Your Self-Doubt Isn’t Yours — It Was Given to You

Have you ever noticed that nagging voice in your head telling you you're not good enough? That critical inner dialogue isn't just causing personal distress – it's actively shaping your relationships in ways you might not realize. This revealing exploration uncovers how our self-doubt becomes the invisible scriptwriter for our love stories.

Drawing from attachment theory, we dive into how childhood experiences form the foundation of our adult relationship patterns. Those conditional love messages from caregivers or early experiences of rejection don't just fade away – they transform into attachment styles that determine how we connect with partners. Whether you're anxiously seeking reassurance or avoidantly maintaining emotional distance, that "not good enough" feeling manifests in predictable relationship behaviors.

What makes this journey so powerful is recognizing the difference between the harsh generalizations of your inner critic and the reality of your relationship. Are you over-functioning as a people-pleaser or under-functioning as a withdrawer? Are you sabotaging connections because rejection feels safer when you control it? Most importantly, are you mistaking patterns of fear for expressions of love?

The pathway to healing isn't about silencing every insecure thought, but rather about stopping them from driving your relationship choices. Through practical strategies like naming your inner critic, creating relationship check-ins, and building rituals of safety, you can begin rewriting your worth narrative. Remember that a healthy partner can hold space for your journey without being responsible for fixing your worth.

Your worth doesn't need proof. You aren't loved because you've earned it through being "enough" – you're loved because you're human. The goal isn't relationship perfection but genuine connection. What patterns are you calling love that are really fear in disguise? Share your experiences in the comments and join us next time as we continue exploring the intersection of self-worth and relationships.

Support the show

🎙️ Episode Footer

💬 Liked this episode?
Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify — it helps more people find Licensed and Unfiltered and keeps the conversations going.

🌐 Explore more:
Head to licensedandunfiltered.com for tools, extras, and all the behind-the-scenes stuff.

📲 follow us @licensnedaunfiltered

🎙️ Want to talk about your therapy questions live on air with Lina?

Submit your question or story here — and you might be featured on an upcoming episode of Licensed and Unfiltered.

📩 Have a question or topic you’d love to hear covered?
Submit it anonymously or send us a DM or submit them here — you just might hear it on a future episode.

—

© 2025 Licensed and Unfiltered. All rights reserved.
This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy or mental health treatment.

Sponsored by Northern Arizona Digital Marketing and Therapedia

...

Episode Transcript

Lina (00:02):
What if the voice in your head saying you're not good
enough isn't telling the truth,but writing your relationship
story anyway?
Your self-doubt isn't justpersonal, it's relational.
It doesn't live in your head,it shows up in your love life.
Where does I'm not good enoughcome from?

(00:22):
Where does I'm not good enoughcome from?
The feeling of I'm not goodenough is a common, universal
and pervasive sentiment thatmany individuals experience at
various points in their lives,such as parental expectations in
comparisons with peers,societal influences such as

(00:45):
media representation andcultural norms, negative
self-talk, such as cognitivedistortions and perfectionism,
past failures or rejections,such as experiencing failure or
traumatic experiences, andmental health issues such as
depression and anxiety.
Children often internalize theexpectations set by parents or

(01:10):
caregivers, leading to feelingsof inadequacy if they perceive
they are not meeting thoseexpectations.
Did your parents ever make youfeel like their love was
conditional that if you didexactly as you were told, only
then were you good enough orworthy of love?
Trauma and perfectionism can beroots of chronic self-doubt.

(01:33):
Trauma or bullying cansignificantly impact self-esteem
and lead to feelings ofworthlessness.
The belief that one must beperfect can lead to chronic
feelings of not being goodenough when perfection is not
achieved.
What is perfectionism?
In this recent training I tookthat covered this very topic.

(01:54):
One of the therapists discussedhow he accomplished showing his
patients how being perfect isunattainable, and that's okay.
He wanted to provide them adifferent perspective on what
perfectionism means to them.
He asked his patients to takethe perfect shower.
Sounds almost too simple, right, but what he found is that his

(02:15):
patients would actually reallystruggle to identify what the
perfect shower looked like andinstead they would focus on how
the shower would feel and notthem being evaluated on how the
shower would feel and not thembeing evaluated on taking the
perfect shower.
Let's talk attachment theoryfor a minute.
Attachment theory hypothesizedthat the bounds formed between a

(02:38):
child and their primarycaregiver significantly
influence emotional andrelational development
throughout life.
Secure attachment ischaracterized by comfort with
intimacy and a healthy balanceof independence and dependence
in relationships.
Individuals with secureattachments typically have a
positive view of themselves andtheir partners, leading to

(03:00):
higher self-worth in romanticrelationships.
Insecure attachment consists ofboth anxious attachment and
avoidant attachment styles.
Anxious attachment individualsoften seek high levels of
intimacy and approval, fearingabandonment.
They may have a negative viewof themselves but a positive
view of others.

(03:20):
This can lead to feelings ofunworthiness when their partner
does not provide constantreassurance or when conflicts
arise.
This attachment style can leadindividuals to develop negative
self-concepts.
For example, someone with ananxious attachment may feel
unworthy of love unless theyconstantly seek validation.

(03:41):
Insecurely attached individualsoften have heightened
sensitivity to perceivedrejection or criticism, which
can reinforce feelings ofinadequacy and unworthiness in
romantic relationships.
They can also becomeover-dependent on their partners
for validation, which cancreate tension and lead to
cycles of reassurance seekingand conflict.

(04:02):
Avoidant attachment consists ofindividuals who tend to
distance themselves emotionallyfrom partners, valuing
independence over intimacy.
They often have a positive viewof themselves but a negative
view of others.
Their sense of self-worth maybe contingent upon maintaining
emotional distance, leading todifficulties in forming deep

(04:24):
connections and feelings ofunworthiness when intimacy is
required.
Someone with an avoidantattachment may struggle to feel
deserving of love due to theirfear of vulnerability.
Avoidantly attached individualsmay unintentionally push
partners away, leading tofeelings of loneliness and
further reinforcing their senseof unworthiness.

(04:44):
Before you blame your partneror yourself, ask where that
voice came from first, how itshows up in relationships.
The feeling of never good enoughcan significantly impact
relationships, particularly whenit manifests as a need for

(05:06):
constant reassurance oremotional dependence.
Seeking constant reassurancefrom your partner can lead to
insecurity in the relationship.
Frequent validation requestsimpact on your partner and a
cycle of insecurity.
Emotional dependence can leadto fear of abandonment,
neglecting personal needs,avoidance of conflict and

(05:26):
diminished sense of self.
Some individuals may rely tooheavily on their partner for
emotional support, happiness anda sense of self-worth.
This creates codependencewithin a relationship.
Long-term consequences of thesecan be strained relationships
and a cycle of anxiety andresentment.
Partners providing reassurancemay feel their own needs are

(05:47):
being neglected, leading toresentment.
Conversely, the individualseeking reassurance may feel
perpetually anxious andunfulfilled.
Anxious and unfulfilled.
Another struggle with the nevergood enough concept is
self-sabotage due to fear ofabandonment or rejection.
I call this the controlmechanism.
I won't allow you to get closeenough to hurt me, and if anyone

(06:10):
is getting hurt, it's you.
This includes withdrawingemotionally, creating conflict,
constantly questioning therelationship, catastrophizing,
avoiding open communication,holding back affection, testing
commitment, playing hot and cold, undermining positive
experiences, rushing intorelationships and creating the

(06:31):
outcomes you may fear.
When it comes to the never goodenough feeling, there are two
categories of people theover-functioning person and the
under-functioning person.
Over-functioning person, akapeople pleaser, could show up in
the following ways Excessivecaretaking, difficulty saying no

(06:51):
, seeking approval, avoidingconflict, neglecting self-care
and, ultimately, feelingresentful.
The under-functioning person,aka the withdrawer, could show
up in the following waysEmotional withdrawal, avoiding
responsibility, fear of intimacy, low self-esteem, rationalizing

(07:14):
distance and increased anxiety.
Distance and increased anxiety.
Pro tip ask yourself do I wantconnection or confirmation of my
worst belief?
Here's a fun segment for youReddit or forget it.
The Reddit post isrelationships.

(07:36):
The question I never feel goodenough for my partner and I
think I'm pushing them away.
What do I do?
The top comment is maybe you'rejust with the wrong person.
My take forget it.
You can't outsource self-worthto someone else's opinion or

(07:58):
comment section.
Rewriting the narrative,identifying when the inner
critic is speaking versus whenyour partner is communicating,
can be challenging, especiallyfor individuals who struggle
with insecurity or self-doubt.
Here are several strategies andsigns that can help distinguish

(08:18):
between the two.
Recognize the voice of yourinner critic.
Your inner critic often usesharsh, judgmental language that
diminishes self-worth.
Phrases like you're not goodenough, you'll never succeed or
you always mess things up arecommon indicators.
Your inner critic may makesweeping generalizations about

(08:39):
yourself, such as I am a failureor I am unlovable, rather than
addressing specific behaviors orsituations.
Your inner critic often stemsfrom fear of rejection or
inadequacy, leading to anxiousthoughts that may not reflect
reality.
Evaluate the context of thecommunication.

(09:00):
Consider whether the feedbackis coming from your partner's
perspective or if it's areaction to your own
insecurities.
If you're feeling defensive oroverly sensitive, it may be your
inner critic reacting thanresponding to your partner's
words.
Your partner's comments areoften more specific and
constructive, let's hope,focusing on particular behaviors

(09:22):
or situations rather thangeneralizations about your
character.
Assess your emotional responses, such as feelings of shame or
guilt, or feelings of support orunderstanding.
Seek clarification from yourpartner as well.
What's wrong with that?
Seek clarification from yourpartner as well.
What's wrong with that?
This fosters open communicationand the ability to express your

(09:48):
feelings, in turn buildingemotional safety and trust.
What about reframing the thoughtof I'm not good enough into I'm
afraid of not being loved?
Practice self-compassion.
Speak to yourself like youwould a best friend.
Sometimes, dishing outcompliments and compassion to
others is so much easier thandoing it for ourselves.
Why is this?
I think sometimes it simplyboils down to us feeling

(10:12):
undeserving of kindness, so, inturn, we forget to extend that
little bit of kindness we havereserved for other people to
ourselves.
Journaling prompt.
What evidence do I have thatI'm not enough and what

(10:32):
contradicts it?
Try writing about that.
Here are some examples A clientwho always panicked after
arguments, assuming theirpartner would leave Insight.
Their fear wasn't about thepartner, it was about
abandonment from childhood.

(10:53):
Pro tip Before reacting, pauseand ask is this a now fear or an
old fear?
Mini reflection moment whatpatterns am I calling love that
are really fear in disguise?
Takeaway Healing begins whenyou stop arguing with your worth

(11:19):
and start protecting it.
Practical tips for everydayawareness Name your inner critic
and externalize it.
Oh, that's just sabotage.
Sally talking again, ordoubtful Debbie or worried Wanda
Might as well make it fun.
Use relationship check-insweekly to reduce fear-based

(11:43):
assumptions.
We often forget to ask ourpartners and just assume we know
what they're thinking.
Something to rememberAssumptions are not based in
fact.
Assuming is our insecuritytalking.
Build rituals of safety.
Scheduled affirmations,post-conflict rituals, grounding

(12:03):
exercises these are all reallygood ways to create a safety net
for yourself in yourrelationship.
Takeaway you can't silenceevery insecure thought, but you
can stop letting them drive thecar.

(12:24):
Invite your partner into yourhealing journey without making
them responsible for fixing it.
Celebrate small wins andmoments of courage.
Normalize therapy and supportas tools, not last resorts.
Pro tip A healthy partner willhold space, but they can't hold

(12:47):
your worth.
Takeaway Healing inrelationships happens when
self-worth is a two-way streetSeen affirmed and protected.
Here's a fun segment, this orthat.
This Telling your partner everysingle doubt that, keeping all

(13:10):
your insecurities hidden.
My take Neither Share yourtruth, but take ownership of it
first.
Ownership of it first.
Boundaries with your innercritic.
Set limits, no shame spiralsbefore bed, after arguments or

(13:36):
in moments of celebration.
Create a no-fly zone list forrecurring negative self-talk
moments.
Takeaway you get to choose whosevoice has the final say your
past or your present?
Your worth doesn't need proof.
You don't earn love by beingenough.

(13:56):
You are loved because you arehuman.
The goal isn't perfection, it'sconnection.
Before you say I'm not enough,ask yourself would I ever say
this to someone I love?
Where does your not enoughvoice come from and what does it

(14:23):
need to hear?
Instead, as we wrap up today'sepisode, remember that the
feeling of never good enough issomething we all experience at
some point in our lives.
It's a universal struggle thatcan affect anyone, regardless of
their background orachievements.
It's important to acknowledgethese emotions and understand

(14:44):
that they do not define yourworth.
By recognizing the voice ofyour inner critic, you can learn
to quiet those harsh judgmentsand replace them with compassion
and understanding.
Remember, it's okay to seeksupport and to give yourself
grace.
Together, we can navigate thesefeelings and empower ourselves

(15:04):
to embrace our true value.
Thank you for joining me todayand I look forward to connecting
with you in our next episode.
If there's anything you'd likeme to expand upon, please leave
those thoughts in the commentsand I'd be happy to do that.