Are You Toxic or Flawed?

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Not every relationship issue is toxic—but not everything is just a “rough patch,” either. In this episode, we talk about the line between flaws and real harm, and how to tell the difference.

We share moments from our own relationship where we had to confront things that weren’t working—from communication breakdowns to the postpartum season when we honestly didn’t like each other much. The difference is, we chose growth instead of blame.

We also answer questions from our listeners about blended families and how to handle in-laws who test your patience without wrecking your peace.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Is this normal, or is this toxic?”—this one’s for you.

Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
When you constantly tell me that I'm overreacting,

(00:02):
or when you try to convince mesomething that never happened,
but I know it did.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
OK.

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Or when you are engaging with me in a in a way
that gets me riled up.
And then, once I get riled up,now you're trying to calm down,
because now that you've seen meget riled up and now you're
trying to calm down and try tomake it seem like it's not.
It's not that big of a dealbecause you're overreacting, but
I say you literally just gaslitme.
Hey, everybody, welcome back toanother week, another episode

(00:48):
of the Life After I Do podcast.
Did you guys miss us?
Because we missed you Last weekwas a holiday they missed the
do-do-do-do-do.
Last week was a holiday, eventhough the episodes drop on
Wednesday, we said I still wantmy holiday off which is funny.

Speaker 2 (01:09):
Because this is funny because this year actually
marked two years that we havebeen doing the podcast I can't
believe this was the first timein two years that we actually
took a break yeah, where wedidn't upload an episode and I
was really proud, like when Irealized that I was like we've
been recording consistently fortwo years and we have not missed
an episode.
So I was like I think, I think,I think we, we could we could

(01:36):
take a day we could take a day,and on top of that I would just
yeah, I'm moving time but butbut, I,

Speaker 1 (01:44):
guess that's also the perks of like moving time like
batch doing some things like andnot recording, not uploading
everything.
Cause you know like we stillkept you guys like engaged and
stuff on social media.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
You just didn't get a full episode.
Yeah, the clips and stuff butpeople, we do record these
episodes once a week, yeah, oncea week, yeah, once a week.
These are not batched, yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:05):
I was going to say like the clips and stuff.
We have loads of those.
But as far as like the episodesand stuff, yeah, Once a week.
You guys get them as close toreal time as possible.

Speaker 2 (02:14):
And the thing about the clips is, if you only watch
the clips, you know you ain'tseen the episodes.

Speaker 1 (02:22):
Clearly, DeMille, that you know you ain't seen the
episode.
So Clearly, Demel.
That's why it's called a clip.
Who's going to teach thechildren?

Speaker 3 (02:29):
Not you, that's all you, who's going to teach the
children?

Speaker 2 (02:31):
Don't come for me, look here, look here.

Speaker 3 (02:33):
Who's going to teach the children?
Your husband?

Speaker 2 (02:35):
How was your week, Wilson?

Speaker 1 (02:38):
My week was good.

Speaker 2 (02:40):
Too good, okay, tell him about it.

Speaker 3 (02:43):
Tell him how good it was.
I wouldn't say it was too good,but Go ahead.

Speaker 1 (02:46):
Yeah, I had a good week.
Can you stop throwing me my leg?
You look good.

Speaker 3 (02:49):
Thank you, sorry, thank you.
Keep your hands to yourself.

Speaker 1 (02:53):
It's the first rule we learned in kindergarten.

Speaker 2 (02:54):
Okay, keep the energy tonight.

Speaker 1 (02:56):
No.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (03:05):
Just right now, this is a professional setting.
Okay, we can stop this cameraand get it in.
No, I had a good week.
Yeah, not much to report, Imean.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
Wow, this is the first people.
It's literally been two weeks.
I thought for sure she'd have a40-minute monologue recapping
the last 13 days.

Speaker 1 (03:21):
I mean I spent time with friends.
I spent time with family.
Got to see my mom.
Got to see my mom, got to seemy great niece Spoke to my
sister, went to the gym, feltgreat on some days, felt like
shit on others other days.

Speaker 2 (03:36):
But no matter the day , the ass was fat.

Speaker 1 (03:38):
But I still showed up .
So let's talk about that.
And the ass was fat, I stillshowed up.
And then, due to the holiday,because you know the kid had a
three day weekend and thisfellow had to go to work I will
say that was that was.
That was a win for me and I hadposted about it on Instagram
because, because you had to goto work and she was home and she

(03:58):
also didn't have practice, Icouldn't go to the gym at my
regularly scheduled programming.
And I didn't get to the gym tolike damn near a quarter to
eight o'clock, but, or no, I gotthere like six because I left
like a quarter to nine, yeah.
So I got there like maybe sixo'clock, 615, and did a really
late workout, but I was proud ofmyself.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
I turned around and did another workout less than 10
hours later Turned around anddid another one.

Speaker 1 (04:23):
Look at the dedication lesson yes, turn
around and did another one, butI had I had said all that to say
, because that's the part of thejourney that I like, that I'm
really trying to work on,because I know previous me I'm
not gonna say old me, I'm gonnasay previous me would have been
like well, I guess today is agreat day to take off, because
I'm not gonna go to the gym andknow six, seven, eight o'clock
at night and you know I'm just'mgoing to just chuck today up to

(04:47):
a loss.
But whether I wanted to go ornot, I was like I'm just going
to do it just so that I can stayon track for the week and
create like the consistency youknow what I mean.
I might skip work.

Speaker 2 (04:58):
I might skip a therapy session.
Bye, maurice, stop it.
I might skip one of my kids'events.

Speaker 3 (05:04):
Okay, but I'm not skipping the gym, okay.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
I'm going to be in there, stop it.

Speaker 1 (05:08):
Stop it, I'm going to be in it, no, but so that was
like that was a really big win.

Speaker 3 (05:14):
for me personally, that's good.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
That was a big win for me personally and I was
really proud of myself forgetting that done.
And also I was proud of myselffor getting it done and I was
also really proud of myself fornot stopping by my favorite
restaurant and picking up eightpieces of egg rolls Because I
didn't go to my regular gym.
Like my regular location gym, Iwent to a different one which

(05:36):
is literally next door to one ofmy favorite restaurants that
have the best egg rolls, and itwas like nine something at night
and I was like I really couldjust go in there and just get
eight egg rolls.
But I was like I'm not going todo it because I really want to
do it.
But I also don't want to go tosleep with that much grease on
my stomach.
So was it discipline?
Or was it just me not wantingto feel like crap?

Speaker 3 (05:58):
while I was asleep with all that grease on my
stomach, I'm giving you the win.

Speaker 1 (06:01):
it anyway, yeah, I, I think it was a win because I,
when I tell you, the fight thatensued within my spurt and your
what my spurt?
Okay, because I saw it and Isaid oh, grandpa.
And then I saw everybody likewalking in and out and they all
look so happy because, and I waslike, they're happy because
they're eating, they're happybecause they're they're.
They're satiated with good food,and I could be happy and

(06:25):
satiated because my runner'shigh was coming down.
And when my runner's high comesdown, that's when the hunger
sets in.

Speaker 2 (06:32):
You know what you just triggered me?

Speaker 1 (06:38):
So I was like, oh, I could, but I didn't.
Instead I stopped by Food forLess, which?

Speaker 3 (06:45):
is wild.
I stopped by.

Speaker 1 (06:45):
Food for Less, which is wild.
I stopped by Food for Less andpicked up a whole rotisserie
chicken.
I picked up a whole rotisseriechicken.

Speaker 2 (06:52):
And then, what did I?

Speaker 3 (06:53):
do.
What did I?

Speaker 1 (06:53):
do with the rotisserie chicken.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
I said what are you doing?
I said what are you eating?
I said the way she was eatingit.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
I said have you been starving?
I bought that rotisseriechicken here in this house.
I got some of my jasmine riceand I keep cilantro and onion
cut up and I started taking thatchicken apart and putting it in
a bowl.

Speaker 3 (07:14):
And.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
I dumped some of that rice on there and I dumped some
onion and cilantro and just puta little bit of sauce on top
and I was like this is going tobe the best egg rolls ever.

Speaker 2 (07:25):
For the games.

Speaker 3 (07:27):
For the games.

Speaker 1 (07:29):
And it didn't feel as bad, okay, but yeah, so that
was pretty good.

Speaker 2 (07:32):
I mean likely.
I have nothing to report.

Speaker 1 (07:35):
Oh, two weeks off and you have nothing to say.

Speaker 2 (07:37):
My weeks are the same .
I work, I father I husband.
Okay, that's it.
I father, I husband.
Okay, that's it.
I work, I father, I husband.
That's it.

Speaker 1 (07:48):
That's that's my I play, I play my position okay,
that's what I do oh I did, I didwant to mention yep, you said
you had.
I did want to mention becauseyou know I've been talking about
this for like the past few days.
Okay, listen you know I am, youknow, I am because everyone is
talking about it, becauseeveryone is just in disbelief.
And I'm honestly thinking aboutjust going live and just having

(08:08):
a conversation with, like, allmy friends and everything, and
we can just all discuss it.
It's the unknown number, thehigh school catfish.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
This has nothing to do with the episode.

Speaker 1 (08:18):
It doesn't have anything to do with the episode,
but it has everything to dowith my week, because I watched
it during my week.
So we're discussing my week,since he had nothing to report
on this week.
Bye, I'm gonna go to thebathroom.
Listen, okay, you really needto watch.

Speaker 3 (08:35):
It was anybody.
I mean, I don't even have toask the question.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
I don't have to even ask the question.
Was anybody else just as, likeupset surprised, angry, because
I posted about it on my storieson Instagram and the immediate
messages that came backeverybody, we're all feeling
like the same level of anger, Imean.

Speaker 2 (08:53):
I didn't even watch it.
Just from what you told me, Iwas like that's the fuck I, I, I
probably would have didsomething, either constantly or
not, as a husband.

Speaker 1 (09:01):
Like the husband.
He was furious, and rightfullyso.
But but now everyone's thinkingum that the daughter might have
been in on it, becauseeveryone's now talking about her
reaction and they were like shedidn't seem like she had a lot
of reaction when the policeofficer was telling her that it
was her mom and she was stillallowing her mom to like coddle
her and hug her and stuff likethat.
And I was like the poor childwas probably in shock.

(09:22):
That's still her mom, that'slike her go-to person.
You know what I mean.
So I still don't think she knew, but that's either here or
there.
But yes, I just want to hearwhat everybody else has to say,
even though I know whateverybody else has to say, I
just want to hear what everybodyelse has to say, but I'll let
you know and I'll post it onInstagram if I plan on like
going live or like.

(09:42):
By the time you hear this, itmight have happened.
That's why you should follow meon social media.
But yeah, so nothing to reportin your week.

Speaker 2 (09:51):
Nothing to report.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
OK well, along, you know, similar to along the lines
of the documentary UnknownNumber.
You know, a lot of people liketo say that she is.
What she did was very toxicbehavior, which kind of takes me
into today's topic.
Are we talking about toxicpeople today?
Listen.
I feel, like Hold on, hold on,hold on hold on.

Speaker 2 (10:14):
Let me get this out of the way now.
Is this one of those episodeswhere you finna tell me about
myself for 45 minutes?

Speaker 1 (10:20):
No, I've never had an episode like that.

Speaker 2 (10:22):
We've had multiple.

Speaker 1 (10:23):
No, we haven't.

Speaker 2 (10:24):
I feel like if you ever.

Speaker 1 (10:25):
I feel like if you feel attacked, that's a you
thing, not a me thing.

Speaker 2 (10:28):
Whatever, I don't feel attacked, I know you just
said you.
I don't have to feel it.
I know what my wife Listen.
I know what my wife is comingfor me.

Speaker 1 (10:35):
And I feel like that has more to do with you and how.

Speaker 2 (10:40):
All right.

Speaker 1 (10:40):
So if you want to say that's toxic, then so we're
talking about toxic People ortoxic relationships.
It's you know.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
here's the thing I just feel like as a survivor of
a toxic relationship.
Please don't.

Speaker 1 (10:55):
I don't want to be violent today.

Speaker 2 (10:57):
See See as a survivor .
I think I have some uniquepoints of view, because dealing
with a toxic person who is inrehab, who's in rehab.
Partial recovery.

Speaker 1 (11:10):
Oh my gosh, you know?
No, I don't know, but pleaseelaborate.
You see, these people don'tknow, they don't know.
They don't know the real me,they don't know the real you,
they don't know.

Speaker 2 (11:19):
Pre-covid Nisha G.
Pre-covid.
Please do tell they don't knowwhat we're doing.
When nisha g was out there inthem streets and she was a
manager there's a wholedifferent nisha g shut up.
She thought she was managingeverybody I I still do no you
don't yes, I do, yes, I do so.

(11:40):
I have some experience withsome toxic people really okay.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
I mean, you know, if that's how you feel, your
feelings are valid, I can'targue with.
So I have some experience withsome toxic people.

Speaker 3 (11:51):
Really Okay.

Speaker 1 (11:52):
I mean, you know, if that's how you feel, your
feelings are valid.
I can't argue with that.
So, sir, that's your experience.

Speaker 2 (11:54):
Sir, I did have something to say, I just
remembered this.
Okay, football is back and myEagles are off to a 1-0 start.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
A winning 0 start.

Speaker 2 (12:03):
A 1-0 start.
Oh, it was ugly, but we won.
You pulled through.

Speaker 1 (12:07):
You were so terrified of losing to the Cowboys.

Speaker 2 (12:11):
The Cowgirls.
You said it right, the Cowgirls.
And like I say every year,every year, I will support my
team, no matter what.
If we go 2-16 or 2 and 14, I'mstill happy as long as we beat
them, damn Cowboys.

Speaker 3 (12:28):
As long as you don't lose to the Cowboys.

Speaker 2 (12:29):
We can lose to everybody else, just not the
Cowboys.
Just not them damn Cowboys.

Speaker 1 (12:34):
Okay, so how many times are they going to play the
Cowboys?
Twice a year.
Okay, so we've already playedthem once.

Speaker 2 (12:39):
Beat them.

Speaker 1 (12:40):
And so when do we play them again?

Speaker 2 (12:45):
In week 12 in Arlington.
Okay In the house that.

Speaker 1 (12:46):
Jerry built.
Okay, so as long as we beatthem then that's a successful
season for you.

Speaker 2 (12:50):
We can lose every game between now and week 12.
We can lose week 2 through 11.
We can take a L.
That's terrible.

Speaker 3 (12:57):
As long as we get a W in week 12.
That's terrible.
That's how.

Speaker 2 (13:01):
I feel Granted.
I want the W every week, Right.

Speaker 1 (13:05):
However, however.
As long as the L doesn't comefrom the Cowboys, that's it.

Speaker 2 (13:11):
That's it.
That's it, that's it.
We can lose to the JacksonvilleJaguars.
I don't care oh, I don't evenknow who that is, as long as
they're the Dallas CowgirlsCowboys.

Speaker 3 (13:21):
Cow sluts so disrespectful anywho yes yeah so
that's my way.

Speaker 1 (13:26):
It's all great okay, so back to what we were
discussing.

Speaker 2 (13:30):
My bad y'all she do be all attractive, she looking
good, and y'all, y'all can'tthis.
Her leg is out and it'sdistracting me.
Oh my gosh, I just want to grabit.

Speaker 1 (13:40):
I feel like I hear toxic a lot a lot.
A lot.
It's used so much Like any typeof discomfort, unhappiness,
disagreement, misunderstanding.
It's like he's toxic, she'stoxic.
Like what is it?
Are we talking about people whoare legitimately like,

(14:02):
manipulative or something likethat, are legitimately like
manipulative or something likethat?
Or we're talking about peoplewho you just don't necessarily
vibe with or whose personalitiesyou don't get along with, or
who's not like supporting you inthe way, in the capacity that
you need to be supported in?

Speaker 2 (14:17):
We can't just call them toxic.
The modern definition of atoxic person is a toxic person
is someone who consists whoseconsistent patterns of behaviors
are emotionally, mentally orsomewhat physically damaging to
their partner.
Okay, this includesmanipulation, control,
dishonesty, belittling, lack ofaccountability that's a big one
and emotional unavailabilityokay, so I can, I can hear that

(14:42):
and I can receive that.

Speaker 1 (14:43):
Receive it.
Don't hear it.

Speaker 3 (14:44):
Receive it, don't hear it, receive it, because we
need to talk about the boys inhere that you do DeMille.

Speaker 2 (14:49):
We need to talk about the stuff in here that you do,
demille, how you belittle me allthe time.
Demille, let's talk about it,let's get into it.

Speaker 3 (14:56):
DeMille.

Speaker 2 (14:59):
Talk about your woman , my woman, red Max.
I won't rep max, let's talkabout it.
What?
How you belittled me.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
I don't know, Because you came for me.
We've had the discussionmultiple times.
When you, this happens all thetime.
My husband and I rag on eachother Like it's a love language
at this point.

Speaker 3 (15:16):
But when?

Speaker 1 (15:16):
he tries to rag on me , or when he tries to come for
me, and then I have a comebackHis skin is not as thick as mine
is and she's sitting here rightnow.

Speaker 2 (15:25):
people taking a lack of accountability.

Speaker 1 (15:28):
Because you sat there and you tried to make fun of me
.
And then when I said oh yeah,that's funny coming from
somebody who's one rep maxes mywarm-up.
You got all buggered.

Speaker 2 (15:43):
Take accountability Okay.

Speaker 1 (15:44):
I take accountability .

Speaker 2 (15:45):
See accountability.

Speaker 1 (15:45):
This is why I tell you I have experience dealing
with these oh my goodness okay,so anyway you made me lose my
train of thought, but um you'rewelcome, but what I was gonna
say was for that what I wasgonna say was the things that
you mentioned about, like umcontrol.

Speaker 2 (16:03):
Dishonesty, belittling, accountability Okay,
All of that.

Speaker 1 (16:06):
So when it comes, to like emotional availability, um,
accountability, things likethat.
Would you really classify thatas like being toxic or is that
something that could havepotentially just been learned
behavior that has not been madeaware to the person that you
could work on?
It could be learned toxicbehavior.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
Okay, listen it could be learned.

Speaker 1 (16:29):
Okay, I get that, but what I'm saying is it's like in
a relationship, right, everysingle person is not going to be
perfect at takingaccountability, no, at being
emotionally available andemotionally supportive.
All right, um, some peoplecould potentially be.
Now, when it comes tomanipulation, I do believe that
there are some people who may beaware that they're being
manipulative and some people whomay not be aware that the way

(16:51):
that they go about things orsolving problems or interacting
with their partner ismanipulative, right, but when
brought to their attention, andif you're like, hey, I'm letting
you know when you behave thisway, when you speak this way, it
makes me feel this way.
I do feel like this is an areaof our relationship we can work
on, and then they're willing towork on it.
Is that just just them notknowing?

(17:13):
And then we work on it becausein a relationship we're supposed
to be working on those things.

Speaker 2 (17:17):
In that instance, that's them not knowing, because
they're taking accountabilityand making adjustments to their
behavior.
Ok, so are they stillconsidered a toxic person, or
just the they were doing.
The characteristic was toxic,but they corrected it Okay.
Because I think but some peopleare just toxic people Like you
think that they know that theyconsciously know that what
they're doing is toxic.

Speaker 1 (17:37):
Yes, excuse me, is toxic.

Speaker 2 (17:38):
Yes, okay, and I think that's where like when we
have the discussion, I want todifferentiate.
That's what that's where,that's how you said it, what you
said that's where, bye.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
That's where I want to see.
That's where I want to see,like, the distinction, because I
feel I I hear toxic so much andwhen I hear someone talk about
another person being toxic, or,uh, their partner being toxic,
I'm just like, first of all,this isn't the first time
they've behaved this way.
Usually, when you hear it, itsounds like these are traits

(18:12):
that they have had for a while,for a very long time but now,
yeah, but now that social mediahas, like, put a word to what
you've probably been feeling.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
Now that's what you want to attach it to with
everything.
That's the effect of socialmedia, right?
So every once in a while, aword comes across social media
and people just start using itlike it's going out of style.
You know, toxic, narcissist.

Speaker 1 (18:37):
Oh yes, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (18:40):
There's just certain words that people don't know the
meaning of these words.
They just say them because theywant to assume that it just
fits what's going on in theirlife.
So I do think that a lot of itis a lot of these words get
hyped up, but a lot of thisstuff is is true, a lot, a lot
of people out here.
Just I do think that a lot ofpeople have certain behaviors
that are learned and and andhave been repeated so often that

(19:01):
it's just part of who they areand they don't really, they
don't necessarily realize thatthat behavior is toxic or no
one's have brought.

Speaker 1 (19:09):
No one has brought it to their attention in the
capacity of a.
You may not be aware, but whatyou're doing is like low-key,
abusive.
You know what I mean.
So that's what I mean.
So it's funny how you could saythat so how do we separate
normal human flaws from actualtoxic traits?
Is what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (19:31):
I think you have to take it on a case-by-case basis
of what's happening and thenkind of dissect what's happening
and then address what'shappening Right happening, and
then address what's happeningright, and then I honestly I
feel like it's only toxic oncethe behavior has been brought up
and then that person refuses tochange?

Speaker 3 (19:51):
yes, or change the way they either talk or
communicate, or what they doyeah, to bring the toxicity tour
into the relationship okay, I'mhappy that you said that,
because I think that's where wecan properly, probably properly,
use the term toxic.

Speaker 1 (20:05):
If I came to you and said like hey, um, the way you
like gaslight me and you're likeI don't gaslight you, well, I'm
letting you, yeah, I'm lettingyou.
If I give you an example of howI feel like you were
gaslighting me, okay, right, andyou are trying to make a valid

(20:26):
effort into trying not to nottrying not to like going forward
, then I think that wassomething that you just weren't
aware of, like it was a toxictrait that you had when you made
those statements.
Like when I say, for example,like gaslighting.
If I say, um, when you, whenyou constantly tell me that I'm
overreacting, or when you, um,try to convince me something

(20:47):
that never happened, but I knowit did.

Speaker 3 (20:49):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (20:50):
Or when you are engaging with me in a way that
gets me riled up and then, onceI get riled up, now you're
trying to calm down, because nowthat you've seen me get riled
up and now you're trying to calmdown and try to make it seem
like it's not that big of a dealbecause you're overreacting.
But I say you literally justgaslit me what?

Speaker 2 (21:10):
what I have learned is that your memory is a1 most
of the time, but what I havelearned is that we can perceive
an event two different ways atthe same time, all the time.
So in my mind.
I'm telling you what I sawhappening.
But you like it.
It happened that way, but to meit did.

Speaker 1 (21:31):
Okay, but in any case , when I bring it, to your
attention.

Speaker 3 (21:35):
So you be gaslighting me, boy, don't nobody gaslight.
You Stop it, see, see.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
Because you like how I just I just literally said the
same exact thing back to me.
Anyway, if you, if I, bringsomething like that to your
attention and you make a valideffort in being more conscious
or being more um, uh, what's theword I'm looking for
intentional?

(22:00):
okay about not trying to make mefeel that way.
I think that's different.
Have I been intentional if insome things, some things, but in
a lot of things, you stillforget your, your, your, your
trainings, that you've learnedin therapy and you're still a
work in progress.
We all are and that's why I saywe need to we need to separate
the toxicness from the flawsbecause, we are all flawed, and

(22:25):
that's what that's where thiswhole thing came from.
How do we separate people whoare flawed because we are all
flawed, and that's what that'swhere this whole thing came from
?
How do we separate people whoare flawed because we are all
flawed from toxic exactly fromactual?
Toxic behavior what?
Look at me?
Oh my gosh, I didn't look atyou.
I'm well.
I'm looking at you because I'mhaving a conversation with you.

Speaker 3 (22:42):
Look good too.
Thank you um this is.

Speaker 1 (22:45):
This is why you can't take anything serious because
you're like you're over herehaving a man moment.

Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yeah, because I'm looking at my wife like, look at
this snack I'm trying to eatanyway.

Speaker 1 (22:57):
so, like I said, if you, if you're conscious and
intentional intentional abouttrying to correct how, like, a
behavior that I'm telling youcould potentially be detrimental
to, like, our communication orour interaction or our
relationship, that's I feel likethat's different, like that's a

(23:17):
character flaw that youpotentially had, that you may
not have been aware of, butbecause you are trying to become
the better version of yourselfand I'm the person who has to
interact with you, you aretaking the accountability of
saying like, even if I didn'tagree with how she is saying the
whole situation happened, itwould still help me to help her,

(23:38):
to help our relationship, totake a look at it, you know,
even if it's from herperspective.

Speaker 2 (23:43):
And honestly, in my opinion, I've just learned I
just take accountability foreverything.
Ok, I've learned that itjust've just taken
accountability for everything.
Okay, I've learned that it justit's better for us.
I'm just going to, I'm going toacknowledge what you say, I'm
going to acknowledge yourfeelings, I'm going to hear you
out, right, and I'm going to saysometimes I'll say my two cents
, sometimes I won't, but I'll belike, okay, and I just try to.

(24:05):
I try to, in my mind, replaythe event and figure out where I
went wrong and what can I do tocommunicate better so that you
don't feel that way.
That's what I try to do, sothat it's not a big argument,
because you know I'm damn near40.
I don't like to argue, no more.

Speaker 1 (24:19):
But that's what I'm saying, the fact that you take
the moment, or anybody, not justyou.
I think that's where, when Isay what is the difference
between a person who is flawed,like we all are, and a person
who is toxic, a person who isflawed who also wants to be a
better version of themselves andto be the best version for
themselves and for their partner, would take that pause.

(24:40):
They would take that pause and,even if they don't necessarily
agree with it, it would still bebeneficial for them to like,
look inward and be like okay.
Well, I don't want, just likehow.
You wouldn't want to beperceived at work as like.
If you say, for instance, you'regoing up for a promotion, you
want to be, want to be perceivedat work as somebody who
couldn't perform the duties ofthe job that you're trying to go

(25:01):
for, right.
So in your relationship, youwouldn't want to be perceived or
viewed as the person who wascausing harm, discomfort,
unhappiness or whatever in theirpartner, right?
So I think that's where we canstart differentiating, if I said
it right, um, the thedifference between a flawed
person and someone who'sgenuinely toxic, because I think

(25:21):
a person who's genuinely toxic,they just be like.
It is what it is, my boy.
You can either live with it orlive.
It is what it is.
It is what it is my boy, youcan either live with it or live
without it.

Speaker 3 (25:31):
But the decision is yours.

Speaker 1 (25:33):
Live, laugh, love, or they'll double down and just be
like no, I didn't, I didn't, Ididn't, I didn't do that.
I didn't say that.
You know what I mean.
But on the flip side of that.

Speaker 2 (25:43):
It's like from the male's point of view.
It's like if you're withsomeone and she's constantly
critiquing everything you do,Uh-huh Like you can do nothing,
right, Right.

Speaker 3 (25:52):
Right.

Speaker 2 (25:52):
Mm-hmm, no matter how hard you try, no matter how you
try to set it up in a way whereit's easy for her or it's done
in the way she wants.
Because I know women, you guyshave this thing Like.
I know I not gonna speak forwomen because I don't want y'all
to come for me they're gonnacome for you anyway, it doesn't
matter.
My, I know my wife has there's.
There's a way I do things andthen there's a way my wife I

(26:12):
would prefer them to be done andshe just assumes that her way
is the right way, where that'snot always the case.
Sometimes there's more than oneside to the pickle, what, what
do you like what I?

Speaker 1 (26:28):
there's more than one side to the pickle yeah, oh,
you know what I mean sure I alsoknow that, that my version of
clean is not the same.

Speaker 2 (26:39):
That's not always matched up to her.

Speaker 3 (26:41):
No, it's not that it doesn't always right.

Speaker 2 (26:44):
It never so matches up to my level of clean for me
personally when I'm doingsomething, let's say when I'm
cleaning the kitchen, right,Straightening up the kitchen.
Okay, see, here we go, here wego In your mind when I'm
straightening up the kitchen andit's not living up to your.

Speaker 1 (26:59):
So that constant criticism makes me not want to
do it, not want right, and I getthat.
So I'm like I get that well,but that's why?

Speaker 3 (27:06):
but hold on since I'm not doing it how you want it to
be done, then you can do ityourself there, there we have it
but okay, but because we alsoknow that have we not set up
systems?

Speaker 1 (27:17):
in the house that we that's that, since we know that
to be true.
Yeah, we have set up systemswhere we know you just.
You're just not cut out forthat.

Speaker 3 (27:26):
That's not your testimony and that's okay, and I
said the same thing and there'sversions of me that I'm just
not like.

Speaker 2 (27:32):
It's not my testimony and I'm not gonna do it and I
refuse to do it, and he's betterat it, so he's gonna do it and
I tell people all the time Isaid I can't speak for your
relationship or your marriage,but my marriage we have.
We have certain.
Well, because when I tellpeople, no, I don't do this,
this or this, why my wife doesthat, yeah, and my wife doesn't
do this, this, this, why?

Speaker 1 (27:49):
because I do that like when my mom comes and she
sees the trash, like she's likejust walk it to the trash.
I'm not going to do that.
That is not in my testimony todo.
Look here, I will let thattrash pile to the ceiling before
I take that trash outside.

Speaker 2 (28:04):
We have a system that is working and we will not let
anybody influence our system,our ecosystem?
Yeah, it works.
We are riding the homeostasis.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
Well, I got a text message today from one of my
mom's friends because she hadmailed Phoenix.
I guess she mailed her like abirthday card or something and
she's been texting me for liketwo days.
She was like have you got ityet?
And I was like I don't know, Idon have you got it yet.
And I was like I don't know, Idon't check the mail.
And she's like my mom will belike just go, I'm not gonna do

(28:33):
that, and I go to the mailboxonce every 14 days.
I don't.
I think I don't, I'm not goingto the mail, I'm not taking out,
I just that's how we workaround here, okay, so like and
it my mom, she's the one she'llbe.
Like that just makes no sense.
It doesn't make sense for you,it makes perfect sense for us.
He don't clean toilets, I don'ttake out the trash or check
mail or anything else like that.
So I don't, it works for us.

(28:53):
She don't.
She don't cook my steak.
I'm not gonna cook his steak.
I mean I will cook the steak,but he don't want.
He don't want me to, because Idon't cook the steak.
You know, I'm saying I cook thechicken, but we say all that to
say it's like yes, from themale perspective, like an aspect
of like a toxic person or atoxic female could be someone
who's always belittling orsomeone who's always criticizing

(29:16):
.
But I think, when you had cameto me with that type of notion,
that type of feeling, like youalways talk about how I'm not
doing it right or I'm not doingit to your standards, so it just
just it doesn't motivate me towant to do it.
So it's like okay, I can getthat and I received that, so
let's do this, cause it couldhave just been.
It could have just been or youcould just do it the way that.

Speaker 2 (29:39):
I just this is a side note I just find it funny that
someone who was not allowed touse a dishwasher growing up
telling me how to properly loada dishwasher Because I used a
dishwasher.

Speaker 1 (29:49):
And it's, oh my gosh, which was wild.
Listen, he put those dishes inthe side note, side story.
No, he cleaned the kitchen oneday and I was like, okay, like
where is it?
He was like I put the dishes, Iloaded the dishes in the
dishwasher, I opened thatdishwasher and I was like like
none of these dishes will getwashed.
You literally just threw shitin the dishwasher.

(30:11):
No, I don't understand I waslike I said, babe, you have to
put the plastics on the top rack.
The the, the glass and stuffcan go on the bottom rack,
because otherwise the lids andthe plastic bowls will melt.
Because he's like well then youcan just do it yourself.
I was like, but there's a waythese are supposed to be done.
But yes, I couldn't use adishwasher when I was younger,

(30:31):
but as an adult it's like I'musing dishwasher, vacuum
cleaners, all of the things, allof the things.

Speaker 2 (30:38):
So yeah, but I can.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
I can totally, I can totally understand that.
But that goes back to like whatI said.
It could have been a situationwhere I was, I could have just
been like but if it doesn't makesense, makes sense.
But that's my common sense, youknow what I mean.
And I could have just been likewhy don't you just do it this
way, exactly?
So instead, we just said toourselves like, okay, you don't

(31:01):
like the way I do this and Idon't like the way you do this,
so how about, in this instance,you be responsible for this and
I can be responsible for that?
Are you happy with that?
Yes, are you happy with that?

Speaker 2 (31:12):
sure, it's just this and we just moved on it just
reminded me of this was maybelike 15 years ago, where I I
literally said you.

Speaker 1 (31:18):
Now I said like we cannot use the same computer oh
yeah because he doesn't like myorganization because the way you
say stuff will drive me crazy.

Speaker 2 (31:26):
I don't understand everything.
It all makes sense.
It's not file it.

Speaker 1 (31:29):
No, you don't yes, I do, and sometimes I just do sub
files, like I do little files,little files inside of, like
okay anyway, continue it on Imean another, you know talking
part or a sign.

Speaker 2 (31:43):
You know it is when you know people try to weaponize
affection.
Yes, you know, um, yeah, so youwithhold intimacy or affection
as punishment so you're mad atme.
So you think, because you'remad at me, you ain't gonna give
up.

Speaker 1 (31:57):
No, oh no, we had that.
I think we talked about thatone time before the podcast,
when we were talking about uh,the silent treatment.
Honestly, when you mad at me, Idon't really want to anyway uh,
remember when we talked aboutsilent treatment and you tried
to give me silent treatment onetime.
I know you remember, so don'tlook at me like that, but we
like for me, I was like we'regonna nip that in the bud, like
right now.

(32:17):
And when we came out of camefrom our corners, I'll say, when
we finally came from ourcorners, the, what was the first
thing I said?
I was like you have zero timesmore.
Zero times more to pretend likeyou don't notice me or to
pretend like you're not going totalk to me or give me the
silent treatment or give me ahug or give me my forehead kiss
in the morning.

Speaker 2 (32:40):
Like you're being passive aggressive.

Speaker 1 (32:42):
That was not passive aggressive, it was being passive
aggressive.
It was not.
It was not, it was not.
But yes, really don't call methat it wasn't.
Don't call me, shut up, don'tcall me that.

Speaker 2 (32:56):
I was doing what I know to do.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
Oh, I just closed on my rings, wild Wild, my watch
just gave it to me.
But yes, weaponized affection,that could be a thing too.
But like I said again, I'mgonna repeat myself flawed
versus toxic.
The flawed bringing it theattention, being intentional,

(33:20):
trying to adjust, change,redirect, pivot the behavior for
the betterment of self andrelationship.
Toxic you fucking deal with it,yeah, and and so your feelings
were hurt, mission accomplished.
Look, your feelings were hurtso what did we?
learn don't piss me off, andthen you can still get forehead

(33:42):
kisses no, that's what youlearned no, it's not, it's not
okay, but like we, we always say, you know real world experience
.
that's why we have theseconversations, because we we us
like everybody else are notperfect.
I was in um, uh, one of mycousin's lives the other night
alive as far as like on tiktokand um, we were just talking

(34:06):
about like how long you knowpeople have been together and
such and such, and she's likehow long have you guys been
together?
And I was like we've beentogether almost 24 years and
like people in the comments werelike oh, like, you know that's
good and you know greatrelationship and all this and
that and the third, and I'm justlike.
I'm just like.
That does not mean it.
It did not come with some work?

(34:27):
And we're still working.

Speaker 3 (34:29):
We're still learning.
At least one of us is Okay.
You know I can't stand you.

Speaker 1 (34:33):
At least one of us is , and I don't want to say that
in a discouraging way, I don'tlike saying it or framing it in
a way where people are just like, if it takes that much time,
energy and effort, then why bein a relationship with somebody
takes that much time, energy andeffort than like, why be in a
relationship with somebody?
But I say all that to say thatwhen you make a decision to be

(34:54):
in a monogamous relationship,you know, and especially if
you're in a long termrelationship, a long term
marriage, it's not going to gowithout some bumps in the road,
and I think that's what peoplereally need to understand, and
especially kind of thegeneration that's coming up now,
the ones who like to throwloosely terms like this that
talks oh no, he's toxic.
Is he toxic or is he just likeundeveloped?

(35:15):
Is he like uneducated?
Is he?

Speaker 2 (35:18):
lacks life experience or maybe he's just not aware or
maybe, or maybe you both arejust not communicating properly,
right?
Maybe you're just notcommunicating to the point to
where you both are being heardthe way you want to be heard
Exactly and the thing, and thething is like I always say about
this is, when it comes tocommunication, it's like you
have to be open to receive it asmuch as you're willing to dish
it out, exactly Because you ifif if you only't, you don't

(35:44):
really you don't want to, youdon't want to change, you don't
want to develop, you don't wantto grow, you don't want the
situation to be better, right?
you don't want to be better, youwant.
You just want him to him or herto what you want right and so
that that's why I say everyrelationship really is a two-way
street, and I think what we'vedone really well is that we

(36:06):
through knows trial andtribulations and ups and downs
and good times and bad times,and, lord, we have been through
a lot of stuff.

Speaker 3 (36:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (36:14):
We've been through pretty much everything but
infidelity.

Speaker 3 (36:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
Why would?

Speaker 3 (36:18):
both be quiet.

Speaker 2 (36:19):
Because I was trying to say I was giving you time to
come free.
Okay, Free your conscience.

Speaker 1 (36:24):
And I would do it on the episode Okay.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
That's crazy.
It's a safe place.

Speaker 1 (36:30):
All right, yeah, I'm going to confess right now.

Speaker 2 (36:33):
I knew it whore.
Well, we've gone through prettymuch most of it.
We're going to do financialproblems, we're going to do
communication issues.

Speaker 1 (36:43):
Yeah, we're going to do spells.
They're not liking each other'sstage.

Speaker 2 (36:46):
Oh Lord, communication issues.

Speaker 1 (36:48):
yeah, we're going through not liking each other's
stage.
We've been there a couple times, a couple times.
We've been through that acouple of times, a couple times
lord, I mean, I mean most.

Speaker 2 (36:57):
I think the most recent is like maybe three
months postpartum.
Well, my wife's a postpartum II couldn't stand her.

Speaker 1 (37:05):
Oh, that was a two-way street.

Speaker 2 (37:07):
I couldn't stand her because she wasn't my wife.

Speaker 1 (37:11):
I was depressed, unbeknownst to myself.
That's why it's difficult.

Speaker 2 (37:17):
I knew you had a lot going on so I gave you a lot of
grace, but I didn't like cominghome to you.
I said, oh my God, because itliterally got to the point of
what is she going to complainabout today?
Listen I just worked 11 hours.

Speaker 1 (37:32):
You need time that that went through this year and
came out the other.
I didn't give two shits whichwent out there and did the only
thing that matters is when youcross that threshold of the door
.
You're here now, so you shouldhave took that 20 minutes in the
car to switch the brain gears.
Because when you walked inthere.

(37:53):
I don't give two shits whathappened out there.

Speaker 3 (37:56):
But you can come get your baby.

Speaker 1 (37:59):
You can come get your baby.

Speaker 2 (38:02):
It was so.
So it's like we've, we've,we've gone through so many
things that we've come out.
So it's like we've gone throughso many things that we've come
out, and I think that everythingthat we've gone through has
made us a little bit strongereach time we've gone through
something to where now we canrecognize, not only in each
other but in the relationshipterm, what it is that we kind of
need to get through what we'regoing through, and a lot of

(38:24):
times I mean, it's really assimple as just dating again.

Speaker 3 (38:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (38:30):
Getting into a space where you guys can just be, not
be husband and wife, but just belike friends, be friends, be
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Speaker 1 (38:39):
Get to the point.
Get excited.

Speaker 2 (38:41):
Get to a place where you're not thinking about the
realities of life as far as likebills and all that other crap.

Speaker 1 (38:48):
Get to the point to where you're just two people who
like spending time together,experiencing each other, yeah
and who like, because we we havemoments where, when we go out
and we'll sit across from eachother at a table and we'll
literally be like I still likehanging out with you, like when
we get time alone.
You know, it's like we'll havethis little tension built up
where it's like you're gettingon my nerves.

(39:09):
Like you know, life is life,and then we'll get alone and we
get separated and we getsomewhere and it's just like
okay, I still like, I still likehanging out with you.
You know what I mean like Istill like spending time with
you.
I just don't want to get to thepoint where I look at you and
be like I could have went on asolo date.
I'm going to just leave, I'mgoing to just go ahead you go on

(39:29):
solo dates all the time.

Speaker 2 (39:31):
Stop the cap.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
Stop the cap.
Look here, you know what I mean.
I'm talking about thinkingabout a solo date when I'm with
you, like when we're on a date.
That's what I mean.
I go to work.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
After the gym I go to work.
My wife has about she'll pickthe daughter up and monday
through, when monday throughwednesday my daughter's at
practice, my wife is on a solodate, she is fooling nobody.
She is fooling nobody onwednesday.
She might be on a solo daybefore she picked my daughter up
because she don't go to the gym.

Speaker 1 (39:59):
She is full, she gets her personal time I go to the
gym while she's at practice,because she goes early okay, but
what I'm saying is you're gonnaget your time.
Goodbye anywho, but yeah, so Imean it doesn't come without,
like, some bumps in the road isessentially what the whole thing
is, but, yes, weaponizedaffection um another one.
I think would be um likefinancial manipulation or just

(40:23):
manipulation in general.

Speaker 2 (40:25):
Oh, like Ogre who the mom, oh, yeah, okay listen.

Speaker 1 (40:29):
Why would you say that?
Because you just triggered meagain.
But that is a perfect example.
That's a perfect example ofmanipulation he's talking about.
I guess her name was KendraLicari, from Unknown Number, a
high school catfish.
That is classic manipulation.
Because she basically wasbullying her own child digitally

(40:52):
and putting herself in such ahero situation because she would
send her these text messagesbeating her down all day.
Then the girl would comerunning to her looking for
affection, looking for comfort,looking for support, know a
shoulder to cry on and get somerelief.
But she was also the one thatwas causing harm.

Speaker 2 (41:11):
And the relief at the same time.

Speaker 1 (41:12):
And the relief at the same time.
That is Ooh, look at that powertrip.
Now that's toxic.

Speaker 3 (41:19):
Now see, I think that's a perfect example because
, how do we?

Speaker 1 (41:22):
distinguish a flawed person between a toxic person.

Speaker 2 (41:25):
But do you see yourself in that?

Speaker 1 (41:27):
You know what?
I really don't want to reachover and hit you, but I will
stop doing that.
Um, but listen, how do wedistinguish that of a like?
Is she a flawed person or isshe a toxic?
person, literally creating chaosyes, to be, to be the savior.
Yes, she's toxic.

(41:47):
That's toxic.
And I say it's toxic becausewhen you listen to her trying to
give a reason to why she did it, she couldn't there.
There wasn't like a real reason.
Her reason was someone elsestarted it.
She picked it up in the pursuitof trying to find out who

(42:08):
originally started it.
That don't even make sense.
Don't make sense, boo.
That don't even make sense, notat all so that now, that is
that that's an example of toxicthank you for bringing that up
because that was good.

Speaker 2 (42:23):
That's what I do.
That's what I'm here for.
That's what I'm here for.
I can't.
I'm here to help you you'rehere to help me I'm just.
I'm as the comments say.
I'm just a bad commentary, showyou right.

Speaker 3 (42:44):
okay, all right, all right, anywho.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
But on the flip side of financial manipulation, it's
also financial exportation.
Meaning me, are you expectingsomeone to cover all your
expenses?
Because of whatever reason youcan think of?
I think that's toxic.
You think that's toxic, youthink that's toxic.

Speaker 1 (43:17):
Explain why it's toxic.
Tell me why it's toxic.
You just to expect it, expect,yes, expect it without reasoning
and expecting it without, like,discussion or anything like
that.
I could see how that could betoxic.
Like if you, for instance, ifyou're just like, if you're a
well-off man and I'm a youngwoman and I start dating you, so
you're telling me it's toxicfor me to automatically assume

(43:38):
that you are now going to coverall my expenses without us even
having a conversation or withoutus, like you know, making a
ground to say like, hey, I don'towe you anything, you wouldn't
owe me anything.
But if we had made a discussion, or if we had a discussion,
yeah, we had a situation, we hada yeah, where it's like hey,
I'm willing to cover your rent,I cover your expenses because we
got a situation and we had adiscussion.

Speaker 2 (44:01):
We have an agreement right now, but mostly a
situation it could change thechild is the situation you're
taking care of her emotional andphysical needs okay making sure
she has everything physically,emotionally yes and I'm taking
care of the financial needs ofeverybody.

(44:22):
Okay, because?

Speaker 1 (44:23):
that's the situation, that's the agreement that's the
, that's the situation that'sthe situation, that's the
agreement but if you ever wantedto change don't say that,
because every time I offer forit to change, you turn it down
if you ever wanted to change, if, if you're going to be like
babe, you know what?
You can stay, go ahead and stayhome.

Speaker 2 (44:40):
Not even stay home, babe, just work for you this
week, don't work.

Speaker 1 (44:43):
I mean you can if you want to.
Life is a choice.

Speaker 2 (44:45):
Don't work.
Don't work 60 days a week.
Life is a choice.

Speaker 1 (44:57):
But any.
Um, yes, I could see how that.
I could see how that could betoxic, because if there's like
no previous discussion oranything like that, okay, I
could, I could see where you'regoing there.

Speaker 2 (45:01):
It's the expectation without so any contribution from
yourself.
So, like you just showing upand you expected something
because you show up okay, that'swhat I was gonna say.

Speaker 1 (45:10):
Yes, because I'm trying to figure out, like, how
would you frame that?
Because I do feel like thereare unspoken expectations in
relationships, like when peopleget into relationships.
And I don't know if that Iguess, because when we talk
about like gender roles right,when we get together, when men
and women get together, you getinto a relationship, there are

(45:31):
unspoken or just like you know,not need to be said expectations
men would have on women, womenhave on men.
Men have this unspokenexpectation that, ok, you know,
typically you're going to be theone that does majority of the
cooking, because that's justpsychologically ingrained into

(45:52):
all of us.
Right, women could be like,well, you know you're going to
take care of the car paymentsand the insurance and the rent,
oh, I am Okay.
But that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (46:02):
Like those are no.
No, no, that was a question,bye.

Speaker 1 (46:05):
But those are like unspoken expectations.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I get you, so is that a toxicthing?

Speaker 2 (46:13):
That's a communication thing, okay, but
what's toxic is that, when thecommunication is not there on
one side, okay.
When it's just, this is what Iexpect from you, and if you
can't deliver this, then I'mleaving.

Speaker 1 (46:25):
Okay Now, see, okay, now that I might have to
slightly disagree with you onthat, and let me let me tell you
why.
Because?
No, let me tell you why, if youget into a relationship right,
because we talk aboutcommunication Okay, if we are
new in a relationship, or we'regoing into a relationship and I
explain to you hey, like I guessyou can, for lack of better

(46:47):
verbiage like this is what Iwould expect, or this is like
the level of love that I receive, or that I feel I deserve, or
whatever, and you, off the bat,tell me, like no, that's not
toxic for me to say, okay, youcan have a nice life, I think
we'll be great as friends.
I'm going to leave because Ithink it would be toxic for me

(47:10):
to continuously stay with you,go back and forth with you
trying to change something aboutyou that you're not willing to
change, okay, and then itcausing more damage than it does
, then it doesn't okay.
So I don't think walking awayfrom something that doesn't
serve you if I'm not saying thatI agree with that, okay, but

(47:31):
don't serve you to walk awayokay, but that's what I'm saying
, like, but there's a, there'slike levels to it.
You know everything.
It can't be something whereit's like like an all or nothing
, like when you say if somethingdoesn't serve you, okay, I get
to walk away, but no, no I'mtalking about.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
I'm talking about, in that, when it's fresh, yes,
yeah, right, there's a lot ofthings right now that don't
serve me, right, but but I'm notgonna walk away.

Speaker 3 (47:58):
Gymnastics don't serve me why do I even bother
sometimes?

Speaker 1 (48:02):
hobby lobby and michaels hobby lobby does serve
you, don't serve me, it does, itdoes.

Speaker 3 (48:07):
Don't giving me my creative outlet that allows me,
allows me to have a more, uh,tolerable attitude to be to be
around that don't serve

Speaker 1 (48:19):
me that can help calm and relax me um, but yeah, so I
do think, especially cominginto like a newer relationship
to say what your, like I guess,needs, or expectations are yes,
and it's like you can't meetthat okay, that's right.
Or even if you're like a yearin and it's like, hey, I've

(48:39):
constantly communicated to you.
This is the level of love thatI feel I deserve.
I've constantly communicatedLike I've, if the work has been
there, I've communicated, I haveshown, I have given examples, I
have stepped back, I've givenroom.
I have stepped back, I've givenroom you know what I mean Like

(49:03):
I've done what I think that Ican do within my capacity to get
you to a level of understandingof where I need you to be, just
like you're trying to get me toa level of understanding of
where you need me to be, to bestsupport you, to best love you,
to best be a playing role inyour life.
But if you haven't done thatfor me we're still early enough
in the relationship that I cansay the time we had together was
good, but I can't foreseemyself taking this any further.

Speaker 3 (49:24):
Did you say you're still young?

Speaker 1 (49:25):
enough.
I can't foresee myself takingthis any further and living life
like this.
That's a fair enough what youshould do?

Speaker 2 (49:34):
I don't think that should take a year.

Speaker 1 (49:36):
Okay, but what I'm?
Saying these should be happy,we should be having what I'm
saying is what I'm saying is isthat I believe that is not, no,
a toxic thing?
So when you had said, when yousaid what you had said about,
like yeah, you could that'stoxic for a person just to walk
away?

Speaker 2 (49:53):
I don't think so okay , what I'm saying is what I what
I mean by walk away is that?
Oh, but what I mean is that islike when it's expected and they
don't want to walk away, theyjust want you to acquiesce to
them.
Okay, that's like one-sided yes.
Okay, they're like they.
They expect this, but like, inour sense, I'm, I'm getting
something out of the deal rightnow.

(50:14):
It may not be market value youknow you, just you.

Speaker 1 (50:16):
Right Now it may not be market value.
You know you, just you can'thelp yourself.

Speaker 2 (50:19):
It may not be market value, but I'm getting something
out of the deal.

Speaker 1 (50:24):
He just can't help himself.
He can't help himself.
He's going to be all over myass as soon as we stop recording
.
As soon as we stop recording,he's going to be all over my ass
and I'm leaving.
I'm going to go to the gym.

Speaker 3 (50:41):
That's fine.

Speaker 1 (50:42):
I'm leaving.
That's fine.
Finish your sentence.
I forgot what I was saying.
See, and this is what happenswhen you keep playing too much
Then you forget your whole trainof thought.
Oh my God.

Speaker 2 (50:56):
Oh, I'm definitely getting something out of the
deal.
So it's not, it's not one-sided, but my thing is that I feel
like you're gonna the.
To me, the toxic part is whenyou expect something without
giving something.
Okay, that's what.

Speaker 1 (51:10):
That's what I mean okay, I guess I can see that
that's what I mean that's whathe.
That's what he meant.

Speaker 2 (51:16):
Okay you know what people.
This has been the last episode.

Speaker 1 (51:19):
Bye the last episode.
I was like she's not right, thelast episode.

Speaker 2 (51:24):
Y'all can't see it with this thigh.
This thigh got me in achokehold.

Speaker 3 (51:28):
What thigh my thigh, this thigh right here, oh my
gosh.

Speaker 1 (51:32):
Okay, well, that was a good discussion, but yeah, I
think I just wanted to.
Can we talk about your?

Speaker 3 (51:37):
thigh.
No, we're not going to talkabout my thigh.

Speaker 1 (51:42):
Let's talk about how good and soft it is.
I just wanted to really try tolay out the difference between
people who are genuinely toxicand people who are just flawed
people.
We're all flawed people.
So therefore, in my conclusion,we all got a little toxicity
Because we all flawed, okay, butit could be just lack of

(52:02):
awareness.
It could be lack of education.
You know what I mean, not lackof education.
We're not born with a fulldownload of how to do life and
how to be in relation withpeople.
We're not.

Speaker 2 (52:16):
So it's all a learning journey, but at the
same time.

Speaker 1 (52:19):
But there are boundaries and limits, right,
that's the thing, that is thething All right guys.
So let's go ahead and moveright on into our two cents.
Okay, let's see.
So here we go.
Am I the asshole for changingmy mind about my wife being a
stay-at-home mom, since shechanged the terms?

Speaker 2 (52:42):
Let's get into this.
I can relate already.

Speaker 1 (52:44):
I'm a 35-year-old male, and I have been with my
wife, allie, who's 37, for twoyears, married for one, and
we're expecting our first childtogether in a few months.
I also have two children, an8-year boy and a six year old
girl, from a previousrelationship with Alex, who is
32.
And we have 50 50 custody.
However, alex travels a lot forwork so we have the kids more

(53:07):
than more than most of the time.
So you know he, the kids arebasically in his care so that
they get child support from Alex.
So he receives the childsupport.
He doesn't pay it, he receivesit.
Before he and Allie got married,he had spoke to Allie
extensively about what theywanted and what she wanted, and

(53:29):
she was adamant about being astay at home mom.
I was up front with her that Iwas fine with that.
We'd be able to afford it, butshe would need to be a
stay-at-home mom for all of thekids to be able to make it work.
And she agreed happily.
So, as you can probably predict, she sat me down the other day
and told me that she wants, atminimum her first year as a

(53:51):
stay-at-home mom, to only bewith the baby that they share.
She said that after that shecan help out more with the other
kids but wants to protect herfirst time motherhood and said
it's her number one boundary.
I told her that would no longerwork.
Then I couldn't support thefamily of five on just my salary
without help with all the kids.

(54:12):
She said that I needed tofigure it out and to respect her
boundaries, but this simplywon't be possible.
We have family to help, forsure, but she's saying she
doesn't want to be responsiblefor the older kids at all for
the first year.
Also, we want at least one morechild, and now I'm worried
she'll try to extend the year byhaving another baby.

(54:33):
She's incredibly hurt and angry, but I don't think it would be
even possible to respect herboundaries.
So would I be the asshole forreneging on my promise to let
her be a stay-at-home mom?

Speaker 2 (54:45):
I don't know about this.

Speaker 1 (54:47):
But you get what she's saying, right.

Speaker 3 (54:49):
I get what she's saying.

Speaker 1 (54:51):
I get both sides, I totally get both sides.

Speaker 3 (54:55):
But if you go, back to whatever, the original
agreement was the agreement was.

Speaker 1 (54:59):
She came to him and said I want to be a stay-at-home
mom and she said he said youcan be a stay-at-home mom.
I can make that happen, but youare when you're a stay-at-home
mom.

Speaker 2 (55:07):
You're a stay-at-home mom to all the kids, because
right now she's alreadypartially helping raise the
older, but I want to know what,like in my mind, eight and six
don't really need much.
I mean you have aneight-year-old I mean, but what
I'm saying is like they're notgoing to need 24-hour watching
care.

Speaker 3 (55:25):
No, they're not going to need 24-hour watching care.
They're not going to be ashandsome as a newborn.

Speaker 2 (55:30):
So I'm thinking like how much energy and time do you
have to put in?
And I'm pretty sure the eightcan help with the six yes.

Speaker 1 (55:35):
However, there's still six and eight and then
having a newborn in the house,so that would be like the
newborn is the problem.
The newborn is the problembecause now just imagine if we
just had a newborn she's eightand then we also have my great
niece who's four.
It wouldn't happen.
Okay, somebody leaving, okay Me, but that's what I'm saying.

(55:58):
I'm leaving, I would be hereand, yes, she's eight, she knows
how to make like food.
She can basically take care ofherself.
But then there's afour-year-old or a six-year-old
also in the house who stillneeds tending to watch it.
You know what I'm saying, so Ido get it.
However, however, you have beenmarried for almost two years.

(56:18):
You marry someone who hadchildren.
You have been taking care ofthese children more than 50% of
the time because the motherright, the mother pays you and
your husband child support.
Correct, so that means you'reprobably doing school drop off,
you're probably doing schoolpickup.
You're already in mother, inmother mode, and he said that

(56:44):
they have family members.
That can't help.
But her thing is she don't wantto take care of his other two
kids period, so she's saying shedon't even want them in the
house, because if they're in thehouse I still gotta take care
of no baby you gotta go to workthe, the hit parent, the mother.
She travels too much and that'swhy she's willing to pay him?

Speaker 2 (57:00):
I didn't even think about that, babe.
She's willing to.

Speaker 1 (57:02):
She said that she doesn't want to take care of
them at all.
Hold up.
So do you see why he is sayingwhat he's saying?
Because, like he said, thatwouldn't financially be possible
.
Because you want to stay home,so I'm going to have to cover
the entire household, plus anewborn, plus daycare.
Then we got to get somebody topick them up, drop them off,

(57:24):
they got to be somewhere duringthe day, and then you want me,
after having to provide for thewhole house financially.
So there's no telling what hiswork schedule looks like.
Then what am I supposed to dowith my other kids?
Do you expect me to ignore themor do you expect me to just
take care of them when I gethome from work?
She expects you to take care ofthem when you get home from work
, when you get home from workbecause she wants, but on the
flip, side on the flip side Iget where she's saying she wants

(57:46):
the experience of being withher baby.
But here's the problem.

Speaker 2 (57:49):
There's so many problems with this right, even
if he acquiesced to what shewants, when he comes home and
only caters to his two oldestchildren then she's going to
feel some type of way that he'snot helping with the newborn.

Speaker 1 (58:02):
You know what that goes back to?
That goes back to people whohave preferences, who don't date
people with children.
It makes sense, and that'sexactly why it makes sense.
That's exactly why, because youhave to understand that when
you start dating a person whohas kids, they had a whole
previous life he had a wholeprevious wife before you and I
say that and I always say this.

Speaker 2 (58:23):
I have, maybe I think two or three friends have
married women with children.
I say you are a great man, wellbe because you you are, you
have because that woman comeswith her children right, and if
you're not willing to acceptthem, as if?

Speaker 1 (58:33):
they are your children.
Comes with his children.

Speaker 2 (58:34):
Yeah, if you're not willing to like change the if
they are your children or thatman comes with his children,
yeah.

Speaker 1 (58:37):
If you're not willing to like change the mindset and
be like oh, I have a child now,yeah, and you're willing to like
change your schedule, like bethere for their schedule, if
you're not willing to fullysubmerge yourself into being in
that child's life, andespecially if you married their
parent.

Speaker 2 (58:54):
But on the flip side what?

Speaker 1 (58:56):
is he supposed to do?
Baby, you can't stay home.

Speaker 2 (58:58):
Another part of this is I also feel like the kids
might also start feeling leftout.

Speaker 1 (59:05):
Maurice, okay, you go from dad remarried.
I've been practically livingwith dad for both years of his
marriage, or the one year of hismarriage.
She's been nice to us, she'sbeen the perfect stepmom.
Now, all of a sudden, she givesbirth to dad and her child.
And now, all of a sudden, we'rechopped liver, we're Cinderella

(59:26):
.

Speaker 2 (59:26):
Yeah, we're chopped liver, we just don't matter as
much we wearing rags andcleaning floors.

Speaker 1 (59:32):
But the thing is, I can also understand what she's
saying about, like having thattime with just her baby and only
focusing on her and her.

Speaker 3 (59:40):
I get it.

Speaker 1 (59:41):
But you chose to date someone who is.

Speaker 2 (59:45):
It's a tough situation, but I'm going to say
he's not the asshole, becauseyou had an agreement before,
before this.

Speaker 1 (59:58):
Yeah, ok, before um, before this yeah, that's what
I'm gonna say um, okay, so let'ssee.
The next one is actually fromum no, I didn't take a
screenshot, I just go straightto it.
Okay, so the next one is from alistener okay, yeah, yes who
would like to rename, rename,rename, remain anonymous, and

(01:00:19):
that's fine.
So, guys, when you write into usand you want us to like read
your story, please let us knowif you would like to remain
anonymous or not.
Um, she said she wanted toremain anonymous, so she will
remain anonymous, but as youguys start to like email us and
write into us, which we reallydo appreciate, we love that
y'all want us to read y'allstories, kudos, just let us know

(01:00:41):
if you want to be anonymous ornot.
Okay, so this is from ananonymous follower.
She said am I the asshole fornot wanting to invite my
father's wife that I have norelationship with to my baby
shower?
I'm currently pregnant and Idecided to tell my dad that his
wife is not invited to my babyshower.
I'm currently pregnant and Idecided to tell my dad that his
wife is not invited to my babyshower.
My dad has been married to hiswife for 20 plus years and we

(01:01:02):
never had a good relationship.
Since I was a child, even myfather and I have had a rocky
relationship, I feel due to hismarriage to his wife.
Now that I'm older, I just wantmy father and I have been
cordial to a cordial levelrelationship, especially since
this will be the his firstgrandchild.
I informed my father that Idon't think it's best for his

(01:01:24):
wife to be present due to us nothaving a relationship at all.
His wife and I even work at thesame hospital and we've seen
each other a couple of times andneither of us have spoke.
I told him that I feel she willkeep the same energy at my baby
shower and will not speak to me.
He informed me that she willand that she will even be
cordial.

(01:01:44):
I told him I highly doubt itbecause of our history His wife
has always been hot and coldwith me, but mostly cold.
He told me there might be someuncomfortableness and I informed
him that I don't want thatenergy at my baby shower.
I don't want her to feeluncomfortable my father, my
mother or myself?

(01:02:05):
My father then said well, youknow my wife and your mother had
had issues in the past, but mymother saw them both at the
grocery store and greeted notjust my father but his wife as
well, and once again she did notspeak.
I'm almost 30 years old and Ifeel that his wife is still
holding on to things thathappened between them three when

(01:02:25):
I was younger, my father andmom get along with no issues.
I just also think it's strangethat she will even want to go to
my baby shower when she has norelationship with me whatsoever.
But am I the asshole?
Not at all, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 (01:02:39):
No, look here you tell that old way, that's still
his wife you tell that lady thatuh keep her attitude somewhere
else but here's the thing itsounds like she jealous of your
mama she.

Speaker 1 (01:02:53):
Okay, I think, let me get it off.
I was gonna be nice, I wasgonna be nice it's not to me.

Speaker 2 (01:02:58):
It's not like she, just your mom.

Speaker 1 (01:03:00):
They've been married over 20 years it sound like.

Speaker 2 (01:03:03):
I now granted, I don't have the details, I don't
know how y'all parent, how yourparents split up, but it sound
like, since they still cordialbecause I have a friend oh my
gosh, I have a here we go.

Speaker 1 (01:03:12):
Where uh her her?

Speaker 3 (01:03:12):
ex-husband were always friendly and she was.

Speaker 2 (01:03:14):
That's my ex-husband were always friendly and she was
like that's my ex-husband.
I said that's your husband.
Y'all just got paperwork thatsay y'all ain't together no more
.
And we know that's your husband.
I can't, because when he comecalling you, answer that phone.

Speaker 1 (01:03:29):
Well, that's Anyway.
Anyway, they've been married 20plus years.
She jealous of your mom, mom Iwouldn't say she's jealous of
your mama I wouldn't say thatshe's jealous, but what I will
say is that sometimes, whenpeople have not communicated for
long periods of time, they areprobably in a situation where it
just it may be a little bituncomfortableness because they

(01:03:49):
don't know how you're going toreceive if they decide to start
trying to be involved, if thatmakes sense, like maybe she
wants to talk to her, maybe shewants to have a relationship
with her, but she doesn't knowhow it's going to be received,
because she's been cold to yourperception and you've been cold
to her perception, so shedoesn't know who should break
the ice.

Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
My belief is that she's only Her being cold is who
she is, and she's only tryingto be warm when her father has
said something.
And now, since her fatherprobably wants her, but she
doesn't have a relationship withher father, she.

Speaker 1 (01:04:20):
She wants.
She hasn't had a relationshipwith her father, but now she's
no what I'm saying is I'mtalking about the father's wife.

Speaker 2 (01:04:25):
Okay, right, the father's wife, the father to
come around.
Right and she wants herdaughter or her son to be a part
of his life, and he probablyknows that if my daughter got a
problem with you, it's going tobe a problem with my grandbaby
being around, because mydaughter ain't going to want my
grandbaby around you.

Speaker 1 (01:04:40):
Yeah, because if she doesn't even want to be around
you, she ain't going to let mygrandchild be around you either.

Speaker 2 (01:04:44):
So he trying to a baby shower Shoot.
I'll cut my own mom off in asecond.
Okay, Maybe he's not the personto ask.

Speaker 1 (01:05:00):
Shit.

Speaker 2 (01:05:00):
Maybe he's not the one to ask.
My stance on everything is dowhat gives you peace.
You telling her she cannot bethere does not, that's not gonna
, I mean, and it's one day.
First of all, you're the onethat's with child.
Your peace matters the most,right.

Speaker 1 (01:05:17):
Because your peace directly reflects the child's
piece.

Speaker 2 (01:05:19):
Yeah, so if her being there is going to upset you in
any way, yeah, then it'sprobably going to be a no, you
need to be 300 miles away.

Speaker 3 (01:05:25):
Bye, not 300.
That's quite a bit, but okay,yeah, I said what I said.
Okay, you said what he said.
I said what I said okay, yousaid what he said.

Speaker 2 (01:05:34):
I want to say some other stuff, but I won't say it
okay this has been anotherepisode of Life After I Do
podcast.

Speaker 1 (01:05:40):
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graciously, give us a follow,give us a like spare a dollar,
sir.
Comment shut up, you can sparea dollar if you want interchange
.
Sir, I'll drop my apple pay andmy interchange.
Sir, I'll drop my apple pay andmy.
If you'd like to get my myStarbucks coffee, sure, but yes,

(01:06:02):
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(01:06:47):
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Peace booskies, peace booskies.