Conversation Wars

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When your relationship starts sounding like a to-do list, it’s time to reset the rhythm. In this episode, we talk about how to shift from business-mode conversations to emotional connection without needing hours of time.

We share our go-to rituals, micro-habits, and listener stories that prove small changes can make a big difference—especially when it comes to intimacy, appreciation, and staying connected during busy seasons.

You’ll also hear our takes on some intense AITA scenarios around family boundaries, public protection, and toxic loyalty games.

Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
But if I feel like I gotta just like take care of
everything and you just kickingit and I'm frustrated and I'm
holding resentment and I'mstressed out and my mind can't
get together.
If you come and you touch me,it's not gonna be, it's not
gonna be a response that youwant.
I'm definitely not going theextra mile.
I may perform my marital duties.

SPEAKER_02 (00:18):
Uh-huh.
But ain't it's a it's going,it's going to be a tour session.

SPEAKER_01 (00:43):
Hey everybody, welcome back to another podcast
episode of the Life FreddyPodcast.
Doo doo doo doo doo.
Welcome back, welcome back,welcome back.

SPEAKER_02 (00:55):
Welcome back.
I know you like it.
Hey.
Oh, no?
No.
No.
Hey Booskies.
Hi, Booskies.
How you doing?
Fine.
How you doing?
How you feeling?

SPEAKER_01 (01:08):
How you feeling?
What?
How you feeling?
Oh, it's how you living, huh?
How you living?
What?
How you living?
What?
In living color.
You can do what you want.
In living color.

SPEAKER_00 (01:22):
In living color.
I don't know the rap.

SPEAKER_01 (01:27):
I hear it in my head like you doing to do with doom
with doom.

SPEAKER_02 (01:31):
What's your favorite living colored character?
Oh.
Damn.
I'm gonna give you three becauseit's hard to pick one.

SPEAKER_01 (01:38):
Oh, okay.
Out of the three, you're gonnagive me three to choose from?
Okay, go ahead.
You go first.

SPEAKER_02 (01:43):
This ain't got nothing to do with episode by
the way.

SPEAKER_01 (01:45):
Oh my gosh.
Uh Fire Marshall Bill.
Okay.
Um probably Fire Marshall Bill.
I think that's probably myfavorite.

SPEAKER_02 (01:56):
Okay, first of all, number one is men on film.

SPEAKER_01 (01:59):
Oh, yeah, I forgot about men on film.
Yeah, I forgot.
I forgot.
Yes.
Hated it.
You are so right.
Okay, but still Fire MarshallBill.

SPEAKER_02 (02:09):
Number one is men on film.

SPEAKER_01 (02:10):
Okay, so number one is Fire Marshall Bill for me.
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (02:13):
Number two would have to be Homie the Clown.

SPEAKER_01 (02:17):
Homie the Clown don't play that.

SPEAKER_02 (02:19):
Right.
And you like Farmer MarshallBill.
I like it when he was the femalefitness instructor.

SPEAKER_01 (02:25):
Oh my gosh.
I forgot.
Oh my gosh.
What was what was his name whenhe was hurting?
I forgot his name.

SPEAKER_00 (02:32):
And you do it like this.

SPEAKER_01 (02:39):
Oh my gosh.
I feel like we need to go on amarathon.

SPEAKER_02 (02:42):
And number four for me is head detective.

SPEAKER_01 (02:45):
Oh, head detective.
With the head in the shoes.
Oh my gosh.
I think, okay, so like in livingcolor, in living color came out
in the 90s, right?
So yeah, so you had to be bornlike in the 80s, really, to know
what in living color was.

SPEAKER_02 (03:05):
And I I don't think people give Kim enough credit
because Kim was fucking.

SPEAKER_01 (03:08):
Yeah, hilarious.

SPEAKER_02 (03:09):
Because my number five would have been the uh
Kim's character.
Now I ain't one to gossip.

SPEAKER_01 (03:15):
I was still saying that.
Now I ain't the one to gossip.

SPEAKER_02 (03:18):
You were hearing from me.

SPEAKER_01 (03:19):
Yeah, I love that one.
But you didn't hear it from me.
We heard everything from you.
I feel like we should watch someepisodes of In Living Color.
Inliving Color was priceless.
That was comedy.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (03:31):
Nah, you don't appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 (03:33):
Okay, bye.
Whatever.
How was your week?
It was cool, Booskies.
You know, so what was thehighlight of your week?

SPEAKER_02 (03:39):
I feel like I'm getting stronger.

SPEAKER_01 (03:40):
Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 (03:41):
That's it.

SPEAKER_01 (03:42):
Yeah.
Feelings can be deceiving.

SPEAKER_02 (03:45):
Wow, crazy.
But I feel like I'm gettingstronger.
I'm I'm very, very happy fromall the new listeners and
followers.

SPEAKER_01 (03:51):
Thank you guys.
You guys are awesome.

SPEAKER_02 (03:53):
I was like, maybe, maybe I'm not wasting my time
with this broad.

SPEAKER_01 (03:57):
Okay.
Crazy work.
Okay.
Right, big bro?
Okay.
This random broad over here iseating cheddar biscuits.
Right.
We ain't got cheddar biscuits,but this random broad over here
is eating cheddar biscuits.
Um, okay, so that was thehighlight of your week.

SPEAKER_02 (04:12):
Take your dinner, I'm paying.
That's payment.
Bye to me.

SPEAKER_01 (04:17):
Bye.

SPEAKER_02 (04:19):
You so silly.
If I'm paying, that I mean, helot, he was true.
If I'm paying for dinner, that'spayment.

SPEAKER_01 (04:26):
Bye to mail.

SPEAKER_02 (04:27):
That's pavement.

SPEAKER_01 (04:28):
About your week.
It was cool.
I felt stronger.
Uh I'm fatter.
And in what way did that'sprobably why you felt stronger
because you got more mass.

SPEAKER_02 (04:37):
Yeah, so I had a good week.
Yeah, it was a good week.
You know, come to terms withlife, and uh, life is life in,
and my wife is trying me.
And that's it.

SPEAKER_01 (04:47):
If I didn't give you a little bit of stress, and when
you're not trying me, that childof mine is.
We just like to keep you on yourtoes.

SPEAKER_02 (04:56):
Oh, I just you're just the best dad.
I'm not no, whatever it is youwant, it's a no.
How was your week, Booski?
Um, I was it doesn't matter.
Okay.
Go ahead and tell them.
Yeah, it was the lint.
Thank you.
We'll smudge it later.

SPEAKER_01 (05:11):
Thank you.
Um I'm gonna smudge it later.
Yeah, I was gonna put, you know,my regular daggler on, but you
know, I used to wear red.
Regular daggler?
I used to wear red.
You finna call me Jack next?
Bye.
I didn't see your sucker.
I used to wear a red lipstickquite often.
And I love it.
Um but I used to wear, rememberwhen I used to wear like my

(05:32):
really bright orange reds, myburnt reds, my cherry reds.
Why'd you stop?

SPEAKER_02 (05:36):
Um side note.

SPEAKER_01 (05:39):
Side note what?

SPEAKER_02 (05:40):
A black woman in color is my favorite.
Yes, I know this.
So put the color on.

SPEAKER_01 (05:45):
Um put you on my first day.
But the season.
What did my shirt say?
I don't know.
But the season.
The season has changed.
Are we talking about my week ornot?
Why do you keep interrupting myweek?

SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
What does my shirt say?

SPEAKER_01 (05:55):
You read what your shirt says.

SPEAKER_02 (05:56):
It says black women are perfect.

SPEAKER_01 (05:58):
Okay.
Um so yeah, but like I wassaying, I used to wear red
lipstick all the time.
Then I had stopped.
And so then today I was like,um, I say, you know what?
I'm gonna put a red lip on todaybecause lipstick also makes me
happy.
It makes me feel better aboutmyself.

SPEAKER_02 (06:13):
You reached in that drawer of three million lipstick
options.

SPEAKER_01 (06:16):
Okay, what you're not gonna do is try to come for
me.
Okay.
Variety is the spice of life.
Oh, oh, you want spice?
Okay, so that's why I have a lotof options to choose from.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Also, I did it for a living.
So that's why there's also a lotof options.
We should go back to that.
But anywho, like I was saying,um, yeah.

(06:36):
But my week, my week was good.
Uh hit a new PR.

SPEAKER_02 (06:40):
Okay.
Let's hear it.

SPEAKER_01 (06:43):
I tell you, when there's a hater in the room.

SPEAKER_02 (06:45):
Let's hear it.

SPEAKER_01 (06:46):
When there is a hater.

SPEAKER_02 (06:47):
Apparently I've been hating on everybody all week.
The room.
Apparently I've been hating oneverybody.

SPEAKER_01 (06:51):
When there's a hater in the room.

SPEAKER_02 (06:52):
Apparently I've been hating on everybody all week.
Well, so tell me about it.
I pulled 375.
That's what 375?
Yeah.
I thought you said 400.
Uh-uh.
Oh, that's what, well, congrats.
No.
I see groceries in your future.
Like I see on your.

SPEAKER_01 (07:03):
I'm not bringing in no damn groceries unless I have
to.

SPEAKER_02 (07:05):
375?

SPEAKER_01 (07:06):
Um, I was like, I see some groceries in your
future.
I was gonna put 385 up there,but then I was like, I don't
wanna be, I don't wanna like,you know, overdo it.
I was still I want to work in myincrements, you know.
And um, but when I pulled the375, I was like, that moved a
lot better than you anticipated.
I anticipated, so possible.

SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
Possibly.

SPEAKER_01 (07:29):
I should have put up that 385.

SPEAKER_02 (07:31):
Um but you said possible, and my brain said,
ooh, posole sounds fire.

SPEAKER_01 (07:34):
Bye.
But uh yeah, so that was kind oflike the highlight of my week.
So I was really proud of myselfthere.
My bad.
My week was good.
Oh my gosh, you are such like Ican see now you're gonna
irritate me today.

SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
I forgot to say go birds.
We won.
We won by the by the hair orskinny skin skin, but we won.

SPEAKER_01 (07:52):
A win is a win.

SPEAKER_02 (07:52):
A win is a win.
Are you done?
We're we're number one, my boy.

SPEAKER_01 (07:56):
Are you done?

SPEAKER_02 (07:57):
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm done for the episode.
Thank you.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 (08:00):
Because I gave you ample, ample time and
opportunity to tell us aboutyour winning.

SPEAKER_02 (08:05):
I'ma just face this way.

SPEAKER_01 (08:06):
Really?

SPEAKER_02 (08:07):
So I can't see to interrupt you.
You were so I'll just respond uhwhen you need me to.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
So 375.

SPEAKER_01 (08:16):
Oh my gosh.
Debell, turn around before youupset me in front of our
friends.

SPEAKER_02 (08:22):
In front of the booskies?

SPEAKER_01 (08:23):
Yes.
Don't upset me in front of ourin front of company.

SPEAKER_02 (08:26):
You know, I I like when you get mad.

SPEAKER_01 (08:27):
Don't upset me in front of company.

SPEAKER_02 (08:28):
I like when you got a little anger behind it.

SPEAKER_01 (08:30):
Right.
So, anywho, uh, yeah, that wasprobably the highlight of my
week for my per like personally.
Okay.
That was probably the highlightof my week personally.
Um, again, spending time withfamily.
I will say, my week, I have I'vehad to like adjust a little bit
for my week because I feel like,and I love y'all.

(08:52):
You know, you and my daughter.
I love y'all like down bad.
I love y'all down.
I love y'all down bad.
But um, y'all been in my space alot.

SPEAKER_02 (09:03):
So you don't, so you don't want to be loved.

SPEAKER_01 (09:05):
Y'all been in my space a lot.

SPEAKER_02 (09:07):
You don't want to be loved a lot of you.

SPEAKER_01 (09:09):
I do.
I love, I love you guys as love,but you know, I'm just trying to
adjust.
Um, but oh, about my book,because you again, you're hating
on my book.
Why are you hating on my book?
I'm not hating on your book.
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (09:22):
Well, I'm The book is taking my time.

SPEAKER_01 (09:24):
Okay, so I'm back into my reading.
Um, I read, I read prettyfrequently, but I've gotten back
into um like my like yes, mybook, like books and series.
And so I'm reading uh KennedyRyan before I let go.
Shout out to my good friendAisha for hooking me up with the
books because she was like,girl, it's a must read.

(09:45):
And then of course I became partof book talk, and it's like one
of the you know highly ratedbooks to read.
But if I'm being honest, guys,okay, I feel like I just got
into the nitty-gritty of it all.

SPEAKER_02 (09:56):
I'm not gonna tell them about the podcast about
books.

SPEAKER_01 (09:58):
Bye.
I just I I just got to like thenitty-gritty parts of the book,
but I mean, when I first startedreading it, like up to chapter
like 15, 17.
15.
I was like, I am giving this.
Oh, you better than me.
Not my highest, my highestrating, but now that I'm like
into the nitty-gritty of it andall of the buildup is starting

(10:18):
to pay off.
Now I'm like, okay, okay, likelet's let's see this through.

SPEAKER_02 (10:23):
You are better than me.
By chapter three, I would haveguessed.
I ain't got time.
Can we skip to the good part?
Can we skip to the good part?
I have been known to skipchapters.
Let me get I'll figure out whathappened when I get there.

SPEAKER_01 (10:39):
Wow.
I mean, here hear me out.
I've done that sometimes withbooks where I've gone to the end
and read like the last chapter,and depending on how the chapter
ended, then I will go back.
I've done that before.
Don't get me wrong, I've donethat before.
Um, I'm gonna waste my time.
But yeah, so I'm like on chapter32 or 35.

SPEAKER_00 (10:58):
What does this book have?
44.
Crazy.
Who wrote this?
R.
Kelly?
What we got today?
Bye to mail.

SPEAKER_02 (11:06):
What we got today?

SPEAKER_00 (11:07):
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
What we got today, Muskies?

SPEAKER_01 (11:13):
I don't I don't even know why I like you half the
time.
I'm not sure that I do becauseyou be doing too much.
Um so I had came across a videoclip on, I think it was TikTok,
but it was from the Tamara Hallshow.
Okay.
And she had a guest on there,and they were talking about um

(11:34):
communication between You'retalking about the Tamara Hall.
Tamara Hall, yes.

SPEAKER_02 (11:38):
The one that had a baby at 50.
Yes.
The one that's 50 plus and stilllook good?

SPEAKER_01 (11:41):
Yes.

SPEAKER_02 (11:41):
That one?

SPEAKER_01 (11:42):
Yes.
Beautiful woman.

SPEAKER_02 (11:44):
Gorgeous.

SPEAKER_01 (11:45):
Um, but they were talking about the average time
spent between uh husbands andwives when it comes to
communication.
And it was something around like15 hours.
A week?
A week.
That's a lot.
Or 15, yeah.
I think it was like 15 hourscumulative for the week or uh 15

(12:07):
minutes or something like that.
But it it got me to thinkingbecause when when they talk
about the types of conversationsthat are happening, it's
basically logistical things thatpertain to the household, the
children, uh, bills, scheduling,but there's not real intimate

(12:28):
conversations that arehappening.
What what do you call intimate?
Um, intimate conversations,okay.
So for instance, for me, right?
Remember how we always talkabout like from my perspective,
it's important for each of us tohave our own thing to do because
I enjoy listening to you tell meabout the things that you are
doing that's not necessarilythat involves me, right?

(12:48):
Um, my books.
Okay.
I can talk to you about mybooks.

SPEAKER_02 (12:52):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (12:53):
You're not reading my books, right?

SPEAKER_02 (12:54):
But nor do I plan on it.

SPEAKER_01 (12:56):
Right.
But it's exciting for me for usto have time alone for me to
talk to you about something thatI'm excited about or talk to you
about something that I'm reallyinterested in that you're not
necessarily in with me.
And it gives us something new todiscuss outside of what we have
planned for the weekend for thefamily, outside of what bills
need to be paid, outside ofmaking sure the house is taken

(13:17):
care of.
Like for me, that's that's aform of intimacy because when
we're having thoseconversations, I get to have
you.
I get to have my partner.

SPEAKER_02 (13:25):
I don't have-I was in your space.

SPEAKER_01 (13:30):
Listen, I hear what you're saying.
Listen.
Okay, I hear what you're saying.
Um so when I when you ask me,like intimacy for me, when it
comes to conversation, thosetypes of things are intimacy for
me.
When I get to have conversationwith you that doesn't pertain to
the things that we have to dotogether that are like our
responsibilities, okay, but weget to have intimate

(13:51):
conversation about our interestsor things that we are doing that
doesn't necessarily pertain toour day-to-day.
Okay, that's an intimateconversation for me.
Or discussing our feelings indetail.
Or you know what I'm saying?
Or getting to know something newabout you that I didn't know.
Like all of a sudden, girl, allof a sudden, he's a tea drinker
at night.

SPEAKER_02 (14:11):
Look here.

SPEAKER_01 (14:12):
All of a sudden, the man drinks tea at night.

SPEAKER_02 (14:14):
I've been converted.
That team put me asleep.
I'll be knocked out.

SPEAKER_01 (14:19):
So I drink a cup of uh cup of tea before bed.
Oh Lord.
And so I think I had mentionedthis last episode that I had
made you a cup of tea.
And he has been on the tea kickevery night.
And now we are going through tealike like crazy because that the
other one upstairs likes todrink the tea.

SPEAKER_02 (14:37):
Around 8:39 o'clock, I turned to Rihanna.
Pour it up, pour it up.

SPEAKER_01 (14:41):
Bye.
Like last night, I was like,I'll be upstairs in a minute.
I'm gonna make my tea.
Are you making me tea?

SPEAKER_02 (14:46):
Right.
Because now the house wants tea.
The house.

SPEAKER_01 (14:51):
Yeah.
So so anyway, I thought that waspretty interesting because we
always talk about how importantcommunication is, especially in
a relationship.
And especially when yeah, likecommunication is just a
foundational pillar for any typeof relationship, whether it's a
working relationship, um, ifyou're just dating somebody, but
like especially if you aremarried and you have been

(15:14):
together for an extended periodof time, communication, I feel
like is one of those things thatis like the first to go.
Um, so I feel like communicationis one of those topics that you
constantly have to have becauseit can fall through the cracks.
Um it it had said I had found umsome info.

(15:35):
Uh, broader relationship timestudies indicate that more time
spent talking is associated withfewer perceived negative
quantities or qualities in amarriage and higher feelings of
connection.
In other words, uh qualitymatters less than what you talk
about, but the time stillmatters.
Okay.
Does it make sense?
Yeah.
Which I I think it it does too.

SPEAKER_02 (15:56):
The substance of the conversation is what's
important.

SPEAKER_01 (15:59):
But the issue comes is when we talk about married
people, is the bulk of theconversation that's happening
between man and wife.

SPEAKER_02 (16:09):
I feel like the bulk of our conversations recently is
just us critiquing each other'sform in the gym.
We play the footage back, like,nah, because first of all,
apparently we're both bad atcounting.

SPEAKER_01 (16:24):
So yeah, yeah, that's why you gotta take video.
At least you know we're focused.

SPEAKER_02 (16:29):
Focused.

SPEAKER_01 (16:29):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (16:30):
But I do agree with that.
I but I I do think the qualityof the conversation is, I think
the quality of the conversationis more important than the
length of the quality.
Wow, crazy.

SPEAKER_00 (16:39):
Sorry, I didn't turn my ringer off.

SPEAKER_02 (16:41):
Is more important than the length of the call uh
the conversation.

SPEAKER_01 (16:43):
The quality, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_02 (16:45):
Because of course, um, you know, a lot of times a
lot of things can be said in ashort period of time that makes
you feel reconnected because asadults we understand that life
within itself is busy.
So we can come together,connect.
Maybe that's the 10-15 minutesbefore bed, before the tea
knocks me out.
Right.

(17:05):
Before the tea gets to me, orbefore I rough start rubbing
your butt and let you knowwhat's up.

SPEAKER_00 (17:10):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (17:10):
Whatever that case may be, maybe that that that
might be enough for us tosustain and have us feel like we
are actually still connected toone another.
And it may be different forother people because again,
because every relationship,every situation is different.

SPEAKER_01 (17:24):
Right.
But think about the but thinkabout how there are some couples
who are not even doing that,where the limit of the
conversation is literally,what's your work schedule this
week?
What's my work schedule thisweek?
Who's gonna pick up the kids?
We need to do the groceryshopping.
You know the light bill is due.
Oh, you need to go to the bank.
I need you to drop this off atthe cleaners, I need you to go
take this back.
Like, especially when you haveexactly, that's what I'm saying.

(17:46):
Especially when you have twomultiples, when you have two uh
busy adults, two busy workingparents with children and home
responsibilities, the line ofcommunication for uh things
outside of the logistical andand administrative things of the
home and of your life can fallthrough the crack.

(18:06):
And I think that's where likeseparation and things like that
start to like start to happen.
So um the common categories umthat were studied amongst uh
groups that you know couplestypically talk about is
logistical and administrationthings, right?
So schedule kids, stores kids,schedule.

(18:27):
I mean, that's normal.
I think that goes without sayingtoo much.
Um work and daily stress, sodebriefing about the workday.
Dealing with y'all, right?
That's right, um, venting, samething.
Yes, um, parent and homemanagement, obviously.

SPEAKER_02 (18:44):
Lord Jesus.
I walk in, you're like, lookhere, I had the parent today,
and and and while I got yourear, let me tell you some stuff
that our home needs.

SPEAKER_01 (18:53):
Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 (18:54):
So you can go ahead and get these, get this ball
rolling.

SPEAKER_01 (18:56):
Because Christmas is coming and I need to add new
decor because we gotta get itgoing.

SPEAKER_02 (19:01):
Um I just figured out that uh Christmas is the
season and Thanksgiving just aholiday within the season.
Bye.
Which is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 (19:08):
Um future planning, decision making.
So that includes like thefinances, per making it moving,
it's all important.
But that wasn't particularlyimportant, right?
But all of it is important, butthe portion that is missing is
conversations that are not beinghad outside of these
conversations, right?

(19:30):
Um, so they did the breakdown onhow these types of conversations
can affect men and affect women,and from the female perspective
and from the male perspective.

SPEAKER_02 (19:39):
Oh Lord, why why is it all why is it always a battle
of sexes?

SPEAKER_01 (19:43):
It's not a battle of the sexes.
I think it's just an explorationof each experience.
Okay.
Because your, the way youexperience these day-to-day
things is different than how Iexperience them.
How you interpret them, how youfeel about them is going to be
different from how I interpretthem and how I feel about them.

SPEAKER_02 (20:03):
100%.
I agree.
Correct?

SPEAKER_01 (20:05):
I agree.
Okay.
I'm on the right.
So, you know, I'm not, I'm noton the bandwagon of um him
versus her or husbands versuswives or she versus he.
No.

SPEAKER_02 (20:17):
It's just big big brother versus everybody else.

SPEAKER_01 (20:19):
But we're not going to negate the fact that men have
a different experience in arelationship than that of women.
Okay.
We're not going to negate thatbecause that's just normal.
Okay.
We're on different.
Exactly.
So, um, so with women, uh, someof the key effects with women,
based on study and research,emotional labor load that

(20:42):
increases.

SPEAKER_02 (20:44):
Y'all love y'all love this.
That y'all love that, don't you?

SPEAKER_01 (20:47):
What do you no?
Actually, we actually quite theopposite.
It is quite the opposite, sir.

SPEAKER_02 (20:54):
Y'all love saying, oh, my emotional labor load is
just increasing.

SPEAKER_01 (20:59):
Emotional labor load.
I'm carrying all the emotions ofthe family.

SPEAKER_02 (21:03):
Like men, like men, men, we carry emotions, we just
handle it in a different way.

SPEAKER_01 (21:06):
Studies show that women often carry the mental
checklists.
Okay.
So schedules, kids, school, um,logistics at the home.
Um, for the most part, I meanYou do?
You know, like oh, you carry theschedule?
I carry the schedule.
I didn't say I carry theschedule.
Okay.
But ensuring that things arelike updated and stuff.

(21:28):
But see, here's the thing thatyou miss and what you like to
do.
Okay, go ahead, Tony.
When I say something like that,you instantly take that as you,
that means I'm saying you neverdo that.
I never say that.
No, but that's how you that'show no.
Don't try to give yourself anout.
I'm not trying to get myself anout.
Live in your truth.

SPEAKER_00 (21:43):
Based on your response, live in your truth.

SPEAKER_01 (21:46):
Based on your response just now, that is what
I am taking as an interpretationof you saying that I am trying
to insinuate that it's somethingthat you never do.
Okay.
Okay.
So I didn't I didn't say that Ialways Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (22:02):
I'm I'm I have no rebuttal.
I want to be able to do that.
Okay, it's not a rebuttal, butokay.
I want to get through thesefemale points so we can get to
the meat and the potato of themen points.
Okay, fair enough.
Whatever.
We know who really is.

SPEAKER_01 (22:13):
So women, women often carry the mental old
checklist, as we know.
Okay.
Um, and then it says, What whenum most talk about the
administrative work, like women,women feel exhausted rather than
connecting.
Okay.
Okay, you and your eyebrowraise.
Whatever.
Um, sensitivity to negativecommunication, okay, negative

(22:35):
conversational patterns, such aslike criticism, contempt, um,
stonewalling.

SPEAKER_02 (22:41):
Nobody, anybody's stonewalling.

SPEAKER_01 (22:42):
I can't wait to get to that portion of the male
perspective.

SPEAKER_02 (22:45):
Ain't nobody's stonewalling.

SPEAKER_01 (22:46):
Um, are strongly linked to women's reports of
distress in a relationship andcausing strain on the
relationship for the basis ofcommunication.
Women often uh processrelational threats faster and
may experience more emotionaland psychological stress from
harsh interactions.

SPEAKER_02 (23:06):
Here we go with the emotions.

SPEAKER_01 (23:08):
Okay, why do you have to paint emotions in such a
negative Because everyone hasemotions?
I mean, okay.
And that's my belief.
Hold on.
There's some people who likeclinically.
I was gonna say there's somepeople who clinically, I mean,
they have emotions, they justcan't tap into them.
Um, so uh female perspective, aneed for focus-based
conversation or talk.

SPEAKER_02 (23:29):
Women report greater benefits from emotional sharing
and what why do you believe thatthe need for focus-based talk is
is a thing when y'all alwaysbring up stuff that's out of
focus?

SPEAKER_01 (23:42):
That doesn't, I don't even understand the
question.
I don't even understand what youjust asked.
Say that again, because I don'teven think you understand what
you just okay.

SPEAKER_02 (23:50):
So repeat it for me so I can so how can you say that
women have a need for um foremotion focused talk, right?
That's what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 (23:59):
How can we say that we have a need for emotionally
focused talk?

SPEAKER_02 (24:01):
Focus is what I'm talking about, right?
Okay, focus part.
Okay, when you would then digback into your memory and try to
correlate things to a currenttopic, you know, you won't focus
on the present.
You try to try to incorporatethe past in it.

SPEAKER_01 (24:15):
Okay, first of all, incorporating a past or bringing
up those messages.
Yeah, you have to be becauseyou're like, don't you're gonna
piss me off in front of company.
That's why I did it.
You're gonna piss me off infront of company.

SPEAKER_02 (24:28):
Your face?

SPEAKER_01 (24:32):
My goodness.
It's it's just not toppling wellbecause you've been in my space
for like the past two weeks inmy in my space where you're not
usually.
So I haven't so I haven't hadlike my me time like I normally
get to be able to, you know.
They say they love you tillyou're around.
Um bye.

(24:54):
Um, let's see, expectationsversus reality frustration.
Okay.
When women expect intimacy andinstead receive logistics, they
can feel emotionally neglected.
The gap is a frequent triggerfor disengagement or give me an
example of that.

(25:14):
Why?
I'm trying, I'm an example.
So expectation versus likereality in frustration.
So for me, okay, for me, speakyour truth.
Um, remember how we have aconversation all the time about
you taking initiative?

SPEAKER_02 (25:29):
All right, cleaning and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 (25:30):
It doesn't it could be cleaning, but we'll we'll use
that one because that's a that'sa frequently set thing in our
home.

SPEAKER_02 (25:39):
That's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_01 (25:40):
Um like it happens.
I would expect that if you walkinto the kitchen and you see
that it needs to be straightenedup, and either my focus is
elsewhere or I'm not even home.
Oh, okay.
Right?
What do you think guys?
The reality of me expecting,though, for you to take the

(26:01):
initiative to put those dishesin the dishwasher crazy work.
Isn't gonna happen.
And then that leads me to beinga little frustrated or
disconnected.

SPEAKER_02 (26:10):
What do you think I do when you're not home?

SPEAKER_01 (26:11):
Or when I'm not well, I can tell you exactly
what you did when I wasn't hometoday.
What I do.
You napped, you stayed in youroffice, and you talked on the
phone to your brother becauseyou were doing the same thing
when I got home.
Oh, okay.
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (26:24):
So now that we know what the standard is.

SPEAKER_01 (26:26):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (26:27):
Now we know what the baseline is.

SPEAKER_01 (26:29):
No, that's not.
No, but there's your example.
Does that satisfy?

SPEAKER_02 (26:34):
I guess.
Whatever.
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (26:37):
Um, let's see.
We'll do one more.
Um, impact on sexual andemotional intimacy.

unknown (26:43):
Oh Lord.

SPEAKER_02 (26:43):
That's emotional words.
Keep coming up.

SPEAKER_01 (26:48):
Women who feel emotionally connected through
conversation are more likely toexperience satisfactory
intimacy.

SPEAKER_00 (26:57):
That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 (26:58):
Conversely, logical only talk correlates with lower
sexual and emotionalsatisfaction.

SPEAKER_02 (27:05):
First of all, I said satisfying.
Satisfying, sorry.
Intimacy.

SPEAKER_01 (27:08):
Thank you.
I said Oh, thank you forcorrecting.
Thank you for correcting me.
Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 (27:12):
So that I said, I said, uh uh Do you want me to
reread it?
I said satisfactory is wild.
She's not even enjoying it.
He's barely passing.
That's wild.

SPEAKER_01 (27:23):
Okay, so they that reminds me.
Did I tell you, did I show youthat clip of that comedian where
she was like, I want to comeback as a man in my next life?
She was like, because um whenshe was explaining how sex is
different between men and women,she was like, We are doing two
completely different things inthe bedroom.
You're focusing on notfinishing, and I'm focusing on

(27:44):
trying to get there.
She was like, I've never hadthat problem where I didn't have
to focus.

SPEAKER_02 (27:49):
I'll focus on goodness.

SPEAKER_01 (27:51):
Okay, goodbye.
Um, okay, so I'm not I'm notgonna go through all of them
because there's quite a few.
But from the male perspective.

SPEAKER_02 (28:01):
Oh, oh, you are now that we got that galarky.

SPEAKER_01 (28:06):
Now that we got all the emotional galarkey out the
way.

SPEAKER_02 (28:10):
Boy, emotion this, emotion that.
I was getting motion sickness.
I don't know how they gotogether.

SPEAKER_01 (28:17):
I don't either.
I don't either.

SPEAKER_02 (28:20):
Okay, so it says here that key effects on men.
Okay.
It says preference for solutionfocus talk.
Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 (28:29):
Because you guys are more like solution focus.
That is true.
Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_02 (28:33):
I only want to have the conversation if we're
working on a solution.
I don't want to keep talkingabout the problem.
How do we fix it so we can moveon?

SPEAKER_01 (28:40):
Well, but I don't think it's just like just
talking about the problem.
I think where where they talkabout women wanting to, I guess
like how you say, having theemotional aspect and then you
guys being more problem-solvingdriven.
I think that's where theconversation comes where we want
to look at the avenues to get tothe best solution, right?

(29:01):
So when we talk about it, it'slike, okay, the solution that
you've come up with, not tryingto say that's not a bad
solution.

SPEAKER_02 (29:08):
However, have we considered this?

SPEAKER_01 (29:10):
Have we considered this?
So we gotta consider it.
We want to make sure that we arechoosing the best options
available.

SPEAKER_02 (29:19):
So we gotta consider a hundred options.

SPEAKER_01 (29:20):
We don't have to consider a hundred options.

SPEAKER_02 (29:22):
It says here that many men socialize towards
problem solving when come whenconversations are framed around
solutions.
Men feel effective andconnected.
If women want empathy first, menmust um uh men made mysteries,
cues, and jump to fixes.
And that is true.
Okay, because I remember I'vesaid this many times on here.
When you come to me, I have toask you, am I listening to hear,

(29:43):
or am I lit listening to fix?
Because that's two differentears.
That is two different ears.
And sometimes I need both.
If I'm listening to just thejust to hear you out, I'm gonna
be honest with you, nine, it'sgoing like this.
Wow, that's not great.
No, no, it no it it It gets tothe other side before it gets
stored.

SPEAKER_01 (30:02):
Although I thought you said it was going through
one ear and not the other.
I was like, that's diabolical.

SPEAKER_02 (30:06):
When I'm listening to fix, it's going in the ear,
straight to the brain toprocess.
Okay.
Work on the solution.
So by the time it gets overhere, the other side, I got
something.

SPEAKER_01 (30:17):
You can spit something out.
Hot fire.

SPEAKER_02 (30:19):
Dylon, dylon, dylon, nylon.
So that that is very true.
Okay.
For I believe so, right?
Number two, it says perceptionof overwhelmed by logistics.
Now, for me, this is a fact.

SPEAKER_01 (30:36):
You can't have too many things of your plate away.

SPEAKER_02 (30:39):
I cannot be responsible for too many.
And because he literally shutsdown like a robot.
School drop-off is number isnumber one.
Oh, yeah.
He can't.
That drop-off.
It is too, it's too many.
It's like a cog, a bunch of cogsin the machine.
It's too much going on.
And then people don't have nodamn manners.

SPEAKER_01 (30:54):
But see, that's where you have to be like stern.
You have to be, your car is yourmetal vehicle to get you
through.

SPEAKER_02 (31:01):
So it says that men who aren't the default
organizers can feel sidelinedwhen most conversations.

SPEAKER_01 (31:09):
Who are not.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (31:09):
Can feel sideline when most conversation is admin
heavy.
Still, some men report reliefwhen logistics are clearly
managed, balanced matters.
Now I would say, when they areclearly managed balance, like
what I tell you all the time,what you need from me.

SPEAKER_00 (31:24):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (31:24):
You tell me what you need from me.

SPEAKER_02 (31:27):
And I will deliver.

SPEAKER_01 (31:28):
And here's the thing.
I I love that you brought thatup because these are
conversations that I've had likeamongst my my friend group,
right?
My married friends.
I thought it was just me andyou.
Bye.
My married friends.
Well, you must have.
And when you say something likethat, like you, I can understand
from how your brain processesthings when you come in and you
tell me, you just tell me whereI need to be.

(31:51):
Yes.
Right?
And I can get that.
I get that from your perspectiveonly because I understand how
your brain works sometimes.
I understand that if I give youtoo much, if I say too much at
one time, you start doing whatyour daughter does, is you guys
like kind of look in my eyes,but you're looking past me.
No, I'm not, I'm looking at it.
And then and it's like, and it'slike I've lost you, you know?
Okay.

(32:11):
The the on the other hand, whenit comes to women, it's like if
we are both in this samesituation, right?
You live in the same household,you parent the same child, you
use the same kitchen, you uhdrive the same car.
Like we're doing this, we're inthis together.
Okay.
Why is it that I have to tellyou where to be, what to do,

(32:34):
what needs to be taken care of?
Why can't you see it the waythat I see it?
No, I'm I'm not, I'm not sayingI'm talking about it like in
general.
Because when you say that, likehow it's said that um, you know,
men get can get overwhelmed, um,you know, get overwhelmed and
with the logistics of things,right?
Because I like I said, because Iknow you and how your brain

(32:56):
works, I know that I can onlycome to you with a certain
amount of things.
Well, because like I'm butoverall, well, I'm telling you
from like the wives'perspective, in uh, in some
things and in some areas, wekind of feel as though, okay,
but if we're both we're bothdoing this together, we're in
the same, we're in the sametrench together.
How is it that I can see thatthe schedule needs to be

(33:19):
updated?
How is it that I can see sheneeds to be taken here?
How is it that I can see the,you know, the drawer hasn't been
fixed in a year?
How is it that I can see all ofthese things, but you're in it
too, and you don't see it, butyou need me to say, hey, I need
you to be here at six.
Hey, I need you to go pick thisup.
Hey, I need that's what I'mthat's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02 (33:40):
But that's why I said that in our situation, it
is what matter because manage,because you do things like you
put everything on the calendar,so I have no excuse.
Right.
And you see that I can see thatyou see that I can see that
what's going on, like forinstance, tomorrow.
I know what's what has to happentomorrow today because it's on
the calendar.

SPEAKER_01 (33:54):
It's on the calendar, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (33:55):
You've already done your part.
So now I don't feel over them.
It's not a surprise to me.

SPEAKER_00 (33:59):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (33:59):
And then also it does both go some ways because
when I get the emails of hey,babe, just so you know, tomorrow
is cool, this is going on.
We gotta take care of thistomorrow.
Yeah, so it doesn't it does goboth ways, but I think what's
important here is that becauseyou know who I am and how I
manage it, how I think, right?
I have to knock things off oneat a time.
Right, right.
I may be able to um, you know,do a little bit of maybe, you

(34:23):
know, two or two or three, maybethree things at once.
Yeah.
But once y'all get past three,if something gets done, it's a
miracle.

SPEAKER_00 (34:30):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (34:30):
Okay, I got it.
I have I have to be very, veryaligned in that.
So this one also says the valueof positive feedback and
respect.
Men often report that uh uhaffirm affirmation, respect, and
acknowledgement of effort arekey drivers of their
relationship satisfaction.
A simple appreciation can go forit.
And this is a hundred percent.

(34:52):
When I feel appreciated, I ammore willing to go the extra
mile.
Yeah.
I'm gonna do what's necessaryregardless.

SPEAKER_01 (34:58):
Because you have responsibilities.

SPEAKER_02 (34:59):
Because I take care of my responsibility.

SPEAKER_01 (35:01):
Right, right.
But when I feel appreciated, youwant to do a little zooms on it.

SPEAKER_02 (35:06):
I'm gonna go ahead and walk that extra mile and a
half.

SPEAKER_01 (35:08):
Right.
And see, and then on the otherside of that, for women, when we
feel heard y'all turn.
Bye.
When we feel heard, when we feelemotionally secure, when we feel
secure.
Okay.
Do you feel secure in ingeneral?

SPEAKER_02 (35:21):
You do?

SPEAKER_01 (35:22):
Today I did.

SPEAKER_02 (35:23):
Okay.
Tomorrow might be secure.

SPEAKER_01 (35:25):
Um, when we feel all of those things, or I am our
emotional needs are satisfied,or our mental is not inflamed,
we're willing to go the extramile.
Okay.
But if I feel like I gotta justlike take care of everything and
you just kicking it, and I'mfrustrated and I'm holding
resentment and I'm stressed out,and my mind can't get together.

(35:46):
If you come and you touch me,it's not gonna be, it's not
gonna be a response that youwant.
I'm definitely not going theextra mile.
I may perform my marital duties.

SPEAKER_02 (35:55):
Uh-huh.
But it's a bit more.

SPEAKER_01 (35:57):
It's going, it's going to be a chore session.

SPEAKER_00 (36:00):
It's going to be a chore session.

SPEAKER_02 (36:02):
You know what?
Uh uh Lisa left eye lopez toldme that you know women that
won't shrub.

SPEAKER_00 (36:05):
So bye.
Finish your point, boy.
I'm so done with you.

SPEAKER_02 (36:11):
Impact on stress and performance.
It says men who feel supportedemotionally tend to have lower
stress and better focus at work.
Conversely, reoccurring conflictor unresolved logistics can
spill into performance and mood.
And now reading this, I must notfeel supported.

SPEAKER_01 (36:35):
Now reading this.

SPEAKER_02 (36:37):
I thought I felt supported, but apparently my my
stress at work and my inabilityto focus, it's your fault.
Oh, okay.
That's that's what it's tellingme.
These are the notes that youprovided me.

SPEAKER_01 (36:49):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (36:49):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (36:50):
Listen, this is the research.

SPEAKER_02 (36:52):
This is the research you this is the research.
But no, I'm saying, but Ihonestly I I can say that can be
a thing.
How how is it basically you'redistracted?
You're distracted and you feellike you're missing out and
you're or you're lackingsomething.
There's a void.
As a man, there's a void.
And so when you're trying to umbalance the weight of

(37:12):
responsibility in life all atone time, it can be overtaxing.
It can be heavy.
The the process can take itstoll.
And a lot of times, men don'thave who men who don't feel like
they have the help or theoutlet.
I can see how that could uhadversely affect their emotional
mood and increase their stress,especially if you marry to

(37:34):
Kinesha.
Um goodbye, Demale.
Goodbye.
I love my wife, y'all.
You look here giving you achance.
It says less frequent need fordeep talk, but still important.
Men may not require as muchfrequent emotional um emotional
processing, but when they doopen up, genuine attention and

(37:57):
non-judgmental listening arecrucial and highly rewarding.
And this is a fact because whenI muster up the courage to open
up, why do you have to be sodramatic about it?
This is I'm being factual.

SPEAKER_00 (38:11):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (38:12):
I appreciate you.
I do not feel as if I'm beingreceived in a manner in which I
want to be received or feel likeit's appropriate.
That part.
I have to feel it.

SPEAKER_01 (38:22):
Nope, nope, that part.
I want you to stay right therebecause we I want you to stay
right there only because we'vehad this conversation, right?
Transparency moment in ourmarriage, okay?
Stop touching me.
Uh oh.
Ah, how you, if you're not beingperceived the way I need to be
perceived.
You need to be perceived, right?
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (38:41):
So it's as part of that's my responsibility to
communicate better.

SPEAKER_01 (38:45):
Right, right?
Because we've had thatconversation before, and I've
had I've physically have askedyou, what is it that I can do to
ensure that you feel that I'mtrying to be supportive?
That I you feel that you canreceive.

SPEAKER_02 (38:59):
Listen and don't judge.

SPEAKER_01 (39:01):
I listen and don't judge.
But I told you, I told you, Isaid what listen, I don't, it's
not, it's not my intention tojudge you ever.
But when you come to me and youask me for advice and you start
with your premise when you'retrying to be vulnerable and you
say, Babe, what do you think?

(39:21):
Lie to me.
You can't no, no, it's so it'sthe same thing.
Like when you tell me, okay,when you come to me and say, Um
you have a problem, is this alistening ear that I have to
give you?
Or if it's a problem solvingear.
So when I came to you and I saidthat, okay, so what does that
look like to you?
What does the support look like?

(39:41):
And then when I just get quietand I let you, you, you do your
thing, then you look at me like,okay, so I didn't just say
nothing.
So what?
Okay, so do you want me torespond?
Like, what does that look like,you know?
So I but I I say all that to saythat makes perfect sense because
I've seen that in real time inreal time in our relationship.

SPEAKER_02 (40:01):
Did you and sometimes you react correctly?

SPEAKER_01 (40:05):
Correctly or critically?
Correctly.
Oh, okay.
I didn't understand what yousaid.

SPEAKER_02 (40:09):
No, you understand exactly what you're saying.
No, I didn't understand what yousaid.
Um this one right here is bigfor us.

SPEAKER_00 (40:15):
Okay, what is it?

SPEAKER_02 (40:16):
Practical communication wins.
Okay.
Yeah.
It says clear roll agreementsand scheduled check-ins reduce
friction.
Men often respond well tostructure and communication.
And this is this, this is I feellike this is the this is the the
the foundation of success thatour marriage has stood on.

(40:40):
We we get together, we talkabout the roles and the
structure, and then we stick toit.
And then when someone getsoverwhelmed, we come back and we
negotiate.

SPEAKER_01 (40:49):
It's like um like how y'all been in my space for
the past two weeks, and I've hadto communicate that.

SPEAKER_02 (40:54):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (40:54):
And I said that I'm used to having at least five
hours to myself, and I have notbeen able to get away.

SPEAKER_02 (40:58):
And so tomorrow, and so tomorrow night at the family
meeting, we'll sit down and playlet's make a deal.

SPEAKER_01 (41:04):
Let's make a deal.

SPEAKER_02 (41:06):
Because apparently this week mommy's a hot topic.
Everybody wants mommy, and soyou might have to go without.

SPEAKER_01 (41:13):
And that's why I was in the gym for four hours today.

SPEAKER_02 (41:15):
You might have to go without a little spit really
this week.
But we'll get you back on theback end.
I love you guys.
We'll get you on the back end.
I love spinning too.
But that guy, that that that Ithink, I think what's what's
really helped us and really,really, really, really helped us
is that we understand what ourroles are and what we agree to.
We have roles that we agree to.
We don't have anything that hasbeen.

SPEAKER_01 (41:35):
And they're not like sticklers where it's like they
we they they're notinterchangeable.
No, right.
And I don't just, and when yousay roles, just so we can
clarify for people.
It's not just like, oh, that'sjust his role because he's the
husband.
This is just my role because I'mthe wife.
It's just in roles in which weset for ourselves, whether it be
for home, for work, how weinteract with her, like who

(41:57):
takes her to practice, likethose types of roles.
You know, I don't want people tolike just see it caught up in
like, oh, you just take care ofthis because you're the parent
that's the default parent orwhatever.
Those are just, you know, likethe roles that we've set for
ourselves.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (42:11):
And then the final one, something we also do.
Maybe, maybe, maybe we are goodexamples.

SPEAKER_00 (42:15):
I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 (42:15):
Because we have one of these already.

SPEAKER_00 (42:17):
I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 (42:17):
I mean, I know I am.
You struggle.

SPEAKER_00 (42:19):
We can spruce them up a little bit.
Okay.
Tonight?
No, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 (42:24):
Uh, it says positive response to shared leisure
conversations.
Okay.
This basically says shared talkabout hobbies, sports, our
leisure is an important bondingmechanism for many men and
support overall marital uhsatisfaction.
Now, I can say that we have alot of hobbies that are similar.

SPEAKER_01 (42:41):
Yeah, we do that kind of overlap, but we still
have our own individualexperience of them.

SPEAKER_02 (42:46):
Lord knows she's not a football fan, but she still
says, Go birds.
Go birds.

SPEAKER_01 (42:50):
See somebody out with a jersey.
Go birds.

SPEAKER_00 (42:53):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (42:53):
And then what did I say the yesterday when we were
looking at um t-shirts?
She was and I saw a t-shirt withlike a bunch of stars on it.
And I was like, What's that?
And I said, It doesn't matter,it resembles a star of a cowboy.
And I almost cried.
And he was like, You'relearning.
I almost cried.

SPEAKER_02 (43:07):
I said, This is it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 (43:09):
I was like, You're conditioning people.

SPEAKER_02 (43:11):
Almost, almost when I said, I would I would have
bought her a car in that moment.
She would have asked.

SPEAKER_01 (43:16):
I was like, no, I can't wear this shirt because
there's too many stars on it,and it reminds me of a cowboy.
That's right.
Can't do it, babe.

SPEAKER_00 (43:22):
Cowgirls.

SPEAKER_01 (43:22):
Cowgirls, can't do it.
Cow slut.
Okay.
We we calm down.
Relax.
Relax, buddy.

SPEAKER_02 (43:30):
Number one losers.

SPEAKER_01 (43:31):
Relax.

SPEAKER_02 (43:32):
Um so I I think that that is important.
And I and I and I think in anyrelationship, in any, you have
to have um, I feel like you haveto have hobbies and leisure
things that are shared and notshared.

SPEAKER_01 (43:45):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (43:45):
You know, yeah, that's why so you have ways to
connect.

SPEAKER_01 (43:48):
So you have and you have things to talk about.
Yeah.
Because going back to the wholeclip, like going back to the
whole clip, it's so easy to justget caught up in our day-to-day,
like the mundane parts of life,about the things we have to take
care of, all of theresponsibilities.
And at the end of the day,you're still an individual.
Like on.
You know what I mean?
Like, you I think about it thisway.

(44:10):
Before I was a wife, before Iwas a mom, before any of that, I
was just, I was just Kynesha.
Like, I was Kinesha trying tofigure out, I'm still trying to
figure out life.
Um I'm gonna have to use it.
But I was just Kinesha trying toget through college and learn
about myself and explore thingsthat I like and try new things.
And it's that aspect of myself,I don't want, I don't want to

(44:31):
lose.
I don't want to lose the aspectof trying to find out something
new about myself or tryingsomething new and then having
that to share with you, or cometo you and tell you about, like,
oh babe, I think, I think I'minterested in this.
I think I want to try this, youknow?
And then you also have somethingto come and tell me and be like,
I'm gonna do this, or I'mthinking about doing this.
And I can be happy for you inthat if I see it brings you joy.

(44:52):
Right.
You know, okay.
You're not gonna get on gear.
Cut it out.
Um, but I also like that becausein hopes that it brings us
closer and not bring not puts usapart like we're all like we're
on two individual paths.
So we're still on the same path.

SPEAKER_02 (45:09):
I love anything that brings us closer, you know?
Oh gosh.
Anything that brings us closer.
I'm I'm with it.

SPEAKER_01 (45:15):
Okay.
So anyway, um, tips on how tomake conversation uh count.
Okay, conversational time count.
Okay, schedule meaningfulcheck-ins, like we said, okay,
maybe like once a week orwhatever.
Just like a temperature check.
Daily at night.
Yeah, or even or even justasking your partner like how we

(45:35):
do here.
Like, how was your day?
How was your week?
You know, outside of what Ialready know your week consisted
of.

SPEAKER_02 (45:42):
When I come home, how was work?
How was work?
How was the gym?

SPEAKER_01 (45:44):
Yeah, and I don't and I I do my best to not just
accept it was all right.
Because she thought she wasgonna get away with that too.
When I pick her up from school,how was school?
Fine, okay.
I need you to elaborate.

SPEAKER_02 (45:55):
We need details.

SPEAKER_01 (45:56):
What did you what did you do at school today?

SPEAKER_02 (45:57):
She hated when I be like, Did you play foursquare?
No, I don't play foursquareanymore.
I said, Oh, my bad.

SPEAKER_01 (46:02):
Player.
Calm down.
She plays tetherball and shesays she's a tetherball queen.

SPEAKER_02 (46:08):
I doubt it.

SPEAKER_01 (46:08):
She said they play tetherball and they play squid
games.
Squid games is crazy.
I said, that's crazy workbecause I don't think you've
ever seen the show.
So it's wild that you play squidgames at school.

SPEAKER_02 (46:20):
They play red light, green light.

SPEAKER_01 (46:25):
Um uh okay, so another part is uh use the
two-part rule.

SPEAKER_00 (46:29):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (46:30):
Admin time plus emotional time.
Okay.
So it's kind of like we're gonnadiscuss the the usals, right?
Like, let's get all that out ofthe way.

SPEAKER_02 (46:38):
We'll get the business out the way.

SPEAKER_01 (46:39):
Right.
And then we can talk about likepleasure.
Yeah, what's on your mind?
Like, what you trying to do?

SPEAKER_02 (46:44):
You know, you know what's on my mind.
Who are you trying to do later?
Who is you?

SPEAKER_00 (46:48):
Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 (46:49):
What?
Um modes.
Okay, okay.
Empathy first, then solve.
Lord, if one partner is upset,practice, listen, validate, ask.

SPEAKER_02 (47:04):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (47:05):
I've heard that before in therapy.

SPEAKER_02 (47:06):
Have you?

SPEAKER_01 (47:07):
Yeah.
Um, you do all that beforeoffering a solution.
I know.
Because you want to make surethe person feels heard.

SPEAKER_02 (47:12):
Feels heard.
I do that.

SPEAKER_01 (47:14):
Yes.

SPEAKER_02 (47:14):
I do.
I make you feel heard.
It's rough because sometimesI'll be like, this ain't worth
hearing, but you are such anasshole.

SPEAKER_01 (47:22):
This ain't worth hearing.
That's how I feel on the daily.

SPEAKER_02 (47:25):
Oh, wow.
Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 (47:27):
Um practicing microvalidations daily.

SPEAKER_02 (47:33):
You're gonna have to validate me every day.
Twice a week is good.

SPEAKER_01 (47:37):
Simple acknowledgments.
Uh, that sounds hard.

SPEAKER_02 (47:41):
I'm proud of you, babe.
I thought you was proud of youyesterday.
Yeah, you did.
And your face lit up.

SPEAKER_01 (47:47):
I think no, I told you I was proud of you
yesterday.
I told you I was proud of you.
The day before yesterday,because I was talking about your
chest.

SPEAKER_02 (47:51):
I told you I was proud of you yesterday because
you have bench press.
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (47:54):
And then remember, I had told you when you had sent
me your first video when youfirst started doing pull-ups,
and I was like, I cried.
And I was like, I'm really,really proud of you, babe.
I was like, I'm extremely proudof you.
Bye.

SPEAKER_02 (48:06):
It says limit distractions during talk.
Put the phones away, turn yourscreens off, bring a small risk.
That's it.
You don't need no avoidinterruption.
And that includes the them damnkids.

SPEAKER_00 (48:16):
Oh, for sure.
Close the door.

SPEAKER_01 (48:19):
Close the door.
Like, we quick for being like,girl, do not don't come knock on
the door, don't come look underthe door, don't breathe next to
the door.
Daddy and I need to talk.
Daddy and I need a little bit ofmummy and daddy tag.

SPEAKER_02 (48:32):
Right.
Bang, bang.
Macaroni and cheese.
Stop it.

SPEAKER_00 (48:36):
Oh my gosh.
Why are you like this?
I don't even know.
Bang bang.
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (48:44):
Just do one more so we can get on to R2 stuff.

SPEAKER_02 (48:47):
It's an adopt.
I can't.
A repair ritual post-argument.
Have a short, consistentpractice, um, apology, physical
touch, and a plan for next timeto lower psychological stress
and prevent lingeringresentment.
Because resentment is big forwomen.
Basically, what they're sayingis develop something which you
can discuss and argue in a safeand positive way.

SPEAKER_01 (49:10):
I don't know about positive.
Maybe safe.

SPEAKER_02 (49:12):
Safe, less disrespectful way.

SPEAKER_00 (49:15):
All right, go ahead.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (49:17):
Because I mean, you put positive in there.
I don't know.
When we're arguing, I'm notfeeling positive.
You're not feeling positive?
At all.

SPEAKER_02 (49:23):
At all?
No.
Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 (49:25):
It's I'm not feeling positive at all.

SPEAKER_02 (49:28):
Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 (49:29):
You're like, in a positive, let's be real.
Ain't nobody feeling positivewhen we're going at each other's
dome.
Okay.
Wow.

SPEAKER_02 (49:37):
Going at each other's dome is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 (49:38):
Okay, I'm gonna be real.
This is transparent, okay?

SPEAKER_02 (49:41):
Crazy.

SPEAKER_01 (49:42):
Listen, ain't no cookie cutter cupcake relations
up in her.
Okay.
Arguments are arguments.
We gotta work through some shitand get it done.
Okay.
Okay, that was good, babe.
So we're gonna move on into thecomment of the week.
The comment of the week.

SPEAKER_02 (49:58):
Because you always trying to cut me off thinking
she's gonna be able to do it.
No, I don't.

SPEAKER_01 (50:00):
I was just gonna say the comment of the week.

SPEAKER_02 (50:02):
These good people out here, out here giving us
comments that are fire andhilarious and you know,
supportive.
You know, the first comment ofthe week comes from uh Simple
Stephanie.

SPEAKER_01 (50:20):
Simplest Stephanie?

SPEAKER_02 (50:21):
Yes.
No, Simple Stephanie.
Clear right there.
Oh and she said, in response towhat?
This is in no, this is inresponse to uh which video.

SPEAKER_01 (50:33):
It don't matter, it does matter.

SPEAKER_02 (50:36):
This is in response to the one where uh uh oh boy
robbed.
Robbed the guy.

SPEAKER_01 (50:41):
Oh, robbed the uh boyfriend of his wife.

SPEAKER_02 (50:44):
That's why I said it don't matter.
Okay, she says, I love you guys,uh, especially your husband.
See, I find this off because shesaid, especially your husband.
She talked about me.

SPEAKER_00 (50:53):
Okay.
Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 (50:54):
His degree of petty is PhD, and I'm here for it.
Now, Stephanie, we have room onthe petty board.
For one more for as many as foras many as we can fit.
The petty committee committeewelcomes all petty members.
Sometimes, but you have tounderstand that sometimes the
petty may be used against you.

(51:15):
But if you are in it for thepetty, we welcome you.
We welcome.
We appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01 (51:21):
Thank you, Stephanie, for your for your
comments.

SPEAKER_02 (51:24):
And you are welcome to join the petty committee.
The petty committee committee.
Okay.
Okay.
This one comes from the clipwhere he wanted to open a
relationship and fired.
And he found out he had no game.

SPEAKER_01 (51:37):
He found out that he had no market value.
Right.
He opened up his relationshipwith his girlfriend and found
out his girlfriend's marketvalue was extremely higher than
his, and he had zero.

SPEAKER_02 (51:47):
And this comes from uh Kimbow one.
Kimblow one.
She said, be careful what youwish for, because you might get
it.
He asked for an openrelationship, and look at him
now.
He's about to have norelationship.

SPEAKER_01 (52:02):
He's out.

SPEAKER_02 (52:03):
He's out.
Done.
He's out.
It's a deal.
It's it's out of here.

SPEAKER_01 (52:07):
I mean, you got what did you expect?

SPEAKER_02 (52:09):
And this one comes from the same post.
And I I can't.
She's posted, she said a lot offunny comments.
I can't get her name.
I'm gonna ask her one day.
Right here.
She said that that boy out theregambling with no money.

SPEAKER_01 (52:24):
Dallin O B?
I don't know.
Bye.
That boy out here gambling withno money.
No money is crazy because it'strue.
Because he got no gay.
He got nothing.
He couldn't get the girl that heopened the relationship up for.
And then he couldn't get no girlafter that.

SPEAKER_03 (52:39):
At all.

SPEAKER_01 (52:40):
And then had the nerves to be upset and try to
get down on his uh girlfriend tosay that he was just basically
keeping her as a placeholderuntil he worked something out
with the girl he really wantedwho didn't want him.

SPEAKER_02 (52:52):
He said I wanted you on the side.
That's crazy work.
I didn't want you out herehaving sides.

SPEAKER_01 (52:56):
That's that's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 (52:57):
Yeah.
He wanted you on the side.
He didn't want you out herehaving sides.
That's wild.
Crazy.

SPEAKER_01 (53:02):
All right, guys.
Let's head on into Aren't yousides?
Aren't you?
Okay, here we go.
Am I the jerk for leaving myboyfriend's mom's birthday party
or birthday dinner after shecalled me temporary?
My boyfriend, who's 29, and I, a27-year-old female, have been

(53:23):
together three years, livingtogether for two.
His mom has never really likedme.
She's been polite, but verycold.
At her birthday dinner, she wastalking about family vacations
and said, quote unquote,hopefully next time it's just
family, not temporary guests.
Everyone went silent.

(53:44):
My boyfriend froze.
I asked, temporary?
She smiled and said, Well, younever know with young love.
I was humiliated.
I quietly said, Excuse me, and Igot up and left.
My boyfriend stayed behind.
He texted me later saying that Iembarrassed him and that I

(54:06):
shouldn't have left.
I told him his mother humiliatedme in front of everyone, and he
did nothing.
He said that I'm making himchoose sides.
Am I the jerk for just walkingout?

SPEAKER_02 (54:20):
Hell no.
Fuck him and her.
First of all, he's not makingyou choose sides.

SPEAKER_01 (54:26):
She's not making you choose.

SPEAKER_02 (54:28):
What he's doing is showing just how weak he is to
her.

SPEAKER_01 (54:32):
To not say that's a good one.

SPEAKER_02 (54:33):
Because if that is the woman you want to be with,
you should protect her againstall enemies, foreign and
domestic.

SPEAKER_01 (54:41):
Bye, Demail.
I mean, he didn't, and it didn'thave to be something where it
would cause a big riff betweenhis mom.
He could have just like said,mom, you know, like let's be a
little bit uh respective.
But he also should have gottenhis butt up and followed her
out.
And by you not like you notsaying anything to your mom is

(55:01):
one thing.
We're dating, I'm not your wife.
I guess I can kind of get onboard, maybe not.
No, but you not you not gettingup to follow me to show that you
are not like in, you know, likewe're not a team.

SPEAKER_02 (55:15):
I disagree with you.

SPEAKER_01 (55:16):
No, I'm not saying, I'm not, listen, I've been
together.

SPEAKER_02 (55:19):
They've been together three years.
Three three years.

SPEAKER_01 (55:21):
And I do, and I agree.

SPEAKER_02 (55:22):
In three years, I do agree.
Listen to me, listen to me.
In three years, if he doesn'thave enough, strong enough
attachment to you in three yearsto defend you, you're right.
No matter what room you're in,he ain't for you.
Baby, I think.
He's wasting your time.
Baby, I agree.
I don't care, I don't care ifhis mama said it, I don't care
if his auntie, his sister.
I don't, I don't, I don't, Idon't care if the Pope himself

(55:45):
said it.

SPEAKER_00 (55:45):
By demand.

SPEAKER_02 (55:46):
It don't matter who said it, if this is the woman
you have chosen that you want tobe with, you have to defend her.
So if he can't defend you fromhis mama, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (55:54):
You're gonna be in a cold, you're gonna be in a cold
girl.

SPEAKER_02 (55:57):
Look here, man.
I keep I look here.

SPEAKER_01 (55:58):
Molly girl, you in danger.

SPEAKER_02 (56:00):
You in danger.
I I keep just some of thesedudes just for the streets.
He better be careful because uhsome guys find out that ain't
nobody out there want them.

SPEAKER_01 (56:09):
Shut up, babe.
They find out they market valuereal quick.

SPEAKER_02 (56:12):
No, she's not a jerk.
I wouldn't oh shh.

SPEAKER_01 (56:14):
Yeah, I don't think you're a jerk.

SPEAKER_02 (56:15):
He should have got his ass up and followed her out.

SPEAKER_01 (56:17):
Um, am I the jerk for not attending my brother's
wedding because he didn't invitemy wife?
Let's go.
That's cold work.
My brother and my wife do notget along.
They have never fought directly,but he always finds ways to make
jokes about her or exclude herfrom family plans.
When his wedding invite came, myname was on it, but hers was

(56:41):
not.
His wife.
I asked him why, and he said itwas because she makes everyone
uncomfortable.
I told him if my wife is notwelcome, then neither am I.
He said that I'm choosing herover family.
I told him, yes, because she ismy family now.
My parents are furious sayingthat I should just go alone to

(57:03):
keep the peace.
But how can I go celebrate lovewhen my own love of my life is
being disrespected?

SPEAKER_02 (57:10):
See?
Now he needs to talk to themotherfucker from the first one.
That's what I'm talking about.
Like I tell people, we are apackage deal.
We are a T s.
If I can't be there What are wemean?
A T set.
A T set.
Because if I know, she know.
If she knows I know.
But it's safe here.

(57:31):
We don't spill.
Um if I cannot take the womanwho I've married with me, I'm
not going.
I'm not going.
That's crazy work.
And disrespecting my wife isdisrespecting me.
But disrespecting your wife.
But it's crazy, it's hisbrother.
Hold on.
When you, I don't give a damn.

SPEAKER_01 (57:49):
No, that's what I'm saying.
It's his brother.

SPEAKER_02 (57:51):
If you disrespect my wife, you disrespect me, and I
take that very personal.

SPEAKER_00 (57:55):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (57:56):
So this is this is, I feel like my mindset on this
is the mindset that all men whoare married or who are in
seriously committedrelationships should have.
If you're not, why are youwasting your time being with
some you're not being withsomeone you're not willing to
ride for?
Right.
So you're not a jerk.
I wouldn't go to the wedding.
I would tell mama and daddy theycan suck my.

(58:17):
I would tell my brother he couldsuck and they can kiss my ass.
I ain't gotta go to no morefamily events.

SPEAKER_01 (58:22):
I am Me and my family are over here.

SPEAKER_02 (58:25):
You are the family that I was forced upon.
Yeah.
I'm over here with my wife, withthe channel family I have
chosen, and I'm gonna create.
And I will always choose what Ihave chosen over what I was
forced in.
Yeah.
Blood don't make you family.

SPEAKER_01 (58:38):
Yeah.
I just think it's crazy that hewould tell his brother you're
choosing her over family.
Crazy work.
And you're about to get married.

SPEAKER_02 (58:45):
Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 (58:46):
You're about to so I I my response would have been
like, bruh, if that's how youfeel, I don't think you should
get married.
If you think that you shouldstill be choosing our family
over the woman you you justasked to be a part of your
family.

SPEAKER_02 (58:57):
You know all these damn mama boys.
I don't know.
I can't say that because I was amama's boy.
Yes.
I love my mama.
But I but I still chose you.

SPEAKER_01 (59:04):
Yeah, but you you did.
You did.
And I always and you stood upfor me, even before marriage.

SPEAKER_02 (59:09):
Oh, because okay.
You know what you did.
Bye.

SPEAKER_01 (59:14):
One more.
Bye.
You know what you did.
Bye.
I'm not doing this with you.
I'm not doing this with you atall.
I'm gonna read one more.
My boyfriend, quote unquote,tested me by having his friend
flirt with me, and I failed.

SPEAKER_02 (59:35):
Oh my god.
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (59:36):
I'm a 25-year-old female and have been with my
boyfriend who's 28 for almosttwo years.
Things were good, or at least Ithought so.
Last week, one of his friends,who I barely know, started DMing
me on Instagram.
At first, it was innocent.
He said he saw me at a concertand complimented my outfit.

(59:57):
I was polite but short.
After a few messages, he gotflirty.
I didn't flirt back, but Iwasn't rude either.
Just ha ha ha ha, thanks, typeresponses.
Then suddenly, my boyfriendconfronted me, saying I failed
his loyalty test.
Apparently, he asked his friendto hit me up to see what I would

(01:00:19):
do.
He said that I should haveblocked the guy immediately and
not entertained him at all.
I told him that I didn't evenknow it was a test and that
setting someone up like that ismanipulative.
Now he says if I really lovedhim, I wouldn't be so defensive.

SPEAKER_02 (01:00:40):
Look here.

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:41):
Thoughts?
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (01:00:45):
This is what I'm gonna say.
And the guys ain't gonna likethis.
But I don't give a damn.
He's a weak bitch.
How insecure do you have to bewhere you feel like you have to
test to see if this woman is foryou or not?
And he's 28 or is she 28?
He's 28.
He's 28.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:03):
He's almost 30 years old.
We should not be playing games.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
And on top of that, she neverflirted back.
She didn't.
She just said thanks.
And his response is, you shouldhave blocked him immediately.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:17):
Look here.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:18):
So by that, by that scenario, if I'm if I'm on the
street, if I'm in Walmart, and aguy tells me, hello, good
morning, am I to just turnaround without a response and
just walk away?
No.
That's blocking him.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:32):
No, let me tell you something.
In that scenario, you say uhgood morning and keep walking
because you know how men havesome men can't handle rejection.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:39):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:39):
So it's not.
But that's essentially what shedid.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:41):
She said thank you and she kept it pushing.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:43):
Digitally.
But so if I'm not with you, yousay good morning.
If I'm with you, I'll tell themto fuck off.
Anyway, uh it's all this ischildish.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:53):
Yes, very childish.
The whole setup, the wholesetup, the part that it's his
setup.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:57):
I I I honestly feel like he did you a favor.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:00):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:00):
Because you're 25.
You still have time.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:02):
Yep.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:03):
Let him let him go find somebody with low
self-esteem that that had thathangs on to his every word.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:08):
Let him go find somebody who has time to play
games.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:10):
Because he seemed like he wants somebody that
completely relies on him andthinks that his word is
scripture.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:15):
Well, not only that, yes, it's manipulative.
And it I I for me, I feel likethat's heading towards them,
them like abusive bushes.

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:22):
Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:23):
Because it's like now you're now you're starting
something that didn't even needto be started because your
response is you should haveblocked him.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:32):
Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:33):
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, oh, you should haveblocked him.
You shouldn't have even youshouldn't have entertained him.
And then now you want togaslight me talking about why
you're getting so defensive.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:42):
Crazy work.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:43):
Because you know that's how that conversation
went.
He was like, oh, oh, why are yougetting defensive?
If it was nothing, if you didn'tdo anything, why are you getting
defensive?
And I'm out.
Crazy work.
You can't, you can't be, you,you can't, you can't do that.
No, I'm not getting defensive.
I'm literally telling you myperspective.
Me telling you my perspectiveand what and she, um it was a
DM, so I'm sure she showed him.

(01:03:04):
And like she said, all I saidwas, ha ha ha, thanks.

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:07):
The first guy and the last guy needed talk to the
second guy.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:11):
No, you mean the second guy.

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:13):
No, no, they the first guy and the last guy
needed to talk to the secondguy.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:17):
That's why I mean.

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:17):
So they could realize that they being dumb.

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:20):
I don't think it's gonna make them realize
anything, but all right.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:26):
All right, guys.
This has been another episode ofthe Life After I Do podcast.
If you are not doing so already,join the Booski fam and follow
us on all of our social mediaplatforms at Life After I Do
Podcast.
That's on Instagram, TikTok,Facebook, YouTube.
Don't forget you can alwayswrite into the podcast at
LifeAfter I Do Podcast atgmail.com.

(01:03:48):
We would love to hear yourstories.
We enjoy when you guys send usin your stories to read for our
two cents.
It literally is our favoritething to do.
Um, so don't forget to like,follow, share, do all of the
things.
We appreciate all the newbooskies to the family.
You guys are amazing, amazing.

(01:04:09):
So keep it going, guys.
And until next time, you get anew episode every Wednesday.
So we will see you back here.
Peace booskies.
Peace booskies.