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What happens when you wake up and realize… you don’t recognize yourself anymore? Whether it’s the fog of new parenthood, the demands of marriage, or simply life’s relentless routine, that haunting “I miss me” feeling can hit hard—and it’s more common than you think.

This week on Life After I Do, we have an honest, emotional conversation about what it means to lose—and reclaim—your identity in a long-term relationship. From 8 weeks of sleepless nights to the realization that you haven’t done something just for you in months, we unpack how easy it is to fade into the background of your own life.

💬 What We Talk About:
• The “I miss me” moment and how to navigate it
• Why maintaining your individuality strengthens your relationship—not threatens it
• The power of separate hobbies, goals, gym time, and creative outlets
• The difference between building a life with someone vs. becoming someone else to fit that life
• How financial and emotional independence fosters deeper connection
• Why choosing your partner daily matters more than merging into one identity

💡 Key Takeaway:
Modern love isn’t about sacrificing who you are—it’s about growing into your full self with someone, not for someone. The healthiest relationships create space for two whole individuals to thrive—together.

🎧 If you’ve ever felt lost in love, parenthood, or the everyday hustle, this episode is your permission to pause, reflect, and reconnect—with yourself and your partner.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
But I remember just overwhelmingly feeling like I
miss me, like I it was alegitimate feeling that who I
was was so far gone and she wasonly like eight weeks old or
something.
But I just remember feelinglike damn, like what, what was,
what was it like before, beforethis?

(00:22):
You know what I mean and Iremember posting that by.
I remember posting that and allmy friends, like coworkers,
friends, everybody was like weknow exactly how you feel.
Hey, everybody, and welcomeback to another episode of Life

(00:54):
After I Do.
You know the drill With Nisha Gand Malita PYT Pretty young
thing TLC To the loving gas.

(01:15):
Hey, booskies.
Hey, my ear itch Ooh.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
What that mean.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
Somebody talking about me?
Somebody talking about you,somebody talking crap out there
in the world.
Stop talking crap, you craptalkers.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
If you were trying to threaten him, that ain't going
to cut it.
I'll tell you right now thatdidn't do it.
Yeah, that didn't do it at all.
Why.

Speaker 1 (01:36):
Because that wasn't intimidating enough?

Speaker 2 (01:38):
Not at all.

Speaker 1 (01:41):
Just make sure they address me as big bro.

Speaker 2 (01:43):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:46):
Just make sure they address me as big bro.
Okay, just make sure theyaddress me as big bro.

Speaker 2 (01:49):
So now you want to be a man.

Speaker 1 (01:51):
Just address me as big bro, okay All right, big bro
, Bring them groceries in.
No I can't do that.
No big bro, I can't.
No, big bro, I can't do that.
I told you Gym strength doesnot translate to everyday at
home strength.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
How you doing.
I can't carry laundry.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
I can't carry groceries how you doing.
I'm good, I just ate somechicken, so hopefully that will
give you a little bit of energy,just like Address me as big bro
, please.
Thank you All right, big bro.
Thank you All right, big bro.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
Thank you all right, big bro.
Thank you all right, big bro.
Thank you.
You want to be a man so bad?
No, I don't you wouldn't haveno problems yeah, I would okay,
all right, big bro thank you.

Speaker 1 (02:35):
How was your week, big bro?
I was teasing shut up.
I don't like that.
No, I don't like that asking.
You shall receive okay, um, itwas good, my weekend was good.
What did I do this weekend?
Well, how's your week?
Not just, oh, my week, okay,yeah sorry, come on, big bro.
Um, my week was good.
Lock in.
I don't like you.

(02:59):
My week was good.
What was good about it?
I parented.
Okay, how are you.
Yeah, I did, Because my daughteris like getting older, she's
getting into that eight rangeand the little personality is
like you know, she hit you withthe oh girl.
No, she hit me with a lot ofdifferent things and I'm like

(03:22):
girl I need you to roll it back.
Baby girl, baby girl, baby girl.
Roll it back just a little bit.
Where is my toothlessfour-year-old?

Speaker 2 (03:29):
Gone.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
Because I'm going to need her to spend the block one
more time you have a sassyback-talking almost
eight-year-old.
Oh, my goodness, it's the butwhy?
And then that doesn't makesense.
Excuse me.
You're seven it, but why?
And then that doesn't makesense.
Excuse me, hold on, it makessense.
If I tell you it makes sense,hold on, big bro, so you can
dish it, but you can't take it,because those are all things you

(03:52):
say.
That's different.

Speaker 2 (03:53):
But why?
Why, maurice?
But why?
That doesn't make sense, that'sdifferent.

Speaker 1 (03:59):
Oh, so when you say it, it it's a problem when she
does it.

Speaker 2 (04:02):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (04:03):
Exactly Now that we've got that out of the way.

Speaker 2 (04:07):
You know what her response to that would be?
Once upon a time, all of ushave been changed.

Speaker 1 (04:10):
No, just like okay, wait a minute.
So you know, like when she getsin trouble and she gets a
consequence or she getsdisciplined or whatever.
So like this morning, when you,for whatever reason, I don't
know why, it crossed your mindto rest your foot on the table
today, and she looks at me andshe was like, is dad gonna get a
consequence?

Speaker 2 (04:29):
yes, yeah, the consequence is I'm gonna put my
foot down because I was like andI was like no, he's not gonna
get a consequence.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
And she was like, well, he should get a
consequence because he didsomething he wasn't supposed to
first of all literally that'swhat she told me.
She was like he should get aconsequence because he did
something that he wasn'tsupposed to first of all she was
trying to give me back what wegave her last night because we
were like telling her like oh,you made a poor decision, so
your poor decision has aconsequence, and you did
something where you knew thatyou weren't supposed to do Like.
You knew you weren't supposedto do it and so when he did it

(04:54):
she was like he should get aconsequence because he basically
knew that he wasn't supposed toput a spit on the table.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
First of all, big bro , daddy, don't get consequences,
because daddy sets, sets uhthat's not the type I am.
That's not the type ofparenting.

Speaker 1 (05:14):
I think you want to set your rounds on because look
here around here.

Speaker 2 (05:20):
My role is big, big bro, as the provider, and I make
sure.

Speaker 1 (05:30):
I make sure everything is running here I get
grace.
You don't have to follow rulesthat you enforce, no, I get
grace, I get grace.

Speaker 2 (05:37):
It was what my knee was hurting.
I had to stretch it out.

Speaker 1 (05:40):
I play basketball On the kitchen table where we put
our food.
Okay, correction, which is true.
I put my foot on the kitchentable when we put our food.
Okay, I Correction.

Speaker 2 (05:45):
It's crazy, which is true.
I put my foot On the kitchentable Like.

Speaker 1 (05:50):
Hold on.
Her and I both were in aweCause we were like, let me
finish.

Speaker 2 (05:54):
Let me finish.
Yes, I did put my foot On thekitchen table, but I put it on
top Of her project, so it wasn'tlike Touching the table.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
Okay, it's the table, okay it's your foot on the
table.
I don't think whether it was ontop of a mat or it doesn't
matter.
It was the kitchen table wheremy foot is.
First of all, we don't eat here.

Speaker 2 (06:11):
First of all, we do eat at the kitchen table like
yes, we do once a month allright if you're talking about
like us eating together.

Speaker 1 (06:16):
We don't always eat together, but we definitely eat
at the kitchen table are youdone?
No, I'm not done are you done?
So we don't.
We don't eat at the kitchentable yeah, but we do no, I'm
asking yeah, we do nobody eatsat the kitchen table.
She does because she has tookay, and you eat at the kitchen
table but you eat at thekitchen table in the morning

(06:37):
when you have breakfast butwhere I put my foot, nobody eats
there okay, now see that shitthat you do.
That's annoying.
Okay, that's annoying.

Speaker 2 (06:48):
See, we started off fire.
She was tired.
Don't touch me.
She was tired, don't touch me.
I'm giving her life, don'ttouch me.
What about the rest of yourweek, wooskies?
I'm sorry, the rest of yourweek, B-Bro.

Speaker 1 (07:01):
Yeah, you know, just parenting hard, gymming hard um,
yeah, you know, just parentinghard, gymming hard um wifing
hard.
You're a womaning hard thisweek too, just yeah womaning
hard.
It was just like all the thingsyou know.
Dealing with that and having todo all of those things when
you're not in the best mentalstate, like really trying to
push through when your, yourmental and your energy level is

(07:22):
operating at a consistent 4.75,is really tough that's wild it's
wild.
I mean you wouldn't knowanything about that because, as
you stated when you were gettingready for the for work, you
know it's nice being a man whereI'm constantly riding a
straight line hormonally, yeah,mentally I'm not.

Speaker 2 (07:42):
Oh okay, I'm all over the place Okay.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
But yeah so mentally and hormonally, I was bouncing
between a 4.75 and a 5.2.
Yeah, okay, but All right.
But because I'm big bro, bigbro, I made it do what it do.
Talk your shit and I stillpulled out a W for the week.
Okay, pulled out a W for theweek.
Okay, talk your shit, big bro.
Still pulled out a W for theweek Talk your shit big bro,

(08:04):
Because that's what I do.
That's what big bro do huh.
That's what big bro do, okay,okay, ain't got time to complain
about it, ain't got time towhine about it.
Nobody's going to listen anyway.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
No one's going to care anyway, okay, first of you
dig okay, I'm tired, I'm over myrant, sorry people.

(08:35):
People care about her and theylisten to her and they care who
most notably of her is herdaughter, because her daughter's
like mom.
What's wrong?

Speaker 1 (08:40):
she asked me that when you went on the walk
because I was laying in bed andI was like, well, I guess I'm
not gonna be able to get thatnap before we record.
And then she came to the doorand she was like.
She was like Mom, are you OK?
And I said no.
And she was like are you sad?
I said a little bit and she waslike are you embarrassed?
I said no.
She was like are you angry?

(09:05):
I said no, she was going downthe emotions and she was like do
you need huggies and kissies?
And I was like yes, I do.
And she was like okay, and soshe came and she hugged me and
so, like one of the things I didwith her last week, when she
said she was sad, I gave her ahug and I was like I was shaking
her like this and I was like,just give me all of those
negative feelings.
I was like mommy's just gonnaabsorb them all and then I'll
get rid of them.
And so when she came and gaveme a hug, she was shaking me.
She was like just give them allto fifi, just give me all that

(09:25):
sadness, I'll get rid of it foryou, just give it to me, you're
so cute.
Meanwhile, y'all were like dad,take the sadness you're supposed
to dispose of it, you're notsupposed to like, you're not
supposed to absorb it and keepit you're supposed to like take
it, and then you're supposed tobe like, okay, let me go get rid
of it with your dad.

Speaker 2 (09:45):
Okay with your boo carry it with you yeah no, but
that was cute.

Speaker 1 (09:49):
And then, like I also think that was just her way of
like getting back into my room,because I had kicked her out
like three times so I think thatwas her way of getting back
something was done on me.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
I just kind of made me upset okay my week was cool,
no what what did you?

Speaker 1 (10:01):
I want to hear it.

Speaker 2 (10:03):
I'll talk about it.
Okay, my week was cool, youknow a lot of positives.
I'm trying to be positive.
Gym is going great.
Work was fairly smooth thisweek.
I didn't hear any complaining,so Because you were asleep when
I got home.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
Which it has been happening all week.
Well, that's fine, because youget home late now been happening
all week.

Speaker 2 (10:25):
Well, that's fine, because you get home late now.
Well, that's how I set it up.
Yeah, um, you know, so nothingreally negative.
I played basketball today forthe first time in a long time
your ankles.
Shout out to my boyfriend myankle ain't the problem.
Oh okay, this knee has no, uh,lateral movement capabilities.
Your knee can't do it.
My left knee say go right.
My right knee say where?

Speaker 1 (10:46):
Oh, that's not.
I wouldn't be playing thosekind of games.
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (10:50):
I wouldn't be playing those kind of games, so I
really couldn't, I couldn't move, like.

Speaker 1 (10:53):
I want to.
You couldn't shuck and jivelike you used to.
I couldn't do it.

Speaker 2 (10:59):
I couldn't do it.
You wasn't shoes.
That's what.
That's what happened you werejuking yourself right out my
shoes, shout out, shout out tomy boy mcfly, he, you know, mr,
mr, mr, clutch shot.
Look at what.
Once that, once that man getgoing, you can't stop like his
shot.
You can't stop his shot whenhe's going.
I probably could take him, okay.
First of all, he's like two feettaller than you, okay it was

(11:21):
hey, you know, I have to talkcrap it will take all your
energy just just just to liftyour hand I wouldn't try to
block his shots oh, that's.
And he blocked my damn shots.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
I wouldn't why would I try to block his shots?
He's like 10 feet taller thanme.
That would be.

Speaker 2 (11:36):
That would be futile and it was, we walked, we were
walking out when the guy and uh,we're working out and he and uh
, if I was like what do youthink he is about 7'2".
I looked over I said God, no,that nigga is like 10 feet tall.

Speaker 1 (11:50):
He wasn't 10 feet.

Speaker 2 (11:51):
Maurice, you're so silly, I've never seen anybody
this tall in person.
Like he looked like he shouldbe starting center for the Los
Angeles.
I was like, oh my God, that'show tall he was.
I said, sir starting center forthe los angeles.
Like, oh my gosh, that's howtall he was.
I said, sir, like you know how?
Like, okay, put it this way, hewas sitting on the, the flat

(12:13):
bench for like for for benchpress right.
Okay, his knees were at 145degree angles.
That's how tall.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
That's how tall he was okay, he was height goals no
, I don't want to be that tallbecause he dug to get in every
door I mean okay that's not badbut, no, it would be bad,
because sometimes, like whenyou're really tall, their feet
hang off of the bed, even whentheir head's all the way at the
top he definitely wore a size 27shoe minimum that's crazy work.
Like when I see shoes that arethat big, I'm like there's no

(12:43):
way anybody's foot can fit inhere.
That's crazy work.
Like when I see shoes that arethat big, I'm like there's no
way anybody's foot can fit inhere.
That's crazy.
Like those shoes are like thisbig, I'm fine.

Speaker 2 (12:50):
That's crazy work I'm gonna put it this way I'm 5'10.
I felt like his legs were 5'10,by marie you're so silly, just
his legs.
Like his legs were five to eachyes, I felt like if I stood
next to him.
I look like that picture ofKevin Hartsham next to Shaq,
that was funny.
That's how tall he is.
That was funny.

(13:10):
My ear itch, but yeah, it was agood week, you know?
Um, yeah, just growth.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
What was some of your successes this week?
What was the A highlight?
What the hell Did you have topause it?

Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah, I had to think about it.

Speaker 1 (13:24):
Well, a highlight.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
I didn't spaz out.
I had a couple of times where Iwanted to spaz out, and I
didn't mainly at work.
You know, Pastor Mike, he gaveme through some stuff.

Speaker 1 (13:35):
That's good he's our Pastor, mike.

Speaker 2 (13:36):
He don't even know I talk about him, he don't know
who I am, but he been helping me, me.
But that's what he wanted hisministry to do, so he's doing
what he's supposed to do.

Speaker 1 (13:46):
What was the low light of?

Speaker 2 (13:47):
your week.
The highlight of my week waswhen I realized that I had
already hit the number.
I need the gross.
So I went out to work oh mygosh Friday.

Speaker 1 (14:01):
That's the highlight.
And then, what was the lowlight?

Speaker 2 (14:03):
The low light was Sunday morning when I left you
and said I won't see her againUntil Thursday.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
Bye, demille.
You saw me After that Inpassing.
In passing, yes, hey boo, hey,how you doing Good, that's it.
That's it, cause.
That's it.
What was your highlight?
My highlight, um.
Maurice.
What Are you?
That's it.
What was your highlight?
My highlight, um marise?
What are you done?
I can't, I don't like you areyou done?

(14:30):
because your highlight shouldalways be me, no matter what,
okay, and your my highlight myhighlight was when your child
support made me hit was yeah,basically when my child support
payment hit and I had some moremoney y'all wild for that trend,

(14:54):
i'ma tell my mom of that, I'llbe like, oh, my child support
just hit.
She gonna be like what?
y'all really wild for that,though, like y'all really wild
for that if there's this trendgoing around and it's like like
the stay-at-home moms or they'relike in store and they're
shopping and they're like, oh, Ijust my child support just hit
and the husbands are like, youmean my paycheck?

(15:15):
It's like time for that re-up.

Speaker 2 (15:20):
Because you took full advantage of this week.
I did not I only needed a fewthings.
You went out to eat three timeson Thursday.

Speaker 1 (15:29):
Listen you know, if somebody would have told me when
I was a child, or even ateenager, that once I decided to
have a family, that I wouldspend 80% of my time cooking or
trying to figure out what tocook for other people, I
probably would have opted out,okay, what cook for other people
?
I probably would have opted outOkay, I probably would have
opted out.

Speaker 2 (15:49):
What we got today.

Speaker 1 (15:51):
No, I wasn't done.
I didn't even say what thehighlight of my week was.
The highlight of my week washitting a new gym PR.
That was the highlight of myweek, wow.

Speaker 2 (16:02):
I just thought about something again.
What?
First of all, I didn't say thefirst thing, but you talk about
ma'am.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
I've been cooking what you've been both cooking.
I've been, yeah, I've been bothcooking all the okay, yeah, but
that's all the protein that'sstuff that you and I eat, babe,
she don't like eating prep everyday and that that's your
problem.
You keep forgetting that she'sseven.
We can't expect her to eat prepevery day like we do.

Speaker 2 (16:30):
She needs protein we don't mind eating prep.

Speaker 1 (16:32):
She minds eating prep .

Speaker 2 (16:34):
She needs her protein .

Speaker 1 (16:36):
I can only feed her chicken, rice and vegetables for
so long before she's like okay,we mix it up, I've had enough.
We throw some steak in there,some shrimp.
I was mixing it up.
I was like I'm gonna make herher favorite, I'm gonna make
chicken salad.
And then she was like and thenwhat'd she say?
What did she say the other day?
What'd she say?

Speaker 2 (16:54):
She said, it's when we eat.
My stomach hurt.
I ate too much already.

Speaker 1 (17:05):
She said when starts to make my stomach hurt.
And then she followed that upwith I'm not saying your
cooking's not good, that's whatshe told me.
I'm not saying your cooking'snot good, I'm just saying that I
can't eat the same thing toomany days, Cause if I eat the
same thing too many days, mom,then it makes my stomach hurt.
And I was like okay, Cause whenyou think about it, you know
it's kind of like how you werewith spaghetti before.
You made me stop makingspaghetti because you said you

(17:26):
didn't like eating it for dinner, Then I would pack it for your
lunch and then it was leftoversand you have to come home and
eat it again.
And what did you say?

Speaker 2 (17:34):
I got tired of eating spaghetti.
You got tired of eatingspaghetti For five meals in a
row Because I don't likespaghetti.

Speaker 1 (17:38):
You got tired of eating it, so that's how your
daughter feels, what we gottired of, okay it.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
so that's how your daughter feels okay, it feels
the same way.

Speaker 1 (17:48):
Um no, you asked me a question and then you just
answered it.
Okay, no, I answered it, andthen you cut it off with
something else.
Oh, I forgot you, you don't.
You don't want me to be great,anyway, it's cool it's cool.

Speaker 2 (18:00):
Okay, the highlight of her week.
It's cool was her gym pr shehit 305 on squats this week,
guys, I did not hit.

Speaker 1 (18:06):
Well, that was.
It was that one, but that's notthe one I was talking about,
which one was, but yes, I didhit 305 on my squat.
It could be a little cleaner,um, but I was talking about my
deadlift, which also could be alittle cleaner.

Speaker 2 (18:19):
But yes, I hit 335 on my deadlift and 305 on my squat
and I hit 150 on my deadliftthis week.

Speaker 1 (18:28):
You didn't deadlift this week I did 150.
You did not deadlift.

Speaker 2 (18:31):
Well, you wasn't there, I tried to Maurice.

Speaker 1 (18:33):
why are you fibbing?

Speaker 2 (18:35):
It's less than you.
What's the matter?
I can't tell you where I'm at,where my PRs are.

Speaker 1 (18:40):
Because you don't deadlift.

Speaker 2 (18:42):
I can't tell you.
Okay, babe, what are you?

Speaker 1 (18:44):
deadlifting.
Are you talking about yourstick-legged deadlift?

Speaker 2 (18:46):
No, my deadlift is 150.
I'm not as strong as you.
That's why you're a big bro.

Speaker 1 (18:53):
You just be sunny, you should talk to your
therapist about you doing this.
You really should oh that's allright.

Speaker 2 (19:00):
I'll talk to old Dr Will on Friday.

Speaker 1 (19:01):
You should.
I'm going to let her know that,nah, I'm going to be like this
thing that he does like thisfake support thing and then
covers it up Fake support andthen he covers it up with like a
joke oh, God.
I forget what that's called,what the mental terminology for
that is.
I am your biggest supporter.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
I'll be hyping you up .
Go, best friend.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
Ay, that's my best friend, ay.

Speaker 2 (19:24):
What we got best friend.

Speaker 1 (19:26):
Okay, best friend.
So If you press it, I'm gonnasock you.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
Y'all see how she treat me.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
I'm gonna sock you.

Speaker 2 (19:34):
Y'all see how she treat me.

Speaker 1 (19:39):
You drive me to eat yogurt, do I?
Yes, do it.
Do it and I'm gonna pinch you,press it, and I'm gonna pinch,
pinch, you, press it and I'mgoing to pinch you.
What was I going to say?
I'm not going to say anything,because if you do it, if you-
press that button.

Speaker 2 (19:50):
I'm going to pinch you.
I'm not going to press it then?

Speaker 1 (19:53):
No, I just wanted to talk about, you know,
independency in marriage.
Is that a word?
It is for me today,independence, independency,
today, independence,independence.
So independence in marriage.

Speaker 2 (20:08):
I feel like it's kind of like a You're going to start
practicing Because I feel likethis could take us to another
level.
This is something you don'tknow.

Speaker 1 (20:19):
Reese, you wouldn't know what to do with your life
if I didn't give it purpose.
Okay, we're not going to actlike, okay, I give your life
purpose.
Okay, if you didn't feel like Ineeded you in any way, it
wouldn't be good for your mental, so you can stop.

(20:41):
You can stop, okay, because youdon't want me around here
acting like I don't need no man.
Okay, all right, you see howfast I shut it down.
You can't even take it.
You can't even take it.

Speaker 2 (20:54):
Pause, pause, pause, whoa, pause, pause, wait, wait a
minute, what.
Wait a minute, what?
Okay, so, paul, wait a minute.
What?
Wait a minute, what?
So okay.
So we're talking aboutindependence in marriage.

Speaker 1 (21:08):
Modern independence in marriage.

Speaker 2 (21:10):
Okay, okay, I don't know what this means.

Speaker 1 (21:12):
Just like modern independence in today's
relationships, like I feel, likethere is.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
You're going to have to help me out with this,
because I'm surrounded bydependence.

Speaker 1 (21:23):
Okay, really, really Okay, really, really Okay.
See, the thing is, as a womanwho knows the type of power she
holds in her relationship, I tryto be very, very cautious of

(21:43):
how I utilize such power,because I know, and I think my
husband knows, that at any givenmoment I can break him down to
size.
Okay, is that?

Speaker 2 (21:57):
a threat.

Speaker 1 (21:58):
At any given moment I can break him down to size.

Speaker 2 (22:00):
Is that a?

Speaker 1 (22:00):
threat.
It's not a threat.
Okay, are you trying to promise?

Speaker 2 (22:05):
What are you trying to say?
Okay, good, look here, don'tlet this big bro shit go to your
head.
Okay, okay, because we can't.
We ain't even got into theepisode and big bro got your ego
.
Listen, listen, sitting high.

Speaker 1 (22:19):
Listen.

Speaker 2 (22:20):
Yes, big bro.

Speaker 1 (22:26):
You know how, if, if I, if, whenever I feel like
threatened or like you comingfor me, I always have to shut it
down.
I try to come.
No idea why you gotta go there,sorry, let's talk, okay.
Oh my gosh, is that all youthink about?

Speaker 2 (22:35):
when you, when I look at you, yes, yes, it's only,
it's one or the other, it's thator anger.
It's nothing in between.
There's nothing in between.
There's nothing in between.
I don't think that's good,either you might want to talk to
your therapist about that.
Doctor, she ain't ready forthat.

Speaker 1 (22:53):
So you lied because you said every time you look at
me, you look at me with suchlike admiration and love and
passion and you're like I'm sograteful to have her in my life.
That's not what you just saidthat you either look at me like
you want to smash, or smash meinto a wall.

Speaker 2 (23:10):
It's so much admiration and then my brain
swells up, and then that bloodrushes down to my other head and
then the focus transitions.
So, yeah, modern independenceand marriage.
Oh my gosh, help us out.
I can't so tell people whatthis is.

Speaker 1 (23:28):
I think it's something that's also is, it's
not something that well, I don'twant to say like mindful or
whatever, but essentially justlike pursuing your own
individual hobbies, your ownindividual growth.

Speaker 2 (23:42):
Being your own self.

Speaker 1 (23:43):
Like basically being your own self, not trying to be
so enveloped in one another, butstill having a separate and
independent identity within arelationship.

Speaker 2 (23:54):
I think that's crucial in general, just for the
relationship to last, because,if Lord knows, if you were my
only identity, we'd have sometrouble around here.

Speaker 1 (24:05):
Because the second you leave I'm like where are you
going?
That's why I told you to go totherapy.

Speaker 2 (24:09):
Because that was.
I'm teasing you People.

Speaker 1 (24:12):
I try to get serious, I'm teasing you.

Speaker 2 (24:14):
She wants the petty version of her husband.
So bad.

Speaker 1 (24:17):
Because it's fun, okay.
But yeah, I think that's wherethe biggest differences are in
relationships from yesteryear.

Speaker 2 (24:28):
You think that people are prioritizing those things
over relationships?

Speaker 1 (24:34):
Well, their independence, absolutely, oh,
absolutely.
Perspective, that is definitelya thing like valuing and
prioritizing self, self-growth,freedom, finances, education, uh
, children, absolutely,absolutely.

(24:56):
What do you think about?
What?
About independence and growth?

Speaker 2 (25:02):
I think it's necessary, so you ain't gotta be
the only one doing shit.

Speaker 1 (25:07):
What do you mean?
From what?
From what perspective?

Speaker 2 (25:10):
Because, I'm surrounded by dependents.

Speaker 1 (25:12):
Because I.

Speaker 2 (25:13):
I'm surrounded by dependents.
You depend on me, the dogdepends on me, but but what?
In what aspect?

Speaker 1 (25:19):
do I depend on you?
Cause cause, if you'rereferring to if you're referring
to, if you're referring to yes,fight financially and
emotionally?
Absolutely not okay, absolutelynot.
Well, excuse, your emotionalsupport is in conjunction with
the emotions that I have, that Iprocess, that I deal with.

Speaker 2 (25:41):
I was going to say, so I call it your problem no,
you add to my emotional bank.

Speaker 1 (25:49):
I don't depend solely on you for emotional stability
is what I'm saying, I guess.

Speaker 2 (25:54):
I guess I don't add no value to your life I
literally just add.

Speaker 1 (25:58):
I just literally just said that you add to my
emotional bank.
That's cool because, like howyou said, if you had to solely
depend on me, that's cool really, really demille.
I'm hurt now, okay.
Well, I can't help that and andthis, and this is why you can't
, this is why you can't fullyemotionally depend on one person

(26:20):
because people are unstable,I'm just.
People are unstable yes and ifI had to rely solely on you for
just emotionally?

Speaker 2 (26:29):
look here, right I would starve, okay, okay, first
of all, that's a.
That's a bit much, that's aokay you know, that's sorry, I'm
tired oh come on now.
I know I have my periods andtimes where you have your
periods.
This has been.
I know that there are times inwhich I'm solely focusing on my,

(26:55):
my turmoil and my trauma andwhat I'm processing, that I
don't see the world of ourmarriage outside of my own
personal struggles, and that Ihave I am trying to get better
at.
But I think that's just part oflife.
Sometimes I get tunnel visionbecause I'm carrying the,
because in my mind, I'm carryingthe weight and the potential

(27:19):
success or failure of so much onmy shoulders that I don't
always see outside of myself tosee what it is that you're
portraying or what it is thatyou need.
I admit that I'm trying to getbetter, but sometimes life is a
journey.
Sometimes life be life, and Ican't always, but you know, at

(27:40):
the same time, I think I do thesame thing in a different way,
whereas I choose not to putcertain emotions on you or
certain stresses on you, so thatI don't add to your daily load.
So I think it's kind of like.
It's kind of like we both do itto each other in a different
way and I think but I do thinkpart of that is about us trying

(28:01):
to be both emotionallyself-sufficient and independent
in that way.
Now, I don't think that, whenit comes to the definition of
what modern independence ofmarriage is, I don't think that
we necessarily hit all of thesepoints Like I don't, I don't.
I for one, I'm not autonomous,I need you.
Autonomous, I need you.

Speaker 1 (28:22):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (28:23):
I need you, like I could do it.
You want me, I could do it, butI don't want to do it.
Okay, I need you.
You want me, I could do it, butI don't want to do it, right.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
My presence makes it better.

Speaker 2 (28:34):
Right, my presence makes it better.
Now the financial freedom part.
That's me.
That's me.

Speaker 1 (28:41):
That's me.

Speaker 2 (28:42):
And I mean as hard as it is to admit.
You know, you are, we 23 years.
You are a part of my identity,Absolutely, you are definitely a
part of my identity.

Speaker 1 (28:54):
I'm not your identity , no, but I am.
Yes, you're a major part of thefabric of your identity.

Speaker 2 (28:58):
Now, my personal growth, my growth journey that I
have been on, it's beensomething I've been doing solely
.
Yeah, now I give you insight towhere I'm feeling or where I'm,
where I'm, where my life isheading and where I'm going to
make sure that the direction I'mwalking still aligns with the
direction you want me to walk,or you want to walk or where I
would like to go.

Speaker 1 (29:15):
Right, yeah, because that's important.
That's important, because ifyou keep, going down the yellow
brick road and I want to go downthe teal.
We're going to have some issuesRight.

Speaker 2 (29:25):
So I would say like out of the, with the list being
personal growth, identity,autonomy, financial freedom,
emotional self-sufficiency.
I would say that I am attachedto you permanently when it comes
to identity and autonomy thosetwo things for sure.

(29:46):
Now the other three personalgrowth, financial freedom and
emotional self-sufficiency thoseare things that I do try to
keep in-house and regulatemyself, and I do believe that
I've done a fairly good time, afairly good job, and the same
can be said for you.
I don't really think you don'treally come to me with emotional
things until it's like on you.
And a lot of times when I dopick up on it, I can see the

(30:10):
shift in your demeanor and inyour character and sometimes,
like your shoulders just hanglow, I said my baby need a hug.

Speaker 1 (30:19):
My baby need cuddles, I need hugsies and kissies.

Speaker 2 (30:21):
She ain't got to talk about it.
She just want me to hold her.

Speaker 1 (30:24):
She just want to hold her, it's just like sometimes
like I tell you, sometimes Ijust need to cry.
Let me get a good cry, Liketoday when you laid on my chest
and I just rubbed your head andgave you a kiss and I almost
went to sleep.
I know, I know I was like yougot to walk the dog.
That's why let me get up.
You got.
Look, you have shit to do.
Because you done put me in yourbosom and now I'm sleepy, yeah,

(30:56):
but I think here's the thing too.
I think that each person in arelationship should have some
sense of independence in therelationship, right?
Because, like how you said,like for even though we were
just joking or whatever me beingable to depend on you solely
for emotions or emotionalsupport or emotional stability
or, you know, like finances, allof which could be kind of

(31:18):
dangerous to put not only putall that responsibility and load
on one person, right, but nowyou're also leaving somebody in
control of major aspects of yourlife, right?
So I mean, yes, I depend on youfinancially, but I guess I
depend on you financially, but Ialso do make my own money, do

(31:40):
you?
I was like, excuse me, sir.

Speaker 2 (31:44):
You make little odds of hearing.

Speaker 1 (31:48):
But the point is.

Speaker 2 (31:50):
the point is that I still you have access to
something that you've created,that I've created, so you still
have something on the sidethat's still yours.

Speaker 1 (31:57):
That's still something, yes, so it's like yes
, of course, I depend on you tomake sure my bills are paid.
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (32:03):
And look here.
If you ever want that to change, I will not let my ego stop you
.
Okay, I will not.
I will not let my ego stop you.
Okay, I will not.
I will not let my ego stop you.
If you ever want that to change, okay.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
But when it comes to things like your personal
development, your emotionalboundaries, identity
preservation, stuff like that,it's important for you to have
your own thing, and it'simportant for me to have my own
thing, and it's important for meto have my own thing.
I love that you have somethingthat is just for you, that I can

(32:38):
kind of like peer into or thatyou can share with me.
Right, you know what I'm saying.
Like I don't have to be gluedto you at the hip now.
I do like that aspect of ourrelationship sometimes where,
where we're, you know wherewe're just kind of like
Inter-twingled, inter-twingled,inter-twingled, right.
But I also enjoy the fact thatYou're like hey, I'm going to go

(32:59):
hang out with my friends, doyou Like?
That's great, you should dothat.
Go hang out with your friends.
Go have lunch with your friends,go take a day with your boys,
Like you should do those things.
Look here.

Speaker 2 (33:13):
The part of me that gets excited, and you'd be like,
oh, I'm gonna go to my sister'shouse for a weekend.
I would like are you takingyour daughter too?

Speaker 1 (33:22):
see, now, that's, that's where we differ.
I would like, when you go, yougo solo, no.
When I go, I always gotta takethe kid, no I don't always go
solo.

Speaker 2 (33:30):
I take the kid sometime.
I don't mind taking the kid,but it's like, but I do, I do
like that.
I do like that time away.
But, like I've said before, byday two I need my wife back.
Yeah, I be like, look here.
Yeah, either you come home orI'm coming to get you, because

(33:50):
you didn't have 48 hours withoutme.
That's enough.
Right, I done smelled yourpillow, okay.
Okay, damel, I done cuddledwith your muumuu.
Okay, it's time for you to getyour ass on.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
The fact that he's not lying, though, is the part
that's crazy.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
Look here when my wife leaves for more than a day,
I put her muumuu on her pillowand I cuddle with it.
I don't care, put her mumu onher pillow and I cuddle with it.
I literally come back home andmy mumu is on my.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Her mumu has her smell, has heressence and I, that's what I'll
be needing at night to sleep.
Well, I cuddle with that pillow, that mumu, and be drooling all

(34:25):
over.
It be knocked out I can't, butlike you said, it is.
It is important for each uhparty, each side, to have their
own thing right.
So and to pursue differentthings right.

Speaker 1 (34:34):
Like pursue things beyond, like what your title is,
I know for me, when I firstbecame a stay at home mom like I
think it was, you know it wasunder school it was nice In the
beginning it felt like avacation.
I was like, okay, I can do this.

Speaker 2 (34:51):
I can do this.

Speaker 1 (34:51):
I can do this, because she wasn't in school.

Speaker 2 (34:53):
It was a lot of naps.

Speaker 1 (34:55):
Yeah, we made our own schedule because I did
homeschooling with her.
It was cool.
I was like I can do this.

Speaker 2 (35:00):
Two or three days in the same pajamas.

Speaker 1 (35:02):
I can do this.
And then when things started topick up, she had a schedule,
and then she had school, andthen you had work and then there
was the house and then therewas, uh, the you know, keeping
up the house, like running theerrands, the bill, like all of
that stuff.
That's when I feel like, that'swhen I got like knee deep in it

(35:22):
and then just being a wife and amom really just became my
personality, and that's when Istarted to feel like, okay, I
don't have an identity formyself anymore.
And I remember being out with Iforget who it was, I think it
was my cousin and we went to afriend's house and her friend's
son had asked me.
He was like oh, what do you do,kynesha?

(35:43):
And I literally I justresponded and I was like, oh,
I'm a stay-at-home mom, like,just like that.
And my cousin was like you domore than just stay at home,
like you know, yeah, you're astay-at-home mom, but you also
run a small business.
You also you.
But because I didn't, I don'tthink of myself like that, like
because, when I decided to stayhome, when people ask like what

(36:03):
do you do?
Like I'm be like, oh, I'm astay-at-home mom, you know.
And then my and my sister waslike you don't, but you don't
just stay home like you.

Speaker 2 (36:10):
I put it down for my family.

Speaker 1 (36:11):
You, you literally like run two small businesses
and you're a podcaster now andyou do content Like there's so
many other things, but I don't,I don't view those things.
You know what I'm saying andbut when I, when I sit back and
I think about it, I'm like, okay, well, yeah, I do more than
just you know am being a stay athome mom or being your wife,

(36:32):
and I think that's where tryingto regain some of my
independence like I had oncebefore, because my independence
for me needs to be beyond justproviding financially.
But I also realized too that alot of my identity was also
wrapped up in like my work brain.
Yeah, you know, like my work, Itried to wrap up in my work

(36:53):
brain.

Speaker 2 (36:53):
I tried to tell you.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
It was wrapped up in my work brain.

Speaker 2 (36:55):
I tried to tell you.

Speaker 1 (36:56):
But that's the part of my identity that I like for
myself, because I always said,like work is for me, because I
genuinely enjoyed what I did youknow what I'm saying.
Crazy.
So when, like now, how I'mtrying to really get back into
carving out things that are justfor me, you know, and saying
you're trying to know you'redoing it.

(37:19):
Ok, well, I'm doing it, youknow.
So it puts me in a differentheadspace of making sure that I
prioritize things.

Speaker 2 (37:25):
But to that point I will say I applaud you for that,
because I know how hard it is.
Yeah Right, because for me forthe longest time I used to
always and I still do a littlebit now I still struggle with
getting like justifying, buyingmyself something.

Speaker 1 (37:43):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (37:43):
Right, I would always .
I always do this thing in myhead where I'm like well, yeah,
I want that, but do I reallyneed it?

Speaker 1 (37:51):
Because yeah but why are you asking yourself that?
Because, because, let meexplain my process.
Right.

Speaker 2 (37:57):
So I would say that to myself and I'd be like, well,
you know, my daughter needsthis, this and I got this coming
up.
Oh well, you know what?
I haven't done nothing for mywife for a while, you know, like
because't want to do what youdo?
Yeah, no, zero entrance.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
Nada.

Speaker 2 (38:14):
Okay, we get the point.
Nothing, she would be atdaycare.

Speaker 1 (38:19):
I'm not doing it Back to Mel.
She would be at daycare.

Speaker 2 (38:21):
I'm not doing it right.
So I do think that for thatpoint, like carving, so I've
learned to like feed myself indifferent ways, right?
So at first it was likecommitting to the gym and it was
like, okay, no, I'm gonna playmy video games or I'm gonna do
this on Saturday, like, like Iremember I used to always have a

(38:42):
hard stance of like if I workSunday, I'm not doing anything
Saturday, right, like I don'tcare what you have planned.
Right, this is my last day.
I'm going to do what I want todo, and if you have plans that
I'm not okay with, well, justunderstand that.
Hey, because my, because mybrain used to work, hey, friday
is family day.
I'm going to spend all dayFriday with you guys, so y'all

(39:04):
can leave me the hell alone.
I'm going to do what y'all wantto do.
I'm going to put my smile on.
I'm going to take y'all tothese restaurants because, lord
knows, my girls like to eat out.
They like to order something.
Okay.

Speaker 1 (39:15):
We like restaurant food Okay.

Speaker 2 (39:18):
I'm going to do that.

Speaker 1 (39:18):
We like the atmosphere of not being at home.

Speaker 2 (39:20):
I'm going to do that and then I may give you a little
time Saturday morning.
But come Saturday about noondaddy shuts it down From noon
until it's time for me to clockin on Sunday.
It's about me and so I used to.
That used to be a hard line.
I'm not, as it's not as hardline as it used to be, because
Our schedules Because of ourschedules.

(39:44):
Not only because our schedulesare different and because it
just you know, through mytherapy and all that I really do
appreciate that, finding outthat a lot of my happiness comes
from being with you.
I don't want to give you toomuch credit, but it comes from
being being with you because itdoes, like you have, like like
part of it, like another, likeone of the points here, like you
have developed a space to whereI can be vulnerable with you to

(40:05):
a degree.
I'm not I can't say I can befully vulnerable, but I can be
vulnerable with you to a degree.
And I do also understand thatif I need to be an optometrist
or be solo or have time tomyself, you're willing to give
that to me because youunderstand.
So I do feel like we've done agood job of balancing out each

(40:25):
other's needs with our ownindividual personalities, all
the while still trying to throwin the work-life balance, also
trying to throw in our self-careand, at the same time, being
supportive to each other andwhat we need from each other.

Speaker 1 (40:41):
Yeah, and I also think I know that some people
think that if you both are kindof like doing your own thing, it
can kind of create space andyou maybe like grow apart,
because what's what's the pointif he's going to do his own
thing and I'm going to do my ownthing?
But in my mind I feel like thatmakes things like stronger.

(41:06):
I feel like that brings ustogether because because we have
something to talk about.

Speaker 2 (41:09):
We have something to talk about.

Speaker 1 (41:11):
Right, we have something to talk about.
We have something to talk aboutright, and not only that, it's.
It's like, if you are, ifthere's only one person in the
relationship who has their senseof independence and who's like
pursuing new goals, who's tryingnew things, who's on a fitness
journey, who's and then ifyou're not, and you're over
there and you're not doinganything, that's just for
yourself, of course it's goingto feel like distance is growing

(41:32):
, because you see your personover there and it looks like
they're on this path thatdoesn't include you at all,
because you don't, you haven'tcreated a path for yourself, so
now that's going to feel likedistance.
So, that's why I think it'sreally important that we don't
have to grow apart, because mybiggest thing is we are
individual people who are makinga choice to be in a

(41:54):
relationship that's all marriageis that's how you're choosing
where I'm choosing to stay toI'm.
I'm choosing to be here, I'mchoosing to be making it easy
bye, because but just becauseI'm choosing to be here doesn't
mean that I have to sacrifice somuch of myself, right, that I'm
just unrecognizable to myself.

(42:15):
Because I also truly, in myhearts of hearts, believe that
the relationship that I'mchoosing to be in is also
growing me into the person thatI desire to be.
Oh, ok.

Speaker 2 (42:26):
No, she says something nice about me y'all.

Speaker 1 (42:28):
Oh, because.

Speaker 2 (42:31):
I am allowing her to metamorphosis into the lovely
butterfly.
She needs to be, and she isgoing to spread her wings.

Speaker 1 (42:40):
I know that.
I know that for me I could.
I could be good on my own, okay.

Speaker 2 (42:45):
Hold on now.

Speaker 1 (42:46):
I could I if I needed to be.
I could be good on my own.
I enjoy my time.
Listen here.
Most people may not.
Some people will onlyunderstand this.
Only a small group of peopleunderstand this.
I enjoy me.
Me too.
I enjoy myself.
I enjoy have a problem going toa, to a movie by myself, to go

(43:06):
take myself out to a restaurant.
I have no problem being in thehouse by myself.
I have no problem being lockedin a closet by myself with my
Kindle and a cup of tea.
It does.
It is enjoyable.
Okay, I don't have a problemwith myself, I will say this,
but I love.
I love that I get to cohabitatewith you.

Speaker 2 (43:26):
I will say this I have that to a degree.

Speaker 1 (43:29):
I know, and that's where we differ.

Speaker 2 (43:33):
After about 36 hours you're over it.

Speaker 1 (43:37):
I need my wife you're over it.

Speaker 2 (43:38):
Where's my person?

Speaker 1 (43:39):
like I, and now and I do I I miss you guys, like
everything like that.
Like I, I love you guys todeath, but I also have never
really had a problem.
But this tea is good.
It's doing it for me.
I've never had a problem beingin a quiet space by myself.
That's never.
That's never been a problem.

(44:00):
Like, but I am am extremelygrateful and blessed that I
don't have to, like, live thatway.
You know, um, but that just youknow.
Just going back to say that Ienjoy having my sense of self
and I think that's what it isLike.
Everybody needs to have theirsense of self, um, my sense of
self-worth, and what I know thatI can do for myself, what I

(44:24):
know, that how I can enrichsomeone else's life through
through my knowledge, through,like me, being a friend, through
what, through, whatever thecase is, you know, like I like
having something that is that Ihave built or something that I
know I only I can give.
You know what I'm saying, likethat sense of independence.

(44:44):
I love that you're on your ownjourney with health and fitness.
I'm on my own journey withhealth and fitness and because
we're on our individual journeys, we have things to talk about,
because we're both on twocompletely different paths.

Speaker 2 (44:56):
Completely different paths.

Speaker 1 (44:57):
Completely different paths.

Speaker 2 (44:58):
You trying to move the rock mountain.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
I'm trying to be big bro.

Speaker 2 (45:02):
You trying to move the mountain, I'm just trying to
walk up, walk out.

Speaker 1 (45:06):
See Two different, two different, two different
things.

Speaker 2 (45:09):
So let me tell me, give me your thoughts about this
.
This is the statement it saysthe strength of a modern
marriage isn't measured by howintertwined two lives are, but
how much freedom each partnerfeels to grow individually while
choosing every day to growtogether.
Yeah, I think.

(45:29):
I think we do a good job ofthat.

Speaker 1 (45:31):
I think, I think we're on the path of that.

Speaker 2 (45:33):
I do, I do, I really do Because think.
I think we're on the path ofthat, I do think I do, I really
do, Because you know, we, we,you know we come together and
then we do our thing and then wecome back.

Speaker 1 (45:39):
And we come back together, yeah.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
And we talk about it and then sometimes sometimes you
know I will you, more so thanme, are not necessarily afraid
to try and venture out, do morenew things, but we are also
honest with each other.

Speaker 1 (46:01):
That when we come back and talk about it, like,
yeah, I tried it, but that ain'tfor me Because I'm the, I'm the
.
I'm the person that, forinstance, I came to him and I
was like one day I was like,babe, I just want you to know
that I would be completely andutterly fine with finding remote
jobs, selling our house, all ofour stuff, putting it all in an
RV, and we go on the road.
He was like, yeah, no, that'snot, that's not going to happen.

(46:24):
It's not happening.
He's like that's not.
And I was like, babe, but whatmy thing is?
I remember how I kept tellingyou I was like but what if we
just do something different?
What if we just do something sodrastic?
We're doing something differentnow.

Speaker 2 (46:43):
But what if we just do something so different from?

Speaker 1 (46:44):
what our upbringing was and just balls to the walls
it.
But he's very much the.
If it's not going to make senseinitially and if we can't plan
that all the way out and put iton an Excel spreadsheet and put
all the P&Ls on there and thenput like, if this shit goes a
wire, what's going to be thebackup plan?
It's not going to happen.
And me I'm over here likelisten, life is a journey.
I know it's probably easiersaid than done, but I just feel

(47:08):
like, as long as we got eachother I mean, we're going to
make something happen and we gotenough family around the world
I'm really, I'm really convincedthat I don't have to be
homeless or hungry.
So I'm just you know, like partof me is just like balls to the
walls, but that's where thebalance is.

Speaker 2 (47:25):
You reel me in I really do feel like, and I think
you will agree, thatindependence and marriage can
coexist like you can, can beindependent of one another and
still be a collective at thesame time.
There's ways to achieve that,that if both parties are on
board, it is more thanattainable, yeah, more than

(47:48):
possibly attainable.

Speaker 1 (47:50):
But you know what this just made me think of it?
It just made me think of it.
It just made me think ofsomething else.
I think it's also important tolike, encourage and support your
partner in doing something thatis, for them, right.
Because if you are doing allthe things right, like you go to

(48:12):
work, you pay the bills, youbills you uh, pay the bills bye.
You you have your own hobbies,you go out with your friends and
stuff like that, and then Ijust I'm just, I'm just home and
I'm just like not doinganything that's.

Speaker 2 (48:27):
That's too.

Speaker 1 (48:27):
That's too much pressure on me that's what I'm
saying, and that's what I'msaying you.
You, I would think you would bewant to be the person, be, be
like babe, do something.
Why don't?
I don't think the approachshould be do something to get a
friend.

Speaker 2 (48:37):
I don't think happy during the class.

Speaker 1 (48:39):
Bye, but that's what I'm saying.
Like babe, is there somethingyou always wanted to do?
Like, did you want to go backto school?
Because I think that too.
What, really, excuse me, mademe think about it.

(49:01):
I remember, after having feeand I was going through my
postpartum, I had theoverwhelming, overwhelming
feeling of missing myself.
And I remember sitting in thebackseat with her, while she was
in her car seat and I wasposting on Facebook and like I'm

(49:23):
looking at her face and I'mlike, oh, my baby, like lover,
love, love, the whole thing.
Sitting in the backseat with mybaby.
But I remember justoverwhelmingly feeling like I
miss me.
But I remember justoverwhelmingly feeling like I
miss me, Like I it was alegitimate feeling that who I
was was so far gone and she wasonly like eight weeks old or

(49:46):
something.
But I just remember feelinglike damn, like what, what was?
What was it like before, beforethis?
You know what I mean.
And I remember posting that by.
I remember posting that and allmy friends, like coworkers,
friends, everybody was like weknow exactly how you feel, but
like it will pass You'll, you'llbe OK.
Once everything settles in Didit pass Eventually.

Speaker 2 (50:17):
Eventually, eventually, but I'm still
working on it seven years later.

Speaker 1 (50:19):
Seven years later, you're still working on it.
But that's why I think it's soimportant, because I mean for
both men and women, but I dothink especially for women you
have to just you have to have asense of self.

Speaker 2 (50:33):
Right, you know what I mean and I think for us that
I'm telling you, I I really do,like in retrospect, I really
feel like it was a god's sinthat time where you went back to
work and I was hurt.
I got hurt at work, so I washome and so I had her, and so
like I kind of went into dealingwith some of what you were

(50:55):
dealing with, right, because,like I was, I think she was what
four or three or four monthswhen you went back to work Four,
four months and like so shewasn't really crawling, she
wasn't really moving.
So like my first month homewardI was like, oh, this is a
breeze, put her in a swing, gether some tummy time.

Speaker 1 (51:10):
Feed her every couple of hours.
Get her some tummy time.
Get her some tummy time.
Feed her a couple every couplehours.

Speaker 2 (51:12):
Get her some tummy time.
We taking naps together.
It's doing good.
And then by month six, when shewas crawling, I said I don't
know what I'm gonna do with her,cause she won't sit still and
then you had the laundry rightand the house and then she
started stealing my food.
No matter how much food I gaveher, she was stealing my food,
cause, no matter how much food Igave her, she was still my food
and I was like well, the babygot to eat, so I guess I'm just

(51:34):
not meant to eat.
Bye.

Speaker 1 (51:35):
The baby got to eat.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
Because she didn't like want nothing.
But I do feel like that timegave me like the perspective on
like no, it's important that,because now I was starting to
feel what you felt, like I needsome time.

Speaker 1 (51:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (51:54):
Like just being here all day doing the same thing
over and over and, over and overand over, like let me, let me
live.
At least I will say this, atleast once she got like when she
was like one, maybe a littleover to one, when I could
actually take her out, when Icould take her to the park and
stuff like that that got alittle bit better because it
wasn't just always in the in thehouse.
but my dude, like you would comehome.
I'd be like, oh thank, Iremember I used to call you.
Look here, your schedule saidyou off at 7.
You need to be at this door by8.15.

(52:17):
I don't care that you was witha client, I don't care that you
had a meeting.

Speaker 1 (52:21):
I don't really care what was going on.
You need to be home, either youhere by 8.15, or we on our way
to you.
I'm going to start.

Speaker 2 (52:31):
You remember I told you that.
I said I'm going to just startmeeting you at the time you're
supposed to clock out with yourbaby, and then we can just meet
back at home because you thinkI'm playing, because you need to
clock out.
That's how I felt.

Speaker 1 (52:42):
You know what I'm saying, except she was more a
newborn newborn.

Speaker 2 (52:45):
Yeah, you were, and where she, yeah, and guess who
still gets up.
I got to work, so you know, butI got to work.
I'm saying like so I understandthat and I do think that we are
, we, we are a prime examplethat open communication, mutual
support, scheduling time apart,time together is important.

(53:07):
Having our individual thingsthat work together, um works
well with us.
I, you know, I just feel likethat we've done a good job of of
balancing out lives to where wecan um do this thing Well yeah.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (53:28):
I agree, I agree.
I just don't want you to loseyourself and I just don't want
to lose.
I'm not Cause I to loseyourself and I just don't want
to lose mine.
I'm not.

Speaker 2 (53:34):
Cause I'm a ninja.

Speaker 1 (53:35):
I ain't going nowhere , baby Okay.
I'm trying to be big bro, okay,big bro.

Speaker 2 (53:40):
Okay, big bro, okay, big bro.

Speaker 1 (53:45):
Listen, guys, the whole point.

Speaker 2 (53:48):
To say all of this Is to say she a big bro.

Speaker 1 (53:51):
Is to say no.
The whole point in all of this.

Speaker 2 (53:53):
Is I think she want a little.
All of this is to say she bigbro.
It's to say no.
The whole point in all of thisis I think she want a little dog
, she want a big dog.
Bye is.

Speaker 1 (53:59):
I think if everyone had more of the concept of
feeling like they don't have tolose themselves and they feel
that they have the freedom to bethemselves and continue to do
things that make them happy intheir relationship, that you
could have a successfulrelationship.
Your relationship would feelmore fulfilling because you're

(54:21):
still doing you.
But the icing on the cake isthat you have someone who is
genuinely interested in thethings that you're interested in
, and even if they're not,they're in your corner.

Speaker 2 (54:31):
It's the support.
You should not be trying togrow with someone who isn't your
biggest Right.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
Right, so that's like friendship.
I think that's what we justdescribed.
Friendship Because think abouta friendship Right Like you my
bestie.
Yeah, that's basically what itis.
It's a friendship foundation.
The friendship foundation.
There it is, oh.

Speaker 2 (54:53):
Lord.

Speaker 1 (54:53):
There it is, the friendship foundation.

Speaker 2 (54:56):
And your bestie be getting mad when I call you my
bestie, but it is what it is,because I'm closer to you than
she'll ever be.

Speaker 1 (55:02):
I know, but I've kind of known her yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:05):
Longer, but I've been in you.

Speaker 1 (55:09):
I think that was unnecessary, but Uh-huh, but it
was the truth.
Yeah, it was yeah.
Yes, it was yeah.
All right, guys, let's head oninto our two cents.
Our two cents.
What do we have today?

Speaker 2 (55:30):
I don't know Probably some mess.
Some what Some mess.
Let's see Some mess.
Some what Some mess.
Let's see Some mess.
We got some mess today.

Speaker 1 (55:38):
It's this one.
Let's see what do we have today?
Am I the asshole for telling myfiance that I won't help pay
the mortgage?

Speaker 2 (55:47):
Yes, I want to hear it.

Speaker 1 (55:48):
You don't even know what the story is, because I
need help.
It says for some background,I'm a 29 year old female and my
fiance, who's 30.
We've been together for 10years.
We had a baby back in 2020 andI lost my job.
Around the same time, our leaseto our apartment was up and my
grandma offered for us to movein with her, so we did.
We basically had our own littleapartment, rent free.

(56:10):
That's living a life.
I had thrown the idea of goingto school out there and everyone
agreed it was a good idea.
My fiance paid for it and mygrandma watched the baby while I
went to class.
I graduated this semester.
I did part-time for a couple ofsemesters.
My fiance has been making 90K ayear for the past couple of
years and 70K when he firstmoved in.
He's saved a good amount ofmoney.

(56:32):
We agreed to wait until we gotmarried, until I finished school
and we could buy a housetogether.
We've been looking at housesmore seriously for the past
couple of months and found onewe both loved.
We started talking to a mortgagebroker and that's when he
dropped the bomb on being himand only him on the mortgage and
the deed.
He said that I wouldn't haveanything to do with it.

(56:55):
I didn't say anything in themeeting, but afterwards I told
him that I thought we werebuying the house together and
I'd pay half the mortgage.
He said that I would be payinghalf the mortgage but my name
just wouldn't be on it.
So I told him that would meanI'd have no right to the house.
And he said I know.
He said, since he saved the 40%down, that it's only fair that

(57:17):
he has all rights to the house.
In case we decided to end things, I told him that if that's what
he wants to do, then I'm notpaying the mortgage.
I said that this isn't apartnership and if he wants his
own place, that's fine, but I'mnot paying for it.
He called me a bitch, sayingthat he paid for everything for
the past few years, including myschooling.
I told him that I stayed homeand watched our child so we

(57:40):
didn't have to pay for daycareand that ended up saving us tons
of money, since I would havebeen the only only able to work
part time.
He said he didn't care and thatI need to pay for half, since I
already agreed to it.
So am I the asshole forrefusing to pay half the
mortgage?
No, that's wild.

Speaker 2 (58:02):
I was on the side at the beginning.

Speaker 1 (58:03):
Shut up.
I was on the side at thebeginning and then.

Speaker 2 (58:11):
When I got the details, that's wild.

Speaker 1 (58:12):
First of all, let me say this no, what's wild is no,
what's wild is he actually toldher the reason why he wasn't
putting her on the house.
I understand where he's comingfrom, but I don't.

Speaker 2 (58:22):
No, I understand where he's coming from, but it's
wild.
Yeah, it is wild, let me saythis One um, apparently you want
, you've met, you've had a childwith this woman.

Speaker 1 (58:33):
And they're engaged to be married.

Speaker 2 (58:34):
You got to engage to be married, right?
Regardless of who's putting themoney down once you're married,
whether she's on the deed ornot, it's communal property,
especially if she's been making,helping you make payments, if
she can prove that.

Speaker 1 (58:48):
If her money goes towards the household.

Speaker 2 (58:50):
So your logic is already flawed, right?
So your logic is already flawedRight now.
I understand you not wanting to.
You believe you're protectingyourself because you, because he
probably feels like look, I'vesaved the 40 percent down.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
But we lived with my grandmother.

Speaker 2 (59:04):
Right, but he's saying.
But he's saying not only did Isay that, the 40 percent to put
down, I've also carried you inyour schooling for the last
however many years.
Yeah, so that is probably hisreason.
He's felt like well, this islike in his mind.
He's thinking well, the leastyou could do is just let the
house be in my name, absolutelynot.

Speaker 1 (59:24):
This is a purchase that we first of all listen here
.

Speaker 2 (59:27):
I didn't say I agree with him.

Speaker 1 (59:28):
No, I know, but what I'm saying is is, when we get
into this whole thing wherepeople are cohabitating together
, they are procreating together.
Now we're engaged to be married.
I'm always going to be underthe assumption that any major
steps in our life that we takeand we're still together, we're
going to be doing it together.
So there's not going to be.
You're just the one who savedthe 40, the 40 percent down

(59:49):
payment.
Ok, so you proved to me thatyou can save money, manage money
and pay for our household,thank you.
Now I feel more secure, but whatyou're not going to do is try
to make it seem like what you dois yours and it's all just
yours and and pretend like whatwhatever I did do to contribute
for you to get there is nothing.

(01:00:09):
Because you act like that, youwere just able to go out there
and save your 40% down payment,making your 90 K a year Like you
were, like you was out herealso paying bills, because you
weren't.
That was the only.
The only way you were able tosave that so fluidly is because
you we didn't have any majorresponsibilities outside our

(01:00:30):
child, because my grandmotherallowed us to live there rent
free, which also means youprobably weren't paying nothing
but crumbs to be there, whichmeans you should have more than
that 40% off.
Right.

Speaker 2 (01:00:41):
My thing is this I feel like I would question his
reason for wanting to marry her.

Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
Oh, it's probably because they had the baby.

Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
Is it?

Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
And it's the facade.

Speaker 2 (01:00:54):
Is it the baby?
It's probably the baby.
Do you want a wife, or do youwant to, or do you want to be a
husband?

Speaker 1 (01:00:59):
Or he probably, or she had, they had the baby Right
and now he's feeling like bigcheese because he he feeling
himself, because he'sfinancially on a good plateau.

Speaker 2 (01:01:10):
We're on a good platform.

Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
Exactly, exactly, exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
I married to the wrong family.

Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Because things is going to get real when that
mortgage hit all the utilitiesyour car, your baby, your wife,
and then just daily stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:01:24):
I don't care, ma'am, you're not the asshole and he's
only making 90K Hold on.
Let me say something.

Speaker 1 (01:01:30):
I'm like wait a minute, because he only making
90K, hold, hold on.
Let me say something I'm likewait a minute, cause he only
making 90k, hold on, cause I see, I see, I see how six figures
go.
So baby, stop it.
So baby, like he's gonna haveto, he's gonna have to pipe down
a little bit.

Speaker 2 (01:01:42):
Look here, this is wild, that's crazy work, that's
crazy work.

Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
That's crazy work, that he would say the least the
least you could do is.
Let me have that and then callher a bitch.
I think audacity is like, it'slike 99 off, so everyone's
buying it, like everyone'severyone's getting audacity

(01:02:08):
because it's so cheap.
Um, audacity went down so it'slike super cheap now.
So, like everyone has it,everyone has it and obviously he
bought like extra of theaudacity.
Yeah, okay, crazy work.
Um, okay, am I the asshole fortelling my mother-in-law that
she made her choice when shechose to keep seeing my

(01:02:30):
husband's ex?
Okay, I'm a 33-year-old female.
My husband, tom, who's 35, havebeen no contact with most of
his family for three years.
Within those three years, I'vehad twin boys, which has made my
mother-in-law try to get backin contact with us.
There's a lot of history, buthere's a brief summary of why

(01:02:51):
Tom and I are no contact at alland resolves around Tom's ex,
who we'll call Talia.
So I'm an Indian American andTom is white.
He comes from a prettytraditional family and grew up
in a small town.
Talia was mother, wasmother-in-law's best friend's
daughter, and they were thesmall town romance everybody

(01:03:14):
envied.
However, upon meeting incollege, tom and I clicked on a
platonic level and, to be honest, I didn't even have feelings
for Tom until our four dates in.
I guess you could say that hehad an emotional affair, but he
never did anything physicallyromantic until he broke up with
Talia.
Talia, of course, remained incontact with his family since

(01:03:35):
she had been, according to themother-in-law, the daughter she
always wanted.
Keep in mind Tom has a sister,but Talia is more of a homemaker
, while my sister-in-law, who isan absolute angel, and I have
always been more career-focused.
Talia had been at every holiday, family gathering and get
together since the very start ofTom and I's relationship and at

(01:03:58):
first I paid it no mind.
I was silver to Talia becausemy mother-in-law made it clear
Talia mattered to her, despiteTalia's blatant distaste and
disrespectful attitude towardsme.
That changed at my wedding.
We had two.
My parents footed the bill forboth.
The dress code was simple.
Aside from the obvious no whiteslash wedding party colors rule

(01:04:20):
, nobody was supposed to wearred.
I am well aware that red meansyou have slept with the groom
but, more importantly, red is abridal color in my culture.
I wore a red langa I thinkthat's how you say it and sari

(01:04:41):
to my Indian wedding, which shewore in eggshell off-white
dressed.
To keep in mind, white is wornat funerals to represent purity
in my culture.
That got my aunts and cousinstalking, but I still had a blast
since I really didn't care.
I did care when she showed up tomy American ceremony in a floor
length apple red gown with aslit going straight up her leg.

(01:05:01):
It was a bridesmaid's dress andit violated the dress code.
My sister-in-law, along withTom, went to tell her to change.
She did leave after having ahushed argument and came back in
a tea-length green gown.
I assumed she wanted to see ifshe could get away with it.
Apparently, my aunts saw rightthrough that too, which meant

(01:05:23):
Talia was subjected to stares,whispers and backhanded giggle
fits throughout my wholeAmerican ceremony.
It made Talia feel embarrassedand she cried to my
mother-in-law, who went to meand told me to quote unquote
keep my kind in line To this.
I crossed my arms and told herthat maybe Talia should have

(01:05:43):
stayed in her lane, that sheknew not to wear red for
multiple reasons, but mostlycultural reasons, and it wasn't
my fault that my family wasshaming her.
It isn't my fault that shebecame the folder for gossip and
gaggle of the family.
Those were the consequences ofher actions.
Tom and my sister-in-law backedme up and my mother-in-law left

(01:06:04):
with Talia before the dessert.
The next day there was a socialmedia post from Talia crying
about how she was exiled fromher best friend's wedding.
Because the bride was sojealous, I made a post back
telling her that she wore red,knowing how inappropriate it was
, how her best friend is her exand to not sugarcoat what she

(01:06:24):
had did.
I then tagged my mother-in-lawin a separate post with
screenshots of Talia's post andtold her that this was the last
straw and that I have beendisrespected by Talia from the
very beginning of ourrelationship and that now that I
was her daughter-in-law, sheneeded to keep Talia away from
family events and holidays,since she doesn't respect my

(01:06:45):
husband and I.
I didn't care if they stillwent on their weekly shopping
sprees and day spas, just keepher away from Christmas and
barbecues.
Talia removed her post afterbeing publicly called out.
My mother-in-law was good onthis compromise until three
years ago, after Talia came toThanksgiving with a pie and a
plastered smile, a Thanksgivingthat I was hosting.

(01:07:07):
She said something along thelines of my mother-in-law
invited me and I wanted to makesure my mother-in-law could me,
and I wanted to make sure mymother-in-law could actually eat
something, since I know youtend to cook ethnic food.
I slammed the door in her faceand went over to my
mother-in-law and told her thatshe could also leave with Talia,
who I just slammed the door on.
Tom looked at his mom, who hadthis deer caught in headlights

(01:07:29):
look.
She tried to sputter outexcuses and my father-in-law
tried to defend my mother-in-lawbut Tom stood firm.
He said that he had, that shehad lost access to him and any
extension of him since theycontinuously choose Talia.
My in-laws left and we haven'tspoken since.
Fast forward to last week.

(01:07:49):
I got a text from an unknownnumber and it was my
mother-in-law.
She said she saw a picture ofthe boys from a mutual friends
post and wanted to reconcile.
Fast forward to last week, Igot a text from an unknown
number and it was mymother-in-law.
She said she saw a picture ofthe boys from a mutual friend's
post and wanted to reconcile.
She said she'd keep Talia awaythis time and that ever since
she got cut off she's been inminimal contact with Talia.
Anyway.
I told her as much, saying thatI saw BS when I smelled it and

(01:08:15):
that she made her choice.
I told Tom about it and asked ifhe missed his family, and he
just shrugged and said that hedidn't care and it's been
relieving not to have to dealwith his mom and have her around
, but I have since receivedtexts from my brother-in-laws
and their wives and myfather-in-law begging for a
second chance.
She's always wanted to be agrandmother and I do feel like
I'm robbing her of that chance.
Her other sons have not hadchildren yet and my

(01:08:36):
sister-in-law also cut her offwhen we did.
But you can't undo a nearlydecade of disrespect with wishes
and wants, and Talia is stillin the picture, so I'm skeptical
about how long the promise willlast.
I feel like I'm being callous,but there are so many stories I
can tell about Talia's disregardfor Tom's boundaries and mind,
and I don't want to welcome astorm into my house by opening

(01:08:58):
up the gates.
So am I the asshole for tellingmy mother-in-law that she made
her choice after she kept myhusband's ex around?
Not at all.

Speaker 2 (01:09:06):
And shout out to Tom for saying that to his mom.

Speaker 1 (01:09:08):
She said Tom stood firm, sit your ass down.
Tom was like listen here, tom,my type of guy, we're done, I
can do something.
I played that whole scene in myhead at dinner.
Tom walked up to his mom and hewas like you know what?
We're done, you got to go,we're done.
You're done with me.
Any extension of me.
Dad, take her home, you're done.

(01:09:29):
That was it.
Get out of my house.
That was it, because whatyou're not going to do, she's
not my girlfriend anymore.

Speaker 2 (01:09:36):
She is my wife.
I need you to roll on out.
Look here.

Speaker 1 (01:09:38):
And he already going into a different multicultural.
So he knows, tom know he betterplay his cards, right, tom?
Know, he better play his cardsright.

Speaker 2 (01:09:50):
Because Tom is going to end up somewhere on that
reservation by himself.
As someone Tom know he betterplay his cards, right, tom going
to end up somewhere on thatreservation by himself.
Bye, as someone who has had tostand up and say look here, this
is who I've chosen.
You either with it or you ain't.
You either with me or againstme, but you're going to respect
her, and if you can't respecther, you got to go.
I stand firmly on that.

(01:10:11):
This is my choice.
Look, here I'm going to standbehind him on his shoulder like
this and be like I don't, Idon't know what it is about
these, these moms like this thatdon't understand that once your
son has made a choice,regardless of your feelings, you
have to honor and respect thatchoice.
Yeah, because if he's made thatchoice, that woman is in his
ear more than you will ever bein his ear.

(01:10:33):
Yeah, and if you keep, pokingthe bear.

Speaker 1 (01:10:36):
Yeah, you play stupid games, you win super awards.

Speaker 2 (01:10:40):
You win super awards.
Now you want to be grandma, andthen you got to be grandma from
afar.

Speaker 1 (01:10:46):
Yeah, and you don't like it, and I think that's the
part that they don't really bethinking about.
They don't.
It's like when your kids go offand get married and they get
partners and you try to uh, keepup, keep up the whole.
You don't like their partner,that's fine, but just think
about like it's it's your, yourchild and their partner and
their kids.

(01:11:06):
So if you don't like my partner, what makes you think you're
going to be around here up inthese kids face, like I don't
want to keep you from yourgrandchildren, but you also need
to be.
You need to be an adult and berespectful.

Speaker 2 (01:11:21):
And my thinking is this If I'm the woman in this
situation, if you don't like me,by extension, you can't like my
kids.

Speaker 1 (01:11:30):
Yeah, you don't like my kids Because my kids come
from me.
Yeah, but she's only thinkingabout the part of her son.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 (01:11:35):
Yeah, but they're my kids.
Yeah, they're still my children, and what's not going to happen
is what I guarantee you I'm notgoing to allow to happen.

Speaker 1 (01:11:42):
Is you be talking bad about me in front of my kids?

Speaker 2 (01:11:47):
You're not going asshole.
Yeah, I tell grandma, grannykick rocks, you know what I
would do.

Speaker 1 (01:11:52):
Granny, granny, kick rocks.
That's, that's crazy work.

Speaker 2 (01:11:56):
I sent her.
I sent her a Christmas cardevery year with the boys on it.

Speaker 1 (01:11:59):
Well, at least she would, at least she can hang up
the picture.
So she gets to see them, yep,and I will make sure that
they're always dressed in theirculture.
Culture attire.

Speaker 2 (01:12:14):
And to the brother and to the brother-in-law and to
the brother-in-laws, um, umshut up To the brother-in-laws
and their wives.
Yeah, Shut up.
You used to have contact withher.
So if y'all want to gettogether and see the kids, y'all
can go over there, Y'all.
Mama done fucked up.

Speaker 1 (01:12:32):
So I get it Well apparently the only one they
talk to and that they're coolwith is the sister-in-law.
No, no, the brothers and thebrother's wives were calling her
basically to tell her that shewas wrong for keeping the kids
away from mom, and none of themhave kids.
Oh, fuck them.
The only people that have kidsis Tom and his sister-in-law,
but the sister-in-law she cutthem off too, because she was

(01:12:53):
tired of their BS too, so notonly did you get cut off from
your son, you got cut off fromyour daughter too.
That's work.

Speaker 2 (01:12:59):
That's crazy.
As a man who was clearlymarried, that's crazy work that,
once you get married, thefamily that you are creating is
far more important than thefamily you come from.
So there is no family memberalive that I am related to that

(01:13:36):
will ever have the possibilityto get in between me and what my
family is doing and who myfamily is.
Yeah, so Well, guys.
I know, we know that was a longone.
She picked it.
This has been an episode ofLife After I Do, Do, do do, do,
do.

Speaker 1 (01:13:49):
If you're not doing so already.
You need to follow us on all ofour social media platforms.
At Life After I Do.
At Life After I Do Podcast, youcan also write into the podcast
.
At Life After I Do Podcast.
At gmailcom, you get a newepisode every Wednesday.

Speaker 2 (01:14:06):
Every Wednesday Good and not the show.

Speaker 1 (01:14:07):
And don't forget to like, comment and share.
Don't be one of those weirdpeople that are always looking
at our tiktoks and instagram anddon't follow.
We see you, okay, don't beweird, just follow, love you
until next time, peace booskies.