Healthy Me, Stronger We

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We’re talking about the balance between “we” and “me”—how to stay connected in your relationship while still honoring who you are as an individual.

From feeling guilty about personal time to wondering if you’re allowed to grow in ways your partner isn’t ready for, we get real about the silent struggles of identity in long-term love.

We’ve been there, and we’ve learned that prioritizing yourself doesn’t mean you’re selfish—it means you’re showing up whole.

If you’ve been feeling lost in the day-to-day, this episode might help you find your way back to you.

Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I will say you also had times where you're like, hey
, don't forget, I'm here, I'mhere, your kid is here.
When you come home, there'speople here.

(00:33):
Hey, everybody, welcome back toanother episode of life after I
do podcast 45, 47.
I knew you was going to do it.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
I came to see Dwight.

Speaker 1 (00:55):
Dwight around your mouth, lips, lips.
Oh my God Sorry.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
No, it is mouth, my bad Dwight around your mouth.
Wow, hey, booskies, my bad, thewhite around your mouth.
Wow, hey, booskies, hi.
Welcome to episode 99.

Speaker 1 (01:11):
Woo-hoo, 99.
99.
That's kind of crazy.
Part of it is 99.

Speaker 2 (01:17):
99.
99.
Huh, you know what the song say.
Know what it says, lord, I'mrunning Trying to make a hundred
99 and a half.
Won't do, bet you didn't know Iwas a church boy.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
I quite literally did .
It's quite literally one of thereasons I agreed to date you.
Had I known it wouldn't havestuck, I would have reconsidered
.
What do you mean?
It didn't stick.

Speaker 2 (01:49):
I'm just teasing why it's kind of warm in here.

Speaker 1 (01:53):
Now it is, because it wasn't before.
I'm fine, but you look likeyou're going to start sweating.
I see you getting shiny up hereon your forehead.
You all right, I paid the bill,didn't?

Speaker 2 (02:03):
I.

Speaker 1 (02:05):
Goodbye.
The light's on, so I must havepaid it.
How you doing, Booskies?

Speaker 2 (02:09):
I'm doing gravy baby.
Okay, how you doing?

Speaker 1 (02:13):
I'm doing good, you look good, thank you.
You look good yourself.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
You know, when you look good, you feel good when
you play good and when you play,good them checks come well I
ain't got no checks yet, buthow's your week um?
My week was good we're notgonna do that 45 minute week
because you know we had acomment that said we take too
long what to get to the get tothe meat.

Speaker 1 (02:38):
I mean, you do realize that you could just put
your finger on the little scrollthing and you can just move
forward.
Now I see what, like the peopleon, uh, take up, you do realize
you could.
Just you could have justscrolled past this video.
It's the same thing like Iliterally listen to podcasts
every day and because I know,like the setup of the certain

(03:01):
podcasts, that I listen to thesegments I don't want to listen
to, I just let me just fastforward through here.
You're going to be taking alittle bit too long.
So, yes, I get it, but how wasyour week?
My week was okay, it was okay,yeah.

Speaker 2 (03:15):
It's just okay Life is life.

Speaker 1 (03:18):
I'm just trying to get ready for um our regularly
scheduled programming.

Speaker 2 (03:22):
Oh, I can't wait.

Speaker 1 (03:24):
By the time you guys hear this it'll be the first day
of school.

Speaker 2 (03:28):
Lord, I have waited for this.
Bye, goodbye.

Speaker 1 (03:34):
I am so happy to have my wife back.
It's literally only been likeeight weeks.

Speaker 2 (03:37):
Too long.

Speaker 1 (03:38):
No, it's been too long.
She got up this morning and shewas like I have two days left,
huh.
And I was like yeah, baby, youhave two days.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
I was like why do?

Speaker 1 (03:46):
you sound so sad.
I said you used to love schooland she was like no, I do, I
like school, but I think shejust liked the freedom of a
summer schedule and I was likegirlfriend, but she's excited.

Speaker 2 (03:58):
I think what's not possible is that her birthday is
always the first week of school.
I know that's the part.

Speaker 1 (04:02):
But at least it's always, for the most part,
towards the weekend, and we gotto tell the teacher on Wednesday
yeah, ringing cupcakes.
Oh yeah, ringing cupcakes, yeah, I guess.
I mean it's typically aboutlike between 20 and 24 kids in
the class, including the teacher.
I'm not okay about the teachergetting a cupcake.
Bye, I don't want some kidsgetting a cupcake.

(04:24):
Bye, I don't want some kidsgetting a cupcake, goodbye.

Speaker 2 (04:28):
Goodbye.
I'm sorry that your week wasn'tgreat.

Speaker 1 (04:30):
No, my week was.
It wasn't terrible.
I mean it's fine.
I was able to get like lastminute shopping done.
I still got to get a few thingsfor the birthday party.

Speaker 2 (04:38):
Last minute shopping with everybody else.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
Yeah right, I was like.
That's why I said I was happy Ididn't have to do all like
everything at once.
We just needed to get her um, Ihadn't replaced her leggings
this year and she needed liketwo more pairs of jeans and
walked into freaking old navyand everyone, and their mother,
father and grandmother I thoughtthere was a dj too I was like,

(05:02):
as soon as I walked in and sawthat there were no cards, I
already knew.
And then I looked at the lineand it was basically throughout
the whole entire store and thelittle, the employee was right
there and I was like tell me,everybody waited to the last
minute.
Without telling me, everybodywaited to the last minute.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
She was like right, I think if these stores were
smart, I would stop all salesthe week before school.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
Oh no, well, because it actually worked out, because
you know I only like to get herleggings when they on sale, and
because I shop the app and youknow you collect, like certain
points and stuff, the pricesthat are in the store are
sometimes higher than the one.
Listen, all I'm saying is.
All I'm saying is is that shegot the jeans that I wanted her

(05:47):
to have.
They were $27 jeans and we wereable to get them for $14.
See, that's how I help you.
See, all these, all these, youalways be like how do you, how
do you help me?
That's how I helped you.
I saved you money.

Speaker 2 (06:03):
I was able to get her four pairs of pants in total.
Okay, because then you applygirl math and you say, well, I
saved the money here, so now Ican go buy me something but that
is still savings, because I wasstill able to get more for my
money.

Speaker 1 (06:15):
My week was cool um nothing to report nothing to
report oh except that you, your,uh, you're in your cutoff shirt
era.
Now you're going into your gymcutoff shirt era.

Speaker 2 (06:29):
I'm about to be in my fishnet, uh, my fishnet tonight
.

Speaker 1 (06:32):
So he, he's had me, he's had me cut off his sleeves
for his gym shirts.
And then what did you ask melast night?
Cut this one a little deeper,cause I don't mind them seeing a
little side, a little sidetitty.
A little side titty never hurtnobody.
Side titty is diabolical.
Stick a little bit A littleside titty.
So now you want them to see alittle side titty.

(06:53):
Hey look here.

Speaker 2 (06:55):
Nipples has encouraged me.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
Okay, she shouldn't have.
She made me order something sheshouldn't have.
That's why I said you shouldjust get the ones.
I could cut it all the way downto the side so your whole side
can be out I don't know aboutthat you don't want to do that,
because once you start cuttinginward and showing side boob,
you may as well just do a tanktop.

Speaker 2 (07:18):
But tank tops aren't open on the side.

Speaker 1 (07:20):
No, but you can do a tank top and then we can cut it
all the way down so it lookslike it's just draped over you,
so they can really seeeverything that you got going on
.
It's cool.

Speaker 2 (07:28):
My week was cool Testosterone levels are solid.
Energy has been the same acrossthe board.

Speaker 1 (07:34):
Anybody need to know your testosterone levels.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
No, no, no major influxation of the hormones.
I've been steady.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
Oh, okay, for the most part, that's usually how
you live your life, yeah.

Speaker 2 (07:47):
It's great on this side.
Yeah, I don't know what youwomen be going through.
Why are you?

Speaker 1 (07:51):
trying to take a stab at me.

Speaker 2 (07:52):
I don't know what you women be going through.

Speaker 1 (07:54):
Life.
Give me life, life.
Wait, did you see Cam on stagein the video and he was like
Never had my wife ever said no,he was like we just gonna act
like women, don't be goingthrough life doing everyday
activities, bleeding profusely.
He was like he said everythingshe's doing.
I saw it.

Speaker 2 (08:13):
But I didn't like it because I was like I don't care
about these women, I'm justplaying really really.
I mean he was thinking aboutyou know.

Speaker 1 (08:23):
I love Kevin.
He be hitting 9 out of 10.
I love him.
I love him.
Shout out to Kevin on stage andMelissa is hilarious.
I love him.
I love Melissa.
They work great together.
I love those two.
They work great.
I love those two so what we got?
Today.
I don't know what we have todayyou're taking the lead today.
Wait a minute before we start,okay, because I don't know.
I just want to If anybody, didanybody see that high-speed

(08:46):
chase that was happening?
Okay, first of all, no, thatwas happening.
They were out there in the samearea.
Listen, it was in the LosAngeles area, it was on the 5
Freeway.
Okay, okay, they hijacked a bigrig.
I have never seen anyone hijacka big rig in the middle of the
freeway.

(09:07):
They hijacked a pickup truckfirst at gunpoint.
Then they were on the freewaygoing the opposite way, pulled
over, tried to hijack anothertruck.
The driver didn't get out.
Then they found a big rig.
The truck driver said, oh hell,no.
As soon as he saw that gun.
As soon as he saw that gun, hesaid you can have it.
He.
All you see is him just like,hop out.

(09:28):
And he like, literally like,books it across the freeway.
They take the big rig, theytake the police officers on on
the chase or whatever, and thenthey somehow get under like a
freeway bridge, like the past orwhatever, and then they get out
, take another car and thepolice lost them.
And then I wake up the nextmorning because I'm like, of

(09:52):
course it's going to be on thenews in the morning.
Let me see if they got.
They still looking for them.
I said they didn't got away.
How did you get away from ahigh speed chase?
That's crazy work.
That's crazy work.

Speaker 2 (10:06):
I just want to know if y'all do that Now that she's
done interjecting ourconversation.
People, Goodness.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
Because it's on my mind, because it's baffling that
they got away.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
I'm supposed to be on your mind.
You're always on my mind.

Speaker 1 (10:16):
Shout out SWV DeMille .
What do we we're?

Speaker 2 (10:21):
going to talk about balancing the we and the me.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
Oh, that's easy.
I just you just avoid.
I just I just take the we and Iput us to the side, like that,
and then I get the me and then Iput it in yeah, all the time,
no, I don't, you're such a jerk.
All the time.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
You're such a jerk.
We're going to talk aboutstaying connected without losing
yourself.
Now which?

Speaker 1 (10:45):
is it's a really tough juggling act.
It is, it really is it's atough juggling act.

Speaker 2 (10:51):
It really is Because I think we've had times in our
relationship and marriage wherewe were so in one another that
we started to Neglect ourselvesindividually Exactly.
And I think this is somethingthat um a lot of people go
through.
I think this is a worthy topic.
What do you think?

Speaker 1 (11:12):
a worthy topic.
I think it's something thatespecially people who've been in
extremely long-termrelationships can really
identify with Struggling.
Are you done?
Are you done?

Speaker 2 (11:29):
We've been through the thick and the thin.

Speaker 1 (11:32):
Are you done?

Speaker 2 (11:33):
The thick and the thin.
I can't with you.

Speaker 1 (11:36):
No, but in all seriousness, yes, it is.
It can be like a balancing act,trying to juggle between your
own personal aspirations andgoals and missions and still
being a part of a team and beinga part of a partnership and
having to consider anotherperson.
Um, because you can't just be,you can't just be selfish in all

(12:00):
of your decision making.
I mean you can, you, you can,but I wouldn't advise it, right?
You mean you can, you can, butI mean I wouldn't advise it.
Right, you can, but you can't.
But yeah, but I think that Ialso think it's situational when
it comes to achieving, like,personal goals, when it comes to
chasing certain careers.
You know what I mean.
But I also think that whenchoosing a partner that's why

(12:26):
choosing a good balance and apartner comes in handy right,
because what if you havesomebody who's extremely
goal-oriented, somebody who'sextremely career-oriented, and
then you have someone who is,like, really clingy and doesn't
want you spending so much time?

(12:47):
with somebody else Well, notjust somebody else, but you know
.
You know what it takes to chasea goal or to try to chase a
career.
You know what I'm saying.
It can take a lot of time,energy and effort, and then
other people can start feelingneglected.
If you have somebody who isextremely, let's just say clingy
, If you have somebody who isextremely, let's just say clingy
, and they just like, all you dois study or all you do is work.

Speaker 2 (13:09):
Let me tell y'all something when this one right
here worked, all she did waswork.
She didn't have no husband, ohmy gosh.
She barely had a family, really.
She was married to that job, ohmy gosh.
That's why I was really really,really shocked when she was
like I'm gonna stay home.
I said, I said you are, I was.

(13:30):
I was saying, I said this isleft field.
I didn't.
I didn't wasn't expecting thisgood you were.
You've always been so likedriven and like goal oriented to
a point where, like you hadlike it's tunnel vision you had
like these, these milestones,set for yourself that you were
just determined here and I waslike I'm gonna stand beside her
because why she got?
She has a direct path and I'mout here.
What's?

Speaker 1 (13:51):
on the menu today.
Bye, but.
But I will say you also hadtimes where you're like, hey
don't forget, like I'm here, I'mhere, your kid is here.
Like when you come home,there's people here, we here.
In my mind I'm like, but didy'all eat?
Okay?
You good, y'all not like sickor nothing.

(14:12):
You good, okay.

Speaker 2 (14:13):
Well, I'm going to go .

Speaker 1 (14:14):
I'm going to go to the office and just get into
these emails because that'llgive me a jumpstart.
She gave us no emotionalsupport whatsoever.
Really, I'm just saying what Isaid Goodbye, but yeah.
So I mean, like I said, goingback to the balancing act, that
is a balancing act and for mepersonally, trying to figure out
how I could have my own selfautonomy when it came to like

(14:39):
chasing promotions or working oryou know, career things
whatever and trying to have afamily life and be a supportive
wife and be a present mom it isa, it's a juggling act.
However, I do think that it'sextremely important that you
know I maintain my own type ofindependence and autonomy and

(15:02):
maintain I never stopped youfrom doing that.
Yeah, I know, but what I'msaying is is I feel like,
especially especially as we'vegotten older, I'm now starting
to see through life experiencehow important it is, because I
think I think a lot of ithappens to like.
There's a lot that happens asyou get older.
Your perspective changes andyour needs change, as we've

(15:23):
talked about so many times.
But I think as I'm gettingolder, I'm able to really see
why and how it's important forme to like have kinesia.
It's important for me to havethings are just for me.
It's important for me Stop it.

(15:45):
It's important for me to havethings are just for me.
It's important for me Stop it.
It's important for me to likehave my own identity amongst our
relationship, and I think it'sbeneficial to you too.
Yeah, cause sometimes youoverwhelming.

Speaker 2 (15:55):
Okay, sometimes you, sometimes you stop it.

Speaker 1 (15:59):
And then sometimes stop it, let me get, let me get
it off.

Speaker 2 (16:03):
And then sometimes you, you be so independent, I'll
be like I am here, like youneed some help.
I do, but not right now that'swhat you say.

Speaker 1 (16:11):
I'm good right now, but just if you, if you're right
there, like as long as I knowyou're there you'd be like, babe
, I got it.

Speaker 2 (16:18):
But then when you're like you know something, you
know, like like yesterday, rightYesterday, prime example.

Speaker 1 (16:25):
Now I get up and I make breakfast like probably
what?

Speaker 2 (16:33):
Six days out of seven for the family.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
Ok, and yesterday I just I did not have it in me.

Speaker 2 (16:39):
And I chose.

Speaker 1 (16:40):
I chose how I was feeling over making breakfast
and you were like hey, so like.

Speaker 2 (16:47):
Are you cooking breakfast?

Speaker 1 (16:48):
And I was like I'm not.
I literally I told him I waslike I'm not cooking breakfast.
You can either cook breakfastor bring something home, but I'm
not going to cook breakfasttoday because I'm going to lay
right here in this bed becausethat's what my body feels like
doing and I just don't Like forno other reason other than I
just don't feel like doing it.
So I'm not going to do it andI'm not going to feel guilty for

(17:09):
not feeling like doing it,because I know it's something
that I do every single day.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
Yeah, I'm not going to comment on this because of
what I have to do every day,without you know, listen, that
is fine, that's fine.

Speaker 1 (17:22):
Okay, it's fine.

Speaker 2 (17:28):
But you know like they still ate yeah, I mean so
point made yeah, point made Isaid oh she, oh she, rebelling
today really she's rebelling.

Speaker 1 (17:36):
Today we gonna say I'm gonna rebel too.
Okay, goodbye, you better, youbetter re-up your bells.

Speaker 2 (17:43):
So let me ask you this what's your take on?
If you don't know who you are,if you don't know yourself, you
can disappear in a relationship.

Speaker 1 (17:52):
Absolutely.
You can also take on theidentity and traits of your
partner.

Speaker 2 (18:00):
Don't you think?

Speaker 1 (18:01):
you naturally start to take on some traits you
naturally do, because I'venoticed that in myself.
You talk like me.
Now, that is not, that's not no, you talk like me.
You be saying my lingo Any who?
Yeah, buddy, yes, you can,because if you don't try to
figure out your hobbies, thethings you like, the things you

(18:23):
want to do, things that make upyour personality, you will.
It's natural.
This is a person that you spenda lot of time with, a lot Right
, so their ideas, their viewsstart to impede on you their
goals, their aspirations.
Everything, everything starts tobleed together, views start to
impede on you goals oraspirations, every, everything,
everything, everything together,and that's.
But that here's the thing.
That's not necessarily a badthing.

(18:45):
It depends on what they are.
It could depend on what theyare, but if you feel like you
can't identify things that areof you or for you outside of
your partner, then that's where,I think, comes the issue.
You know what I mean.
Like, if you can't imaginethings that you enjoy doing that
doesn't include your partner.

(19:06):
I mean, I don't think it's likea terrible problem, but I think
it's worth looking into.
Like, what are the hobbies thatyou like?
What are some of the goals thatyou would have if you weren't
in the relationship?
Like, if you had to be out here,because I think about it that
way, if I had to be out here inlife, doing life by myself, like
if I wasn't, if I was at thisage, at this stage of the game,

(19:26):
and I didn't have you, I wasn'tin a relationship, how would I
be living my life?
Obviously, it would becompletely different because I
would be a single woman.
But as far as the goals that Iwould have for myself, as far as
the type of hobbies that Iwould enjoy doing, like what
would that look like, you know,and how would I be going about
pursuing those things?
Basically, like what does myidentity, what do I look like

(19:50):
outside of being a wife and amother that are enjoyable for
that, are enjoyable for me, thatmake up who I am Right.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
Well, I mean, I think I agree with everything you
said.
Let me start there.
But I also, like, I think likeone thing I had to learn, um,
because I do think that I wentthrough a period where I lost
myself and I was just so focusedon being the provider, right,
so I had to learn that you knowthat role it's not just my

(20:23):
identity, it's a part of what Ido, but it's not and that was
something for me personally thatwas really hard for me to do
because, like I always tell you,like, even like to this day,
it's hard when I like I knowthat I occasionally like I'll
buy myself something or I'lltreat myself to something, but I
always have that thought, likewhat am I taking from the family
?
And I try to like conditionmyself not to think that way,

(20:46):
because I also feel like I feellike I'm not going to learn.
I feel like you deserve it, likeI deserve it, like, okay, like,
okay.
Like there's a controller Iwant, I feel like I deserve it.
There's fuck, I deserve it.
There's a, there's a pair ofshoes on.
Like I can't always, I can'talways put myself um on the back
burner for the needs of thefamily.

(21:07):
Now, granted, I'm not going tojeopardize the needs of the
family, but when I, when I amable to do a little extra for
myself, I'm working on notfeeling bad for doing it.

Speaker 1 (21:19):
And you shouldn't.
But like when I hear you saythat for me what I hear is that
you're, I hear like there's alimiting thought process,
because when I, when I hear likeyou say like, oh yeah, I want a
new controller and I should beable to get my controller and I
deserve it, it shouldn't even bea thought Like if you, I know,

(21:46):
I know.
But what I'm saying is is likewe've had this discussion right
before where I've always said,um, where I would ask you, I've
never outspent your paycheck,right, I've never outspent like
the you want to try by.
I've never outspent like yourpaycheck.
I've never outspent like yourpaycheck.
I've never outspent like yourbudget.
And my way of thinking ofthings is is, if I know that,
like, if I know what's there, ifI know that like everything is

(22:09):
taken care of and it's not goingto jeopardize anything, I don't
think twice about it, I justget it.
Oh, okay, right, and I know forour perspectives about that is
different bands.
I know our perspectives about me.
Different man, I know ourperspectives about it's
completely different man, I knowbecause you're the one who sits
there and crunches numbers andyou're the one who's out there
getting the money to pay forthese things, and I'm on the

(22:31):
opposite end of that.

Speaker 2 (22:32):
but I think you think about what we have like.
So this is just.
I could be wrong.
Tell me if I'm wrong.
I think you look at it as like,since I get paid weekly like,
is there enough to covereverything this week?

Speaker 1 (22:45):
Oh no, I don't think about it that way, you don't.
I don't, because I've beenthinking about it, because we're
in August.
I know you're thinking aboutfar out.

Speaker 2 (22:52):
I'm thinking about Christmas already, I know.

Speaker 1 (23:00):
But when we sit down and you show me the Excel
spreadsheet, you already have itthere on the Excel spreadsheet
and I can see the things thatare coming up.
I can see the things thatyou've already have planned for,
so I can see that far out,right.
And then I also know that ifyou haven't communicated to me
where you're saying, hey, I needyou to slow down, like this
month, on your spending, or Ineed, or like next month, I need
you to like really be cautiousof what you're like spending,

(23:22):
then of course I'm just like nah, because I see the same Excel
spreadsheet and I see thenumbers and I see what's coming
up, you know.
So you're looking at the samenumbers, you're looking at the
same numbers.
So I don't I just I for me,personally, I just feel like
when it comes to things likethat, there, there, there

(23:45):
shouldn't be this whole dialoguethat's happening in your head
Whether or not you deserve tobuy yourself something as small
as a controller, even if it isan expensive controller.
You know what.
I mean I just feel like, ok, ifyou want to buy it, just buy it.
Like I'm not going to.
I'm not going to go sit at thedesk in the office and look
through the Excel spreadsheetand be like, why was the budget

(24:06):
over two hundred dollars thatweek Because he bought a damn
controller.
Like I'm not, I'm just notgoing to do that.
So I lock my computer down.
Bye, I'm just, I'm just notgoing to do that.
You know what I mean.
So, but I do think it also goesback to, yes, making yourself a
priority sometimes.
Right, so you are, you are afinancial provider of the

(24:29):
household.
You do see things through adifferent lens.
Ok, I get that.
But I think you, like you'vetaken, like you were talking
about, it's not just all of yourpersonality.
You, like you've taken, likeyou were talking about, it's not
just all of your personality.
And I think that's where thatinner dialogue comes from when
it comes to even just makingsimple purchases for yourself,
because you have made it likeyour identity and you've made it

(24:50):
such a priority in your lifethat it has, yes, that it that
you now have to call intoquestion simple things for
yourself, which is, you said,you give me the okay to drop the
bag of myself.
Look here listen, let me load upmy amazon cart.
Okay, goodbye, but but you'vetaken so much of it on as your

(25:10):
personality that now it'screated like this inner dialogue
of guilt when you do try to doeven something so simple as
buying yourself a controller youknow what I mean that it brings
up, like the support it's.
I can kind of relate to that inthe sense of, like the mom
guilt you know what I'm sayingLike when it's something that I

(25:31):
want to prioritize me doing, butshe like wants to play, or she
wants to go outside and ridebikes, or she wants, because at
any given moment she'll come upto me and be like, oh, oh, I
would love somebody to play withmom and I'll drop what I'm
doing and I'm like, let's do it.
You know, like let's do it.
But the other day, like you know, in recent times I have really

(25:51):
been trying to prioritize likemy, my workout times and things
that I need to get done for mephysically, right.
So I needed to get on thetreadmill and I couldn't go to
the gym.
But I was like I have atreadmill at home, I need to at
least get on my treadmill for anhour.
But she wanted to play.
She wanted to go outside, shewanted to ride bikes, and
usually I'm just like OK, let mestop, because she's needing my

(26:12):
attention, she wants to play.
That's my daughter and I wouldfeel you know, feel bad, but
it's like now, I'm not trying tobe, I don't want to shortchange
myself, which in in, in the end, shortchanges you guys, because
then if I would have told herlike, hey, no, um, you know, let
let me go ahead and play withyou instead of getting on my
treadmill, that would have notput me in a good mood, because

(26:35):
now I couldn't get done what Iwanted to get done, cause if I
go out there and do all thethings that you want to do, I'm
going to feel too tired to dothe things that I needed to do.
So I had to prioritize myselfand say, hey, we can play, but
we can do it in an hour, becausethis is what I have to do for
myself right now.
You know what I'm saying andnot feeling guilty for saying no

(26:58):
, and not feeling guilty forprioritizing me, because that's
exactly what I was doing.
I was prioritizing me.
You know what I'm saying, so Ican understand that.
But, like I said, as time hasgone on and through experience
as we're getting into,especially going into these 40s

(27:18):
it's really important to notonly set boundaries with people,
but it's important to setboundaries for yourself.
Okay and making sure that youhave time, space and energy for
yourself only helps those aroundyou, because the more I try to
prioritize myself and takingcare of myself and making sure
I'm okay, making sure like Ihave a joyous heart.

(27:41):
The more pleasant theinteraction the more exactly you
know what I mean, and it and itdoesn't have to be you being
selfish, but you being self fullShouts out to you Nyala Cause,
that like that.
That was, that was a gamechanger for me, but it's true.
Goodbye.
Game changer for me, but it'strue.

(28:02):
Fully yourself, goodbye, butit's true and it but it's not.
I see, the thing is it's notlike in a way where you're
constantly a me, me, me, me, me,me, me.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (28:07):
It's not like that no , it's, it's like I've I've
poured into the family.

Speaker 1 (28:12):
Now let me right like , let me pour into myself, but
that doesn't mean that everysingle, every single interaction
or every time something thatcomes up and it's something that
you want to do or something youneed to take care of like you
really have to.
It's situational and you haveto know when to be selfful and
when to have set a boundary.

Speaker 2 (28:31):
You have to know exactly how much you can get
before it's required for you tostart taking.

Speaker 1 (28:35):
Right, because, like you know, I think about even
just with my weight gain overthe past few years, or even
become like a stay at home mom.
I had started to pour so muchof my time and energy into
making sure that you hadeverything that you need, that
she has everything you need andbeing of service to you guys and
being of service to our home,that everything else was put on

(28:57):
the back burner.
You know what I'm saying?
Like yeah, I would like thatfirst year.
It's like, oh, 20 pounds, ok,like whatever, like I'm at home,
and then it's like I would gowork out, and then I would stop
working out.

Speaker 2 (29:08):
I would go work out, I would stop working out, I
would eat right, then I stopeating right, and then it's like
point where you're just like,oh damn, that's one thing that I
think that's the biggest shiftin us in the last year is like I
think both of us might know ifwe we can't go because we gotta

(29:28):
go to the gym yeah, right, right, or if it impedes, or if it
impedes on our, um, you know,like the gym time.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
So like last year when I mean the, I guess was
that the year prior yeah, thethe year prior I had a trainer.
I was going to the gymregularly, was I not?
I was on it.
Then we had some family issuesthat came up, where we ended up
having to take in my great-nieceand that completely threw

(29:55):
everything off, because I wentfrom having a schedule where I
had the time to be at the gym.

Speaker 2 (30:01):
I had the accent and I wasn't working Right, Exactly
so right.

Speaker 1 (30:05):
So it's like a lot of life happened.
You know what I mean.
And so, like this time round,when certain things come up,
it's like, yes, I can be, I canbe of service to this extent,
but I can't be of service towhere it causes me to have to
completely neglect what it isthat I'm trying to do.
You know, like, if I can, if Ican fit this in around me,

(30:27):
accomplishing my goals that Iwant to do, also, perfect, I can
do it.
I can be a team player, let meknow, let me know what you need.
But if it's going to put me ina situation where I'm going to
be neglectful to myself not justputting myself on the back
burner, but neglectful to myselfthen I have to set a boundary
somewhere around that.

(30:47):
And this is what I can do, likeI can let you know what I can
do and then you can tell me ifthat fits into.

Speaker 2 (30:54):
You know what the help you need or not, because it
says this, says this, it saysmy needs don't't, don't compete
with hers.
They accomplish a company.
They compliment them.
Oh, compliment, right.
And I think what you're talkingabout, I think that I think
that goes hand in hand.
We both had it.
We both had this, this drive toget healthier, to get fit.

Speaker 1 (31:13):
Right.

Speaker 2 (31:14):
Right.
So we both had the same goal,so we both started working
towards this goal together, andnow it's become a thing to where
it's like.
Since we're both like soheavily invested, we understand.

Speaker 1 (31:25):
Right, we understand.
We have an understanding ofeach other Now.

Speaker 2 (31:27):
I don't understand why it take you three hours some
days because you be talking.
You be in there talking.
I'm a social butterfly.
But we know that, like okay, ifwe go to the gym, it's going to
be at least two hours.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it'sgoing to be an hour, hour and a
half to get through the workout,right, and we're going to throw
some cardio in there.

Speaker 1 (31:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (31:46):
And Lord, if you ain't got nothing to do, you're
going to hit the sun in themassage chairs and everything
else.

Speaker 1 (31:49):
I do everything.
I try to take advantage of allof the things that I pay for
each month.

Speaker 2 (31:56):
But I do think that what you're saying, that all
that is important, and I feellike we've done a good job,
especially over the course ofthis last year, of complementing
each other in pursuit of ourown individual goals.
Like I said, you're on yourpower lifting arc.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
That's what you're doing you big swole, you big
swole big swole, what a pinchyhip right now and I, and, like I
told overalls, I just don'twant to be fat, no more, I just
got tired of being fat but yeah,so, and that kind of goes into

(32:37):
being able to celebrate eachother's wins without feeling
threatened, right, and we'vetalked about it before, where
you could have one partner who'son a journey that the other
partner is not on, and how itcan make them feel left out,
right, and that again ties backinto balancing the we and the me

(32:58):
, back into balancing the we andthe me, right.
So how do you?
How do you, because how do youstay connected to a partner that
is on an independent journey?
Well, I mean, without feelinglike you're being neglected and
without you being defensive butit's like we're on the same
journey, we're just takingdifferent paths.
But that's what I'm saying, thatin that aspect of, like the
fitness, that is where thatworks, because we're both on the

(33:22):
same journey but takingdifferent paths.

Speaker 2 (33:26):
But here's my thing, here's my thing.
Me personally, I've always beenthe kind of person or I've
always tried to be the kind ofpart of, the kind of husband
that would just celebrateanything that you're into, right
?
Unless I just thought it waslike mad, crazy, like skydiving,
I would celebrate it so like ifyou had an interest into it, I
would back you a hundred percent, lord knows regardless of how

(33:48):
you feel about it, though, okaydo you not see all the craft
supplies?

Speaker 1 (33:51):
I've bought all the machines.
They were just no, I'm talkingabout in the aspect of um hat,
if you felt left out or if youfelt the thing is is that I
don't feel left out.

Speaker 2 (34:05):
I never feel left out .
Even when you pursue somethingthat I'm not interested in, I
don't feel left out.

Speaker 1 (34:09):
OK.

Speaker 2 (34:09):
Because I always feel as if I get to view something
through your eyes.
Ok, I feel like I don't feelleft out, because I'm included
through your happiness, becauseyour happiness then turn and
makes our relationship better,which makes you more inclined to
do the things I want to do.

Speaker 1 (34:25):
Oh my gosh, you know he just winked.

Speaker 2 (34:29):
In case you guys missed that so, even when I'm
not necessarily involved orgoing down the same path as you,
as long as I, I understand, aslong as I champion you, as long
as you're not hurting yourself,if I champion you and you're
you're, you're thriving overthere and you're happy, that
energy is going to come back tome tenfold Right.
So I never feel like I'm leftout, I feel like I'm investing
in future endeavors.

Speaker 1 (34:50):
Okay.
But if okay, that's us.
But if you are in a situationwhere you have a partner who is
on an independent path, that'shard.

Speaker 2 (35:00):
That's hard, right, and that's why I understand like
I don't know why, but I keepgetting like like when I come
across the TikToks and stuffwhere it's like I can't be with
somebody who don't go to the gym, because it is one of those
things where you have toactually be active in the gym to
understand why does it take youso long at the gym?

Speaker 1 (35:17):
Right and that's.
But that's fine, it's one ofthose things, right, that's a
person who's already been likein that journey.
But let's say we have, if there,if there is a couple who, for
the most part, the first fiveyears of a relationship,
everything has been greatbecause it felt as though we
have been moving in the rightdirection, right.
But, like I continue to say, asyou grow, as you experience life

(35:40):
, as you have certain situationsthat come up in life that
change your perspective, thatchange about how you move, that
changes your thought process,and then just your thought
process through the decades willchange, right.
So will your needs, yourinterests, your hobbies all of
those things change.
So when you have couples whohave been together for, you know

(36:04):
, a decade or even longer, andthen you have someone who
decides to pick up a new hobby,or you have somebody who decides
to want to go on, you know, ona self-healing journey, right.
And now they're doing all ofthese things that don't

(36:33):
necessarily include theirpartner, because the whole
purpose of the journey is for meto discover myself, is for me
to get back to a baseline ofwhere I can feel joy, of where I
can feel a little bit morecomplete, where I can feel like
I have mental clarity, and sonow they're going to therapy or
they're working out or they're,you know, experiencing their
hobbies or hanging out withtheir friends or doing all the
things that they didn'tnecessarily do in the past
decade, and now you have apartner who sees their partner
doing all these things.
But it doesn't include them.

Speaker 2 (36:53):
Okay, that can go one or two ways in my mind.
You can either motivate yourpartner to join along, because a
lot of times you have some likeI say.
Like, when it comes to healingand growth, all paths are
different.
Nothing's linear Right.
So I may be on this trajectoryhere where I'm steady climbing,

(37:14):
but my partner is content wherethey are Right, and so it's.
Either you're going to run intothe thing where, even if I'm
growing and I make attempts toreach back and bring my partner
with me, if they're notreceptive to that because
they're just, they're happywhere they are, that's going to
cause some type of tension,because they can feel like, oh,

(37:37):
you're not, we don't.
Well, we used to do this.

Speaker 1 (37:38):
Well, I don't want that anymore.

Speaker 2 (37:40):
I want something better now.

Speaker 1 (37:41):
Like we used to go for ice cream after dinner all
the time.
Okay, well, that's not in mytestimony anymore, because I'm
trying to do better.

Speaker 2 (37:47):
Right, right, so, but it's like and so like for me,
personally, I think, with thingslike that, like, okay, like
there's been times when we'vegone to yoga land, like, oh, we

(38:07):
always go yoga land.
Okay, I don't want yoga land,yeah, but I'll still take you,
yeah, and I just, I just won'tget anything, yeah, but I know
for some people they would belike you know well, why are you
not?

Speaker 1 (38:09):
yeah, now you're leaving me out to look like the
fat ass sitting there eating icecream by myself because you
don't want to eat the ice creamanymore.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
But that's not my at all.
My intentions is to maintainthe status quo that's been there
, but at the same time, be, trueto your goals.

Speaker 1 (38:24):
I think, I think okay , yes.

Speaker 2 (38:26):
But also I would tell them that you know that the
ambition is not a threat.

Speaker 1 (38:32):
Yeah, me bettering myself is not me trying to say
I'm better than you, because Ithink that's what it comes off
as it's like now.

Speaker 2 (38:40):
you think you're better than me because you're
trying to better yourself.
That's not even like justrelationship, that's also
friendships.
Yeah, it's like I'm not tryingto say I'm better than you.
I'm just saying that I'm nothappy where I was Right right
and.
I'm trying to get to where Isee myself, yeah.

Speaker 1 (38:54):
But you were comfortable with where I was
because it didn't threatenanything about yourself and it
didn't threaten you.
It didn't threaten any of yourown insecurities and that's the
only reason why it comes up.
But to go back to um, like thethe whole partner situation, I
think it could also be like youcould also maybe reframe that.

(39:14):
So, instead of saying like, ifI'm reaching back to try to pull
you up, what if the partner islike they're comfortable with
where they are, they'recomfortable with the hobbies
that they enjoy, like there'snothing that they feel that they
need to change drastically,right, you can be inclusive.
Or you can be accommodating andsaying like, look, because

(39:39):
I'm'm doing this, I still like alittle bit of reassurance.
I'm doing this, but I need youto know that I'm doing this for
me, for us, right, I'm doingthis so that I can be a better
version of myself for you, andwhat I'm going to encourage you
to do, I'm going to encourageyou to do the same for yourself.
So, like how you feel, likesometimes you didn't have enough
time to go out and hang outwith your friends, I want you to

(40:01):
schedule time with your friends, I want you to go to the movies
and see the things that youlike.

Speaker 2 (40:05):
Sometimes I want you to have friends.

Speaker 1 (40:09):
That too, that too, yeah, like I want.
But I think it's just thatreassurance part, because nobody
wants to feel like they'rebeing left behind.

Speaker 2 (40:18):
That's it.
So that's what it is.
Yeah, I don't yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:20):
Because I've signed.
I've signed up for this type ofstructure of relationship, for
the security purpose that I willhave a lifetime partner until
death.
Do us part Right.
So if any other little minorthings come in or like major
life happenings, that causes youto go off onto a course that
doesn't include me, like justyou reassuring me to to say I am

(40:47):
still here, it is still us.
This is something I just needto do so that I can be better
for us, and this is what I'mgoing to encourage you to do.
I think we'll go a long way.
But if you're just the typewhere it's like I'm just going
to go off on my thing and likewhat, I'm sitting here,
progressing, I'm hitting the gym, I'm doing this, I'm doing that
and you still ain't doingnothing, then yeah, like that's
how you grow apart.
There is a way to grow together.

(41:08):
You know what I'm saying?
Like a relationship has itsebbs and its flows and I feel
like each decade bringssomething different.
But that's where thecommunication comes from, that's
where the reassurance comesfrom, that's where you have to
actively and be intentful on howyou're choosing to move on, how
you're choosing to like liveyour life not only independently

(41:28):
, but live your life, as youknow, as a couple.
That's how you distinguish theme and the we.
You can still have a little bitof me, but knowing that at the
end of the day we are one.
You know what I'm saying.
Like we are we are together.
So just reassuring your partnerthat they are not being left
behind, reassuring your partnerthat this is something that I

(41:49):
need to do for myself, becauseI'm tired of.
I'm tired of listening to myown complaints Like you know
what I'm saying, like that, thatthat was me.
Like I'm just tired oflistening to myself complain
about the things that I don'tlike, and if I'm not going to
change them, then what's thepoint?

Speaker 2 (42:08):
And the thing is like a lot of times, you know, I do
feel like that once, once onepartner starts to grow, it kind
of trickles down, it kind oflike inspires and motivates the
other one, right, it can, it canor it can do the complete
opposite.
Okay, I'm some more healthyrelationships.
Bye.
It can do the opposite because,like well, like it can do the

(42:34):
opposite because if you're withsomeone and you know that's just
be honest about the situation.
Babe, some people have nodesire to change, that's true,
and they're completelycomfortable.
That's true, and they just feellike you should love me as I am
and deal with who I am,regardless of the effects that
it's taking on you, right?

Speaker 1 (42:52):
Okay.
Do you think that's bad?

Speaker 2 (42:55):
It's not bad because that's how they feel.
Okay, but then what?
My issue is that if they saythat and their partner now sets
boundaries, now they feel likethey're being no, it's like, but
I think that's natural.
I think it's natural foreveryone to have boundaries.
Okay, you know what.
I'm saying so it's like.
It's like you can't.
I'm not making you out to beany less of a person by

(43:20):
expecting you to do something,by requiring you to do something
.

Speaker 1 (43:23):
The requiring is Okay .
Hold on Requiring.

Speaker 2 (43:26):
It's not wild, it's not wild.
Especially if I'm requiring youto do something that will
benefit you and then uscollectively as a whole right.
If I'm just saying, I'm notsaying like, let's just say but
I think maybe requiring is adifferent.
I mean, I'm not saying like,let's just say but I think maybe
requiring is a different.
I mean, I'm going to saybecause on the opposite end of
hearing, that if you tell melike oh, I'm requiring you to do

(43:46):
this.
I'll say requesting, okay.
So, and it's like if I'm justrequesting you, if I'm going to
take care of A, b, and I'm justrequesting you, dan will see,
Okay, right, I don't think thatthat's Asking too much.
Asking too much.

Speaker 1 (44:05):
Okay, Unless it's something outside Right their
wheelhouse maybe.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
Yeah, I'm not talking about asking them to bring
somebody else in.

Speaker 1 (44:13):
Oh my gosh, that's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (44:15):
But I do feel like that, for the most part, the
growth of one inspires growth inthe other one.
Yeah, and then you get into asituation where you can now both
share joy in each other's wins.
It's kind of like when you'relike, hey, babe, I had a new PR
today and I'm like that's mygirl, and they're getting it.

(44:35):
Yeah, buddy.
And I'm like, hey, babe, lookat me Asking fat.

Speaker 1 (44:45):
Every day you try to get me to confirm before he gets
in the shower.
He he's like babe, my ass isfat.
And I tell him it's gettingthere, babe, it's getting there.

Speaker 2 (44:59):
It's getting there.
But I feel like, but also likewhen both parties are are are
fulfilled, are are fulfilled,it's fewer resentments, right,
yeah, because if we're both, ifwe're both on our journeys,
whether together or separately,and we're both hitting our
markers and we're both seceding,it's like we're both, we're

(45:20):
both winning in our own way.
Yeah, right, so now I'm notlooking back like, oh man, I
can't be like, oh well, man, I'mout here by myself, I'm not
doing it.
Now I have something tocelebrate, you have something to
celebrate.
Now we can celebrate togetherand that's also like.
I think that also makes therelationship strong, because now

(45:41):
, when we get together, at theend of the day, now we have
something to discuss.
Right, and I think that's a bigthing too, because Lord knows
like when you've been togetherfor as long as we have, is like
we don't hurt every story.
We not sit two or three, fourtimes Bye.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 (45:57):
I got my five that I keep in rotation.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
Every tale has been told.
You know what I'm saying.
And now most of the new storiesinvolve both of us, so it's not
like we can talk about becausewe both experience it at the
same time.

Speaker 1 (46:08):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:08):
So, having these different paths and experience
these different things, itallows us to socialize more and
actually have something to talkabout and enjoy, and enjoy.
Yeah, outside of the normal,normal.
How was work?
How was?

Speaker 1 (46:22):
the kid the she needs such and such for school.

Speaker 2 (46:24):
We gotta do this we don't have to do the mundane
depressive talks yeah, I meanthey still happen, but yeah,
because they have to, becausethey have to and I do think that
, like, once you start, onceeach person starts to down their
path and on their journey andthey're starting to really
identify who they are again andfind their passions and all that

(46:47):
stuff, they become stronger,they become more self-aware and
I think for us personally Ithink this is very, very true
the problem solving becomes alot easier, because now that,
once you become more self-awarelike I know for me personally,
now that I'm more self-aware, Ican, I, I see where I was wrong
a lot easier, because now that,once you become more self-aware
like I know for me personally,now that I'm more self-aware I
can I, I see where I was wrong alot easier now than I did
before that's a goodself-revelation.

Speaker 1 (47:09):
That's it.
That's a good self-revelation.
I'm, I didn't come for you, I'mjust right.
You know, I'm just surprised bythat statement, that's all.

Speaker 2 (47:18):
That was a good self-revelation and I also I
feel like and another, I thinkanother like sub-benefit to what
we're doing, like, the more Isee it in both of us, like the
more we continue down our healthjourney, the more we like, the
more the LBs are dropping off.
I see like, I see ourconfidence and I see us like
evolving, like I feel like we'regetting like I don't want to

(47:40):
say we're getting our grooveback, because I ain't never lost
it.

Speaker 1 (47:44):
He's no Stella.
He don't got to get it back,right.

Speaker 2 (47:48):
Never so.
But I do feel like I don't know, like I I know for me, I don't
know if it's the same for you,but I know like every day, like
I can say, like there hasn'tbeen a day in the last, like I
would say the last four or fivemonths, where I didn't like
actually like the person I sawin the mirror right, and I think

(48:08):
that by discovering myself, ithas led me to that situation and
I do think that the family as awhole has benefited, because I
do think I'm a little bit morepleasant to be around now than I
was like okay.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
I'm just teasing, no, it's, it's been.
It's been a joy to watch you,um, feel yourself again, cause
it's I mean every day, like Imean it might be a little bit
too much at this point.
Cause the first.

Speaker 2 (48:40):
So it's cool when you do it.

Speaker 1 (48:42):
It's a problem when I do it.
It's a problem when you do it.
Yeah, no, it's been really goodto watch you be confident in
yourself.
It's been really nice to.
I'm going to take this shirtoff.

Speaker 2 (48:51):
You're going to see these titties, my C's are A's.

Speaker 1 (48:56):
You don't see these cities, my C's are A's, and then
, like your morning abs.
Your morning abs has been a joyfor the both of us.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
Your morning abs.
I have abs for all of you.

Speaker 1 (49:06):
He has abs, like the first part of the morning, and
then you know, after that, thesecond, I drink something or eat
something.
They're gone.
We got to wait until tomorrowmorning, that's it.
But no, I really I reallyenjoyed seeing that confidence
in you.
I really enjoyed watching youwhen we get ready to go out or
something and you like puttingon your clothes and you like how

(49:27):
you see, how you see yourselfin the mirror and I can feel the
confidence radiating off of you.
I can see the smile.

Speaker 2 (49:34):
I can see I might start recording in tank tops if
you like, babe they might get alittle side.

Speaker 1 (49:41):
I'm gonna have.
I'm gonna have to record withmy back to the camera.

Speaker 2 (49:44):
So my back.
See your chat.
That's not gonna work at all.

Speaker 1 (49:50):
They gotta be a face um, but yeah, so that and that
has been beneficial, that's beenbeneficial for everybody, yeah
I mean that aspect.
That aspect has not changed.
If anything, it's gotten better.
What, oh my God.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
Because I'm trying to be out.
I was like, yes, I mean like ohmy goodness.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
I can't even walk past my husband in shorts
anymore.

Speaker 2 (50:14):
Quick, quick story y'all.
So we was out at some friend's,some friends house the other
day and my wife was sitting down.
I looked over, I said look atthem and I just started taking
pictures of her and I was.

Speaker 1 (50:22):
I turned inside.
I was like why are you takingpictures of me?
And then I look at his phoneand it's like all thigh shots,
yes yes, I said I said big orsmall.
You like a thigh?
Huh, I can't I can't.

Speaker 2 (50:37):
Um, I'm to end it with this quote Okay, okay.
The quote says the quote Goddamn, I can't talk today.
The quote says a healthy memakes a stronger we we.

Speaker 1 (50:50):
I like that.
I like that.

Speaker 2 (50:54):
Do you, I do Okay.

Speaker 1 (50:58):
A stronger me makes a stronger we yeah, a healthy me.
Oh, a stronger me makes astronger we yeah a healthy me.
Oh, a healthy me makes astronger we.
Oh, that actually is reallygood.
It's very to the point.
You can understand it.
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 2 (51:12):
Let's jump into our two cents.

Speaker 1 (51:13):
I agree that was good .
Huh, I'm about to put that on ashirt.

Speaker 2 (51:17):
I'm going to charge you for it.
Bye, okay, huh, I'm about toput that on a shirt.

Speaker 1 (51:20):
I'm going to charge you for it.
Bye, okay.
So let's head on into our twocents.
Our two cents, our two cents.
I'm going to start with thisone.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
Oh Lord, she already chuckling.
Let's go.

Speaker 1 (51:35):
Am I the asshole for wanting to end a six year
relationship because I am sickof smelling my fiance?
Hold on.

Speaker 2 (51:44):
Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 (51:46):
I'm a 35 year old female and I've been with my
fiance, who's 47, for six yearsand most of that time I have
been dealing with a constantbarrage of bodily functions.
I get that everyone farts andpoops and in long term
relationships you get morecomfortable with each other, but
this is beyond that.

Speaker 2 (52:06):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (52:07):
He will deliberately get up while we're relaxing in
bed and let out the largest andloudest, stinkiest fart while
heading out of our bedroom tothe bathroom to poop.
I've told him repeatedly thatit grosses me out and that to at
least hold it until he's out ofthe bedroom door.
He ignores this and keeps doingit In public.

(52:30):
He will fart in grocery storeaisles where there are other
people around and then walk away, leaving me to stand in the
stink cloud looking like I wasthe one who did it.
He thinks it's funny, I thinkit's humiliating, leaving me to
stand in the stink cloud lookinglike I was the one who did it.
He thinks it's funny.
I think it's humiliating.
We live in a house with onebedroom that's upstairs, with
one bathroom that's upstairs.
He poops with the door open andthe smell drifts all the way

(52:53):
down to the main living area.
It's constant.
I'm tired of smelling this manall the time.
It's disgusting and honestlyit's killed my sexual attraction
to him altogether.
I've told him so many timesthat it bothers me, but he
either laughs it off or saysit's natural, just get over it,

(53:15):
just deal with it.
And honestly I'm repulsed, Ican't.
But it's not about nature, it'sabout respect.
I don't know how I'm supposedto want to be intimate with
someone when I'm constantlygrossed out.
Everyone forts.
Other one says he's being grossand childish.
Am I the asshole for wanting tobreak things off?

Speaker 2 (53:47):
No, you're not, I don't.

Speaker 1 (53:48):
I don't think you are , because if you're accepting it
now and even after telling himit's going to get worse.
Once you get married it's goingto get worse, and if you feel
like this is behavior that youcannot put up with for a
lifetime, then obviously thismight be a deal breaker.
It's like the last one whereshe said he wasn't brushing his
teeth.
If you can't put up with himbrushing his teeth and he ain't

(54:11):
brushed his teeth in the pastthree years, y'all been dated
babe, he's not gonna brush histeeth.
He'll probably brush his teethfor the wedding, but he's not
gonna brush his teeth anymoreafter that.
If he is behaving like thisalready and he is 47, he's 47,
he's definitely not gonna changehe's definitely not gonna
change.

Speaker 2 (54:31):
I think I'm gonna say it's better off than in.
I always say goodbye goodbye,he's.

Speaker 1 (54:37):
He's definitely not going to change and and listen,
that's.
That could be okay, and in themorning that I'm making waffles,
that could be okay.
All right, I think this ishilarious why?

Speaker 2 (54:52):
because I'm like nobody want to smell your
growing ass all day but in hisway of thinking, like a lot of
people, it's it's just for it'sno well, but it's, it's normal.

Speaker 1 (55:03):
It's like okay, like you're getting upset with me for
passing gas, that's crazy,because I can't control me
passing gas.
You can't control you passinggas, but you can be a little bit
more respectful on how to do it, because I I mean, you know, I
would say, if she turned aroundand did the same thing oh, it'd
be different.
It would be different, but I Ikind of feel like he would be

(55:26):
like oh, you didn't join theparty.
She did, she should.
No, he'll be like oh you,you've joined the party.
So like that's.
That's cool.
You know, I don't think so atall.
I can't.
Okay, here we go.
Am I the asshole for callingout my girlfriend for spending
our rent money on vacation?

Speaker 2 (55:43):
Yep, you're not the asshole for this at all.
Come on.

Speaker 1 (55:47):
So my 27-year-old girlfriend, I'm sorry.
So I'm a 27-year-old male and Ihave a 25-year-old girlfriend
and we've been living togetherfor about a year.
We split everything 50-50 andhave a joint account where we
put the rent money in each month.
I topped it up with recentlythanks to a stake bet.
That went well, so he put someextra in there.

(56:10):
Last week I checked out ouraccount and saw that it was
completely drained.
When I confronted her, shecasually mentioned that she used
it for a girl's trip to Miami.
Oh hell no.
She said that she'd pay it backbefore rent was due.
But rent was due literally thefollowing day.
Note she did indeed pay it backbefore it was due, but only

(56:32):
just.
She only put like Just rent,yeah, just in there, I lost it.
I told her that she was beingcompletely irresponsible and
that she should have discussedthis with me before taking our
rent money.
She got defensive and said thatI was overreacting and that her
friend's birthday was a once ina lifetime opportunity.
It was her 26th birthday.

(56:53):
It's not exactly a milestone.
She's now staying at hersister's place and has been
blowing up my phone saying thatI'm controlling and that the
money will be there tomorrow.
But like that's not the point.
The point is she took our rentmoney without telling me.
My buddy thinks that I'mjustified, but her sister is

(57:13):
calling me a controlling assholewho doesn't understand girl
culture, whatever the fuck thatmeans.
Girl culture so am I the assholefor calling her out for edit.
Rent is eighteen hundreddollars, so she took 900 of my
money too, not just hers you'renot the asshole, and I'm gonna

(57:35):
say it right now I mean, but shedid, but she did pay it back.

Speaker 2 (57:38):
No, no, she paid back what she spent.
She had the extra.

Speaker 1 (57:45):
Oh, you mean the tapped off.

Speaker 2 (57:46):
Yeah, she took that too.
She didn't put that back inthere, she put just the back in
there.
Enough to cover the rent.

Speaker 1 (57:50):
Because she was like my man, my man, my man, he
covered that for me.

Speaker 2 (58:01):
He understand girl culture.
Oh, yeah, okay.
And what girl culture is notgoing to say that she?
I am officially not puttingnothing in that account.
You can go and take my name offof it.

Speaker 1 (58:05):
We can go down to the office every month and pay
together, side by side.
Matter of fact, I'm gonna sendmy 900, you send your 900 going
forward that's what I would dogoing forward.

Speaker 2 (58:16):
This, see, my thing is that what I've experienced in
my experience, or just have hergive you the money.
You go get the money order inmy experience when it comes to
money.

Speaker 1 (58:26):
These are things that need to be talked about when it
happens and it needs to berectified you mean before right
before that, right before, andit needs to be rectified in the
moment he did as soon as helogged into the account and
realized that there was no moneyto pay the rent.

Speaker 2 (58:40):
But see, the thing is , my issue was that she did it,
and this is probably his issueas well, that she did that
without even consulting him.

Speaker 1 (58:48):
Yeah, that's what he said.

Speaker 2 (58:48):
Without even saying, hey, is this okay?
Because she knew damn well hewould say no.
He would say no, You're notgoing to spend the rent to go
have fun.
But also her way of thinking.
Also, her way of thinking wasI'll have it back.
Yeah, I know I.

Speaker 1 (59:03):
I agree with you, I agree with you, because now what
if you don't get it back?
Yeah, and you're cutting itreally close because rent was
due the the following day wedon't look here, men.

Speaker 2 (59:09):
Men deal with, we deal with certainties.
We need to be, you need to becertain that it's going to be
here.
If there's a chance that it maynot, you don't touch it,
because that's how I run Now.
If I know, hey, look here.

Speaker 1 (59:23):
I mean they said my check was supposed to be here on
Wednesday.

Speaker 2 (59:28):
In my mind I'd be like, hey, you know what, okay,
rent due on Friday, I get paidon Wednesday.
If I dip into the mortgage alittle bit, I do that sometimes,
but I know for a fact that whatI take out I'ma have before
it's due.
She out here.
And for a trip to Miami, that'sa red flag by itself.
What to go to Miami, a girl'strip to Miami, shit.

(59:50):
Come on now, too much, I saidwhat I said no, I completely
agree, your ass ain't gonna beon no girl's trip to Miami why?

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
what if me and my girls Listen?
We just talked about, okay, youand your girls can go to brunch
.

Speaker 2 (01:00:05):
In Miami, A day trip no down the street why I can't
go to Miami.
What's in Miami?

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
I've never been the hoes.
Oh, I want to see what the hoeslook like.
Look, at you ain't gonna talkabout my friends jerk why?

Speaker 2 (01:00:20):
did you hit me?

Speaker 1 (01:00:22):
You ain't gonna talk about my friends.
My friends are not hoes, theyare respectable women.
Thank you very much.
Some of them are.
I hang around with nothing butrespectable women.

Speaker 2 (01:00:31):
Don't have.
You say some names.

Speaker 1 (01:00:33):
All of my friends are respectable women.
Okay, alright, respectablewomen.

Speaker 2 (01:00:37):
This has been another episode of the Life After I Do
podcast.
If you're not following us,what are you doing?

Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
Like for?

Speaker 2 (01:00:46):
real.
Stop shacking up.
What else are you doing?

Speaker 1 (01:00:48):
Go hit that follow Just.

Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
Subscribe.

Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
Yes, did you say stop shacking up.

Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
Stop it.
Stop it.
You can follow us.
Stop looking at the reels andnot liking and following.
It's weird.
You can follow us on Instagram,tiktok, you can follow us.

Speaker 2 (01:01:01):
Stop looking at the reels and not liking and
following.

Speaker 1 (01:01:02):
It's weird.
You can follow us on Instagram,tiktok, facebook.

Speaker 2 (01:01:03):
YouTube Only Pans, only Pans.
Once again, I want to say thankyou all.
We want to say thank you all.
We have now reached 20K onInstagram.
Woo-hoo, we appreciate all thelove and support.
Hold on, let me get some clapsfor that.
Woo, we appreciate y'all foryou guys are amazing, amazing.
Amazing, amazing.
And first of all, I would liketo also say that the more you
guys follow, the more itstresses our daughter out.

Speaker 1 (01:01:24):
Bye.

Speaker 2 (01:01:25):
You guys are stealing my followers, baby, they don't
know you.

Speaker 1 (01:01:29):
Bye, y'all go follow my baby, but like always, we
appreciate you guys again forrocking with us PhoenixRain2035
on Instagram.

Speaker 2 (01:01:38):
For 99 episodes 99 episodes.

Speaker 1 (01:01:41):
99 episodes, that's crazy.
What's this?
Two years?

Speaker 2 (01:01:44):
99 episodes Crazy work, Like always.
A new episode every Wednesdayand until then, Peace.

Speaker 1 (01:01:51):
Peace, booskies Peace .