Marriage Without Mirrors: Why Accountability is Non-Negotiable!

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What if the real breakthrough in your relationship doesn’t come from proving your partner wrong—but from holding yourself accountable first?

In this vulnerable and eye-opening episode of Life After I Do, we unpack the true power of accountability in marriage—not as weakness, but as the starting point for deep healing, trust, and reconnection. 💬

✨ “It was me. I messed up.”
These five words can change the entire direction of your relationship. We share real stories from our own marriage, showing how owning your emotional triggers creates space for honest communication, empathy, and growth. This isn’t just talk—it’s lived experience.

🔄 We break down:

• Why the “tit-for-tat” mindset keeps couples stuck
• How to respond when your partner can only give 30%
• The difference between blame and true responsibility
• Why accountability leads to emotional safety—not control

If you've ever felt misunderstood, stuck in cycles of resentment, or like you're carrying more than your fair share—this episode is for you.

Thanks for rocking with us! Don’t forget to follow Life After I Do so you never miss an episode. Got a relationship situation you want us to weigh in on? Hit us at https://linktr.ee/lifeafteridopodcast — we just might talk about it in a future episode.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
It was me I fucked up .
The reason why this didn't workout is because I didn't hold up
my end of the bargain.
The reason why this didn't workout is because I wasn't the
best possible person that Icould be in the situation.
And now that I know I wasn'tthe best possible person I could
be in the situation, this ishow I plan on moving forward.
This is how I plan on being abetter person.
Hey everybody, and welcome backto another weekly episode of

(00:38):
the Life.
After I Do podcast.
You're here today with me, asalways, nisha G, my lovely, plus
one who's stretching his vocalcords this lovely evening for
you.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
I'm like sexual chocolate, that boy good.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
Really.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
Good and terrible.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Good and terrible.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
Good and terrible I believe the children are our
future.
Thank you, treat them well andlet them lead the way.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
Thank you, thank you six chocolate, six chocolate.
Everybody.
I'll be here all week.
Bye, hi babe.
Hey booskis, how you doing?
I'm good, how are you?
I'm tired and in love.
Yeah, I have to concur withthat we've been lifing.
We have, we have.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Look here.
I don't know who decided tohave us be booked like this, but
it's exhausting, it's just life.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
And it's because summer is coming up.
So you know, we alsointentionally book things for
ourselves because we have thelittle one.

Speaker 2 (01:45):
That's life.

Speaker 1 (01:46):
If it were up to us, we would be in the bed Always.
We would go out, do our thingduring the day, whatever.
Come back home.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
About 5.30.
Yeah, and just relax by 5.30,.
We'd be in the bed with dinnerwatching a movie.

Speaker 1 (02:01):
Oh my gosh, that sounds so amazing.
Right Dinner in bed sounds good.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
Right, we leave the nightlife for the young ones.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
We should schedule a dinner date, but at home with
takeout.

Speaker 2 (02:14):
Right.

Speaker 1 (02:14):
And it should be from .
No, not schmuck.
You don't want smack noodles,no, I want Like.
When I think of takeout, Iimmediately think of Bryce and
Spice, or my other one.
What Of Alessandro OrangeChicken?

Speaker 2 (02:31):
Oh, Grandpa.

Speaker 1 (02:32):
Grandpa, oh my, oh, my gosh, can we do that?
Can we like plan that?

Speaker 2 (02:36):
We're going to do it soon because we have to plan it
ahead.
She's going to be out of schooland it's going to be terrible.
I know we have.

Speaker 1 (02:40):
I know we have to plan that ahead, so that's what
we're going to do, that we'regoing to plan a date night.
I want a date night at home, inbed, with takeout and a fun
movie, with our door closed.
Just us and cheeks.
That that's all I want.
Yeah, see, like I feel like Idon't get credit enough for
taking it easy, here we go, it'sthe simple things that bring me

(03:03):
joy Really.

Speaker 2 (03:05):
OK, how was your week ?

Speaker 1 (03:06):
my week was really good.
It was good we celebratedgrandma v's 89th birthday.
That was really fun um.
Happy birthday, grandma v happybirthday, grandma happy
birthday, grandma.
I think she enjoyed.
I.
I love to see that when you'reespecially like I mean, even now
I love being around family, butI think as you get into like
your later years, that's reallythat really just genuinely

(03:30):
brings you simple, pure joy,just to be surrounded by your
loved ones.
She was like I just want towatch y'all that, and that's
what.
Yeah, that's what she said,that's what she said I'm just
looking at y'all like that's andthat's, but that brought her
joy.

Speaker 2 (03:44):
I'm just looking at folks yeah, but like that's and
that's, but that brought her joy.

Speaker 1 (03:44):
I'm just looking at folks yeah, but that brought her
joy, like when she was talkingabout with Auntie Lisa and when
they, when she was talking abouthow they took the kids to
Universal Studios and she was onher little cart and stuff, and
she said I just had such a goodtime just watching them have fun
, like, think about I'm notthere yet, I know, but but
that's what I'm saying and thatthat goes into like the
different phases of life.

(04:06):
So this just brought upsomething else for me, because
my nephew he's going into hisfirst stage of, like
independence.

Speaker 2 (04:11):
Right.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
So he's going to be leaving for college and stuff,
and so we were talking and I wasasking him I was like, are you
excited?
Are you nervous, like what?
And he was like honestly, hewas like I'm a little nervous
and I was like why he was likehe was like I'm a little nervous
and I was like why?
And he was like he was likebecause, like, like, I'm on my
own and I was like I know I saidthe great part about it is is

(04:34):
that no one is going to be thereto tell you what to do and what
your next step should be, andthe worst part about it is that
no one's there to tell you whatto do and what your next step is
.
Right, I said, but this is oneof one of the most exciting
parts in your life.
Like each stage comes with anew experience.

Speaker 2 (04:51):
You were figuring out who you were in high school.
Oh right, you finally get intoit now.

Speaker 1 (04:55):
And then in your twenties, like you, you really
think that you're so.
You're so, like, fast forwarded, that you, you're the one that
has been granted the, the, thefeeling and know-how of
everything.
And you know that you, you'rethe one that has been granted
the, the, the feeling and knowhow of everything, and you know,
and you're going off offeelings, which is great.
But I was trying to explain tohim, like we had that whole
conversation about him going offto college, being independent,
being responsible, whatever.
And then when we went to hisgraduation dinner, we were just

(05:19):
talking about, like, thedifferent stages of life, like
your 20s, your 30s, your 40s,and I was telling him, going
into my 30s, I was super excited, like I want it to be in my 30s
, like so bad.
And he was looking at me.
He was like what, like why?
He was like, why do you want toget older?
Like, why is that something?
It's something that's somethingyou don't understand until
you're older that's literallywhat I was trying to explain to

(05:41):
him.
I was like, when people try tohave these conversations with me
, damarié, it's hard for you tounderstand that, because you
haven't been in life long enoughto have some real experiences
that really shape who you are.
I said, everything that's goingto go on in your 20s is shaping
you, but then it's going togive you, like this, different

(06:02):
perspective going into your 30s.

Speaker 2 (06:09):
And then all the shit that's going to happen to you
in your 30s is going to give youthis different perspective
going into your 40s and Iguarantee you most of the shit
you cared about in your 20s youain't going to give a damn about
in your 30s.

Speaker 1 (06:13):
That's literally what I told him.
I said the things that were soimportant to me that I would die
on a hill on in my 20s and howI figured and like how I said
what my life would look like,what I was going to accomplish
by 28, what I was going to bewhen I'm 30.
I was like it all went out thewindow.
I said, but now, as I'm likeapproaching my 40s, I was like I

(06:33):
feel I'm starting to get that,that feeling that I got at the
end of my 20s going to my 30s,going into my 40s.
And the reason the reason why isbecause now, going into my 40s,
I feel as though I'm able tobetter put certain things into
perspective.
I am able to kind of like lookat myself and my habits and

(06:55):
things that are important to meand I'm starting to let go of
versions of me that I thought iswhat I wanted to be, and being
honest with myself and beinglike boo, that was the idea you
had of yourself, and you hadthat idea because what you
thought it would look like andhow that would translate to how

(07:15):
people thought about you.
Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (07:18):
And now.

Speaker 1 (07:18):
I'm getting to a point where I'm just like you
can either take it or leave it,it doesn't really matter.
I'm not going to try to shapemyself to be something you
accept.
I'm just like.
You can either take it or leaveit, it doesn't really matter.
I'm not going to try to shapemyself to be something you
accept.
I'm going to shape myself toenjoy whatever time I have left
here.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
Let me interject with this.
You are also bringing backparts of you.

Speaker 1 (07:37):
That I really enjoyed .

Speaker 2 (07:38):
Yeah, yes, that I really enjoyed.
Yeah, because you've been.
My baby's been getting it inthe gym.
She's been getting it in thegym.
She's been getting it in.
Yeah, right, and that ass iscoming back.
Goodbye With a bitch.
I mean it never left, but nowit was getting more shape, yeah,
and I'm like but that's what Iwas trying to really explain to
him.

Speaker 1 (07:56):
Like you get to a point and you made me think
about that comedian I can'tremember the comedian name, but
they were talking about as youget older and especially when
you start going into your 40sand 50s and 60s, you start your
bucket of fuck it.
She was like your bucket offucks, like eventually you run
out of them.
And she was like and one dayyou wake up and you look in the
bucket and there's no more fucksto give.

Speaker 2 (08:18):
And it's gone.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
And when she was like , and let me tell you how
freeing that is when you look atthat.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
I'm almost there when you look at that bucket.
And ain't no more fucks to give, she said.
And that's when life reallystarts.
The.
The fact that my actions impactmy family, yeah, is really what
keeps me in line that's whatkeeps you grounded because,
that's what grounds you.
Because if the consequenceswouldn't include y'all, my
bucket would have been empty,okay.

Speaker 1 (08:52):
You would have just picked up the bucket, emptied it
out and then started life.
You know what I'm saying?
No, you're supposed to likegradually give them out.

Speaker 2 (08:59):
You're supposed to.
I gave most mine out in my 20s.
They gone now.
The stock is low.
Limited supply.

Speaker 1 (09:06):
Limited supply.

Speaker 2 (09:08):
Limited supply.

Speaker 1 (09:09):
Well, I mean, there might be some on sale, you could
.

Speaker 2 (09:12):
No.

Speaker 1 (09:12):
You don't.
I have nowhere fucks to giveguys.

Speaker 2 (09:15):
Apparently the only thing on sale out here is
Audacity, Audacity.

Speaker 1 (09:19):
Audacity is like.
It's like 99.99% off Right andpeople have been buying it in
bulk.

Speaker 2 (09:25):
That was it, People have been buying Audacity in
bulk.
Once again, she always extendsher week, so I keep it short.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
Molly's was cool.
Okay, tiring Grind.
By the time you guys hear this,I am celebrating 200 episodes
of my other podcast.

Speaker 1 (09:44):
The Heavyweight Podcast.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
So shout out to my other crew my boy McFly, son
McFly, my boy Kevin Wendell, akaFictitious, and my girl Des the
Diva, Congratulations 200 in.
I don't know how we do itwithout choking each other out.

Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know.
I want to take a moment toshout out my husband no, don't
do that.
Yep, I'm going to do it.
I want to take a moment toshout out my husband, because I
don't think y'all reallyunderstand the amount of work my
husband may be putting into twopodcasts.
He's a double podcaster.
Okay, so he does two podcasts.

Speaker 2 (10:20):
Our podcast.
I might be the heavyweightpodcast.
I might be a triple podcaster.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
Oh gosh, he works out on his schedule continuously,
five days a week.
I ain't got no free time.
He works full time.
I'm not talking just 40 hours aweek, I'm talking plus plus.
Takes care of a family fulltime, has time to love me, love
his kid, and every once in awhile he'll every once in a

(10:45):
while he'll load the dishwasheras well, right?
So I don't think every once in awhile every once in a while big
on the once in a while he willload the dishwasher as well, and
that's really big and he's alsohold on and he's also, for the
past month, being taking care ofour meal prep.

Speaker 2 (11:03):
So I'm just just saying.
I'm just saying look, I don'tneed my dms flooded listen, I
may be maybe a tad bit spoiled.

Speaker 1 (11:12):
Just a little bit.
You are just a little bitspeaking of kids.

Speaker 2 (11:15):
I was talking to my own old man in the gym, your old
man in the gym, right, becauseI, because I air to myself say,
man, when you want to tell methe secret, I had to look this
good at your age, because he's57.
He a swole 57.
He was like I got a little, andtoday he was like I still got a
little abs too, and he was likehe's.
I'm going to tell you the samething.
He said when I was about 24, hesaid I walked into the gym.

(11:36):
He said there's a guy namedCharles.
He said, man, I got to ask you,what do you do?
He said let me tell yousomething, youngsters, he said
just do something every day,every day.
He said I don't care if it'syou walking or just doing your
job, do something every day.
He said when you get 57, youlook like this.
I said well, it worked.

Speaker 1 (11:57):
If you're 57, you swole, you swole active.
You have to stay moving, likethat's what my granny used to
say you got, you have to move ifyou don't move, oh, you setting
yourself up and also speakingof kids y'all, yeah boy I got
baby fever.

Speaker 2 (12:14):
It's back.
It's back with a vengeance.

Speaker 1 (12:17):
It comes in waves, so we just have to wait for this
wave to pass.
We just have to wait for thiswave to leave his body.
That's all guys, don't worry.
It's all guys, don't worry.
It's back on adventure, don'tworry I don't know.
There's something in the air,because here's the thing, here
he goes.

Speaker 2 (12:34):
I look at my daughter and I'm like, oh my God, my
baby, not my baby.
In my mind I'm like in a coupleyears she's going to be a
goddamn preteen, yeah, and I'mnot going to have my baby.
I need a baby.

Speaker 1 (12:46):
That's not a reason to have a baby.

Speaker 2 (12:48):
I need a baby.

Speaker 1 (12:50):
Now, if you would have came with a better reason
than that, that would have beengreat.

Speaker 2 (12:54):
I didn't think it would bother me as much.
But now I really do want a son.
Now, I know it's a 50-50 chance.
I was going to say there one.
I know it's a 50, but even ifit's a girl, I'm gonna just
raise her like a boy.

Speaker 1 (13:03):
That's how I figured okay, that's be tough on her.
Okay, that I don't.
Okay, I have so many differentquestions.
I have so many differentquestions about that I'm gonna.

Speaker 2 (13:14):
I'm gonna let her like be with you, but not like
be with you.
Oh, like I'm like no, we've, no, we come on, get this trash
absolutely not.
Come on, we're gonna we'regonna go, absolutely not.

Speaker 1 (13:24):
You're not gonna have my baby girls out here.
Come on, get this trash.
Absolutely not Come on.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
We finna go, absolutely not.

Speaker 1 (13:26):
We finna go hit these weights, you're not finna have
my baby girls out here empty intrash cans.

Speaker 2 (13:29):
It don't even matter, because you know what I was
telling the guy in the gym today.
I was like it don't matter.
I said because my daughtercan't wait till she's 13.
Because she's saying when she's13, she in this gym, she, she
in this gym.
She said she don't understandwhy the gym is hating on her.
Right, she can't be in heretoday Because she really wants
to go she really wants to go.

Speaker 1 (13:48):
But that's why I told you I think I'm just going to
start buying little by littlestuff for just the corner of the
garage and then that way we canhave, you know, like because
she really wants to deadlift.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
I am.
Yeah, okay, I'm going to holdyou accountable.
Oh, See what I did there?
Yo, I really should be a hostbecause I've been doing the ho.
I said the host.
Oh, we already have one ho inthis house and it's you.

Speaker 1 (14:17):
I was like wait a minute sir.

Speaker 2 (14:19):
You want to be a host so bad.

Speaker 1 (14:21):
Sir.

Speaker 2 (14:23):
Big bro.

Speaker 1 (14:24):
Sir, thank you.
Thank you for addressing me assuch.
Big bro want to be a hoe.
I appreciate it.
It just does something to myspirit.
Hold on, y'all it just doessomething to my spirit when you
approach me by my AKA.

Speaker 2 (14:35):
Look here.
So I've been trying to playbasketball again, and every time
I play- basketball your rightknee be like psych basketball
again, and every time I playbasketball, your right knee be
like psych my body.

Speaker 1 (14:49):
Let me know that my age I'm like.
Oh my god, that's why you gottakeep doing it.
I'm gonna keep doing it, yougotta keep doing it they got it,
you know.

Speaker 2 (14:53):
You know, the guy in the gym always does a jump rope
uh-huh.
I asked him.
So I said man, are you a box?
He's like no, I don't box.
He said he's about to be 40.
I ain't trying to get hit, wait.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
That just reminded me , uh, of me and my sister were
talking about, because she wastelling me about some of the
people at her job and about howthey were.
Two people at her job was likegetting into it, two girls,
right.
And the girl was like, oh, like, meet me outside.
And they wanted to fight.
And I told her, at our biggrown age, I ain't fighting
nobody.
First of all, I'm not fightinganybody.
Second of all, I'm not fightinganybody.
Second of all, you touch me,you're going to jail.

(15:25):
I'm calling the cops.
You are going to jail ma'am.
Okay, I am not going to be outhere.
I'm going to defend myself,don't get me wrong, but I'm not
going to be out here at this bigold, grown age, talking about
meet me outside in the parkinglot.
How about that?
Absolutely, not, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (15:46):
Your ass is going to jail what we got today.

Speaker 1 (15:48):
Because my knees hurt right now.
I'm sorry.
You want to switch?
You want to borrow one of mine?
You don't really know, I know Iwas, but I mean, I have one
that's better than the other.

Speaker 2 (15:56):
Yeah, I know so you know together what we got today
Together.
We could have two get out toogood.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
We're gonna be talking about accountability
nope, I'm out.

Speaker 2 (16:12):
You're so lame.

Speaker 1 (16:12):
Um, yes, but I got accountability accountability in
marriage, accountability inyour partner, accountability in
yourself.
I think it's uh, reallyimportant.
Um, I feel as though what washe?
Taking my hand?
Wait, because I can hear that,you can hear what.
Oh, me touching the reallyimportant.
I feel as though what Was he?

Speaker 2 (16:26):
taking my hand.
Wait, because I can hear that.

Speaker 1 (16:28):
You can hear what?
Oh me touching the mic here.
Okay, I'll put my hands righthere.

Speaker 2 (16:35):
Sorry, I swear y'all she be trying me.
I almost cussed, I almostcussed, come on, come on now
Before.

Speaker 1 (16:44):
I walk away.
Yes, so accountability in yourpartner, accountability in your
marriage and accountabilityaccount-a-bittle, accountability
In what In self, in self-right.

Speaker 2 (16:57):
Yes, that you don't take.
I'm happy we hear that.

Speaker 1 (17:00):
Please elaborate.

Speaker 2 (17:02):
No, go ahead, Keep your intro.

Speaker 1 (17:06):
We gonna get into it.
Well, apparently this has beena hot topic for you because
you've been on social mediamaking your personal clips about
accountability and people notholding themselves accountable
because I'm tired of it.
Okay.
So what?
What triggered you?

Speaker 2 (17:18):
because I'm tired of people not taking accountability
for their part.
Like I say, whether you likethe outcome or not, you pay to
play the role, so you can't.
You can only pass so much blameoff, right you play the role
right now.
You know your part may have nothad been in this current day
when it comes to relationships,but you play the role in the
past that allow the person to becomfortable to do the act the

(17:40):
way they act, okay, or forwhatever happened to transpire
transpire you got to takeaccountability Right.

Speaker 1 (17:47):
So it's like a self-reflection thing, yeah.

Speaker 2 (17:49):
Yeah, I'm at the age now where I ain't got time to
have no secret grudges.

Speaker 1 (17:53):
Yeah, hold have no, look, I'm going to tell you
straightforward, like Montyyesterday with that text message
she was trying to figure out anice way to tell people to not
come, because it was gettinglate and we were all about to
leave, and so she was like howdoes this sound?
How does this sound?
But then, at the heart of it,she was like I'm not gonna do
all this, I'm gonna just tellthem don't come because y'all

(18:14):
leave, that's it.

Speaker 2 (18:16):
She was like I don't have time for this and and I
will say, like the one thing,the probably the biggest part of
therapy that I've taken away,yeah, is that the accountability
had to start with me absolutelyso now that I start taking
accountability for my actionsand what I say.
I'm heavy on nigga.

Speaker 1 (18:34):
If I'm doing it, you about to do it too, yeah but I
think it also motivates thepeople that are directly in your
circle, right because it kindof forces them to start doing
their own self-reflection, do itand to kind of pick you know,
you know how they say, you arethe people you hang around,
right?
So if you have somebody who isbeing self-reflective, somebody
who is not ashamed or afraid tosay listen, it was me, I fucked

(18:56):
up.
The reason why this didn't workout is because I didn't hold up
my end of the bargain.
The reason why this didn't workout is because I wasn't the
best possible person that Icould be in the situation.
And now that I know I wasn'tthe best possible person I could
be in the situation, this ishow I plan on moving forward.
This is how I plan on being abetter person.
And when you have people whoare in your immediate, you know
circle and they see that you'resetting up the model right, and

(19:19):
then you're also letting peopleknow on front street that you
also don't tolerate I'm nottolerating, you don't tolerate
behavior that's outside of thatRight.

Speaker 2 (19:27):
You know what I'm saying and that's another thing
why, if I have something toexplain, I'm not going to text
it to you, right?
I'm going to call you, right.

Speaker 1 (19:35):
Because there's not going to be any miscommunication
about something being taken outof context or the way it
sounded.

Speaker 2 (19:40):
You're not going to read it with your attitude.

Speaker 1 (19:43):
When it wasn't with my attitude.

Speaker 2 (19:45):
And apply it to me, right?
So I'm going to go ahead andcall you and tell you.

Speaker 1 (19:50):
You're going to hear all the tones in my voice Right,
and then you'll be able to makeit Right.

Speaker 2 (19:54):
And then assess the situation.

Speaker 1 (19:55):
And then assess the situation.

Speaker 2 (19:56):
And then I've gotten to the point to where, if what I
say, whether it piss you off ornot, right, say whether it
pissed you off or not.
Right, I said it.
I said it, I'm at peace.
Yeah, all I can control is howI'm going to react to your
reaction.

Speaker 1 (20:09):
Yeah, yeah, because I don't get to tell you how to
feel and I don't get to tell youhow you should have taken it.
I'm just here to tell you thatthis is All I can tell.

Speaker 2 (20:20):
you is how I meant it .

Speaker 1 (20:21):
Yeah, so you're basically like I'm just
acknowledging my emotional needs.

Speaker 2 (20:28):
I'm letting you know I'm gonna let you know, like
like today, like today, forinstance, earlier I acknowledged
what you said.
That's not how I meant it.

Speaker 1 (20:35):
Right.

Speaker 2 (20:35):
I acknowledge it Right.
That's how, and then so.

Speaker 1 (20:38):
And then I told you, just so you know, this is how I
heard it.
And I'm and I said, Iacknowledged that, yeah, but
that's not what I meant, that'snot what I meant, right, right,
and I think that was.
I mean, that was a perfectexample.
Um, the the.
The example was today, when wewere getting ready, for you know
, to record for the podcast.
Um, he had came home and I wasjust now, like you know, getting

(21:00):
myself together and he made astatement.
He was like I thought he waslike, oh man, well, I thought
you would be further along thanyou are now, and so I stopped
and I was like I said, now, letme ask you a question.
And he was like what I said,what purpose did that statement
serve?
Because I can tell you how Ijust internalized that.

(21:21):
I can tell you what my ears arelike, the undertone of that,
when my ears are picking up.
And then you proceeded to say,yeah, but that's not what,
that's not how I meant it.
I was just making a statementof.
I just thought that you wouldbe further along and I like I
explained to you, but from myperspective, what I'm hearing is
what were you doing this wholetime?

(21:52):
So now, what were you doing thiswhole time?
So now that we got you on andthat was, and but that's a hold
on.
But I I say that because when Ithink about my response and
saying that to you in my head, Itry to be accountable and I'm
like why, what about me?
Made me feel like, okay, that'swhat he was and the thing about
it is is like were you time,could you have managed your time
better?

Speaker 2 (22:05):
Should you have been further along.
No, you didn't.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
Ok, you know what I'm saying, but that's how you took
it.
But that's how I took it.
But I took it that way becauseof something in you, in me, ok,
and that's the, that's the wholeidea.
And point around today's topic,accountability.
That's where the accountabilitycomes from, because when he
made the statement, immediately,on some level, I felt defensive

(22:35):
.
I felt like he was trying tothrow a sneak attack or he was
trying to, like you know, saysomething without saying it, and
so I had to think to myselfwhat, what is it about me, my
thinking brain, my thinkingheart, about the statement that
you made?
And you didn't come in with anattitude, you didn't say it,
like you know, like, oh well, Iguess you're not further along.

Speaker 2 (22:54):
And I thought you, it was nothing like that he
literally just made thestatement.

Speaker 1 (22:59):
I just thought you'd be further, you know, further
along, and immediately my brainwas like attack, defend, attack,
defend.

Speaker 2 (23:12):
you know, and so I'm just like what was the purpose
that the statement served?
Because I felt like I was in asafe place.
I was talking to my person andI could just relate.
I could relate my feeling inthe moment.
I, just I, I just walked in thehouse with the assumption that
I'd be like, okay, let me hurryup because she'd been on it.

Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah, because I hadn't sent you the outline and
yeah.

Speaker 2 (23:29):
So I was like, okay, let me get to it.
And then when I saw what I saw,okay, well, based on prior
information that I had, I justthought I was assuming that I
would be the one rushing Right,yeah, and that's all I did.

Speaker 1 (23:47):
Right, yeah, and that's all right and and that's.
But that's why it was like, butthat's why I I can appreciate
that we can still have that typeof dialogue, because that could
have easily like it could havebeen a whole argument, it could
have been a whole argument, justme replying with what was the
purpose of you saying thatstatement and then him getting
an attitude and then me gettingan attitude, that he's getting
an attitude, because I'm like,oh, so now I can't say how I
feel you came in and stated howyou it could have went

(24:09):
completely left.
So I do want to like, I want toacknowledge and appreciate the
fact that we have, that we wereable to go through that little
you know, and like, work it out.

Speaker 2 (24:21):
Say thank you to Dr Williams.
My therapist has been workingon me, okay, bye.
So since we are talking aboutcomedy, you know, give us some
talking points from a woman'sperspective.

Speaker 1 (24:34):
Okay, so I can't say female.

Speaker 2 (24:36):
You know, y'all don't like saying, but y'all female.

Speaker 1 (24:40):
That's side note, I gotta say.
We were walking into Target andhe goes if I was somebody you
didn't know?
And I said, what were yousaying Like?
And I, and I acknowledged youas oh, this female over here.
He was like, would you beoffended?
And I was like, absolutely.
And he was like, why you are afemale?
I said, but it's the way inwhich you say it, like, don't

(25:02):
you refer to me as like, like,don't, don't do that.
Like, oh, this female over here,like I'm nothing, like, just
this woman so he was like but ifI said you know this woman, I
was like, absolutely I'd be, I'dbe okay with that.

Speaker 2 (25:14):
Okay, because that sounds and then what I say after
that that sounds softer thanwhat I said.
What'd you say?
Not this female walking totarget?

Speaker 1 (25:22):
such a butthole?
Um, yeah, so when we talk aboutaccountability, first thing
that comes to mind isacknowledging your emotional
needs.
Ok, you have to own your ownfeelings before you can expect
your partner to understand them,ok, so again, the example that
we gave earlier about theinteraction that you and I had I

(25:45):
had to really think about.
What was it about myself thatmade me feel like you were
trying to sneak attack me withthat statement, you know?
And then when I thought aboutit, that's when I started
thinking to myself about my ownself-reflection and trying to
hold myself accountable.
About my own self-reflection andtrying to hold myself

(26:06):
accountable, did I manage mytime, you know, as best as I
could, between the time that Itexted you, like the outline and
everything that we were goingto do?
Did I maximize all what I wastrying like?
You know what I mean like orwas I just scrolling right?
Was, uh, as the old peoplewould say, pussyfooting around?
Oh, not that pussyfoot.
Was I pussyfooting around?
And if I had to admit it, youwas, I was scrolling, I was on

(26:28):
youtube.
I had.
You know, I'd be moving slowsometimes if you don't put an
actual time limit on it for me,so we're moving slow.
So what are you talking about?
No, because I'll be giving hertime limits.
When I'm on time limits, I geta shit done, but don't, don't
come for me.
See, now you're coming for meagain.
Now you're coming for me again.
Okay, I gotta talk to thetherapist about why I feel so

(26:48):
defensive sometimes.
You really do, because you becoming for me and I feel like I
have to.
You need to work on yourself.
Shut up.
You need to work on yourself,stop okay.
So, um, owning how you feelbefore you can expect your
partner to understand.
But that goes both ways.

Speaker 2 (27:07):
I feel like all these points go both ways.

Speaker 1 (27:09):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (27:09):
Because I understand now that it is not good for me
to talk to you when I'm angry.

Speaker 1 (27:16):
Correct, because Nor is it good for me to listen to
you when you're angry.

Speaker 2 (27:19):
Because it's not.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
It's going to be some love in there, it's going to be
hard for me to fish it out,right.

Speaker 2 (27:27):
And it's going to be hard for me to put the love on
top of the anger.

Speaker 1 (27:29):
Yeah, because.
And then my defensivenesscombined with that, and now you
being defensive.

Speaker 2 (27:44):
Now I'm being defensive.

Speaker 1 (27:44):
and now ain't nothing getting solved, and we all know
how I behave when I feel likeI'm being attacked.
Right, Don't make.

Speaker 2 (27:47):
don't make me feel like I'm being attacked because
I only, I only know how to cutthat's what I said Like a
toddler with a pair of scissors.

Speaker 1 (27:50):
I only, and I listen and again, self-reflection, guys
.
That's why I always say youknow how some people say um, a,
a woman, a woman's words canbreak or make a man.
I, I fully, I fully believethat.
And I and I fully believe thatbecause I know, like I said,
sometimes when I feel like I'mbeing attacked or I feel like
you really trying to come for me, I don't have an in-between,

(28:14):
you don't, I don't, I don't, Iknow, I don't savage, I like he
said a toddler with scissorswho's ready to cut, that's it.
I only know, and I'm a piece ofpaper, I only know how to make
you feel worse than what I justperceived.
You made me feel and you're notgonna like it, right?
You're not, because sometimeshe'll look at me like you did
not just see and I'm like, okay,I'm sorry, that was maybe a

(28:36):
little too much.

Speaker 2 (28:44):
Also a part of that and the flip side of that is is
that on my side I have to ownthe emotional impact that I had
on the situation Right.
So, even if my intention wasn'tto be mean or wasn't to hurt you
, I have to acknowledge the factthat you were hurting that
moment, right.
Even if I feel like youshouldn't be, it doesn't.
It doesn't change the fact thatyou are yeah.
So I have to acknowledge thatbecause, whether it was
intentional or not, I amaccountable for that Right
Because my actions or my wordsled to that.

(29:05):
And I feel like that's the hardpart about accountability.
People to get around like well,why am I accountable for how
she feels?
It's because of how you,because because of how I
portrayed it, made me feel thisway.

Speaker 1 (29:15):
Yeah, and you know what you're doing when you say
certain things.
Sometimes, no, no, most people,most people know the emotion
they're trying to inflict whensaying things Right, and I mean
in a lot of times inrelationships.

Speaker 2 (29:29):
You know there's certain topics that you really
got to pussyfoot around.
Shut up, baby.
You can't go full force andjust be like blatantly honest or
not, you'd be honest, but it's,it's a way you gotta.

Speaker 1 (29:46):
Sometimes you gotta lead with the honey and not the
shit so you mean you get whatyou attract, more bees with
honey than you do shit.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (29:53):
Sometimes you got.
Sometimes you gotta drizzle thehoney and don't just come in
with the shit, because you knowI'm with the shits, yeah, but
sometimes I got to put the shitup, yeah.

Speaker 1 (30:00):
Cause some people want to just shit on you and
then walk away and then be likeokay, now you deal with it and
then when they walk away, thereis no accountability because in
their mind and I know, becauseyou know this Um, that's how I
feel, those are my feelings andthat's.
That's fine.
Your feelings are valid.
That doesn't mean you getdisrespectful and this is coming

(30:21):
from somebody who has had tomake many apologies on being
disrespectful because there isalso a way to argue, like there
is a way to have a disagreement,and it doesn't have to be with
us name calling or beingdisrespectful to one another.
There is a respectful way thatyou can have an argument or a
disagreement with your partnerand also still hold yourself
accountable for the part thatyou played, because it's not

(30:43):
just one sided and you can'talways come from the perspective
of I would be better if you didthis, and I think that's what
happens with a lot of people.
They look at what they do andthey're like oh you know what?
Like, what is it about me thatyou can complain about?
You can't complain about itbecause I do this, I do that, I
do this, I do that and you don'tdo any of this.
And then you have the nerves tocomplain about me.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
For us.
I feel like the biggest changein our dynamic, especially when
it comes to accountability, iswhen I change my thought process
from why are you not respondingor doing what I need you to do
to how can I get you to respond?

Speaker 1 (31:22):
Yeah, but the only controlling factors in.
That is you Right.
So that's only you.

Speaker 2 (31:28):
I narrowed it down to , like you were saying, I'm not
communicating properly enough.
I'm not See, I'm putting theblame on me.

Speaker 1 (31:36):
I'm not, I'm not See, I'm putting the blame on me.

Speaker 2 (31:37):
See, I'm trying to be accountable.
I'm not communicating properlyenough to get you to move or get
you to do the things that.

Speaker 1 (31:44):
I need you to do Right.

Speaker 2 (31:46):
And what I learned is that a lot of times, like you
know, when you wouldn't docertain things, I just wouldn't
say anything, that I would go domyself, right, and that wasn't
beneficial or that wasn'thelping none of us, because you
can't, we.

Speaker 1 (32:02):
The issue can't be addressed if it's not being
spoken right, and then if Idon't know, that's an issue for
you.
I'm gonna go about business asusual, right?
So if you want to keep puttinggas in the car, I will not argue
about that, I'm going.
I am going back to gas in thecar I am going to continue to
let you put gas in the car and Iwill ignore.
Okay, you know what I'm saying.
Like I'm saying sorry, yeah, so, um, that, yes, that's the uh

(32:27):
self, that's the self-awarenessand self-accountability.
Another thing I think was, uh,a lot of people probably don't
understand or realize is whenyou get into the headspace of
trying to blame the other personfor why you behave a certain
way.
Something that was alwaystaught to me was the lack that
you see in others, right?

(32:47):
So, like, if there's somethingin you that I am not happy about
and I feel like it's a lack ora negative, the only reason I'm
able to see that is because it'sa mirror that's reflected back
in me.
So, somewhere in my life and itdoesn't have to be along the
same lines of where I see thelack in you, but somewhere in my
life I'm feeling that aboutmyself and that's why I'm able

(33:11):
to recognize it in you, right?

Speaker 2 (33:22):
But instead of me thinking about it in that terms
in my mind, I'm only thinkingwell, I would be better and I
would do this if you were better, right, right, but that, but,
but again.
That's why I always say, like I, like a close friend of mine, I
told him recently, I saidYou're, you're going to be so
much farther alone where youwant to be in life, once you
start to realize that the titfor tat really don't work.

Speaker 1 (33:37):
Rather alone where you want to be in life, once you
start to realize that the titfor tat really don't work.

Speaker 2 (33:41):
It doesn't work and it just pisses you off, because
your tit for tatting andnothing's improving, nothing's
being solved and you're justconstantly in a revolving phase
of I'm not doing this becauseyou're not doing this Because
you don't do that, and becauseyou did that, I'm going to do
this, and then what's the pointAt that point?
What's the point?
You're purposely driving thewedge between you two wider and

(34:02):
wider.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
Because you're also not taking into consideration
how the other person might befeeling too.
Because what happens if you'reboth feeling the same way?
Nothing's going to get done.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
But here's the thing and here's what I realized.
This is my personal thought.
I feel like a lot of peoplelack the willingness to take
accountability, because theyhave to be, because it has to be
taken first by them.

Speaker 1 (34:24):
Right, oh right.
Before you can hold otherpeople accountable, Before you
can hold other peopleaccountable.

Speaker 2 (34:27):
Yeah, which means that you have to accept the fact
that it's a possibility.
Just possibly you're wrong,that you're the problem.
You're wrong, you're theproblem.
Yeah Right.

Speaker 1 (34:37):
And wrong that you're the problem.
You're, you're wrong you're theproblem?

Speaker 2 (34:38):
yeah right, and that's.
That's a hard pill to swallow,that's a hard pill to swallow,
especially when you set yourselfup here, right?

Speaker 1 (34:43):
right, you set yourself up here as the person
who.

Speaker 2 (34:45):
I don't understand what you could complain about,
because I'm great I'm perfect,I'm perfect, I'm doing, I'm
doing, I'm doing, I'm doing x,I'm doing a, b and c.
Yeah, but I need you to do I'mdoing all the things that I
expect for you to want me to doright, but that goes back to,
but you are assuming that's whatI want from you that that goes,
that goes back to I don't knowhow many episodes it goes, where
it goes.

(35:06):
Um, you have to love people inthe way they perceive love.
Yeah right, you can't just say,well, I did, this is how I
perceive love, so this is whatI'm.
No, but that's not, you know I'msaying I, I bought you flowers
on Valentine's Day like I can'tlove you how I want to be loved,
because you'd be mad, bye,because you'd be like you're not
feeding to me and I'd be likeyou're right, I'm feeding to me
twice.

(35:26):
Bye, goodbye, but I have to beaccountable for that.

Speaker 1 (35:33):
The other is avoiding passive aggression.
Ok, holding in frustration onlygrows more bitterness.

Speaker 2 (35:40):
People got to break the silence.

Speaker 1 (35:42):
You got to speak it.
Don't bury it.
Ok, and remember there is arespectful way to do that.
There is a respectful way tocome to your partner and say,
hey, I'm not feeling fulfilledin this area of our life or of
our relationship and I feel likethis is what I would need.
That kind of takes me to.
I had heard I think we talkedabout it a little bit on a

(36:04):
previous episode where atherapist was talking about even
if you feel like you're notgetting everything you need from
your relationship, just try,try to focus on your partner.
Right, just focus on yourpartner and focus on their needs
and see if that can alsoinspire them Right To be like OK
, well, my partner is meeting A,b and C.

(36:26):
Like I said that I wanted moredates, he's taking me out once a
week.
I said that I wanted morefamily vacations.
He's making sure to befinancially sound and plan out
something for us every sixmonths.
And when you see that efforthappening, you automatically I
mean at least for me you starthaving that reflection like,
damn well, what have I not donefor him?
Or what, what?
How can I be better for myhusband?

(36:48):
How can I be better for mypartner.
You know what I'm saying.
So maybe just try focusing onyour partner's needs, instead of
focusing so much on your needsand beating up your other
partner for not fulfilling yourneeds.
Focus on their needs.
Take the attention off ofyourself for a second and find
joy in trying to love on yourpartner and love them in a way
that they perceive love, and seeif that can inspire them to

(37:11):
want to do the same for you, andsee if you can get what you
need out of your partner thewhole time, right?
So if he's complaining that youokay well, you don't cook
enough.
Okay, well, pour pour into her.
That makes her feel loved andinspired, and then maybe she'll
be like you know what, let mecook for him.

Speaker 2 (37:26):
Like, I'm, I want to, and that's what, and that's
what I was going to say too,like it's the Protecting her
peace Right, because we alwaystalk about protecting a man's
peace, oh gosh, yes, it is a bigthing.
Yes, but it is a flip side ofthat Right.
You have to create aenvironment to where she feels
safe and loving, or that she canbe the peace that you want,

(37:49):
like you can't expect her to bepeace for you.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
You can't have it, you can't expect her to be
pre-packaged peace, but youconstantly bringing her hell.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (37:59):
That don't go together.

Speaker 1 (38:00):
She not gonna come with pre-packaged peace.
That's plaids and stripes.
Bye, maurice, you're so stupid.
That's plaids and stripes, whatthe hell.

Speaker 2 (38:10):
I gotta stop watching Vampire.

Speaker 1 (38:12):
You do, you really do .
He watches it like it just cameout.

Speaker 2 (38:18):
It's one of my favorite movies, but you have to
, like I understand, like theway I talk to you.
The energy I bring through thedoor affects the energy that was
here.

Speaker 1 (38:27):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (38:29):
So if the home is calm and everybody's peaceful
and quiet and they kind of dotheir own thing, and you come up
in here with a raft.
And I come in here like atornado.
It's not going to look good.
I'm disturbing the peace.

Speaker 1 (38:39):
Absolutely.
I'm disturbing the peace and weknow how I get when the peace
is disturbed you get ghosts.
I said listen here, what younot going to do.
We up in here, cuddled upwatching a movie, relaxing, and
then here you come, up in herewanting to be loud, got an
attitude no, no, sir, I I reallydo try to leave and go to

(38:59):
yogurt land.

Speaker 2 (39:00):
You can have a house to yourself I really do try to
not bring work home with me.
Yeah, and I've actually gottento the point now where I don't
work, don't even affect me.
Yeah, when I clock out, that'sthat's the most problem um but
but but it is a thing that thatthat you have to be each other's
piece.

Speaker 1 (39:19):
You do.
But I here's the thing, andthis might be a controversial
thing, but I me personally I'mspeaking for myself because I
think that some men would belike, okay, but why can't she
initiate or why can't you know?
This is the thing.
If you are considered I'm gonnaput air quotes on it head of
household, you are the man, youare the provider you want to be.

(39:43):
This is the problem that I have, like what some men?
You want to be looked at as likeyou're the person taking care
of it all.
You're the one shouldering themost weight.
You're paying the bills, you'retaking care of the family, you
pay the mortgage.
You, the most weight.
You're paying the bills, you'retaking care of the family, you
pay the mortgage.
You, you know.
You, you make sure we have foodon the table.
You're doing all right.
You're doing all these thingsand we are supposed to look to

(40:04):
you as like our safety, oursecurity, our protector, our
financier.
We're supposed to look to youfor all of those things, right,
but when it comes to theemotional aspect of it, you got
to be there too.
You just, I'm just supposed tojust be so grateful that you

(40:27):
earned a paycheck this week andthat we still have that.
We still have a roof over ourhead and I'm just supposed to
just lay at your feet and giveyou the world.
But with also being the provider, you also have to understand
that that also comes with makingsure you manage the tone of
your home.
It comes with making sure youmanage the energy of your home.
All that still starts with you.
So when you say like, oh yeah,but you're carrying the load and
you're doing all this, you'redoing all that.

(40:48):
I can't do everything, you'veput yourself in a position to
want to be the person to takecare of everything.
And that starts with everything.
So the energy of the house.
When you come home, if you'renot liking the energy of the
house, if you feel like you know, like something is, something
is off, something is amiss, sothings are being ran the way,
okay, so how?
How are you going to addressthat?

(41:09):
How?

Speaker 2 (41:10):
are you going to address it?
Because you're the leader,we're following the leader.
There's a difference betweenduty and responsibility.
Right, right Now, if I'm theleader, I'm the leader, I'm in
charge here.
It is my duty to make sure thatthere's the resources are here
that are required to run the dayto day.

(41:32):
Right, that's my duty.
Now.
Whether I go out and get thatvia working hustling or whatever
, right, as long as we're takencare of, that's my duty.
Now.
Whether I go out and get thatvia working hustling or whatever
, right, as long as we're takencare of, that's my duty.
As long as the material,earthly things are taken care of
, that's my duty.
Right, my responsibility is tomake sure that, emotionally and

(41:52):
mentally, you're taken care of.
Right.
So they're separate tasks,right, but they're both as
equally as important, and thesame falls for the of Right, so
there's separate tasks.

Speaker 1 (41:59):
Right, but they're both as equally as important,
and the same falls for the women, right?
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (42:03):
But it's even more so because, as the leader, as the
man, if you're the man and yousay you're the leader, and
that's how you've positionedyourself, and that's how you've
positioned yourself.
Yeah, these are requirementsboth of the duty and
responsibility, of both yourrequirements for your role.
Yeah, now, if you're onlytaking care of half of that,
you're lacking in your role,right?
So you, when she comes to youwith issues, you know what I'm

(42:28):
saying.
You can't be mad at her ifyou're not fulfilling all of
your duty and all of yourresponsibility.
Yeah, yeah, you know what Imean, right, because it is.
It is.
It is your responsibility, itis.
It is I feel like personally Iknow a lot of men are not going
to agree with me, but I do feel,like personally, that it is my
responsibility, that my womanfeels that she can be soft with
me, that she feels that she'ssafe with me, that she feels

(42:48):
she's protected with me, right,and Lord knows, I know you feel
that in the sauce whenever we'retogether.
If I don't tell you there's apothole in front of you, you're
going to walk into it.

Speaker 1 (43:00):
Don't push it.
I don't know what you.
I do have eyes, okay.
But I told him yesterday,because we were all having this
discussion too at his family'shouse and I forgot the statement
you had made.
But I had told him.
I said, listen, I'm going totell you, like I always tell you
.
If it, I'm gonna tell you, likeI always tell you, if it's
something I don't feel I need tobe concerned with, I'm not

(43:21):
going to concern myself with it.
If I need to concern myselfwith it, then I will, but I'm
not going to.

Speaker 2 (43:24):
We were talking about in short.
In short, she said if I knowyou got it, why would I?

Speaker 1 (43:30):
worry about it.
The point is is that you tellme not to worry.

Speaker 2 (43:34):
I'm not gonna worry about it until I need to worry
about it Right.

Speaker 1 (43:37):
I'm not, you have.
Listen, like we said, goingback to the whole, this is the
environment you have created.
Right, it's not about me beinglazy because I, because if I, if
I, need the trap that I haveset for myself.
I need to get something done, Iwill get it done.
If it's something like when youwere down from your accident,
things still got, still things.

(43:59):
The point is that things stillgot done.
You know what I'm saying?
Like things that I wasn'tnormally responsible for I had
to take care of because it wasmy.
It was my.
My point now to step up becausemy husband could not.
Okay, so it's not a matter ofme just like taking the hands
off the wheel and just being,but you have created an
environment for me where you aresafe?

(44:20):
I don't need to be concernedwith certain things and if and
until I need to be concernedwith them, I will.
But if I don't need to, why?
Why would I?
I'm just what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (44:31):
I'm gonna just give a rundown of the rest of my
points because we're runningshort on time, okay.
So, um, some other key points,right about accountability.
I'm going to just list them offand give a quick comment on
each one.
Being transparent with thefinances that's important,
because being transparent withthe money is allowing her to
feel secure and safe, thateverything is taken care of

(44:55):
financially.
You don't want them to be inthe dark and then all of a
sudden, like the reaction acouple weeks ago, you get the
eviction notice on the door.
Yeah that would be, and now youain't been working, yeah.

Speaker 1 (45:06):
And we had an experience like that once.
And it's not.

Speaker 2 (45:10):
Right.

Speaker 1 (45:11):
It ain't cool.
That was a learning part of ourrelationship in our early 20s.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
We got through it.
But I'm just saying See alittle PTSD kicked in for a
second.
Another point is admitting whenyou're wrong.
Now look here.
This is something I do.
If I'm wrong, I'm going to sayI'm wrong.
It took you a while to getthere, though.

Speaker 1 (45:29):
It did take me, but now.

Speaker 2 (45:31):
I'm comfortable in it .
It's like stretching rubberbands.
I'll be like my bad.
I stretching rubber bands.
I'd be like my bad, I messed up.
What are we going from here?
Now that I acknowledge that Imessed up, we ain't got to talk
about it.
How?

Speaker 1 (45:42):
are we going to fix it?
We still don't need to talkabout it though.

Speaker 2 (45:44):
No.
But also and also, you got tounderstand that taking
accountability is not weakness,telling that you're a woman or
telling your partner that you'retelling them how they make you
feel or what that's not, that isnot being.
That's not going to mess.
That don't mean you're weak.
That's not going to mess withyour masculinity.

(46:05):
If anything, I feel that makesyou more masculine because
you're owning.
You're owning your emotions andyour responsibility.

Speaker 1 (46:11):
And I see that as you being trying to be an effective
leader.

Speaker 2 (46:15):
And also, you know, uplifting her in public and
private.
Now look here, Y'all know.

Speaker 1 (46:20):
You can cool down on that a little bit.

Speaker 2 (46:22):
If y'all know me, big bro here I give big bro her
props all the time.

Speaker 1 (46:29):
You know what I mean?
That just sounds so stupid.
Give big bro her props.

Speaker 2 (46:33):
I give big bro her props all the time and I agree I
feel like I need.
It has always been my take tolove her just as loud in private
as I do in the public.

Speaker 1 (46:46):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (46:46):
That's always been my take.
I don't know if she's alwaysfelt that way, but that's always
been my stance.
I love her just as loud inprivate as I do in public.
Another point is I do try tocreate space for her voice, even
though sometimes it irritatesme.

Speaker 1 (47:02):
Again, that's another topic of stretching rubber
bands.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
Especially once you do that damn pop Don't do it,
don't do it.
And I think this point is Ithink this is very, very, very.
This is key consistency overgrand gestures, right?
So consistency.
I can't just sit here andconstantly do the same thing and

(47:26):
say I'm sorry and then the I'msorry or my bad is the is is the
, is the is the consistency?
Yeah, and I try to do somethinggreat to fix it up and not go
right back, but you don't changethe behavior.
The consistency is that justsaying okay, I apologize, going
forward because I got.

Speaker 1 (47:42):
I got a ton of time.
He's definitely like I said,this is one of those rubber band
moments.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
And I'm not excuse me , I'm not perfect, but what I
know is that the more I work onit, the more I catch myself in
situations and they get better.
Yeah, because it's all aboutcreating new habits of
communication for us, inparticular.
For me, it's creating newhabits of communication with my
wife so that I can expressmyself properly to her, so that

(48:08):
she can receive my messageproperly, right.
And another thing is, I don'tpoint out her flaws, I don't.
I don't.
I don't know, I do not.
We have not often not often,sometimes.
sometimes I gotta be like yougotta do a little better here,
you gotta, you gotta.

Speaker 1 (48:28):
you gotta do a little better here, you gotta, you
gotta, you gotta like last monthI rated you a nine, this month
you were a seven, so we can justwork back up to that nine
because every, every, everymonth I tell them look, you got
your performance review comingokay, good, dang, gone bye you
got your performance reviewcoming up, you go you go, have
your performance review comingup too oh, it's great 10 out of
10 we.
No, I'm fighting for more childsupport.

(48:49):
You get the whole check.
I'm fighting for more childsupport.

Speaker 2 (48:54):
So yeah, it's just, I don't know if you want to run
through yours too.

Speaker 1 (48:57):
Yeah, so I know we went over avoiding passive
aggression, owning triggers ofpast hurts.
Ok, the emotion belongs to me,even if he's the one who
triggered it.
So again back to the example.
That was my emotion.
I have to be accountable tothat.
I have to find what's inside ofme that makes me feel that way.
When he makes statements likethat, consistent follow through,

(49:20):
I can ask for consistency ifI'm inconsistent with my
commitments.
I can't ask for consistenciesif I'm inconsistent with my
commitments right, so I can'task something of him.
Oh, here he goes, duality, Ican't ask something of him that.
I'm not showcasing.
That's it Myself.

Speaker 2 (49:38):
Right, so stop asking me for money.

Speaker 1 (49:42):
First of all, I don't ask you just take it.
I get money deposited.
You take it, I get moneydeposited.
You take it Every week.
Okay, challenging doublestandards.
I don't get to demand him beingvulnerable while punishing him
Right.
So I'm not going to ask him tobe vulnerable and open with me,
but then attack him or punishhim when he does because I don't

(50:06):
agree with what he said.
And a lot of women do that likeyou say something to me and I'm
asking you to tell me how youfeel, but because the way you
feel doesn't align with how Ithink you should be feeling
you're preaching now that a lotof women do that, and then when
I give him the rebuttal eventhough in my mind I'm it's
coming from a place of I'mtrying to get you to change your
perspective and you should lookat it this way it's coming off

(50:29):
as like OK, now you beat me upafter you asked me to be open,
I'm trying to be open.
Yeah, that's a whole notherepisode.
That's a whole nother episode.
Being honest about burnoutAccountability includes knowing
when you need help.
So, knowing when I need help,she's going to tell me too.
I let him know, like hey, thisweek.

Speaker 2 (50:49):
I need you to do it this week.

Speaker 1 (50:51):
Listen, I'm working at about 30%.

Speaker 2 (50:53):
Remember that episode .

Speaker 1 (50:54):
I was like I'm only operating at about 30%, so I'm
gonna make sure you have yourlunch.
I'm gonna make sure your dinneris prepped.
Outside of that, I don't reallyhave much for you, please don't
come in here with no shitplease, please, and, and you
know, and it's a 50 50 chance ifyou tap me on my shoulder in
the middle of the night, I don'tknow what you're gonna get,
because I already told you I'monly operating at a 30 he's just

(51:18):
laying on top of me, he's justbusiness.
Stop it.
Um, uh, no score.
Oh Lord, that's a really bigone.
Okay, marriage, marriage is not50, 50.

Speaker 2 (51:33):
Most of the time, we have, we have to we have to be.

Speaker 1 (51:36):
It is not like people who this whole 50, 50 thing it
is not.
It's not realistic.
Like I just said just twoseconds ago, sometimes I'm only
operating at 30 and I'm gonnaneed him.
I'm going to need him tooperate at 70.
And, yes, he carries a big load, but that's still my partner.
Pause Bye, that's still mypartner and even with all that

(51:58):
he does, if I need help, I'mgoing to express that I need
help.
When he needs help, he expresseshe needs help, even if I it if
he if he doesn't have it and Isee that he's not trying to be
like you know, he's just tryingto dump a load if I genuinely
see like stop it.
If I genuinely see like heain't got it he, he, he can't,

(52:18):
he, he didn't scrape the bottomof the barrel and even if I'm
scraping the bottom of thebarrel but my barrel is I still
got a little bit left in thetank, but he ain ain't got none
in the tank.
I'm going to just have to.
I'm going to have to take onefor the team.
I'm going to have to take onefor the team.
I'm going to have to let him gethimself straight, because I
know that when he's at the topof his game, order order comes

(52:47):
back demeaning him.
Okay.
So I mean I'm not.
That's really just kind ofsaying things in plain and
simple terms, without throwingdaggers at you, so I can tell
you what it is I actually need,without making some innuendo.
That also is demeaning to youor disrespectful to you.

(53:09):
Modeling the standards that Iwant, setting the standards
through my behaviors and notjust my words, right.

Speaker 2 (53:20):
That goes both ways.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Yeah, it goes both ways, but I can't, I can't.
I have to be the change that Iexpect to see.
I say it all the time, don't Isay it?
I have to be the change that Iexpect to see.

Speaker 2 (53:28):
I say it all the time , don't I say it?
I have to be the change that Iexpect to see.
That's it, that's it.

Speaker 1 (53:31):
If I'm not getting something out of you, I need to
change the behavior withinmyself first.
What I say at the top of theepisode Right?
You got to start with you.
Yeah, it's got to start, it'sno, you have to start with
yourself.
And sometimes those are reallytough pills to swallow, because
it's hard for us to think ofourselves as like, the issue or

(53:52):
the problem, or us contributingto the downfall of a
relationship, or us contributingto why something, you know, why
something, didn't work out, orwhy this person is behaving the
way that they are, or why mywife or my husband doesn't do
the things that I'm asking themto do.
And it's very simple, and Igave him a list and you have to
be the change that you expect tosee within, within your partner

(54:12):
.
It's just plain and simple.
Um, and then, lastly, not usingintimacy as a weapon.

Speaker 2 (54:18):
Oh, Lord, I could have another you in a minute.

Speaker 1 (54:22):
Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute.
Um, yeah, he'll be here in aminute.
Um yeah, I mean, I feel likethat one's pretty much
self-explanatory withholdinglove.
Uh, to punish isn'taccountability right, that's
yeah that's just trying to becontrolling, trying to be
controlling yeah, so it's likethat's.
That's why I say like earlier,even if I'm only operating at 30
.
I've already let you know I'moperating at 30, but when you

(54:44):
tap me on the shoulder I reallydon't know what you're gonna get
.
But but it's a 50-50 chance.
It's going to be a 50-50 chance.
You might come out on top, youmight be successful and if not,
I'm just going to climb on youand do my business, shut up.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
I'm just going to climb on youand do my business.

Speaker 2 (55:03):
No, you're not this, so you're not.
Here are some things thataccountability will look like
for you if you're trying topractice it right.
Okay, you gotta, you gottacheck in with yourself often.
Yeah, you have to reflect.
Yeah, I try to reflect onalmost every interaction I have
with my wife and and and withcertain people that tend to
especially anything that gets meout of out of my nature, out of

(55:25):
character, like, yeah, theywere able to, they had that much
control over you, anything thatgets me out of my nature, out
of character.

Speaker 1 (55:28):
Out of character?
Yeah, they were able to.
They had that much control overyou that they got you out of
character.

Speaker 2 (55:33):
That's one thing you have to apologize and change.
Now we understand that thechange is not going to be
overnight, but it has to besmall changes, small consistent
changes over time.
Right?
Because you can't just keepapologizing and not changing,
because in that point you'relying to yourself and you're
lying to them, right?

Speaker 1 (55:52):
You're just glossing over the situation.

Speaker 2 (55:54):
And it also helps to have some type of therapy Like
I'm a champion for therapy orcoaching.
Have someone that you can talkto.
That will tell you the hardtruth.

Speaker 1 (56:05):
And have an unbiased opinion about things.

Speaker 2 (56:07):
All my opinions are biased because I no, I'm just
playing.

Speaker 1 (56:10):
Bye.

Speaker 2 (56:11):
But they have to have an unbiased opinion, especially
when it's dealing if you'redealing with like with your own
personal relationship, whetheryou're talking to them about
your spouse or whatever the casemay be right or talking to
other married people.
Right, please.
And then, when it comes toaccountability within your
relationship, you know, sit downwith your partner and see hey,
is is what we got going on.
Is it working?

(56:31):
Is is?
Is it working for us?
Do a performance.

Speaker 1 (56:33):
Review of the relationship.

Speaker 2 (56:35):
Right.

Speaker 1 (56:35):
And then reevaluate what the new needs are versus
the old needs and how we can getto a place where we're both
content and friendly and happy.

Speaker 2 (56:46):
And then and then you have to call out each other in
a respectful manner.
You have to approach them andsay, hey, you've been doing this
and this is bothering me.
Hey, have you ever thought, canI ask you why you're doing this
?
Because I don't like the wayyou do this or the way you talk
to me, like you have to havethese conversations because the
issue has to be known for you tomove on Right.

(57:09):
And the most important thingyou can do to have
accountability in a relationshipand a marriage is you have to
honor the agreement and you haveto follow through on your
promises.
You cannot tell your partner oryour spouse that you're going
to do X, y and Z and you keepdoing A, b and C.
Yeah, that's not going to work.
It's going to just buildresentment.
It's going to show them thatyou're not serious about growing

(57:31):
or trying to improve therelationship.
So if you say, hey, I'm goingto take you on more dates.

Speaker 1 (57:36):
Can I never see a date.

Speaker 2 (57:37):
You never see a date In my mind.
We had this conversation.
My wife said I want to datemore and I said okay.

Speaker 1 (57:54):
It was literally, and I said OK, and then it was, it
was really just one day a month,but it was more than what we
was getting.

Speaker 2 (57:59):
Yeah, Now we just record for dates.

Speaker 1 (58:00):
Or we're going to have a bed, a bed date a takeout
, remember, I kind of, and Ikind of, I kind of count our gym
dates, dates no-transcript, andit may not be the most
convenient thing to do, but hedid it so that he could
prioritize us and some timetogether, and then we get to go

(58:22):
to breakfast and stuff onFridays.
So, it's the little things,it's the little things.

Speaker 2 (58:26):
Before we move on to R2Sense, I'm going to just read
this.
You guys can take it as a wordor not.
Not take it as a word.
It says accountability is agift we give ourselves and each
other.
It says I care enough to grow.
Not just for me, but for us,whether you're the wife or the
husband, accountability is thebridge that keeps love alive,

(58:49):
even when life gets hard.
That is a true statement, nice.
So that's a word For me.
It's a word because it's true.
It may not be a word for y'all.

Speaker 1 (58:58):
I like marriage isn't about being right, it's about
being real Girl, and that's likeliterally one of the reasons
why we really wanted to like dothe podcast, like obviously it
gives us time to spend with eachother and you know, we like to
do the funny stories.
We love doing our reactions andstuff like that, and then when

(59:19):
we have episodes like this, it'sbecause for so long, so many
people think that what they gothrough they're the only people
going, you're not you.
And then when they see peoplewho have been together for like
as long as we have, or longer,and they just like have an
assumption, like oh well, that'sbecause it must just be easy
for you guys to like because youget along.

(59:40):
It's not Like we we still gothrough things.
We have gone.
We have gone through challenges, you know, with our own
insecurities.
We've gone through challengeswith our finances.
We've gone through challenges,you know, just us changing as
individuals and we constantlyhave to kind of reinvent, you
know, the relationship in orderto want to stay in it.

(01:00:01):
And that's the thing we westill are at a point where we
want to stay in it but, itdoesn't mean that we're not
going to go through challenges.
It's not going to mean thatthere's periods in which I'm not
, you know, 100% happy in myrelationship.
My husband's not 100% happy inhis relationship.
But we're not intended to be100% satiated all the time,
because that's not how you grow.

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
Yeah, the only thing that make a relationship last is
determination not to leave.

Speaker 1 (01:00:26):
Right, that's it.
Right, and we're both still inthe headset.
That you still here?
Yeah, if you still here, I'm init.
All right, then let's moveforward.

Speaker 2 (01:00:36):
I mean plus the fact I'm not starting over.
I mean, so this one don't workout, it ain't gonna be another
one.

Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
I mean, I've heard what the dating pool is like.

Speaker 2 (01:00:44):
So heard he's a cesspool.

Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
I guess, i'ma just, i'ma just i'ma stand beside him
all right, guys.
So good discussion, babe, um,let's go into.

Speaker 2 (01:00:55):
We might do a series on this, oh goodness yeah, maybe
we'll have to start.

Speaker 1 (01:00:59):
We'll have to start, we'll.
We'll work on something forthat with you guys.
So we'll bring in some othercouples too, at different stages
of marriage and we'll have thatas a discussion.
Um, yeah, so let's move righton into our two cents, okay,
okay, let's start with this one.
Uh, my date asked me to pay fora free meal and I refused.
Okay, crazy.

(01:01:21):
I went to go meet a guy forfirst date at a restaurant that
he chose.
We met in the parking lot andhad a medium, medium-sized box
with him.
When I asked what was inside,he said that it was work-related
and that the restaurant ownerswere clients of his.
He was a salesman for something.
He disappeared for about 15minutes while I was being seated

(01:01:41):
at the restaurant.
It was a bit awkward to besitting at a table all alone for
the first time for the first 15minutes while he double booked
our date with work.
We sat down, we chatted a lot.
He wasn't ready to order.
For the next 30 minutes we wereat the table.
I decided to be a good sportabout it, even though I had been
sitting at the table now for 45minutes and hadn't ordered

(01:02:02):
anything but water During thechatting he admitted to me he
trades goods for meals at therestaurant that we were at.
If, for example, the goods thathe's selling is worth $100
retail, the restaurant will givehim a meal that's worth the
same.
He said that the cost of thegoods are much lower than the
actual retail price, just as thecost of the restaurant for the

(01:02:23):
meal is lower than what the menuprice is.
And that made sense.
We ate and for a few reasonsother than the meal trade, I had
decided that we weren't rightfor one another.
The following day, when hetexted me, I let him know that I
didn't feel a spark between usand that I won't be seeing him
again.
He then texted me that I owedhim money for half of the meal.

(01:02:43):
He said it was customary if awoman decides it's a one time
thing that she should pay forher half of the meal.
I would quote, unquote sort ofagree, but in this case he
didn't even pay for the meal atall.
So I'm not sure.
Is he talking to me as if I hadan agenda that had gotten a
free meal out of him for goingon the date before I even met

(01:03:06):
him?
But am I the asshole for notpaying for a meal that was free
and we never received a bill.

Speaker 2 (01:03:13):
First of all, no, you're not an asshole.
The meal wasn't free.
He bought it for the meal, soit wasn't free.
He did pay something.
He just didn't pay in cash.
But this is wild to me.

Speaker 1 (01:03:21):
Yeah, he said it's customary that if you basically
he said that if you don't agreeto go to a second date, you
basically went on the first dayfor a free meal.
But he already got the meal intrade technically for free
because there was no bill.
So he expects you to give himright cash, right, when he
didn't even the goods wereexchanged for cash.
But he wants to profit.

Speaker 2 (01:03:43):
This is why I always say the first date should be
something like quick and easy,like coffee.

Speaker 1 (01:03:51):
He still probably would have wanted half.

Speaker 2 (01:03:53):
Go to a bagel shop.
He still probably would havewanted half.
You're not an asshole.
You're not an asshole.
I wouldn't give him a dime.

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
I just wouldn't respond After he texted that I
just wouldn't respond it again.
That's fine, blocked.
You can feel the way you feel.
Apparently.
I got a free meal and we canall move on with life.
You should hit him with one ofthem.
Old calls what the hell thatgotta do with the price.
Respond with hashtag heliante,what the hell?
What the hell?
What the heliante?
What the heli cyrus?

(01:04:19):
Okay, last one.
Um, am I the asshole?
My husband will invite hisfamily and friends over without
telling me until the day of.
He then expects me to cookclean, run to the store, prep
and cook everything.
I finally just decided to leavethe house the last time, he
told me because I only had fourhours to their arrival so he

(01:04:42):
canceled.
The thing is his family isconstantly judging and talking
about each other, so when hesays it doesn't matter, they
don't care.
I know, and he knows that he'sfull of it.
Also, it's not just tidying thehouse.
We are not regularly stocked infood or drinks to have people
over.
When I got home, I asked whathe was planning on having for

(01:05:05):
dinner and he responded I don'tknow.
I guess it's a good thing thatthey aren't coming over anymore.
Now he's sulking, saying thatI'm the problem because I can't
just go with the flow.
I've told him multiple timesthat I just need a couple of
days notice just to get thehouse in order, but he insists
that I am being difficult,uptight and uncooperative.

Speaker 2 (01:05:26):
He's not taking accountability for his role.

Speaker 1 (01:05:28):
He's not taking accountability.
How much it takes to get thingsin order to have people at your
house that's what he's In hismind.
He's thinking first of all,it's my family.

Speaker 2 (01:05:38):
It's my house.

Speaker 1 (01:05:39):
Why should it matter?

Speaker 2 (01:05:41):
It does matter, because your family talks shit,
because if mama walking here andhis house is dirty, she's going
to talk shit about me.
She's going to talk shit aboutme the whole time.
Yep, it matters.

Speaker 1 (01:05:48):
She's going to talk.
She's not going to say, son,when is the last time you
cleaned these countertops?
She going to say my son didmarry a lazy woman.
Did y'all see them countertops?
Because she know, like she said, his family talks shit All the
time and shit about each other.
So I know, if things are not inorder, right.
And then some of you might besaying, well, if the house is

(01:06:10):
constantly clean, then thatwouldn't be a problem.

Speaker 2 (01:06:12):
Be at bff, it's like, even if the house is constantly
clean.
She just said that the househas never stopped, so he expects
her to drop everything and goget everything and then cook
everything because his family iscoming over like it's not, it's
not gonna happen.

Speaker 1 (01:06:25):
If he, if he comes to me and says like oh, um, you
know everybody's coming over attwo o'clock and it's 10 am, you
can go ahead and send a masstext and let them know that we
will reschedule for nextsaturday.
Right, we're gonna reschedulefor next saturday, because what
I'm not about to do is try tohurry up and get to the store,
get all this stuff, get here,cook and then, and then there's

(01:06:46):
certain things that you lookaround the house and you're like
oh, like, let me clean that,because that's gonna be the one
thing that somebody else noticesyou know, and yes, it may be
something that I clean often,but now I gotta take time out of
cooking, prepping, going to thestore to sit here and clean
that and you're not doingnothing and it's not that she's
saying they can't come, shedon't want them to come.

Speaker 2 (01:07:04):
She just said give me a me a heads up.

Speaker 1 (01:07:07):
Yeah, no, that's because.
Can you let me know?

Speaker 2 (01:07:08):
a couple of days before.

Speaker 1 (01:07:09):
That's because they're sitting there talking.

Speaker 2 (01:07:11):
Because maybe I could do a little.
I could do a little this day, alittle this day.

Speaker 1 (01:07:14):
I can do the bathrooms on Monday.
I can do the downstairs onTuesday.
I can do this on Wednesday.
That's going to be cooked forSaturday and then.
Saturday morning boo.

Speaker 2 (01:07:26):
Here's the thing Come on Ma'am you're not the asshole
.
No I would just say hey, howabout from now on we go to they
house?

Speaker 1 (01:07:32):
Right, why can't we do a same day planned trip to
their home?
Right, let's do that.
Right, let's give them a twohour notice.
Right, I can't.

Speaker 2 (01:07:44):
Well, this has been another episode of the Life
After I Do podcast.

Speaker 1 (01:07:48):
If you're not doing so already, don't forget to like
, comment, share all of thethings, follow.
Tell a friend to tell a friend.

Speaker 2 (01:07:53):
Tell a friend to tell a friend To tell a friend and
then tell a grandma and a mamayes, and the hellionte.
What's the hellionte?
The hellionte, the hellionte.

Speaker 1 (01:08:02):
Follow us at Life After.
I Do podcast on Instagram,tiktok TikTok, facebook and
YouTube.
I was about to say Instacart wenot on Instacart?
You can also oh, flip, you canalso write into us at
lifeafteridopodcast at gmailcom.
You get a new episode everyWednesday, guys, thanks for

(01:08:25):
listening, thanks for rockingwith us, until next time.
Peace Booskaronis, peaceBooskis.

Speaker 2 (01:08:30):
What the Miley Cyrus.