August 26, 2024 • 22 mins
After 18 months we find out what's been going on in Toni's life. In this episode it's all about family dynamics and how we cope with them. Toni talks about her children heading into the adult world and moving out of home and how she has handled that, Lisa has also just discovered this world with one of her sons moving out and Steph talks about how her grandmother is the matriarch of the family but is encouraging her to step up and take on that role.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there. My name is Tony Tanalia. I am one
third of the Life as We Know It podcast. It's
a podcast where you've got three ladies from three different generations.
There's myself who's in it for the fifties, Lisa Cameron,
who is in her forties, and Steph Halliman Taris who's
in her thirties. Hope you enjoyed this episode. We got
to get into time.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I know what's been had.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
I know you're like the soundboard for the both of us.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
Like she is out all the time, like she's out
going to see her.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
It's amazing what you can do on social media to
make it look like you're out all the time.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
Do you know.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I went through this phase though where I was going
to a lot of movie screenings or stage shows and
stuff like that, and then I just got too tired.
I couldn't go to everything as much as I wanted to,
I just couldn't do it all. And then I've still
got the soccer work that I do because I'm still
involved with with George Cross, Caroline Springs, George Cross, and
I still do the social media, so I had that
(00:57):
still going on, and then the games and I was
like I was in the soccer games and then work,
and I was like, I can't keep doing this. I
was just getting too old for it. Yeah, really starting
to feel like part of me feels like I'm getting
close to sixty, but I don't want to. I don't
want it to hit me. That makes it like. I
(01:18):
actually caught up with two of my best friends and
one of them recently had birthday when I say recently
back in May, and then we had my birthday right,
and my birthday was in July. And it's so funny
because we're out for dinner and something came up about
my age and one of my friends said, oh, you're
(01:39):
fifty six, and I said no. She's just looked at me.
I said, I'm fifty seven, and she's like, no, you're
fifty six. I think I know how old I am,
and it's not fifty six. I said to them, I said,
I'm closer to sixty than I am fifty. And they've
just looked at me, almost a horrified look on their face, right,
because it's that real setting in. Yeah, and I don't
(02:02):
feel like I'm getting close to sixty when you don't
act like I have to keep saying to myself, it's
just a numbers, just a number. It's just a number.
But then my body goes the fuck that is just
a number. But there's part I'm seriously my back my
dad seriously. I know. I know, but at least I
(02:24):
can say my back issues are actually like a disc
issue or it's a nerve issue, right, So it's not
it's not just my back is so there's something actually
going on. There's not actually going.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
On there, just issues.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
But the thing is what I've started doing. And I
started doing this back in January, and it's something that
I've been wanting to do for a while but just
kept putting it off. I've started doing pilates. Yes, so
while I still have back issues, it's not as bad
as it was. And I will have stages I go.
I have days there where I feel like I can't
move and that's got to do with maybe a change
(03:00):
in the weather or I've done something, but they can
That's when I was sitting there, going, you're getting closer
to sixty ten, don't know, I've been saying that. So
it's like in that respect, like I just a part
of me feels like I'm getting to that that side
of the hill, but the rest of me doesn't want
to be there. My brain's saying, you know, I'm not there,
(03:23):
So it's it's it's that for me. That's what's been
the journey in the past sort of eighteen months. It's
actually coming to terms with there are things I can't
do that I used to be able to do, but
and I'm restricted because of you know, like I said,
what's going on with my back. I used to be able.
Not that I was a runner, right, but if I
went for a bit of a walk, I could go
(03:44):
for a bit of a jog as well. I don't
feel like I can do that, and I can feel
the like my disks banging. I feel like.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I'm so old, it's awful.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Please don't please, don't cain like you.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Just like you have just got way too much personality
to even But.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
This is that's why I don't feel like I'm getting Yeah,
and you're so active and you know, part of your
like soccer community and everything, like you're so engaged with
life and the guy.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
I'm loving what I'm doing. Lisa. You were saying before
about after that relationship with the guy that you you
said to yourself, I now need to focus on me,
you know, and that's what I feel like I've been
doing more and more in the last eighteen months. It
will take is that when we last spoke, because I've
(04:33):
got obviously the three kids. Right, So Jess moved out
ages ago, and she's still with her partner and they're
still happy and living together. And Josh was still at home,
and so Josh was a few months at my house,
a few months at his girlfriend's house. They both moved
out moved in together July last year. So now I've
(04:53):
just got Liam at home. And I don't remember because
I listened back to our other podcast what we did,
and I remember saying in that I'm sitting there thinking
I'm waiting for him to move out now, right, that's
still the case. I love him being there, and he
and I we have a great relationship, Like we get
on really well. We travel well together. We've gone gone
(05:14):
away on holidays, and there's been never been an issue,
you know, like we'll do what he wants to do,
but then he's happy to do what I want to do.
There's a really good balance between us. But I also
in that time I've gone I'm now going to do
things for me, you know, if I want to go shopping,
which is a rarety because I don't go shopping much
(05:36):
at all, But if I want to, I can just go. Yeah,
But having him at home, I still am conscious of
how long I leave him at home for, or saying
to him, listen, I want to go shopping. I'm going
to go out and do this. Whereas I suppose if
there was nobody there, I wouldn't have to think twice
about it. Yeah, but with him still there, I do
still think about the fact that he's still there.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
He is so funny that you say that, because now
that's what I'm thinking, Whereas I never thought about that before.
I was like, now I'm like, oh, I got to
get home, yes time ye, or you know, I can't
leave for too long because then you know, there's bath
time and then, you know, or leaving just for the
quick hour.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
What the heck.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
I'd never did that before.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
I had no concept of time, I know, I know. Yeah,
So I'm just entering that now.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, yeah, I know. And it doesn't it doesn't stop,
it really doesn't.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
But like listening to what you guys have been up
to for the last you know, fifteen to eighteen months,
I still feel like not a lot has changed in
my life, Like is that part of getting older? Like
just do things slow down? You know? Like I'm still
on my own. Yeah, but again I'm happy on my own. Yeah.
(06:50):
I feel like I said, it's one of those where
I go and do what I want to do. The
only the only downside to that sometimes is if I
want to go somewhere and I don't have an issue
going to shows or stuff like that on my own,
but it's nice to go with people. So I've been
draggingly about but having said that, starting to get him
(07:10):
to come out to stuff. He's got into it. Like
the movie thing is a no brainer. We love going
to movies together. So that's that's not like I said,
no brainer there. But the stage shows have been the
interesting one and some of the Initially I thought, I
don't know how I'm going to how he's going to
go with these? Is he going to go? I can't
be bothered. I don't want to go. He's come to
(07:30):
nearly every stage show that I've been invited to, so.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
He's like the best person to go out with you.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
It's just I feel like, now that your kids are adults.
They're they're like your friends now not your kids, or
do they still for your your kids?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Like, how has that changed for you? The relationship definitely
has changed. And it had to be from my side, okay,
and then over time it became from their side. So
for me, my first thing was I had to get
it into my head that yes, they are my kids,
but they're adults. Yeah, okay, you know. And for me,
the eye opener for me was Liam hadn't turned eighteen yet.
(08:14):
H He was eighteen in November last year, So prior
to that, I was still seeing him as like a
thirteen year old kid. That's that in my head. He
was still only thirteen. And I had to say to myself,
there's not a kid anymore. He is a man. Like
he's about to be eighteen, you can vote. That was
the eye opener for me. And so when I changed
(08:37):
how I was with him and then and the same
with Josh and with Jess. You know, by changing how
I was with them, it then it made them change
how they were with me.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
In a good way.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
In a good way.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Yeah yeah, And your kids are sort of in that
in between space now yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
Yeah, so they I've got my two oldest ones. So
my oldest one vtually suddenly being his dad when he
was like fifteen, yep, And he would come out every
second weekend, and then by the time he was sixteen,
that pretty much stopped, so he was at his dad's.
And then I had my middle one with me for
(09:16):
just over a year, and Jesus Christ, that was like
the hardest year ever.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Wow, how old was he fifteen?
Speaker 4 (09:25):
It was you know they say that fifteen or year nine.
It was that really tough age, especially.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
For me with Josh, and Josh was like dream child
until it was just that that. You know, it wasn't
even a year I reckon with him. I reckon it
was a good six seven eight months.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Yeah, okay, Yeah. My middle one was never a dream child.
He was always very cheeky and do you know what's
so funny? In primary school I always had in my
head that year nine was going to be tough with him,
and I even thought to myself that I might actually
have to take a year off work just to be
there with him. Wow. Anyway, it was so lucky that
I had the coffee van in a lot of ways,
(10:01):
because I was home by twelve o'clock. It was tough
in the mornings because getting him up for school was
really challenging. But thankfully I had my dad there to help,
and you know, and he was still in touch with
his dad and seeing him every second weekend and that.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
But I had the bulk of it.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
And I love to be a little bit naughty when
I was a teenager, but not to the level that
my son took it. Like it was just a heart
attack after heart attack after heart attack. Like he got
suspended three times, detentions every week. I can't even that's
so stressful for a parent, so stressful. And this kid
(10:42):
was just growing at a rapid rate, like every morning.
I'm like, oh my god, Like he's turning into a man,
like every day, you know, and you could just feel
the testosterone surging and surging each day. And I'm like,
I actually got to a place by the end of
the year. So December last year, I literally broke down.
I was in his bedroom room and I just it
was just after another incident that we had, and I
(11:03):
fell to the floor crying and I just said, I
can't do this anymore, and I don't know what to do.
The poor thing.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
He started crying as well. He's on the floor with me.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Oh Tie, it was so and it really was, like
you said, seeing you cry like that made me realize
that I just can't be like that anymore. And he said,
on reflection, he was trying to fit in. So we'd
move from fitzroy out to going out to school in Sunbury,
and he was just trying to fit in, and he
was doing all the things that no one else wanted
(11:37):
to do. He would put his hand up to do them,
so all the naughty things that you could think of,
he would go, I'll do it as a way to
try and create social groups. But at the time I
couldn't see that he didn't understand what he was doing.
You know, it took months for him to reflect on that.
But Jesus Christ, what a year like Literally, the phone
(11:59):
would really every day with the teachers.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yep, he's done this, he's done that. Oh my god,
what now?
Speaker 4 (12:07):
So yeah, it was a really tough year. But now
he's back with his dad. So we came to the
decision that he actually wanted to go back to his
old school and be with his old mates. And for me,
I said, look, I'm not a big fan of you
going back and forth between schools because he'd come from
his old school out to Summary and then back again
(12:28):
and it was only year nine, so there's a lot
of chopping and changing. But what I'm a big fan
of is that you need your dad right now, you
need him more than ever because you are a young man.
And I just didn't feel that I could give him
what he needed at this point in time. And you know,
I'm still there as much as I can supporting him,
(12:50):
but he has got a social life that is off
the scales, Like trying to book in a hello with
him is you know, it's ridiculous. But I do what
I can in the time that I can meet up
with him. But I just really, you know, I really
come to that place where, you know, him growing into
a young man, he needed his dad, and you know,
(13:11):
it's been the best thing for him. He's still has
his moments, but nothing like it was when he was fifteen. So,
but it's also been a really hard year this year
because not seeing my sons together as brothers is really
has actually been quite awful. Yeah, I'll probably cry, but
(13:36):
I had the first six months this year just crying
every day because you don't have kids to have them
living in different houses. You know, you just think you
have a family and you'll be together and you'll get
to see them grow up and you get to see
them interact with each other and you get to meet
(13:57):
their friends. But my youngest one, you know, does fifty
to fifty with me and his dad bed. It's you know,
it's a luxury in a lot of ways to not
have your kids. I mean the freedom, not that I'm
doing stuff during the week anyway, but.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
It gives you. It gives you that time out time,
that time that you need to recharge your own back gas.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Yeah, it gives you that, it does.
Speaker 4 (14:23):
But to not see your son's growing up together, it's
it's pretty awful.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
But the thing is too they will come together at
some point. Yeah, because with Jess, she moved out when
she was not even eighteen yet. I get that. So
I mean I had the two boys together, but their
sister wasn't there, and so they were they were doing
a similar sort of thing growing up not together. Yeah,
(14:54):
but I see them together now and the relationship is there. Yeah,
I suppose a way to look at it, which I
don't know if this helps you or not, But you
think about us as adults. You know, we're not with
our brothers and sisters all the time. No, that's right,
So it is. You know, it's just harder when they're
that young. I understand they're that young, and you know,
(15:17):
just like I think of growing up with my sisters.
You know, we're hanging out in the kitchen together. You know,
we're having dinner together, We're doing all that that doesn't happen,
you know, and they've got their own lives too. Like
my oldest son's working, so you know, I've pretty much
given up on asking him if he wants to meet
up for dinner because he's nineteen, right, So yeah, he's nineteen.
(15:37):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (15:38):
My middle one sixteen and my youngest one is fourteen.
So trying to coordinate stuff with them, I'm just like, okay,
I'm just going to back off and give them space
because they need that, the young men, and they need
to do that. But yeah, look, it's been hard. Someone
asked me how I cope with it, and I just said, look,
I just I don't now, like it was just the
(15:59):
first six months this year, but I just said, I
just cry every morning and then I just get up
and go to work because what else can you do
in a situation when you get divorced. Yep, you know,
and what you you know? Well, for me, ultimately, what
I want is I want my children to feel that
they have a home and they feel grounded and they
feel connected to their mates, especially when they're teenagers and
(16:22):
having to go back and forth between two houses. It's
not ideal. And I never want them to think they
have to come to my house to see me. You know,
I want them to come and see me, but I
want them to have a social life and I want
them to start living their life. So you know, it's
just accepting that, well, this is the age that they're
(16:45):
at anyway.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
But yeah, not seeing them together is that's it.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
How do you feel about that time you like with
your kids? Like, do do you organize things where they're
all together?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
It's hard? Yeah, okay, like even trying to organized for
my birthday to get everybody together. Because see, Jess now
works shift work, so she does youth work and so
she does the overnight shift. Yeah, and her shifts are
usually like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday on a weekend. Josh
(17:18):
works six days a week. He works in construction and
then Liam's owning with me. And then there's the partners.
You've got a factor in as well. So Jess's partner,
he's studying. Josh's partner, Chantal, she you know, she's got
work as well. So it actually trying to get everybody
together is actually harder. Yeah, yeah, you know, Like I mean,
(17:38):
we managed to catch up for my birthday. We didn't
on the night, but then that was me also strategically
placing where I was going to be, who I could
have dinner with, what nights or whatever else. Right, So
I've gone o going out for dinner with the girls
on my birthday and then on the Saturday night, because
I knew I had to work at soccer, I thought,
I'll get the kids to come to the club and
we'll have dinner in the bistro there. But even then,
(17:59):
when you together, we're not together that long because you know,
Jess has got to leave to go to work, Josh
getting up for work the next morning. It's it does
as they get older, it does get harder to bring
everybody together.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
I just I commend, like, how do like my grandma,
how the heck.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Does she do it? You know, she coordinate everybody together,
but it's almost like it becomes the rule, right, It's true. Yeah,
So when the kids know for my birthday we're catching up,
I just need to tell you what night it's going
to be, so like Christmas Christmas last year. And I
said to the kids, I actually want us even if
it is Christmas Eve, I want all of us together
(18:39):
because there's a good chance on Christmas Day that they've
got their partner's parents to visit. And I said, as
long as we've got one day that we are all together,
then if we don't see everybody together Christmas Day, it
might be one of you comes at lunch and the
other one comes at dinner or whatever else, then no,
I'm fine with that. As long as we have that
one time that we are all together, yeah, then that's fine.
(19:03):
You know.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
My grandma has this.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
She is a tough woman.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
My grand and I love her.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
That's the other reason everybody's together, because your grandma is
a tough She is a tough woman.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
And if anybody argues in her, in her family, she.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Is she never steps back.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
She is she is wanting to fix it. That's that's
that's who she and I love that about her. She
she's like she actually sits everyone together and she's like,
all right, you're gonna do this, You're gonna do that,
You're going to talk to this person, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
We're all gonna move on.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Like that woman is incredible and she is my biggest
role model because oh yeah, And now that I'm entering
this space and I see other grandma's yeah yeah, non
as the way they do it and the way my
grandma does it, I go, I love that because she
has the way she keeps everyone together is incredible, Like,
(20:01):
and this is why we have such a close bond.
I'm trying to take this advice. And that's why I'm
asking you guys, because I'm only just entering this space.
I'm like, oh, how do I have a good relationship
with my daughter?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
How do I teach her good values?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
How how do we get through the fifteen stage? What's
gonna happen when she meets a partner? And I know
it's silly to be thinking this way, but I have
to think moving forward as well. Like I've got one brother,
Nick's got two brothers. One brother's got a girlfriend, the
other two a single. We're the first ones. And then
my grandma she got me on the phone. She goes,
(20:35):
you're the oldest step you need to bring everyone together.
Speaker 4 (20:38):
And I was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Wow, you're like two. I see now, I.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Know, and I'm learning.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
But my grandma's here is seeing conflict resolution. I'm gonna
be there the next time you get two kids together
and take some pointers.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Because it's with family stuff, like, everybody can get so
explosive and emotional, and there's.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
We know it, we know it. So how do you
look at things from You need to let everyone explode? Yeah, yeah, right,
and then once everyone's finished exploding, then you have the conversation.
I've got a brother, Oh my god, seriously, I've got
one brother who is like my mum, oh wow. And
he hates it when I say that, but he's so
(21:20):
much my mum. It's not funny and he'll explode everybody
out of his life and yeh yeh fine, do that,
do that, and it must have calmed down. Then you
have the conversation with him. You can actually, yeah, god,
let him do it.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I had two uncles who got that explosive.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
They took restraining orders out of it, but then they
couldn't remember what they took.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
It. Yeah, it just gets hot and passionate and vire.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Oh my god, it's insane. Families, Hey, I hope you
enjoyed this episode of the Life as We Know podcast.
This is a podcast where you get three ladies from
three different generations, myself, Tony Tanalia in the fifties, Lisa
Cameron in the forties, and Steph Helen Taris in her thirties.
Can't wait to talk to you in our next episode.
Hey there. My name is Tony Tanalia. I am one
third of the Life as We Know It podcast. It's
a podcast where you've got three ladies from three different generations.
There's myself who's in it for the fifties, Lisa Cameron,
who is in her forties, and Steph Halliman Taris who's
in her thirties. Hope you enjoyed this episode. We got
to get into time.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I know what's been had.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
I know you're like the soundboard for the both of us.
Speaker 4 (00:25):
Like she is out all the time, like she's out
going to see her.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
It's amazing what you can do on social media to
make it look like you're out all the time.
Speaker 4 (00:35):
Do you know.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
I went through this phase though where I was going
to a lot of movie screenings or stage shows and
stuff like that, and then I just got too tired.
I couldn't go to everything as much as I wanted to,
I just couldn't do it all. And then I've still
got the soccer work that I do because I'm still
involved with with George Cross, Caroline Springs, George Cross, and
I still do the social media, so I had that
(00:57):
still going on, and then the games and I was
like I was in the soccer games and then work,
and I was like, I can't keep doing this. I
was just getting too old for it. Yeah, really starting
to feel like part of me feels like I'm getting
close to sixty, but I don't want to. I don't
want it to hit me. That makes it like. I
(01:18):
actually caught up with two of my best friends and
one of them recently had birthday when I say recently
back in May, and then we had my birthday right,
and my birthday was in July. And it's so funny
because we're out for dinner and something came up about
my age and one of my friends said, oh, you're
(01:39):
fifty six, and I said no. She's just looked at me.
I said, I'm fifty seven, and she's like, no, you're
fifty six. I think I know how old I am,
and it's not fifty six. I said to them, I said,
I'm closer to sixty than I am fifty. And they've
just looked at me, almost a horrified look on their face, right,
because it's that real setting in. Yeah, and I don't
(02:02):
feel like I'm getting close to sixty when you don't
act like I have to keep saying to myself, it's
just a numbers, just a number. It's just a number.
But then my body goes the fuck that is just
a number. But there's part I'm seriously my back my
dad seriously. I know. I know, but at least I
(02:24):
can say my back issues are actually like a disc
issue or it's a nerve issue, right, So it's not
it's not just my back is so there's something actually
going on. There's not actually going.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
On there, just issues.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
But the thing is what I've started doing. And I
started doing this back in January, and it's something that
I've been wanting to do for a while but just
kept putting it off. I've started doing pilates. Yes, so
while I still have back issues, it's not as bad
as it was. And I will have stages I go.
I have days there where I feel like I can't
move and that's got to do with maybe a change
(03:00):
in the weather or I've done something, but they can
That's when I was sitting there, going, you're getting closer
to sixty ten, don't know, I've been saying that. So
it's like in that respect, like I just a part
of me feels like I'm getting to that that side
of the hill, but the rest of me doesn't want
to be there. My brain's saying, you know, I'm not there,
(03:23):
So it's it's it's that for me. That's what's been
the journey in the past sort of eighteen months. It's
actually coming to terms with there are things I can't
do that I used to be able to do, but
and I'm restricted because of you know, like I said,
what's going on with my back. I used to be able.
Not that I was a runner, right, but if I
went for a bit of a walk, I could go
(03:44):
for a bit of a jog as well. I don't
feel like I can do that, and I can feel
the like my disks banging. I feel like.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
I'm so old, it's awful.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Please don't please, don't cain like you.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Just like you have just got way too much personality
to even But.
Speaker 4 (04:01):
This is that's why I don't feel like I'm getting Yeah,
and you're so active and you know, part of your
like soccer community and everything, like you're so engaged with
life and the guy.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
I'm loving what I'm doing. Lisa. You were saying before
about after that relationship with the guy that you you
said to yourself, I now need to focus on me,
you know, and that's what I feel like I've been
doing more and more in the last eighteen months. It
will take is that when we last spoke, because I've
(04:33):
got obviously the three kids. Right, So Jess moved out
ages ago, and she's still with her partner and they're
still happy and living together. And Josh was still at home,
and so Josh was a few months at my house,
a few months at his girlfriend's house. They both moved
out moved in together July last year. So now I've
(04:53):
just got Liam at home. And I don't remember because
I listened back to our other podcast what we did,
and I remember saying in that I'm sitting there thinking
I'm waiting for him to move out now, right, that's
still the case. I love him being there, and he
and I we have a great relationship, Like we get
on really well. We travel well together. We've gone gone
(05:14):
away on holidays, and there's been never been an issue,
you know, like we'll do what he wants to do,
but then he's happy to do what I want to do.
There's a really good balance between us. But I also
in that time I've gone I'm now going to do
things for me, you know, if I want to go shopping,
which is a rarety because I don't go shopping much
(05:36):
at all, But if I want to, I can just go. Yeah,
But having him at home, I still am conscious of
how long I leave him at home for, or saying
to him, listen, I want to go shopping. I'm going
to go out and do this. Whereas I suppose if
there was nobody there, I wouldn't have to think twice
about it. Yeah, but with him still there, I do
still think about the fact that he's still there.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
He is so funny that you say that, because now
that's what I'm thinking, Whereas I never thought about that before.
I was like, now I'm like, oh, I got to
get home, yes time ye, or you know, I can't
leave for too long because then you know, there's bath
time and then, you know, or leaving just for the
quick hour.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
What the heck.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
I'd never did that before.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
I had no concept of time, I know, I know. Yeah,
So I'm just entering that now.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, yeah, I know. And it doesn't it doesn't stop,
it really doesn't.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
But like listening to what you guys have been up
to for the last you know, fifteen to eighteen months,
I still feel like not a lot has changed in
my life, Like is that part of getting older? Like
just do things slow down? You know? Like I'm still
on my own. Yeah, but again I'm happy on my own. Yeah.
(06:50):
I feel like I said, it's one of those where
I go and do what I want to do. The
only the only downside to that sometimes is if I
want to go somewhere and I don't have an issue
going to shows or stuff like that on my own,
but it's nice to go with people. So I've been
draggingly about but having said that, starting to get him
(07:10):
to come out to stuff. He's got into it. Like
the movie thing is a no brainer. We love going
to movies together. So that's that's not like I said,
no brainer there. But the stage shows have been the
interesting one and some of the Initially I thought, I
don't know how I'm going to how he's going to
go with these? Is he going to go? I can't
be bothered. I don't want to go. He's come to
(07:30):
nearly every stage show that I've been invited to, so.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
He's like the best person to go out with you.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
It's just I feel like, now that your kids are adults.
They're they're like your friends now not your kids, or
do they still for your your kids?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Like, how has that changed for you? The relationship definitely
has changed. And it had to be from my side, okay,
and then over time it became from their side. So
for me, my first thing was I had to get
it into my head that yes, they are my kids,
but they're adults. Yeah, okay, you know. And for me,
the eye opener for me was Liam hadn't turned eighteen yet.
(08:14):
H He was eighteen in November last year, So prior
to that, I was still seeing him as like a
thirteen year old kid. That's that in my head. He
was still only thirteen. And I had to say to myself,
there's not a kid anymore. He is a man. Like
he's about to be eighteen, you can vote. That was
the eye opener for me. And so when I changed
(08:37):
how I was with him and then and the same
with Josh and with Jess. You know, by changing how
I was with them, it then it made them change
how they were with me.
Speaker 4 (08:48):
In a good way.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
In a good way.
Speaker 3 (08:50):
Yeah yeah, And your kids are sort of in that
in between space now yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
Yeah, so they I've got my two oldest ones. So
my oldest one vtually suddenly being his dad when he
was like fifteen, yep, And he would come out every
second weekend, and then by the time he was sixteen,
that pretty much stopped, so he was at his dad's.
And then I had my middle one with me for
(09:16):
just over a year, and Jesus Christ, that was like
the hardest year ever.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Wow, how old was he fifteen?
Speaker 4 (09:25):
It was you know they say that fifteen or year nine.
It was that really tough age, especially.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
For me with Josh, and Josh was like dream child
until it was just that that. You know, it wasn't
even a year I reckon with him. I reckon it
was a good six seven eight months.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Yeah, okay, Yeah. My middle one was never a dream child.
He was always very cheeky and do you know what's
so funny? In primary school I always had in my
head that year nine was going to be tough with him,
and I even thought to myself that I might actually
have to take a year off work just to be
there with him. Wow. Anyway, it was so lucky that
I had the coffee van in a lot of ways,
(10:01):
because I was home by twelve o'clock. It was tough
in the mornings because getting him up for school was
really challenging. But thankfully I had my dad there to help,
and you know, and he was still in touch with
his dad and seeing him every second weekend and that.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
But I had the bulk of it.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
And I love to be a little bit naughty when
I was a teenager, but not to the level that
my son took it. Like it was just a heart
attack after heart attack after heart attack. Like he got
suspended three times, detentions every week. I can't even that's
so stressful for a parent, so stressful. And this kid
(10:42):
was just growing at a rapid rate, like every morning.
I'm like, oh my god, Like he's turning into a man,
like every day, you know, and you could just feel
the testosterone surging and surging each day. And I'm like,
I actually got to a place by the end of
the year. So December last year, I literally broke down.
I was in his bedroom room and I just it
was just after another incident that we had, and I
(11:03):
fell to the floor crying and I just said, I
can't do this anymore, and I don't know what to do.
The poor thing.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
He started crying as well. He's on the floor with me.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
Oh Tie, it was so and it really was, like
you said, seeing you cry like that made me realize
that I just can't be like that anymore. And he said,
on reflection, he was trying to fit in. So we'd
move from fitzroy out to going out to school in Sunbury,
and he was just trying to fit in, and he
was doing all the things that no one else wanted
(11:37):
to do. He would put his hand up to do them,
so all the naughty things that you could think of,
he would go, I'll do it as a way to
try and create social groups. But at the time I
couldn't see that he didn't understand what he was doing.
You know, it took months for him to reflect on that.
But Jesus Christ, what a year like Literally, the phone
(11:59):
would really every day with the teachers.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yep, he's done this, he's done that. Oh my god,
what now?
Speaker 4 (12:07):
So yeah, it was a really tough year. But now
he's back with his dad. So we came to the
decision that he actually wanted to go back to his
old school and be with his old mates. And for me,
I said, look, I'm not a big fan of you
going back and forth between schools because he'd come from
his old school out to Summary and then back again
(12:28):
and it was only year nine, so there's a lot
of chopping and changing. But what I'm a big fan
of is that you need your dad right now, you
need him more than ever because you are a young man.
And I just didn't feel that I could give him
what he needed at this point in time. And you know,
I'm still there as much as I can supporting him,
(12:50):
but he has got a social life that is off
the scales, Like trying to book in a hello with
him is you know, it's ridiculous. But I do what
I can in the time that I can meet up
with him. But I just really, you know, I really
come to that place where, you know, him growing into
a young man, he needed his dad, and you know,
(13:11):
it's been the best thing for him. He's still has
his moments, but nothing like it was when he was fifteen. So,
but it's also been a really hard year this year
because not seeing my sons together as brothers is really
has actually been quite awful. Yeah, I'll probably cry, but
(13:36):
I had the first six months this year just crying
every day because you don't have kids to have them
living in different houses. You know, you just think you
have a family and you'll be together and you'll get
to see them grow up and you get to see
them interact with each other and you get to meet
(13:57):
their friends. But my youngest one, you know, does fifty
to fifty with me and his dad bed. It's you know,
it's a luxury in a lot of ways to not
have your kids. I mean the freedom, not that I'm
doing stuff during the week anyway, but.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
It gives you. It gives you that time out time,
that time that you need to recharge your own back gas.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Yeah, it gives you that, it does.
Speaker 4 (14:23):
But to not see your son's growing up together, it's
it's pretty awful.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
But the thing is too they will come together at
some point. Yeah, because with Jess, she moved out when
she was not even eighteen yet. I get that. So
I mean I had the two boys together, but their
sister wasn't there, and so they were they were doing
a similar sort of thing growing up not together. Yeah,
(14:54):
but I see them together now and the relationship is there. Yeah,
I suppose a way to look at it, which I
don't know if this helps you or not, But you
think about us as adults. You know, we're not with
our brothers and sisters all the time. No, that's right,
So it is. You know, it's just harder when they're
that young. I understand they're that young, and you know,
(15:17):
just like I think of growing up with my sisters.
You know, we're hanging out in the kitchen together. You know,
we're having dinner together, We're doing all that that doesn't happen,
you know, and they've got their own lives too. Like
my oldest son's working, so you know, I've pretty much
given up on asking him if he wants to meet
up for dinner because he's nineteen, right, So yeah, he's nineteen.
(15:37):
Oh my god.
Speaker 4 (15:38):
My middle one sixteen and my youngest one is fourteen.
So trying to coordinate stuff with them, I'm just like, okay,
I'm just going to back off and give them space
because they need that, the young men, and they need
to do that. But yeah, look, it's been hard. Someone
asked me how I cope with it, and I just said, look,
I just I don't now, like it was just the
(15:59):
first six months this year, but I just said, I
just cry every morning and then I just get up
and go to work because what else can you do
in a situation when you get divorced. Yep, you know,
and what you you know? Well, for me, ultimately, what
I want is I want my children to feel that
they have a home and they feel grounded and they
feel connected to their mates, especially when they're teenagers and
(16:22):
having to go back and forth between two houses. It's
not ideal. And I never want them to think they
have to come to my house to see me. You know,
I want them to come and see me, but I
want them to have a social life and I want
them to start living their life. So you know, it's
just accepting that, well, this is the age that they're
(16:45):
at anyway.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
But yeah, not seeing them together is that's it.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
How do you feel about that time you like with
your kids? Like, do do you organize things where they're
all together?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
It's hard? Yeah, okay, like even trying to organized for
my birthday to get everybody together. Because see, Jess now
works shift work, so she does youth work and so
she does the overnight shift. Yeah, and her shifts are
usually like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday on a weekend. Josh
(17:18):
works six days a week. He works in construction and
then Liam's owning with me. And then there's the partners.
You've got a factor in as well. So Jess's partner,
he's studying. Josh's partner, Chantal, she you know, she's got
work as well. So it actually trying to get everybody
together is actually harder. Yeah, yeah, you know, Like I mean,
(17:38):
we managed to catch up for my birthday. We didn't
on the night, but then that was me also strategically
placing where I was going to be, who I could
have dinner with, what nights or whatever else. Right, So
I've gone o going out for dinner with the girls
on my birthday and then on the Saturday night, because
I knew I had to work at soccer, I thought,
I'll get the kids to come to the club and
we'll have dinner in the bistro there. But even then,
(17:59):
when you together, we're not together that long because you know,
Jess has got to leave to go to work, Josh
getting up for work the next morning. It's it does
as they get older, it does get harder to bring
everybody together.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
I just I commend, like, how do like my grandma,
how the heck.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Does she do it? You know, she coordinate everybody together,
but it's almost like it becomes the rule, right, It's true. Yeah,
So when the kids know for my birthday we're catching up,
I just need to tell you what night it's going
to be, so like Christmas Christmas last year. And I
said to the kids, I actually want us even if
it is Christmas Eve, I want all of us together
(18:39):
because there's a good chance on Christmas Day that they've
got their partner's parents to visit. And I said, as
long as we've got one day that we are all together,
then if we don't see everybody together Christmas Day, it
might be one of you comes at lunch and the
other one comes at dinner or whatever else, then no,
I'm fine with that. As long as we have that
one time that we are all together, yeah, then that's fine.
(19:03):
You know.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
My grandma has this.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
She is a tough woman.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
My grand and I love her.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
That's the other reason everybody's together, because your grandma is
a tough She is a tough woman.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
And if anybody argues in her, in her family, she.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Is she never steps back.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
She is she is wanting to fix it. That's that's
that's who she and I love that about her. She
she's like she actually sits everyone together and she's like,
all right, you're gonna do this, You're gonna do that,
You're going to talk to this person, and that's it.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
We're all gonna move on.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Like that woman is incredible and she is my biggest
role model because oh yeah, And now that I'm entering
this space and I see other grandma's yeah yeah, non
as the way they do it and the way my
grandma does it, I go, I love that because she
has the way she keeps everyone together is incredible, Like,
(20:01):
and this is why we have such a close bond.
I'm trying to take this advice. And that's why I'm
asking you guys, because I'm only just entering this space.
I'm like, oh, how do I have a good relationship
with my daughter?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
How do I teach her good values?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
How how do we get through the fifteen stage? What's
gonna happen when she meets a partner? And I know
it's silly to be thinking this way, but I have
to think moving forward as well. Like I've got one brother,
Nick's got two brothers. One brother's got a girlfriend, the
other two a single. We're the first ones. And then
my grandma she got me on the phone. She goes,
(20:35):
you're the oldest step you need to bring everyone together.
Speaker 4 (20:38):
And I was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Wow, you're like two. I see now, I.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Know, and I'm learning.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
But my grandma's here is seeing conflict resolution. I'm gonna
be there the next time you get two kids together
and take some pointers.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
There you go.
Speaker 3 (20:50):
Because it's with family stuff, like, everybody can get so
explosive and emotional, and there's.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
We know it, we know it. So how do you
look at things from You need to let everyone explode? Yeah, yeah, right,
and then once everyone's finished exploding, then you have the conversation.
I've got a brother, Oh my god, seriously, I've got
one brother who is like my mum, oh wow. And
he hates it when I say that, but he's so
(21:20):
much my mum. It's not funny and he'll explode everybody
out of his life and yeh yeh fine, do that,
do that, and it must have calmed down. Then you
have the conversation with him. You can actually, yeah, god,
let him do it.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
I had two uncles who got that explosive.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
They took restraining orders out of it, but then they
couldn't remember what they took.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
It. Yeah, it just gets hot and passionate and vire.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Oh my god, it's insane. Families, Hey, I hope you
enjoyed this episode of the Life as We Know podcast.
This is a podcast where you get three ladies from
three different generations, myself, Tony Tanalia in the fifties, Lisa
Cameron in the forties, and Steph Helen Taris in her thirties.
Can't wait to talk to you in our next episode.
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