May 13, 2025 • 19 mins
Toni and her daughter, Jess, have faced their fair share of ups and downs over the years, stories Toni has shared in past episodes, in this episode, they confront the past head-on.
Toni opens up about the pain and guilt of feeling like she failed as a mother, while Jess shares how her perspective has shifted and how she now views the past with greater understanding.
Together, they have an honest and emotional conversation about motherhood, regret, healing family wounds, and the transformative power of empathy and forgiveness.
This isn’t just their story - it’s a conversation for anyone who’s ever struggled with parenting guilt, generational trauma, or the hope of rebuilding family relationships.
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and Instagram @LifeAsWeKnowIt.Podcast @tonitenaglia @lisacameroncoaching
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Every day brings a new story. The life isn't perfect,
but it's perfectly ours, with raw conversations, inspiring stories and
laugh until you cry moments we hit them. I unpack
it all and figure it out together, one episode at
a time. This is Life as we know it, unfiltered,
with Tony Tanalia and Lisa.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Cameron joining us in this episode is my daughter Jess. Now,
if you've actually listened to our past episodes and you've
heard about our trials and tribulations, then you know this
is going to be one very interesting chat. I hope
you enjoy it. So this is going to be very
weird for me that I have my daughter doing a
(00:50):
podcast episode with us after me talking about our relationship
for so long and how in my lives it's been fucked.
But that's the past. Wow, this is good.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
We're starting on a very honest foot here.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Well, this is because a lot of people have heard
a lot of better episodes and have heard, you know,
just how I feel like I failed Jess over the years,
and that's obviously not something we're going to dwell on today.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
But crying already, my god, But do you feel like.
Speaker 4 (01:20):
That, like that I've held you obviously. I feel like
we were both fucked at some point, just as people.
I don't know, but like I think we're doing really
well now, we know, yeah, And if anything, it probably
brought us closer in some ways too, or like a
shared sense of empathy.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I don't know. Yeah, but I feel like we're doing well,
you know what I mean. Yeah, but there's been a
lot of change in your life as well, totally. But
because of the fact that we're doing so well together,
I have a gift for you.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Let's good.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I told Jess the other night I had a gift
for her, and she's trying to guess what it is.
So it comes in the little brown box.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Do you know what it is?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yes, open this with the sticky tape.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
It's something going to jump out of.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
No, it's not going to jump alive. But that's a
good idea for the next time.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Actually we'll get to jack out of second.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Full of cockroaches, German cockroaches.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
It's a mark cute.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
Did Liam design this?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
You tell.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
It's giving Shrek?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
There's enough. This is the thing. Our lights flash every
so often, and okay, we know that there's someone here,
so that that's none. That's my mum. No, no, yeah, yeah,
we had an interesting relationship between me, Jess and my mum.
So that's why. Literally we've only started talking already.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
This is so isn't it just interfering?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I want to mud too. That's awesome, Thank you so much.
So with the Shrek reference, are you saying one of
us looks.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
Like Shrek or illustration style and like the green Yeah,
like it's a very shreky green. Rights, you don't look
like Shrek's I mean, you know, this is how we start, folks.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
This now, there's so much that we can talk to
you about, and it's like where do we start, isn't it?
I mean like a list? I know you've probably got lots.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
I'm like already going, why do you think that you
failed your daughter?
Speaker 4 (03:25):
I mean you are very self critical And I was
saying to you on the phone the other day, I
think it's totally an adh thing to like.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
She thinks I've got ADHD. Yeah, but like apparently you
know everybody podcast has ADHD, Like.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
Apparently that is common with like people who have ADHD.
But you know, anxiety in general is pretty common anyways,
and you are very hard on yourself.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Yeah, this is good actually because it's kind of putting
her on this spot.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
I know, yes, just like it is shooting out questions.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
But it's I get it, like if one of my
sons come on, they would probably just be like.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
Noo, mom.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
You know, they'd be giving me all that and I'd
feel a bit awkward. But I want to know, why
did you do you think that you failed your daughter?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Okay, So when we moved back from overseas, and we've
talked about this a few times, obviously things are really tough.
It was just me with the kids and I was
trying to juggle work, sick mum with cancer, three kids,
you know, trying to save to buy a house, and
there was just a lot going on. And we finally
(04:38):
got into our house and at this stage, I think
you're about fifteen sixteen when moved in and again still
had a lot going on. Mum had passed away by
this stage, but I was also under pressure at work
and Jess was going through depression. At this stage, I
feel like I failed her because I know, was it kid.
(05:00):
I suffered depression as well, but not that I didn't
recognize what she was going through. I just think mentally
I couldn't cope with it. And I just remember there
were mornings where, you know, it was like nine o'clock
in the morning, and all I could think about was
I should be at work. Now it's going to take
(05:21):
me an hour to get to work. I'm going to
be in so much trouble when I finally get to work.
So I was feeling all that pressure and I couldn't
get Jess out of bed to go to school. It's
nine o'clock and here I am trying to get her
out of bed to get her to school, whereas, like
I said, I should have been at work, and you know,
(05:41):
it was one of those things where you know what's
going on, but at the same time you don't know,
and I don't know if that's hard to sort of understand.
And so that's where I feel like I failed Jess
because instead of me going screaming at her get out
of bed, I'm going to be late. I should have
dealt with things differently and I didn't. And then we
(06:04):
actually we had one of Jess's friends and then moved
in with us and things. Do you remember, Oh yeah, yeah,
I will not forget that. No, But initially when she
moved in, I'm not going to name her for various reasons.
But initially, when she moved in, she was only going
to be with us a short amount of time. In fact,
she was in a situation she wasn't even sixteen. She
(06:25):
got kicked out of home, and she was CouchSurfing, all right.
So she was going from one person's house to another.
And she came to our house on this weekend and
I said to her, Okay, where are you going after this?
And she goes, oh, I'll just go so and So's
house and sleep on the couch. And we, Jess and
I talked about this and we said, listen, let's get
her to stay with us. It's not good for her
to be couch jumping, you know. She ended up staying
(06:46):
with us for like twelve months, and she and Jess
shared a room together, and that was creating so much
angst for Jess after a period of time. Initially it
was like, yep, this is fun, but it got there.
It got to a point then when it wasn't, and
she was creating so many issues in the house. And
(07:09):
again I saw some of it, but I didn't see
it fully. She ended up moving out in the end,
but that stage too Jess was like further into her depression.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Even the work that you were doing to get her
to move out, like it was a fucking process.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Oh it was. Yeah, yeah, even I remember even being
in the city one day with her trying to find
accommodation and I don't know if it was like a
student accommodation or I can't remember what it was, but
because her anxiety was so bad, we struggled even with
that to get her into that sort of accommodation. And
all I could think was, oh my god, I can't
(07:43):
get her sounds awful saying it this way. I can't
get her out of the house, which sounds nasty and mean,
and I don't want it to come across that way.
But I just knew we had to get her to
that next stage because I had to then think about
my daughter. Yeah, And like I said, I just feel
like I constantly failed Jess over these years, that I
(08:04):
wasn't there when she needed me to be there. But
I also wasn't speaking to her in a way that
I should have been because I was so full of
anxiety and stress, and you know, all I could think
of was I'm about to explode, and that's and that,
you know, like that's not how you should be with
(08:24):
your kids. And you know, we were talking earlier with
Victoria about you know, when you when you divorce and
you're on your own and your income halves, but you
still have the same expenses. You know, there's just so
much going on that you can't function. And you know,
(08:46):
I mean, I'm always saying to Jess, I'm so sorry
I failed you, Like I'm sure she's sticked to otther
hearing it now, But my mum never said that to me.
I mean, you know, you know what I was like
living with my mom. My mom was a fucking nightmare,
and she put my daughter very fucking shit as well.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
Yeah, and I saw her treating you like that firsthand too,
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yeah, But this is why I keep beating myself up
because it's like she did that to me. I should
have seen that, and I felt like I was doing
the same to you.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
Well you weren't, no, no, no, you were very different.
And I mean, look at me now, I'm a sick cunt. Like, yeah,
I think like Nona's intentions were very different, you know
what I mean. She wanted to bring you down.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
From what I could tell she was jealous of me. Yeah,
she had.
Speaker 4 (09:34):
Like nasty intentions as you were just trying to figure
shit out, you know.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Yeah, But like you said, now, I mean like I
feel like even with us in the last few months,
things have shifted. But I think part of that too
is that things have shifted for you personally as well. Totally.
You've had you know, some change going on there as well, totally.
But you know, like I mean what you've gone off
now and done for yourself, Like when you moved out, okay,
(10:00):
and you moved into the foyer, how old were you then?
You weren't even eighteen then?
Speaker 4 (10:05):
Yeah, I think I maybe just turned eighteen.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Ye.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
See, for me as a mom, that was a huge
failure that my daughter got to the point she couldn't
live at home anymore, she had to move out, yep.
And then once you did move out, like I remember,
like for three or four weeks, I've been trying to
ring you. There's no response. I had to ring the foyer, hello,
is still alive? Because I couldn't get a hold of her,
(10:30):
And you know, like that just keeps adding to the
fact that I felt like such a failure as a mum. Yeah,
that I let my daughter down.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
That's just an incredible pressure that you've put on yourself. Like,
all I'm hearing is you've tried to work things out.
That's all I'm hearing is that you've tried to find solutions.
And you might not have spoken in ways that you
wanted to anything like that, But it sounds like your
mom was intentionally trying.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
To hurt you, but you.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Were trying to find solutions for things. It's like, oh,
Jess is stuck here, or you know, her mates needs
accommodation and that, and you were trying to find ways
to do things. And it sounds like because you might
not have found the solution straight away, it's like you
feel like you've failed. But I'm just seeing that you
were being nothing more than caring. But perhaps you didn't
(11:24):
like some of the ways that you were talking or
anything like that, and we always feel bad about those things.
But I feel like your intention was just to care
for your daughter, even care for her friend, and try
and find ways to make things better.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
I think part of it, too, is the pressure that
I felt from other people, you know, Like I saw
how other people were with their kids and things that
they would say about you know, being there for their
kids all the time. It's come first and all of
(12:02):
this sort of stuff. And when I sort of see
and hear that, I was like, well, hang on, I
don't know that I was like.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
That being said too though, Like people can literally say anything,
you know what I mean. It's like social media, you'll
see like surface level shit, but then you never know,
like you know, that kid might be fucking miserable because
their parents like overbearing, like anything could be going on
behind what you see. So that's you know, comparing yourself
to other people is so fucking harmful. Yeah, and just
(12:34):
not productive, you know, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it is.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's so true.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
But I mean do you look back in any way
at that time and think, oh my god, my mum
just completely failed me.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Oh no, I'm like back then, you know, I was,
you know, having thoughts like oh, this is fucked, like
my mum's fucked, you know this, and that I want
to get out of here. But that's because I didn't
understand where you were at, you know what I mean.
I was just dealing with the environmental stuff that was
going on, and I had no idea like what you
were experiencing or going through or thinking about it. But
like now, like after talking to you about it, I
(13:10):
understand and like I can see how hard you were trying,
and like I wasn't an easy kid to deal with,
you know what I mean? Like half the time I
wouldn't go to school, I'd stay at home and fucking
smoke bombs, like in my room. I don't even know
if you knew that, but I.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Did what you were doing, Okay, yeah, smell it.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
But like we were both like experiencing some form of
mental illness and trying to navigate it, like with not
much support. I feel like even you haven't. I don't
think you had any fucking support, and you had none
of there giving you the opposite, like giving you ship,
you know what I mean. Yes, So it's tough, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah, yeah, but you've now come through the other side.
Obviously you still have stuff going on. You were recently diagnosed,
was what was the diagnose? Yeah, hello, my mum, Sorry,
we're talking about you. I don't apologize to she never
apologized to ask you.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
What?
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah, so are you happy to talk about what's been
going on with you of late?
Speaker 4 (14:17):
Totally?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (14:18):
So, I mean back when I lived at the four
I was diagnosed with like O c D general anxiety depression,
but as of recently, how long ago was it?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Maybe a few months?
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Yeah, only a few months ago. I was diagnosed with
autism level two. I don't even fully know what level
too means level.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
I think it's a LIAM.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
Yeah, it's LIUM. I think it defines like support needs
if it makes sense. Yeah, so I was diagnosed with that,
and honestly it kind of makes sense. Like since being diagnosed,
I'm like just picking up on things that I do
or like the ways that I think, and I'm like, oh, okay,
maybe I'm not just totally fucked. Maybe that's like, you know,
(14:56):
an autistic I don't know, Yeah, it helps you, helps you?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Is coping probably the right word for it?
Speaker 4 (15:04):
Like understanding why I am the way I am because
I always felt like such an outcast, Like I'd never
felt like I fit in or could read like social
like emotions and people's facial expressions, and always just felt
like there was something wrong with me. I'm like, why
am I like weird? Why can't I just integrate myself
into like social groups, and like, yeah, just always felt
(15:25):
like there was something wrong with me, And I thought
it was like a me problem, you know what I mean,
there was something wrong with me, ye whatever, and everyone
else is how I should be. But I guess literally,
up until I was diagnosed, like I was feeling that way.
I still kind of am because I'm adjusting to like,
you know, being kind to myself and like understanding the
(15:46):
weird shit in my brain. But it's been yeah, just
like reflecting and understanding, like, hey, there's nothing wrong with me.
I'm just like just built different.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Built differently. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Yeah, that's such a cool way to look at it
as well. And we're talking a little bit about this
before that. You know, I think that people with ADHD, autism,
the neurospicy people, it's like they're here to just shake
things up, bring some color, bring the fun, you know
how we were as kids.
Speaker 4 (16:15):
And then we hide all that along the way and then.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
We have to take drugs and alcohol for that part
to come out again. But then you meet someone with
autism while they're HD, and they're just like life's are party.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Now, let's you know, let's do it.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Or they've just got different ways of interacting. And I
think that they're here to bring truth to the world,
you know, because I feel that we have been in
this industrial revolution for such a long time and it's
like go to work, bang a nine to five, you
know that, and just follow the orders and everything like that.
(16:48):
And then there's people like you guys who are just like, hey,
there's different ways of being and you know, it's so cool.
I'm just loving it. I'm just feeling like life is
so much more colorful now. I mean, we're meeting so
many people with ADHD.
Speaker 4 (17:03):
When we're attracting.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
It's it's like every guest we've had so far has
turned around and said, you know, I've got diagnosed with
ADHD last year.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
Yeah, everyone's getting diagnosed, understanding it more, especially in women.
It presents so differently exactly. Yeah, and people are picking up.
Maybe maybe they're like, oh, hey, that actually I can
relate to that. Maybe I should go get my brain
checked out.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, get assessed. Yeah.
So it's the norm now. Yeah, if you don't have ADHD,
there's something wrong with you.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Yeah, it's like that feels like something wrong with us,
but apparently you might have.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Not even but I relate to all of what's been
going on with me to menopause because the brain fog.
I mean, you know, we were just talking about the
not being able to focus on things or you know,
someone's telling you something and all of a sudden, what
was that? What were you're talking about?
Speaker 4 (18:03):
And did you experience that before, like menopause?
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Probably because didn't we am say one hundred percent, you're got.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Autism.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Yeah, and Liam is like the number one candidate to
like diagnose. Oh my god, I have to ask him
what he thinks about me. It's so funny. I love it. Now,
what was it?
Speaker 3 (18:27):
There was a test or something and he'd be like, yeah,
you you're one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Yeah, yeah, seriously, I know Josh is the only one
now Yeah, see Josh and Josh got something with Ahd
as well.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
Jo something going on. We're on the best way, but
he's something going. Oh my god, Well what about Mark?
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Is he autistic?
Speaker 4 (18:52):
Probably it's weird because he could either be like the
most neurotypical or the most neurospicy person I've ever met him,
Like I can't tell he's by polar Yeah, so yeah,
and he's just solid. We're all fun going. Yeah, maybe
we're all just au tested.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Everybody's got something going on.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
Yeah, so I'm starting to think that I've got something.
Should we know the people we're talking to you and
behave Yeah? Maybe it's can Maybe we're just infecting.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
We've got another episode with Jess coming up. Sit tight
for that one.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
You've been listening to Life as we Know It Unfiltered
with Tony Tanalia and Lisa Cameron. If you like this episode,
please leave us a review or drop a comment on
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(19:45):
on your favorite podcast app. If you're not following us yet,
catch up with you in our next episode,
Every day brings a new story. The life isn't perfect,
but it's perfectly ours, with raw conversations, inspiring stories and
laugh until you cry moments we hit them. I unpack
it all and figure it out together, one episode at
a time. This is Life as we know it, unfiltered,
with Tony Tanalia and Lisa.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Cameron joining us in this episode is my daughter Jess. Now,
if you've actually listened to our past episodes and you've
heard about our trials and tribulations, then you know this
is going to be one very interesting chat. I hope
you enjoy it. So this is going to be very
weird for me that I have my daughter doing a
(00:50):
podcast episode with us after me talking about our relationship
for so long and how in my lives it's been fucked.
But that's the past. Wow, this is good.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
We're starting on a very honest foot here.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Well, this is because a lot of people have heard
a lot of better episodes and have heard, you know,
just how I feel like I failed Jess over the years,
and that's obviously not something we're going to dwell on today.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
But crying already, my god, But do you feel like.
Speaker 4 (01:20):
That, like that I've held you obviously. I feel like
we were both fucked at some point, just as people.
I don't know, but like I think we're doing really
well now, we know, yeah, And if anything, it probably
brought us closer in some ways too, or like a
shared sense of empathy.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I don't know. Yeah, but I feel like we're doing well,
you know what I mean. Yeah, but there's been a
lot of change in your life as well, totally. But
because of the fact that we're doing so well together,
I have a gift for you.
Speaker 4 (01:51):
Let's good.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I told Jess the other night I had a gift
for her, and she's trying to guess what it is.
So it comes in the little brown box.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Do you know what it is?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yes, open this with the sticky tape.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
It's something going to jump out of.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
No, it's not going to jump alive. But that's a
good idea for the next time.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Actually we'll get to jack out of second.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Full of cockroaches, German cockroaches.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
It's a mark cute.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
Did Liam design this?
Speaker 3 (02:17):
You tell.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
It's giving Shrek?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
There's enough. This is the thing. Our lights flash every
so often, and okay, we know that there's someone here,
so that that's none. That's my mum. No, no, yeah, yeah,
we had an interesting relationship between me, Jess and my mum.
So that's why. Literally we've only started talking already.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
This is so isn't it just interfering?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I want to mud too. That's awesome, Thank you so much.
So with the Shrek reference, are you saying one of
us looks.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
Like Shrek or illustration style and like the green Yeah,
like it's a very shreky green. Rights, you don't look
like Shrek's I mean, you know, this is how we start, folks.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
This now, there's so much that we can talk to
you about, and it's like where do we start, isn't it?
I mean like a list? I know you've probably got lots.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
I'm like already going, why do you think that you
failed your daughter?
Speaker 4 (03:25):
I mean you are very self critical And I was
saying to you on the phone the other day, I
think it's totally an adh thing to like.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
She thinks I've got ADHD. Yeah, but like apparently you
know everybody podcast has ADHD, Like.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
Apparently that is common with like people who have ADHD.
But you know, anxiety in general is pretty common anyways,
and you are very hard on yourself.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
Yeah, this is good actually because it's kind of putting
her on this spot.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
I know, yes, just like it is shooting out questions.
Speaker 3 (04:01):
But it's I get it, like if one of my
sons come on, they would probably just be like.
Speaker 4 (04:07):
Noo, mom.
Speaker 3 (04:08):
You know, they'd be giving me all that and I'd
feel a bit awkward. But I want to know, why
did you do you think that you failed your daughter?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Okay, So when we moved back from overseas, and we've
talked about this a few times, obviously things are really tough.
It was just me with the kids and I was
trying to juggle work, sick mum with cancer, three kids,
you know, trying to save to buy a house, and
there was just a lot going on. And we finally
(04:38):
got into our house and at this stage, I think
you're about fifteen sixteen when moved in and again still
had a lot going on. Mum had passed away by
this stage, but I was also under pressure at work
and Jess was going through depression. At this stage, I
feel like I failed her because I know, was it kid.
(05:00):
I suffered depression as well, but not that I didn't
recognize what she was going through. I just think mentally
I couldn't cope with it. And I just remember there
were mornings where, you know, it was like nine o'clock
in the morning, and all I could think about was
I should be at work. Now it's going to take
(05:21):
me an hour to get to work. I'm going to
be in so much trouble when I finally get to work.
So I was feeling all that pressure and I couldn't
get Jess out of bed to go to school. It's
nine o'clock and here I am trying to get her
out of bed to get her to school, whereas, like
I said, I should have been at work, and you know,
(05:41):
it was one of those things where you know what's
going on, but at the same time you don't know,
and I don't know if that's hard to sort of understand.
And so that's where I feel like I failed Jess
because instead of me going screaming at her get out
of bed, I'm going to be late. I should have
dealt with things differently and I didn't. And then we
(06:04):
actually we had one of Jess's friends and then moved
in with us and things. Do you remember, Oh yeah, yeah,
I will not forget that. No, But initially when she
moved in, I'm not going to name her for various reasons.
But initially, when she moved in, she was only going
to be with us a short amount of time. In fact,
she was in a situation she wasn't even sixteen. She
(06:25):
got kicked out of home, and she was CouchSurfing, all right.
So she was going from one person's house to another.
And she came to our house on this weekend and
I said to her, Okay, where are you going after this?
And she goes, oh, I'll just go so and So's
house and sleep on the couch. And we, Jess and
I talked about this and we said, listen, let's get
her to stay with us. It's not good for her
to be couch jumping, you know. She ended up staying
(06:46):
with us for like twelve months, and she and Jess
shared a room together, and that was creating so much
angst for Jess after a period of time. Initially it
was like, yep, this is fun, but it got there.
It got to a point then when it wasn't, and
she was creating so many issues in the house. And
(07:09):
again I saw some of it, but I didn't see
it fully. She ended up moving out in the end,
but that stage too Jess was like further into her depression.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Even the work that you were doing to get her
to move out, like it was a fucking process.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
Oh it was. Yeah, yeah, even I remember even being
in the city one day with her trying to find
accommodation and I don't know if it was like a
student accommodation or I can't remember what it was, but
because her anxiety was so bad, we struggled even with
that to get her into that sort of accommodation. And
all I could think was, oh my god, I can't
(07:43):
get her sounds awful saying it this way. I can't
get her out of the house, which sounds nasty and mean,
and I don't want it to come across that way.
But I just knew we had to get her to
that next stage because I had to then think about
my daughter. Yeah, And like I said, I just feel
like I constantly failed Jess over these years, that I
(08:04):
wasn't there when she needed me to be there. But
I also wasn't speaking to her in a way that
I should have been because I was so full of
anxiety and stress, and you know, all I could think
of was I'm about to explode, and that's and that,
you know, like that's not how you should be with
(08:24):
your kids. And you know, we were talking earlier with
Victoria about you know, when you when you divorce and
you're on your own and your income halves, but you
still have the same expenses. You know, there's just so
much going on that you can't function. And you know,
(08:46):
I mean, I'm always saying to Jess, I'm so sorry
I failed you, Like I'm sure she's sticked to otther
hearing it now, But my mum never said that to me.
I mean, you know, you know what I was like
living with my mom. My mom was a fucking nightmare,
and she put my daughter very fucking shit as well.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
Yeah, and I saw her treating you like that firsthand too,
Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
Yeah, But this is why I keep beating myself up
because it's like she did that to me. I should
have seen that, and I felt like I was doing
the same to you.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
Well you weren't, no, no, no, you were very different.
And I mean, look at me now, I'm a sick cunt. Like, yeah,
I think like Nona's intentions were very different, you know
what I mean. She wanted to bring you down.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
From what I could tell she was jealous of me. Yeah,
she had.
Speaker 4 (09:34):
Like nasty intentions as you were just trying to figure
shit out, you know.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Yeah, But like you said, now, I mean like I
feel like even with us in the last few months,
things have shifted. But I think part of that too
is that things have shifted for you personally as well. Totally.
You've had you know, some change going on there as well, totally.
But you know, like I mean what you've gone off
now and done for yourself, Like when you moved out, okay,
(10:00):
and you moved into the foyer, how old were you then?
You weren't even eighteen then?
Speaker 4 (10:05):
Yeah, I think I maybe just turned eighteen.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
Ye.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
See, for me as a mom, that was a huge
failure that my daughter got to the point she couldn't
live at home anymore, she had to move out, yep.
And then once you did move out, like I remember,
like for three or four weeks, I've been trying to
ring you. There's no response. I had to ring the foyer, hello,
is still alive? Because I couldn't get a hold of her,
(10:30):
And you know, like that just keeps adding to the
fact that I felt like such a failure as a mum. Yeah,
that I let my daughter down.
Speaker 3 (10:38):
That's just an incredible pressure that you've put on yourself. Like,
all I'm hearing is you've tried to work things out.
That's all I'm hearing is that you've tried to find solutions.
And you might not have spoken in ways that you
wanted to anything like that, But it sounds like your
mom was intentionally trying.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
To hurt you, but you.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Were trying to find solutions for things. It's like, oh,
Jess is stuck here, or you know, her mates needs
accommodation and that, and you were trying to find ways
to do things. And it sounds like because you might
not have found the solution straight away, it's like you
feel like you've failed. But I'm just seeing that you
were being nothing more than caring. But perhaps you didn't
(11:24):
like some of the ways that you were talking or
anything like that, and we always feel bad about those things.
But I feel like your intention was just to care
for your daughter, even care for her friend, and try
and find ways to make things better.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
I think part of it, too, is the pressure that
I felt from other people, you know, Like I saw
how other people were with their kids and things that
they would say about you know, being there for their
kids all the time. It's come first and all of
(12:02):
this sort of stuff. And when I sort of see
and hear that, I was like, well, hang on, I
don't know that I was like.
Speaker 4 (12:13):
That being said too though, Like people can literally say anything,
you know what I mean. It's like social media, you'll
see like surface level shit, but then you never know,
like you know, that kid might be fucking miserable because
their parents like overbearing, like anything could be going on
behind what you see. So that's you know, comparing yourself
to other people is so fucking harmful. Yeah, and just
(12:34):
not productive, you know, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it is.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
It's so true.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
But I mean do you look back in any way
at that time and think, oh my god, my mum
just completely failed me.
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Oh no, I'm like back then, you know, I was,
you know, having thoughts like oh, this is fucked, like
my mum's fucked, you know this, and that I want
to get out of here. But that's because I didn't
understand where you were at, you know what I mean.
I was just dealing with the environmental stuff that was
going on, and I had no idea like what you
were experiencing or going through or thinking about it. But
like now, like after talking to you about it, I
(13:10):
understand and like I can see how hard you were trying,
and like I wasn't an easy kid to deal with,
you know what I mean? Like half the time I
wouldn't go to school, I'd stay at home and fucking
smoke bombs, like in my room. I don't even know
if you knew that, but I.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Did what you were doing, Okay, yeah, smell it.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
But like we were both like experiencing some form of
mental illness and trying to navigate it, like with not
much support. I feel like even you haven't. I don't
think you had any fucking support, and you had none
of there giving you the opposite, like giving you ship,
you know what I mean. Yes, So it's tough, you know.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yeah, yeah, but you've now come through the other side.
Obviously you still have stuff going on. You were recently diagnosed,
was what was the diagnose? Yeah, hello, my mum, Sorry,
we're talking about you. I don't apologize to she never
apologized to ask you.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
What?
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah, so are you happy to talk about what's been
going on with you of late?
Speaker 4 (14:17):
Totally?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (14:18):
So, I mean back when I lived at the four
I was diagnosed with like O c D general anxiety depression,
but as of recently, how long ago was it?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Maybe a few months?
Speaker 4 (14:28):
Yeah, only a few months ago. I was diagnosed with
autism level two. I don't even fully know what level
too means level.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
I think it's a LIAM.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
Yeah, it's LIUM. I think it defines like support needs
if it makes sense. Yeah, so I was diagnosed with that,
and honestly it kind of makes sense. Like since being diagnosed,
I'm like just picking up on things that I do
or like the ways that I think, and I'm like, oh, okay,
maybe I'm not just totally fucked. Maybe that's like, you know,
(14:56):
an autistic I don't know, Yeah, it helps you, helps you?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Is coping probably the right word for it?
Speaker 4 (15:04):
Like understanding why I am the way I am because
I always felt like such an outcast, Like I'd never
felt like I fit in or could read like social
like emotions and people's facial expressions, and always just felt
like there was something wrong with me. I'm like, why
am I like weird? Why can't I just integrate myself
into like social groups, and like, yeah, just always felt
(15:25):
like there was something wrong with me, And I thought
it was like a me problem, you know what I mean,
there was something wrong with me, ye whatever, and everyone
else is how I should be. But I guess literally,
up until I was diagnosed, like I was feeling that way.
I still kind of am because I'm adjusting to like,
you know, being kind to myself and like understanding the
(15:46):
weird shit in my brain. But it's been yeah, just
like reflecting and understanding, like, hey, there's nothing wrong with me.
I'm just like just built different.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Built differently. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
Yeah, that's such a cool way to look at it
as well. And we're talking a little bit about this
before that. You know, I think that people with ADHD, autism,
the neurospicy people, it's like they're here to just shake
things up, bring some color, bring the fun, you know
how we were as kids.
Speaker 4 (16:15):
And then we hide all that along the way and then.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
We have to take drugs and alcohol for that part
to come out again. But then you meet someone with
autism while they're HD, and they're just like life's are party.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Now, let's you know, let's do it.
Speaker 3 (16:28):
Or they've just got different ways of interacting. And I
think that they're here to bring truth to the world,
you know, because I feel that we have been in
this industrial revolution for such a long time and it's
like go to work, bang a nine to five, you
know that, and just follow the orders and everything like that.
(16:48):
And then there's people like you guys who are just like, hey,
there's different ways of being and you know, it's so cool.
I'm just loving it. I'm just feeling like life is
so much more colorful now. I mean, we're meeting so
many people with ADHD.
Speaker 4 (17:03):
When we're attracting.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
It's it's like every guest we've had so far has
turned around and said, you know, I've got diagnosed with
ADHD last year.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
Yeah, everyone's getting diagnosed, understanding it more, especially in women.
It presents so differently exactly. Yeah, and people are picking up.
Maybe maybe they're like, oh, hey, that actually I can
relate to that. Maybe I should go get my brain
checked out.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, get assessed. Yeah.
So it's the norm now. Yeah, if you don't have ADHD,
there's something wrong with you.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
Yeah, it's like that feels like something wrong with us,
but apparently you might have.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Not even but I relate to all of what's been
going on with me to menopause because the brain fog.
I mean, you know, we were just talking about the
not being able to focus on things or you know,
someone's telling you something and all of a sudden, what
was that? What were you're talking about?
Speaker 4 (18:03):
And did you experience that before, like menopause?
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Probably because didn't we am say one hundred percent, you're got.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Autism.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
Yeah, and Liam is like the number one candidate to
like diagnose. Oh my god, I have to ask him
what he thinks about me. It's so funny. I love it. Now,
what was it?
Speaker 3 (18:27):
There was a test or something and he'd be like, yeah,
you you're one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Yeah, yeah, seriously, I know Josh is the only one
now Yeah, see Josh and Josh got something with Ahd
as well.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
Jo something going on. We're on the best way, but
he's something going. Oh my god, Well what about Mark?
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Is he autistic?
Speaker 4 (18:52):
Probably it's weird because he could either be like the
most neurotypical or the most neurospicy person I've ever met him,
Like I can't tell he's by polar Yeah, so yeah,
and he's just solid. We're all fun going. Yeah, maybe
we're all just au tested.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Everybody's got something going on.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
Yeah, so I'm starting to think that I've got something.
Should we know the people we're talking to you and
behave Yeah? Maybe it's can Maybe we're just infecting.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
We've got another episode with Jess coming up. Sit tight
for that one.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
You've been listening to Life as we Know It Unfiltered
with Tony Tanalia and Lisa Cameron. If you like this episode,
please leave us a review or drop a comment on
our socials. We love hearing from you. You can also
come hang out with us on Instagram at Life as
we Know It dot podcast and on Facebook at Life
as we Know It. And please see that follow button
(19:45):
on your favorite podcast app. If you're not following us yet,
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