April 13, 2023 • 24 mins
On this episode of Life Beats with Sirisha Kuchimanchi speaks with Sapna Radhakrishnan, a conscious parenting and life coach, about the challenges and emotional journey of conscious parenting. The conversation centers around reducing yelling, creating resilient children, and removing guilt from the parenting experience. They discuss building connections with children, the importance of listening and talking to them, and giving them the freedom to choose their own paths. Listeners can call in with questions and the conversation emphasizes the need to adapt parenting styles as children grow and evolve. Additionally, the societal paradigms that influence parenting and the myth of raising successful children are debunked. Through personal stories and practical advice, parents are encouraged to create stronger relationships with their children and raise them to be resilient individuals.
Sapna Radhakrishnan is an expert in conscious parenting, teaching parents how to take responsibility for their own emotional baggage before raising their children. She believes that parental ego can negatively impact children and encourages parents to focus on connection instead of correction. Through her teachings, parents learn how to unpack their own issues and create stronger bonds with their children.
You can buy Sapna Radhakrishnan: Yelling to Zenning: How Transforming Ourselves leads to Raising Conscious and Resilient Children
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hello and welcome to Life Beatswith Sirisha on Radio Caravan 1
0 4 0.1 FM and 700 am It's abeautiful Thursday at two.
This is the time slot for thenew show.
This is your host, SirishaKuchimanchi.
I am an entrepreneur, a podcasthost, and a former tech Kier.
I host the podcast Women Careerand Life.
(00:24):
W O M E n c a r e r, and life,you can find it on any of your
favorite podcast platforms.
It's a top 30% Spotify podcastwhere I share stories and advice
to achieve your career andfinancial goals.
I also own a global platform forSouth Asian women.
It's a community you can join,you can find it on Sajita Circle
(00:49):
O.
It's spelled S A H I T A circle.
So I hope to see you online aswe this is a community focused
for South Asian women to achievetheir career and financial
empowerment.
So I hope to see you online.
Today I'm really excited to haveSna Radda Krishna.
(01:10):
She is a conscious parenting andlife coach, and she's an N L P
trainer.
And SNA actually has justwritten the book, a
transformational book calledYelling to Zenning.
How transforming ourselves leadsto raising conscious and
resilient children.
This is a topic, we werechatting about it just a little
bit ago.
(01:30):
It's something that resonateswith me and probably a lot of
people.
You know, no matter which stageof the parenting journey you are
on, or you're thinking ofembarking on this journey.
Because it's about not feelingguilt, which probably many of us
experience.
I know I do have it from time totime.
Parenting journey can be kindof, learning, can be kind of
frustrating.
(01:50):
A lot of emotions that are tiedto it.
And often as I tell my childrenit's on the job training.
I do not have any trainingclasses I've gone to before
this.
I'm practicing on them.
So there has to be some leewayon that.
So up now.
Welcome, so glad to have youhere.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for havingMehi.
(02:13):
Thank you so much for havingMehi.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hope you can all hear uson the airwaves as well as we
speak to it.
And so sna, I wanted you todescribe what do you mean by
conscious parenting?
Conscious parenting is when theparent takes the onus of raising
(02:35):
themselves first.
You see, all of us and parentsespecially, have this thing
called parental ego, which weimpose.
Impose on our children, which isnot the children's two bears.
So the parent takes the onus ofus raising themselves before
they can raise their children.
(02:57):
So they look into their ownbaggage, their own past that is
messing up this connection withtheir children.
And we clean up those areas.
So they have, they're moreconnected and they focus on
connection before they cancorrect their children.
If any of you were listening toSimons.
(03:17):
Talk just before this,especially around the children
and the connection with thechildren.
I think it resonated.
We walked into the studio as shewas talking about it.
You know what you're saying?
Strikes a chord.
I have one who's going to goafter college soon, and I think
that's something that, you know,that's a transformational phase
that this comes into play,right?
More often than not many peoplemight have.
(03:39):
If you talk to enough friendsand others, they often
experienced this, oh, ourparents told us to do this, so
that's why we are in this.
Path we are on, but we have, wemay not have had thought about
it or even, you know, gonethrough that transition process.
So I think what you're talkingabout is giving some freedom of
choice of letting the childdecide what they want to do and
what they want to pursue alongwith not just putting our.
(04:02):
Ideas and thoughts completely onthem and laying it on them right
of go figure out everything elseis.
Is that part of what thediscussion is as well?
Yes.
We have to become aware of ourstuff first before we can decide
whether to put it on them ornot.
But we are in this automatedmode, you see.
We just take what we are, whatwe have been told, or what the
(04:23):
culture tells us, which is youhave the power as a parent, you
have unmitigated.
You know, unabashed power overyour children.
You are supposed to.
We are, as parents, we have beentold you have to control your
children.
You have to raise happychildren.
So this is the midst we debunkin conscious parenting where we
have been told that we raisehappy children, conscious sorry,
(04:44):
successful children.
And when that does not happen,the parent is allowed to control
the child.
You know, emotions.
Instead of looking at whatemotions is, none of us have
been taught this.
And I'm still learning as anadult what emotions are, how it
shows up in anybody, how weallow boys to go through.
(05:08):
I have a boy, and it was new tome, that you allow kids to cry.
That was something very new tome.
Because we have been told boysare supposed to be tough.
They are supposed to suck it allup.
They are supposed to be theseheroes and protectors, which is
a part of their genes as well.
But then crying is seen assomething very girlish, you
(05:29):
know?
Yeah.
Label is something.
Yeah.
So those are some of thecultural paradigms.
We are, we have bought into andunconsciously we place these
onto our children and they pickit up where they are absorbent.
And they pick up all this.
So it is mostly looking intothese paradigms that we have
been brought into, and thoseparadigms are not just coming
(05:51):
from us, right?
They're coming from peoplearound them and everything else.
By the way, the phone lines areopen.
You can choose to call in.
The number is(214) 817-3333.
We are here talking aboutconscious parenting, about
raising resilient children, andI think also parental guilt,
which sort of threads underthis.
If you're not feeling that.
(06:12):
I'm kudos to you, but I think Istruggle with it quite a bit.
Especially when you said happyand successful children.
What is the definition?
Right?
That's the thing.
Who defines happy and successfulchildren in each person or each?
In some ways the society has adefinition of it and.
The definition of the child'shappy and success might be
different from what we envisionas happy and successful for
(06:33):
them.
And I think that is the tusslethat we are struggling with when
we are trying to do this.
So I guess let's get to apractical question in a sense.
So you have teenagers, as do Iteenager.
Teenagers are going throughpuberty, they're going through
emotions, hormonal changes, somuch change.
How can you differentiate withjust the teenage emotion and
(06:55):
separated from anything elsethey might be going through and
what you are seeing?
Like how do you adjust withthat?
I.
First is to empathize with themthat yes, they're going through
some changes, physical changes,environmental changes, they're
going through school, the bodiesare changing.
Things around them are changing.
Yes, empathy helps a lot whenthey turn into teenagers.
(07:19):
Giving them space helps a lot,and instead of guessing, the
best way to know is to ask them.
To have those conversations.
Not in the moment, but takingthe break.
Okay.
Looks like you're going throughsomething, but we'll circle
back.
And having those conversationsand welcoming them is the best
way rather than bringing up ourown stories.
(07:40):
And what usually happens is wetake things personally when a
child comes back from schooltired or exhausted or whatever
is going on, and they say, Idon't wanna talk to you anymore.
We take it personally, oh, don'tyou de do this to me, or You
were disrespecting me and we puton all these stuff on that, and
child is just expressingthemself.
(08:01):
Maybe they don't have theirwords, but parents tend to
personalize their expression andwe try to bog down on them.
So that's important that wedon't take it personally and
have this conversation, givethem space and ask them what's
going on with you?
Is it just your teenage stuff oris something else Very true.
Because oftentimes we sh westruggle with that, right?
(08:26):
When the child comes home, youtry to understand what is it
they're going through.
And I think the other thing thatsort of intersects for me that
is challenging now is postcovid.
There's so much mental healthchallenges that children face.
And I think as parents, you knowwhat I hear from the school?
We get emails, you know,children are struggling
generally.
Like where do you separate whatthe child is going through as
(08:47):
part of normal teenage changesand where they might be facing
other challenges that they'restruggling with.
Right?
Like where do you figure thatpeace out?
It starts with attuning to yourchild, meaning we remove our
stuff out of the way so we cansee the child for who it is they
are.
You see, when we are brainsespecially have these meaning
(09:09):
making machines.
So let's say you walk in on yourchild, just hide from school.
You have to catch.
What stories are you making upabout that?
Is much child lazy or you know,like I got a email from school
regarding some mental healthissues of from my son's school.
Immediately my mind went there.
Is he going through something?
What's happening there?
So we jump into conclusions inour mind without acknowledging
(09:34):
what the reality is for all youknow, the child is just tired.
So connecting attuning and canyou see the changes?
Has there been changes in theirsleep patterns, in their eating
patterns in, are they constantlyupset?
Now that could be a red flag.
Are they constantly tired?
That could be a red flag is aone time thing.
(09:55):
Is your ch are you noticing somechanges in their sleep patterns?
Talk.
Talking to their child teacherhelps.
Is something going on.
But the best thing is talk toyour child.
Yeah.
Hard to do sometimes, especiallyas parents of teenagers, you
know, as you're trying toprocess what's going on and what
to do and how to speak to them,it's kind of hard.
(10:17):
It.
So it starts early before theybecome teenagers.
Constant repeated over and over.
When you connect.
Then you leave those space,those doors open.
When we are constantly puttingconnection over, correcting
them, you leave those wiresbetween you and your child open.
(10:38):
That's where conscious parentingcomes in, where you're
constantly focusing on theconnection part.
So during these times, That'swhen you tap into those
connections and you ask themwhat's going on with you?
So it happens way before, right,and true.
I like what you said, connectionbefore correction.
I think that's like a court in away.
Think about it when you'rehaving a conversation, but I
(11:00):
think if you have teenagers, Andif your parents of teenagers, as
said, you build theseconnections early, but I don't
think it's ever too late.
You know, you can still openthose doors.
Spending time with them,listening to them, talking to
them, and actually justlistening.
I find that my bestconversations happen with the
child when I'm in a car withthem when I'm driving because as
even when they were younger, itjust leads your less, more
(11:23):
relaxed atmosphere.
You're not face to face eyecontact.
So it's not.
You know, like somewhatconnected, but also intimidating
in a way, so you're notstruggling with that piece, and
it leads.
You have to be careful to leavethe question open-ended and not
expect a response.
In 30 seconds, you take threeminutes.
It may take some prodding.
Sometimes you may not get aresponse.
(11:43):
You know, it's that phase of it.
But we've been talking aboutteenagers.
There are probably a lot ofpeople listening.
You can call in if you havequestions.
I hope you can hear us veryclearly on the airwaves.
The number is 2 1 4 8 1 7 3 3 33.
You can hear me on yourheadphones as well.
Also, So we are talking aboutwith SNA Krishnan.
She's an NP trainer.
(12:04):
She's a conscious parentingcoach and life trainer.
She's written the book fromyelling to Zenning.
If you're listening, this isLive Beats with Cerisha on Radio
Caran 1 0 4 0.1 fm, and 700 am Ihost the podcast, women Career
and Life.
And I also have a South Asianglobal platform for South Asian
(12:24):
women for career and financialempowerment, which you can join.
It is Sajita Circle.
So we've been talking with SNAabout conscious parenting,
especially around teenagers, butI wanna step, because you said
the connection beforecorrection, you know, something
for you to remember.
When we are going through thosetough conversations with our
children, how do you do, when doyou start?
(12:45):
Let's walk through the differentstages in life, like when you
are.
Have an infant, a toddler,because they're going through
those terrible tools, you know?
Very exhausting.
Yes.
Kind of fun, but a lot of work.
Yeah.
Yes.
The key is to remember what isimportant as young mothers.
I see lot of mothers who havetaken up so much on them you
(13:06):
need to make healthy dinners.
You have to look a certain way.
You have, your child has to bewell behaved.
So when we buy into this, Whenthe child has a tantrum, we feel
like failures as if we are doingsomething wrong, and what the
child is actually is doing isbeing in the moment,
experiencing their big emotionsand they don't have words to
(13:26):
express it.
So when they're having these bigemotions and throwing a tantrum,
the parents feel a lot of, youknow, guilt and they feel
embarrassed, like even in a big.
Let's say a supermarket, theyget very embarrassed rather than
allowing the child to just have,I know it's hard in a public
place, but taking them out,there are so many choices.
(13:46):
You know, you can take them out,you can have a conversation
before, and if you have seenthis as a pattern, the big
spaces scare them.
You can have a tool, like a toythat they can feel comfortable
with.
Having those conversations, butthat does not happen.
If we are triggered ourselves,then those triggers take over us
and we get stuck in a pattern,which is we get scared, we tell
(14:07):
the child to shut up or wepunish the child.
You know, all those thingshappen and we are in the loop.
Stuck day after day and havingthe same thing, yelling at them
as teenagers, you know, let's goup, let's say a preteen.
You ask them to do dish thedishwashers or clean up their
room, they're not doing.
Then you raise their voice.
Then you start yelling andscreaming at that time.
If they're doing it, likeparents tell me, but they don't
(14:28):
do it until I yell at them.
I tell them, you have cured themfor the yelling that.
Nothing serious until my parentsstarts yelling.
Okay.
It's a condition behavior that'sthe trigger point for them.
Rather than, Hey, you know,whatever, we come, go ahead and
clean it.
You know?
I'll give you like a, I startedto do this kind of work or
something.
I would instead, because I wouldtrigger action, like you said, I
(14:49):
started to give them like a timeor ask them saying, okay, if you
don't wanna do it now, gimmeyour time and you wanna finish
it by, or shall we say fourhours or something?
It takes, I'm not saying it'salways successful, let's be
clear here, but it does changethe order of conversation and
open the door rather than mesaying, oh, do it now or do it
now.
And Exactly.
(15:09):
And the important thing toremember is children are still
growing until the age of 18.
The brain is developing.
And there is a time gap betweenan adult and a child.
Children are in the presentmovement, they're absorbed,
they're curious, they are inflow.
And parents, we are adults.
We are either in the past or inthe future trying to rush our
children to get somewhere or weare thinking about something.
(15:31):
So that's where there's a gap inthe time space.
So we have to.
Come to their time space and youknow, repeatedly remind them.
Put yourself there physically infront of them.
Okay, wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
Let's get this done.
And it takes a lot.
Parents have a lot to do, soprioritize.
Sometimes a dirty room isbetter.
(15:52):
And you know, talking your childabout your home, about their
homework may be more importantthan a clean room.
So prioritize, let some thingsgo.
And let focus on few things, butwe parents, because we are
bought into this culture wherethe house has to be cleaner,
dinner has to be healthy.
You have to look a certain way.
Your children have to be awesomein education.
(16:13):
They must be good in sports.
So much pressure.
No.
Yeah.
I think that's what gets tofeeling like that.
Right?
I, it sometimes I reflect andsay, I, I don't think I've asked
my parents this conversation,but what did they feel like?
Because we were all out of thehouse.
It was a different time andplace.
I totally get that.
They probably had their ownconcerns, but I wonder if it was
(16:33):
anything like that.
This what you're talking aboutalmost is a strive for
perfection.
Perfection and everything.
Right.
You, your ecosystem, all thepeople in touch with you
everywhere and.
It doesn't exist, but we talkourselves into building this
ideal universe.
Yeah.
And when you peel down theperfections, you will see the
conditioning, you will see yourfears.
(16:55):
And that's where consciousparenting comes in, because it's
a summation, it's a mixing ofEastern.
You know it's Easternphilosophy, like the mindfulness
part and the western psychology.
So you understand your child'spsychology, like you were
saying, which part is theteenage stuff and which is not.
You'll start understandingpsychology.
(17:16):
You learn communication skills.
You will learn the tools.
You learn pro boundaries.
Again, another question parentsask me, so is conscious
parenting about letting childrendo whatever they want?
No.
You learn boundaries.
How to place the boundaries andhow to hold them constantly,
have to hold them.
So these are some of the toolsyou learn in conscious
parenting, and I think consciousparenting, as you said, is about
(17:39):
boundaries and aboutcommunication, right?
It's about not the yelling.
How often do you yell at achild, you know?
That's how my journey intoconscious parenting started
because I was a yeller, I wouldyell and my child started
becoming very scared of me.
Instead of coming to me, hestarted getting scared.
Like I shared the story in mybook, yelling to.
Zen is like one time at the ageof I think three or four when he
(18:03):
was getting potty trained.
I was panicking each time he washaving an accident.
You know, I would take him outand he would have an accident
and I would panic and have, Iwould turn into some kind of a
monster, like how he tend totell you to do this, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
And one time I finished my workand I was looking for him.
It was very quiet in the house.
I saw that he was in therestroom.
(18:24):
Trying to clean up after himbecause he was so scared to come
to me.
My, I was like, oh my God, mychild is still learning about
his body.
He's truly trying to learnabout, what he can do and what
he cannot.
And he's actually scared heshould be coming to me.
So that was one aha moment forme, and that led me into doing
this work, self work.
And this is what I teach.
(18:44):
You know, mothers now.
I won't say that.
I don't yell at all, but the gaphas become large.
I don't remember when was thelast time I yelled and the
frequency is furthermore thanother.
Before I would yell every day.
Now it would.
I hardly remember when was thelast time I yelled.
That's good if you can'tremember when the last time was.
Right.
And even when I yell my child,because of the psychology part
(19:08):
of it, he knows it's me.
It's not him.
So he doesn't personalize it.
He knows, okay, mom is having ahard day.
It's not about me because the,like I said, the mind is a
meaning-making machine.
It's very easy for children tosay, I think I upset my mom.
Something is wrong with me.
Rather than saying, my mom or myparent is tired.
It's very difficult for parentchildren to do.
(19:29):
They take it upon themselves andwhich affects their self esteem
in the wrong one.
Yeah, because I, as you'resaying, you're developing
habits, how they behave, howthey process, how they think of
themselves, the self-confidence,the self-esteem as they're
developing.
We have about five minutes asthis show gets wrapped up.
You can call for any questionsto us, sna, unconscious
(19:50):
parenting.
The numbers is 2 1 4, 8, 1 7, 33, 3, 3, and we've been talking
about.
Teenage you know, changes.
We've been talking about how toconnect with them when they're
young and continue to do, and Ican remember instances like
that, that have made me makeconscious decisions.
It's still a constant learningprocess of course you are
(20:11):
learning with your child.
Right?
It's very much like on the jobtraining.
Because they are evolving aspeople as they go through
various stages.
You are changing but notproperly as rapidly as them,
and.
We've all learned our parentingstyles and invite them from how
we absorb them as children.
So I have this instance because,I think here, and I think in
(20:32):
India also, it's changed a lotnow, but you know, a lot of kids
are given choices and makedecisions themselves.
And I remember my friend'shusband making this comment
saying A three year old is askedmore choices than I was asked 21
when I was going to college,what I wanted to do.
He's like, how can you ask?
But I think it makes them.
Think I like the idea of thatindependence and freedom because
(20:53):
if you're making mistakes, it'sbetter also to give the
opportunity to make themearlier.
The consequences are lesser.
Not that you can't make themlater in life.
But I think it makes them thinkfor themselves rather than us
overtake that thought process tomake them think like us.
Because I don't know if I, youknow, I don't know everything
and I'm learning from them andthey are Giving their input.
And I have to tell you, forthose of you who have teenagers,
(21:15):
you probably see this they arethe hypocrisy police.
That's what I call them.
They will call you on it if theythink you're being hypo.
So critical.
So yeah, totally.
Yeah.
The, and the key of consciousparent, like you said, they get
to know themselves.
You see how many times as women,we wear something and we look
for answers.
How do I look?
We are looking outside as towhat's happening outside, and we
(21:36):
ask like 10 people.
Is this looking good on me?
But we are so disconnected fromour own knowing, our own gut
feeling, and the consciousparenting is handing the beon to
our children to make their ownchoices, tapping to their own
gut feeling, their own knowing.
And from that comes with realpower.
We have resilience.
And you raise conscious childrenand conscious children make the
(21:58):
world a better place.
They will never rob another ofthe, their consciousness of the
other person's consciousness.
So they're very self-aware iswhat you're saying?
Okay.
So how can people reach you?
How can they learn more aboutwhat you do?
Okay.
They can reach me on my socialmedia platforms, which is
Coaching website, sna.com.
(22:18):
I have courses and of course mybook is on Amazing El to
Zenning, and they can contact meany of these ways.
Yeah if you've been listening tothis radio show we've been
talking about, yes.
Essentially, conscious parentingwith sna.
That which is about reducingyelling, you know, aging
resilient children.
And I think also incrediblytaking away the guilt of
(22:39):
parenting.
Sometimes I think as at acertain, at different stages, we
feel different things whenthey're younger.
You're like, oh, are theygetting, like you said, body
train?
Are they reading at the rightlevel?
Am I knowing enough?
Because you're, in some ways wetend to compare to other kids
and not all kids are in the samestages.
And boys and girls also developdifferently if you have.
You know, both, you see thatvery conscious difference when
(23:01):
they're going through middleschool.
You know, the amount of classesthey take.
There's so many things and youcan do this comparison thing,
which really makes it robs youof the joy.
So thinking about how to connectwith your children and others is
very important, and listening tothem.
Because I think that gives them,I, it to your point, not only
does it raise resident today, Ithink it creates an ecosystem
(23:22):
around them.
And the relationships that theyhave are also stronger.
So thank you for tuning in.
This is Live Beats with Cerishaon Radio Caravan 1 0 4 0.1 FM at
700 am.
This is your host Jiji.
We are talking about consciousparenting.
You can also tune into mypodcast, women Career and Life,
(23:43):
and learn about career andfinancial advice for women to
achieve their career and lifegoals.
It is also a global platform forSouth Asian women to work on
career and financialempowerment.
You can join the communities.
Sajita circle, so it's spelled SA H I T A circle, c i r c l e.
(24:06):
So next week I'll be havingSadaf Munshi.
This should be an interestingtopic.
She's a linguist.
We are going to talk about dyinglanguages and what that means,
and she studies South Asianlanguages.
So I thought would befascinating.
Thank you SNA, for being here.
Hello and welcome to Life Beatswith Sirisha on Radio Caravan 1
0 4 0.1 FM and 700 am It's abeautiful Thursday at two.
This is the time slot for thenew show.
This is your host, SirishaKuchimanchi.
I am an entrepreneur, a podcasthost, and a former tech Kier.
I host the podcast Women Careerand Life.
(00:24):
W O M E n c a r e r, and life,you can find it on any of your
favorite podcast platforms.
It's a top 30% Spotify podcastwhere I share stories and advice
to achieve your career andfinancial goals.
I also own a global platform forSouth Asian women.
It's a community you can join,you can find it on Sajita Circle
(00:49):
O.
It's spelled S A H I T A circle.
So I hope to see you online aswe this is a community focused
for South Asian women to achievetheir career and financial
empowerment.
So I hope to see you online.
Today I'm really excited to haveSna Radda Krishna.
(01:10):
She is a conscious parenting andlife coach, and she's an N L P
trainer.
And SNA actually has justwritten the book, a
transformational book calledYelling to Zenning.
How transforming ourselves leadsto raising conscious and
resilient children.
This is a topic, we werechatting about it just a little
bit ago.
(01:30):
It's something that resonateswith me and probably a lot of
people.
You know, no matter which stageof the parenting journey you are
on, or you're thinking ofembarking on this journey.
Because it's about not feelingguilt, which probably many of us
experience.
I know I do have it from time totime.
Parenting journey can be kindof, learning, can be kind of
frustrating.
(01:50):
A lot of emotions that are tiedto it.
And often as I tell my childrenit's on the job training.
I do not have any trainingclasses I've gone to before
this.
I'm practicing on them.
So there has to be some leewayon that.
So up now.
Welcome, so glad to have youhere.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for havingMehi.
(02:13):
Thank you so much for havingMehi.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hope you can all hear uson the airwaves as well as we
speak to it.
And so sna, I wanted you todescribe what do you mean by
conscious parenting?
Conscious parenting is when theparent takes the onus of raising
(02:35):
themselves first.
You see, all of us and parentsespecially, have this thing
called parental ego, which weimpose.
Impose on our children, which isnot the children's two bears.
So the parent takes the onus ofus raising themselves before
they can raise their children.
(02:57):
So they look into their ownbaggage, their own past that is
messing up this connection withtheir children.
And we clean up those areas.
So they have, they're moreconnected and they focus on
connection before they cancorrect their children.
If any of you were listening toSimons.
(03:17):
Talk just before this,especially around the children
and the connection with thechildren.
I think it resonated.
We walked into the studio as shewas talking about it.
You know what you're saying?
Strikes a chord.
I have one who's going to goafter college soon, and I think
that's something that, you know,that's a transformational phase
that this comes into play,right?
More often than not many peoplemight have.
(03:39):
If you talk to enough friendsand others, they often
experienced this, oh, ourparents told us to do this, so
that's why we are in this.
Path we are on, but we have, wemay not have had thought about
it or even, you know, gonethrough that transition process.
So I think what you're talkingabout is giving some freedom of
choice of letting the childdecide what they want to do and
what they want to pursue alongwith not just putting our.
(04:02):
Ideas and thoughts completely onthem and laying it on them right
of go figure out everything elseis.
Is that part of what thediscussion is as well?
Yes.
We have to become aware of ourstuff first before we can decide
whether to put it on them ornot.
But we are in this automatedmode, you see.
We just take what we are, whatwe have been told, or what the
(04:23):
culture tells us, which is youhave the power as a parent, you
have unmitigated.
You know, unabashed power overyour children.
You are supposed to.
We are, as parents, we have beentold you have to control your
children.
You have to raise happychildren.
So this is the midst we debunkin conscious parenting where we
have been told that we raisehappy children, conscious sorry,
(04:44):
successful children.
And when that does not happen,the parent is allowed to control
the child.
You know, emotions.
Instead of looking at whatemotions is, none of us have
been taught this.
And I'm still learning as anadult what emotions are, how it
shows up in anybody, how weallow boys to go through.
(05:08):
I have a boy, and it was new tome, that you allow kids to cry.
That was something very new tome.
Because we have been told boysare supposed to be tough.
They are supposed to suck it allup.
They are supposed to be theseheroes and protectors, which is
a part of their genes as well.
But then crying is seen assomething very girlish, you
(05:29):
know?
Yeah.
Label is something.
Yeah.
So those are some of thecultural paradigms.
We are, we have bought into andunconsciously we place these
onto our children and they pickit up where they are absorbent.
And they pick up all this.
So it is mostly looking intothese paradigms that we have
been brought into, and thoseparadigms are not just coming
(05:51):
from us, right?
They're coming from peoplearound them and everything else.
By the way, the phone lines areopen.
You can choose to call in.
The number is(214) 817-3333.
We are here talking aboutconscious parenting, about
raising resilient children, andI think also parental guilt,
which sort of threads underthis.
If you're not feeling that.
(06:12):
I'm kudos to you, but I think Istruggle with it quite a bit.
Especially when you said happyand successful children.
What is the definition?
Right?
That's the thing.
Who defines happy and successfulchildren in each person or each?
In some ways the society has adefinition of it and.
The definition of the child'shappy and success might be
different from what we envisionas happy and successful for
(06:33):
them.
And I think that is the tusslethat we are struggling with when
we are trying to do this.
So I guess let's get to apractical question in a sense.
So you have teenagers, as do Iteenager.
Teenagers are going throughpuberty, they're going through
emotions, hormonal changes, somuch change.
How can you differentiate withjust the teenage emotion and
(06:55):
separated from anything elsethey might be going through and
what you are seeing?
Like how do you adjust withthat?
I.
First is to empathize with themthat yes, they're going through
some changes, physical changes,environmental changes, they're
going through school, the bodiesare changing.
Things around them are changing.
Yes, empathy helps a lot whenthey turn into teenagers.
(07:19):
Giving them space helps a lot,and instead of guessing, the
best way to know is to ask them.
To have those conversations.
Not in the moment, but takingthe break.
Okay.
Looks like you're going throughsomething, but we'll circle
back.
And having those conversationsand welcoming them is the best
way rather than bringing up ourown stories.
(07:40):
And what usually happens is wetake things personally when a
child comes back from schooltired or exhausted or whatever
is going on, and they say, Idon't wanna talk to you anymore.
We take it personally, oh, don'tyou de do this to me, or You
were disrespecting me and we puton all these stuff on that, and
child is just expressingthemself.
(08:01):
Maybe they don't have theirwords, but parents tend to
personalize their expression andwe try to bog down on them.
So that's important that wedon't take it personally and
have this conversation, givethem space and ask them what's
going on with you?
Is it just your teenage stuff oris something else Very true.
Because oftentimes we sh westruggle with that, right?
(08:26):
When the child comes home, youtry to understand what is it
they're going through.
And I think the other thing thatsort of intersects for me that
is challenging now is postcovid.
There's so much mental healthchallenges that children face.
And I think as parents, you knowwhat I hear from the school?
We get emails, you know,children are struggling
generally.
Like where do you separate whatthe child is going through as
(08:47):
part of normal teenage changesand where they might be facing
other challenges that they'restruggling with.
Right?
Like where do you figure thatpeace out?
It starts with attuning to yourchild, meaning we remove our
stuff out of the way so we cansee the child for who it is they
are.
You see, when we are brainsespecially have these meaning
(09:09):
making machines.
So let's say you walk in on yourchild, just hide from school.
You have to catch.
What stories are you making upabout that?
Is much child lazy or you know,like I got a email from school
regarding some mental healthissues of from my son's school.
Immediately my mind went there.
Is he going through something?
What's happening there?
So we jump into conclusions inour mind without acknowledging
(09:34):
what the reality is for all youknow, the child is just tired.
So connecting attuning and canyou see the changes?
Has there been changes in theirsleep patterns, in their eating
patterns in, are they constantlyupset?
Now that could be a red flag.
Are they constantly tired?
That could be a red flag is aone time thing.
(09:55):
Is your ch are you noticing somechanges in their sleep patterns?
Talk.
Talking to their child teacherhelps.
Is something going on.
But the best thing is talk toyour child.
Yeah.
Hard to do sometimes, especiallyas parents of teenagers, you
know, as you're trying toprocess what's going on and what
to do and how to speak to them,it's kind of hard.
(10:17):
It.
So it starts early before theybecome teenagers.
Constant repeated over and over.
When you connect.
Then you leave those space,those doors open.
When we are constantly puttingconnection over, correcting
them, you leave those wiresbetween you and your child open.
(10:38):
That's where conscious parentingcomes in, where you're
constantly focusing on theconnection part.
So during these times, That'swhen you tap into those
connections and you ask themwhat's going on with you?
So it happens way before, right,and true.
I like what you said, connectionbefore correction.
I think that's like a court in away.
Think about it when you'rehaving a conversation, but I
(11:00):
think if you have teenagers, Andif your parents of teenagers, as
said, you build theseconnections early, but I don't
think it's ever too late.
You know, you can still openthose doors.
Spending time with them,listening to them, talking to
them, and actually justlistening.
I find that my bestconversations happen with the
child when I'm in a car withthem when I'm driving because as
even when they were younger, itjust leads your less, more
(11:23):
relaxed atmosphere.
You're not face to face eyecontact.
So it's not.
You know, like somewhatconnected, but also intimidating
in a way, so you're notstruggling with that piece, and
it leads.
You have to be careful to leavethe question open-ended and not
expect a response.
In 30 seconds, you take threeminutes.
It may take some prodding.
Sometimes you may not get aresponse.
(11:43):
You know, it's that phase of it.
But we've been talking aboutteenagers.
There are probably a lot ofpeople listening.
You can call in if you havequestions.
I hope you can hear us veryclearly on the airwaves.
The number is 2 1 4 8 1 7 3 3 33.
You can hear me on yourheadphones as well.
Also, So we are talking aboutwith SNA Krishnan.
She's an NP trainer.
(12:04):
She's a conscious parentingcoach and life trainer.
She's written the book fromyelling to Zenning.
If you're listening, this isLive Beats with Cerisha on Radio
Caran 1 0 4 0.1 fm, and 700 am Ihost the podcast, women Career
and Life.
And I also have a South Asianglobal platform for South Asian
(12:24):
women for career and financialempowerment, which you can join.
It is Sajita Circle.
So we've been talking with SNAabout conscious parenting,
especially around teenagers, butI wanna step, because you said
the connection beforecorrection, you know, something
for you to remember.
When we are going through thosetough conversations with our
children, how do you do, when doyou start?
(12:45):
Let's walk through the differentstages in life, like when you
are.
Have an infant, a toddler,because they're going through
those terrible tools, you know?
Very exhausting.
Yes.
Kind of fun, but a lot of work.
Yeah.
Yes.
The key is to remember what isimportant as young mothers.
I see lot of mothers who havetaken up so much on them you
(13:06):
need to make healthy dinners.
You have to look a certain way.
You have, your child has to bewell behaved.
So when we buy into this, Whenthe child has a tantrum, we feel
like failures as if we are doingsomething wrong, and what the
child is actually is doing isbeing in the moment,
experiencing their big emotionsand they don't have words to
(13:26):
express it.
So when they're having these bigemotions and throwing a tantrum,
the parents feel a lot of, youknow, guilt and they feel
embarrassed, like even in a big.
Let's say a supermarket, theyget very embarrassed rather than
allowing the child to just have,I know it's hard in a public
place, but taking them out,there are so many choices.
(13:46):
You know, you can take them out,you can have a conversation
before, and if you have seenthis as a pattern, the big
spaces scare them.
You can have a tool, like a toythat they can feel comfortable
with.
Having those conversations, butthat does not happen.
If we are triggered ourselves,then those triggers take over us
and we get stuck in a pattern,which is we get scared, we tell
(14:07):
the child to shut up or wepunish the child.
You know, all those thingshappen and we are in the loop.
Stuck day after day and havingthe same thing, yelling at them
as teenagers, you know, let's goup, let's say a preteen.
You ask them to do dish thedishwashers or clean up their
room, they're not doing.
Then you raise their voice.
Then you start yelling andscreaming at that time.
If they're doing it, likeparents tell me, but they don't
(14:28):
do it until I yell at them.
I tell them, you have cured themfor the yelling that.
Nothing serious until my parentsstarts yelling.
Okay.
It's a condition behavior that'sthe trigger point for them.
Rather than, Hey, you know,whatever, we come, go ahead and
clean it.
You know?
I'll give you like a, I startedto do this kind of work or
something.
I would instead, because I wouldtrigger action, like you said, I
(14:49):
started to give them like a timeor ask them saying, okay, if you
don't wanna do it now, gimmeyour time and you wanna finish
it by, or shall we say fourhours or something?
It takes, I'm not saying it'salways successful, let's be
clear here, but it does changethe order of conversation and
open the door rather than mesaying, oh, do it now or do it
now.
And Exactly.
(15:09):
And the important thing toremember is children are still
growing until the age of 18.
The brain is developing.
And there is a time gap betweenan adult and a child.
Children are in the presentmovement, they're absorbed,
they're curious, they are inflow.
And parents, we are adults.
We are either in the past or inthe future trying to rush our
children to get somewhere or weare thinking about something.
(15:31):
So that's where there's a gap inthe time space.
So we have to.
Come to their time space and youknow, repeatedly remind them.
Put yourself there physically infront of them.
Okay, wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
Let's get this done.
And it takes a lot.
Parents have a lot to do, soprioritize.
Sometimes a dirty room isbetter.
(15:52):
And you know, talking your childabout your home, about their
homework may be more importantthan a clean room.
So prioritize, let some thingsgo.
And let focus on few things, butwe parents, because we are
bought into this culture wherethe house has to be cleaner,
dinner has to be healthy.
You have to look a certain way.
Your children have to be awesomein education.
(16:13):
They must be good in sports.
So much pressure.
No.
Yeah.
I think that's what gets tofeeling like that.
Right?
I, it sometimes I reflect andsay, I, I don't think I've asked
my parents this conversation,but what did they feel like?
Because we were all out of thehouse.
It was a different time andplace.
I totally get that.
They probably had their ownconcerns, but I wonder if it was
(16:33):
anything like that.
This what you're talking aboutalmost is a strive for
perfection.
Perfection and everything.
Right.
You, your ecosystem, all thepeople in touch with you
everywhere and.
It doesn't exist, but we talkourselves into building this
ideal universe.
Yeah.
And when you peel down theperfections, you will see the
conditioning, you will see yourfears.
(16:55):
And that's where consciousparenting comes in, because it's
a summation, it's a mixing ofEastern.
You know it's Easternphilosophy, like the mindfulness
part and the western psychology.
So you understand your child'spsychology, like you were
saying, which part is theteenage stuff and which is not.
You'll start understandingpsychology.
(17:16):
You learn communication skills.
You will learn the tools.
You learn pro boundaries.
Again, another question parentsask me, so is conscious
parenting about letting childrendo whatever they want?
No.
You learn boundaries.
How to place the boundaries andhow to hold them constantly,
have to hold them.
So these are some of the toolsyou learn in conscious
parenting, and I think consciousparenting, as you said, is about
(17:39):
boundaries and aboutcommunication, right?
It's about not the yelling.
How often do you yell at achild, you know?
That's how my journey intoconscious parenting started
because I was a yeller, I wouldyell and my child started
becoming very scared of me.
Instead of coming to me, hestarted getting scared.
Like I shared the story in mybook, yelling to.
Zen is like one time at the ageof I think three or four when he
(18:03):
was getting potty trained.
I was panicking each time he washaving an accident.
You know, I would take him outand he would have an accident
and I would panic and have, Iwould turn into some kind of a
monster, like how he tend totell you to do this, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
And one time I finished my workand I was looking for him.
It was very quiet in the house.
I saw that he was in therestroom.
(18:24):
Trying to clean up after himbecause he was so scared to come
to me.
My, I was like, oh my God, mychild is still learning about
his body.
He's truly trying to learnabout, what he can do and what
he cannot.
And he's actually scared heshould be coming to me.
So that was one aha moment forme, and that led me into doing
this work, self work.
And this is what I teach.
(18:44):
You know, mothers now.
I won't say that.
I don't yell at all, but the gaphas become large.
I don't remember when was thelast time I yelled and the
frequency is furthermore thanother.
Before I would yell every day.
Now it would.
I hardly remember when was thelast time I yelled.
That's good if you can'tremember when the last time was.
Right.
And even when I yell my child,because of the psychology part
(19:08):
of it, he knows it's me.
It's not him.
So he doesn't personalize it.
He knows, okay, mom is having ahard day.
It's not about me because the,like I said, the mind is a
meaning-making machine.
It's very easy for children tosay, I think I upset my mom.
Something is wrong with me.
Rather than saying, my mom or myparent is tired.
It's very difficult for parentchildren to do.
(19:29):
They take it upon themselves andwhich affects their self esteem
in the wrong one.
Yeah, because I, as you'resaying, you're developing
habits, how they behave, howthey process, how they think of
themselves, the self-confidence,the self-esteem as they're
developing.
We have about five minutes asthis show gets wrapped up.
You can call for any questionsto us, sna, unconscious
(19:50):
parenting.
The numbers is 2 1 4, 8, 1 7, 33, 3, 3, and we've been talking
about.
Teenage you know, changes.
We've been talking about how toconnect with them when they're
young and continue to do, and Ican remember instances like
that, that have made me makeconscious decisions.
It's still a constant learningprocess of course you are
(20:11):
learning with your child.
Right?
It's very much like on the jobtraining.
Because they are evolving aspeople as they go through
various stages.
You are changing but notproperly as rapidly as them,
and.
We've all learned our parentingstyles and invite them from how
we absorb them as children.
So I have this instance because,I think here, and I think in
(20:32):
India also, it's changed a lotnow, but you know, a lot of kids
are given choices and makedecisions themselves.
And I remember my friend'shusband making this comment
saying A three year old is askedmore choices than I was asked 21
when I was going to college,what I wanted to do.
He's like, how can you ask?
But I think it makes them.
Think I like the idea of thatindependence and freedom because
(20:53):
if you're making mistakes, it'sbetter also to give the
opportunity to make themearlier.
The consequences are lesser.
Not that you can't make themlater in life.
But I think it makes them thinkfor themselves rather than us
overtake that thought process tomake them think like us.
Because I don't know if I, youknow, I don't know everything
and I'm learning from them andthey are Giving their input.
And I have to tell you, forthose of you who have teenagers,
(21:15):
you probably see this they arethe hypocrisy police.
That's what I call them.
They will call you on it if theythink you're being hypo.
So critical.
So yeah, totally.
Yeah.
The, and the key of consciousparent, like you said, they get
to know themselves.
You see how many times as women,we wear something and we look
for answers.
How do I look?
We are looking outside as towhat's happening outside, and we
(21:36):
ask like 10 people.
Is this looking good on me?
But we are so disconnected fromour own knowing, our own gut
feeling, and the consciousparenting is handing the beon to
our children to make their ownchoices, tapping to their own
gut feeling, their own knowing.
And from that comes with realpower.
We have resilience.
And you raise conscious childrenand conscious children make the
(21:58):
world a better place.
They will never rob another ofthe, their consciousness of the
other person's consciousness.
So they're very self-aware iswhat you're saying?
Okay.
So how can people reach you?
How can they learn more aboutwhat you do?
Okay.
They can reach me on my socialmedia platforms, which is
Coaching website, sna.com.
(22:18):
I have courses and of course mybook is on Amazing El to
Zenning, and they can contact meany of these ways.
Yeah if you've been listening tothis radio show we've been
talking about, yes.
Essentially, conscious parentingwith sna.
That which is about reducingyelling, you know, aging
resilient children.
And I think also incrediblytaking away the guilt of
(22:39):
parenting.
Sometimes I think as at acertain, at different stages, we
feel different things whenthey're younger.
You're like, oh, are theygetting, like you said, body
train?
Are they reading at the rightlevel?
Am I knowing enough?
Because you're, in some ways wetend to compare to other kids
and not all kids are in the samestages.
And boys and girls also developdifferently if you have.
You know, both, you see thatvery conscious difference when
(23:01):
they're going through middleschool.
You know, the amount of classesthey take.
There's so many things and youcan do this comparison thing,
which really makes it robs youof the joy.
So thinking about how to connectwith your children and others is
very important, and listening tothem.
Because I think that gives them,I, it to your point, not only
does it raise resident today, Ithink it creates an ecosystem
(23:22):
around them.
And the relationships that theyhave are also stronger.
So thank you for tuning in.
This is Live Beats with Cerishaon Radio Caravan 1 0 4 0.1 FM at
700 am.
This is your host Jiji.
We are talking about consciousparenting.
You can also tune into mypodcast, women Career and Life,
(23:43):
and learn about career andfinancial advice for women to
achieve their career and lifegoals.
It is also a global platform forSouth Asian women to work on
career and financialempowerment.
You can join the communities.
Sajita circle, so it's spelled SA H I T A circle, c i r c l e.
(24:06):
So next week I'll be havingSadaf Munshi.
This should be an interestingtopic.
She's a linguist.
We are going to talk about dyinglanguages and what that means,
and she studies South Asianlanguages.
So I thought would befascinating.
Thank you SNA, for being here.
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