How to Get from Pain to Peace : S2 E2

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This podcast began because helping humans live their best life and become the best version of themselves is what Desireé’s life is all about. Join Desireé in Episode 2 of Season 2, as she uses her trips around the sun to throw encouragement around like confetti!

In Episode 2, Desireé talks about real and tangible ways to get from pain to peace. This coaching is vital because if we can't heal our past we could spend our present and future running from it or worse- repeating it.

Topics include:

• 3 things that happen when we face pain and trauma (2:21)
• Amazing Ann Voskamp quote (4:13)
• A bomb gets dropped about changing others (5:58)
• A truth about time (8:59)
• The thing that happens when we heal the past (12:19)

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Episode Transcript

Desire Melfi Bozzo (00:06):
Ciao and welcome to Life out loud. I am
your host Desire Melfi Bozzo.
We are going to use this spaceto share experiences and help
you find lasting, unshakableunwavering unmessable-with joy
and gratitude. We're going to bethrowing around encouragement, a
little bit like confetti andgiving you support to live your
very best life.

(00:30):
Ciao friends, welcome to episodetwo of season two of the life
out loud podcast. I am yourhost, Desire Melfi Bozzo.
Friends, thank you for joiningme, thank you for spending your
time with me. And for my firsttime listeners. Thank you for
your abundance of curiosity. Ihave a really cool season

(00:52):
planned. And last episode, firstepisode of season two, we kicked
off talking about being made tolead and the attributes or
skills of leadership, it appliesto all of us, even those of us
who think that we're not leadinganybody, I promise you, it
applies. Go back and have alisten if you haven't, but

(01:14):
before we go too far down theliving really great lives path.
This episode, I want to slow itdown back it up a little. And I
want to talk about the past.
We're going to get deep, reallyfast really quick. Hang on. Now,
here's the thing. I want to talkabout letting go of the past

(01:37):
because if we don't truly healour past, friends, we can create
incredible, unbelievablefutures, no doubt, right. But
they're also futures thatinstead of being freely lived
with joy, like full maximum joy,their lived running from the
past.

(01:58):
Now for all my Disney fans outthere turns out that adorable
like so adorable little monkeynamed Rafiki in The Lion King.
He was absolutely right. Thepast can hurt. But you can
either run from it, or learnfrom it. So let's get learning.

(02:21):
Now, I want to talk for a minuteabout pain and trauma. And when
we go through pain and trauma,there's really three things that
happen in our lives. And it'simportant to understand what
happens so that we canunderstand how we're going to
react to what happens, right. Sothe first thing that happens is
the lens we see the worldthrough changes, this means the

(02:43):
world isn't safe anymore, itmeans that we realize it's
dangerous or scary. And it meanswe can be hurt, right. So that's
the first thing the world, thelens, we see the world through
changes. The second thing thathappens is the way we handle
situations change, we take onthe thought that from here on
out, we never ever want to feelthat kind of hurt. And so we

(03:04):
develop these coping mechanismsto try and never ever feel that
terrible level of pain everagain. The third thing that
happened is that our emotionsactually become wounded. And
that means that we carry thesehurts deep inside us. That end
up really coming out inrelationships. We think we have
them hidden from the world. Butas we get close to people, they

(03:27):
come out. This is really whatintimacy does, it brings out the
rawest parts of ourselves. Now,I don't know about you, but I
would love to go back and changesome things about the past or at
least have hindsight when goingthrough it. The truth is, I
can't I don't own a DeLoreanwith a flux capacitor. And

(03:50):
chances are you don't either,but also, like, on the side if
you do totally message me. Idigress. Also, I should have you
know, before we get too far thathumor is my way of dealing with
pain or even like the idea ofpain. Because if I'm laughing It
can't hurt, right? Yeah. Movingon.

(04:13):
This leads me right into a sliceof Ann Voskamp book. She wrote a
book, she's fascinating. Shewrote a book called The Broken
way. Ann if you are everlistening to this podcast, I
adore you and I think you areabsolutely magic. A quote from
the broken way says pain begs tobe felt or life will beg you to

(04:37):
feel not one emotion at all.
Emotions mean movement andemotions are meant to move you
toward God. Now, before I gettoo far, I must be sure to
address that. Talking abouthealing the past is not by any
stretch of the imagination aneasy topic and there are many,

(04:58):
many levels and depths of pasthurt and trauma that I am not
all trained or equipped to talkabout. If you find yourself in
that space, if you find yourselfbeing overcome to overcome with
emotion, I urge you to reach outto a trained professional that
can help you someone trained intrauma and in healing.

(05:23):
Now, as we think, throughletting go of the past and
healing it to move forward intothe present, there's a few
things that I really trulybelieve can help us along the
way. The first thing I want totalk us through is that we can't
change other people, we can onlychange ourselves. I'm sure you
can think of at least threepeople in your life that you

(05:45):
would love nothing more than tochange. If you out there don't
have at least three, come talkto me, I will sell you a few of
mine. Seriously. Funny. Funnything about being human is that
we can't actually change anyoneexcept ourselves. And side note,

(06:06):
usually if there's somethingthat we can't stand in another
person, it's usually a mirror ofsomething in us that we might
not like. But that's alsoanother podcast topic for
another day. The mostsignificant thing you can do for
a person that you want to changeis don't turn it off after I say
this is to radically accept themwhere they are. I know, I know,

(06:32):
I can literally feel you rollingyour eyes. But hear me out.
Accept them in the space thereand accept them, regardless if
you like their choices or if youeven agree with them. Because
here's what happens. And here'sthe why. In this acceptance,
blame melts away, which meansfinger pointing becomes non

(06:56):
existent. radical acceptanceisn't saying what happened is
okay by any means. But it issaying you're accepting what is.
In this acceptance, we're ableto create space breathing room,
if you will. And in thisbreathing room, the heaviness
and the burden become lighter,and we realize that we no longer

(07:19):
have to carry it. We no longerhave to bear the burden and the
weight, we no longer have tolive beneath it.
The realization that we can'tchange others, but we can
practice radical acceptanceleads to the next thing. Are you
ready? Radical forgiveness. Now,wait before you cancel me hear

(07:45):
me out. Radical forgivenesssometimes means forgiving
another person. Friend,sometimes it means forgiving
ourselves. Forgiveness is achoice and sets us free from
hurt and bitterness and anger.
Forgiving. Let me be reallyclear, forgiving doesn't erase
anything that happened or makeit okay. But it does clear a

(08:06):
space for healing. Forgivenessreleases you from the prison.
Forgiveness rarely feels good inthe moment involves dying to
self and putting yourrighteousness aside and that is
so hard I I can promise youthat. But I've also experienced
enough life to know that it'sthe things in life that

(08:32):
sometimes feel the worst. Thatpropelled us the highest radical
forgiveness. Oh, feels terriblewhen we're in the middle of it.
Man, when we get past it, whenwe truly radically forgive my
friends, we are truly set free.

(08:59):
After the acceptance and theforgiveness well and comes time,
time heals things. I used tofull disclosure naively say time
heals everything. But I've livedenough now and I've seen enough
now to know that there arethings on the side of heaven
that will never ever, ever, everbe healed. They will just start

(09:21):
to hurt a little bit less. Itdoesn't change situations or
outcomes or consequences. But itmakes the staying a little less
painful. Time doesn't alwaystake away guilt or shame but
it's subdues it enough toprocess it and then work through
it. In a moment things happenthat shake the foundations of

(09:46):
your life into shambles and intime. The emotion takes a breath
and exhales and the true healingbegins. Time in its own time.
heals.
And so while time is passing,here's the last one. Be thankful

(10:10):
in everything, for everything. Italk a lot about gratitude. And
it's because it really doeschange everything. Find
something to be thankful for inthe situations that you face,
even in the ones that cause youthe most pain. I go back to

Romans 8 (10:27):
28 a lot when I'm talking about gratitude, and I
pulled it up again as I was,like, sketching out show notes
and just getting you know, allmy notes in order and thoughts
in order and organized and, andI realized that it had already
been highlighted, circled,underlined and started four
times. This reminded me that Ihave revisited this promise in

(10:47):
pain, a multitude of times.
Romans 8:28 tells us, we knowthat in all things, God works
for the good of those who loveHim, who have been called
according to His purpose.
Friends, this means he's workingfor our good, even in the pain,

(11:09):
even in the cancer, even in themiscarriage, even in the
divorce, even in the death. Godworks for the good of those who
love Him. When we can find thecourage to be grateful, because
gratefulness takes so muchcourage, we are able to keep

(11:30):
hope, alive and faith,unwavering. We are able to focus
on the things in life that arebigger than ourselves and our
circumstances.
Quite a few years ago, I startedputting into action, these ideas
of radical acceptance, radicalforgiveness and gratitude and

(11:51):
over time, friends, somethinghappened. Well, situations and
relationships and people didn'tchange. I did. I found that
implementing these ideas into mylife has offered a soul settling

peace, like the Isaiah 55 (12:07):
12 kind of peace. I don't know
about you, but I've searched theworld and I haven't found that
kind of peace. Until I startedfinding God. Standing in this
peace, I'm able to lay down mypain and my hurts of the past,
I'm able to lay down my brokenheart, I'm able to lay down

(12:31):
despair, and tragedy. With thispain lay down, my hands are now
empty. They're empty to be usedand filled with something new.
I'm able to out stretch them andoffer them to situations that
truly need them. I can offerthem to embrace others and love
exactly where they are. I'm ableto offer them to serve and to

(12:55):
bring light into dark places.
Friends is our time today comesto an end I want to leave you
with a promise that I've writtenon my heart and revisited every
time I'm discouraged. Joel was aprophet in ancient Israel. In
the Bible, we find a verse thatis like a balm to our aching

(13:18):
hearts. It's one of God'spromises of restoration. And I
believe we can cling to it inour hardest moments of healing

the past. And Joel 2 (13:27):
25, the Lord promises I will make up the
years that have been lost. Inour pain from the past, we have
an El Roi, the God who sees me.
I urge you friends do the hardwork of radical acceptance.

(13:51):
Practice radical forgiveness.
Know that time heals wounds, andfind ways to lean into God and
gratitude. Hold fast to thepromises and Joel and know that
he is a God who sees and in thatseeing He heals. Friends, He
restores, I promise you.

(14:14):
I have a question for you. Iguess it's more of an invitation
if nothing else, but would youlike to begin to implement these
ideas in your life? To heal painin your past? That it's time you
stopped carrying? Would you liketo put down the heavy weight and
the heavy burden that feelscrushing some days? You don't

(14:38):
have to carry it anymore. Itwill be hard. No doubt. I
promise it'll be hard andpainful at times. I've promised
that too. But what it can offersweet friends what it can offer.
Friends that will save a life.
That will enliven in our world.

(14:59):
That might be have an impact ourfuture generations for the
better. Put the weight down, youdon't have to carry the pain
anymore.
Friends. I hope you enjoyed thisepisode. I hope this was
fruitful. I hope you were ableto pull some wisdom from it to

(15:20):
apply to your life. I hope itleft you lighter. I hope it left
you full of hope. Send me amessage. I always love hearing
your thoughts. Come back nexttime. I'm going to throw more
encouragement around likeconfetti. Be careful. If you'd
get too close. You just mightget some on you. And like I

(15:45):
mentioned earlier, remember tofind something to be thankful
for. Ciao.
Thank you for joining me DesireMelfi Bozzo for this episode of
Life out loud. I would love tohear from you. Leave me a
comment. Tell me what topics youwant to talk about and how you
take your coffee. If you enjoyedwhat you heard, text a friend

(16:08):
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