December 15, 2024 • 76 mins
For Jordyn Hoskins, growing up in Hagerstown, Indiana was an exhilarating adventure, one that our guest navigated with her twin sister through the dynamic world of gymnastics. Their athletic career, which included state championship accolades and performances to the electrifying tunes of ACDC, was unexpectedly cut short by a severe injury. This setback ushered in a period of rebellion and behavioral challenges, but it also set the stage for a riveting journey filled with resilience and self-discovery. Kevin Shook invites listeners to explore the intimate connections and local landmarks that defined these formative years, painting a vivid picture of a life marked by triumph and turmoil alike.
Jordyn's story takes a compelling turn as she shares the unique challenges and joys of balancing life and professional duties, including the memorable experience of being pregnant during a college practicum at Richmond State Hospital. Through humorous tales of Jordyn working at Kmart and Kevin orchestrating a fake Target opening, the episode captures the essence of resilience amidst life's confounding twists. As the conversation shifts to more serious topics, the spotlight shines on the profound trials of drug addiction and recovery, delving into the battles with prescription pain medication and the broader implications of these struggles within the healthcare system.
The narrative crescendos with a powerful account of trauma, perseverance, and ultimately, transformation. After facing a near-fatal overdose and a harrowing personal crisis, Jordyn embarked on a journey of spiritual awakening and personal growth. They candidly discuss the hereditary nature of addiction, the stigma it carries, and the vital importance of vulnerability in the healing process. Through embracing authenticity, she found a renewed purpose in life, reclaiming her career in social work and regaining custody of her daughter. This episode of Life Unscripted is a testament to the indomitable human spirit and the possibility of redemption amidst adversity.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Life Inscripted with Kevin Shook.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Boom, how's your sound?
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Testing.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Ah, yeah, you're a snorter.
Yeah, that's awesome.
That'll be the beginning of thepodcast.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
This is neat Soordan thank you, thank you for having
me, so you've never done thisbefore.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
No, nothing like it really really you've been
missing out yeah it's fun.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
This is like the whole internet podcasting,
everything it's fun, it's a lotof fun, and I've had like
multiple different guests.
I think I sent you my last one,did you?
Did you watch any of that or orlook them up?
no, I didn't get a couple itliterally was um, brenda sent
(00:59):
the wrong person a text messageand um, it was a group text and
it had the wrong number on itand that number used to be a
friend's number or something andit was like a bible verse,
philippians or something Iforget what it was, but it was
kind obviously.
And um, but it was the wrongnumber.
(01:20):
But he was like amen.
And then uh, but he was like Ithink you got the wrong number,
though, and they started.
He was like can I talk?
Can we kind of talk to you?
And yeah, they end up gettingtogether.
They were in different statesand, uh, got married and they
have six kids.
There's eight of them total.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
That's a god thing.
Yeah, I thought you'd like thatbecause of your whole journey.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
But they um I met them at a real estate listing in
ohio and um because I do a lotof real estate photos and there
was like kids everywhere butthey were like nice, they
weren't little dickheads like alot of kids are.
Yeah, they were like super cooland they weren't in the way or
nothing.
Yeah, um, but they just movedover to western wayne county
(02:10):
nice so I got to know thempretty well.
Um, she plus I think it's sheplus five on instagram, but that
was obviously a long time agobecause they had like two more
yeah three or one more itreminds me of kate plus eight
yeah do you remember that show?
Yeah, yeah, but that was alittle like wild though right,
(02:30):
their kids were hellions it waskind of like real world meets or
uh, octagon yes, so tell meabout yourself well, there's a
lot tell me about um growing up.
Are you from here?
Speaker 1 (02:46):
I'm from around here, so I grew up in hagerstown,
indiana.
Okay, um lived there my wholelife.
Um, I did gymnastics growing upand I'm a state champion in
that, and that's all I reallydid when I was little was
gymnastics, gymnasticsgymnastics.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
That's like some hardcore stuff.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
We took it serious, me and my twin sister, my oldest
sister, devon.
She did it for a little bit butit just wasn't for her.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So me and my twin just really so like how far did
you make it?
Is there like state or yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So, um, there's levels to it.
There's.
Well now, it's different fromwhen, back in the day when I did
it.
There's levels to it.
Well now, it's different fromback in the day when I did it.
There's level four, level five,six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
and then you can go collegiateor elite.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I didn't make it that far I wish, but I won level
four state and level seven stateall around.
I was pretty good.
I'm not going to lie whenpeople see me and my twin.
They knew what was up.
Dang my floor music was Back inBlack by ACDC.
Okay, if that tells youanything, A lot of the other
(03:58):
girls had like real flowy gentle, yes, beethoven.
My twin had Metallica, so wewere just complete opposites of
everybody.
It was pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Wow, yeah, we had everyone's attention.
I feel like you should havewrestled instead, probably.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Back and back, but we were good.
Then we made history in ourhigh school.
It was me, my twin CaitlinCatania and Chelsea Scott.
Then we made history in ourhigh school.
It was me, my twin CaitlinCatania and Chelsea Scott.
We were the first team to go tostate to make it to state out
(04:35):
of any sport from Hagerstown.
So that was pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
What year did you graduate?
Speaker 1 (04:40):
2012.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Oh snap.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
You're young, 30.
I'm old how old are old, areyou?
39 that's not old, but um.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Thanks, but um.
I had a friend uh, ryan ludwig.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I don't know, yeah, yes, yeah, that's my dude.
Nice, he's still over in thisarea.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Yeah I see him all the time like selling golf carts
on facebook.
Wow, what?
What are you doing?
What?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
are you doing, bro?
Hager sounds a small area, soeverybody knows everybody yeah,
yeah, there's.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Uh, is that little chocolate place over there?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
habits candy, oh yes, yeah wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
So after, uh, after high school, like, did you go to
college or what did you do?
Speaker 1 (05:23):
yes, so um, well, uh, to finish up the high school,
like, did you go to college orwhat did you do?
Yes, so well, to finish up thehigh school thing, I broke my
back, fractured it in gymnastics.
My grip broke during agymnastics meet, a high school
gymnastics meet, and I wasn'table to do gymnastics anymore.
That was my junior year andthat kind of ended gymnastics
for me.
Which kind of sucked my junioryear.
(05:46):
And that kind of endedgymnastics for me.
Which kind of sucked Um.
So, yeah, I started having likebehavior problems and cause I
lost the only type of likestability that I knew and
structure and, um, I rebelled.
I guess I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yes, and I did not have a good attitude.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I was not.
I turned in.
I wasn't a nice person, whichI'm not proud of.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
So yeah, Was this like your senior year?
Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Horrible attitude, yeah, not proud of that and then
.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
I can't see that, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Yeah, I was Very different person.
I can't see that in you.
Yeah, I was Very differentperson.
Then I went to college at IUEast, and my first year I was
going to go for nursing.
But I was doing that more formy mom to like, please her, and
I did not really care aboutnursing, Like I did not want to
(06:43):
do that, but I did know that Iwanted to help people and I was.
I've always been interested inaddiction and what causes
someone to like change everylike everything about themselves
to one specific substance oralcohol, and so that's what I
(07:04):
chose uh, specific substance oralcohol, and so that's what I
chose was social work and getcertified in drug and alcohol
abuse counseling.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
so that's what I did and I applied for the social
work program and I got acceptedand yeah, so you did all this
out of high school what all allof became a social worker
because I mean, I I know alittle bit, but you're gonna
(07:32):
share that story, but so you'realready all of that before my
accident, yeah, god, yes, godhad a bigger purpose.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Wow my story.
Yes that's crazy, yeah yeah, Idid my practicum at richmond
state hospital.
That was pretty cool.
What?
Speaker 2 (07:51):
do you think about that?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
it was.
It was different um that's thenicest thing I was pregnant, oh
really my senior year in collegeand that's the year I had to
complete my practicum hours andit was just a very you know,
it's a sad place anyways rightbut um being pregnant.
On top of that and emotional,it was hard but yeah it was.
(08:15):
It was a great learningexperience so what were you?
Speaker 2 (08:19):
were you at meridian's addiction unit, or
were you um doing stuff?
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I was in the other units.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
I was in like in there, in there, okay, the
inpatient stuff.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
So 400 buildings and then I thought, well, well, one
thing that I did with a unit Ithink it was 420b I painted a
tree with him because the wallswere just so bare and white.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
It looks like a jail in there.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
So I was.
We were in a meeting and I waslike, could we like bring some
life into here and maybe youguys just need new ideas Like
fresh, I'm fresh eyes in here.
And, um, the director what washis name, I can't remember, but
he approved it and I was able todo a big tree with the patients
(09:10):
on 420b and everyone got a, abranch and a leaf that they were
able to do, which was reallycool how long ago was that?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
that was 2017 oh huh, I wonder because, let's see, so
our paramedic didn't verify thething from 16 to 22 down here,
so I wonder if I've seen it,because we were there all the
time.
Yeah, it's in the day what theycall the day room 420b yeah, we
(09:44):
went out there a lot really yeah, it always felt bad too because
, um, I could really connectwith the patients really well
and, like, most of the time, theproblem was the staff.
Right, right, it wouldn't be socrazy if you weren't crazy,
yeah so that's what makes ithard uh there, and you gotta
(10:05):
kind of bite your tongue too yes, yeah, you know um, we went in
there a lot for like seizuresand it wasn't because they were
talking, so it was kind of likehuh right what's going on?
yeah they're just trying to getrid of their patient.
Patient load their senses Right, right, so 17.
(10:26):
2017.
What else?
What else was it that year?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
So that was a busy year.
I was pregnant, I was trying tocomplete my practicum hours at
Richmond State Hospital.
I was working at Kmart Kmartwas still a thing.
Yes, yeah, we need to bringthat back, I know.
Oh, I miss it.
Wait a minute.
Took him hours at richmondstate hospital I was working at
kmart.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Kmart was still a thing.
Yes, yeah, we need to bringthat back.
I know?
Speaker 1 (10:47):
oh, I miss it wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Okay, if you could pick kmart or target, what would
you pick?
Speaker 1 (10:53):
kmart all the way.
Really I'm not a tarjay kind ofgal you're not, bougie, are you
?
No, that's cool, no, kmart, ohyeah you oh, bad prank.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I did a bad prank while back and I made target
logo signs and put them in a biglot.
I don't know west 40.
Just I was doing like thissocial experiment to see how
many people on facebook wouldpick up on this.
But uh, my friend at the timebought that, all that land right
there, yeah, and a lot ofpeople were like talking, you
know, know.
(11:22):
So, I printed the Target logoand stuck it in my yacht.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Oh my gosh, I bet people were freaking out.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
People were crazy.
But you know what, if Targetwas here, they wouldn't be crazy
after a while.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
You always want what you can't have.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Yeah, that's true, that is very, very true yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
But Kmart, they had good deals.
Yeah, kmart, they had gooddeals.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Yeah, like always had good deals.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Couldn't you used to get like a slushie and a hot dog
?
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yeah, they had that little food court that was the
best, but I worked back in thelawn and garden and I liked it
back there because I didn't getbothered.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
I'm a hard worker so I kept myself busy, and yeah it
was nice.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Did you ever call?
Speaker 2 (12:06):
in?
No, not really.
So you're like a good employee.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Yeah, um.
Then it went from that workingthere to I worked for street
department for Hagerstown, um,which I did that on and off
throughout summers, a summerhelp, um.
So I just went and did that fora little bit for like leaf
(12:28):
pickup during the fall and stuff.
But my main focus was schooland graduating that year and I
had my daughter in April and acouple months after that I
graduated, so she was able to beat my college graduation.
She was two months old then andjust two weeks after my college
(12:52):
graduation is when my accidenthappened, and so I just had my
daughter and I just graduatedcollege and then my whole life
just do you want to share thosedetails or no?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
well yeah, okay it's.
It's all I know.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
That's what I'm my uh journey is meant to be shared
and hopefully to be aninspiration to people to never
give up and to keep pushing.
Keep keep doing what you needto do, no matter what anybody
says.
Um, like I said before, Ialways kind of struggled with
behavioral problems, um, andalcohol was one of those things
(13:33):
that I used to cope with.
And um, like I said, I just hadmy daughter, so I hadn't had
any alcohol or anything.
So the first night I was awayfrom my daughter I went to a
tractor pull.
My mom watched her for me and Iremember I did not want to go
(13:56):
and I just had like a reallyweird feeling about it, but I
went anyway.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
And I think I got drunk off of like three beers.
Tolerance was low.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Yes, and the aggression started coming out.
I don't know, alcohol alwaysdid that for me.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Really.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
You were angry, drunk .
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah, I guess I was a lover.
I was unhappy in general and Ithink the alcohol just really
really showed that Intensifiesit.
Yeah, I was just not happyinternally.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
And was that because of everything that stemmed from
your back injury in gymnastics?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
No, just everything throughout childhood.
I mean, that's a wholedifferent topic subject gotcha a
lot of things that were justkept to myself, and you know,
like everyone has their familythings that they just try to not
(15:02):
talk about.
But that's not what I'm aboutanymore, so I mean that's why
I'm a different person now.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
You have to look at the hard stuff.
Yeah, you have to face it, butwhy I'm a different?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
person.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
now you have to look at the hard stuff.
Yeah, you have to face it.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Right.
But yeah, it's a different fora different day.
But that night I got very drunkand there was a girl saying
something to my sister.
And I don't play when it comesto my sisters.
I would do anything for themand I guess act play.
When it comes to my sisters, Iwould do anything for them and I
(15:32):
guess act a fool too.
So I try to jump in a bed of atruck to get to a girl to fight
her Because, like I said, I usedto be very aggressive, mean and
happy and that was my goalinside my head.
I was going to jump in the bedof that truck to fight this girl
and my foot slipped on the tire, and the tire it was a dually
(15:57):
truck, so there's two tires onthe back and both of them went
over my whole stomach and Idon't remember anything after
that.
But my twin sister was arrestedthat night and was charged with
battery because a fight did endup happening, which I do not
(16:25):
condone.
That's one of the things thatmy mom always taught us was you
fight to handle problems that's.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
That's what I'm complete opposite of.
Now there's a line betweenself-defense and right attacking
people just being a psychoright okay, yeah and uh, that's.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I never want my daughter to do that.
I want her to use her words andbe able to have a conversation
if she's feeling some type ofway, you know.
So as I'm laying there, thetruck ran over me and I take
full accountability for that.
That was my fault.
I feel like that's a lot ofthings, that one thing that
(17:10):
people don't have a fullunderstanding of.
A lot of people talk about whathappened that night but they
don't fully know the wholelength of it and my actions in
it.
It was nobody else's fault butmine and the person driving had
nothing to do with it and it wasnot his fault by any means.
(17:32):
And, um, I guess I wasunconscious and I tried to stand
up and I fell back down to myknees and that's I mean.
Obviously, the paramedics cameover and rushed me to the
airplane a helicopter whateverthere in Connersville and rushed
me to the airplane, ahelicopter, whatever they were
in Connersville, and got me to.
(17:53):
Um, it wasn't IU, it was theother one, methodist, that they
took me to first.
And, um, I was internallybleeding.
All my organs were crushed, allof them.
Um, I was swelling likebloating and they had my stomach
(18:15):
open like with ice on my organs.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
And on my, I mean my stomach was cut wide open and
Methodists said there wasnothing that they could do for
me.
Like I was going to go, like Iwas sent for, Right, I mean, it
sounds like it yeah.
And I guess my mom grabbed thesurgeon's hand and was like no,
(18:39):
you don't understand my daughter.
She's a fighter, she literallyKimple.
I know you probably think thisis not true by your book
education, but she's like.
I know my probably think thisis not true by your book
education, but she was like.
I know my daughter's spirit, mydaughter's soul, she can get
through this.
He was like there's this oneguy I can call.
His name was Dr Mangus and hewas actually out of town and he
(19:06):
was like he's the number oneliver surgeon or whatever that
he specialized in.
But, like I said, he was out oftown.
He was like I can give him acall to see if he can get here.
And lo and behold, he did andDr Mangus got to me within five
hours and started emergencysurgery.
(19:27):
And started emergency surgeryand he was able to save part of
my liver.
I had three-fourths of it, sothat what do you call that?
It rejuvenated on its own.
So now it's fully a full liveragain, which?
Speaker 2 (19:49):
is so weird how organs work.
It's a miracle.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yes and um uh.
They had to take part of myintestines out and I had an
ostomy bag, which was the worstexperience of my life.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Oh, yeah, gross.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Talk about as a female, and I was 23 at the time
Just all confidence was out thewindow, like everything, um.
So, yeah, I had an ostomy bag,um, what else?
Ton of surgeries after thatthat Dr Mangus did Uh, I don't
(20:35):
have a belly button now, it's ofcool.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah, um, I had a wound back on that for the
longest time um, because, like Isaid, my whole stomach was cut
wide open.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
So I have a big scar from my whole stomach up and
down and, uh, my belly buttonwas causing it to like it was
not healing at all.
So even the wound back wouldn'thelp it, so they just took it
off and finally it just closedup.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
So there's always an innie and an outie, but you're
right in the middle, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
But the way they did it it kind of looks like an
indent, so it kind of looks likea belly button, but it's not
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
I get a little tattoo .
Speaker 1 (21:11):
No, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
Do you have tattoos?
Yeah, I have a lot of tattoos,but, um, yeah, so during this
process I was in icu, for I donICU.
For how long was that?
(21:31):
Two weeks.
I was in induced coma duringall those surgeries.
I don't remember.
I don't know the details.
My mom could tell you all aboutthat my sister's good, but I've
never really asked questionsabout it.
I don't want to know about it.
It was such a dark time, butI've never really asked
(21:53):
questions about it.
I don't want to know about it.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
It's such a dark time .
You should have been dead.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Like a lot of people, and I'm just speaking out of
experience- I should not be here.
I've seen a lot less not makeit.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, I should not be here.
Right, it's cool, you are, yeah, and well, they said what saved
my life was just having mydaughter, because all my organs
were still up from having her,and if they were settled like
any other regular person'sorgans, there's no way.
(22:23):
Yeah, I would have been gonefor sure.
But she is what saved my life.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Oh, I love that.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Oh, she's my angel.
Angel, that's what I call her.
That's crazy yeah, so um howold is she?
She's seven now.
She was two months old when theaccident happened does she
understand?
Speaker 2 (22:42):
like a lot of that, or probably not.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
We talk about it, but I she doesn't know details.
She knows that mommy um was ranover by a truck, um, but that's
all she really needs to knowand that god has me here wait
till she's like for a reason 20something and then be like so,
because I was pregnant with you.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Yeah, so that's how you saved my life.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Yes, yes um, but yeah , she is why I'm here, which is
a beautiful thing, that's cool.
But when I finally woke up frominduced coma, I don't know why,
but in my head I thought I justhad a little boy.
I thought that's why I was inthe hospital.
I don't know if my mind wasstill, since Hudson was so new
(23:26):
to me you know, she was only twomonths old.
Since Hudson was so new to me,she was only two months old
maybe that was flashing back inmy head of giving birth to her.
But no, you were just ran overby a truck.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
It all blended together.
That's sedation right there.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
So then I was like I couldn't talk because the tube
that was down my throat for solong I couldn't get any words
out and I was so weak from notusing any of my muscles that I
couldn't even write what Iwanted to say.
But I remember in my head I wassaying where's my little boy?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Where's?
Speaker 1 (24:01):
the boy, but like I had a girl, I don't know.
It was very odd, but I wantedto know where that baby was.
And, um, I seen my dad and mydaughter's father for the first
time, like, and I thought it wasthe next day after the accident
, so it would have been Sunday,which was going to be that
(24:22):
father's day.
So, mind you, two and a halfweeks have went by, three weeks,
and the first thing I said tothem was happy father's day.
And I remember them crying andI'm like, why are they crying?
But it's three weeks later,like, but in my head it was that
next day, wow, yeah.
So I was saying happy father'sday, like whispering it, trying
(24:45):
to say it, but, um, yeah, a lotof surgeries, a lot of pain
medicine, a lot of pain medicine.
Um, I guess they told my familydr mangus was like addictions
gonna be there, like let's notforget that it's like it's gonna
(25:07):
be there.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
It happened.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
They just said he was very didn't say it's like it's
going to be there.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Could happen.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
They just said it's going to happen.
No, he was very blunt about it,it's going to happen.
It wasn't talked about to me,which I wish it would have been.
I was on such high doses of, Imean, the strongest stuff that
you could get Fentanyl morphine.
I mean you think of it thestrong stuff they were giving it
to me and a lot of it.
Um cause you have to think onall the pain that I was.
(25:32):
I was in Um and even gettingout of the hospital I was on
fentanyl patches and um oxys 30milligrams.
All of this at the same time.
Diazepam, just.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
I was very that would kill the normal day person.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Yeah, all of that, yes and I remember I had a
little button that they had onmy bed and I remember it was
green and if this tells youanything, just a week of them
giving that to me, I couldn'tsay anything really to anybody
else, but in my head I knew Iwanted to hit that button cause
I wanted to feel better.
(26:14):
So a week into it I was havingthose like addictive thoughts,
not even being able to walk yetor really knowing the the full
thing.
That just happened.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
You know what I'm saying yeah, the pain's so bad.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I feel like any human in your situation would have
done the same thing.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yeah, and, mind you, I just graduated with my social
work degree bachelor's andcertified in drug and alcohol
abuse counseling Social workdegree bachelor's and certified
in drug and alcohol abusecounseling.
So that's like, like I saidbefore, I was obsessed with, I
wanted to know more aboutaddiction because my nanny,
who's now passed, and my aunthas always struggled with
(27:02):
addiction and I never understoodwhat held them on to it, like
what I don't understand the tie.
It's hereditary.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Yeah, no, I see that now it's hereditary as fuck them
on to it like what?
I don't understand the tie.
It's a ratatari.
Yeah, I can tell you that it'sa ratatari.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
yes, right yes, because I always said it'll
never be me, it'll never be meand it was.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
It can be anybody, it does not discriminate no, and a
lot of times it's people youdon't even like there's.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
You know, I have friends that struggle in the
dark yeah, and there's a lot ofpeople that are because they
don't want to say anything,because the stigma, the stigma
and your social media.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
What's everybody put on social media?
All the happy moments, all thehappy times and the families and
all that stuff.
So people are afraid to do whatyou're doing open up and say
life's not fucking perfect.
No and um sorry, I just I geton rants, but I completely agree
, though, because that's whateven in my bio.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
It's not there anymore, but I had recovering
addict because I I noticed thateveryone's posting the good
stuff in their lives.
Where's the realness at?
It's not.
It's not.
You don't see it a lot onsocial media.
That's what I, that's what Ilive in truth and that's what my
life is not pretty that's like.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
That's why I started life unscripted.
Because, yes, life's so likecrazy that the the power of
vulnerability yes like I, Ithrive on vulnerability.
Same people are boring to me.
If you don't have I I knoweveryone's not perfect but, like
.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I love authenticity and I love um truth from people.
If not, I find you very boring.
You know what I'm saying likewhat is your soul telling you?
Speaker 2 (28:48):
well, you're right.
Well, it's it.
It goes to eight mile.
The last rap battle when,eminem, do you remember?
Speaker 1 (28:56):
that part where he's like.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
So what?
I live in a trailer, so what?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
yes, all this stuff.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
I love that so I catch myself in like business
meetings where, um, you know,people are talking about stuff
like chamber memberships and andI'm with people like I barely
know they're at a business leveland I'm like I got kicked out
of that motherfucker RightBecause of my drinking in my
mouth and what's cool, when youdo open up like you open up,
(29:22):
you're going to scare away theright people.
I know, do you see how I saidthat though You're going to
scare away the right people?
Yes, but you do.
You see how I said that thoughYou're going to scare away the
right people, but you're goingto attract the right people.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
And that's what I'm all about.
I know that 100%, though theones that are for me and that
are meant to hear what I'msupposed to say, they'll come.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Yeah, the ones that aren't?
Speaker 1 (29:43):
they can go.
That's fine.
I'm not for everybody, andthat's okay.
That's this.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
And that's okay, that's this, and that's on a
personal level, that's on abusiness level, because I've
lost a lot of business but Igained a lot of it.
I lost the right business, Igained the right business.
Yes, as soon as you make thattransition and are completely
transparent, you meet the rightpeople in life, like
wholeheartedly.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I completely agree.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
And it's wild because you said on your bio you put
recovering addict.
And I always say you know,because I'm like 600-something
days sober.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Congrats, that's awesome.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
We're always recovering.
We're never recovered.
As soon as we put ourselves atthat finish line, we're going to
lapse.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yeah, it's day by day Literally.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
So what's it like?
All right, so you know I get onBumble every once in a while on
the dating app.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Oh really, wow.
What a shame Everyone it's tech.
What a shame, because thereain't places to go right.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
If I go to church to meet somebody like I can't even
say, I can't even talk, half ofmy vocab is not appropriate.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
I completely get it anyways.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
But then they got them check marks like sober or
don't drink, and it's like well,if you put sober, somebody
gonna be like red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag.
Do you ever get that when youmeet somebody new, like how do I
explain this to?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
no, that's how I.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
I just live in my truth so you're already like I
don't give a fuck what I don'tgive a shit what anyone thinks
to be honest okay, I got thisoff the rails, but all right.
So going back um, you'rehitting that button a little too
much.
Yes, because obviously you'reexperiencing addiction right now
(31:35):
.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah, and I mean, that's only a weekend.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
It was kind of forced onto you.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yes, and I remember I went off on a nurse because she
wouldn't give me.
You know, you have to wait thattime frame.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
It's like 10 minutes.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yes, I think it was 10 minutes, but in my head I was
clicking it either way so in myhead I was getting that
medicine oh, the placebo yes,that's what's sad thinking about
you, yeah, but um, even likethe medicine that they had to
put in my ivy, um, I threw a fitbecause she was like it's not
(32:10):
been four hours, I can't give itto you yet.
And I mean addiction showed initself right there.
I was like I'm hurting, likegive me.
I started crying and I was likeyou're horrible at your job and
I feel so bad.
I wish I want to go back thereand apologize to that girl,
because she's one of the bestthere and that's why I was back.
(32:31):
She was good at what she'sdoing.
No, she wasn't gonna just handme that medicine right but, um,
yeah, I got mad because I wantedmore and um, I mean even
getting out of the hospital, um,it was oxys, um hydrocodones,
and I remember you know, I'mstill trying to I had to relearn
(32:55):
how to walk, how to talk,everything before I was able to
leave the hospital, so I had,you know, therapy that I had to
do for all that, and on top ofthat, I'm a first-time mom, so
I'm trying to heal my stomach'scut wide open.
I have an ostomy bag.
I walked like the hunchback ofnorderdame and um I my voice was
(33:18):
so soft because the tube thatwas in my throat and trying to
be a good mom, all on top of umhiding an addiction.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
And one day it would be one hydrocodone.
Then it was I'll take twoinstead of one.
And I started abusing myscripts and finding doctors that
would give me more than what mypain doctor was giving me.
And, um, yeah, that's the linksI started going to to get those
(33:57):
.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
you know that feeling wow, yeah, even so, even as
your pain started to get better,you were still traveling down
that route.
Or was your pain still?
Speaker 1 (34:11):
my pain was not there anymore it was an excuse um the
addiction.
That's what I mean.
It was full blown.
At that point I could handlethe pain.
I can handle a lot of pain.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
That's what it was I mean, if you just had a baby
that you can handle right and um.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
what's sad is the lies that I would tell the
doctors, but then I feel like Idon't know they're educated.
Why didn't you just saysomething to me?
Why didn't you call me out?
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Because so the healthcare industry is corrupt
and always will be.
And if they're selling, ifthey're putting in insurance
claims, then there's profitsright, they get a kickback.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Yeah, I know, that's what's sad so they uh, now
that's not.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Let me read back, let me go back.
That's not like every doctor,every right right.
But um, and then they also getcaught in the monotony of of
their superiors saying whydidn't you treat their pain so
like?
When I was a paramedic, theyalways wanted you to use a one
to ten pain scale, right, and ifit's a three they get fentanyl.
(35:32):
So, um, I never did that.
Never, because they could justsay, oh, it's a three I had
could just say, oh, it's a threeI had.
A lot of them would say it's a10.
While they're doing this, thatwas me.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
I would always say like a nine or a 10.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
While they're checking their emails, so I
never went with that.
I never went with that.
It was always like facialexpressions and their vitals.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
If anything, when I was in pain, it was because I
was withdrawing, right.
I didn't know it then, but Iknow it now.
After experiencing addiction.
You know the cold sweats, thebody aches.
That's what that was.
That's what my body wasfreaking out, where's the
medicine?
(36:18):
Because they were slowly takingme off the fentanyl, the oxys,
the hydrocodones, and mentally Iwas freaking out and physically
my body started freaking out.
So then I started going to thestreet to find what I needed.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
What was that?
Speaker 1 (36:41):
First, it was methadone because, well, going
back to how I was saying, mynanny that's passed always
battled with addiction.
She went to the methadoneclinic and I mean she's always
went there and I've always knownthat about her.
She's always she got take homesand she had that at her house
(37:05):
and, um, I remember going thereand I remember the point in
methadone was to help fromopiate use.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
And that's what I was struggling with.
So I was like, okay, if I can'tget what I need, maybe this
will help me get through thewithdrawals at least, because
that's the point in it.
And I asked her to give me someand she did.
It was like she knew what I wasexperiencing, like she could
see the pain on my face.
(37:37):
I was crying, I was hunchedover like rocking, barely able
to move, sweating, puking, allthe nasty stuff.
And those were withdrawals.
So immediately she gave it tome 20 milligrams, I think it was
, and I felt a little better.
But then I stole more from her,20 more milligrams, and it was
(38:00):
just like a ripple effect.
I ended up becoming a what doyou call it there?
The methadone.
I started going to themethadone clinic.
Never in my wildest dreams.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Standing line outside .
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, I was one of those people South A or whatever
, I was one of those people.
There you go, never in mywildest dreams, standing in line
outside.
Yeah, I was one of those peopleSouth A or whatever.
I was one of those people Dangit Never in my life.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Right, I thought I would get to that point.
Right, you just got out ofcollege for alcohol.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
Addiction counseling.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
So then, obviously, around you're around, a bunch of
addicts.
You, you are who you hang outwith oh yeah and um, I was like
I could still get my hands onwhat I really want and I did,
but then it turned into heroin,meth, all the nasty stuff, and I
(38:56):
was using, you know, iv like itshooting up holy shit.
I turned into a different personwow and, mind you, I was still
with my daughter's dad.
We were engaged, we had a housetogether.
I was a stay athome mom and Ido this because I was not
(39:23):
focused on my daughter whenever100% like I should have been.
Um, obviously, brandon, seenthat clearly, um, my mind was
somewhere else and it showed,like just in where I was, how I
acted, uh, the things that Ichose to talk about.
(39:43):
You know, just a very lowvibration of a person wow,
that's crazy yeah, yeah, yep,I'm trying to think that's when
it just got really ugly, thechoices I was making.
(40:05):
I remember I totaled Brandon'struck one night.
We were at some type of weddingcelebration and I left to go
get drugs.
Um, and on my way to go getthat I wrecked and I wasn't hurt
(40:26):
or anything.
But yeah, he had a lot ofdamage done to his truck because
of me.
The cop showed up.
I barely remember that.
He talked, he got me out ofthat really yeah and uh, drove
me home.
Um, then, just a couple daysafter, and I wasn't able to
(40:51):
leave, he had my keys,everything, my wallet, my phone,
and I guess I was there forlike two days and I don't
remember much of it, but I wassupposed to go pick up my
(41:14):
daughter.
I am so grateful for mydaughter's dad, brandon, because
I wasn't there for Hudson, butshe had him, and also he woke me
up to my own shit eventuallynot at that moment, but I'm
(41:35):
grateful that he was there inthose times that I was
completely left, you know, outof my mind.
I was supposed to pick up mydaughter and I never showed up
and he was calling my family,like where's Jordan at?
And they were like I don't know.
They were probably so tired ofmy ship by then and, um, the cop
(42:01):
showed up.
I don't know how they found me,but they did.
Um, the guy still had my phone.
He was actually arrested thatnight and the girl another girl
that was there and I don't knowanything more about that, but
they were arrested that night,which kind of, you know, makes
me weary because I feel likethat's they're gonna, they blame
(42:24):
it on me.
So if you're out there.
I hope you can take someaccountability for your own
actions.
I do not naming any names but,uh, I didn't get arrested or
anything that night, thank God.
But they had to carry me out ofthat room, that hotel room.
I couldn't even move becausethat's how much heroin I was
(42:46):
using.
And then my family was like youneed to go to rehab, like this
is ridiculous.
And the next morning, uh, Iwent to my sister's house
because Brandon had enough.
(43:07):
He's like you're done, notcoming back here, you don't.
You know which?
I don't blame him.
Um, I was at my sister's houseand couldn't even get out of bed
.
She had to, like, force me inthe bath and I remember just
rocking back and forth becausethe withdrawals and I was
needing more medicine in my headthat's what it was, was
(43:27):
medicine and, um, they werefinding me a rehab that would
take me, and they found one inIndy, which Brandon's mom helped
find, and I went there that dayand I was doing good.
You know I participated in, youknow, activities there, but my
(43:53):
mind, I didn't go there on myown terms.
Speaker 2 (44:04):
And if you're going to do recovery, it's got to be,
you got to want it.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
You can't.
No one else can like.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
I mean, they could force you to go and like hold
things over your head, but likeat the end of the day, if you're
not in it for yourself, you'renot going to get clean right.
Only forest is like jail, andthen right, sometimes people
don't even get clean in jailright.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
So I mean, I did what I had to do to get out of there
and then I went back to livewith my mom, um, but life was
just still really weird, I don'tknow.
I was still stuck on theaccident and confused why my
life?
I just very low vibration, thepoor me, the victim mentality,
(44:47):
I'm never going to be anythingin life right just like the
eeyore, so disgusting.
Oh so it just slowly.
I was working at the cemeteryfor the town and I was mowing
grass and it started with a fewXanax.
Like while I was mowing I waslike, oh, it's fine, it won't
(45:11):
affect me any, like, just aXanax.
I used to be on fentanyl andheroin and all this, a Xanax
isn't going to do anything to me.
So it went from that to umdrinking again.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
So this was after rehab.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Yes, and I went from that to drinking again.
Mind you, um, my daughter wascoming to see me at my mom's.
Okay, my focus still was notHudson.
My focus focus was still off,like you would think I would be.
I would get out of there likeokay, like have all these things
(45:45):
.
I need to do yes no, it was notbecause, like I said, I was in
it.
In it for the right reasons,obviously, um, but the that one,
xanax, turned into, you know,back down that path, slowly but
surely.
And um, six months after I wassexually assaulted by my mom's
(46:12):
um, I don't know what you wouldlike to call him Uh, boyfriend
fiance.
They never got you know, Idon't know what you would like
to call him, boyfriend Fiance.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
Call him an asshole for doing that.
Speaker 1 (46:22):
He's my stepdad for many years, Since high school.
I was in high school.
She's still with him to thisday.
She blames it on that.
I'm just.
You know, I was high.
She's the drug addict.
Don't believe her.
Whatever reality they live withto live their insane lives.
(46:42):
But yeah, my daughter wassleeping next to me when this
happened.
My mom wasn't there and hecrawled into my bed and tried
you know, he was caressing meand all this and all I could
think was to walk like my bodyliterally locked up and I froze.
(47:05):
If Hudson wasn't right there,I'd probably be in prison for
murder.
That's all I could really say.
I don't like the fact that mydaughter was laying right there,
but um, I in a way I'm kind ofgrateful she was that's even.
Speaker 2 (47:21):
That just makes it even worse yes, yes was there
any repercussion?
Speaker 1 (47:29):
well, okay, so he did that.
Okay, my body locked up,there's no words.
Okay, there was a movie playing, um, he was very drunk.
I do remember that he reeked ofalcohol and um, I guess maybe
he realized okay, maybe she'snot gonna let me do anything or
(47:50):
she isn't gonna give me thatattention.
But he got up and walked outand I I remember laying there
and I was like what in theactual fuck just happened?
Like am I delusional?
Right now he comes back againlike cracks the door.
And at that point I was.
(48:11):
I was on the phone trying tocall my mom and I just started
screaming.
I was like what?
Because he started walkingtowards the bed again.
I didn't know what else to doand I was like mom, you need to
get here right now.
He just tried touching me and Iremember Hudson like slowly
started to wake up, obviouslybecause I was raising my voice
(48:35):
and I was like get out of myroom, because the room that me
and Hudson was staying in was mychildhood room.
And, uh, he walked out and he Iremember he just went in their
bedroom and just fell asleep.
And my mom got there withinfive minutes and was like what?
What just happened and I waslike he literally just sexually
(48:59):
assaulted me and I remember sheslept in my room with me that
night with a baseball bat by her.
Speaker 2 (49:08):
Okay, um, you would have thought that never happened
so she, but so she acted likeshe cared for a minute yes,
she's still with him.
Speaker 1 (49:18):
To this day.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
Wow, she didn't give a shit.
Speaker 1 (49:21):
No, that's.
Speaker 2 (49:25):
I don't know.
Episode 3.
Speaker 1 (49:27):
Yeah, she's still, I mean, is around, but it's just,
it's very weird.
She lives two different lives.
I live in truth, so if thishurts your feelings I don't
really care.
You know I live in truth, so,but, uh, anyways, that's not an
(49:51):
excuse or anything, but thatreally triggered it to get like
full blown, just raged into thedrugs.
Um, I guess to cope, that's howI wanted to cope with it, I
didn't know how else to I wasn'tbeing heard.
I felt like I remember I calledthe cops.
(50:12):
I already felt like a piece ofshit, because already I just got
out of rehab, like I'm livingat my mom's I I have nothing to
my name.
You know what I'm saying.
So I just started using again,but this time it was meth, which
is absolutely disgusting.
(50:33):
I don't even know who I used tobe.
Speaker 2 (50:36):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
It was Beth and heroin together.
And just like a couple weeksafter that happened I overdosed
in my car and I guess they foundme in the Walmart parking lot
and I was charged withpossession.
That night they gave me what doyou call that?
(51:03):
Why can't I think of it?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
What about a charge?
Speaker 1 (51:06):
No, where they bring you back.
Speaker 2 (51:08):
Narcan, yeah, narcan, 4 milligrams or .2 milligrams
IV.
Speaker 1 (51:12):
They had to use a ton of it.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
I guess Really.
Speaker 1 (51:17):
They got me back, so I survived.
Something else.
But this time it was different.
This time I woke up out of acoma, Like what the actual fuck
are you doing?
Jordan Right.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
So that was your rock bottom.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
Yes, actual fuck, are you doing Jordan right?
So it was your rock bottom.
Yes, and that's.
I had it all changed for mebecause I finally made that
choice and, uh, everyone wasdone with me.
Uh, my sisters, my sister's, mydaughter's dad.
I wasn't allowed to see mydaughter anymore, like it was
(52:07):
like everything that.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
I loved was gone.
Everything, wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 1 (52:10):
So it was either.
I had the choice.
Speaker 2 (52:17):
Either you can continue doing this and die?
Speaker 1 (52:21):
Yeah Right, I mean that's the only outcome or jail,
prison, or you can take this.
You have a degree.
I remember specifically like Ihad a whole conversation in my
head about like jordan, yougraduated, call, like there's
such a big purpose here, likeyou can do something with this
and help change other people'slives, and I stuck with that and
(52:45):
it was hard because I was suchin a low-lack mindset that I
didn't ever think that it wouldbe possible for me to be right
here right now where I am today.
It's taken three and a halflong years to be right here
right now where I am today.
It's taken three and a half longyears to get right here, but
I've came so fucking far fromsleeping on a couch out of my
(53:07):
sister's house to where I amright now and working with, you
know, within the social workfield and using that degree.
Speaker 2 (53:17):
Having your daughter back?
Speaker 1 (53:19):
Yes, and literally fighting to the core to get her
back.
But every move that Hudson'sdad made I needed it was like he
held up a mirror to me and waslike, if this is how you're
(53:39):
going to act, this is whatyou're going to get.
You're not going to see yourkid and she's the one thing I
don't play about.
I will literally do anythingfor her.
I will walk through hell itself, which I did to get to her and
crawled out of the pits of helland broke chains off of me and
(53:59):
generational curses and, um yeah, I felt my way back to her.
He tried to take full custodyand which I completely
understand.
I get that.
I mean.
I would do the same thing.
Um, but I needed that.
I needed something to wake myass up.
It wasn't even like theoverdose, really itself that
(54:22):
woke me up.
It was the thought of Hudsonnot being able to see her, not
having her.
That's what hurt the most.
It wasn't my accident, itwasn't any of that.
Speaker 2 (54:36):
You're about to lose your prize.
Speaker 1 (54:38):
My baby.
Speaker 2 (54:40):
The one good thing you had going.
Speaker 1 (54:41):
Yeah, and that's what my my focus wasn't on her that
whole time, from from theaccident to the overdose, my
eyes were, my mind was so farleft, just completely not where
it should have have, where itshould have been at all, which
(55:01):
was on her, and that's sad toeven say out loud, but like
that's the god's honest truththat's crazy yeah, so uh so what
?
Speaker 2 (55:18):
so did you?
Did you um, put yourself backin rehab or how?
After your overdose?
How?
What did you do to?
Speaker 1 (55:29):
god really he touched my heart at a spiritual
awakening.
Oh, it's such a beautiful thing.
Oh, he's mighty.
I love it so much.
No, I didn't go back to rehab.
Myself was my rehab.
I learned myself inside and out.
(55:51):
I hit my knees on the ground.
I was living with my sistersleeping on her couch.
I had nothing, barely even anyclothes, no shoes.
And that's when I finally, forthe first time in my life,
really felt the Holy Spirit talkto me and that's when I said I
(56:14):
had those conversations ofthere's something you can do
with this.
That was the Holy Spirittalking to me.
You have such a bigger purposein this life and I used to just
think so low of myself and I hadrestrictions in my head of
(56:36):
you'll always just be this girl,that's.
That was in the accident and.
But I used to like thrive offthat in a way I don't know how
to explain that it was like a.
It kept me in that box where Iwanted to be, but I don't think
that way anymore.
Speaker 2 (56:51):
It was like your identity yes, and.
Speaker 1 (56:56):
But I had this spiritual awakening and, um, I
don't know you could call itsome type of activation, but,
like ever since then, I havewanted to get to my highest,
most best self.
Um, I don't know how to explainthat.
(57:17):
It's something much bigger thanwe are.
Speaker 2 (57:20):
Right.
Speaker 1 (57:24):
Reminding me that I still have the power in me to
get back up on my feet Like wakeup, let's get it together.
Let's get a house for your kid,let's get a vehicle.
Speaker 2 (57:37):
Life's not over yet.
Speaker 1 (57:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (57:39):
It just began.
Speaker 1 (57:40):
Right and yeah, you lost a lot of things, you went
through a lot of bad things, butlike it doesn't have to be that
way, Like focus on the good,let's make some positive here
and that's what that's.
What was the hardest thing todo was change my mindset,
because I was always, like Isaid, angry, negative, mean, and
(58:05):
I had the way I think about.
It is like I had to rewire mybrain and into thinking positive
, waking up positive mindset.
Um, routine for myself, pushingmyself to have a routine, even
though it was like uncomfortableat first, but like then it
(58:26):
becomes natural.
Um, I don't, I don't really,just I don't know how to explain
it.
Speaker 2 (58:36):
I don't know how to explain it.
Well, it's larger thanourselves.
There is no one word you canreally put on it.
Speaker 1 (58:44):
And I just knew that I was meant for more.
But I never thought that waybefore until I had that
spiritual awakening.
And I know that's exactly whatit was, because it's
unexplainable.
And that's exactly what it was,because it's unexplainable and
that's the other than a drug.
That's the most intense feelingthat I've ever felt in my life.
When that feeling came over me,when I hit my knees for that
(59:08):
first time, and that rush oflove and assurance and like it's
okay, I'm right here, like Iknow you feel alone right now,
you have nobody right now.
I'm right here Like I know youfeel alone right now, you have
nobody right now, but I'm righthere, like I was alone.
But I didn't feel alone and Godtold me these things, like no,
(59:29):
you're not gonna lose custody ofyour daughter.
And he like told mespecifically what moves to make.
And I listened and I obeyed andI made those moves and I even
specifically remember telling mydaughter's
Life Inscripted with Kevin Shook.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Boom, how's your sound?
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Testing.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Ah, yeah, you're a snorter.
Yeah, that's awesome.
That'll be the beginning of thepodcast.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
Love that.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
This is neat Soordan thank you, thank you for having
me, so you've never done thisbefore.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
No, nothing like it really really you've been
missing out yeah it's fun.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
This is like the whole internet podcasting,
everything it's fun, it's a lotof fun, and I've had like
multiple different guests.
I think I sent you my last one,did you?
Did you watch any of that or orlook them up?
no, I didn't get a couple itliterally was um, brenda sent
(00:59):
the wrong person a text messageand um, it was a group text and
it had the wrong number on itand that number used to be a
friend's number or something andit was like a bible verse,
philippians or something Iforget what it was, but it was
kind obviously.
And um, but it was the wrongnumber.
(01:20):
But he was like amen.
And then uh, but he was like Ithink you got the wrong number,
though, and they started.
He was like can I talk?
Can we kind of talk to you?
And yeah, they end up gettingtogether.
They were in different statesand, uh, got married and they
have six kids.
There's eight of them total.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
That's a god thing.
Yeah, I thought you'd like thatbecause of your whole journey.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
But they um I met them at a real estate listing in
ohio and um because I do a lotof real estate photos and there
was like kids everywhere butthey were like nice, they
weren't little dickheads like alot of kids are.
Yeah, they were like super cooland they weren't in the way or
nothing.
Yeah, um, but they just movedover to western wayne county
(02:10):
nice so I got to know thempretty well.
Um, she plus I think it's sheplus five on instagram, but that
was obviously a long time agobecause they had like two more
yeah three or one more itreminds me of kate plus eight
yeah do you remember that show?
Yeah, yeah, but that was alittle like wild though right,
(02:30):
their kids were hellions it waskind of like real world meets or
uh, octagon yes, so tell meabout yourself well, there's a
lot tell me about um growing up.
Are you from here?
Speaker 1 (02:46):
I'm from around here, so I grew up in hagerstown,
indiana.
Okay, um lived there my wholelife.
Um, I did gymnastics growing upand I'm a state champion in
that, and that's all I reallydid when I was little was
gymnastics, gymnasticsgymnastics.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
That's like some hardcore stuff.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
We took it serious, me and my twin sister, my oldest
sister, devon.
She did it for a little bit butit just wasn't for her.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So me and my twin just really so like how far did
you make it?
Is there like state or yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
So, um, there's levels to it.
There's.
Well now, it's different fromwhen, back in the day when I did
it.
There's levels to it.
Well now, it's different fromback in the day when I did it.
There's level four, level five,six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
and then you can go collegiateor elite.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I didn't make it that far I wish, but I won level
four state and level seven stateall around.
I was pretty good.
I'm not going to lie whenpeople see me and my twin.
They knew what was up.
Dang my floor music was Back inBlack by ACDC.
Okay, if that tells youanything, A lot of the other
(03:58):
girls had like real flowy gentle, yes, beethoven.
My twin had Metallica, so wewere just complete opposites of
everybody.
It was pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Wow, yeah, we had everyone's attention.
I feel like you should havewrestled instead, probably.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Back and back, but we were good.
Then we made history in ourhigh school.
It was me, my twin CaitlinCatania and Chelsea Scott.
Then we made history in ourhigh school.
It was me, my twin CaitlinCatania and Chelsea Scott.
We were the first team to go tostate to make it to state out
(04:35):
of any sport from Hagerstown.
So that was pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
What year did you graduate?
Speaker 1 (04:40):
2012.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Oh snap.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
You're young, 30.
I'm old how old are old, areyou?
39 that's not old, but um.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Thanks, but um.
I had a friend uh, ryan ludwig.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I don't know, yeah, yes, yeah, that's my dude.
Nice, he's still over in thisarea.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Yeah I see him all the time like selling golf carts
on facebook.
Wow, what?
What are you doing?
What?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
are you doing, bro?
Hager sounds a small area, soeverybody knows everybody yeah,
yeah, there's.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Uh, is that little chocolate place over there?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
habits candy, oh yes, yeah wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
So after, uh, after high school, like, did you go to
college or what did you do?
Speaker 1 (05:23):
yes, so um, well, uh, to finish up the high school,
like, did you go to college orwhat did you do?
Yes, so well, to finish up thehigh school thing, I broke my
back, fractured it in gymnastics.
My grip broke during agymnastics meet, a high school
gymnastics meet, and I wasn'table to do gymnastics anymore.
That was my junior year andthat kind of ended gymnastics
for me.
Which kind of sucked my junioryear.
(05:46):
And that kind of endedgymnastics for me.
Which kind of sucked Um.
So, yeah, I started having likebehavior problems and cause I
lost the only type of likestability that I knew and
structure and, um, I rebelled.
I guess I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yes, and I did not have a good attitude.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
I was not.
I turned in.
I wasn't a nice person, whichI'm not proud of.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
So yeah, Was this like your senior year?
Yeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Horrible attitude, yeah, not proud of that and then
.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
I can't see that, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Yeah, I was Very different person.
I can't see that in you.
Yeah, I was Very differentperson.
Then I went to college at IUEast, and my first year I was
going to go for nursing.
But I was doing that more formy mom to like, please her, and
I did not really care aboutnursing, Like I did not want to
(06:43):
do that, but I did know that Iwanted to help people and I was.
I've always been interested inaddiction and what causes
someone to like change everylike everything about themselves
to one specific substance oralcohol, and so that's what I
(07:04):
chose uh, specific substance oralcohol, and so that's what I
chose was social work and getcertified in drug and alcohol
abuse counseling.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
so that's what I did and I applied for the social
work program and I got acceptedand yeah, so you did all this
out of high school what all allof became a social worker
because I mean, I I know alittle bit, but you're gonna
(07:32):
share that story, but so you'realready all of that before my
accident, yeah, god, yes, godhad a bigger purpose.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Wow my story.
Yes that's crazy, yeah yeah, Idid my practicum at richmond
state hospital.
That was pretty cool.
What?
Speaker 2 (07:51):
do you think about that?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
it was.
It was different um that's thenicest thing I was pregnant, oh
really my senior year in collegeand that's the year I had to
complete my practicum hours andit was just a very you know,
it's a sad place anyways rightbut um being pregnant.
On top of that and emotional,it was hard but yeah it was.
(08:15):
It was a great learningexperience so what were you?
Speaker 2 (08:19):
were you at meridian's addiction unit, or
were you um doing stuff?
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I was in the other units.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
I was in like in there, in there, okay, the
inpatient stuff.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
So 400 buildings and then I thought, well, well, one
thing that I did with a unit Ithink it was 420b I painted a
tree with him because the wallswere just so bare and white.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
It looks like a jail in there.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
So I was.
We were in a meeting and I waslike, could we like bring some
life into here and maybe youguys just need new ideas Like
fresh, I'm fresh eyes in here.
And, um, the director what washis name, I can't remember, but
he approved it and I was able todo a big tree with the patients
(09:10):
on 420b and everyone got a, abranch and a leaf that they were
able to do, which was reallycool how long ago was that?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
that was 2017 oh huh, I wonder because, let's see, so
our paramedic didn't verify thething from 16 to 22 down here,
so I wonder if I've seen it,because we were there all the
time.
Yeah, it's in the day what theycall the day room 420b yeah, we
(09:44):
went out there a lot really yeah, it always felt bad too because
, um, I could really connectwith the patients really well
and, like, most of the time, theproblem was the staff.
Right, right, it wouldn't be socrazy if you weren't crazy,
yeah so that's what makes ithard uh there, and you gotta
(10:05):
kind of bite your tongue too yes, yeah, you know um, we went in
there a lot for like seizuresand it wasn't because they were
talking, so it was kind of likehuh right what's going on?
yeah they're just trying to getrid of their patient.
Patient load their senses Right, right, so 17.
(10:26):
2017.
What else?
What else was it that year?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
So that was a busy year.
I was pregnant, I was trying tocomplete my practicum hours at
Richmond State Hospital.
I was working at Kmart Kmartwas still a thing.
Yes, yeah, we need to bringthat back, I know.
Oh, I miss it.
Wait a minute.
Took him hours at richmondstate hospital I was working at
kmart.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Kmart was still a thing.
Yes, yeah, we need to bringthat back.
I know?
Speaker 1 (10:47):
oh, I miss it wait a minute.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Okay, if you could pick kmart or target, what would
you pick?
Speaker 1 (10:53):
kmart all the way.
Really I'm not a tarjay kind ofgal you're not, bougie, are you
?
No, that's cool, no, kmart, ohyeah you oh, bad prank.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I did a bad prank while back and I made target
logo signs and put them in a biglot.
I don't know west 40.
Just I was doing like thissocial experiment to see how
many people on facebook wouldpick up on this.
But uh, my friend at the timebought that, all that land right
there, yeah, and a lot ofpeople were like talking, you
know, know.
(11:22):
So, I printed the Target logoand stuck it in my yacht.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Oh my gosh, I bet people were freaking out.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
People were crazy.
But you know what, if Targetwas here, they wouldn't be crazy
after a while.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
You always want what you can't have.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Yeah, that's true, that is very, very true yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
But Kmart, they had good deals.
Yeah, kmart, they had gooddeals.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Yeah, like always had good deals.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Couldn't you used to get like a slushie and a hot dog
?
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yeah, they had that little food court that was the
best, but I worked back in thelawn and garden and I liked it
back there because I didn't getbothered.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
I'm a hard worker so I kept myself busy, and yeah it
was nice.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Did you ever call?
Speaker 2 (12:06):
in?
No, not really.
So you're like a good employee.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Yeah, um.
Then it went from that workingthere to I worked for street
department for Hagerstown, um,which I did that on and off
throughout summers, a summerhelp, um.
So I just went and did that fora little bit for like leaf
(12:28):
pickup during the fall and stuff.
But my main focus was schooland graduating that year and I
had my daughter in April and acouple months after that I
graduated, so she was able to beat my college graduation.
She was two months old then andjust two weeks after my college
(12:52):
graduation is when my accidenthappened, and so I just had my
daughter and I just graduatedcollege and then my whole life
just do you want to share thosedetails or no?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
well yeah, okay it's.
It's all I know.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
That's what I'm my uh journey is meant to be shared
and hopefully to be aninspiration to people to never
give up and to keep pushing.
Keep keep doing what you needto do, no matter what anybody
says.
Um, like I said before, Ialways kind of struggled with
behavioral problems, um, andalcohol was one of those things
(13:33):
that I used to cope with.
And um, like I said, I just hadmy daughter, so I hadn't had
any alcohol or anything.
So the first night I was awayfrom my daughter I went to a
tractor pull.
My mom watched her for me and Iremember I did not want to go
(13:56):
and I just had like a reallyweird feeling about it, but I
went anyway.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
And I think I got drunk off of like three beers.
Tolerance was low.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Yes, and the aggression started coming out.
I don't know, alcohol alwaysdid that for me.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Really.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
You were angry, drunk .
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yeah, I guess I was a lover.
I was unhappy in general and Ithink the alcohol just really
really showed that Intensifiesit.
Yeah, I was just not happyinternally.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
And was that because of everything that stemmed from
your back injury in gymnastics?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
No, just everything throughout childhood.
I mean, that's a wholedifferent topic subject gotcha a
lot of things that were justkept to myself, and you know,
like everyone has their familythings that they just try to not
(15:02):
talk about.
But that's not what I'm aboutanymore, so I mean that's why
I'm a different person now.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
You have to look at the hard stuff.
Yeah, you have to face it, butwhy I'm a different?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
person.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
now you have to look at the hard stuff.
Yeah, you have to face it.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
Right.
But yeah, it's a different fora different day.
But that night I got very drunkand there was a girl saying
something to my sister.
And I don't play when it comesto my sisters.
I would do anything for themand I guess act play.
When it comes to my sisters, Iwould do anything for them and I
(15:32):
guess act a fool too.
So I try to jump in a bed of atruck to get to a girl to fight
her Because, like I said, I usedto be very aggressive, mean and
happy and that was my goalinside my head.
I was going to jump in the bedof that truck to fight this girl
and my foot slipped on the tire, and the tire it was a dually
(15:57):
truck, so there's two tires onthe back and both of them went
over my whole stomach and Idon't remember anything after
that.
But my twin sister was arrestedthat night and was charged with
battery because a fight did endup happening, which I do not
(16:25):
condone.
That's one of the things thatmy mom always taught us was you
fight to handle problems that's.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
That's what I'm complete opposite of.
Now there's a line betweenself-defense and right attacking
people just being a psychoright okay, yeah and uh, that's.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I never want my daughter to do that.
I want her to use her words andbe able to have a conversation
if she's feeling some type ofway, you know.
So as I'm laying there, thetruck ran over me and I take
full accountability for that.
That was my fault.
I feel like that's a lot ofthings, that one thing that
(17:10):
people don't have a fullunderstanding of.
A lot of people talk about whathappened that night but they
don't fully know the wholelength of it and my actions in
it.
It was nobody else's fault butmine and the person driving had
nothing to do with it and it wasnot his fault by any means.
(17:32):
And, um, I guess I wasunconscious and I tried to stand
up and I fell back down to myknees and that's I mean.
Obviously, the paramedics cameover and rushed me to the
airplane a helicopter whateverthere in Connersville and rushed
me to the airplane, ahelicopter, whatever they were
in Connersville, and got me to.
(17:53):
Um, it wasn't IU, it was theother one, methodist, that they
took me to first.
And, um, I was internallybleeding.
All my organs were crushed, allof them.
Um, I was swelling likebloating and they had my stomach
(18:15):
open like with ice on my organs.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
And on my, I mean my stomach was cut wide open and
Methodists said there wasnothing that they could do for
me.
Like I was going to go, like Iwas sent for, Right, I mean, it
sounds like it yeah.
And I guess my mom grabbed thesurgeon's hand and was like no,
(18:39):
you don't understand my daughter.
She's a fighter, she literallyKimple.
I know you probably think thisis not true by your book
education, but she's like.
I know my probably think thisis not true by your book
education, but she was like.
I know my daughter's spirit, mydaughter's soul, she can get
through this.
He was like there's this oneguy I can call.
His name was Dr Mangus and hewas actually out of town and he
(19:06):
was like he's the number oneliver surgeon or whatever that
he specialized in.
But, like I said, he was out oftown.
He was like I can give him acall to see if he can get here.
And lo and behold, he did andDr Mangus got to me within five
hours and started emergencysurgery.
(19:27):
And started emergency surgeryand he was able to save part of
my liver.
I had three-fourths of it, sothat what do you call that?
It rejuvenated on its own.
So now it's fully a full liveragain, which?
Speaker 2 (19:49):
is so weird how organs work.
It's a miracle.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yes and um uh.
They had to take part of myintestines out and I had an
ostomy bag, which was the worstexperience of my life.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Oh, yeah, gross.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Talk about as a female, and I was 23 at the time
Just all confidence was out thewindow, like everything, um.
So, yeah, I had an ostomy bag,um, what else?
Ton of surgeries after thatthat Dr Mangus did Uh, I don't
(20:35):
have a belly button now, it's ofcool.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yeah, um, I had a wound back on that for the
longest time um, because, like Isaid, my whole stomach was cut
wide open.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
So I have a big scar from my whole stomach up and
down and, uh, my belly buttonwas causing it to like it was
not healing at all.
So even the wound back wouldn'thelp it, so they just took it
off and finally it just closedup.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
So there's always an innie and an outie, but you're
right in the middle, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
But the way they did it it kind of looks like an
indent, so it kind of looks likea belly button, but it's not
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
I get a little tattoo .
Speaker 1 (21:11):
No, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.
Do you have tattoos?
Yeah, I have a lot of tattoos,but, um, yeah, so during this
process I was in icu, for I donICU.
For how long was that?
(21:31):
Two weeks.
I was in induced coma duringall those surgeries.
I don't remember.
I don't know the details.
My mom could tell you all aboutthat my sister's good, but I've
never really asked questionsabout it.
I don't want to know about it.
It was such a dark time, butI've never really asked
(21:53):
questions about it.
I don't want to know about it.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
It's such a dark time .
You should have been dead.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Like a lot of people, and I'm just speaking out of
experience- I should not be here.
I've seen a lot less not makeit.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, I should not be here.
Right, it's cool, you are, yeah, and well, they said what saved
my life was just having mydaughter, because all my organs
were still up from having her,and if they were settled like
any other regular person'sorgans, there's no way.
(22:23):
Yeah, I would have been gonefor sure.
But she is what saved my life.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Oh, I love that.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Oh, she's my angel.
Angel, that's what I call her.
That's crazy yeah, so um howold is she?
She's seven now.
She was two months old when theaccident happened does she
understand?
Speaker 2 (22:42):
like a lot of that, or probably not.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
We talk about it, but I she doesn't know details.
She knows that mommy um was ranover by a truck, um, but that's
all she really needs to knowand that god has me here wait
till she's like for a reason 20something and then be like so,
because I was pregnant with you.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Yeah, so that's how you saved my life.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Yes, yes um, but yeah , she is why I'm here, which is
a beautiful thing, that's cool.
But when I finally woke up frominduced coma, I don't know why,
but in my head I thought I justhad a little boy.
I thought that's why I was inthe hospital.
I don't know if my mind wasstill, since Hudson was so new
(23:26):
to me you know, she was only twomonths old.
Since Hudson was so new to me,she was only two months old
maybe that was flashing back inmy head of giving birth to her.
But no, you were just ran overby a truck.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
It all blended together.
That's sedation right there.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
So then I was like I couldn't talk because the tube
that was down my throat for solong I couldn't get any words
out and I was so weak from notusing any of my muscles that I
couldn't even write what Iwanted to say.
But I remember in my head I wassaying where's my little boy?
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Where's?
Speaker 1 (24:01):
the boy, but like I had a girl, I don't know.
It was very odd, but I wantedto know where that baby was.
And, um, I seen my dad and mydaughter's father for the first
time, like, and I thought it wasthe next day after the accident
, so it would have been Sunday,which was going to be that
(24:22):
father's day.
So, mind you, two and a halfweeks have went by, three weeks,
and the first thing I said tothem was happy father's day.
And I remember them crying andI'm like, why are they crying?
But it's three weeks later,like, but in my head it was that
next day, wow, yeah.
So I was saying happy father'sday, like whispering it, trying
(24:45):
to say it, but, um, yeah, a lotof surgeries, a lot of pain
medicine, a lot of pain medicine.
Um, I guess they told my familydr mangus was like addictions
gonna be there, like let's notforget that it's like it's gonna
(25:07):
be there.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
It happened.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
They just said he was very didn't say it's like it's
going to be there.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Could happen.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
They just said it's going to happen.
No, he was very blunt about it,it's going to happen.
It wasn't talked about to me,which I wish it would have been.
I was on such high doses of, Imean, the strongest stuff that
you could get Fentanyl morphine.
I mean you think of it thestrong stuff they were giving it
to me and a lot of it.
Um cause you have to think onall the pain that I was.
(25:32):
I was in Um and even gettingout of the hospital I was on
fentanyl patches and um oxys 30milligrams.
All of this at the same time.
Diazepam, just.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
I was very that would kill the normal day person.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Yeah, all of that, yes and I remember I had a
little button that they had onmy bed and I remember it was
green and if this tells youanything, just a week of them
giving that to me, I couldn'tsay anything really to anybody
else, but in my head I knew Iwanted to hit that button cause
I wanted to feel better.
(26:14):
So a week into it I was havingthose like addictive thoughts,
not even being able to walk yetor really knowing the the full
thing.
That just happened.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
You know what I'm saying yeah, the pain's so bad.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
I feel like any human in your situation would have
done the same thing.
Speaker 1 (26:39):
Yeah, and, mind you, I just graduated with my social
work degree bachelor's andcertified in drug and alcohol
abuse counseling Social workdegree bachelor's and certified
in drug and alcohol abusecounseling.
So that's like, like I saidbefore, I was obsessed with, I
wanted to know more aboutaddiction because my nanny,
who's now passed, and my aunthas always struggled with
(27:02):
addiction and I never understoodwhat held them on to it, like
what I don't understand the tie.
It's hereditary.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Yeah, no, I see that now it's hereditary as fuck them
on to it like what?
I don't understand the tie.
It's a ratatari.
Yeah, I can tell you that it'sa ratatari.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
yes, right yes, because I always said it'll
never be me, it'll never be meand it was.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
It can be anybody, it does not discriminate no, and a
lot of times it's people youdon't even like there's.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
You know, I have friends that struggle in the
dark yeah, and there's a lot ofpeople that are because they
don't want to say anything,because the stigma, the stigma
and your social media.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
What's everybody put on social media?
All the happy moments, all thehappy times and the families and
all that stuff.
So people are afraid to do whatyou're doing open up and say
life's not fucking perfect.
No and um sorry, I just I geton rants, but I completely agree
, though, because that's whateven in my bio.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
It's not there anymore, but I had recovering
addict because I I noticed thateveryone's posting the good
stuff in their lives.
Where's the realness at?
It's not.
It's not.
You don't see it a lot onsocial media.
That's what I, that's what Ilive in truth and that's what my
life is not pretty that's like.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
That's why I started life unscripted.
Because, yes, life's so likecrazy that the the power of
vulnerability yes like I, Ithrive on vulnerability.
Same people are boring to me.
If you don't have I I knoweveryone's not perfect but, like
.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I love authenticity and I love um truth from people.
If not, I find you very boring.
You know what I'm saying likewhat is your soul telling you?
Speaker 2 (28:48):
well, you're right.
Well, it's it.
It goes to eight mile.
The last rap battle when,eminem, do you remember?
Speaker 1 (28:56):
that part where he's like.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
So what?
I live in a trailer, so what?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
yes, all this stuff.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
I love that so I catch myself in like business
meetings where, um, you know,people are talking about stuff
like chamber memberships and andI'm with people like I barely
know they're at a business leveland I'm like I got kicked out
of that motherfucker RightBecause of my drinking in my
mouth and what's cool, when youdo open up like you open up,
(29:22):
you're going to scare away theright people.
I know, do you see how I saidthat though You're going to
scare away the right people?
Yes, but you do.
You see how I said that thoughYou're going to scare away the
right people, but you're goingto attract the right people.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
And that's what I'm all about.
I know that 100%, though theones that are for me and that
are meant to hear what I'msupposed to say, they'll come.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Yeah, the ones that aren't?
Speaker 1 (29:43):
they can go.
That's fine.
I'm not for everybody, andthat's okay.
That's this.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
And that's okay, that's this, and that's on a
personal level, that's on abusiness level, because I've
lost a lot of business but Igained a lot of it.
I lost the right business, Igained the right business.
Yes, as soon as you make thattransition and are completely
transparent, you meet the rightpeople in life, like
wholeheartedly.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I completely agree.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
And it's wild because you said on your bio you put
recovering addict.
And I always say you know,because I'm like 600-something
days sober.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Congrats, that's awesome.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
We're always recovering.
We're never recovered.
As soon as we put ourselves atthat finish line, we're going to
lapse.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Yeah, it's day by day Literally.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
So what's it like?
All right, so you know I get onBumble every once in a while on
the dating app.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Oh really, wow.
What a shame Everyone it's tech.
What a shame, because thereain't places to go right.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
If I go to church to meet somebody like I can't even
say, I can't even talk, half ofmy vocab is not appropriate.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
I completely get it anyways.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
But then they got them check marks like sober or
don't drink, and it's like well,if you put sober, somebody
gonna be like red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag.
Do you ever get that when youmeet somebody new, like how do I
explain this to?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
no, that's how I.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
I just live in my truth so you're already like I
don't give a fuck what I don'tgive a shit what anyone thinks
to be honest okay, I got thisoff the rails, but all right.
So going back um, you'rehitting that button a little too
much.
Yes, because obviously you'reexperiencing addiction right now
(31:35):
.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah, and I mean, that's only a weekend.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
It was kind of forced onto you.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yes, and I remember I went off on a nurse because she
wouldn't give me.
You know, you have to wait thattime frame.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
It's like 10 minutes.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yes, I think it was 10 minutes, but in my head I was
clicking it either way so in myhead I was getting that
medicine oh, the placebo yes,that's what's sad thinking about
you, yeah, but um, even likethe medicine that they had to
put in my ivy, um, I threw a fitbecause she was like it's not
(32:10):
been four hours, I can't give itto you yet.
And I mean addiction showed initself right there.
I was like I'm hurting, likegive me.
I started crying and I was likeyou're horrible at your job and
I feel so bad.
I wish I want to go back thereand apologize to that girl,
because she's one of the bestthere and that's why I was back.
(32:31):
She was good at what she'sdoing.
No, she wasn't gonna just handme that medicine right but, um,
yeah, I got mad because I wantedmore and um, I mean even
getting out of the hospital, um,it was oxys, um hydrocodones,
and I remember you know, I'mstill trying to I had to relearn
(32:55):
how to walk, how to talk,everything before I was able to
leave the hospital, so I had,you know, therapy that I had to
do for all that, and on top ofthat, I'm a first-time mom, so
I'm trying to heal my stomach'scut wide open.
I have an ostomy bag.
I walked like the hunchback ofnorderdame and um I my voice was
(33:18):
so soft because the tube thatwas in my throat and trying to
be a good mom, all on top of umhiding an addiction.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:33):
And one day it would be one hydrocodone.
Then it was I'll take twoinstead of one.
And I started abusing myscripts and finding doctors that
would give me more than what mypain doctor was giving me.
And, um, yeah, that's the linksI started going to to get those
(33:57):
.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
you know that feeling wow, yeah, even so, even as
your pain started to get better,you were still traveling down
that route.
Or was your pain still?
Speaker 1 (34:11):
my pain was not there anymore it was an excuse um the
addiction.
That's what I mean.
It was full blown.
At that point I could handlethe pain.
I can handle a lot of pain.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
That's what it was I mean, if you just had a baby
that you can handle right and um.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
what's sad is the lies that I would tell the
doctors, but then I feel like Idon't know they're educated.
Why didn't you just saysomething to me?
Why didn't you call me out?
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Because so the healthcare industry is corrupt
and always will be.
And if they're selling, ifthey're putting in insurance
claims, then there's profitsright, they get a kickback.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Yeah, I know, that's what's sad so they uh, now
that's not.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Let me read back, let me go back.
That's not like every doctor,every right right.
But um, and then they also getcaught in the monotony of of
their superiors saying whydidn't you treat their pain so
like?
When I was a paramedic, theyalways wanted you to use a one
to ten pain scale, right, and ifit's a three they get fentanyl.
(35:32):
So, um, I never did that.
Never, because they could justsay, oh, it's a three I had
could just say, oh, it's a threeI had.
A lot of them would say it's a10.
While they're doing this, thatwas me.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
I would always say like a nine or a 10.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
While they're checking their emails, so I
never went with that.
I never went with that.
It was always like facialexpressions and their vitals.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
If anything, when I was in pain, it was because I
was withdrawing, right.
I didn't know it then, but Iknow it now.
After experiencing addiction.
You know the cold sweats, thebody aches.
That's what that was.
That's what my body wasfreaking out, where's the
medicine?
(36:18):
Because they were slowly takingme off the fentanyl, the oxys,
the hydrocodones, and mentally Iwas freaking out and physically
my body started freaking out.
So then I started going to thestreet to find what I needed.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
What was that?
Speaker 1 (36:41):
First, it was methadone because, well, going
back to how I was saying, mynanny that's passed always
battled with addiction.
She went to the methadoneclinic and I mean she's always
went there and I've always knownthat about her.
She's always she got take homesand she had that at her house
(37:05):
and, um, I remember going thereand I remember the point in
methadone was to help fromopiate use.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (37:17):
And that's what I was struggling with.
So I was like, okay, if I can'tget what I need, maybe this
will help me get through thewithdrawals at least, because
that's the point in it.
And I asked her to give me someand she did.
It was like she knew what I wasexperiencing, like she could
see the pain on my face.
(37:37):
I was crying, I was hunchedover like rocking, barely able
to move, sweating, puking, allthe nasty stuff.
And those were withdrawals.
So immediately she gave it tome 20 milligrams, I think it was
, and I felt a little better.
But then I stole more from her,20 more milligrams, and it was
(38:00):
just like a ripple effect.
I ended up becoming a what doyou call it there?
The methadone.
I started going to themethadone clinic.
Never in my wildest dreams.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Standing line outside .
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, I was one of those people South A or whatever
, I was one of those people.
There you go, never in mywildest dreams, standing in line
outside.
Yeah, I was one of those peopleSouth A or whatever.
I was one of those people Dangit Never in my life.
Speaker 2 (38:21):
Right, I thought I would get to that point.
Right, you just got out ofcollege for alcohol.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
Addiction counseling.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
So then, obviously, around you're around, a bunch of
addicts.
You, you are who you hang outwith oh yeah and um, I was like
I could still get my hands onwhat I really want and I did,
but then it turned into heroin,meth, all the nasty stuff, and I
(38:56):
was using, you know, iv like itshooting up holy shit.
I turned into a different personwow and, mind you, I was still
with my daughter's dad.
We were engaged, we had a housetogether.
I was a stay athome mom and Ido this because I was not
(39:23):
focused on my daughter whenever100% like I should have been.
Um, obviously, brandon, seenthat clearly, um, my mind was
somewhere else and it showed,like just in where I was, how I
acted, uh, the things that Ichose to talk about.
(39:43):
You know, just a very lowvibration of a person wow,
that's crazy yeah, yeah, yep,I'm trying to think that's when
it just got really ugly, thechoices I was making.
(40:05):
I remember I totaled Brandon'struck one night.
We were at some type of weddingcelebration and I left to go
get drugs.
Um, and on my way to go getthat I wrecked and I wasn't hurt
(40:26):
or anything.
But yeah, he had a lot ofdamage done to his truck because
of me.
The cop showed up.
I barely remember that.
He talked, he got me out ofthat really yeah and uh, drove
me home.
Um, then, just a couple daysafter, and I wasn't able to
(40:51):
leave, he had my keys,everything, my wallet, my phone,
and I guess I was there forlike two days and I don't
remember much of it, but I wassupposed to go pick up my
(41:14):
daughter.
I am so grateful for mydaughter's dad, brandon, because
I wasn't there for Hudson, butshe had him, and also he woke me
up to my own shit eventuallynot at that moment, but I'm
(41:35):
grateful that he was there inthose times that I was
completely left, you know, outof my mind.
I was supposed to pick up mydaughter and I never showed up
and he was calling my family,like where's Jordan at?
And they were like I don't know.
They were probably so tired ofmy ship by then and, um, the cop
(42:01):
showed up.
I don't know how they found me,but they did.
Um, the guy still had my phone.
He was actually arrested thatnight and the girl another girl
that was there and I don't knowanything more about that, but
they were arrested that night,which kind of, you know, makes
me weary because I feel likethat's they're gonna, they blame
(42:24):
it on me.
So if you're out there.
I hope you can take someaccountability for your own
actions.
I do not naming any names but,uh, I didn't get arrested or
anything that night, thank God.
But they had to carry me out ofthat room, that hotel room.
I couldn't even move becausethat's how much heroin I was
(42:46):
using.
And then my family was like youneed to go to rehab, like this
is ridiculous.
And the next morning, uh, Iwent to my sister's house
because Brandon had enough.
(43:07):
He's like you're done, notcoming back here, you don't.
You know which?
I don't blame him.
Um, I was at my sister's houseand couldn't even get out of bed
.
She had to, like, force me inthe bath and I remember just
rocking back and forth becausethe withdrawals and I was
needing more medicine in my headthat's what it was, was
(43:27):
medicine and, um, they werefinding me a rehab that would
take me, and they found one inIndy, which Brandon's mom helped
find, and I went there that dayand I was doing good.
You know I participated in, youknow, activities there, but my
(43:53):
mind, I didn't go there on myown terms.
Speaker 2 (44:04):
And if you're going to do recovery, it's got to be,
you got to want it.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
You can't.
No one else can like.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
I mean, they could force you to go and like hold
things over your head, but likeat the end of the day, if you're
not in it for yourself, you'renot going to get clean right.
Only forest is like jail, andthen right, sometimes people
don't even get clean in jailright.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
So I mean, I did what I had to do to get out of there
and then I went back to livewith my mom, um, but life was
just still really weird, I don'tknow.
I was still stuck on theaccident and confused why my
life?
I just very low vibration, thepoor me, the victim mentality,
(44:47):
I'm never going to be anythingin life right just like the
eeyore, so disgusting.
Oh so it just slowly.
I was working at the cemeteryfor the town and I was mowing
grass and it started with a fewXanax.
Like while I was mowing I waslike, oh, it's fine, it won't
(45:11):
affect me any, like, just aXanax.
I used to be on fentanyl andheroin and all this, a Xanax
isn't going to do anything to me.
So it went from that to umdrinking again.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
So this was after rehab.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Yes, and I went from that to drinking again.
Mind you, um, my daughter wascoming to see me at my mom's.
Okay, my focus still was notHudson.
My focus focus was still off,like you would think I would be.
I would get out of there likeokay, like have all these things
(45:45):
.
I need to do yes no, it was notbecause, like I said, I was in
it.
In it for the right reasons,obviously, um, but the that one,
xanax, turned into, you know,back down that path, slowly but
surely.
And um, six months after I wassexually assaulted by my mom's
(46:12):
um, I don't know what you wouldlike to call him Uh, boyfriend
fiance.
They never got you know, Idon't know what you would like
to call him, boyfriend Fiance.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
Call him an asshole for doing that.
Speaker 1 (46:22):
He's my stepdad for many years, Since high school.
I was in high school.
She's still with him to thisday.
She blames it on that.
I'm just.
You know, I was high.
She's the drug addict.
Don't believe her.
Whatever reality they live withto live their insane lives.
(46:42):
But yeah, my daughter wassleeping next to me when this
happened.
My mom wasn't there and hecrawled into my bed and tried
you know, he was caressing meand all this and all I could
think was to walk like my bodyliterally locked up and I froze.
(47:05):
If Hudson wasn't right there,I'd probably be in prison for
murder.
That's all I could really say.
I don't like the fact that mydaughter was laying right there,
but um, I in a way I'm kind ofgrateful she was that's even.
Speaker 2 (47:21):
That just makes it even worse yes, yes was there
any repercussion?
Speaker 1 (47:29):
well, okay, so he did that.
Okay, my body locked up,there's no words.
Okay, there was a movie playing, um, he was very drunk.
I do remember that he reeked ofalcohol and um, I guess maybe
he realized okay, maybe she'snot gonna let me do anything or
(47:50):
she isn't gonna give me thatattention.
But he got up and walked outand I I remember laying there
and I was like what in theactual fuck just happened?
Like am I delusional?
Right now he comes back againlike cracks the door.
And at that point I was.
(48:11):
I was on the phone trying tocall my mom and I just started
screaming.
I was like what?
Because he started walkingtowards the bed again.
I didn't know what else to doand I was like mom, you need to
get here right now.
He just tried touching me and Iremember Hudson like slowly
started to wake up, obviouslybecause I was raising my voice
(48:35):
and I was like get out of myroom, because the room that me
and Hudson was staying in was mychildhood room.
And, uh, he walked out and he Iremember he just went in their
bedroom and just fell asleep.
And my mom got there withinfive minutes and was like what?
What just happened and I waslike he literally just sexually
(48:59):
assaulted me and I remember sheslept in my room with me that
night with a baseball bat by her.
Speaker 2 (49:08):
Okay, um, you would have thought that never happened
so she, but so she acted likeshe cared for a minute yes,
she's still with him.
Speaker 1 (49:18):
To this day.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
Wow, she didn't give a shit.
Speaker 1 (49:21):
No, that's.
Speaker 2 (49:25):
I don't know.
Episode 3.
Speaker 1 (49:27):
Yeah, she's still, I mean, is around, but it's just,
it's very weird.
She lives two different lives.
I live in truth, so if thishurts your feelings I don't
really care.
You know I live in truth, so,but, uh, anyways, that's not an
(49:51):
excuse or anything, but thatreally triggered it to get like
full blown, just raged into thedrugs.
Um, I guess to cope, that's howI wanted to cope with it, I
didn't know how else to I wasn'tbeing heard.
I felt like I remember I calledthe cops.
(50:12):
I already felt like a piece ofshit, because already I just got
out of rehab, like I'm livingat my mom's I I have nothing to
my name.
You know what I'm saying.
So I just started using again,but this time it was meth, which
is absolutely disgusting.
(50:33):
I don't even know who I used tobe.
Speaker 2 (50:36):
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
It was Beth and heroin together.
And just like a couple weeksafter that happened I overdosed
in my car and I guess they foundme in the Walmart parking lot
and I was charged withpossession.
That night they gave me what doyou call that?
(51:03):
Why can't I think of it?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
What about a charge?
Speaker 1 (51:06):
No, where they bring you back.
Speaker 2 (51:08):
Narcan, yeah, narcan, 4 milligrams or .2 milligrams
IV.
Speaker 1 (51:12):
They had to use a ton of it.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
I guess Really.
Speaker 1 (51:17):
They got me back, so I survived.
Something else.
But this time it was different.
This time I woke up out of acoma, Like what the actual fuck
are you doing?
Jordan Right.
Speaker 2 (51:36):
So that was your rock bottom.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
Yes, actual fuck, are you doing Jordan right?
So it was your rock bottom.
Yes, and that's.
I had it all changed for mebecause I finally made that
choice and, uh, everyone wasdone with me.
Uh, my sisters, my sister's, mydaughter's dad.
I wasn't allowed to see mydaughter anymore, like it was
(52:07):
like everything that.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
I loved was gone.
Everything, wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 1 (52:10):
So it was either.
I had the choice.
Speaker 2 (52:17):
Either you can continue doing this and die?
Speaker 1 (52:21):
Yeah Right, I mean that's the only outcome or jail,
prison, or you can take this.
You have a degree.
I remember specifically like Ihad a whole conversation in my
head about like jordan, yougraduated, call, like there's
such a big purpose here, likeyou can do something with this
and help change other people'slives, and I stuck with that and
(52:45):
it was hard because I was suchin a low-lack mindset that I
didn't ever think that it wouldbe possible for me to be right
here right now where I am today.
It's taken three and a halflong years to be right here
right now where I am today.
It's taken three and a half longyears to get right here, but
I've came so fucking far fromsleeping on a couch out of my
(53:07):
sister's house to where I amright now and working with, you
know, within the social workfield and using that degree.
Speaker 2 (53:17):
Having your daughter back?
Speaker 1 (53:19):
Yes, and literally fighting to the core to get her
back.
But every move that Hudson'sdad made I needed it was like he
held up a mirror to me and waslike, if this is how you're
(53:39):
going to act, this is whatyou're going to get.
You're not going to see yourkid and she's the one thing I
don't play about.
I will literally do anythingfor her.
I will walk through hell itself, which I did to get to her and
crawled out of the pits of helland broke chains off of me and
(53:59):
generational curses and, um yeah, I felt my way back to her.
He tried to take full custodyand which I completely
understand.
I get that.
I mean.
I would do the same thing.
Um, but I needed that.
I needed something to wake myass up.
It wasn't even like theoverdose, really itself that
(54:22):
woke me up.
It was the thought of Hudsonnot being able to see her, not
having her.
That's what hurt the most.
It wasn't my accident, itwasn't any of that.
Speaker 2 (54:36):
You're about to lose your prize.
Speaker 1 (54:38):
My baby.
Speaker 2 (54:40):
The one good thing you had going.
Speaker 1 (54:41):
Yeah, and that's what my my focus wasn't on her that
whole time, from from theaccident to the overdose, my
eyes were, my mind was so farleft, just completely not where
it should have have, where itshould have been at all, which
(55:01):
was on her, and that's sad toeven say out loud, but like
that's the god's honest truththat's crazy yeah, so uh so what
?
Speaker 2 (55:18):
so did you?
Did you um, put yourself backin rehab or how?
After your overdose?
How?
What did you do to?
Speaker 1 (55:29):
god really he touched my heart at a spiritual
awakening.
Oh, it's such a beautiful thing.
Oh, he's mighty.
I love it so much.
No, I didn't go back to rehab.
Myself was my rehab.
I learned myself inside and out.
(55:51):
I hit my knees on the ground.
I was living with my sistersleeping on her couch.
I had nothing, barely even anyclothes, no shoes.
And that's when I finally, forthe first time in my life,
really felt the Holy Spirit talkto me and that's when I said I
(56:14):
had those conversations ofthere's something you can do
with this.
That was the Holy Spirittalking to me.
You have such a bigger purposein this life and I used to just
think so low of myself and I hadrestrictions in my head of
(56:36):
you'll always just be this girl,that's.
That was in the accident and.
But I used to like thrive offthat in a way I don't know how
to explain that it was like a.
It kept me in that box where Iwanted to be, but I don't think
that way anymore.
Speaker 2 (56:51):
It was like your identity yes, and.
Speaker 1 (56:56):
But I had this spiritual awakening and, um, I
don't know you could call itsome type of activation, but,
like ever since then, I havewanted to get to my highest,
most best self.
Um, I don't know how to explainthat.
(57:17):
It's something much bigger thanwe are.
Speaker 2 (57:20):
Right.
Speaker 1 (57:24):
Reminding me that I still have the power in me to
get back up on my feet Like wakeup, let's get it together.
Let's get a house for your kid,let's get a vehicle.
Speaker 2 (57:37):
Life's not over yet.
Speaker 1 (57:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (57:39):
It just began.
Speaker 1 (57:40):
Right and yeah, you lost a lot of things, you went
through a lot of bad things, butlike it doesn't have to be that
way, Like focus on the good,let's make some positive here
and that's what that's.
What was the hardest thing todo was change my mindset,
because I was always, like Isaid, angry, negative, mean, and
(58:05):
I had the way I think about.
It is like I had to rewire mybrain and into thinking positive
, waking up positive mindset.
Um, routine for myself, pushingmyself to have a routine, even
though it was like uncomfortableat first, but like then it
(58:26):
becomes natural.
Um, I don't, I don't really,just I don't know how to explain
it.
Speaker 2 (58:36):
I don't know how to explain it.
Well, it's larger thanourselves.
There is no one word you canreally put on it.
Speaker 1 (58:44):
And I just knew that I was meant for more.
But I never thought that waybefore until I had that
spiritual awakening.
And I know that's exactly whatit was, because it's
unexplainable.
And that's exactly what it was,because it's unexplainable and
that's the other than a drug.
That's the most intense feelingthat I've ever felt in my life.
When that feeling came over me,when I hit my knees for that
(59:08):
first time, and that rush oflove and assurance and like it's
okay, I'm right here, like Iknow you feel alone right now,
you have nobody right now.
I'm right here Like I know youfeel alone right now, you have
nobody right now, but I'm righthere, like I was alone.
But I didn't feel alone and Godtold me these things, like no,
(59:29):
you're not gonna lose custody ofyour daughter.
And he like told mespecifically what moves to make.
And I listened and I obeyed andI made those moves and I even
specifically remember telling mydaughter's
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