August 21, 2023 • 36 mins
Hey Mama, ever been steeped in shame and guilt over your child's picky eating habits? Take heart; you're not alone on this journey. I'm Crystal, your intuitive eating dietitian and mom of five, here to help unshackle you from the burden of those misconceptions. My experience with my own picky eaters has given me insights I'm eager to share. Let's start debunking those myths together, shall we? You're not spoiling your child by allowing them to enjoy their safe foods. Instead, you're creating a stress-free mealtime environment that helps your child bridge the gap between accepted foods and new ones.
Now, let's talk health. It's a common belief that selective eaters are unhealthy - a myth that needs challenging. Health is nuanced and contextual, especially when it comes to our children. It's time to debunk the overestimated expectations we have about our kids' eating habits. A picky eater's nutrition may not be as dire as you might think. Our foods are fortified, and your child is probably getting the nutrients they need, even if their plate isn't a rainbow of different foods.
To round off our myth-busting mission, we'll be addressing the impact of diet culture on our perceptions. Who said a child's reluctance to try different foods equates to parental failure? Not so, Mama. Our goal isn't to eradicate their picky eating tendencies, but rather to teach our children to become the best experts of their own bodies. Let's encourage them to trust and accept their unique eating experiences. It's time to lift the shame, embrace acceptance, and start raising intuitive eaters. Tune in, let's free ourselves and our kids from the guilt and expectations.
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand we are in the middle of a
(00:45):
new series all about pickyeating, and we started last week
.
If you didn't get a chance togo and listen, I hope you can
start there.
We are starting out by reallyjust debunking a lot of the
myths that are out there aboutpicky eating, and this is a huge
passion of mine.
I have a couple of picky eatersmyself and understand a lot of
the shame that we caninternalize as parents when we
(01:06):
have selective eaters, and I'mhoping that this conversation
can start to help shifting thatnarrative and just alleviate you
from any of the guilt or shamethat you might be carrying if
your child is a selective eatertoo.
So we started last week byagain challenging a lot of these
common myths that are out thereabout picky eating.
I was hoping that I couldtackle all of them that I had on
(01:30):
my list last week, but sadly Irealized I had way more to say
about them than I thought Iwould.
So we're splitting it up andtoday I'm finishing off this
conversation by doing part twoof many of the common myths that
circulate picky eating orfeeding a picky eater, or having
a picky eater and then we willmove to some other topics
surrounding picky eating in theupcoming week.
(01:51):
So thank you again for tuningin and being here.
I so appreciate you being partof this community and just for
all your feedback, and I'm justreally grateful to be able to
share this conversation with you.
So thank you, and I want tostart.
I have four more myths to diveinto today.
I'll run through the first twokind of quickly and then
probably spend a majority of thetime on this episode on the
(02:13):
last two, because I think theseare very common misconceptions
around feeding and raising apicky eater.
And again, I'm all aboutchallenging this narrative to
free you from the guilt or shamethat you may be having or
experiencing when it comes tofeeding your own child, because
it's really hard to build anurturing and trusting feeding
relationship with our kids whenwe are bogged down with a sense
(02:37):
of guilt or shame around how ourchild eats and so often, as
parents, how our child eats canfeel like a direct reflection of
us as parents.
It's really easy again tointernalize so much shame when
it comes to how our kids eat,especially if our kids are
eating in a manner that doesn'talign with these arbitrary
standards that diet culture hasportrayed makes up a healthy
(03:00):
child or a healthy eater, and sowe're all about challenging
those norms and lifting theshame here on the podcast.
So let's dive into the rest ofthese myths, for today, A common
myth surrounding picky eatersor feeding picky eaters is this
idea that you are spoiling themor spoiling a child or ruining
their palate if you're allowingthem to eat their safe or
(03:22):
accepted foods.
And this is really a tough one,because, as a parent of a picky
eater, you know or may have agood idea what foods feel safe
for your child and you mightreally make a cognizant effort
to ensure that those are part ofyour meals and snacks so that
your child does have somethingreliable to eat.
And in many ways or from theoutside looking in this can be
(03:45):
often skewed as spoiling.
A picky eater or this issomething that I've heard many
times myself as a parent ofpicky eaters is you are just
making them more picky.
If you allow them to eat thethings that they want and the
things that they feel safe with,you're never going to help them
learn how to eat other foods,and that can just make you feel
(04:05):
so guilty.
As a parent, I know for me,when I would bring different
snacks or foods to a birthday orparty or a holiday gathering
that I knew that my child couldreliably eat.
I would always get shade thrownat me, and of course, it's
coming from well-meaning peopleand family members.
But when you're trying to do thebest that you can to feed your
child and to ensure that theyhave something to feel safe,
(04:28):
this can really make itdifficult and challenging to do
so, and it's important tounderstand that we're not
creating picky eaters byoffering them foods that they
feel safe with or actually enjoyeating.
And again, this is really atoxic myth that creates this
unnecessary shame for parentswho are just trying to do their
best to raise and feed theirchildren.
(04:49):
And the reality is, when we canregularly offer and incorporate
our child's safe foods oraccepted meals within the things
that we're regularly eating,you're really being intentional
about making mealtimes feel safefor your child, and this is a
really important element inorder to support our kids in
building positive associationswith food and with mealtimes.
(05:12):
For many picky eaters, they canstart to internalize stress and
anxiety around eating becauseof different stressors that may
be coming up for them.
Or maybe there's not anaccepted food that they feel
comfortable eating, or maybethey're feeling a lot of
pressure or outside stress totry to eat certain foods that
they may not be comfortable withor ready for, and all of these
(05:34):
different scenarios canessentially make the mealtime
feel unsafe for them, and so wewant to think about how can we
bridge that gap where we caninclude foods that our child
does feel safe with and thingsthat are accepted foods to them
alongside other foods thatthey're still learning how to
eat, and again withoutpressuring them to eat those
(05:55):
foods that they may not be readyfor.
So often we get this idea.
I talked a little bit about thison last week's episode, but we
are constantly told these ideasthat if you just keep exposing
your child, they will eventuallyeat these foods, whatever it is
vegetables, fruits, differentthings that they may not
willingly eat but if you keepexposing them, they will eat
(06:16):
them.
And what I have learned?
My 11 year old is one of myselective eaters, and also my
son, who's seven, and I havelearned that it's really
important to offer and exposewithout this hidden agenda or
attached outcome that we aremarried to in our head.
So often we're offeringdifferent foods with the hopes
(06:38):
that our kids will eventuallyeat these things.
And our kids are so smart theycan really attune to our
emotional state, to our hiddenagendas, and they can really
pick up when we have hiddenmotives in our approach to
feeding, which is why I reallythink it's important to learn
this practice of accepting ourkids and the varied temperaments
(06:59):
that they bring into thefeeding relationship that we
have with them.
Many of our kids, no matter howmany times we expose them to
different foods, may neverdecide to willingly eat them.
And that's okay, and I talkedabout this a little bit last
week.
But when I arrived to thatplace of acceptance with my own
daughter, it really changedeverything.
It allowed me to make mealsthat included safe and accepted
(07:23):
foods for her that also didn'thave this pressure, this hidden
pressure, for her to try orinteract with the other foods
that were also part of that meal.
I will talk more about this inupcoming episodes.
But all this to say that if youare including your child's
accepted foods as part of yourmeals and snacks, that doesn't
(07:43):
make you a bad parent.
That doesn't mean that you'respoiling your child.
It doesn't mean that you'reruining your child and just
reinforcing any pickiness thatmay be there.
On the contrary, it shows thatyou're being intentional about
allowing your child to havefoods that help them feel safe,
and that is a good thing.
My friend, and I know it canalso be hard because of what
(08:03):
society tells us, because ofwhat diet culture creates in
terms of these ideas of raisinghealthy kids.
And at the same time, you knowyour child best and it's
important that our kids come toeating experiences feeling safe.
But we can do that for ourchildren, who are selective
eaters, by ensuring that thereare foods accepted foods that
(08:26):
they feel comfortable with,alongside other foods that they
may still be learning how to eat.
Another myth here, when it comesto feeding children who are
more selective or picky eaters,is this idea that if you let a
child go hungry, that this willmake them more willing or apt to
eat or try different foods,simply because they're in a
(08:46):
hunger state.
And I can't tell you how manytimes I've been told this
harmful advice and that'sexactly what it is.
I'm, you know, saying the quietpart out loud here is that this
advice is truly harmful becauseit's only creating added stress
for parents and kids alike, andallowing our child to go
prolongedly in a hunger state inorder to try to get them to eat
(09:10):
at a later time or try to getthem to eat Things that we want
them to eat, is verymanipulative, and I know for
myself when I first heard this,as a parent with a picky eater
who's navigating selectiveeating and dealing with a
handful of foods that my childwould willingly eat, I remember
that level, that degree ofdesperation, like I just want my
(09:31):
child to eat something otherthan goldfish or Ritz crackers
or all these beige foods thatshe's constantly going for.
I understand that pressure and,at the same time, when we try
to integrate these harmfultactics that actually put our
child into more of a stressstate.
It can really shut down theirsystem and make selective eating
(09:52):
even worse or even moreproblematic.
I also know with families thatI've worked with who have tried
this in desperation, that kidsoften will refuse to eat even
though they are hungry, andknowingly hungry.
This often stems from being ina stressed state.
When the nervous system isactivated, appetite shuts down,
(10:13):
even though your child may havegone several hours without
eating, and so we really want tomove away from manipulative
tactics that can only reallyintensify negative feelings
around food and eating.
If we are engaging in any ofthese strategies that can cause
a child to feel unsafe withmealtimes, this can again only
increase picky eating or makeyour child more resistant to
(10:37):
eating or trying new foods.
And I know it's stressful forparents as well when you see
your child hungry or when you'renot giving your child, let's
say, foods that they want inhopes that they'll eat something
that you're offering them later.
That's stress on you too.
That makes it so hard to buildthis trusting feeding
relationship that we want to benurturing with our kids.
(10:58):
Our kids won't learn that theycan trust us to feed them if
they're in situations where theydon't feel safe, and so it's
really important to step back tosee the big picture of what's
happening and to bring it backto the key foundations, which is
trust.
We want our children to feelsafe.
We want them to know that wecan be trusted to feed them and
(11:19):
also support them where they'reat.
We want to meet our kids wherethey are at, and the reality is
that kids are all learning aboutfood in different timelines and
different ways, and eating is askill that all of our children
are developing and, just likeany other skill, every child is
going to develop at their ownpace, at their own rate, with
(11:40):
the resources that they have.
So we just want to be reallycareful about the expectations
that we're putting on our kidsand, of course, be careful not
to engage in any type of feedingpractice that can be harmful in
effort to try to get them toexpand their palate, because,
again, this practice is moreoften than not going to backfire
and create more harm than good.
(12:01):
Okay, so a third myth here thatI hear a lot and see circulating
a lot when it comes to having apicky eater is that picky
eaters are unhealthy becausethey're not eating a variety of
different foods.
This is a really tough one andthere's so much to unpack here,
but the bottom line is that someindividuals, including adults,
(12:22):
including children, may never beable to eat in a manner that
diet culture promotes as what ishealthy, and that is okay.
We have to remember that healthis highly contextual and very
nuanced and very dependent onthe individual.
Health means different thingsfor different people, and when
(12:44):
we try to draw this picture ofhealth based on how somebody
eats and try to conjure up thispicture of health based on
eating a variety of foods, thisis harmful.
It's a harmful narrative thatis being perpetuated by diet
culture and we really want tomove away from this and
projecting this idea of healthon our own children, because the
(13:05):
reality is, if you have a childwho is a picky eater or more
selective with food, there arelikely many different factors
again that are influencing whythey're eating or the manner in
which they're eating, and a lotof this has to do with their
development, with their sensoryprofile, with their temperament,
and these are things that we'vetalked about.
However, when we try to get ourkids to conform into this box
(13:28):
that they never are meant tofill.
This can make it reallychallenging for them to learn
how to listen to you and trusttheir own bodies, and this is
why I think it's reallyimportant again to examine what
is our standard of health?
Where is this coming from?
What is drawing on anyexperiences that you're having
in terms of a standard of healththat you might be holding your
(13:50):
own child against?
And, in reality, when we'relooking at food in terms of
being able to meet our variednutrient needs, the reality is
that children are generally ableto get the nutrients they need
from the foods that they areprovided, and I want to just
remind that many of the thingsI'm talking through here are
(14:12):
generalized ideas and, of course, there's going to be nuanced
situations here.
There are going to besituations where you're dealing
with, let's say, extreme pickyeating and maybe your child's
only eating a handful of foodsand this is starting to
influence their health andwell-being and ability to
function, and I don't want toundermine those situations.
I will say that for a largemajority of children who are
(14:35):
dealing with picky eating, theyare generally able to get in the
nutrients that their body needs.
We tend to overestimate how muchour kids need to eat, the
quantities of foods that theyneed to eat and the variety of
foods that they need to eat inorder to meet their nutrient
needs.
And this is part of the problemis that our idea of what our
kids need to actually maintaintheir nutrients for growth and
(14:59):
development is often much lowerthan what we think it is, and
this can put undue pressure.
This can cause us to pressureour kids to maybe eat certain
things or certain quantitiesthat, again, they're not ready
for, and any form of pressure,whether subtly or more direct,
is going to make it harder forour kids to get in what they
need in a natural way.
(15:20):
So we want to just keep theseideas in mind, and nutrition is
really an emergency, especiallyhere in our developed countries,
because so many of our foodsare fortified, and I share this
concept because I remember withmy daughter who is now 11, as a
baby, cheerios was one of thefew foods that she would eat,
(15:42):
and I remember, when I learnedthat Cheerios are actually
fortified and offer a variety ofthe different micronutrients
that children need, thatprovided so much relief to me,
and I remember being concernedand worried about her
nutritional status for a longtime, because I would look at
the things that she would eatand think to myself like there's
(16:03):
no way that she's getting allthe different micronutrients and
vitamins and minerals that ourkids need to grow.
And when I learned this basicinformation that many of the
foods that our kids are drawn toeating have overlapping
nutrients and there's not justone food that provides all of
the things that our kids need Inreality, our children are
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getting the things that theyneed over the course of time,
and just learning some of thesethings really helped alleviate
the pressure that I was puttingon myself and free me from the
burden of that worry that hernutrition status is horrible.
Something bad is going to happento her.
She's not going to grow ordevelop properly, and these were
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, of course, things that werehappening when she was in her
toddler age, and it's just beenincredible to see how she's
grown and developed and how herrelationship with food has
blossomed.
And now, as an 11 year old, shereally is sure of herself and
the things that she likes anddoesn't like.
But I've seen her grow so muchand never once in her life has
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she been at a disadvantagebecause of her being a more
selective eater, and it reallyjust took me being able to work
through some of those fears thatI had and that I was harboring
in order to create anenvironment that felt safer for
her.
But that's just one thing thatI want you to remember too, if
you're navigating this with yourown child.
Let those concerns are real,and I want you to know that it's
(17:30):
valid.
As a parent, we are responsiblefor our kids.
We want to ensure that they'regrowing into their healthiest
selves.
We want to make sure thatthey're getting all the things
that they need to be healthy.
And just remembering that thatword healthy is very layered and
there's so many differentfacets that go into having a
healthy child.
(17:50):
And when it comes to the foodpiece, we want to remember that
there's no one perfect way ofeating that will ensure that our
child is healthy.
That's just not possible.
And when we can alleviateourselves from that
responsibility, it makes us feelmore accepting of where our
kids are at and also trusting oftheir ability to get in the
(18:13):
foods that they need to supporttheir nutrient intake.
And, again, just rememberingthat there are many different
foods that your child is likelyeating that are supporting their
nutrient needs overall.
One thing that I've learned justfrom my own journey and working
with so many families, though,is that we tend to discredit the
foods that diet culture alsodemonizes.
So things like process foods,package foods, convenience foods
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, canned foods so many of thesedifferent foods that actually
are nutrient dense and do have avariety of different nutrients
that can be beneficial for ourkids we tend to either limit or
restrict or avoid buying them orhaving them in our home because
of what diet culture has saidabout these foods.
It's created a narrative aroundthese foods which demonizes
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them and makes us feel guilty orlike we're bad parents if we
allow our kids to eat thesethings, when in reality, we can
be preventing our kids fromhaving exposure to other foods
that can increase the variety ofthings that they're eating.
So let me give you anotherexample about this, just to
illustrate this point.
I remember for a long time, oneof my kiddos was a verse to
fresh fruit, and for the life ofme I could not understand why
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Like who doesn't like freshberries or fresh watermelon and
things like that, and I foundmyself feeling very challenged
by this preference that my kiddohad, and one day it dawned on
me that this was part of asensory challenge for this
particular child of mine thatshe was also adverse to how
certain things fell on her bodyand just more sensory sensitive
(19:44):
to different things in hersurroundings and her environment
.
And when I thought about justthe properties of fruit and how
fruit can often be unpredictablein its taste, in its texture,
like if you think about a pintof blueberries, for example,
that pint of blueberries isgoing to taste different
depending on the time of yearthat you buy it or where you
(20:05):
bought it from, or even the pintof blueberries itself.
I know you can pick one out andit tastes really sweet and
tender, and you can pick anotherone out that might be super
squishy or moldy.
And for a lot of kids that havesensory sensitivities, that
unpredictability with fruit canbe terrifying.
It can be something thatthey're adverse to or try to
avoid.
And when I started to put thosepieces together, it really
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helped me understand that maybeit wasn't the fruit itself but
just the way it was prepared.
And so I started trying toincorporate different kinds of
fruit that are still fruit butprepared in different ways that
had more predictable texture andflavor, and sure enough, she
loved them.
So we started incorporatingdried fruit, frozen fruits and
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canned fruit, things that Iwouldn't normally keep in the
house, not for any particularreason, but we just didn't
prefer to buy those thingsversus other foods or other
fruit.
But when I realized that therewas this texture issue or taste
issue going on with my kiddo andthat she was more sensitive to
that because of her uniquesensory profile and how that was
(21:09):
showing up, it really helpedopen my eyes to how I could
better support her and justinclude things that naturally
allowed her to expand hervariety.
So we want to just be careful.
Sometimes we're not buyingthings because we just don't
think about having them orincluding them.
We tend to buy foods in ourhome that we naturally prefer as
(21:30):
adults or caregivers andsometimes we don't think about
it from our child's perspectiveand really for a lot of kids
I've seen this with so manypicky eaters, my own included is
that oftentimes they don't havethe vernacular, they don't have
the language to explain orcommunicate some of their
struggles around the foods thatthey're eating.
Their only way of communicatingthat something doesn't feel
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safe or something doesn't feelright or isn't sitting well with
them is by refusing it, likefood refusal, or rejecting it
altogether, or saying thingslike yuck, or I don't like this,
or this doesn't taste good, andwe can internalize that food
refusal as rejection, and it cantrigger us and bring up a lot
of things for us as parents, andI'm going to be talking more
about this in the upcoming weeks.
(22:14):
But I wonder if we could stepback and try to understand why
is this food challenging?
Or what's coming up for mykiddo?
What are they trying to expresshere that I am not picking up
on?
That can help us get morecurious about why they are
rejecting those foods.
Is there a pattern around thisand can we potentially
incorporate other things thatcan help them naturally expand
(22:36):
variety in a way that feels safeto them?
But the bottom line here that Ihope you can take away from
this is that just because yourchild has a limited variety
compared to another child doesnot automatically mean that
they're unhealthy, that they'redoomed, that they're going to be
in a health crisis growing up.
That's not what it means at all, and there's, of course, a lot
(22:56):
of nuance here.
But I just want you to considerthat you can trust your child
and you can trust them to eatwhat they need from the foods
that you're providing them andoftentimes our children.
Their nutrition status is muchbetter than we anticipate and
they are able to get the thingsthat they need over time, so I
hope this can help justalleviate any pressure or stress
(23:17):
that you might be feeling,although we will be talking
about this in episodes to come.
Okay, so the last myth I wantedto tackle here is a big one in
itself and maybe I'll do just abroad overview on it, and if
this is a topic that youresonate with or you would like
to hear more information about,please connect with me and let
me know.
I can definitely do a deeperdive into this if this is
(23:37):
something that you're interestedin.
But this is the idea that ourpicky eaters can't be trusted to
eat intuitively.
This is an interesting topicwith many different layers, and
it kind of stems from this ideathat intuitive eating should
look a certain way, and thisidea or this misconception about
what intuitive eating lookslike or should look like in kids
(24:00):
can really prevent us fromaccepting or trusting our child
to eat what they need and whatworks best for their individual
bodies.
So oftentimes when I hear thisidea of raising intuitive eater
being promoted on social mediaor different media channels,
it's often conjuring up thispicture of your child will enjoy
(24:22):
a variety of different foods.
They will like vegetables, theywill eat in a balanced way, and
what I think is reallyimportant for us to understand
is that a child eatingintuitively does not equal a
child eating in a quote balancedway.
And when I'm talking aboutbalance, I'm talking about this
idea that when we feed a childand we're including different
(24:45):
components, we're including somecarbohydrates, we're including
some protein and food andvegetables and dairy that our
kids will naturally want to eata variety of those different
things that we include in anygiven meal or snack.
This is often an idea that manyparents are striving for, even
a subconscious way, when itcomes to raising an intuitive
(25:08):
eater this idea of I want mychild to eat in a balanced way.
Many of us are attached to thisoutcome without really knowing
why or what it means to us, butoften what's connected to it is
what we were previously talkingabout, and that is this idea
that if my child eats in abalanced way, or eats a variety
of foods in every differenteating opportunity, this will
(25:31):
ensure that they grow into theirhealthiest selves.
In reality, if I could draw anillustration of what intuitive
eating looks like for kids.
It often looks nothing like theidea of balanced eating that we
have in our head.
Sometimes it looks like yourchild is mostly just eating
bread all day long, or maybemostly leaning towards the
(25:53):
sweeter foods, or maybe noteating a vegetable for months on
end and just eating again thewhite, beigey, starchy foods
that you're offering them.
And just because your child iseating in that manner does not
mean they are not eatingintuitively.
We have to remember that ourkids are born with these innate
(26:15):
abilities to self-regulate whatthey need, and those abilities
are guided by their individualbody, by their unique
preferences and their sensoryprofile and their temperament,
and that the only person livingin your child's body is your
child.
And so we really have to let goof the expectations that we
(26:37):
have when it comes to how wethink our kids need to be eating
or how they should be eating,because this doesn't allow our
children to learn and developthis experience for themselves.
We have to remember thatraising an intuitive eater has
more to do with how we'refeeding our child and the
trusting feeding relationshipthat's developing with them and
(27:01):
us, versus the what of whatwe're actually feeding them or
what your child might be eatingfrom the foods that you provide.
And again, diet culture plays ahuge role in shaping our ideas
of how we should be feeding ourchildren and what our children
should be eating, and this canoften infiltrate our ideas of
what it means to raise anintuitive eater, even on a
subconscious level.
(27:22):
We've talked about this alittle bit last week too, but
diet culture has framed pickyeating as a problem that needs
to be fixed, which squares offparents as failures if their
kids don't willingly eatvegetables or aren't open to
trying a wide array of rainbowcolored foods.
And it creates this commonmisunderstanding with children
who are more selective abouteating, that somehow the way
(27:44):
they eat is wrong and they can'tpossibly be intuitive if they
prefer chicken nuggets orCheetos, or that the quantity of
food that they're eating can'tsomehow be right for them.
And again, as a parent of apicky eater, I understand this
narrative.
There's been many times whereI've watched what my kids choose
to eat from the foods that I'veprovided and have questioned,
(28:07):
even quietly, their abilities toeat what they need to support
their overall health and growth,and that can be hard to sit
with as a parent and again it'slike you're watching your child
just eat the bread and thedessert from the meal that
you've provided and not wantanything else.
Or there's been many timeswhere my kids have had a cookie
or a bite of a roll and said I'mdone, my tummy's full, I don't
(28:28):
want to eat anymore.
And you really can battle withthis question in your mind like,
is my child really eating?
Intuitively Because thisdoesn't seem right or this
doesn't look right.
But here's what I've learnedthat any of my discomforts that
are coming up around how mychildren eat are not a
reflection of them, but of me.
And anytime the way my ownchild eats brings up discomfort
(28:50):
in me, it's typically because ofsomething in me that needs to
be looked at more closely, notsomething that's inherently
wrong with my child or how mychild eats.
And this is where I think, asparents, we all need to look
about adjusting our responses tohow our children eat, versus
trying to quote, unquote, fixhow our children are eating.
And just because you have achild who's a picky eater and
(29:13):
they might not be eating inalignment with, maybe, your
expectations of how you thinkthey should be eating, doesn't
mean that they're broken orincapable of listening to their
bodies.
At the end of the day, if weare trying to get our children
to eat in alignment with our ownexpectations because it makes
us feel better, that is notgoing to help them preserve
their own intuitive eatingabilities.
(29:34):
And raising an intuitive eateris about helping your child
learn to become the best expertof their own bodies, and the
only people living in yourchild's body are your children.
And if we're trying to steertheir eating choices from our
own fears or hidden agendas,this isn't going to allow them
to learn how to listen to andtrust their bodies, which is the
(29:56):
foundation of what it means toraise an intuitive eater.
And I really think with thisconversation comes challenging
the narrative of what it meansto raise an intuitive eater.
Raising an intuitive eater isnot about having a child who
willingly eats vegetables, orgetting your child to eat
whatever you put in front ofthem, or having a child comply
with what you want them to eatwhen you want them to eat.
(30:18):
That's not what it means.
And in order to support ourchildren in becoming the best
expert of their own bodies, it'simportant to first lay down any
expectations or hidden agendasthat you may have in order to
give your kids the space andfreedom they need to grow into
the person they're meant to be,not who we want them to be and I
(30:38):
know this can be a really,really hard pill to swallow, and
truly, for a long time, I hadto make peace with the fact that
my picky eaters weren't goingto eat certain foods like
vegetables, and that they'dmostly survive on beige
carbohydrate based foods.
And, especially as a dietitian,I took a lot of shade from
people who questioned how I fedmy kids and the way my kids ate
(31:00):
and still do I still do to thisday which makes it even harder
to be okay with where our kidsare at, especially when it comes
to eating.
I think part of this, too, isalso just our temperaments as
parents.
Like if you are more of anadventurous eater yourself, or
if you're someone who enjoysfood or enjoys cooking or
considers yourself a foodie, andyou have a child who's the
(31:21):
opposite of that or who's moreselective or who doesn't really
enjoy different kinds of foods,that can be a challenge too.
So there's a lot here that canbe bringing up a lot around the
way our child eats, and in someways, we have to grieve what we
hoped our child would be when itcomes to eating, because our
eating interactions with ourkids are a form of connection,
(31:44):
and when we feel like we can'tconnect with our child in
certain ways, that can bepainful.
Again, it can be something thatwe have to grieve, and do so in
order to let go of anyunrealistic expectations that
may be there.
But, all in all, it'sremembering that the goal of
raising an intuitive eater isnot about getting a picky eater
to eat more foods that you wantthem to eat, or to try to make
(32:05):
their picky eating tendencies goaway.
At the end of the day, there'sno wrong way to learn how to eat
, and there's definitely not awrong way to learn how to be an
intuitive eater and the bestexpert of your own body.
And just because you have achild who might be more
selective with food doesn't meanthey're unable to listen to
(32:25):
their own bodies.
So that's something I wanted toshare, because I know there's a
lot wrapped up in there.
And, again, when it comes toraising an intuitive eater, it's
less about the food and moreabout the trust and acceptance
that we are learning to extendto our children so that they can
, in turn, internalize thosethings for themselves.
It's very hard for a child tolearn to trust their body if
(32:45):
they're picking up messages fromtheir caregivers that they
can't be trusted to eat, or thatthey're being micromanaged, or
that how they're eating or thattheir preferences are wrong.
Those are very hard things forthem to do, and trust is an
essential piece of them beingable to listen to their bodies
and self-regulate, even if itlooks much different from how we
(33:06):
would expect them to eat.
So there's definitely a lothere, and I just want to quickly
touch on one thing that I thinkis important to address, and
that is that oftentimes, ifthere has been trauma around our
child with their bodies or food, or trauma during pregnancy or
postpartum, this can also makeit challenging for us to learn
(33:26):
how to trust our child.
So, just as an example, mydaughter one of my daughters,
who is a more selective eatershe was born as a late preterm.
So I was 30, just 36 weeks, orjust shy of 36 weeks pregnant
when she was born, and she had alot of feeding difficulties.
Breastfeeding was extremelychallenging and traumatic in
(33:47):
many ways, and that's a storyfor another podcast episode, but
I remember I needed to take herin for frequent weight checks
because they were concerned shewasn't taking in enough breast
milk, and there was so manydifferent apparatuses that I was
using and pumping and takingher in to make sure that she was
getting enough, and I rememberthe pediatrician telling me
(34:08):
she's not getting enough weight.
We want to see her weight at ahigher place.
She's not taking in what sheneeds, and I remember just
feeling and internalizing thismessage that I couldn't trust my
baby to take in what she neededfor her body, and those
messages can stay with us foryears as parents, where there's
(34:29):
early things that may havehappened in your child's story
or in their early childhood thatmay influence the way you feel
about them eating now.
And I see this a lot with pickyeating, where there may have
been some medical trauma orthings that happened around your
child, around their growth,around their development or
their intake or their weight,especially as a baby, which may
play a role in how you feelabout them eating now, and so I
(34:53):
think it's really important tojust examine is that a part of
your food story and, if so, arethere ways that you can work
through that in order to bepresent with where they are
today.
So often we can carry thatnarrative that their bodies
can't be trusted because ofthings that happened in the past
and put that burden on them nowin effort to keep them safe.
But in reality, we're oftenliving in a different situation,
(35:15):
and so I just wanted to sharethat because, again, picky
eating is so nuanced.
There's so much that isconnected to this topic for
ourselves, for our kids, andagain I just want to hold space
for you if you're navigatingthis with your own child or in
your own family, and I just wantyou to know that you're not
alone.
I hope this episode was helpfulin just talking through some of
(35:36):
these common myths that may comeup when it comes to raising a
picky eater, and if you havequestions or topic suggestions
about picky eating that you'dlike me to address, I'd love to
hear from you.
As always, you can connect withme via email.
Hello at CrystalCargiscom, andthank you so much for your time
in tuning in.
I cannot wait to see you nextweek.
(35:56):
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand we are in the middle of a
(00:45):
new series all about pickyeating, and we started last week
.
If you didn't get a chance togo and listen, I hope you can
start there.
We are starting out by reallyjust debunking a lot of the
myths that are out there aboutpicky eating, and this is a huge
passion of mine.
I have a couple of picky eatersmyself and understand a lot of
the shame that we caninternalize as parents when we
(01:06):
have selective eaters, and I'mhoping that this conversation
can start to help shifting thatnarrative and just alleviate you
from any of the guilt or shamethat you might be carrying if
your child is a selective eatertoo.
So we started last week byagain challenging a lot of these
common myths that are out thereabout picky eating.
I was hoping that I couldtackle all of them that I had on
(01:30):
my list last week, but sadly Irealized I had way more to say
about them than I thought Iwould.
So we're splitting it up andtoday I'm finishing off this
conversation by doing part twoof many of the common myths that
circulate picky eating orfeeding a picky eater, or having
a picky eater and then we willmove to some other topics
surrounding picky eating in theupcoming week.
(01:51):
So thank you again for tuningin and being here.
I so appreciate you being partof this community and just for
all your feedback, and I'm justreally grateful to be able to
share this conversation with you.
So thank you, and I want tostart.
I have four more myths to diveinto today.
I'll run through the first twokind of quickly and then
probably spend a majority of thetime on this episode on the
(02:13):
last two, because I think theseare very common misconceptions
around feeding and raising apicky eater.
And again, I'm all aboutchallenging this narrative to
free you from the guilt or shamethat you may be having or
experiencing when it comes tofeeding your own child, because
it's really hard to build anurturing and trusting feeding
relationship with our kids whenwe are bogged down with a sense
(02:37):
of guilt or shame around how ourchild eats and so often, as
parents, how our child eats canfeel like a direct reflection of
us as parents.
It's really easy again tointernalize so much shame when
it comes to how our kids eat,especially if our kids are
eating in a manner that doesn'talign with these arbitrary
standards that diet culture hasportrayed makes up a healthy
(03:00):
child or a healthy eater, and sowe're all about challenging
those norms and lifting theshame here on the podcast.
So let's dive into the rest ofthese myths, for today, A common
myth surrounding picky eatersor feeding picky eaters is this
idea that you are spoiling themor spoiling a child or ruining
their palate if you're allowingthem to eat their safe or
(03:22):
accepted foods.
And this is really a tough one,because, as a parent of a picky
eater, you know or may have agood idea what foods feel safe
for your child and you mightreally make a cognizant effort
to ensure that those are part ofyour meals and snacks so that
your child does have somethingreliable to eat.
And in many ways or from theoutside looking in this can be
(03:45):
often skewed as spoiling.
A picky eater or this issomething that I've heard many
times myself as a parent ofpicky eaters is you are just
making them more picky.
If you allow them to eat thethings that they want and the
things that they feel safe with,you're never going to help them
learn how to eat other foods,and that can just make you feel
(04:05):
so guilty.
As a parent, I know for me,when I would bring different
snacks or foods to a birthday orparty or a holiday gathering
that I knew that my child couldreliably eat.
I would always get shade thrownat me, and of course, it's
coming from well-meaning peopleand family members.
But when you're trying to do thebest that you can to feed your
child and to ensure that theyhave something to feel safe,
(04:28):
this can really make itdifficult and challenging to do
so, and it's important tounderstand that we're not
creating picky eaters byoffering them foods that they
feel safe with or actually enjoyeating.
And again, this is really atoxic myth that creates this
unnecessary shame for parentswho are just trying to do their
best to raise and feed theirchildren.
(04:49):
And the reality is, when we canregularly offer and incorporate
our child's safe foods oraccepted meals within the things
that we're regularly eating,you're really being intentional
about making mealtimes feel safefor your child, and this is a
really important element inorder to support our kids in
building positive associationswith food and with mealtimes.
(05:12):
For many picky eaters, they canstart to internalize stress and
anxiety around eating becauseof different stressors that may
be coming up for them.
Or maybe there's not anaccepted food that they feel
comfortable eating, or maybethey're feeling a lot of
pressure or outside stress totry to eat certain foods that
they may not be comfortable withor ready for, and all of these
(05:34):
different scenarios canessentially make the mealtime
feel unsafe for them, and so wewant to think about how can we
bridge that gap where we caninclude foods that our child
does feel safe with and thingsthat are accepted foods to them
alongside other foods thatthey're still learning how to
eat, and again withoutpressuring them to eat those
(05:55):
foods that they may not be readyfor.
So often we get this idea.
I talked a little bit about thison last week's episode, but we
are constantly told these ideasthat if you just keep exposing
your child, they will eventuallyeat these foods, whatever it is
vegetables, fruits, differentthings that they may not
willingly eat but if you keepexposing them, they will eat
(06:16):
them.
And what I have learned?
My 11 year old is one of myselective eaters, and also my
son, who's seven, and I havelearned that it's really
important to offer and exposewithout this hidden agenda or
attached outcome that we aremarried to in our head.
So often we're offeringdifferent foods with the hopes
(06:38):
that our kids will eventuallyeat these things.
And our kids are so smart theycan really attune to our
emotional state, to our hiddenagendas, and they can really
pick up when we have hiddenmotives in our approach to
feeding, which is why I reallythink it's important to learn
this practice of accepting ourkids and the varied temperaments
(06:59):
that they bring into thefeeding relationship that we
have with them.
Many of our kids, no matter howmany times we expose them to
different foods, may neverdecide to willingly eat them.
And that's okay, and I talkedabout this a little bit last
week.
But when I arrived to thatplace of acceptance with my own
daughter, it really changedeverything.
It allowed me to make mealsthat included safe and accepted
(07:23):
foods for her that also didn'thave this pressure, this hidden
pressure, for her to try orinteract with the other foods
that were also part of that meal.
I will talk more about this inupcoming episodes.
But all this to say that if youare including your child's
accepted foods as part of yourmeals and snacks, that doesn't
(07:43):
make you a bad parent.
That doesn't mean that you'respoiling your child.
It doesn't mean that you'reruining your child and just
reinforcing any pickiness thatmay be there.
On the contrary, it shows thatyou're being intentional about
allowing your child to havefoods that help them feel safe,
and that is a good thing.
My friend, and I know it canalso be hard because of what
(08:03):
society tells us, because ofwhat diet culture creates in
terms of these ideas of raisinghealthy kids.
And at the same time, you knowyour child best and it's
important that our kids come toeating experiences feeling safe.
But we can do that for ourchildren, who are selective
eaters, by ensuring that thereare foods accepted foods that
(08:26):
they feel comfortable with,alongside other foods that they
may still be learning how to eat.
Another myth here, when it comesto feeding children who are
more selective or picky eaters,is this idea that if you let a
child go hungry, that this willmake them more willing or apt to
eat or try different foods,simply because they're in a
(08:46):
hunger state.
And I can't tell you how manytimes I've been told this
harmful advice and that'sexactly what it is.
I'm, you know, saying the quietpart out loud here is that this
advice is truly harmful becauseit's only creating added stress
for parents and kids alike, andallowing our child to go
prolongedly in a hunger state inorder to try to get them to eat
(09:10):
at a later time or try to getthem to eat Things that we want
them to eat, is verymanipulative, and I know for
myself when I first heard this,as a parent with a picky eater
who's navigating selectiveeating and dealing with a
handful of foods that my childwould willingly eat, I remember
that level, that degree ofdesperation, like I just want my
(09:31):
child to eat something otherthan goldfish or Ritz crackers
or all these beige foods thatshe's constantly going for.
I understand that pressure and,at the same time, when we try
to integrate these harmfultactics that actually put our
child into more of a stressstate.
It can really shut down theirsystem and make selective eating
(09:52):
even worse or even moreproblematic.
I also know with families thatI've worked with who have tried
this in desperation, that kidsoften will refuse to eat even
though they are hungry, andknowingly hungry.
This often stems from being ina stressed state.
When the nervous system isactivated, appetite shuts down,
(10:13):
even though your child may havegone several hours without
eating, and so we really want tomove away from manipulative
tactics that can only reallyintensify negative feelings
around food and eating.
If we are engaging in any ofthese strategies that can cause
a child to feel unsafe withmealtimes, this can again only
increase picky eating or makeyour child more resistant to
(10:37):
eating or trying new foods.
And I know it's stressful forparents as well when you see
your child hungry or when you'renot giving your child, let's
say, foods that they want inhopes that they'll eat something
that you're offering them later.
That's stress on you too.
That makes it so hard to buildthis trusting feeding
relationship that we want to benurturing with our kids.
(10:58):
Our kids won't learn that theycan trust us to feed them if
they're in situations where theydon't feel safe, and so it's
really important to step back tosee the big picture of what's
happening and to bring it backto the key foundations, which is
trust.
We want our children to feelsafe.
We want them to know that wecan be trusted to feed them and
(11:19):
also support them where they'reat.
We want to meet our kids wherethey are at, and the reality is
that kids are all learning aboutfood in different timelines and
different ways, and eating is askill that all of our children
are developing and, just likeany other skill, every child is
going to develop at their ownpace, at their own rate, with
(11:40):
the resources that they have.
So we just want to be reallycareful about the expectations
that we're putting on our kidsand, of course, be careful not
to engage in any type of feedingpractice that can be harmful in
effort to try to get them toexpand their palate, because,
again, this practice is moreoften than not going to backfire
and create more harm than good.
(12:01):
Okay, so a third myth here thatI hear a lot and see circulating
a lot when it comes to having apicky eater is that picky
eaters are unhealthy becausethey're not eating a variety of
different foods.
This is a really tough one andthere's so much to unpack here,
but the bottom line is that someindividuals, including adults,
(12:22):
including children, may never beable to eat in a manner that
diet culture promotes as what ishealthy, and that is okay.
We have to remember that healthis highly contextual and very
nuanced and very dependent onthe individual.
Health means different thingsfor different people, and when
(12:44):
we try to draw this picture ofhealth based on how somebody
eats and try to conjure up thispicture of health based on
eating a variety of foods, thisis harmful.
It's a harmful narrative thatis being perpetuated by diet
culture and we really want tomove away from this and
projecting this idea of healthon our own children, because the
(13:05):
reality is, if you have a childwho is a picky eater or more
selective with food, there arelikely many different factors
again that are influencing whythey're eating or the manner in
which they're eating, and a lotof this has to do with their
development, with their sensoryprofile, with their temperament,
and these are things that we'vetalked about.
However, when we try to get ourkids to conform into this box
(13:28):
that they never are meant tofill.
This can make it reallychallenging for them to learn
how to listen to you and trusttheir own bodies, and this is
why I think it's reallyimportant again to examine what
is our standard of health?
Where is this coming from?
What is drawing on anyexperiences that you're having
in terms of a standard of healththat you might be holding your
(13:50):
own child against?
And, in reality, when we'relooking at food in terms of
being able to meet our variednutrient needs, the reality is
that children are generally ableto get the nutrients they need
from the foods that they areprovided, and I want to just
remind that many of the thingsI'm talking through here are
(14:12):
generalized ideas and, of course, there's going to be nuanced
situations here.
There are going to besituations where you're dealing
with, let's say, extreme pickyeating and maybe your child's
only eating a handful of foodsand this is starting to
influence their health andwell-being and ability to
function, and I don't want toundermine those situations.
I will say that for a largemajority of children who are
(14:35):
dealing with picky eating, theyare generally able to get in the
nutrients that their body needs.
We tend to overestimate how muchour kids need to eat, the
quantities of foods that theyneed to eat and the variety of
foods that they need to eat inorder to meet their nutrient
needs.
And this is part of the problemis that our idea of what our
kids need to actually maintaintheir nutrients for growth and
(14:59):
development is often much lowerthan what we think it is, and
this can put undue pressure.
This can cause us to pressureour kids to maybe eat certain
things or certain quantitiesthat, again, they're not ready
for, and any form of pressure,whether subtly or more direct,
is going to make it harder forour kids to get in what they
need in a natural way.
(15:20):
So we want to just keep theseideas in mind, and nutrition is
really an emergency, especiallyhere in our developed countries,
because so many of our foodsare fortified, and I share this
concept because I remember withmy daughter who is now 11, as a
baby, cheerios was one of thefew foods that she would eat,
(15:42):
and I remember, when I learnedthat Cheerios are actually
fortified and offer a variety ofthe different micronutrients
that children need, thatprovided so much relief to me,
and I remember being concernedand worried about her
nutritional status for a longtime, because I would look at
the things that she would eatand think to myself like there's
(16:03):
no way that she's getting allthe different micronutrients and
vitamins and minerals that ourkids need to grow.
And when I learned this basicinformation that many of the
foods that our kids are drawn toeating have overlapping
nutrients and there's not justone food that provides all of
the things that our kids need Inreality, our children are
(16:25):
getting the things that theyneed over the course of time,
and just learning some of thesethings really helped alleviate
the pressure that I was puttingon myself and free me from the
burden of that worry that hernutrition status is horrible.
Something bad is going to happento her.
She's not going to grow ordevelop properly, and these were
(16:45):
, of course, things that werehappening when she was in her
toddler age, and it's just beenincredible to see how she's
grown and developed and how herrelationship with food has
blossomed.
And now, as an 11 year old, shereally is sure of herself and
the things that she likes anddoesn't like.
But I've seen her grow so muchand never once in her life has
(17:06):
she been at a disadvantagebecause of her being a more
selective eater, and it reallyjust took me being able to work
through some of those fears thatI had and that I was harboring
in order to create anenvironment that felt safer for
her.
But that's just one thing thatI want you to remember too, if
you're navigating this with yourown child.
Let those concerns are real,and I want you to know that it's
(17:30):
valid.
As a parent, we are responsiblefor our kids.
We want to ensure that they'regrowing into their healthiest
selves.
We want to make sure thatthey're getting all the things
that they need to be healthy.
And just remembering that thatword healthy is very layered and
there's so many differentfacets that go into having a
healthy child.
(17:50):
And when it comes to the foodpiece, we want to remember that
there's no one perfect way ofeating that will ensure that our
child is healthy.
That's just not possible.
And when we can alleviateourselves from that
responsibility, it makes us feelmore accepting of where our
kids are at and also trusting oftheir ability to get in the
(18:13):
foods that they need to supporttheir nutrient intake.
And, again, just rememberingthat there are many different
foods that your child is likelyeating that are supporting their
nutrient needs overall.
One thing that I've learned justfrom my own journey and working
with so many families, though,is that we tend to discredit the
foods that diet culture alsodemonizes.
So things like process foods,package foods, convenience foods
(18:37):
, canned foods so many of thesedifferent foods that actually
are nutrient dense and do have avariety of different nutrients
that can be beneficial for ourkids we tend to either limit or
restrict or avoid buying them orhaving them in our home because
of what diet culture has saidabout these foods.
It's created a narrative aroundthese foods which demonizes
(18:57):
them and makes us feel guilty orlike we're bad parents if we
allow our kids to eat thesethings, when in reality, we can
be preventing our kids fromhaving exposure to other foods
that can increase the variety ofthings that they're eating.
So let me give you anotherexample about this, just to
illustrate this point.
I remember for a long time, oneof my kiddos was a verse to
fresh fruit, and for the life ofme I could not understand why
(19:21):
Like who doesn't like freshberries or fresh watermelon and
things like that, and I foundmyself feeling very challenged
by this preference that my kiddohad, and one day it dawned on
me that this was part of asensory challenge for this
particular child of mine thatshe was also adverse to how
certain things fell on her bodyand just more sensory sensitive
(19:44):
to different things in hersurroundings and her environment
.
And when I thought about justthe properties of fruit and how
fruit can often be unpredictablein its taste, in its texture,
like if you think about a pintof blueberries, for example,
that pint of blueberries isgoing to taste different
depending on the time of yearthat you buy it or where you
(20:05):
bought it from, or even the pintof blueberries itself.
I know you can pick one out andit tastes really sweet and
tender, and you can pick anotherone out that might be super
squishy or moldy.
And for a lot of kids that havesensory sensitivities, that
unpredictability with fruit canbe terrifying.
It can be something thatthey're adverse to or try to
avoid.
And when I started to put thosepieces together, it really
(20:28):
helped me understand that maybeit wasn't the fruit itself but
just the way it was prepared.
And so I started trying toincorporate different kinds of
fruit that are still fruit butprepared in different ways that
had more predictable texture andflavor, and sure enough, she
loved them.
So we started incorporatingdried fruit, frozen fruits and
(20:48):
canned fruit, things that Iwouldn't normally keep in the
house, not for any particularreason, but we just didn't
prefer to buy those thingsversus other foods or other
fruit.
But when I realized that therewas this texture issue or taste
issue going on with my kiddo andthat she was more sensitive to
that because of her uniquesensory profile and how that was
(21:09):
showing up, it really helpedopen my eyes to how I could
better support her and justinclude things that naturally
allowed her to expand hervariety.
So we want to just be careful.
Sometimes we're not buyingthings because we just don't
think about having them orincluding them.
We tend to buy foods in ourhome that we naturally prefer as
(21:30):
adults or caregivers andsometimes we don't think about
it from our child's perspectiveand really for a lot of kids
I've seen this with so manypicky eaters, my own included is
that oftentimes they don't havethe vernacular, they don't have
the language to explain orcommunicate some of their
struggles around the foods thatthey're eating.
Their only way of communicatingthat something doesn't feel
(21:53):
safe or something doesn't feelright or isn't sitting well with
them is by refusing it, likefood refusal, or rejecting it
altogether, or saying thingslike yuck, or I don't like this,
or this doesn't taste good, andwe can internalize that food
refusal as rejection, and it cantrigger us and bring up a lot
of things for us as parents, andI'm going to be talking more
about this in the upcoming weeks.
(22:14):
But I wonder if we could stepback and try to understand why
is this food challenging?
Or what's coming up for mykiddo?
What are they trying to expresshere that I am not picking up
on?
That can help us get morecurious about why they are
rejecting those foods.
Is there a pattern around thisand can we potentially
incorporate other things thatcan help them naturally expand
(22:36):
variety in a way that feels safeto them?
But the bottom line here that Ihope you can take away from
this is that just because yourchild has a limited variety
compared to another child doesnot automatically mean that
they're unhealthy, that they'redoomed, that they're going to be
in a health crisis growing up.
That's not what it means at all, and there's, of course, a lot
(22:56):
of nuance here.
But I just want you to considerthat you can trust your child
and you can trust them to eatwhat they need from the foods
that you're providing them andoftentimes our children.
Their nutrition status is muchbetter than we anticipate and
they are able to get the thingsthat they need over time, so I
hope this can help justalleviate any pressure or stress
(23:17):
that you might be feeling,although we will be talking
about this in episodes to come.
Okay, so the last myth I wantedto tackle here is a big one in
itself and maybe I'll do just abroad overview on it, and if
this is a topic that youresonate with or you would like
to hear more information about,please connect with me and let
me know.
I can definitely do a deeperdive into this if this is
(23:37):
something that you're interestedin.
But this is the idea that ourpicky eaters can't be trusted to
eat intuitively.
This is an interesting topicwith many different layers, and
it kind of stems from this ideathat intuitive eating should
look a certain way, and thisidea or this misconception about
what intuitive eating lookslike or should look like in kids
(24:00):
can really prevent us fromaccepting or trusting our child
to eat what they need and whatworks best for their individual
bodies.
So oftentimes when I hear thisidea of raising intuitive eater
being promoted on social mediaor different media channels,
it's often conjuring up thispicture of your child will enjoy
(24:22):
a variety of different foods.
They will like vegetables, theywill eat in a balanced way, and
what I think is reallyimportant for us to understand
is that a child eatingintuitively does not equal a
child eating in a quote balancedway.
And when I'm talking aboutbalance, I'm talking about this
idea that when we feed a childand we're including different
(24:45):
components, we're including somecarbohydrates, we're including
some protein and food andvegetables and dairy that our
kids will naturally want to eata variety of those different
things that we include in anygiven meal or snack.
This is often an idea that manyparents are striving for, even
a subconscious way, when itcomes to raising an intuitive
(25:08):
eater this idea of I want mychild to eat in a balanced way.
Many of us are attached to thisoutcome without really knowing
why or what it means to us, butoften what's connected to it is
what we were previously talkingabout, and that is this idea
that if my child eats in abalanced way, or eats a variety
of foods in every differenteating opportunity, this will
(25:31):
ensure that they grow into theirhealthiest selves.
In reality, if I could draw anillustration of what intuitive
eating looks like for kids.
It often looks nothing like theidea of balanced eating that we
have in our head.
Sometimes it looks like yourchild is mostly just eating
bread all day long, or maybemostly leaning towards the
(25:53):
sweeter foods, or maybe noteating a vegetable for months on
end and just eating again thewhite, beigey, starchy foods
that you're offering them.
And just because your child iseating in that manner does not
mean they are not eatingintuitively.
We have to remember that ourkids are born with these innate
(26:15):
abilities to self-regulate whatthey need, and those abilities
are guided by their individualbody, by their unique
preferences and their sensoryprofile and their temperament,
and that the only person livingin your child's body is your
child.
And so we really have to let goof the expectations that we
(26:37):
have when it comes to how wethink our kids need to be eating
or how they should be eating,because this doesn't allow our
children to learn and developthis experience for themselves.
We have to remember thatraising an intuitive eater has
more to do with how we'refeeding our child and the
trusting feeding relationshipthat's developing with them and
(27:01):
us, versus the what of whatwe're actually feeding them or
what your child might be eatingfrom the foods that you provide.
And again, diet culture plays ahuge role in shaping our ideas
of how we should be feeding ourchildren and what our children
should be eating, and this canoften infiltrate our ideas of
what it means to raise anintuitive eater, even on a
subconscious level.
(27:22):
We've talked about this alittle bit last week too, but
diet culture has framed pickyeating as a problem that needs
to be fixed, which squares offparents as failures if their
kids don't willingly eatvegetables or aren't open to
trying a wide array of rainbowcolored foods.
And it creates this commonmisunderstanding with children
who are more selective abouteating, that somehow the way
(27:44):
they eat is wrong and they can'tpossibly be intuitive if they
prefer chicken nuggets orCheetos, or that the quantity of
food that they're eating can'tsomehow be right for them.
And again, as a parent of apicky eater, I understand this
narrative.
There's been many times whereI've watched what my kids choose
to eat from the foods that I'veprovided and have questioned,
(28:07):
even quietly, their abilities toeat what they need to support
their overall health and growth,and that can be hard to sit
with as a parent and again it'slike you're watching your child
just eat the bread and thedessert from the meal that
you've provided and not wantanything else.
Or there's been many timeswhere my kids have had a cookie
or a bite of a roll and said I'mdone, my tummy's full, I don't
(28:28):
want to eat anymore.
And you really can battle withthis question in your mind like,
is my child really eating?
Intuitively Because thisdoesn't seem right or this
doesn't look right.
But here's what I've learnedthat any of my discomforts that
are coming up around how mychildren eat are not a
reflection of them, but of me.
And anytime the way my ownchild eats brings up discomfort
(28:50):
in me, it's typically because ofsomething in me that needs to
be looked at more closely, notsomething that's inherently
wrong with my child or how mychild eats.
And this is where I think, asparents, we all need to look
about adjusting our responses tohow our children eat, versus
trying to quote, unquote, fixhow our children are eating.
And just because you have achild who's a picky eater and
(29:13):
they might not be eating inalignment with, maybe, your
expectations of how you thinkthey should be eating, doesn't
mean that they're broken orincapable of listening to their
bodies.
At the end of the day, if weare trying to get our children
to eat in alignment with our ownexpectations because it makes
us feel better, that is notgoing to help them preserve
their own intuitive eatingabilities.
(29:34):
And raising an intuitive eateris about helping your child
learn to become the best expertof their own bodies, and the
only people living in yourchild's body are your children.
And if we're trying to steertheir eating choices from our
own fears or hidden agendas,this isn't going to allow them
to learn how to listen to andtrust their bodies, which is the
(29:56):
foundation of what it means toraise an intuitive eater.
And I really think with thisconversation comes challenging
the narrative of what it meansto raise an intuitive eater.
Raising an intuitive eater isnot about having a child who
willingly eats vegetables, orgetting your child to eat
whatever you put in front ofthem, or having a child comply
with what you want them to eatwhen you want them to eat.
(30:18):
That's not what it means.
And in order to support ourchildren in becoming the best
expert of their own bodies, it'simportant to first lay down any
expectations or hidden agendasthat you may have in order to
give your kids the space andfreedom they need to grow into
the person they're meant to be,not who we want them to be and I
(30:38):
know this can be a really,really hard pill to swallow, and
truly, for a long time, I hadto make peace with the fact that
my picky eaters weren't goingto eat certain foods like
vegetables, and that they'dmostly survive on beige
carbohydrate based foods.
And, especially as a dietitian,I took a lot of shade from
people who questioned how I fedmy kids and the way my kids ate
(31:00):
and still do I still do to thisday which makes it even harder
to be okay with where our kidsare at, especially when it comes
to eating.
I think part of this, too, isalso just our temperaments as
parents.
Like if you are more of anadventurous eater yourself, or
if you're someone who enjoysfood or enjoys cooking or
considers yourself a foodie, andyou have a child who's the
(31:21):
opposite of that or who's moreselective or who doesn't really
enjoy different kinds of foods,that can be a challenge too.
So there's a lot here that canbe bringing up a lot around the
way our child eats, and in someways, we have to grieve what we
hoped our child would be when itcomes to eating, because our
eating interactions with ourkids are a form of connection,
(31:44):
and when we feel like we can'tconnect with our child in
certain ways, that can bepainful.
Again, it can be something thatwe have to grieve, and do so in
order to let go of anyunrealistic expectations that
may be there.
But, all in all, it'sremembering that the goal of
raising an intuitive eater isnot about getting a picky eater
to eat more foods that you wantthem to eat, or to try to make
(32:05):
their picky eating tendencies goaway.
At the end of the day, there'sno wrong way to learn how to eat
, and there's definitely not awrong way to learn how to be an
intuitive eater and the bestexpert of your own body.
And just because you have achild who might be more
selective with food doesn't meanthey're unable to listen to
(32:25):
their own bodies.
So that's something I wanted toshare, because I know there's a
lot wrapped up in there.
And, again, when it comes toraising an intuitive eater, it's
less about the food and moreabout the trust and acceptance
that we are learning to extendto our children so that they can
, in turn, internalize thosethings for themselves.
It's very hard for a child tolearn to trust their body if
(32:45):
they're picking up messages fromtheir caregivers that they
can't be trusted to eat, or thatthey're being micromanaged, or
that how they're eating or thattheir preferences are wrong.
Those are very hard things forthem to do, and trust is an
essential piece of them beingable to listen to their bodies
and self-regulate, even if itlooks much different from how we
(33:06):
would expect them to eat.
So there's definitely a lothere, and I just want to quickly
touch on one thing that I thinkis important to address, and
that is that oftentimes, ifthere has been trauma around our
child with their bodies or food, or trauma during pregnancy or
postpartum, this can also makeit challenging for us to learn
(33:26):
how to trust our child.
So, just as an example, mydaughter one of my daughters,
who is a more selective eatershe was born as a late preterm.
So I was 30, just 36 weeks, orjust shy of 36 weeks pregnant
when she was born, and she had alot of feeding difficulties.
Breastfeeding was extremelychallenging and traumatic in
(33:47):
many ways, and that's a storyfor another podcast episode, but
I remember I needed to take herin for frequent weight checks
because they were concerned shewasn't taking in enough breast
milk, and there was so manydifferent apparatuses that I was
using and pumping and takingher in to make sure that she was
getting enough, and I rememberthe pediatrician telling me
(34:08):
she's not getting enough weight.
We want to see her weight at ahigher place.
She's not taking in what sheneeds, and I remember just
feeling and internalizing thismessage that I couldn't trust my
baby to take in what she neededfor her body, and those
messages can stay with us foryears as parents, where there's
(34:29):
early things that may havehappened in your child's story
or in their early childhood thatmay influence the way you feel
about them eating now.
And I see this a lot with pickyeating, where there may have
been some medical trauma orthings that happened around your
child, around their growth,around their development or
their intake or their weight,especially as a baby, which may
play a role in how you feelabout them eating now, and so I
(34:53):
think it's really important tojust examine is that a part of
your food story and, if so, arethere ways that you can work
through that in order to bepresent with where they are
today.
So often we can carry thatnarrative that their bodies
can't be trusted because ofthings that happened in the past
and put that burden on them nowin effort to keep them safe.
But in reality, we're oftenliving in a different situation,
(35:15):
and so I just wanted to sharethat because, again, picky
eating is so nuanced.
There's so much that isconnected to this topic for
ourselves, for our kids, andagain I just want to hold space
for you if you're navigatingthis with your own child or in
your own family, and I just wantyou to know that you're not
alone.
I hope this episode was helpfulin just talking through some of
(35:36):
these common myths that may comeup when it comes to raising a
picky eater, and if you havequestions or topic suggestions
about picky eating that you'dlike me to address, I'd love to
hear from you.
As always, you can connect withme via email.
Hello at CrystalCargiscom, andthank you so much for your time
in tuning in.
I cannot wait to see you nextweek.
(35:56):
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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