August 13, 2023 • 26 mins
Welcome back, mamas, to another episode where we challenge the myths of diet culture and the standards imposed on our children. As a mama of five and an intuitive eating dietitian, I've seen first-hand the impact of these standards, especially with two of my own kiddos who are selective eaters. We're going to debunk some common misconceptions about picky eating that often lead to stress and guilt. It's time we redefine the narrative around our children's eating habits.
We start off by breaking down the myths that can make meal times more of a struggle than they need to be. Understanding the factors that influence a child's eating preferences, such as biology, genetics and sensory profiles, can help us feel less responsible and more understanding. Remember, there's no need to 'fix' a selective eater. Exposing our little ones to new foods is crucial but so is acknowledging and accepting their individual preferences.
In our final chat, we tackle guilt – a common emotion that many of us parents feel when dealing with a picky eater. This guilt often leads to power struggles, creating a vicious cycle that benefits no one. We're going to talk about how to change the dialogue around selective eating and stop using labels like 'picky eater'. It's crucial to remember that the language our kids hear from us can become their inner dialogue. So let's end the shaming, embrace acceptance, and remind ourselves that we're doing the best we can. Join me on this journey to a more relaxed and enjoyable mealtime!
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so excited that you're here.
We are actually embarking on anew mini series here about picky
(00:46):
eating, which I've been wantingto do for a long time, so I'm
excited to finally carve outsome space on the show to
address and talk about thistopic.
I am really passionate aboutthis for multiple reasons, one
being that I have found, as aprofessional who works with
families who are navigatingpicky eating, but also as a mom
with a couple of picky eatersmyself, that there can be so
(01:10):
much shame around this, whichcan make it really challenging
to support your child with theirinnate intuitive eating
abilities and to just be able toenjoy food as a family when
there is so much stress andtension and inherent shame built
in around picky eating oraround how your child is eating
or how you think they should beeating.
(01:31):
There is a lot here, and so Iam hoping that over the next few
weeks I can speak to some ofyour questions or concerns.
I have received differentthoughts and questions from many
of you, which I'm grateful for,so thank you, and if this topic
is something that is settingoff a bell in your head and
you're curious about anydifferent aspects related to
(01:52):
picky eating, I would love tohear from you.
So just a reminder that you canalways connect with me via
email, which is the best way inthis season, and that is hello
at CrystalCargiscom.
If you are on the weekly emailthat's going out, you can always
reply to any of those as welland say hello, share any
questions.
I'm always so happy to hearfrom you and just know how I can
(02:15):
better serve you on this show.
I wanted to kick things off byjust addressing some of the
common myths around picky eating.
There are so many I found ithard to narrow it to a few for
today's episode.
But many of these myths, I find, are what can make feeding our
kids a struggle just from theonset, and these are things that
(02:38):
are often perpetuated by dietculture, and there is often this
narrative of there beingnormative standards for eating,
and oftentimes, if you have achild who is picky or selective,
they don't meet those arbitrarystandards.
And those standards for eatingwhich are portrayed as being the
most optimal for health andwell-being are rooted in diet
(03:01):
culture, and when we are takingthese standards and comparing
them to our kids, who maybecan't eat, in a way that we see
food being portrayed onInstagram or we see other
families eating, it can bereally challenging.
And, again, this can be such atrigger for shame, and we're all
about challenging the shame andmoving away from narratives
(03:23):
that perpetuate shame aroundfood and around bodies, and,
ultimately, what our kids needis us being able to accept them
where they're at, when it comesto their appetite and when it
comes to their food preferences,and so I thought we could start
out today by just tackling someof these really common myths
that are circulating.
You likely have heard many ofthese, and I thought we could
(03:46):
just start by talking throughsome of these and really
challenging them, and we willdefinitely be moving into
different strategies as well ascommon scenarios that can come
up with picky eating.
And I also just want toacknowledge that this is a very
big topic and it's a verynuanced topic, and there are
many different facets aboutpicky eating that would just be
(04:08):
difficult to cover in itsentirety on this show, as much
as I wish I could.
And I also want to acknowledge,too, that every different child
in every different family hasunique situations, and so I am
by no means trying to lumpeverything into a box and will
be talking more generally and,of course, if you have any
questions, I'd love to hear fromyou too.
(04:28):
As we're going through thisseries.
You might also hear me use theword selective eating, and I
prefer that terminology,although it's more of a mouthful
to say as opposed to pickyeating.
But I just feel like the termpicky eating, there's a lot of
negative connotation to it, andsometimes it can be said in a
derogatory way no-transcript formy kiddos, who are more
(04:52):
selective, that they have beenlabeled in that way by
well-meaning family members orfriends or even practitioners or
providers, who called thempicky eaters, and I could see
how that affected them.
And so I think, in effort toshift the narrative and really
challenge a lot of the shame andthe stigma that can be formed
around picky eating, I thinklooking at our terminology and
(05:15):
just the word that we're usingcan be helpful.
But I like to use the wordselective eating and so you
might hear me using that and I'musing that interchangeably with
picky eating.
So let's start by diving intothese common myths and again, a
lot of this is coming from mylived experience as a mother.
I have five kiddos, as many ofyou know, and two of them are
(05:37):
what I would consider selectiveeaters, and a lot of that is
shaped by many different factors, including sensory
sensitivities.
We have some neurodivergencegoing on.
These are also my ADHD kiddosand there are very interesting
things that I've observed asbeing a parent on this side of
things and also, like I said,from professional work
(05:59):
experience, and a lot of thethings I'm sharing are coming
from my lived experience as amother and navigating just the
many different challenges thatcome with parenting a child who
has these sensory sensitivitiesand more selectiveness when it
comes to food and eating, andthis is in contrast to.
I have other kids who also havehigher interest and love and
(06:19):
food and will eat everything andso that has made for just
interesting dynamic in feeding afamily, especially children who
have varied interests andpreferences with food.
So I really do understand from aparent perspective the shame
that can come with how yourchild eats and the fear of
judgment around your child andthe comments that you might get.
(06:39):
And even just recently I tookmy son in for his wall check and
received a lot of shame andnegativity from the pediatrician
during our wall check visit andI had not said to her that I
was a dietician and I typicallydon't reveal that information
and I just couldn't get over howshaming that she was during our
(07:01):
visit because of my son'sgrowth chart and where he was on
the growth chart and he'salways been on the lower end of
the growth chart for weight andshe really brought a lot of
shame around that, even though Iunderstand that he's growing on
his individual growth curve andmaintaining steady growth.
For him there was so much shameand she was really like digging
(07:22):
in and wanting to know what amI feeding him, what is he eating
, and I walked away from thatappointment just really having
even more compassion and empathyfor families that are going
through this, because it can beso hard in so many different
ways.
It can really bring up a lot,and in fact, I'm going to be
talking in the upcoming weeksabout why picky eating can be so
(07:43):
triggering and how our fearsaround our child's growth or
nutrition can often play a rolein how we engage with them when
it comes to food.
So all that is coming down thequeue and I hope you'll tune in
if that's something that isinteresting to you.
But, all to say, I just wantyou to know that I understand if
you're navigating picky eating.
(08:03):
It can be so tough for so manyreasons, and I want you to know
that you're not alone.
Number one, and many of thesethings are myths that I've
encountered myself as I'venavigated this with my children,
or things that I've heard, andso I just wanted to tackle them,
and so the first one that Iwanted to share here is this
idea that baby lead weaningprevents picky eating.
(08:24):
I feel like there's so muchthat I want to say just about
this one myth, because there'sso much to unpack here and baby
lead weaning.
I will likely do a whole miniseries on feeding babies,
because there's a lot there andit's really wild how diet
culture permeates feeding kidsfrom such an early age, like
(08:46):
starting solids.
There's already so manyembedded rules stemming from
diet culture that can influencehow we think we need to feed our
kids.
But, if you're unaware, babylead weaning is an approach to
feeding babies where solids areintroduced, basically by
integrating foods for your babythat you are eating as a family.
(09:06):
So it tends to forego pureesand spoon feeding in favor of
finger foods that your baby selffeeds.
And again, there's a lot totalk about and speak of when it
comes to baby lead weaningversus spoon feeding and
ultimately we want to do what isbest for our child and there
are many different factors thatcan influence what that might be
(09:29):
.
But the bottom line here is thatbaby lead weaning is often
promoted as an approach that canprevent picky eating.
If you theoretically this isthe idea behind it allow your
child to self feed and you'regiving them solid foods in the
form of finger foods and you'reexposing them to different
flavors and textures and givingthem things that you're eating
(09:53):
so again that exposure at ayoung age then they won't be
picky.
It's a very interesting ideaand many parents will take this
bait because it sounds veryenticing.
It sounds very promising.
However, there is no researchto support that baby lead
weaning somehow preventspickiness or a child from being
selective.
(10:15):
My own anecdotal evidence I diddo a baby lead weaning approach
with a baby lead weaning.
All my children, all my fivekiddos, and I still have two
that are selective, selectiveeaters.
And so this idea, I think, putsthe onus on parents to have to
be the ones to do all thesethings in order to prevent your
child from becoming picky.
(10:36):
And there's a lot of problemswith this, the first being that
it's creating picky eating assomething that should be
prevented, therefore making it areally negative thing right,
like if your child's picky,that's really bad and you need
to do everything in your powerto prevent it.
But again, the other problemwith this idea is that it
creates a lot of shame if youhave a picky eater, right.
(10:58):
I know so many parents who havetold me that they tried baby
lead weaning and they stillended up with their child being
picky or selective and felt likeI did something wrong, like
what did I do wrong?
I must have screwed this up, Imust have messed up somewhere,
because I did all the things Iwas supposed to do and told that
I should do, and yet I stillended up with a child who is
(11:19):
highly selective.
So, again, this narrative whereit's setting parents up to
believe if I do X and Y, this isthe outcome, this is what will
happen in result of my hard workand labor, when the reality is
that there are so many factorsthat influence how our child
eats and their palate and theirfood preferences and how they
(11:40):
engage with food and theirappetites.
They have nothing to do withwhat we are doing as parents.
And again, I think it's reallyimportant to challenge this
narrative that it's all on yourshoulders and 100% your
responsibility to prevent pickyeating.
And I know as a parent myselfwho tried the baby lead weaning
(12:00):
approach with all my babies andstill had picky eaters I know
the shame that this myth cancause and it's very toxic and
very damaging and it can reallycreate just fear and anxiety and
the feeding relationshipbetween you and your child from
an early age.
It can create feelings ofmistrust, it can create doubt in
yourself.
(12:21):
You may not feel confident inapproaching food or navigating
feeding with your child, and soI really think it's time that we
put this myth to rest becauseit's so harmful.
And that leads me to my secondmyth here, which is that picky
eating is a problem that needsto be fixed, or that your child
is somehow engaging in badbehavior if they are a picky
(12:43):
eater.
Now you're going to notice alot of overlap here, but a lot
of mainstream advice about pickyeating is coming with an
attached outcome, meaning it'sbeing promoted with this idea
that if you do these things,your child will no longer be
picky.
And again, there's a lot ofnuance here where there are some
(13:04):
elements of selective eatingthat may make it challenging for
our child to engage in, let'ssay, social situations or eating
at school or going to afriend's house.
However, those challenges arenot a result of our child.
It's not our child's fault thatthose situations are
challenging or difficult, and sothis is something that I really
(13:26):
struggle with on kid foodInstagram land, where there's a
lot of different accounts outthere that really promote this
idea or their programs ordifferent methods Like if you
try these things, then you willfix your child's picky eating
problem, and againcharacterizing picky eating as a
problem that needs to be fixed.
And I'm telling you I know that,as parents, we internalize that
(13:48):
, as this is something that I'vecreated, this is my fault, and
getting comments from differentpeople or family members doesn't
help either.
When we're asked questions orwe're told comments or we're
hearing remarks about how ourkid eats or what they don't eat
or oh, your kid eats like a bird, or I wish I could eat like
that and all those things justcause us, as parents and
(14:10):
caregivers, to internalize thisdamaging narrative that I've
ruined my child and picky eatingis almost characterized as a
disease of sorts, when thereality is that there are so
many factors again that willinfluence how a child eats,
their preferences, their palates, and a lot of these things are
not the result of what a parenthas done or hasn't done.
(14:31):
There are a lot of these thingsare the result of their biology
, their genetics, their sensoryprofile, and this idea that if
we just follow a certainprotocol or do this strategy or
try this thing, that we can fixthis problem is very misleading.
And just as an example withthis and this is a story I've
told before, but I remember as ayoung mom with my first, she
(14:54):
loved everything.
We offered her everything, andshe was very excited and open to
eating.
She was a very adventurouseater.
And then my second came alongand she is one of my pickier
eaters and hardly liked any ofthe things that we introduced
and it was very challenging.
And I just remember feeling asa mom like what did I do
different?
What did I do wrong between myfirst and my second, where my
(15:16):
second isn't liking the samethings that my first is?
And this is a very common trapthat we can fall in when we have
multiple kids is that wecompare them to each other, even
though they are completelydifferent people with different
personalities and temperamentsand, again, sensory profiles.
And to compare them to eachother and expect them to eat in
similar manners is unfair, butwe can't help it sometimes
(15:37):
because that's all we know.
My first was all I knew, anddoing the same things.
With my second, I expectedsimilar outcomes, but she was a
completely different kid and Iremember coming across some
advice I can't remember if itwas a book or something that
said you just need to exposeyour child multiple times.
And this was in my earlyeducation years of becoming a
(15:57):
dietician.
So I was still learning andjust kind of taking in all this
information and I was sodesperate.
I just wanted to figure out howI could get my daughter to eat
and eat different foods.
And I heard that increasingvariety and getting them to eat
different kinds of foods andgetting them to be more
adventurous was what would helpraise a healthy child.
(16:18):
And I was sold on thatnarrative and I was motivated to
figure out how to help mydaughter eat outside of her safe
few foods that she was eating.
And I just remember reading ifyou continue exposing them, kids
need anywhere from eight to 15exposures and they will start to
like new foods.
So I was game.
(16:40):
I remember thinking, okay, I amgoing to offer I think it was
vegetable different kinds ofvegetables to my daughter
multiple times.
She was a toddler at this timeand I'm just gonna keep offering
and exposing her and makingsure they're part of our meals
and not pressuring her to eat.
And little did I know that, nomatter how many times I exposed
(17:01):
her that there was just certainthings that she wasn't going to
eat and this is going to soundso ridiculous, but I remember
actually keeping a little tallycount of how many times I
offered her I think it was greenveggies and she wouldn't eat
them.
I think I literally got over ahundred times before.
I was like this is soridiculous, I'm gonna stop doing
this, because I'm literallyjust making myself crazy, I'm
(17:23):
losing my sanity over this, andI gave up on it.
I let it go and I said we willkeep exposing, but not in a way
that is going to attach anoutcome to it.
And I finally came to a pointof realization where I thought
you know what she may never likethese things.
I might expose them to herbecause these are things that I
enjoy eating, or my husbandenjoys eating, or other kids in
(17:44):
the family enjoy eating, but shedoesn't, and that's okay.
And the funny thing is that tothis day, she is 11 now and
there are still certain foodsthat she's been exposed to
multiple times and won't eat.
And she's a healthy, amazingkid and her not eating certain
foods has not dampened that inany way.
And I think this is again anarrative that we get trapped in
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is that if your child is not anadventurous eater, or if
they're not eating a variety ofdifferent foods, or if they're
picky, then something is goingto be inherently wrong with them
, or something is inherentlywrong with them, and this is a
problem that you need to fix,and I know this can be really
challenging, and I am not by anymeans dogging all the advice
that's out there.
I think there is really great,well-meaning, well-intended
(18:30):
advice.
However, I do think it'simportant to understand that,
despite our best efforts anddespite all the different tricks
and strategies that we mighttry and engage in, you might
just have a kiddo who, no matterwhat you do, won't try or eat
certain things, and that's okay.
And that's why I really thinkit's important to challenge this
(18:51):
myth that if you have a pickyeater, your goal is to try to
fix them.
They are broken.
This is a problem, this needsto be addressed, and it's not to
say that there aren't elementsinvolved with that that need
some additional support.
But I really think it'simportant to move away from this
idea that just because yourchild might be more selective
means that they're broken andnow you have to make it your
(19:12):
life's work to try to fix themor try to get them to eat things
that maybe they're not readyfor.
And this is the problem, thisis the trap that we fall into is
that now, as parents, we putthis pressure on ourselves to
try to get our kids to eatthings that, again, they may not
have the skills for or may notbe ready for, and that can be
very damaging over the long run.
So I really wanted to make surethat we crushed that myth.
(19:35):
Okay, as I'm looking at my listhere, I think what I'm going to
do is split up this episode intotwo, because there's no way I'm
gonna be able to get through mylist here.
So I hope you'll hang with meand thank you for your patience
as I get through thisinformation and I'm realizing
there's a lot to talk about.
So we will split this up.
(19:55):
I will end this episode on onemore myth and then I will do a
part two coming out for you soon.
So I will end with this lastone here, and it's right in line
with the previous myths that wewere talking about and really
there's a lot of overlap here,but really just a reiterate and
the myth here is that parents orcaregivers are to blame for
(20:16):
picky eating.
But again, because picky eatingis not a fault per se, there's
no one or person or thing toblame for it, and this is really
really crucial to understand,to remove any unnecessary
judgment and shame on caregivers, who really are truly doing
their best to care for and feedtheir children, and I can attest
(20:39):
to this, and I know that one ofthe biggest sources of shame
for me as a parent in my earlierparenting years was around
having a child who was a pig earor selective eater, especially
compared to another kid wholoved eating everything and
trying all the different kindsof foods, and that stark
difference really felt like itwas being reflected on me as a
(21:01):
parent and that creates so muchjudgment.
And I think, as parents too, weare taking in everyone's
perception of us, and the way wefeed our kids and the way our
children eat often feel like adirect reflection of us as
parents.
And so because we're constantlybombarded with this negative
that if your kid is anadventurous eater, if they're
(21:22):
eating a ton of variety, thenthat is what will make them
healthy, we are constantly, bynature, alienating a large
percentage of kids who don'tnaturally eat in that way, and
that creates a lot of judgmenttowards their parents and
caregivers, who are just doingthe best they can and navigating
all sorts of differentchallenges around this.
(21:43):
And parents are no more toblame for picky eating in a
child than any other inherentcharacteristic about that child,
and so we want to remember thata child's eating temperament is
the result of many differentfactors, a lot of which is
influenced by genetics andbiology, and these are things
(22:05):
that are not within our realm ofcontrol, and so it's really
important to separate parents asbeing the culprit or again even
creating this idea that, oh,this child's picky, again
something's wrong and who's toblame for this?
Who's to blame for this way ofinteracting with food?
And we really want to removeand challenge the stigma and the
(22:28):
blame around this, because whatparent isn't doing the best
that they can with the resourcesand capacities that they have?
And anytime a parent feels thatshame from causing something in
their child, it only createsmore stress and tension and
difficulty, and this can be ahuge source of power struggles
between a parent and a child,especially when we have a parent
(22:50):
who feels like this is my fault, I am the reason why my child
doesn't want to eat or doesn'twant to try different foods, and
you can really take that heaton yourself, especially when
your child is old enough tostart going to social functions
or being involved in school andyou're directly comparing maybe
not on purpose, but you'reseeing how your child eats
(23:10):
compared to other kids, and thatcan create this feeling of I
didn't do enough or I screwed upor I failed, I somehow got this
wrong because my child doesn'teat like other kids will, and
that's really stressful.
And then again that can causeus to project our emotions and
our fears on our kids, which cancreate stress and power
struggles around the feedingrelationship, where we might be
(23:31):
pressuring our child and subtleor more direct ways to get them
to eat or try to eat in adifferent way that maybe they're
just not ready for.
And, as you can see, this canbecome a really vicious cycle
and we want to avoid theselabels that our kids get smacked
with at really young ages, likepicky eating, you're a picky
eater, or however that comesacross.
(23:52):
I think that can really staywith our kids for years to come
and affect how they feel aboutthemselves, and we have to
remember that the dialogue thatour children hear becomes their
inner dialogue that they havewith themselves, or becomes a
narrative that informs how theythink about themselves or their
bodies or the relationship withfood, and we don't want to cause
(24:13):
our children to feel like theirbodies can't be trusted any
less because they're moreselective or because they have
sensory sensitivities or becausethey have a harder time eating
different foods.
We want them to feel ourunconditional love and
acceptance, however they eat,and that can only come from a
place when we can acceptourselves really as parents,
(24:34):
when we're having a hard timemaybe accepting ourselves and
the things that we do and thethings that maybe we've done as
parents, and realizing that wereally are doing the best that
we can and certain aspects aboutour child, or our children
again, are not necessarilyproblems that need to be fixed
or issues that we have causedfrom different things that we've
done throughout our child'supbringing.
(24:55):
So I just want to emphasize that, because I know a lot of
parents really do carry guiltand shame around having a picky
eater, having a child who's aselective eater and all that
comes with that.
I know there's a lot involved.
There's a lot of planning andthinking and there's this
invisible mental load that wecarry when we're not sure is my
kid going to eat today, are theygoing to eat this, or what do I
(25:16):
have to make or how do I prepthis meal to include something
that they will eat.
I know it's hard.
I truly understand and I'mexcited to delve more into this
series with you and just talkthrough some of these strategies
and approaches and things thatcan help alleviate some of the
stress and shame that you mightbe carrying, because, mama, you
are doing an amazing job.
(25:37):
So next episode, I will makesure that we finish off these
myths and really just challengea lot of these picky eating
beliefs, and then we will delveinto some other topics around
picky eating that are hopefullyhelpful to you if this is
something that's relevant inyour life right now.
So, again, if you have anyquestions or thoughts that you'd
like to share, I'd love to hearfrom you, or if you have myths
(25:58):
that you'd like to see me tackleabout picky eating, please feel
free to send those my way, andI'm just sending you so much
love and gratefulness for yourtime being here with me and
cannot wait to connect with younext week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
(26:19):
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so excited that you're here.
We are actually embarking on anew mini series here about picky
(00:46):
eating, which I've been wantingto do for a long time, so I'm
excited to finally carve outsome space on the show to
address and talk about thistopic.
I am really passionate aboutthis for multiple reasons, one
being that I have found, as aprofessional who works with
families who are navigatingpicky eating, but also as a mom
with a couple of picky eatersmyself, that there can be so
(01:10):
much shame around this, whichcan make it really challenging
to support your child with theirinnate intuitive eating
abilities and to just be able toenjoy food as a family when
there is so much stress andtension and inherent shame built
in around picky eating oraround how your child is eating
or how you think they should beeating.
(01:31):
There is a lot here, and so Iam hoping that over the next few
weeks I can speak to some ofyour questions or concerns.
I have received differentthoughts and questions from many
of you, which I'm grateful for,so thank you, and if this topic
is something that is settingoff a bell in your head and
you're curious about anydifferent aspects related to
(01:52):
picky eating, I would love tohear from you.
So just a reminder that you canalways connect with me via
email, which is the best way inthis season, and that is hello
at CrystalCargiscom.
If you are on the weekly emailthat's going out, you can always
reply to any of those as welland say hello, share any
questions.
I'm always so happy to hearfrom you and just know how I can
(02:15):
better serve you on this show.
I wanted to kick things off byjust addressing some of the
common myths around picky eating.
There are so many I found ithard to narrow it to a few for
today's episode.
But many of these myths, I find, are what can make feeding our
kids a struggle just from theonset, and these are things that
(02:38):
are often perpetuated by dietculture, and there is often this
narrative of there beingnormative standards for eating,
and oftentimes, if you have achild who is picky or selective,
they don't meet those arbitrarystandards.
And those standards for eatingwhich are portrayed as being the
most optimal for health andwell-being are rooted in diet
(03:01):
culture, and when we are takingthese standards and comparing
them to our kids, who maybecan't eat, in a way that we see
food being portrayed onInstagram or we see other
families eating, it can bereally challenging.
And, again, this can be such atrigger for shame, and we're all
about challenging the shame andmoving away from narratives
(03:23):
that perpetuate shame aroundfood and around bodies, and,
ultimately, what our kids needis us being able to accept them
where they're at, when it comesto their appetite and when it
comes to their food preferences,and so I thought we could start
out today by just tackling someof these really common myths
that are circulating.
You likely have heard many ofthese, and I thought we could
(03:46):
just start by talking throughsome of these and really
challenging them, and we willdefinitely be moving into
different strategies as well ascommon scenarios that can come
up with picky eating.
And I also just want toacknowledge that this is a very
big topic and it's a verynuanced topic, and there are
many different facets aboutpicky eating that would just be
(04:08):
difficult to cover in itsentirety on this show, as much
as I wish I could.
And I also want to acknowledge,too, that every different child
in every different family hasunique situations, and so I am
by no means trying to lumpeverything into a box and will
be talking more generally and,of course, if you have any
questions, I'd love to hear fromyou too.
(04:28):
As we're going through thisseries.
You might also hear me use theword selective eating, and I
prefer that terminology,although it's more of a mouthful
to say as opposed to pickyeating.
But I just feel like the termpicky eating, there's a lot of
negative connotation to it, andsometimes it can be said in a
derogatory way no-transcript formy kiddos, who are more
(04:52):
selective, that they have beenlabeled in that way by
well-meaning family members orfriends or even practitioners or
providers, who called thempicky eaters, and I could see
how that affected them.
And so I think, in effort toshift the narrative and really
challenge a lot of the shame andthe stigma that can be formed
around picky eating, I thinklooking at our terminology and
(05:15):
just the word that we're usingcan be helpful.
But I like to use the wordselective eating and so you
might hear me using that and I'musing that interchangeably with
picky eating.
So let's start by diving intothese common myths and again, a
lot of this is coming from mylived experience as a mother.
I have five kiddos, as many ofyou know, and two of them are
(05:37):
what I would consider selectiveeaters, and a lot of that is
shaped by many different factors, including sensory
sensitivities.
We have some neurodivergencegoing on.
These are also my ADHD kiddosand there are very interesting
things that I've observed asbeing a parent on this side of
things and also, like I said,from professional work
(05:59):
experience, and a lot of thethings I'm sharing are coming
from my lived experience as amother and navigating just the
many different challenges thatcome with parenting a child who
has these sensory sensitivitiesand more selectiveness when it
comes to food and eating, andthis is in contrast to.
I have other kids who also havehigher interest and love and
(06:19):
food and will eat everything andso that has made for just
interesting dynamic in feeding afamily, especially children who
have varied interests andpreferences with food.
So I really do understand from aparent perspective the shame
that can come with how yourchild eats and the fear of
judgment around your child andthe comments that you might get.
(06:39):
And even just recently I tookmy son in for his wall check and
received a lot of shame andnegativity from the pediatrician
during our wall check visit andI had not said to her that I
was a dietician and I typicallydon't reveal that information
and I just couldn't get over howshaming that she was during our
(07:01):
visit because of my son'sgrowth chart and where he was on
the growth chart and he'salways been on the lower end of
the growth chart for weight andshe really brought a lot of
shame around that, even though Iunderstand that he's growing on
his individual growth curve andmaintaining steady growth.
For him there was so much shameand she was really like digging
(07:22):
in and wanting to know what amI feeding him, what is he eating
, and I walked away from thatappointment just really having
even more compassion and empathyfor families that are going
through this, because it can beso hard in so many different
ways.
It can really bring up a lot,and in fact, I'm going to be
talking in the upcoming weeksabout why picky eating can be so
(07:43):
triggering and how our fearsaround our child's growth or
nutrition can often play a rolein how we engage with them when
it comes to food.
So all that is coming down thequeue and I hope you'll tune in
if that's something that isinteresting to you.
But, all to say, I just wantyou to know that I understand if
you're navigating picky eating.
(08:03):
It can be so tough for so manyreasons, and I want you to know
that you're not alone.
Number one, and many of thesethings are myths that I've
encountered myself as I'venavigated this with my children,
or things that I've heard, andso I just wanted to tackle them,
and so the first one that Iwanted to share here is this
idea that baby lead weaningprevents picky eating.
(08:24):
I feel like there's so muchthat I want to say just about
this one myth, because there'sso much to unpack here and baby
lead weaning.
I will likely do a whole miniseries on feeding babies,
because there's a lot there andit's really wild how diet
culture permeates feeding kidsfrom such an early age, like
(08:46):
starting solids.
There's already so manyembedded rules stemming from
diet culture that can influencehow we think we need to feed our
kids.
But, if you're unaware, babylead weaning is an approach to
feeding babies where solids areintroduced, basically by
integrating foods for your babythat you are eating as a family.
(09:06):
So it tends to forego pureesand spoon feeding in favor of
finger foods that your baby selffeeds.
And again, there's a lot totalk about and speak of when it
comes to baby lead weaningversus spoon feeding and
ultimately we want to do what isbest for our child and there
are many different factors thatcan influence what that might be
(09:29):
.
But the bottom line here is thatbaby lead weaning is often
promoted as an approach that canprevent picky eating.
If you theoretically this isthe idea behind it allow your
child to self feed and you'regiving them solid foods in the
form of finger foods and you'reexposing them to different
flavors and textures and givingthem things that you're eating
(09:53):
so again that exposure at ayoung age then they won't be
picky.
It's a very interesting ideaand many parents will take this
bait because it sounds veryenticing.
It sounds very promising.
However, there is no researchto support that baby lead
weaning somehow preventspickiness or a child from being
selective.
(10:15):
My own anecdotal evidence I diddo a baby lead weaning approach
with a baby lead weaning.
All my children, all my fivekiddos, and I still have two
that are selective, selectiveeaters.
And so this idea, I think, putsthe onus on parents to have to
be the ones to do all thesethings in order to prevent your
child from becoming picky.
(10:36):
And there's a lot of problemswith this, the first being that
it's creating picky eating assomething that should be
prevented, therefore making it areally negative thing right,
like if your child's picky,that's really bad and you need
to do everything in your powerto prevent it.
But again, the other problemwith this idea is that it
creates a lot of shame if youhave a picky eater, right.
(10:58):
I know so many parents who havetold me that they tried baby
lead weaning and they stillended up with their child being
picky or selective and felt likeI did something wrong, like
what did I do wrong?
I must have screwed this up, Imust have messed up somewhere,
because I did all the things Iwas supposed to do and told that
I should do, and yet I stillended up with a child who is
(11:19):
highly selective.
So, again, this narrative whereit's setting parents up to
believe if I do X and Y, this isthe outcome, this is what will
happen in result of my hard workand labor, when the reality is
that there are so many factorsthat influence how our child
eats and their palate and theirfood preferences and how they
(11:40):
engage with food and theirappetites.
They have nothing to do withwhat we are doing as parents.
And again, I think it's reallyimportant to challenge this
narrative that it's all on yourshoulders and 100% your
responsibility to prevent pickyeating.
And I know as a parent myselfwho tried the baby lead weaning
(12:00):
approach with all my babies andstill had picky eaters I know
the shame that this myth cancause and it's very toxic and
very damaging and it can reallycreate just fear and anxiety and
the feeding relationshipbetween you and your child from
an early age.
It can create feelings ofmistrust, it can create doubt in
yourself.
(12:21):
You may not feel confident inapproaching food or navigating
feeding with your child, and soI really think it's time that we
put this myth to rest becauseit's so harmful.
And that leads me to my secondmyth here, which is that picky
eating is a problem that needsto be fixed, or that your child
is somehow engaging in badbehavior if they are a picky
(12:43):
eater.
Now you're going to notice alot of overlap here, but a lot
of mainstream advice about pickyeating is coming with an
attached outcome, meaning it'sbeing promoted with this idea
that if you do these things,your child will no longer be
picky.
And again, there's a lot ofnuance here where there are some
(13:04):
elements of selective eatingthat may make it challenging for
our child to engage in, let'ssay, social situations or eating
at school or going to afriend's house.
However, those challenges arenot a result of our child.
It's not our child's fault thatthose situations are
challenging or difficult, and sothis is something that I really
(13:26):
struggle with on kid foodInstagram land, where there's a
lot of different accounts outthere that really promote this
idea or their programs ordifferent methods Like if you
try these things, then you willfix your child's picky eating
problem, and againcharacterizing picky eating as a
problem that needs to be fixed.
And I'm telling you I know that,as parents, we internalize that
(13:48):
, as this is something that I'vecreated, this is my fault, and
getting comments from differentpeople or family members doesn't
help either.
When we're asked questions orwe're told comments or we're
hearing remarks about how ourkid eats or what they don't eat
or oh, your kid eats like a bird, or I wish I could eat like
that and all those things justcause us, as parents and
(14:10):
caregivers, to internalize thisdamaging narrative that I've
ruined my child and picky eatingis almost characterized as a
disease of sorts, when thereality is that there are so
many factors again that willinfluence how a child eats,
their preferences, their palates, and a lot of these things are
not the result of what a parenthas done or hasn't done.
(14:31):
There are a lot of these thingsare the result of their biology
, their genetics, their sensoryprofile, and this idea that if
we just follow a certainprotocol or do this strategy or
try this thing, that we can fixthis problem is very misleading.
And just as an example withthis and this is a story I've
told before, but I remember as ayoung mom with my first, she
(14:54):
loved everything.
We offered her everything, andshe was very excited and open to
eating.
She was a very adventurouseater.
And then my second came alongand she is one of my pickier
eaters and hardly liked any ofthe things that we introduced
and it was very challenging.
And I just remember feeling asa mom like what did I do
different?
What did I do wrong between myfirst and my second, where my
(15:16):
second isn't liking the samethings that my first is?
And this is a very common trapthat we can fall in when we have
multiple kids is that wecompare them to each other, even
though they are completelydifferent people with different
personalities and temperamentsand, again, sensory profiles.
And to compare them to eachother and expect them to eat in
similar manners is unfair, butwe can't help it sometimes
(15:37):
because that's all we know.
My first was all I knew, anddoing the same things.
With my second, I expectedsimilar outcomes, but she was a
completely different kid and Iremember coming across some
advice I can't remember if itwas a book or something that
said you just need to exposeyour child multiple times.
And this was in my earlyeducation years of becoming a
(15:57):
dietician.
So I was still learning andjust kind of taking in all this
information and I was sodesperate.
I just wanted to figure out howI could get my daughter to eat
and eat different foods.
And I heard that increasingvariety and getting them to eat
different kinds of foods andgetting them to be more
adventurous was what would helpraise a healthy child.
(16:18):
And I was sold on thatnarrative and I was motivated to
figure out how to help mydaughter eat outside of her safe
few foods that she was eating.
And I just remember reading ifyou continue exposing them, kids
need anywhere from eight to 15exposures and they will start to
like new foods.
So I was game.
(16:40):
I remember thinking, okay, I amgoing to offer I think it was
vegetable different kinds ofvegetables to my daughter
multiple times.
She was a toddler at this timeand I'm just gonna keep offering
and exposing her and makingsure they're part of our meals
and not pressuring her to eat.
And little did I know that, nomatter how many times I exposed
(17:01):
her that there was just certainthings that she wasn't going to
eat and this is going to soundso ridiculous, but I remember
actually keeping a little tallycount of how many times I
offered her I think it was greenveggies and she wouldn't eat
them.
I think I literally got over ahundred times before.
I was like this is soridiculous, I'm gonna stop doing
this, because I'm literallyjust making myself crazy, I'm
(17:23):
losing my sanity over this, andI gave up on it.
I let it go and I said we willkeep exposing, but not in a way
that is going to attach anoutcome to it.
And I finally came to a pointof realization where I thought
you know what she may never likethese things.
I might expose them to herbecause these are things that I
enjoy eating, or my husbandenjoys eating, or other kids in
(17:44):
the family enjoy eating, but shedoesn't, and that's okay.
And the funny thing is that tothis day, she is 11 now and
there are still certain foodsthat she's been exposed to
multiple times and won't eat.
And she's a healthy, amazingkid and her not eating certain
foods has not dampened that inany way.
And I think this is again anarrative that we get trapped in
(18:07):
is that if your child is not anadventurous eater, or if
they're not eating a variety ofdifferent foods, or if they're
picky, then something is goingto be inherently wrong with them
, or something is inherentlywrong with them, and this is a
problem that you need to fix,and I know this can be really
challenging, and I am not by anymeans dogging all the advice
that's out there.
I think there is really great,well-meaning, well-intended
(18:30):
advice.
However, I do think it'simportant to understand that,
despite our best efforts anddespite all the different tricks
and strategies that we mighttry and engage in, you might
just have a kiddo who, no matterwhat you do, won't try or eat
certain things, and that's okay.
And that's why I really thinkit's important to challenge this
(18:51):
myth that if you have a pickyeater, your goal is to try to
fix them.
They are broken.
This is a problem, this needsto be addressed, and it's not to
say that there aren't elementsinvolved with that that need
some additional support.
But I really think it'simportant to move away from this
idea that just because yourchild might be more selective
means that they're broken andnow you have to make it your
(19:12):
life's work to try to fix themor try to get them to eat things
that maybe they're not readyfor.
And this is the problem, thisis the trap that we fall into is
that now, as parents, we putthis pressure on ourselves to
try to get our kids to eatthings that, again, they may not
have the skills for or may notbe ready for, and that can be
very damaging over the long run.
So I really wanted to make surethat we crushed that myth.
(19:35):
Okay, as I'm looking at my listhere, I think what I'm going to
do is split up this episode intotwo, because there's no way I'm
gonna be able to get through mylist here.
So I hope you'll hang with meand thank you for your patience
as I get through thisinformation and I'm realizing
there's a lot to talk about.
So we will split this up.
(19:55):
I will end this episode on onemore myth and then I will do a
part two coming out for you soon.
So I will end with this lastone here, and it's right in line
with the previous myths that wewere talking about and really
there's a lot of overlap here,but really just a reiterate and
the myth here is that parents orcaregivers are to blame for
(20:16):
picky eating.
But again, because picky eatingis not a fault per se, there's
no one or person or thing toblame for it, and this is really
really crucial to understand,to remove any unnecessary
judgment and shame on caregivers, who really are truly doing
their best to care for and feedtheir children, and I can attest
(20:39):
to this, and I know that one ofthe biggest sources of shame
for me as a parent in my earlierparenting years was around
having a child who was a pig earor selective eater, especially
compared to another kid wholoved eating everything and
trying all the different kindsof foods, and that stark
difference really felt like itwas being reflected on me as a
(21:01):
parent and that creates so muchjudgment.
And I think, as parents too, weare taking in everyone's
perception of us, and the way wefeed our kids and the way our
children eat often feel like adirect reflection of us as
parents.
And so because we're constantlybombarded with this negative
that if your kid is anadventurous eater, if they're
(21:22):
eating a ton of variety, thenthat is what will make them
healthy, we are constantly, bynature, alienating a large
percentage of kids who don'tnaturally eat in that way, and
that creates a lot of judgmenttowards their parents and
caregivers, who are just doingthe best they can and navigating
all sorts of differentchallenges around this.
(21:43):
And parents are no more toblame for picky eating in a
child than any other inherentcharacteristic about that child,
and so we want to remember thata child's eating temperament is
the result of many differentfactors, a lot of which is
influenced by genetics andbiology, and these are things
(22:05):
that are not within our realm ofcontrol, and so it's really
important to separate parents asbeing the culprit or again even
creating this idea that, oh,this child's picky, again
something's wrong and who's toblame for this?
Who's to blame for this way ofinteracting with food?
And we really want to removeand challenge the stigma and the
(22:28):
blame around this, because whatparent isn't doing the best
that they can with the resourcesand capacities that they have?
And anytime a parent feels thatshame from causing something in
their child, it only createsmore stress and tension and
difficulty, and this can be ahuge source of power struggles
between a parent and a child,especially when we have a parent
(22:50):
who feels like this is my fault, I am the reason why my child
doesn't want to eat or doesn'twant to try different foods, and
you can really take that heaton yourself, especially when
your child is old enough tostart going to social functions
or being involved in school andyou're directly comparing maybe
not on purpose, but you'reseeing how your child eats
(23:10):
compared to other kids, and thatcan create this feeling of I
didn't do enough or I screwed upor I failed, I somehow got this
wrong because my child doesn'teat like other kids will, and
that's really stressful.
And then again that can causeus to project our emotions and
our fears on our kids, which cancreate stress and power
struggles around the feedingrelationship, where we might be
(23:31):
pressuring our child and subtleor more direct ways to get them
to eat or try to eat in adifferent way that maybe they're
just not ready for.
And, as you can see, this canbecome a really vicious cycle
and we want to avoid theselabels that our kids get smacked
with at really young ages, likepicky eating, you're a picky
eater, or however that comesacross.
(23:52):
I think that can really staywith our kids for years to come
and affect how they feel aboutthemselves, and we have to
remember that the dialogue thatour children hear becomes their
inner dialogue that they havewith themselves, or becomes a
narrative that informs how theythink about themselves or their
bodies or the relationship withfood, and we don't want to cause
(24:13):
our children to feel like theirbodies can't be trusted any
less because they're moreselective or because they have
sensory sensitivities or becausethey have a harder time eating
different foods.
We want them to feel ourunconditional love and
acceptance, however they eat,and that can only come from a
place when we can acceptourselves really as parents,
(24:34):
when we're having a hard timemaybe accepting ourselves and
the things that we do and thethings that maybe we've done as
parents, and realizing that wereally are doing the best that
we can and certain aspects aboutour child, or our children
again, are not necessarilyproblems that need to be fixed
or issues that we have causedfrom different things that we've
done throughout our child'supbringing.
(24:55):
So I just want to emphasize that, because I know a lot of
parents really do carry guiltand shame around having a picky
eater, having a child who's aselective eater and all that
comes with that.
I know there's a lot involved.
There's a lot of planning andthinking and there's this
invisible mental load that wecarry when we're not sure is my
kid going to eat today, are theygoing to eat this, or what do I
(25:16):
have to make or how do I prepthis meal to include something
that they will eat.
I know it's hard.
I truly understand and I'mexcited to delve more into this
series with you and just talkthrough some of these strategies
and approaches and things thatcan help alleviate some of the
stress and shame that you mightbe carrying, because, mama, you
are doing an amazing job.
(25:37):
So next episode, I will makesure that we finish off these
myths and really just challengea lot of these picky eating
beliefs, and then we will delveinto some other topics around
picky eating that are hopefullyhelpful to you if this is
something that's relevant inyour life right now.
So, again, if you have anyquestions or thoughts that you'd
like to share, I'd love to hearfrom you, or if you have myths
(25:58):
that you'd like to see me tackleabout picky eating, please feel
free to send those my way, andI'm just sending you so much
love and gratefulness for yourtime being here with me and
cannot wait to connect with younext week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
(26:19):
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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