September 3, 2023 • 43 mins
Ever felt like you're standing on the battleground every mealtime, with your picky eater child on the opposing side? You might be surprised to uncover that the roots of picky eating can be traced back to our own childhood experiences and narratives. This episode uncovers the deeper issues that influence our reactions to picky eating, urging us to look at our own food traumas and how they affect our attitudes towards our child's eating habits. It's a riveting journey into understanding why picky eating can be so triggering for us as parents, how it impacts our family dynamics, and the significance of acknowledging our own food narratives.
Trigger alert! Dealing with our unresolved food trauma can lead to heightened reactions to our child's picky eating. This episode emphasizes the importance of recognizing our triggers and how understanding our own food story can help us in maneuvering through the maze of selective eating. In addition, we also examine how childhood experiences, neurodivergence, and unmet needs shape our relationship with food and our approach to our children's eating habits. We've also touched upon how our own neurodivergence, or that of our children, can affect our relationship with food, and how our needs as parents can often be overlooked.
This isn’t your regular advice episode. We're looking beyond short-term fixes and focusing more on raising intuitive eaters who can confidently trust their bodies. We're offering some valuable tips on how to create an environment of acceptance and understanding around food. But remember, it's not just about resolving picky eating, but also about understanding our triggers, practicing acceptance, decreasing our alarm responses, attending to our own needs, and giving ourselves grace.
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I so appreciate you taking timeto tune in to these episodes,
(00:44):
so just want to say thank you somuch for being here with me
today.
Over the past few weeks, we havebeen taking a deeper dive into
different topics around pickyeating.
Picky eating can be a hugesource of stress and discomfort
for parents for many reasons,and if you are doing this hard
work of helping and supportingyour kids to have a more
(01:07):
positive experience andrelationship with food, you will
likely come across picky eatingin some form or another, and
today I wanted to take a look atsome of the deeper issues that
influence how we feel aboutpicky eating as parents, and why
is this important?
I feel like this is where a lotof conventional picky eating
(01:27):
advice or recommendationstypically falls short.
Oftentimes, as parents, if youare navigating picky eating or
dealing with a child who is aselective eater, we are looking
for the quick fixes what can Ido to get my child to eat more
variety, or to eat differentfoods, or just to eat more in
general?
(01:48):
And while these questions maybe helpful on a superficial
level, I think we are missingthe deeper things that are more
important in actually helpingour kids develop a more positive
relationship with food, andthat has to do with us, and this
is not the quick fix.
This is not the easy answer,but it's just as important, if
(02:11):
not more important, to thelongevity of how our kids feel
about food and their bodies.
So often, when we're looking toframeworks or feeding guidance
like what do I do in thissituation?
How do I navigate this In orderto achieve a specific outcome
we are missing the deeper, moreimportant things that are
actually necessary for us tohold space for our kids and to
(02:35):
help them internalize a deepmessage of trust.
That trust is so key in thembeing able to learn how to
listen to and honor their bodiesand being able to trust
themselves as the best expertsof what they need.
So many of us, as parents, arecarrying these ingrained
messages that have beeninternalized from childhood that
(02:55):
we can't trust our bodies, thatour bodies are wrong, that our
bodies are problems that need tobe fixed, that there's
something inherently negativeabout our food preferences or
our appetites.
These are the narratives thatso many of us are carrying with
us, and those narratives easilyget projected into how we engage
with our children around foodor relate to them around their
(03:18):
bodies.
And, more than just frameworksor quick feeding fixes, we need
to do the deeper work of how amI showing up in my feeding
relationship with my kids?
What are my attitudes andbehaviors demonstrating to them?
Because those are the thingsthat are going to have a long
term effect on how they feelabout food and their bodies, and
(03:40):
especially when it comes topicky eating.
This is something that so manyof us have been taught is a
problem, whether from ourselvesand our childhood experiences,
or with our own children.
We are approaching it from thislens that this is a problem and
I need to fix it, and I havefound from just my own
experience of having pickyeaters myself and also working
(04:01):
with families who are navigatingpicky eating that when we
approach it from thatperspective, it can actually
create more harm than good.
We can create more powerstruggles between us and our
kids and really deter us frombeing able to create positive
associations around food, whichare essential to helping our
kids develop a healthierrelationship with food overall.
(04:23):
And something I really wanted tofocus on today is why picky
eating can be so triggering andwhen I'm talking about
triggering, I'm talking aboutdistressing feelings that are
coming up for you around the waythat your child may be eating
or may not be eating and thiscan be so valuable to hold space
for and take a deeper look at,because there really are clues
(04:46):
behind our reactions and thefeelings that come up for us
around our child and how ourchild may be eating.
And first I just want to sharea couple things here.
There are many layers to pickyeating.
There are so many differentthings that can be influencing
the way that we're feeling aboutour children and the way that
they eat, especially selectiveeating and there are different
(05:08):
depths to those layers, so somethings can be more surface level
.
Other things can be really deepand connected to deeper trauma
or our own experiences growingup around food that are coming
to the surface when our child isengaging in similar patterns or
behaviors, and so I want tobriefly touch on some of the
(05:28):
things that are here at thesurface before we jump into some
of the deeper things that maybe coming up, and I also would
just like to give a triggerwarning that I will be touching
on or talking about traumarelated to food and body, and so
, if this is something that canbe potentially heavy for you, I
just want to encourage you to dowhatever you need to do to take
(05:50):
care of yourself, and if youneed to skip today's episode,
that's okay.
You can always come back to itwhenever you feel ready or just
when you feel like you're in aplace where you have more
capacity to process some ofthese things.
My hope is that, by creatingmore awareness around this, you
can have some tools toeffectively care for yourself
and be able to show up for yourchild in a way that supports you
(06:11):
to raise an intuitive eater forthe long term.
This is not just about thequick fix.
This is not just about gettingyour child to eat more variety,
but really helping you, beingable to show up for them in the
way that they need you, so thatthey can feel more confident in
themselves and learn toeffectively trust their bodies.
This is something that so manyof us didn't get growing up, and
(06:33):
so I'm hopeful that by talkingthrough some of these things
today, you will have some toolsto be able to support you in not
just giving your child whatthey need, but also learning to
give yourself the things thatyou may have needed but never
received as a child as well.
So first let's talk about pickyeating and why this can be such
a significant source of stress.
(06:54):
There's a lot of differentthings.
I'm just going to briefly talkthrough some of these things,
and also I just want toreiterate that if you are
experiencing stress around howyour child eats, or them being
more selective, or them being apicky eater, I just want to
reassure you that you are notalone.
There are a lot of differentthings and a lot of different
reasons that can make pickyeating a significant source of
(07:17):
stress, and those reasons arevalid.
These concerns are valid.
I never want you to feel likeI'm a bad parent or I'm doing
something wrong or something'swrong with me, because I feel
these things.
These are real reasons and themore we can understand what may
be concerning us, the more weare able to work through those
things to better hold space forour kids.
(07:38):
So some of the things that cancause this stress around picky
eating are just concerns aroundnutrition.
This is a big one that I hearwith a lot of families that I
work with, where parents areworried that their picky eater
is not getting the necessarynutrients for proper growth or
development, and the concernaround your child's health can
be a constant source of stress.
Another one here is just themeal planning and preparation
(08:00):
that's involved with a childwho's more selective around food
.
Picky eaters might requirespecial meal planning and
preparation, or you might feelthe pressure to constantly come
up with new or acceptable mealoptions, which can be time
consuming and stressful all initself, especially if you're
navigating multiple preferencesfor multiple people in your
(08:20):
family.
I know for myself.
We have five kids.
We're a family of seven and twoof our children are highly
selective and that can make itsuper challenging because they
both like different things andwhen we're taking into account
everyone else's food preferences.
That can make it really hard tofigure out what the heck do I
make for dinner tonight theperpetual million dollar
(08:41):
question that comes up everysingle day Super stressful,
right.
So if you're feeling this andyou're feeling that pressure
involved, which is the planningand the preparation that comes
with that, you're not alone.
There's also meal time battles.
So if you have a child who'sjust more resistant to certain
foods, that can lead to battlesaround meal times where now you
(09:01):
find yourself in negotiationsabout try a bite of this, or at
least try this, or take a no,thank you bite, or your child
doesn't want to eat what you'veprepared, even though you
thought they would eat it, andnow you're finding yourself
trying to come up with somethingelse that they would eat.
So the mealtime battles thatcan ensue with picky eating can
lead you to becoming frustratedor just lead to stressful family
(09:25):
mealtimes altogether.
You might also worry about thesocial stigma associated with
picky eating.
You might fear that the wayyour child eats can result in
embarrassment in social circlesor maybe them being judged from
others, which can add to yourstress.
This is especially true aroundschool-aged children.
So if you have a picky eaterwho's going to school and you're
(09:48):
worried about what they'll eat,what they won't eat, or going
to social events where food isinvolved.
This can contribute to asignificant source of stress and
we will be having some upcomingepisodes talking about
school-related issues connectedto eating.
So definitely stay tuned.
I'm going to be doing an episodejust on picky eating and school
(10:08):
lunches and eating at school,so we'll have that coming down
the pipeline here.
But I just wanted to share thisbriefly that the social stigma
around how your child may eatcan be a huge source of stress.
Another source of stress hereis just impact on family
dynamics, and we've kind oftouched on this a little bit.
But picky eating can sometimeslead to family conflict and
(10:29):
tension during meals and thisdisruption in family dynamics
can be emotionally taxing forparents.
Especially if you and yourpartner are disagreeing on how
to approach picky eating in yourchild, that can be a huge
source of tension and conflictand stress.
You might also feel societalpressure to have a child who
eats a wide variety of foods.
(10:50):
This is something that I thinkhas definitely come on the scene
with the rise in social mediaand just a lot of parents
looking to social media foradvice on parenting and feeding
their child.
If you are getting the messagethat your child needs to be an
adventurous eater, that cancause a lot of pressure to raise
a child who does eat a widevariety of food.
(11:12):
And if you have a child who ismore selective, that can make
you feel like you're not meetingthese expectations, which can
lead to a lot of stress andself-doubt.
And somewhat related to this isjust getting messages from
well-meaning family members andprofessionals who might be
commenting on what your childeats or what your child doesn't
eat.
(11:32):
I will say we're gonna talk moreabout this, but picky eating is
often misconstrued as badbehavior.
So if a child is not eatingsomething that you've prepared
or that somebody else isprepared, that can be looked at
as bad manners and unfortunatelythat can add to the stigma
around picky eating.
So all of this can create someadded stress, especially if
(11:53):
you're going somewhere and youknow oh my gosh, I don't know if
my kid's gonna eat what's beingprepared.
That can add to some of thestress that you're feeling.
There also can be just fear ofhealth issues.
Overall, you might worry thatyour child's picky eating is a
sign of an underlying healthissue and the fear of this
undiagnosed problem can bestressful all in itself.
(12:13):
Another issue is just a desireto expand palate.
So I often see this in parentswho are adventurous eaters or
who might consider themselvesfoodies or just really enjoy the
experiences of trying new foodsand having a wide palate and
enjoying multiple differentflavors and cultures.
If you have a child who's apicky eater, this can feel like
(12:36):
a dissonance.
This can feel like a disconnectbetween you and your child and
for so many parents who enjoyfood, having a child who is more
selective around food can feellike you're missing out in a way
of connecting with your childthat you really love or that you
really appreciate.
So when you have a child who'smaybe resistant to trying new
foods and this is something thatyou appreciate and enjoy you
(12:59):
might feel disappointed orstressed or even a layer of
grief or sadness that your childdoesn't appreciate food in the
same way that you do.
Last point I wanna touch on onwhy picky eating can be
potentially stressful is we maybe comparing our child to other
children.
So if you're seeing otherchildren who seemingly are
(13:20):
eating a wide variety of foodsand your child is not, that can
make you feel inadequate or thatyou're failing your child
somehow, which again is addingto the stress that you may be
feeling about your child'seating habits.
And this can be especially trueif you have multiple children.
So it can be really easy tocompare your picky eater to,
(13:40):
let's say, other children thatyou have who are more
adventurous eaters or whowillingly are trying different
foods or who enjoy eating avariety of foods.
It can be really hard to havethose two start contrast and
then again put more pressure onthe child who is more selective
and not eating.
I know I really experienced thiswith my kids and I've shared
(14:03):
this before, but my first childis definitely a more adventurous
eater and when we started outfeeding solids she tried
everything, she loved everything, and even now, as a 13 year old
, she definitely is moreadventurous, and I had no clue
about the different temperamentsthat children have or how their
personalities can affect theirpalates and just all the
(14:24):
different things that go intohow a child eats.
When we first started havingour kids, I just thought that
kids were supposed to likeeating a variety of different
foods.
How naive.
And sure enough, our secondchild is one of my two selective
eaters and she did not eat inthe same way that my older
daughter did, and that just mademe feel so stressed.
(14:45):
I just constantly was feelinglike what did I do wrong?
I'm trying to do all the samethings I did with my first and
yet I have a completelydifferent outcome here.
And the reality is that ourchildren are all built
differently.
They're not going to all likethe same foods, they're not
going to eat in the same way,and for me to hold my children
together in the same light andexpect them to eat and have the
(15:07):
same palette or same preferenceswith food was really harming my
feeding relationship with mypickier eater.
But this is something that'sreally common that can come up,
especially among siblings, orjust comparing your child to how
other kids their age may beeating.
This can add to the stress overyour child's eating habits.
So I wanted to just share thaton the surface level, that if
(15:30):
you're feeling stressed aboutthe way your child eats or find
yourself just worried arounddifferent aspects related to
selective eating in your ownchild, there is likely good
reason for that, and I wanted toshare some of these things to
help normalize some of thethings that may be coming up for
you Now.
I also want to take this onestep deeper, because for many of
(15:50):
us who are navigating our owntrauma around food and our body
or our own childhood experiencesaround food, there can be
things that happen with ourchildren or how our children eat
that can bring some of thatdeep seated pain or unresolved
issues or trauma around food andour body right to the surface.
(16:11):
And this is why I think it'sreally important again to pay
attention to this, becausetriggers are clues.
They're important leads tothose wounded parts of us that
still need healing and still areimportant to address in order
to be able to engage with ourchild in a meaningful way around
food and their bodies.
(16:31):
And essentially, we cannotshift out of cycles of food
guilt and body shame anddistrust around food and our
bodies if we are not addressingthese pain points within
ourselves.
I wanted to read you this quoteby Dr Bessel Vander Kolk, who
is the author of the book theBody Keeps the Score and an
(16:52):
expert on trauma, and he sharesthat trauma comes back as a
reaction, not a memory, and Ithink this is so key for us to
understand as parents.
If you are finding yourselfhaving intense reactions to your
child around food, especiallyaround picky eating.
That's the focus of our topictoday, although I will just say,
(17:13):
if you are finding yourselfhaving strong reactions to your
child in various differentthings whether it's their
behavior or other aspects offood or their body size these
are important things to payattention to and when I'm
talking about a reaction, I'mtalking about something that may
be coming up in your body thatcan be disproportionate to the
situation at hand.
(17:34):
So if you find yourselfreacting to your child's picky
eating let's say your child isrefusing to eat something that
you've prepared for them orthey're only eating one
particular food item from thefood that you've provided and
that's stirring up something inyou, you might find yourself
angry, you might find yourselffrustrated or you might find a
lot of distress rising up inyour body.
(17:55):
These are important things topay attention to because they
can be indicative of deeperthings that still need some TLC,
that still need some care andattention, and when we can have
more awareness around some ofthese things and why they're
coming up for us again, itallows us to work through those
things and to show up for ourchild in a healed manner when
(18:17):
we're not projecting ourwoundedness on our kids, which
can interfere with their feedingabilities and how they feel
about food and how they feelabout their bodies, and so many
of us are carrying the wounds ofcaregivers before us who
projected their discomfort ortheir anger, or things that they
were dealing with, on us.
We internalize those things and, unless we work through them,
(18:40):
we run the risk of projectingthose things to our children,
and that is what cycles on andperpetuates the cycle of food,
guilt and body shame, and so wehave to be willing to do the
hard work of looking at what'scoming up for us.
What is this a sign of Like?
What is servicing for me, andhow can I give myself what I
(19:01):
need to help myself work throughthis?
So many of us are used to justshoving down our own feelings,
our own thoughts, our own needsand emotions in effort to
protect ourselves, because thatcan be a coping mechanism too,
where we felt like it's not safefor me to show my feelings, and
I really just want to encourageyou, as we're talking through
some of these things, to justpay attention to what resonates
(19:24):
with you, what is stirringsomething in yourself, and that
can be a sign of something thatmay need some more love and care
and attention because you aredeserving of it, and being able
to work through these things canbe one of the most powerful
gifts that you can give yourchildren, especially if you have
a kiddo who is a selectiveeater.
Because, again, we want tobreak that stigma.
(19:44):
We don't want our children tointernalize a belief that how
they eat is wrong.
There are so many factors thatare influencing the way that
your child eats, and manychildren who are selective are
dealing with sensorysensitivities or different
temperaments or underlyinganxiety, or maybe neurodivergent
, and are approaching andnavigating food in a way that
(20:07):
feels safest for them.
And we don't want our childrento feel like the way they eat is
a problem that needs to befixed, because again, they can
start to build this narrativethat something's wrong with me
or I can't trust myself or Ican't trust my body.
So, however, our child's eating, whatever discomfort that's
bringing up for us, that is ourwork to do.
(20:28):
Those are our responsibility tocarry and work through, not our
child's.
So, with that in mind, I wantedto talk through some common
areas that can be beneath thereactions or the triggers that
you may be experiencing when itcomes to selective eating, so
I've broken these up into a fewdifferent categories here, one
(20:49):
being related to food trauma,one around neurodivergence and
one just touching on the manyunmet needs that we may be
experiencing as parents overall,and so the biggest area that I
have here circles around foodtrauma, and again, I feel like I
never have enough time to go asdeep as I want to on some of
these topics.
So if there is something I'msharing that is resonating with
(21:12):
you and that you would like moreinformation about, please feel
free to connect with me and letme know.
I would love to know what'sresonating with you so that I
can bring you more content andresources around that.
But one thing I want to talkabout first is just trauma
around food and our bodies andchildhood and how that can
surface with our own selectiveeaters.
So there is a phenomenon calledparallel processing, and that is
(21:37):
something that I think can bereally helpful to understand as
a parent, where you may besimultaneously experiencing and
reacting to a situation whilealso re-experiencing aspects of
a past traumatic event orsituation.
So in the context of feeding apicky eater, you may find that,
in response to your child'spicky eating, that you are not
(21:58):
only dealing with the presentsituation and all the different
stressors that we mentionedinvolved with that, but that
you're also reprocessing anyunresolved past traumas related
to food or your body.
So this parallel processing canlead to a heightened emotional
response, which is why you mightbe feeling like your reaction
(22:18):
to the way your child's eatingcan feel a little bit
disproportionate to thesituation, and really what's
happening is that there is a lotof emotional overlap here.
So the emotions that you mayassociate with your own
childhood food trauma canoverlap with any current
feelings that you may have aboutyour child's picky eating and
again this can lead to thoseintensified reactions such as
(22:41):
anxiety or frustration, or youmay even have flashbacks to any
of your own traumaticexperiences around food or your
body or meal times in your ownchildhood, and this of course,
has a huge impact on parentingand, again, how we show up in
feeding our kids.
So any parallel processing ofyour own childhood food trauma
can influence how you'reresponding to your child's picky
(23:04):
eating or just your child inany food related situation,
which again may cause ussometimes to unintentionally
project this emotional baggageon our kids, and especially for
kids who are selective eaters,this can sometimes exacerbate
the situation.
This is something I'vedefinitely experienced myself
and have also heard from clientsthat I've worked with to who
(23:26):
have just shared with me theintense anger or frustration
that comes up when their childis rejecting a certain food or a
meal that's been prepared andit can feel like such intense
reaction to it and really it'skind of your brain trying to
deal with two different thingsat the same time, and I want to
give you some examples just toconsider to reflect upon.
And this is where it can behelpful to understand your own
(23:49):
food story and I did a podcastepisode last year about
understanding your food storyand I will link to that in the
show notes for you.
But this is where we want tokind of assess and look at what
are the potential areas thatcould have been traumatic for me
around food or my body, andthis is why I think it can be so
helpful to look with moreawareness into our triggers and
(24:12):
into the reactions that aresurfacing for us.
For example, I've had parentstell me the intense anger or
frustration they feel aroundfood waste, like if I've made
all this food and my childliterally only wants to eat a
piece of bread and nothing elsethe fact that we're wasting all
of this food is so maddening tome.
I feel so angry.
Or having a child rejectsomething that you have made for
(24:34):
them can also intensify thosesame type of feelings.
So I want you to think aboutmaybe having a tough time with
food as a kid, and this cansurface in many different ways.
Food insecurity is food trauma,so maybe you worried about not
having enough to eat as a kid,or this could look like
different things too.
Maybe you experienced verbalabuse around how you ate as a
(24:57):
child, or were forced to eateverything on your plate and
weren't allowed to leave thetable unless you did, or maybe
just meal times in general werereally stressful and tense.
Maybe there was a lot ofconflict around meal times,
around food as a family and as achild.
It's really hard to navigatethose types of situations, and
so I just want you to think ofsome of the areas that can be
(25:19):
influencing how you felt aboutfood or how you experienced food
as a child and what happenswhen we become parents ourselves
.
There's this intense desire towant to do things differently
with our children, and I hearthis, and this is, I know, why
you're listening to this episodetoday.
You want to make sure that yourchild has a good relationship
with food and that they don'texperience the same things that
(25:41):
you did, and this is where theparallel processing can come in.
So let's say you have a childwho is selective with food.
It can bring up those oldmemories and worries from when
you were a kid.
So, again, not only are youdealing with your child's picky
eating, but your brain is alsobringing back all these old
feelings and memories andexperiences from your own
(26:03):
childhood around food.
And this is where things canbecome more complicated and
emotional for you as a parent,because you're handling both
your child's eating habits andyour past experiences with food
at the same time.
It's really like trying tojuggle two different things,
which can be really challenging.
So, really, any experience thatyou've had around food or your
(26:25):
body, especially in yourchildhood years, that proved to
be unsafe for you, can resurfacein similar situations, and what
that does is it sets off thealarms in your head or in your
body where you are starting tofeel unsafe in that similar
situation, even though it's acompletely different
(26:45):
circumstance.
So, even though it's likeyou're with your family, you're
in your home, you're with yourchildren, you're not in that
traumatic situation as a childanymore, it can still feel
unsafe, that same feeling of I'mnot safe, I'm not in a safe
situation.
Again, even though you're underdifferent circumstances, it's
like our brain, being triggered,is now mixing up the past and
(27:08):
the present and, even thoughpresently we are in different
situations, it's like we'reseeing it through the lens of
our past experiences and, again,anything that created any
feelings of unsafety in yourbody or around food.
And I do want to reiterate thateverybody's experience of
trauma is different.
This is something I've heardfrom a lot of parents that I've
(27:30):
worked with and spoke to aboutthis.
It's easy to undermine your owntraumatic experiences in
comparison to what other peoplehave been through, where you
might say, oh, it's not that badcompared to what somebody else
has gone through, it really wasnothing.
However, it's important toremember that what you have been
through and any event that feltsignificant to you plays a role
(27:52):
in your upbringing and yourrelationship with food and your
body, and anything that put youin a situation where you felt
helpless or out of control canbe traumatic, and you don't want
to undermine your ownexperiences by dismissing
anything that you've beenthrough and having awareness or
looking back at any past traumais not to victimize yourself but
just to see the bigger pictureof what you've been through and
(28:14):
the role that it can be playingin your present life Again,
because any unresolved traumaour bodies do not forget, our
bodies hold onto it and itresurfaces in those similar
situations via parallelprocessing.
So, as an example, let me giveyou some practical examples,
especially when it comes topicky eating.
So if you were ever shamed forleaving food behind or refusing
(28:38):
to eat because something thatyou were served felt unsafe to
you or not palatable forwhatever reason, and you were
shamed for that experience, oryou were made to feel guilty or
told that you were acting out orhad bad behavior because you
weren't complying with what wasexpected of you around food,
that can cause thoseinternalized feelings that
(29:00):
listening to my body is bad or Ican't trust my body or I'm
doing something wrong aroundfood or eating.
So if you're now navigating thesituation with your own child
and your child is leaving foodbehind or your child is refusing
to eat and you've had thatexperience, that can set off the
alarms that something is wrong,something is bad here, there's
(29:22):
something that's not right andit needs to be fixed, but that's
a very likely tied to yourexperience in that similar
situation in your own upbringing.
Another example that I wanted totalk about that I know many of
you might be able to relate tois having an eating disorder
history and what that may havelooked like, especially if this
(29:43):
happened or began in yourchildhood years.
So for many individuals whohave struggled with an eating
disorder, this is registered astrauma in your body.
If you're not getting enoughfood, whether it's unintentional
or intentional, your bodydoesn't know the difference.
It's just your body knows thatit's not getting enough of what
it needs and that restrictioncomponent and piece that's
(30:05):
connected to eating disorderscan often be very triggering if
we see any component of it beingdisplayed in our children, even
if our children are notnecessarily engaging in an
eating disorder behavior.
But let's say that your childis refusing to eat and that can
bring up feelings of maybe youintentionally restricting at
some point in your childhood,maybe that was connected to your
(30:28):
eating disorder, and that canbring up a lot of intensity of
anxiety, scarcity around food orjust a feeling that food is
unsafe or that your body is anunsafe place.
So, as you can see and theseare just brief examples.
We can definitely go deeper intoall of these, but there's a lot
of connections into ourexperiences around food,
(30:49):
especially in our childhoodupbringing, and how these can be
triggered and brought to thesurface in various ways that our
child engages around food.
So something to consider,especially if you find yourself
having strong reactions to howyour child is eating, especially
in the picky eating slash,selective eating realm.
So there's two other areas thatI want to talk about briefly.
(31:11):
I will likely do separateepisodes on these altogether
because there's a lot to sayabout these, but these are just
other areas that can also bringup some unresolved trauma that
may be resurfacing in the waythat you're engaging around food
with your child or how yourchild is eating.
So one is being neurodivergenteither you or your child or both
(31:32):
, and oftentimes, if there's aneurodivergent parent, there is
often neurodivergence inchildren as well, because there
is a strong genetic component,but this can play a role in how
a child relates to food.
So, for example, I have twoADHDers who have strong sensory
sensitivities.
The different way that theirbrains learn and process
(31:54):
information also plays a role inhow they eat and their eating
behaviors and habits and theirfood preferences.
There's a strong connectionthere and I know also from many
of us growing up.
There may have been thoseexisting things there too that
our caregivers or our parentshad no idea about, and maybe we
(32:14):
were forced to eat certainthings where, sensory wise, we
had a strong aversion to, ormaybe there was some sensory
overwhelm or overstimulationwhere certain eating
environments were verytriggering or difficult for us
to handle and creating somenegative association around food
and our bodies.
And this often surfaces in thisrealm where your child may be
(32:37):
exhibiting some of thosebehaviors that maybe you had as
a kid, that weren't paidattention to or that were
dismissed or undermined orignored or perhaps associated
with bad behavior.
Oh, they're just acting out orthey're just doing this or that.
There's something wrong and notreally being understood for the
person that you are and how yourbrain functions and how you
(33:00):
move through and experience theworld.
This is often playing out inour relationship with food and
again, we can definitely go intothis topic in more depth and I
will definitely be doing somemore episodes around this, but
just something I wanted you toconsider too.
If you are neurodivergent, youhave a neurodivergent child and
there are things coming upbecause of that.
(33:20):
It can bring up some deepseated feelings around your own
experience of moving through theworld in similar ways as a kid,
or seeing your child maybestruggle with things that you
did that maybe you never hadcare or attention for.
One last thing that I want tomention too is just dealing with
unmet needs, especially as aparent and a mother.
(33:40):
So often as mothers we ignorethe needs that we have and it's
easy to put the things that weneed to the back burner.
And this can also be a learnedbehavior of moving through your
life, feeling like your needswere unimportant and so you kept
them aside.
Or maybe you learned to ignoreyour needs because it felt
unsafe to share what you needed.
(34:01):
Or there's fear of rejection,like if I share what I need and
nobody responds to that in aresponsive way, what's the point
?
So this can often surface withpicky eating, and one strong way
that I see it is with foodrejection.
So I often see a lot of motherswho are being very intentional
about preparing food for theirkids, and when you have a
(34:22):
selective eater who is rejectingwhat you've prepared, it can
feel like a personal rejection.
It can feel like this issomething that's a direct
reflection of me and who I amLike.
My child is not just rejectingmy food, they are rejecting me,
and that can cause a lot ofunmet needs to surface to you,
but things that have likely beenthere and have been sitting
(34:45):
there and are now beingtriggered by an eating behavior
that your child is engaging in,and so this is something that
can surface to you, andoftentimes your child rejecting
food and you feeling angry aboutthat is not related to your
child's picky eating, but likelyrelated to deeper unmet needs
that you have that are worthy ofbeing met but then have likely
(35:07):
been ignored for years or longer.
So that's something I want youto think about too, and again,
we will likely come back andrevisit this topic, because this
is something that we can oftenfeel as moms and something that
is important to look at andaddress.
To wrap up this episode, I justwant to give you a blueprint of
things that you can do if youfind yourself feeling triggered
(35:29):
by how your child's eating,especially if you're dealing
with picky eating or selectiveeating and finding it difficult
to manage all the variousreactions that are coming up in
your body.
So if you've been listening forany length of time.
You know I have a love ofalliterations and I'm giving you
five steps here that I'll startwith the letter A, just to make
(35:50):
it easy for you to remember,and I just want you to keep in
mind that this is a lifelongpractice.
This is not something that wehave really necessarily learned
how to do, and it's somethingthat I think we will continue to
need to practice over thecourse of our life, especially
as parents.
So please give yourself grace,as you're listening to this and
just knowing that theinformation that you're taking
(36:12):
in and marinating on the thingsthat you're learning are all
important in helping you shiftout of these generational cycles
.
So if you're feeling triggeredand don't know what to do with
that emotion, here's some thingsto think about.
Step number one awareness.
Just having awareness of whatyou're feeling and how that
feels in your body is so key.
We are so used to just reactingto situations that we really
(36:37):
don't even have time tounderstand what is coming up for
us, what we're feeling, to nameit, to experience it, to know
what it feels like in our bodies, and so one of the really most
powerful things you can do isjust to lean in with curiosity
and awareness.
What is coming up for you inthese situations where you
notice yourself feelingtriggered or having intense
(36:59):
reactions to how your child iseating.
Step number two is practice.
Acceptance, or another way tolook at this, is extending
self-compassion to yourself,knowing that there are many
different layered experiencesthat are playing a role into how
you're feeling, and havingcompassion for yourself is so
(37:20):
key.
We cannot move through ourfeelings in a productive way if
we are shaming ourself for howwe're feeling, and I know it can
feel like that as a parent.
If you're feeling angry towardsyour child for how they're
eating, that can feel reallyintense and really bring up
feelings of failure, like I'mdoing wrong by my child.
(37:40):
But just to understand numberone, I'm feeling this for a
reason and number two, I'm okayto have this feeling can make it
so much easier for you to movethrough it.
So practicing that element ofself-compassion.
Number three is alarm, and whatI mean by this is decreasing
your alarm or being able to movethrough your stress response.
(38:02):
So many of us react to ourchildren and this is coming from
a place of unresolved trauma orunmet needs and our reaction is
causing us to feel dysregulated.
It's causing our stressresponses to come out in full
force, and so what can behelpful is grounding yourself
and reminding yourself thatyou're not in that same
(38:24):
situation that may have beentraumatic or triggering in your
past, and finding ways to begrounded to allow yourself to
move through it, withoutpotentially resorting to
maladaptive coping mechanisms.
To get through that andoftentimes that's what's
happening.
When our nervous systems areflooded, we are responding in
ways that can be maladaptive,but they're ways that we've
(38:47):
learned to cope and learned tosurvive.
But this can involve thingslike dissociating or shutting
down or fleeing the situations,like you can't even be present
because you're so overwhelmed byit.
Whatever your default responseis, again, give yourself grace,
because that's how you learn tosurvive something that felt
overwhelming.
But just finding ways to groundyourself, to help yourself know
(39:08):
that you're safe in your body,you're safe in your surroundings
and that you will be okay, canhelp prevent you from engaging
in behaviors that maybe aren'tas helpful or from potentially
projecting some of thoseemotions onto your children.
Fourth step is learning toattend to yourself and to your
needs, and again, this is areally big topic in itself and a
(39:31):
really challenging one,especially if you've learned to
ignore what you need over thecourse of your life.
However, just asking thequestion, what do I need or what
did I need?
When you can start to make someof the connections between your
triggers and past wounds orpast traumas around food or your
body, it can be really powerfulto ask that question what did I
(39:54):
need back then?
What did I need?
As that child sitting at thetable feeling overwhelmed, not
wanting to eat, not feeling safearound food or eating
experiences, or being worried Iwouldn't have enough to eat,
what are some things that youmay have needed during those
times or during those moments?
Because that can be a clue asto what you still need now and
(40:15):
you can start to learn how togive those things to yourself
now in different ways.
And again, this is a biggertopic that we can definitely
continue to explore together,but something that I wanted you
to at least start thinking about, last but not least, is
addressing, so learning toaddress, any deeper wounds or
traumas that are surfacing foryou, and this can look different
(40:39):
for different people and thiscan happen in many different
ways.
There's no one right way forhealing, but if you've
identified that, yeah, you knowwhat?
I think there are some thingsthere that I need to work
through or that I want to workthrough so that I can show up in
a healed way for my children.
That is a beautiful realizationand it can also be hard too,
(40:59):
like where do I even start?
And there's so many differentways to do this.
But certainly working with aprofessional can be very helpful
, just being able to talkthrough.
There's also differentmodalities of therapy and
healing that can promote traumahealing, and this is something
that I'm hoping we can talkabout more in upcoming episodes.
But just know that there aremany different resources out
(41:19):
there and I think sometimes justtaking that first step and
asking for help is so brave andit can be so tough too.
And if you're looking for moresupport but aren't sure where to
start, you can always connectwith me.
I would love to see how I mightbe able to help you or at least
connect you to resources thatcan support you along your way.
And just to give a little plugto our free virtual support
(41:40):
group and community Lift theShame.
We are a group of mothers ineating disorder recovery who
come together monthly and itreally is such a beautiful
community and this can be aspace to come and just find that
nurturing space to talk aboutsome of the unique challenges or
stressors that are coming upfor you, and knowing that you're
not alone can truly be such apowerful step in alleviating the
(42:04):
shame and the isolation thatyou might be carrying through
some of these things.
So I will link to that group inthe show notes too.
If you're looking for communityor just more support around this
, I hope this has been helpfulfor you, or just an invitation
to look a little deeper Again.
I think when it comes to pickyeating, we're so used to just
going into action mode and justtrying to figure out frameworks
(42:25):
or how do I fix this, withoutreally looking at some of the
deeper things that are happeningfor us and understanding why we
are showing up, the way we arewith our kids around food and
how that might be playing a rolein how our kids feel about food
and their bodies.
So, as always, I so appreciateyou showing up and being here
and listening and tuning in withcuriosity and if there's any
(42:46):
way that I can help support youor just further this
conversation, please connectwith me.
I would love to hear from you.
Hello, at crystalcargiscom, wewill hopefully get to reconvene
this conversation and have moretopics around shifting the cycle
of food guilt and body shame sothat you can live and enjoy
your family and freedom.
(43:07):
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atcrystalcargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I so appreciate you taking timeto tune in to these episodes,
(00:44):
so just want to say thank you somuch for being here with me
today.
Over the past few weeks, we havebeen taking a deeper dive into
different topics around pickyeating.
Picky eating can be a hugesource of stress and discomfort
for parents for many reasons,and if you are doing this hard
work of helping and supportingyour kids to have a more
(01:07):
positive experience andrelationship with food, you will
likely come across picky eatingin some form or another, and
today I wanted to take a look atsome of the deeper issues that
influence how we feel aboutpicky eating as parents, and why
is this important?
I feel like this is where a lotof conventional picky eating
(01:27):
advice or recommendationstypically falls short.
Oftentimes, as parents, if youare navigating picky eating or
dealing with a child who is aselective eater, we are looking
for the quick fixes what can Ido to get my child to eat more
variety, or to eat differentfoods, or just to eat more in
general?
(01:48):
And while these questions maybe helpful on a superficial
level, I think we are missingthe deeper things that are more
important in actually helpingour kids develop a more positive
relationship with food, andthat has to do with us, and this
is not the quick fix.
This is not the easy answer,but it's just as important, if
(02:11):
not more important, to thelongevity of how our kids feel
about food and their bodies.
So often, when we're looking toframeworks or feeding guidance
like what do I do in thissituation?
How do I navigate this In orderto achieve a specific outcome
we are missing the deeper, moreimportant things that are
actually necessary for us tohold space for our kids and to
(02:35):
help them internalize a deepmessage of trust.
That trust is so key in thembeing able to learn how to
listen to and honor their bodiesand being able to trust
themselves as the best expertsof what they need.
So many of us, as parents, arecarrying these ingrained
messages that have beeninternalized from childhood that
(02:55):
we can't trust our bodies, thatour bodies are wrong, that our
bodies are problems that need tobe fixed, that there's
something inherently negativeabout our food preferences or
our appetites.
These are the narratives thatso many of us are carrying with
us, and those narratives easilyget projected into how we engage
with our children around foodor relate to them around their
(03:18):
bodies.
And, more than just frameworksor quick feeding fixes, we need
to do the deeper work of how amI showing up in my feeding
relationship with my kids?
What are my attitudes andbehaviors demonstrating to them?
Because those are the thingsthat are going to have a long
term effect on how they feelabout food and their bodies, and
(03:40):
especially when it comes topicky eating.
This is something that so manyof us have been taught is a
problem, whether from ourselvesand our childhood experiences,
or with our own children.
We are approaching it from thislens that this is a problem and
I need to fix it, and I havefound from just my own
experience of having pickyeaters myself and also working
(04:01):
with families who are navigatingpicky eating that when we
approach it from thatperspective, it can actually
create more harm than good.
We can create more powerstruggles between us and our
kids and really deter us frombeing able to create positive
associations around food, whichare essential to helping our
kids develop a healthierrelationship with food overall.
(04:23):
And something I really wanted tofocus on today is why picky
eating can be so triggering andwhen I'm talking about
triggering, I'm talking aboutdistressing feelings that are
coming up for you around the waythat your child may be eating
or may not be eating and thiscan be so valuable to hold space
for and take a deeper look at,because there really are clues
(04:46):
behind our reactions and thefeelings that come up for us
around our child and how ourchild may be eating.
And first I just want to sharea couple things here.
There are many layers to pickyeating.
There are so many differentthings that can be influencing
the way that we're feeling aboutour children and the way that
they eat, especially selectiveeating and there are different
(05:08):
depths to those layers, so somethings can be more surface level
.
Other things can be really deepand connected to deeper trauma
or our own experiences growingup around food that are coming
to the surface when our child isengaging in similar patterns or
behaviors, and so I want tobriefly touch on some of the
(05:28):
things that are here at thesurface before we jump into some
of the deeper things that maybe coming up, and I also would
just like to give a triggerwarning that I will be touching
on or talking about traumarelated to food and body, and so
, if this is something that canbe potentially heavy for you, I
just want to encourage you to dowhatever you need to do to take
(05:50):
care of yourself, and if youneed to skip today's episode,
that's okay.
You can always come back to itwhenever you feel ready or just
when you feel like you're in aplace where you have more
capacity to process some ofthese things.
My hope is that, by creatingmore awareness around this, you
can have some tools toeffectively care for yourself
and be able to show up for yourchild in a way that supports you
(06:11):
to raise an intuitive eater forthe long term.
This is not just about thequick fix.
This is not just about gettingyour child to eat more variety,
but really helping you, beingable to show up for them in the
way that they need you, so thatthey can feel more confident in
themselves and learn toeffectively trust their bodies.
This is something that so manyof us didn't get growing up, and
(06:33):
so I'm hopeful that by talkingthrough some of these things
today, you will have some toolsto be able to support you in not
just giving your child whatthey need, but also learning to
give yourself the things thatyou may have needed but never
received as a child as well.
So first let's talk about pickyeating and why this can be such
a significant source of stress.
(06:54):
There's a lot of differentthings.
I'm just going to briefly talkthrough some of these things,
and also I just want toreiterate that if you are
experiencing stress around howyour child eats, or them being
more selective, or them being apicky eater, I just want to
reassure you that you are notalone.
There are a lot of differentthings and a lot of different
reasons that can make pickyeating a significant source of
(07:17):
stress, and those reasons arevalid.
These concerns are valid.
I never want you to feel likeI'm a bad parent or I'm doing
something wrong or something'swrong with me, because I feel
these things.
These are real reasons and themore we can understand what may
be concerning us, the more weare able to work through those
things to better hold space forour kids.
(07:38):
So some of the things that cancause this stress around picky
eating are just concerns aroundnutrition.
This is a big one that I hearwith a lot of families that I
work with, where parents areworried that their picky eater
is not getting the necessarynutrients for proper growth or
development, and the concernaround your child's health can
be a constant source of stress.
Another one here is just themeal planning and preparation
(08:00):
that's involved with a childwho's more selective around food
.
Picky eaters might requirespecial meal planning and
preparation, or you might feelthe pressure to constantly come
up with new or acceptable mealoptions, which can be time
consuming and stressful all initself, especially if you're
navigating multiple preferencesfor multiple people in your
(08:20):
family.
I know for myself.
We have five kids.
We're a family of seven and twoof our children are highly
selective and that can make itsuper challenging because they
both like different things andwhen we're taking into account
everyone else's food preferences.
That can make it really hard tofigure out what the heck do I
make for dinner tonight theperpetual million dollar
(08:41):
question that comes up everysingle day Super stressful,
right.
So if you're feeling this andyou're feeling that pressure
involved, which is the planningand the preparation that comes
with that, you're not alone.
There's also meal time battles.
So if you have a child who'sjust more resistant to certain
foods, that can lead to battlesaround meal times where now you
(09:01):
find yourself in negotiationsabout try a bite of this, or at
least try this, or take a no,thank you bite, or your child
doesn't want to eat what you'veprepared, even though you
thought they would eat it, andnow you're finding yourself
trying to come up with somethingelse that they would eat.
So the mealtime battles thatcan ensue with picky eating can
lead you to becoming frustratedor just lead to stressful family
(09:25):
mealtimes altogether.
You might also worry about thesocial stigma associated with
picky eating.
You might fear that the wayyour child eats can result in
embarrassment in social circlesor maybe them being judged from
others, which can add to yourstress.
This is especially true aroundschool-aged children.
So if you have a picky eaterwho's going to school and you're
(09:48):
worried about what they'll eat,what they won't eat, or going
to social events where food isinvolved.
This can contribute to asignificant source of stress and
we will be having some upcomingepisodes talking about
school-related issues connectedto eating.
So definitely stay tuned.
I'm going to be doing an episodejust on picky eating and school
(10:08):
lunches and eating at school,so we'll have that coming down
the pipeline here.
But I just wanted to share thisbriefly that the social stigma
around how your child may eatcan be a huge source of stress.
Another source of stress hereis just impact on family
dynamics, and we've kind oftouched on this a little bit.
But picky eating can sometimeslead to family conflict and
(10:29):
tension during meals and thisdisruption in family dynamics
can be emotionally taxing forparents.
Especially if you and yourpartner are disagreeing on how
to approach picky eating in yourchild, that can be a huge
source of tension and conflictand stress.
You might also feel societalpressure to have a child who
eats a wide variety of foods.
(10:50):
This is something that I thinkhas definitely come on the scene
with the rise in social mediaand just a lot of parents
looking to social media foradvice on parenting and feeding
their child.
If you are getting the messagethat your child needs to be an
adventurous eater, that cancause a lot of pressure to raise
a child who does eat a widevariety of food.
(11:12):
And if you have a child who ismore selective, that can make
you feel like you're not meetingthese expectations, which can
lead to a lot of stress andself-doubt.
And somewhat related to this isjust getting messages from
well-meaning family members andprofessionals who might be
commenting on what your childeats or what your child doesn't
eat.
(11:32):
I will say we're gonna talk moreabout this, but picky eating is
often misconstrued as badbehavior.
So if a child is not eatingsomething that you've prepared
or that somebody else isprepared, that can be looked at
as bad manners and unfortunatelythat can add to the stigma
around picky eating.
So all of this can create someadded stress, especially if
(11:53):
you're going somewhere and youknow oh my gosh, I don't know if
my kid's gonna eat what's beingprepared.
That can add to some of thestress that you're feeling.
There also can be just fear ofhealth issues.
Overall, you might worry thatyour child's picky eating is a
sign of an underlying healthissue and the fear of this
undiagnosed problem can bestressful all in itself.
(12:13):
Another issue is just a desireto expand palate.
So I often see this in parentswho are adventurous eaters or
who might consider themselvesfoodies or just really enjoy the
experiences of trying new foodsand having a wide palate and
enjoying multiple differentflavors and cultures.
If you have a child who's apicky eater, this can feel like
(12:36):
a dissonance.
This can feel like a disconnectbetween you and your child and
for so many parents who enjoyfood, having a child who is more
selective around food can feellike you're missing out in a way
of connecting with your childthat you really love or that you
really appreciate.
So when you have a child who'smaybe resistant to trying new
foods and this is something thatyou appreciate and enjoy you
(12:59):
might feel disappointed orstressed or even a layer of
grief or sadness that your childdoesn't appreciate food in the
same way that you do.
Last point I wanna touch on onwhy picky eating can be
potentially stressful is we maybe comparing our child to other
children.
So if you're seeing otherchildren who seemingly are
(13:20):
eating a wide variety of foodsand your child is not, that can
make you feel inadequate or thatyou're failing your child
somehow, which again is addingto the stress that you may be
feeling about your child'seating habits.
And this can be especially trueif you have multiple children.
So it can be really easy tocompare your picky eater to,
(13:40):
let's say, other children thatyou have who are more
adventurous eaters or whowillingly are trying different
foods or who enjoy eating avariety of foods.
It can be really hard to havethose two start contrast and
then again put more pressure onthe child who is more selective
and not eating.
I know I really experienced thiswith my kids and I've shared
(14:03):
this before, but my first childis definitely a more adventurous
eater and when we started outfeeding solids she tried
everything, she loved everything, and even now, as a 13 year old
, she definitely is moreadventurous, and I had no clue
about the different temperamentsthat children have or how their
personalities can affect theirpalates and just all the
(14:24):
different things that go intohow a child eats.
When we first started havingour kids, I just thought that
kids were supposed to likeeating a variety of different
foods.
How naive.
And sure enough, our secondchild is one of my two selective
eaters and she did not eat inthe same way that my older
daughter did, and that just mademe feel so stressed.
(14:45):
I just constantly was feelinglike what did I do wrong?
I'm trying to do all the samethings I did with my first and
yet I have a completelydifferent outcome here.
And the reality is that ourchildren are all built
differently.
They're not going to all likethe same foods, they're not
going to eat in the same way,and for me to hold my children
together in the same light andexpect them to eat and have the
(15:07):
same palette or same preferenceswith food was really harming my
feeding relationship with mypickier eater.
But this is something that'sreally common that can come up,
especially among siblings, orjust comparing your child to how
other kids their age may beeating.
This can add to the stress overyour child's eating habits.
So I wanted to just share thaton the surface level, that if
(15:30):
you're feeling stressed aboutthe way your child eats or find
yourself just worried arounddifferent aspects related to
selective eating in your ownchild, there is likely good
reason for that, and I wanted toshare some of these things to
help normalize some of thethings that may be coming up for
you Now.
I also want to take this onestep deeper, because for many of
(15:50):
us who are navigating our owntrauma around food and our body
or our own childhood experiencesaround food, there can be
things that happen with ourchildren or how our children eat
that can bring some of thatdeep seated pain or unresolved
issues or trauma around food andour body right to the surface.
(16:11):
And this is why I think it'sreally important again to pay
attention to this, becausetriggers are clues.
They're important leads tothose wounded parts of us that
still need healing and still areimportant to address in order
to be able to engage with ourchild in a meaningful way around
food and their bodies.
(16:31):
And essentially, we cannotshift out of cycles of food
guilt and body shame anddistrust around food and our
bodies if we are not addressingthese pain points within
ourselves.
I wanted to read you this quoteby Dr Bessel Vander Kolk, who
is the author of the book theBody Keeps the Score and an
(16:52):
expert on trauma, and he sharesthat trauma comes back as a
reaction, not a memory, and Ithink this is so key for us to
understand as parents.
If you are finding yourselfhaving intense reactions to your
child around food, especiallyaround picky eating.
That's the focus of our topictoday, although I will just say,
(17:13):
if you are finding yourselfhaving strong reactions to your
child in various differentthings whether it's their
behavior or other aspects offood or their body size these
are important things to payattention to and when I'm
talking about a reaction, I'mtalking about something that may
be coming up in your body thatcan be disproportionate to the
situation at hand.
(17:34):
So if you find yourselfreacting to your child's picky
eating let's say your child isrefusing to eat something that
you've prepared for them orthey're only eating one
particular food item from thefood that you've provided and
that's stirring up something inyou, you might find yourself
angry, you might find yourselffrustrated or you might find a
lot of distress rising up inyour body.
(17:55):
These are important things topay attention to because they
can be indicative of deeperthings that still need some TLC,
that still need some care andattention, and when we can have
more awareness around some ofthese things and why they're
coming up for us again, itallows us to work through those
things and to show up for ourchild in a healed manner when
(18:17):
we're not projecting ourwoundedness on our kids, which
can interfere with their feedingabilities and how they feel
about food and how they feelabout their bodies, and so many
of us are carrying the wounds ofcaregivers before us who
projected their discomfort ortheir anger, or things that they
were dealing with, on us.
We internalize those things and, unless we work through them,
(18:40):
we run the risk of projectingthose things to our children,
and that is what cycles on andperpetuates the cycle of food,
guilt and body shame, and so wehave to be willing to do the
hard work of looking at what'scoming up for us.
What is this a sign of Like?
What is servicing for me, andhow can I give myself what I
(19:01):
need to help myself work throughthis?
So many of us are used to justshoving down our own feelings,
our own thoughts, our own needsand emotions in effort to
protect ourselves, because thatcan be a coping mechanism too,
where we felt like it's not safefor me to show my feelings, and
I really just want to encourageyou, as we're talking through
some of these things, to justpay attention to what resonates
(19:24):
with you, what is stirringsomething in yourself, and that
can be a sign of something thatmay need some more love and care
and attention because you aredeserving of it, and being able
to work through these things canbe one of the most powerful
gifts that you can give yourchildren, especially if you have
a kiddo who is a selectiveeater.
Because, again, we want tobreak that stigma.
(19:44):
We don't want our children tointernalize a belief that how
they eat is wrong.
There are so many factors thatare influencing the way that
your child eats, and manychildren who are selective are
dealing with sensorysensitivities or different
temperaments or underlyinganxiety, or maybe neurodivergent
, and are approaching andnavigating food in a way that
(20:07):
feels safest for them.
And we don't want our childrento feel like the way they eat is
a problem that needs to befixed, because again, they can
start to build this narrativethat something's wrong with me
or I can't trust myself or Ican't trust my body.
So, however, our child's eating, whatever discomfort that's
bringing up for us, that is ourwork to do.
(20:28):
Those are our responsibility tocarry and work through, not our
child's.
So, with that in mind, I wantedto talk through some common
areas that can be beneath thereactions or the triggers that
you may be experiencing when itcomes to selective eating, so
I've broken these up into a fewdifferent categories here, one
(20:49):
being related to food trauma,one around neurodivergence and
one just touching on the manyunmet needs that we may be
experiencing as parents overall,and so the biggest area that I
have here circles around foodtrauma, and again, I feel like I
never have enough time to go asdeep as I want to on some of
these topics.
So if there is something I'msharing that is resonating with
(21:12):
you and that you would like moreinformation about, please feel
free to connect with me and letme know.
I would love to know what'sresonating with you so that I
can bring you more content andresources around that.
But one thing I want to talkabout first is just trauma
around food and our bodies andchildhood and how that can
surface with our own selectiveeaters.
So there is a phenomenon calledparallel processing, and that is
(21:37):
something that I think can bereally helpful to understand as
a parent, where you may besimultaneously experiencing and
reacting to a situation whilealso re-experiencing aspects of
a past traumatic event orsituation.
So in the context of feeding apicky eater, you may find that,
in response to your child'spicky eating, that you are not
(21:58):
only dealing with the presentsituation and all the different
stressors that we mentionedinvolved with that, but that
you're also reprocessing anyunresolved past traumas related
to food or your body.
So this parallel processing canlead to a heightened emotional
response, which is why you mightbe feeling like your reaction
(22:18):
to the way your child's eatingcan feel a little bit
disproportionate to thesituation, and really what's
happening is that there is a lotof emotional overlap here.
So the emotions that you mayassociate with your own
childhood food trauma canoverlap with any current
feelings that you may have aboutyour child's picky eating and
again this can lead to thoseintensified reactions such as
(22:41):
anxiety or frustration, or youmay even have flashbacks to any
of your own traumaticexperiences around food or your
body or meal times in your ownchildhood, and this of course,
has a huge impact on parentingand, again, how we show up in
feeding our kids.
So any parallel processing ofyour own childhood food trauma
can influence how you'reresponding to your child's picky
(23:04):
eating or just your child inany food related situation,
which again may cause ussometimes to unintentionally
project this emotional baggageon our kids, and especially for
kids who are selective eaters,this can sometimes exacerbate
the situation.
This is something I'vedefinitely experienced myself
and have also heard from clientsthat I've worked with to who
(23:26):
have just shared with me theintense anger or frustration
that comes up when their childis rejecting a certain food or a
meal that's been prepared andit can feel like such intense
reaction to it and really it'skind of your brain trying to
deal with two different thingsat the same time, and I want to
give you some examples just toconsider to reflect upon.
And this is where it can behelpful to understand your own
(23:49):
food story and I did a podcastepisode last year about
understanding your food storyand I will link to that in the
show notes for you.
But this is where we want tokind of assess and look at what
are the potential areas thatcould have been traumatic for me
around food or my body, andthis is why I think it can be so
helpful to look with moreawareness into our triggers and
(24:12):
into the reactions that aresurfacing for us.
For example, I've had parentstell me the intense anger or
frustration they feel aroundfood waste, like if I've made
all this food and my childliterally only wants to eat a
piece of bread and nothing elsethe fact that we're wasting all
of this food is so maddening tome.
I feel so angry.
Or having a child rejectsomething that you have made for
(24:34):
them can also intensify thosesame type of feelings.
So I want you to think aboutmaybe having a tough time with
food as a kid, and this cansurface in many different ways.
Food insecurity is food trauma,so maybe you worried about not
having enough to eat as a kid,or this could look like
different things too.
Maybe you experienced verbalabuse around how you ate as a
(24:57):
child, or were forced to eateverything on your plate and
weren't allowed to leave thetable unless you did, or maybe
just meal times in general werereally stressful and tense.
Maybe there was a lot ofconflict around meal times,
around food as a family and as achild.
It's really hard to navigatethose types of situations, and
so I just want you to think ofsome of the areas that can be
(25:19):
influencing how you felt aboutfood or how you experienced food
as a child and what happenswhen we become parents ourselves
.
There's this intense desire towant to do things differently
with our children, and I hearthis, and this is, I know, why
you're listening to this episodetoday.
You want to make sure that yourchild has a good relationship
with food and that they don'texperience the same things that
(25:41):
you did, and this is where theparallel processing can come in.
So let's say you have a childwho is selective with food.
It can bring up those oldmemories and worries from when
you were a kid.
So, again, not only are youdealing with your child's picky
eating, but your brain is alsobringing back all these old
feelings and memories andexperiences from your own
(26:03):
childhood around food.
And this is where things canbecome more complicated and
emotional for you as a parent,because you're handling both
your child's eating habits andyour past experiences with food
at the same time.
It's really like trying tojuggle two different things,
which can be really challenging.
So, really, any experience thatyou've had around food or your
(26:25):
body, especially in yourchildhood years, that proved to
be unsafe for you, can resurfacein similar situations, and what
that does is it sets off thealarms in your head or in your
body where you are starting tofeel unsafe in that similar
situation, even though it's acompletely different
(26:45):
circumstance.
So, even though it's likeyou're with your family, you're
in your home, you're with yourchildren, you're not in that
traumatic situation as a childanymore, it can still feel
unsafe, that same feeling of I'mnot safe, I'm not in a safe
situation.
Again, even though you're underdifferent circumstances, it's
like our brain, being triggered,is now mixing up the past and
(27:08):
the present and, even thoughpresently we are in different
situations, it's like we'reseeing it through the lens of
our past experiences and, again,anything that created any
feelings of unsafety in yourbody or around food.
And I do want to reiterate thateverybody's experience of
trauma is different.
This is something I've heardfrom a lot of parents that I've
(27:30):
worked with and spoke to aboutthis.
It's easy to undermine your owntraumatic experiences in
comparison to what other peoplehave been through, where you
might say, oh, it's not that badcompared to what somebody else
has gone through, it really wasnothing.
However, it's important toremember that what you have been
through and any event that feltsignificant to you plays a role
(27:52):
in your upbringing and yourrelationship with food and your
body, and anything that put youin a situation where you felt
helpless or out of control canbe traumatic, and you don't want
to undermine your ownexperiences by dismissing
anything that you've beenthrough and having awareness or
looking back at any past traumais not to victimize yourself but
just to see the bigger pictureof what you've been through and
(28:14):
the role that it can be playingin your present life Again,
because any unresolved traumaour bodies do not forget, our
bodies hold onto it and itresurfaces in those similar
situations via parallelprocessing.
So, as an example, let me giveyou some practical examples,
especially when it comes topicky eating.
So if you were ever shamed forleaving food behind or refusing
(28:38):
to eat because something thatyou were served felt unsafe to
you or not palatable forwhatever reason, and you were
shamed for that experience, oryou were made to feel guilty or
told that you were acting out orhad bad behavior because you
weren't complying with what wasexpected of you around food,
that can cause thoseinternalized feelings that
(29:00):
listening to my body is bad or Ican't trust my body or I'm
doing something wrong aroundfood or eating.
So if you're now navigating thesituation with your own child
and your child is leaving foodbehind or your child is refusing
to eat and you've had thatexperience, that can set off the
alarms that something is wrong,something is bad here, there's
(29:22):
something that's not right andit needs to be fixed, but that's
a very likely tied to yourexperience in that similar
situation in your own upbringing.
Another example that I wanted totalk about that I know many of
you might be able to relate tois having an eating disorder
history and what that may havelooked like, especially if this
(29:43):
happened or began in yourchildhood years.
So for many individuals whohave struggled with an eating
disorder, this is registered astrauma in your body.
If you're not getting enoughfood, whether it's unintentional
or intentional, your bodydoesn't know the difference.
It's just your body knows thatit's not getting enough of what
it needs and that restrictioncomponent and piece that's
(30:05):
connected to eating disorderscan often be very triggering if
we see any component of it beingdisplayed in our children, even
if our children are notnecessarily engaging in an
eating disorder behavior.
But let's say that your childis refusing to eat and that can
bring up feelings of maybe youintentionally restricting at
some point in your childhood,maybe that was connected to your
(30:28):
eating disorder, and that canbring up a lot of intensity of
anxiety, scarcity around food orjust a feeling that food is
unsafe or that your body is anunsafe place.
So, as you can see and theseare just brief examples.
We can definitely go deeper intoall of these, but there's a lot
of connections into ourexperiences around food,
(30:49):
especially in our childhoodupbringing, and how these can be
triggered and brought to thesurface in various ways that our
child engages around food.
So something to consider,especially if you find yourself
having strong reactions to howyour child is eating, especially
in the picky eating slash,selective eating realm.
So there's two other areas thatI want to talk about briefly.
(31:11):
I will likely do separateepisodes on these altogether
because there's a lot to sayabout these, but these are just
other areas that can also bringup some unresolved trauma that
may be resurfacing in the waythat you're engaging around food
with your child or how yourchild is eating.
So one is being neurodivergenteither you or your child or both
(31:32):
, and oftentimes, if there's aneurodivergent parent, there is
often neurodivergence inchildren as well, because there
is a strong genetic component,but this can play a role in how
a child relates to food.
So, for example, I have twoADHDers who have strong sensory
sensitivities.
The different way that theirbrains learn and process
(31:54):
information also plays a role inhow they eat and their eating
behaviors and habits and theirfood preferences.
There's a strong connectionthere and I know also from many
of us growing up.
There may have been thoseexisting things there too that
our caregivers or our parentshad no idea about, and maybe we
(32:14):
were forced to eat certainthings where, sensory wise, we
had a strong aversion to, ormaybe there was some sensory
overwhelm or overstimulationwhere certain eating
environments were verytriggering or difficult for us
to handle and creating somenegative association around food
and our bodies.
And this often surfaces in thisrealm where your child may be
(32:37):
exhibiting some of thosebehaviors that maybe you had as
a kid, that weren't paidattention to or that were
dismissed or undermined orignored or perhaps associated
with bad behavior.
Oh, they're just acting out orthey're just doing this or that.
There's something wrong and notreally being understood for the
person that you are and how yourbrain functions and how you
(33:00):
move through and experience theworld.
This is often playing out inour relationship with food and
again, we can definitely go intothis topic in more depth and I
will definitely be doing somemore episodes around this, but
just something I wanted you toconsider too.
If you are neurodivergent, youhave a neurodivergent child and
there are things coming upbecause of that.
(33:20):
It can bring up some deepseated feelings around your own
experience of moving through theworld in similar ways as a kid,
or seeing your child maybestruggle with things that you
did that maybe you never hadcare or attention for.
One last thing that I want tomention too is just dealing with
unmet needs, especially as aparent and a mother.
(33:40):
So often as mothers we ignorethe needs that we have and it's
easy to put the things that weneed to the back burner.
And this can also be a learnedbehavior of moving through your
life, feeling like your needswere unimportant and so you kept
them aside.
Or maybe you learned to ignoreyour needs because it felt
unsafe to share what you needed.
(34:01):
Or there's fear of rejection,like if I share what I need and
nobody responds to that in aresponsive way, what's the point
?
So this can often surface withpicky eating, and one strong way
that I see it is with foodrejection.
So I often see a lot of motherswho are being very intentional
about preparing food for theirkids, and when you have a
(34:22):
selective eater who is rejectingwhat you've prepared, it can
feel like a personal rejection.
It can feel like this issomething that's a direct
reflection of me and who I amLike.
My child is not just rejectingmy food, they are rejecting me,
and that can cause a lot ofunmet needs to surface to you,
but things that have likely beenthere and have been sitting
(34:45):
there and are now beingtriggered by an eating behavior
that your child is engaging in,and so this is something that
can surface to you, andoftentimes your child rejecting
food and you feeling angry aboutthat is not related to your
child's picky eating, but likelyrelated to deeper unmet needs
that you have that are worthy ofbeing met but then have likely
(35:07):
been ignored for years or longer.
So that's something I want youto think about too, and again,
we will likely come back andrevisit this topic, because this
is something that we can oftenfeel as moms and something that
is important to look at andaddress.
To wrap up this episode, I justwant to give you a blueprint of
things that you can do if youfind yourself feeling triggered
(35:29):
by how your child's eating,especially if you're dealing
with picky eating or selectiveeating and finding it difficult
to manage all the variousreactions that are coming up in
your body.
So if you've been listening forany length of time.
You know I have a love ofalliterations and I'm giving you
five steps here that I'll startwith the letter A, just to make
(35:50):
it easy for you to remember,and I just want you to keep in
mind that this is a lifelongpractice.
This is not something that wehave really necessarily learned
how to do, and it's somethingthat I think we will continue to
need to practice over thecourse of our life, especially
as parents.
So please give yourself grace,as you're listening to this and
just knowing that theinformation that you're taking
(36:12):
in and marinating on the thingsthat you're learning are all
important in helping you shiftout of these generational cycles
.
So if you're feeling triggeredand don't know what to do with
that emotion, here's some thingsto think about.
Step number one awareness.
Just having awareness of whatyou're feeling and how that
feels in your body is so key.
We are so used to just reactingto situations that we really
(36:37):
don't even have time tounderstand what is coming up for
us, what we're feeling, to nameit, to experience it, to know
what it feels like in our bodies, and so one of the really most
powerful things you can do isjust to lean in with curiosity
and awareness.
What is coming up for you inthese situations where you
notice yourself feelingtriggered or having intense
(36:59):
reactions to how your child iseating.
Step number two is practice.
Acceptance, or another way tolook at this, is extending
self-compassion to yourself,knowing that there are many
different layered experiencesthat are playing a role into how
you're feeling, and havingcompassion for yourself is so
(37:20):
key.
We cannot move through ourfeelings in a productive way if
we are shaming ourself for howwe're feeling, and I know it can
feel like that as a parent.
If you're feeling angry towardsyour child for how they're
eating, that can feel reallyintense and really bring up
feelings of failure, like I'mdoing wrong by my child.
(37:40):
But just to understand numberone, I'm feeling this for a
reason and number two, I'm okayto have this feeling can make it
so much easier for you to movethrough it.
So practicing that element ofself-compassion.
Number three is alarm, and whatI mean by this is decreasing
your alarm or being able to movethrough your stress response.
(38:02):
So many of us react to ourchildren and this is coming from
a place of unresolved trauma orunmet needs and our reaction is
causing us to feel dysregulated.
It's causing our stressresponses to come out in full
force, and so what can behelpful is grounding yourself
and reminding yourself thatyou're not in that same
(38:24):
situation that may have beentraumatic or triggering in your
past, and finding ways to begrounded to allow yourself to
move through it, withoutpotentially resorting to
maladaptive coping mechanisms.
To get through that andoftentimes that's what's
happening.
When our nervous systems areflooded, we are responding in
ways that can be maladaptive,but they're ways that we've
(38:47):
learned to cope and learned tosurvive.
But this can involve thingslike dissociating or shutting
down or fleeing the situations,like you can't even be present
because you're so overwhelmed byit.
Whatever your default responseis, again, give yourself grace,
because that's how you learn tosurvive something that felt
overwhelming.
But just finding ways to groundyourself, to help yourself know
(39:08):
that you're safe in your body,you're safe in your surroundings
and that you will be okay, canhelp prevent you from engaging
in behaviors that maybe aren'tas helpful or from potentially
projecting some of thoseemotions onto your children.
Fourth step is learning toattend to yourself and to your
needs, and again, this is areally big topic in itself and a
(39:31):
really challenging one,especially if you've learned to
ignore what you need over thecourse of your life.
However, just asking thequestion, what do I need or what
did I need?
When you can start to make someof the connections between your
triggers and past wounds orpast traumas around food or your
body, it can be really powerfulto ask that question what did I
(39:54):
need back then?
What did I need?
As that child sitting at thetable feeling overwhelmed, not
wanting to eat, not feeling safearound food or eating
experiences, or being worried Iwouldn't have enough to eat,
what are some things that youmay have needed during those
times or during those moments?
Because that can be a clue asto what you still need now and
(40:15):
you can start to learn how togive those things to yourself
now in different ways.
And again, this is a biggertopic that we can definitely
continue to explore together,but something that I wanted you
to at least start thinking about, last but not least, is
addressing, so learning toaddress, any deeper wounds or
traumas that are surfacing foryou, and this can look different
(40:39):
for different people and thiscan happen in many different
ways.
There's no one right way forhealing, but if you've
identified that, yeah, you knowwhat?
I think there are some thingsthere that I need to work
through or that I want to workthrough so that I can show up in
a healed way for my children.
That is a beautiful realizationand it can also be hard too,
(40:59):
like where do I even start?
And there's so many differentways to do this.
But certainly working with aprofessional can be very helpful
, just being able to talkthrough.
There's also differentmodalities of therapy and
healing that can promote traumahealing, and this is something
that I'm hoping we can talkabout more in upcoming episodes.
But just know that there aremany different resources out
(41:19):
there and I think sometimes justtaking that first step and
asking for help is so brave andit can be so tough too.
And if you're looking for moresupport but aren't sure where to
start, you can always connectwith me.
I would love to see how I mightbe able to help you or at least
connect you to resources thatcan support you along your way.
And just to give a little plugto our free virtual support
(41:40):
group and community Lift theShame.
We are a group of mothers ineating disorder recovery who
come together monthly and itreally is such a beautiful
community and this can be aspace to come and just find that
nurturing space to talk aboutsome of the unique challenges or
stressors that are coming upfor you, and knowing that you're
not alone can truly be such apowerful step in alleviating the
(42:04):
shame and the isolation thatyou might be carrying through
some of these things.
So I will link to that group inthe show notes too.
If you're looking for communityor just more support around this
, I hope this has been helpfulfor you, or just an invitation
to look a little deeper Again.
I think when it comes to pickyeating, we're so used to just
going into action mode and justtrying to figure out frameworks
(42:25):
or how do I fix this, withoutreally looking at some of the
deeper things that are happeningfor us and understanding why we
are showing up, the way we arewith our kids around food and
how that might be playing a rolein how our kids feel about food
and their bodies.
So, as always, I so appreciateyou showing up and being here
and listening and tuning in withcuriosity and if there's any
(42:46):
way that I can help support youor just further this
conversation, please connectwith me.
I would love to hear from you.
Hello, at crystalcargiscom, wewill hopefully get to reconvene
this conversation and have moretopics around shifting the cycle
of food guilt and body shame sothat you can live and enjoy
your family and freedom.
(43:07):
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atcrystalcargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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