July 14, 2023 • 26 mins
What would it mean to you to finally break free from the generational legacy of body shaming and diet culture in your family? This is the thought-provoking question we're tackling today as we discuss the complex issue of supporting our children in building a better body image. During our conversation, we'll be answering a question from one of our listeners about their 11-year-old daughter who is currently struggling with negative body image.
Our role as parents is not to prevent our children from feeling discomfort or disliking their bodies—these feelings are natural and part of the human experience. Instead, we aim to offer them a reassuring presence, to let them know they are not alone. We are not here to rescue our children from pain, but to guide them in learning how to tolerate these feelings and co-regulate with trusted individuals who can empathize with what they're going through.
So, how can we best support our children in their journey towards a healthier body image? It's not about rushing to the quickest fix. It's about acknowledging their feelings and responding with empathy, not empty compliments. This episode emphasizes the importance of building a deeper, more meaningful connection with our children, one that fosters positive body images and nurtures their overall well-being. Join us, and let's explore together the best ways to navigate these challenging emotions and support our children's journey to self-acceptance.
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
Today I'm excited to answer oneof your questions that was
(00:43):
submitted by a listener, and Iwill be reading this question
and answering it anonymously, ofcourse, and this is just a
friendly reminder that if youever have questions or topic
suggestions or thoughts that youwould like to share with me, I
would love to hear from you.
You are part of this communityand you are who this podcast is
for, so please don't everhesitate to reach out.
(01:04):
You can connect with me viaemail at hello at
crystalcargiscom, and that emailaddress is in the show notes
for you.
And this question I wanted toanswer today because it
piggybacks on our episode fromlast week, which is how to
support your child in building abetter body image.
And in a society that isinundated with diet culture and
(01:28):
messages that will constantly betelling our kids that their
body is wrong or that they'renot good enough or that they
need to shrink or change whothey are, I know that it's
important for you to learn howto build up your child's body
image so that they can becomeresilient to those messages.
So if you didn't get a chanceto listen to that episode, make
sure to go back and check it out.
And again, today's question issimilar and is about body image
(01:52):
and how do we approach orsupport our child who is maybe
actively or currently strugglingwith negative body image.
So I'm going to read ourlistener question today and
we'll dive into some ideas orsuggestions to help support you
through this.
So a question reads Dear Crystal, my 11 year old daughter, has
shared with me how she dislikesher body.
(02:14):
She's mentioned she's unhappywith the way her stomach looks.
I'm terrified this willescalate into body shame and I
don't know how to support herhelp and I so appreciate this
question.
I just want to say thank you,mama, I hear your heart and I
hear your concern, and 11 is arough age.
I know in some ways my seconddaughter or second kiddo is 11
(02:36):
as well, and it can be achallenging stage in life and
there's pre puberty, preadolescence.
That's happening, bodies arechanging and there can be much
more awareness about bodieschanging and also what peers are
thinking about their bodies ormaybe comparing their bodies to
their peers.
So definitely a lot happening inthis stage and I also know with
(02:59):
so many of the mothers thatI've worked with that this age
group, so pre adolescent age,can be one of those triggering
times or you may recognize thatthat was a difficult time for
you as a child and maybe feltlike there wasn't anyone to help
support you or help younavigate some of the changes
that were coming up for youduring that time, and so I love
that you're curious about this,that you're wanting to learn how
(03:23):
to support your daughter asshe's expressed maybe some
dislike in her body or somediscomfort in her body, and this
is a beautiful opportunity toshow up for your daughter in a
different way than maybe youexperienced this growing up, and
I just want to recognize, too,that many of us are navigating
these scenarios with ourchildren and never had this
(03:45):
modeled to us before or growingup ourselves, and so it can be
challenging and it can be scary,and I just want to acknowledge
the brave steps that you'retaking to learn these things and
to support your daughter in adifferent way, to really break
free from that body shamingnarrative that many of us have
grown up with and to giveyourself grace through the
process.
(04:05):
You're not going to have thisfigured out perfectly, and
that's okay.
It takes some trial and error.
You may have to figure outdifferent ways of navigating
these conversations or differentways of saying things, and I
just want to reassure you thatit's okay.
It's okay to learn alongsideyour child, it's okay to heal
alongside parenting your child,and we don't have to have it all
(04:27):
figured out, and I thinkallowing our kids to see our
humaneness can be so beautifuland impactful for them.
So just keep that in mind aswe're going through some of
these suggestions, and I justwant to give you some things to
consider and some things tothink about and, as always, take
care what resonates with youand feel free to leave behind
what doesn't.
There's never a one size fitsall approach and every child is
(04:49):
unique and different, and Ithink some of the best things
that we can do as parents islearn to be attuned to ourselves
and what's coming up for us inthese situations and also to be
attuned to our children so thatwe can better show up for them
and what they are needing.
And because I am familiar withsome of the common default
approaches to these kinds ofsituations, I just want to give
(05:12):
you some different things tothink about and maybe a
different angle to consider.
So oftentimes, especially if youare a parent who has had a
challenging relationship withyour body, or if you have
struggled with poor body imageor body shaming, or if that
legacy of body shaming runs deepin your family lineage, I know
that it can feel very alarmingto hear your child express
(05:35):
discomfort or dislike or hatredtowards their body.
That can feel very distressingand for many of us as parents,
our alarm bells are going offlike something is wrong.
And I just want you to rememberthat the goal here is is for is
not to prevent your child fromever feeling those things in
their body.
That's not the goal and that'snot realistic either.
(05:58):
Being a human that has a body,we will inevitably experience
ups and downs of living in ourbody, and it may not be because
of how our body looks, butdifferent things that our body
does or doesn't do that we wantit to do.
And I know trauma in our bodycan also be projected as body
distress or body shame, orchronic illness or medical
(06:20):
issues, like.
There's a lot of differentreasons why we may experience
shame or distress within ourbodies, and so to have the idea
that our kids should never feelthose things or that we somehow
need to prevent them fromfeeling those things is not the
goal.
The goal instead is that wewant our children to know that
they're not alone in thosefeelings.
(06:42):
We want them to feel connectedto a safe person who can relate
to what they're feeling and can,who really offer a reassuring
presence, who's able to sit withthem in their shame or in their
pain or in their distress.
We want them to know thatthey're not alone and we want to
be able to offer connection inthose moments.
(07:03):
So I wanted to be sure to startby clarifying here what are
some of the goals that we'relooking at and to just help you
see the big picture, because,again, as a mother myself who
has had that history of intensebody shame.
That is something that I neverwant my kids to experience, and
I also have to reconcile withthe fact that they may
experience that in some way, andthem experiencing that is not a
(07:26):
reflection of me not parentingwell enough or not doing enough.
We cannot necessarily preventour kids from experiencing those
things.
However, we want them to knowthat they're not alone and we
want them to feel connected to asafe person again who can
empathize with what's going onfor them, so that they are not
isolated in that shame.
(07:47):
Shame and isolation in shame canspiral into many other complex
issues, and that is somethingthat we can help prevent.
Another helpful way to look atthis is that, as parents, it's
not our job to rescue our kidsfrom their pain either and I
know that's easier said thandone because that feels like our
(08:07):
job in a lot of ways.
If we see our kids in distress,if we see them hurt, if we see
them sad, we want to fix it.
So many of us have thatinherent need to want to fix any
problems or struggles thatthey're dealing with, and we
have to remember that that's notnecessarily our job to rescue
them from pain or frustration orsadness or grief or distress,
(08:30):
but rather we want to supportthem in learning how to tolerate
those things so that when theyexperience those things down the
road or in different seasons oftheir life they don't feel
completely overwhelmed by it.
And the way that they learn howto do that is by what we call
co-regulation.
So learning to co-regulate withanother safe person who again
(08:52):
can empathize and connect.
That helps us feel safe in ourown frustration and pain, when
we know that I'm not alone inthis, and ultimately that will
help them down the road to beable to self-regulate in those
situations.
So again, thinking big picture,long term, if your child's
growing, growing up andexperiencing maybe a bad body
(09:12):
image day or struggling in howthey feel about their body,
ultimately we want them to beable to have the tools to learn
how to navigate that distressthat they may be feeling towards
themselves so that it doesn'tcompletely overwhelm them.
And that really starts with uslearning how to tolerate their
distress and their discomfort sothat we can sit with them in it
(09:33):
and help them regulate throughit.
So that is another way oflooking at this situation.
Again, we are not necessarilyrescuing them from what they're
experiencing or the distressthat they're sharing with us,
but helping them know they'renot alone in it.
So, with that said, I justwanted to share a couple more
pointers here to help younavigate some of these
(09:53):
situations or theseconversations.
If your child has expressedshame in their body or dislike
towards their body and you maynot know where to start, here's
a couple things to keep in mind.
So, as we talked about again,it's not our job to protect our
kids from feeling these things.
One of the default reactionsthat I tend to see parents jump
to when their child mightexpress I don't like the way I
(10:15):
look, I hate the way I look, Ihate the way my stomach looks.
We can be so quick to jump inand try to dismiss it with a
compliment Like oh my gosh, no,that is not, that's not true.
You're beautiful.
There are different things thatwe might say along those lines
in attempt to jump in and rescueour kids from what they're
feeling.
(10:36):
The reason this can becomeproblematic, even though it's
done with good intention, isthat it can communicate the
message to our kids that theirfeelings are wrong.
So we want them to understandnumber one, that they're safe to
express what they're feeling tous and if we are quickly
(10:56):
dismissing how they feel andjust jumping straight for a
compliment and effort to easetheir pain, it can make them
feel again that their feelingsabout their body are wrong.
And so what I encourage parentsto do at the onset is just to
acknowledge what your child hasshared with you and to express
that towards them so that cansound something like thank you
(11:17):
so much for trusting me andsharing this with me.
We, when we're quick to jumpingto the fix it solution, when
we're quick to finding ways tohelp them feel better
immediately, that can againdismiss what they're feeling, or
it can deny what they'refeeling.
It can cause them tointernalize the message that I
(11:38):
don't like my body and I'm badfor having these feelings about
my body.
And again, we want to keepthose communication channels
open with our children so thatthey can feel like they're able
to come to us in their distress,in their discomfort, and if
we're too quick to dismiss howthey're feeling, that can close
that door.
And so I always say, as a firststep, just simply acknowledge
(12:02):
what your child has shared withyou and thank them for trusting
that information with you, andthat can sound again as simple
as thank you for trusting mewith this.
Thank you for sharing this withme.
I'm here for you and I reallyappreciate that you were brave
enough to share this with me.
I care about how you feel, sothat is something that I would
encourage you to think aboutjust at the onset, especially if
(12:23):
those alarm bells are going offand you're feeling flustered
and you don't know what to sayor you're worried about saying
the wrong thing.
Just start by acknowledging thecourage that it took your child
to share that information withyou.
And the fact that your child issharing that information with
you shows that they'reentrusting you with something
they feel like you are a safeperson in that they can bring
(12:45):
those concerns to you.
So we want to be intentionalabout acknowledging that.
The second thing here that wewant to think about is how can
we express empathy rather thanjumping straight to
encouragement?
So, going back to what we wereoriginally talking about here is
that the goal is not to preventthese feelings, but to help our
child feel connected to a safeperson.
(13:06):
So this is why this empathypiece is so important, because
it helps us facilitateconnection with our children,
rather than just giving acompliment and we just dish out
a compliment Again.
It's well intended and theeffort is to help our child feel
better, but that compliment canonly go so far.
(13:28):
It's not going to go to thedeeper level of connection that
we want to go with our child tohelp them feel less alone in
their distress.
So, rather than jumping tocompliments, we want to think
about ways that we can provideconnection and create connection
with them, because trulyconnection is the antidote to
(13:49):
shame and helplessness.
When we think about shame and wethink about how it keeps us
away from people, fromrelationships, from things that
we enjoy, from experiences.
When there is connection to asafe person, it helps alleviate
that need for isolation.
And so this is why we don'tjust want to go surface level
(14:10):
with our kids and startcomplimenting them about things
we love, about their body or howthey look.
Again, that is surface leveland it only reinforces the
narrative that how they look isthe most important thing about
them.
And we want to go deeper withthat, and that is why
empathizing with your child isgoing to be really helpful in
facilitating this deeperconnection that's going to be
(14:31):
important in preventing shamespirals from happening around
their body.
So this can be as simple asacknowledging.
You know like.
I know this is hard.
I know having a body can bereally hard sometimes and
there's been days when I don'tfeel good in my body too and it
really sucks and I'm so sorrythat you're feeling that you are
not alone.
(14:51):
Something simple like that andI know it's not simple, I know
all of this is easier said thandone.
However, I want you to thinkabout ways that you can maybe
rephrase that in a way thatmakes sense to your child, right
, like helping them understandthat they're not alone in what
they're experiencing, so thatthey don't spiral into that
shame.
(15:11):
And this can be so powerful andreally helping our kids be able
to face what they're feelingand learn ways to move through
it, rather than resorting tochanging their body as a way of
managing their body's shame thatthey're feeling.
So this can be really powerfuland really important in modeling
this to them.
(15:31):
And I think it's totally okayto share, in a way that makes
sense for your child, some ofthe things that you may have
struggled with as well.
But again, I think it's reallyimportant to be careful with how
much we might divulge to ourkids.
So if you're actively, maybe,struggling with body shame and
this is an issue that you'vebeen dealing with, you know
maybe not going into all thedetails and a simple
(15:54):
acknowledgement that, yeah, I'veexperienced this too and it can
be really hard.
I know what you're goingthrough and you're not alone.
I'm here with you.
Something that straightforwardis really going to be impactful
in creating empathy and againcreating connection with them.
So I just wanted to encourageyou with this and help you see
(16:14):
this in a different way again,because so many of us rush to
compliments or things that wecan tell our kids.
An effort to help them feelbetter without going deeper into
the connection piece that isgoing to be very important in
supporting them moving throughthe feelings or distress that's
coming up for them in theirbodies.
One more piece on this note thatI think can be really helpful
(16:37):
too in terms of empathy is justhelping our kids understand that
this time period of their lifecan be really challenging for
multiple reasons, and this is apowerful message that many of us
did not get growing up, wherewe weren't told that, hey, your
body is changing a lot right nowthrough pre-adolescence, and I
know it's really uncomfortableand it's also normal too, and it
(16:59):
won't feel like this forever.
This can be a really beautifulplace to infuse some of the
knowledge and understandingabout how and why their bodies
are changing and all thedifferent things that are
happening.
And, again, having thoseconversations openly with our
kids can be very beautiful andvery encouraging to them to know
that I'm not the only one, I'mnot the only 11 year old going
(17:21):
through this and feelinguncomfortable in my body and
even sharing stories like when Iwas your age or when I was 11,
I remember that there were somedays that it was really hard to
feel like my body was changingand not knowing how it was going
to end up or what was going on.
And I learned that I couldtrust my body, even through some
of these really painful changes.
Little snippets like that canbe really helpful to just relate
(17:44):
to our kids, especially whenthey're might be feeling so
alone in what they're goingthrough.
So once we've done those twothings we've acknowledged
they're telling us how they'refeeling, we've empathized with
them and taken proactive stepsto actually connect with them in
their distress and in theirpain, then that's when I think
we can just offer thatreassuring presence that is
(18:06):
supportive of what they mightneed to help them move through
their pain or distress or what'scoming up for them.
And this is where I think we canjust ask the question what do
you need from me?
What can I do for you?
What would be helpful tosupport you through this?
And sometimes our kids may notknow what that is.
They may not know what theyneed to help them move through
(18:29):
it, and that's okay.
We're showing them that we'rereaching out and helping them
and we're there for them.
And this is where, if yourchild may not know what would be
helpful for them, this is whereoffering suggestions like can I
give you a hug right now?
Would that be okay?
Or can I tell you all thethings that I love about you?
Would that be okay?
(18:50):
And I think just being able tooffer those suggestions to help
our kids feel the reassurance ofus being with them in their
distress or in their pain or intheir struggle can be so
powerful again to prevent thoseshame cycles from happening.
And I have found from just myexperience that sometimes my
kids don't want my presence.
(19:11):
They don't want me to hug them,they may not want me to really
talk much to them, and that'sokay, and I will acknowledge
that and I will say, okay, noproblem, I don't have to do
those things, but I just wantyou to know I'm here for you and
I'm here and I'm sitting withyou and I am with you in your
pain, again, like it's modelingthat presence in their life and
(19:32):
helping them understand thatthey're not alone in their
struggle, no matter howuncomfortable or how big it
might feel.
They don't have to walk throughit by themselves, and so that
is where this can be reallytailored to your individual
child and what you think theymay need.
I do like asking our kids can Itell you the things that I love
about you?
And that can be a reallyamazing opportunity to just shed
(19:55):
light on aspects aboutthemselves that they may not
even consider, that may not haveanything to do with their body,
so you can highlightcharacteristics, qualities,
attributes.
This is a great place to infusethose things, if your child is
up for it, and you can say Ilove this about you, I love how
you're kind, you'recompassionate, you're
adventurous, you're creative,and this is a great way to just
(20:19):
shower them with the things thatyou genuinely see about them.
But again, we don't want it tojust be appearance related
compliments, because that willreinforce this idea that how
they look is the most importantthing about them, which is a
tricky place to be, because ifthey're unhappy with how they
look on any given day, that canreally destroy their self-esteem
(20:39):
.
So, again acknowledging likeyeah, it can be hard to live in
our body sometimes and there'sso many amazing things and
attributes about you that havenothing to do with your body and
that make you so incrediblywonderful and unique as you are,
and just reinforcing that theirspecial, that their worth is
unchanged by how they feel abouttheir body and that can go so
(21:01):
far as a protective factor insupporting them from some of
these messages that can sneak inwhen they're feeling vulnerable
about their bodies.
So these are just some thingsto think about as you are
potentially navigating some ofthese situations with your own
child.
I do also just want to addressone final point here, and that
(21:22):
is to just be aware of what maybe coming up for you in these
situations.
Do you find yourself triggeredor what are you feeling in your
body and why are you triggeredSometimes?
The difficult emotions orfeelings that arise in our
bodies as we engage with ourchildren in these different ways
can make it hard for us to bepresent with our own children or
(21:45):
to be able to extend to themwhat they're needing, because
there's a part of our body thatis reacting to what is coming up
for them, and often that stemsback to our own trauma or own
grief or pain that we're stillholding in our bodies.
And so I just want to encourageyou to be aware of what's
coming up for you and to remindyourself that, no matter what
(22:06):
you're feeling, you can stillshow up and be present and
engaged for your child and tojust be curious about any
thoughts or feelings that aresurfacing for you.
That can be a really helpfulplace for you to come back to
and revisit later in your ownhealing work and in your own
journey, and just rememberingthat we don't have to have it
all figured out to show up forour kids, to be present for them
(22:30):
.
However, just understanding thatsometimes our own stuff that
can be triggered or come to thesurface in these parallel
situations can make it hard forus sometimes to be present for
our kids, and this is what Icall parallel processing, where
there are things happening forour children that may have
happened for us, and so thesesituations can be painful and,
(22:54):
just as an example, if you as achild struggled with body shame
or distress in your own body andwere never met with a safe
caregiver who could providepresence and connection for you
or co-regulation in thosepainful moments, that likely
created shame and feelings ofhelplessness that can still sit
(23:14):
there and still live in yourbody.
And so, of course, it's goingto feel triggering when you're
in a similar situation with yourown child where, if your child
is expressing discomfort intheir bodies, it can be a
painful reminder of theexperiences that you had as a
child and the resultinghelplessness or shame that came
from that.
And so I just wanted to sharethat because it's a common
(23:37):
situation and it can be verychallenging to navigate that and
you might find distress ordiscomfort coming up for you as
you're trying to hold space foryour body, and I just wanna
encourage you to be aware ofwhat's coming up, just get
curious about it and understandthat you can still be able to
hold space for your own child asthey're navigating some of
those issues, and one of themost incredible things about
(24:00):
this is that you're learning togive to your child what you may
have needed as a child.
Any child who's going throughdistress and how their body
feels or how their body looks,or feeling shame about their
bodies, deserves a safe personto be able to empathize and
connect with them so you don'tfeel overwhelmed or engulfed by
(24:21):
the feelings that are coming upfor you.
And when we don't have that, weeasily internalize this message
that it's me that's a problem.
My body, my body is wrong.
All of this is too much, andthat narrative can carry with us
for years, and so I want you tothink about how amazing it is
that you are helping your childrewrite the narrative or learn
(24:43):
something different.
By holding space for them, bybeing a safe and loving presence
for them in their distress, intheir discomfort, even when you
didn't have those things for you, and, by extension, in learning
how to give these things toyour children, you're also
giving them to your younger self, who needed those things to you
and who is as equally deservingof having had those things
(25:06):
growing up as well.
So I hope this is helpful.
I know there's a lot more thatwe could probably talk about
here, but again, thank you, mama, for this amazing question and
for sharing this.
I know that this situation canbe really tough and challenging
to navigate and I hope thisgives you some tools to work
with, some things to think about.
And if you are listening to thisand have any follow-up
(25:27):
questions, or if there'sanything else that I can do to
help support you around thistopic, I would love to hear from
you.
Please feel free to reach outand connect, and we will be
resuming next week with anotherepisode and different topics, so
I hope you will join us then.
In the meantime, thank you somuch for being here.
I will include a link in theshow notes to our free virtual
(25:48):
support group, lift the Shame.
If you are a mama or mama to beneeding more support around
food or body image, we'd love tohave you.
So thank you so much again forjoining and thank you for the
great question.
I can't wait to catch up withyou next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
(26:08):
connect with me on Instagram atCrystal Cargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
Today I'm excited to answer oneof your questions that was
(00:43):
submitted by a listener, and Iwill be reading this question
and answering it anonymously, ofcourse, and this is just a
friendly reminder that if youever have questions or topic
suggestions or thoughts that youwould like to share with me, I
would love to hear from you.
You are part of this communityand you are who this podcast is
for, so please don't everhesitate to reach out.
(01:04):
You can connect with me viaemail at hello at
crystalcargiscom, and that emailaddress is in the show notes
for you.
And this question I wanted toanswer today because it
piggybacks on our episode fromlast week, which is how to
support your child in building abetter body image.
And in a society that isinundated with diet culture and
(01:28):
messages that will constantly betelling our kids that their
body is wrong or that they'renot good enough or that they
need to shrink or change whothey are, I know that it's
important for you to learn howto build up your child's body
image so that they can becomeresilient to those messages.
So if you didn't get a chanceto listen to that episode, make
sure to go back and check it out.
And again, today's question issimilar and is about body image
(01:52):
and how do we approach orsupport our child who is maybe
actively or currently strugglingwith negative body image.
So I'm going to read ourlistener question today and
we'll dive into some ideas orsuggestions to help support you
through this.
So a question reads Dear Crystal, my 11 year old daughter, has
shared with me how she dislikesher body.
(02:14):
She's mentioned she's unhappywith the way her stomach looks.
I'm terrified this willescalate into body shame and I
don't know how to support herhelp and I so appreciate this
question.
I just want to say thank you,mama, I hear your heart and I
hear your concern, and 11 is arough age.
I know in some ways my seconddaughter or second kiddo is 11
(02:36):
as well, and it can be achallenging stage in life and
there's pre puberty, preadolescence.
That's happening, bodies arechanging and there can be much
more awareness about bodieschanging and also what peers are
thinking about their bodies ormaybe comparing their bodies to
their peers.
So definitely a lot happening inthis stage and I also know with
(02:59):
so many of the mothers thatI've worked with that this age
group, so pre adolescent age,can be one of those triggering
times or you may recognize thatthat was a difficult time for
you as a child and maybe feltlike there wasn't anyone to help
support you or help younavigate some of the changes
that were coming up for youduring that time, and so I love
that you're curious about this,that you're wanting to learn how
(03:23):
to support your daughter asshe's expressed maybe some
dislike in her body or somediscomfort in her body, and this
is a beautiful opportunity toshow up for your daughter in a
different way than maybe youexperienced this growing up, and
I just want to recognize, too,that many of us are navigating
these scenarios with ourchildren and never had this
(03:45):
modeled to us before or growingup ourselves, and so it can be
challenging and it can be scary,and I just want to acknowledge
the brave steps that you'retaking to learn these things and
to support your daughter in adifferent way, to really break
free from that body shamingnarrative that many of us have
grown up with and to giveyourself grace through the
process.
(04:05):
You're not going to have thisfigured out perfectly, and
that's okay.
It takes some trial and error.
You may have to figure outdifferent ways of navigating
these conversations or differentways of saying things, and I
just want to reassure you thatit's okay.
It's okay to learn alongsideyour child, it's okay to heal
alongside parenting your child,and we don't have to have it all
(04:27):
figured out, and I thinkallowing our kids to see our
humaneness can be so beautifuland impactful for them.
So just keep that in mind aswe're going through some of
these suggestions, and I justwant to give you some things to
consider and some things tothink about and, as always, take
care what resonates with youand feel free to leave behind
what doesn't.
There's never a one size fitsall approach and every child is
(04:49):
unique and different, and Ithink some of the best things
that we can do as parents islearn to be attuned to ourselves
and what's coming up for us inthese situations and also to be
attuned to our children so thatwe can better show up for them
and what they are needing.
And because I am familiar withsome of the common default
approaches to these kinds ofsituations, I just want to give
(05:12):
you some different things tothink about and maybe a
different angle to consider.
So oftentimes, especially if youare a parent who has had a
challenging relationship withyour body, or if you have
struggled with poor body imageor body shaming, or if that
legacy of body shaming runs deepin your family lineage, I know
that it can feel very alarmingto hear your child express
(05:35):
discomfort or dislike or hatredtowards their body.
That can feel very distressingand for many of us as parents,
our alarm bells are going offlike something is wrong.
And I just want you to rememberthat the goal here is is for is
not to prevent your child fromever feeling those things in
their body.
That's not the goal and that'snot realistic either.
(05:58):
Being a human that has a body,we will inevitably experience
ups and downs of living in ourbody, and it may not be because
of how our body looks, butdifferent things that our body
does or doesn't do that we wantit to do.
And I know trauma in our bodycan also be projected as body
distress or body shame, orchronic illness or medical
(06:20):
issues, like.
There's a lot of differentreasons why we may experience
shame or distress within ourbodies, and so to have the idea
that our kids should never feelthose things or that we somehow
need to prevent them fromfeeling those things is not the
goal.
The goal instead is that wewant our children to know that
they're not alone in thosefeelings.
(06:42):
We want them to feel connectedto a safe person who can relate
to what they're feeling and can,who really offer a reassuring
presence, who's able to sit withthem in their shame or in their
pain or in their distress.
We want them to know thatthey're not alone and we want to
be able to offer connection inthose moments.
(07:03):
So I wanted to be sure to startby clarifying here what are
some of the goals that we'relooking at and to just help you
see the big picture, because,again, as a mother myself who
has had that history of intensebody shame.
That is something that I neverwant my kids to experience, and
I also have to reconcile withthe fact that they may
experience that in some way, andthem experiencing that is not a
(07:26):
reflection of me not parentingwell enough or not doing enough.
We cannot necessarily preventour kids from experiencing those
things.
However, we want them to knowthat they're not alone and we
want them to feel connected to asafe person again who can
empathize with what's going onfor them, so that they are not
isolated in that shame.
(07:47):
Shame and isolation in shame canspiral into many other complex
issues, and that is somethingthat we can help prevent.
Another helpful way to look atthis is that, as parents, it's
not our job to rescue our kidsfrom their pain either and I
know that's easier said thandone because that feels like our
(08:07):
job in a lot of ways.
If we see our kids in distress,if we see them hurt, if we see
them sad, we want to fix it.
So many of us have thatinherent need to want to fix any
problems or struggles thatthey're dealing with, and we
have to remember that that's notnecessarily our job to rescue
them from pain or frustration orsadness or grief or distress,
(08:30):
but rather we want to supportthem in learning how to tolerate
those things so that when theyexperience those things down the
road or in different seasons oftheir life they don't feel
completely overwhelmed by it.
And the way that they learn howto do that is by what we call
co-regulation.
So learning to co-regulate withanother safe person who again
(08:52):
can empathize and connect.
That helps us feel safe in ourown frustration and pain, when
we know that I'm not alone inthis, and ultimately that will
help them down the road to beable to self-regulate in those
situations.
So again, thinking big picture,long term, if your child's
growing, growing up andexperiencing maybe a bad body
(09:12):
image day or struggling in howthey feel about their body,
ultimately we want them to beable to have the tools to learn
how to navigate that distressthat they may be feeling towards
themselves so that it doesn'tcompletely overwhelm them.
And that really starts with uslearning how to tolerate their
distress and their discomfort sothat we can sit with them in it
(09:33):
and help them regulate throughit.
So that is another way oflooking at this situation.
Again, we are not necessarilyrescuing them from what they're
experiencing or the distressthat they're sharing with us,
but helping them know they'renot alone in it.
So, with that said, I justwanted to share a couple more
pointers here to help younavigate some of these
(09:53):
situations or theseconversations.
If your child has expressedshame in their body or dislike
towards their body and you maynot know where to start, here's
a couple things to keep in mind.
So, as we talked about again,it's not our job to protect our
kids from feeling these things.
One of the default reactionsthat I tend to see parents jump
to when their child mightexpress I don't like the way I
(10:15):
look, I hate the way I look, Ihate the way my stomach looks.
We can be so quick to jump inand try to dismiss it with a
compliment Like oh my gosh, no,that is not, that's not true.
You're beautiful.
There are different things thatwe might say along those lines
in attempt to jump in and rescueour kids from what they're
feeling.
(10:36):
The reason this can becomeproblematic, even though it's
done with good intention, isthat it can communicate the
message to our kids that theirfeelings are wrong.
So we want them to understandnumber one, that they're safe to
express what they're feeling tous and if we are quickly
(10:56):
dismissing how they feel andjust jumping straight for a
compliment and effort to easetheir pain, it can make them
feel again that their feelingsabout their body are wrong.
And so what I encourage parentsto do at the onset is just to
acknowledge what your child hasshared with you and to express
that towards them so that cansound something like thank you
(11:17):
so much for trusting me andsharing this with me.
We, when we're quick to jumpingto the fix it solution, when
we're quick to finding ways tohelp them feel better
immediately, that can againdismiss what they're feeling, or
it can deny what they'refeeling.
It can cause them tointernalize the message that I
(11:38):
don't like my body and I'm badfor having these feelings about
my body.
And again, we want to keepthose communication channels
open with our children so thatthey can feel like they're able
to come to us in their distress,in their discomfort, and if
we're too quick to dismiss howthey're feeling, that can close
that door.
And so I always say, as a firststep, just simply acknowledge
(12:02):
what your child has shared withyou and thank them for trusting
that information with you, andthat can sound again as simple
as thank you for trusting mewith this.
Thank you for sharing this withme.
I'm here for you and I reallyappreciate that you were brave
enough to share this with me.
I care about how you feel, sothat is something that I would
encourage you to think aboutjust at the onset, especially if
(12:23):
those alarm bells are going offand you're feeling flustered
and you don't know what to sayor you're worried about saying
the wrong thing.
Just start by acknowledging thecourage that it took your child
to share that information withyou.
And the fact that your child issharing that information with
you shows that they'reentrusting you with something
they feel like you are a safeperson in that they can bring
(12:45):
those concerns to you.
So we want to be intentionalabout acknowledging that.
The second thing here that wewant to think about is how can
we express empathy rather thanjumping straight to
encouragement?
So, going back to what we wereoriginally talking about here is
that the goal is not to preventthese feelings, but to help our
child feel connected to a safeperson.
(13:06):
So this is why this empathypiece is so important, because
it helps us facilitateconnection with our children,
rather than just giving acompliment and we just dish out
a compliment Again.
It's well intended and theeffort is to help our child feel
better, but that compliment canonly go so far.
(13:28):
It's not going to go to thedeeper level of connection that
we want to go with our child tohelp them feel less alone in
their distress.
So, rather than jumping tocompliments, we want to think
about ways that we can provideconnection and create connection
with them, because trulyconnection is the antidote to
(13:49):
shame and helplessness.
When we think about shame and wethink about how it keeps us
away from people, fromrelationships, from things that
we enjoy, from experiences.
When there is connection to asafe person, it helps alleviate
that need for isolation.
And so this is why we don'tjust want to go surface level
(14:10):
with our kids and startcomplimenting them about things
we love, about their body or howthey look.
Again, that is surface leveland it only reinforces the
narrative that how they look isthe most important thing about
them.
And we want to go deeper withthat, and that is why
empathizing with your child isgoing to be really helpful in
facilitating this deeperconnection that's going to be
(14:31):
important in preventing shamespirals from happening around
their body.
So this can be as simple asacknowledging.
You know like.
I know this is hard.
I know having a body can bereally hard sometimes and
there's been days when I don'tfeel good in my body too and it
really sucks and I'm so sorrythat you're feeling that you are
not alone.
(14:51):
Something simple like that andI know it's not simple, I know
all of this is easier said thandone.
However, I want you to thinkabout ways that you can maybe
rephrase that in a way thatmakes sense to your child, right
, like helping them understandthat they're not alone in what
they're experiencing, so thatthey don't spiral into that
shame.
(15:11):
And this can be so powerful andreally helping our kids be able
to face what they're feelingand learn ways to move through
it, rather than resorting tochanging their body as a way of
managing their body's shame thatthey're feeling.
So this can be really powerfuland really important in modeling
this to them.
(15:31):
And I think it's totally okayto share, in a way that makes
sense for your child, some ofthe things that you may have
struggled with as well.
But again, I think it's reallyimportant to be careful with how
much we might divulge to ourkids.
So if you're actively, maybe,struggling with body shame and
this is an issue that you'vebeen dealing with, you know
maybe not going into all thedetails and a simple
(15:54):
acknowledgement that, yeah, I'veexperienced this too and it can
be really hard.
I know what you're goingthrough and you're not alone.
I'm here with you.
Something that straightforwardis really going to be impactful
in creating empathy and againcreating connection with them.
So I just wanted to encourageyou with this and help you see
(16:14):
this in a different way again,because so many of us rush to
compliments or things that wecan tell our kids.
An effort to help them feelbetter without going deeper into
the connection piece that isgoing to be very important in
supporting them moving throughthe feelings or distress that's
coming up for them in theirbodies.
One more piece on this note thatI think can be really helpful
(16:37):
too in terms of empathy is justhelping our kids understand that
this time period of their lifecan be really challenging for
multiple reasons, and this is apowerful message that many of us
did not get growing up, wherewe weren't told that, hey, your
body is changing a lot right nowthrough pre-adolescence, and I
know it's really uncomfortableand it's also normal too, and it
(16:59):
won't feel like this forever.
This can be a really beautifulplace to infuse some of the
knowledge and understandingabout how and why their bodies
are changing and all thedifferent things that are
happening.
And, again, having thoseconversations openly with our
kids can be very beautiful andvery encouraging to them to know
that I'm not the only one, I'mnot the only 11 year old going
(17:21):
through this and feelinguncomfortable in my body and
even sharing stories like when Iwas your age or when I was 11,
I remember that there were somedays that it was really hard to
feel like my body was changingand not knowing how it was going
to end up or what was going on.
And I learned that I couldtrust my body, even through some
of these really painful changes.
Little snippets like that canbe really helpful to just relate
(17:44):
to our kids, especially whenthey're might be feeling so
alone in what they're goingthrough.
So once we've done those twothings we've acknowledged
they're telling us how they'refeeling, we've empathized with
them and taken proactive stepsto actually connect with them in
their distress and in theirpain, then that's when I think
we can just offer thatreassuring presence that is
(18:06):
supportive of what they mightneed to help them move through
their pain or distress or what'scoming up for them.
And this is where I think we canjust ask the question what do
you need from me?
What can I do for you?
What would be helpful tosupport you through this?
And sometimes our kids may notknow what that is.
They may not know what theyneed to help them move through
(18:29):
it, and that's okay.
We're showing them that we'rereaching out and helping them
and we're there for them.
And this is where, if yourchild may not know what would be
helpful for them, this is whereoffering suggestions like can I
give you a hug right now?
Would that be okay?
Or can I tell you all thethings that I love about you?
Would that be okay?
(18:50):
And I think just being able tooffer those suggestions to help
our kids feel the reassurance ofus being with them in their
distress or in their pain or intheir struggle can be so
powerful again to prevent thoseshame cycles from happening.
And I have found from just myexperience that sometimes my
kids don't want my presence.
(19:11):
They don't want me to hug them,they may not want me to really
talk much to them, and that'sokay, and I will acknowledge
that and I will say, okay, noproblem, I don't have to do
those things, but I just wantyou to know I'm here for you and
I'm here and I'm sitting withyou and I am with you in your
pain, again, like it's modelingthat presence in their life and
(19:32):
helping them understand thatthey're not alone in their
struggle, no matter howuncomfortable or how big it
might feel.
They don't have to walk throughit by themselves, and so that
is where this can be reallytailored to your individual
child and what you think theymay need.
I do like asking our kids can Itell you the things that I love
about you?
And that can be a reallyamazing opportunity to just shed
(19:55):
light on aspects aboutthemselves that they may not
even consider, that may not haveanything to do with their body,
so you can highlightcharacteristics, qualities,
attributes.
This is a great place to infusethose things, if your child is
up for it, and you can say Ilove this about you, I love how
you're kind, you'recompassionate, you're
adventurous, you're creative,and this is a great way to just
(20:19):
shower them with the things thatyou genuinely see about them.
But again, we don't want it tojust be appearance related
compliments, because that willreinforce this idea that how
they look is the most importantthing about them, which is a
tricky place to be, because ifthey're unhappy with how they
look on any given day, that canreally destroy their self-esteem
(20:39):
.
So, again acknowledging likeyeah, it can be hard to live in
our body sometimes and there'sso many amazing things and
attributes about you that havenothing to do with your body and
that make you so incrediblywonderful and unique as you are,
and just reinforcing that theirspecial, that their worth is
unchanged by how they feel abouttheir body and that can go so
(21:01):
far as a protective factor insupporting them from some of
these messages that can sneak inwhen they're feeling vulnerable
about their bodies.
So these are just some thingsto think about as you are
potentially navigating some ofthese situations with your own
child.
I do also just want to addressone final point here, and that
(21:22):
is to just be aware of what maybe coming up for you in these
situations.
Do you find yourself triggeredor what are you feeling in your
body and why are you triggeredSometimes?
The difficult emotions orfeelings that arise in our
bodies as we engage with ourchildren in these different ways
can make it hard for us to bepresent with our own children or
(21:45):
to be able to extend to themwhat they're needing, because
there's a part of our body thatis reacting to what is coming up
for them, and often that stemsback to our own trauma or own
grief or pain that we're stillholding in our bodies.
And so I just want to encourageyou to be aware of what's
coming up for you and to remindyourself that, no matter what
(22:06):
you're feeling, you can stillshow up and be present and
engaged for your child and tojust be curious about any
thoughts or feelings that aresurfacing for you.
That can be a really helpfulplace for you to come back to
and revisit later in your ownhealing work and in your own
journey, and just rememberingthat we don't have to have it
all figured out to show up forour kids, to be present for them
(22:30):
.
However, just understanding thatsometimes our own stuff that
can be triggered or come to thesurface in these parallel
situations can make it hard forus sometimes to be present for
our kids, and this is what Icall parallel processing, where
there are things happening forour children that may have
happened for us, and so thesesituations can be painful and,
(22:54):
just as an example, if you as achild struggled with body shame
or distress in your own body andwere never met with a safe
caregiver who could providepresence and connection for you
or co-regulation in thosepainful moments, that likely
created shame and feelings ofhelplessness that can still sit
(23:14):
there and still live in yourbody.
And so, of course, it's goingto feel triggering when you're
in a similar situation with yourown child where, if your child
is expressing discomfort intheir bodies, it can be a
painful reminder of theexperiences that you had as a
child and the resultinghelplessness or shame that came
from that.
And so I just wanted to sharethat because it's a common
(23:37):
situation and it can be verychallenging to navigate that and
you might find distress ordiscomfort coming up for you as
you're trying to hold space foryour body, and I just wanna
encourage you to be aware ofwhat's coming up, just get
curious about it and understandthat you can still be able to
hold space for your own child asthey're navigating some of
those issues, and one of themost incredible things about
(24:00):
this is that you're learning togive to your child what you may
have needed as a child.
Any child who's going throughdistress and how their body
feels or how their body looks,or feeling shame about their
bodies, deserves a safe personto be able to empathize and
connect with them so you don'tfeel overwhelmed or engulfed by
(24:21):
the feelings that are coming upfor you.
And when we don't have that, weeasily internalize this message
that it's me that's a problem.
My body, my body is wrong.
All of this is too much, andthat narrative can carry with us
for years, and so I want you tothink about how amazing it is
that you are helping your childrewrite the narrative or learn
(24:43):
something different.
By holding space for them, bybeing a safe and loving presence
for them in their distress, intheir discomfort, even when you
didn't have those things for you, and, by extension, in learning
how to give these things toyour children, you're also
giving them to your younger self, who needed those things to you
and who is as equally deservingof having had those things
(25:06):
growing up as well.
So I hope this is helpful.
I know there's a lot more thatwe could probably talk about
here, but again, thank you, mama, for this amazing question and
for sharing this.
I know that this situation canbe really tough and challenging
to navigate and I hope thisgives you some tools to work
with, some things to think about.
And if you are listening to thisand have any follow-up
(25:27):
questions, or if there'sanything else that I can do to
help support you around thistopic, I would love to hear from
you.
Please feel free to reach outand connect, and we will be
resuming next week with anotherepisode and different topics, so
I hope you will join us then.
In the meantime, thank you somuch for being here.
I will include a link in theshow notes to our free virtual
(25:48):
support group, lift the Shame.
If you are a mama or mama to beneeding more support around
food or body image, we'd love tohave you.
So thank you so much again forjoining and thank you for the
great question.
I can't wait to catch up withyou next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
(26:08):
connect with me on Instagram atCrystal Cargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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