November 12, 2023 • 22 mins
Ever wondered how to navigate the difficult terrain of parenting during the festive season while breaking free from the chains of family trauma and shame? This heartening episode of Lift the Shame is your guiding compass. Equipped with insights from a recent parenting conference and personal experiences, we tackle the high-pressure responsibilities that come with holidays and the compulsion to overcompensate. We stress on the necessity of self-care and the courage to keep your mental health at the forefront. Remember, the ultimate goal is to create a secure bonding with your children and build a nurturing environment.
The second part of our discussion meanders towards the seldom-addressed issue of grieving and its link to parenting. We unfold the significance of the grieving process, its individuality, and the indispensable need for supportive companions. We illuminate different facets of grieving and introduce the concept of re-parenting oneself. It’s a journey of self-discovery and growth, not a destination. Be kind, forgive, and allow yourself to grieve for what you didn't have. This empowers you to move forward and provide your children with a healing touch. This episode is a gentle nudge towards self-acceptance and creating a safe space for your emotional health.
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
As always, I so appreciate youtuning in and taking some time
(00:43):
to hang out with me, and we areshifting gears here on the
podcast.
Over the last few weeks we tooka deeper dive into some
different topics related tosweets and sugar and our kids,
and I hope you found thosehelpful, and we are very much
going into this holiday season.
I feel like Halloween is justthe start and you can definitely
(01:06):
feel the energy and the air interms of the pace is picking up
and that holiday pressure, so tosay as I would describe it
pressure to do all the thingsand be all the things,
especially for our kiddos.
I definitely have some holidayrelated podcasts coming for you
on the show over the next fewweeks, but I thought I would
(01:26):
take today to just speak someencouragement to you, because I
know that the holiday season canbe fraught with so many
different emotions, especiallyin our times today.
There's so much happeningaround us in our country and our
world, and I know that you arehere because you are a cycle
breaker.
You want to do thingsdifferently for your family, for
(01:49):
your children.
You want to leave your childrena legacy that isn't tainted by
diet, culture or food guilt orbody shame, and I love that
about you and I share thatdesire with you.
And I also know that with thatcomes a lot of pressure and we
put a lot on our shoulders as wetry to blaze a path for our
children that we've never walkedbefore.
(02:11):
And so, before we dive into allthese different topics related
to the holidays, which we willin the upcoming weeks, I just
wanted to share someencouragement for you, my friend
, and I guess where this iscoming from I recently had an
opportunity to be part of aparenting conference that was
all about building a secureattachment with our children,
(02:34):
and I loved it so much.
I have a notebook full of notesand I'm hoping that I can share
some of those insights with youover the upcoming months.
It was absolutely fantastic,and also there was so much that
I took away from that conference.
That just reminds me of theimportance of reconnecting to
ourselves and our values and thethings that are important to us
(02:56):
, especially as we move throughseasons of our life where you
may feel like there are certainexpectations put on you, either
by yourself or by other people,and certainly the holiday season
can be one of those times, andso I wanted to share just a few
tidbits of encouragement that Ireceived from this parenting
conference and put my own littlespin on it for you.
(03:17):
And these are things toconsider not just during this
holiday season, although I dofeel that pressures and
responsibilities often weighheavier on us during holiday
seasons and again, there's somuch that can come up during the
holidays that can bring up somany different mixed emotions.
It can cause past trauma toresurface I mean there's a lot
that can happen during theholiday season but also just in
(03:40):
thinking about your parentingjourney at large, like the
broader context of parentingspecifically as a cycle breaker,
meaning you are activelyworking to break generational
cycles of trauma and shame andare trying to do things
differently with your kids.
And this is hard.
(04:00):
It's a hard process and it'ssomething that requires a lot of
care and attention to yourselfand your needs and learning to
do things differently,especially things that weren't
necessarily modeled to us asparents, and so I just wanted to
speak some of thatencouragement to you.
One thing about the holidaysthat I've certainly noticed
about myself over the years andhave been trying to work through
(04:23):
and I also notice in otherpeople as well, especially cycle
breakers is that sometimes, ineffort to do things differently
with our children, we tend toovercompensate for maybe things
that we didn't have or maybethings that we weren't capable
of giving our children when theywere younger.
And this can really rear itshead during the holiday season,
(04:45):
when we want to make thingsmemorable and magical for our
children and perhaps give theman experience around the
holidays that maybe we didn'tnecessarily have growing up.
Problem is that in our effortto do that, it can be easy to
overcompensate, which oftenlooks like excessive attention
or monitoring or hovering overour kids, sometimes in attempt
(05:06):
to remedy our own deficienciesthat we had in our upbringing,
and this can come at the expenseof our mental health and
well-being and in actuallybuilding a secure attachment
with our own children.
On the other side, we can alsobe so scared of messing up or
doing the wrong thing that itmakes us more permissive or
(05:27):
passive as a parent, which againcan make it difficult to build
a healthy and strongrelationship with our children.
And this can be hard becauseoften it stems from our own
upbringing, from our ownexperiences, but also in our
attempt to correct thedeficiencies that many of us had
growing up and with our ownfamilies, whether it was food or
(05:47):
a body image or discipline.
There are so many areas that weare trying to write the ship
with with our own parents, andthat process of correcting can
sometimes lead to those sides ofthe extreme, whether it's
either overcompensating orpassivity.
Permissiveness with ourchildren.
Sometimes, as cycle breakers, weare so focused on just getting
(06:09):
it right, on doing right by ourchildren, whether it's with food
or how we're connecting orengaging with them, or body
image.
We just want to get it right,and I know this from
conversations that I've had withparents like yourself that we
don't want our children tosuffer with the same things that
we went through, and I get that.
(06:30):
I feel that at my core.
And yet I think sometimes welose sight of ourselves.
In this process of focusing onour children and focusing on
creating this new legacy forthem, we sometimes can become
disconnected from ourselves andwhat we really need, and that
can often compound problems thatwe're dealing with.
I know this expression is supercliche, but you've heard it said
(06:54):
that you can't pour from anempty cup, and the more I think
about that in light of parentingand being a cycle breaker, the
more I understand that it's verydifficult to give our children
what we haven't given toourselves yet or learn to give
ourselves.
And we can to some degree, andI think many of us sometimes are
(07:14):
motivated by being able to dosomething for our children.
But I've also learned that itis important to learn how to
nurture ourselves and rediscoverour needs and learn to attend
to our needs in a gentle, caringway, rather than just always
moving towards the next thingand often sideline being
ourselves and the things that welegitimately need as well, and
(07:37):
when we can learn to care forourselves and even just
acknowledge there's maybe manydeficits that we had growing up
in different ways.
However, when we canacknowledge those things and
learn to attend to ourselves andlearn to give ourselves the
things that we needed but maybedidn't have growing up, it
pivots the way that we approachparenting and the way we are
(07:59):
bringing up our children, whereit's not this overcompensation
like I have to make up for allthe things that I didn't have or
that I didn't do right versusI'm extending to you my child,
who I love an overflow of what Ihave learned and received for
myself, which is a really hardthing to do.
I realize that this is mucheasier said than done, and again
(08:22):
I noticed that during theholiday season in particular is
when we tend to overextendourselves as parents in so many
ways, and so I just wanted totalk through three different
things that you can be thinkingabout as you consider yourself
in this equation, because yourneeds, you, my friend, you
matter and the work that you'redoing is so important.
(08:46):
And in order to sustain thiswork that you're doing in terms
of being a cycle breaker anddoing things differently with
your children, it has to startwith you.
It has to start with how you'retaking care of yourself, and I
understand that as we wrap upthis year and think about
wrapping up this year, it canjust feel like a complete
burnout, like I just have tomake it through and cross the
(09:07):
finish line, and I just want youto be thinking about some of
these things in terms of caringfor yourself, because I know
that your kids mean everythingto you.
You want them to be able tohave a different experience and
a different upbringing thanmaybe you had, and that is a
beautiful thing, and it's alsoimportant to take the time that
you need to fill up that cup foryourself, because you are also
(09:30):
deserving of those things, andthis is something that many of
us are doing.
We are re-parenting ourselvesas we're parenting our own
children in many differentfacets, when it comes to how
we're approaching food and howwe're approaching parties and
meal times and all the things.
So here are some things that Ijust want to encourage you with
to think about.
Number one is give yourselfgrace, but, more specifically,
(09:52):
another way to think about thisis to forgive yourself.
This is something that has beenreally hard for me and
something that I'm continuing towork through, and I think many
of us, as parents, caninternalize shame, or this
shameful narrative that'sconstantly running through our
heads that we're not good enoughor we're not doing it right or
we're not doing enough, and thatis where that overcompensation
(10:13):
can often fester from.
And so I just want to speakthis encouragement to you, and
that is to just forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for what youdidn't know or what you didn't
have, or what resources that youdidn't have.
It can be easy to blame yourselffor things that didn't go the
way that you wanted them to,whether it's for your children
or how you grew up, and we can'tparent our children from a
(10:37):
place of wholeness if we areholding ourselves hostage to
shame and all the things that weregret or maybe wanted to do
differently.
There's so much that we'relearning, there's so many things
that we're doing differently,and we have to realize that we
are doing the best that we canwith the resources and the
information that we had at thetime.
You are doing the best that youcan, and the parent that is
(11:00):
present today is not the sameparent that was showing up for
your children years ago,depending on where you're in
your parenting journey, but justrealizing that we're constantly
growing and learning andevolving and we can't hold it
against ourselves for thingsthat we didn't know in the
earlier parts of our parentingjourney.
This is something that, again,I am working through myself.
(11:22):
After my first three children,I went through an intense
struggle with postpartumdepression and it still grieves
me to this day for the ways thatI couldn't show up for my
children, the ways that I wasn'tpresent for them emotionally,
and it has taken significantwork on my part to be able to
forgive myself for that.
(11:42):
And they're growing up andthere's so much about their
childhood that I feel like Imissed out on because I was
struggling.
And I also have to look atmyself from a compassionate lens
and realize that it wasn't myfault, that I was struggling and
that I was doing the best thatI could with the resources that
I had in my life at the time.
And I share that, because Ithink this is a common thread
(12:04):
that many of us struggle with.
We regret or shame ourselvesfor the ways that we couldn't
show up for our children or thethings that we wish we could
have done different.
And wherever you are at on yourparenting journey, I just want
to encourage you with that Learnto forgive yourself, to give
yourself compassion for what youdidn't know or what you
couldn't do or where you were atat the time and knowing that
(12:26):
you truly were doing the bestthat you could.
It's difficult to be a parent inthis day and age.
Many of us are parenting withvery little support, and that is
even harder to do when you'retrying to be a cycle breaker.
Maybe you've had to cut offsome relationships in some
capacity because you realizethat they were toxic or not
healthy for you or your familyand that can feel very isolating
(12:49):
, and you don't want to makeyourself even more isolated by
living in shame about yourselfor how you parent or how you're
mothering your children.
So when I say, give yourselfgrace, be able to extend
yourself forgiveness in the sameway that you would to your
children or to your partner,that this is part of being human
is learning and growing andrealizing that we just can't get
(13:11):
it right all the time and wecan't be expected to live to
this arbitrary standard ofperfection.
This is something that I do seecharacteristic of many cycle
breakers Like we're so eager todo things differently that we
hold ourselves to such a highstandard that it's almost
impossible and you don't want toput that over yourself, because
there's no such thing asperfect.
(13:33):
There is beauty in being able torepair with our children and
being able to apologize to themand let them see our humanness
and that it's okay that we messup, and how to ask for
forgiveness, how to make thingsright when things happen, how to
give ourselves grace, so thatour children can learn to do
that for themselves too, becausethat's what we want for our
(13:53):
kids, right, and so it has tostart with us being able to
extend that to ourselves.
So that's the first thing Iwant to share with you.
The second thing that, again,is very hard.
All of these things are veryhard, easier said than done,
also important to think about.
But the second thing here is togrieve.
Allow yourself to grieve whatyou didn't have, what you needed
(14:14):
, and maybe what you're stillneeding and not getting, and
understanding that grief is aprocess.
This is very hard.
I think this step is very easyto gloss over or step over
because it's so uncomfortable.
Grief is hard to sit in, and Idefinitely want to encourage you
to perhaps consider doing thiswith a safe person or a loved,
(14:34):
trusted person in your life, sothat you're not alone in your
grief.
But I really feel like this isa necessary step in order for us
to move forward and caring forourselves and our children in a
life giving way and to avoid thetrap of overcompensation.
What I have learned from my ownjourney is that when I've
allowed myself to grieve, thatit really does help release that
(14:58):
pain and shame from my body, sothat it's not holding my
nervous system hostage, becausewhen we are internalizing all of
that, it can just bubble upinside of us with nowhere to go.
So many of us are living ourlives and trying to parent while
also holding on to grief,either because we don't know how
to grieve, or we don't feelsafe to grieve, or we don't have
(15:20):
support to help us grieve.
All of these things are validreasons why you might not be
able to grieve, and I just wantto encourage you to think about
what that might look like andwhat is it that you may need to
grieve and give yourself spaceto grieve.
And again, I would highlyencourage you to do this in the
presence of a loved one, atrusted person, a safe person, a
(15:42):
counselor, a therapist, someonethat can maybe help you walk
through this, because the lastthing you want is to walk
through your grief alone.
Sometimes it can feel likeyou're opening the floodgates
and it's too much at once, andthat can feel overwhelming and
sometimes even be furthertraumatizing to your body and
your nervous system.
I also think there are differentways in which we grieve.
Sometimes we need to sit in theemotion and release it from our
(16:06):
body in the form of crying ortears, whatever that might look
like.
Other times it's journaling orbeing able to materialize the
things that we find ourselvesthinking about but just never
really allow ourselves to fullyprocess or think through.
Sometimes it's externalprocessing, like being able to
talk it out with somebody else.
That can be all very healingways in which we process our
(16:29):
grief.
And just to give you examplesfrom my own journey for myself,
my grief and parenting has beenlayered and complex.
I'll say there has been griefgrieving what I didn't have
growing up as a child, what Ineeded from my caregivers but
didn't receive.
And then there is also grief,again as a parent, of not being
(16:49):
able to show up for my childrenin the ways that I wanted to,
and I shared a little bit ofthat about dealing with
postpartum depression and justnot being able to give my
children or show up for them inways that they needed.
There are so many differentlayers to grief, and the ways
that it impacts you as a parentare going to be different and
very individual, which is why Ijust want to encourage you to go
(17:11):
gently with yourself and justconsider what are some things
that I need to grieve that Ihaven't allowed myself to think
about or process or feel, andalso just being compassionate
with yourself, knowing thatthese things are hard to feel,
they're hard and painful, andespecially if they're deep,
deep-rooted griefs that go backto our childhood.
(17:31):
This is hard stuff, and I wouldalso say don't put a timeline
on it either.
This is what I've noticed aboutgrief is.
Sometimes grief shows up inunexpected ways and this is
something that I definitely seeand experience during the
holidays when something canunexpectedly trigger that grief
in you and, rather than fightingit or shoving it down, just
(17:54):
noticing it, getting curiousabout it and giving yourself
permission to grieve what waslost, what you didn't have, what
you needed.
All of those things are sovalid and realizing that this is
a process, too that, as much aswe wish we could just do it and
be done with it and get it overwith.
It doesn't work like that, andwhen we can give ourselves
(18:15):
permission to allow it to bewhat it needs to be, we can move
through it in a much morehealing way, and that really
truly does allow us to show upfor our kids from our healed
parts, not our broken parts, notthe parts of us that are still
wounded, and that is thelong-term goal.
So something to think about,and even just as a journal
(18:35):
prompt for you to consider, iswriting down or processing what
are some things that you want togrieve or want to process in
more depth, either from yourchildhood, from your parenting
journey, or there are thingsthat you needed, that never got
or wished you could have donedifferently.
Those can be some clues as towhere you need to grieve and be
(18:56):
able to release that pain andshame from your body.
So when we can do the work offorgiving ourselves and allowing
ourselves to grieve, I believeit really opens it up.
Up for the last step or tidbitof encouragement I want to give
you, which is growing andrealizing that this journey of
growing and discovery,self-discovery as a person, as a
(19:17):
parent, is an ongoing processand when we have done that hard
work, of being able to forgiveourselves, of being able to
grieve what we didn't have, whatwe needed.
I really believe that thatopens up the possibility for us
to grow in a healing way, wherewe can learn to nurture
ourselves and start to giveourselves the things that we
(19:38):
needed the re-parenting journey.
It's really hard to do this, togrow and move forward, if you
find yourself stuck in the past,which is why I believe it's
really important to think aboutor move through those first two
steps, because so often, ascycle breakers, we are learning
the strategies.
We're learning the positiveparenting strategies.
We're learning the scripts.
(19:59):
We're learning the morebeneficial ways to engage with
and talk with our children.
We're learning all the things.
I know you, mama, I know thatyou're learning everything that
you can to do things differentlywith your children, and
sometimes it's easy to forgetthat it's hard to implement
those things in the present whenwe're still stuck in our past,
(20:20):
and that is why, again, it is soimportant and necessary in
order to be able to not justtalk, to talk, but actually walk
the walk with our children, wehave to be able to move through
those things.
We have to be able to forgiveourselves, give ourselves, grace
and grieve, what we didn't have, what we needed before we can
actually truly implement thesethings for our children.
(20:42):
This is where I can see how weare allowed to give ourselves
that permission to be a goodenough parent, because there's
no such thing as a perfectparent.
But we can be good enough.
We can be what and who ourchildren need without
self-sacrificing what weourselves need as parents.
It allows for genuineconnection and secure attachment
(21:03):
with our children, versuscoming at it from a place of
guilt or shame.
And that is just my words ofencouragement to you, my friend,
before you jump into thebusyness of this holiday season
and thinking about all thethings that everybody else needs
, just remembering that yourneeds are just as valid.
You are equally deserving ofthe love and attention and care
(21:27):
and nurturing that you'repouring into your children.
And, in fact, when you learn togive those things to yourself
first, it becomes easier toextend that to your children,
naturally, versus forcing it ina way that may come across as
ingenuine.
So I hope this gives you someencouragement, just some things
to think about as you're goingthrough and moving through this
holiday season.
I know it can be stressful andbring up so many different
(21:49):
things, but just know how lovedyou are.
Just know that I'm here for youand would always love to hear
from you.
If you have any questions ortopic requests as we go through
this holiday season, feel freeto connect with me and share
your thoughts and just giveyourself permission to be a good
enough parent and know thatthat my friend is enough.
(22:10):
So, as always, I'm sending youso much love and look forward to
connecting with you next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour mother-her journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
As always, I so appreciate youtuning in and taking some time
(00:43):
to hang out with me, and we areshifting gears here on the
podcast.
Over the last few weeks we tooka deeper dive into some
different topics related tosweets and sugar and our kids,
and I hope you found thosehelpful, and we are very much
going into this holiday season.
I feel like Halloween is justthe start and you can definitely
(01:06):
feel the energy and the air interms of the pace is picking up
and that holiday pressure, so tosay as I would describe it
pressure to do all the thingsand be all the things,
especially for our kiddos.
I definitely have some holidayrelated podcasts coming for you
on the show over the next fewweeks, but I thought I would
(01:26):
take today to just speak someencouragement to you, because I
know that the holiday season canbe fraught with so many
different emotions, especiallyin our times today.
There's so much happeningaround us in our country and our
world, and I know that you arehere because you are a cycle
breaker.
You want to do thingsdifferently for your family, for
(01:49):
your children.
You want to leave your childrena legacy that isn't tainted by
diet, culture or food guilt orbody shame, and I love that
about you and I share thatdesire with you.
And I also know that with thatcomes a lot of pressure and we
put a lot on our shoulders as wetry to blaze a path for our
children that we've never walkedbefore.
(02:11):
And so, before we dive into allthese different topics related
to the holidays, which we willin the upcoming weeks, I just
wanted to share someencouragement for you, my friend
, and I guess where this iscoming from I recently had an
opportunity to be part of aparenting conference that was
all about building a secureattachment with our children,
(02:34):
and I loved it so much.
I have a notebook full of notesand I'm hoping that I can share
some of those insights with youover the upcoming months.
It was absolutely fantastic,and also there was so much that
I took away from that conference.
That just reminds me of theimportance of reconnecting to
ourselves and our values and thethings that are important to us
(02:56):
, especially as we move throughseasons of our life where you
may feel like there are certainexpectations put on you, either
by yourself or by other people,and certainly the holiday season
can be one of those times, andso I wanted to share just a few
tidbits of encouragement that Ireceived from this parenting
conference and put my own littlespin on it for you.
(03:17):
And these are things toconsider not just during this
holiday season, although I dofeel that pressures and
responsibilities often weighheavier on us during holiday
seasons and again, there's somuch that can come up during the
holidays that can bring up somany different mixed emotions.
It can cause past trauma toresurface I mean there's a lot
that can happen during theholiday season but also just in
(03:40):
thinking about your parentingjourney at large, like the
broader context of parentingspecifically as a cycle breaker,
meaning you are activelyworking to break generational
cycles of trauma and shame andare trying to do things
differently with your kids.
And this is hard.
(04:00):
It's a hard process and it'ssomething that requires a lot of
care and attention to yourselfand your needs and learning to
do things differently,especially things that weren't
necessarily modeled to us asparents, and so I just wanted to
speak some of thatencouragement to you.
One thing about the holidaysthat I've certainly noticed
about myself over the years andhave been trying to work through
(04:23):
and I also notice in otherpeople as well, especially cycle
breakers is that sometimes, ineffort to do things differently
with our children, we tend toovercompensate for maybe things
that we didn't have or maybethings that we weren't capable
of giving our children when theywere younger.
And this can really rear itshead during the holiday season,
(04:45):
when we want to make thingsmemorable and magical for our
children and perhaps give theman experience around the
holidays that maybe we didn'tnecessarily have growing up.
Problem is that in our effortto do that, it can be easy to
overcompensate, which oftenlooks like excessive attention
or monitoring or hovering overour kids, sometimes in attempt
(05:06):
to remedy our own deficienciesthat we had in our upbringing,
and this can come at the expenseof our mental health and
well-being and in actuallybuilding a secure attachment
with our own children.
On the other side, we can alsobe so scared of messing up or
doing the wrong thing that itmakes us more permissive or
(05:27):
passive as a parent, which againcan make it difficult to build
a healthy and strongrelationship with our children.
And this can be hard becauseoften it stems from our own
upbringing, from our ownexperiences, but also in our
attempt to correct thedeficiencies that many of us had
growing up and with our ownfamilies, whether it was food or
(05:47):
a body image or discipline.
There are so many areas that weare trying to write the ship
with with our own parents, andthat process of correcting can
sometimes lead to those sides ofthe extreme, whether it's
either overcompensating orpassivity.
Permissiveness with ourchildren.
Sometimes, as cycle breakers, weare so focused on just getting
(06:09):
it right, on doing right by ourchildren, whether it's with food
or how we're connecting orengaging with them, or body
image.
We just want to get it right,and I know this from
conversations that I've had withparents like yourself that we
don't want our children tosuffer with the same things that
we went through, and I get that.
(06:30):
I feel that at my core.
And yet I think sometimes welose sight of ourselves.
In this process of focusing onour children and focusing on
creating this new legacy forthem, we sometimes can become
disconnected from ourselves andwhat we really need, and that
can often compound problems thatwe're dealing with.
I know this expression is supercliche, but you've heard it said
(06:54):
that you can't pour from anempty cup, and the more I think
about that in light of parentingand being a cycle breaker, the
more I understand that it's verydifficult to give our children
what we haven't given toourselves yet or learn to give
ourselves.
And we can to some degree, andI think many of us sometimes are
(07:14):
motivated by being able to dosomething for our children.
But I've also learned that itis important to learn how to
nurture ourselves and rediscoverour needs and learn to attend
to our needs in a gentle, caringway, rather than just always
moving towards the next thingand often sideline being
ourselves and the things that welegitimately need as well, and
(07:37):
when we can learn to care forourselves and even just
acknowledge there's maybe manydeficits that we had growing up
in different ways.
However, when we canacknowledge those things and
learn to attend to ourselves andlearn to give ourselves the
things that we needed but maybedidn't have growing up, it
pivots the way that we approachparenting and the way we are
(07:59):
bringing up our children, whereit's not this overcompensation
like I have to make up for allthe things that I didn't have or
that I didn't do right versusI'm extending to you my child,
who I love an overflow of what Ihave learned and received for
myself, which is a really hardthing to do.
I realize that this is mucheasier said than done, and again
(08:22):
I noticed that during theholiday season in particular is
when we tend to overextendourselves as parents in so many
ways, and so I just wanted totalk through three different
things that you can be thinkingabout as you consider yourself
in this equation, because yourneeds, you, my friend, you
matter and the work that you'redoing is so important.
(08:46):
And in order to sustain thiswork that you're doing in terms
of being a cycle breaker anddoing things differently with
your children, it has to startwith you.
It has to start with how you'retaking care of yourself, and I
understand that as we wrap upthis year and think about
wrapping up this year, it canjust feel like a complete
burnout, like I just have tomake it through and cross the
(09:07):
finish line, and I just want youto be thinking about some of
these things in terms of caringfor yourself, because I know
that your kids mean everythingto you.
You want them to be able tohave a different experience and
a different upbringing thanmaybe you had, and that is a
beautiful thing, and it's alsoimportant to take the time that
you need to fill up that cup foryourself, because you are also
(09:30):
deserving of those things, andthis is something that many of
us are doing.
We are re-parenting ourselvesas we're parenting our own
children in many differentfacets, when it comes to how
we're approaching food and howwe're approaching parties and
meal times and all the things.
So here are some things that Ijust want to encourage you with
to think about.
Number one is give yourselfgrace, but, more specifically,
(09:52):
another way to think about thisis to forgive yourself.
This is something that has beenreally hard for me and
something that I'm continuing towork through, and I think many
of us, as parents, caninternalize shame, or this
shameful narrative that'sconstantly running through our
heads that we're not good enoughor we're not doing it right or
we're not doing enough, and thatis where that overcompensation
(10:13):
can often fester from.
And so I just want to speakthis encouragement to you, and
that is to just forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself for what youdidn't know or what you didn't
have, or what resources that youdidn't have.
It can be easy to blame yourselffor things that didn't go the
way that you wanted them to,whether it's for your children
or how you grew up, and we can'tparent our children from a
(10:37):
place of wholeness if we areholding ourselves hostage to
shame and all the things that weregret or maybe wanted to do
differently.
There's so much that we'relearning, there's so many things
that we're doing differently,and we have to realize that we
are doing the best that we canwith the resources and the
information that we had at thetime.
You are doing the best that youcan, and the parent that is
(11:00):
present today is not the sameparent that was showing up for
your children years ago,depending on where you're in
your parenting journey, but justrealizing that we're constantly
growing and learning andevolving and we can't hold it
against ourselves for thingsthat we didn't know in the
earlier parts of our parentingjourney.
This is something that, again,I am working through myself.
(11:22):
After my first three children,I went through an intense
struggle with postpartumdepression and it still grieves
me to this day for the ways thatI couldn't show up for my
children, the ways that I wasn'tpresent for them emotionally,
and it has taken significantwork on my part to be able to
forgive myself for that.
(11:42):
And they're growing up andthere's so much about their
childhood that I feel like Imissed out on because I was
struggling.
And I also have to look atmyself from a compassionate lens
and realize that it wasn't myfault, that I was struggling and
that I was doing the best thatI could with the resources that
I had in my life at the time.
And I share that, because Ithink this is a common thread
(12:04):
that many of us struggle with.
We regret or shame ourselvesfor the ways that we couldn't
show up for our children or thethings that we wish we could
have done different.
And wherever you are at on yourparenting journey, I just want
to encourage you with that Learnto forgive yourself, to give
yourself compassion for what youdidn't know or what you
couldn't do or where you were atat the time and knowing that
(12:26):
you truly were doing the bestthat you could.
It's difficult to be a parent inthis day and age.
Many of us are parenting withvery little support, and that is
even harder to do when you'retrying to be a cycle breaker.
Maybe you've had to cut offsome relationships in some
capacity because you realizethat they were toxic or not
healthy for you or your familyand that can feel very isolating
(12:49):
, and you don't want to makeyourself even more isolated by
living in shame about yourselfor how you parent or how you're
mothering your children.
So when I say, give yourselfgrace, be able to extend
yourself forgiveness in the sameway that you would to your
children or to your partner,that this is part of being human
is learning and growing andrealizing that we just can't get
(13:11):
it right all the time and wecan't be expected to live to
this arbitrary standard ofperfection.
This is something that I do seecharacteristic of many cycle
breakers Like we're so eager todo things differently that we
hold ourselves to such a highstandard that it's almost
impossible and you don't want toput that over yourself, because
there's no such thing asperfect.
(13:33):
There is beauty in being able torepair with our children and
being able to apologize to themand let them see our humanness
and that it's okay that we messup, and how to ask for
forgiveness, how to make thingsright when things happen, how to
give ourselves grace, so thatour children can learn to do
that for themselves too, becausethat's what we want for our
(13:53):
kids, right, and so it has tostart with us being able to
extend that to ourselves.
So that's the first thing Iwant to share with you.
The second thing that, again,is very hard.
All of these things are veryhard, easier said than done,
also important to think about.
But the second thing here is togrieve.
Allow yourself to grieve whatyou didn't have, what you needed
(14:14):
, and maybe what you're stillneeding and not getting, and
understanding that grief is aprocess.
This is very hard.
I think this step is very easyto gloss over or step over
because it's so uncomfortable.
Grief is hard to sit in, and Idefinitely want to encourage you
to perhaps consider doing thiswith a safe person or a loved,
(14:34):
trusted person in your life, sothat you're not alone in your
grief.
But I really feel like this isa necessary step in order for us
to move forward and caring forourselves and our children in a
life giving way and to avoid thetrap of overcompensation.
What I have learned from my ownjourney is that when I've
allowed myself to grieve, thatit really does help release that
(14:58):
pain and shame from my body, sothat it's not holding my
nervous system hostage, becausewhen we are internalizing all of
that, it can just bubble upinside of us with nowhere to go.
So many of us are living ourlives and trying to parent while
also holding on to grief,either because we don't know how
to grieve, or we don't feelsafe to grieve, or we don't have
(15:20):
support to help us grieve.
All of these things are validreasons why you might not be
able to grieve, and I just wantto encourage you to think about
what that might look like andwhat is it that you may need to
grieve and give yourself spaceto grieve.
And again, I would highlyencourage you to do this in the
presence of a loved one, atrusted person, a safe person, a
(15:42):
counselor, a therapist, someonethat can maybe help you walk
through this, because the lastthing you want is to walk
through your grief alone.
Sometimes it can feel likeyou're opening the floodgates
and it's too much at once, andthat can feel overwhelming and
sometimes even be furthertraumatizing to your body and
your nervous system.
I also think there are differentways in which we grieve.
Sometimes we need to sit in theemotion and release it from our
(16:06):
body in the form of crying ortears, whatever that might look
like.
Other times it's journaling orbeing able to materialize the
things that we find ourselvesthinking about but just never
really allow ourselves to fullyprocess or think through.
Sometimes it's externalprocessing, like being able to
talk it out with somebody else.
That can be all very healingways in which we process our
(16:29):
grief.
And just to give you examplesfrom my own journey for myself,
my grief and parenting has beenlayered and complex.
I'll say there has been griefgrieving what I didn't have
growing up as a child, what Ineeded from my caregivers but
didn't receive.
And then there is also grief,again as a parent, of not being
(16:49):
able to show up for my childrenin the ways that I wanted to,
and I shared a little bit ofthat about dealing with
postpartum depression and justnot being able to give my
children or show up for them inways that they needed.
There are so many differentlayers to grief, and the ways
that it impacts you as a parentare going to be different and
very individual, which is why Ijust want to encourage you to go
(17:11):
gently with yourself and justconsider what are some things
that I need to grieve that Ihaven't allowed myself to think
about or process or feel, andalso just being compassionate
with yourself, knowing thatthese things are hard to feel,
they're hard and painful, andespecially if they're deep,
deep-rooted griefs that go backto our childhood.
(17:31):
This is hard stuff, and I wouldalso say don't put a timeline
on it either.
This is what I've noticed aboutgrief is.
Sometimes grief shows up inunexpected ways and this is
something that I definitely seeand experience during the
holidays when something canunexpectedly trigger that grief
in you and, rather than fightingit or shoving it down, just
(17:54):
noticing it, getting curiousabout it and giving yourself
permission to grieve what waslost, what you didn't have, what
you needed.
All of those things are sovalid and realizing that this is
a process, too that, as much aswe wish we could just do it and
be done with it and get it overwith.
It doesn't work like that, andwhen we can give ourselves
(18:15):
permission to allow it to bewhat it needs to be, we can move
through it in a much morehealing way, and that really
truly does allow us to show upfor our kids from our healed
parts, not our broken parts, notthe parts of us that are still
wounded, and that is thelong-term goal.
So something to think about,and even just as a journal
(18:35):
prompt for you to consider, iswriting down or processing what
are some things that you want togrieve or want to process in
more depth, either from yourchildhood, from your parenting
journey, or there are thingsthat you needed, that never got
or wished you could have donedifferently.
Those can be some clues as towhere you need to grieve and be
(18:56):
able to release that pain andshame from your body.
So when we can do the work offorgiving ourselves and allowing
ourselves to grieve, I believeit really opens it up.
Up for the last step or tidbitof encouragement I want to give
you, which is growing andrealizing that this journey of
growing and discovery,self-discovery as a person, as a
(19:17):
parent, is an ongoing processand when we have done that hard
work, of being able to forgiveourselves, of being able to
grieve what we didn't have, whatwe needed.
I really believe that thatopens up the possibility for us
to grow in a healing way, wherewe can learn to nurture
ourselves and start to giveourselves the things that we
(19:38):
needed the re-parenting journey.
It's really hard to do this, togrow and move forward, if you
find yourself stuck in the past,which is why I believe it's
really important to think aboutor move through those first two
steps, because so often, ascycle breakers, we are learning
the strategies.
We're learning the positiveparenting strategies.
We're learning the scripts.
(19:59):
We're learning the morebeneficial ways to engage with
and talk with our children.
We're learning all the things.
I know you, mama, I know thatyou're learning everything that
you can to do things differentlywith your children, and
sometimes it's easy to forgetthat it's hard to implement
those things in the present whenwe're still stuck in our past,
(20:20):
and that is why, again, it is soimportant and necessary in
order to be able to not justtalk, to talk, but actually walk
the walk with our children, wehave to be able to move through
those things.
We have to be able to forgiveourselves, give ourselves, grace
and grieve, what we didn't have, what we needed before we can
actually truly implement thesethings for our children.
(20:42):
This is where I can see how weare allowed to give ourselves
that permission to be a goodenough parent, because there's
no such thing as a perfectparent.
But we can be good enough.
We can be what and who ourchildren need without
self-sacrificing what weourselves need as parents.
It allows for genuineconnection and secure attachment
(21:03):
with our children, versuscoming at it from a place of
guilt or shame.
And that is just my words ofencouragement to you, my friend,
before you jump into thebusyness of this holiday season
and thinking about all thethings that everybody else needs
, just remembering that yourneeds are just as valid.
You are equally deserving ofthe love and attention and care
(21:27):
and nurturing that you'repouring into your children.
And, in fact, when you learn togive those things to yourself
first, it becomes easier toextend that to your children,
naturally, versus forcing it ina way that may come across as
ingenuine.
So I hope this gives you someencouragement, just some things
to think about as you're goingthrough and moving through this
holiday season.
I know it can be stressful andbring up so many different
(21:49):
things, but just know how lovedyou are.
Just know that I'm here for youand would always love to hear
from you.
If you have any questions ortopic requests as we go through
this holiday season, feel freeto connect with me and share
your thoughts and just giveyourself permission to be a good
enough parent and know thatthat my friend is enough.
(22:10):
So, as always, I'm sending youso much love and look forward to
connecting with you next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour mother-her journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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