November 20, 2023 • 26 mins
As the holiday season rolls around, we're embraced by the warmth of family gatherings, yet often find ourselves confronting the frosty undercurrent of diet culture. In today's heartfelt episode of Lift the Shame, I, Crystal your intuitive eating dietitian, share my personal experiences and insights into arming our precious children against the ingrained food traditions and body image remarks that can sour our festive spirit. With a focus on creating a secure relationship built on trust and open communication, I offer a nurturing guide for parents to help their little ones affirm their food choices and body autonomy—because when we empower our kids to stand tall against generational pressures, we're also mending our own childhood stories and breaking free from the cycle of shame.
In our gathering today, we not only discuss strategies for fostering resilience in our children but also how we can prepare them to be their own champions in the face of societal norms. I delve into the nuances of family dynamics and how we can proactively support our kids to voice their insecurities and maintain a steadfast belief in themselves, even in our absence. The journey through proactive parenting is filled with practical tips and heartfelt scripts that you as a parent can adapt, all while ensuring our actions resonate with sincerity and genuine engagement. So come join me as we build a resilient foundation for our children, helping them to navigate not just this holiday season, but their entire futures, with a healthy, autonomous relationship with food and their bodies.
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
We are full swing in the holidayseason here, and one question
(00:43):
that comes up a lot around hereat this time is how to protect
our children from the variousforms of diet culture that they
may encounter as we engage indifferent holiday activities or
visit family and friends andthis is a big one and this is
something that I'm hoping I canhelp you with today.
Specifically when it comes toextended family members or our
(01:06):
family of origin, that is, mayberecycling old patterns around
food or bodies that we areactively trying to break and
shift away from.
This can be really tricky.
It can be really hard toreconnect with our family of
origin around the holiday season, particularly as this can be
triggering of old wounds aroundfood and body image that you may
(01:28):
have grown up with.
And now that your kids may beinteracting with the same family
members or friends or extendedfamily, it can be difficult or
challenging as you watch familymembers engage with your
children in the same way aroundfood or their bodies that they
did with you growing up.
So definitely a lot of layershere, and I want today to just
share some ideas on not just howyou can protect your child, but
(01:51):
also how you can prepare yourchild as a cycle breaker.
You may find yourself goinginto this mama bear mode where
you want to do everything inyour power to just shield your
child and protect them from somany of the things that you may
have experienced growing up,whether it is with family
members or our dieting cultureat large or anything in between.
(02:13):
There's so many things that Iknow you want to shield your
child from, and the holidayseason is no exception of that.
You want to protect them andagain, this can be a time of
year where a lot of those oldthings are coming back to the
surface as we engage with ourfamily of origin or are
revisiting family and friendsthat were a significant part of
(02:34):
old wounding or trauma aroundfood and bodies growing up.
And one thing I want you to bethinking about is how to prepare
your child proactively forthese types of situations, in
order that you can essentiallyhelp them learn and be able to
empower them to protect theirown relationship with food and
their bodies and to be able toadvocate for themselves when we
(02:55):
are not always there.
Of course, right now,especially if you have younger
children, it can be harder toimpart that type of knowledge at
this stage.
However, there are things thatwe can do.
There are messages that we canstart seeding in our children to
just help them remember thatthey are in charge of their
bodies, that they have autonomyover their bodies, and that we
(03:17):
can essentially help them buildthis narrative that will stay
with them throughout their lives, especially when we cannot be
there for them, and this is agreat time to practice this
during this holiday season.
I want to share a story with you, a little bit about my
upbringing and just an exampleof how this all plays out, to
help you, first of all, knowthat you're not alone, and to
(03:39):
just give you a bigger picturecontext of what we're looking at
when it comes to advocating forour children, but also just
preparing them to encounter dietculture in its various forms or
to be able to withstandgenerational wounding around
food and bodies that is stillvery active in many of our
family of origins.
So I grew up as a child of twoimmigrants who came to America
(04:02):
in search of a better life, onefrom the Middle East and one
from Mexico, and this resultedin an interesting upbringing
around food, especially as therewas a lot of trauma around food
for both of my parents.
So both of my parents grew upin food scarcity and food
insecurity, and also food was abig part of their culture, and
(04:24):
so coming to the United Statesand experiencing more
consistency and reliability withfood access definitely played a
role in how we were brought upas kids.
And one thing that was verytrue for both my parents was
this extension of feeding aslove.
Where I'm providing food foryou, I am giving you what I
(04:45):
didn't have growing up, and thisis my way of showing you love,
and this is the common themethat many of us grew up with
where our parents may havedemonstrated love or acceptance
to us by how they fed us or whatthey fed us.
The difficulty around that isthat many of us essentially can
separate from our own autonomy,from our own body's needs, in
(05:05):
order to find acceptance in thisway with our caregivers.
This was especially true Iexperienced with extended family
on both sides, so when we wouldsee our grandparents, for
example, during holidays or justany occasion when we would get
together as a family, there wasthis unspoken message of I have
prepared this food for you or Ihave brought this food for you
(05:27):
and I want to see you eat it,because this is my gift to you
and making this for you orbringing this to you is my way
of showing you how much I loveyou.
And while there is goodintention behind that, again
many of us stopped listening towhat our bodies need in order to
appease our caregivers or thepeople in our life that we
wanted to have their approval orthat we wanted to be in their
(05:50):
good graces.
And this is really challenging,especially as a child, when you
start to learn that when Ilisten to what other people want
from me, that is moreacceptable or that is more
desirable, and so we start topush our own needs aside to be
in the favor of our caregiversor extended family members, and
while there is good intentionbehind our caregivers feeding
(06:11):
and showing love in this way,there's an underlying narrative
that can be very challenging fora child to understand, and
typically how a childinternalizes this approach to
feeding is that I am only lovedor I am only accepted if I fill
in the blank, if I eat this foodthat's put in front of me, even
at the expense of overridingyour body's internal cues for
(06:33):
regulating food, or I need toeat something that I don't like
because if I don't, there's fearof being alienated or judgment
or criticism.
So all of this is things thatwe assimilate through our
experiences with our family oforigin and our caregivers or the
family members in our life thatwe grew up around, and this is
just an example.
Everyone's story is going to bedifferent.
(06:54):
This is just something that Iexperienced growing up,
especially from caregivers andextended family that
predominantly experienced foodinsecurity in their growing up.
What's challenging about this isthat those ingrained beliefs
that our family of origin mayhave don't necessarily go away.
Those are very ingrained,especially if they're connected
to trauma around food and bodiesgrowing up, and so we may see
(07:17):
this being perpetuated even toour own children as our kids
interact with our family oforigin or extended family
members.
Even if we are doing theinternal work around our
relationship with food and beingproactive and trying to shift
away from that generationaltrauma around food and bodies,
it can still permeate throughextended family members that are
interacting with our kids, andI know this can be a little bit
(07:39):
despairing to hear, because somany of us are doing this hard
work and yet these are stillthings that our children can
pick up on as they engage withour family of origin.
And this is a question that Iget a lot is basically how do I
deal with the grandparents orhow do I deal with these
caregivers that are taking careof my children in some way, or
(08:00):
that we're interacting with themin some way, and yet they're
still perpetuating these oldschool beliefs around food and
body that could potentially bedamaging to my child.
And I hear that and I get that,because so many of our
caregivers mean well, butthey're still often stuck in old
beliefs and old narrativesaround food and around their
(08:20):
bodies that are surfacing in theway that they may interact with
our children and I understandthis is something that I
definitely saw with my parentsand something that I witnessed
with extended family members asthey engaged with my kids, and
it definitely brought up a lotfor me because I essentially saw
extended family and my familyof origin doing things with my
children that were done with meas a kid and that definitely
(08:42):
activated some of that oldtrauma for me around food, where
there was messaging around youneed to sit at the table and eat
all of this, that clean yourplate club that I never want my
kids to be part of, or this ideaof oh, we work so hard to
prepare this meal for you, youreally need to try it or take a
bite, or eat this or eat that,or you need to eat some of this
(09:03):
before you can have dessert.
I mean, all of those old schoolbeliefs around food were very
strong and this was somethingthat I saw being extended to my
own kids.
And while there is some levelof advocacy work that we can and
should do with these familymembers, especially if your
child is going to be hereengaging with them or
(09:23):
interacting with them frequently, I also want you to see that
there are things that we candirectly do with our own
children.
It's not always easy to engagefamily of origin, especially
when we are trying to advocatefor our kids or say, hey, I
don't want you to talk aboutfood in this way, or talk about
bodies in this way, or I don'twant you to force my child to
(09:45):
eat anything.
Those are things that areimportant to say and verbalize.
However, it can be hard to dothat.
We may not always have theopportunity.
Sometimes you might be healingfrom a difficult relationship
with a family of origin, and itdoesn't always feel safe to have
those conversations withcertain family members.
I totally get that.
(10:06):
What I want you to see, though,is that there are still things
that you can proactively do withyour own child to help protect
them from some of thatgenerational trauma around food
and bodies or deep-seatedbeliefs in diet culture that are
still circulating in yourfamily.
It's hard.
It's so hard.
We're doing all this hard work,and yet it's still all around
(10:27):
us.
I don't want you to bediscouraged by that.
I want you to be aware of thatand then understand ways that
you can proactively help yourkids learn how to advocate for
themselves and protect their ownrelationship with food and
their bodies, because when theycan understand what feels right
or what feels wrong or not okaywhen it comes to how other
people are engaging with them orapproaching them around food or
(10:50):
their bodies, and also havetools to know what do I do in
these situations, this is whathelps them build resiliency so
that they don't succumb to thesame type of narratives that
many of us grew up with, andthis is what I want to just
briefly cover today.
I know that was a long-windedintroduction, but I just want to
cover some things that you cando with your child, and also I
(11:13):
will walk you through a scriptthat I have used with my own
kids and that you can customizewith your own child in whatever
way you need to.
But the idea here is that we arepreparing our children in a
proactive way for some of thethings that they may encounter
in the real world, be it withour family of origin, at holiday
(11:33):
gatherings or at school or inany other occasions.
When we can start embeddingthese things in our children,
this is what will become the newnorm for them.
This will become their message,their narrative that they
internalize, that they are incharge of their bodies, that
they have autonomy over theirbodies and what they get to eat,
or what they decide they wantto eat or what they decide they
(11:54):
don't want to eat.
These are things that we wantthem to carry with them
throughout their lives because,again, we won't always be there
for them, and I find that, inthe process of doing this, that
this can be super healing for ustoo.
So you may find that by helpingyour child find their voice and
helping your child learn how toadvocate for themselves, you're
imparting to them somethingthat you may have not had or
(12:18):
experienced as a child and thatcan be so healing for your inner
child that needed someone tospeak up for them when a
caregiver was pushing food onyou or making comments about
your body.
You have the opportunity to dothat now with your own child,
and by doing so, the extensionof that is that you are also
healing yourself.
So all of this is reallyimportant.
(12:38):
But let's just talk through somethings to think about when it
comes to preparing your kids,how to have these conversations,
things to look out for, andthen I will walk you through a
sample script of how you canactually talk to your child
about these things.
So first, we just want to bethinking about how to be in a
proactive state with ourchildren versus reactive, and
(13:01):
I'm going to delve more intowhat I mean about this.
Commonly, when we're in thisspace, a thing that I often hear
is what should I say when soand so says X about my child, or
is telling my child to do this,or is making a comment about
their body, or is telling themthey need to eat this before
that?
And those situations happen.
(13:21):
They come up very frequently,and I think having a set of
scripts can be really helpful inthese situations, especially
because so many of us arelearning how to do this.
The first time, we didn't havea caregiver speaking up for us,
and so now we're learning how todo it for our children, and it
can be really hard to know whatto say.
How do I navigate these typesof situations?
(13:42):
And so, yes, having scripts inthose situations can be helpful.
However, what I find is thatsometimes these situations can
be so triggering that it canmove you into a more reactive
state.
When you are hearing somebodycomment about their body or your
child's body, that can put youinto a place where you feel
(14:03):
unsafe in your own body, andoftentimes the reason for that
is because your nervous systemis being activated, and when
that happens, we move into astress response.
Physiologically, when we'reunder a stress response or when
our body is in distress, ourlogical thinking brain goes
offline and we're more likely tobe in a reactive state, and
(14:27):
that is why you might findyourself maybe lashing out or
maybe freezing and not knowingwhat to say in those situations,
because often what's comingwith these body comments or food
comments, or being in asituation where we are with our
family of origin and theenvironment itself may be super
triggering our body is goinginto that stress response and so
(14:48):
in those moments it can be evenharder and more challenging to
think about what do I say or howdo I advocate for my child,
especially when that logicalpart of your brain is literally
offline, and that is becauseyour body is just trying to
survive something that feelsvery unsafe.
And I'm not saying that weshouldn't or can't work through
(15:08):
those situations in order toadvocate for our child.
I just want you to see thatsometimes it can be harder to
advocate for our child becauseof things that are coming up for
us and we don't want to rely onthose moments alone.
This is where I think theproactive work can be so
essential and helpful topreparing our children to learn
(15:28):
how to advocate for themselvesin the event that we are
struggling to do so in thosemoments.
So, just thinking about theproactive work versus being in a
reactive state becausesometimes at least, is what I
have found for myself when Ihave been in those reactive
situations I often think aboutthings later on like, oh man, I
wish I would have said that or Iwish I would have been able to
(15:49):
do this.
And I just want you to giveyourself some compassion and
knowing that when we have thishistory with food that many of
us do, when there's any sense oftrauma in our past that can
quickly come to the surface inmany different situations,
especially when we'reinteracting with our family of
origin.
And so please be compassionatewith yourself and knowing that
you're doing the best you canfor yourself and for your child.
(16:11):
And this is where spending someintentional time in this
proactive work with our kids,where we can talk to them, where
we can share potentialscenarios that may come up,
where we can give themaffirmations and just affirm
their body, their autonomy,their appetites.
All of these things happen moreeffectively when we're not in a
stressed state, when we areable to be in our bodies and our
(16:37):
bodies don't feel distressed,and when we can be aligned with
the logical thinking part of ourbrain.
So, basically, what I'm sayingis that a lot of this work
happens outside of these moments, these heated moments where
things can come up or commentsmay happen, and so it takes time
.
This is not just an overnightsolution.
This takes a lot ofintentionality, a lot of
(16:57):
conversations that are happeningover time with our kids, and
that leads me to my next pointhere, which is this crucial
piece of building trust andconnection with our children.
Many of us grew up in asituation where we didn't have a
secure attachment with ourprimary caregivers, where we
grew up in fear of ourcaregivers or abandoning our
(17:19):
needs and our emotions in orderto appease the people in our
life who were supposed to takecare of us.
Many of us not grow up with thebenefit of having a trusted
person in our life that we couldconnect with or that was
reliably there for us, and so ifyou are learning to do this
with your child for the firsttime again, please just give
yourself so much compassion.
(17:40):
It's hard to do this work.
It's hard to be the first onein your family to make these
intentional efforts to buildthis trust and connection with
your child.
That is unconditional,especially if you haven't
experienced that or didn't growup with that, and what I want
you to see is that when we havethis secure foundation with our
children and they know that weare their safe base, that we are
(18:02):
able to hold space for them,for all of their challenges or
hard feelings or difficulties,the more they will be able to
come to us when things arecoming up that are challenging
for them, whether it's a commentthat somebody said or an
insecurity that they feel intheir bodies.
When that Trust and connectionis there, it makes it so much
easier for our kids to findsafety in our relationship.
(18:24):
And that is a bigger picture ofthe feeding relationship that
we have with our kids.
It's not just about food.
It's so much bigger than that,and feeding our kids doesn't
happen in a vacuum, and this iswhy having these long-term goals
in mind can be helpful, as itsears the direction of our
actions in the way that weengage with our kids, not just
around food, but in all thingsand the goal here is not
(18:48):
perfection and if you've beentuning into this podcast, I hope
you know that that is a commontheme the goal here is not to be
this perfect parent.
The goal is to just be a goodenough parent where we are able
to be there for our kids as bestas we can, and we're also human
and our kids can see that andlearn from us and know that they
are still safe to come to us.
(19:08):
And when our children know thatthere is trust and connection
in our relationship with them,they will know that we are that
safety anchor for them whenthings come up that feel
distressing or overwhelming inany way.
And sometimes I think that iswhat's missing with many of the
scripts that are circulating outthere that so many of us are
eager to pick up.
We want to know what to say andhow to say the right things.
(19:30):
However, we don't want toforget that behind that, behind
what we say, needs to be trustand connection.
And when we can lead from thatplace, our kids will know and
trust that what we're saying tothem is sincere and genuine.
And that leads me to this lastpoint here.
Just to consider is learning howto attune to your child.
(19:50):
Again, this can be much easiersaid than done, especially if
you grew up learning that yourneeds don't matter and
essentially dissociating fromyourself and everything that you
needed.
It can be hard to learn how toattune to our own children,
especially if you're justlearning how to do this for
yourself.
But when we can see andrecognize when our child is in
(20:12):
distress or something is comingup that where they might need
more support, this can behelpful for us to know if we
need to intervene, advocate,support or help our child.
Every child is going to bedifferent and so we want to
learn the child in front of us,the child that we have, and
understand.
What does it look like when mychild is in distress?
What does it look like when mychild is starting to become
(20:34):
overwhelmed or maybe sensoryoverloaded, and how can I step
in and help them?
We will be better able to dothat and more equipped to do
that when we can be attuned tothem, and this is especially
true in holiday situations orgatherings when there's a lot of
people, highly stimulatingenvironment, a lot of
conversation.
Sometimes our kids can get lostin the mix and it can be
(20:57):
helpful, especially if you knowthat you have a child who does
get overstimulated or maybe whodoes shut down or maybe who kind
of falls to the wayside whenother demands are surfacing.
It can be helpful just toremember.
Do I need to check in with them?
Does my kiddo need a break?
Do I need to remove them fromthe situation for a few minutes?
Attuning to our kids can help usunderstand when they need more
(21:19):
support.
This is especially true withfamily meals and gatherings.
If you're all sitting at thetable and you can see that your
child may be overwhelmed by theamount of food that's put in
front of them or people arestarting to make comments.
We just want to be aware andattuned to our child and what's
happening so that we know whenand how to support them.
So, with these things in mind,I would love to share just a
(21:42):
sample script or conversationstarter that you can have with
your child before holidaygatherings or meals or any type
of situation that you thinkcould potentially bring up some
things for yourself or yourchild around food and their
bodies, particularly when you'regoing back to family of origin
who may still be rooted in diet,culture or just old school ways
of approaching food the grandmathat you love who pushes food
(22:05):
on your child, or the aunt oruncle who's telling your child
they need to eat more, or eat abite of this before they can
have dessert, or hey, you'reeating too much dessert.
We want our children to havethis narrative in mind.
Ultimately, we want ourchildren to know and believe to
the core of their body that theyare unconditionally loved and
accepted by us, no matter howthey eat, no matter what their
(22:28):
appetite is or the size of theirbodies.
We want them to know that noneof those things change how we
feel about them or how we careabout them, and that they have
that love and acceptance nomatter what.
Because the minute that ourchildren start to question that,
they start to believe thattheir worth is dependent on how
they eat or what they eat or thesize of their body, that can be
(22:49):
such a breeding ground fordisordered eating, and the best
protective factor against thatis just reminding them of the
unconditional love that theyhave and that they are safe in
their bodies.
Of course, you can customizethis to the needs of your child
or your family or the age ofyour child.
Always feel free to adjustanything as needed To give you
(23:10):
something to start with and somethings to think about as you
have some of these conversationswith your kids.
First, you want to start withconnection.
Let your child know that youare so glad to spend time with
them.
That can sound like you knowwhat, honey, I'm so glad I get
to spend some time with youtoday.
How are you feeling?
And this just sets the tonebefore any event or holiday
gathering or meal that you mightbe going to.
(23:30):
The next thing you want to dois just reinforce your child's
bodily autonomy Again, becauseso many caregivers or people in
general that you might beinteracting with will tend to
override that by making commentsabout what your child should or
shouldn't eat.
So this can sound like sayingto your child remember that you
are the boss of your own body.
(23:51):
That means when we sit down toeat, you get to choose what you
want to eat from whatever foodsare available.
We really want to stress thatwith them.
Next, we want to be intentionalabout prioritizing our child's
safety, and this can look liketelling them you know what?
I want you to remember that youdon't have to eat or try
anything that you don't want to.
You can pick what looks good toyou.
(24:12):
There might be a lot more foodsthan we're used to seeing or
different things that we're notused to having, but I just want
you to remember that you don'thave to eat or try anything
unless you want to.
We also want to be intentionalabout reiterating our trust in
them.
This is so essential to helpingthem learn to build trust in
themselves, and that can soundlike I trust you to listen to
(24:33):
your body and what it needs.
You can trust your body andwhat it's telling you, and this
piggybacks really nicely on thatphrase of helping our kids know
that you are the boss of yourown body and you know what you
can trust, what your body istelling you.
The last thing we want to do, toround this out, is just to
provide support, and that canlook like saying I'm here for
you.
Whatever you might feel abouttoday is okay.
(24:56):
If you ever feel uncomfortable,we can go outside.
We can take a break together,you can tap mommy's hand.
You can come up with a secretword or a secret signal,
whatever it is.
Whatever I need to do to helpyou, I just want you to know
that I'm here for you, and thatcan be so soothing and such a
helpful reminder to our kidsthat if they're ever feeling
alone, that they don't have tosit in those feelings alone, or
(25:18):
if they're feeling scared oroverwhelmed that we are with
them, they don't have to sit inthemselves and in their inner
world by themselves, that wewill be there with them to
co-regulate and help themthrough this.
So I know this is short andbrief and sometimes that's just
what our kids need.
Sometimes they can't handle awhole lecture, but we just want
to hit those key points ofprioritizing safety, reiterating
(25:40):
trust and reminding them thatthey are in charge of their
bodies and ultimately helpingthem know that we are there to
support them.
So I hope this gives you somethings to think about, some
conversation starters, and Ihope you know that every brave
step you are taking matters foryou and your family.
I know holiday meals can be alot to navigate for both parents
and kids, and just remember tofocus on the relationship that
(26:01):
you're building with yourchildren and that is one that
prioritizes and centers safetyand connection and that can help
ride through some of thesechallenging or turbulent moments
that often surface duringholiday meals.
Thank you so much for takingsome time and spending some time
with me today.
I so appreciate you being here.
I hope you'll come back nextweek.
We'll be talking more aboutways to prioritize and care for
(26:23):
your relationship with foodduring the holidays, which can
also be challenging as well, soI hope to see you next week.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
We are full swing in the holidayseason here, and one question
(00:43):
that comes up a lot around hereat this time is how to protect
our children from the variousforms of diet culture that they
may encounter as we engage indifferent holiday activities or
visit family and friends andthis is a big one and this is
something that I'm hoping I canhelp you with today.
Specifically when it comes toextended family members or our
(01:06):
family of origin, that is, mayberecycling old patterns around
food or bodies that we areactively trying to break and
shift away from.
This can be really tricky.
It can be really hard toreconnect with our family of
origin around the holiday season, particularly as this can be
triggering of old wounds aroundfood and body image that you may
(01:28):
have grown up with.
And now that your kids may beinteracting with the same family
members or friends or extendedfamily, it can be difficult or
challenging as you watch familymembers engage with your
children in the same way aroundfood or their bodies that they
did with you growing up.
So definitely a lot of layershere, and I want today to just
share some ideas on not just howyou can protect your child, but
(01:51):
also how you can prepare yourchild as a cycle breaker.
You may find yourself goinginto this mama bear mode where
you want to do everything inyour power to just shield your
child and protect them from somany of the things that you may
have experienced growing up,whether it is with family
members or our dieting cultureat large or anything in between.
(02:13):
There's so many things that Iknow you want to shield your
child from, and the holidayseason is no exception of that.
You want to protect them andagain, this can be a time of
year where a lot of those oldthings are coming back to the
surface as we engage with ourfamily of origin or are
revisiting family and friendsthat were a significant part of
(02:34):
old wounding or trauma aroundfood and bodies growing up.
And one thing I want you to bethinking about is how to prepare
your child proactively forthese types of situations, in
order that you can essentiallyhelp them learn and be able to
empower them to protect theirown relationship with food and
their bodies and to be able toadvocate for themselves when we
(02:55):
are not always there.
Of course, right now,especially if you have younger
children, it can be harder toimpart that type of knowledge at
this stage.
However, there are things thatwe can do.
There are messages that we canstart seeding in our children to
just help them remember thatthey are in charge of their
bodies, that they have autonomyover their bodies, and that we
(03:17):
can essentially help them buildthis narrative that will stay
with them throughout their lives, especially when we cannot be
there for them, and this is agreat time to practice this
during this holiday season.
I want to share a story with you, a little bit about my
upbringing and just an exampleof how this all plays out, to
help you, first of all, knowthat you're not alone, and to
(03:39):
just give you a bigger picturecontext of what we're looking at
when it comes to advocating forour children, but also just
preparing them to encounter dietculture in its various forms or
to be able to withstandgenerational wounding around
food and bodies that is stillvery active in many of our
family of origins.
So I grew up as a child of twoimmigrants who came to America
(04:02):
in search of a better life, onefrom the Middle East and one
from Mexico, and this resultedin an interesting upbringing
around food, especially as therewas a lot of trauma around food
for both of my parents.
So both of my parents grew upin food scarcity and food
insecurity, and also food was abig part of their culture, and
(04:24):
so coming to the United Statesand experiencing more
consistency and reliability withfood access definitely played a
role in how we were brought upas kids.
And one thing that was verytrue for both my parents was
this extension of feeding aslove.
Where I'm providing food foryou, I am giving you what I
(04:45):
didn't have growing up, and thisis my way of showing you love,
and this is the common themethat many of us grew up with
where our parents may havedemonstrated love or acceptance
to us by how they fed us or whatthey fed us.
The difficulty around that isthat many of us essentially can
separate from our own autonomy,from our own body's needs, in
(05:05):
order to find acceptance in thisway with our caregivers.
This was especially true Iexperienced with extended family
on both sides, so when we wouldsee our grandparents, for
example, during holidays or justany occasion when we would get
together as a family, there wasthis unspoken message of I have
prepared this food for you or Ihave brought this food for you
(05:27):
and I want to see you eat it,because this is my gift to you
and making this for you orbringing this to you is my way
of showing you how much I loveyou.
And while there is goodintention behind that, again
many of us stopped listening towhat our bodies need in order to
appease our caregivers or thepeople in our life that we
wanted to have their approval orthat we wanted to be in their
(05:50):
good graces.
And this is really challenging,especially as a child, when you
start to learn that when Ilisten to what other people want
from me, that is moreacceptable or that is more
desirable, and so we start topush our own needs aside to be
in the favor of our caregiversor extended family members, and
while there is good intentionbehind our caregivers feeding
(06:11):
and showing love in this way,there's an underlying narrative
that can be very challenging fora child to understand, and
typically how a childinternalizes this approach to
feeding is that I am only lovedor I am only accepted if I fill
in the blank, if I eat this foodthat's put in front of me, even
at the expense of overridingyour body's internal cues for
(06:33):
regulating food, or I need toeat something that I don't like
because if I don't, there's fearof being alienated or judgment
or criticism.
So all of this is things thatwe assimilate through our
experiences with our family oforigin and our caregivers or the
family members in our life thatwe grew up around, and this is
just an example.
Everyone's story is going to bedifferent.
(06:54):
This is just something that Iexperienced growing up,
especially from caregivers andextended family that
predominantly experienced foodinsecurity in their growing up.
What's challenging about this isthat those ingrained beliefs
that our family of origin mayhave don't necessarily go away.
Those are very ingrained,especially if they're connected
to trauma around food and bodiesgrowing up, and so we may see
(07:17):
this being perpetuated even toour own children as our kids
interact with our family oforigin or extended family
members.
Even if we are doing theinternal work around our
relationship with food and beingproactive and trying to shift
away from that generationaltrauma around food and bodies,
it can still permeate throughextended family members that are
interacting with our kids, andI know this can be a little bit
(07:39):
despairing to hear, because somany of us are doing this hard
work and yet these are stillthings that our children can
pick up on as they engage withour family of origin.
And this is a question that Iget a lot is basically how do I
deal with the grandparents orhow do I deal with these
caregivers that are taking careof my children in some way, or
(08:00):
that we're interacting with themin some way, and yet they're
still perpetuating these oldschool beliefs around food and
body that could potentially bedamaging to my child.
And I hear that and I get that,because so many of our
caregivers mean well, butthey're still often stuck in old
beliefs and old narrativesaround food and around their
(08:20):
bodies that are surfacing in theway that they may interact with
our children and I understandthis is something that I
definitely saw with my parentsand something that I witnessed
with extended family members asthey engaged with my kids, and
it definitely brought up a lotfor me because I essentially saw
extended family and my familyof origin doing things with my
children that were done with meas a kid and that definitely
(08:42):
activated some of that oldtrauma for me around food, where
there was messaging around youneed to sit at the table and eat
all of this, that clean yourplate club that I never want my
kids to be part of, or this ideaof oh, we work so hard to
prepare this meal for you, youreally need to try it or take a
bite, or eat this or eat that,or you need to eat some of this
(09:03):
before you can have dessert.
I mean, all of those old schoolbeliefs around food were very
strong and this was somethingthat I saw being extended to my
own kids.
And while there is some levelof advocacy work that we can and
should do with these familymembers, especially if your
child is going to be hereengaging with them or
(09:23):
interacting with them frequently, I also want you to see that
there are things that we candirectly do with our own
children.
It's not always easy to engagefamily of origin, especially
when we are trying to advocatefor our kids or say, hey, I
don't want you to talk aboutfood in this way, or talk about
bodies in this way, or I don'twant you to force my child to
(09:45):
eat anything.
Those are things that areimportant to say and verbalize.
However, it can be hard to dothat.
We may not always have theopportunity.
Sometimes you might be healingfrom a difficult relationship
with a family of origin, and itdoesn't always feel safe to have
those conversations withcertain family members.
I totally get that.
(10:06):
What I want you to see, though,is that there are still things
that you can proactively do withyour own child to help protect
them from some of thatgenerational trauma around food
and bodies or deep-seatedbeliefs in diet culture that are
still circulating in yourfamily.
It's hard.
It's so hard.
We're doing all this hard work,and yet it's still all around
(10:27):
us.
I don't want you to bediscouraged by that.
I want you to be aware of thatand then understand ways that
you can proactively help yourkids learn how to advocate for
themselves and protect their ownrelationship with food and
their bodies, because when theycan understand what feels right
or what feels wrong or not okaywhen it comes to how other
people are engaging with them orapproaching them around food or
(10:50):
their bodies, and also havetools to know what do I do in
these situations, this is whathelps them build resiliency so
that they don't succumb to thesame type of narratives that
many of us grew up with, andthis is what I want to just
briefly cover today.
I know that was a long-windedintroduction, but I just want to
cover some things that you cando with your child, and also I
(11:13):
will walk you through a scriptthat I have used with my own
kids and that you can customizewith your own child in whatever
way you need to.
But the idea here is that we arepreparing our children in a
proactive way for some of thethings that they may encounter
in the real world, be it withour family of origin, at holiday
(11:33):
gatherings or at school or inany other occasions.
When we can start embeddingthese things in our children,
this is what will become the newnorm for them.
This will become their message,their narrative that they
internalize, that they are incharge of their bodies, that
they have autonomy over theirbodies and what they get to eat,
or what they decide they wantto eat or what they decide they
(11:54):
don't want to eat.
These are things that we wantthem to carry with them
throughout their lives because,again, we won't always be there
for them, and I find that, inthe process of doing this, that
this can be super healing for ustoo.
So you may find that by helpingyour child find their voice and
helping your child learn how toadvocate for themselves, you're
imparting to them somethingthat you may have not had or
(12:18):
experienced as a child and thatcan be so healing for your inner
child that needed someone tospeak up for them when a
caregiver was pushing food onyou or making comments about
your body.
You have the opportunity to dothat now with your own child,
and by doing so, the extensionof that is that you are also
healing yourself.
So all of this is reallyimportant.
(12:38):
But let's just talk through somethings to think about when it
comes to preparing your kids,how to have these conversations,
things to look out for, andthen I will walk you through a
sample script of how you canactually talk to your child
about these things.
So first, we just want to bethinking about how to be in a
proactive state with ourchildren versus reactive, and
(13:01):
I'm going to delve more intowhat I mean about this.
Commonly, when we're in thisspace, a thing that I often hear
is what should I say when soand so says X about my child, or
is telling my child to do this,or is making a comment about
their body, or is telling themthey need to eat this before
that?
And those situations happen.
(13:21):
They come up very frequently,and I think having a set of
scripts can be really helpful inthese situations, especially
because so many of us arelearning how to do this.
The first time, we didn't havea caregiver speaking up for us,
and so now we're learning how todo it for our children, and it
can be really hard to know whatto say.
How do I navigate these typesof situations?
(13:42):
And so, yes, having scripts inthose situations can be helpful.
However, what I find is thatsometimes these situations can
be so triggering that it canmove you into a more reactive
state.
When you are hearing somebodycomment about their body or your
child's body, that can put youinto a place where you feel
(14:03):
unsafe in your own body, andoftentimes the reason for that
is because your nervous systemis being activated, and when
that happens, we move into astress response.
Physiologically, when we'reunder a stress response or when
our body is in distress, ourlogical thinking brain goes
offline and we're more likely tobe in a reactive state, and
(14:27):
that is why you might findyourself maybe lashing out or
maybe freezing and not knowingwhat to say in those situations,
because often what's comingwith these body comments or food
comments, or being in asituation where we are with our
family of origin and theenvironment itself may be super
triggering our body is goinginto that stress response and so
(14:48):
in those moments it can be evenharder and more challenging to
think about what do I say or howdo I advocate for my child,
especially when that logicalpart of your brain is literally
offline, and that is becauseyour body is just trying to
survive something that feelsvery unsafe.
And I'm not saying that weshouldn't or can't work through
(15:08):
those situations in order toadvocate for our child.
I just want you to see thatsometimes it can be harder to
advocate for our child becauseof things that are coming up for
us and we don't want to rely onthose moments alone.
This is where I think theproactive work can be so
essential and helpful topreparing our children to learn
(15:28):
how to advocate for themselvesin the event that we are
struggling to do so in thosemoments.
So, just thinking about theproactive work versus being in a
reactive state becausesometimes at least, is what I
have found for myself when Ihave been in those reactive
situations I often think aboutthings later on like, oh man, I
wish I would have said that or Iwish I would have been able to
(15:49):
do this.
And I just want you to giveyourself some compassion and
knowing that when we have thishistory with food that many of
us do, when there's any sense oftrauma in our past that can
quickly come to the surface inmany different situations,
especially when we'reinteracting with our family of
origin.
And so please be compassionatewith yourself and knowing that
you're doing the best you canfor yourself and for your child.
(16:11):
And this is where spending someintentional time in this
proactive work with our kids,where we can talk to them, where
we can share potentialscenarios that may come up,
where we can give themaffirmations and just affirm
their body, their autonomy,their appetites.
All of these things happen moreeffectively when we're not in a
stressed state, when we areable to be in our bodies and our
(16:37):
bodies don't feel distressed,and when we can be aligned with
the logical thinking part of ourbrain.
So, basically, what I'm sayingis that a lot of this work
happens outside of these moments, these heated moments where
things can come up or commentsmay happen, and so it takes time
.
This is not just an overnightsolution.
This takes a lot ofintentionality, a lot of
(16:57):
conversations that are happeningover time with our kids, and
that leads me to my next pointhere, which is this crucial
piece of building trust andconnection with our children.
Many of us grew up in asituation where we didn't have a
secure attachment with ourprimary caregivers, where we
grew up in fear of ourcaregivers or abandoning our
(17:19):
needs and our emotions in orderto appease the people in our
life who were supposed to takecare of us.
Many of us not grow up with thebenefit of having a trusted
person in our life that we couldconnect with or that was
reliably there for us, and so ifyou are learning to do this
with your child for the firsttime again, please just give
yourself so much compassion.
(17:40):
It's hard to do this work.
It's hard to be the first onein your family to make these
intentional efforts to buildthis trust and connection with
your child.
That is unconditional,especially if you haven't
experienced that or didn't growup with that, and what I want
you to see is that when we havethis secure foundation with our
children and they know that weare their safe base, that we are
(18:02):
able to hold space for them,for all of their challenges or
hard feelings or difficulties,the more they will be able to
come to us when things arecoming up that are challenging
for them, whether it's a commentthat somebody said or an
insecurity that they feel intheir bodies.
When that Trust and connectionis there, it makes it so much
easier for our kids to findsafety in our relationship.
(18:24):
And that is a bigger picture ofthe feeding relationship that
we have with our kids.
It's not just about food.
It's so much bigger than that,and feeding our kids doesn't
happen in a vacuum, and this iswhy having these long-term goals
in mind can be helpful, as itsears the direction of our
actions in the way that weengage with our kids, not just
around food, but in all thingsand the goal here is not
(18:48):
perfection and if you've beentuning into this podcast, I hope
you know that that is a commontheme the goal here is not to be
this perfect parent.
The goal is to just be a goodenough parent where we are able
to be there for our kids as bestas we can, and we're also human
and our kids can see that andlearn from us and know that they
are still safe to come to us.
(19:08):
And when our children know thatthere is trust and connection
in our relationship with them,they will know that we are that
safety anchor for them whenthings come up that feel
distressing or overwhelming inany way.
And sometimes I think that iswhat's missing with many of the
scripts that are circulating outthere that so many of us are
eager to pick up.
We want to know what to say andhow to say the right things.
(19:30):
However, we don't want toforget that behind that, behind
what we say, needs to be trustand connection.
And when we can lead from thatplace, our kids will know and
trust that what we're saying tothem is sincere and genuine.
And that leads me to this lastpoint here.
Just to consider is learning howto attune to your child.
(19:50):
Again, this can be much easiersaid than done, especially if
you grew up learning that yourneeds don't matter and
essentially dissociating fromyourself and everything that you
needed.
It can be hard to learn how toattune to our own children,
especially if you're justlearning how to do this for
yourself.
But when we can see andrecognize when our child is in
(20:12):
distress or something is comingup that where they might need
more support, this can behelpful for us to know if we
need to intervene, advocate,support or help our child.
Every child is going to bedifferent and so we want to
learn the child in front of us,the child that we have, and
understand.
What does it look like when mychild is in distress?
What does it look like when mychild is starting to become
(20:34):
overwhelmed or maybe sensoryoverloaded, and how can I step
in and help them?
We will be better able to dothat and more equipped to do
that when we can be attuned tothem, and this is especially
true in holiday situations orgatherings when there's a lot of
people, highly stimulatingenvironment, a lot of
conversation.
Sometimes our kids can get lostin the mix and it can be
(20:57):
helpful, especially if you knowthat you have a child who does
get overstimulated or maybe whodoes shut down or maybe who kind
of falls to the wayside whenother demands are surfacing.
It can be helpful just toremember.
Do I need to check in with them?
Does my kiddo need a break?
Do I need to remove them fromthe situation for a few minutes?
Attuning to our kids can help usunderstand when they need more
(21:19):
support.
This is especially true withfamily meals and gatherings.
If you're all sitting at thetable and you can see that your
child may be overwhelmed by theamount of food that's put in
front of them or people arestarting to make comments.
We just want to be aware andattuned to our child and what's
happening so that we know whenand how to support them.
So, with these things in mind,I would love to share just a
(21:42):
sample script or conversationstarter that you can have with
your child before holidaygatherings or meals or any type
of situation that you thinkcould potentially bring up some
things for yourself or yourchild around food and their
bodies, particularly when you'regoing back to family of origin
who may still be rooted in diet,culture or just old school ways
of approaching food the grandmathat you love who pushes food
(22:05):
on your child, or the aunt oruncle who's telling your child
they need to eat more, or eat abite of this before they can
have dessert, or hey, you'reeating too much dessert.
We want our children to havethis narrative in mind.
Ultimately, we want ourchildren to know and believe to
the core of their body that theyare unconditionally loved and
accepted by us, no matter howthey eat, no matter what their
(22:28):
appetite is or the size of theirbodies.
We want them to know that noneof those things change how we
feel about them or how we careabout them, and that they have
that love and acceptance nomatter what.
Because the minute that ourchildren start to question that,
they start to believe thattheir worth is dependent on how
they eat or what they eat or thesize of their body, that can be
(22:49):
such a breeding ground fordisordered eating, and the best
protective factor against thatis just reminding them of the
unconditional love that theyhave and that they are safe in
their bodies.
Of course, you can customizethis to the needs of your child
or your family or the age ofyour child.
Always feel free to adjustanything as needed To give you
(23:10):
something to start with and somethings to think about as you
have some of these conversationswith your kids.
First, you want to start withconnection.
Let your child know that youare so glad to spend time with
them.
That can sound like you knowwhat, honey, I'm so glad I get
to spend some time with youtoday.
How are you feeling?
And this just sets the tonebefore any event or holiday
gathering or meal that you mightbe going to.
(23:30):
The next thing you want to dois just reinforce your child's
bodily autonomy Again, becauseso many caregivers or people in
general that you might beinteracting with will tend to
override that by making commentsabout what your child should or
shouldn't eat.
So this can sound like sayingto your child remember that you
are the boss of your own body.
(23:51):
That means when we sit down toeat, you get to choose what you
want to eat from whatever foodsare available.
We really want to stress thatwith them.
Next, we want to be intentionalabout prioritizing our child's
safety, and this can look liketelling them you know what?
I want you to remember that youdon't have to eat or try
anything that you don't want to.
You can pick what looks good toyou.
(24:12):
There might be a lot more foodsthan we're used to seeing or
different things that we're notused to having, but I just want
you to remember that you don'thave to eat or try anything
unless you want to.
We also want to be intentionalabout reiterating our trust in
them.
This is so essential to helpingthem learn to build trust in
themselves, and that can soundlike I trust you to listen to
(24:33):
your body and what it needs.
You can trust your body andwhat it's telling you, and this
piggybacks really nicely on thatphrase of helping our kids know
that you are the boss of yourown body and you know what you
can trust, what your body istelling you.
The last thing we want to do, toround this out, is just to
provide support, and that canlook like saying I'm here for
you.
Whatever you might feel abouttoday is okay.
(24:56):
If you ever feel uncomfortable,we can go outside.
We can take a break together,you can tap mommy's hand.
You can come up with a secretword or a secret signal,
whatever it is.
Whatever I need to do to helpyou, I just want you to know
that I'm here for you, and thatcan be so soothing and such a
helpful reminder to our kidsthat if they're ever feeling
alone, that they don't have tosit in those feelings alone, or
(25:18):
if they're feeling scared oroverwhelmed that we are with
them, they don't have to sit inthemselves and in their inner
world by themselves, that wewill be there with them to
co-regulate and help themthrough this.
So I know this is short andbrief and sometimes that's just
what our kids need.
Sometimes they can't handle awhole lecture, but we just want
to hit those key points ofprioritizing safety, reiterating
(25:40):
trust and reminding them thatthey are in charge of their
bodies and ultimately helpingthem know that we are there to
support them.
So I hope this gives you somethings to think about, some
conversation starters, and Ihope you know that every brave
step you are taking matters foryou and your family.
I know holiday meals can be alot to navigate for both parents
and kids, and just remember tofocus on the relationship that
(26:01):
you're building with yourchildren and that is one that
prioritizes and centers safetyand connection and that can help
ride through some of thesechallenging or turbulent moments
that often surface duringholiday meals.
Thank you so much for takingsome time and spending some time
with me today.
I so appreciate you being here.
I hope you'll come back nextweek.
We'll be talking more aboutways to prioritize and care for
(26:23):
your relationship with foodduring the holidays, which can
also be challenging as well, soI hope to see you next week.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCarGaze.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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