August 6, 2023 • 32 mins
Ever been swallowed by the raging waves of shame when it comes to your child's body and eating habits? You're not alone, mama. Join me, Crystal, as we tackle this pervasive issue head-on, creating a safe haven of acceptance and unconditional love for our little ones. This empowering episode focuses on the immense weight of shame many mothers carry, especially those healing their own relationship with food and their bodies.
We delve into the tumultuous journey of our children's body transformations, particularly during the fragile stages of pre-adolescence and puberty. No subject is off-limits, as we scrutinize society's fat phobia, its influence on our children's eating habits, and the emotional turmoil it causes within us. Remember, it's okay to reach out, it's okay to feel, and it's okay to ask for help.
Moreover, we shed light on how our childhood traumas can manifest in our parenting style, leading to the perpetuation of unhealthy generational cycles. But don't worry, we also explore the healing power of self-reflection, reparenting and the importance of understanding our own stories. After all, it's only by making peace with our past that we can fully accept and champion our children's narratives. Trust me, you – yes, you – are parenting superbly, and your kiddos are truly blessed to have you in their corner. Let's journey together towards a shame-free parenting experience.
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I so appreciate you tuning intoday and hanging out with me
(00:43):
for this podcast episode, andtoday's episode might sound a
little different.
I have really been thinkingthrough this particular topic
and I don't have a set number oftips that I'm going to share
today, although I hope to sharesome ideas to encourage you.
I have just been noticing this,come up in a lot of
conversations and realizing theimmense amount of shame that
(01:07):
mothers carry when it comes tothis topic, and you know that
this podcast is all aboutlifting the shame right,
challenging the shame, movingaway from that internalized
narrative of shame that so manyof us carry, and these are
things that have been passeddown through generations, and I
think it's time to start talkingabout it and to create a space
(01:29):
where we can be real aboutthings that are happening as we
navigate raising our kids in aculture that is predominantly
dieting and idolizing anunrealistic body image.
There's so much that's comingup, and this is especially true
if you are also healing your ownrelationship with food and your
body, or if you have had ahistory of an eating disorder or
(01:52):
a difficult relationship withfood and your body.
The truth of the matter is thatthere's so many things that
surface for us when we'reraising our own kids, and a lot
of this has to do with parallelprocessing, where our kids go
through similar things that wedo, and if those things are
unresolved within ourselves,it's so easy for us to project
(02:12):
onto our kids, to assumeexperiences that our kids may
have because of the bodies thatthey're living in or the
behaviors that we see aroundfood, and in a lot of ways, this
can create a perfect stormwhere we are finding ourselves
triggered in situations aroundfood and bodies with our own
children and when you are doingso much work and putting in so
(02:34):
much effort to shift away fromthese generational cycles of
food guilt and body shame, thereis immense pressure to get it
all right.
I get it.
I totally understand that wejust want to do right by our
kids, and when you havestruggled with food and body,
that is something that you neverwish on anybody, especially
(02:55):
your own kids, and you don'twant your kids to go through
life with some of the samestruggles that you may have
dealt with or that are currentlydealing with, because you
understand the immense pain andstruggle and the battle that it
can be and how much of your lifethat it really can strip from
you.
And so I know, as a parent inrecovery or as a parent trying
(03:16):
to navigate diet culture andheal your relationship with food
, that you also feel thispressure to get it all right
because you don't want your kidsto struggle in the same way you
did.
You don't want your story tobecome their story.
And because of that, I thinkthat we often have unrealistic
expectations about how we shouldthink, how we should feel, how
(03:36):
certain situations should playout, and putting this pressure
on us to have it all figured out.
And on the same note, I alsosee that when we struggle as
parents, when we're trying tofigure these things out with our
kids, and if we notice thatthings are coming up for us,
this is where I see a lot ofmoms struggling with immense
shame.
(03:57):
When you feel like I'm notdoing this right or my kid is
struggling and this must be myfault, it's so easy to
internalize the things that ourkids are going through as our
fault or things that fall on ourshoulders, and, again, I know
the heavy burden of shame thatthat can inflict because of the
(04:17):
misunderstanding.
I think that's often wrappedaround how we need to be showing
up for our kids and for ourfamily, and so I just wanted to
introduce this topic today, andI appreciate your patience, as I
feel like I'm somewhatentangling my own thoughts
around this.
I know it's important, though,because it comes up in a lot of
conversations with the moms thatI work with, moms that I'm
(04:38):
connected with.
This is something that I knowis much more common than we
think and is often hidden insecret, and this particular
issue has to do with feelinglike we can't accept our kids
bodies or maybe their behaviorsaround food, and this is really
hard and this is reallychallenging because, again, I
think it's easier to hide thesethoughts and feelings in secret.
(04:59):
But when we keep these thingshidden in secret, it's easier to
build shame around those things.
And you may have heard me talkabout this here on the podcast
or in different spaces.
This is a common idea thatreally what our kids need from
us in order to have that healthyrelationship with food in their
bodies and to build a sense oftrust and embodiment within
(05:22):
their selves.
They really need to feel thatfrom us right.
They need to feel like we trustthem.
They need to feel like weaccept them unconditionally for
who they are.
I know this is a prominentmessage.
It's something that I havetalked about myself here
multiple times on the podcast.
And yet I see that for many ofus and myself included, because
(05:43):
this has definitely come up forme in my own parenting journey
and I know for so many of themoms that I work with a lot of
us have parts of us that cannotfully accept our kids where
they're at or find that thereare parts of us that are
triggered by different thingsthat we see in our children and
there's a reason for that and Iknow that some of those feelings
(06:07):
that can come up, whether it'sfinding yourself uncomfortable
the way your child's body ischanging, or finding yourself
angry or frustrated at the wayyou're seeing your child eat or
the foods that they'regravitating towards.
There's so many differentscenarios that can bring up
challenging feelings withinourselves towards our kids,
where we might feel angry,frustrated, scared, anxious,
(06:29):
triggered.
All the things that we maynotice are coming up for us as
we engage with our kids aroundfood and their bodies, and so
I'mi make a video right thereand I'll show it so you can see
that it's important to watch out, take care.
As a mother in recovery or as amother working on your
relationship with food andtrying to do your part to help
your child preserve those innateintuitive eating abilities, you
might notice a lot of shamearound those parts of you,
(06:50):
around those feelings that arecoming up that can feel really
negative.
It's almost like I shouldn't befeeling this, and this is a
reoccurring thing that I'lloften hear in conversations that
I have with with moms differentmoms that I work with is I feel
so bad saying this?
That's often something thatI'll hear I feel so bad saying
this.
I shouldn't be feeling likethis towards my child.
I feel like a terrible mom toeven think some of these things
(07:12):
or have some of these thoughts.
And how can I feel that wayabout my own child when I'm
trying so hard to break thiscycle?
That's the common theme that Ithink a lot of us, as moms, are
caring and again internalizing,noticing that we have a negative
feeling towards our own child,whether it's difficulty
accepting their body as it'schanging, especially through
(07:33):
puberty, or difficulty acceptingtheir appetite or their
preferences, whatever it is.
When we feel those things,there can be a sense of shame
attached to it, where we shameourselves for feeling those
things.
It's like we are takingresponsibility, as in.
If I have this feeling, it isnegatively affecting my child
(07:55):
and now I'm screwing them up andthat's my fault.
There's so much to unpack hereand I just wanted to start by
having this conversation andreally just holding space for
you as a parent, if you areexperiencing any of these
thoughts or feelings towardsyour child, and I will just
share and talk about a fewexamples here.
I just want you to know thatyou're not alone and that you're
(08:17):
not a bad parent and thatyou're not doing wrong by your
child.
You're not going to cause themto have an eating disorder
because you find yourselfwishing they were in a different
body or wishing they didn'tlove sweets.
Whatever it is, it's natural tohave those thoughts and
feelings and there's actuallydeeper connected reasons that I
want to share a little bit abouttoday.
(08:38):
I just want to start with thatyou are not a bad parent for
experiencing those things and Ithink the more we can talk about
it, the more you can giveyourself permission to alleviate
that shame that is so easy tocarry, because we can't really
grow and heal and thrive whenwe're shaming ourselves or
constantly critical of everysingle thought or feeling that
(08:59):
we have as parents.
And just knowing that becauseof your history, because of the
complexities that you'veexperienced around food in your
body, because of your uniquestory and experiences around
food in your body, those thingswill naturally come out when it
comes to engaging with your ownchild.
And instead of trying tosuppress those things or shove
(09:20):
them away or shame yourself orfeeling any of those challenging
feelings, I want to encourageyou to get curious about what's
coming up and look at it as ahealing opportunity.
I truly believe that God givesus the kids that we need, that
we need that it's like our kidsshine light on parts of us that
(09:40):
still need love and care andattention and healing, and it's
such a beautiful opportunity tocontinue our own healing work
because it's a lifelong thing.
I really don't believe that weever arrive at a place where
we're like I did it, I completedit, I completed all the inner
work.
It's an ongoing thing, and Ithink when we can have more of
(10:00):
an open mind towards that andget curious and be willing to
lean in to some of thatdiscomfort that's coming up for
us, it can really be aninvitation to deeper healing
within ourselves and absolutelyfor our kids too, and knowing
that the healing work that we'redoing often has a ripple effect
for our families, and so I justwanted to start with that.
(10:21):
I guess another thing to kind ofsegue into here is just maybe
giving you some more examples ofsituations that I'm alluding to
or talking about here.
One of the most common onesthat I see is difficulty in our
kids changing bodies, and I haveseen this come up with kids
through all ages, so babies,toddlers, school-aged, you know,
(10:43):
pre-adolescent, adolescents,teen, late adult.
I feel like our kids' bodiesare changing so much, and it's
inevitable that the way you seeyour child's body can sometimes
bring up distressing feelingstowards those changes that
you're seeing, and I see thisreally commonly in
pre-adolescents when, typicallyespecially for girls we're
(11:07):
seeing their bodies changesignificantly as their bodies
are preparing for puberty and Iam definitely hoping to have a
podcast episode to talk moreabout this, because we don't
normalize this enough in termsof how our bodies are changing
and why they're changing and whywe often see our pre-adolescent
girls gaining significantamount of weight prior to
(11:28):
transitioning into puberty, andthat can be very alarming.
You might notice your child'sbody changing, your child's
maybe moving into more of alarger body as she prepares to
enter puberty and I know I'mgeneralizing here with girls,
but this is absolutely true forour boys as well and as we see
our kids' bodies change, thiscan bring up some discomfort
(11:50):
within us, and you may haveexperienced this yourself, where
you notice that you feeluncomfortable with some of the
changes that you're seeing inyour child.
Or maybe you notice yourselfbeing hyper-vigilant to the
changes that are happening inyour child's body, where you
notice them gaining weight oryou notice their belly expanding
or you notice different partsof their body changing in any
(12:11):
way, and I see this in differentways too, where you may have a
child that's in a larger body oryou may have a child who's in a
smaller body, and both of thosethings can bring up different
feelings for you, depending onwhat your individual experience
has been, but I understand thatthis happens on the spectrum.
It can just be challenging foryou to accept the changes that
(12:33):
you're seeing in your child, ormaybe wishing that your child
was in a different body.
Or maybe you're gettingcomments from family members or
friends well-meaning people whoare saying things that bring
things on your radar and youfind yourself triggered or upset
or frustrated and you noticethose feelings being projected
to your kid or thinking I wishthey were just in a different
(12:54):
body, or I wish they didn't havethat belly fat, or I wish they
were a little bit bulkier.
Whatever it is, I want you tojust examine and just be aware
of what are some of thosethoughts that have surfaced for
you when it comes to yourchild's body and to be able to
look at those things again witha curious, compassionate lens,
versus shaming yourself forhaving any of those thoughts or
(13:15):
feelings or emotions towardsthem.
Another area and other examplesare when it comes to how our
kids eat, their appetite ortheir food preferences.
So again, I see this happeningon the spectrum and there's so
many different ways that ourkids engage with food.
They all have differenttemperaments, different
personalities, different sensoryneeds and all of these things
(13:36):
play a role in how they engagewith food and how they eat.
So you might have a child thatloves food and has a very high
interest in food and loveseating and gladly will sit at
the table and eat everythingthat is put out in front of them
, and you might sometimes feelindifferent to that.
That might bring up some thingsfor you.
(13:57):
You might have a child who'smore of a selective eater or who
has sensory sensitivities andmaybe all they want to eat is
beige food and they have veryfew foods that they will eat.
And maybe it's hard to go outwith them to restaurants or
birthday parties because you'renot sure if there will be
something there that they canhave and that can bring up some
(14:18):
feelings for you.
I just want to normalize thatall of these different
situations can bring up thingsfor us that, as parents, are
very challenging to navigate andagain, we can project those
things towards our kids wishing.
Inside we have these deepthoughts or feelings that they
were just different, if they atedifferent, if they looked
(14:38):
different, if their body wasdifferent, then maybe fill in
the blank whatever that mightlook like for you, and part of
this, too, can really come fromdeep ingrained fat phobia.
That isn't all of us to somedegree, and this is part of the
challenge of living in a dietculture that really again
idolizes and emphasizes thatbeing a certain body type, which
(15:00):
is completely arbitrary andunrealistic, is what we should
all be attaining for andreaching for.
Part of this, too, is how oursociety is in general, where I
would say, especially formillennial parents who are
navigating, parenting in the ageof social media and information
overload and there's just stuffeverywhere you look and it can
(15:20):
feel like how you feed yourchild or how your child eats, or
the size of your child's bodyis a direct reflection of you as
a parent, and so part of thediscomfort that may be coming up
for you can be stemming fromfear of looking unsuccessful as
a parent, or fear of being seenas a failure because you have a
(15:42):
child in a larger body, or achild in a smaller body, or a
child who loves to eat sweets,or you have a child who's a
picky eater.
Whatever the scenario may be,all of these different things
can bring up fear and anxietywhen there's a sense of judgment
, or I won't be accepted or Iwon't be seen as successful
because of how my child isperceived, and that is playing a
(16:04):
large piece of this too.
There is another element herethat I want to touch on today,
and I'm hoping that we cancontinue to expand on this
conversation in the weeks tocome, and one thing I just want
to encourage before I get intothis more, is if any of this is
resonating with you, or if youhave more questions about this,
or if you're wanting to find outmore information, or if you
(16:25):
have any feedback at all.
I would love to hear from youand would welcome any of your
thoughts or questions.
And just a reminder that youcan always send me an email at
hello at crystalcargiscom.
You can also reply to theweekly newsletters that go out
if you're on the email list, oryou can send me a DM on
Instagram, though I'm not on IGas frequently these days, but
(16:50):
you can always try to connectwith me there.
Bottom line, I would love tohear from you as we're opening
up this conversation, and justhear what you're resonating with
, what you have more questionsabout, because there's so much
beauty in community and justknowing that there's other
people out there who understandwhat you're going through and
that you're not alone, and Ilove having these conversations
and bringing these issues tolight to really help break the
(17:12):
shame that so many of us arejust burdened with.
With that being said, I wantedto touch on this other piece
here that often influences howwe feel about our kids,
especially when it comes totheir bodies and their appetites
, and one piece here is thatthere are things about our kids
that can be triggering in us,and what's interesting to
(17:34):
examine is where those thingsthat were not accepted within
yourself as a child and what Imean by this is that we often
find intolerable or unacceptablein our own children that was
not tolerated or accepted withinourselves, and this is one of
(17:55):
those ways in which thesegenerational cycles can continue
and kind of get passed on fromone generation to the next, when
we never stopped to examinewhat it was that we needed at
these vulnerable ages that wesee our kids going through and
reminding ourselves that we arestill in need of many of those
(18:16):
things now and it's reallydifficult to give our kids or to
extend to our children what wehaven't ever received ourselves
or that we're still strugglingor feeling in absence of.
So let me give you, or walk youthrough, an example of this so
you can understand more of whatI'm talking about, and I can
kind of walk through a couple ofdifferent examples so you can
(18:37):
see different angles of this andmaybe you might hear a piece of
your story in this.
But one example is how we eatas kids and just our appetites.
And for many parents, having achild with a large appetite or a
high interest in food can behighly triggering and you might
find yourself, if as a parent,upset if your child is reaching
(18:58):
for more or wanting more, andyou might find yourself biting
your tongue and trying not tosay things to them like are you
sure you need more?
Or feeling even if, if you'reallowing them to eat what they
want, eat what they need maybefeeling yourself uncomfortable
and feeling like that trigger orthat anxiousness rising in your
(19:18):
body, even though you're tryingto maintain that outside facade
that everything's okay, youmight find that within yourself
it's very difficult to kind ofmaintain your cool.
You're feeling a reaction inyour body to the behavior that
you're observing within yourchild and an example of how this
may have played out for you.
(19:38):
You may have had variousexperiences as a child that were
also not tolerated by yourparents around food or by your
primary caregivers.
So perhaps as a child you wereforced to clean your plate
before you could leave the table, or you weren't allowed to have
seconds or extra of the foodthat you wanted, or maybe sweets
(19:59):
were off limits or differentfoods were off limits, or you
felt shame for eating theportions or the amounts of food
that you needed.
All of those things can beshowing up for you when you're
noticing parallel experienceswith your own child, even though
your child may not be goingthrough a similar situation,
even if you're not, let's say,forcing your kid to eat
(20:20):
everything on their plate orpreventing them from eating the
amounts that they need.
Seeing similar behaviors thatwere not tolerated in you as a
child can bring up that sense ofangst or discomfort or distress
.
It's like replaying thosethings and, in a sense, a lot of
those different experiencesthat you may have had around
food can be traumatic indifferent ways, and that can
(20:44):
come right back to the surfacewhen you're noticing again those
similar patterns or behaviorsin your own child.
Another example here that I knowmany can relate to, myself
included, is seeing yourchildren's bodies change,
especially around the age whenyour body was changing and you
were aware of that, or aroundthe age that maybe your eating
(21:06):
disorder started or that youwere first put on a diet or that
you were first made aware thatyour body was different.
That age can be very vulnerable, especially when your own child
is maybe arriving at that ageand maybe you're noticing that
your child's body is changing.
Maybe your child's putting onweight, maybe your child has
more of a belgy or isn't fittinginto clothes, or you're finding
(21:29):
yourself having to buy moreclothes more frequently.
Or maybe your child is involvedin a sport that emphasizes a
certain body physique and you'renoticing that your child is
maybe bigger than the other kidson the team.
All of that can bring up a lotof distress within your own self
, especially if similar thingshappen to you at that same age
(21:53):
when you were a child.
So and this is common storiesthat I hear where you were a kid
and you were trying out for acertain sport and you notice
that all the other kids your agewere thinner or smaller or more
athletic and could more easilydo the sport that you wanted to
do, and you became more aware ofthat.
I know.
For me, cross country was a bigpart of my story and also
(22:15):
intertwined with my eatingdisorder.
It was a big part of excessiveexercising, but I'll never
forget reading in a runner'smagazine benefits this was
actual article that said thebenefits of losing weight to be
a faster runner and I latchedonto that and did everything I
could to shrink myself and makemyself smaller so that I could
(22:36):
perform better.
That was a tailspin into myeating disorder.
And it's also challenging tosee my girls, who are moving
into the teen years, arrive atthat same age where I remember
feeling uncomfortable in my bodyor feeling like I needed to
change my body or feeling like Iwas so much bigger than all the
other kids around me.
(22:56):
And it's interesting that thoseparallel experiences,
experiences that we have had andthe experiences that we see our
kids having, can bring up a lotof those feelings.
And so if those things arehappening and you're noticing,
you might notice yourselffeeling anxious about your
child's body and how it'schanging, or maybe feeling like
(23:18):
I can't accept the way mychild's body is, or, again, I
wish my child's body wasdifferent.
And oftentimes the result ofthose thoughts or feelings,
those distressing thoughts andfeelings that come up, is again
shame.
Or it's easy to tailspin intoshame in ourselves as a parent.
Or like I can't believe I'mthinking these things about my
kid, like I am trying to runaway from those thoughts that I
(23:42):
had as a 10 year old or 11 yearold or 12 year old or 13,
whatever the age is that youwere, that you remember having
those thoughts about yourself orhearing people comment those
things about yourself.
And now to find yourselfthinking those same things
towards your kids.
Like man, I wish they ate lessat this birthday party.
I wish they didn't care so muchabout the cake and the ice
cream, or I wish they were in asmaller body or a larger body or
(24:03):
whatever it is.
You may find yourself thinkingthose thoughts and what I want
you to see is yes, it may berelated to internalized fat
phobia, yes, it may be relatedto fear of judgment, to fear of
being seen as a failure as aparent, and it may also be
related to your food and bodystory that's coming to the
surface and trying to speak, soto say, in the sense that it
(24:27):
needs more healing and it needsmore help.
And I think, when we can reallystart to look at those parts of
ourself with compassion andrealizing that those parts are
surfacing because they're stillwounded, those are wounded parts
of ourself that are oftenshowing up and engaging with our
kids, and it's from that placeof woundedness or fear that we
(24:48):
might engage in feeding our kidsor talking to them about food
or their bodies, or maybe dothings that we don't want to do,
but we find ourselves like notbeing able to help ourselves,
say certain things or do certainthings or maybe communicate
something in a nonverbal way.
It's like that anxiousness orthat woundedness is just coming
out in unintended ways Doesn'tmake you a bad parent.
(25:10):
That makes you human.
That makes you a human who hasa unique story that deserves to
be heard.
And one thing that I want youto just be thinking about as
you're listening to some of thisis number one can you have some
more awareness about when thisis coming up for you and can you
move towards more acceptance inorder to allow yourself space
(25:32):
for compassion and healing.
Again, we cannot heal from aplace of shaming ourselves and I
think when we can start to tryto shift the narrative from I'm
a bad parent for feeling thesethings to maybe I'm a wounded
person for having some of thesefeelings and I also deserve the
same care and love and attentionthat I'm trying so desperately
(25:54):
to give our kids.
And it's really hard to extendto our children what we haven't
been able to give ourselves.
And so often I find that manyof us often run into a wall when
we're trying to figure out likeI know I need to
unconditionally accept mychild's body, I know I
unconditionally need to accepttheir appetite and their food
(26:14):
preferences, but it's so hard todo that.
And if you find yourselfrunning into a wall, a question
to ask yourself is have thosethings been extended to you?
Did you feel like you wereaccepted unconditionally when it
came to your body or yourappetite or your food
preferences?
Or were those things that yourcaregivers tried to change in
(26:35):
you, or that your caregiverswere uncomfortable with and
projected their own distress andtheir own discomfort on you?
Are those things that you'reable to give yourself now?
Maybe you're still finding itdifficult to extend acceptance
towards yourself, towards yourbody, maybe towards the way that
your body has changed over theyears.
In growing and birthing andfeeding kids.
Our bodies change so much andyou might feel that it's still
(26:58):
difficult to accept your body.
I'm not saying love your body,I'm saying just accept your body
.
And what I want you to see isthat it's really hard to extend
and give to our kids what wenever received ourselves.
If you never had modeled to youan example of unconditional
acceptance of these things, it'sgoing to be hard to give those
(27:18):
things to your kids.
And again, that doesn't makeyou a bad parent and that's what
I hope you can take away fromthis.
And, like I was saying, numberone, just work on the awareness
piece.
Can you be more aware of what'scoming up for you?
One, it's coming up for youbecause it's so easy to try to
suppress those things, to pushthose things aside, and we never
will have an opportunity toheal or get curious about those
(27:39):
things if we're constantlytrying to shove them out of the
way from a place of shame.
The second thing I want you toconsider here is this question
what did I need at the age thatI am finding myself triggered by
in my own child.
This is such an amazing anddifficult question, reflection
question to think through, andit's also such a powerful one
(28:01):
because it can unlock the keysto the things that you're
needing to heal and to moveforward.
And again, when you can healthese parts of yourself, you can
be able to extend these thingsto your kids as well.
And so, let's say, I'm justthrowing out an example here,
but let's say your child iseight and you find yourself
triggered by your child at thisage at the way their body is
(28:22):
changing, or maybe theirappetite, and you notice a lot
of things coming up for you.
You notice a lot of distress,you're feeling uncomfortable for
the requests that they havearound certain foods, or you
notice yourself more hyper,focused on the way their body is
changing.
That could be a clue that thereare things that you needed at
that age that your child is alsoneeding as well.
(28:44):
So my question to you, or justmy encouragement, is to think
through and I know this can bereally hard and maybe this is
something that you can do withthe support of a professional
counselor, therapist, supportgroup, trusted friend, family
member.
It can be really helpful tomaterialize some of these things
by talking through them andjust by reflecting and asking
(29:04):
yourself what did I need at thatage?
What do I think I needed atthat age, at the age of eight?
What was going on for me as akid?
And I'm telling you thatthere's often a lot of parallel
situations where you mightremember that your body was also
changing, or maybe that's whena doctor said something to you,
or that was the time that acaregiver encouraged you to diet
(29:24):
.
I mean, there's so manydifferent scenarios that can
happen here and it's just nottrying to flood your system by
stepping too deeply into thosememories, but just trying to
understand what is what happenedaround that time.
That may be making this sameage in my own child equally
triggering.
And then the second part here isasking yourself and just
(29:45):
reflecting on, like, what did Ineed at that age?
What were some things that I mayhave needed when my body was
changing, when I was ravenous,when there were so many things
happening in my life?
What were some of the thingsthat I needed?
And that can be a beautifulplace to start learning how to
re-parent yourself as an adult,and I just want to throw out
(30:05):
some common denominators that Ithink a lot of us who are on
this re-parenting journey aroundfood and our bodies needed as
kids and didn't get.
A lot of us needed the sameunconditional acceptance that
we're trying so desperately togive our kids and we didn't
receive that.
So it makes perfect sense thatit's challenging to be able to
give that to your own kid, but alot of us just needed to know
(30:26):
that, no matter how our bodieschanged or the size of our body,
the size of our clothes, nomatter how we were changing,
that, there was someone reliablythere whose love and acceptance
of us was unchanging.
Sadly, so many of us didn'thave that and we often were
encouraged the opposite, wherewe were encouraged to lose
(30:49):
weight or to maintain a certainaesthetic or appearance and
there was so much worth andvalue tied to that, and so
there's so much connection there.
But I just want to encourageyou to reflect on those
questions and think about whatdid I need at that age, what was
going on for me, what did Ineed at that time and how can I
learn to give that to myself now?
I so appreciate you tuning in.
I know this wasn't a typicalepisode In a lot of ways.
(31:13):
I just wanted to share from theheart things that I have seen
that I know many of us carrywithin us, and I just want you
to know that you are truly doingan amazing job as a parent.
Your kiddos are so blessed tohave you, and the fact that
you're tuning in and learningand listening and eager to learn
more shows how much you carefor them.
So I hope you feel that andagain, any questions or feedback
(31:35):
on this episode?
I would love to hear from you Ifyou have found this podcast
helpful in any way.
I would be so grateful if youcould leave a rating or review.
It really does help otherparents connect to this resource
as well.
But just know that I am supergrateful for you and cannot wait
to connect with you next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
(31:55):
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystal Cargays.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I so appreciate you tuning intoday and hanging out with me
(00:43):
for this podcast episode, andtoday's episode might sound a
little different.
I have really been thinkingthrough this particular topic
and I don't have a set number oftips that I'm going to share
today, although I hope to sharesome ideas to encourage you.
I have just been noticing this,come up in a lot of
conversations and realizing theimmense amount of shame that
(01:07):
mothers carry when it comes tothis topic, and you know that
this podcast is all aboutlifting the shame right,
challenging the shame, movingaway from that internalized
narrative of shame that so manyof us carry, and these are
things that have been passeddown through generations, and I
think it's time to start talkingabout it and to create a space
(01:29):
where we can be real aboutthings that are happening as we
navigate raising our kids in aculture that is predominantly
dieting and idolizing anunrealistic body image.
There's so much that's comingup, and this is especially true
if you are also healing your ownrelationship with food and your
body, or if you have had ahistory of an eating disorder or
(01:52):
a difficult relationship withfood and your body.
The truth of the matter is thatthere's so many things that
surface for us when we'reraising our own kids, and a lot
of this has to do with parallelprocessing, where our kids go
through similar things that wedo, and if those things are
unresolved within ourselves,it's so easy for us to project
(02:12):
onto our kids, to assumeexperiences that our kids may
have because of the bodies thatthey're living in or the
behaviors that we see aroundfood, and in a lot of ways, this
can create a perfect stormwhere we are finding ourselves
triggered in situations aroundfood and bodies with our own
children and when you are doingso much work and putting in so
(02:34):
much effort to shift away fromthese generational cycles of
food guilt and body shame, thereis immense pressure to get it
all right.
I get it.
I totally understand that wejust want to do right by our
kids, and when you havestruggled with food and body,
that is something that you neverwish on anybody, especially
(02:55):
your own kids, and you don'twant your kids to go through
life with some of the samestruggles that you may have
dealt with or that are currentlydealing with, because you
understand the immense pain andstruggle and the battle that it
can be and how much of your lifethat it really can strip from
you.
And so I know, as a parent inrecovery or as a parent trying
(03:16):
to navigate diet culture andheal your relationship with food
, that you also feel thispressure to get it all right
because you don't want your kidsto struggle in the same way you
did.
You don't want your story tobecome their story.
And because of that, I thinkthat we often have unrealistic
expectations about how we shouldthink, how we should feel, how
(03:36):
certain situations should playout, and putting this pressure
on us to have it all figured out.
And on the same note, I alsosee that when we struggle as
parents, when we're trying tofigure these things out with our
kids, and if we notice thatthings are coming up for us,
this is where I see a lot ofmoms struggling with immense
shame.
(03:57):
When you feel like I'm notdoing this right or my kid is
struggling and this must be myfault, it's so easy to
internalize the things that ourkids are going through as our
fault or things that fall on ourshoulders, and, again, I know
the heavy burden of shame thatthat can inflict because of the
(04:17):
misunderstanding.
I think that's often wrappedaround how we need to be showing
up for our kids and for ourfamily, and so I just wanted to
introduce this topic today, andI appreciate your patience, as I
feel like I'm somewhatentangling my own thoughts
around this.
I know it's important, though,because it comes up in a lot of
conversations with the moms thatI work with, moms that I'm
(04:38):
connected with.
This is something that I knowis much more common than we
think and is often hidden insecret, and this particular
issue has to do with feelinglike we can't accept our kids
bodies or maybe their behaviorsaround food, and this is really
hard and this is reallychallenging because, again, I
think it's easier to hide thesethoughts and feelings in secret.
(04:59):
But when we keep these thingshidden in secret, it's easier to
build shame around those things.
And you may have heard me talkabout this here on the podcast
or in different spaces.
This is a common idea thatreally what our kids need from
us in order to have that healthyrelationship with food in their
bodies and to build a sense oftrust and embodiment within
(05:22):
their selves.
They really need to feel thatfrom us right.
They need to feel like we trustthem.
They need to feel like weaccept them unconditionally for
who they are.
I know this is a prominentmessage.
It's something that I havetalked about myself here
multiple times on the podcast.
And yet I see that for many ofus and myself included, because
(05:43):
this has definitely come up forme in my own parenting journey
and I know for so many of themoms that I work with a lot of
us have parts of us that cannotfully accept our kids where
they're at or find that thereare parts of us that are
triggered by different thingsthat we see in our children and
there's a reason for that and Iknow that some of those feelings
(06:07):
that can come up, whether it'sfinding yourself uncomfortable
the way your child's body ischanging, or finding yourself
angry or frustrated at the wayyou're seeing your child eat or
the foods that they'regravitating towards.
There's so many differentscenarios that can bring up
challenging feelings withinourselves towards our kids,
where we might feel angry,frustrated, scared, anxious,
(06:29):
triggered.
All the things that we maynotice are coming up for us as
we engage with our kids aroundfood and their bodies, and so
I'mi make a video right thereand I'll show it so you can see
that it's important to watch out, take care.
As a mother in recovery or as amother working on your
relationship with food andtrying to do your part to help
your child preserve those innateintuitive eating abilities, you
might notice a lot of shamearound those parts of you,
(06:50):
around those feelings that arecoming up that can feel really
negative.
It's almost like I shouldn't befeeling this, and this is a
reoccurring thing that I'lloften hear in conversations that
I have with with moms differentmoms that I work with is I feel
so bad saying this?
That's often something thatI'll hear I feel so bad saying
this.
I shouldn't be feeling likethis towards my child.
I feel like a terrible mom toeven think some of these things
(07:12):
or have some of these thoughts.
And how can I feel that wayabout my own child when I'm
trying so hard to break thiscycle?
That's the common theme that Ithink a lot of us, as moms, are
caring and again internalizing,noticing that we have a negative
feeling towards our own child,whether it's difficulty
accepting their body as it'schanging, especially through
(07:33):
puberty, or difficulty acceptingtheir appetite or their
preferences, whatever it is.
When we feel those things,there can be a sense of shame
attached to it, where we shameourselves for feeling those
things.
It's like we are takingresponsibility, as in.
If I have this feeling, it isnegatively affecting my child
(07:55):
and now I'm screwing them up andthat's my fault.
There's so much to unpack hereand I just wanted to start by
having this conversation andreally just holding space for
you as a parent, if you areexperiencing any of these
thoughts or feelings towardsyour child, and I will just
share and talk about a fewexamples here.
I just want you to know thatyou're not alone and that you're
(08:17):
not a bad parent and thatyou're not doing wrong by your
child.
You're not going to cause themto have an eating disorder
because you find yourselfwishing they were in a different
body or wishing they didn'tlove sweets.
Whatever it is, it's natural tohave those thoughts and
feelings and there's actuallydeeper connected reasons that I
want to share a little bit abouttoday.
(08:38):
I just want to start with thatyou are not a bad parent for
experiencing those things and Ithink the more we can talk about
it, the more you can giveyourself permission to alleviate
that shame that is so easy tocarry, because we can't really
grow and heal and thrive whenwe're shaming ourselves or
constantly critical of everysingle thought or feeling that
(08:59):
we have as parents.
And just knowing that becauseof your history, because of the
complexities that you'veexperienced around food in your
body, because of your uniquestory and experiences around
food in your body, those thingswill naturally come out when it
comes to engaging with your ownchild.
And instead of trying tosuppress those things or shove
(09:20):
them away or shame yourself orfeeling any of those challenging
feelings, I want to encourageyou to get curious about what's
coming up and look at it as ahealing opportunity.
I truly believe that God givesus the kids that we need, that
we need that it's like our kidsshine light on parts of us that
(09:40):
still need love and care andattention and healing, and it's
such a beautiful opportunity tocontinue our own healing work
because it's a lifelong thing.
I really don't believe that weever arrive at a place where
we're like I did it, I completedit, I completed all the inner
work.
It's an ongoing thing, and Ithink when we can have more of
(10:00):
an open mind towards that andget curious and be willing to
lean in to some of thatdiscomfort that's coming up for
us, it can really be aninvitation to deeper healing
within ourselves and absolutelyfor our kids too, and knowing
that the healing work that we'redoing often has a ripple effect
for our families, and so I justwanted to start with that.
(10:21):
I guess another thing to kind ofsegue into here is just maybe
giving you some more examples ofsituations that I'm alluding to
or talking about here.
One of the most common onesthat I see is difficulty in our
kids changing bodies, and I haveseen this come up with kids
through all ages, so babies,toddlers, school-aged, you know,
(10:43):
pre-adolescent, adolescents,teen, late adult.
I feel like our kids' bodiesare changing so much, and it's
inevitable that the way you seeyour child's body can sometimes
bring up distressing feelingstowards those changes that
you're seeing, and I see thisreally commonly in
pre-adolescents when, typicallyespecially for girls we're
(11:07):
seeing their bodies changesignificantly as their bodies
are preparing for puberty and Iam definitely hoping to have a
podcast episode to talk moreabout this, because we don't
normalize this enough in termsof how our bodies are changing
and why they're changing and whywe often see our pre-adolescent
girls gaining significantamount of weight prior to
(11:28):
transitioning into puberty, andthat can be very alarming.
You might notice your child'sbody changing, your child's
maybe moving into more of alarger body as she prepares to
enter puberty and I know I'mgeneralizing here with girls,
but this is absolutely true forour boys as well and as we see
our kids' bodies change, thiscan bring up some discomfort
(11:50):
within us, and you may haveexperienced this yourself, where
you notice that you feeluncomfortable with some of the
changes that you're seeing inyour child.
Or maybe you notice yourselfbeing hyper-vigilant to the
changes that are happening inyour child's body, where you
notice them gaining weight oryou notice their belly expanding
or you notice different partsof their body changing in any
(12:11):
way, and I see this in differentways too, where you may have a
child that's in a larger body oryou may have a child who's in a
smaller body, and both of thosethings can bring up different
feelings for you, depending onwhat your individual experience
has been, but I understand thatthis happens on the spectrum.
It can just be challenging foryou to accept the changes that
(12:33):
you're seeing in your child, ormaybe wishing that your child
was in a different body.
Or maybe you're gettingcomments from family members or
friends well-meaning people whoare saying things that bring
things on your radar and youfind yourself triggered or upset
or frustrated and you noticethose feelings being projected
to your kid or thinking I wishthey were just in a different
(12:54):
body, or I wish they didn't havethat belly fat, or I wish they
were a little bit bulkier.
Whatever it is, I want you tojust examine and just be aware
of what are some of thosethoughts that have surfaced for
you when it comes to yourchild's body and to be able to
look at those things again witha curious, compassionate lens,
versus shaming yourself forhaving any of those thoughts or
(13:15):
feelings or emotions towardsthem.
Another area and other examplesare when it comes to how our
kids eat, their appetite ortheir food preferences.
So again, I see this happeningon the spectrum and there's so
many different ways that ourkids engage with food.
They all have differenttemperaments, different
personalities, different sensoryneeds and all of these things
(13:36):
play a role in how they engagewith food and how they eat.
So you might have a child thatloves food and has a very high
interest in food and loveseating and gladly will sit at
the table and eat everythingthat is put out in front of them
, and you might sometimes feelindifferent to that.
That might bring up some thingsfor you.
(13:57):
You might have a child who'smore of a selective eater or who
has sensory sensitivities andmaybe all they want to eat is
beige food and they have veryfew foods that they will eat.
And maybe it's hard to go outwith them to restaurants or
birthday parties because you'renot sure if there will be
something there that they canhave and that can bring up some
(14:18):
feelings for you.
I just want to normalize thatall of these different
situations can bring up thingsfor us that, as parents, are
very challenging to navigate andagain, we can project those
things towards our kids wishing.
Inside we have these deepthoughts or feelings that they
were just different, if they atedifferent, if they looked
(14:38):
different, if their body wasdifferent, then maybe fill in
the blank whatever that mightlook like for you, and part of
this, too, can really come fromdeep ingrained fat phobia.
That isn't all of us to somedegree, and this is part of the
challenge of living in a dietculture that really again
idolizes and emphasizes thatbeing a certain body type, which
(15:00):
is completely arbitrary andunrealistic, is what we should
all be attaining for andreaching for.
Part of this, too, is how oursociety is in general, where I
would say, especially formillennial parents who are
navigating, parenting in the ageof social media and information
overload and there's just stuffeverywhere you look and it can
(15:20):
feel like how you feed yourchild or how your child eats, or
the size of your child's bodyis a direct reflection of you as
a parent, and so part of thediscomfort that may be coming up
for you can be stemming fromfear of looking unsuccessful as
a parent, or fear of being seenas a failure because you have a
(15:42):
child in a larger body, or achild in a smaller body, or a
child who loves to eat sweets,or you have a child who's a
picky eater.
Whatever the scenario may be,all of these different things
can bring up fear and anxietywhen there's a sense of judgment
, or I won't be accepted or Iwon't be seen as successful
because of how my child isperceived, and that is playing a
(16:04):
large piece of this too.
There is another element herethat I want to touch on today,
and I'm hoping that we cancontinue to expand on this
conversation in the weeks tocome, and one thing I just want
to encourage before I get intothis more, is if any of this is
resonating with you, or if youhave more questions about this,
or if you're wanting to find outmore information, or if you
(16:25):
have any feedback at all.
I would love to hear from youand would welcome any of your
thoughts or questions.
And just a reminder that youcan always send me an email at
hello at crystalcargiscom.
You can also reply to theweekly newsletters that go out
if you're on the email list, oryou can send me a DM on
Instagram, though I'm not on IGas frequently these days, but
(16:50):
you can always try to connectwith me there.
Bottom line, I would love tohear from you as we're opening
up this conversation, and justhear what you're resonating with
, what you have more questionsabout, because there's so much
beauty in community and justknowing that there's other
people out there who understandwhat you're going through and
that you're not alone, and Ilove having these conversations
and bringing these issues tolight to really help break the
(17:12):
shame that so many of us arejust burdened with.
With that being said, I wantedto touch on this other piece
here that often influences howwe feel about our kids,
especially when it comes totheir bodies and their appetites
, and one piece here is thatthere are things about our kids
that can be triggering in us,and what's interesting to
(17:34):
examine is where those thingsthat were not accepted within
yourself as a child and what Imean by this is that we often
find intolerable or unacceptablein our own children that was
not tolerated or accepted withinourselves, and this is one of
(17:55):
those ways in which thesegenerational cycles can continue
and kind of get passed on fromone generation to the next, when
we never stopped to examinewhat it was that we needed at
these vulnerable ages that wesee our kids going through and
reminding ourselves that we arestill in need of many of those
(18:16):
things now and it's reallydifficult to give our kids or to
extend to our children what wehaven't ever received ourselves
or that we're still strugglingor feeling in absence of.
So let me give you, or walk youthrough, an example of this so
you can understand more of whatI'm talking about, and I can
kind of walk through a couple ofdifferent examples so you can
(18:37):
see different angles of this andmaybe you might hear a piece of
your story in this.
But one example is how we eatas kids and just our appetites.
And for many parents, having achild with a large appetite or a
high interest in food can behighly triggering and you might
find yourself, if as a parent,upset if your child is reaching
(18:58):
for more or wanting more, andyou might find yourself biting
your tongue and trying not tosay things to them like are you
sure you need more?
Or feeling even if, if you'reallowing them to eat what they
want, eat what they need maybefeeling yourself uncomfortable
and feeling like that trigger orthat anxiousness rising in your
(19:18):
body, even though you're tryingto maintain that outside facade
that everything's okay, youmight find that within yourself
it's very difficult to kind ofmaintain your cool.
You're feeling a reaction inyour body to the behavior that
you're observing within yourchild and an example of how this
may have played out for you.
(19:38):
You may have had variousexperiences as a child that were
also not tolerated by yourparents around food or by your
primary caregivers.
So perhaps as a child you wereforced to clean your plate
before you could leave the table, or you weren't allowed to have
seconds or extra of the foodthat you wanted, or maybe sweets
(19:59):
were off limits or differentfoods were off limits, or you
felt shame for eating theportions or the amounts of food
that you needed.
All of those things can beshowing up for you when you're
noticing parallel experienceswith your own child, even though
your child may not be goingthrough a similar situation,
even if you're not, let's say,forcing your kid to eat
(20:20):
everything on their plate orpreventing them from eating the
amounts that they need.
Seeing similar behaviors thatwere not tolerated in you as a
child can bring up that sense ofangst or discomfort or distress
.
It's like replaying thosethings and, in a sense, a lot of
those different experiencesthat you may have had around
food can be traumatic indifferent ways, and that can
(20:44):
come right back to the surfacewhen you're noticing again those
similar patterns or behaviorsin your own child.
Another example here that I knowmany can relate to, myself
included, is seeing yourchildren's bodies change,
especially around the age whenyour body was changing and you
were aware of that, or aroundthe age that maybe your eating
(21:06):
disorder started or that youwere first put on a diet or that
you were first made aware thatyour body was different.
That age can be very vulnerable, especially when your own child
is maybe arriving at that ageand maybe you're noticing that
your child's body is changing.
Maybe your child's putting onweight, maybe your child has
more of a belgy or isn't fittinginto clothes, or you're finding
(21:29):
yourself having to buy moreclothes more frequently.
Or maybe your child is involvedin a sport that emphasizes a
certain body physique and you'renoticing that your child is
maybe bigger than the other kidson the team.
All of that can bring up a lotof distress within your own self
, especially if similar thingshappen to you at that same age
(21:53):
when you were a child.
So and this is common storiesthat I hear where you were a kid
and you were trying out for acertain sport and you notice
that all the other kids your agewere thinner or smaller or more
athletic and could more easilydo the sport that you wanted to
do, and you became more aware ofthat.
I know.
For me, cross country was a bigpart of my story and also
(22:15):
intertwined with my eatingdisorder.
It was a big part of excessiveexercising, but I'll never
forget reading in a runner'smagazine benefits this was
actual article that said thebenefits of losing weight to be
a faster runner and I latchedonto that and did everything I
could to shrink myself and makemyself smaller so that I could
(22:36):
perform better.
That was a tailspin into myeating disorder.
And it's also challenging tosee my girls, who are moving
into the teen years, arrive atthat same age where I remember
feeling uncomfortable in my bodyor feeling like I needed to
change my body or feeling like Iwas so much bigger than all the
other kids around me.
(22:56):
And it's interesting that thoseparallel experiences,
experiences that we have had andthe experiences that we see our
kids having, can bring up a lotof those feelings.
And so if those things arehappening and you're noticing,
you might notice yourselffeeling anxious about your
child's body and how it'schanging, or maybe feeling like
(23:18):
I can't accept the way mychild's body is, or, again, I
wish my child's body wasdifferent.
And oftentimes the result ofthose thoughts or feelings,
those distressing thoughts andfeelings that come up, is again
shame.
Or it's easy to tailspin intoshame in ourselves as a parent.
Or like I can't believe I'mthinking these things about my
kid, like I am trying to runaway from those thoughts that I
(23:42):
had as a 10 year old or 11 yearold or 12 year old or 13,
whatever the age is that youwere, that you remember having
those thoughts about yourself orhearing people comment those
things about yourself.
And now to find yourselfthinking those same things
towards your kids.
Like man, I wish they ate lessat this birthday party.
I wish they didn't care so muchabout the cake and the ice
cream, or I wish they were in asmaller body or a larger body or
(24:03):
whatever it is.
You may find yourself thinkingthose thoughts and what I want
you to see is yes, it may berelated to internalized fat
phobia, yes, it may be relatedto fear of judgment, to fear of
being seen as a failure as aparent, and it may also be
related to your food and bodystory that's coming to the
surface and trying to speak, soto say, in the sense that it
(24:27):
needs more healing and it needsmore help.
And I think, when we can reallystart to look at those parts of
ourself with compassion andrealizing that those parts are
surfacing because they're stillwounded, those are wounded parts
of ourself that are oftenshowing up and engaging with our
kids, and it's from that placeof woundedness or fear that we
(24:48):
might engage in feeding our kidsor talking to them about food
or their bodies, or maybe dothings that we don't want to do,
but we find ourselves like notbeing able to help ourselves,
say certain things or do certainthings or maybe communicate
something in a nonverbal way.
It's like that anxiousness orthat woundedness is just coming
out in unintended ways Doesn'tmake you a bad parent.
(25:10):
That makes you human.
That makes you a human who hasa unique story that deserves to
be heard.
And one thing that I want youto just be thinking about as
you're listening to some of thisis number one can you have some
more awareness about when thisis coming up for you and can you
move towards more acceptance inorder to allow yourself space
(25:32):
for compassion and healing.
Again, we cannot heal from aplace of shaming ourselves and I
think when we can start to tryto shift the narrative from I'm
a bad parent for feeling thesethings to maybe I'm a wounded
person for having some of thesefeelings and I also deserve the
same care and love and attentionthat I'm trying so desperately
(25:54):
to give our kids.
And it's really hard to extendto our children what we haven't
been able to give ourselves.
And so often I find that manyof us often run into a wall when
we're trying to figure out likeI know I need to
unconditionally accept mychild's body, I know I
unconditionally need to accepttheir appetite and their food
(26:14):
preferences, but it's so hard todo that.
And if you find yourselfrunning into a wall, a question
to ask yourself is have thosethings been extended to you?
Did you feel like you wereaccepted unconditionally when it
came to your body or yourappetite or your food
preferences?
Or were those things that yourcaregivers tried to change in
(26:35):
you, or that your caregiverswere uncomfortable with and
projected their own distress andtheir own discomfort on you?
Are those things that you'reable to give yourself now?
Maybe you're still finding itdifficult to extend acceptance
towards yourself, towards yourbody, maybe towards the way that
your body has changed over theyears.
In growing and birthing andfeeding kids.
Our bodies change so much andyou might feel that it's still
(26:58):
difficult to accept your body.
I'm not saying love your body,I'm saying just accept your body
.
And what I want you to see isthat it's really hard to extend
and give to our kids what wenever received ourselves.
If you never had modeled to youan example of unconditional
acceptance of these things, it'sgoing to be hard to give those
(27:18):
things to your kids.
And again, that doesn't makeyou a bad parent and that's what
I hope you can take away fromthis.
And, like I was saying, numberone, just work on the awareness
piece.
Can you be more aware of what'scoming up for you?
One, it's coming up for youbecause it's so easy to try to
suppress those things, to pushthose things aside, and we never
will have an opportunity toheal or get curious about those
(27:39):
things if we're constantlytrying to shove them out of the
way from a place of shame.
The second thing I want you toconsider here is this question
what did I need at the age thatI am finding myself triggered by
in my own child.
This is such an amazing anddifficult question, reflection
question to think through, andit's also such a powerful one
(28:01):
because it can unlock the keysto the things that you're
needing to heal and to moveforward.
And again, when you can healthese parts of yourself, you can
be able to extend these thingsto your kids as well.
And so, let's say, I'm justthrowing out an example here,
but let's say your child iseight and you find yourself
triggered by your child at thisage at the way their body is
(28:22):
changing, or maybe theirappetite, and you notice a lot
of things coming up for you.
You notice a lot of distress,you're feeling uncomfortable for
the requests that they havearound certain foods, or you
notice yourself more hyper,focused on the way their body is
changing.
That could be a clue that thereare things that you needed at
that age that your child is alsoneeding as well.
(28:44):
So my question to you, or justmy encouragement, is to think
through and I know this can bereally hard and maybe this is
something that you can do withthe support of a professional
counselor, therapist, supportgroup, trusted friend, family
member.
It can be really helpful tomaterialize some of these things
by talking through them andjust by reflecting and asking
(29:04):
yourself what did I need at thatage?
What do I think I needed atthat age, at the age of eight?
What was going on for me as akid?
And I'm telling you thatthere's often a lot of parallel
situations where you mightremember that your body was also
changing, or maybe that's whena doctor said something to you,
or that was the time that acaregiver encouraged you to diet
(29:24):
.
I mean, there's so manydifferent scenarios that can
happen here and it's just nottrying to flood your system by
stepping too deeply into thosememories, but just trying to
understand what is what happenedaround that time.
That may be making this sameage in my own child equally
triggering.
And then the second part here isasking yourself and just
(29:45):
reflecting on, like, what did Ineed at that age?
What were some things that I mayhave needed when my body was
changing, when I was ravenous,when there were so many things
happening in my life?
What were some of the thingsthat I needed?
And that can be a beautifulplace to start learning how to
re-parent yourself as an adult,and I just want to throw out
(30:05):
some common denominators that Ithink a lot of us who are on
this re-parenting journey aroundfood and our bodies needed as
kids and didn't get.
A lot of us needed the sameunconditional acceptance that
we're trying so desperately togive our kids and we didn't
receive that.
So it makes perfect sense thatit's challenging to be able to
give that to your own kid, but alot of us just needed to know
(30:26):
that, no matter how our bodieschanged or the size of our body,
the size of our clothes, nomatter how we were changing,
that, there was someone reliablythere whose love and acceptance
of us was unchanging.
Sadly, so many of us didn'thave that and we often were
encouraged the opposite, wherewe were encouraged to lose
(30:49):
weight or to maintain a certainaesthetic or appearance and
there was so much worth andvalue tied to that, and so
there's so much connection there.
But I just want to encourageyou to reflect on those
questions and think about whatdid I need at that age, what was
going on for me, what did Ineed at that time and how can I
learn to give that to myself now?
I so appreciate you tuning in.
I know this wasn't a typicalepisode In a lot of ways.
(31:13):
I just wanted to share from theheart things that I have seen
that I know many of us carrywithin us, and I just want you
to know that you are truly doingan amazing job as a parent.
Your kiddos are so blessed tohave you, and the fact that
you're tuning in and learningand listening and eager to learn
more shows how much you carefor them.
So I hope you feel that andagain, any questions or feedback
(31:35):
on this episode?
I would love to hear from you Ifyou have found this podcast
helpful in any way.
I would be so grateful if youcould leave a rating or review.
It really does help otherparents connect to this resource
as well.
But just know that I am supergrateful for you and cannot wait
to connect with you next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
(31:55):
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystal Cargays.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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