October 30, 2023 • 34 mins
As mothers, we're not just feeding our children; we're helping them build a lifelong relationship with food, their bodies, and their self-image. This journey becomes particularly challenging during candy-centered holidays like Halloween. In this episode, we delve into the tools, strategies, and proactive understanding needed to navigate these sugar-coated occasions. We'll start by focusing on understanding our children's individual needs, temperaments, and personalities to foster a positive rapport with food and their bodies.
As a parent, do you find certain situations triggering? We've been there too, and we believe that the key to mindful parenting lies in recognizing our triggers. As we discuss our children's strong emotions and our own body size and appetite, we challenge the belief that restricting our children's food access or body size will keep them safe. Discover how such triggers can surface during candy-centered holidays and how we can use them to show up as better parents.
Lastly, we'll share our experiences and tips for handling triggers and parenting challenges during these holidays. Embracing the need to be gentle with ourselves, recognizing our triggers, and addressing them proactively is crucial. Learn how to ask for support when needed and communicate your love and acceptance for your children. Join us as we emphasize the importance of repairing situations with our children, apologize when we mess up, and show them that it's okay to be human. Embark on this journey with us to raising courageous, confident, and resilient children.
Show Links:
- [Podcast Episode]: "Your Step-by-Step Halloween Candy Game Plan to Rewrite the Script on Sweets"
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
We are days away from Halloween.
(00:42):
Here at the time of thisrecording and also on the
podcast, we've been doing a miniseries all about kids and
sweets, and so I am so glad thatyou're back for more on this
topic.
As we dive into anotherconversation.
All around this, and typicallyaround this time of year, I get
a lot of questions aboutstrategies and frameworks like
(01:04):
what do I do?
Give me the nitty gritty fromstart of Halloween day and the
days that follow, what can I doto help support my child with
sweets in a positive way?
And I so appreciate just theintentional desire to really
support our kids and help themlearn how to self-regulate
sweets, because the reality isand I know you hear me say this
(01:26):
all the time we live in a worldwhere all these foods exist and,
yes, even though it is not thenorm to have a high volume of
candy, like your kids might getafter trick-or-treating that is
not the norm.
However, we want our childrento learn how to effectively
self-regulate during times whenthere is access to a higher
(01:47):
volume of sweets.
Whether it's a candy-setteredholiday or a birthday party,
these occasions are part of reallife and so these situations
can provide valuable experiencesfor our children on their
intuitive eating journeys.
I also want to recognize that,starting from Halloween, all
through it seems likeValentine's Day and beyond,
(02:09):
really all year round there arethese candy-centered holidays
that come up and that can bequite triggering and bring up a
lot for you, for family members,for your kids.
These holidays can come with alot of mixed emotions, a lot of
different situations and nuancethat can sometimes be
challenging to navigate, andthat is what I want to chat with
(02:32):
you about today.
And while I do think there issignificant value in learning
strategies and frameworks andscripts about how to support our
children in having a positiverelationship with food.
I do think it's also importantto acknowledge that those things
can only take us so far, thatit still is necessary for us to
(02:53):
do the inner work ourselves andwork through a lot of our own
challenges or trauma or historyor experiences around food and
body which are shaping how weare showing up in our feeding
relationship with our children.
And this is where the rubbermeets the road and where it gets
really challenging because,quite frankly, it's so much
(03:15):
easier to be handed a downloador a PDF file that tells you all
the things that you should sayin certain situations or the
strategies that you shouldutilize.
However, we want to rememberthat feeding our children is not
a one-size-fits-all approach,and the reason for that is
because all of our children areunique and have their own
(03:37):
individual needs andtemperaments and personalities
that shape their relationshipwith food, and they're going to
bring those unique things intohow they navigate the world of
food and eating and their bodies, and the goal is that we are
able to become attuned to thatin order to be responsive to
what our children need, to whatthe child in front of you needs,
(03:59):
and oftentimes this is where Ifind that strategies and scripts
really do fall short becausethey're not necessarily
prescriptive for the child infront of us, and so I wanted to
dive a little bit more into thistoday.
I do, however, have an olderpodcast episode with all kinds
of strategies specific toHalloween and Halloween candies,
(04:22):
so if you are looking for moreof that and wanting information
on that, I will link that in theshow notes for you, because I
know that can be helpful.
And I also just want torecognize that many of us are
doing things or trying to dothings for our children that we
never had modeled to us, and so,of course, it's difficult to
know what to do in some of thesesituations when we never saw
(04:45):
any other caregivers doing thesethings, and so I definitely do
think there's value in scriptsand in strategies.
However, I also see where theyfall short, and that is where it
is important to beself-reflective and do some of
this inner work to understandwhat is influencing how we're
showing up for our kids, becausethat will play a big role in
(05:07):
how they feel about food andtheir bodies.
So you might be wondering orthinking okay, well, what is the
inner work that I need to do.
What does that look like?
This is where I believe beingaware of how we respond or react
to our children can be verytelling of underlying things
(05:27):
that we potentially need to workon ourselves, and when we find
ourselves, in particular, beingtriggered by certain eating
experiences with our kids, orbeing triggered by their body
size or their appetites, orfinding ourselves distressed or
feeling distressed when we'reengaging with our children
(05:47):
around food, these can be veryhelpful clues to discover what
deeper things are lying beneaththat, so to say.
When you're having certainresponses to your children,
especially around food or bodiesor meal times, these can often
be indicative of somethingdeeper, and sometimes it's
(06:08):
related to trauma that's beenunprocessed or unresolved around
food or your body.
Sometimes it's connected to adeep rooted belief that you may
have or that you had growing upthat was shaped by your
experiences around yourcaregivers and how they
interacted around food andbodies.
It can be related to differentthings, and today I just wanted
(06:31):
to talk about maybe some of thepotential triggers that might
come up for you, especiallyduring Halloween or really any
candy-centered holiday, because,as you know, these experiences
are not typical, they're notthings that are happening
frequently, and so we canactually gain a lot of valuable
data and information forourselves when we are engaging
(06:54):
with our children around theseunique or special experiences.
I also just want to normalizebeing triggered, as a parent, by
our children.
It happens all the time andbeing triggered itself is not
inherently a bad thing, and Ithink it's important to
distinguish that, because thegoal is to not ever be triggered
as we navigate our parentingjourney.
(07:16):
I think a better goal to lookat and think about is how can we
examine or recognize ourtriggers and start taking these
steps to identify our triggersin order to uncover any roots of
past emotional wounds that areaffecting us or our relationship
with our children, because ifyou can understand those
(07:36):
triggering points, you will bebetter able to create a safe and
nurturing environment for yourchild.
And this is certainly the casein how we approach food, how we
approach eating and mealtimeexperiences.
So I'm focusing specifically onthese aspects of parenting.
On this episode, however, I justwant to acknowledge that
feeding our kids doesn't happenin a vacuum, and many of the
(08:00):
interactions that we're havingwith our children throughout the
day can often be triggering formany different reasons.
So, first, it can be helpful tojust define what is a trigger?
And really a trigger can beanything that you experience in
a present moment that isactivating feelings from the
past.
So you might find that atrigger may cause you to act in
(08:23):
ways that, as a parent, you maynot value or believe.
And oftentimes a triggeringsituation may cause a reaction
that feels disproportionate tothe situation at hand.
So, for example, if your childspills a glass of milk and you
find yourself reacting in acertain way that feels
disproportionate to thatsituation, like okay, we can, we
(08:44):
can clean this up, no big deal.
But you might find yourselfraging or angry or you might
find yourself again reacting ina way that doesn't align with
what you believe or value as aparent.
And more often than not that isbecause a trigger is activating
an old wound from yourchildhood.
And really triggers are moreabout us as parents and our
(09:08):
difficulties in processing thesepast emotions, rather than your
child's behavior or what yourchild is actually engaging in in
those moments.
Trigger reactions can oftenbring up an emotional,
psychological, physiologicalresponse in your body, where you
find yourself respondingautomatically to the situation
(09:28):
at hand.
Sometimes it might feel likeyou don't have any control over
what's happening and again itmight feel out of proportion to
the situation, and these areoften related to experiences
that are happening or havehappened I'm sorry in our
childhood or our upbringing orvarious experiences that we've
had growing up, and essentiallythose things are coming back to
(09:49):
the surface in a similarsituation that's being acted out
with our own child.
I also want to recognize thatwe all have different triggers
as parents and caregivers, andwhat might be triggering for me
may not be triggering for you,and vice versa.
However, one commonality or onecommon theme that I often see
(10:10):
is feeling triggered by ourchildren experiencing strong
emotions.
This is often a major triggerfor many of us and typically
this is related to us beingraised in an environment or with
caregivers who did not allow usto freely express our emotions
(10:30):
in a safe space.
Or if we did, if we showed fearor if we showed anger or
sadness or frustration, it mayhave led to reactions that cause
us to feel unsafe.
So maybe we're punished forexhibiting certain emotions, or
shamed or invalidated or ignored.
These are experiences that cancause us to internalize the
(10:53):
belief that our emotions are notsafe or that what we're feeling
is not okay, and sometimes thatbelief can carry through with
us throughout our lives,especially if it's not something
that we address proactively,and so this can absolutely be
activated with our own kids whenwe see them exhibiting strong
emotional states that weourselves were never modeled how
(11:16):
to navigate.
Another big trigger that I seeoften showing up in this space
of feeding our children andengaging with them around food
and mealtimes is feelingtriggered because of their
appetites or their body sizes,and often this is connected to
experiences that we had growingup around our appetites or body
(11:38):
sizes, where maybe you wereshamed or bullied for how you
ate or how much you ate, or thesize of your body or how you
moved through life, and rightlyso.
You may feel protective or evenfearful that your child may
experience the same things ifyou observe those parallel
(11:59):
situations.
This is something that I seeespecially true for children in
larger bodies, where maybe, as achild, you experienced bullying
around your body size or wereshamed or belittled or made to
feel inadequate because of thesize of your body, and those
things stay with us and as wegrow up and start parenting our
(12:20):
own children and seeing ourchildren's bodies change or
perhaps you have a child who'salso in a larger body that can
bring you right back to the pastexperiences that you had
growing up and certainly bringup a lot of fear or distress as
you watch your child go throughor navigate similar situations
that you experienced and I'mgoing on a slight tangent here
(12:42):
and I feel like I could have awhole episode dedicated just to
this topic alone.
There's often this inherentbelief that if we prevent our
children in larger bodies fromeating certain foods or get them
to eat less or somehow get themto shrink their bodies or get
into a body size that dietculture deems as more acceptable
(13:03):
, that that will somehow keepthem safe from the fat phobia
and the harsh world that we livein.
That is very cruel to people inlarger bodies, and I just want
to lovingly and gently point outthat that is fallacy, because
what that is teaching ourchildren in larger bodies that
they are only accepted or lovedif they conform to certain
(13:24):
standards.
And what we want them to knowis that they are loved and
accepted wholeheartedly andunconditionally for who they are
, that they don't have to changewho they are in order to be
accepted.
And this is something that somany of us experience growing up
with our caregivers, with ourparents, who maybe put you on a
(13:45):
diet at a certain age becausethey felt like your body was not
okay, and we internalize thosemessages as kids.
Or perhaps someone made acomment to you that man, if you
just lost some weight, you wouldhave such an easier time
navigating the world.
And again, as children, weinternalize this message that
who we are is inherently wrongand that is connected to shame.
(14:09):
And it becomes very hard totrust or appreciate or respect
yourself or your body when youare constantly navigating life
with this predominant narrativeabout yourself.
And I see this surfacing a lotaround candy centered holidays,
where, especially for childrenin larger bodies, we may feel
(14:31):
uncomfortable with them havingaccess to sweets or higher
volume of sweets, or feel likeallowing them to eat a certain
amount of candy is just not okay.
And this is where I think it'sreally important to again
examine what is coming up for us.
What are the core beliefs thatwe may have and where do those
stem from?
And a question that I often poseto mothers and families that I
(14:53):
work with is would you feeldifferently about how or what
your child was eating if theywere in a different body size?
And if the answer is yes, whichI know that can be a really
difficult question to reflect on.
But if the answer is yes, thatmay be indicative of some inner
work that can be done in orderto support your child in a way
(15:15):
that allows them to feel thatthey are unconditionally loved
and accepted and trusted to eat,no matter the size of their
body.
And those are the things thatwe want our children to
internalize, rather than thesegenerational narratives of shame
and guilt that, again,predominantly surface during
special occasions or candycentered holidays.
(15:36):
These are common themes that wesee coming up and these are the
things that I just want you tobe aware of as you go into the
holiday season with yourchildren.
So staying on the lookout foryour reactions, for triggers
during these situations canbring a lot of insight and
awareness into what is coming upfor you.
Where's that stemming from?
And it can be a really powerfulexercise for us, as parents and
(16:00):
caregivers, to do that innerwork, to show up for our
children in a more powerful,positive and meaningful way and
to align with the things that wevalue and desire for our
children.
And as you're thinking aboutthis, something to reflect on is
what is happening for me whenI'm feeling triggered.
Maybe you're aware of certainfeelings or emotional states
(16:21):
that tend to surface or come upfor you, such as anger that is a
big one frustration.
Maybe you find yourself anxiousand you find your body
physiologically responding tothat anxiety.
Maybe you find your heartracing, you find yourself pacing
or engaging in certainbehaviors, that or displaying
that anxiety that's sittingthere in your body.
(16:41):
These are things to be aware of, because when we can have that
awareness of what is coming upfor us, it opens up a window for
us to do more work ourselves.
The goal is not to change ourchild's behavior per se, but
more to understand what's comingup for us.
How are we reacting and how areour reactions potentially being
projected onto our children.
(17:03):
And this is where I go back tounderstanding that as parents,
you can do and say all the rightthings and do and say all the
right frameworks and execute allthese different strategies, but
remembering that our childrenare very attuned to our
emotional state, so they'regoing to pick up on that anxiety
or that anger.
They may be aware of how we'rereacting to them in certain
(17:25):
situations in which we are beingtriggered.
So having that awarenessourselves can be so helpful.
I often say that it's like whenyour check engine light comes on
on your car dashboard.
I know for me, when it comes tocars, I'm so literate and I
wish I knew more about them, butI do know that when that check
engine light comes on, thatthere's something going on in
(17:48):
the car that needs someattention, and for me that's
really helpful, like, okay, whatcan I do to help my car in this
situation or to prevent alarger problem from forming
right?
And there's a lot of parallelsthere with triggers.
I think triggers can be ourcheck engine light for ourselves
in parenting, where werecognize something's coming up
(18:11):
and this is important.
This is something that needsattention and a little more TLC
in order to show up for my childin a way that again aligns with
what I value as a caregiver,that's raising a human in this
world.
So I know I've been speakingmore broadly about triggers.
However, I do want to justshare up some potential
(18:33):
experiences around Halloween oragain any canary-centered
holiday that may come up for youor that can bring up triggers
for you, and I'm just gonnashare a few.
This list is by no meansexhaustive.
I know there's plenty ofdifferent situations out there
that can be triggering and Iwon't be able to cover them all
by any means.
And again, what might betriggering for you may not be
(18:55):
triggering for me and vice versa.
So it's definitely a veryindividual situation.
However, these are just somecommon things that I've observed
anecdotally and also my ownexperience as a mother raising
five kids who is in eatingdisorder recovery.
So one big thing that I seeoften around Halloween is
feeling triggered by watchingyour child eat candy,
(19:17):
specifically a larger quantityof candy, and sometimes it can
be the pace at which your childis eating, where they're just
quickly getting through as muchcandy as they can.
There's trash all over thefloor.
I mean there's definitely a lotof different things happening
that can be triggering, but onething, for example, is having
past experiences come up for youthat are parallel to the
(19:40):
situation that you may see yourchild in.
So I know for me as a kidgrowing up that sweets were
often prohibited or tightlycontrolled and regulated and
there was never really asituation where we were allowed
to have a large volume of sweets, and I know my parents did the
absolute best they could withthe information and knowledge
(20:01):
that they had at the time, andthis is by no means about
blaming.
However, I do know that I neverreally had an opportunity to
learn how to self-regulate ahigher quantity of sweets, and
whenever sweets were accessibleit always felt chaotic.
It was like a feast or famine.
I have to get as much as I canbecause I don't know the next
(20:21):
time I'm going to have sweets.
And it did become a large partor piece of my eating disorder
in my late teens and early 20s,and so there's a lot of things
all those past experiences forme that I know can resurface
when I see similar situationshappening with my kids, and so
seeing my kids eat largequantity of sweets uninhibited
(20:44):
can feel distressing anduncomfortable, and it certainly
has.
I have come a long way throughmy own healing work around this
and through addressing thosedifferent pieces of my food
story, but certainly in my earlyparenting years that was
something that was really hardfor me to navigate and something
that made me feel anxiouswatching my kids eat that high
(21:05):
volume of sweets.
And as I piece that apart, Ibegan to realize and learn that
as a child, a common messagethat I had internalized was that
I couldn't be trusted to eatsweets.
That is something that shapedmy narrative as a child, and
that was something that I wasstarting to project on my own
kids, and that is not somethingthat was aligned with how I
(21:28):
wanted to parent, especiallyaround food and their bodies.
I wanted them to feel like theycould trust themselves.
However, there was thatconnection to my past
experiences, the narrative thatI was still holding and bringing
into, how I parented andapproached food with them.
All that to say, those pastexperiences greatly influenced
(21:49):
how I felt in parallelsituations with my children and
why I felt triggered in thosesituations.
And that is a common one that Isee for a lot of other parents
and caregivers too that watchingyour child eat high volumes of
candy can bring up a lot for youemotionally, especially if this
is not something that you werepermitted to do as a kid, or
(22:09):
maybe you were punished fordoing that as a child.
So if you were ever meant tofeel like you were wrong or you
were doing something wrong forenjoying a high volume of sweets
, it can feel very triggering towatch your child do the same
thing and not have similarthoughts or those past emotions
come up for you.
So just something to be awareof and just as a reflective
(22:31):
assignment for you per se ismaybe just examining what were
some of your past experiencesaround Halloween or other
candy-centered holidays thatinfluence maybe how you're
coming into these experienceswith your children.
Were you ever punished orridiculed or shamed for certain
things that you engaged inaround the holidays?
(22:52):
If so, that is something tojust be aware of, as those
feelings and emotions aroundthat can certainly resurface as
you watch your child experiencethe holidays too.
There can also be things aboutourselves that we see or observe
in our children that we havenot yet accepted within
ourselves.
So, as an example, if you findyourself as someone that has a
(23:15):
love for food and you enjoy foodand you have a great appetite,
you love eating.
You love eating a variety ofdifferent things, but maybe you
have come to loathe this part ofyourself for various reasons.
Maybe you were shamed for that,maybe you were bullied or put
down for loving food or wantingto eat, and so you learn to
dislike or separate yourselffrom that part of yourself.
(23:37):
And when we see similarbehaviors in our kids that are
reflective of those parts ofourselves that we have not yet
accepted, that can also feelvery triggering as well, while
our past experiences can be abig contributing factor to how
we're reacting when we'retriggered.
There are other things at playas well, and I want to make sure
(23:59):
to briefly touch on these, andthe first is sensory overload or
overstimulation.
Especially as a parent orcaregiver, this is something
that we are frequentlyencountering, with all the
different sensory input thatwe're getting throughout the day
being touched all the noise,all the auditory input that
we're receiving.
There's a lot happening, andespecially around holidays like
(24:22):
Halloween, where the energy isjust more intense, there's a lot
happening, a lot more thingsthat need to be done.
It can be really difficult tomanage this as a parent or
caregiver, and this can also bea contributor for reactions that
may feel disproportionate tothe situation at hand.
But especially around Halloween, where there's a lot going on,
(24:44):
there might be a lot more noiserunning around, excitement,
there may be all good thingshappening, but if it's
overloading to your sensorysystem or more information that
your brain can process, that canalso trigger various reactions
in you as well, especially ifwe're already stressed
(25:05):
navigating our days with ourkids Over stimulation can be
what just drives us over theedge and puts us into that fight
or flight mode where we're nowengaging with our kids from our
stress responses.
So this is something that isalso happening and another huge
topic that I hope to exploremore, because this is very
(25:25):
pertinent to parenting.
It comes up all the time and Idefinitely don't think we talk
about it enough.
But sensory overload oroverstimulation can also be very
triggering as a parent, andjust something to be aware of.
If you notice yourself beingmore prone to overstimulation,
where can you find some pocketsof relief or what can you do to
(25:46):
help yourself mitigate some ofthat sensory input that's coming
in, in order to preventyourself from being pushed into
a dysregulated state?
Because once we're in thatdysregulated state, it becomes
very challenging to connect withour kids in a positive way.
One last point I wanted to touchon briefly here as well is just
(26:07):
having unmet needs as a parent,especially as moms.
This is something that I seeall the time and I know it can
be so challenging, butoftentimes, as mothers, it's
very easy to push our needs,even basic needs, to the back
burner, especially aroundholidays.
I find that as parents, we overexert ourselves or are working
(26:30):
beyond the capacity that we mayhave, and this can make it very
challenging to stay present andengage with our kids in a
positive way when we're alreadyburnt out.
This can also certainly beconnected to early childhood
trauma as well, where you mayhave grown up believing that
your needs didn't matter, or youwere forced to push your needs
(26:50):
to the back burner in order toessentially care for your
parents or care for youngersiblings.
This is something that's alsoconnected to how we feel about
tending to ourselves and our ownindividual needs, and if we
have an internalized belief thatour needs don't matter, it's
going to be really difficult tolearn how to care for ourselves
(27:11):
in an effective way.
This can definitely surfaceduring holidays, too, where
you're going the extra mile tomake it special for your kids
and create memorable experiencesand doing all the things, and
if, throughout that process, youare feeling unseen or
unappreciated or that you don'tmatter, that can feel very
(27:31):
triggering and that can bebubbling beneath the surface as
you're moving through theseexperiences with your family.
So this is something toconsider as well, and I know
that's a huge topic in itself,perhaps for another podcast
episode, but I just want you tosee the different things that
are happening, especially aroundthe holiday season, especially
around holidays like Halloween,many different things that
(27:53):
sometimes come together tocreate this perfect storm and
you might find yourself reactingto your child in a way that you
don't want to be reacting.
And I just want to encourageyou to go gently with yourself
and, as you're having moreawareness around some of your
triggers, just considerreflecting, and sometimes it can
(28:14):
help to keep a little note, alittle running note maybe in
your phone, about things thatyou're aware of.
When you notice yourselfreacting, when you notice a
certain situation coming up,when we can materialize that and
kind of get it out of our head,it allows us to examine it more
objectively and to understandor just at least get curious
about what's coming up for us.
(28:34):
And this is where I also justwant to encourage you to be
compassionate with yourself,that we are doing the best that
we can as parents, and just thefact that you're tuning into
this and you're wanting to learnabout this shows how much you
care for your children, thechildren in your life, and
that's a huge thing.
So please go gently withyourself, be compassionate with
(28:55):
yourself, because we can't getcurious about what's coming up
for us or learn how to addressit if we're coming at it from a
place of shame.
It can also be helpful for youto start to learn or identify
what are your triggers as youlearn these things.
It can help you just createalmost like a mental map or
connect the dots to things thatyou may not have known about
(29:17):
yourself previously, and this iswhy I'm a huge fan of writing
it down or putting it out insome shape or form.
This can also help youpreventatively.
So when you know okay, I reactedlike this in this situation or
there's a pattern with how youreact in certain situations,
that can help you examine what'shappening and how can I help
(29:38):
support myself in futuresituations when similar
experiences are happening.
So like with the overstimulation factor, if you know
that auditory stimulation iswhat's driving you over the edge
, there are things that you cando to help yourself.
In those situations where theremay be auditory overstimulation
happening or knowing that whenyou're tired or running on lack
(30:00):
of sleep or haven't eaten adecent meal during the day, that
that is going to leave you withless capacity for your child's
big emotions during that day.
This can help you better carefor yourself and understand how
or why you're showing up foryour child in certain situations
.
This can also be helpful, justbeing able to ask for support if
(30:23):
you have that in your life.
So if you find yourself beingvery reactive to your child's
appetite or how they're eatingor, let's say, during Halloween,
when they're eating their candy, and you just aren't able to
manage the anxiety that's comingup for you, this is where it
can be helpful to bring in otherpeople that are safe for your
children, that may not have thesame reaction that you are
(30:47):
having, and this doesn't meanthat you're failing as a parent
or that you're doing somethingwrong.
It shows so much strength andcourage to be able to recognize
I can't really support my childin the way they need me to in
this situation.
However, there are maybe otherloving people in your life or in
your family who do have thecapacity to do that, and that's
(31:07):
where having those awareness ofour triggers can allow us to
support our children and supportourselves in meaningful ways.
Ultimately, I just want toencourage you to come back to
this piece of connection andunderstanding that making this
effort to connect with ourchildren can be so helpful and
take us so far, especially aswe're working through our own
(31:28):
inner work as parents andexploring the different triggers
or reactions that are coming upfor us.
Don't forget that connectingwith your child is one of the
most powerful things that youcan do and one of the most
meaningful ways to communicateyour acceptance, your love and
your trust in them.
And if you find yourself in asituation where you've reacted
(31:49):
in ways that you didn't want to,or perhaps something has come
up and now you're feeling guiltyabout yelling at your child or
scolding them or possiblycausing them to feel bad about
themselves for something thatthey did, this is where I just
want to encourage you toremember that there's so much
power in repair, in making theeffort to repair any situation
(32:11):
with our child and to be able toapologize to our children Again
.
These are things that many ofus did not experience from our
caregivers growing up, and to beable to model that to our
children can speak volumes.
And there's so much power inbeing able to say I'm sorry, I
did this and this is not how Iwanted to react.
(32:32):
This is not how I want to makeyou feel, will you please
forgive me?
Huge, huge, huge, huge for ourkids to be able to hear that
from us, and I think it'simportant to remember that,
because all of this work is notabout getting it right all the
time.
That's just not feasible,that's just not realistic and
you don't want to put thatburden on your shoulders.
Remind yourself that you'rehuman and you're not going to
get it right.
(32:52):
You're going to make mistakesat times and that's okay.
We want our children to seethat it's okay to be human.
It's not about achieving thisunrealistic standard of
perfectionism that does notbelong in parenting whatsoever,
but to allow your child to seethat I make mistakes, I can
apologize and I can make theeffort to repair my relationship
with my child, because I lovethem and I want them to feel and
(33:15):
know and trust that that lovewill always be there.
That is always something thatyou can fall back to.
So, wow, I know we went quitearound the gamut here in this
episode, but I hope you wereable to take away some things
that are helpful for you on yourparenting journey, especially
as you're working on shiftingaway from cycles of food guilt
and body shame and working sohard to raise an intuitive eater
(33:36):
.
You are doing amazing things,my friend.
I couldn't be more proud of youand I am just wishing you and
your family a most memorableHalloween experience.
I'd love to hear from you andjust hear how things went.
How did the whole candyexperience go?
You can always send me an emailover at hello at
crystalcargiscom, or feel freeto reply to any of the emails
(33:59):
that come your way.
If you're on my newsletter, I'dlove to just get an update and
hear how things are going.
I'm sending you so much lovefrom one mama to another and I
cannot wait to connect with youagain next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atcrystalcargis.
(34:21):
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
We are days away from Halloween.
(00:42):
Here at the time of thisrecording and also on the
podcast, we've been doing a miniseries all about kids and
sweets, and so I am so glad thatyou're back for more on this
topic.
As we dive into anotherconversation.
All around this, and typicallyaround this time of year, I get
a lot of questions aboutstrategies and frameworks like
(01:04):
what do I do?
Give me the nitty gritty fromstart of Halloween day and the
days that follow, what can I doto help support my child with
sweets in a positive way?
And I so appreciate just theintentional desire to really
support our kids and help themlearn how to self-regulate
sweets, because the reality isand I know you hear me say this
(01:26):
all the time we live in a worldwhere all these foods exist and,
yes, even though it is not thenorm to have a high volume of
candy, like your kids might getafter trick-or-treating that is
not the norm.
However, we want our childrento learn how to effectively
self-regulate during times whenthere is access to a higher
(01:47):
volume of sweets.
Whether it's a candy-setteredholiday or a birthday party,
these occasions are part of reallife and so these situations
can provide valuable experiencesfor our children on their
intuitive eating journeys.
I also want to recognize that,starting from Halloween, all
through it seems likeValentine's Day and beyond,
(02:09):
really all year round there arethese candy-centered holidays
that come up and that can bequite triggering and bring up a
lot for you, for family members,for your kids.
These holidays can come with alot of mixed emotions, a lot of
different situations and nuancethat can sometimes be
challenging to navigate, andthat is what I want to chat with
(02:32):
you about today.
And while I do think there issignificant value in learning
strategies and frameworks andscripts about how to support our
children in having a positiverelationship with food.
I do think it's also importantto acknowledge that those things
can only take us so far, thatit still is necessary for us to
(02:53):
do the inner work ourselves andwork through a lot of our own
challenges or trauma or historyor experiences around food and
body which are shaping how weare showing up in our feeding
relationship with our children.
And this is where the rubbermeets the road and where it gets
really challenging because,quite frankly, it's so much
(03:15):
easier to be handed a downloador a PDF file that tells you all
the things that you should sayin certain situations or the
strategies that you shouldutilize.
However, we want to rememberthat feeding our children is not
a one-size-fits-all approach,and the reason for that is
because all of our children areunique and have their own
(03:37):
individual needs andtemperaments and personalities
that shape their relationshipwith food, and they're going to
bring those unique things intohow they navigate the world of
food and eating and their bodies, and the goal is that we are
able to become attuned to thatin order to be responsive to
what our children need, to whatthe child in front of you needs,
(03:59):
and oftentimes this is where Ifind that strategies and scripts
really do fall short becausethey're not necessarily
prescriptive for the child infront of us, and so I wanted to
dive a little bit more into thistoday.
I do, however, have an olderpodcast episode with all kinds
of strategies specific toHalloween and Halloween candies,
(04:22):
so if you are looking for moreof that and wanting information
on that, I will link that in theshow notes for you, because I
know that can be helpful.
And I also just want torecognize that many of us are
doing things or trying to dothings for our children that we
never had modeled to us, and so,of course, it's difficult to
know what to do in some of thesesituations when we never saw
(04:45):
any other caregivers doing thesethings, and so I definitely do
think there's value in scriptsand in strategies.
However, I also see where theyfall short, and that is where it
is important to beself-reflective and do some of
this inner work to understandwhat is influencing how we're
showing up for our kids, becausethat will play a big role in
(05:07):
how they feel about food andtheir bodies.
So you might be wondering orthinking okay, well, what is the
inner work that I need to do.
What does that look like?
This is where I believe beingaware of how we respond or react
to our children can be verytelling of underlying things
(05:27):
that we potentially need to workon ourselves, and when we find
ourselves, in particular, beingtriggered by certain eating
experiences with our kids, orbeing triggered by their body
size or their appetites, orfinding ourselves distressed or
feeling distressed when we'reengaging with our children
(05:47):
around food, these can be veryhelpful clues to discover what
deeper things are lying beneaththat, so to say.
When you're having certainresponses to your children,
especially around food or bodiesor meal times, these can often
be indicative of somethingdeeper, and sometimes it's
(06:08):
related to trauma that's beenunprocessed or unresolved around
food or your body.
Sometimes it's connected to adeep rooted belief that you may
have or that you had growing upthat was shaped by your
experiences around yourcaregivers and how they
interacted around food andbodies.
It can be related to differentthings, and today I just wanted
(06:31):
to talk about maybe some of thepotential triggers that might
come up for you, especiallyduring Halloween or really any
candy-centered holiday, because,as you know, these experiences
are not typical, they're notthings that are happening
frequently, and so we canactually gain a lot of valuable
data and information forourselves when we are engaging
(06:54):
with our children around theseunique or special experiences.
I also just want to normalizebeing triggered, as a parent, by
our children.
It happens all the time andbeing triggered itself is not
inherently a bad thing, and Ithink it's important to
distinguish that, because thegoal is to not ever be triggered
as we navigate our parentingjourney.
(07:16):
I think a better goal to lookat and think about is how can we
examine or recognize ourtriggers and start taking these
steps to identify our triggersin order to uncover any roots of
past emotional wounds that areaffecting us or our relationship
with our children, because ifyou can understand those
(07:36):
triggering points, you will bebetter able to create a safe and
nurturing environment for yourchild.
And this is certainly the casein how we approach food, how we
approach eating and mealtimeexperiences.
So I'm focusing specifically onthese aspects of parenting.
On this episode, however, I justwant to acknowledge that
feeding our kids doesn't happenin a vacuum, and many of the
(08:00):
interactions that we're havingwith our children throughout the
day can often be triggering formany different reasons.
So, first, it can be helpful tojust define what is a trigger?
And really a trigger can beanything that you experience in
a present moment that isactivating feelings from the
past.
So you might find that atrigger may cause you to act in
(08:23):
ways that, as a parent, you maynot value or believe.
And oftentimes a triggeringsituation may cause a reaction
that feels disproportionate tothe situation at hand.
So, for example, if your childspills a glass of milk and you
find yourself reacting in acertain way that feels
disproportionate to thatsituation, like okay, we can, we
(08:44):
can clean this up, no big deal.
But you might find yourselfraging or angry or you might
find yourself again reacting ina way that doesn't align with
what you believe or value as aparent.
And more often than not that isbecause a trigger is activating
an old wound from yourchildhood.
And really triggers are moreabout us as parents and our
(09:08):
difficulties in processing thesepast emotions, rather than your
child's behavior or what yourchild is actually engaging in in
those moments.
Trigger reactions can oftenbring up an emotional,
psychological, physiologicalresponse in your body, where you
find yourself respondingautomatically to the situation
(09:28):
at hand.
Sometimes it might feel likeyou don't have any control over
what's happening and again itmight feel out of proportion to
the situation, and these areoften related to experiences
that are happening or havehappened I'm sorry in our
childhood or our upbringing orvarious experiences that we've
had growing up, and essentiallythose things are coming back to
(09:49):
the surface in a similarsituation that's being acted out
with our own child.
I also want to recognize thatwe all have different triggers
as parents and caregivers, andwhat might be triggering for me
may not be triggering for you,and vice versa.
However, one commonality or onecommon theme that I often see
(10:10):
is feeling triggered by ourchildren experiencing strong
emotions.
This is often a major triggerfor many of us and typically
this is related to us beingraised in an environment or with
caregivers who did not allow usto freely express our emotions
(10:30):
in a safe space.
Or if we did, if we showed fearor if we showed anger or
sadness or frustration, it mayhave led to reactions that cause
us to feel unsafe.
So maybe we're punished forexhibiting certain emotions, or
shamed or invalidated or ignored.
These are experiences that cancause us to internalize the
(10:53):
belief that our emotions are notsafe or that what we're feeling
is not okay, and sometimes thatbelief can carry through with
us throughout our lives,especially if it's not something
that we address proactively,and so this can absolutely be
activated with our own kids whenwe see them exhibiting strong
emotional states that weourselves were never modeled how
(11:16):
to navigate.
Another big trigger that I seeoften showing up in this space
of feeding our children andengaging with them around food
and mealtimes is feelingtriggered because of their
appetites or their body sizes,and often this is connected to
experiences that we had growingup around our appetites or body
(11:38):
sizes, where maybe you wereshamed or bullied for how you
ate or how much you ate, or thesize of your body or how you
moved through life, and rightlyso.
You may feel protective or evenfearful that your child may
experience the same things ifyou observe those parallel
(11:59):
situations.
This is something that I seeespecially true for children in
larger bodies, where maybe, as achild, you experienced bullying
around your body size or wereshamed or belittled or made to
feel inadequate because of thesize of your body, and those
things stay with us and as wegrow up and start parenting our
(12:20):
own children and seeing ourchildren's bodies change or
perhaps you have a child who'salso in a larger body that can
bring you right back to the pastexperiences that you had
growing up and certainly bringup a lot of fear or distress as
you watch your child go throughor navigate similar situations
that you experienced and I'mgoing on a slight tangent here
(12:42):
and I feel like I could have awhole episode dedicated just to
this topic alone.
There's often this inherentbelief that if we prevent our
children in larger bodies fromeating certain foods or get them
to eat less or somehow get themto shrink their bodies or get
into a body size that dietculture deems as more acceptable
(13:03):
, that that will somehow keepthem safe from the fat phobia
and the harsh world that we livein.
That is very cruel to people inlarger bodies, and I just want
to lovingly and gently point outthat that is fallacy, because
what that is teaching ourchildren in larger bodies that
they are only accepted or lovedif they conform to certain
(13:24):
standards.
And what we want them to knowis that they are loved and
accepted wholeheartedly andunconditionally for who they are
, that they don't have to changewho they are in order to be
accepted.
And this is something that somany of us experience growing up
with our caregivers, with ourparents, who maybe put you on a
(13:45):
diet at a certain age becausethey felt like your body was not
okay, and we internalize thosemessages as kids.
Or perhaps someone made acomment to you that man, if you
just lost some weight, you wouldhave such an easier time
navigating the world.
And again, as children, weinternalize this message that
who we are is inherently wrongand that is connected to shame.
(14:09):
And it becomes very hard totrust or appreciate or respect
yourself or your body when youare constantly navigating life
with this predominant narrativeabout yourself.
And I see this surfacing a lotaround candy centered holidays,
where, especially for childrenin larger bodies, we may feel
(14:31):
uncomfortable with them havingaccess to sweets or higher
volume of sweets, or feel likeallowing them to eat a certain
amount of candy is just not okay.
And this is where I think it'sreally important to again
examine what is coming up for us.
What are the core beliefs thatwe may have and where do those
stem from?
And a question that I often poseto mothers and families that I
(14:53):
work with is would you feeldifferently about how or what
your child was eating if theywere in a different body size?
And if the answer is yes, whichI know that can be a really
difficult question to reflect on.
But if the answer is yes, thatmay be indicative of some inner
work that can be done in orderto support your child in a way
(15:15):
that allows them to feel thatthey are unconditionally loved
and accepted and trusted to eat,no matter the size of their
body.
And those are the things thatwe want our children to
internalize, rather than thesegenerational narratives of shame
and guilt that, again,predominantly surface during
special occasions or candycentered holidays.
(15:36):
These are common themes that wesee coming up and these are the
things that I just want you tobe aware of as you go into the
holiday season with yourchildren.
So staying on the lookout foryour reactions, for triggers
during these situations canbring a lot of insight and
awareness into what is coming upfor you.
Where's that stemming from?
And it can be a really powerfulexercise for us, as parents and
(16:00):
caregivers, to do that innerwork, to show up for our
children in a more powerful,positive and meaningful way and
to align with the things that wevalue and desire for our
children.
And as you're thinking aboutthis, something to reflect on is
what is happening for me whenI'm feeling triggered.
Maybe you're aware of certainfeelings or emotional states
(16:21):
that tend to surface or come upfor you, such as anger that is a
big one frustration.
Maybe you find yourself anxiousand you find your body
physiologically responding tothat anxiety.
Maybe you find your heartracing, you find yourself pacing
or engaging in certainbehaviors, that or displaying
that anxiety that's sittingthere in your body.
(16:41):
These are things to be aware of, because when we can have that
awareness of what is coming upfor us, it opens up a window for
us to do more work ourselves.
The goal is not to change ourchild's behavior per se, but
more to understand what's comingup for us.
How are we reacting and how areour reactions potentially being
projected onto our children.
(17:03):
And this is where I go back tounderstanding that as parents,
you can do and say all the rightthings and do and say all the
right frameworks and execute allthese different strategies, but
remembering that our childrenare very attuned to our
emotional state, so they'regoing to pick up on that anxiety
or that anger.
They may be aware of how we'rereacting to them in certain
(17:25):
situations in which we are beingtriggered.
So having that awarenessourselves can be so helpful.
I often say that it's like whenyour check engine light comes on
on your car dashboard.
I know for me, when it comes tocars, I'm so literate and I
wish I knew more about them, butI do know that when that check
engine light comes on, thatthere's something going on in
(17:48):
the car that needs someattention, and for me that's
really helpful, like, okay, whatcan I do to help my car in this
situation or to prevent alarger problem from forming
right?
And there's a lot of parallelsthere with triggers.
I think triggers can be ourcheck engine light for ourselves
in parenting, where werecognize something's coming up
(18:11):
and this is important.
This is something that needsattention and a little more TLC
in order to show up for my childin a way that again aligns with
what I value as a caregiver,that's raising a human in this
world.
So I know I've been speakingmore broadly about triggers.
However, I do want to justshare up some potential
(18:33):
experiences around Halloween oragain any canary-centered
holiday that may come up for youor that can bring up triggers
for you, and I'm just gonnashare a few.
This list is by no meansexhaustive.
I know there's plenty ofdifferent situations out there
that can be triggering and Iwon't be able to cover them all
by any means.
And again, what might betriggering for you may not be
(18:55):
triggering for me and vice versa.
So it's definitely a veryindividual situation.
However, these are just somecommon things that I've observed
anecdotally and also my ownexperience as a mother raising
five kids who is in eatingdisorder recovery.
So one big thing that I seeoften around Halloween is
feeling triggered by watchingyour child eat candy,
(19:17):
specifically a larger quantityof candy, and sometimes it can
be the pace at which your childis eating, where they're just
quickly getting through as muchcandy as they can.
There's trash all over thefloor.
I mean there's definitely a lotof different things happening
that can be triggering, but onething, for example, is having
past experiences come up for youthat are parallel to the
(19:40):
situation that you may see yourchild in.
So I know for me as a kidgrowing up that sweets were
often prohibited or tightlycontrolled and regulated and
there was never really asituation where we were allowed
to have a large volume of sweets, and I know my parents did the
absolute best they could withthe information and knowledge
(20:01):
that they had at the time, andthis is by no means about
blaming.
However, I do know that I neverreally had an opportunity to
learn how to self-regulate ahigher quantity of sweets, and
whenever sweets were accessibleit always felt chaotic.
It was like a feast or famine.
I have to get as much as I canbecause I don't know the next
(20:21):
time I'm going to have sweets.
And it did become a large partor piece of my eating disorder
in my late teens and early 20s,and so there's a lot of things
all those past experiences forme that I know can resurface
when I see similar situationshappening with my kids, and so
seeing my kids eat largequantity of sweets uninhibited
(20:44):
can feel distressing anduncomfortable, and it certainly
has.
I have come a long way throughmy own healing work around this
and through addressing thosedifferent pieces of my food
story, but certainly in my earlyparenting years that was
something that was really hardfor me to navigate and something
that made me feel anxiouswatching my kids eat that high
(21:05):
volume of sweets.
And as I piece that apart, Ibegan to realize and learn that
as a child, a common messagethat I had internalized was that
I couldn't be trusted to eatsweets.
That is something that shapedmy narrative as a child, and
that was something that I wasstarting to project on my own
kids, and that is not somethingthat was aligned with how I
(21:28):
wanted to parent, especiallyaround food and their bodies.
I wanted them to feel like theycould trust themselves.
However, there was thatconnection to my past
experiences, the narrative thatI was still holding and bringing
into, how I parented andapproached food with them.
All that to say, those pastexperiences greatly influenced
(21:49):
how I felt in parallelsituations with my children and
why I felt triggered in thosesituations.
And that is a common one that Isee for a lot of other parents
and caregivers too that watchingyour child eat high volumes of
candy can bring up a lot for youemotionally, especially if this
is not something that you werepermitted to do as a kid, or
(22:09):
maybe you were punished fordoing that as a child.
So if you were ever meant tofeel like you were wrong or you
were doing something wrong forenjoying a high volume of sweets
, it can feel very triggering towatch your child do the same
thing and not have similarthoughts or those past emotions
come up for you.
So just something to be awareof and just as a reflective
(22:31):
assignment for you per se ismaybe just examining what were
some of your past experiencesaround Halloween or other
candy-centered holidays thatinfluence maybe how you're
coming into these experienceswith your children.
Were you ever punished orridiculed or shamed for certain
things that you engaged inaround the holidays?
(22:52):
If so, that is something tojust be aware of, as those
feelings and emotions aroundthat can certainly resurface as
you watch your child experiencethe holidays too.
There can also be things aboutourselves that we see or observe
in our children that we havenot yet accepted within
ourselves.
So, as an example, if you findyourself as someone that has a
(23:15):
love for food and you enjoy foodand you have a great appetite,
you love eating.
You love eating a variety ofdifferent things, but maybe you
have come to loathe this part ofyourself for various reasons.
Maybe you were shamed for that,maybe you were bullied or put
down for loving food or wantingto eat, and so you learn to
dislike or separate yourselffrom that part of yourself.
(23:37):
And when we see similarbehaviors in our kids that are
reflective of those parts ofourselves that we have not yet
accepted, that can also feelvery triggering as well, while
our past experiences can be abig contributing factor to how
we're reacting when we'retriggered.
There are other things at playas well, and I want to make sure
(23:59):
to briefly touch on these, andthe first is sensory overload or
overstimulation.
Especially as a parent orcaregiver, this is something
that we are frequentlyencountering, with all the
different sensory input thatwe're getting throughout the day
being touched all the noise,all the auditory input that
we're receiving.
There's a lot happening, andespecially around holidays like
(24:22):
Halloween, where the energy isjust more intense, there's a lot
happening, a lot more thingsthat need to be done.
It can be really difficult tomanage this as a parent or
caregiver, and this can also bea contributor for reactions that
may feel disproportionate tothe situation at hand.
But especially around Halloween, where there's a lot going on,
(24:44):
there might be a lot more noiserunning around, excitement,
there may be all good thingshappening, but if it's
overloading to your sensorysystem or more information that
your brain can process, that canalso trigger various reactions
in you as well, especially ifwe're already stressed
(25:05):
navigating our days with ourkids Over stimulation can be
what just drives us over theedge and puts us into that fight
or flight mode where we're nowengaging with our kids from our
stress responses.
So this is something that isalso happening and another huge
topic that I hope to exploremore, because this is very
(25:25):
pertinent to parenting.
It comes up all the time and Idefinitely don't think we talk
about it enough.
But sensory overload oroverstimulation can also be very
triggering as a parent, andjust something to be aware of.
If you notice yourself beingmore prone to overstimulation,
where can you find some pocketsof relief or what can you do to
(25:46):
help yourself mitigate some ofthat sensory input that's coming
in, in order to preventyourself from being pushed into
a dysregulated state?
Because once we're in thatdysregulated state, it becomes
very challenging to connect withour kids in a positive way.
One last point I wanted to touchon briefly here as well is just
(26:07):
having unmet needs as a parent,especially as moms.
This is something that I seeall the time and I know it can
be so challenging, butoftentimes, as mothers, it's
very easy to push our needs,even basic needs, to the back
burner, especially aroundholidays.
I find that as parents, we overexert ourselves or are working
(26:30):
beyond the capacity that we mayhave, and this can make it very
challenging to stay present andengage with our kids in a
positive way when we're alreadyburnt out.
This can also certainly beconnected to early childhood
trauma as well, where you mayhave grown up believing that
your needs didn't matter, or youwere forced to push your needs
(26:50):
to the back burner in order toessentially care for your
parents or care for youngersiblings.
This is something that's alsoconnected to how we feel about
tending to ourselves and our ownindividual needs, and if we
have an internalized belief thatour needs don't matter, it's
going to be really difficult tolearn how to care for ourselves
(27:11):
in an effective way.
This can definitely surfaceduring holidays, too, where
you're going the extra mile tomake it special for your kids
and create memorable experiencesand doing all the things, and
if, throughout that process, youare feeling unseen or
unappreciated or that you don'tmatter, that can feel very
(27:31):
triggering and that can bebubbling beneath the surface as
you're moving through theseexperiences with your family.
So this is something toconsider as well, and I know
that's a huge topic in itself,perhaps for another podcast
episode, but I just want you tosee the different things that
are happening, especially aroundthe holiday season, especially
around holidays like Halloween,many different things that
(27:53):
sometimes come together tocreate this perfect storm and
you might find yourself reactingto your child in a way that you
don't want to be reacting.
And I just want to encourageyou to go gently with yourself
and, as you're having moreawareness around some of your
triggers, just considerreflecting, and sometimes it can
(28:14):
help to keep a little note, alittle running note maybe in
your phone, about things thatyou're aware of.
When you notice yourselfreacting, when you notice a
certain situation coming up,when we can materialize that and
kind of get it out of our head,it allows us to examine it more
objectively and to understandor just at least get curious
about what's coming up for us.
(28:34):
And this is where I also justwant to encourage you to be
compassionate with yourself,that we are doing the best that
we can as parents, and just thefact that you're tuning into
this and you're wanting to learnabout this shows how much you
care for your children, thechildren in your life, and
that's a huge thing.
So please go gently withyourself, be compassionate with
(28:55):
yourself, because we can't getcurious about what's coming up
for us or learn how to addressit if we're coming at it from a
place of shame.
It can also be helpful for youto start to learn or identify
what are your triggers as youlearn these things.
It can help you just createalmost like a mental map or
connect the dots to things thatyou may not have known about
(29:17):
yourself previously, and this iswhy I'm a huge fan of writing
it down or putting it out insome shape or form.
This can also help youpreventatively.
So when you know okay, I reactedlike this in this situation or
there's a pattern with how youreact in certain situations,
that can help you examine what'shappening and how can I help
(29:38):
support myself in futuresituations when similar
experiences are happening.
So like with the overstimulation factor, if you know
that auditory stimulation iswhat's driving you over the edge
, there are things that you cando to help yourself.
In those situations where theremay be auditory overstimulation
happening or knowing that whenyou're tired or running on lack
(30:00):
of sleep or haven't eaten adecent meal during the day, that
that is going to leave you withless capacity for your child's
big emotions during that day.
This can help you better carefor yourself and understand how
or why you're showing up foryour child in certain situations
.
This can also be helpful, justbeing able to ask for support if
(30:23):
you have that in your life.
So if you find yourself beingvery reactive to your child's
appetite or how they're eatingor, let's say, during Halloween,
when they're eating their candy, and you just aren't able to
manage the anxiety that's comingup for you, this is where it
can be helpful to bring in otherpeople that are safe for your
children, that may not have thesame reaction that you are
(30:47):
having, and this doesn't meanthat you're failing as a parent
or that you're doing somethingwrong.
It shows so much strength andcourage to be able to recognize
I can't really support my childin the way they need me to in
this situation.
However, there are maybe otherloving people in your life or in
your family who do have thecapacity to do that, and that's
(31:07):
where having those awareness ofour triggers can allow us to
support our children and supportourselves in meaningful ways.
Ultimately, I just want toencourage you to come back to
this piece of connection andunderstanding that making this
effort to connect with ourchildren can be so helpful and
take us so far, especially aswe're working through our own
(31:28):
inner work as parents andexploring the different triggers
or reactions that are coming upfor us.
Don't forget that connectingwith your child is one of the
most powerful things that youcan do and one of the most
meaningful ways to communicateyour acceptance, your love and
your trust in them.
And if you find yourself in asituation where you've reacted
(31:49):
in ways that you didn't want to,or perhaps something has come
up and now you're feeling guiltyabout yelling at your child or
scolding them or possiblycausing them to feel bad about
themselves for something thatthey did, this is where I just
want to encourage you toremember that there's so much
power in repair, in making theeffort to repair any situation
(32:11):
with our child and to be able toapologize to our children Again
.
These are things that many ofus did not experience from our
caregivers growing up, and to beable to model that to our
children can speak volumes.
And there's so much power inbeing able to say I'm sorry, I
did this and this is not how Iwanted to react.
(32:32):
This is not how I want to makeyou feel, will you please
forgive me?
Huge, huge, huge, huge for ourkids to be able to hear that
from us, and I think it'simportant to remember that,
because all of this work is notabout getting it right all the
time.
That's just not feasible,that's just not realistic and
you don't want to put thatburden on your shoulders.
Remind yourself that you'rehuman and you're not going to
get it right.
(32:52):
You're going to make mistakesat times and that's okay.
We want our children to seethat it's okay to be human.
It's not about achieving thisunrealistic standard of
perfectionism that does notbelong in parenting whatsoever,
but to allow your child to seethat I make mistakes, I can
apologize and I can make theeffort to repair my relationship
with my child, because I lovethem and I want them to feel and
(33:15):
know and trust that that lovewill always be there.
That is always something thatyou can fall back to.
So, wow, I know we went quitearound the gamut here in this
episode, but I hope you wereable to take away some things
that are helpful for you on yourparenting journey, especially
as you're working on shiftingaway from cycles of food guilt
and body shame and working sohard to raise an intuitive eater
(33:36):
.
You are doing amazing things,my friend.
I couldn't be more proud of youand I am just wishing you and
your family a most memorableHalloween experience.
I'd love to hear from you andjust hear how things went.
How did the whole candyexperience go?
You can always send me an emailover at hello at
crystalcargiscom, or feel freeto reply to any of the emails
(33:59):
that come your way.
If you're on my newsletter, I'dlove to just get an update and
hear how things are going.
I'm sending you so much lovefrom one mama to another and I
cannot wait to connect with youagain next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atcrystalcargis.
(34:21):
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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