July 30, 2023 • 28 mins
Ever grappled with your child's constant hunger pangs right after meals? Fear not, for this episode is designed to help you navigate those mealtime challenges and put your worries to rest. Together, we'll demystify why your child might be feeling hungry soon after a meal, helping you understand their needs better. We'll also delve into recognizing your triggers and finding ways to ensure your child knows that food is never off-limits. You're not alone in this - I'm right here with you, and we're going to tackle this together!
This episode doesn't stop at troubleshooting; it digs deeper into the pivotal role of environment during mealtimes. We'll uncover how to create a nurturing and stress-free atmosphere that encourages your child to enjoy their food without pressure. It's not just about the food, rather the connection and relaxation that comes along with the meal. We'll discuss the importance of having regular eating schedules and self-care practices for parents. Let's redefine meal times together, transforming them into an enjoyable experience for both you and your child, and put an end to the legacy of diet culture in our homes for good.
Show Links:
- [Podcast Episode]: School's Out For Summer: How to Deal With All the Food Requests?
- [Free Guide]: "Simplify Snacking: The Snack Guide For Busy Moms Raising Intuitive Eaters"
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand I hope that you and your
(00:42):
family are enjoying your summer.
Today I am tackling anothergreat question, and I have
gotten this question in manydifferent forms, and so I'm not
going to read a specificquestion per se, but just talk
about a scenario in general.
I want to paint this picturefor you first, because there's a
good chance that, if you are aparent feeding kids, that you
(01:04):
have encountered this in someshape or form.
I want you to imagine it's theend of a long day.
You're trying to figure outwhat to put together to feed
your family.
You gather your ingredients,you do the work to put it
together and put it on the tableand have your family come
together.
That in itself is a huge feat,right?
And your child doesn't seem towant to eat or seem interested
(01:27):
in the meal at all.
And you, doing the great workthat you're doing and trying to
support your child in honoringtheir intuitive eating abilities
, are doing your best to notpressure them to eat or take a
bite or try anything that theydon't want to.
You're trying your best tohonor their autonomy and support
them in learning to listen totheir bodies.
And the meal goes on.
(01:48):
You notice your child reallyhasn't eaten a whole lot.
You now go through the motionsand the routine of having to
clean up the meal that you'vejust prepared for your family
and starting to transition intobedtime routines, only to be met
with your child telling you Mom, I'm hungry, I want to snack,
(02:08):
minutes after you have justfinished dinner.
What do you do?
This is such a challengingsituation and it can definitely
be frustrating and eventriggering.
I've had a lot of moms who'veexpressed to me that I feel
really triggered when I've gonethrough the trouble and put in
all this work to feed my familyand to make a meal for my family
(02:30):
, only to be met with my childrefusing to eat or maybe eating
very little or showing littleinterest and engaging in the
meal or eating at all, and thento ask for a snack quickly or
soon after the meal is done.
This can bring up a lot offeelings and if this is
something that you've beenthrough, I want you to know that
you're not alone.
(02:50):
This can come up and I want to,today, just talk to you a couple
reasons why this can behappening and how you can
potentially troubleshoot this ifthis seems to be a reoccurring
issue in your home, and alsojust to hold space for how
frustrating it can be and toknow to you that often, when
we're feeling triggered bysomething like this, just to
(03:11):
remember you know, we want totry to separate our own feelings
and our experiences from ourchild, because it's easy to
project our frustration, ouranger, the things that are
coming up for us onto our kids,and oftentimes our child's
refusal to eat or maybe refuseto eat the things that we have
gone out of our way to preparefor them and thoughtfully put
(03:33):
together for them can sometimesfeel like a direct rejection of
ourselves, and it can often putyou in a position, as a parent,
where you feel like I'm notseeing.
The invisible labor of what Ido to take care of my family
goes unnoticed.
And I just want to remind you,as triggering as it can feel,
remember that it's not yourchild's fault and this is
(03:54):
something key to remember to youand it's not our child's job to
eat, to give us any sort ofvalidation, and oftentimes we
look subconsciously, are lookingto our kids to validate the
needs that we have as parentsand as humans who are parenting
and who are often parenting inthe trenches, without any sense
(04:15):
of encouragement or support, oroften feel isolated or alone or
that the work that we're doingis more often than not going
unrecognized.
And so I just want to encourageyou in understanding that if
you're feeling triggered, thisisn't your fault.
It isn't something that you'redoing wrong.
As a parent, it's very normal tohave these feelings if they're
coming up for you, and rememberthat practicing awareness of
(04:37):
what's coming up for you isalways a first and powerful step
to examining what's sittingthere and to learn how to better
support yourself through thesesituations.
So I just wanted to start therebefore we jump into potentially
troubleshooting what might begoing on, but this can be a
really tough situation.
As you can see, it's definitelylayered, and as a parent, it
(04:57):
can be helpful to just rememberthe big picture goals here that
we want our children to buildpositive associations around
food and with eating, and adefault reaction to your child's
request for snack or for foodsoon after you have provided a
meal for them that they rejectedor maybe didn't want or ate
very little of, maybe to shutthem down out of your own
(05:20):
frustration or anger about themasking for food after you just
provided it and they didn't wantto eat it.
And so I want you to just seesome other possible scenarios
that may be going on here inorder to help your child feel
assured that they are allowed toeat and that food isn't off
limits, and that sometimes therecan be things going on that may
(05:41):
make it harder for them to eatwhen food is presented, and so
that's what I want to talk abouttoday and just give you some
things to consider.
I want to talk to you three mainthings that may be going on if
your child is asking for a snackor asking for food, or telling
you they're hungry soon afteryou have provided a meal or an
(06:01):
eating opportunity for them.
So first thing here that I wantyou to consider is is your meal
time feeling safe for yourchild?
So really, any source ofanxiety or stress that may be
coming up around meals or mealtimes can actually cause your
child's appetite to be shut down.
It may actually cause them tophysiologically lose their
(06:24):
desire to eat.
So if you think about thestress response in our bodies,
our body is reacting to forms ofstress and that can cause
physiological reactions in ourin our body.
And for kids who are movinginto a flight or fight state
because of stress or anxietyinducing surrounding, that can
(06:45):
cause appetite suppression,where their body is actually
releasing hormones in their bodythat are causing their appetite
to be suppressed, where theymay not actually want to eat,
even if they were expressinghunger earlier, or you know that
they haven't eaten a lot in theearlier part of the day and
that they likely are hungry.
If there's a lot of thingshappening in the environment or
(07:07):
around the meals or, let's say,something stress inducing just
happened prior to the meal andnow your child's coming and
sitting down, they may not havea desire to eat and there's a
lot of different things that wewant to think about in terms of
troubleshooting, but often whatI see is sometimes meal times in
itself can be stressful for achild if there's pressure for
(07:28):
that child to eat, or if thechild doesn't feel like there
are enough access to safe oraccepted foods, or if meal times
tend to be a source of conflict.
So this can happeninadvertently, like
unintentionally.
If, let's say, you tend to getdrawn into a power struggle with
your child, that can inducestress in your child's body
(07:52):
which again puts them in thatflight or fight state which can
make it harder for them to tuneinto their appetite or have a
desire to eat.
It's just like if you thinkabout how your body may respond
under high stress or highanxiety.
It's common to lose that senseof appetite or lose touch with
your body's hunger when that'spresent.
(08:13):
And the same thing happens forour kids.
And what we want to examine isare there potential sources of
stress occurring around the mealtime itself that we can help
troubleshoot or potentiallydecrease so that our child can
eliminate that source of stressin their own body?
And this is not to say that weshould expect meal times to
(08:35):
always be this gloriousexperience where there's never
any stress, and unfortunatelythat's not just feasible.
As being humans, as being family, sometimes we're running in the
door at the end of the day andyour kid has 10 minutes to eat
before you head to practice, andjust the hurried nature of
their routine or their schedulein itself can be very stress
(08:55):
inducing, and I know it's notalways possible to eliminate all
the sources of stress.
However, when we're thinkingabout the big picture and we're
thinking about creating positiveassociations around food and
around eating experiences forour kids, we want to think are
there things or interactionsthat are happening around meal
times or that I'm engaging inwith my child that may
(09:16):
potentially be stressful ortriggering anxiety for them?
Because often what happens iswhen that child, let's say,
leaves that stressful situationor stressful for them and the
anxiety in their environmentgoes down, the anxiety in their
body is now going to decreaseand they may register that
they're hungry again.
(09:36):
So this is why you know if youhave a child who is not showing
a lot of interest in eating butthen leaves the table and
notices now, oh, I'm hungry, orthey go play for a little bit
and then they realize, oh, I'mhungry.
I want to eat, I'm hungry.
That is likely.
Something that could behappening is that the table or
the eating environment may befeeling stressful and in some
capacity and during the mealtimeenvironment that is being
(09:59):
reflected in how they're feelingin their body.
That's triggering or inducingthat stress response in their
body which is blunting theirappetite.
And as soon as they're removedfrom that situation and engaging
in an activity they enjoy,let's say play, that helps
decrease that stress responseand then their appetite will
resurface again.
So this is something that'sreally common and again, we want
(10:22):
to think about any sources ofanxiety or stress at mealtimes
that can be happening in orderto help decrease those
situations so that we cansupport our kids in being able
to tune in to their appetite asthey're coming to the table.
And just remember too that ifyour child is feeling stress or
any stressed induced stateduring a mealtime, after they
(10:44):
leave the table and that stressresponse decreases, we often see
that kids realize that they'rehungry again and they often
gravitate toward eatingsomething safe, which for many
kids corresponds to a snack or apackaged snack of some sort.
And this is where it can bereally stressful for parents.
When you took the time to putthis meal together and your
child didn't want any of it.
(11:04):
And now they're coming back andsaying I want this, and it
tends to be packaged snacks ofsorts, and that can be really
hard for a parent to grapplewith and again, that can trigger
frustration, anger, all thethings.
And so I want you to thinkabout what is your environment
looking like?
Are there things going on inyour eating environment that can
(11:25):
be potentially stressful oranxiety provoking for your child
?
And it's really key to look atthe situation through your
child's eyes.
And we want to think again bigpicture, about focusing on
keeping mealtime safe for yourchild in order to create a
supportive eating environmentthat allows them to tune in to
their body as best as possible,and we don't want to create some
(11:47):
unrealistic expectations here.
That's not the goal at all.
But a key thing to think aboutis is your child feeling
pressured to eat?
And remember that pressure toeat can be very subtle.
Often when we think aboutpressuring a child to eat, we
think about forcing a child totry a bite.
But remember, pressuring achild to eat can look very
subtle.
It can look like encouragement,it can look like bribing, it
(12:08):
can look like praise if a childis trying something that they
might not normally try.
It can look like using healthinformation or weaponizing
health information as a way toget your child to try or eat
something that's on the table.
All of these things can beviewed as pressure in a child,
and remember that pressure canfeel like anxiety or stress
(12:29):
coming up for them, and so a keyway that we can keep the
environment supportive is bytruly honoring their body
autonomy and refraining frompressuring them to eat, whether
certain foods or quantity offoods.
Another thing here is we want tothink about keeping the
conversation away from the fooditself, so it's very easy to
(12:50):
make meals be about the food.
Right, it's like we're eatingand so let's have a conversation
about the food we're eating,and sometimes we're drawn into
that because that feels like away to get our kids to eat, and
we want to remember that Food isso much more about food.
Eating together is aboutconnection.
It's about facilitating thatconnection and enjoyment, and if
(13:11):
we're constantly harping on thefood itself or only focusing on
the food, that can also feellike pressure to a child, and I
often tell parents and encourageparents when you're having a
meal.
Try to talk about anything oreverything but the food itself.
Talk about things that yourchild is interested in.
Try to engage in a conversationthat is meaningful to your
(13:31):
child and that allows you toconnect with them in a
meaningful way, in order to takethe focus away from what
they're eating or how they'reeating, and it really does
infuse an element of enjoymentand relaxation at the table.
This is just a little funnyexample, but my seven year old
son is obsessed with Zelda, thevideo game right now.
(13:53):
I mean obsessed.
The kid loves it and could playit all day, every day, if I let
him, and I will tell you that,as his mom, I could care less
about this video game.
I really don't understand itand it doesn't make a whole lot
of sense to me.
However, in effort to connectto my son, I will often try to
ask him questions about it, andit's one of the few topics that
(14:15):
he will engage in, and he lovesto talk about it, and he's also
very easily distracted and tendsto move around a lot at meal
times and has a hard timesitting at the table, and so
talking about something is agentle way of engaging with him
that does help him to be morepresent and does diffuse any
sources of anxiety that may becoming up, and so this is
(14:37):
something I want you to thinkabout and just encourage you
with too.
It can be really hard to engagewith our kids, especially about
things that they're interestedin, whether it's a video game or
a movie or a craft or somethingthat they're really into.
I know it's not easy, andespecially at the end of the day
when your capacity is verydepleted because of everything
that you've been doing, that canfeel like another chore.
(14:57):
But I just want to encourageyou to think about the
connection that you're formingwith your child and just
remembering that that is theintention of the meal.
The intention of a meal is notabout trying to get your child
to eat certain bites of veggiesor certain quantities of food,
but really just to reconnectafter the day, whatever that
might look like, and this issomething that can really help
(15:20):
diffuse any sense of pressure orstress that can come up for
kids at meal times.
So something just to thinkabout.
We also want to think aboutavoiding any potential topics of
discussion at meal times thatare high conflict.
So sometimes, because bydefault, meal times are a time
that we're reconnecting as afamily.
(15:41):
That might be the only timethat you feel like you have to
talk to your partner or to talkto your kids about things that
are going on, and I do just wantyou to consider and just have
some discernment around thetopics that you are bringing up
at family meals.
We want to think about is therea high conflict topic here that
(16:01):
may be better reserved outsideof meal times?
Because, as much as possible,we want to facilitate that
positive connection.
We want to facilitate yourchild being able to build
positive associations aroundeating, and if they know that
when they come to meal times,like, oh, we're about to get
this lecture from our parents orwe're going to talk about this
(16:21):
incident that happened, that wasreally hard and painful,
whatever it might be, we want tounderstand that those high
conflict topics can be a sourceof stress for our kids, and this
can also help us be mindful ofhow we're engaging with other
people who are at our table too.
So if you have a family memberthat you tend to engage in hot
topics or hot discussions with,or if there's conflict or
(16:43):
raising voices at the table Iknow that these things are not
always easy to address.
We just again want to look atit through our child's eyes, and
if there's a lot of conflicthappening around the meal time
itself, your child is likelypicking up on that.
Our kids are highly attuned toour emotional state and they're
picking up on how we're feeling,and even if we're not directly
(17:04):
talking about something that'scontentious, if they notice that
we're feeling stressed or angryor upset, they will pick up on
that too.
So this is something to thinkabout in both our verbal
conversations but alsonon-verbal cues.
Maybe you are coming home aftera really difficult day at work,
or you just got off the phonewith a difficult conversation
(17:24):
with a family member, or youjust got some bad news.
It can be hard to sit at thetable and be present with your
child, and I'm not suggestingthat we just put on this facade
or a fake image of where we'rereally at.
We just want to consider is themeal time the best place to
share those things or to invokethose emotions?
And perhaps that we can look atmeal times as a place to keep
(17:46):
as safe as possible for our kidsand reserve other times in our
day to have family discussionsthat may be more difficult or
reserve different times forthose conversations that may
bring up conflict or that may bemore difficult to work through
together as a family.
So something again just toconsider when you're thinking
about your meal time and yourmeal time environment, and if
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you have a child who'sfrequently avoiding eating at
meal times but then as soon asmeal time is finished and
wrapped up and they're comingand asking for snack or telling
you that they're hungry, thismay be something to look at a
little more closely.
Another thing to consider hereis is there something related to
the food itself?
So if your child is frequentlyasking for a specific food after
(18:33):
you've provided dinner oryou've provided a meal and
you've cleaned it up, and yourchild's coming to you and saying
I want chips or I want cookiesor I want a snack, and if by
snack they're referring to aspecific category of foods, that
tends to be those packaged,processed snack foods like, I'm
thinking, goldfish, crackers,chips, right, anything in a
(18:53):
crinkly package.
Sometimes when kids are sayingsnack, they're referring to
those types of foods.
So if your child is asking fora snack shortly after a meal,
this may be because they arewanting a specific type of food
that they associate as a snack,like the crackers or the chips
or the cookies, and kids maygravitate towards snack type
(19:16):
foods if there wasn't somethingat the meal that they felt
comfortable eating.
So in this case and this is whywe want to just be observant of
what our child is doing, whatthey're asking for, their
behaviors around food Again, ifyou're noticing that your child
is asking for a snack or aspecific type of food shortly
after a meal, it may be thatthey need to see those types of
(19:39):
foods more frequently, and orthey may need other foods that
help them feel more comfortableat eating times.
So if your child associates asnack with those snack foods
that we've talked about, theymay need to see those more
frequently.
And this is the same type ofstrategy and principle that we
talk about with sweets.
(20:00):
Oftentimes, kids are asking forsweets or showing a high
interest in sweets.
If they're not seeing themfrequently enough, or if sweets
are only held for certain timesor special occasions, or kids
are only allowed to have a sweetafter dinner, we see similar
types of patterns where they'reshowing a high interest in those
foods because they're notaccessible at other times, and
(20:21):
so, in order to create an equalplaying field for all foods, we
want to think about snack typeof foods in the same way.
Oftentimes we reserve thesetypes of packaged snack foods
for quote snack time, so like ifwe're going to the park and
having a snack there, sure I'llpull out the applesauce pouch or
the goldfish or the granolabars, and then kids never see
(20:41):
those foods at other eatingtimes.
And again, that can beingrained food rules that we
have in our own head.
That like no, why would I offermy child goldfish at dinner or
at breakfast?
But if your child is having orshowing a high interest in these
snack type foods or is askingfor them frequently or is asking
for them right after a meal,this can be an indicator that
(21:03):
they need to see those foodsmore frequently.
And I know it can feel socounterintuitive to integrate
them at other eating times,especially when you have other
food available.
But I also want you to considerthat when your child sees these
foods that they're gravitatingtowards, it does actually help
them feel safer at meal times.
Which goes back to our originalpoint here is that we want our
kids to feel safe and when kidssee foods that they easily
(21:26):
identify and that they love andthat are easy for them to eat.
It does help them feel morerelaxed and comfortable at
eating times in general.
So this is something else toconsider.
If you suspect that this may bethe case, consider offering
these snack foods that yourchild is gravitating toward more
frequently within the contextof your child's meals and snacks
(21:47):
.
So maybe allowing thosefavorite foods whether it's
chips or goldfish or theapplesauce pouch, whatever it is
allowing them or plugging themin at other times strategically
to help your child understandthat these foods are part of
your future and not something toobsess about or reserve for a
special time.
That does help also preservetheir intuitive eating abilities
(22:11):
, as we are creating that equalplaying field for all foods.
So this is something else toconsider, especially if you
notice a pattern around the typeof food that your child is
asking for and what do they meanwhen they're asking for snack.
That's something that comes upreally frequently when kids or
parents are saying my childkeeps asking for a snack.
(22:31):
Well, what do you think yourchild is asking for when they're
asking for a snack, and arethere ways that we can plug in
those foods at other eatingtimes so that your child feels
safe and assured that thosefoods are available to you.
So something else to thinkabout.
Last point here is to justconsider your approach to
feeding your child in general.
(22:52):
Sometimes, when there is notreliable or predictable access
to food and regular eating timesthroughout the day, that can
sometimes create anxiety or justthis need to seek out food more
frequently, and especiallyduring the summer months when
there's less structure generallyfor kids and more of a
likelihood that kids have lessto do.
(23:14):
They might be more bored.
They might be seeking outthings to do.
It's easy to forget about thefrequency at which our kids need
to see foods and I actually dida whole podcast episode about
this in terms of how to adjusthow we feed our kids during the
summer or when schedules are off, and so I will put a link to
that in the show notes for youif you're interested in
(23:35):
listening to more about this.
But sometimes when snacks orwhen a child has no clear
understanding about when food isgoing to be available next, it
will cause them to want to seekit out themselves because they
have no real assurance that foodis coming next, or when food is
coming next or when their nexteating time will happen, and so
(23:55):
this is why we want to be asintentional as possible as
offering our child regulareating times throughout the day,
so that includes frequent mealsand snacks, and I know this can
be really challenging.
It can feel like a full-timejob literally in itself, feeding
your kids, because it is.
It takes a lot of mental energyto do this, and I know it's
(24:15):
hard and it's really challenging.
It can also be an invitation toyou as a parent to check in
more regularly with yourself too, because often we neglect
ourselves as part of thisequation and we think I'm good,
I can make it through my daywith three meals, and I will
tell you that more often thannot, I see that the moms that I
work with are constantly in thisunder-eating mode, and it's so
(24:38):
easy to prioritize your kids andwhat they need and push
yourself on the backburner andmama, that's not sustainable
either, and so when I'mdescribing these ideas of
feeding your kids morefrequently, I am definitely
thinking about you as part ofthis equation, too, to think
about.
Have we checked in with ourbodies?
Have we fed ourselves regularly?
(24:58):
Are we eating every two tothree hours and making sure that
if we're going somewhere forany length of time, we're
thinking about the food thatwe're bringing or making sure
that we have enough to eat, andthis is a big task.
I really do understand that as amom myself, and I just want to
encourage you that as along-term strategy, when you get
into this rhythm and again Isay rhythm because I don't
(25:20):
believe that it should be rigidor it's something that is like
hard ingrained rules we're onlyeating at this time and so such
and such it's not like that atall.
But when we are in thisflexible rhythm of eating
frequently and prioritizing thatas a form of care for ourselves
and our children, thatnaturally helps our children
(25:40):
relax around, knowing that foodis coming frequently, and that
can also create just an inbuiltbuffer.
So let's say that your child,for whatever reason, wasn't
interested in eating dinner.
Maybe they were distracted,maybe there was a lot going on,
maybe there wasn't a lot of time, and you know in your head okay
, I'm going to offer one moresnack before we head to bed
(26:01):
tonight.
And if your child's coming toyou right after dinner and
saying I'm hungry, I really wantto eat, I didn't eat any dinner
, then when you know that youhave this built-in rhythm around
frequent eating timesthroughout the day, it becomes
easy to defer to that nexteating time where you can
acknowledge and say I'm so sorry, we're just cleaning up dinner,
we're about to have a snackright after we do X activity.
(26:24):
And helping our kids see thatand understand that really
creates this inbuilt reliabilityaround food, which is hugely
important to helping them relaxand decreasing any anxiety that
may be coming up for them aboutwhat am I going to eat.
What am I going to eat.
It's showing some leadershipwith food which again just helps
our kids be able to flex theirintuitive eating abilities.
(26:46):
When our kids don't have toworry about when am I eating
next or what's coming, it reallydoes allow them to relax in
their own bodies and that'sreally important, again, to
preserving their body'sintuitive eating abilities.
So something to think about,and kids can be the ones to be
asking for snacks or be askingwhen they're going to eat if
that reliability is not therefor them or if food doesn't feel
(27:09):
predictable for them.
So something for you toconsider as well.
I hope this was helpful.
Again, I know every situationis super nuanced and individual.
If you have any follow-upquestions about this, I would
love to hear from you.
You can connect with me athello at crystalcargiscom.
That email address is in theshow notes for you, as well as
(27:31):
any other questions or topicsuggestions.
If you have any topics that youwould like me to address
anonymously on the podcast, Iwould love to hear from you,
mama, so feel free to connectwith me.
I will also put in the shownotes a link to my free snack
guide.
So if you are struggling withsnacks which I know can be
stressful for many reasons andtrying to figure out a more
(27:51):
streamlined way to put thesetogether for your family, make
sure you snag that free guide.
Again, the link will be in theshow notes for you, and I can't
say thank you enough for beingpart of this community, for
tuning in regularly to thispodcast and for being here.
I just want to say thank you,and if you have found this
podcast helpful, I would soappreciate if you could rate or
review the podcast.
(28:11):
That helps other parents beable to find it as well.
So, sending you so much loveand thank you again.
Can't wait to connect next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystal Cargass.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey Mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand I hope that you and your
(00:42):
family are enjoying your summer.
Today I am tackling anothergreat question, and I have
gotten this question in manydifferent forms, and so I'm not
going to read a specificquestion per se, but just talk
about a scenario in general.
I want to paint this picturefor you first, because there's a
good chance that, if you are aparent feeding kids, that you
(01:04):
have encountered this in someshape or form.
I want you to imagine it's theend of a long day.
You're trying to figure outwhat to put together to feed
your family.
You gather your ingredients,you do the work to put it
together and put it on the tableand have your family come
together.
That in itself is a huge feat,right?
And your child doesn't seem towant to eat or seem interested
(01:27):
in the meal at all.
And you, doing the great workthat you're doing and trying to
support your child in honoringtheir intuitive eating abilities
, are doing your best to notpressure them to eat or take a
bite or try anything that theydon't want to.
You're trying your best tohonor their autonomy and support
them in learning to listen totheir bodies.
And the meal goes on.
(01:48):
You notice your child reallyhasn't eaten a whole lot.
You now go through the motionsand the routine of having to
clean up the meal that you'vejust prepared for your family
and starting to transition intobedtime routines, only to be met
with your child telling you Mom, I'm hungry, I want to snack,
(02:08):
minutes after you have justfinished dinner.
What do you do?
This is such a challengingsituation and it can definitely
be frustrating and eventriggering.
I've had a lot of moms who'veexpressed to me that I feel
really triggered when I've gonethrough the trouble and put in
all this work to feed my familyand to make a meal for my family
(02:30):
, only to be met with my childrefusing to eat or maybe eating
very little or showing littleinterest and engaging in the
meal or eating at all, and thento ask for a snack quickly or
soon after the meal is done.
This can bring up a lot offeelings and if this is
something that you've beenthrough, I want you to know that
you're not alone.
(02:50):
This can come up and I want to,today, just talk to you a couple
reasons why this can behappening and how you can
potentially troubleshoot this ifthis seems to be a reoccurring
issue in your home, and alsojust to hold space for how
frustrating it can be and toknow to you that often, when
we're feeling triggered bysomething like this, just to
(03:11):
remember you know, we want totry to separate our own feelings
and our experiences from ourchild, because it's easy to
project our frustration, ouranger, the things that are
coming up for us onto our kids,and oftentimes our child's
refusal to eat or maybe refuseto eat the things that we have
gone out of our way to preparefor them and thoughtfully put
(03:33):
together for them can sometimesfeel like a direct rejection of
ourselves, and it can often putyou in a position, as a parent,
where you feel like I'm notseeing.
The invisible labor of what Ido to take care of my family
goes unnoticed.
And I just want to remind you,as triggering as it can feel,
remember that it's not yourchild's fault and this is
(03:54):
something key to remember to youand it's not our child's job to
eat, to give us any sort ofvalidation, and oftentimes we
look subconsciously, are lookingto our kids to validate the
needs that we have as parentsand as humans who are parenting
and who are often parenting inthe trenches, without any sense
(04:15):
of encouragement or support, oroften feel isolated or alone or
that the work that we're doingis more often than not going
unrecognized.
And so I just want to encourageyou in understanding that if
you're feeling triggered, thisisn't your fault.
It isn't something that you'redoing wrong.
As a parent, it's very normal tohave these feelings if they're
coming up for you, and rememberthat practicing awareness of
(04:37):
what's coming up for you isalways a first and powerful step
to examining what's sittingthere and to learn how to better
support yourself through thesesituations.
So I just wanted to start therebefore we jump into potentially
troubleshooting what might begoing on, but this can be a
really tough situation.
As you can see, it's definitelylayered, and as a parent, it
(04:57):
can be helpful to just rememberthe big picture goals here that
we want our children to buildpositive associations around
food and with eating, and adefault reaction to your child's
request for snack or for foodsoon after you have provided a
meal for them that they rejectedor maybe didn't want or ate
very little of, maybe to shutthem down out of your own
(05:20):
frustration or anger about themasking for food after you just
provided it and they didn't wantto eat it.
And so I want you to just seesome other possible scenarios
that may be going on here inorder to help your child feel
assured that they are allowed toeat and that food isn't off
limits, and that sometimes therecan be things going on that may
(05:41):
make it harder for them to eatwhen food is presented, and so
that's what I want to talk abouttoday and just give you some
things to consider.
I want to talk to you three mainthings that may be going on if
your child is asking for a snackor asking for food, or telling
you they're hungry soon afteryou have provided a meal or an
(06:01):
eating opportunity for them.
So first thing here that I wantyou to consider is is your meal
time feeling safe for yourchild?
So really, any source ofanxiety or stress that may be
coming up around meals or mealtimes can actually cause your
child's appetite to be shut down.
It may actually cause them tophysiologically lose their
(06:24):
desire to eat.
So if you think about thestress response in our bodies,
our body is reacting to forms ofstress and that can cause
physiological reactions in ourin our body.
And for kids who are movinginto a flight or fight state
because of stress or anxietyinducing surrounding, that can
(06:45):
cause appetite suppression,where their body is actually
releasing hormones in their bodythat are causing their appetite
to be suppressed, where theymay not actually want to eat,
even if they were expressinghunger earlier, or you know that
they haven't eaten a lot in theearlier part of the day and
that they likely are hungry.
If there's a lot of thingshappening in the environment or
(07:07):
around the meals or, let's say,something stress inducing just
happened prior to the meal andnow your child's coming and
sitting down, they may not havea desire to eat and there's a
lot of different things that wewant to think about in terms of
troubleshooting, but often whatI see is sometimes meal times in
itself can be stressful for achild if there's pressure for
(07:28):
that child to eat, or if thechild doesn't feel like there
are enough access to safe oraccepted foods, or if meal times
tend to be a source of conflict.
So this can happeninadvertently, like
unintentionally.
If, let's say, you tend to getdrawn into a power struggle with
your child, that can inducestress in your child's body
(07:52):
which again puts them in thatflight or fight state which can
make it harder for them to tuneinto their appetite or have a
desire to eat.
It's just like if you thinkabout how your body may respond
under high stress or highanxiety.
It's common to lose that senseof appetite or lose touch with
your body's hunger when that'spresent.
(08:13):
And the same thing happens forour kids.
And what we want to examine isare there potential sources of
stress occurring around the mealtime itself that we can help
troubleshoot or potentiallydecrease so that our child can
eliminate that source of stressin their own body?
And this is not to say that weshould expect meal times to
(08:35):
always be this gloriousexperience where there's never
any stress, and unfortunatelythat's not just feasible.
As being humans, as being family, sometimes we're running in the
door at the end of the day andyour kid has 10 minutes to eat
before you head to practice, andjust the hurried nature of
their routine or their schedulein itself can be very stress
(08:55):
inducing, and I know it's notalways possible to eliminate all
the sources of stress.
However, when we're thinkingabout the big picture and we're
thinking about creating positiveassociations around food and
around eating experiences forour kids, we want to think are
there things or interactionsthat are happening around meal
times or that I'm engaging inwith my child that may
(09:16):
potentially be stressful ortriggering anxiety for them?
Because often what happens iswhen that child, let's say,
leaves that stressful situationor stressful for them and the
anxiety in their environmentgoes down, the anxiety in their
body is now going to decreaseand they may register that
they're hungry again.
(09:36):
So this is why you know if youhave a child who is not showing
a lot of interest in eating butthen leaves the table and
notices now, oh, I'm hungry, orthey go play for a little bit
and then they realize, oh, I'mhungry.
I want to eat, I'm hungry.
That is likely.
Something that could behappening is that the table or
the eating environment may befeeling stressful and in some
capacity and during the mealtimeenvironment that is being
(09:59):
reflected in how they're feelingin their body.
That's triggering or inducingthat stress response in their
body which is blunting theirappetite.
And as soon as they're removedfrom that situation and engaging
in an activity they enjoy,let's say play, that helps
decrease that stress responseand then their appetite will
resurface again.
So this is something that'sreally common and again, we want
(10:22):
to think about any sources ofanxiety or stress at mealtimes
that can be happening in orderto help decrease those
situations so that we cansupport our kids in being able
to tune in to their appetite asthey're coming to the table.
And just remember too that ifyour child is feeling stress or
any stressed induced stateduring a mealtime, after they
(10:44):
leave the table and that stressresponse decreases, we often see
that kids realize that they'rehungry again and they often
gravitate toward eatingsomething safe, which for many
kids corresponds to a snack or apackaged snack of some sort.
And this is where it can bereally stressful for parents.
When you took the time to putthis meal together and your
child didn't want any of it.
(11:04):
And now they're coming back andsaying I want this, and it
tends to be packaged snacks ofsorts, and that can be really
hard for a parent to grapplewith and again, that can trigger
frustration, anger, all thethings.
And so I want you to thinkabout what is your environment
looking like?
Are there things going on inyour eating environment that can
(11:25):
be potentially stressful oranxiety provoking for your child
?
And it's really key to look atthe situation through your
child's eyes.
And we want to think again bigpicture, about focusing on
keeping mealtime safe for yourchild in order to create a
supportive eating environmentthat allows them to tune in to
their body as best as possible,and we don't want to create some
(11:47):
unrealistic expectations here.
That's not the goal at all.
But a key thing to think aboutis is your child feeling
pressured to eat?
And remember that pressure toeat can be very subtle.
Often when we think aboutpressuring a child to eat, we
think about forcing a child totry a bite.
But remember, pressuring achild to eat can look very
subtle.
It can look like encouragement,it can look like bribing, it
(12:08):
can look like praise if a childis trying something that they
might not normally try.
It can look like using healthinformation or weaponizing
health information as a way toget your child to try or eat
something that's on the table.
All of these things can beviewed as pressure in a child,
and remember that pressure canfeel like anxiety or stress
(12:29):
coming up for them, and so a keyway that we can keep the
environment supportive is bytruly honoring their body
autonomy and refraining frompressuring them to eat, whether
certain foods or quantity offoods.
Another thing here is we want tothink about keeping the
conversation away from the fooditself, so it's very easy to
(12:50):
make meals be about the food.
Right, it's like we're eatingand so let's have a conversation
about the food we're eating,and sometimes we're drawn into
that because that feels like away to get our kids to eat, and
we want to remember that Food isso much more about food.
Eating together is aboutconnection.
It's about facilitating thatconnection and enjoyment, and if
(13:11):
we're constantly harping on thefood itself or only focusing on
the food, that can also feellike pressure to a child, and I
often tell parents and encourageparents when you're having a
meal.
Try to talk about anything oreverything but the food itself.
Talk about things that yourchild is interested in.
Try to engage in a conversationthat is meaningful to your
(13:31):
child and that allows you toconnect with them in a
meaningful way, in order to takethe focus away from what
they're eating or how they'reeating, and it really does
infuse an element of enjoymentand relaxation at the table.
This is just a little funnyexample, but my seven year old
son is obsessed with Zelda, thevideo game right now.
(13:53):
I mean obsessed.
The kid loves it and could playit all day, every day, if I let
him, and I will tell you that,as his mom, I could care less
about this video game.
I really don't understand itand it doesn't make a whole lot
of sense to me.
However, in effort to connectto my son, I will often try to
ask him questions about it, andit's one of the few topics that
(14:15):
he will engage in, and he lovesto talk about it, and he's also
very easily distracted and tendsto move around a lot at meal
times and has a hard timesitting at the table, and so
talking about something is agentle way of engaging with him
that does help him to be morepresent and does diffuse any
sources of anxiety that may becoming up, and so this is
(14:37):
something I want you to thinkabout and just encourage you
with too.
It can be really hard to engagewith our kids, especially about
things that they're interestedin, whether it's a video game or
a movie or a craft or somethingthat they're really into.
I know it's not easy, andespecially at the end of the day
when your capacity is verydepleted because of everything
that you've been doing, that canfeel like another chore.
(14:57):
But I just want to encourageyou to think about the
connection that you're formingwith your child and just
remembering that that is theintention of the meal.
The intention of a meal is notabout trying to get your child
to eat certain bites of veggiesor certain quantities of food,
but really just to reconnectafter the day, whatever that
might look like, and this issomething that can really help
(15:20):
diffuse any sense of pressure orstress that can come up for
kids at meal times.
So something just to thinkabout.
We also want to think aboutavoiding any potential topics of
discussion at meal times thatare high conflict.
So sometimes, because bydefault, meal times are a time
that we're reconnecting as afamily.
(15:41):
That might be the only timethat you feel like you have to
talk to your partner or to talkto your kids about things that
are going on, and I do just wantyou to consider and just have
some discernment around thetopics that you are bringing up
at family meals.
We want to think about is therea high conflict topic here that
(16:01):
may be better reserved outsideof meal times?
Because, as much as possible,we want to facilitate that
positive connection.
We want to facilitate yourchild being able to build
positive associations aroundeating, and if they know that
when they come to meal times,like, oh, we're about to get
this lecture from our parents orwe're going to talk about this
(16:21):
incident that happened, that wasreally hard and painful,
whatever it might be, we want tounderstand that those high
conflict topics can be a sourceof stress for our kids, and this
can also help us be mindful ofhow we're engaging with other
people who are at our table too.
So if you have a family memberthat you tend to engage in hot
topics or hot discussions with,or if there's conflict or
(16:43):
raising voices at the table Iknow that these things are not
always easy to address.
We just again want to look atit through our child's eyes, and
if there's a lot of conflicthappening around the meal time
itself, your child is likelypicking up on that.
Our kids are highly attuned toour emotional state and they're
picking up on how we're feeling,and even if we're not directly
(17:04):
talking about something that'scontentious, if they notice that
we're feeling stressed or angryor upset, they will pick up on
that too.
So this is something to thinkabout in both our verbal
conversations but alsonon-verbal cues.
Maybe you are coming home aftera really difficult day at work,
or you just got off the phonewith a difficult conversation
(17:24):
with a family member, or youjust got some bad news.
It can be hard to sit at thetable and be present with your
child, and I'm not suggestingthat we just put on this facade
or a fake image of where we'rereally at.
We just want to consider is themeal time the best place to
share those things or to invokethose emotions?
And perhaps that we can look atmeal times as a place to keep
(17:46):
as safe as possible for our kidsand reserve other times in our
day to have family discussionsthat may be more difficult or
reserve different times forthose conversations that may
bring up conflict or that may bemore difficult to work through
together as a family.
So something again just toconsider when you're thinking
about your meal time and yourmeal time environment, and if
(18:10):
you have a child who'sfrequently avoiding eating at
meal times but then as soon asmeal time is finished and
wrapped up and they're comingand asking for snack or telling
you that they're hungry, thismay be something to look at a
little more closely.
Another thing to consider hereis is there something related to
the food itself?
So if your child is frequentlyasking for a specific food after
(18:33):
you've provided dinner oryou've provided a meal and
you've cleaned it up, and yourchild's coming to you and saying
I want chips or I want cookiesor I want a snack, and if by
snack they're referring to aspecific category of foods, that
tends to be those packaged,processed snack foods like, I'm
thinking, goldfish, crackers,chips, right, anything in a
(18:53):
crinkly package.
Sometimes when kids are sayingsnack, they're referring to
those types of foods.
So if your child is asking fora snack shortly after a meal,
this may be because they arewanting a specific type of food
that they associate as a snack,like the crackers or the chips
or the cookies, and kids maygravitate towards snack type
(19:16):
foods if there wasn't somethingat the meal that they felt
comfortable eating.
So in this case and this is whywe want to just be observant of
what our child is doing, whatthey're asking for, their
behaviors around food Again, ifyou're noticing that your child
is asking for a snack or aspecific type of food shortly
after a meal, it may be thatthey need to see those types of
(19:39):
foods more frequently, and orthey may need other foods that
help them feel more comfortableat eating times.
So if your child associates asnack with those snack foods
that we've talked about, theymay need to see those more
frequently.
And this is the same type ofstrategy and principle that we
talk about with sweets.
(20:00):
Oftentimes, kids are asking forsweets or showing a high
interest in sweets.
If they're not seeing themfrequently enough, or if sweets
are only held for certain timesor special occasions, or kids
are only allowed to have a sweetafter dinner, we see similar
types of patterns where they'reshowing a high interest in those
foods because they're notaccessible at other times, and
(20:21):
so, in order to create an equalplaying field for all foods, we
want to think about snack typeof foods in the same way.
Oftentimes we reserve thesetypes of packaged snack foods
for quote snack time, so like ifwe're going to the park and
having a snack there, sure I'llpull out the applesauce pouch or
the goldfish or the granolabars, and then kids never see
(20:41):
those foods at other eatingtimes.
And again, that can beingrained food rules that we
have in our own head.
That like no, why would I offermy child goldfish at dinner or
at breakfast?
But if your child is having orshowing a high interest in these
snack type foods or is askingfor them frequently or is asking
for them right after a meal,this can be an indicator that
(21:03):
they need to see those foodsmore frequently.
And I know it can feel socounterintuitive to integrate
them at other eating times,especially when you have other
food available.
But I also want you to considerthat when your child sees these
foods that they're gravitatingtowards, it does actually help
them feel safer at meal times.
Which goes back to our originalpoint here is that we want our
kids to feel safe and when kidssee foods that they easily
(21:26):
identify and that they love andthat are easy for them to eat.
It does help them feel morerelaxed and comfortable at
eating times in general.
So this is something else toconsider.
If you suspect that this may bethe case, consider offering
these snack foods that yourchild is gravitating toward more
frequently within the contextof your child's meals and snacks
(21:47):
.
So maybe allowing thosefavorite foods whether it's
chips or goldfish or theapplesauce pouch, whatever it is
allowing them or plugging themin at other times strategically
to help your child understandthat these foods are part of
your future and not something toobsess about or reserve for a
special time.
That does help also preservetheir intuitive eating abilities
(22:11):
, as we are creating that equalplaying field for all foods.
So this is something else toconsider, especially if you
notice a pattern around the typeof food that your child is
asking for and what do they meanwhen they're asking for snack.
That's something that comes upreally frequently when kids or
parents are saying my childkeeps asking for a snack.
(22:31):
Well, what do you think yourchild is asking for when they're
asking for a snack, and arethere ways that we can plug in
those foods at other eatingtimes so that your child feels
safe and assured that thosefoods are available to you.
So something else to thinkabout.
Last point here is to justconsider your approach to
feeding your child in general.
(22:52):
Sometimes, when there is notreliable or predictable access
to food and regular eating timesthroughout the day, that can
sometimes create anxiety or justthis need to seek out food more
frequently, and especiallyduring the summer months when
there's less structure generallyfor kids and more of a
likelihood that kids have lessto do.
(23:14):
They might be more bored.
They might be seeking outthings to do.
It's easy to forget about thefrequency at which our kids need
to see foods and I actually dida whole podcast episode about
this in terms of how to adjusthow we feed our kids during the
summer or when schedules are off, and so I will put a link to
that in the show notes for youif you're interested in
(23:35):
listening to more about this.
But sometimes when snacks orwhen a child has no clear
understanding about when food isgoing to be available next, it
will cause them to want to seekit out themselves because they
have no real assurance that foodis coming next, or when food is
coming next or when their nexteating time will happen, and so
(23:55):
this is why we want to be asintentional as possible as
offering our child regulareating times throughout the day,
so that includes frequent mealsand snacks, and I know this can
be really challenging.
It can feel like a full-timejob literally in itself, feeding
your kids, because it is.
It takes a lot of mental energyto do this, and I know it's
(24:15):
hard and it's really challenging.
It can also be an invitation toyou as a parent to check in
more regularly with yourself too, because often we neglect
ourselves as part of thisequation and we think I'm good,
I can make it through my daywith three meals, and I will
tell you that more often thannot, I see that the moms that I
work with are constantly in thisunder-eating mode, and it's so
(24:38):
easy to prioritize your kids andwhat they need and push
yourself on the backburner andmama, that's not sustainable
either, and so when I'mdescribing these ideas of
feeding your kids morefrequently, I am definitely
thinking about you as part ofthis equation, too, to think
about.
Have we checked in with ourbodies?
Have we fed ourselves regularly?
(24:58):
Are we eating every two tothree hours and making sure that
if we're going somewhere forany length of time, we're
thinking about the food thatwe're bringing or making sure
that we have enough to eat, andthis is a big task.
I really do understand that as amom myself, and I just want to
encourage you that as along-term strategy, when you get
into this rhythm and again Isay rhythm because I don't
(25:20):
believe that it should be rigidor it's something that is like
hard ingrained rules we're onlyeating at this time and so such
and such it's not like that atall.
But when we are in thisflexible rhythm of eating
frequently and prioritizing thatas a form of care for ourselves
and our children, thatnaturally helps our children
(25:40):
relax around, knowing that foodis coming frequently, and that
can also create just an inbuiltbuffer.
So let's say that your child,for whatever reason, wasn't
interested in eating dinner.
Maybe they were distracted,maybe there was a lot going on,
maybe there wasn't a lot of time, and you know in your head okay
, I'm going to offer one moresnack before we head to bed
(26:01):
tonight.
And if your child's coming toyou right after dinner and
saying I'm hungry, I really wantto eat, I didn't eat any dinner
, then when you know that youhave this built-in rhythm around
frequent eating timesthroughout the day, it becomes
easy to defer to that nexteating time where you can
acknowledge and say I'm so sorry, we're just cleaning up dinner,
we're about to have a snackright after we do X activity.
(26:24):
And helping our kids see thatand understand that really
creates this inbuilt reliabilityaround food, which is hugely
important to helping them relaxand decreasing any anxiety that
may be coming up for them aboutwhat am I going to eat.
What am I going to eat.
It's showing some leadershipwith food which again just helps
our kids be able to flex theirintuitive eating abilities.
(26:46):
When our kids don't have toworry about when am I eating
next or what's coming, it reallydoes allow them to relax in
their own bodies and that'sreally important, again, to
preserving their body'sintuitive eating abilities.
So something to think about,and kids can be the ones to be
asking for snacks or be askingwhen they're going to eat if
that reliability is not therefor them or if food doesn't feel
(27:09):
predictable for them.
So something for you toconsider as well.
I hope this was helpful.
Again, I know every situationis super nuanced and individual.
If you have any follow-upquestions about this, I would
love to hear from you.
You can connect with me athello at crystalcargiscom.
That email address is in theshow notes for you, as well as
(27:31):
any other questions or topicsuggestions.
If you have any topics that youwould like me to address
anonymously on the podcast, Iwould love to hear from you,
mama, so feel free to connectwith me.
I will also put in the shownotes a link to my free snack
guide.
So if you are struggling withsnacks which I know can be
stressful for many reasons andtrying to figure out a more
(27:51):
streamlined way to put thesetogether for your family, make
sure you snag that free guide.
Again, the link will be in theshow notes for you, and I can't
say thank you enough for beingpart of this community, for
tuning in regularly to thispodcast and for being here.
I just want to say thank you,and if you have found this
podcast helpful, I would soappreciate if you could rate or
review the podcast.
(28:11):
That helps other parents beable to find it as well.
So, sending you so much loveand thank you again.
Can't wait to connect next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystal Cargass.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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