July 23, 2023 • 28 mins
Who says you can't have your cake and eat it too? As your trusted family dietitian, I'm here to debunk the myth that sweets and a healthy relationship with food can't coexist for your children. In this enlightening conversation, we delve into the critical reasons behind children's obsession with sweets and its impact on their behavior and concentration. We shed light on the difference between simple enjoyment and the unhealthy fixation with sweets, while guiding you on how to spot the signs early on.
If you feel as though you've been taking steps to normalize sweets in your home but your child still seems obsessed with sugar - this episode is for you!
Shownotes:
- [Podcast Episode]: "5 Positive Signs Your Child Has a Healthy Relationship With Sweets"
- [Sweets Audit]: Resolve Your Child's Preoccupation With Sweets With a Personalized, Done-for-you Plan!
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand appreciate you tuning in
(00:43):
with me.
Today I am answering anotherquestion from you, from a
listener, and it's actually aquestion that I do receive quite
frequently in different formsand in different ways.
So I thought it would be a goodopportunity to address this on
a podcast episode, as it may besomething that you're wondering
about as well, and we arerevisiting a topic of sweets
(01:05):
with today's question, and soI'm just going to read the
question I got and then sharesome thoughts and feedback for
you here, and this is also justa friendly reminder that you can
share and connect with me aboutany questions that you might
have or topic suggestions.
If there's something that I canhelp address for you
anonymously on the podcast, Iwould love to do so.
(01:26):
So feel free to email me overat hello at crystalcargiscom.
You can also connect with mevia Instagram, though email
usually works best, and sotoday's question reads Dear
Crystal, we regularly servedessert with meals, but my
four-year-old daughter stillseems obsessed.
I'm trying hard to keep sweetsoff the pedestal.
(01:47):
We normally offer some form ofsweets at least three days a
week and go out for ice creamevery one to two weeks, but it
never seems like enough for mydaughter.
I'm stumped and don't know whatto do.
Help, oh, mama.
Thank you so much for justtaking the time to share this,
and this is very relatable, andyou're absolutely not alone in
this.
I know that sweets can feelchaotic and overwhelming, and a
(02:10):
big piece of this is what dietculture purports that we should
do as parents around sweets, andnot to mention that diet
culture highly demonizes sweetsand sugar, and so it can feel
like a really confusing topic ora confusing food to manage in
our homes.
And I just hear your heartthrough this question you want
(02:30):
your daughter to have positiverelationship with food.
You likely want her to learnhow to self-regulate sweets and
for sweets to not be somethingthat's escalated or elevated in
her mind, and that is amazingdesires that you're holding for
her, and this is something that,again, I hear in many different
forms.
This is a common question thatcomes up, and one thing I just
(02:52):
want to plug in a quickdisclaimer here, because I
didn't have an opportunity toask you any follow-up questions
or to gather more informationabout your particular scenario.
This information is purely foreducational purposes and should
not be taken as an individualrecommendation.
So I just want to kind of walkthrough some of the common
(03:15):
reasons why I see this coming up, and this is something that I
hear, as parents are kind ofdipping their toes in the water
and wanting to normalize sweetsin their home and realize that
keeping their kids away fromsweets is not a solution or a
long-term solution to supportingtheir kids and being able to
eat sweets intuitively.
And so you might find thatyou're normalizing it.
(03:38):
You're bringing things intoyour home that you might have
not normally had.
You're being proactive aboutoffering sweets and providing
them alongside other foods thatyour child is used to eating.
However, you might feel likeyour child still seems obsessive
about having sweets, or maybesweets are the only things that
they ever want to eat, or maybethey're eating their sweets and
(03:58):
not interested in any otherfoods.
And this is where I do thinkit's important to distinguish
the difference between anobsession around sweets and just
general excitement or enjoymentof sweets.
So we want to make sure todistinguish that these are two
different things, and there'snothing inherently wrong about
being excited about eatingsweets or looking forward to
(04:20):
having sweets, or showing a lotof joy or enjoyment when you are
eating something sweet that youlove.
There's nothing wrong with that, and you may see that in your
kids and I know here in our homewe have sweets all the time.
They're definitely in therotation of foods that we
regularly eat and my kids stilllook forward to them.
(04:41):
You know they love having icecream, they love picking
different things out at thestore, and that's okay.
The goal of offering our kidssweets frequently, or
normalizing them in our home, isnot to make them less appealing
or less exciting.
The difference here is when ourchild starts to show or develop
an obsession or a preoccupationwith eating sweets.
(05:04):
This is something different.
Now this can actually affectour child's behavior in a
detrimental way.
So you might see that yourchild has difficulty
concentrating on other aspectsof their life because they're so
preoccupied with sweets, orfinding sweets or seeking them
out or eating sweets.
(05:26):
This can also influence achild's behavior in the home,
where you might notice thatmaybe your child is sneaking
sweets or eating them in secretor hoarding them or hiding them.
These are all things that canbe related to a preoccupation
with having sweets.
Another thing that we see, too,is just general anxiety or
concern or fear or worry in ourkids when sweets are not
(05:49):
available.
Or maybe you might find thatyour child has a lot of
difficulty if sweets are notavailable or if their request
for sweets is denied.
That can trigger a fall ontantrum or maybe a meltdown.
So these are things that wemight see or that could be
associated with an obsessionaround sweets.
You might also notice just anincessant questioning about
(06:12):
sweets or persistent asking forsweets.
It seems like it never stops.
Another thing as well is thatyou might find that your child
has a low threshold or lowtolerance for sweets not being
available.
So if you were to say, no,we're not going to have that or
we're not getting that.
That can really tailspin yourchild into kind of overwhelming
(06:33):
emotion that's difficult forthem to handle.
So they may have a very lowcapacity to handle sweets not
being available.
So, again, these are thingsthat we would look for to help
us distinguish.
Is my child really preoccupiedwith sweets or is this just
general excitement or enjoymentof sweets and having sweets?
And I did a podcast episode afew weeks back describing what a
(06:57):
good relationship with sweetswould look like in a child.
So if you're not sure, ifyou're wondering, does my child
have a good relationship withsweets, definitely go back and
listen to that episode.
I'll make sure that I put alink to it in the show notes for
you.
So you know, we do want to makesure that we're distinguishing
those two different things.
So let's say that you are, likethis question asked, offering
(07:17):
desserts in your home.
You're being proactive, you'repurchasing things again that you
may not have bought before.
You're really trying to beintentional about incorporating
sweets as part of your child'seating routine.
If you're doing that and you'renoticing that your child is
still showing some signs of anobsession around sweets or a
preoccupation with having sweets, then there may be some reasons
(07:43):
that are influencing that, andI just want to again talk
through some of the commonthings that I see in my practice
working with families who arenavigating this issue.
So it's important to rememberthat every family is different
and every situation is differentand every child is different.
So, again, these are justgeneral kind of broad ideas and
(08:03):
as I'm talking through them, Ijust want you to think about
could any of these be applicableto, maybe, your situation.
So one of the most commonreasons that I see kids still
showing an obsession aroundsweets, even when they're being
integrated in the home, is thatsweets are still not being
offered frequently enough.
It's like not quite at thethreshold of what a child may
(08:24):
need to feel more relaxed aboutthem, and a common reason for
this is that we tend to usunderestimate the frequency of
which our kids need to actuallysee sweets in order to again
trust that these foods are aconsistent and regular part of
their future and of their lives.
It's not just kind of like aone and done thing.
(08:46):
It really is like you want tothink about integrating sweets
just as regularly as you wouldfruit or vegetables or milk or
bread, and I know it's reallyhard to think about sweets in
that light because, again, ofhow diet culture really has just
a dichotomy with these foodsand creates a hierarchy around
(09:06):
foods where certain foods areclassified as being better or
more nutritious for you thanothers.
But again, we want to thinkabout creating an emotionally
equal playing field for allfoods for our children, so that
they can learn how toself-regulate and eat
intuitively.
And if sweets are still on apedestal for them, it's going to
be really challenging for themto be able to do that.
(09:28):
And so you want to think aboutfrequency.
Is the frequency at whichyou're currently offering sweets
enough for them?
And this is where I usuallyencourage parents to think about
offering it multiple times aday, every day and I know that
seems like a lot and I know thisis just again general
guidelines here, but if here's agood rule of thumb, if your
(09:50):
child is still showing signs ofan obsession around sweets at
the frequency that you'recurrently offering, you might
want to think about bumping itup as a starter.
So if you're offering sweetswith meals about three times a
week, that may not be enough.
And so you want to think aboutdo I need to bump it up more
frequently again in order tohelp my child trust that these
(10:10):
foods are a regular part oftheir eating routine and so that
might need to look like a dailything.
And I always recommend to you tonot become rigid about when you
offer sweets.
You know, sometimes it's like Ijust want to offer it at dinner
or with dinner or after dinner,and sometimes, if we're too
rigid about when we're offeringsweets, our kids can escalate
(10:32):
sweets at that eating time.
So it's like they know they'regoing to get a dessert with
dinner and so they may foregoeating dinner or whatever other
foods are there, because that'sthe only time that they're used
to having or seeing a sweet.
And so it's great to mix it upso that there's no rigidity
around it and just kind of fallinto what works as a natural
rhythm within your home andwithin your family's eating
(10:54):
routine.
But definitely considering thefrequency at which you're
offering and asking yourself canI bump this up, can I offer it
more frequently than what I'mcurrently doing so that my child
can feel more relaxed and beable to trust?
Oh yeah, I get to see this.
This is not, you know, once aweek or twice a week or just at
dinner.
It's, it's here and it'savailable, and I don't have to
(11:15):
worry about it not beingavailable, and that really can
remove that hierarchy around thesweets.
So that is something toconsider.
Another point here is thequantity of sweets at which we
offer our kids, or which we tendto offer our kids, and this is
a big one too, where we tend todish out sweets to our children
in a quantity that feels saferfor us as parents, and this is
(11:40):
where I can see a lot of issuesrising up.
Some kids naturally just have ahigher interest in sweets, and
sweets can be more rewarding forthem or more enjoyable to them
than other kids.
This is just part of theirinherent eating temperament that
kids all naturally have, andsome kids again find sweets more
(12:01):
enjoyable than others.
Just like as adults, we allhave different palates and
different foods that we tend togravitate towards, and sometimes
the amount or the quantity thatwe're providing our child helps
us feel like we're still incontrol, especially if this is a
food that you may not feelcomfortable with, if sweets are
something that maybe aretumultuous for you, or that
(12:23):
you've had a difficult time orthat in your history and in your
relationship with foods sweetshave been challenging.
You may find it difficult towatch your child eat a certain
quantity of sweets without thattriggering something inside you.
You might feel anxious, youmight feel uncomfortable, you
might feel some distress comingup in your body when your kiddos
(12:43):
on their third cupcake or Oreo,whatever it is, and so that can
cause us to restrain how muchour kids are eating.
And what happens, and what Isee here is that kids are often
prematurely getting cut off andnot ever able to eat a quantity
of sweets that actually feelssatiating to them.
And this is where it's reallyimportant to remember that your
(13:06):
eating experiences have not beenyour child's and vice versa,
and also to remember that whatfeels good in your body or what
doesn't feel good in your bodyis not the same for your child.
So often, as parents, we aretrying to guide our kids eating
behaviors, and this is a subtleform of micromanaging where it
(13:26):
comes from our own hidden agendaof feeling uncomfortable with
how our kids are eating, and sowe want to interject, or we want
to say things like I don't knowif you should eat another one
of those, you might, you mightfeel sick or your tummy might
start hurting or I think you'vehad enough, and these are coming
from a place of good intention,but they're also typically
stemming from a place of fear ora place of our own trauma
(13:49):
around food and our own distrustin our bodies, and it's easy to
extend that to our kidsunintentionally, when we have
not learned how to trustourselves around these foods,
and so it's a complex thing thatcan be coming up.
What I want you to see is abigger picture, is that this is
still a form of restraint whenit comes to feeding our kids,
(14:09):
where essentially, we'reproviding a food, but we're
still putting some stipulationsaround it, especially with this
quantity piece.
If your child is never allowedto eat a higher quantity of
sweets or to be the one todecide how much of a certain
sweet that they get to eat,versus you being the one to
decide that, then this can be atrigger for an obsession or a
(14:34):
preoccupation with sweets.
It's like if you never reachthat point of satiety, it always
leaves you with wanting more,and so this is sometimes what
happens with our kids, whenwe're always portioning out
their sweets and an amount forthem that we think that should
be plenty.
But again, if we're not everletting our kids have that
embodied eating experience wherethey get to figure that out for
(14:55):
themselves.
We are doing them a disservice,and I know that's a hard pill
to swallow, it's really hard,but this is the truth when we're
thinking about issues orreasons why our kids may be
obsessive with sweets.
And so some things that you canthink about incorporating or
doing is providing regularopportunities where your child
(15:17):
is allowed to have a higherportion of sweets and or get to
decide the quantity of sweetsthey want to eat from the sweets
or the foods that you'reproviding.
And this might look likeputting out a plate of cookies
with milk for a snack andletting your child be the one to
decide how many cookies theywant to eat in that setting and
I know that this can be reallyscary, I know it can be
(15:38):
uncomfortable, and if this feelslike something that's too out
of reach for you right now,that's okay.
You can work yourself up tothat and up to doing this for
your kids.
But just having awareness ofwhat may be coming up for you
and just understanding that thisis an important strategy to
incorporate for our kids can behelpful, and I know it's hard
too.
I know that this one is reallyhard, and again, a lot of this
(16:00):
discomfort can stem back to ourrelationship with food and also
the stigma around sweets andsugar and the narrative that
we've all grown up hearing aboutour bodies and about sweets,
and these are messages that somany of us have come to
internalize, which is thesefoods are bad and your body
can't be trusted to regulatethese foods, and so, of course,
(16:21):
if we've had these messages deepseated in us, it can be really
challenging to extend trust toour kids, and I'm telling you,
it's a practice.
It's not something that is goingto be perfect by any means, and
it's so important to shiftingaway from this narrative of body
shame and food guilt.
(16:41):
I will tell you, too, that ifyou're trying this out with your
kiddos especially if you haveolder kiddos and you've never
allowed them to do this beforethey need to learn, and it's
going to be some trial and errorfor them too.
What we're of eatingintuitively is gathering data
and information about what feelsgood in your body and what
doesn't, but if we're alwaysstopping our kids or policing
them, or micromanaging them ortelling them you've had too much
(17:04):
or you need to stop, or one,we're only having one.
That's all you can have.
It's going to take some timefor them to learn how to
regulate, and the beautifulthing about this and again
looking at the big picture isthat when we give our kids this
safe opportunity to learn how toregulate a higher quantity of
sweets in the safety of our ownhomes, it's only going to help
(17:26):
them as they grow up.
Because we have to rememberthat our kids are not always
going to be under our home andunder our care, and every single
thing that they eat is notgoing to be in our control.
They're going to grow up,they're going to move away,
they're going to live on theirown and be in charge of what
they buy and the foods that theyeat.
And you want your child to beable to have a normal
(17:47):
relationship with sweets wherethey don't leave your home and
go wild on sweets or feel likethey're always binging or
overeating sweets because theynever had an opportunity to have
them as a child.
So it's important to thinkabout these big picture ideas,
especially when you're feelinguncomfortable as you're
navigating this particularstrategy and this point here.
(18:08):
So the last one I want to touchon today is looking at any
hidden agendas or what I like tocall a conditional yes.
This is a really hard one, andthis is probably the most common
reason why I see kids stillfeeling obsessive or preoccupied
with eating sweets.
And an easy way to kind ofdistill this is that your walk
(18:31):
and your talk may not bematching up, and what I mean by
this is that you may be sayingyes to your child in terms of
offering and providing a sweetand incorporating it in your
home.
Whatever, if you are stillcommunicating messages to your
child that you don't trust themto eat sweets or that you're
uncomfortable with them eatingsweets, either verbally or
(18:54):
non-verbally, they are going topick up on that.
So we have to remember that ourchildren are very attuned to us
as their parents and theircaregivers.
They are attuned to ouremotional state.
They're picking up what we'reputting down.
They are feeling what is comingup for us and, as hard as that
is, it's also important toremember that, because this is
(19:16):
where it can be so important tojust examine our own
relationship with food andwhat's coming up for us, and is
this being projected in mychild's eating environment?
Are they picking up on, maybe,your energy around sweets, which
maybe is chaotic or anxious orfearful or uncomfortable.
They may be picking up on that,and that is also influencing
(19:39):
how they feel about sweets, andtheir body too, and it also just
perpetuates this feeling, orthis message, that sweets are a
really big deal.
These are things that I shouldbe really keen on, because mom
seems to be making a big dealabout this, or mom and dad are
arguing about this, or this isbecoming an issue in the home,
(19:59):
or this is becoming a powerstruggle every time you're at
the grocery store and yourchild's asking for something,
and you find yourself just stuckin this power struggle with
your child around sweets.
These are all different thingsthat may be coming up that your
child might be picking up on,and the antidote to this is not
to just say yes to your child'severy request.
That's certainly not what I'mtrying to communicate here.
(20:21):
However, it is important to beaware of the messaging that
we're communicating to ourchildren, either verbally or
nonverbally.
Sometimes we are providing afood, but we're also telling
them something else through themessages and the interactions
that we're having with them.
A common example that I see iswhere we may be allowing our
kids to have sweets, but maybenever partaking in having those
(20:44):
things ourselves.
And this is something that kidswill key in on when they notice
like, oh, why do adults nevereat sweets?
Or why do all the kids get tohave ice cream but mom and dad
never eat it, or mommy nevereats this, or whatever that
situation might look like.
And again, I'm saying all ofthis with so much compassion and
(21:07):
knowing that there's a lot ofnuance here too, definitely a
lot of nuance that I can't getinto in one episode.
But I just want you to see thatsometimes kids are hearing and
picking up on contradictingmessages where it's like okay,
you can have this, but there maystill be some stipulations
around the sweets or around thefood.
(21:27):
And this is where we want tothink about how can we make our
yeses to our children truly beunconditional.
A big area that I see is withstipulations where we might use
or leverage sweets in order toget our child eat other foods.
So it's like okay, you've hadyour sweet, now why don't you
try a bite of this?
(21:48):
Because it's not okay for youto just have, you know, candy
for lunch or whatever that mightbe.
So it's a subtle way ofcommunicating this message that
how you're eating, or eatingsweets is not okay and or I'm
not okay with it, and this is avery confusing thing for our
child.
It really creates dissonance intheir mind.
(22:08):
That's hard to reconcile whereit's like oh, you offered this
to me, but now you're telling meI need to eat something else.
Or you know, another commonexample is policing again the
quantity and we just talkedabout this where it's like we
are offering and providing butwe feel like we have to cut our
kids off at a certain point.
Or we might have certain rulesfor certain foods but not for
others.
(22:29):
So, for example, at a meal time, if your child wants another
cookie, you might say you know,no, we've already had enough
cookies, but you could have moreof chicken, or you can have
more broccoli.
If that is the constant messagethat your child is hearing,
that still puts the dessert orthe cookie on a pedestal and
sends a confusing message to thechild with their like well, why
(22:51):
can't I have more cookies, butI'm allowed to have more of
these foods?
So these are all really bigthings to be thinking about and
really challenging things,because this particular point
typically has to come back to usas parents and requires some
self-awareness andself-examination as to how we're
approaching these foods withour kids.
(23:11):
Another thing to examine here isare there any hidden agendas?
So are you offering sweets toyour child with a specific
agenda in mind?
And this is something that Isee come up a lot, where parents
are like just tell me what todo, just tell me how frequently
I need to be offering what's theplan?
But there's an agenda attachedto it, and that agenda might be
(23:32):
that I want my child to eat lessof the sweets at meals, or I
want my child to not eat sweetsanymore, not care about sweets,
or maybe it has to do with yourchild's body size, where you
would prefer your child to be ina different body than they
currently are.
There's reasons why you mayhave those agendas and those
(23:52):
things and feeling or believingor wanting those things for your
child are not inherently wrong.
They're there for a reason.
However, where it gets sticky iswhen that agenda is influencing
how you're feeding your childand if you're now creating
stipulations around how they'reeating, it's not just about
providing the dessert orproviding the sweet, but it's
(24:13):
also truly letting go of anyattached outcomes or agendas
that you might have with that.
It's letting go of ourprerogatives, it's laying down
our expectations and being ableto give our child an
unconditional yes versus aconditional yes.
It's saying here's our sweetswith our meal and being totally
(24:37):
okay with your child, maybe justopting for having the cookie
and maybe not touching anythingelse.
And look, I know that's wayeasier said than done.
I totally get it, and as aparent in the trenches with you,
I know that there's a lot ofthings that can come up and
triggers for us as parents, butit's important to remember that
(24:58):
those triggers and thatdiscomfort that's coming up are
our responsibility to manage andnot our kid's job.
And so this is where we reallyhave to distinguish what is
coming up for me and can I givemy child an unconditional yes to
listen to their body, to eatwhat they want and what they
need from the foods that I'veprovided, and trust them and
(25:21):
learn to trust them.
And a helpful kind of justmantra or affirmation to just
remind yourself is that I cantrust my child.
I'm learning to trust my childand even if I haven't fully been
able to trust myself or that'sthe narrative that you're
working through is that I can'ttrust my body, you are learning
to extend that trust to yourchild so that they can embody
(25:42):
that sense of trust withinthemselves and that you can
preserve that trust andcommunicate this message that I
trust you, even when it lookscompletely different from what I
think it should look like.
I'm learning to trust you andthat is one of the most powerful
gifts that we can give ourchildren that really does
preserve their intuitive eatingabilities.
(26:03):
Again, I know this is so mucheasier said than done and this
is hard work.
This is the hard work thatyou're doing and this is why I
love these conversations,because it's not just about the
strategy.
It's about what goes behind thestrategy, what is happening
beneath the surface here,because you can follow the
strategy.
But if you are not doing theactive work yourself on your own
(26:25):
relationship with food and howyou feel about your body and
rewriting the narrative andchallenging the stigmas that you
grew up with, it's going to bechallenging to execute these
strategies.
So I hope that just helps yousee a little bit of the bigger
picture here and gives you somethings to think about.
I know that this can be achallenging topic, something
really that comes up again morefrequently than you might think
(26:46):
and I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
So a special thank you to thismama who sent in this question,
and I do want to mention that Ido have a service available.
So if you are looking to getsome individualized help and are
wanting some assistancetroubleshooting maybe a sweet
obsession in your home or inyour child, I would love to help
(27:08):
you.
So I offer what I call sweetsaudits.
So basically I kind of do anaudit on your family situation
and your eating situation andhelp you troubleshoot and figure
out what your sweet situationis in your home and help you
come up with a game plan toresolve any sweets obsessions or
preoccupations that may begoing on in your kiddos.
(27:31):
So if you're interested, I willstick a link to the sweets
audit in the show notes or youcan email me again, hello at
crystalcargiscom and just let meknow that you're interested in
that and I can send you moreinformation and would be happy
to help support you with this.
I definitely want you to knowthat if you're navigating a
preoccupation with sweets inyour own kiddo, I know it can be
(27:51):
challenging and there is somuch hope for you and your
family that this is somethingthat can definitely be worked
through and resolved so that youcan support your child and just
building a really positiverelationship with all foods,
including sweets.
So I hope this was helpful foryou.
Thank you so much again, mama,for sending in this great
question, and thank you fortuning in and for being part of
this community.
(28:11):
I so appreciate you being hereand cannot wait to connect with
you next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atcrystalcargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, mama, you're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, crystal, mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy freedom with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and live theshame together.
Hey, mama, welcome back to theshow.
I'm so glad that you're hereand appreciate you tuning in
(00:43):
with me.
Today I am answering anotherquestion from you, from a
listener, and it's actually aquestion that I do receive quite
frequently in different formsand in different ways.
So I thought it would be a goodopportunity to address this on
a podcast episode, as it may besomething that you're wondering
about as well, and we arerevisiting a topic of sweets
(01:05):
with today's question, and soI'm just going to read the
question I got and then sharesome thoughts and feedback for
you here, and this is also justa friendly reminder that you can
share and connect with me aboutany questions that you might
have or topic suggestions.
If there's something that I canhelp address for you
anonymously on the podcast, Iwould love to do so.
(01:26):
So feel free to email me overat hello at crystalcargiscom.
You can also connect with mevia Instagram, though email
usually works best, and sotoday's question reads Dear
Crystal, we regularly servedessert with meals, but my
four-year-old daughter stillseems obsessed.
I'm trying hard to keep sweetsoff the pedestal.
(01:47):
We normally offer some form ofsweets at least three days a
week and go out for ice creamevery one to two weeks, but it
never seems like enough for mydaughter.
I'm stumped and don't know whatto do.
Help, oh, mama.
Thank you so much for justtaking the time to share this,
and this is very relatable, andyou're absolutely not alone in
this.
I know that sweets can feelchaotic and overwhelming, and a
(02:10):
big piece of this is what dietculture purports that we should
do as parents around sweets, andnot to mention that diet
culture highly demonizes sweetsand sugar, and so it can feel
like a really confusing topic ora confusing food to manage in
our homes.
And I just hear your heartthrough this question you want
(02:30):
your daughter to have positiverelationship with food.
You likely want her to learnhow to self-regulate sweets and
for sweets to not be somethingthat's escalated or elevated in
her mind, and that is amazingdesires that you're holding for
her, and this is something that,again, I hear in many different
forms.
This is a common question thatcomes up, and one thing I just
(02:52):
want to plug in a quickdisclaimer here, because I
didn't have an opportunity toask you any follow-up questions
or to gather more informationabout your particular scenario.
This information is purely foreducational purposes and should
not be taken as an individualrecommendation.
So I just want to kind of walkthrough some of the common
(03:15):
reasons why I see this coming up, and this is something that I
hear, as parents are kind ofdipping their toes in the water
and wanting to normalize sweetsin their home and realize that
keeping their kids away fromsweets is not a solution or a
long-term solution to supportingtheir kids and being able to
eat sweets intuitively.
And so you might find thatyou're normalizing it.
(03:38):
You're bringing things intoyour home that you might have
not normally had.
You're being proactive aboutoffering sweets and providing
them alongside other foods thatyour child is used to eating.
However, you might feel likeyour child still seems obsessive
about having sweets, or maybesweets are the only things that
they ever want to eat, or maybethey're eating their sweets and
(03:58):
not interested in any otherfoods.
And this is where I do thinkit's important to distinguish
the difference between anobsession around sweets and just
general excitement or enjoymentof sweets.
So we want to make sure todistinguish that these are two
different things, and there'snothing inherently wrong about
being excited about eatingsweets or looking forward to
(04:20):
having sweets, or showing a lotof joy or enjoyment when you are
eating something sweet that youlove.
There's nothing wrong with that, and you may see that in your
kids and I know here in our homewe have sweets all the time.
They're definitely in therotation of foods that we
regularly eat and my kids stilllook forward to them.
(04:41):
You know they love having icecream, they love picking
different things out at thestore, and that's okay.
The goal of offering our kidssweets frequently, or
normalizing them in our home, isnot to make them less appealing
or less exciting.
The difference here is when ourchild starts to show or develop
an obsession or a preoccupationwith eating sweets.
(05:04):
This is something different.
Now this can actually affectour child's behavior in a
detrimental way.
So you might see that yourchild has difficulty
concentrating on other aspectsof their life because they're so
preoccupied with sweets, orfinding sweets or seeking them
out or eating sweets.
(05:26):
This can also influence achild's behavior in the home,
where you might notice thatmaybe your child is sneaking
sweets or eating them in secretor hoarding them or hiding them.
These are all things that canbe related to a preoccupation
with having sweets.
Another thing that we see, too,is just general anxiety or
concern or fear or worry in ourkids when sweets are not
(05:49):
available.
Or maybe you might find thatyour child has a lot of
difficulty if sweets are notavailable or if their request
for sweets is denied.
That can trigger a fall ontantrum or maybe a meltdown.
So these are things that wemight see or that could be
associated with an obsessionaround sweets.
You might also notice just anincessant questioning about
(06:12):
sweets or persistent asking forsweets.
It seems like it never stops.
Another thing as well is thatyou might find that your child
has a low threshold or lowtolerance for sweets not being
available.
So if you were to say, no,we're not going to have that or
we're not getting that.
That can really tailspin yourchild into kind of overwhelming
(06:33):
emotion that's difficult forthem to handle.
So they may have a very lowcapacity to handle sweets not
being available.
So, again, these are thingsthat we would look for to help
us distinguish.
Is my child really preoccupiedwith sweets or is this just
general excitement or enjoymentof sweets and having sweets?
And I did a podcast episode afew weeks back describing what a
(06:57):
good relationship with sweetswould look like in a child.
So if you're not sure, ifyou're wondering, does my child
have a good relationship withsweets, definitely go back and
listen to that episode.
I'll make sure that I put alink to it in the show notes for
you.
So you know, we do want to makesure that we're distinguishing
those two different things.
So let's say that you are, likethis question asked, offering
(07:17):
desserts in your home.
You're being proactive, you'repurchasing things again that you
may not have bought before.
You're really trying to beintentional about incorporating
sweets as part of your child'seating routine.
If you're doing that and you'renoticing that your child is
still showing some signs of anobsession around sweets or a
preoccupation with having sweets, then there may be some reasons
(07:43):
that are influencing that, andI just want to again talk
through some of the commonthings that I see in my practice
working with families who arenavigating this issue.
So it's important to rememberthat every family is different
and every situation is differentand every child is different.
So, again, these are justgeneral kind of broad ideas and
(08:03):
as I'm talking through them, Ijust want you to think about
could any of these be applicableto, maybe, your situation.
So one of the most commonreasons that I see kids still
showing an obsession aroundsweets, even when they're being
integrated in the home, is thatsweets are still not being
offered frequently enough.
It's like not quite at thethreshold of what a child may
(08:24):
need to feel more relaxed aboutthem, and a common reason for
this is that we tend to usunderestimate the frequency of
which our kids need to actuallysee sweets in order to again
trust that these foods are aconsistent and regular part of
their future and of their lives.
It's not just kind of like aone and done thing.
(08:46):
It really is like you want tothink about integrating sweets
just as regularly as you wouldfruit or vegetables or milk or
bread, and I know it's reallyhard to think about sweets in
that light because, again, ofhow diet culture really has just
a dichotomy with these foodsand creates a hierarchy around
(09:06):
foods where certain foods areclassified as being better or
more nutritious for you thanothers.
But again, we want to thinkabout creating an emotionally
equal playing field for allfoods for our children, so that
they can learn how toself-regulate and eat
intuitively.
And if sweets are still on apedestal for them, it's going to
be really challenging for themto be able to do that.
(09:28):
And so you want to think aboutfrequency.
Is the frequency at whichyou're currently offering sweets
enough for them?
And this is where I usuallyencourage parents to think about
offering it multiple times aday, every day and I know that
seems like a lot and I know thisis just again general
guidelines here, but if here's agood rule of thumb, if your
(09:50):
child is still showing signs ofan obsession around sweets at
the frequency that you'recurrently offering, you might
want to think about bumping itup as a starter.
So if you're offering sweetswith meals about three times a
week, that may not be enough.
And so you want to think aboutdo I need to bump it up more
frequently again in order tohelp my child trust that these
(10:10):
foods are a regular part oftheir eating routine and so that
might need to look like a dailything.
And I always recommend to you tonot become rigid about when you
offer sweets.
You know, sometimes it's like Ijust want to offer it at dinner
or with dinner or after dinner,and sometimes, if we're too
rigid about when we're offeringsweets, our kids can escalate
(10:32):
sweets at that eating time.
So it's like they know they'regoing to get a dessert with
dinner and so they may foregoeating dinner or whatever other
foods are there, because that'sthe only time that they're used
to having or seeing a sweet.
And so it's great to mix it upso that there's no rigidity
around it and just kind of fallinto what works as a natural
rhythm within your home andwithin your family's eating
(10:54):
routine.
But definitely considering thefrequency at which you're
offering and asking yourself canI bump this up, can I offer it
more frequently than what I'mcurrently doing so that my child
can feel more relaxed and beable to trust?
Oh yeah, I get to see this.
This is not, you know, once aweek or twice a week or just at
dinner.
It's, it's here and it'savailable, and I don't have to
(11:15):
worry about it not beingavailable, and that really can
remove that hierarchy around thesweets.
So that is something toconsider.
Another point here is thequantity of sweets at which we
offer our kids, or which we tendto offer our kids, and this is
a big one too, where we tend todish out sweets to our children
in a quantity that feels saferfor us as parents, and this is
(11:40):
where I can see a lot of issuesrising up.
Some kids naturally just have ahigher interest in sweets, and
sweets can be more rewarding forthem or more enjoyable to them
than other kids.
This is just part of theirinherent eating temperament that
kids all naturally have, andsome kids again find sweets more
(12:01):
enjoyable than others.
Just like as adults, we allhave different palates and
different foods that we tend togravitate towards, and sometimes
the amount or the quantity thatwe're providing our child helps
us feel like we're still incontrol, especially if this is a
food that you may not feelcomfortable with, if sweets are
something that maybe aretumultuous for you, or that
(12:23):
you've had a difficult time orthat in your history and in your
relationship with foods sweetshave been challenging.
You may find it difficult towatch your child eat a certain
quantity of sweets without thattriggering something inside you.
You might feel anxious, youmight feel uncomfortable, you
might feel some distress comingup in your body when your kiddos
(12:43):
on their third cupcake or Oreo,whatever it is, and so that can
cause us to restrain how muchour kids are eating.
And what happens, and what Isee here is that kids are often
prematurely getting cut off andnot ever able to eat a quantity
of sweets that actually feelssatiating to them.
And this is where it's reallyimportant to remember that your
(13:06):
eating experiences have not beenyour child's and vice versa,
and also to remember that whatfeels good in your body or what
doesn't feel good in your bodyis not the same for your child.
So often, as parents, we aretrying to guide our kids eating
behaviors, and this is a subtleform of micromanaging where it
(13:26):
comes from our own hidden agendaof feeling uncomfortable with
how our kids are eating, and sowe want to interject, or we want
to say things like I don't knowif you should eat another one
of those, you might, you mightfeel sick or your tummy might
start hurting or I think you'vehad enough, and these are coming
from a place of good intention,but they're also typically
stemming from a place of fear ora place of our own trauma
(13:49):
around food and our own distrustin our bodies, and it's easy to
extend that to our kidsunintentionally, when we have
not learned how to trustourselves around these foods,
and so it's a complex thing thatcan be coming up.
What I want you to see is abigger picture, is that this is
still a form of restraint whenit comes to feeding our kids,
(14:09):
where essentially, we'reproviding a food, but we're
still putting some stipulationsaround it, especially with this
quantity piece.
If your child is never allowedto eat a higher quantity of
sweets or to be the one todecide how much of a certain
sweet that they get to eat,versus you being the one to
decide that, then this can be atrigger for an obsession or a
(14:34):
preoccupation with sweets.
It's like if you never reachthat point of satiety, it always
leaves you with wanting more,and so this is sometimes what
happens with our kids, whenwe're always portioning out
their sweets and an amount forthem that we think that should
be plenty.
But again, if we're not everletting our kids have that
embodied eating experience wherethey get to figure that out for
(14:55):
themselves.
We are doing them a disservice,and I know that's a hard pill
to swallow, it's really hard,but this is the truth when we're
thinking about issues orreasons why our kids may be
obsessive with sweets.
And so some things that you canthink about incorporating or
doing is providing regularopportunities where your child
(15:17):
is allowed to have a higherportion of sweets and or get to
decide the quantity of sweetsthey want to eat from the sweets
or the foods that you'reproviding.
And this might look likeputting out a plate of cookies
with milk for a snack andletting your child be the one to
decide how many cookies theywant to eat in that setting and
I know that this can be reallyscary, I know it can be
(15:38):
uncomfortable, and if this feelslike something that's too out
of reach for you right now,that's okay.
You can work yourself up tothat and up to doing this for
your kids.
But just having awareness ofwhat may be coming up for you
and just understanding that thisis an important strategy to
incorporate for our kids can behelpful, and I know it's hard
too.
I know that this one is reallyhard, and again, a lot of this
(16:00):
discomfort can stem back to ourrelationship with food and also
the stigma around sweets andsugar and the narrative that
we've all grown up hearing aboutour bodies and about sweets,
and these are messages that somany of us have come to
internalize, which is thesefoods are bad and your body
can't be trusted to regulatethese foods, and so, of course,
(16:21):
if we've had these messages deepseated in us, it can be really
challenging to extend trust toour kids, and I'm telling you,
it's a practice.
It's not something that is goingto be perfect by any means, and
it's so important to shiftingaway from this narrative of body
shame and food guilt.
(16:41):
I will tell you, too, that ifyou're trying this out with your
kiddos especially if you haveolder kiddos and you've never
allowed them to do this beforethey need to learn, and it's
going to be some trial and errorfor them too.
What we're of eatingintuitively is gathering data
and information about what feelsgood in your body and what
doesn't, but if we're alwaysstopping our kids or policing
them, or micromanaging them ortelling them you've had too much
(17:04):
or you need to stop, or one,we're only having one.
That's all you can have.
It's going to take some timefor them to learn how to
regulate, and the beautifulthing about this and again
looking at the big picture isthat when we give our kids this
safe opportunity to learn how toregulate a higher quantity of
sweets in the safety of our ownhomes, it's only going to help
(17:26):
them as they grow up.
Because we have to rememberthat our kids are not always
going to be under our home andunder our care, and every single
thing that they eat is notgoing to be in our control.
They're going to grow up,they're going to move away,
they're going to live on theirown and be in charge of what
they buy and the foods that theyeat.
And you want your child to beable to have a normal
(17:47):
relationship with sweets wherethey don't leave your home and
go wild on sweets or feel likethey're always binging or
overeating sweets because theynever had an opportunity to have
them as a child.
So it's important to thinkabout these big picture ideas,
especially when you're feelinguncomfortable as you're
navigating this particularstrategy and this point here.
(18:08):
So the last one I want to touchon today is looking at any
hidden agendas or what I like tocall a conditional yes.
This is a really hard one, andthis is probably the most common
reason why I see kids stillfeeling obsessive or preoccupied
with eating sweets.
And an easy way to kind ofdistill this is that your walk
(18:31):
and your talk may not bematching up, and what I mean by
this is that you may be sayingyes to your child in terms of
offering and providing a sweetand incorporating it in your
home.
Whatever, if you are stillcommunicating messages to your
child that you don't trust themto eat sweets or that you're
uncomfortable with them eatingsweets, either verbally or
(18:54):
non-verbally, they are going topick up on that.
So we have to remember that ourchildren are very attuned to us
as their parents and theircaregivers.
They are attuned to ouremotional state.
They're picking up what we'reputting down.
They are feeling what is comingup for us and, as hard as that
is, it's also important toremember that, because this is
(19:16):
where it can be so important tojust examine our own
relationship with food andwhat's coming up for us, and is
this being projected in mychild's eating environment?
Are they picking up on, maybe,your energy around sweets, which
maybe is chaotic or anxious orfearful or uncomfortable.
They may be picking up on that,and that is also influencing
(19:39):
how they feel about sweets, andtheir body too, and it also just
perpetuates this feeling, orthis message, that sweets are a
really big deal.
These are things that I shouldbe really keen on, because mom
seems to be making a big dealabout this, or mom and dad are
arguing about this, or this isbecoming an issue in the home,
(19:59):
or this is becoming a powerstruggle every time you're at
the grocery store and yourchild's asking for something,
and you find yourself just stuckin this power struggle with
your child around sweets.
These are all different thingsthat may be coming up that your
child might be picking up on,and the antidote to this is not
to just say yes to your child'severy request.
That's certainly not what I'mtrying to communicate here.
(20:21):
However, it is important to beaware of the messaging that
we're communicating to ourchildren, either verbally or
nonverbally.
Sometimes we are providing afood, but we're also telling
them something else through themessages and the interactions
that we're having with them.
A common example that I see iswhere we may be allowing our
kids to have sweets, but maybenever partaking in having those
(20:44):
things ourselves.
And this is something that kidswill key in on when they notice
like, oh, why do adults nevereat sweets?
Or why do all the kids get tohave ice cream but mom and dad
never eat it, or mommy nevereats this, or whatever that
situation might look like.
And again, I'm saying all ofthis with so much compassion and
(21:07):
knowing that there's a lot ofnuance here too, definitely a
lot of nuance that I can't getinto in one episode.
But I just want you to see thatsometimes kids are hearing and
picking up on contradictingmessages where it's like okay,
you can have this, but there maystill be some stipulations
around the sweets or around thefood.
(21:27):
And this is where we want tothink about how can we make our
yeses to our children truly beunconditional.
A big area that I see is withstipulations where we might use
or leverage sweets in order toget our child eat other foods.
So it's like okay, you've hadyour sweet, now why don't you
try a bite of this?
(21:48):
Because it's not okay for youto just have, you know, candy
for lunch or whatever that mightbe.
So it's a subtle way ofcommunicating this message that
how you're eating, or eatingsweets is not okay and or I'm
not okay with it, and this is avery confusing thing for our
child.
It really creates dissonance intheir mind.
(22:08):
That's hard to reconcile whereit's like oh, you offered this
to me, but now you're telling meI need to eat something else.
Or you know, another commonexample is policing again the
quantity and we just talkedabout this where it's like we
are offering and providing butwe feel like we have to cut our
kids off at a certain point.
Or we might have certain rulesfor certain foods but not for
others.
(22:29):
So, for example, at a meal time, if your child wants another
cookie, you might say you know,no, we've already had enough
cookies, but you could have moreof chicken, or you can have
more broccoli.
If that is the constant messagethat your child is hearing,
that still puts the dessert orthe cookie on a pedestal and
sends a confusing message to thechild with their like well, why
(22:51):
can't I have more cookies, butI'm allowed to have more of
these foods?
So these are all really bigthings to be thinking about and
really challenging things,because this particular point
typically has to come back to usas parents and requires some
self-awareness andself-examination as to how we're
approaching these foods withour kids.
(23:11):
Another thing to examine here isare there any hidden agendas?
So are you offering sweets toyour child with a specific
agenda in mind?
And this is something that Isee come up a lot, where parents
are like just tell me what todo, just tell me how frequently
I need to be offering what's theplan?
But there's an agenda attachedto it, and that agenda might be
(23:32):
that I want my child to eat lessof the sweets at meals, or I
want my child to not eat sweetsanymore, not care about sweets,
or maybe it has to do with yourchild's body size, where you
would prefer your child to be ina different body than they
currently are.
There's reasons why you mayhave those agendas and those
(23:52):
things and feeling or believingor wanting those things for your
child are not inherently wrong.
They're there for a reason.
However, where it gets sticky iswhen that agenda is influencing
how you're feeding your childand if you're now creating
stipulations around how they'reeating, it's not just about
providing the dessert orproviding the sweet, but it's
(24:13):
also truly letting go of anyattached outcomes or agendas
that you might have with that.
It's letting go of ourprerogatives, it's laying down
our expectations and being ableto give our child an
unconditional yes versus aconditional yes.
It's saying here's our sweetswith our meal and being totally
(24:37):
okay with your child, maybe justopting for having the cookie
and maybe not touching anythingelse.
And look, I know that's wayeasier said than done.
I totally get it, and as aparent in the trenches with you,
I know that there's a lot ofthings that can come up and
triggers for us as parents, butit's important to remember that
(24:58):
those triggers and thatdiscomfort that's coming up are
our responsibility to manage andnot our kid's job.
And so this is where we reallyhave to distinguish what is
coming up for me and can I givemy child an unconditional yes to
listen to their body, to eatwhat they want and what they
need from the foods that I'veprovided, and trust them and
(25:21):
learn to trust them.
And a helpful kind of justmantra or affirmation to just
remind yourself is that I cantrust my child.
I'm learning to trust my childand even if I haven't fully been
able to trust myself or that'sthe narrative that you're
working through is that I can'ttrust my body, you are learning
to extend that trust to yourchild so that they can embody
(25:42):
that sense of trust withinthemselves and that you can
preserve that trust andcommunicate this message that I
trust you, even when it lookscompletely different from what I
think it should look like.
I'm learning to trust you andthat is one of the most powerful
gifts that we can give ourchildren that really does
preserve their intuitive eatingabilities.
(26:03):
Again, I know this is so mucheasier said than done and this
is hard work.
This is the hard work thatyou're doing and this is why I
love these conversations,because it's not just about the
strategy.
It's about what goes behind thestrategy, what is happening
beneath the surface here,because you can follow the
strategy.
But if you are not doing theactive work yourself on your own
(26:25):
relationship with food and howyou feel about your body and
rewriting the narrative andchallenging the stigmas that you
grew up with, it's going to bechallenging to execute these
strategies.
So I hope that just helps yousee a little bit of the bigger
picture here and gives you somethings to think about.
I know that this can be achallenging topic, something
really that comes up again morefrequently than you might think
(26:46):
and I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
So a special thank you to thismama who sent in this question,
and I do want to mention that Ido have a service available.
So if you are looking to getsome individualized help and are
wanting some assistancetroubleshooting maybe a sweet
obsession in your home or inyour child, I would love to help
(27:08):
you.
So I offer what I call sweetsaudits.
So basically I kind of do anaudit on your family situation
and your eating situation andhelp you troubleshoot and figure
out what your sweet situationis in your home and help you
come up with a game plan toresolve any sweets obsessions or
preoccupations that may begoing on in your kiddos.
(27:31):
So if you're interested, I willstick a link to the sweets
audit in the show notes or youcan email me again, hello at
crystalcargiscom and just let meknow that you're interested in
that and I can send you moreinformation and would be happy
to help support you with this.
I definitely want you to knowthat if you're navigating a
preoccupation with sweets inyour own kiddo, I know it can be
(27:51):
challenging and there is somuch hope for you and your
family that this is somethingthat can definitely be worked
through and resolved so that youcan support your child and just
building a really positiverelationship with all foods,
including sweets.
So I hope this was helpful foryou.
Thank you so much again, mama,for sending in this great
question, and thank you fortuning in and for being part of
this community.
(28:11):
I so appreciate you being hereand cannot wait to connect with
you next week.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atcrystalcargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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