October 22, 2023 • 28 mins
Are you ready to revolutionize the way your household perceives and interacts with candy? If so, our comprehensive discussion on understanding and navigating the world of sweets with your children is a must-listen. By breaking away from the societal stigmas surrounding sweets, we elucidate the significance of nurturing a healthy relationship with food, particularly candy. Rather than demonizing these treats, we highlight the importance of teaching our children to self-regulate their intake.
As we venture through our own experiences with food, we shed light on how these can shape our approach to introducing sweets to our children. We delve into the concept of creating a safe space for our children to explore various foods, especially sweets. This inclusion of sweets on special occasions like Halloween or birthdays is instrumental in aiding our children's understanding of self-regulation and trust in their bodies. As we transition into the holiday season, we share key insights on how to navigate these candy-centric occasions. We encourage trust and learning through experience, fostering positive relationships with food. Join us as we debunk societal food myths and foster a new generation of intuitive eaters.
Show Links:
- [FREE Halloween Workshop]: "Rewrite the Script on Halloween Sweets to Help Your Kids Self-Regulate Sugar!"
Questions about today's episode or do you have topic requests for future episodes? Please send your feedback via email to hello@crystalkarges.com or connect with Crystal on Instagram.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, Mama, You're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, Crystal, Mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
We have a special guest with ustoday.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Why don't you tell us your name?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Eleanor.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Eleanor, how old are you?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Five.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
And what is your favorite thing about Halloween?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Trick or treating.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Trick or treating.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Let's eat Halloween decorations, oh yeah, so what do
you like about trick ortreating?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Like putting candy in buckets, knocking on doors,
seeing Halloween decorationssaying trick or treat.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
And what's your favorite candy?
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Kit Kat.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Ooh, those are yummy, aren't they?
And what do you want other kidslike you to be able to do on
Halloween?
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Trick or treat seeing Halloween decorations.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Can eat lots of yummy candy.
I can't wait, but don't gettummy ache.
Don't get a tummy ache.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
How do you get a tummy ache If you eat too much
candy, you get a tummy ache.
So don't eat too much candy.
How do you know that?
Because if you eat too muchcandy, you'll get tummy ache.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Has that happened to you before?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
No, Wait, it has.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Oh, so then what did you do when that happened?
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Just want to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
And then what happened?
Speaker 3 (01:59):
And then, if you had better, your body helped you
feel better.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
I'm so glad to hear that.
Well, thank you so much foryour great advice.
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Hey Mama, welcome back to the show.
That was an impromptuconversation with my youngest,
who loves to wander in while I'mrecording, and so I thought I
would just have her join insteadof fighting it right, and it
was interesting to hear what shehad to say.
That was completely unscriptedand it got me thinking about
(02:30):
this idea of how quick we aresometimes to tell our kids don't
eat too much candy, you'regoing to get sick if you eat too
much candy, and so I thought Iwould talk about that a little
bit for today's show.
I actually had a differenttopic in mind, but, given the
impromptu conversation that cameup with my daughter, I thought
it might be good to address this, because it frequently comes up
(02:52):
, especially around Halloween.
If you've been following along,we've been doing a mini series
here on the podcast about kidsand all things sugar, as sweets
are commonly demonized in ourdieting culture, and it can be
really challenging as a parentto know how do I navigate candy
and sweets with my children,especially if we want them to
(03:15):
learn how to self-regulate andhave a positive relationship
with sweets and all foods.
And yet we are also bombardedwith so much conflicting
messages, so much fear mongeringaround letting our kids eat
sweets, letting them have candyto their hearts content.
It's really challenging as aparent to navigate this.
You might find yourself feelingstuck in this conflict where,
(03:36):
on one hand, you do want tonormalize sweets for your child.
You want them to be able tolearn how to self-regulate them
so that they're not on apedestal and not something that
they become obsessive about.
However, on the other hand, youmight worry about the impact of
sugar on their health or theirbehavior, or wonder about all
(03:57):
the claims that are out theretoday.
Is there any legitimacy to themand if so, what does this mean
for my child?
You might have conflictingfeelings about your child eating
sweets due to your ownrelationship with food or your
history with food.
Many of us can subconsciouslyproject our own experiences
(04:17):
around food on our children.
So, for example, if you've hada difficult relationship with
food and if sweets weresomething that were chaotic or
challenging in any way, or younever learned how to
self-regulate it, it can be easyto bring those experiences into
your feeding relationship withyour child, where you assume
(04:38):
that they may also have the sameexperiences that you did.
I know this is something that Ihad to work through myself,
sweets were a big part of myeating disorder and something
that were really challenging forme to normalize.
And, because of my history,this was something that I found
myself projecting onto my kidsas they were getting older and
(05:00):
starting to have more exposureto sweets.
There was this assumption thatI had a chaotic relationship
with these foods.
So there was a worrier concernthat my kids would also deal
with the same thing, or thisbelief, this internalized
narrative that we may carry,that if I can't trust myself
with food or I can't trustmyself to eat sweets, then
what's to say that my child canbe trusted, or how can I trust
(05:23):
my child to have a normalrelationship with a food that
has historically been verychaotic for me?
So, as you can see, there are alot of things coming up which
can make it hard for us toextend full trust and permission
to our children, especiallyaround candy-centered holidays,
where there is a novelty in thisexperience of having a higher
(05:46):
volume of sweets available.
So you might find yourselfbeing intentional about
incorporating candy orincorporating sweets at various
times.
You're trying to expose yourchildren to these foods and
offering them more frequently,and maybe you're wanting to do
things differently so that theycan have an opportunity to learn
how to self-regulate thesefoods, to build a positive
(06:09):
association with eating them.
However, what I tend to see isthis kind of dipping your toe in
the water scenario where it'slike we want our kids to have
these experiences but we can'tfully extend trust and
permission to them.
There might be micromanaging orrestricting happening on a very
subtle scale, and part of thatis because it can feel
(06:32):
challenging to relinquish thatcontrol.
It can feel difficult to learnhow to trust our children fully,
especially if you're stilllearning to trust yourself or if
you're still trying to entanglemany of the different messages
that you're being bombarded with.
It's a challenging thing to do.
One of the biggest ways I seethis coming out is in the way
(06:53):
that we communicate with ourchildren, in the ways that we
have conversations with themabout food and their bodies, and
they can kind of become thesemany lectures, which often have
a hidden agenda attached to themthat wants to micromanage how
much our kids are eating orminimize the volume of sweets
(07:13):
that they're actually taking in,and this tends to come out more
prominently duringcandy-centered holidays again,
like Halloween.
I've talked about this ondifferent episodes, but I'm a
huge proponent of letting ourchildren have full access to
their Halloween candy orwhatever it might be, if they're
going to a birthday party andgetting a big bag of candy to
(07:37):
come home with.
If it's Halloween or adifferent holiday where there is
exposure to a large volume ofsweets, I definitely recommend
letting our children have anopportunity to eat what they
want from what is available tothem, especially because they've
already seen it, they've hadaccess to it.
They see the full volume ofwhat is there, and for us to
(08:00):
allow our children to have thatexperience but then not permit
them to actually eat and enjoypart of that experience can be a
subtle form of restriction.
It can communicate a message toour children that we don't
really trust them, that theyhave access to this candy but we
have to be the ones to policeit or gatekeep it, and this is
(08:21):
where we can unintentionallysend messages to our children
that they can't be trusted orthat we don't trust them, and
trust is such an essentialcomponent of our children being
able to learn how to trustthemselves.
The other thing here is that wewant to remember that eating is
a very embodied experience.
So what do I mean by that?
(08:42):
Children are intuitive eatersalready.
They are born with innatecapabilities to self-regulate
what they need.
That is one of the mostbeautiful things, and sometimes
I think it's easy to forget that, even though our children have
those skills, they still needexperiences to develop those
(09:02):
skills, to actually learn whatfoods feel good in their bodies
and what foods don't, or thevolume or the quantity or the
times of day.
Our children need thoseexperiences over the course of
their lifetime, and eating andeating intuitively is a skill
that our children are developing, and this is why I advocate for
(09:24):
allowing our children to havethese real life experiences like
candy from a birthday party,candy from trick-or-treating,
where they're able to have anexperience that's something
different from the typical dayto day, but something that's
also part of normal life, sothat they can learn how to eat
(09:44):
in a manner that feels best forthem in different scenarios.
And this is where I think it canbe really challenging as a
parent when we see our childrenin different situations, it's
easy to come into thosesituations thinking that I know
what's best for my child in thissituation.
However, when it comes to foodand eating, the only person
that's living in our child'sbody is our child, and this is
(10:08):
where I see this conflicthappening, where we want to
still micromanage and we stillmight say things or we might
make insinuations that can makeit challenging for our child to
actually listen to what'shappening inside their body,
because they're getting outsideinformation which may be
conflicting with the internalcues and the things that they're
registering in their bodies.
(10:29):
So let me walk you through areal-life example of this and
yes, it has happened over thecourse of Halloween in different
ways with different children ofmine and my youngest, who you
heard from.
I thought it was actually veryinteresting that she said too
much candy can make your tummyhurt, because that is something
that she discovered on her own.
And I have made a point to nottell my kids that because, again
(10:54):
, I understand that they don'tneed lectures from me.
They need safe opportunities todiscover and experience what
feels good in their bodies andwhat doesn't, especially in
these situations like Halloween,where they have their
trick-or-treating candy andthey're being allowed an
opportunity to explore it andeat and eat what they want from
it before we put it away.
(11:15):
And there have been times wheremy children did eat their candy
to a point where they got sickand it is hard to watch, it's
very uncomfortable as a parentand I can think of a couple
specific instances with my kidswhere this has happened.
And this has happened with myyoungest on Halloween before,
where at the time she was fourand really starting to get into
(11:38):
Halloween and all the candy andreally excited about all the
different things.
We came home fromtrick-or-treating and, like we
always do with our children, welet them sort out their candy
after we've checked it, we letthem trade with each other and
we also let them eat what theywant from their Halloween candy.
This is something we do withthem every year and for my
(12:00):
youngest at the time it was anewer experience for her in that
she was more aware of what washappening and definitely into it
and she was going full speedinto her Halloween candy.
I mean tearing multiple piecesopen.
She was biting into things andopening the next one before she
even finished it.
I mean there was a lot ofpieces around that were uneaten
(12:22):
and I could see from her pacethat there was some overeating
happening.
And it's hard.
This has happened before withsome of my older children, so in
that sense I was a little bitmore prepared for it, but it
never makes it easy and I alsoknew that, as hard as it was for
me to watch that.
It was also an importantexperience for her to learn
(12:42):
about what feels good in herbody and what doesn't.
And I've never said to her orany of my other kids that eating
too much candy is bad for youor it's going to make you feel
sick as much as I feel likethose things are burned into my
brain because those are things Iheard growing up about food and
sweets in particular.
I've always wanted to beintentional about letting my
(13:05):
children have this space toexplore Because, again, they
need experiences to discoverwhat feels good and what doesn't
.
They're not going to learn thatbased on us telling them things
.
They're going to learn thatbased on feeling those things.
And, sure enough, my youngestdid eat to a point where she
felt uncomfortable and sheverbalized that and she was
(13:26):
saying how much her tummy washurting and that she didn't feel
good.
And of course, sometimes asparents, we can internalize that
as a failure on our part.
Like I am responsible for this,I allowed this to happen and
this is where it takes someintentional reframing, because
these messages are veryintertwined with diet culture
(13:48):
and there's often misconstruedideas around.
Letting our kids have theseeating experiences with sweets
and I get it, letting our kidshave access to candy and making
sweets accessible in the home isvery counter cultural and it
can feel very counter intuitive.
As a parent, too, it doesn'tfeel like something that is
(14:08):
conducive to good health, basedon the standards that diet
culture has established forraising kids or raising healthy
children.
This is where I think it'sreally important to take a step
back and remind ourselves of thebig picture goals that we are
essentially working towards whenwe are implementing these
approaches that do feel counterintuitive.
We want to think about the longterm goals.
(14:31):
We want to raise children whoare competent eaters, who can
trust their bodies and listen totheir bodies and not have a
chaotic relationship with food,who aren't growing up and going
to college or to a friend'shouse or living on their own and
not knowing how to feedthemselves or going hog wild
over sweets now that they havefree reign access to it because
(14:55):
they never had thoseopportunities growing up.
And this is where the reframingpiece really comes helpful and
into play, where we're thinkingabout why we're doing these
things.
It's not just becomingpermissive as a parent and just
saying I'm going to let my childdo whatever they want whenever
they want.
That's definitely not what thisis about and that's not
conducive to raising a healthychild or effective, positive
(15:19):
parenting.
It's more about learning to beresponsive to the children in
front of us understanding them,understanding what they need,
understanding what experienceswould be helpful for them to
discover their own bodies andwhat feels good in their bodies,
and being cognizant of theirenvironment and what they're
being exposed to, especiallywith food.
(15:40):
Are we allowing them to havethe safe experiences they need
to get curious about theirbodies and their appetites,
without any shame or guilt orstipulations attached to it,
because those are the thingsthat will help them, in the long
run, develop a more positiverelationship with food, one that
is not overshadowed by guilt orshame or, second, questioning
(16:03):
their bodies or their appetitesat every turn.
So, going back to this storywith my youngest in previous
Halloween experience, where shedid eat she did overeat candy to
a point where she didn't feelgood.
Her tummy was hurting.
She expressed that, sheverbalized that, and this is
where we have an opportunity asparents to decide how are we
(16:24):
going to respond, how are wegoing to navigate this so that
this situation is something thatour kids can learn from, even
in which they can gather dataand information about that
experience to apply it to thenext eating times or the next
eating experiences.
And this is where I think a lotof us growing up have received
(16:44):
feedback from parents orcaregivers or people that
interacted with us as children,where we were demeaned or put
down or spoken to in a negativeway because of the eating
experiences we had that maybedidn't go well.
Eating is part of normal eating.
It is a part of eatingintuitively, where we are
(17:05):
troubleshooting and figuring outwhat feels good and what
doesn't.
And it's very easy to demonizeovereating and this is where
many of us can or did in ourhistory, internalize shame
around these experiences.
And so, with your own children,while it can be easy to recycle
those things or we're sayingthose same things that we heard
(17:25):
growing up like see, I told youthat was too much.
Too much candy, too much candyis going to hurt your body or
hurt your tummy or not make youfeel good Instead of resorting
to those things that we grew uphearing, this can be an
opportunity to get curious withour kids, to have some open
ended discussions and also justprovide them the safety and
reassurance that they need toknow that they can trust their
(17:48):
bodies as the best experts ofwhat they need.
And this is where I think somany of us repeatedly hearing
these types of messages orlectures from well-meaning
people in our lives form thenarrative that our bodies can't
be trusted, that our bodies arenot the ones that can guide us
through these situations, thatwe have to now depend on or
(18:09):
listen to external rules, and sowe start dissociating from our
own bodies.
And this is where those innateintuitive eating abilities that
we were all born with can becomesevered, which is why I do
think it's important to examinethat narrative.
What are we following?
What is guiding us in oureating choices?
And while it can be so easy torecycle those things, I know
(18:31):
that you are a cycle breaker andyou want to do differently for
your kids, and here, coming upin Halloween is a great
opportunity to do that.
And so with my daughter, whenthis happened with her, I just
asked her an open ended question, after empathizing with her
situation, like oh man, I'm sosorry.
I know that doesn't feel good.
Why do you think your tummyhurts?
(18:52):
And when we can ask those openended questions it really puts
it back on them to kind ofreconnect what just happened and
self discover what washappening in their body leading
up to that experience.
And when I posed this questionto my daughter, she made the
connection right away and said Ithink I ate too much of my
candy and so I'm just going togo ahead and answer that
(19:12):
question, instead of againsaying things like I told you so
or you shouldn't have done that, just allowing more curiosity
and discovery.
Because when our children makethis self-discovery, we don't
want to demonize overeating orwe don't want to demonize the
food itself, and we can do thatby sticking to those open-ended
questions, asking reflectivequestions and again providing
(19:35):
reassurance.
So with my daughter that lookedlike something along lines of
yeah, there was just so manyyummy candies.
And I know it can be hard todecide what you want to eat
Sometimes I eat too much and mytummy hurts too and just those
reassuring statements can helpour kids know that they're not
alone and that they didn't dosomething inherently or morally
(19:56):
wrong.
When we can sit in it with them, that can be so supportive and
then just transitioning to whatcan help us feel better, or what
can help you feel better, andposing it as an open-ended
question rather than providingthe solution right away.
Of course, as parents andcaregivers, we just want to fix
it.
We want to help our kids feelbetter, and when we can allow a
(20:18):
little bit of space for them toexplore that discomfort, it's
amazing what they can come upwith.
And in that moment my daughterdid say I think I need to drink
some water, and then later Ithink I need to go to the
bathroom, and that's why Ithought it was so funny that she
remembered that and said thosethings earlier when I had that
little conversation with her,that she remembered what made
(20:38):
her feel better in that moment.
And that's where we can offersupport and reassurance and our
safe presence for them, to letthem know that they're not alone
, and walk through it with themand let them move through it so
that it doesn't become thisnegative association but
something that they were able tolearn from.
And what's amazing is how ourchildren can remember these
(21:02):
experiences and it doesresurface in future-eating
experiences, and this issomething that I've seen with my
own children time and timeagain, when they've had those
experiences to understand youknow what?
That didn't feel good last time.
So let's do things a little bitdifferently.
When they can make thosediscoveries on their own, it is
so much more powerful for thembecause that becomes embedded
(21:25):
within themselves, and that is alot different than listening to
a lecture or listening tosomeone else tell you how you
should do something.
When they can actually walkthrough it and learn from it,
it's so much more powerful forthem.
And this is where I want toencourage you.
With the holidays on the horizon, many different sweets
(21:47):
experiences coming up, I wantyou to consider and ask do I
trust my child?
Am I allowing them to haveexperiences rather than lectures
, to discover what feels good intheir bodies and what doesn't?
Is there something that'scausing you restraint in how
you're approaching sweets withthem?
Do you feel uncomfortableseeing your child eat a certain
amount of candy or sweets?
(22:08):
Do you feel compelled to stopthem?
Do you feel triggered by it?
Do you feel it necessary tointervene, to put limits, to put
restraints on it?
Those are some hard questionsto ask, but things that can
promote some self-awarenessabout what might be coming up
for you.
And, instead of projectingthose things onto your child,
(22:28):
can you instead make it asituation where they can have a
learning experience, lean inwith curiosity what does your
child need to figure out whatfeels best for them, rather than
resorting to control orcriticism?
How can you support your childin this way?
Now, I do want to clarify thatthere is a lot of nuance to this
(22:50):
topic and, for the sake of thisepisode, I was focusing more so
on Halloween experiences andtrick-or-treating and the high
volume of sweets that comes withthat.
However, I am not suggestingthat we always give our kids
unlimited sweets at every eatingtime and not have any structure
or supportive way in whichwe're approaching food with them
(23:10):
.
That's definitely not what I'msaying, and that's why I just
want to reiterate that there isa lot of nuance here, and when
we're thinking about thelong-term strategy of how we're
approaching sweets and food inour home overall, we do want to
consider what is both supportive, within flexible structure, and
also responsive to what ourkids need in order to develop a
(23:33):
more positive relationship withfood, because all children are
different.
All children have differenttemperaments, different needs,
different personalities and waysthat they interact and
experience the world, and it'simportant to adjust for that,
and so I do want to acknowledgethat feeding is not a
one-size-fits-all approach, thatthere is definitely a lot of
nuance here.
(23:54):
I, more so, just wanted tohighlight on what I observe as
typical responses from adults tochildren.
Around holidays like Halloween,where there is higher access to
sweets and candy available.
It's easy to default to thisfood police mode, where we feel
like we have to be thegatekeepers of how much our
(24:14):
children eat and don'trelinquish control for fear of
our kids overeating.
And what I want you to thinkabout is that overeating is
sometimes the experience thatour children need in order to
learn about what feels good intheir bodies and what doesn't.
If you are fearful of yourchild overeating, whether it is
(24:36):
sweets or just food in general,you may be resorting to subtle
forms of control which do havethe potential to backfire.
And this is where it takes alot of self reflection and
curiosity as a caregiver toassess what am I doing and how
am I approaching feeding with mychild.
(24:56):
Is it from a place of fear?
Is it a place from distrust orthe belief that I can't trust my
child to regulate?
I have to be the one toregulate for them?
Those are important things tobe aware of because, again, that
can lead to controlling feedingapproaches, even if very subtly
, which does have the potentialto disrupt our children's innate
(25:18):
intuitive eating abilities.
This tends to come up aroundHalloween, which is why I wanted
to address it in today'sepisode.
If it's been your default tocontrol or portion or have rules
around your child's Halloweencandy, what might it look like
to expand on that or give them adifferent type of eating
(25:39):
opportunity that would allowthem to self explore that and
realizing that overeating is apossibility for our kids?
We also have to understand thatHalloween in itself is a novel
experience.
It's not in our kids' everydaynorm where they get this high
volume of candy all in onesitting and there's just a lot
of other things going on.
(26:00):
There's the excitement ofdressing up and
trick-or-treating or gettingtogether with friends or family.
There's a lot happening andthat can also contribute to the
ramped up energy around sweetsand candy.
But I just want to pose thequestion Instead of trying to
get your child to avoidpotentially overeating at all
costs and possibly engaging incontrolling feeding practices in
(26:24):
order to do so, what would itlook like to give them more
permission to lean into thesesituations with curiosity, to
give them unconditional trustthat you believe in them, that
you know that your kids have theability to figure this out with
a safe experience to explorethat and, yes, they might
overeat, but no, it will not bethe end of the world.
(26:46):
In fact, it can be an invaluablelesson for them in their
lifelong journey of discoveringwhat feels good in their bodies
and trusting their bodies as thebest expert of what they need.
And I realize that feeding ourkids brings up a lot for us as
parents.
It can cause so many things toresurface for us, and this is
one of those times wherewatching our child overeat can
(27:09):
bring a lot for you.
Up to the surface, it can betriggering, it can be
distressing.
We want to remember, though,that when these things happen,
those are our responsibility tolearn how to manage and explore,
rather than projecting thosethings onto our children.
So this is the conversation Ijust wanted to invite you in
today.
I hope it gave you some thingsto think about.
I know it's a nuanced andlayered topic, so if you have
(27:32):
any questions or insight orfeedback, I'm always all ears.
Would love to hear from you Ifyou would like some more real
time conversations with mykiddos to hear how we talk about
food and bodies.
Let me know to you I'm happy toexplore that and see what that
would look like.
Also, just a friendly reminderthat I am hosting a live
Halloween workshop on how tohelp your kids self-regulate
(27:54):
their candy and just make themost of this eating experience
so that you can alleviate anystress that might be coming up
for you.
I will link that in the shownotes where you can register for
free.
I'd love to see you there, asalways.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I'm so grateful for you andthankful that you're here and
part of this community.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
(28:15):
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
Hey there, Mama, You're listening to the Lift the
Shame podcast.
I'm your host, Crystal, Mama ofFive and your family's
intuitive eating dietitian, hereto help you cut through the
diet culture clutter so you canenjoy feeding with food as a
family.
I'm on a mission to help youend the generational legacy of
diet culture in your home so youcan experience motherhood free
(00:22):
from food guilt and body shame.
Listen in weekly for guidanceon how you can ditch diet
culture, heal your relationshipwith food in your body and
confidently raise intuitiveeaters.
Let's dive in and lift theshame together.
We have a special guest with ustoday.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Why don't you tell us your name?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Eleanor.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Eleanor, how old are you?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Five.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
And what is your favorite thing about Halloween?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Trick or treating.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Trick or treating.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Let's eat Halloween decorations, oh yeah, so what do
you like about trick ortreating?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Like putting candy in buckets, knocking on doors,
seeing Halloween decorationssaying trick or treat.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
And what's your favorite candy?
Speaker 3 (01:13):
Kit Kat.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Ooh, those are yummy, aren't they?
And what do you want other kidslike you to be able to do on
Halloween?
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Trick or treat seeing Halloween decorations.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Can eat lots of yummy candy.
I can't wait, but don't gettummy ache.
Don't get a tummy ache.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
How do you get a tummy ache If you eat too much
candy, you get a tummy ache.
So don't eat too much candy.
How do you know that?
Because if you eat too muchcandy, you'll get tummy ache.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Has that happened to you before?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
No, Wait, it has.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Oh, so then what did you do when that happened?
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Just want to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
And then what happened?
Speaker 3 (01:59):
And then, if you had better, your body helped you
feel better.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
I'm so glad to hear that.
Well, thank you so much foryour great advice.
Welcome.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Hey Mama, welcome back to the show.
That was an impromptuconversation with my youngest,
who loves to wander in while I'mrecording, and so I thought I
would just have her join insteadof fighting it right, and it
was interesting to hear what shehad to say.
That was completely unscriptedand it got me thinking about
(02:30):
this idea of how quick we aresometimes to tell our kids don't
eat too much candy, you'regoing to get sick if you eat too
much candy, and so I thought Iwould talk about that a little
bit for today's show.
I actually had a differenttopic in mind, but, given the
impromptu conversation that cameup with my daughter, I thought
it might be good to address this, because it frequently comes up
(02:52):
, especially around Halloween.
If you've been following along,we've been doing a mini series
here on the podcast about kidsand all things sugar, as sweets
are commonly demonized in ourdieting culture, and it can be
really challenging as a parentto know how do I navigate candy
and sweets with my children,especially if we want them to
(03:15):
learn how to self-regulate andhave a positive relationship
with sweets and all foods.
And yet we are also bombardedwith so much conflicting
messages, so much fear mongeringaround letting our kids eat
sweets, letting them have candyto their hearts content.
It's really challenging as aparent to navigate this.
You might find yourself feelingstuck in this conflict where,
(03:36):
on one hand, you do want tonormalize sweets for your child.
You want them to be able tolearn how to self-regulate them
so that they're not on apedestal and not something that
they become obsessive about.
However, on the other hand, youmight worry about the impact of
sugar on their health or theirbehavior, or wonder about all
(03:57):
the claims that are out theretoday.
Is there any legitimacy to themand if so, what does this mean
for my child?
You might have conflictingfeelings about your child eating
sweets due to your ownrelationship with food or your
history with food.
Many of us can subconsciouslyproject our own experiences
(04:17):
around food on our children.
So, for example, if you've hada difficult relationship with
food and if sweets weresomething that were chaotic or
challenging in any way, or younever learned how to
self-regulate it, it can be easyto bring those experiences into
your feeding relationship withyour child, where you assume
(04:38):
that they may also have the sameexperiences that you did.
I know this is something that Ihad to work through myself,
sweets were a big part of myeating disorder and something
that were really challenging forme to normalize.
And, because of my history,this was something that I found
myself projecting onto my kidsas they were getting older and
(05:00):
starting to have more exposureto sweets.
There was this assumption thatI had a chaotic relationship
with these foods.
So there was a worrier concernthat my kids would also deal
with the same thing, or thisbelief, this internalized
narrative that we may carry,that if I can't trust myself
with food or I can't trustmyself to eat sweets, then
what's to say that my child canbe trusted, or how can I trust
(05:23):
my child to have a normalrelationship with a food that
has historically been verychaotic for me?
So, as you can see, there are alot of things coming up which
can make it hard for us toextend full trust and permission
to our children, especiallyaround candy-centered holidays,
where there is a novelty in thisexperience of having a higher
(05:46):
volume of sweets available.
So you might find yourselfbeing intentional about
incorporating candy orincorporating sweets at various
times.
You're trying to expose yourchildren to these foods and
offering them more frequently,and maybe you're wanting to do
things differently so that theycan have an opportunity to learn
how to self-regulate thesefoods, to build a positive
(06:09):
association with eating them.
However, what I tend to see isthis kind of dipping your toe in
the water scenario where it'slike we want our kids to have
these experiences but we can'tfully extend trust and
permission to them.
There might be micromanaging orrestricting happening on a very
subtle scale, and part of thatis because it can feel
(06:32):
challenging to relinquish thatcontrol.
It can feel difficult to learnhow to trust our children fully,
especially if you're stilllearning to trust yourself or if
you're still trying to entanglemany of the different messages
that you're being bombarded with.
It's a challenging thing to do.
One of the biggest ways I seethis coming out is in the way
(06:53):
that we communicate with ourchildren, in the ways that we
have conversations with themabout food and their bodies, and
they can kind of become thesemany lectures, which often have
a hidden agenda attached to themthat wants to micromanage how
much our kids are eating orminimize the volume of sweets
(07:13):
that they're actually taking in,and this tends to come out more
prominently duringcandy-centered holidays again,
like Halloween.
I've talked about this ondifferent episodes, but I'm a
huge proponent of letting ourchildren have full access to
their Halloween candy orwhatever it might be, if they're
going to a birthday party andgetting a big bag of candy to
(07:37):
come home with.
If it's Halloween or adifferent holiday where there is
exposure to a large volume ofsweets, I definitely recommend
letting our children have anopportunity to eat what they
want from what is available tothem, especially because they've
already seen it, they've hadaccess to it.
They see the full volume ofwhat is there, and for us to
(08:00):
allow our children to have thatexperience but then not permit
them to actually eat and enjoypart of that experience can be a
subtle form of restriction.
It can communicate a message toour children that we don't
really trust them, that theyhave access to this candy but we
have to be the ones to policeit or gatekeep it, and this is
(08:21):
where we can unintentionallysend messages to our children
that they can't be trusted orthat we don't trust them, and
trust is such an essentialcomponent of our children being
able to learn how to trustthemselves.
The other thing here is that wewant to remember that eating is
a very embodied experience.
So what do I mean by that?
(08:42):
Children are intuitive eatersalready.
They are born with innatecapabilities to self-regulate
what they need.
That is one of the mostbeautiful things, and sometimes
I think it's easy to forget that, even though our children have
those skills, they still needexperiences to develop those
(09:02):
skills, to actually learn whatfoods feel good in their bodies
and what foods don't, or thevolume or the quantity or the
times of day.
Our children need thoseexperiences over the course of
their lifetime, and eating andeating intuitively is a skill
that our children are developing, and this is why I advocate for
(09:24):
allowing our children to havethese real life experiences like
candy from a birthday party,candy from trick-or-treating,
where they're able to have anexperience that's something
different from the typical dayto day, but something that's
also part of normal life, sothat they can learn how to eat
(09:44):
in a manner that feels best forthem in different scenarios.
And this is where I think it canbe really challenging as a
parent when we see our childrenin different situations, it's
easy to come into thosesituations thinking that I know
what's best for my child in thissituation.
However, when it comes to foodand eating, the only person
that's living in our child'sbody is our child, and this is
(10:08):
where I see this conflicthappening, where we want to
still micromanage and we stillmight say things or we might
make insinuations that can makeit challenging for our child to
actually listen to what'shappening inside their body,
because they're getting outsideinformation which may be
conflicting with the internalcues and the things that they're
registering in their bodies.
(10:29):
So let me walk you through areal-life example of this and
yes, it has happened over thecourse of Halloween in different
ways with different children ofmine and my youngest, who you
heard from.
I thought it was actually veryinteresting that she said too
much candy can make your tummyhurt, because that is something
that she discovered on her own.
And I have made a point to nottell my kids that because, again
(10:54):
, I understand that they don'tneed lectures from me.
They need safe opportunities todiscover and experience what
feels good in their bodies andwhat doesn't, especially in
these situations like Halloween,where they have their
trick-or-treating candy andthey're being allowed an
opportunity to explore it andeat and eat what they want from
it before we put it away.
(11:15):
And there have been times wheremy children did eat their candy
to a point where they got sickand it is hard to watch, it's
very uncomfortable as a parentand I can think of a couple
specific instances with my kidswhere this has happened.
And this has happened with myyoungest on Halloween before,
where at the time she was fourand really starting to get into
(11:38):
Halloween and all the candy andreally excited about all the
different things.
We came home fromtrick-or-treating and, like we
always do with our children, welet them sort out their candy
after we've checked it, we letthem trade with each other and
we also let them eat what theywant from their Halloween candy.
This is something we do withthem every year and for my
(12:00):
youngest at the time it was anewer experience for her in that
she was more aware of what washappening and definitely into it
and she was going full speedinto her Halloween candy.
I mean tearing multiple piecesopen.
She was biting into things andopening the next one before she
even finished it.
I mean there was a lot ofpieces around that were uneaten
(12:22):
and I could see from her pacethat there was some overeating
happening.
And it's hard.
This has happened before withsome of my older children, so in
that sense I was a little bitmore prepared for it, but it
never makes it easy and I alsoknew that, as hard as it was for
me to watch that.
It was also an importantexperience for her to learn
(12:42):
about what feels good in herbody and what doesn't.
And I've never said to her orany of my other kids that eating
too much candy is bad for youor it's going to make you feel
sick as much as I feel likethose things are burned into my
brain because those are things Iheard growing up about food and
sweets in particular.
I've always wanted to beintentional about letting my
(13:05):
children have this space toexplore Because, again, they
need experiences to discoverwhat feels good and what doesn't
.
They're not going to learn thatbased on us telling them things
.
They're going to learn thatbased on feeling those things.
And, sure enough, my youngestdid eat to a point where she
felt uncomfortable and sheverbalized that and she was
(13:26):
saying how much her tummy washurting and that she didn't feel
good.
And of course, sometimes asparents, we can internalize that
as a failure on our part.
Like I am responsible for this,I allowed this to happen and
this is where it takes someintentional reframing, because
these messages are veryintertwined with diet culture
(13:48):
and there's often misconstruedideas around.
Letting our kids have theseeating experiences with sweets
and I get it, letting our kidshave access to candy and making
sweets accessible in the home isvery counter cultural and it
can feel very counter intuitive.
As a parent, too, it doesn'tfeel like something that is
(14:08):
conducive to good health, basedon the standards that diet
culture has established forraising kids or raising healthy
children.
This is where I think it'sreally important to take a step
back and remind ourselves of thebig picture goals that we are
essentially working towards whenwe are implementing these
approaches that do feel counterintuitive.
We want to think about the longterm goals.
(14:31):
We want to raise children whoare competent eaters, who can
trust their bodies and listen totheir bodies and not have a
chaotic relationship with food,who aren't growing up and going
to college or to a friend'shouse or living on their own and
not knowing how to feedthemselves or going hog wild
over sweets now that they havefree reign access to it because
(14:55):
they never had thoseopportunities growing up.
And this is where the reframingpiece really comes helpful and
into play, where we're thinkingabout why we're doing these
things.
It's not just becomingpermissive as a parent and just
saying I'm going to let my childdo whatever they want whenever
they want.
That's definitely not what thisis about and that's not
conducive to raising a healthychild or effective, positive
(15:19):
parenting.
It's more about learning to beresponsive to the children in
front of us understanding them,understanding what they need,
understanding what experienceswould be helpful for them to
discover their own bodies andwhat feels good in their bodies,
and being cognizant of theirenvironment and what they're
being exposed to, especiallywith food.
(15:40):
Are we allowing them to havethe safe experiences they need
to get curious about theirbodies and their appetites,
without any shame or guilt orstipulations attached to it,
because those are the thingsthat will help them, in the long
run, develop a more positiverelationship with food, one that
is not overshadowed by guilt orshame or, second, questioning
(16:03):
their bodies or their appetitesat every turn.
So, going back to this storywith my youngest in previous
Halloween experience, where shedid eat she did overeat candy to
a point where she didn't feelgood.
Her tummy was hurting.
She expressed that, sheverbalized that, and this is
where we have an opportunity asparents to decide how are we
(16:24):
going to respond, how are wegoing to navigate this so that
this situation is something thatour kids can learn from, even
in which they can gather dataand information about that
experience to apply it to thenext eating times or the next
eating experiences.
And this is where I think a lotof us growing up have received
(16:44):
feedback from parents orcaregivers or people that
interacted with us as children,where we were demeaned or put
down or spoken to in a negativeway because of the eating
experiences we had that maybedidn't go well.
Eating is part of normal eating.
It is a part of eatingintuitively, where we are
(17:05):
troubleshooting and figuring outwhat feels good and what
doesn't.
And it's very easy to demonizeovereating and this is where
many of us can or did in ourhistory, internalize shame
around these experiences.
And so, with your own children,while it can be easy to recycle
those things or we're sayingthose same things that we heard
(17:25):
growing up like see, I told youthat was too much.
Too much candy, too much candyis going to hurt your body or
hurt your tummy or not make youfeel good Instead of resorting
to those things that we grew uphearing, this can be an
opportunity to get curious withour kids, to have some open
ended discussions and also justprovide them the safety and
reassurance that they need toknow that they can trust their
(17:48):
bodies as the best experts ofwhat they need.
And this is where I think somany of us repeatedly hearing
these types of messages orlectures from well-meaning
people in our lives form thenarrative that our bodies can't
be trusted, that our bodies arenot the ones that can guide us
through these situations, thatwe have to now depend on or
(18:09):
listen to external rules, and sowe start dissociating from our
own bodies.
And this is where those innateintuitive eating abilities that
we were all born with can becomesevered, which is why I do
think it's important to examinethat narrative.
What are we following?
What is guiding us in oureating choices?
And while it can be so easy torecycle those things, I know
(18:31):
that you are a cycle breaker andyou want to do differently for
your kids, and here, coming upin Halloween is a great
opportunity to do that.
And so with my daughter, whenthis happened with her, I just
asked her an open ended question, after empathizing with her
situation, like oh man, I'm sosorry.
I know that doesn't feel good.
Why do you think your tummyhurts?
(18:52):
And when we can ask those openended questions it really puts
it back on them to kind ofreconnect what just happened and
self discover what washappening in their body leading
up to that experience.
And when I posed this questionto my daughter, she made the
connection right away and said Ithink I ate too much of my
candy and so I'm just going togo ahead and answer that
(19:12):
question, instead of againsaying things like I told you so
or you shouldn't have done that, just allowing more curiosity
and discovery.
Because when our children makethis self-discovery, we don't
want to demonize overeating orwe don't want to demonize the
food itself, and we can do thatby sticking to those open-ended
questions, asking reflectivequestions and again providing
(19:35):
reassurance.
So with my daughter that lookedlike something along lines of
yeah, there was just so manyyummy candies.
And I know it can be hard todecide what you want to eat
Sometimes I eat too much and mytummy hurts too and just those
reassuring statements can helpour kids know that they're not
alone and that they didn't dosomething inherently or morally
(19:56):
wrong.
When we can sit in it with them, that can be so supportive and
then just transitioning to whatcan help us feel better, or what
can help you feel better, andposing it as an open-ended
question rather than providingthe solution right away.
Of course, as parents andcaregivers, we just want to fix
it.
We want to help our kids feelbetter, and when we can allow a
(20:18):
little bit of space for them toexplore that discomfort, it's
amazing what they can come upwith.
And in that moment my daughterdid say I think I need to drink
some water, and then later Ithink I need to go to the
bathroom, and that's why Ithought it was so funny that she
remembered that and said thosethings earlier when I had that
little conversation with her,that she remembered what made
(20:38):
her feel better in that moment.
And that's where we can offersupport and reassurance and our
safe presence for them, to letthem know that they're not alone
, and walk through it with themand let them move through it so
that it doesn't become thisnegative association but
something that they were able tolearn from.
And what's amazing is how ourchildren can remember these
(21:02):
experiences and it doesresurface in future-eating
experiences, and this issomething that I've seen with my
own children time and timeagain, when they've had those
experiences to understand youknow what?
That didn't feel good last time.
So let's do things a little bitdifferently.
When they can make thosediscoveries on their own, it is
so much more powerful for thembecause that becomes embedded
(21:25):
within themselves, and that is alot different than listening to
a lecture or listening tosomeone else tell you how you
should do something.
When they can actually walkthrough it and learn from it,
it's so much more powerful forthem.
And this is where I want toencourage you.
With the holidays on the horizon, many different sweets
(21:47):
experiences coming up, I wantyou to consider and ask do I
trust my child?
Am I allowing them to haveexperiences rather than lectures
, to discover what feels good intheir bodies and what doesn't?
Is there something that'scausing you restraint in how
you're approaching sweets withthem?
Do you feel uncomfortableseeing your child eat a certain
amount of candy or sweets?
(22:08):
Do you feel compelled to stopthem?
Do you feel triggered by it?
Do you feel it necessary tointervene, to put limits, to put
restraints on it?
Those are some hard questionsto ask, but things that can
promote some self-awarenessabout what might be coming up
for you.
And, instead of projectingthose things onto your child,
(22:28):
can you instead make it asituation where they can have a
learning experience, lean inwith curiosity what does your
child need to figure out whatfeels best for them, rather than
resorting to control orcriticism?
How can you support your childin this way?
Now, I do want to clarify thatthere is a lot of nuance to this
(22:50):
topic and, for the sake of thisepisode, I was focusing more so
on Halloween experiences andtrick-or-treating and the high
volume of sweets that comes withthat.
However, I am not suggestingthat we always give our kids
unlimited sweets at every eatingtime and not have any structure
or supportive way in whichwe're approaching food with them
(23:10):
.
That's definitely not what I'msaying, and that's why I just
want to reiterate that there isa lot of nuance here, and when
we're thinking about thelong-term strategy of how we're
approaching sweets and food inour home overall, we do want to
consider what is both supportive, within flexible structure, and
also responsive to what ourkids need in order to develop a
(23:33):
more positive relationship withfood, because all children are
different.
All children have differenttemperaments, different needs,
different personalities and waysthat they interact and
experience the world, and it'simportant to adjust for that,
and so I do want to acknowledgethat feeding is not a
one-size-fits-all approach, thatthere is definitely a lot of
nuance here.
(23:54):
I, more so, just wanted tohighlight on what I observe as
typical responses from adults tochildren.
Around holidays like Halloween,where there is higher access to
sweets and candy available.
It's easy to default to thisfood police mode, where we feel
like we have to be thegatekeepers of how much our
(24:14):
children eat and don'trelinquish control for fear of
our kids overeating.
And what I want you to thinkabout is that overeating is
sometimes the experience thatour children need in order to
learn about what feels good intheir bodies and what doesn't.
If you are fearful of yourchild overeating, whether it is
(24:36):
sweets or just food in general,you may be resorting to subtle
forms of control which do havethe potential to backfire.
And this is where it takes alot of self reflection and
curiosity as a caregiver toassess what am I doing and how
am I approaching feeding with mychild.
(24:56):
Is it from a place of fear?
Is it a place from distrust orthe belief that I can't trust my
child to regulate?
I have to be the one toregulate for them?
Those are important things tobe aware of because, again, that
can lead to controlling feedingapproaches, even if very subtly
, which does have the potentialto disrupt our children's innate
(25:18):
intuitive eating abilities.
This tends to come up aroundHalloween, which is why I wanted
to address it in today'sepisode.
If it's been your default tocontrol or portion or have rules
around your child's Halloweencandy, what might it look like
to expand on that or give them adifferent type of eating
(25:39):
opportunity that would allowthem to self explore that and
realizing that overeating is apossibility for our kids?
We also have to understand thatHalloween in itself is a novel
experience.
It's not in our kids' everydaynorm where they get this high
volume of candy all in onesitting and there's just a lot
of other things going on.
(26:00):
There's the excitement ofdressing up and
trick-or-treating or gettingtogether with friends or family.
There's a lot happening andthat can also contribute to the
ramped up energy around sweetsand candy.
But I just want to pose thequestion Instead of trying to
get your child to avoidpotentially overeating at all
costs and possibly engaging incontrolling feeding practices in
(26:24):
order to do so, what would itlook like to give them more
permission to lean into thesesituations with curiosity, to
give them unconditional trustthat you believe in them, that
you know that your kids have theability to figure this out with
a safe experience to explorethat and, yes, they might
overeat, but no, it will not bethe end of the world.
(26:46):
In fact, it can be an invaluablelesson for them in their
lifelong journey of discoveringwhat feels good in their bodies
and trusting their bodies as thebest expert of what they need.
And I realize that feeding ourkids brings up a lot for us as
parents.
It can cause so many things toresurface for us, and this is
one of those times wherewatching our child overeat can
(27:09):
bring a lot for you.
Up to the surface, it can betriggering, it can be
distressing.
We want to remember, though,that when these things happen,
those are our responsibility tolearn how to manage and explore,
rather than projecting thosethings onto our children.
So this is the conversation Ijust wanted to invite you in
today.
I hope it gave you some thingsto think about.
I know it's a nuanced andlayered topic, so if you have
(27:32):
any questions or insight orfeedback, I'm always all ears.
Would love to hear from you Ifyou would like some more real
time conversations with mykiddos to hear how we talk about
food and bodies.
Let me know to you I'm happy toexplore that and see what that
would look like.
Also, just a friendly reminderthat I am hosting a live
Halloween workshop on how tohelp your kids self-regulate
(27:54):
their candy and just make themost of this eating experience
so that you can alleviate anystress that might be coming up
for you.
I will link that in the shownotes where you can register for
free.
I'd love to see you there, asalways.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I'm so grateful for you andthankful that you're here and
part of this community.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of the Lift the
(28:15):
Shame podcast.
For more tips and guidance onyour motherhood journey, come
connect with me on Instagram atCrystalCargis.
Until next week, mama, I'll becheering you on.
Bye for now.
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