Balancing Act: Navigating Special Education, Motherhood, and Personal Growth with Ashley Felt

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Imagine leading a classroom of bright young minds while nurturing two energetic boys at home—sounds daunting, right? Meet Ashley Felt, a devoted mother and passionate teacher whose journey into the world of education was inspired by her own childhood experiences with an IEP. In this episode of Light Up Your Business, Ashley opens up about her role in special education, sharing her mission to empower students by helping them see beyond their current challenges. Through her heartfelt stories, we explore the delicate dance of maintaining a work-life balance in a demanding field, and how her personal life milestones, including celebrating her 11th wedding anniversary, have shaped her career transitions.

Ashley and I dive into the complex emotions surrounding self-worth and validation, particularly among women. Many of us struggle with burnout and the constant pressure to meet societal expectations, but Ashley's perspective emphasizes the strength found in seeking help and building supportive networks. We touch on how faith and internal validation can serve as anchors through life's trials. Join us as we dissect the power of embracing our unique strengths as women, the impact of self-comparison, and the cultural tendencies that challenge us to lift each other up in both personal and professional spheres.

Our conversation takes a deeper turn into personal growth, trust in relationships, and the crucial role of communication. Ashley shares candid insights on setting boundaries to preserve mental health and the importance of being present in relationships, whether they be familial or professional. She candidly discusses navigating the challenges of parenthood, the art of self-care, and the journey to rediscover personal passions. With practical tips, such as the power of morning routines and the necessity of boundary setting, this episode promises to leave listeners inspired to embrace their unique paths and foster healthier, balanced lives.

Say goodbye to overwhelm and self-doubt, and hello to confidence and success. Join the Faith Filled Coaching family today and step into the abundant future you've always envisioned.
Visit FaithFilledCoach.com to schedule your free 30-minute consultation. Let's make your business dreams a reality, together.

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Episode Transcript

Tammy Hershberger (00:01):
Welcome to the Light Up your Business
podcast, the show where we divedeep into the world of small
businesses.
I'm your host, ammy Hershberger, and each episode will bring
you inspiring stories, expertinsights and practical tips to
help your small business thrive.
Whether you're an entrepreneurjust starting out or a seasoned
business owner, this podcast isyour go-to source for success in

(00:21):
the small business world.
Let's get started to source forsuccess in the small business
world.
Let's get started.
Hello everyone, I want towelcome you back to another
episode of Light Up yourBusiness podcast.
Today I have a very specialguest.
One of my very good friends,ashley Felt, is here.
How are you doing today, ashley?
I'm doing great.
How are you?
I'm fantastic.
I mean, I'm better now thatyou're here.

(00:42):
I get to see your pretty face,that's fair.
How are you?
I'm fantastic.
I mean, I'm better now thatyou're here.
I get to see your pretty face,that's fair.
So today I want to talk toeveryone I always mention here.
You don't always have to benecessarily an entrepreneur to
be on this podcast.
Ashley is amazing to me becauseshe's a mom.
She is a teacher, which we'llgo into.
Her husband, jeremy, is a realestate agent and he's also a
teacher.

(01:02):
They're like little hustlersand I love that, and so I always
talk about the reality of howlife is.
Life is not always peaches andcream right.

Ashley Felt (01:10):
No, it's got its ups and downs constant.

Tammy Hershberger (01:13):
Yeah, and sometimes that, what's that
saying?
Take lemons and make lemonade.
Well, my lemonade is reallysalty.
Sometimes it's not so greatQuite sour, exactly.
So this is what we're going totalk about.
We're going to dig into allthis today and we'll just kind
of see where this goes.
So, ashley, tell my audience alittle bit about yourself.

Ashley Felt (01:28):
Sure.
So I am a mother of two.
I have a six-year-old and athree-year-old both boys Cutest
boys I've ever seen.
They are super fun, super busy.
I have embraced the chaos ofbeing a boy mom.
Never thought I wanted to be aboy mom, but it's the best thing
ever.
Um, I have a husband.
We just celebrated 11 years ofmarriage, congratulations, thank

(01:49):
you.
Amazing how quickly that flewby.
And then, like you said, I'm ateacher.
So on the free time that I have, I also fill it with teaching.
So, um, what kind of teacher?

Tammy Hershberger (01:58):
yeah, so I'm not talking only fans teacher,
I'm talking like a real teacher.

Ashley Felt (02:02):
That's where the money's at um I.
So I did a job change, whichmaybe we'll talk about later.
Um, but currently I am a fourthgrade teacher in an enrichment
program, um, so it's a hybrid.
For homeschool families.
They come to us twice a weekfor um additional teaching or
support from what doesn't happenin the class or in the sorry at

(02:23):
home, and then I also teach inmiddle school special education
and you call that sped, rightsped or special education.

Tammy Hershberger (02:31):
Yes, can we talk about that real fast?
And we're gonna divert fromthese questions as needed, but I
think that has to be.
You've told me some stories,but like that sounds like a
really tough job.

Ashley Felt (02:40):
Yeah, I mean it definitely found me.
Um, I relate with those kids inways that I never thought I was
one of those kids.
I remember having an IEP.
I remember wanting to just beso normal, wanting to just find
myself blending in with thosekids, and as an adult I've

(03:06):
compensated for so many thingsthat have come from that
background that I feel like it'smy way to just speak life into
these kids.
It's my way to say that this isnot your forever.
This support or these extraneeds that you have doesn't
define you.
It actually makes you a moreflexible human being.
It's a matter of using yourtools and figuring out a way to

(03:28):
just excel from there and,honestly, I'm a harder worker
because of it.
But it's taken years of therapy,it's taken lots of prayer and
time with my husband to reallyaccept that part of me.
It was something I was veryashamed of and I didn't want to
tell people that I was.
You know, I was a sped kid.
At one point I really struggledand now I'm like it's OK, it's
part of my story and it justreally truly drew me to those

(03:51):
kids that I have and I just yeah, I don't know, I just it found
me.
It wasn't anything I everwanted to do, it being I'm a
special education teacher.
But I mean, I feel alive whenI'm with those kids and my life
is truly to speak life into themand my job is just to let them
walk out higher and believing inthemselves than ever before.

Tammy Hershberger (04:12):
I mean, that truly sounds like a higher
calling from God.
In my opinion, the way youdescribed that, you can tell
your passion is there and you'rechanging these kids lives.
You're not just like here'ssome math, now get out right.
I mean that's how I'd be, likeyou can't do two plus two Go see
Ashley.

Ashley Felt (04:25):
But well, and it's so funny because it's like and I
teach middle school, which isnever what I wanted, but they're
amazing I started out withsignificant support needs, so
those are students that arereally impacted and they need a
lot of help, and so that'sreally where I started with it.
I was a paraprofessional in theclassroom and sadly, it took me

(04:50):
being a paraprofessional to belike oh, I can be a teacher.
This is great, and so that'swhy I pursued teaching.
But those kids were amazing andtruly have the biggest slice of
my heart.
But I struggled with work lifebalance when I worked with that
population.
Getting pregnant with my firstson is really what forced me to
find the work life balance.

Tammy Hershberger (05:04):
What can I ask you what that looks like?
I understand work-life balance,but I'm not a mother, so that's
a whole nother like holy crap.
Uh, what does that look like asa mom?
How do you even do it?

Ashley Felt (05:13):
Um sure.
So I guess, if I go backwardswhen I was talking about not
having work-life balance, beforeI was a terrible wife, I was a
terrible friend.
I mean, am I great now?
I guess the day it depends onthe day if we're honest, I can
vote and say you are a greatfriend, but you know it's always
there's more of you to give.
But I poured so much into myjob so when I was with the

(05:34):
significant support needsstudents, they required so much
of my time, my energy, my love,my whatever, that I poured
everything into it.
By Wednesday I struggled goingto work and by Friday I was in
bed by five o'clock.
We weren't gonna go do anything.
I was too exhausted.
I wasn't, you know,contributing at home and I was

(05:55):
quite.
No, it wasn't nice to be around.
My husband was so sweet aboutit, but the Ashley then was not
the Ashley I wanted to be, but Ididn't know how to just say
like I can give you enough.

Tammy Hershberger (06:07):
It's really I'm kind of imagining what I
went through.
It's mentally and emotionallyexhausting, right, and probably
physically, because that affectsus physically so much, correct?

Ashley Felt (06:16):
Yeah.

Tammy Hershberger (06:17):
Yeah, so what ?
What made you change there?
What, what happened that gotthe revelation of like this
isn't working.

Ashley Felt (06:22):
Yeah, I had a principal.
He was phenomenal Come to meand say, hey, I think you might
need to go talk with somebody,and I was like, wait, what I'm
doing such a good job.
And he's like, exactly Like Ican see how tired you are, I can
see how stressed and burnout,like I think it's okay to seek a
counselor.
And we had that within our job,we had those resources, so I
really sought the counselor andI really it was interesting

(06:45):
enough.
It was like the entire sessionsthat I went to it was like we
identified the burnout, weidentified what wasn't healthy
and we identified the inabilityfor me to walk away.
So it literally became breakingup with my job.
So we yeah, I mean that's whatshe called it and it was like
every session was like talkingabout like what is life giving

(07:06):
and what is taking away and howcan you walk away from this job
and it not be a failure Causethat's why I viewed it as as if
I was going to do this until Iwas forever, you know, old or
dead, and if I walked away, itwas a failure and it was just
going to go back to thosechildhood issues of I wasn't
good enough I to go back tothose childhood issues of I
wasn't good enough, I had an IEP.
I'm stupid, so I mean figuringout that it wasn't a failure.

(07:32):
It's okay to pivot, it's okayto step back and say that this
is not giving life.
It doesn't mean I don't lovewhat I do, it doesn't mean I
don't love those populations ofstudents, but it wasn't
benefiting me as it was as awife at the time, a friend, and
I wasn't, I mean, pregnant, Iwas pregnant with my first and
that was really when I startedseeing things with other points
of view, because this is now mychild.

(07:52):
Like I needed to protect mychild.
It wasn't just my body, yeah,from the stress, yeah, the
stress, and then just there wasa lot of physical um, it wasn't
intentional, but you know, atthat younger age a lot of
students are still working onverbal and they might not have
the ability to speak.
So you know, there's a lot ofum tantrums that happen, that
are physical outbursts that arenot intended, but um, until you

(08:15):
have the language and theability to express what you need
.
It's like you gave me thepurple cup.
I wanted the yellow cup.
You're an idiot.
Now I'm mad, you know.
And so it was there.
I mean, that's the simplest wayto put it, but, um, there was a
lot of physical stuff and itwas just exhausting and draining
.

Tammy Hershberger (08:29):
Now, in your current position, do you still
have as much Cause?

Ashley Felt (08:32):
you're older Um so yeah, no, so I've, I've, I've
been at five separate, fivedifferent schools, so I've done
a little bit of.
So I was burnout, I should.
I guess I should rewind andtell you.
I was burnout and so I was likeI had the opportunity to change
schools.
So instead of walking away fromthe SPED altogether, as a
teacher, I changed schools totry a different school, a
different everything.

(08:53):
And that was when the principalthere said, hey, after a year
in, like, let's look a littledeeper and see what's going on.
And then now I work withmoderate needs students.
So those are students that arejust need a little extra help.
So whatever subject or area isa little harder for them, it's
giving them extra support andtools to be able to access the

(09:14):
things that they need to besuccessful.

Tammy Hershberger (09:17):
Do you find that that's less stressful than
the ones you were dealing withthat are more developmentally
challenged?
I guess that's maybe the way tosay it.
Yeah, I mean, I think it's moreit's got.

Ashley Felt (09:27):
It's just totally different.
I think it's a different levelof stress, but the ability to
walk away is a lot easierbecause it's not taking as much
out of me.

Tammy Hershberger (09:35):
Yeah, can we talk more about burnout?
Are you open to that or no?
Sure, okay.
So for you, changing theposition, the school, what else
did you do in your life?
Because I think so many of us Imean, I went through it myself,
but there's people listeningthat are in.
I know people I'm working within my coaching business and my
bookkeeping business thatthey're all burned out and
they're at different ages oflife, different stages of

(09:56):
business.
What other tips can you say foryou helped?

Ashley Felt (10:01):
I think you have to first identify it, and there
was so long that I didn't wantto call it burnout.
I didn't want to say that I wasstruggling because, again, I
saw it as a weakness.
I should have the ability to besuccessful.
I, I, I, I.
And so it's identifying it andthen it's finding your support
system, that it's not you havingto carry it.
You have a support systemaround you for a reason and they

(10:25):
want to be involved in itbecause they see you sinking,
they see that you are struggling, but until you invite them in,
not only are you not receptiveto it, but it's also, um, I
think they don't really know howto approach it, because there
was so many times I'm sure I wassnippy with my husband when he
was like hey, ash, like maybeyou should go do this, or you

(10:46):
look like you're tired and I'mlike I'm not tired, I can do it.

Tammy Hershberger (10:49):
Like which is not okay.

Ashley Felt (10:50):
But so I think it's .
I mean identifying the stress.
You've got your support systemand knowing that help is okay,
whether it's friendships,professional, whatever, like
it's not a weakness, it's a tooland it's like you use tools.

(11:11):
I mean anything else and that'swhat my husband would always be
like if you have a broken arm,you would go get like a cast on
it, so like if you need, butwhether it's medication or if
you need counseling, like it'sjust helping you be successful
and it's that, and like thingsthat are internal, are hard to
see.
But if you're burnt out orburning out, it's like
identifying it, calling it out,finding your support system, and
then I mean my faith is myfoundation and everything, and
so really just seeking the Lordin that and taking time to

(11:34):
really just, I think rest andrest becomes such a thing that
doesn't happen in our cultureand we don't have time.
We don't have time.
But it's like if you can justtake that time and rest and just
sit in his presence, you willbe filled up, you will get the
direction, you will get thecounsel that you need yeah, and
I think it's so interesting meand you are so similar in the
fact that like so I don't.

Tammy Hershberger (11:57):
I was pretty young when I had to have extra
help in school I've I mean it'sembarrassing sitting here.
I failed kindergarten.
I was so not socially ready notthat I was dumb, but I just
wasn't.
No one really worked with me asa kid and then, as I got going,
I eventually got through thatand I excelled.
But through all that stuff likeI still that's stuff I've been
working with in my therapy islike you are enough.
Like that's how I got my messwith the window business.

(12:17):
I burned myself out therebecause I was always trying to
prove myself.
For me it was if I prove I'mexcellent in business and we're
going to keep doubling, we'regoing to keep doing all these
things that I have worth, I havevalue, and it's like that is
the wrong place.
I need to find it in the Lordfirst.
I need to find it myself andthen like reminding myself
constantly that, like I, otherpeople don't have to validate
who I am, because I am thisperson in Christ.

(12:38):
I am an amazing woman, I am agreat wife, right, and it's so
interesting how our childhoodslike change that or like it's
our perception in ourselves andI think I see it in women all
the time.
Um, that we just we don't getit that.
We're amazing the way we are.
God made us special the way weare.

Ashley Felt (12:54):
Yeah, I mean, I gosh, my brain is going in so
many directions right now, butit's so nice to feel validated,
even in this conversation, thatyou had the same verbiage going
on in your head.
I'm not enough, enough enough.
And it seems like, culturally,like you said, women struggle
with that and it's interestingthat I think it's because we
value things based on anacademic standard that doesn't

(13:18):
define all of us.
I mean, whether we can doalgebra doesn't make you a
functioning adult.
Whether you can do this doesn'tmake you a functioning adult.
But for so many times I knowsomebody in my own life that
like struggled throughout schoolbut he can build a house from
the ground up and I look at himand I'm like you are an amazing

(13:38):
human being, but like theverbiage that goes on in his
mind of you know I've heard himsay I'm stupid, I'm not good
enough, or and like that personwas so strong in my life to see
them struggle with theirself-worth, I think made it hard
on me because I looked at themand I'm like you're the most
amazing person, like you are sostrong and so capable.
So it's just interesting.
I don't know.

(13:59):
I don't know where it comesfrom, but I mean, I think
obviously there's influence Imean demonic influence of if we
can tear down your self-worth,then you don't have your ability
to be everything that you werecreated to be and be what you
were made to do as far as tostand your ground and to
accomplish that you what you'vebeen created for.

(14:19):
But I also think, culturally,like we, we look for our
validations in all the wrongplaces.
Absolutely like I've beenmarried for 11 years, I have the
most patient, loving, genuinehusband.
Even though he tells me I'menough or he tells me these
things, it's just like I don'tbelieve it, which is not okay,
because there should bevalidation in that relationship
more than any relationship yeah,it's true.

Tammy Hershberger (14:41):
And then we look at other people and we're
comparing ourselves.
I don't know how men are Idon't hear that from men, but
I'm sure it's a little bit inthere.
But I know women because I'm awoman like we always want to
compare, like oh, how's I'm?
I mean, if I compare myself toyou, I'm like, okay, well, I'm
failing.
I don't have a family.
I'm failing because you know,I'm not this amazing.
I don't have no patience.
So I'm like you're amazing, Iget fired from sped.

(15:03):
They'd be like get the hell out.
But at the same time I'm likewhy would I do that?
I try really hard to notcompare because we're so
different.
But I see so much beauty in you, ashley, and like how amazing
you are.
You're a fantastic mother and,like I for most of my life was
too freaking scared to be a mombecause I was like I'm gonna
ruin these kids.
I have no patience.
I might be abusive I mean Ican't imagine that I would but
like, because I grew up inabusive home.

(15:24):
Um, sorry, I don't know whythis phone keeps going.
I have it on airplane andeverything.
Somebody needs you.
I get a spanking when I gethome.
No, anyway, um, but so if youlook at that like we got to stop
comparing ourselves toeverybody else yeah, I'm trying
to keep up with everybody else,and that, again, is the same
thing.
Like I was, I'm in a man's worlda little bit, and especially in

(15:45):
entrepreneurship and especiallyin that window business.
We got into some programs thatwere fantastic, but it was more
I don't.
I didn't see very many femaleownerships in there, and so I'm
competing with these men who arelike men are different, they
are built different than us.
I don't do agree on that.
Oh, a hundred percent well, youkind of help with that, because
I sometimes get myself in theweeds there.
But I'm like God made men Imean we're.
I'm not saying they're betterthan us, but God made men strong

(16:07):
.
They are emotionally builtdifferent than us.
I don't think they're quite assoft as us, because I think they
have to be the head, they haveto lead this family and get us
sometimes through the toughstuff, even though women are
freaking amazing.

Ashley Felt (16:17):
I'm not saying that , but Well, I think that, like
women, like we're detailoriented, we're nurturing.
I mean, I've been listening toLisa Turk yes, turkist, yes, I
love her.
I've been listening to herFight for the Female podcast and
it has blown my mind and I justpicked up her book and it's
about like if we can operate inthe giftings of being a woman,

(16:41):
what we can accomplish isendless.
But we are trying to take onmasculinity and we are trying to
live in a man's world when wewere created to be in our own
world.
Like if we could just stay inour um giftings and in our what
we were created to do, we wouldbe able to accomplish endless
things.
But it's like we're almostadapting to do what we think

(17:02):
needs to happen, which it's likeso easy to like, you know, tear
a man down.
I mean, especially in ourculture.
It's like I used to be able tomake a joke and it was like I
could cut you down reallyquickly and I didn't realize it
until later, stepping back andlooking at those faces, like it
was super funny but like thatwas their self-worth and that
was not okay.
But it was also bringing thosemen down to my level.

(17:24):
So I felt like I was no longer,um, they were no longer
superior.
So it's like, how do we buildpeople up, how do we build men
and women up in our lives sothat they are walking in the
calling in life that they'resupposed to be, without bringing
them down?
I mean, I've I've heard a sayingthat something like celebrating
other success isn't um failureto you.

(17:46):
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Cause it's like that comparisongame.
I mean, I've really steppedaway from social media.
I'm still on it here and there,but you know, comparing like oh
, we had this great vacation,but oh, susie, over there they
went to the Bahamas.
And like we can't even go toMcDonald's right now and afford
it.
Or you know, they got thisbrand new, this.
Well, what we have isn't goodenough.
So it's like that comparisongame not only like steals your

(18:09):
joy, but you never findcontentment.
And it's also like I have tobring you down to feel good
about myself, and that's notokay either.
But in comparing like, oh well,at least I'm not like her or at
least I don't have this issuewhich is all of a sudden
elevating you and your mind, butit's not, and we do it as women

(18:31):
.
All the stinking time I work, Ihave it more in my brain as far
as my inside talk, but I trynot to in relationships, but I'm
sure it happens.
I'm sure that you know I'mtrying to.
Yeah, I think it's just aninsecurity that we're trying to
mask, really, and in building,building or tearing you down,
it's going to build me up, whichit doesn't.

Tammy Hershberger (18:49):
No, and yeah, I think you're right about
stepping into the role of awoman because, well, you a it
depends on your role model as amom or as a woman.
Right, and I for myself, I sawand this is my mom's passed away
, so hopefully she's not gonnaroll in her grave over this one.
But but I look at it, I'm likemy mom was strong, but she was
insecure at the same time, right, like she just kept marrying
men that would beat the crap outof her and it's so unfortunate

(19:10):
to me and I'm like that's notgood.
And so, for me, I got this hardexterior of like no, I've
changed my mind on this, butgrowing up, men were hard, they
beat you up, they didn't takecare, they didn't protect you.
I didn't really have a dadgrowing up.
So I even struggle with likeGod the father.
I'm like the bible says he's allthese amazing things, but I
don't know what that's like.
I've never experienced that inthis world and that's all I have

(19:31):
to go off of.
So I struggle with like does hereally care about me?
Is he really going to protectme?
And so then I go into mymarriage thinking like I'm the
boss here, man, like I'm goingto wear the head of the home
Because in my tweaked up mindwhich I look through these, you
know, glasses that are not clean, and I'm like men are mean to

(19:54):
you, they leave you, they don'tprotect you, and so then I don't
always let my husband be manright Like, and I have a soft,
lovely, amazing husband and hejust goes with the flow a lot.
But I'm like I have to remember, as I'm getting older, let him
we gotta start changing theroles a little bit, because I'm
too pushy and I try to be theguy but I think it's a survival
mechanism that you've learned,yeah, like, even though it's not

(20:15):
healthy, even though it's notright or the best, that is how
you survived.

Ashley Felt (20:19):
yeah, that's how you got yourself to the point
where you made some veryintentional choices to not want
to repeat poverty, yeah, to wantto be a business owner, to want
to be successful.
It was kind of made you the badA that you are, but it's also
learning to have that, um,intimacy or that softness in the
relationship that you need, andit's in your marriage.

(20:41):
I am right there with you.
I have we have very similarhusbands that are so patient and
kind.
And you know, sometimes I'm alittle like too harsh or hard
exterior and I don't realize ittill later.
It's like I'm pushing you away,but I really want you to come
near.

Tammy Hershberger (20:54):
Yeah, isn't that interesting.
We have that softness inside ofus because I had this
conversation with my ex-businesspartner one time.
He was like you are alpha, andmen are alpha typically, and I'm
alpha and he's like, in in thebusiness partnership it was
struggling because I'm trying topush the train as the alpha,
yeah.
And he's like, can't you everjust be a female and just let me
do something?
And I'm like, no, I don't knowwhat that's like, but it's trust

(21:16):
issues.

Ashley Felt (21:16):
Yes, it is and I mean like in that business
relationship it was trustingthat he's gonna do what he's
supposed to do.
True, in my own marriage we'vehad this conversation a lot.
It's like trusting that you arethe man and that you are going
to provide that you will dowhatever you need to for our
family to be successful.
Because it's like a lack oftrust.
And now my husband's never doneanything to break that trust.

(21:37):
But I have huge abandonmentissues.
I don't know where they camefrom, but I can identify like
from day one I thought he wasgoing to leave, yeah, and like
he has never done anything toever ever make me think that.
But instead of like embracinghim and protecting him and
protecting our relationship, itwas like I'm gonna push you away
because I'm gonna get hurt.

(21:58):
So the further you are are away, the less I'll be hurt, which
is not true.
That is so like that just hurtsus more.
So I mean we've grown andchanged so much.
Like I said, said 11 years ofmarriage.
Thank you Jesus, he is apatient man.
I mean I have really worked onme and I mean we all have our
issues, but in the last fiveyears I've really began to
identify these, having kidsactually flipped the mirror on

(22:20):
me and said what Ashley, whatthought was normal and healthy,
isn't anymore.
Like having my kids was themost accountability I ever
needed.
Like having my sweet little boywho was mimicking mom and I was
like, oh, I don't want you tomimic that like it really helped
me begin to like think is thesemy characteristics and what I
want my children to be?

(22:42):
is this the mom I want them tohave?
Because for so long I acceptedit like this is just who I am,
like I, I mean like I'm I'msassy and like I'm strong-willed
and I'm dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
But then I was also like, indoing that it wasn't edifying my
husband.

Tammy Hershberger (22:56):
And that doesn't build them up and then
it doesn't.
I mean they say, like when you,you get what you put out right.
So if I'm pushing you away,it's so interesting.
I'm gonna go back to that for asecond, because I'm like we do
that all the time, like I pushyou away but secretly I'm
wishing you could just come takecare of me.
And I still have that today.
As the alpha.
I'm like I got to be alpha inbusiness because you get, you

(23:16):
get pushed around, especially ina man's world.
But at the end of the day I gohome and sometimes I'm like I
wish I didn't have to be thealpha here.
I want to just let my husbandhandle the money and I want to
let him just take care of theproblems and I don't want to
have to always plan thevacations and like can you just
baby me once in a while?
Because I think we do have thatas women.
We have that soft heart andthat intimacy we want.

Ashley Felt (23:34):
And and for me I struggle because I'm like I
still have to be the tough assall the time yeah, and I think
it's communication and we'vereally worked on that like we're
not where we need to be in ourrelationship.
But there'll be times I'll lookat him and be like I need this
from you, like I'm struggling, Ineed this from you and instead
of being pissy like you shouldhave read my mind you should get
what I'm struggling with andI've really worked on that.

(23:55):
Communicating or like this iswhat I'm struggling.
I'm struggling and trusting youin this, and I know it's not
okay and I know it's not you,but I need to just say it out
loud so that I'm not carryingthat with me, that I'm not
carrying that with me and heresponds well to that.
Yeah, I mean he'll be like well,that's not true.
I mean, sometimes, you know,you know there's times that it's
not always well receivedbecause it feels like an attack
on him, and I've had to be like,hey, it's not you.

(24:16):
This is my perception, this ismy baggage, this is my struggle.
But I want you to know and Ithink also, like the men being
the fixers, it's hard sometimesto hear it, because then they
want to jump in and fix it andit's like I don't need you to
fix it, I just want tocommunicate as my partner, like
this is what I'm thinking.
Um, so it goes.
I mean, sometimes it doesn't gowell, but later we'll come back
and talk, talk it through.

(24:36):
I mean, we're, you know, in itfor the long haul and I
appreciate that he's so groundedand, like, willing to fight for
marriage, and I think we'reboth so stubborn we've always
joked.
That's why we're still married,because we're so stubborn like
we got married.
We're gonna stay married, we'regonna figure this out where
it's like I thought marriage wasgonna be easy but I think
that's the reality.

Tammy Hershberger (24:55):
People want the perception I have a perfect
marriage.
Yeah, I've never had a fightand I'm like that's complete
bullcrap and that's why Iappreciate women like you and me
who get out here and we're likeit's, this is real.
Yeah, I am lovely and godly andamazing.
But I also have all thesestruggles because I know down
while everybody listening,there's something they're
struggling with.
We all have it and I think themore, like you said, culture,
the more we're open about it andhonest.

(25:16):
Same thing with mental healthget help, go out and find.
You know you don't have to sitthere and struggle.
You don't have to.
You know, have a marriagethat's miserable.
You can work on it and as longas you're willing to do the work
, sometimes it gets better.

Ashley Felt (25:27):
Yeah, and I think it's just finding those safe
people in your life.
Like we all have issues, we'reall broken.
We're not perfect.
That's what makes us human.
But it doesn't define you as aperson.
It doesn't make you less thanto say like, hey, I'm struggling
with anxiety, or hey, I reallyhave these really not great
thoughts in my head.
Or hey, like I'm strugglingwith control in this, like it's

(25:48):
okay to name it and find thesolution and help, because for
so long I think we felt like Imean, I thought my marriage
would be over if I said some ofthis stuff like he's not going
to want to be with somebody,like this, or this friendship is
not going to work, or thisbusiness partnership is not
going to work, but really it's,you're sinking, you're sinking
and everybody knows that untilyou name it and you get the help

(26:08):
, you're not going to be able tojust stand your ground and be
successful.

Tammy Hershberger (26:12):
Yeah, the avoiding is what I think
destroys things.

Ashley Felt (26:15):
Absolutely.

Tammy Hershberger (26:15):
Because I know, I mean, for years my
marriage was really good andthen we started avoiding talking
about stuff and we just kind ofwere so mad at each other.
We just kind of stopped talkingabout real stuff and then it
just got worse, just got worse.
Same thing in my business wedid really good when we'd always
talk about like we'd havemoments and we're very different
and we come together, havemeetings like the hash out the
problems and we'd be better.
By the end the communicationdied and my other side would not

(26:36):
talk to me anymore and it waslike, well, now we can't, you
can't move forward withoutcommunication.
And I think it's good to knowthat you can talk to the people
around you and you have friendsor your family or you know you
want people that are safe, thatare not going to go blab your
business to everybody.
But I think I always feel likeGod tells me who my friends are,
like he'll show me, they'regoing to be around, they're
going to be there for me,they'll open up.
Because if you're opening upand the other people won't, well

(26:59):
, what's that?

Ashley Felt (26:59):
you know it's not, it's like a surface friendship,
yeah, and I was trying to thinkour pastor was talking about
like identifying those friends,but also like making sure that
you are life-giving in that.
Like asking that friendship,like hey, like am I a chronic
drainer or am I a life giver?
And being willing to receivethat, like calling out who are

(27:21):
those close people in your lifeand making sure that you are
giving life back to them.
And guess what?
We've been in the draining,we've all been there.
So being willing to receive itand be like, okay, I'm going to
really work on when I talk, thatI'm being positive or that I'm
not doing X, y, z.
But yeah, I think communicationis huge and it's.
You know, I don't know myhusband is so opposite of me but

(27:42):
nonetheless, we've had tofigure out what works to
communicate and me just likeword vomiting all over him when
it's bedtime does not work,because that's good for me.
I just want to drain all mythoughts on you and he's like
I'm half asleep, yeah, sofinding the appropriate time to
communicate is huge now as faras I have to bring your boys
back into it again becausethey're growing so fast.

Tammy Hershberger (28:03):
Yeah, how is a mom and I'm just this is a
question for me because I'mcurious as a parent with your
marriage and all the stuff, withmom being stressed out in life,
and how do you navigate thatwith your kids, because you
don't want them to be involvedin it, but they do see stuff
yeah, it's so challenging.

Ashley Felt (28:20):
I mean I have messed up more times than I want
to admit and, like I said, whenI had kids was the most, the
best accountability.
I used to go through thesecycles of like I would like I
pour myself into my job, I wouldpour myself into everyone's
relationship or intorelationships, and then I'd
eventually just burn and I'd beso exhausted my husband would
scoop me up and put me in bed.

(28:41):
I would sleep a day or day andthen I'd be back back at it.
But it was this like really badcycle that I never understood
and I was so tired, so upset, Iwas crying, like almost
hyperventilating, and my sweetlittle one and a half year old
came and put a hug, like huggedme, and I was like, oh, my
goodness, this is not okay, butthis was just how I was.
A couple of times a year I justwent through this cycle, as I

(29:03):
called it, and so thatreflection of like I don't want
him to have a mom like this Do Imess up?
Absolutely.
Is it hard to havedisagreements with your spouse
and your kids around?
Absolutely, we try really hardto table it and just be in check
, like hey, the kids are here,let's talk about it when they're
not here.
But if they've seen, like, notsides of mom, great sides of mom
, I'm sure, but I think, justremembering that they are, are,

(29:29):
are big, why they're?
They're a purpose of what we'redoing in our lives, and just
trying to remember, trying tospeak life over them, um, but I
mean, there's been fears thereand I've had to really squash
those fears of like what yousaid, tammy.
I'm going to mess them up, likemy parents and my like when I
look back.
My parents did such a great jobparenting me, but I still have
issues and it's so scary becauseI don't want that to continue.

(29:53):
Um, and so really, just, Ithink, speaking life but also
putting the word in them.
I mean, my sweet littlesix-year-old understands Jesus
better than some adults.
He is the sweetest boy, ashley.
It blows me away.
We were driving by and he'slike oh, people have halloween
out, it's time for fall.
I was like, okay, tell me moreabout this, buddy.
He was like well, it's not okayto get halloween out because

(30:15):
we're still getting ready forfall.
Plus, mom, halloween is scaryand every time we drive past the
skeletons, like my boys arelegitimately scared.
My two three-year-old now criesand covers his eyes and says no
, and we're driving and Rockygoes.
Why would you even want to doHalloween?
That's the devil's birthday.

(30:37):
And I was like, oh, he's likewell, yeah, it's like darkness
mom.
So we might as well say it'sthe devil's birthday.

Tammy Hershberger (30:42):
And I was like whoa buddy.

Ashley Felt (30:44):
Okay, that's deep.
And so I think I mean honestly,honestly, my boys give me life
and wisdom right back at like,right back to me, and I feel
like like I don't know, I thinkjust I feel like I didn't even
answer your question, but like,doing life with kids is hard,
but I think it's keeping them asour focus.
I mean, we want to speak life,we want them to be amazing,
functioning human beings, and sohow do we do that?

Tammy Hershberger (31:07):
so I want to ask you this then so, being
there's the multiple facets here, so you are Ashley the woman,
ashley the wife, ashley thebadass teacher, and then you
have Ashley the mom.
How do you and I understand,nobody has all the answers to
that, but what?
What's the way to balance?
How do you not lose yourself asmom, lose yourself as a wife
and as your, your own self, andthen try to take care of all

(31:28):
that?
Well, I think those are gosh.

Ashley Felt (31:31):
I'm thinking we made some very intentional
decisions when we had kids.
My husband and I changed jobsso that we could have more time
with our kids.
Um, I went from the positionthat I had spoke of earlier.
I took a maternity leave, Um,and then I ended up taking a job
somewhere else and then Iactually worked for you at the
window business.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Tammy Hershberger (31:51):
Yeah, those are good times.

Ashley Felt (31:53):
And then I'm at the position that I'm at now, which
I truly feel like it was a Godgiven position that has never
been able to, I would have neverfound, and it truly gives me
work-life balance where I'm onlyworking a couple of days a week
.
Um, but we also took onhomeschooling my kindergartner
this year.
Oh how is that going?
It's it's been very challengingbecause I mean, like you said,

(32:14):
all these different hats that wewear as women and then you take
on children, that trying tofind that time for me, like it
depends.
I mean, two weeks ago I wouldhave told you it was the best
decision ever.
I'm so glad we did it.
Like literally all week my kidshave been screaming and crying
like to the point they'rebawling so much that they're
choking on their spit, and I'mjust like this is not fun, but

(32:37):
they're just exhausted.
So I mean, I guess, to answeryour question, I don't think I
do well with those differenthats.
I think there has to be someintentional time.
My husband's really good aboutbeing like hey, ash, you need to
go for a drive, or like, gobook a massage.
He's really good at calling meout when I'm getting to the
point like it's not good foranybody.
But I think taking time to gofor a walk or go in and just

(33:01):
read a book, shut the door.
I'll just tell the boys like,hey, I don't want you to have a
mom that yells, I don't want toyell.
I'm at the point that you'revery much frustrating me and
being disobedient.
Mom's going to go take atimeout, and so I'm shutting the
door and they're banging on thedoor and I'm like mom needs
five minutes.
So I think, just trying to giveyourself those boundaries, but
you don't do it well and youhave to blur all of those

(33:23):
different jobs into one person,and so I feel like it's just
like this juggling act that's onfire and you're just hoping
that like it doesn't justexplode.

Tammy Hershberger (33:33):
Yeah, cause I think about, like, from the
entrepreneur side.
A lot of men are men, typically, but I think about like they're
not home with their families,so they, so they.
You know, work is stressful atwork, but then it's so different
because you don't leave yourjob when you're especially a
stay-at-home mom or person, youknow, watching the kids and
doing school with them, andthere's no like, oh, I get an

(33:53):
hour lunch break and I'm gonnago have a coffee by myself, and
then I'm gonna go have lunch bymyself, and I don't know how you
guys do it.
I mean, I truly, I truly haveno idea how you do it.

Ashley Felt (34:02):
Yeah, I've had some conversations with friends that
are stay at home moms andthat's exactly like you just
identified it Like the struggleof never getting a true moment
to yourself.
Yet it's what you chose, orwhat I've chosen in the past,
but you almost have resentment,like you almost get resentful
for your spouse who gets to goto work and they're like what?
Like you're upset that I wentto work, but it's like if you

(34:24):
want to go pee, you go pee byyourself.
If you want to go get food, yougo get food.
Like you're making decisionsthat are independent to just you
.
Um, and I, actually, my firstyear I stayed home and I wanted
to be a stay home mom, and thatwas just with one kid at the
time and I realized I needed anoutlet.
So teaching is an outlet for me, like I go and I teach and I

(34:44):
feel like a different part of mecomes alive.
It truly just feeds me as aperson, but having the ability
to reserve enough for home.
So I think that you know it's.
It's also having that supportsystem of calling a friend and
saying like hey, like let's gofor a play date, or can you take
my kids for an hour so I can godo whatever.
So I think it's just havingthat community and being very

(35:06):
intentional.
In our community I mean we havesome family, we have a lot of
family support here, but we'vebuilt a lot of friends that have
become family.

Tammy Hershberger (35:13):
Yeah, no, I can totally see how that would
make a difference.
Um, as far as can we talk?
I know you don't love self-carebecause I understand you don't
have time, but I'm curious foryou as the mom and Ashley the
woman, like what is self-care?
Can, what is something youenjoy doing that like actually
fills you back up and doesn'tjust deplete you more?

Ashley Felt (35:32):
I wish you guys could see my face.
It's something I really I'vewell.
First of all, when I gotmarried, I lost myself, like
there's a whole story there.
But I was trying to beeverything I thought a perfect
wife was supposed to be, and indoing that I gave up so much of
what my passions were, who I was, and I think you become one
when you get married.

(35:52):
But I was trying to do what Ifelt like was right.
And then being a mom on top ofthat was even harder.
So we had a conversation, myhusband and I, I don't't know
six months back, and I'm bawlingand I'm like I don't even know
what I like to do anymore, andhe's like well, just go do
something.
So I think it's really a matterof like again identifying that

(36:13):
you don't know what you enjoyand start picking things up.
The nice thing is our boys area little older, so we went and
did pickleball and that wassuper fun.
I love pickleball, do you'll?

Tammy Hershberger (36:22):
have to try.
I have a whole thing.
I just I went.
When I went to Minnesota.
My whole family was into it, sowe were doing it every day, and
now I've been back and Ihaven't done it, but I love it.

Ashley Felt (36:29):
All I know is you hit the ball over the net, which
I can do, so I think it's just.
I don't even know.
Like, with self-care, like hegoes to the gym every day,
sometimes twice a day.
Do I think it's important?
Yes, but we've gotten, I've hadheated words over it.

(36:50):
I've gotten upset because I getjealous instead of being like,
yay, good for you.
I'm like are you kidding?
Like how do you have the timefor that?
And instead of like figuring itout, he's like Ashley, I just
make the time.
This is important to me.
So I make the the time, but Idon't know how to make the time,
and it's something that Istruggle with in my own
personality and in myrelationships.
Like devotions are so importantsitting there reading the word

(37:11):
of God, getting filled up do Ialways do it?
No, but I notice when I don't.
Another self-care is I alwayshave worship music on, because
that is always feeding me as aperson.
It's usually the only thing Ilisten to, because I need that
life spoken over me.
But as far as true self-care, Istruggle with it because I
don't feel like I have a time,which is not true.

(37:32):
It's a mentality that I'vechosen to think I don't have
time.
You make time for what'simportant that is the truth,
ashley.
I love that you just correctedyourself and but then it's like
okay, so identifying is thefirst, action is the second.
Ashley, I love that you justcorrected yourself.
And but then it's like okay, soidentifying is a first, action
is the second, and so theaction's a little lagging.

Tammy Hershberger (37:47):
Yeah, cause I will tell you myself all.
That's how I got burned out,cause I just worked nonstop.
There was and I would say Idon't have time.
But I again was not intentionalwith my time.
So instead of saying I'm goingto go into the office a little
early and take my extra 20minutes and do more work Since I
went through my burnout and allthe craziness I went through, I
now and I've committed it'sbeen almost a month and a half

(38:08):
that I've been consistentlydoing it and I just love it.
So in the morning I take I meanI have an hour cause I have no
children, so I have an hour.
So but I'm like I put on mycalendar so I spend time.
First thing, I opened the Bible.
I read that because I alwayssaid I don't have time to read
the Bible.
That's why I was depleting sobad, because I would hear it in
church, but I wouldn't like therest of the week not doing

(38:30):
anything.
You know, I'd see scriptures orthings like oh, that's nice,
yeah, no-transcript, in prayer.

(38:51):
And then I go into my journaland I, you know, do my habit
tracking, because I and thisstupid little stuff like drink
water, I'm sucking at that.
I can't do it.
You don't have have time.
Exactly, I like that excuse.
And then it's like read.
I want to read a book every day, 10 minutes of reading, and
sometimes you think I have tohave an hour to do all this.
No, you can read for fiveminutes, that's, you can get a
lot done in five minutes If youtruly just take five minutes and

(39:12):
shut your mind off.
And then I always do one pageof free writing in my journal.
So it could literally I meanthey say, if you're like I hate
this, then I hate this.
I the dog's barking, right thatI mean if you have nothing else
coming out of your head.
But the more time I spend doingthat, the more I feel free in
my mind, because you're trappingall these thoughts in there and
sometimes they need to go onpaper, because I don't need to

(39:32):
blur all this to my husband,because sometimes he really
pisses me off right and insteadof me tearing him down, I'm
gonna let it out in my journaland then I'm good and I'm like
you know what.
That's good, I got that out,I'm not mad anymore or whatever,
or like just getting thoughtsout of like I.
This is a really cool idea.
I'm really excited about thisand I'm not ready to tell anyone
about it, but I want to get itout of my head or how you're

(39:59):
feeling or whatever.
And then I start to notice stuffand I gotten the word and I
call my anxiety and that's sogood, I call it.

Ashley Felt (40:06):
I call it a drain, a brain drain.
In the classroom I'm like getwhatever's in your brain and
drain it on your paper.

Tammy Hershberger (40:12):
Yeah, so you make your kids do it.

Ashley Felt (40:14):
Yeah, I mean it has .
It's been more of a likewriting and you know, creative
and whatnot but, yes, it's likeliterally, like it's not.
Don't get stuck on, just getthat pencil moving, Just
whatever you're thinking, don'tstop.
And I think it's like amazing,because you'll look back later
if it's in the devotion time.
You're like oh, thank you Jesus, this is good, or wow, I really
needed to get that out.

Tammy Hershberger (40:34):
I actually was just talking to someone else
about this, but I got into myjournal and I've done this my
whole life where I start one andthen I have one from like 2001
that's the same book I've neverfinished, because I start and I
forget.

Ashley Felt (40:44):
But which is really good for you because you're so
clean and organized.

Tammy Hershberger (40:47):
I'm impressed you still have it still very
pretty and I'm now slowlygetting to the end of it because
I'm doing it every day.
But I a page open.
It was 2022 and it was right,in the middle of all the
disaster I was in and I read itand I was crying reading it
because I was just you couldtell by my writing I was so
freaking depressed and I waslike I don't have any more in me
.
I don't think I can do thisanymore, yeah, and like I'm

(41:08):
reading it and I'm thinking like, oh my god, I was in such a bad
place.
And I'm looking today at likeI'm happy again, I love what I'm
doing, I'm finding my purpose.
And it's a reminder of, like,when you do the work and you're
honest and you, you know, get totherapy or write, just step
down or spend time just gettingstuff out and reading the Bible
how much it changes your life.
And to me that's like I wasthere but I'm here now and it's

(41:30):
a reminder.
God brought me through that.

Ashley Felt (41:31):
That's so good.

Tammy Hershberger (41:32):
So it's.
It's good to have thosewritings just for that Cause I'm
like it's amazing to see howmuch things change and it's a
reminder as I struggle in thefuture like it won't always be
like this.

Ashley Felt (41:42):
it's just a hard time right now yeah, and I think
it's just a matter of justtaking action, just taking a
step forward, like when you'rein those moments just just
believing that like there'ssomething better, like I'm just
gonna take that step forward andI don't.
I don't feel like I can do it,but I'm going to just take a
step that's the difference, Ithink, is you're willing to take
the step.

Tammy Hershberger (42:01):
And sometimes it's so scary and it's like
there was days I was like Idon't know how the hell I'm
getting out of bed, but I'mgoing to get out and I'm just
going to go face whatever todayhas, and some days I didn't do
it so good, but I showed up andI think showing up is the action
you have to do and God meetsyou in that action.

Ashley Felt (42:15):
Well, hey, like things are really crappy right
now, but I can figure it out,you know.
Like just showing up, takingaction, being like you know what
, I don't have a lot of life inme right now, but I'm going to
show up and I'm going to believethat someone's going to speak
some life into me, or justgetting dressed today is enough.

Tammy Hershberger (42:38):
It's a win.

Ashley Felt (42:39):
I mean, I felt that way.
I wouldn't say it wasdepression, but I felt that way
the last couple of days at home,Like I've been on the verge of
tears at work.
I've been on the verge of tearsat home and it's like my kids
are literally screaming at meand I'm like, okay, don't yell,
Don't yell.
Like I'm like literally havingthis conversation in my head and
I called my husband.
I'm like, I'm like I'm checkingmyself into a mental place or a

(43:00):
hotel and he's like pleasedon't do that.
Like you'll be okay.
But it was just like thatmoment of like.
I felt so depleted and notsuccessful.
My exact words were I'm notgood at anything, I'm not
successful at anything, and he'slike whoa, those are some
extremes.
But like I literally just waslike I don't even want to go to
work, I don't want to, I don'twant to wake up and do things

(43:26):
with these kids, do I love mychildren Absolutely.
But my thought was like, ifit's just going to be the same
thing, same as it was yesterday,I'm just going to, they're
going to yell, they're going tomelt, things are going to be
thrown.
It's not going to be a prettyday, but it's like just showing
up and being present, like you.

Tammy Hershberger (43:35):
Just you step forward, you, you step forward,
you fail forward, you figure itout yeah, and I mean I don't
know for you, but I just feellike sometimes in life we go
through these experiences andit's like why do I keep having
this same thought pattern or whydo I keep letting these things
happen?
And it's like I feel like God'stelling you you've got to keep

(43:55):
going through this because youhaven't learned it yet, you
haven't figured this out yetthere's still.
I mean, even through all thecrap I went through, I am
actually thankful for it becauseI'm starting to change as a
person.
I got into therapy to startdealing with some crap that I
didn't.
I just pushed away and I'mchanging myself as a person and
I'm like this I believe God hasa purpose for this because, to
what he has for me, my purposein life is helping people.
Yeah, and the more I can relateand connect and I understand

(44:18):
what they're talking about morethan just surface, the more I
can start to see thingsdifferently and then find ways
to help them.
Does that make sense?

Ashley Felt (44:25):
Absolutely.
And I mean, I don't know ifrealness is a word, but it's
like the more, the more that youare real and honest and raw
with people, that realnessreally brings that out of others
.
Like I think so often, likewe're afraid to just put our
guard down and just be honest,but it's like when you have that
vulnerability or that genuineperson, that like approaches you

(44:47):
in that it's like your likearmor falls down and you're like
, wow, I am so broken or I amstruggling, and there's that
connection and it's like you'reable to just see, like this is
my moment, this is my calling,this is why I went through this.
Is I get to speak life or I getto like help this person?
Now, helping this person isn'tdoing it for them and I've
learned that lesson.

Tammy Hershberger (45:07):
Like that is their thing, that is their thing
to walk out, but it doesn'tmean you can't encourage them
along the way yeah, that's whereI kind of went wrong on some
things, because I liked I wantto just like get them out of
their hole and be like come on,now let's go and like I'll make
it, I'll help you make it better.
And I've learned in therapy I'mthe rescuer and I can't do that
like I gotta let them gothrough it because I can drag

(45:27):
them all day.
They're not ready, they're not,they're not experiencing it on
their own, so they're not goingto really leave the hole because
that's comfortable to themthey're going to run back to it
as soon as they're.

Ashley Felt (45:36):
I mean, I literally went through the same thing
when I was in high school and itwas like I tried to be that
person's rescuer, like I triedto fix them because they were so
broken and in doing that I tookon their burdens.
Yes, it almost ruined me as aperson, like my ability to
function and have relationshipswas not there, because I
literally was carrying burdensof two people and trying to just

(45:57):
help them forward.
And it's like you said they're,they're, they're still in that
hole, whether you drag them outor not, until they're ready to
take those steps forward, youcan't do it for them.
You can love on them, you canpray for them, but you need to
have boundaries, and that issuch a strong word that we think
is a naughty word.
There's the book boundaries Ijust read it.

Tammy Hershberger (46:16):
Okay, I actually have.
I had kellen read it and I havemy clients gonna read it and
I'm sending it to my auntbecause I think that's the thing
I didn't.
I gave too much access tomyself and then I took on their
burdens, like you said, and Ididn't have those safe
boundaries of like, okay, ifyou're gonna do this, then I
have to put this boundary upright, because I keep thinking
like if I, if I care about youenough and I love you and I
protect you and I help you and Itake on more of your crap,

(46:37):
you'll get it and you're gonnabe like, okay, I'm gonna get
better.

Ashley Felt (46:40):
It doesn't work well, and I feel like boundaries
is like this naughty word andyou feel like you're not at
least my interpretation when Ihear the word boundaries, I feel
like I'm not being loving andI'm not being Christian to you
if I have boundaries.
But I mean I look at we weretalking earlier about just
family relationships andboundaries are good there.
It doesn't mean you don't lovethem, but it's what keeps me

(47:01):
sane as a person and what keepsyou healthy too.
And, like in the book, it talksabout building.
I think it's building a gate.
So it's like you, you put yourwall around, but you have a gate
and you get to decide whatcomes in and what comes out.
And so those boundaries, it'snot that you're shutting
yourself out, but you're sayingthis is what I can allow, this
is what I can offer, and it'sokay.
And you don't have to give allof those, all of yourself.

(47:23):
So, going back to that burnoutboundaries if you have
boundaries, your burnout abilityis going to go or the burnout
rate is going to go down,because you know how much you
can give and it's not a lackthereof if you don't give
everything.

Tammy Hershberger (47:36):
No.

Ashley Felt (47:36):
You're almost better for not giving everything
.

Tammy Hershberger (47:38):
Well, that's true.
You're a better wife, you're abetter mom when you don't, when
you're not completely burned out, because you have more patience
with them, right, I'm moreloving to my husband when I'm
not burned out.
I'm a better boss to myemployees because I can really
be in tune with what they'reneeding, how I can lead them,
right.
Yeah, and I think there's asaying good fences make good
neighbors and that's the samething.
There's got to be a littleboundary there, you know, and

(47:58):
like you said, have that gate,we can party and hang out, but,
like, sometimes you're gettingto be a little too much, I gotta
back up.
Or maybe I'm just going throughsomething and you're, you're
normal, but it's a little toomuch for me right now and I have
to back myself out.
And I liked in that book it wasgood boundaries and goodbyes,
right by I think that's named itby lisa turkett.

Ashley Felt (48:16):
I always say, oh so I read, there's an actual book
called boundaries oh, that's adifferent one.

Tammy Hershberger (48:19):
Okay, I'm sorry.
No no, but keep going, okay.
Anyway, it's really damn good.
And she's a believer and shebrings in like scripture of how
we don't have to as a Christian.
We're not bad people If we saythere's this boundary in place,
we can't, we can't do thisanymore.
And for me sometimes inboundaries was like I cannot,
I'm setting the boundary.
I did it the last year and it'shelped me five to five, 30.
I am leaving work and at myboundaries, I will not work on

(48:43):
weekends anymore because I don'thave children.
So I would work all hours ofthe night and on weekends.
And and now I would tell John,sorry, we can't, I can't go with
you, you can go on thatvacation, but I can't because I
have to work.
And so I'm setting boundariesto protect myself of like work

(49:07):
is not everything.
You know, I'm not going to dieand wish I had worked more.
That's not reality.
No, so true, and that's myboundary for my eight to nine.

Ashley Felt (49:09):
Sorry, kellen, don't book anything for me,
because I want that boundary toprotect me.
I need me time to build myselfback up, right when it's not a
bad thing, and that's what I'mhearing is those boundaries are
what has allowed you to bringyourself back to life, yes, to
be successful, to be able totake on the job that you are
doing now with the coaching.
It's the bound.
Like boundaries are almost likea God given ability, but we've
we've made them.
Like it's terrible.
Like it's terrible to haveboundaries.

(49:29):
It's terrible.
I've heard the saying like you,saying no is the first word that
a child says.
It's the last thing an adultsays.
Like the word no is so naughty,it's so dirty and it's like
it's okay because it makes youryeses even stronger.
Like I will be there.
I always used to say maybebecause I felt bad and I had
someone call me out like you'renot going to show up.
I'm like, wow, you're right, Idon't want to be there.
I'm going to say no, which wasreally hard because I felt like

(49:51):
I was letting you down as aperson.
But it's like it's okay to sayI only have so much to give here
and you're not showing up, likeyou said or not fully present,
and then you're half half askingit, basically, and so you are
better.

Tammy Hershberger (50:10):
You're being a better friend when you say I
can't do that or I can't helpyou with that, because if you're
going to show up and halfway doit or have an attitude about it
, you're not representingyourself the way you want to,
and so I think boundaries arefantastic, yeah.

Ashley Felt (50:24):
Like I was thinking I used to operate I mean now
I'd call it fear out of so muchfear, because I wanted to feel
valued, I wanted to feel loved,I wanted to feel enough, like we
said earlier.
So I never wanted to say no ifsomebody needed something from
me, because I didn't want themever to feel lack of value.
I never wanted them to everthink I'm not important, I'm not
loved.
But it's like it's okay to sayI can't give that right now.

(50:46):
It doesn't mean that I don'tlove you or value, and so I had
to really walk away from thatfear of saying no, because you
know what.
It's okay.
Those boundaries make you morepresent later.

Tammy Hershberger (50:56):
Absolutely, and it makes you more of an
honorable person in my opinion,cause, like you said, if I say I
say I'm gonna be there, I willshow up right and I will be
there and I'll give youeverything I got.
The other thing I want to askyou about is the end or so.
I learned this in therapybecause to me everything growing
up was so black and white,there wasn't a lot of gray okay
and I don't know, maybe you seeit different because you're with
the sped, there is a lot ofgray.

(51:16):
but I'm like, uh, so for me inmy business thing for, for
example, I'm like, well, I am afailure because this it didn't
work out for me, or whatever.
And she was like no, that's nottrue, I am successful because I
ran it for four years.
We did a great job and itdidn't work.

Ashley Felt (51:35):
My partnership we were just too different.

Tammy Hershberger (51:36):
We couldn't get it together, right?
Or like I love you and I can'tput up with you right now
because you're pissing me off,right, like there's these things
that go with it.
Or like I am I love you, butI'm setting this boundary
because it's encroaching on mytime, that I'm trying to save
for my husband or for mychildren or whatever.
Does that make sense?

Ashley Felt (51:51):
It does so then what was your question with the
black and white?
I guess I didn't follow thatpart, do you?

Tammy Hershberger (51:54):
see, like have you ever kind of approached
things that way?
Because I think it sets youfree from the butt, because she
always said get your butt out ofthe way.
Right, like for me, because forso long I was in my mind
because I ended up having toleave a business that I put my
life into.
It's like I failed guiltbecause this happened.
But that's not true.
You can hold two truths at thesame time.

Ashley Felt (52:19):
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does, and I think it'staking that guilt away.
I mean, it's like you're beingfully present by saying no,
because I need to be presenthere.
I struggle with that becauseI'm like but like, maybe we can
still go or what, especiallywith kids being invited
everywhere and not ever wantingto miss out on something.
But, um, yeah, I mean, I I'mjust still processing that, but
I think it's a really clean,clear way to approach things and

(52:41):
say I am choosing this, I amchoosing you and I'm going to
give you this full amount oftime and attention.
I'm going to put my phone awayand I'm going to be present
because I don't want to be herewith you.
While I'm on my phone and alsothinking about where else I
should be, like just giving yourfull presence and availability
when you say yes and theintention I think is really
great.

Tammy Hershberger (53:00):
I'm big on intention right now I'm working
on doing a whole podcast aboutit but being intentional with
your time because I think we dowaste so much time even though
we're busy totally, and thatcould be sometimes I'm so
mentally checked out, I'll spendan hour on Facebook and I'm
like I don't really feel anybetter.
But I checked out and some daysI just have to check out.
But then I started to realizelike well, instead of spending

(53:21):
an hour on Facebook, I couldspend 30 minutes and the other
30, I could take a hot bath, Icould do affirmations, I could
read a book that makes me happy,I can get in the Bible, like
there's things you can do to beintentional and, like you said,
being intentional.
But I'm going to say yes,because I have the time so I can
be intentional with making sureI spend quality time with you
yeah, I hear taking control backis what I'm getting like.

Ashley Felt (53:43):
I think it's taking control of your life back and
again.
Control sounds like a bad word,but it's being intentional,
it's being in control of yourdecisions and no longer letting
decisions be made for you, and Idon't think you have to be
gruff about that but like thesimple example of zoning out on
social media we've all beenthere, but instead of being like
you know what, I'm going to putthis away and I'm going to take

(54:04):
control of this next hour andI'm going to be intentional with
what is going to fill my cup upand is going to give me life.

Tammy Hershberger (54:12):
As a control freak, I love.
You just gave me a reason to bemore controlling.
This whole podcast has beengreat.
That's awesome.
No, I think that's great.
Um, I don't want to keep youhere forever, so do you have
anything else?
We, we hit the questions justin different ways, so I'm very
happy with that I just feel likeI'm just hanging out chatting.
I don't know this is whatconversations are like for me
and ashley when we hang out Iknow rabbit Rabbit trail rabbit

(54:33):
trail.

Ashley Felt (54:34):
No, I think it's just.
I mean, I really loveeverything we talked about and I
really think we talked aboutbuilding.
You know, identifying what isdraining you.
What is, what are youstruggling with in life,
identifying it, saying like,finding that support system,
finding that help that you need,realizing that it doesn't make
you less of a human becauseyou're struggling, because we
all struggle, and then takingaction.

(54:55):
You know, taking that firststep to change things.
And then we also just talkedabout showing up, being present.
Whether you feel like showingup or not being there, choosing
that I'm going to truly givemyself during this time because
you could have, like we weretalking about cell phones.
You go to a restaurant, lookaround, oh my gosh, majority of
tables have cell phones out andit's like the most heartbreaking

(55:16):
thing because they are notconnecting.
We are just just showing up andsaying you know, like I'm here
at the table to eat, but I'm notgoing to connect and have a
relationship with you.
And I mean I, my husband and Ihave had this conversation about
like there's going to be allthese new psychological
disorders that have come out ofsocial media I bet because
there's no true connections whenI think covid started it.

Tammy Hershberger (55:38):
And then the phones to me because I see these
little seven-year-olds withphones and I'm like what the
hell do they need a phone for?

Ashley Felt (55:43):
yeah, I've eaten my words with my children like
we'll never give them technologyand I will say, as a mom, like
you, there is times that youhave to have those breaks, but
it's also having thoseboundaries and also having those
limitations.
But yeah, but I think it'seasier.
I mean we jokingly say here'sthe babysitter because, that's
kind of what they've turned into.

Tammy Hershberger (56:02):
Yeah, and do you guys ever play games with
your kids Like real games, notvideo games.

Ashley Felt (56:06):
So yes and no, we do play video games.
They're still young.
The kids love video games.
We have a, a what do we have?
A switch?
Jeremy got a switch for theboys and they love that.
And then we have an old um,nintendo, super nintendo that
they love.
But board game wise rocky, ouroldest, who's six.
In the last year he's been ableto really start to understand
board games and that's beensuper fun.

Tammy Hershberger (56:27):
But our three-year-old we jokingly call
him the wrecking ball, becauseit's really hard to do anything
because he jumps in and he'slike, and so the game is
destroyed yeah, I hope, as theyget older, you can do that,
because even as adults as old asI am, sometimes when I go to my
family and we can sit and playa board game, I'm like it's so
fun because you interact witheach other, you're harassing
each other, you're joking around, and it's just so different

(56:49):
than like, oh, let's.
I mean, I play video games too.
I have a switch.
It's like a lost art though itis, and that's why I wish it
would come back a little bit butI think that's just being
intentional.

Ashley Felt (56:58):
Again, we used to tammy and I and our some of our
friends used to get together anddo games and it was just such
you would lose track of time,like time would fly by in the
best way possible yeah, I thinkjust getting off the phones and
that's gonna help our marriages,that's gonna help with your
children, friends.

Tammy Hershberger (57:13):
I mean, if we went out to lunch and all I do
is play my phone, I'd be likewhat the hell am I doing here
with Ashley?

Ashley Felt (57:17):
which has happened not with Tammy, but it's
happened before when I'm likewell, I stressed and I tried to
make this work, and then you'renot even present so what?

Tammy Hershberger (57:24):
was the point yeah, especially when you,
being a busy mom, take that timeto go.
Yeah, spend time with me and Iignore you.

Ashley Felt (57:30):
Yeah yeah, but I think it's just.
I mean, we really talked aboutburnout a lot today and I think
it's okay to hear burnout yeah,it's okay to admit it.

Tammy Hershberger (57:38):
So if you're listening and you're burned out,
you know, find someone to talkto, whether it's your spouse,
whether it's your family members, therapy, coaching, whatever it
is you got to do to get it out,and then find ways to get it
out.
I mean, be creativity to me,whether I always said I'm not
creative, the more I do it Imean I'm not an artist, but like
the more I play with my journaland creative journaling and

(57:59):
coloring or whatever the heck itis like, it does open up a part
of your brain.
That actually kind of frees me.
I'm like I'm type a, I'm in abox, and the more I get out of
that box I'm like I'm out ofprison.
It's so great you're likeletting it's like no longer
limiting you yeah, self-limitingis huge, so okay, well, ashley,
I really really appreciate youcoming on.
Thank you so very much.
Your husband's supposed to comehave a podcast and talk to me

(58:19):
about real estate.

Ashley Felt (58:20):
Oh, that'll be fun.
Let's see what you get out ofhim.

Tammy Hershberger (58:22):
And I'll get the man perspective of what's
really going on.
Uh, if you are listening,remember I have life coaching, I
have business coaching.
Um, you can find all that on mywebsite, which is
faithfilledcoachcom.
Thank you for checking me out.
I am on iHeart, spotify,youtube I'm kind of everywhere
that you can find our podcast.
So thank you for listening,like share and we will see you

(58:48):
guys next time.
Thank you very much, ashley.
Bye, and remember, in the worldof business, every success
story begins with a passionatedream and ends with a strategic
billion dollar handshake.
Stay ambitious, stay innovativeand keep making those deals
that reshape tomorrow.
Thank you all for tuning in anduntil next time, remember.
Proverbs 3.3 says let love andfaithfulness never leave you.
Bind them around your neck,write them on the tablet of your

(59:11):
heart.
That way, you will win favorand a good name in the sight of
God and man.
And remember, if you like whatyou heard today, click the
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