Leaving the High School Mindset: Dr. Velma Bagby's Insights on Mature Relationships and Faithful Love

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
I for not rushing with no man.
That wasn't made for me.
See, this love, we have gottabe tailored.
Big question with no man.
That ain't no fit for me.
Do you pray, cause I pray?
You want kids, I want.
Are you faithful?
Always tell me, can you send aring?
You can't unraque me with quiet.

(00:41):
Certain I'm a queen, me requirecertain things, and that's what
I pray for.
So that's what I wait for.
Dear God, come on, you'retelling me I'm gonna be ready.
Dear God, you do it for me.
I won't forget it.
My heart has been through somuch and I just wanna feel your
love for once.
And, dear God, I hope he'shappy Already here.

(01:05):
What if it's too?
I know he is.
I hope he's happy already here.
What if you do?
I know he is, I know he will.
Did God?
That's what I pray for.
So that's what I wait for and Ivow to be everything you need.
Share my life with you on theright.
You and I promise to supportall your dreams, but I gotta

(01:29):
know that you were made for me.
You want kids, I want a.
Are you faithful?
Oh wait, tell me, can you senda ring?
You a king, I'm a queen merequire certain things, and
that's what I pray for.
So that's what I pray for sothat's what I wait for that's

(02:18):
what I wait for.
But if it's him I know he is, Iknow he will dear God, dear God,
So that's what I wait for Tellone more person.

Speaker 3 (02:55):
Tell one more person if you're looking for somebody,
he's gone and you don't neednobody else.
There's no question of yourgreatness, no searching of your

(03:17):
power.
Oh, the wonder of your glory.
To you, for the years is butone hour.
Your knowledge is allencompassing to your wisdom,

(03:38):
there is no end.
For you alone are God.
You are God alone.

Speaker 4 (04:02):
Yes, yes, yes, hey y'all.
Hey, beautiful people, I justwant to take a moment to thank
each and every one of you forrocking with me during my
mid-season break.
I took that time to do someserious self-reflecting and work

(04:25):
on some exciting new projectsthat I have coming up, and I
appreciate your patience andsupport more than you know.
Now I am thrilled to welcomethe incredible Dr Velma Bagby
back to the Listen Linda show.
Today we're diving into a topicthat is so close to my heart,

(04:47):
but it just it revels in DrVelma's existence of who she is
as a person.
Dating and marriage no morehigh school mindsets.
This conversation is going tobe real, it's going to be raw,
it's going to be transformative.

(05:08):
So let's get into it Now.
Before we do, let's take amoment to center ourselves.
Dear Heavenly Father, we cometogether today with open hearts
and open minds.
We thank you for thisopportunity to share wisdom and
love with one another.
Lord, just guide our words andour thoughts as we go into this

(05:35):
important conversation aboutdating and marriage.
Help us to leave behind thosehigh school mindsets and step
into the growth and theunderstanding that you have for
us.
Lord, god, let this dialogue befilled with light laughter and,
most of all, learning.
We want to inspire each otherand everyone that is listening.

(05:59):
In your name we pray Amen.
In your name, we pray Amen, drV.
Are you there?
Hit the unmute button.
Love, I'm here.
Can you hear me?
Okay, I can hear you great, hey, mama V.

(06:19):
Hey, I'm so happy to be here.
Listen, linda was one of thefirst stations, radio, podcast,
host, magazine, editor, all ofthat One of the first to provide
me support, put their armsaround me.
So I'm excited to be with youtoday.
I really am, and I'm alwaysalways, always a pleasure to

(06:44):
have you to come on my show tojust tell these people to grow
up.
Ok, I love it.
I love it.
I love you Going back to Isaiah40 and 31.
Ok, come on, come on, come on,tell me what Isaiah 40 and 31
say.
I talked about Isaiah 40 and 31say.

(07:09):
I talked about isaiah 40 and 31on the podcast and and I gave
the definitions because peopleassume it says that that, um, it
, we want to grow up.
Right, is that what you justsaid?
Yes, it says they that waitupon the lord shall renew their
strength, they shall mount upwith wings as eagles, and what
we don't realize is I wasexplaining why the wait season

(07:29):
is just as important as the manor woman walking into your life,
because god does something inthat waiting.
So I called it wait w-a-i-ttraining.
Because the original languagefor they that wait, that word
wait in the original languagefor they that wait, that word
wait in the original languagemeans they that take strands and
tie and bind them together,they shall renew their strength.

(07:53):
And that original language thatsaid grow up.
So if you go back and look atit, they that take strands and
weave and tie them togethershall grow up in strength.
That's what it originally said.
And because what it says isjust like with your muscles.
Your muscles are strands too.
So you don't if you don'tstrengthen them and if you're

(08:16):
not building them, it's notgrowing strands, it's not
getting stronger.
What it's the same in the wayseason your strands.
Because faith is a muscle.
You have to get those strandsof your faith and start building
while you're in that season.
So you build those strandswhile you're studying, while
you're in prayer, while you goto worship, while you read the

(08:38):
word, while you're in meditation.
You're building those strandsand you're tying those cords
together.
Because in that weight season.
God is helping you to grow upbefore he presents that person.
Come on, she was talking toherself with a word and I ain't
even gave her no question.

(08:59):
I think you started it all.
Yes, that's it, and so we don'twhen we, when we really dig
deep into what it's reallysaying, stop complaining.
When you're in the wait season,stop complaining and know that
you dare to grow up and youthank god for your wait season.
Yes, ma'am, thank god for yourwait season.
It don't matter how tough itmay feel, that's right.

(09:22):
How, how sad you feel, how sadyou may feel, how down you may
feel, just continue to praisehim in that season, because you
know that it can't always benight.
There will be a time that comesthat the sun is going to shine
and when it does, he's going tobring you out victorious.
Victorious, and and knowingthat, we have to make sure that

(09:49):
we praise god and we thank godthrough it all, because we know
that it's a blessing after thelesson, girl, you're a different
person when you come out.
You, you've grown up.
You thank god.
You just know you'll be likelook, if I'm going through our
list, I know you guys.
Oh, it's gonna's going to bemagnificent.
The world is going to knowabout this.
No, but guess what?
Your kids?
do when you tell them no, no,wait until you're a little older

(10:10):
.
You're not ready for this yet.
No, wait, no, you got to wait.
I'll say yes in a couple ofyears.
You're telling your kids thesame thing all the time and
guess what they have to do?
They have to wait becausethey're growing up, to get to
the place where you can say, yes, it's the same for us, we're
growing up in that season, so sothat god can say yes when we've

(10:32):
grown up.
Yes, yes, praise god for thatministry.
Oh, we ain't even see, we ain'teven hit the surface.
Call me a, bla me in, cut me inblades.
That's what I'm talking about.
See, I love when Dr Bell wouldcome to my show.
I really, truly do, because shealways come with a word of

(10:53):
wisdom, but she always comesalso with experience and
knowledge and she's not agatekeeper, she's going to give
it to you, you know, and I truly.
And when she does, she does itwith love and I just truly
appreciate you for coming.
And, yes, I'm about to kick thekick it off.
So, dr velma, let's kick thingsoff with your amazing catch

(11:16):
series, because that's how allof this pretty much started.
So what inspired you?
For the people who may not knowwho you are, who this may be
maybe their first couple oftimes listening in on my show
for the let's see how manypeople we got in here today.
For the 29 people who arelistening right now, what

(11:38):
inspired you to write thesebooks and what key messages do
you hope readers take away whenit comes to dating and
relationships?
Well, I think what really gaveme what I needed to know because
, like any writer who'sbeginning in a new direction,
because my very first book ondating and relationships was a

(12:00):
Christian nonfiction and it waspretty much capturing
conversations I had with my ownadult daughters, and so, as an
ordained minister, we're trainedto expound upon the word.
Don't add your personal opinion.
Let the word speak for itself.
So that's where non-fictioncomes in.
There's a portion of theChristian community.

(12:20):
That's all they want to read.
There's a portion of them thatare not interested in fiction.
So I was curious about fictionand whether or not I should lean
toward that direction, andthere were two things that
helped me.
One was, of course, any newauthor will always look at
what's already out there and geta little intimidated by the

(12:41):
field if it's flooded in thegenre you're interested in
writing in.
And then there was the feelingthat, okay, what do I do if I go
into fiction, if I move awayfrom nonfiction?
What do I do?
Based on that training, Ireceived what I'm speaking.
I have to speak the truth,don't add my opinion.
So then I read a blog of aChristian friend who had the

(13:02):
same issue.
People were complaining aboutfiction and then she broke down
the parables and that set mefree, because the parables Jesus
used.
He didn't use nonfiction when hetaught people.
He used fictional storiesbecause Jesus didn't want to
intimidate, didn't want anybodyto feel bad about where they

(13:23):
were.
He simply just wanted to weavea story where they can see
themselves in it, self-discovery.
And then in the story heincluded a way to change or a
way out.
So it was up to the still.
You know this is free will.
This is what he gave us in thisworld.
So he left it up to theindividual to make the change.
But in the story he gave themeverything they needed to work

(13:47):
out of whatever state they werein.
When I saw that and read that,I said, okay, if Jesus can do it
, that's exactly what I want todo.
I want to weave stories in away that people can just
discover themselves in it and sothat I can weave the stories in
a way that shows the same thinghe did.
Give you tools to get out of it, give you tools to change all

(14:09):
of that, but it's still up toyou to make the decision.
And when I found that, thatreally set me free and as I
wrote that very first book, Iknew what was going to be about.
I was going to use fish as thecharacters for the men.
So I called my fish expert,which was my oldest brother, and
he that's what he does everyday, all day.
If it stays, if he could stayuntil midnight, he would.

(14:31):
And so I said tell me aboutyour favorite fish.
And as he began to explain whyhe likes catching catfish
because they're bottom feeders,they're dirt, they eat dirt,
they eat dead food, they eatfood that's smelly, they don't
work for anything, they sit atthe bottom of the lake and wait
for the food to come to them, sodead things that fall to the

(14:54):
bottom of the lake.
All that as he began to givethe description.
And then he began to explainhow to catch them.
I could see the exact male ormale character for that
particular fish.
Many would talk about thesturgeon.
He said those are hard to catchbecause they're really tough.
He said they don't, they'resneaky.
And when like the, nibble thebait, he said you could sit

(15:17):
there all day trying to catch asturgeon and you literally don't
know that sturgeon has alreadyeaten the bait off the hook
because they're sneaky about it.
So that's where my charactercame from the sturgeon who likes
to nibble.
And then the salmon.
He said those are the hardestof all of them because they're
very strong and will fly up outof the water to knock the hook

(15:38):
out of his mouth.
So they fight getting caught.
So there goes my character inthe book who hates commitment.
Yet women go after them becausethey're strong.
They may look the part, butthey're not interested in
commitment at all.
And there are women who thinkthey can change their minds.
They won't, and all of that.
And so the last one was thepufferfish.

(16:01):
Even though people don't fishfor them, I found the puffer
fish, even though people don'tfish for them.
I found the puffer fishcharacter interesting because
the puffer fish is verycombative.
They sit in a space where theydon't want anybody messing
around with them.
So the minute you agitate thepuffer fish, it puffs up.
Now the one thing about itsappearance it has human-like

(16:21):
eyes, so it looks friendly, butit's not, because when you
agitate it it pops three times,pops up three times its size,
and then you have thesepoisonous points coming out of
his body to attack you.
And so that was my example of atoxic relationship, someone
who's very abusive.
So as I got these fish stories,it was very easy and of course,
jesus used fish in many of hisparables, but I thought it would

(16:44):
be unique.
After my brother told me thesecharacteristics of the fish that
he would try to catch, thatthey would make perfect
characters.
And that's how this all began.
And after that first bookrelease, the readers asked me to
write more fish stories becausethey could resonate with the
story.
They said I met all of theseguys and one lady was in the
story.

(17:04):
They said I met all of theseguys and one lady was in the
dating pool.
She said now I'm starting tolook at me and trying to
determine okay, which fish areyou?
And then there was the goldfishwhich you happily have caught,
a Mr Cox goldfish.
The goldfish doesn't look likenecessarily, doesn't necessarily

(17:25):
look like maybe what she waslooking for in the book.
She ignored him because they hadbeen around the same spaces and
places and she ignored himbecause she felt like that
wasn't the one she wanted.
She didn't like the type ofwork he did.
He worked in construction, andthat's what we do Women do.
They judge the man based onwhat he does rather than looking
at his heart.

(17:46):
And so she judged him becauseshe didn't like the young man
work with his father in hisconstruction business.
So they grew up around eachother, but she ignored him, even
though he was interested in her, until later on, when she ended
up with this aggressive guythat's her dad ended up with.
Um, I'm sorry, when she ended upgoing through these men because

(18:06):
she just kept ignoring this guy, the father told her to just go
back after his intervention andspend some time
self-examination, examiningherself find out why you were
like this in the first place.
Because she really wasn't readyfor a husband seeking man the
way men, the way she was.
So when she pulled back and didher self-examine, that's when
she opened her eyes and beganpraying for God to show her who

(18:30):
he had for her, once she wasready, once she grew up.
Once she built those strands offaith and once she grew up, in
the waiting process, god openedher eyes to the man that had
been around her all that time.
He was the goldfish.
Her eyes to the man that hadbeen around her all that time.
He was the goldfish.
And I think her father showedher a goldfish on the last day
of their trip, but she didn'trecognize them in the lake

(18:52):
because they were larger thanthe ones she would normally see.
And the father explained that agoldfish can grow as large as
the room that you give them.
But if you keep that space thatyou want to keep the man small,
like those little bowls we havearound the house with the
goldfish in it, they'll staysmall, he said, but they'll grow
larger as you give them room.
That's a goldfish and that wasthe man she was to marry.

(19:15):
And God finally opened her eyesand they got together in the
book.
So that's how I got there withthe fish analogies and went on
with the second book where Idealt with narcissistic men and
how women get captivated overthe wrong things and end up
marrying a fool.
And that's what happens when wedon't examine the heart of the

(19:36):
person, whether male or female.
Then I found out I had a smallgroup of male readers who
reached out to me and said whenare you going to write about the
wrong women to date?
I said you know I had.
I originally thought the womenwere going to be the audience I
needed to reach out to, but I'll, I'll answer that I'll.
I'll respond to that requestand I appreciate the men who

(19:58):
were following, because thebooks and the stories are
written in a way that both maleand female will benefit from
reading them, because if you seesomething that you recognize
about yourself in a negative way, then that's something you know
you can fix and correct.
And so the third book was theWrong Cat.
She'll Tear Down the Houseresponding to the male readers

(20:20):
who asked me to write that book.
But I first interviewed a fewof my godly friends, male
friends, and asked them whatwere some of the things that
they found were difficult forthem when they were attempted to
dating.
And I was really shocked tofind out that these women that
they shared information aboutwere in the church, were

(20:43):
supposed to be Christians, butboy did they show an ugly side.
So I wrote the stories and thecharacters based on some of the
women I was aware of and thensome of the women the men I
interviewed told me about, andso it was simply based on that
research I did, and so in thatbook I had to use different

(21:05):
characters than fish and Idecided to just research and
pick out animals and insectsthat I thought matched the
character, like the black widowand a real black widow likes to
mate and get what she wants, andthen she kills the person she
mated with.
In the story, the woman is sooppressive and demanding in
terms of what this man has to doto keep her, because he sees

(21:29):
her beauty, that's all.
But she's wicked.
He ends up dying an early deathbecause he's so busy working
trying to keep up with all thethings that she wants, and so
that's the black widow.
Then there's one that's calledthe antelope, where the man knew
this woman when he was youngerbut did nothing when they ran
into each other later on intheir life, did nothing to try

(21:51):
to determine what her life hasbeen since then and had no idea
that she, what she, was up to atnight.
She, he knew she worked atnight, but didn't know what she
did until one night he decidedto get out and follow her and
found out that she worked in thebravo, and so that was the
woman he married because didnothing to try to examine who

(22:12):
this person really was, and shetold him she liked what she did
and she wasn't leaving it.
But that was his fault for notexamining her.
So there's character like thatand there's the character I
think is very interesting andthat's the people pleaser.
This is the one that has beenabused all her life, people
making her do things for them,because she was not very

(22:36):
aggressive, didn't protectherself very well, but she
decided later on in life to useit for her benefit.
So she pleased her husband in away, or pleased the man in a
way, that he married her.
He liked the fact that shewould do whatever he wanted, but
he didn't know she wasmanipulating him, pleasing him
to get what she wanted, and sothat's what she did.

(22:57):
She decided to use her peoplepleasing for her benefit and
manipulated her husband to getwhatever she wanted.
And then there was the hyena.
People hear the hyena and thinkthe hyena is laughing from the
sound.
But the hyena is not laughing.
The hyena is barking ordersbecause it's the female who
leads the clan.
So here you have a female whowants to leave the entire

(23:20):
household, including her husband, and barks orders all day,
every day, and so this mandecides to just escape it all by
working a lot of overtime andthen spending time away from
home because he hated herbarking all the time.
So that's just a snippet ofbook three that I wrote for the

(23:41):
man and it's gone over very well.
But the fourth book I switchedback to nonfiction because I
weaved in all of my books somescriptures without saying that
they're scriptures.
I weaved the examples of whatthe scripture says without
telling you the scripturereference.
So I said you know, at somepoint someone's going to want to

(24:03):
know what does the scripture,because I refer to the fact that
God has given us over 200scripture references that
discuss fools, foolish behavior,and why it's important for us
to avoid them.
I said you know, if I just gaveyou 80 in a book that's called
Book of Fools, that should beenough for you to open your eyes

(24:26):
to foolish behavior when youmeet it.
So that's what I did.
I wrote book four as anonfiction of the series and
it's called the Book of Fools,gave you 80 scriptures and gave
you questions about what thatscripture is saying for you to
ponder, that if you meet someonethat acts like this, what does
that say to you?
And I found that even businessleaders are saying the book of

(24:51):
fools is a great tool even torecognize fools and foolish
behavior in a person you don'twant to do business with, and
that's so true.
Whether it's friendship,business relationship, the Book
of Fools is a great tool forwisdom so that you can recognize
what this behavior looks likeand what this person looks like.

(25:11):
That God calls not me, godcalls a fool who has every
single book in this series.

(25:31):
And I have read from cover tocover, every single book in this
series.
When I say like, growing up Ihad book series that I love to
read, right, so I had RamonaQuimby, age eight, I had the
babysitter's club.
When I got in high school, itwas what was it?
It was the coldest winter ever,midnight.
You know, sister Soldier was mygirl, but then I was like

(25:56):
elated with anything MayaAngelou, elated with the roles
that grew from Concrete, tupac,and you know, because that was
my thing back in the day, evenAlicia Keys.
No one remembers, but AliciaKeys came out with her book
Diary with a lot of differentpoetry in it, and I had that,
and so I always love to read.

(26:20):
Series right, dr Bell mustcatch series y'all.
Series right, dr bell mustcatch series y'all.
When I say I was like, oh, she apastor, you know it's gonna, I
don't know, you know.
This is my first initialthought right before I really
got into it.
Okay, look, don't let the factthat she a pastor look, and

(26:43):
these are parables.
Right, she is absolutely right.
But when I say you get thisbook because, especially, she'll
tear down the house, that wasmy favorite one.
And people want to ask me I getthis all the time, dr Belmont,
if she's talking about women andnarciss, narcissistic women,

(27:05):
how is that your favorite book?
I said because ain't none ofthem up in there?
Me, that's what, first of all.
And then, if I see certain likeI would, I saw some
characteristics in this book,y'all about me, right?
And I was like, oh well, yep, Isee I gotta change and let me
fix this about myself, becausein the end of the day, we cannot

(27:28):
be in denial about certaincharacteristics or traits that
we possess.
It does not make us bad.
We all fall short.
Okay, what it is.
It's a tool to help you fixyourself.
That's just like a makeup kit.
Everybody say, well, you don'tneed no makeup, you look just

(27:48):
fine, yeah.
But you know what?
Who would not want to bepolished?
Who would not want to expand ontheir beauty?
Get these books, you guys.
Expand on their beauty, fix youon the inside so it can radiate
on the outside.
And what does she?

(28:09):
She'll tear down the house.
She got one about the microwavewoman.
Yes, okay, and I'll tell yousomething I've always been good
in the kitchen.
But my husband, he's like achef, okay.
He's like whatever he touches,like a man.
I don't care if he's making youa bacon egg sandwich.

(28:30):
You're gonna do something tothat bacon and egg that make you
feel like you are eating GordonRamsay's kitchen, okay, so you
know he will.
Always.
He loves to be in the kitchen.
That's his passion.
So I never want to take thatfrom him.
But then I read this book andI'm not going to have a clean up
woman coming over my house.

(28:51):
And I'm not saying that myhusband would do that, because
he would never.
But what I'm saying is that youcannot not sell nobody short if
you're not giving them thatattention that they deserve.
Okay, and maybe you know myhusband will never say, or maybe

(29:13):
your husband or your mate willnever say I'm tired, I don't
feel like cooking, right, okay,or I'm tired, I don't feel like
doing this, and we have to learnto not take those things for
granted.
Look, I read that book and I'llbet you ain't nobody's gonna be
up in my kitchen cooking whileI'm gone and doing this.
Let's shut this down at sixo'clock.

(29:33):
I'm gonna make my husband andmy kids a meal at least once a
week, okay, and do what I needto do to make sure ain't no
cleanup woman coming over here.
So these books I'm telling you,of course you know they are
great.
You know, I saw a lot of thefish that I used to date in here
and it made me appreciate myhusband more.

(29:56):
So, as you can be married andread these books, that'll give
you a better appreciation foryour mate, uh, for your husband.
It It'll give you aself-reflection on yourself or
maybe some things you may wantto change to help you find a
mate.
So what I'm saying with thiscatch series, you guys get these
books.

(30:17):
They really do work, and thatbook of fools is not just for
relationships.
So we're going to get into thatfurther on.
But it's not just for romanticrelationships or marriage, these
things.
As far as the book of fools thenumber four it really projects
into your family.

(30:38):
It projects into therelationship that you have with
family, with in-laws, withfriends-workers, with, with your
children, um, anybody that youencounter as a human being and
in the spirit these that book,the book of fools, is, is it has

(30:58):
built in scripture and it willhelp you to cast away those
things, but it will also helpyou open that eye and use your
discernment more wisely so youcan know how to navigate going
through life and really usingdiscernment and prayer to know

(31:19):
and see and be able to recognizea fool when you see one, right,
yeah, so I'm sorry, but we'regoing to get into that.
We didn't even get to thesecond question yet, so we're
going to talk more about thatbook of fools, so we're going to
run past that.
So you have a podcast out, nowthat you started and you took a

(31:41):
break from, called Dr VelmaTalks, that dives into some real
topics, right?
Can you share with us how yourexperiences, not just as a
podcast host but as a speaker,have shaped your views on
relationships and what's beenthe most eye-opening more moment

(32:02):
for you on the platform?
I think the most eye-openingthing has been for me is the
responses I've received.
I remember three of thoseepisodes.
I dealt with just codependency,because I talk about the
importance of self-examinationjust like that comment the woman

(32:22):
made to you when you made thatstatement, when when she said,
how can you read a book likethis?
That's exactly why we don'tgrow, because we've already put
up a block in terms of what wedon't want to hear, and so I
always say well then, that's notmy audience.
The audience I'm interested inis of those who sincerely want

(32:44):
to discover what's the bestapproach to discover their godly
mate.
And the problem that we haveand you have it in the title is
we want to use high schooldating methods when that doesn't
work.
High school dating methods arethose methods we used when we
were kids, when we wereteenagers.
We're grown adults now.
When we were teenagers, we'regrown adults.

(33:04):
Now you need to examine theheart of the person, because so
many people are dating strangersand so many folks are marrying
strangers, and then they'reshocked when the person begins
to let their hair down and youdiscover something about them
that you didn't notice beforebecause you didn't take the time
to really examine them.
And so I used as a platform inthe beginning that

(33:27):
self-examination piece, becausewe want stuff, but we don't want
to work for it.
It's like anything that we'vedone.
You're a very successful personin your brand, all that you're
doing, your writing, yourmagazine, everything you're
doing, your podcast, everybodyin your household is an author,
so you understand the world inwhich you live.

(33:48):
You've worked hard to get there, but why is it that we don't
want to prepare ourselves andwork hard on ourselves to ensure
that we're the best version ofourselves for that person that
you want, and so that'simportant.
We don't put in any work.
We expect people to come andget you in the state that you're
in, and I got news for youthere is no prince that's coming

(34:12):
on a white horse to pick you upand marry you and take you to
his castle, unless he's going tochain you up and beat you half
the time, because you didn'ttake the time to examine who is
this king and what does he do,and so the white horse doesn't.
White horse represents war.
If a man rides in on a whitehorse.
He's coming to fight that's whyjesus rode in on a donkey and

(34:35):
humility.
So you want a man or womanthat's going to come humble and
the way they come humble is theystop to put in the work because
they were expecting you toarrive.
So that's why I spent some timeon codependency, because
codependency is not just aboutdrugs, it's about how you love.
If the way you love is brokenor if the way you love is not

(34:59):
healthy, then it's time for youto spend some time.
Self-examination is important.
Time for you to spend some time.
Self-examination is importantand I always say my grandmother
said that God will not send youa broken glass to cut your lip,
but what if you're the brokenglass?
So God doesn't want to send agood man for you as a woman if
you're a broken glass, or forthe men if you're the broken

(35:21):
glass.
God is not going to send you agood woman and you're broken.
You need to take time to fixwhat needs to be fixed.
Not that we will walk inperfection when that person
arrives, but you show god thatyou're putting in the work to
make sure you're doing what youcan to fix those things in you
that needs to be fixed.
Yes, you know what I second thatI have friends and even some

(35:46):
family members who you know.
They see me with a good husbandand they're looking and they
say, respectfully, I would notsend him to you because you
still running and chasing behindthis person.
You haven't cleaned your closetout yet, right, you're still

(36:18):
going through the motions.
You overreact.
There's so many things that Iknow that you need to do with
yourself.
Overreact there's so manythings that I know that you need
to do with yourself.
So why would I send a good manyour way so you could tame him
or run him away?
No, I wouldn't do that to youand I wouldn't do that to him,
because all that's going to dois set you up for another heart

(36:39):
break or set that person up foranother heart break, and a lot
of times we really want to helpour friends.
Oh, I set you up with a goodman but at the same time waxing
a good man.
That's just like when you have arotten apple and you put that
rotten apple on the good applesand that apple it will spread

(37:01):
and your toxicity is gonna ruboff on that good, shiny red
apple.
So now he used to be good oryou used to be good, but now I'd
have hooked you up with a badman or hooked him up with a bad
woman, and now he's gonna takethat and he.
Now he is broken or you arebroken.

(37:22):
It's just like I was watchingreality tv the other day because
you know I love me a good,nasty work reality TV and I was
watching it and Cynthia Kenyawas chasing after this dude that
she wanted to be with right andhe didn't want to be with her
and he didn't want to havenothing to do with her.
And every time you look up, shebring him up, she going into

(37:43):
this flare where she's justcrying and she's on city.
He's just doing her own.
And she asked, cynthia, if youknow a good man, can you hook me
up?
She said I'm not about to hookyou up with nobody that I know
and you ain't even finished.
You gotta, you gotta clean thisup first.
So god is not gonna send youyou anybody.

(38:06):
That is like if you listen tothe music I was playing in the
beginning pray, for you know afaithful man.
He prays, he want kids.
You want kids.
You know all of this.
You have to be ready.
God ain't going to send you.
You're going to know that he's,he's uh, he's uh anointed.

(38:29):
You're gonna know that he's aman of God.
You're gonna know he's, he'shealthy, he's he's well, he's
prepared and he's ready becauseGod sent him.
And I was telling my husbandthis the other day, well, last
night, as a matter of fact, dr.
Uh, let me get to the nextquestion.
I told him.
I say you know what I said.
I've been through so much in mylife and nobody was ever able

(38:54):
to really protect me except god.
So when it came time for god tosend my mate, he knew that
nobody of human, of human nature, would be able to protect me
and my kids.
So what did he do?
He took marvis cox right.
He put a piece of himself, yeah, inside of my husband, so that

(39:19):
way I can have god protecting mehere on earth.
And you recognized it too.
And I recognized the God inthat man.
As soon as I saw and Imanifested it, I said that's
going to be my husband.
He just don't know it yet.
And I kept saying because Iknew what I saw.
I knew I saw a king.
Now I'm not saying he's theking or he's the God no, he's

(39:49):
the king or he's the god no.
But god took a piece of himbecause he knew that the only
person that would be able toprotect me here and make sure
nothing would happen to me hereis him.
So what did he do?
He took a piece of himself andput it into my husband.
I thank god every day for that,every single day, every hour of
the day.
That's why, when y'all see meon facebook and I'm shouting out
my husband, if you don't likeit, keep it moving, because I'm
gonna.
I'm not putting my husbandbefore god.

(40:12):
I would never do that to god.
Be all the glory, but after myuh, my, my god, the father and
myself is gonna always be myhusband, and if y'all don't like
that, hey, unfollow me.
As it should be.
You know I talk about the lovetears and and even in that,
making sure that you have yourrelationship with god intact

(40:35):
first.
The love tears require that youlove god with all your heart,
your body and your strength andnot love anything before him
more so you said that are morethan him.
He always remains number one andthat's something you said in
what you were talking about,that in the message that I have
on both the podcast, in the book, that you always keep god first

(40:57):
.
When the husband comes intoyour life or when the wife comes
into your life, they're secondto him, because god has to
remain present in that marriagethe entire time.
That's why the threefold cordcannot be broken, because he's
there with you and we forget.
We think marriage belongs to us.
No, marriage belongs to god.

(41:18):
He designed it to be so andwanted marriage to look like the
picture of christ in the church.
He has a purpose in what he andwho he brings together, and
that's important.
So the last tears goes this wayGod first, then you love you,
then you love that person.

Speaker 3 (41:35):
And so you can't love that person without loving
yourself.

Speaker 4 (41:38):
That's why Because not wholly, not wholly, because
that's your other half.
You can never be whole withoutyour other half.
So if you don't love yourselfright, then you will never be
whole in that relationship.
You can't love him holy or herholy.
And he tells us god tells us todo that that way.

(41:59):
He said no love others.
The others include our spouse,includes everybody else.
But we have to know that thelove tears have to operate in
that order.
But I love what you said aboutyour husband.
I've been married 50 years andPastor Bruce was a tough one.
Don't let me say somebody cutme off, just cut me off and
almost hit me.
Where is it?
What color car he's hopping inhis car?

Speaker 3 (42:23):
So you don't have to go and do nothing.

Speaker 4 (42:25):
I want to know, but you appreciate somebody called
me his little wife one day.
Do you hear me?
oh oh baby, thank man, look thempeople was getting up out of

(42:45):
his way when he was done.
Do you hear me?
I'm going to tell y'allsomething about Mr Y'all think
he's quiet.
He don't talk, he don't saymuch.
He scopes the scene, thatmilitary man.
He recons the scene every time.
And if I don't, I of course I'mgoing to tell him somebody do
something.
But a lot of times, if it's notwarranted, I let it go.

(43:10):
I agree with you, because Icannot tell my husband every
single time.
Neither can I, that's right.
Neither can I, because he willstay in war.
He will stay in war and a lotof times, women, oh, I'm going
to go get my husband, and theygo, and they get their husband
to all these, and men too, andthey go get these husbands and

(43:30):
to all this drama and chaos whenit's not warranted.
We have to learn sometimes whento give grace.
We have to learn sometimes whento say you know what?
That's not even worth myhusband's freedom, it's not
worth his stress, it's not worthhim trying to go into combat

(43:54):
over a slur or something thatwas said or taken away.
We have to know that we go toGod first and let him fight that
battle.
But if my husband see it, hesaw it.
I can't change his eyes.
But even with that, we have toknow our husbands how they work,

(44:19):
and sometimes we have tocounsel our husbands too, lady.
Be, like you know what, baby,just let it go.
Because this same word, we haveto know how to be their peace
and how to calm them in themidst of things because, like
like dr velma told me this acouple of years ago and it
always stuck with me the devilhas no face, that spirit has no

(44:41):
face and it will come and itwill try whatever deceptive way
to try to destroy whatever it isthat you have.
And it may not be trying todestroy your relationship as far
as breaking y'all up, but hemay come and try to destroy in a
way in which it tells that yourhusband's or your spouse's
heartstrings, right, dosomething to my husband and I'm

(45:02):
going to do this, and then, inthe event that I do, this could
jeopardize my freedom, canjeopardize my life, which would,
in the end, be the result ofthem being taken away from you
and your kids in some way, shapeor form.
So we have to learn how toclose our mouth Sometimes.
We have to learn how to helpthem close there and know and

(45:25):
and keep reiterating to themthat in the end, god gonna fight
that battle and life is gonnahappen to that person and the
only thing we could do is saygod, let your will be done, but
still give them grace and givethem mercy.
And god, please have mercy ontheir soul in the end and just
keep going and just keep going.
That's right, you betterbelieve.

(45:46):
I never said anything like thatagain to my husband.
When I saw that reaction forthe first time, it wasn't
necessary to bring him into it,and so when I saw his reaction,
that told me to use wisdom, thatI do not want my husband
jumping in a car and chasingafter anybody Because who knows
what he can get into.
Dr Belmont, we were at a.

(46:09):
I took my husband to a fightBecause he's like real big on
like UFC and stuff like that.
So we went to this fight and wehad very, very good seats that
were in front of these racistpeople Right, true story.
Very, very good seats that werein front of these racist people
right, true story.
Um, and the man was tapping onmy husband's shoulder trying to

(46:33):
say he wasn't really military.
My husband kept telling me youknow what?
I'm having issues with ptsd.
I don't like for people to betouching on me.
You know?
Like, please, just like back,like, back it up, back it up.
Well, the man kept taunting usand trolling us the whole time.
Even his friends was tellinghim to stop, but my husband
ignored it.
Okay, and this was before wereally got into our word, right,

(46:57):
my husband tried to ignore it.
Tried to ignore it.
Well, my husband caught aglimpse of that man rubbing his
fingers through my wig and, babythe fight, left the ring and
went to the audience.
My husband said come on, get up, it's time to go.

(47:19):
So when we got up, I'm thinkingwe leaving.
This is a true story.
Think we leaving.
Right, I proceed to walk infront of my husband to walk away
, because I'm thinking we justgonna go get our you know, get
our money back or maybe getdifferent seats.
My husband leaned back, smackedthat man with that drink and

(47:45):
haul up and proceed to whoopthat.
He knocked him out.
Wow, cold, cold, cold.
And the whole crowd was likewhat.
So then the security guardscame and they tried to attack my
husband, and one security guardgrabbed him from behind, and
you know that's a no-no, you'renever supposed to.

(48:06):
My husband beat that man so badhe looked like Martin coming
out of the ring with Sugar Rayand they grabbed my husband.
Security grabbed my husband andwe let them know what happened,
the whole situation.
They played the tape back andthey gave us box seats at the
end, right.
And so when we went to court,the man had to know to try to

(48:27):
sue my husband, right.

Speaker 2 (48:29):
He was a white guy.

Speaker 4 (48:31):
And so Donald Stevenson came down, the actual,
real Donald Stevenson, themayor of that town, rosemont at
that time, and he told them touncuff my husband, right,
because they found out myhusband was in the military and
straddling his back and all thisstuff from being in a war.
And so he told them to uncuffmy husband, right, because they
found out my husband was in themilitary and straddling his back
and all this stuff from beingin a war.
And so he told them to uncuffmy husband.
He gave us his box seats forthe rest of the night and police

(48:54):
patrol back to our car, right.
But then we end up having to goto court.
So we went to court, right, andwe get up there and we explain
to the judge what happened andthat is a very racist town, let
me mind you.
Right, the judge looked at myhusband.
He looked at that, thatcaucasian man, and he looked at

(49:16):
the man.
He said and all he did waspunch you, because if it hadn't
been me I would have beat you toa pulp.
You put your hands in thisman's wife's hair.
You touched his wife, right.
What do you think he's supposedto do?
He was defending man.
He threw that stuff out.
He was defending his wife,right?

(49:38):
He was like why is this?
Even in front of me?
This man is the one to belocked up.
And this was a predominantlywhite atmosphere.
The judge was very racisttowards black people, but he was
even more morally intact as faras his stance on a man

(50:01):
protecting his wife, his wife.
Yeah, yeah, it was a mess, butthat mess.
But after that I was like Iwould never put my husband in
that type of situation.
So when we took our trip toCalifornia and we went to the,

(50:21):
what was it?
It was a nightlife type ofplace.
It was like Universal Studiosor something.
It was City Walk, city Walk,right.
So we went to City Walk and itwas at night and everybody's
having this good time.
Well, I saw my husband, hisface, right.
I saw that he was uncomfortable, and then I looked around and I

(50:43):
saw that same type of spirit onthese people as far as like
them with him and me, right.
I said come on, baby, let's go,let's just go back, let's go
just grab a drink, a bottle ofwine and something.
Let's go to the hotel and let'sjust chill.
And we did that.
And ever since then if I seethat he's uncomfortable or he
may see that I'm uncomfortableor even before we go and it's

(51:08):
like, do we really want to putourselves in that situation?
We know what type of situationthat's going to be we opt out.
We opt out and I think thatthat's been working for us for
the past maybe eight years nowbecause now we see, in order to
avoid situations, don't putyourself in those situations,

(51:30):
because if you know what type ofatmosphere you're going to,
where people are drinking anddoing stuff that you don't even
do don't even get yourself up,get dressed, get in your car,
pay for gas, drive all the wayto go to some chaos Because you
can have a good time with yourmate at home or over dinner.

(51:51):
Well, that's certainly not theattitude of a black widow spider
, that's for sure.
No, they do not.
Which brings me into this righthere.
I'm glad you said that Now intoday's episode, we're talking
about moving beyond high schoolmindsets and dating a marriage.

(52:12):
Can we break down what you meanby high school mindsets and why
it's crucial for adults of allages to let go of them?
Because when you think of ahigh school method of dating, we
did it for social reasons.
We just wanted to go out andhave fun.
We wanted to go and enjoyourselves.

(52:33):
We see somebody that was cuteor good looking.
That's all we looked at from ahigh school level.
Oh he's cute.
Oh he's paying attention to me.
Oh he likes me.
That's high school.
When you're looking at a datingstrategy, that involves
exploring the heart of theperson to see if this could be
my mate, you're examining theperson.
So therefore, it's a totallydifferent ballgame and it

(52:55):
bothers me when I see grownpeople still acting like they're
in high school in terms oftheir dating method.
And it made me think about amovie I saw recently their
dating method and it made methink about a movie I saw
recently.
My husband and I just watchedthis this past week and I said
everything that woman did in themovie was exactly what I talk
about in terms of red flags.
She moved quickly because he wasdebonair.

(53:16):
He was an artist.
She thought it was well knownbut turned out it was all lies.
She moved quickly and marriedhim and, as a result, next thing
she knows she was being firedfrom her job at the bank because
the man got a hold of herpassword and taken over $375,000
from the bank's money.

(53:37):
So they fired her.
Then she turned around.
She had told him her house waspaid off.
So what did he do?
Created a fictitious signatureof hers and went down to the
bank and borrowed money againstthe house she had paid off.
And then she was called intothe bank because her payments
were late and she was trying tofigure out why did she have
payment.
So all of this stuff, becauseyou didn't take the time to

(54:01):
really examine who this personwas.
Well, it turns out he and hismother had this little business
going where they would go afterwomen she was older than him,
women who were older, and shehad them all chained down in the
bottom basement of her house.
Oh no, girl, I said.

(54:22):
Now see if this is not.
But Lisa was shot.

Speaker 2 (54:25):
Girl, you know what I mean, yeah.

Speaker 4 (54:28):
I said and that was her son.
She became friends to thatwoman and told her oh yeah, you
should go see that man, thatartist Knowing good and well,
that was her son.
Had all these older women camedown in the bottom basement of
the house while they'recollecting their money and their
checks.
I said now, see all, becauseyou did not take the time to

(54:50):
really examine who this personwas.
You didn't know where he wasfrom, you didn't know his
background, you didn't know thatyour best friend was his mama.
You didn't take the time to donothing.
And I said that's the kind ofstuff that's high school.
She just went off of what shewas feeling.
So he took her to the placewhere they could see the

(55:11):
fireflies and then got down onone knee.
You don't know this man, andthat's the problem.
Today, we get so mesmerizedwith what we see on the outside
of the person, never examiningwhat is at the core of this
man's heart.
Who is he really?
Where is he from?
What has he done?
Asking those kinds of questionsabout what do you do?

(55:34):
Tell me about your life?
Have you ever been marriedagain?
What's your intention in datingme?
I mean, if you ask that onequestion and they struggle to
provide an answer, then you gota problem.
It doesn't take several datesto figure this thing out if
you're asking the rightquestions, and that's the
problem.
High school dating is thatgiddiness that we had as

(55:56):
teenagers, who doesn't care whohis mama was, his daddy was,
where he worked, what he does,what's his future, what he plans
to do?
None of that, because back inthe day our fathers helped to
examine him too.
We don't have that in manycases.
Many people don't have a fatherfigure in their lives that can
help you do that.

(56:16):
I usually talk about a wisecounsel, getting a group of
people who can help you vetindividuals that you're planning
or considering to marry,because it's so important.
When I met my husband in the10th grade, I wasn't looking for
a husband.
I really wasn't.
Matter of fact, I wasn't evenlooking for him.
My friend in our classroom thatwe had together asked me what

(56:39):
did I think about him?
I had never noticed Bruce inthe classroom because I wasn't a
boy watcher at all.
I had my focus on getting mygrades and getting out of high
school so I can get off of mymom's payroll.
She raised seven kids.
I said the sooner I can get offof her responsibilities, that
would bless me by blessing her.

(57:00):
So I focus on getting out ofschool and going to getting a
job and going to college whileworking.
She asked me what do you thinkabout Bruce?
I said I don't know.
I never noticed him before.
She said I think I'll go overand talk with him.
I said well, that's not mystyle, but go ahead and do what
you think you want to do.
She came back to me and said Isaid well, how did it go for you

(57:27):
?
She said it didn't go well.
All he wanted to know was whowas you, what was you?
He wanted to know more aboutyou.
He didn't ask me anything aboutmyself.
He asked me what I knew aboutyou.
I said really.
I said well, that was prettyawful for her.
I was thinking to myself nowthis is what you decided to step
into, and you found out thatthe guy wasn't even interested
in you, but used you to askabout me.
Now, what does that say aboutthe approach you used?
I didn't want to do that, andso the first time my husband

(57:49):
ever even talked to me wasduring a game of volleyball
during my PE class.
He sat on the bench watching usplay and then he decided to
call me over, finally decided toask me something.
Now this is after the episodewith my friend, him asking her
about me.
He finally asked me and then westopped and talked for a little
bit and after we talked for alittle bit, he said okay, I'll

(58:12):
see you around campus.
I said, sure, I went back to mygame Just high school
conversation.
And so what I'm saying is that'swhat we do in high school.
This is not high school.
When you're a grown person andyou're looking to find your mate
, the strategy has to changefrom a high school mindset to a

(58:32):
grown folks mindset, and that is, you should be dating for
marriage.
Your goal is marriage and Italked about earlier.
We prepare for everything else.
We know how the things we needto put together to run a
business.
For everything else, we knowhow the things we need to put
together to run a business.
We know the things we have toput together if we're going to
go to work for a particularcompany.
We want to make sure we havethe skill sets.

(58:57):
We work hard at it, but wedon't want to do what we need to
do to get ourselves ready formarriage and we should.
And then, when we meet a person,don't act like you're in high
school questions who, who?
Who are you?
What do you do?
Where are you from?
Is your family out here?
Have you lived here all yourlife?
Find out as much.
What's your intention in datingme?
You asked me out what was yourintention?

(59:18):
Well, I just wanted to have.
I remember.
I remember my daughters, uhsaid when they started applying
these questions.
One daughter came back and saidmom, the very first guy asked
that question.
He hauled around and said, well, I'm just trying to have fun.
She said, well, that told me weshould stop right here, because
I'm not here to have fun, I'mhere to try to discover my vape.
Yeah, I'm going to tell yousomething else.

(59:40):
They'll tell you like you canask all these questions, right,
dr Bell?
And they'll tell you you canask all these questions, right,
dr Bell?
And they'll tell you what youwant to hear.
But never, never, secure a lifewith someone until you validate
it.
That's what I'm saying, that'swhat I'm getting at.

Speaker 2 (59:58):
You need to see them working at that bank and that
job that they're sitting at, andyou can do research too If they
say they got this type offamily, that bank and that job
that they sit in and you can doresearch.

Speaker 4 (01:00:06):
Yeah.
They got this type of family.
You want to meet the family,absolutely.
You want to see these things.
Don't just go by what peopletell you, because people will
wear that mask until they falloff.
The questions I'm talking aboutis for you to examine how they
respond.

(01:00:26):
Look at their behavior, look athow it comes out and their body
, absolutely, and put on yourwisdom.
Take god with you, because hewill point out a lie to you, he
will point out what is not realto you and so that you can pay
attention, you should bescrutinizing all of it.
You should not be in a relaxedmode at all.

(01:00:48):
This is about an examination.
If you were going into abusiness partnership, you would
do the same with a businesspartner.
You would examine theirfinancials to make sure they do
have what they say.
You would look at their historyto make sure that their history
is correctly displayed as theyexplain to you, that their
history is correctly displayedas they explain to you.

(01:01:09):
You would do all of thisresearch to make sure, before
you sign on the dotted line,that you're going into business
with this person or with thiscompany.
It's the same with anindividual and you know what.
You said something the otherday on Cyrus Webb's show, you
said that red is always anindication of warning, of

(01:01:30):
caution, and if you see a redflag, absolutely you should
never be drawn to it.
You should run like um run,spot run.
I know that's.
That's not a good example fromthe I run, forrest run.
Forrest run, no.
But somebody said in the debaterun, spot run, and I thought it

(01:01:52):
was hilarious and you know.
But moving on, so run, spot run, ok.
And I want to let the peopleknow who may be in a marriage
where they feel like, ok, youknow what?
I'm married now, so I'm justgonna might as well just be this
person.
That does not have to be life,no, and you can really be happy

(01:02:16):
never let nobody just be withyou and they done told you lie
after lie after lie after lieand you ignore them.
I made a huge, and it's okay,because they could have worn
this mask and you didn't knowuntil it fell off.
But you see, now, you know nowyou're beautiful or you're

(01:02:39):
handsome.
You can get up and get out ofthere and really live the life
that you want to live,absolutely free from that person
, absolutely, I want to say thatperson.
I noticed that a lot of peopleare starting to use the
reference red flag now.
So I see it all over onfacebook now.

(01:02:59):
I said, oh, now everybody'susing red flags, but let me just
point out that my red flag isall caps.
It's RED Retreat, extremelyDangerous.
That's what my red stands for.
If you see that flag, it'stelling you retreat extremely
dangerous.

(01:03:19):
Yes, then I find that sometimeswomen um make excuses for what
they see.
You see the red flag, but youmake excuses for, oh, he's just
like that today he's all.
When he's not in a good placeor good mood he's just like that
, but the other times he's good.
Stop it.
Red is just that retreatextremely dangerous.

(01:03:42):
Don't make excuses for what yousee.
I remember having a conversationI think I said this on the show
too with a lady at thereceptionist the receptionist at
my doctor's office and she toldme about a friend she wished
would read the book.
And I said, because she saidshe and the other friends have
spoken with her about the toxicrelationship she was in, I said

(01:04:05):
look, give her the book and justask her to read chapter six.
That's the toxic relationship.
Just ask her to read it, lether do it herself.
Remember I said the stories areweaved in the way that you can
see yourself.
She gave the book to her friendand when I followed up on my
visit, I stopped and asked thereceptionist did your friend
ever get the book?
She said girl, let me tell youshe got the book, read it and

(01:04:29):
got out of that toxicrelationship, which says that
she saw herself in that story,mm-hmm.
Now this is what and I rememberyou speaking about that on the
podcast too About you know shehad tried everything, but once
she she tried to like maneuveraround the subject.

(01:04:51):
But once she read that book andshe saw and that's the point I
was making in the beginning Readthis book, you guys, because a
lot of times you won't noticeuntil it's put down in black and
white and phrased in a way thatwill help you understand and
really be able to identify thoseRED retreat, extremely

(01:05:14):
dangerous flags that you may seein a relationship that you're
in, or in past relationshipsthat will help you, or in past
relationships that will help youbecome more aware to avoid
those type of relationships.
Now that brings me to my nextquestion how does social media

(01:05:36):
influence modern dating dynamicsand marriages?
I think people use it for avariety of reasons.
People use it for the wholepurpose of meeting someone.
That's one way they use it.
Another way they use it forresearch.
Just examining who this personis is looking on, seeing whether

(01:05:58):
or not the person is on anyplatform, to see what their
history is, to read their theirposts to look at who's posting
for them.
They can use it for that reasonas well, but I don't see it.
As you know, at the time that Ibegan writing the very first
book, we had a lot of datingapps.
It was really popular at thetime, and so a lot of people

(01:06:20):
were asking me about those too.
I said it doesn't matter whatwe use, we have to be very
careful to.
To give you an example yes, thedating show where the girl
actually made it to the aisleand proposed to the guy that she
wanted to marry and come tofind out.
They didn't do a research andfound out the guy had been
arrested in the past and foundout it was an abusive situation,
and then he walked out awayfrom the marriage, got engaged

(01:06:42):
on TV and then walked away fromthe marriage, got engaged on tv
and then walked away from thegirl.
Yep, I remember that right.
So no examination.
So it doesn't matter whatplatform you're using.
You still got to do your job interms of examining who this
person is and whether on tv ornot on tv?
people can be whoever they wantto be on social media right they

(01:07:05):
can make anything.
Yep, they can present themselvesin any type of way um to to be,
you know, uh, deceitful to whothey really are, and so you know
, I don't think that you shouldtake anyone serious that you,
that you, you know, as far aslike their lifestyle.

(01:07:27):
You have to meet them face toface, absolutely, and explore,
you know, and do your research.
Um me, I was doing criminalbackground checks.
I was getting ready to say, yes, checkmate, all that,
absolutely.
If you've got public recordsout here liens, bankruptcies I

(01:07:49):
want to know it all because Iwant to know what I'm getting
myself into.
Absolutely.
That's exactly what I wasgetting ready to say.
I would not.
Some people think that's goingtoo far.
No, it's not.
No it's not.

Speaker 3 (01:08:01):
Because you're protecting yourself.

Speaker 4 (01:08:03):
You're protecting yourself Absolutely.
People think that social mediais the game changer.
It's not.
Some people use it for thatperson to see what they're up to
, it's how it's passed, that'sall it is.
See what they're up to, seewhat's passed, all of that.
But again, it could befictitious, it could be
make-believe.
But do a real deep dive of whothis person is.
It's real today because there'stoo many people getting into

(01:08:26):
harmful situations because theydidn't do it.
And that's why I said you can'tdate a stranger.
And who thought that was okay?
And you cannot marry a stranger.
That movie said it very clearly.
I said, boy, I need to put thatmovie on my Facebook page.
You do, you do, you do and do areview.

(01:08:46):
This is a perfect example.
And do a review.
And I absolutely 100% agreewith doing a review on that.
Right, because Felicia Rashadooh she, ooh, child.
I was surprised the part sheplayed, oh man.
And then the movie ended withher going to another family.
She escaped, yes, and went toanother family.

(01:09:08):
Yeah, trying to do another Yep,getting ready to get back into
what she was doing in thebeginning.
Yep, now moving.
This is the next question.
So what are some effectivestrategies for securing
emotional intelligence whenpursuing your mate.
Well, I think we had.

(01:09:29):
I created a list of questions Ithought was important because I
don't think you should be tooemotional, get too emotional
involved in the beginning at all.
You need to keep your distancein terms of protecting your
emotional intelligence until youget some credible information.
It's important that you, ofcourse, you need to make sure

(01:09:51):
that you're self-aware.
You got to make sure thatyou're getting to the truth of
who this person is, but you gotto recognize your own emotions
and know what you cannot do.
When you're dating a person orat least exploring who this
person is.
You have to hold everythingguarded and protected, but you

(01:10:12):
have to make sure that you'redoing your due diligence to
examine this person.
Because emotional intelligence,when you're trying to protect
your emotions, you can't get inthe way of anything and I
usually have a train that I putthe emotions in the caboose of
the train.
Your emotions is back in thecaboose, so it doesn't have a
play have a part in the initialstages of your examining a

(01:10:35):
person's heart, because you gotto keep your emotions out and
keep them in check.
Because you get too emotional,and that's what I mean by high
school dating.
High school dating is veryemotional.
It's making me feel good.
Oh, I feel so happy.
Oh, I feel so good.
Oh, he's so cute because I gothim, I'm so happy.
Those are emotional feelings.
We're not talking about that.
So keep your emotions in check.
Put it in the caboose of yourtrain.

(01:10:56):
What's running your train iswhat is the truth.
You want to make sure thatgod's word is god is leading you
and god's word is leading, andyou want to believe that what
you see is what you see.
If it's red, it's red.
If you're not colorblind, youshould see it, and so it's.
It's a part.
It's really examining theperson's heart to make sure.
Let me, let me, let me ask youthis in the caboose, in the

(01:11:22):
beginning don't get emotional,what do you?
think about this questionbecause you know I've had mixed
reviews on this question, soI've always wanted to ask you.
I'm glad it hit my mind todaywhen, when a potential mate,
right when somebody that you'redating and you're exploring and
they ask, they say what do youlook for in a mate?

(01:11:46):
Now my response my dad alwaystold me if somebody asks you,
what are you looking for in aman, you're supposed to say for
them to be exactly who they are,because once you go down the
list and you start telling themwhat you're looking for in a man

(01:12:07):
or in a relationship, they mayhave a conniving spirit where
they will go and try to beexactly what you said you wanted
on their list until they getyou and then you fall and then
your emotions are your sleeve,you're vulnerable, you're open,
and then that's when they hityou with the gotcha.

(01:12:28):
So what do you think?
As far as what do you look forin a mate?
I just want to say that yousaid some things about your
husband.
I said some things about myhusband that we discovered about
them.
You want to look for a man ofintegrity.
So if he's lying, you need todetermine, examine what he's
saying to you Don't just receiveand believe everything.

(01:12:50):
Again, we talk about doing theresearch, et cetera.
You want to see if he's a manof integrity.
You want to see if he's a manof God.
Is he sincerely serving,worshiping, giving and doing?
Because I found that there aremen who are not looking for
wives and just like there arewomen who are not looking for
husbands.
They're just busy fulfillingtheir purpose.

(01:13:11):
That God has given them Doesn'tmean that they're not going to
make good husbands or good wives.
No, they will make goodhusbands because why?
But they're doing exactly whatthey should be doing.
So you should try to examinewhat this person's focus is.
What are they doing?
What are they keeping busy with?
What do they do every day?
You should be examining that.
Do they truly show that they'rea man who loves God?

(01:13:34):
And you want to look at theircompassion.
Is he generous?
Is he compassionate?
Is he forgiving?
Does he have self-control?
And one of the stories in thebook.
It shows a woman out on thedate, the man flipping off on
the driver who cuts him off.
That's a red flag and don'tignore that.
Oh, the man just cut him off.
He deserved to say what he saidto know.

(01:13:55):
Is he showing self-control?
Does he show discipline?
Is he gentle?
That's how he engaged withothers outside of you on the
date, to see what he does onthose dates and that's what you
want to do.
Can he quote a scripture andcan he do it without that?

(01:14:15):
This is can he quote ascripture?
That was key.
That was key and I hope thatthat gets uh taken up when I do
my clips.
I hope they grab that can be aman of prayer, did he?
Did he stop?
to pray before you ate did hestop and then listen to how the
prayer goes?
Listen to what he says, becausethat'll tell you his

(01:14:39):
relationship with god.
By what he says in that prayerit's the elements that he needs
to use.

Speaker 2 (01:14:46):
It is the elements.

Speaker 4 (01:14:49):
This is the kicker for me, and this is going into
what I asked you when you firstmeet somebody right in the
dating realm.
That guy asks you what do youlook for in a mate?
What do you look for in a mate?
What do you look for in a man?

(01:15:09):
Uh-huh, do you tell them everysingle thing that you're looking
for, or do you tell them, no, Iwould flip it.
I would flip it.
Don't you dare feed himanything.
I would flip it and ask himtell me what's on the top of
your list.
Exactly right, because my thingis with that.

(01:15:30):
They can try to manipulate thesituation women with me and
that's for me, everybody, andwomen too, everybody.
You never tell nobody what youlook for.
My dad always never tell nobodywhat you look for.
My dad used to always say nevertell nobody what you look for.
You always tell them to.
I'm looking for somebody to beexactly who.
They are Right, and you watchand see what type of person they

(01:15:53):
are yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:15:54):
why don't you tell me ?

Speaker 4 (01:15:55):
Tell me your top four .
They have no other choice but tobe themselves, and if they
struggle with it, that's a redflag Yep.
Themselves.
And if they struggle with it,that's a red flag, yep.
So it doesn't take a whole twoweeks and three years for you to
figure that question out, andthat's a part of you know,

(01:16:16):
growing up in relationships andidentifying things and not
having that high school mindset.
Oh, you know, um, a a perfectmate for me would be, you know,
someone who does this and doesthat, and romantic walks on the
park and and and holding handswhen we in the mall and then

(01:16:39):
they're going.
They do all these things.
He's like yes, he's a keeper.
Lord judah sent the everythingthat you done.
Already gave him the cheatsheet.
So then he done got you, or shedone got you, and you think you
done got this perfect mate sentfrom god.
When you done gave him thecheat sheet, you done gave him

(01:17:01):
the answer sheet, and now theygot you.
And then they got you in theirhoops, like the man did to old
woman on the movie.
Tell me about a time when youprayed for something and you
waited on God to answer.
Hello, hello, right, tell meabout the time that somebody
upset you and how you handledthe situation with humility and

(01:17:25):
grace.
That's right.
Show me that when we, when wedrive down the street and you
see somebody in need, that youwould help them.
I just want to see that's rightthe way that you move, the way
you treat your mom, the way thatpeople respect you in your
neighborhood, the way thatpeople respect you in your

(01:17:47):
neighborhood, the way thatpeople respect you in the church
, the way that you respectothers, the way that you are
with children.
You know all of these thingsplay a vital role.
How close are you with yourfamily?
And that may not be.
That can be give or take,because we don't know what type
of family or background.
No, we don't.
But you still have to ask.

(01:18:07):
That's right.
But you still have to ask andknow these things and maybe get
clarification.
But in the end, in the end, allto be all, you want to know
their relationship with God andhow they perceive God to be.
How important is he in yourlife?

(01:18:28):
Right, right, and that's in allaspects.
That's in all aspects.
That is first, because somebodymay be lacking in some areas,
but if they put God first ineverything that they do, they
have hope.

Speaker 2 (01:18:44):
Now is it for you to be there and be honest even when
they mess up.

Speaker 4 (01:18:47):
Yes, and be honest even when they mess up.
Is it mandatory for you to stayuntil they start to go?

Speaker 3 (01:18:56):
Absolutely not, no let them get it together?
Absolutely not, it's too soon,it's too soon.

Speaker 4 (01:19:03):
And until that person develops and meets you where
you're supposed to be met, youcan keep looking or take that
same energy that you're tryingto put into being in that
relationship and maybe put thatsame energy into your more
commitment into the word andmore commitment into your

(01:19:24):
mission of what God has for youin your life.
Right, and the investment to beis going to come together
tenfold.
And that's why the Book ofFools will show you the opposite
, because a fool doesn't like tobe taught anything, he doesn't
like wisdom, he doesn't likeinstruction, so he's closed off

(01:19:45):
to anything that you can teachhim or share with him.
So you want a man who's alwaysopen to grow, and so a white
that's always open to grow,that's right.
A white, because a lot of times, you know, my grandma told me
this a long time ago and itstuck with me.
She said a person who knowseverything knows nothing at all.

(01:20:06):
Right, that's true.
Because you know it don'tmatter how young, old, light,
dark, black, white, fat, skinny,you don't know every single
thing.
You have to be open to counsel.
You have to be open to counsel.
You have to be open to counselno matter how old you are.

(01:20:29):
That's right, we're all grownand people hiding in their minds
say oh, I'm grown, you can'tteach me nothing.
This person can't teach menothing.
That person can't teach menothing.
You know what?
My son is 13 years old and heteach me things every day
dealing with social media,social media influence, how to
work these different apps on thephone.
A lot of things I know,including station here I learned

(01:20:52):
from my son when he was 10years old.
So it don't matter how old theyoung, god will bring wisdom
through the people you leastexpect.
But never not be optimistic tocounsel, never.
I'm always open to learn fromwhoever it is, and I am not, uh,

(01:21:14):
one of those people who are, oh, this person can't teach me
nothing or that.
No, I can learn from everybodyaround me, everybody around me,
especially people, and somepeople have this thing where,
well, this person they didn't doit for they self, so they can't
tell me nothing.
No, wait a minute, they didn'tdo it for they self and look how

(01:21:40):
they ended up.
So maybe they're trying to warnyou from making the same
mistake that they did.
So we have to really be openand ask God for discernment, and
that is the key Because if it'scoming from a place of pure
intention and love, it will bereceived well.

(01:22:00):
It should be received well andyou'll see it.
You'll see it.
Get that be received well andyou'll see it.
You'll see it.
Get that book of fools, becausea lot of things that I'm talking
about is in that book andbecause I read it, dr Velma, and
God, the Father himself,because a lot of the things that

(01:22:21):
are in that book is 80scriptures out of 200 that
mention the word fool in theBible.
Okay, so these are things thatshe actually did research on,
you guys, and actually went inthere and drafted 80 scriptures
out of the Bible and broughtthem to you in plain sight.

(01:22:42):
A lot of times people say showme what it say that's said in
the Bible.
That's what happens.
That's right With the book offools.
Just like a lot of people wantto condemn the apple and I think
it was you that told me theword apple ain't even in the
Bible.
It's not in the Bible.
It just says fruit and fruit.
Just a damn net pole apple.
And made it an apple becausesomebody from somewhere drew a

(01:23:06):
picture of Adam and Eve with anapple and they made the apple be
the symbolic symbol of thefruit that they ate.
You don't know what.
It could have been a kiwi, itcould have been a lemon, y'all
don't know what, because appleis not in there.
So we have to be mindful of whatwe allow people to paint a

(01:23:28):
picture inside of our mind.
But she goes into depth, shewent and she really did the
research and went in there andfound 80 out of 200 scriptures
and put them in this book foryou guys, for you to plainly see
who the fool?
is right, and if some of themidentify as you, then you really

(01:23:53):
get this book, because thatmeans that gives you that, gives
you it in plain sight as atherapy session in a book.
Wow, you ain't got to go paythousands of dollars for therapy
when you got it right here inyour face.
You got the Bible and you gotthe book of foods and that

(01:24:13):
should help you with any type oftherapy that you may need.
You take them two books and yougo into your waiting room and
close that door and you gonna be.
When you come out of that, yougonna be refreshed like the
prodigal son.
That to be.
When you come out of that,you're going to be refreshed,
right, like the prodigal son,that's right.
You're going to come outwearing your kingly robes
because you're going to be ready.
Right, that's right, that'sright.

(01:24:34):
So finally, dr Velma you know Icould go on and on with you
what do you hope to achieve withyour work in the future?
Like, how do you envision theimpact of the Catch series and
your podcast, dr Velma's Talkstransforming the way people

(01:24:58):
approach love and commitmenttoday?
I hope that I'll continue tohear success stories like I have
so far, just hearing howreading the books have benefited
so many people and, like yousaid, the podcast, although I
focus on singles, both male andfemale but I always try to

(01:25:18):
include a little piece for themarried couples because the
books are good for even marriedcouples.
Who's looking to reset alwayslooking to examine and reset
anything that they need to resetbecause I think it's important.
So I'm looking to continue toexpand the conversation and
continue to look to see, uh, thesuccesses that has resulted
from someone reading somethingin the book that helped them.

(01:25:40):
That really blesses me more.
You know what, what, and I willsay this as somebody that's
married.
I may not be single or datingor whatever, but if you're
married, okay, it's important toget these books because it not
only helps counsel you throughyour marriage by showing you

(01:26:03):
more and giving you more insighton just how blessed you are
that you have the mates that youhave and that it shows you like
look what this person is goingthrough, look what that person
is going through, and thank Godthat God blessed me with you
know the mate that I have,because a lot of times we don't
see why we should appreciate ourmate until we see what others

(01:26:29):
are going through and thank Godthat I ain't got a date no more,
because you know, but it alsowith the, she'll tear down the
house.
Ladies, get that book becauseI'm telling you, you know, I
used to think I was just a toptier, stellar wife and when I
read that book there were somethings inside of that book as

(01:26:53):
far as not being a manipulativepeople pleaser, but just being a
people pleaser in general.
I thank God that I don't havethe heart to take people
pleasing and turn it into amanipulative state, because I
got people I want to see inheaven and I need my golden
ticket and I don't want nothingstopping me from getting through
the gate.

(01:27:13):
I want to get in there with aclean slate.
But I will say that a lot of mylife I was a people pleaser and
reading that it showed me, likeyou know, what you have to do.
Only um being that you'resupposed to please is god.
Anybody else is irrelevant.
And if you're doing things,that you're doing things, um, to

(01:27:36):
please god and in his sight,everything for you will fall in
place, everything for you willbe blessed, and so it.
It took me to read that shelterdown the house to say you know
what I need to do.
A cutoff time for my business.
Although I am a creative, Ihave dominion over me as an

(01:27:59):
entrepreneur.
I know that my kids need to beattended to, that my husband
needs to be attended to.
So I had to cut off and setboundaries.
Set boundaries and reprioritizemy life, because I got so
consumed with trying to helpeverybody else that the people

(01:28:22):
that love me most, thatsupported me most, I was not
helping them as much as I shouldhave been.
Wow.
And so reading that book reallyhelped me.
You guys and I'm not saying itbecause dr velma is my friend,
because I have a lot of friendsthat are authors that get on
here and I'll tell you how greatthe book, but that don't mean

(01:28:43):
that I'm going to laugh.
I'm not up for life.

Speaker 2 (01:28:46):
What.

Speaker 4 (01:28:47):
I will say is that Dr Velma's books all of them have
not just helped me.
It helped my husband.
You know he read the Catch andit just gave us a better
appreciation for each other.
So it's good for dating.
It's good for getting preparedto date.
If you got a daughter or sonthat's thinking about dating,

(01:29:09):
get them.
She'll tear down the house.
Get them the catch so they canbe equipped and prepared for
what's out here for real.
And because she based thesebooks on real life experiences,
she did surveys with real people.
These are real things thathappened in real life.
So we have to know that,preparing your kids with real

(01:29:33):
life situations so they can knowwhat to look for, what to look
out for.
And it would better equip themto wait until marriage, wait
until they find the right one,and not dating with a high
school mindset.
I agree.

(01:29:54):
So I love you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Is there any final words thatyou want to give the audience
and then tell them how and wherethey can reach you?
Well, just keep God first.
That's what that's.
The central purpose of themessage is keep God first.
And if you want to get somemore specifics, read the books.

(01:30:19):
Everything I talk about isalready written in the books.
I try to expound upon what I'vewritten so that people can hear
more of the backstory, of why Iwrote a particular point, but
if you read the books, you'llget what you need to get started
.
So you can stay in touch withme, I'm on all the social media
platforms as Dr Velma Bagby.

(01:30:39):
You can go to my website andsubscribe at drdelmabagbycom, or
please subscribe to my YouTubepage as well, so stay connected.
I'd love to hear from you andlooking forward to you tuning in
to the next two episodes of mypodcast.
The first season of my podcastwill be over.

(01:30:59):
I have two more episodes andthen I close for the season and
then begin again in 2025.
Well, I want to thank you again, dr Bell.
Your mercy is everlasting.
I'm asking that you lead us outwith prayer.

Speaker 3 (01:31:18):
Your truth is here always.

Speaker 4 (01:31:20):
That you are God alone.

Speaker 3 (01:31:22):
You are he who loves and is and is to come.
Who is he that you know yourname?
You flood the sun to burn inspace and the night's moon comes
light for me.

Speaker 4 (01:32:19):
Oh, you alone, I was.
But what I'm going to actuallylead out with is I'm going to go
back because I really trulylove this song.
It's called Pray For, because Ithink that that that is a great
song to lead out with.
So we're going to exit out withPray For by Ashley B.

(01:32:39):
You guys have a great andwonderful rest of your day, god
bless.

Speaker 2 (01:33:08):
You do the same.
Ain't no man that I prayed for?
Not wishing with no man, thatwasn't made for me.
See, this love, we have gottabe tailored.
Ain't wishing with no man?
That ain't no fit for me.
You want kids all the day.
Are you faithful?
Always?
Tell me, can you stand the rain?
You a king, I'm a queen.
We require certain things, andthat's what I pray for.
Say, follow it.
Tell me, can you send a ring?

(01:33:30):
You a king, I'm a queen, merequire certain things, and
Dear God, come when you'resinning.
I'm going to be ready.
Dear God, you do this for me.
I won't forget it, my heart,I've been through so much and I
just want to feel your love foronce.
And, dear God, I hope he'shappy already here.

(01:33:52):
But if he's here, I know he is,I know he will.
Dear God, that's what I prayfor.
So that's what I wait for and Ivow to be everything you need,
share my life with you, on theright, with you, and I promise
to support all your dreams.
But I gotta know that you weremade for me.

(01:34:15):
Do you pray, cause I pray.
You want kids, I want eight.
Are you faithful?
Always Tell me can you standand reign you a king?
I'm a queen.
We require certain things, andthat's what I pray for.

Speaker 1 (01:34:34):
That's what I wait for, DearGod.
I'm waiting for you to send mea message.
That's what I wait for.

Speaker 2 (01:34:44):
That's what I'm waiting for, dear God, come when
you're sinning, I won't beready.
Dear God, you do this for me.
I won't forget it.
My heart has been through somuch and I just wanna build you
love for once.
Build you love for once.
And, dear God, I hope he'shappy, already healed.
But if it's in me, I know he is.

(01:35:05):
I hope he's happy, alreadyhealed.
But if he's sinning I know heis, I know he will, dear God.
Dear God, that's what I prayfor, so that's what I wait for,
thank you.

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