July 14, 2025 • 39 mins
When tragedy strikes through domestic violence, the ripple effects extend far beyond the immediate victim. In this raw and powerful conversation, Alana Maria opens up about the life-altering moment she received news of her sister Yolanda's murder at the hands of her husband.
"I felt everything and nothing at all, all at the same time," Alana shares, describing her three-and-a-half-hour drive home after receiving the devastating call while on a film set. This heartbreaking account illuminates how domestic violence creates what she calls a "tsunami" of trauma—affecting not just the victim but entire families and communities.
Alana's 14-year-old nephew witnessed the horrific event, adding profound trauma to his grief. Her mother struggles daily with the loss of her daughter. The extended family works to maintain connections while navigating uncomfortable new dynamics with the perpetrator's relatives. Through it all, Alana emphasizes how togetherness and professional therapy have become essential coping mechanisms: "All of us are in therapy. That is the healthiest thing that we could have ever done."
The conversation takes a powerful turn as Alana discusses breaking the silence around domestic violence, especially in communities where family matters traditionally remain private. "Change some of our language," she advises, noting how communities can place resources in churches, gyms, and gathering spaces to reach those suffering in silence.
Despite her grief, Alana continues pursuing her creative passions—writing, acting, singing, entrepreneurship—guided by her powerful motto: "I refuse to give the grave any of my potential." She carries her sister's ashes in a necklace on film sets, transforming profound loss into motivation and purpose.
Ready to break the silence around domestic violence in your community? Subscribe to Speaking with Sandra for more conversations that bring patient experiences to the forefront and highlight how we can all make a difference through simple acts of kindness.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Thank you for watching.
Well, hello everyone, goodMonday.
Well, we're doing this.
It's Monday morning, so helloeveryone Monday morning.
If you're not in the morningbut you're in the afternoon,
good afternoon.
I don't think we're on withanyone that is in the evening,
although if you're not in themorning but you're in the
(00:45):
afternoon, good afternoon.
I don't think we're on withanyone that is in the evening,
although if we're doinginternational, which we are,
there may be some people thatare are in that time for them,
so to them I say good evening.
Thank you so much once againfor joining in speaking with
sandra.
Well, what we do is we bring thepatient's experience to the
(01:08):
forefront.
We let patients explain whatthey're looking for in the
doctor, the challenges that theyface when they went to a
doctor's office or not even adoctor, but any clinician's
office what kind of care didthey receive?
And then we also make sure thatwe highlight those providers
(01:29):
that are doing their utmost bestthat they can do to make sure
that each patient they touch,irregardless as to what their
color is, irregardless as towhat their gender is and also
irregardless as to what theirsocioeconomic factors are, that
they treat us all the same.
And so often our voice getslost in a shuffle or we're
(01:52):
begging please have us at thetable when you're talking about
us.
And it doesn't happen, or itrarely happens.
Well, with the podcast, whatwe're hoping to do is to ensure
that it always happens and thatwhen providers hear us speak and
they have something that theywant us to share with us on, you
know what they're looking forin their patients.
(02:14):
Then they can come on as welland say well, you know what we
look for our patients is, butwhat we get is so that we as a
foundation, can start speakingto both parts.
So today I have a very specialguest.
She does it all, so I'm goingto let her tell you what she
(02:35):
does.
So throughout our conversation,she will be touching upon what
she does, what she does.
But it's important to know thatwhat she does as a patient has
something to do, a little bit todo, and probably right now has
(02:57):
more than just a little bit todo with why she excels at those
things that she does.
Because, as I often tell people, the patient is very often not
the patient.
The patient is that patient'sfamily, that patient's community
, and even sometimes thatpatient's doctor is a part of
that patient's network, and sotoday, alana Maria is going to
(03:19):
tell us a little bit about whatoccurred to cause her to be in
the patient experience groupthat she's currently in.
So, without further ado, I'mgoing to go ahead and get
started with the questions fortoday that I have planned just
for her and I'm hoping she'llshare, and, if you have a
comment, please do put thosecomments in the chat so that we
(03:44):
can take a look at them and wecan address them.
I do want to make thisdisclaimer what you're about the
information that you're aboutto hear is, in fact, factual.
However, we are not doctors.
We don't say that we're doctors, but what we can do is get you
the help that you need to getfrom a doctor so that you don't
(04:07):
fall victim to what we'rediscussing here, and this
happens to both men and women.
So, with that being said, I'mgoing to go ahead and ask you
can you describe your initialreaction when you received that
phone call telling you whatoccurred?
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh, my initial reaction was shock, disbelief,
sadness.
I was lost.
I can't give enough adjectivesto describe what I felt, but I
felt a little bit of everything.
I didn't know if I wanted tohit the ground.
I didn't know if I wanted tojump up and down, I didn't know
if I wanted to turn around.
I didn't know what to dobecause when I got the phone
(04:46):
call about the incident thatwe're talking about, my sister,
yolanda Williams, who wasunfortunately brutally murdered
by her husband of many years, ofmy gifts, and I was on set and
we just was taking a break, andI got that phone call from my
(05:07):
nephew and I just was soconfused and just just almost
out of my mind.
I was three and a half hoursaway actually, so I had to drive
home by myself.
Honestly, I don't know how Imade it home.
I was on autopilot, my foot wasmashed to the floor, speeding
down the interstate, trying toget from Miami back to Daytona
to get to my family, to get tomy mom, my sister.
My foot was mashed to the floor, speeding down the interstate
trying to get from Miami back toDaytona to get to my family, to
(05:28):
get to my mom, my sister, myother sister, shana, and my
sister who passed away, herchildren and everyone that I
love.
So I was just focused ongetting there, getting to them.
But I declare I felt like I wason a jet plane because one
minute I was in Miami, the nextminute I was pulling up with my
family trying to piece togethereverything.
And when I saw again everythingthat I love sitting in a room
(05:49):
together crying, it made it evenmore real.
You know, it's one thing tohear something, but then when
you pull up you see all thecards.
It's not for a cookout or acrowd war that we normally do.
You know, it's nothing unusualfor a pile of us to be together.
Unusual for a pile of us to betogether, but this time for
something that was sounperceivable and just
unnecessary and justgut-wrenching.
(06:10):
So I felt everything andnothing at all, all at the same
time.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Now I do want to say this, and you said it, you know.
You said I don't know how I didit.
And I tell people when they saythings happen and they're like.
And I tell people when they saythings happen and they're like,
excuse me, they're like Sandra,I don't know how I did it, but
God, and always remember, butGod, whatever your spirituality
is, remember that that's whoactually carried you through.
(06:36):
It's like that Because, likeyou said, you was three and a
half hours away.
You know, and I remember it wasa point in time when I was very
, very sick and my family,because I'm in Chicago, my
family's on the East Coast, itwas my sister.
My nephew said Aunt Sandy, Ithink she must have been driving
(07:01):
about 90 miles an hour to getto you.
And you know, know, the copsstopped her and she just said
just give me the ticket, I'mgoing to take her myself.
Just give me the ticket, right,so I can just about imagine you
doing the same thing like giveme the ticket.
I ain't going to argue with you,just give me the ticket, I'll
pay it and keep going rightthings like that happen, but I'm
(07:22):
glad to say and I'm glad to seethat you safely.
Yeah, you are going right, andthe only person that could have
gotten you there is god oh yeahover you this whole time.
It's god, you know, leading godand you, and yes, there, you
know, sometimes in our life wehit patches where they're not
(07:45):
the patches that we want to hityeah right, but god gives us.
So thank you so much for thatand I'm glad to see, and I'm
glad to know that you wereactually able to get home safely
, amen.
How has this experienceimpacted your view on domestic
violence?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
and how it impacts families.
Oh, my goodness.
So it's one thing to livevicariously through another
person, right, you can be like,oh, I sympathize.
But in my case now, I cansympathize and empathize because
I've had to live through it andit is not a good feeling, it's
(08:26):
just thinking back on what youcould have done, how could I
have fixed it, how could I havehelped, how could I have made it
better?
So, when, what?
What it has changed as far asmy outlook on domestic violence
has caused me to be a voice.
At this point I am increasingone of my other gifting that
speak.
I'm a speaker and I want toshare the message far and wide,
along with my mother, annette LAnderson, speaking about and
(08:48):
providing resources andencouraging people who are in
those situations.
You know, to realize thatdoesn't have to be the end of
the story.
You know there is help outthere and a lot of people are
afraid because their partnerthreatens them I'll kill you,
your family, whatever the casemay be, or they may feel
hopeless, or they don't have themoney to go, or the means or
the family, or they just don'tfeel strong enough.
(09:08):
So that makes me want to, youknow, be a voice and an advocate
for those who are going throughthat situation.
A lot of times people thinkabout, oh, the kids, but the
extended family.
You know, my sister's been mysister, that's my older sister
Since the day I came into theworld.
She's loved me, you know.
(09:29):
So her absence is just, it'sjust sickening, sometimes when I
want to pick up the phone, orsometimes it's absent-minded.
Let me call her Linda, let mecall Linda, but she's not going
to answer.
You know what I mean.
And so those, those emotionsthat you go through, and they'll
be this, this will be alifelong, lifelong journey for
me.
I'll never get over my sister'sdeath.
I'm going to tell you thatright now.
Um, I learned to live throughit and live with the facts,
(09:51):
because a part of life is thebible says the time to live in,
the time to die.
It's a part of the journey.
Um, so death hurts either way.
Whether someone has cancer or,you know, a car, whatever the
situation is, it hurts to lose.
I don't care if they're 99 or100 years old.
That hurts because you lovethem.
But when it's attached to trauma, it adds that extra layer of
(10:13):
why.
You know that hopelessness, allthese questions you ask God,
why me, why her, why us?
Why the children?
The terrible act he did infront of my nephew?
You know what I mean and he'sonly 14 years old.
So there's another layer oftrauma.
You know what I mean.
All the kids are hurting, butthis baby actually saw his
mother on the ground.
You know what I mean.
And he has to wake up every dayreliving those horrible,
(10:37):
horrible, horrible traumas.
But to your question, how again?
How does how?
Has it changed me?
I hold those babies so muchmore tighter.
I've always loved them.
We've always had a relationship.
Um, but we, me and my sisterShauna we make sure to stand in
the gap, to stand in the paint,to hold locked arms with those
kids and let them know that theyare loved and supported and we
(10:57):
don't drop the ball in any areaof their lives.
We are there, lock, stock andbarrel, holding it down.
So it has changed me in ways.
I will tell you.
It gave me a little bit of PTSD, if you want me to be totally
transparent, honestly, because Iwas in a store and I heard a
husband yell at his wife in sucha tone.
(11:17):
I jumped and looked and I justwanted to go and grab her and
hug her.
You know what I mean.
Right, she laughed it off, butfor me I left feeling grieved.
You know what I mean Because Ihad a lived experience and you
know my past.
You know the trauma that I'mstill going through.
My sister hasn't been gone ayear.
It'd be August 2nd would be ayear.
So we haven't, we're stillfresh.
(11:38):
You know, one of her childrenlived with me, two live with my
other sister.
So we wake up daily reminded ofthe absence.
And then we have our mother.
That we have to, you know, holdup each side of her arms and
make sure she's okay.
So it has definitely changedthe way I view the world and it
has made me my motto I refuse togive the grave any of my
(11:59):
potential.
It made me realize that life isfleeting, it's short, so give
life everything you've got.
And that's what.
Since then, I've turned up thefire a little bit more with
going after my dreams, goals,passions, like literally nothing
can stop me and I push forwardin honor of my sister's legacy,
my children and her children, tomake sure that we leave.
(12:20):
I leave something behind to letthem make sure that they're
okay.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Yeah, leave, I leave something behind to let them
make sure that they're okay.
Yeah, and I thank you so muchfor for you, you know, telling
that story and letting us know.
You know, okay, I wasn't thevictim, my sister was, but when
that happened, I became thevictim, I became the patient.
Right, I wasn't looking forwardto this.
Her children, you know.
(12:44):
Her son, you know.
For life he's marred andscarred because he's going to
carry that with him.
So when that incident happened,it made you a patient, it made
your nephew a patient, yourwhole family a patient, and not
just your family but thecommunity that she belonged to.
So what's?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
your hope for them, and not just your family, but
the community that she belongedto.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yes, so what you told me was just as devastating when
this happened, Because she wasa really good, a vital part of
the community she lived in.
She lived it.
So you know whether you're aman or a woman.
If you're going throughsomething that you think might
(13:27):
turn into a trauma like this,please say something.
You know, see something, saysomething.
You never know Right, butwhatever it is that you're going
through, don't continue to gothrough it thinking you're going
to change.
He or she will change.
They won't hurt me.
They said they wouldn't hurt.
(13:48):
Don't, yeah, don't.
Don't.
Don't put yourself in thatsituation, because there's way
too many people that areinvolved with altercations such
as what happened with yoursister.
Yeah, my next question to youis this In what ways do you
think awareness about domesticviolence can be improved in this
society?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
In what ways do I think wellness about?
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
What ways do you think awareness about domestic
violence can be improved in thissociety?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Oh, awareness can be improved.
Oh, my goodness.
So one thing is Black.
I can speak from a blackexperience.
We need to talk about it more.
We don't talk about you know,we talk Jesus, he's good, ha,
he's great ha.
Yes, but there are also peoplewho can provide counseling for
(14:38):
the things that are unspoken.
So, the Black community, we cando a little bit more, making
sure in our churches havingflyers and when we have our
bulletin board talking about thenext conference.
But we also can have a flyer onour bulletin board saying you
need help, here's a number.
You know what I mean.
So, making sure that there'smore visuals for people to see
that there is help.
Sometimes, just one moment, onemoment can change someone's life
(15:01):
.
Walking out of that building ofthe church, you look and see
that flyer.
Oh, one moment can changesomeone's life.
Walking out of that building ofthe church, you look and see
that flyer.
Oh my God, I can't go home andget beat.
Today they call that number.
So that's one way to improve isto use, you know, the areas that
we, as black Americans,frequent the most.
Make sure that they know thereare resources out there and help
take away the stigma of shameand also that that stigma of
(15:21):
teaching.
Well, just stick with it.
I'm not advocating divorce, butwhat I'm saying is love doesn't
hurt, not in that capacity, youknow.
So changing some of ourlanguage is something that we
can correct when it comes togetting the message out there
for domestic violence, changingthe way we speak about it, being
(15:42):
more vocal about it People whohave went through it speaking
you know if you're able to talkabout it we're so used to like I
can say I can only speak aboutthe black community.
In it or in the past, everythingis a hush trauma.
Just stay in our household.
What happens in our household,stay in our household.
And then that leads fromgenerational trauma and it goes
on and on.
And so your niece got beat,your great niece got beat, your
(16:04):
great, great great niece gotbeat, your great niece got beat,
your great great great niecegot beat because they think
that's the norm.
That's not healthy and it's notnormal.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
You are not an animal .
Speaker 2 (16:11):
You are not a dog.
You are a human being whodeserves love and you don't have
to stay.
So that's another thingchanging you know the way we
communicate about it.
Speak up, say something in ourcommunities, at the.
I know a lot around Daytonathere's a lot of knitting clubs
and you know they have alldifferent activities where
people go and work out and theywork out in the park.
(16:32):
Just making sure there'sliterature out there.
You know what I mean Showing up, being present, those who are
advocates for it, just makingsure people are aware, because a
lot of times they feel aloneand sometimes you just need to
hear you're not alone.
So those are some ways rightthere to start.
Start in our own community,right here, right with our
neighbors and our friends, rightin our churches, right in our
(16:53):
gyms, right in our communityclubs.
Have literature and stuffavailable to let people know
you're not alone.
We can just start right thereand that'll make the biggest
impact because we'll learn toshh instead of speaking.
We need to break that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And that's so very, very true, and I'm sure it
happens in other communities.
Of course.
We're talking about themarginalized, underserved
communities who are alreadysuffering so much.
We're suffering and there'sways that we can be helped.
There's things that we shouldexpect or we could expect and
there's ways that we can behelped.
There's things that we shouldexpect or we could expect and
(17:30):
there's things that we can doand that we should do.
Make sure that, no matter whatkind of patient you are, you're
getting help.
There's help that's out there.
But we have to stop, you know,keeping everything a secret.
Some secrets are made to betold.
As I write in my chapter in theanthology book that I'm in Now
(17:51):
it doesn't cover trauma fromthis standpoint, but it's the
same across the board.
Some secrets are meant to betold.
They make them so that youcould tell them.
So if they're saying don't tell, don't tell, I would tell
because there's something goingon.
So I would definitely tell andI would definitely say something
(18:12):
.
And once again, we are ourbrother and sisters.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
We are.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
So if we see something, we need to say
something.
If you're seeing something,there's all kinds of signs and
stuff that you could put, thatthe victims could mark on their
bodies and everything that willlet someone know.
Okay, that person got this bluesign or this green sign.
They must need some help.
Let me just go check or callsomeone.
(18:40):
If you don't feel comfortable,call someone and say, hey, I
think there's an incident goingon over here.
Can we get over here to check?
Yeah, but we have to saysomething, we have to provide,
we actually have to actuallycare.
Kindness is free.
It doesn't cost a thing to bekind.
So we have to be kind and wehave to speak up.
(19:01):
If we ask the person, they'relike yeah, I'm good.
I tell people all the time.
If you ask someone how they'redoing and they say I'm good, you
shouldn't be okay.
They said they good, you shouldbe.
Well.
What does good mean?
Dig a little further.
Don't just let them say I'mgood or everything's great.
(19:23):
What that mean, and listenempathetically.
Listen to their responses thatthey're giving you, because very
often those responses will tellyou signs of there's something
going on that needs to bechecked out.
You can actually pull them tothe side at that point and say,
hey, I know you said you wasgood, but then you also said, so
(19:46):
, which one is it?
So just don't let them stop andsay, hey, I'm good, I'm great.
Make them tell you what that is.
Make them tell you what thatgood looks like or that great
looks like, so that you can pullwhat's really going on out of
them.
I see that Carolyn and goodmorning Carolyn, good morning
(20:06):
Myra.
And Carolyn Coleman is sayingthere are no boundaries to
domestic violence.
I totally agree.
I mean, I'm not a victim ofdomestic violence, but I do know
people who have went throughdomestic violence situations,
both men and women, and thereare no boundaries yeah,
absolutely it shouldn't occur.
(20:28):
I mean it really shouldn't.
If you get that mad or upsetwith somebody that you think
that what the solution is foryou, bopping them upside their
head or stabbing them over andover repeatedly, you need help,
and you need to get help now,because you don't have the
authority no one's giving youthe authority to take this
person out of this world.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yeah, and the aftermath, the trail of tears
that it leaves, is justmonumental.
Don't think about tomorrow,just think in the moment.
But that one moment shifts somany lives, right?
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Exactly and you know what, and so that's the victim
that's going through that, butthe person that's actually doing
it, their family, is just asimpacted as the person you did
it to.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Oh, absolutely, I can tell you that right now, the
family of the abuser of mysister they are just beside
themselves, you know.
And also we got to betransparent.
It caused someuncomfortableness because now,
for families who were bonded foryears now trying to figure out
what is our place now, how do weinteract?
(21:38):
You know what I'm saying?
Walking on eggshells, becausethey still love us, but they
know that someone that they lovecaused an offense, so they
don't think about how the rippleeffect I mean it's cause and
effect, so they don't thinkabout how the ripple effect I
mean it's like a tsunami you seethe wave coming and then how
many hotels and people itknocked down, you don't know how
big and how wide the tidal waveis.
(21:58):
But, yeah, that one decisioncreated such a nightmare.
Just to be honest, and justtrying to establish boundaries
with people, um, it just madethings so uncomfortable when it
didn't need to be.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
So you know yeah, and carolyn, I agree you said
that's not love and you're bothand you already wrote down you
both have to heal.
It takes time to heal.
Oh yeah.
Incidents like this happen,where you can't bring the person
back.
That time to heal is forever.
Oh yeah, right, you can't bringthem back.
(22:36):
I mean, it's different if youknow the person is still living
and, yeah, you're hurt and youknow you get through it day by
day and you know you pump, pump,you know you encourage them and
empower them to feel better.
But sincerely, if they're gone,your healing process is a
lifetime.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
End of day Cause it always remains with you.
Now, speaking of that, I wantto.
I want you to tell us whatsupport systems and coping
strategies have you foundhelpful since the loss.
But before we get into thecoping systems and the strategy,
I do know at one point in timeyour family was working on a
(23:17):
nonprofit to help victims.
How is that all going?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
It's actually going pretty good.
We had to pause for a minute,uh, because my mother I say
everybody is hurting, but mymother carried my sister and
that's the one we're trying tohold up.
She has had some, some momentsand some days where just being
hurt to be just hurt, everybreath she took hurt, you know.
(23:46):
So sometimes reliving it wastoo much and so, as we were get
trying to get things together,if she needed a pause, we took
the pause because we want tocare for her in her latter years
and, you know, support her tothe best of our ability.
So if she needed a pause, wewill fall back to allow her to.
Okay, now, now I got strengthagain, so we're the ball is back
(24:06):
rolling.
With that, we got the 800number up, um, working on the
what's the 501c.
So we at the background, we'reworking, but we we have to just
support our mom through theefforts that.
So, yeah, that at a time.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
That's right, hey, at a time that's right's right
when you are completely and,like you said, it's a fresh
wound.
It hasn't even been in here yet.
Who's to say how things aregoing to look as we get closer
to August?
The whole family might justbreak down.
You have that right to do that.
(24:43):
You have that right to saywe're not doing anything.
We let's get past this humpthat's right then we can
continue to pick it back upagain.
It's not a rush for it oh,absolutely, absolutely because
look, sadly, the issue ofdomestic violence and the
domestic abuse.
Sadly it's not going to stopyeah it, it's not isolated Right
(25:06):
.
So there's going to always bepeople that need the help that
your nonprofit is set up to doAbsolutely Right.
So I'll go back and ask youagain what support systems and
coping strategies have you foundhelpful since the loss?
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Well, the main thing is togetherness.
We didn't allow the grief thatyou sit in the corner over here.
You sit in the corner, no, no,no, no, no.
We get together, like Mother'sDay.
I can say Mother's Day is myniece and the nephew First
Mother's Day, my mother and mysister, first time without my
sister.
For Mother's Day we went on alittle dinner cruise with all
(25:45):
the kids, with my mom, and wecelebrated and not a tear was
shed for the first time in along time.
So, just being together, makingsure the kids are around their
cousins, still with theirgrandma, not isolating and
separating.
Okay, you two are here, you twoare no, making sure that we'll
still have togetherness.
Um, that's one of the copingmechanisms.
We just maintaining our familyunit, but also counseling.
(26:09):
Every last one of us are incounseling.
Okay, we go to the therapist,snot cry, beg, yell, scream,
whatever needs to be done to getit out and to and to be able to
go on about your day-to-day,because here's a harsh reality
about loss or you know, peopledon't think about Just because
somebody passes away.
Your bills don't stop coming.
Your life don't stop.
(26:31):
You still have obligations youhave to meet.
You still have children thathave to go to school.
You still have homework.
You have to wipe your eyeswhile you're doing that paper
and keep helping them with thatmath.
You see what I'm saying.
So life continues to roll asyou're grieving.
It doesn't stop.
Oh, elena's already awake.
No, earth is still spinning.
Earth is still going.
(26:53):
Still the same 24 hours in theday.
However, we wanted to make apoint to not drag ourselves down
so low where we just couldn'tfunction.
All of us are in therapy.
That is the healthiest thingthat we could have ever done.
To have an unbiased person whodidn't know her.
Because we can talk to anybodyin the community and just want
to share and they're going tocry harder than we are because
she was so loved and supported.
(27:14):
You know what I mean.
They cry, we cry, the neighborcry, oh, y'all talking about
long.
Oh, somebody else cryingbecause she has such a beautiful
aura and spirit.
But being able to talk to anunbiased person who didn't know
her they just hear what we sayabout her and able to unload and
talk and get some sound adviceand a good sounding board where
we can just truly let it outwith somebody trying to
(27:35):
over-talk you and tell you abouttheir experience.
Sometimes, no disrespect, weappreciate the love we get, but
sometimes I don't want to hearyour story, I just need to get
it out in the moment, so thattherapy is the same place where
we can just dump and, you know,be okay.
So those are the copingmechanism.
We stay together and then we gotalk to the man at the Yumpy,
we go talk to the man on thecouch over the computer.
(27:56):
We go talk to the man and getit out and just learn how to
adapt to the new, our new worldwithout her it's a strange place
without her, but it's thereality of our current place.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yeah, and thank you for bringing that up and this is
a reminder to everyone.
Sometimes, when people aregoing through things, they don't
need for you to input whathappened to you into that
conversation.
They just need you toempathetically hear what they're
saying.
Hearing and listening are twodifferent things.
(28:31):
When you're hearing something,you're hearing it and you're
able to grasp it.
But when you're listening, it'slike you're in listen mode so
that you could respond, andsometimes people don't need you
to respond.
Sometimes they just need you tohear what it is they're saying.
Let them get it out.
If you want to add to theconversation, come back a day or
(28:51):
two later and then say, hey,you ready to talk about what you
were talking about the otherday.
But when that initially happensand I know that people are
trying to help, right, they'rejust trying to help because they
love the person just as much asyou did and they think, well,
let me just let them know thatthey're not in this by
themselves.
But sometimes we have to walkthat path by ourselves and you
(29:15):
know you interjecting in themiddle of everything, it makes
it worse, because then theperson is still guess what.
They still had that baggagethat they were trying to let you
you know be a part of.
They're still holding on to itbecause you interjected right in
the middle of what they weresaying and the conversation got
(29:36):
lost, so that when they leaveyou they're still holding on to
baggage that they shouldn't beholding on to.
So thank you so much forbringing that information up.
Now I know you do, like I said,you do so many things.
And as I see you doing thesethings.
So we don't get to the goodstuff, which we've already been
talking about the good stuff,but we don't get to the good
(29:59):
stuff of after the pain, afterthe therapy or during the
therapy.
I got to make it up in my mindwhat am I going to do so that my
sister's memory, her legacy,will always live on?
So let's talk about one thefact that you are an
international bestselling authorand you haven't let what's
(30:22):
occurred with your sister.
You haven't let that stop you.
And after she passed away, youwere like, okay, well, that's it
, I'm not writing anymore, I'mputting that book up, I'm
putting my thoughts up inreference to that.
You kept writing.
So could you tell us a littlebit and I know a little bit
about the backstory.
(30:43):
Your sister wouldn't havewanted you to stop.
She's like, uh-uh, you betterkeep going.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
So could you tell, just say a little bit about what
your thought process is, asyou're continuing to write and
she's continuing to be on thetop of your thoughts, of course.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So my sister, like I said, she's loved me from day
one.
My sister has been good to mefrom the womb.
She's six years my senior and Idon't have a bad memory of her,
as a you know, being my bigsister, ever trying to fight on
me or pinch on me.
She always took good, good,good, good, good care of me.
Even until my adulthood she wasmy biggest supporter.
(31:20):
You hear what I say Every bookI wrote, if I post a Facebook
post, if there's a misspellingor a comment, she'll say, hey,
fix that word, like my sisterwas on me about everything I
want you to represent yourselfin the best light.
Fix this, fix that.
Where's your book?
You procrastinating?
You told me it's going to dothis by Thursday, didn't you say
you was going here?
You have an acting gig tomorrow, right?
(31:43):
She would be reminding me ofthings that I mean she just she
had me straight, she loved.
She's not a jealous bone in herbody.
She saw me beginning to excelwith my speaking and starting to
act, and she was on top ofevery move I made, and me and my
mom and my sister Shauna wethought it was so funny because
her the drill started becauseshe didn't play by her baby
(32:05):
sister, and so I mean she didn'tlet not one thing fall to the
ground.
She would text me at 12 o'clockGet that off of Facebook.
I don't like that.
That doesn't represent you.
Get that off.
Like no nonsense.
She was all about making surethat I represented myself the
(32:30):
way.
I just missed her.
So I stopped speaking for awhile because the children were
with me for a bit and you know,one day I went from just my
children to you know, herchildren moved in from there
until we had to get thingssorted out, and so I needed to
take a moment and focus on whatwas important at the moment
making sure those babies'well-being was, you know, in
good hand and make sure auntiewas okay and, you know, just
making sure we were good.
So I kind of slowed down on thespeaking while getting our
(32:52):
bearings right and then, oncethings started getting to
somewhat normalcy, I was likeElena, if my sister were here
right now, she'd be like so youdon't have engagements, you're
not doing nothing.
I be like so you don't haveengagements, you're not doing
nothing.
Like, wait a minute, why areyou not auditioning what's
happening?
What are you doing?
She wouldn't even be supportingthis.
She would be like get going.
So I know she is up thererooting for me with a cloud of
(33:14):
witnesses right now, even themore rooting her baby sister on.
So there is no way I can let herlove and support for me fall to
the ground.
We have a necklace, all of uswith a heart, and we have her
ashes in it and oftentimes,sometimes on set, they tell me
you know I can't have it out, soI tuck it in, I put it in a
pocket, but I have her on setwith me all the time, you know,
(33:37):
to remind myself Elena, tightenup.
Yeah, you sleepy, but wake up.
You're on set, be professional,get it together.
Landa's in your pocket, justlike she's in my ear.
Never her, her her love and her, her pushing me.
It never falls to the ground.
So there is no way I can stop.
It's the impossibility.
I stop when I die.
(33:57):
I still have breath.
So that lets you know I'm stillgoing.
So, as you continue to see meon facebook, you go.
Continue to see opportunity tospeak and continue to see me
acting consent.
Continue to see me, uh, openingup my shops.
Consent.
You're going to see my albumcoming soon.
I'm not playing with this thingcalled life.
It's a gift.
I would not get the grave in ifmy potential refused to do it.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
And in her honor, and you know what and you want to
get like you said, you got yoursister.
Your oldest sister isencouraging you even more and
saying don't stop, continue togo.
And I would love to know whenthat album comes out, because
you have such a beautiful voiceand I can only imagine it
becoming even more profound inthe singing and in everything
(34:40):
that you do because, like yousaid, you got londa with you.
She's like uh-uh, boo, we ain'tstopping here.
Uh-uh, keep it going.
Right through that pain cameencouragement to keep going, to
remember me always.
And, as you're remembering me,remember me in the good times
and the bad, but take those badtimes and smish them into the
(35:03):
good times and use those goodtimes as stepping stones to keep
you going to where you're goingand I know you just mentioned
that you also have a shop, socan you tell us a little bit
more about the shop and what'son, what's in the shop?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Absolutely.
Actually, I'll have two shopscoming soon.
It's the Elena Maria 360 shop.
It's just a hodgepodge ofshirts, candles, socks, bags,
suitcases, just a one-stop shopfor you to get all your sundries
and needs.
There'll be some skincare stuffin there as well, and there's
also Elena Maria 360 Beautyskincare stuff in there as well,
and there's also Elena Maria360 Beauty and that brand.
(35:38):
That shop would be specificallyfor makeup and eyeliner, eye
kits, makeup, skin totally 100%focused on beauty.
My brand in itself is ElenaMaria 360 LLC.
I chose that because ElenaMaria 360, meaning all of me,
right?
So my brands represent all ofme the singing, the acting, the
(36:01):
writing, the speaking, themobile.
You know the beauty, you knowbeauty mogul.
That you know with my shop.
So everything back to what Isaid earlier.
I refuse to give the grave anyof my potential.
God gave me gifts.
Why would I not use them?
You know, enough is enough,yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
And I actually do agree with what you just said
and I want to.
You know, everyone asks, noteveryone.
Some people have asked, somepeople have said, sandra, if
this is about the patientexperience, why are you talking
about businesses that people aredoing?
And that's because this reason,I myself am a patient and when
(36:40):
I got the diagnosis that Ireceived, I did, I refused to
say this is it.
I looked at the hourglass andinstead of looking at the
hourglass as half empty, Ilooked at it as full.
Yeah Right, and I flipped it.
And because I flipped it,that's why I keep going and
encouraging other people whenthey get a diagnosis whether
(37:02):
it's them, or whether it'ssomeone in their family, or
whether it's somebody in thecommunity that they're close to
gets a diagnosis of somethingthat they're dealing with what I
encourage them to do is to keepgoing.
Don't like Elena Marie just said, she refused to give the grave
her talent.
She ain't taking them with herright.
(37:24):
We have to use them while we'reout here.
We just have to use them whilewe're out here doing what we
need to do.
If you're a patient and you geta diagnosis, or a loved one of
a patient, you get a diagnosis,encourage them.
Hey, you know what, whileyou're sitting around feeling
sorry for yourself, what is itin life you like to do?
Why don't we look into how wecan get it done, versus not
(37:47):
doing anything at all, otherthan waiting for life to say
that's it the end, and putting aperiod on things that you want
to do and you want to have done?
Elena, maria, I so appreciateyou coming on today.
Tell your loving mother I saidhello.
I listen to her as often as Ican on her Facebook Live.
She probably is like I don'tknow who this is.
(38:08):
I be sneaking in when she's on.
I be sneaking in, trying tolisten to her as much as I
possibly can.
I give her all the blessings,peace and blessings as she
continues to go.
Please continue to keep herlifted up, right, you got to get
, but mama's down.
(38:30):
I'll be there, but I got totake care of mama first, because
family is first, right?
So continue to do that so thatshe can continue to be that
strong woman, that strongmatriarch that she is.
Yes, so that, with that beingsaid, I'm going to, we're going
to go ahead and end today'ssession and what I will say is
(38:50):
what I always say always be kind.
It costs you nothing at all tobe kind to someone.
You never know what kind of daythey're having.
You being kind makes it betterfor them.
So please be kind, add kindnessto your vocabulary and don't
just add it to your vocabularyas a noun.
(39:11):
Make being kind a verb, anaction verb at that.
Thanks, alana Marie.
I certainly appreciate you.
Thank you.
(39:40):
Have a good day you too.
Thank you.
Thank you for watching.
Well, hello everyone, goodMonday.
Well, we're doing this.
It's Monday morning, so helloeveryone Monday morning.
If you're not in the morningbut you're in the afternoon,
good afternoon.
I don't think we're on withanyone that is in the evening,
although if you're not in themorning but you're in the
(00:45):
afternoon, good afternoon.
I don't think we're on withanyone that is in the evening,
although if we're doinginternational, which we are,
there may be some people thatare are in that time for them,
so to them I say good evening.
Thank you so much once againfor joining in speaking with
sandra.
Well, what we do is we bring thepatient's experience to the
(01:08):
forefront.
We let patients explain whatthey're looking for in the
doctor, the challenges that theyface when they went to a
doctor's office or not even adoctor, but any clinician's
office what kind of care didthey receive?
And then we also make sure thatwe highlight those providers
(01:29):
that are doing their utmost bestthat they can do to make sure
that each patient they touch,irregardless as to what their
color is, irregardless as towhat their gender is and also
irregardless as to what theirsocioeconomic factors are, that
they treat us all the same.
And so often our voice getslost in a shuffle or we're
(01:52):
begging please have us at thetable when you're talking about
us.
And it doesn't happen, or itrarely happens.
Well, with the podcast, whatwe're hoping to do is to ensure
that it always happens and thatwhen providers hear us speak and
they have something that theywant us to share with us on, you
know what they're looking forin their patients.
(02:14):
Then they can come on as welland say well, you know what we
look for our patients is, butwhat we get is so that we as a
foundation, can start speakingto both parts.
So today I have a very specialguest.
She does it all, so I'm goingto let her tell you what she
(02:35):
does.
So throughout our conversation,she will be touching upon what
she does, what she does.
But it's important to know thatwhat she does as a patient has
something to do, a little bit todo, and probably right now has
(02:57):
more than just a little bit todo with why she excels at those
things that she does.
Because, as I often tell people, the patient is very often not
the patient.
The patient is that patient'sfamily, that patient's community
, and even sometimes thatpatient's doctor is a part of
that patient's network, and sotoday, alana Maria is going to
(03:19):
tell us a little bit about whatoccurred to cause her to be in
the patient experience groupthat she's currently in.
So, without further ado, I'mgoing to go ahead and get
started with the questions fortoday that I have planned just
for her and I'm hoping she'llshare, and, if you have a
comment, please do put thosecomments in the chat so that we
(03:44):
can take a look at them and wecan address them.
I do want to make thisdisclaimer what you're about the
information that you're aboutto hear is, in fact, factual.
However, we are not doctors.
We don't say that we're doctors, but what we can do is get you
the help that you need to getfrom a doctor so that you don't
(04:07):
fall victim to what we'rediscussing here, and this
happens to both men and women.
So, with that being said, I'mgoing to go ahead and ask you
can you describe your initialreaction when you received that
phone call telling you whatoccurred?
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh, my initial reaction was shock, disbelief,
sadness.
I was lost.
I can't give enough adjectivesto describe what I felt, but I
felt a little bit of everything.
I didn't know if I wanted tohit the ground.
I didn't know if I wanted tojump up and down, I didn't know
if I wanted to turn around.
I didn't know what to dobecause when I got the phone
(04:46):
call about the incident thatwe're talking about, my sister,
yolanda Williams, who wasunfortunately brutally murdered
by her husband of many years, ofmy gifts, and I was on set and
we just was taking a break, andI got that phone call from my
(05:07):
nephew and I just was soconfused and just just almost
out of my mind.
I was three and a half hoursaway actually, so I had to drive
home by myself.
Honestly, I don't know how Imade it home.
I was on autopilot, my foot wasmashed to the floor, speeding
down the interstate, trying toget from Miami back to Daytona
to get to my family, to get tomy mom, my sister.
My foot was mashed to the floor, speeding down the interstate
trying to get from Miami back toDaytona to get to my family, to
(05:28):
get to my mom, my sister, myother sister, shana, and my
sister who passed away, herchildren and everyone that I
love.
So I was just focused ongetting there, getting to them.
But I declare I felt like I wason a jet plane because one
minute I was in Miami, the nextminute I was pulling up with my
family trying to piece togethereverything.
And when I saw again everythingthat I love sitting in a room
(05:49):
together crying, it made it evenmore real.
You know, it's one thing tohear something, but then when
you pull up you see all thecards.
It's not for a cookout or acrowd war that we normally do.
You know, it's nothing unusualfor a pile of us to be together.
Unusual for a pile of us to betogether, but this time for
something that was sounperceivable and just
unnecessary and justgut-wrenching.
(06:10):
So I felt everything andnothing at all, all at the same
time.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Now I do want to say this, and you said it, you know.
You said I don't know how I didit.
And I tell people when they saythings happen and they're like.
And I tell people when they saythings happen and they're like,
excuse me, they're like Sandra,I don't know how I did it, but
God, and always remember, butGod, whatever your spirituality
is, remember that that's whoactually carried you through.
(06:36):
It's like that Because, likeyou said, you was three and a
half hours away.
You know, and I remember it wasa point in time when I was very
, very sick and my family,because I'm in Chicago, my
family's on the East Coast, itwas my sister.
My nephew said Aunt Sandy, Ithink she must have been driving
(07:01):
about 90 miles an hour to getto you.
And you know, know, the copsstopped her and she just said
just give me the ticket, I'mgoing to take her myself.
Just give me the ticket, right,so I can just about imagine you
doing the same thing like giveme the ticket.
I ain't going to argue with you,just give me the ticket, I'll
pay it and keep going rightthings like that happen, but I'm
(07:22):
glad to say and I'm glad to seethat you safely.
Yeah, you are going right, andthe only person that could have
gotten you there is god oh yeahover you this whole time.
It's god, you know, leading godand you, and yes, there, you
know, sometimes in our life wehit patches where they're not
(07:45):
the patches that we want to hityeah right, but god gives us.
So thank you so much for thatand I'm glad to see, and I'm
glad to know that you wereactually able to get home safely
, amen.
How has this experienceimpacted your view on domestic
violence?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
and how it impacts families.
Oh, my goodness.
So it's one thing to livevicariously through another
person, right, you can be like,oh, I sympathize.
But in my case now, I cansympathize and empathize because
I've had to live through it andit is not a good feeling, it's
(08:26):
just thinking back on what youcould have done, how could I
have fixed it, how could I havehelped, how could I have made it
better?
So, when, what?
What it has changed as far asmy outlook on domestic violence
has caused me to be a voice.
At this point I am increasingone of my other gifting that
speak.
I'm a speaker and I want toshare the message far and wide,
along with my mother, annette LAnderson, speaking about and
(08:48):
providing resources andencouraging people who are in
those situations.
You know, to realize thatdoesn't have to be the end of
the story.
You know there is help outthere and a lot of people are
afraid because their partnerthreatens them I'll kill you,
your family, whatever the casemay be, or they may feel
hopeless, or they don't have themoney to go, or the means or
the family, or they just don'tfeel strong enough.
(09:08):
So that makes me want to, youknow, be a voice and an advocate
for those who are going throughthat situation.
A lot of times people thinkabout, oh, the kids, but the
extended family.
You know, my sister's been mysister, that's my older sister
Since the day I came into theworld.
She's loved me, you know.
(09:29):
So her absence is just, it'sjust sickening, sometimes when I
want to pick up the phone, orsometimes it's absent-minded.
Let me call her Linda, let mecall Linda, but she's not going
to answer.
You know what I mean.
And so those, those emotionsthat you go through, and they'll
be this, this will be alifelong, lifelong journey for
me.
I'll never get over my sister'sdeath.
I'm going to tell you thatright now.
Um, I learned to live throughit and live with the facts,
(09:51):
because a part of life is thebible says the time to live in,
the time to die.
It's a part of the journey.
Um, so death hurts either way.
Whether someone has cancer or,you know, a car, whatever the
situation is, it hurts to lose.
I don't care if they're 99 or100 years old.
That hurts because you lovethem.
But when it's attached to trauma, it adds that extra layer of
(10:13):
why.
You know that hopelessness, allthese questions you ask God,
why me, why her, why us?
Why the children?
The terrible act he did infront of my nephew?
You know what I mean and he'sonly 14 years old.
So there's another layer oftrauma.
You know what I mean.
All the kids are hurting, butthis baby actually saw his
mother on the ground.
You know what I mean.
And he has to wake up every dayreliving those horrible,
(10:37):
horrible, horrible traumas.
But to your question, how again?
How does how?
Has it changed me?
I hold those babies so muchmore tighter.
I've always loved them.
We've always had a relationship.
Um, but we, me and my sisterShauna we make sure to stand in
the gap, to stand in the paint,to hold locked arms with those
kids and let them know that theyare loved and supported and we
(10:57):
don't drop the ball in any areaof their lives.
We are there, lock, stock andbarrel, holding it down.
So it has changed me in ways.
I will tell you.
It gave me a little bit of PTSD, if you want me to be totally
transparent, honestly, because Iwas in a store and I heard a
husband yell at his wife in sucha tone.
(11:17):
I jumped and looked and I justwanted to go and grab her and
hug her.
You know what I mean.
Right, she laughed it off, butfor me I left feeling grieved.
You know what I mean Because Ihad a lived experience and you
know my past.
You know the trauma that I'mstill going through.
My sister hasn't been gone ayear.
It'd be August 2nd would be ayear.
So we haven't, we're stillfresh.
(11:38):
You know, one of her childrenlived with me, two live with my
other sister.
So we wake up daily reminded ofthe absence.
And then we have our mother.
That we have to, you know, holdup each side of her arms and
make sure she's okay.
So it has definitely changedthe way I view the world and it
has made me my motto I refuse togive the grave any of my
(11:59):
potential.
It made me realize that life isfleeting, it's short, so give
life everything you've got.
And that's what.
Since then, I've turned up thefire a little bit more with
going after my dreams, goals,passions, like literally nothing
can stop me and I push forwardin honor of my sister's legacy,
my children and her children, tomake sure that we leave.
(12:20):
I leave something behind to letthem make sure that they're
okay.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Yeah, leave, I leave something behind to let them
make sure that they're okay.
Yeah, and I thank you so muchfor for you, you know, telling
that story and letting us know.
You know, okay, I wasn't thevictim, my sister was, but when
that happened, I became thevictim, I became the patient.
Right, I wasn't looking forwardto this.
Her children, you know.
(12:44):
Her son, you know.
For life he's marred andscarred because he's going to
carry that with him.
So when that incident happened,it made you a patient, it made
your nephew a patient, yourwhole family a patient, and not
just your family but thecommunity that she belonged to.
So what's?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
your hope for them, and not just your family, but
the community that she belongedto.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Yes, so what you told me was just as devastating when
this happened, Because she wasa really good, a vital part of
the community she lived in.
She lived it.
So you know whether you're aman or a woman.
If you're going throughsomething that you think might
(13:27):
turn into a trauma like this,please say something.
You know, see something, saysomething.
You never know Right, butwhatever it is that you're going
through, don't continue to gothrough it thinking you're going
to change.
He or she will change.
They won't hurt me.
They said they wouldn't hurt.
(13:48):
Don't, yeah, don't.
Don't.
Don't put yourself in thatsituation, because there's way
too many people that areinvolved with altercations such
as what happened with yoursister.
Yeah, my next question to youis this In what ways do you
think awareness about domesticviolence can be improved in this
society?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
In what ways do I think wellness about?
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
What ways do you think awareness about domestic
violence can be improved in thissociety?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Oh, awareness can be improved.
Oh, my goodness.
So one thing is Black.
I can speak from a blackexperience.
We need to talk about it more.
We don't talk about you know,we talk Jesus, he's good, ha,
he's great ha.
Yes, but there are also peoplewho can provide counseling for
(14:38):
the things that are unspoken.
So, the Black community, we cando a little bit more, making
sure in our churches havingflyers and when we have our
bulletin board talking about thenext conference.
But we also can have a flyer onour bulletin board saying you
need help, here's a number.
You know what I mean.
So, making sure that there'smore visuals for people to see
that there is help.
Sometimes, just one moment, onemoment can change someone's life
(15:01):
.
Walking out of that building ofthe church, you look and see
that flyer.
Oh, one moment can changesomeone's life.
Walking out of that building ofthe church, you look and see
that flyer.
Oh my God, I can't go home andget beat.
Today they call that number.
So that's one way to improve isto use, you know, the areas that
we, as black Americans,frequent the most.
Make sure that they know thereare resources out there and help
take away the stigma of shameand also that that stigma of
(15:21):
teaching.
Well, just stick with it.
I'm not advocating divorce, butwhat I'm saying is love doesn't
hurt, not in that capacity, youknow.
So changing some of ourlanguage is something that we
can correct when it comes togetting the message out there
for domestic violence, changingthe way we speak about it, being
(15:42):
more vocal about it People whohave went through it speaking
you know if you're able to talkabout it we're so used to like I
can say I can only speak aboutthe black community.
In it or in the past, everythingis a hush trauma.
Just stay in our household.
What happens in our household,stay in our household.
And then that leads fromgenerational trauma and it goes
on and on.
And so your niece got beat,your great niece got beat, your
(16:04):
great, great great niece gotbeat, your great niece got beat,
your great great great niecegot beat because they think
that's the norm.
That's not healthy and it's notnormal.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
You are not an animal .
Speaker 2 (16:11):
You are not a dog.
You are a human being whodeserves love and you don't have
to stay.
So that's another thingchanging you know the way we
communicate about it.
Speak up, say something in ourcommunities, at the.
I know a lot around Daytonathere's a lot of knitting clubs
and you know they have alldifferent activities where
people go and work out and theywork out in the park.
(16:32):
Just making sure there'sliterature out there.
You know what I mean Showing up, being present, those who are
advocates for it, just makingsure people are aware, because a
lot of times they feel aloneand sometimes you just need to
hear you're not alone.
So those are some ways rightthere to start.
Start in our own community,right here, right with our
neighbors and our friends, rightin our churches, right in our
(16:53):
gyms, right in our communityclubs.
Have literature and stuffavailable to let people know
you're not alone.
We can just start right thereand that'll make the biggest
impact because we'll learn toshh instead of speaking.
We need to break that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And that's so very, very true, and I'm sure it
happens in other communities.
Of course.
We're talking about themarginalized, underserved
communities who are alreadysuffering so much.
We're suffering and there'sways that we can be helped.
There's things that we shouldexpect or we could expect and
there's ways that we can behelped.
There's things that we shouldexpect or we could expect and
(17:30):
there's things that we can doand that we should do.
Make sure that, no matter whatkind of patient you are, you're
getting help.
There's help that's out there.
But we have to stop, you know,keeping everything a secret.
Some secrets are made to betold.
As I write in my chapter in theanthology book that I'm in Now
(17:51):
it doesn't cover trauma fromthis standpoint, but it's the
same across the board.
Some secrets are meant to betold.
They make them so that youcould tell them.
So if they're saying don't tell, don't tell, I would tell
because there's something goingon.
So I would definitely tell andI would definitely say something
(18:12):
.
And once again, we are ourbrother and sisters.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
We are.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
So if we see something, we need to say
something.
If you're seeing something,there's all kinds of signs and
stuff that you could put, thatthe victims could mark on their
bodies and everything that willlet someone know.
Okay, that person got this bluesign or this green sign.
They must need some help.
Let me just go check or callsomeone.
(18:40):
If you don't feel comfortable,call someone and say, hey, I
think there's an incident goingon over here.
Can we get over here to check?
Yeah, but we have to saysomething, we have to provide,
we actually have to actuallycare.
Kindness is free.
It doesn't cost a thing to bekind.
So we have to be kind and wehave to speak up.
(19:01):
If we ask the person, they'relike yeah, I'm good.
I tell people all the time.
If you ask someone how they'redoing and they say I'm good, you
shouldn't be okay.
They said they good, you shouldbe.
Well.
What does good mean?
Dig a little further.
Don't just let them say I'mgood or everything's great.
(19:23):
What that mean, and listenempathetically.
Listen to their responses thatthey're giving you, because very
often those responses will tellyou signs of there's something
going on that needs to bechecked out.
You can actually pull them tothe side at that point and say,
hey, I know you said you wasgood, but then you also said, so
(19:46):
, which one is it?
So just don't let them stop andsay, hey, I'm good, I'm great.
Make them tell you what that is.
Make them tell you what thatgood looks like or that great
looks like, so that you can pullwhat's really going on out of
them.
I see that Carolyn and goodmorning Carolyn, good morning
(20:06):
Myra.
And Carolyn Coleman is sayingthere are no boundaries to
domestic violence.
I totally agree.
I mean, I'm not a victim ofdomestic violence, but I do know
people who have went throughdomestic violence situations,
both men and women, and thereare no boundaries yeah,
absolutely it shouldn't occur.
(20:28):
I mean it really shouldn't.
If you get that mad or upsetwith somebody that you think
that what the solution is foryou, bopping them upside their
head or stabbing them over andover repeatedly, you need help,
and you need to get help now,because you don't have the
authority no one's giving youthe authority to take this
person out of this world.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yeah, and the aftermath, the trail of tears
that it leaves, is justmonumental.
Don't think about tomorrow,just think in the moment.
But that one moment shifts somany lives, right?
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Exactly and you know what, and so that's the victim
that's going through that, butthe person that's actually doing
it, their family, is just asimpacted as the person you did
it to.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Oh, absolutely, I can tell you that right now, the
family of the abuser of mysister they are just beside
themselves, you know.
And also we got to betransparent.
It caused someuncomfortableness because now,
for families who were bonded foryears now trying to figure out
what is our place now, how do weinteract?
(21:38):
You know what I'm saying?
Walking on eggshells, becausethey still love us, but they
know that someone that they lovecaused an offense, so they
don't think about how the rippleeffect I mean it's cause and
effect, so they don't thinkabout how the ripple effect I
mean it's like a tsunami you seethe wave coming and then how
many hotels and people itknocked down, you don't know how
big and how wide the tidal waveis.
(21:58):
But, yeah, that one decisioncreated such a nightmare.
Just to be honest, and justtrying to establish boundaries
with people, um, it just madethings so uncomfortable when it
didn't need to be.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
So you know yeah, and carolyn, I agree you said
that's not love and you're bothand you already wrote down you
both have to heal.
It takes time to heal.
Oh yeah.
Incidents like this happen,where you can't bring the person
back.
That time to heal is forever.
Oh yeah, right, you can't bringthem back.
(22:36):
I mean, it's different if youknow the person is still living
and, yeah, you're hurt and youknow you get through it day by
day and you know you pump, pump,you know you encourage them and
empower them to feel better.
But sincerely, if they're gone,your healing process is a
lifetime.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
End of day Cause it always remains with you.
Now, speaking of that, I wantto.
I want you to tell us whatsupport systems and coping
strategies have you foundhelpful since the loss.
But before we get into thecoping systems and the strategy,
I do know at one point in timeyour family was working on a
(23:17):
nonprofit to help victims.
How is that all going?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
It's actually going pretty good.
We had to pause for a minute,uh, because my mother I say
everybody is hurting, but mymother carried my sister and
that's the one we're trying tohold up.
She has had some, some momentsand some days where just being
hurt to be just hurt, everybreath she took hurt, you know.
(23:46):
So sometimes reliving it wastoo much and so, as we were get
trying to get things together,if she needed a pause, we took
the pause because we want tocare for her in her latter years
and, you know, support her tothe best of our ability.
So if she needed a pause, wewill fall back to allow her to.
Okay, now, now I got strengthagain, so we're the ball is back
(24:06):
rolling.
With that, we got the 800number up, um, working on the
what's the 501c.
So we at the background, we'reworking, but we we have to just
support our mom through theefforts that.
So, yeah, that at a time.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
That's right, hey, at a time that's right's right
when you are completely and,like you said, it's a fresh
wound.
It hasn't even been in here yet.
Who's to say how things aregoing to look as we get closer
to August?
The whole family might justbreak down.
You have that right to do that.
(24:43):
You have that right to saywe're not doing anything.
We let's get past this humpthat's right then we can
continue to pick it back upagain.
It's not a rush for it oh,absolutely, absolutely because
look, sadly, the issue ofdomestic violence and the
domestic abuse.
Sadly it's not going to stopyeah it, it's not isolated Right
(25:06):
.
So there's going to always bepeople that need the help that
your nonprofit is set up to doAbsolutely Right.
So I'll go back and ask youagain what support systems and
coping strategies have you foundhelpful since the loss?
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Well, the main thing is togetherness.
We didn't allow the grief thatyou sit in the corner over here.
You sit in the corner, no, no,no, no, no.
We get together, like Mother'sDay.
I can say Mother's Day is myniece and the nephew First
Mother's Day, my mother and mysister, first time without my
sister.
For Mother's Day we went on alittle dinner cruise with all
(25:45):
the kids, with my mom, and wecelebrated and not a tear was
shed for the first time in along time.
So, just being together, makingsure the kids are around their
cousins, still with theirgrandma, not isolating and
separating.
Okay, you two are here, you twoare no, making sure that we'll
still have togetherness.
Um, that's one of the copingmechanisms.
We just maintaining our familyunit, but also counseling.
(26:09):
Every last one of us are incounseling.
Okay, we go to the therapist,snot cry, beg, yell, scream,
whatever needs to be done to getit out and to and to be able to
go on about your day-to-day,because here's a harsh reality
about loss or you know, peopledon't think about Just because
somebody passes away.
Your bills don't stop coming.
Your life don't stop.
(26:31):
You still have obligations youhave to meet.
You still have children thathave to go to school.
You still have homework.
You have to wipe your eyeswhile you're doing that paper
and keep helping them with thatmath.
You see what I'm saying.
So life continues to roll asyou're grieving.
It doesn't stop.
Oh, elena's already awake.
No, earth is still spinning.
Earth is still going.
(26:53):
Still the same 24 hours in theday.
However, we wanted to make apoint to not drag ourselves down
so low where we just couldn'tfunction.
All of us are in therapy.
That is the healthiest thingthat we could have ever done.
To have an unbiased person whodidn't know her.
Because we can talk to anybodyin the community and just want
to share and they're going tocry harder than we are because
she was so loved and supported.
(27:14):
You know what I mean.
They cry, we cry, the neighborcry, oh, y'all talking about
long.
Oh, somebody else cryingbecause she has such a beautiful
aura and spirit.
But being able to talk to anunbiased person who didn't know
her they just hear what we sayabout her and able to unload and
talk and get some sound adviceand a good sounding board where
we can just truly let it outwith somebody trying to
(27:35):
over-talk you and tell you abouttheir experience.
Sometimes, no disrespect, weappreciate the love we get, but
sometimes I don't want to hearyour story, I just need to get
it out in the moment, so thattherapy is the same place where
we can just dump and, you know,be okay.
So those are the copingmechanism.
We stay together and then we gotalk to the man at the Yumpy,
we go talk to the man on thecouch over the computer.
(27:56):
We go talk to the man and getit out and just learn how to
adapt to the new, our new worldwithout her it's a strange place
without her, but it's thereality of our current place.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yeah, and thank you for bringing that up and this is
a reminder to everyone.
Sometimes, when people aregoing through things, they don't
need for you to input whathappened to you into that
conversation.
They just need you toempathetically hear what they're
saying.
Hearing and listening are twodifferent things.
(28:31):
When you're hearing something,you're hearing it and you're
able to grasp it.
But when you're listening, it'slike you're in listen mode so
that you could respond, andsometimes people don't need you
to respond.
Sometimes they just need you tohear what it is they're saying.
Let them get it out.
If you want to add to theconversation, come back a day or
(28:51):
two later and then say, hey,you ready to talk about what you
were talking about the otherday.
But when that initially happensand I know that people are
trying to help, right, they'rejust trying to help because they
love the person just as much asyou did and they think, well,
let me just let them know thatthey're not in this by
themselves.
But sometimes we have to walkthat path by ourselves and you
(29:15):
know you interjecting in themiddle of everything, it makes
it worse, because then theperson is still guess what.
They still had that baggagethat they were trying to let you
you know be a part of.
They're still holding on to itbecause you interjected right in
the middle of what they weresaying and the conversation got
(29:36):
lost, so that when they leaveyou they're still holding on to
baggage that they shouldn't beholding on to.
So thank you so much forbringing that information up.
Now I know you do, like I said,you do so many things.
And as I see you doing thesethings.
So we don't get to the goodstuff, which we've already been
talking about the good stuff,but we don't get to the good
(29:59):
stuff of after the pain, afterthe therapy or during the
therapy.
I got to make it up in my mindwhat am I going to do so that my
sister's memory, her legacy,will always live on?
So let's talk about one thefact that you are an
international bestselling authorand you haven't let what's
(30:22):
occurred with your sister.
You haven't let that stop you.
And after she passed away, youwere like, okay, well, that's it
, I'm not writing anymore, I'mputting that book up, I'm
putting my thoughts up inreference to that.
You kept writing.
So could you tell us a littlebit and I know a little bit
about the backstory.
(30:43):
Your sister wouldn't havewanted you to stop.
She's like, uh-uh, you betterkeep going.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
So could you tell, just say a little bit about what
your thought process is, asyou're continuing to write and
she's continuing to be on thetop of your thoughts, of course.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So my sister, like I said, she's loved me from day
one.
My sister has been good to mefrom the womb.
She's six years my senior and Idon't have a bad memory of her,
as a you know, being my bigsister, ever trying to fight on
me or pinch on me.
She always took good, good,good, good, good care of me.
Even until my adulthood she wasmy biggest supporter.
(31:20):
You hear what I say Every bookI wrote, if I post a Facebook
post, if there's a misspellingor a comment, she'll say, hey,
fix that word, like my sisterwas on me about everything I
want you to represent yourselfin the best light.
Fix this, fix that.
Where's your book?
You procrastinating?
You told me it's going to dothis by Thursday, didn't you say
you was going here?
You have an acting gig tomorrow, right?
(31:43):
She would be reminding me ofthings that I mean she just she
had me straight, she loved.
She's not a jealous bone in herbody.
She saw me beginning to excelwith my speaking and starting to
act, and she was on top ofevery move I made, and me and my
mom and my sister Shauna wethought it was so funny because
her the drill started becauseshe didn't play by her baby
(32:05):
sister, and so I mean she didn'tlet not one thing fall to the
ground.
She would text me at 12 o'clockGet that off of Facebook.
I don't like that.
That doesn't represent you.
Get that off.
Like no nonsense.
She was all about making surethat I represented myself the
(32:30):
way.
I just missed her.
So I stopped speaking for awhile because the children were
with me for a bit and you know,one day I went from just my
children to you know, herchildren moved in from there
until we had to get thingssorted out, and so I needed to
take a moment and focus on whatwas important at the moment
making sure those babies'well-being was, you know, in
good hand and make sure auntiewas okay and, you know, just
making sure we were good.
So I kind of slowed down on thespeaking while getting our
(32:52):
bearings right and then, oncethings started getting to
somewhat normalcy, I was likeElena, if my sister were here
right now, she'd be like so youdon't have engagements, you're
not doing nothing.
I be like so you don't haveengagements, you're not doing
nothing.
Like, wait a minute, why areyou not auditioning what's
happening?
What are you doing?
She wouldn't even be supportingthis.
She would be like get going.
So I know she is up thererooting for me with a cloud of
(33:14):
witnesses right now, even themore rooting her baby sister on.
So there is no way I can let herlove and support for me fall to
the ground.
We have a necklace, all of uswith a heart, and we have her
ashes in it and oftentimes,sometimes on set, they tell me
you know I can't have it out, soI tuck it in, I put it in a
pocket, but I have her on setwith me all the time, you know,
(33:37):
to remind myself Elena, tightenup.
Yeah, you sleepy, but wake up.
You're on set, be professional,get it together.
Landa's in your pocket, justlike she's in my ear.
Never her, her her love and her, her pushing me.
It never falls to the ground.
So there is no way I can stop.
It's the impossibility.
I stop when I die.
(33:57):
I still have breath.
So that lets you know I'm stillgoing.
So, as you continue to see meon facebook, you go.
Continue to see opportunity tospeak and continue to see me
acting consent.
Continue to see me, uh, openingup my shops.
Consent.
You're going to see my albumcoming soon.
I'm not playing with this thingcalled life.
It's a gift.
I would not get the grave in ifmy potential refused to do it.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
And in her honor, and you know what and you want to
get like you said, you got yoursister.
Your oldest sister isencouraging you even more and
saying don't stop, continue togo.
And I would love to know whenthat album comes out, because
you have such a beautiful voiceand I can only imagine it
becoming even more profound inthe singing and in everything
(34:40):
that you do because, like yousaid, you got londa with you.
She's like uh-uh, boo, we ain'tstopping here.
Uh-uh, keep it going.
Right through that pain cameencouragement to keep going, to
remember me always.
And, as you're remembering me,remember me in the good times
and the bad, but take those badtimes and smish them into the
(35:03):
good times and use those goodtimes as stepping stones to keep
you going to where you're goingand I know you just mentioned
that you also have a shop, socan you tell us a little bit
more about the shop and what'son, what's in the shop?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Absolutely.
Actually, I'll have two shopscoming soon.
It's the Elena Maria 360 shop.
It's just a hodgepodge ofshirts, candles, socks, bags,
suitcases, just a one-stop shopfor you to get all your sundries
and needs.
There'll be some skincare stuffin there as well, and there's
also Elena Maria 360 Beautyskincare stuff in there as well,
and there's also Elena Maria360 Beauty and that brand.
(35:38):
That shop would be specificallyfor makeup and eyeliner, eye
kits, makeup, skin totally 100%focused on beauty.
My brand in itself is ElenaMaria 360 LLC.
I chose that because ElenaMaria 360, meaning all of me,
right?
So my brands represent all ofme the singing, the acting, the
(36:01):
writing, the speaking, themobile.
You know the beauty, you knowbeauty mogul.
That you know with my shop.
So everything back to what Isaid earlier.
I refuse to give the grave anyof my potential.
God gave me gifts.
Why would I not use them?
You know, enough is enough,yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
And I actually do agree with what you just said
and I want to.
You know, everyone asks, noteveryone.
Some people have asked, somepeople have said, sandra, if
this is about the patientexperience, why are you talking
about businesses that people aredoing?
And that's because this reason,I myself am a patient and when
(36:40):
I got the diagnosis that Ireceived, I did, I refused to
say this is it.
I looked at the hourglass andinstead of looking at the
hourglass as half empty, Ilooked at it as full.
Yeah Right, and I flipped it.
And because I flipped it,that's why I keep going and
encouraging other people whenthey get a diagnosis whether
(37:02):
it's them, or whether it'ssomeone in their family, or
whether it's somebody in thecommunity that they're close to
gets a diagnosis of somethingthat they're dealing with what I
encourage them to do is to keepgoing.
Don't like Elena Marie just said, she refused to give the grave
her talent.
She ain't taking them with herright.
(37:24):
We have to use them while we'reout here.
We just have to use them whilewe're out here doing what we
need to do.
If you're a patient and you geta diagnosis, or a loved one of
a patient, you get a diagnosis,encourage them.
Hey, you know what, whileyou're sitting around feeling
sorry for yourself, what is itin life you like to do?
Why don't we look into how wecan get it done, versus not
(37:47):
doing anything at all, otherthan waiting for life to say
that's it the end, and putting aperiod on things that you want
to do and you want to have done?
Elena, maria, I so appreciateyou coming on today.
Tell your loving mother I saidhello.
I listen to her as often as Ican on her Facebook Live.
She probably is like I don'tknow who this is.
(38:08):
I be sneaking in when she's on.
I be sneaking in, trying tolisten to her as much as I
possibly can.
I give her all the blessings,peace and blessings as she
continues to go.
Please continue to keep herlifted up, right, you got to get
, but mama's down.
(38:30):
I'll be there, but I got totake care of mama first, because
family is first, right?
So continue to do that so thatshe can continue to be that
strong woman, that strongmatriarch that she is.
Yes, so that, with that beingsaid, I'm going to, we're going
to go ahead and end today'ssession and what I will say is
(38:50):
what I always say always be kind.
It costs you nothing at all tobe kind to someone.
You never know what kind of daythey're having.
You being kind makes it betterfor them.
So please be kind, add kindnessto your vocabulary and don't
just add it to your vocabularyas a noun.
(39:11):
Make being kind a verb, anaction verb at that.
Thanks, alana Marie.
I certainly appreciate you.
Thank you.
(39:40):
Have a good day you too.
Thank you.
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