040 Relating To Your Past Self: The Philosophy of Fitness Ep.30

Are you regretful of the past? Or do you long for a previous version of yourself? How can we frame the past to best serve us today? Tali and Cody explore these ideas and more on this episode of The Philosophy Of Fitness Series.

01:25 What are your bad habits? The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

05:52 How do we compare our current self to our past selves? Are you moving and changing, like a flowing river? Or are you stagnant like a putrid pond?

16:45 Is the desire for a past version of ourselves a positive motivator, or a wistful regret? 

24:31 How can we manage our reactions to atrophy or perishable skills that have been lost? Is there power in re-framing your past with your current perspectives? 

40:40 Tools to let go if you're stuck in the past: Meditation, Re-framing, Taking on a new pursuit, practicing gratitude, Metta: loving kindness, Journal the lessons learned -self-knowledge- and plan on how to apply those lessons in positive ways, take pressure off of yourself by recognizing that the present moment is a new beginning, Start where you're at

55:04 You get to choose how a "defining moment" defines you

Couples - Proven Fitness & Intimacy Practices To Achieve Your Health and Relationship Goals Together!
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Episode Transcript

Cody (00:16):
Hi, this is Cody Limbaugh.

Tali (00:17):
And I'm Tali Zabari, and you're listening to the
Philosophy of Fitness podcast

Cody (00:22):
on the Live All Your Life Network.

(00:43):
Hi.
Hey baby.
How's it going, honey?
Great.

Tali (00:46):
Have a great weekend.
It has been a great weekend.
I'm really excited that it'sSunday today and I saw somebody
that I follow online asking theyset up a poll of if their Sunday
is going to be productive,restful, or both?
And it seems like we

Cody (01:02):
went for both.
That's the idea.
So far it has not beenproductive.
Discounts is productive.
Oh, okay.
Podcast

Tali (01:09):
is fun.
I love doing the podcast onSundays because it feels like it
meets our objective in terms oflike wanting to have quality
time together and it's contentfor the biz.
So I think it, I think it'sgreat.
Thanks.

Cody (01:25):
Yeah.
Well, you said you had anicebreaker.
You told me yesterday, but I

Tali (01:28):
forgot I told you what the icebreaker is, so maybe you
thought about it, maybe youdidn't, but you groaned when I
told you what it was.
I remember that.
I thought it would be fun toshare what we consider to be our
bad habits.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Do you remember now?

Cody (01:43):
Yeah.
I did not give it a lot ofthought.
Because I think that a, the wordhabit kind of brings to mind
like certain activities that youdo on a repetitive basis.
Yeah.
And I feel like most of my badhabits are the things that I
beat myself up for the most.

(02:04):
Or the self-critical things aremore like mental habits, like
ways of thinking orprocrastination, shit like that.
Well,

Tali (02:14):
I have some pretty specific ones.
If you'd like me to go first, gofirst.
I can maybe set the stage.
So I thought about this as I wassitting at my computer and I
came up with the topic fortoday's podcast and I was
pulling at my split ends.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And I was like, God damn, Ican't believe I still do this.

(02:34):
It's so annoying.
So yeah, just with using heattools and.
Dying my hair.
I have some damaged hair kind ofon a regular basis.
And so my ends are split and Iget a lot of enjoyment out of
like pulling them apart mm-hmm.
Or yanking them out.
And it's really bad for yourhair, but it's more like I get

(02:57):
into this tunnel vision with itand I really enjoy it.
It's really satisfying, butit's, yeah, you get really into
it.
I know.
And I look like a crazy person.
Cause I'm like tweezing at myhair, like right in front of my
face.
I like to do it at the computerbecause it has like a good
backdrop so that I can see themreally well, but

Cody (03:16):
just to pulling'em apart.
Make it worse.
Yeah.
Like way worse.
That's

Tali (03:20):
why I try to get like haircuts scheduled regularly so
that they're not an issue.
You just got a haircut, but Ialso just need to.
My hair back to keep from doingit, but I also enjoy it.
So it's a bad habit, but like, Ilike it.

Cody (03:34):
Well of course we get, we always get something from our
habits.
That's the whole point of, yeah.
Of what, how habits get startedis that you have like Charles
Duhigg's book, the Power ofHabit, he talks about how habits
are formed and it's like a cuethat causes an action and then
there's a reward and sometimesit's not a good reward for us.

(03:56):
Yeah.
But it is what it is.
And that's why people have ahabit of like check in their
phone cause they get a littledopamine hit.
That's the reward I get

Tali (04:02):
dopamine hits from and yeah.
Pulling my split end, but justto give you an idea of like how
deep this runs, I think, youknow, but anyway, listening
probably doesn't know.
I used to get sent to detentionfor that when I would do it in
school for screwing with yourhair in school.
Yeah.
And I always tribute it,attribute it to a d d at the

Cody (04:23):
time.
Did you say detention?
Detention.
That seems really harsh.

Tali (04:27):
I wasn't paying attention.
That was like the underlyingissue.
Okay.
However, when I started gettingmedicated for a d d I wouldn't
do it anymore.
Mm.
And so it's just kind of like acomfy place to be and I can do
it forever.
I can do for hours if left toit.
But yeah, it, it drives me nutsbecause I know that I'm not

(04:48):
listening.
I know that I'm not doinganything productive and I'm
ruining my hair.
But that was one particular onethat came to mind.
I have more,

Cody (04:56):
don't we all?
Yeah.
What are some of mine?
You can just

Tali (05:00):
point out Ooh.
Oh gosh.
You want me to pull out one ofyour bad

Cody (05:03):
habits?

Tali (05:07):
Yeah.
Okay.
I can think of one.
Okay.
When you get undressed for theday, you take off your clothes
and just like leave them on thefloor and.
You like I always call it yourtrench.
Mm-hmm.
You have like a pile of clothesby the side of your bed on a
regular basis and it normallywouldn't bother me so much, but

(05:28):
it only bothers me becausethat's also the entrance to our
bedroom.
So your side of the room getskind of scary.
Yeah.
Yeah.

Cody (05:40):
You know, I sleep toward the door to, as the protector
mm-hmm.
Of the room.
Yeah.
Always sleep toward the door.
I appreciate that.
Mm-hmm.

Tali (05:48):
Cool.
Happy to help I guess.
Alright, so today's episode isbased around our past selves and
I kind of wanna leave it at thatbecause I.
Feel like I had a particular wayof looking at this that was kind
of inherently negative.

(06:10):
But I don't wanna steer theconversation that way or prompt
the whole thing that way.
Mm-hmm.
So I wanna leave it open for, ininterpretation completely.
So our past selves, and that isin the gym, out of the gym and
just that experience withcomparison and how, how can we
interact with that past self ina way that's maybe more

(06:32):
productive than what happensnaturally or the bad habits
around it.
Yeah,

Cody (06:38):
it's interesting cuz as with almost every one of our
topics, there's sort of like afew different angles you could
take.
Yeah.
Some are not negative and someare, and it's sometimes tough to
know which is which.
Like as far as healthy habits orproductive habits or whatever
your objective is for.

(06:59):
Thinking about your past self.
Mm-hmm.
The first thing that comes tomind is like the Buddhist idea
that we are not our past selves,we're not the same person.
That there is no self i'd for along time.
When I would hear that as aphilosophical term, there is no
such thing as the self.
I'd be like, that's fuckingbullshit.
Like, I'm me, like this, I amme.

(07:20):
Like how else are you gonnadefine me?
But I kind of understand it alittle bit differently now in
that we think of ourselves asthis sort of like continuous
person from the time we're bornto the time we die, that, that
there's this identity that wefeel.
But it's a little bit like theanalogy of the river where, you

(07:41):
know, it's the same river butit's not the same water.
Right?
You can never step in the sameriver twice because the water's
constantly changing.
Yes.
So there's like this present youthat is different from you 10
minutes ago or 10 years ago orwhatever.
So That's the first thing thatcomes to mind is the we.
We can compare ourselves to ourpast self and we can use it as

(08:02):
sort of a positive or negativetool or a way to influence us in
positive or negative ways.
But the reality is we're notthat person.
Yeah.
And we never will be thatperson.
That person is dead like you,me, 10 years ago is dead.

Tali (08:17):
I think that's entirely dependent on though, on how you
wanna think about it.
Some people feel a lot ofcomfort or just I think have the
belief that we aren't pliable orthat we don't have the capacity
to be.
Totally different people.

Cody (08:35):
I think that's lame.
I think there's, I think

Tali (08:38):
there's some, not to pass judgment,

Cody (08:42):
I think there's some continuity, which is why I like
the analogy of the river.
Like the, that river may be thesame quote unquote river for
hundreds of years going down thesame path, but different water.
And I think what you're made ofsort of changes over time.
If you're the type of personwho's living an examined life,
an intentional life, someonewho's interested in growth, and

(09:04):
living all your live, all yourlife, like, that's the title of
our podcast.
Live All Your Life.
And it speaks to a type ofperson who's trying to live in
intentional existence and likedo the best they can kind of
thing.
And I, I know it's easy to saylike, well, everybody's just
doing the best they can.
And I suppose in a way that'strue.
But you and I both know thatthere are some people who sort

(09:26):
of slip into this rut of comfortzone where they are Okay.
Being an unchanging person.
Mm-hmm.
And everybody that we knowthat's like, that is also kind
of fucking miserable.
Like, right.
I mean, well,

Tali (09:42):
yeah.
I was trying to think of like,what would the analogy be of a
river that isn't moving, likeriver stagnant water.
Well, rivers don't freeze over,do they?
At least not entirely.
Well,

Cody (09:52):
it depends on where they are, but Yeah.
But running water, sh Yeah,moving water Yeah.
Doesn't freeze and it doesn'tget stagnant.
Like you can drink.
It's a lot safer to drink fromrunning water than a stagnant
pond.
Right.
With crap growing in it.
Right.
Right.
And so it's, it's the same, thestagnation is gross.
Like, and I see that in peopleand it's just, they're kind of

(10:14):
like a stagnant pond to me.
People who just kind of like areOkay.
Being stuck and blaming.
You know, I, I associate thatvery strongly with people who
have an external locus ofcontrol, meaning like, they're
the victim of circumstance andeverything is happening to them
and they don't have a lot ofagency in their life.

(10:35):
Sure.
Or they don't claim it.
And I, I associate all that as,as sort of this very related
thing.
So

Tali (10:42):
do you think though that people are rivers regardless of
their perception of it, likepeople are, are they going to
change even kind of quoteunquote against their own will?

Cody (10:55):
Well, there's always aging, right?
Right.
Like times' ticking.
Yeah.
And none of us are getting anyyounger.
Right.
So there's a physiologicalchange of course, but I think
it's also like that stagnation.
Well,

Tali (11:07):
don't you think the deepening of the groove of
stagnation even.
Is change in and of itself.
Like you can make those rutsdeeper and deeper and deeper.

Cody (11:17):
Yeah.
And that's, that was my point isthat it is just like that, the
pond analogy, like, if you'restagnant, you're gonna get more
putrid over time.
Oh my

Tali (11:25):
God, this water thing, like, took a really dark turn.
You can tell I'm a little

Cody (11:29):
putrid.
Tell, I'm a little judgy aboutthis.
I guess it's because the reasonI get so judgey about it is I
mean, you and I have had arecent experience with somebody
like this, but I haveencountered this over and over
and over again throughout mylife that I've received a lot of
abuse, if you wanna call itthat, or at least aggression,

(11:50):
aggression and just reallyunpleasant exchanges with people
who are like this.
And that's why I kind of, that'swhy I f I sound a little judgey
about it cuz it's like, youknow, I'm trying to like live my
best life, be a better person.
Work on my, my code of ethics.
Like I'm really trying to growand be a better person all the
time.
And for you who's like, doesn'tseem to be trying to really

(12:14):
improve yourself to shit on me,it pisses me off.
And so I, that's why I, I getreally judgey about it, I guess,
is because the people I've knownwho are like that are also
really they're just not nicepeople.
Like in general, they'remiserable.
They kind of like spew out thatcrap on everybody else.
And yeah, I just, I love beingaround people who are like

(12:35):
dynamic and thriving andgrowing, even if they're doing
it in ways that I don'tnecessarily relate to or agree
with.
Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe there's, it'ssome like hippy-dippy, like woo
woo, like hippie dippy, likewoohoo like way out there stuff
that I don't really buy into.
But at least they're like tryingand they're growing and they're
exploring and they're interestedin living their best life.
And those people don't, typictypically come at me with any

(12:57):
aggression of any kind, even ifwe don't agree with it.
Well, because there's.

Tali (13:00):
There's a mutual respect, I think.
Yeah.
But people who would identify inthat way, who would consider
themselves flowing rivers have apast self to look back on.
And, you know, just becauseyou're flowing water doesn't
necessarily mean you're like,flowing where you wanna go.
It doesn't necessarily mean thatthings are like exponential and

(13:21):
that it's always better andbetter and better.
And so a lot of the notes andthe reflection that I had on
this particular subject is thisidea of looking back of like who
I used to be, whether it wasphysically, socially, creatively
and feeling like there's somekind of grief around it.

(13:42):
And.
I wanna talk about it because Idon't really, I don't wanna look
back in that way.
Mm-hmm.
I feel like I'm coming out of itonly because I feel like life
has changed so much in the lastfive years that I feel new paths
taking shape finally.
It kind of felt like for a whilethere might not have been like a

(14:05):
lull.
Mm-hmm.
Of sorts.
And I don't really want to besomeone who lives with regret.
I don't really want to alwaysfeel like I'm looking back on my
golden years or like the highpoints of my life.
I really believe that if I letit happen and if I want it,
there are gonna be plenty ofthose ahead for me.

(14:27):
But it also takes giving up thegrief.
Of my past self, you know?
Mm-hmm.
You and I talk a lot about, evenon this podcast, like when you
and I met, we were kind of atour personal peaks of
development, and that's why wefell madly in love with each
other because there was suchresonance there and such high

(14:51):
functioning going on there.
And you know, something that'smade me really insecure at times
in our marriage is feeling likemy stagnation or like the petre
quality of my pond is evident toyou, or you can see it and like,

(15:11):
it's easy to get stuck there.
Like that stagnation.
You're absolutely right.
Like you can be, you know,rowing a boat around in that
pond and not be going anywhere.
And that's how a few years havefelt for me.
Professionally.
Physically.
And.
Yeah, I just I'm really hopingthat we can unpack this more and

(15:34):
maybe have a little bit moregrace for those past selves.
And ultimately the, the hopethat I have is to be able to
look back and be like, wow, Idid that.
That was really cool.
Mm-hmm.
And like, leave it there, ratherthan feel like, okay, I have to
match that, or I should do itagain.
Mm-hmm.
I have a note in here that says,you know, I look at my medals

(15:56):
and awards that are hanging inour gym and it gives me like
crazy imposter syndromesometimes.
Like I look at them and I'mlike, who did, like, who did
that?
Like, was I really physicallyable to do that?
Mm-hmm.
And it makes me sad because it'slike, I wouldn't be able to do
that now.
And I see all these peoplelifting like at the Arnolds and

(16:18):
stuff this week, which has beenso fun to watch.
It's one of those national meetsthat I have had not had a chance
to do, and it's kind of like,Disneyland for strength sports
and it just seems like it'd besuch a good time.
But there's part of me that'slike, oh, I feel like I'm kind
of missing out on it, but that'sjust not my life anymore.
Mm-hmm.
And I wanna be okay with that.

(16:40):
Mm-hmm.
Thoughts?
I ranted a whole lot.

Cody (16:43):
No, it's good.
It's good stuff.
I think that this is what I wastalking about with like, it's a
little tough to know whetherthat's a positive or negative
thing and it just depends on howyou're trying to interpret it or
internalize it.
Yeah.
Because sometimes I look back atthat sort of peak fitness that I
was at when we met and as Iactually forget about it

(17:06):
sometimes, but I'll see a videoof myself and I'd be like, damn.
I was like fucking yolked therefor a minute.
Like mm-hmm.
And at the time it's funny cuzat the time I didn't think so,
like at the time I'm still like,oh, I have so much work to do.
Yeah.
And then I look back,

Tali (17:18):
I'm like, oh God, you ungrateful asshole.
I was in such a good

Cody (17:21):
place.
I should have like, man, if Ihad just like maintained.
Or the practices that got methere, think of where I'd be
now.
You know, that's where my mindgoes.
It's like, man, I could havedone even better, you know?
But

Tali (17:33):
but so you're already like grieving your future self?

Cody (17:37):
Maybe in a way or just like present self, like, I wish
I was there again.
But but there's the positive wayto look at that, or like a
motivating factor to look atthat is that that was only five
or six years ago.
It's not like we're looking backas 80 year old people, like
wishing we were in our twentiesagain.
Like, that's not, not a wholelot you can do about that kind.

(17:58):
Well, I'm hoping that

Tali (17:59):
whatever you and I talk about today is applicable even
there.
Yeah.

Cody (18:02):
But I, my point is, is that you can use that as a
positive motivating factor.
Like I got there once, I know Ican get there again, but should

Tali (18:10):
be, it's empowering.
You know, like if

Cody (18:13):
you want to, I suppose.
So you don't want to compete?
I'm talking, we're talking abouttwo

Tali (18:16):
different things, but part of me kind of does, and part of
me doesn't know if that'sbecause I actually want to, or
because I look at that time inmy life as being like, wow, that
was a thrill.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
That was so great.
And part of me is like, leaveit.
In the past it was fuckingawesome.
Mm-hmm.
I like went out on top and youknow, Jerry Seinfeld did the

(18:40):
same thing.
Yeah.
So I like to think of myself asthe Jerry Seinfeld of Oregon
weightlifting, but it's funny

Cody (18:46):
cause he said he was retiring, but then he went on
tour, did a, a standup comedytour.
Sure.
She's done a few things sincethen.
Nothing to the scale, of course.
Well,

Tali (18:55):
I'm still lifting.
I'm still coaching.
Yeah.
It's still like a part of me,but I want it to be a part of me
in a different way.
However, I just find myselfstanding in my own way a lot,
being like, I should be able toget back there.
But, I don't really want to, ifI really think about it.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I really rev revel innovelty.

(19:18):
I'm really excited aboutdrawing.
Mm-hmm.
Which is weird.
Never thought that I would landon something artistic that felt
mm-hmm.
Exciting.
Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah.
I kind of just, I think thestructured atmosphere went a
really long way with me.
Mm-hmm.
And feeling pushed in the waythat I like to feel pushed.
Mm-hmm.
Rather than having to rely onmyself and my own

(19:40):
self-discipline that's gonna getme nowhere.

Cody (19:44):
Yeah.
Well, when it's, when you'rerudderless, right.
If you have no structure, it'slike a boat just drifting out
and no rudder.
So I, I guess though that I, Iwant to emphasize that we're
not, we're not necessarilytalking about the same things
cuz you had a competitive.
Streak at the time.
And I wasn't competitive at all.
I was just, it's just a generalfitness aspect of who, of, of

(20:07):
where I was.
Okay.
That I think I can get back toand even surpass.
And so I use it as motivation oflike, I know I can get back
there because it was not thatlong ago, first of all.
And the way I got there was kindof simple.
Like I wasn't where you were,you were, you were training like
15 hours a week in the gym,maybe more, probably more plus

(20:34):
other, you know, care that youwere receiving at the time.
Like it was like a part-timejob.
It was like 20 hours a week.
Mm-hmm.
Just consuming you in a physicalway with weightlifting.
Plus the mental aspect of it,like it was a full-time gig for
you.
I wasn't doing that.
I was like working on five, sixtimes a week and just kind of
dabbling here and there anddoing some CrossFit and some

(20:56):
Indian clubs and some train, andit was a lifestyle thing that I
think I can get back to and usethat period as a motivating
factor.
Not that I'm mourning that it'sgone, but I know I can get back
to it.
It's like, it's like I proved itto myself like I could get
there, then I can do it again.

Tali (21:13):
Well, let me put it into different terms.
Like to me, it's not even aboutthe weightlifting.
It's more feeling like I had adirection in life.
Mm-hmm.
And something that I waspassionate about and that I put
so much effort towards.
And those parts of it are what Ifeel like I grieve because I've
felt kind of directionless attimes in the last few years.

(21:36):
I've, I'm starting to feeldifferently, especially with our
business in going in thedirection that it is and.
Feeling really optimistic aboutit and kind of honing what our
life might look like.
You know, for a long time Ireally couldn't see where it was
going, and I feel a lot moreclear about that, and that is
like enough to get tractionwith, you know?

(21:58):
Mm-hmm.
And I guess I just, I hold a lotof value in being a part of
something that is all consumingor, you know, is my social life,
my my physical life, my youknow, just having everything
tied in.
But we've talked a lot about howimportant it is to have varying
experiences and obviously that'ssomething that you and I are

(22:19):
practicing a lot in our lives.
And so I think that there's justlike a shift between, or there's
like just a disconnect betweenlike the way that I wanna live
my life and the way that I feellike I should be.
You know, or ways that have likegiven me solace in the past
mm-hmm.
That I try to like replicate nowand realize it doesn't like fit

(22:40):
anymore.

Cody (22:44):
Do you think some of it's just the structure aspect
though?
I mean, there's no weightliftingteam here mm-hmm.
But you during the drawingclass, you know, you're in a
community of people.
Yeah.
Freaking loved it.
There was structure, there wasother people, you know,
everyone's looking at eachother's work and encouraging
each other.

(23:04):
And there's some similar,there's some parallels there
Sure.
That you had in the team.

Tali (23:09):
Sure.
I mean, I would definitely saythat those experiences feel
really synonymous.
Like there was that camaraderie,like that last class that we
went to of all the sessions thatI've been to, whether it was
drawing or being the model.
I had never seen everybody kindof touring around to each
other's easels and to see eachother's work and like, give each

(23:31):
other feedback.
That was not the case for allthe other classes I

Cody (23:35):
attended.
I took some time to warm up toeach other Sure.
To strangers or like drawing ina room

Tali (23:39):
together and like, well, and the structure of the class
changed a lot.
Like in the beginning it waslike very regimented and the
breaks were timed and things gota lot more lax towards the end
in a good way, I think.
And so that was really great tohave that kind of interaction
with everybody else in the room.
And like you said, just gettingto know each other and also just

(24:02):
being like deeply challenged.
Mm-hmm.
Drawing is not something that I.
Have practiced.
And so I feel very out of myelement and very much a novice,
like I have a lot to learn.
Mm-hmm.
But it's exciting and likefeeling excited to fuck up is
like kind of a really greatfeeling to have and I don't

(24:24):
experience that with everything.
So to have kind of landed onsomething that feels similar is
super exciting.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Cody (24:31):
It's kind of funny cuz it's almost an inverse situation
for us because drawing for me isa little bit more like
weightlifting for you.
There was a time in my life whenI, when I was often being
recognized and given a lot ofkudos and encouragement because
of my art.
Yes.
I was in like art shows.

(24:52):
I sold art.
Right.
Like I've, I was at a level, youcommissioned things apply things
from me.
Yeah, yeah.
And then but that was decadesago.
Like that was a differentperson.
And so what's.
Frustrating for me is I sort ofhave an echo of that ability,
like in my head, where I cansee, I can see the art, like how

(25:14):
it should be then, but my handdoesn't work.
Like it doesn't, Ugh.
It's like, wow, what am I doing?
It's like I can see as soon as Iput a line on the paper, well,
that was wrong.
Yeah.
I

Tali (25:23):
was just

Cody (25:23):
telling you about that the other day and, and it's a really
frustrating place to be becauseof that comparison to my past
self.
I feel like if I was juststarting fresh, I'd be like,
well, of course this is part ofthe learning process.
Okay, so

Tali (25:34):
this is what I'm trying to figure out.
So here we have these twoparalleling experiences.
You're further away from likeyour quote unquote peak.
I'm a little bit closer to mine.
How can we look back on thoseexperiences with like, how
wonderful was that?
Mm-hmm.
Like, how great was that?
Rather than like, fuck, I shouldhave kept it up, or whatever.

(25:58):
Mm-hmm.
You know?
That's what I really wannacultivate here.
Like I don't want to grieve mypast.
Obviously we see how otherpeople, you know, we have some
people in our lives as close asour family members who really
live in the past, and it reallyrobs them of opportunities in

(26:19):
their future and their PA andtheir Yes.
And the thing about the past isI don't really believe it's set
in stone in the way that it'skind of conventionally thought
of.
Like, yes, things took place,things happened the way that
they did.
And I'm not, I'm not advocatingfor like revisionist history or

(26:40):
like being in denial aboutthings that have taken place in
our lives.
Mm-hmm.
But when we start to createdistance, As time goes on, I
really think that there's a lotof power in being able to change
the way that we feel aboutthings.
Looking back

Cody (26:54):
perspective, right?
Like you're, the further in thepast it is, the easier it is to
zoom out and see it from adifferent
perspective,

Tali (27:01):
but it might not be, you have to really know that that's
an option.
Because I think there are a lotof people who might be
considered those stagnant ponds.
They are reinforcing how theyfelt about something in the past
now.
Mm-hmm.
Like the, they've held on to thegrudge, they've held on to the

(27:21):
anger or the resentment, ratherthan like choosing to let it go.
Mm-hmm.
You know, like you don't have tocarry that shit with you.
But I think there's this mistakeand belief that because
something happened, I have tofeel the same.
I have to like, almost likepreserve that.
Mm.
For the rest of my life of like,that's how it happened.

(27:43):
That's why I'm this way, youknow?
Mm-hmm.
And I just, I wanna be fluid, Iwanna be pliable.
And there's gotta be somethingthat makes us default to wanting
to hold onto those things orwanting to like relive the glory
days or replicate what we'vedone.

(28:04):
But I see like what a trap thatcan be.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm always trying to findout ways that we're creating our
own misery.
You know?
There's so many things in lifethat aren't gonna challenge us.
Why pile on even more when it'spreventable?
Yeah.
And so this seems like one ofthose arenas where, especially

(28:24):
being in the fitness industry,and you and I are kind of like
circling back, you know,inventing new methods, of course
with our business, but circlingback to things that we've been
doing for years, decades and.
Kind of feeling like we're inthe shadow of our old selves.
Like I'm kind of sick of that.
Mm-hmm.

Cody (28:45):
Well, I think we've talked about reframing before and how
you can reframe things in yourmind to have a different effect
on you, even though it's thesame action.
In a previous podcast I hadmentioned like the analogy of.
Like being tackled and broughtto the ground and how it's like

(29:05):
one, you know, you can kind ofreframe in your head like, well,
what is that scenario?
Like?
Some people would automaticallybeing like, oh, you're being
attacked.
And then other people mightthink, well, you must be in a
football game.
And so it's just a game thatyou're playing.
Or like, I use the analogy oflike, well, maybe somebody was
like stopping you from textingwhile you're crossing the street
and there's a bus coming.

(29:25):
You know, like there's a lot ofdifferent ways to like look at
the same event.
Different, different cameraangles.
Sure.
You can show camera, one camerato you different things.
Yeah.
And it also reminds me of andI'm gonna go ahead and retell it
even if I've told, I can'tremember if I said this on a
podcast.
This is in my book which isallegory, I guess it's called
that I heard Alan Watts sayonce, but I've heard other

(29:46):
people say is the same story.
So I don't know where this comesfrom, but it's like this farmer
who.
It's just like kind of a poorfarmer.
He doesn't have much, he's justgot like one horse to plow his
fields and one night the horsegets away and, and all his
neighbors are like, oh, it'ssuch a shame that your horse
left and it's like your onlymethod for farming.

(30:07):
And he is like, well, we'll see.
And then the next day that horsecomes back and it leads a bunch
of wild horses back with it.
And so now he's got like 20horses and everybody's like, how
fortunate.
And the farmer's like, well,we'll see.
And then the son his only son islike trying to break one of the
wild horses, falls off andbreaks his leg and can't help
with the farm anymore.
And so everyone's like, oh,that's so bad.

(30:29):
And he says, we'll see.
And then the army comes toconscript the sun for war and
he, they can't take him cuz he'sinjured.
Oh, how fortunate.
And everyone's like, oh, howfortunate.
And he is like, well, we'll see.
And so the, the moral of thestory is like, It don't be too
quick to judge things that havehappened in the past, even if
it's recent past.

(30:50):
Cuz you don't know what part ofthe story that is.

Tali (30:52):
Yes.
And attributing value tosomething and then sticking with
that value, sticking with thatforever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's major.
And it

Cody (31:01):
has a lot to do with like, when you and I met, like it was
in one way it was a very highpoint for me in my life, but in
another way it was a reallytragic, like, sad point in my
life too.
I mean, I had recent divorce andpart of that is like moving out
before all my kids moved out ofthe house.
Like they were pretty much adultchildren.
They weren't like smallchildren, but still, like my

(31:23):
youngest daughter was 16 stillat home.
And there was a part of me, itwas like really tragic for me to
like have things sort of endthat way, if you will.
And I also had a business for 17years that I was abandoning
like, You know, I had alreadysold the business, but I was

(31:43):
working for the owners, the newowners, right.
As sort of their manager.
And I was a pretty sweet gigactually, cuz it was kind of an
easy job.
I was getting a salary for thefirst time in forever doing the
same work.
That's so wild.
Yeah.
Because I was doing the samework as the owner, except all
the pressure was taken off ofme.
So Yeah, I'm sure it felt reallydifferent.
I didn't have, yeah.
And so I had a really, I had areally good thing that I

(32:05):
intentionally gave up because Iwas just feeling so burnt out.
And so it's sort of like a, itwasn't all good.
Like, you know, you can lookback and say, oh, I was really
fit and I was also feelingreally free and really relieved
that I had made these decisionsin my life to move on and like
better my situation and, and tryto embark on a, a path of

(32:26):
growth.
And there's all these positiveways to look at it.
You can also look at it as like,well those, that was also really
fucking hard time.
Yeah.
So we can re romanticize thingsout of balance too.
And, but in

Tali (32:40):
the same way that we can romanticize things like we can
also Yeah.
Like totally demonize people.
Mm-hmm.
Or experiences.
Oh yeah.
And unfortunately, we allowthose sometimes to become a part
of our identity.
And I think that that's what I'mreally trying to prevent here is
like, I don't really want to bea bitter person.
I've seen bitter on older peopleand it ain't cute.

(33:04):
So

Cody (33:04):
I'm just, do you think you feel that way though about
weightlifting or yourweightlifting career, or?

Tali (33:09):
No, but I did for a long time.
Part of me still feels sad, butit's not any because of what,
anything, anything anybody elsedid.
Mm-hmm.
You know, a lot of times I thinkback to like, ooh, like I kind
of quit prematurely if I hadmaybe better communication
skills.

(33:29):
Maybe something could have beendifferent.
Maybe I have, you know, thinkingabout bad habits, I have a
tendency to walk away fromthings as soon as I feel a rift
or not serving me, rather thanlike investigating or really
giving anybody a chance torespond.
If you think about it,

Cody (33:49):
I am thinking about it and I do know from other situations
that you've shared with me thatI know that's a history that you
believe about yourself.
Yeah.
But I also was there in this Yesinstance, and it seems to me
like one of the problems withcommunication breakdown was that
you, the people you were tryingto communicate refused to hear

(34:14):
you.
Like you can only do so much.
You know, like, sure.

Tali (34:18):
But think about this.
I actually ended up meeting upwith my coach.
After I'd sent an email that Iwanted to quit.
Mm-hmm.
And we talked about a lot ofthings.
However, that conversation washeavily influenced by the fact
that I was like, fuck you, I'mquitting.
Mm-hmm.
You know, like I, the way yourelate could have set it up

(34:39):
before,

Cody (34:40):
perhaps.
But the way you relate it to meas well was that it was like a
really cold situation on oneside and you were like laying it
all out there and it seemed tobe met with like aloofness or
like an uncaring, like whateverkind of attitude.
So

Tali (34:54):
maybe Well, and I kind of felt like I had to do something
drastic to get their attention.
Mm-hmm.
But I'm really the only one thatwalked away with a loss, I
think.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, I'll never really knowunless I'm told one day, but I
just think about like my.
My pursuits to be a competitiveweightlifter on a higher level.

(35:19):
I feel like totally crumbledfrom that.
I feel like my relationshipsreally crumbled from that.
My sense of community, you know,there was a lot that I don't
think I was really prepared togive up, but it's, it's hard to
say because yeah, I can lookback and be like, well that was
a really dysfunctionalrelationship and well that

(35:39):
wasn't really serving meanymore.
But I don't really wanna thinkabout it that way either.
It's easier for me to put theblame on myself, of course.
Mm-hmm.
Or seeing it as an opportunityin the future.
Mm-hmm.
And you know, since then, I feellike my communication skills
have gotten much better, but Ialso feel them atrophying as of
late.
And that's why I was sayinglike, I can look at myself in

(36:03):
the past, like physically,socially, and creatively.
know, just like you were sayingin that allegory, like it's kind
of rollercoaster, right?
Mm-hmm.
Like all of these things requireattention, commitment,
consistency, and it's likejuggling.
Like you have to keep everythingin the air and as soon as you

(36:25):
know, you know, things can fallout of rhythm.
And I feel like sometimes evenin my communication now, like
that's another thing that feelslike it's really suffering.
You think?
Yeah.
Not necessarily with you, but Ifeel like with other people in
my life, like I feel like I'mvery quick to say, oh, I'm fine.
Hmm.
Or to be accommodating orappeasing in, just kind of keep

(36:48):
pleasantries rather than beingable to like clearly communicate
in a way that I don't feel likeemotionally wrapped up in it.
You know, when you and I werejust talking the other day about
a challenging conversation thatwe had with a family member, and
I kind of look back being like,damn it, I kind of wish I was
able to keep my cool a littlebit better.

Cody (37:09):
You know, you I'm the one who lost it.

Tali (37:12):
Yeah.
But like, I jumped in on it too.
I guess what I'm saying is like,I don't wanna ha wanna like
think about our past selves as asource of inspiration, like you
were saying, as a, as opposed tolike, well that sucks that I'm
not there anymore, kind ofthing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cody (37:29):
Yeah.
I think you can be empowered byit if you, you know, it's just
like looking at an example youwanna follow.
That can be you too.
Like you can follow yourself.
It's like, I did that once.
I can do it again.
And maybe not in the competitionrealm because Windows.
There's windows of opportunity.
Yeah.
And sometimes you can't go back.
Right.

(37:50):
Same with like a marriage forinstance.
Like you, you're not gonna goback usually and like fix shit
20.

Tali (37:55):
Well it's like applying 20 years later, applying those to
the next opportunity.
Right.
Whatever it is.
And that's why I feel likethere's this really cool
parallel it in that drawingclass.
Yeah,

Cody (38:06):
that's what I was gonna say is like you could find a
whole new community, a whole newtechnical pursuit.
Yeah.
And

Tali (38:14):
develop a new skill, like whatever

Cody (38:16):
it is.
And, and the art world may notbe as directly competitive, but
you could maybe get some of thesame sort of satisfaction of.
Getting to a point where youfeel comfortable displaying your
art in a show or like a localshow.
Oh,

Tali (38:31):
yeah.
Well, well it's definitely thesame in terms of like, you
should really only try to outdoyour own work.
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
And I almost would assume an artbecause it's so, so
individualized that mm-hmm.
You wouldn't really be able torec, like recreate something
that someone else has done.

(38:51):
I don't necessarily see like whyyou would want to No.
But in

Cody (38:55):
art shows they do award, like I've been awarded ribbons
like first price, second, third,like best of show situations
where there's a panel of judgesand Sure.
So I mean, there's a, an elementtoo that, that could be
interesting to pursue in thesame way that you did
weightlifting.
Yeah.

Tali (39:12):
So you can take this.
I wonder what the physicalramifications of trying are.
Arthritis.
I don't know what arthritis, oh

Cody (39:20):
no, I don't, I don't know.
I don't think that art is asdamaging as.
Say writing, you know, liketyping is just so repetitive,
whereas drawing there's a lot ofdiversity in your positioning
and where what you're drawingand how you're drawing, the
methods you're

Tali (39:35):
using and stuff.
I wonder though, just likephysically, like if my hands
like strengthen for, or like getmore, have more stamina to draw,
like does that really show inyour work?
Like, can you look at somebody'swork and you're like, wow,
they've got great stamina inthere?
I don't think so.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
And I'm always trying to liketake it back to terms that I

(39:57):
understand, but that's alsobecause drawing and art feels
really foreign to me.
You know, always been anadmirer, but a participant not
so much.
Yeah.
Yeah.

Cody (40:11):
So I don't know, I don't know how to resolve this
question that is today's episodebecause I think, like I said,
there's an opportunity toreframe things.
So you can't go back and changeevents, but you can change your
perspective on them.
Yes.
And that takes some effort.
I mean, that takes intention.
Yes.
It takes intention and effort.

(40:31):
You can't just like, you know,default mode for humans is to be
a sloth and just die.
I mean, we are, we kind of likewhat?
Conserve, it's true.
Like given the choice, everybodywould just rather sit on their
ass and do nothing.
Like even people who say theydon't like, you have to like
force yourself to get out thereand do stuff to grow and, and

(40:52):
become more than you are.
And reframing is the same thing.
It takes some effort andattention, but but I don't know
that I have some sort oftakeaway that I can like give.
Everybody on how to handle this,you know?
Well, I think there are certainpractices that you can do.
I mean, there's, I know you'regonna cringe when I say this,

(41:13):
but what, like meditation andthings like this can really help
to bring you into a state ofpresence.
If you're somebody who's like,obsessing over the past, I don't

Tali (41:23):
think you have to subscribe or prescribe something
so extreme as meditation.
It's

Cody (41:29):
not extreme for everybody.
And that's why I said you'regonna cringe.
So just, it's okay.
You don't have to.
But I'm just saying that sometool like that another thing is
just like it's like Wayne'sworld.
It's like, get over it, move on.
You know, like that it's whenwas that?
Because his psycho ex-girlfriendkeeps like thinking it's still a
thing.
But you can just.

(41:52):
Shift your focus, which is kindalike what you're talking about
with the drawing.
Like you found something new,maybe you can pour some energy
in and take lessons from yourpast experiences and put it into
this new pursuit.
Yes, that's right.
And I think that can go a longways towards sort of like
letting go of, of the past.

Tali (42:08):
Well, let's say if I ever have a rift with my art teacher,
I feel like I have a better wayof handling it than I handled it
with my coach.
But I remember talking to my momabout this a few weeks back
where I was reminiscing on thetime that you and I went to a
friend's wedding and my, likelong-term ex-boyfriend was there

(42:30):
and I was able to like greetedhim with a huge hug.
We hadn't talked for yearsbefore that.
And I think I, I know he wasreally surprised when I put my
arms around him and excitementbecause I think.
He would've expected me to likestill give him the cold
shoulder, you know, still feelreally bruised by it, but

(42:52):
mm-hmm.
I have so much to thank him forand what a wonderful
relationship we had, and Iattribute my ability to have a
great relationship with you alot to that first relationship.
And so I think that that's adepiction of the application

(43:12):
that I'd like to have.
Which I guess the action stepthat I would suggest for folks
today is, you know, if you arelooking back at your past self
or your past life with grief,instead, just try on saying
like, that was a wonderful timein life.
Mm-hmm.
How great was it that I got toexperience that?
Mm-hmm.
And that's it.

(43:33):
Like, not that like, oh, Ishould have kept doing it, or,
oh, I could have done itdifferently.
Like, I think cultivatinggratitude around it.
Is transformative as hell.
And that's why I was sayinglike, oh, you don't have to do
anything like quite as extremeas meditation.
Cuz I think just trying on thatperspective mm-hmm.
Or just being like breezy aboutit goes a really long way.

(43:56):
Mm-hmm.
Like, you can really change yourthinking just by saying those
things.
We talked about the power oflike posing and smiling like in
moments that are reallychallenging.
And I feel like this is the samething, like we're just trying on
a different way of looking at itand it might, you know,
depending on how far out you arefrom those experiences might
feel really far-fetched orabsurd even.

(44:18):
Mm-hmm.
Like a really tall order, reallyhard to do.
Mm-hmm.
But that's I think how I justwanna look back at things like,
yeah, this, I just wanna begrateful for having that
experience and how cool was itthat I got to do

Cody (44:31):
it.
Yeah.
And we were talking about thisthe other day too, about there
are sometimes psychologicaltools that we can use and.
Whether you buy into it's likethe, the, the placebo effect.
Some people say mm-hmm.
Well, it's just the placeboeffect.
Just, and it's like just you,you realize your, your brain
just cured you.
Right.
Like your, that's like, that's,it's not a small

Tali (44:52):
thing.
You sound like Louis CK when heis talking about people who
complain when they're in anairplane, he's like, you're like
10,000 feet flying, flyingthrough the air

Cody (45:04):
an hour.
Yeah.
And you're complaining cause thewifi doesn't work.
Right.

Tali (45:08):
I love that grape so much.
It's so funny.
Yeah.

Cody (45:12):
But it's we take things like the placebo effect lightly,
but, and the only reason I bringthat up is cuz what I'm about to
say is, I feel cheesy saying it,but the way I try to re for it
reframe these things is like,it's just a tool.
It's just a tool.
And if it works, if a fuck, if atool works, use the tool.
And you and I were talking aboutthe other day about like this
psychoanalyst.

(45:33):
Approach or, or therapistapproach of like hugging your
inner child or something likethat.
Mm-hmm.
Like if you're somebody who isneglected or abused, if you go
back and like, imagine yourselfas a child, like close your eyes
and like see yourself as a childand then like embrace that child
and like hug that child that youcan actually prompt an emotional

(45:53):
response in yourself as if youare receiving love.
Yeah.
And it's an odd thing that wehave this brain that can think
in like three differentperspectives at once.
It's, it's fucking weird, butWell,

Tali (46:04):
and we can simulate things as if they're really happening
uhhuh just by thinking about it.
Yeah.

Cody (46:11):
And to a degree it's wild to a degree of getting an
emotional response.
Yeah.
And so the reason I bring thatup, even though it just sounds
kind of cheesy, like hug yourinner child or whatever is.
Like if, if there's a, an eventin your past, you can also
express gratitude to thosepeople, even if those people are
no longer in your life.
I learned

Tali (46:30):
that from you, like you can, like this exact arena that
we're talking about.

Cody (46:33):
Yeah, and that's one reason I brought up meditation.
You don't have to think ofmeditation as like sitting there
counting your breath.
Like there's meta meditation isliterally sitting there and like
listing things that you'regrateful for and, and, and
expressing love to like a personand then maybe a group of people
and you kind of like expand outto that.

(46:54):
You're like loving the worldkind of thing.
It's like, sounds really supercheesy, but you sound like,

Tali (47:01):
sound like what?
Tammy Faye Baker from lastnight.
We just watched the movie.
The eyes of Tammy Faye, and Wow,you really sound like her.
Jesus loves you.
Well, she's like, I love allpeople.
Yeah, and she said it manytimes.
I

Cody (47:17):
guess my point is, is that you can use this as an exercise.
Like if there's a point in yourpast that's like a, that feels
like you're mourning a loss oran injured part of yourself
because of this past, you canstart to reframe that by
practicing reframing it.
Like go, like, imagine thosepeople in your life or the
events in your life, and thenjust express gratitude for it.

(47:38):
Like, I'm really glad I got theopportunity to do that.
I'm grateful that I was able tocompete in that arena and do as
well as

Tali (47:46):
I did.
I know to look back with likeany regret or whatever, Like
snobby as hell.
Like you were saying about yourpast physical fitness.
Like Yeah, I

Cody (47:55):
look at videos like, why weren't you more grateful for
that at the time?
Right?
Yeah.
Because damn, you look good,right?
Yeah.
But, but it's not too late, Iguess, is what I'm saying.
Mm-hmm.
Is like, you can kind of closeyour eyes and imagine yourself
in the past and just expressgratitude for that chapter and
of the book, you know, likeright in a book and you can flip
back and say, well, that was areally cool moment, but you can,

(48:19):
you can let go of some of thebitterness of loss, I guess by
trying to practice reframing itin those ways of gratitude.
Well, and I

Tali (48:27):
think it's also easy when you're thinking back on a, like
a height, a high point in yourlife to forget that it took a
long time to get there and thatit didn't always look that way.
Like I was, it wasn't sudden.
No.
Or like it wasn't handed to melike I.
Worked my ass off.
Mm-hmm.
And I was the new kid at onepoint.

(48:47):
I had moved from another stateand you know, was able to
cultivate that life for myself.
And so I have to give myselfcredit that like, I can do that
again.
Mm-hmm.
But it might look differently.
It will

Cody (49:00):
look differently no matter what.
Right.

Tali (49:01):
But the thing is, I don't think it's inherent that we
think of things that way.
I mean, some people might, Iguess I just don't, and it's
easy to just like wanna lookback, wanna look back.
But I know that there'ssomething inherently wrong with
that.
Like, it doesn't sit well withme, but I don't necessarily
always feel like I know how toutilize those feelings and like
channel them in a way that'sproductive or in a way that

(49:26):
feels exciting.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I do feel like, I knowyou've seen me in the last three
years, like try on a bunch ofdifferent things.
Kind of like hoping for thatspark and I don't know if
drawing will be that, but Ithink, you know, that
environment, the challenge, thenovelty, the feedback, like, I

(49:48):
really thrive in that way and Idon't, I don't know if I can go
as far to say that that's whateverybody needs, but

Cody (49:57):
see those are things you learned about yourself and self
knowledge is so valuable thatit's just another reason to be
grateful for that.
Yeah.
Chapter.
Yeah.
My friend Adam texted a littlebug on my butcher that what he
exactly said, but it wassomething along the lines of
the, the past doesn't exist.
Only lessons do.

(50:17):
And so only the things that youlearn and can use from the past
are all that really matter.
Because it's, if you, the pasois only a memory in our head.
Like it doesn't literally existanymore.
Well, it's not like

Tali (50:31):
you can grab it and Yeah.
It's not a take it with you partof reality.
Yeah.

Cody (50:34):
Right.
So we have a choice of, of whatwe can learn and grow from in
that way again, it takesattention.

Tali (50:43):
Well, and I think that that's also why it's so hard to
relate sometimes to folks whodon't have that internal locus
of control or are very muchruled by their past or, you
know, aren't here and now.
And like, Create like creativemm-hmm.

(51:03):
In the present moment.
Mm-hmm.

Cody (51:05):
Or if they are here now, it's just bitterness.
It's just like, I hate where

Tali (51:08):
I'm at and it's like hanging onto a narrative that,
like you said, it doesn't existanymore.
Mm-hmm.
Like, why are you lettingyourself get pulled down by
something that doesn't existanymore?
Mm-hmm.
And there's just like a, aninherent quality of like a lack
of creativity.
I feel like when I encounterfolks like that and it feels
really hard to relate to.

(51:29):
But you know, we do get tochoose who we spend our time
with.
We get to choose whose opinionsmatter to us.
And you know, I'm not sayinglike hopefully I can never
associate with anybody who feelsthat way.
That's not really how life worksall the time.
But I guess it's just my majortakeaway from this, or I guess
what I would like to impart onother folks is that we have a

(51:51):
lot more power over.
Our lives and how we look atthem and how we can feel about
them.
You know, we are not at themercy of any of that stuff.
Like it's really an illusion.
It is a choice, I think.
Yeah.
You know, if you're gonna letthe past rule your life, and I
feel like, you know, that'ssomething that I, I've wrestled

(52:14):
with when it comes to therapyand, you know, my family went
through a really hard divorceand a lot of us have been kind
of fractured in certain ways, orconditioned in certain ways as a
result.
And, you know, my family hassuggested, you know, all of us
doing some sort of like familytherapy together like 20 years
later.
Mm-hmm.
Now, and maybe even longer.

(52:36):
But I really appreciate thesentiment, but part of me
doesn't feel like it has to beall that hard in terms of like,
needing all of the structurearound it, because maybe I'm
just, maybe I'm.
Projecting or something, or justoversimplifying, but I just feel

(52:57):
like it doesn't have to be thathard mm-hmm.
To let

Cody (53:02):
go.
Yeah.
I, you and I are a lot alike inthat way cuz I've kind of always
instinctively felt that, youknow, I had a pretty rough
bringing as well I a lot ofdysfunction and divorce and
things like that.
And I was made to go tocounseling.
Mm-hmm.
And there was a time where I wasjust like this, I, I think a lot
of kids feel this way if they'relike, forced to do something,

(53:23):
it's like they're kicking thefloor.
Like, ooh, what the fuck am Idoing here?
Like, this is pointless.
But a part of it was just like,why?
Like, this is just making thingsharder.
Like, why am I dredging all thisshit up over and over again?
It's almost like re-traumatizingin a way.
I

Tali (53:39):
mean, there's gotta be a lot of value to it because it's
kind of the, the commonpractice, right, to like, it
doesn't mean unpack your pastand, you know, to unpack the
past is the only way forward.
And I don't.
I don't necessarily feel thatway because I just like that
allegory that you said.
I mean, I really think thatthat's great.
A great analogy that you broughtup.

(54:00):
I think that's such a powerfulstoryline, just to know that
just because life comes withtragedy doesn't mean that those
tragedies like don't lead toother great things or can't be
attributed to great things thathappen in our lives too, you
know?
Yeah, yeah.

(54:21):
But you have to let it, like,you have to have that attitude
that will see attitude becauseif you do attribute a value to
it, that's like good or bad, andyou're like setting that as the
way it's gonna be for the restof your life, and that's how
you're always gonna look at it,and that's how everybody else
should feel about it.
You know, you're just kind ofsetting yourself up for rigidity

(54:41):
and it's, it creates moresuffering for yourself the more.
Landmines you put aroundyourself, you know?

Cody (54:50):
Yeah.
Well, people talk about eventsin their lives too, as defining
moments.
Mm-hmm.
And I think you get to choose tosome degree what defines you.
So letting some bad experienceor some like height, good
experience or whatever, be thedefinition of your life or who
you are, that's a choice.

(55:10):
And a lot of times, you know, Isaw this grid the other day.
It was like a, just a I'm tryingto think of the word.
Just like a graphic, a visualrepresentation of an idea.
And so it had like a hundreddots and like 10 random ones out
of the a hundred were paintedred.
Okay.
And then it had a little arrowpointing to one of'em, and it

(55:31):
says A bad day.
It's not a bad life, you know,you look at the whole thing.
Mm.
And.
Just cuz you have these quoteunquote defining moments doesn't
really mean it needs to defineyour entire existence or your,
your life.
I realize that there's, youknow, we were just talking about
how weird the human brain is alittle while ago.
So there's all kinds of weirdchemical reactions and like

(55:54):
trauma can, trauma, just liketrauma to a leg can cause an
injury that is like, oh this is,this knee's gonna ache the rest
of my life cuz of this injury Ihad when I was 12, kind of
thing.
Mm-hmm.
So I'm not saying that eventscan't affect you to such a
degree that you, you're gonnahave to deal with it, you know,
but I think a lot of times,especially in our culture today,

(56:16):
it feels like we've become soover desensitized that we're
willing to allow.
Those types of traumas to definewho we are and how we approach
life from there, there on outbringing up, bringing it up as a
recurring thing when it reallyonly happened once.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I've been stuck inthis loop, you, you know, for
the last couple weeks of like,replaying this really shitty

(56:39):
conversation we had with, with afamily member.
And I was just like, I waspissed about it, you know?
And, and it's weird.
He's been pissed about it.
And it's weird because I, it,it's not like I'm, it's not like
I'm choosing to go there.
It's more like a, it comes upwhen I'm making a, making a
lunch or something.
It's like, what?
Ugh.

(56:59):
Like ugh, that's just pissed meoff, you know?
And so I'm just having toconsciously steer myself away
from it cuz it was literally a.
Five minutes.
Like why two weeks, five minutesoutta your whole life?
Yeah.
Five minutes outta my wholelife.
Yeah.
And I'm here two weeks laterstill suffering from, like, why?
I, I just, I don't want that.
So I think it's for a while Iwas sort of like trying to fight

(57:25):
fire with fire.
Like I would get mad at aboutthe conversation.
Then I get mad at myself forthinking about, it's like, why
don't you fucking just like,stop it?
Just stop.
And and uh, that's a healthyloop.
But I, I think, you know, I waslistening to or actually read a
little quote from Rom Doss theother day about like the way
he's practiced his sort ofspiritual journey and the way

(57:47):
that he chose to approach it waslike, not to fight it, not to
like be more, be better, bethis, be that, but just to be
like present and be like, oh,that's okay.
And.
Constantly sort of reel yourselfinto like, not being upset by
other people's actions or eventsor something, but just be like,

(58:09):
well, that's the way that is.
And well, and there's a seewhere I'm at now and just kind
of like constantly bringingyourself back to present moment.
Right.
And

Tali (58:17):
I think that there are a lot of different questions that
you can ask yourself.
You know, I, I mentioned howit's easier the more distance
you have from these experiencesto be able to reflect maybe a
little bit more less emotion.
Like emotion.
Yeah.
You might have a lot moreoptions at that point.
But I think there are questionsthat you can ask yourself now
that might help diffuse some ofthe, the, the angry feelings

(58:41):
that you're having, which islike, was that deserved?
Was that like, is that aninteraction that I should take
personally?
Is this.
Something that I have to dealwith on a regular basis.
How much of my life is thisreally taking up kind of some of
the things that you justmentioned?
Mm-hmm.

(59:02):
And I think about that even nowwith like the challenges that
I've had with like leaving theworld of weightlifting and in a
way I almost feel like I'mselling myself short to think
like, well, that's all I didwith my life.
Like, there's so much more to bedone, you know?

Cody (59:19):
Yeah.
That was just a little chapter.

Tali (59:20):
It was, yeah.
Yeah.
And it was a great chapter.
I, ugh, I have this way ofending things really terribly,
like just messy relationships,jobs, any like ending has seemed
so uncharacteristic of my actualtime there.

(59:45):
I just like trip over the finishline.
Mm-hmm.
That is another, like, I wouldsay, like a bad quality of mine,
and I'm not sure exactly whythat happens to end things
gracefully.
Mm-hmm.
Now that I'm 31, I've come tofind that people come in and out
of our lives.
You know, there are things inlife that are not meant to be

(01:00:08):
permanent forever, and it's okaythat things come to an end.
Mm-hmm.
But like, why does that endingalways have to be so so
tumultuous, so agonizing.
Mm-hmm.
I haven't quite figured out thatout.
That's something that I reallywant to get a hold of.
Mm-hmm.
Because I always like to thinkit starts with good intentions

(01:00:32):
and like really wanting to beoverly careful.
Yeah.
With my approach and it fuckingbackfires every

Cody (01:00:37):
time.
So you.
Started to touch on somethingI've been thinking of, and I
thought maybe our experience wasdifferent in this way.
But maybe not.
Maybe you can relate to what I'mabout to say, because I have a
few instances in my life wherepeople, you know, I can
immediately just pull up a list.
It's like three or four peoplethat I just really feel bad

(01:00:58):
badly for the way things ended.
Mm-hmm.
Still to this day, like I stillcarry some guilt.
I still know, I, I'm still, I, Ifeel in my head that these
people still resent me ordislike me or whatever, and it
kind of sucks because at onetime we were friends.
And that, that just kind ofhurts to think about.
But yeah, the common theme thatI can see in.
Experiences with things sort oflike good, good, good and bad.

(01:01:20):
Mm-hmm.
And then that end, that badending sort of defines the whole
thing.

Tali (01:01:24):
Well, it's kind of this, I just wanna like jump in really
quickly.
You were talking about thoselike red dots and those things
standing out, kind of definingour lives.
Like one bad day.
And it's kind of like when youget reviews for anything like
the bad reviews or the badcomments or whatever, those tend
to overshadow like all the greatfeedback that you get.

(01:01:45):
Yeah.
It's easily get fixated

Cody (01:01:46):
on it.
There's an evolutionaryresponse.
That's the reasoning for this.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know that it helps us.
I, I guess maybe it helps usjust because the more aware we
are of what's going on, the morewe can maybe control it, but
Sure.
In, you know, ancient humanitynoticing like berries.
Fish or some, some foodopportunity is something that

(01:02:07):
you might encounter dailybecause you gotta eat every day.
Okay.
And so it's valuableinformation, but it's not as
critical as knowing where thelion's den is.
And so the bad things, the shitthat's like a bad, you saw your
cousin get eaten by a fuckinglion.
Like those bad things are likethose are gonna stick with you

(01:02:28):
more because it's very, it isway more critical for you to be
aware of those bad thingsmm-hmm.
In order to survive.
Mm-hmm.
So this, there's an, there's ainstinct in us to really amplify
the bad shit, because that willsave our lives.
Sure.
In the jungle.
Well, we're not in thatsituation anymore.
So now an argument with somebodyis like this traumatic thing.

(01:02:50):
It doesn't have to be, but wekind of amplify bad things
because we want to avoid It's athreat to our safety.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So what I was starting go to goto there with, My situation of
like a, a bad ending to anotherwise good relationship for
me, it's always I can, I canreally find this common thread

(01:03:15):
in everything, and maybe it'scorrelation, but I really think
it's the cause was my des myneed to be liked.
Mm-hmm.
Was overshadowing open, honestcommunication and so, yeah.

Tali (01:03:29):
Isn't that weird how that like really.
Fucks us up.

Cody (01:03:33):
Yeah.
And it obviously backfiresbecause like, these are people
who don't like me anymore, andit's like my whole,

Tali (01:03:39):
well, you don't actually

Cody (01:03:40):
know that.
Well, I got a pretty good ideaabout it, but but you really
don't.
Yeah.
Well, in some cases, but I'mtelling you, there are people
out there who don't like CodyLimbaugh.
That's just, that's the realityof the world.
But the irony there is that itwas my sort of like, need to be
liked and agreeable and to tryto come across as the good guy

(01:04:02):
in this situation that actuallycaused the fucking problem.
And

Tali (01:04:07):
I can, well, I think it's because it registers as really
distant sometimes.

Cody (01:04:11):
Yeah.
Or just unaware.
Totally.
Or uncaring or, yeah.
Or whatever, like aloof.
And that's not, that's could befurther from the truth.
Like I was in some instancesfeeling like I was being very
generous and trying to like,take care of this person.
They didn't see it that way, butthere was no real on good
communication about it.
And so everything kind of wentto shit.

(01:04:31):
And I ended up sort of being thebad guy and it was way
unintentional.
And in fact, I was kind ofovercompensating by trying to
bring a positive attitude intothe situation, which just came
across as being like un

Tali (01:04:44):
dickish.
Yeah, I can see how that wouldhappen.
Do you think though that in allof those instances or those like
three or four people that youcan think of, were, were those
relationships severed in amoment of actually trying to cut
things off?
Or was it just an attempt tohave open, honest communication
or to just like air a grievanceor something?

Cody (01:05:09):
No, I don't.
I think that in all those casesthings were like being severe.
Intentionally by one or both ofus.

Tali (01:05:18):
Okay.
Yeah.
See, that's the, I think that'sa really important thing to
point out because it had gotten

Cody (01:05:23):
to an underlying resentment uhhuh that I didn't
know was there necessarily untilit like exploded, like, fuck
off.
You know?
Like I was like,

Tali (01:05:30):
oh yeah, it's gone too far at that point.
Yeah.
Where ending it feels likereally the only way to alleviate
it.
Yeah.
That sucks.

Cody (01:05:38):
Well, and when one person decides it doesn't take two
people to decide to break off arelationship.

Tali (01:05:43):
It doesn't, doesn't one of 'em, you know, doesn't, but it
also, if it comes as a surpriseor if the conversation isn't
coming from an honest place andit's kind of this like flexing,
buttoned up, trying to becordial kind of crap.
I think that that's a sign of amissed opportunity far earlier
on.
Mm-hmm.
That needed dressing thatwasn't.

(01:06:04):
Mm-hmm.
Because there's so much of usthat wants.
To act out of self-preservationand to avoid discomfort.
And unfortunately that can putus in situations like those.
Mm-hmm.
I really try to avoid those asmuch as possible.
It's hard to do that witheverybody, especially if your
communication isn't like, on aregular basis, I guess.

(01:06:29):
But I definitely think that,that that's kind of symptomatic
of like resentment and thingslike that building up, which are
things that you and I are bothtrying to alleviate in our
lives.
And that might be with opencommunication or just like what
we're talking about here, likejust practicing reframing
things.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Cody (01:06:52):
Hmm.
Well I feel like this was atherapy session totally more
than a any sort of value bomb.
You know, where I think we're inmost of our podcasts, we're
trying to like explore a conceptand.
Find some ways to apply it.
And I think we've touched on afew good things here as far as
like expressing gratitude asbeing a way out of resentment.

(01:07:15):
I think that's a valuable, very

Tali (01:07:18):
valuable tool.
And just taking some pressureoff of yourself too.
Yeah.
Like if you're someone who'sgetting back into fitness or
whatever, like who cares whatyou did in high school?
Like, who cares what you did atNationals six years ago?
Yeah.
Like, I didn't even be gratefulfor having done

Cody (01:07:35):
that.
Yeah.
I didn't even look at my notestoday, but one of the things you
didn't, I had on there was justlike, start where you're at.
Like you're

Tali (01:07:41):
always, I wrote that down too.
We did a podcast on that.
Yeah.
And I was like, what did I say?
It sounds a lot like a startwhere you're at episode.
But this differs in theperspective, like this is the
sticky spot just before you getto that realization.
Yeah,

Cody (01:07:55):
yeah, yeah.
So no matter who you are, whatcircumstances are, and we're all
just starting where we're at,like right now is just the
beginning.
Yeah, because it, because it's aperpetual beginning like now,
now is what you have.
Mm-hmm.
So now is what you have to workwith.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So you're always sort of at thebeginning of an unknown story.
I love that.
So keep that perspective.
Yeah.

(01:08:15):
I think that's important.
And relating to that, I guesswhat you were just talking about
is like I had a note here that'slike, well, how long is a PR
good for, you know, like, oh,good one, when you hit a
personal record on a lift youknow that, that day, that was
your best you've ever done.
And that's pretty much all, youknow, like there is no other
information, there's no otherdata.
We can tell ourselves sometimesfor six months that, yeah, I

(01:08:38):
squat 360, well, you did once,six months ago.
That doesn't mean that's who youare or where you're at.
Well that's why there

Tali (01:08:49):
are lifetime prs, right?

Cody (01:08:51):
Yeah.
And so you don't necessarily getto base your current work off of
that.
Thing that you did six monthsago or six years ago or whatever
it was?
I'm not exactly sure what theexpiration date is on a pr to be
honest with you.
I've been coaching for 20 yearsand I still don't, it's like, I
don't know, like if you'represcribing 80% to an athlete,

(01:09:15):
like, and you're basing that offof a pr, like when does that PR
expire?
Six months, a year, nine months,18 months is six.
I mean, if I'm arbitrary mean, I

Tali (01:09:24):
mean, if I'm working with a new client, like I won't
prescribe percentages at all.

Cody (01:09:28):
No, but I'm saying if you're working with the same
client for five years, oh, atwhat point does that PR expire?
Because it has to, it has toexpire at some point.
Like if you haven't hit thatrecord that you hit that one
time, if it's been months sinceyou've done it, can you, we
don't know.
Like at some point you have tostop using that as a metric.

Tali (01:09:47):
Well, we should think about that.
I mean, ugh, so that's actually,that's

Cody (01:09:52):
a hard question.
Yeah.
I mean, it's a gray area.
It depends a lot on a lot ofthings, I guess, and probably
depends a lot on like if you'represcribing 80%, like is that a
struggle or are they breezingthrough it?
Are they recovering well?
They know those are the metricswe use all the time anyway.
It's like, how are yourecovering?
What's your energy like?
You know, you're not gettinginjured, you're making progress,

Tali (01:10:11):
et cetera.
And like your consistent

Cody (01:10:12):
exposure Yeah.
To, and you're training, you'renot taking time off and your,
your nutrition's dialed in.
Like in a perfect world, you cankeep using those same
percentages as long

Tali (01:10:22):
as everyone's Well, that's why working with athletes is
fascinating because the data isso consistent.
Yeah.
It's super cushy, you knowworking with folks you know,
working against Gravity definesathlete as anyone who works out
or exercises on purpose.
Yeah.
So they call pretty much all oftheir clients athletes, which I
think is great.

(01:10:43):
But there's obviously adifferent caliber to like
competitive athletes.
But yeah, you get like all thedata, all of the.
All the information that youneed pretty readily where
working out with like quoteunquote regular people is so
much harder cuz there's so manygaps to fill.
Mm-hmm.

Cody (01:11:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well anyway, we might be gettingderailed from our topic, but
maybe, yeah.
Interesting concept and I reallywould love to hear anyone who's
listening to this I to hear yourideas about it.
Cuz I don't feel like, eventhough we talked about gratitude
and reframing and living in thenow and being present, like we

(01:11:23):
talked about some strategies forthis, but I still feel like it's
a little bit of a gray area forme as far as like how you relate
to the past and particularlyrelate to the pa your past self.
Whether it's positiveachievements or regrets or
whatever that is.
I would love to hear otherpeople's feedback on it.
We have on our podcast page atFit Together.

(01:11:46):
No, sorry.
It's how to fit together.com.
Mm-hmm.
On the podcast page, there's alittle orange button that says,
like, record now, or somethinglike that.
And if you just hit that littlebutton, you can record a
message.
We can play it back on a futureepisode and then discuss what
you brought up for us.
So yeah, that would be so fun.
I would really love to have someinput on this one, because I'm a
bit stumped.
I, I, I feel like I'm just asgray going into this as we

(01:12:09):
started the conversation.
Like I didn't, I don't feel likeI really landed on some
concrete, like, oh yeah, goingforward, this is how I'm gonna
approach this thing.

Tali (01:12:17):
I don't know if you could ever get concrete about it.
This Yeah.
Because like you said, these arethings that we take on as our
identity and it's so common andso easy to get caught up in the
pitfalls of comparison or regretor grief, you know, good or bad.

(01:12:38):
Mm-hmm.
However, we as attribute thosesituations.
My hope is that we can findbeauty and value in all of our
experiences.
Yeah.
Good or bad.

Cody (01:12:47):
Good or bad, led you to where you are now.
So if you're in a place whereyou can be great, grateful for
where you're at, then you,

Tali (01:12:54):
that means you have to inherently be grateful for all
those other things.
Exactly.
Don't

Cody (01:12:57):
you think?
Exactly.
Yeah.
You have to be grateful for eventhe shittiest things that have
ever happened to you, cuz theyled they, they are contributing
to who you are.
So if you love who you are, thenyou have to be grateful for even
the shittiest things that haveever happened to you.
It's, it's like a logicalfallacy to not mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So little stoicism there in thatapproach and I think it's a good

(01:13:18):
one.
So yeah, I had to live all yourlife.com or how to fit
together.com.
Either one of them and click onthe podcast page and on either
one of those websites and let usknow your thoughts.
Yeah.
Cause I'd love to hear from you.
Great talk, honey.
Thanks.
We'll love you.
We'll see you guys in a week.
I love you too, baby.

Tali (01:13:41):
This episode was produced by Tali Zari and Cody Limbal.
Check out our writing, coachingservices and home studying
adventures at live all yourlife.com.
For show notes, resourcesmentioned, or to submit a
question or contribution, clickon the podcast tab.