"Man Up"- Men & Emotions

Redefining "Man Up": Unlocking Emotional Vulnerability for Deeper Connection (Living Lucky® Podcast)

What if "manning up" actually meant embracing your full emotional spectrum? In honor of Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, Jason and Jana Banana dive into a raw, honest conversation about the hidden challenges men face with emotional expression and how societal expectations limit true connection.

We expose the limiting belief behind phrases like "man up" and how it forces men to reduce their emotional vocabulary to just "mad, bad, sad, and glad." Discover why fear is often disguised as anger or numbed through unhealthy coping mechanisms, and why acknowledging fear is actually the ultimate act of courage.

Prepare for a profound shift in perspective: vulnerability isn't weakness; it's the bridge to deepest intimacy. We share personal insights on how authentic emotional sharing, though initially uncomfortable, can exponentially strengthen relationships with yourself and others. Learn why "if you can't name it, you can't tame it," and how tools like the Emotion Wheel can unlock precise emotional literacy, transforming confusing feelings into clear understanding.

Here’s what you’ll discover:

• The "Man Up" Myth: How traditional expectations limit emotional expression.
• Beyond Mad, Bad, Sad, Glad: Expanding your emotional vocabulary for clarity.
• Fear's Disguises: Unpacking why fear often appears as anger or numbness.
• Vulnerability as Strength: Building deeper connections through authentic sharing.
• The Emotion Wheel: A powerful tool for precise emotional identification.
• Breaking Emotional Patterns: Understanding and disrupting cycles of suppression.
• Compassion & Connection: The transformative power of emotional literacy.

Key Nuggets: "Man up" is limiting. Expand emotions. Fear disguises. Vulnerability strengthens. Name to tame. Break patterns. Curiosity fosters connection.

Why do men struggle with emotional expression? How to become more emotionally vulnerable in relationships? How to build deeper intimacy with a partner? Benefits of emotional literacy for men. What are common mental health challenges for men? How can men express their feelings better? What is the Emotion Wheel for feelings? Does vulnerability make men more attractive? How to stop hiding emotions as a man? Why is emotional intimacy imp

TEXT US DIRECTLY

For mind-blowing inspirational content that we implement ourselves, join us by subscribing and connecting to our private community.

Thanks for joining us.
CONNECT with us in our PRIVATE COMMUNITY

*** The Living Lucky Community is experiencing what it feels like to create a life of inspiration where dreams come true. Check it out HERE *** or at https://www.startlivinglucky.com/sendusyourdreams

!!! SEND US A MESSAGE: Are you ready to unlock your path to a more inspired life where you're Living Lucky®? Email me directly and let's chart your course toward realizing your dreams and creating a life that fills you with daily inspiration.
Email Jason Shelfer HERE

The 4 pillars of Living Lucky
Believe in yourself
Believe in the people around you
Believe in your circumstances and
Believe that God is work

Episode Transcript

Jana Shelfer (00:00):
Are you ready to create a life you crave?
Let's spin that doom loop ofnegativity into an upward
success cycle and start LivingLucky®.
Good morning.
I'm Jana, I'm Jason and we areLiving Lucky®.
You are too.
June is Mental Health AwarenessMonth for men.

(00:23):
What we get our own MentalHealth.

Jason Shelfer (00:24):
Month Month for men, what we get.
Our own Mental Health Month,yes.

Jana Shelfer (00:27):
I love it.
You're special that makes mefeel good.
What are the challengesspecifically to men?

Jason Shelfer (00:36):
We don't have any challenges.
What are you talking about?

Jana Shelfer (00:38):
Oh, I can think of a ton.

Jason Shelfer (00:41):
I feel One of the challenges is we don't get to
talk about our challenges.

Jana Shelfer (00:46):
And why is that though?
Because, because that's alimiting.
That is a limiting you justsaid we don't get to talk about
our challenges.

Jason Shelfer (00:52):
That's it, that's , and that's the point I was
trying to make, in fact womeninvite it all the time.

Jana Shelfer (00:58):
We would love it if you would be more vulnerable
with us.

Jason Shelfer (01:02):
That's true, and that's one of the things If you
would be more vulnerable with us, that's true, and that's one of
the things and one of thethings we will recognize when
you talk about that.
It makes me think of, like,when couples go through a hard
time together.
A lot of times it's thatbreakup moment that we both
break down right.
We start crying together, westart talking about all the

(01:22):
things that scare us, all thethings that made me sad, made me
hurt, and then we get veryclose and have makeup sex.

Jana Shelfer (01:30):
Yes, because we feel intimate Now.
We've connected Because now Ifeel like there's been a
breakthrough.

Jason Shelfer (01:39):
Yes, now we've connected.

Jana Shelfer (01:41):
It's almost like you get to the shell of that
soul.

Jason Shelfer (01:45):
Now we understand each other Because before I've
been putting up this armor andthis, I can get through it all.
And I'm like, I'm all thisresistance and all this tension
because I'm fighting through,I'm manning up.

Jana Shelfer (02:00):
Okay, so let's stop right there.
You just said the phrase man up, and that is such a limiting
belief, because I do feel weinstill this definition of what
it means to be a man?

Jason Shelfer (02:18):
Yes, and in that phrase man up, that means don't
cry, get up express any emotionssuck it up get the job done
regardless of any cost do whatyou've got to do provide provide
protect all the things like allthis.

(02:40):
Be the man.
All this toxic masculinity.
Now, Now I understand.
There's this.

Jana Shelfer (02:47):
Now, why have we as a society?
We are creating this ourselves.

Jason Shelfer (02:53):
We are we create this persona.
Almost every prison that webuild for ourselves, whether
emotional or structural, isself-imposed.

Jana Shelfer (03:03):
But I don't think that men have.
I don't think little boyscreate this.
We create this for them.

Jason Shelfer (03:12):
Well, but also as little boys we are seeing it
and we are seeking approval.
So if we are crying as littleboys and we see our dad say, hey
, man up, put some dirt on itand get back out there, then we
learn it's not OK to be sad,it's not OK to to cry or be hurt
.
There's a job to be done and weneed to get back on the field.

Jana Shelfer (03:38):
Here's the thing when you really are the sexiest
and the manliest to me is whenyou are sharing those
vulnerabilities.

Jason Shelfer (03:53):
So I think part of the equation that we're
missing, especially with thekids, is going back and
revisiting those moments.

Jana Shelfer (04:00):
Yeah, so how.

Jason Shelfer (04:02):
Hey, what were you experiencing in that moment?
I realize you hurt yourself, Irealize that you missed a play
or the game was lost.
What were you feeling in thatmoment and what did you learn
from it?
So we missed that part of it.
Because what we need to do isrecognize our feelings and say,
okay, what did it teach us?
Okay, what could we have donebetter, could we have practiced

(04:23):
more, could we have prepared alittle bit differently, like
what are the things we mighthave done differently and how
might we be more effective inthe future?
But we don't go back and we wedon't go back and revisit any of
those things and say, um, whatwere the feelings I was feeling
at the time?
It was like shake it off.

Jana Shelfer (04:43):
Yeah, get out there and get the job done.
It's almost like, as a society,we teach the masculine gender
to not talk about their feelings.

Jason Shelfer (04:57):
Which helps us forget our feelings.

Jana Shelfer (05:00):
And not be in touch with them.

Jason Shelfer (05:01):
Right.
So then later in life we getdown to these three or four
feelings that we now know whichare anger.

Jana Shelfer (05:08):
No, it's mad, bad, sad and glad yeah.

Jason Shelfer (05:12):
So because they're easy to remember, they
rhyme right.

Jana Shelfer (05:15):
I know.

Jason Shelfer (05:17):
And then we change them to pissed off, you
know.

Jana Shelfer (05:20):
Yeah, there's variations of mad.
Yeah, you know, I'm livid, I'mangry.

Jason Shelfer (05:25):
But what you didn't hear in there is fear.

Jana Shelfer (05:28):
Yeah, no, no, no, no no.

Jason Shelfer (05:29):
Because we're not going to admit that we're
scared of something, because thealpha male is the lion.
Yeah, we're not scared ofthings, we're courageous, yes,
so we don't talk about the fear,we talk about the courage.
So it's experiencing that andsaying, okay, well, why was I

(05:50):
angry?
But in order to have courage,you have to recognize the fear.

Jana Shelfer (05:55):
You have to recognize your fear.

Jason Shelfer (05:57):
Yeah and that's, and a lot of times like what I
didn't realize was I was tryingto understand my anger, like
when I went through a time wherethere was a lot of things.
There were a lot of things thatmade me angry and I didn't
realize that I wasn't angry.
I was scared of things.
I was scared of not being incontrol, I was scared of

(06:19):
uncertainty, but it made me likeI chose anger instead of
dealing with the fear.

Jana Shelfer (06:26):
Yes, I well.
I think I think a lot of peopledo that.
And you say that you place fearwith anger.
I think a lot of people replacefear with other emotions.
I know I sometimes replace fearwith depression and sadness,

(06:46):
and then a lot of times we'llmedicate for that sadness.
You know, yeah, so, and then alot of times we'll, we'll,
medicate for that you knowthat's what we've like.

Jason Shelfer (06:54):
We'll either numb out on the couch we will try to
escape the life that we'reliving, we'll we'll have a drink
or so after we become eitheralcoholics or shopaholics, or we
overeat you know, we eat ourfeelings.

Jana Shelfer (07:07):
We have all these these different ways of trying
to express or feel the feelingsand yet sometimes we just
talking.
Talking about them is reallythe best way.

Jason Shelfer (07:23):
And knowing what they are.
I think one of the biggestthings that helped me was the
emotion wheel and seeing thelist of all the different
feelings.

Jana Shelfer (07:33):
Because I know I went through a time period where
I literally would say to youout loud I'm feeling something
and I don't know what it is.

Jason Shelfer (07:42):
You're right.

Jana Shelfer (07:43):
I don't know what it is, because sometimes it's
not just one feeling, it'salmost like a mixture of
feelings that sometimes conflicteach other in a weird sort of
way.

Jason Shelfer (08:00):
Yeah, and if you're not familiar with what
you're feeling, like, if you'rein the names of it, like if
you're not familiar with thenaming of the feelings because
we've been out of practice forso long, we've been ignoring
this language for so long, thenyou're not going to be able to
pick those feelings out and say,okay, I don't know what that is
, and if you can't name it, youdefinitely can't tame it.

Jana Shelfer (08:23):
So it's almost like Did you just make that up,
because that was pretty profound.

Jason Shelfer (08:28):
I've used it a couple of times in coaching
sessions, because I believe thatwhen you, words are powerful.
And if you're using the wrongwords, you're going to create
the wrong story.

Jana Shelfer (08:39):
Yes.
And so once we get the rightname to the right feeling, yes,
because if you, if you in yourmind, think that you're just an
angry person, Right in your mind, think that you're just an
angry person, right.
And if you really unpeel thatfeeling and you realize wait a
minute it's not necessarily thatI'm angry, or maybe there's

(09:00):
anger in there, but the realunderlying emotion is that I'm
scared I'm scared to bedifferent.

Jason Shelfer (09:08):
I'm scared of failing because I can fix the
anger.
But what if I fix the anger andthen I go to what you had was
sad or depressed, right?
Which is where I underneath itwas all fear, all scared, being
scared of something, yes.
So if I just named it correctlyat the beginning, then I could
have said, okay, what is scaringme right now, what's making me

(09:29):
feel afraid?
And then I get I've named it,now I can tame it, and now I
don't land on one of these otheremotions.
That's just above the fear.

Jana Shelfer (09:39):
Which is what causes these patterns that tend
to repeat themselves over and,over and over, which is why, a
lot of times, we get to a pointin our life where we're like, oh
my gosh, it doesn't matter whatI do or who I come to contact
with, I tend to repeat thesesame emotional patterns.

Jason Shelfer (09:56):
And if the emotional talk isn't making
sense, think about eatingsomething and it's got a spice
in it that you just can't figureout what that spice is.
But if you had a list of thespices that, you could choose
from, then you would be able tosee it.
You could choose from, then youwould be able to see it.
So that's what, when I saw thislist of the emotional wheel and

(10:16):
all the different emotions thatcould be there, I was able to
say, oh, I feel, I can, I cantaste a little bit of that in
there.

Jana Shelfer (10:22):
I can feel a little bit of this in here, and
then you provided space forcuriosity and to, and to say it
out loud yeah, yeah.

Jason Shelfer (10:33):
So when I said it out loud I could really start
to, because that's putting wordsto it Instead of keeping it up
in my head where it turns into,like this word soup.

Jana Shelfer (10:42):
Yes.

Jason Shelfer (10:43):
Where it doesn't get fluid and doesn't get
articulated, and it creates alittle extra clarity when you
put it on paper or out into asentence, because it has to be
formulated Right, it can't justbe jumbled.
Yes and that.
So creating new clarity aroundthings is having a conversation,

(11:05):
like what we do with thepodcast.
It's just having a conversation.
It's just having a conversationand then also that builds a
bridge between us because ithelps us understand oh, now I
understand where that person'scoming from, what they might be
feeling.

Jana Shelfer (11:19):
Okay, so now let's go to.
Why don't people start havingthese conversations?
And I'll tell you why.
Because when we first startedhaving some of these deeper
conversations, they can easilyturn into almost like magnets
that have turned the oppositeway, and start repelling.

(11:44):
Start repelling, or it caneasily turn into something that
is very uncomfortable for bothpeople.
And you think this is not theperson that I know.

Jason Shelfer (12:03):
Because what?
So?
What happens there is is thenwe stop.
Sometimes what happens is iswhen a couple starts doing this
by themselves, yes, they willstart saying I didn't know, you
felt that way because we haven'thad these conversations in so
long.
Right, so we have.
We've.
We've gone on for 10 years,we've gone on for 15 years,

(12:24):
seven years, how, whatever thetimeframe is, we've never had
these conversations about how wefelt.
Now I feel I'm being attacked,I feel like I'm getting
defensive, and then we don'ttalk about that.
And it's really nothing aboutthe other person.
It's just about how someone isfeeling and recognizing that

(12:45):
they are developing this newlanguage of expressing it,
because it's new for them toexpress it.

Jana Shelfer (12:52):
And as soon as you start expressing that, then
again there can be almostdefensive mechanisms that pop up
.
Well, why haven't you expressed?

Jason Shelfer (13:04):
your feelings.

Jana Shelfer (13:05):
Do I not make you feel safe, like almost I'm
offended that you don't trust mewith this delicate part of your
heart?

Jason Shelfer (13:16):
And so then I'm going to just say, one of the
biggest hurdles, I think, formen in getting there is we.
One of the big things abouttelling our spouses the things
that scare us, the things thatthat hurt our, like that hurt us
or that we're embarrassed ofall these little things on our

(13:38):
lower spectrum of emotions isthat we want to be the lion, we
want to be the king of thejungle, and we also feel like
our queen isn't going to want tosleep with or have sex with the
scared lion in the pack.
Does that make sense?

Jana Shelfer (13:57):
Yes, but that's a story you're telling yourself.
It's a story we're tellingourselves.

Jason Shelfer (14:02):
It is so we need to make sure we have that safe
space in our relationships sothat we can have these
conversations, because I wouldsay our relationship has grown
exponentially from theseconversations.

Jana Shelfer (14:20):
True, okay, so back to men sharing their
feelings.
How do you suggest?

Jason Shelfer (14:30):
starting that.
You start it by understandingthe language, like learning
different new emotions, like thenames of them, so get the
emotion.

Jana Shelfer (14:42):
Yes, it's not just bad, sad, glad and mad.
There's more feelings that areunderneath there.

Jason Shelfer (14:50):
There's thousands of names for feelings and
emotions.
There's a great tool that youcan Google.
It's called the Emotion WheelNames of Emotions.
So Google that, get the list ofemotional, the Emotion Wheel,
and it'll separate those intolike four categories the ones
that are like great, good,mediocre and bad.

Jana Shelfer (15:12):
And maybe as a society, as a culture, we need
to reframe the phrase man up.
Maybe man up means let's talkabout our feelings.

Jason Shelfer (15:24):
Like be a full person.
Yes, not the tip of the spear,but a full person.

Jana Shelfer (15:31):
And the more you can talk about your feelings,
then you start to understandcompassion and you start to
connect on a deeper level.
Other people start realizingokay, wait a minute, there's
more.
There's more to this person.

Jason Shelfer (15:47):
Yes, not just a provider, but someone that's a
lover of life, lover of all ofthemselves and the people around
them.

Jana Shelfer (15:55):
That's very reflective.
I hope that this helps someonethat is hearing it and if you
feel that maybe your spouse,maybe your brother, maybe your
dad, maybe someone in yoursphere, maybe your son, might
want to listen to this and knowthat it's cool.

(16:17):
It is cool I mean, I sound likeNancy Reagan yes, you know what
I'm saying but it's cool toshare your feelings.

Jason Shelfer (16:24):
Say yes to your emotions.

Jana Shelfer (16:25):
It's sexy.
I think it is extremely sexywhen you can actually tell me
what it is that you're reallythinking and feeling, and it's
so much knowledge for me, aslong as I don't become
judgmental or offended by it.

Jason Shelfer (16:42):
Yes, 100%.

Jana Shelfer (16:43):
As long as I can accept it, and say oh that's so
interesting.
Come at it with curiosity sothat he feels that you feel safe
to share again.

Jason Shelfer (16:53):
I feel safe, validated, and then I also get
rewarded for it, which is justpowerful.

Jana Shelfer (16:58):
Rewarded in so many ways.
Hello.
Bounchicka bow wow, thanks forjoining us.
Keep Living Lucky®.
Bye, bye.
If the idea of Living Lucky®appeals to you, visit us at www.
LivingLucky.
com.