Stop Fishing For Guilt

Say "No," End Guilt Trips: The Boundary Hack You Need 🛑 

Does a simple "no" trigger guilt and debate? This self-help episode uses a real-life conflict to show you how to say "No is a sentence" without collapsing your boundaries.

Stop the pressure to over-explain your way out of commitments. Learn to be direct, kind, and brief to protect your time, energy, and self-respect.

Master two mindset shifts for pushback:

1. The Let Them Mindset: Detach from other people's negative reactions.
2. The Guilt Hook: Stop "fishing for guilt," pull your attention out of the water, and reclaim your focus.

Nuggets & Takeaways:

• No Is a Sentence: "No is a sentence." It protects your boundaries and values. Clarity is kindness; brevity prevents debate.
• The Over-Explaining Trap: Avoid rationalization. Over-explaining invites pushback. No should be good enough.
• The Let Them Mindset: If people react negatively, embrace Let Them. Let them have their feelings; you do not have to manage every emotion.
• Stop Fishing for Guilt: Guilt keeps nibbling on your line (attention). Pull the line out, disengage, and move to a different focus.
• The Guilt Release Ritual: Acknowledge disappointment ("I hear you’re disappointed") but hold the line: "My answer stays the same."
• Prioritizing Commitments: Boundaries keep promises to others by first keeping promises to yourself. Clarity beats accommodation.
• Scripts for Clarity: Use short phrases: "That doesn't work for me" or "Not today" (offer an alternative only if genuine).

Set clear boundaries and stop letting guilt steal your energy? Hit play and say "no" with confidence!

• How to say no without feeling guilty. Scripts for setting clear boundaries. What is the "Let Them" mindset for handling pushback? The guilt hook metaphor explained. Why women over-explain their boundaries. How to stop absorbing other people's reactions. Protecting your time and energy from unexpected requests. What is the principle 'No is a sentence'? How can I stop feeling guilty after saying no to someone? What is the 'guilt hook' metaphor in personal development? How does the 'Let Them' mindset work? Why is it important to avoid over-explaining

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*Previously Recorded

Episode Transcript

Jana Shelfer (00:00):
Are you ready to create a life you crave?
Let's spin that doom loop ofnegativity into an upward
success cycle and startLiving Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer (00:14):
Good morning! I'm Jana Shelfer.
I'm Jason.

Jana Shelfer (00:17):
And we are Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer (00:19):
You are too.

Jana Shelfer (00:20):
No is a sentence.

Jason Shelfer (00:23):
It's a complete answer.

Jana Shelfer (00:25):
No.
Period.
No.
Exclamation point.

Jason Shelfer (00:30):
This does not work for me right now.
No?
No.

Jana Shelfer (00:32):
You can even put a question mark behind it, but it
is a sentence.
Why is it that we sometimesfeel we need to rationalize our
boundaries?

Jason Shelfer (00:43):
And give excuses, explanations, all this.

Jana Shelfer (00:47):
And then proceed to feel guilty or I don't I
think the word is guilty forsome reason.
Made to feel guilty for sayingno.

Jason Shelfer (00:57):
And people that don't respect the boundaries or
have their own agenda want tojust push those boundaries or
see how strong the boundary is.

Jana Shelfer (01:08):
So I have had a situation in the last few days,
and I won't mention any names.
I sometimes feel badly aboutabout sharing so much.

Jason Shelfer (01:20):
All of our friends know all of our friends
know that if it happens in ourlife, it's it's bound to be on
the podcast.

Jana Shelfer (01:25):
It's gonna be on the podcast.
Anyway, I had someone text meand say, Hey, I heard that you
have a group of people over atyour house.
And I would like to come hangout with everybody.
Perfect.
And I texted back and said,Today we are getting a late

(01:47):
start on the water because we'rewe're water skiers and we're
training.

Jason Shelfer (01:51):
And the yesterday everyone got in.
So, first of all, everyonearrived the day before, uh-huh.
Late at night.
We're getting a late startbecause everyone people came in
from California, from the westcoast of Canada.
We're getting a late start sothey can get through their jet
lag.
They're gonna sleep in a littlebit, we're gonna get a late
start.

Jana Shelfer (02:10):
And also just feel the lay of the land.
Yeah.
Like they were just you know,let me see the house, let me see
the lake, let me see thecourse.
We were setting the tone of thecamp.

Jason Shelfer (02:20):
Right.

Jana Shelfer (02:21):
I get this text of someone saying, Hey, I want to
come and hang out with everybodytoday.
Now I know that this person isa talker.
And I also know, I mean, uh Ialso know that we have things to
do.
Like we had a schedule.
Plus, Jason and I had our biggala in the evening.

(02:41):
So I knew that we would have toend a little early so that we
could all shower and get ready.

Jason Shelfer (02:47):
So it it's if the ski day starts at 10 a.m.
and we have to leave for thegala at 3 p.m., that doesn't
leave a lot of room for thethings that need to get done in
the in the middle, like thework.
It doesn't leave a lot for workto get done.

Jana Shelfer (03:00):
Okay, so to proceed in the story, I texted
back and said, today is not thebest day.
However, if you would like tocome, and then I gave options of
other days to come.
Yeah, everyone's here for aweek, a whole week.

Jason Shelfer (03:14):
Well, this person got butt rage.
Yeah, so and we and if youhaven't listened my favorite
term.
And if you haven't listened toour butt butt rage podcast,
which talks about being butthurtor disappointed, upset, upset
need needing to push thatboundary, like make someone feel
guilty about something or beingreally just disappointed in

(03:35):
something over and over and overagain, go back and listen to
that podcast because I'llexplain that fully.

Jana Shelfer (03:41):
And so then I I proceeded to get an earful from
not only the person that wastexting, but from the other
people he was texting around mycircle.
Yeah, this person texted me andsaid this person is very upset
that you didn't want them tocome over today.

Jason Shelfer (03:58):
And said he couldn't come over.
And so then, it wasn't that hecouldn't come over today, that
he couldn't come over.

Jana Shelfer (04:04):
But that's not the truth.

Jason Shelfer (04:05):
Right.
The truth was today's not agood day.

Jana Shelfer (04:08):
Today's not a good day.
Today doesn't work with ourschedule.

Jason Shelfer (04:11):
We can make accommodations any other day.

Jana Shelfer (04:15):
So I've gone to bed uh every night and I
literally stew in in like somesort of, oh gosh, should I feel
badly about how much mentalenergy should you give to
someone who doesn't respect yourboundaries?

Jason Shelfer (04:29):
That's the question.

Jana Shelfer (04:30):
And that's what it really comes down to.
And this morning I just had anaha moment that, hey, you know
what?
I feel a little disrespected inthat I gave my answer and then
it was questioned and gossipedabout and talked about and
whatnot.

Jason Shelfer (04:49):
And I think that goes back to like Mel Robbins
has a great series called LetThem.
And just say, you know what?
I've answered this question andI I'm done with it.
Like let them do it.

Jana Shelfer (05:00):
I've also heard Mel Robbins also say that no is
a sentence.

Jason Shelfer (05:05):
No is a sentence.

Jana Shelfer (05:06):
And I will say, in this society, for some reason,
I think females many times feelthat they need to rationalize
their answer or even add a thankyou at the end of it.
No thank you.
No, thank you, which I know isa politeness, and so I'm not
saying don't do that, but I'mI'm saying if you just want to

(05:28):
say no, no is no is sufficient.

Jason Shelfer (05:32):
No should be good enough.

Jana Shelfer (05:34):
Yes, it is, it is good enough.

Jason Shelfer (05:36):
Yeah.
I I completely concur.
And I will also give like Idon't so I I have this thing
about wanting to not hurtfeelings.
Like we all have this inherentbecause we're pleased to like
want to to stay in good gracesand and not hurt feelings, and I
get it.
Like I totally get that.
And it's and no one is goinglike I don't think people want

(05:59):
to go out and hurt feelings oror want to say to dismiss.
Yes.
Like to say, you don't matter,you're I'm dismissing you.
And it's not about that.
Like I think you did itwonderfully by saying, Hey, this
isn't a good day for us.
This isn't this isn't theoptimal timing.

(06:20):
How how would these days can wecan we do something?
We have this all these otherdays available.

Jana Shelfer (06:24):
Yes.

Jason Shelfer (06:25):
Please please come, please, please, we're we
welcome you to our house,welcome you into the to the
fold, please come on these otherany other day.

Jana Shelfer (06:34):
Yes.

Jason Shelfer (06:35):
And that just wasn't good enough.
And then the other excuses werethose does didn't work for me.
Well, I'm sorry, then thisisn't the trip.
This is this isn't this isn'tthe right timing for either of
us.
But it's not your fault thattoday doesn't work.
It's not our fault that todaydoesn't work for him.
Yes.

Jana Shelfer (06:53):
That's the thing.
And that's what I found withwith this whole situation is
letting it go within myself.
Letting the um just letting itgo.

Jason Shelfer (07:04):
So how do I let go of the fact that I've
disappointed someone?

Jana Shelfer (07:08):
Yes.
And that is very hard for me.
Which is I it which for me iswhy I think a lot of people they
say no, and then sometimesthey'll they rationalize their
no.
They they feel like they needto either give excuses or they
need to come up with a reason.

Jason Shelfer (07:26):
So sometimes it's not about not hurting the other
person's feelings.

Jana Shelfer (07:30):
It's about respecting your own.

Jason Shelfer (07:32):
Yeah.
And also it's about saying, Howdo I not like if if I'm so here
I go, for some reason Ipictured this image of me
fishing and catching guilt.

Jana Shelfer (07:46):
Oh, yes.

Jason Shelfer (07:47):
You know, like I I just caught guilt from the way
someone else responded.

Jana Shelfer (07:51):
Yes.

Jason Shelfer (07:52):
And I I don't want to catch that because
sometimes I'm fishing forsomething else in life, but I
for some reason I keep catchingthis guilt.

Jana Shelfer (08:01):
Yes.
Like I'm which is a Janaproblem.
I just want to say this.
This is a Jana Shelfer problem.

Jason Shelfer (08:07):
I'm fishing for fun, I'm fishing for excitement,
I'm fishing for this experienceof being in the now, but for
some reason, guilt keepsnibbling on my line.

Jana Shelfer (08:15):
Jason, that's a really good analogy.
Usually I I poo-poo youranalogy sometimes.
But I I see where you're comingfrom, and and that just gave me
a little aha light bulb thatyou know what?
I'm in charge of me and the wayI feel, and I'm gonna shield
myself from and maybe we justtake that line out of the water

(08:38):
and say, you know what?

Jason Shelfer (08:40):
I said no, and I'm so this line is coming out
of the water.
I'm gonna put that bait back inthe tackle box, and I'm going
to go.
We're moving on.

Jana Shelfer (08:49):
We're moving to a different fishing space.

Jason Shelfer (08:51):
Next, please.

Jana Shelfer (08:52):
Yes.

Jason Shelfer (08:53):
Like just let it go.
Like let it go.
I'm gonna Elsa this moment.

Jana Shelfer (08:59):
Oh my goodness.
Okay, so I know that this isresonating with someone out
there that is listening.
It's probably resonating withyou.

Jason Shelfer (09:08):
A lot of you city folks out there with your
fishing poles over yourshoulders.

Jana Shelfer (09:13):
I see you.
You sound like huck fans.

Jason Shelfer (09:15):
That's right.

Jana Shelfer (09:17):
No is a sentence.
Thank you so much forlistening.

Jason Shelfer (09:20):
Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer (09:21):
Bye bye.
If the idea of Living Lucky®appeals to you, visit us at
LivingLucky.com