October 11, 2024 • 43 mins
In this episode of The Last Boy Scouts, Tyler and Danny tackle the ups and downs of their weekend, starting with technical glitches during their mountain recording session and reflecting on the recent belt test. From discussing the importance of perseverance on the mat to digging deep into personal reflections on relationships, the guys share powerful insights about personal growth, conflict resolution, and the journey to becoming better men.
- Tech Troubles in the Mountains: The guys face equipment challenges but keep it real and raw, discussing how they overcome frustrations.
- Belt Test Recap: A proud moment for the community as they celebrate Preston and Dave earning their black belts. Tyler and Danny reflect on what it means to work hard and stay committed.
- Progress & Regression: Why it's crucial to recognize not only our progress but also our ability to bounce back from setbacks.
- The "Same Team" Mentality: How relationships, especially marriage, require constant teamwork and open communication.
- Healing Conflict: Conflict doesn’t mean disconnection; it's an opportunity to grow. The guys share personal stories on navigating tough moments in their marriages.
- Sponsorship Shoutouts: Announcements about collaborations with Mayhem on the Mat, Jitsi Rings, and Element.
Episode Summary:
In this candid and reflective episode, Tyler and Danny dive into the challenges of life both on and off the mat. Broadcasting from the mountains, the duo battles through technical issues while sharing stories from a recent jiu-jitsu belt test, where perseverance and teamwork took center stage. They delve into the complexities of relationships, discussing how they navigate conflicts with their spouses and the importance of being on the "same team." Throughout the conversation, they emphasize the value of learning from both progress and setbacks, whether it’s in jiu-jitsu or life. This episode is a powerful mix of humor, heart, and real talk about manhood, growth, and resilience.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tyler (00:07):
Alright. Welcome back. Last Boy Scouts podcast. We're
just struggling through sometechnical issues. Technical
issues are the funniest thing.
Danny (00:15):
Right? Oh, yeah. So, like, I hope we come off
correct, but, man, we came up tothe mountains and decided to
test out some new equipment, getjust, like, for our audience to
see what we see every day. And,I don't think it does it justice
unless you see it with youreyes. Right?
Tyler (00:33):
No. You're absolutely right. You need it in high
definition. For sure.
Danny (00:36):
You need it in,
Tyler (00:38):
did not yeah. Just need to take in the max to
Danny (00:40):
get all. Yeah. It's, it's beautiful. But technical
difficulties, like, are a realthing. Right?
I mean, we spent, like,thankfully, Tyler is the
technical guru because I'm justsitting around looking pretty
and, like, giving a little bitof, like, encouraging words,
like, you got this, Tyler. Youcan do it. Yeah. There's nothing
(01:01):
I can do. I'm just hanging out.
Tyler (01:03):
It's it's a bit frustrating. Right? And it's my
bad for not testing and settingup the equipment beforehand.
It's either gonna have a greatsuccess. That's my best score
at.
Danny (01:14):
Yeah.
Tyler (01:15):
Or it's gonna be a total another clock and or something
in between. And
Danny (01:19):
B sides. Yeah. We those again.
Tyler (01:22):
We'll get it. We'll get it. And, like, that's the thing.
Like, you did
Danny (01:25):
we're just
Tyler (01:25):
out here creating. Yep. We're out here doing the best we
can to create and and speak to ageneration of people that that
you can just and just share a
Danny (01:33):
message, man. And, and continue sharing what like you
said, continue sharing, the thepath and the the platform that
we that we're trying to createfor people. Because, so let's
let's talk about let's talklet's recap. Okay. Let's recap.
Those of you guys that are, longtime followers, long time
(01:54):
listeners, you know that we havethe belt test coming up, and,
the belt test happened Saturday.Yep. And what was your initial
thought?
Tyler (02:04):
I thought it was great. I thought it's great. I don't know
how freely I feel like I canspeak, because all of those guys
are my guys. They show up forme. We train.
Obviously, you know, we couldn'tsay it enough. We we we chatted
Preston pretty hard on the lastpodcast. He, of course, got his
black belt. It's just an amazingexperience.
Danny (02:26):
Yeah. Gosh, man. Like, the whole every single that was
one of the first tests whereevery single person looked like
they took it completelyseriously. Mhmm. Ivory, Mike, I
don't know if you need it, butprofessor surprised, Sean and
Crystal.
They had no idea they were in aperiod of life. They had no
(02:46):
idea. But he said, if you're apro well, you should at least
know the movies. You may notknow them perfectly, but you
should know the movie. And Ithought they took it seriously.
They did it back down. They werelike, okay. Cool. Yeah. We got
it.
Tyler (02:59):
Yeah. Both great additions to that Lehigh office,
and, you know, Sean's at leastcurrently going through, getting
getting his, you know, master'sdegree in therapy as well. Yeah.
Yeah. So we're we we have thatto kind of chat about.
Gosh. Man.
Danny (03:15):
So Preston and Dave, I spent the last 3 weeks with
them, and, they put in so muchtime and effort. It inspired me
because I've I've been, youknow, I I've been practicing the
black belt move for a long along time. I think that once you
realize that that it's a thatit's it's a possibility, you
(03:36):
start to put in that time andeffort. You came with me,
Friday. And even, like, just alittle bit of you were there for
a moment, but because you speaka tiny bit of you can see we're
able to catch on pretty quicklywith the boat.
Right? Yeah. And Dave and,Preston, they looked good. They
look great. Gosh.
They look so good. Yeah. It wasit was really inspiring for me,
(03:59):
of how, like, it's like, man,that's how it's supposed to
look.
Tyler (04:01):
Yeah. Clean. Yep. Crisp,
Danny (04:04):
on point, and, like, really, really, like, not
theatrical, like, theatrical,like, big explosions, but
theatrical.
Tyler (04:12):
Yeah. Yeah. There's a few moves too that are specifically,
like, the
Danny (04:16):
The throw in the
Tyler (04:17):
throw a haymaker. Haymaker where you throw them
across the Yeah.
Danny (04:21):
Yeah. It was, and and all the whites are blues. They look
great. We had 5 brown belts.It's such a long day.
Yeah. 2 and a half hours of, youknow, people going through the
roof. I was, Mitch's partner.Hunched in the face. Right and
cracked me.
Dude, dude. He cracked me.
Tyler (04:45):
He he was mortified. Oh, it was terrible.
Danny (04:48):
I thought he was gonna he was on the verge of tears
because he said the one thingthat I didn't want to have
happened, I manifested to havehappened. And he cracked me.
Remember my teeth clacked. And Iwas just like, oh my god. It
happened.
And I look over, and every blackbelt seems, and they're
(05:10):
laughing. Yeah. Mona and Nickare red faced because they're
laughing. I look over at youguys, and you guys were all
like, oh my gosh. That justhappened.
Everybody's laughing. I thought,of course. Yeah. Of course. You
know?
And and he was great. He he putin auto he looks really good.
Tyler (05:26):
He looks really good. For as nervous as he was. Yeah.
Danny (05:30):
60 years ago. What? Rate? Dude, I think. Yeah.
Not afraid. No. No. You know,has a good has a good, has a
really good, demeanor about him.I don't know if you can hear
what the
Tyler (05:44):
person said. The guy I the guy are you talking about
the guy I yell at him at?
Danny (05:49):
And he asked. Yeah. You know, he's he used to, Mitch. I
mean, I don't know how manytimes I've been on the phone
with Mitch. And he's like, IDanny, I just did something.
I shouldn't have done it on myphone. Tell me you didn't make
Mike mad. And he's like, yeah.And I'm probably not gonna be
around the gym for a couple ofmonths because he was really mad
at me this time, and I'mthinking, he's really mad at me
(06:10):
every time. You know?
But, but
Tyler (06:13):
What's he do? Like, I've never really seen, like, what is
it that he does? Because I'venever seen like, I've seen Mike
mad, but I've never seen his hishe I need to know so I don't do
it.
Danny (06:25):
Well and so what happens is is, like, you know, there's a
path for everybody. Right? Andand if you try to cut corners on
the path, then and, it's odd.Can you try to cut corners? But
if you actually ask to cut thecorners, then the professor has
to kind of, like Correct.
Correct. You know? You have tocorrect them. Mitch, he
(06:46):
definitely asks, to ways around,you know, like, no. You've gotta
stay in this path.
Anyway and then he asks again.And then what he'll do is, if he
doesn't get the answer he'slooking for, he'll go find the
answer by asking somebody else,
Tyler (07:01):
who
Danny (07:02):
doesn't know that they've already had this conversation.
Maybe they give him the wronganswer.
Tyler (07:06):
Okay. Okay. Okay. So yeah. Just kinda not respecting
the
Danny (07:10):
The hire. The hire. Yeah. Okay. And so, it's not that
Mitch does it on purpose, butit's just the fact that, like,
it happened.
Right? Like, it's like
Tyler (07:17):
a it's like a level of validation. I do. Yeah. Perfect.
Danny (07:23):
Yeah. And so, there were so many people there. It was it
was really cool. We did thebarbecue. It's a long day for
everybody, and I thought thateverybody showed up well.
Yeah. Everybody showed up tosupport. Yeah. I think they said
12 black dogs total on
Tyler (07:42):
the map. Yeah. Sounds about right. It was packed. It
was packed.
Yeah. There was there wasstanding room only. It was. And
so
Danny (07:52):
all the families being there and just celebrating,
especially the rest of themeals, celebrate camp was was
cool. And him and I, like, I wehave I'll share a couple of
pictures, but we have a hug. Wewe hugged, and I can just but
we're both so happy. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
You
Danny (08:09):
know? And I and I was super ecstatic for him, and, you
know, thinking about that wholethe next level, the next steps
in your journey, how you wantthings to be, and it's like that
that's how I am.
Tyler (08:21):
It's it's cool. It's interesting. I had an
interesting conversation with,with one of the guys, Pearson
Ather. After the ceremony, hewas like, I hate getting
strikes. And I here I am.
I got I just got a strike,obviously. And I know there's
some, like, record keeping, butthere's, like it's always
exciting
Danny (08:38):
when, you know, you put
Tyler (08:38):
in the work and you want the strike. You have to remind
yourself, okay. It was theycalled you up. I didn't get
another strike. They were justrecognizing that I got the
strike.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Sure.
Tyler (08:46):
And I thought, like, that was totally cool. It's great to
get that extra recognition.
Danny (08:50):
Yeah.
Tyler (08:50):
Not to say that I wasn't like, I didn't want it a little
bit. But, like, hey. It is whatit is. It's the the mat jujitsu
is where I go to work out someof my darkest my darkest things
and kinda bring me back intobalance. And so Pearson said
some interesting things.
He's like he's like, I know thatI'm getting closer to the end of
this journey. And I'm like andhe's like, not necessarily that
(09:11):
I will stop learning jujitsu,but, like, you
Danny (09:13):
get to that black belt and you're
Tyler (09:15):
you think your progress is slow now. Imagine being a
black belt, your progress just,like, it's, like, it it's not
that it's, like, you're alreadyspeaking that language, so it's
just it's almost like it kindacomes to an end in a sense.
That,
Danny (09:28):
like, that that
Tyler (09:30):
you know what I mean?
Danny (09:31):
The progression forward. Yeah. And the and, like, around
your around your waist, you seethe progression forward. Yeah.
And so that's where, like, a lotof times, I think, like,
especially if you race to theblack belt, then what?
My race is not and I tell peoplethis all the time. It's like, my
race is to be Mitch's age Yeah.Still being on the mat and
(09:52):
still, like, competing
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Yeah.
Danny (09:54):
Well with my guys and hanging out with my guys and my
friends. Because like you said,we go there to work out some of
our darkest times and some ofour happiest times, some of our
brightest times come from, fromthe clarity, from the media
because we are fighters. You andI are both fighters. We fought
We fight, for our childhood. Wefight for our inner child.
(10:16):
We fight for the the things thatwe feel maybe that we were
wronged in, but we are fighters.Yeah. We have to fight. If we
don't fight, then we feel kindof stagnant. We feel kind of
stuck there.
Yeah. Right? And so, it itreally is a kind of, like, how
do you approach the next, thenext level of that thing
(10:39):
because, you know, Mike, Pedro,or or, you know, Pedro, Jeff
Curran, all those guys are, man,a 10, 15 plus 20 plus years as a
blackjack.
Tyler (10:53):
Yeah. Well, who was it? Strum Strum? Oh, yeah. Mauricio.
Mauricio Strum. Strumowski.Strumowski. He got his black
belt in 1980, right, a yearbefore I was born. He'd been a
he's been a black belt my wholelife.
Whole life. My whole life, hehas been a black belt. And, I
mean, like, we could, like,understanding of the sport and
(11:14):
how to how to play the gamewhere I'm just developing it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm I'mI'm partly speaking at Yeah.
Danny (11:20):
A few steps back Yeah. One step forward type situation.
Yeah. During the day, you know,the because our podcast came out
Friday, a lot of people werecoming up to us and talking to
us. And I kept getting textmessages about, like especially
from Preston and his family, youknow, like, thank you so much
for saying the kind words.
Thank you. Thank you for whatyou said. Yeah. For I thought
(11:41):
last podcast, we really hit somesome some bangers, some some
bangers. Yeah.
We hit some we hit some ballsout of the fence. So, like, how
you should approach, like,perfect progression and
regression. Right? Yeah. And Idon't think that you we can see
progression so much.
Yeah. You can see it so much,but you don't give yourself,
(12:02):
like, accolades for the factthat you made it through a
regression.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Right.
Danny (12:06):
Like a back like a backslide. Oh, yeah. You know,
you you oh, man, I'm doing sogood. All of a sudden, you're
like, shit. I'm I'm in the samespot I was a year ago.
Yeah. And you're like, that'snot true. You definitely are in
the back to the same place. Youryour your leather's a little
tougher. Yep.
You know, your your ability towithstand, the fight is a little
(12:27):
bit tougher. Yep. You know,you're able to stay in the round
a little bit longer. Yeah. Andso we don't give ourselves
credit for, for the journey.
I mean, journey's so long.
Tyler (12:38):
Yeah. I mean, it's your whole life. Right? It's however
many days you get to wake up andsay, hooray. The sun came up
again today.
Right? Like and you're you'reabsolutely right. Like, we're
developing our game, and ourgame is always always I mean,
even as a, you know, a seasonedblack belt, your game will
change. You always learn moreinformation. And the same is
(13:00):
true about life.
Right? The the way we approachthings, our capacity for
understanding, our capacity fortolerance, our capacity to just
take another breath whensomebody's triggering us is is
constantly growing. Right? It'syou're you're you're as long as
you are aware of that progressand that it's happening, and
it's it's when you deny. It'swhen you say, nope.
(13:21):
I'm perfect. I'm done. I don'tneed to hear you. Like, it's
when you start fighting againstthat. That's when that's when
you truly get stagnation.
That's when you truly hit. Youknow
Danny (13:32):
When you stop growing and stop learning. I think, like, as
long as you always keep yourselfin a learning capacity, and
especially in life, learning,being a better man, being a
better person, always learningto, like, striving. Striving.
Striving every day. Like, whatcan I do better?
Like like us sitting here for 20minutes trying to figure out how
(13:53):
to make this equipment work, andthe fact of the matter is, like,
we're we're gonna persevere.Yeah. Right? We're going to be
stronger. We're gonna know theway it's been.
Right? Yeah. And, we we
Tyler (14:04):
may only have a a standard definition version on
YouTube this week. But, like,yeah. It it I mean, it is what
it is. What's important is ourmessage. What is important is
telling the story.
What's important is is, in thiscase, like, just the the the
building of the habit. Right?Yeah. You'll continuing on with
that. Yeah.
Danny (14:23):
I think, you know, after after everything was said and
done on Saturday, you know,there was so much like kind of
like Kind of let down. Right?Yeah. You're you're I was tired,
mentally drained. I was I hadyou know, my wife and I, we we
weren't quite we weren't quitedriving on a couple of
Tyler (14:45):
things, and, like, I was I was kind of
Danny (14:47):
in the moment. I was for sure in the moment. I was, like,
trying to be there a couple oftimes, and then I I I feel
myself, like, man, I need tocheck on this thing too. Like,
see how things are going. I havethis expectation.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
So I have these expectations of of how I expect
them to go. You know? And,sometimes I get into this
expectation bias of, like, thisis the way that I want my path
to go and this is how I expectthem to go. And if they don't go
that way, then I get, like,really, cloudy, clouded judgment
(15:20):
and sometimes, like, closed offespecially with my wife. And
that's kinda where I was at.
You know, we we didn't quite weweren't quite on the same page
with some things that I wantedto do. Mhmm. And so I was like,
you know, I'll just, like, avoidthe conversation, avoid the
conversation, avoid theconversation, and just keep
(15:40):
doing my thing and not worryabout, like I mean, of course,
my wife is gonna do it Yeah.What I like to do. I mean,
she's, like, so good to me.
Mhmm. She's so supportive ofeverything that I do. But a lot
of times, like, I'll just keepgoing on my path of how I want
things to go, and I won't takeinto consideration or I'll
(16:00):
notice way too late that she isnot on the same page. You know?
And that's kinda what happenedover the weekend, and it was
kind of unfortunate because Igot a little emotional when I re
when I actually realized, oh,shit.
I'm not taking intoconsideration her, feelings or
(16:21):
her needs or her wants because Ihad put what I wanted ahead of
that. You know? Not that I can'tor I shouldn't, but it was in
the wrong form. You know? Andand so I got, really upset with
myself, and I really got, like,kind of frustrated that I had
(16:42):
missed, some of her signs, someof the signs that she was, not
onboard with some things, youknow, and and and I think that
happens as with couples, youknow, like, we've been married
for so long that sometimes I'mlike, I'm just going to do this.
Yeah. You know? And I and I losetrack of the fact that, she may
(17:03):
not be along on the ridewillingly.
Speaker 5 (17:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:06):
She's gonna be there for me, you know, and she'll get
through whatever we decide, youknow, but it may not be we may
not be, cohesive at that point.And so, luckily, she gives me
passes, you know, and she kinda,gave me a little bit of a pass,
but it it definitely opened upmy eyes of some some habits that
(17:28):
I have of not fully having herengaged in what we're doing.
Danny (17:37):
You know?
Speaker 4 (17:37):
And I I think I as a man, that's kinda happens. You
know, you get I get focused.
Speaker 5 (17:42):
Yeah. I mean, I think there's the the the essence of a
man is that we're to drive toour purpose. Sure. And that,
like, we can get super focusedon those people around us are
there just
Tyler (17:52):
to support our purpose. Sure.
Speaker 5 (17:54):
But, really, we have to make sure that there's
resonance, that there'scohesion. Right? Like, I think
one of my biggest my biggestcomplaints about my past
relationship was that we werenever really on the same team.
Right. Right?
And what does it mean to be
Tyler (18:11):
on a team? Right. Right?
Speaker 5 (18:12):
It means you're working together to accomplish a
a similar purpose or goal. Yeah.Yeah. And and you so you do. You
need buy in from thestakeholders.
Right? For sure.
Tyler (18:21):
You as a
Speaker 5 (18:21):
couple, your partner as a couple, your children.
Right? If your if your childrenare young and in the house, they
they have to kinda buy in. Imean,
Speaker 4 (18:29):
it's And and I think, like, that's kind of where, you
know, if you don't notice itright away, a wedge can happen.
You know, your wife may be like,yeah, or your partner or your
your people, your team may belike, oh, okay. Cool. Yeah.
You're gonna do this.
K. I'm supportive. And then allof a sudden, it's like, okay.
Now all we're doing is what youwanna do? Okay.
(18:50):
Cool. Yep. And then all of asudden, a wedge happens, and now
maybe there's a division. And ifyou're so focused, so hyper
focused, which I can get hyperfocused, you may miss signs of
the wedge. Right?
And a wedge has a purpose. Yeah.A wedge has a purpose to make
that division wider and widerand wider and how you know, if
(19:12):
you're not careful, like, thatdivision can get pretty wide.
And I wonder if that happens,with relationships sometimes.
You know, you just got the wedgein there so so far, and there's
no coming back, no commonground, no collecting yourself
and going, hey, same team.
I seen the funniest thing, andit was the it was like a reel.
(19:34):
And it said, it was a guy andhis wife, and he said before
every vacation, they look ateach other and the husband goes,
same team.
Speaker 5 (19:44):
Right?
Speaker 4 (19:44):
Same team. Same team. Right? And I thought, that is
amazing because it means shit'sabout to get a little hairy.
Speaker 5 (19:51):
Right.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
We're stress is about to happen, but guess what? You
and I are on the same team. Andthey were and it and I thought
to myself, that is so cool. SoI'd I'd talked to Misty about
that. And, the first day she Icould tell she was like, yeah,
whatever.
And, that to me was where I waslike, okay. There's some,
discrepancies in what we'reagreeing on. Right? Right. But
(20:15):
we had a conversation yesterdayand she said to me, because I
was kinda getting a littleirritated, she's like, same
team, same team.
And I was like,
Danny (20:21):
oh, okay. Okay. I got it.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
I got you. Same team. Because I think if you have a
common goal, we're on the sameteam.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. I think it's I mean,
how often do you sit down withyour partner and and define
those common goals and and talkabout those common goals? I
think that's something I wish Iwould have done more, and
definitely as I go on my ownjourney and, like, I journal a
lot about what did I do wrong,what did I do right.
Right? I deconstruct and andstrip away a lot of the things
(20:50):
that I thought I had done wrongthat I didn't really do wrong,
perhaps weren't necessarilywrong, but, like, you know, were
projections from another person.Right? And it it relationships
only work as long
Tyler (21:01):
as both parties are willing to do.
Danny (21:03):
With you.
Speaker 5 (21:03):
You cannot teach somebody who is unwilling to be
taught. I agree. And I thinkthat was one of my big faults is
that I always I I was alwayswilling to, you know, be
teachable at at points. There'stimes I wasn't willing to be
teachable. Sure.
Right? Like, we get in we getinto our our habits, but, like,
there were times too when I wasteaching when I could tell that
(21:26):
that that the partner that I waswith did not did not necessarily
wanna be taught.
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Sure. Yeah. And they get, you can tell right away
when somebody's kinda like Haveyou yeah. Okay. I'm good.
Speaker 5 (21:36):
Yeah. Have you ever well, I saw hopefully, you can
tell. Like, if you're if you'repaying attention to the signs,
the the nonverbals. Yeah. Yeah.
The nonverbals. You gotta yougotta read the body language.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
Speaker 5 (21:47):
Read the silence. Read the room. Yeah. Definitely.
Speaker 4 (21:51):
So as you, realize when the body language is bad,
the everything is, like, notfeeling cohesive. Right? Did you
have ways to bring things back,or did you would you get mad at
that moment because the personwasn't on your team? Because
(22:11):
I'll tell you what I do.
Speaker 5 (22:12):
Yeah. I mean, I think sitting back and and looking at
it now, right, like, in the spotI'm in now, I don't feel I don't
feel like that that that thatparticular partner was ever
really on my team.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Like, looking like, being able to step back and say,
okay. We've, you you know, I Ithink the mark of a true
relationship is being able tohave hard conversations and
reconcile through them. And itdoesn't matter how big that
chasm is. That chasm can shrinkover time.
Tyler (22:45):
You know, we gave it
Speaker 5 (22:45):
in a 19 year run, and so there was definitely some
times where we were able to comeback and repair. But was that
true repair? I think each of uslacked the tools to really
create true repair in ourrelationship. And it wasn't
until after therapy that Istarted to develop the tools,
therapy and self reflection. Andand and it's not to say that
(23:07):
neither of us were doing thework.
I think we were both doing thework, but there was no there was
no true desire for each of us toto to reunite.
Speaker 4 (23:18):
Right.
Speaker 5 (23:19):
It was there was one of us that did and one of us
that
Speaker 3 (23:21):
that did.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
I understand.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (23:22):
And so yeah. I I think that there were some
times, but I don't know that itwas true, like, that we were
doing the right things. Right?
Speaker 4 (23:30):
When you when you when you feel like that you're
on the same team, do you noticeyourself being more sensitive
towards, the other person? Like,okay. Like, I'm gonna give you a
pass because, like, maybe maybewhat I'm saying or what I'm
doing is coming off the wrongway. Because what I what happens
for me is, like, I'll get mad atfirst. What probably because,
(23:50):
like, I'm being, like,egotistical
Danny (23:52):
Right. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Selfish in my thoughts, selfish in what I'm
doing. And then I'm like, okay.You don't wanna be on my team?
Cool. Then I'm gonna be pissedfor a moment.
Danny (23:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:00):
Then I, like, get like, dang it, Danny. Don't be
that kind of a dick. You know?
Tyler (24:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
And then I'll be like, alright. Maybe we can find
common ground. Right? And then Ican still get the outcome that I
would like, or maybe I need toscrap that outcome and find a
different way.
Speaker 5 (24:19):
I would say I'm a I'm I'm a 100% the same way. Right?
Like, I am on the agreeabilityscale, like, I'm very agreeable.
And so but I also have, youknow, that the same big five
personality traits I did have. Idid rank pretty high on kinda
like the narcissisticegotistical side too.
Right? Yeah. But I mean, part ofthat is understanding my past
(24:40):
and not having resonance withit. I'd be interested to see if
I took that test again where I'drank. But I do feel that, like,
I am very empathic.
Could I always admit that I waswrong? No. That takes a lot of a
lot of, ego death, I think, toto get there, especially when,
(25:00):
you just feel this this desireto be validated. I think
everybody desires to bevalidated.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
For a long time, you know, the idea was that I didn't
know how to apologize.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Mhmm.
Speaker 4 (25:12):
Right? I'd say, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
Yeah. Right?
Speaker 4 (25:16):
And then in my mind, like, I said I'm sorry or I'm
sorry that you didn't understandwhat I was saying.
Tyler (25:22):
Right.
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Right? And, like, it sounds in my head like an
apology. Yeah. Right? And theoutcome was still the same.
It'd be like, okay. Why are youstill upset? I just apologized
to you. Yeah. I'm sorry that Igot so drunk and acted like a
jerk.
You know that's how I act likedrunk. Right. Like, I'm sorry
you felt that way. And it'slike, wait a minute. Once, once
I really started to practice,like, actually being apologetic
(25:46):
and being sorry, it diddefinitely drop some of the,
guard in the people that, youknow, that I was around or that
I was trying to apologize to.
I still work hard onapologizing. I'm not the best. I
know I'm not the best. I knowthat potentially if, you know,
Misty and I, if we have a fight,neither of us are, like, going
(26:10):
to go to the table with anapology right away. You know?
So we could go days withoutreally, like, talking to each
other. And I'll just be like,okay. We'll just I love you. You
love me. We'll get up tomorrow,and hopefully, it's better.
Yeah. If it's not, okay. I loveyou. You love me. Hopefully,
tomorrow, it's better.
Speaker 5 (26:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (26:28):
Until, you know, one of us, you know, sometimes,
like, man, my wife is she'sgreat. Because sometimes, like,
her guard will break downquicker than mine just because
I'm a little bit more stubbornand a little bit more, like,
willing to, like,
Danny (26:40):
bear down.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
You know? And then, you know, an apology will
happen. And, man, like, theafter you apologize, like, and
things mellow out, it's such arelief, but also, like, such an
emotional, like, drain. Almostfeel like I'm virtually drained.
Speaker 5 (26:58):
I mean, that's the thing about cognitive load.
Right? Like, we we we don'treally account for this massive
grapefruit sized device andinside our skull Yeah. And its
ability to devour calories whenwhen trying to solve problems
like that. So Yeah.
I I agree. I'm I'm similar in alot of ways. I think my mom
always told me that I don't wantyour apology. I want you to
(27:21):
change. And I think that thereis some some truth to an apology
without changed behavior.
Speaker 4 (27:26):
Sure.
Speaker 5 (27:27):
Is is it really an apology? Really an apology.
Yeah. You know, I know I knowplenty of people who would just
never apologize. I know thatthere are people that that I
feel like probably owe me anapology that I've just had to
let it go because I know thatthat person is never going to
apologize.
And what I've come to therealization is actually and
(27:49):
that's just more about who theyare than than me.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Yeah. For sure.
Speaker 5 (27:53):
You know? Some people just some people just can't.
They can't they can't let theirego be that vulnerable.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
Yeah. It's so funny you say that because I'm such a
sensitive guy too. Like, if youdon't apologize to me, then I
get, like I'm super sensitiveabout it too also. Like, I get
attached to that feeling of,like, wait a minute, man. You're
you you did me wrong.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
Why are you not apologizing? And then I'm, like,
super sensitive instead of,
Speaker 4 (28:17):
like, okay. Giving that person a then I'm, like,
super sensitive instead of,like, okay, giving that person a
Speaker 3 (28:21):
pass or, like, understanding that I
Speaker 4 (28:21):
gave him a pass, you know, or, it's such a funny
thing when you grow up, youknow, with a single mom because
whether you like it or not,sometimes you
Speaker 5 (28:30):
a single mom because whether you like it or
Speaker 4 (28:31):
not, sometimes you have, you know, some of those,
feminine what what people wouldconsider, like, feminine
feelings. Like, sometimes Ican't just let things go. You
know? Sometimes I can't just letthem go. Sometimes I wanna
ruminate, and I wanna, like,talk about them, and I wanna,
like, be in the, like, dig anddig and dig and dig instead of,
(28:52):
like, just be like, okay.
Cool. Like, let's move on. Youknow? And other times, I can be
like, okay. Like, we're good.
You know, I understand.
Speaker 5 (28:59):
You know, I had an I had an experience with my
sister-in-law where we were at afamily event, and it it really
just kind of highlights, like,how some people operate. And, I
mean, at this point, I'dprobably been in the family
(29:19):
about 8 years, and we were atthis this family event. We're
all staying in the same house.We'd traveled in Colorado up to
Steamboat. And, my mother-in-lawand my my sister-in-law were
sitting at the table just kindabad mouthing one of the other in
(29:40):
laws at the time.
Okay. And it wasn't the firsttime I heard it and and
certainly not the last time Iheard it, but, like, I actually
had to, like, stop him and I'mlike, dude, this is not fair.
This person isn't here to defendthemselves. Like, I don't really
appreciate it. Can, you know,can you change the subject?
And my sister-in-law turnedaround on me and was like,
(30:04):
you're not even part of thefamily. Don't get involved.
Speaker 4 (30:09):
Really?
Speaker 5 (30:09):
And I was just like, cool. I'm ready to go. I'll pack
my shit up and and we we canleave.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (30:18):
And, you know, like, every, like, my my mother-in-law
was like, I'm sorry. Like, butto this day, I never got an
apology from from mysister-in-law. And I don't I
don't I don't expect 1. Right?And and and what I do expect is
that, like, chances are if shewas doing that to one in law,
(30:42):
she's doing that to them.
Oh, sure. And so in a way, I'mkinda like, I'm not that sad.
Yeah. I'm not that sad.
Speaker 4 (30:51):
It's crazy how that is. It's because, like, people
are people are who they are allthe time. Right? You can only
put on a facade for so long.Right?
People are who they are forYeah. How they are. Right? And I
think that expectation bias iswhere we get ourself into
trouble. Like, I expect peopleto be a certain way.
(31:11):
I expect things to happen acertain way. And all of a
sudden, I could be in thismoment of, like, wow. That
didn't go anywhere near the waythat I thought it was gonna go.
And my expectation was for youto treat me the way that I treat
you. Yeah.
Right? And for you to be how Iam. And that bias gets us into
(31:32):
trouble because people are gonnabe who they are no matter what.
I also think that, apologiesjust don't come naturally Yeah.
To some people.
Tyler (31:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:45):
They just don't come naturally to some people. Like,
you have to work really hard onbeing apologetic or, like, the
way to say you're sorry and notmake not make it framed as if,
like, it's your fault that Iupset you, so I'm sorry about
that. Yeah. You know, like Yeah.I think, you know, we want to
get to a point as men, you know,and the men that I work with to
(32:06):
be, like, to own what you'vedone, to understand that you're
responsible for your own self,and to not have expectations to
of people to be how you are.
Speaker 5 (32:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:17):
Right? Yeah. And and while that is the hardest thing
that you'll ever do becauseyou'll have an expectation of
people to to this is what I'mthis is what I would do in that
situation. You'll say that.You'll frame it like that.
And then when they do itcompletely opposite, it's like,
Danny (32:33):
wow. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:34):
You couldn't be more opposite, and then you get
pissed. But it's because you putthis expectation on that person
to be a certain way that they'rejust not capable of.
Speaker 5 (32:43):
Yeah. Right? So in that situation, should I was I
putting the expectation on,like, my sister-in-law to
apologize?
Speaker 4 (32:49):
Like Maybe. Maybe. But I think, like, walking into
a situation sorry. Walking intoa situation where, you know,
puts you on the defense rightaway. Right?
Yeah. And then knowing that it'sprobably happening to you Yeah.
Makes you frustrated already.Yeah. I think in the moment, you
probably were like, okay.
What do you say about me?
Speaker 5 (33:11):
I think too yeah. Yes. You're absolutely right.
What do you say about me? Butand and but at the same time,
like, if I had not saidsomething, right, like, that's
no different than watching somekid get bullied Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
For sure.
Speaker 5 (33:24):
And not doing anything. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
No. I agree. Now now that is a good way of looking at
it too because, like, you havean expectation of yourself.
Right. And a responsibility toto do things for yourself and
how you expect yourself torespond.
Right. Right? And I do agreewith that. I think, man, you see
something wrong, you saysomething. Whatever happens,
(33:45):
don't have any expectations fromthose people.
Right? That is not easy. That'ssomething that I've had to work
my I work to this day still tonot have expectations of people
to respond the way that I wouldrespond. Or Yeah. Because, like,
at the end of the day, maybe Iwouldn't respond that way in
that situation.
Speaker 5 (34:03):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
Maybe my feelings would be like, man, fuck you.
Like, I don't care what you say.You know? And Yeah. And maybe
that is, is almost like bullshitfor me to think that I would
respond in a certain way.
You know? Because I don't knowwhat I don't know exactly how
I'll always respond. But it'sit's also one of those things
(34:24):
where, like, if we were toevolve it back to jujitsu, we
have expectations sometimes thatjust don't happen. Right?
Tyler (34:30):
Right.
Speaker 4 (34:31):
And if we trust the process, they'll happen when
they're supposed to happen.Right? We'll have things will
things you'll you'll getprogression and you'll get
you'll get stripes, you'll getbelts, you'll get, a move,
you'll get a submission, you'llget, something in that mat
because the mat's never gonnalie. Yeah. It's never gonna lie.
If you're not ready for yourbelt, the next belt promotion,
(34:52):
it's not like you can lieyourself on the it's not like
you can lie about it. It'llit'll it'll all show itself.
It'll
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (34:58):
Work itself out the way professor says. Yeah. It'll
work itself out. And when wethink about relationships along
with the fact of our jujitsujourney, everything will work
itself out if it's supposed towork itself out.
Speaker 3 (35:12):
You know?
Speaker 4 (35:12):
Yep. And if it's not supposed to work itself out, it
won't. You can't force it. Ican't force a tap. No.
I can't force things. You know,I'm probably gonna get hurt
myself. Yeah. Yeah. You know?
Gonna get cracked in the jaw byMitch.
Speaker 5 (35:24):
Right? Or get your lip, I've seen that.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
Was that really a bruise on your lip?
Speaker 5 (35:30):
You know what? I I think, somebody kneed me in the
face. Wow.
Speaker 4 (35:35):
If you guys don't know, on Tyler's on Tyler's
social media, he has a videowhere he pulls his lip down and
sure as shit, you have a bruiseYeah. On your lip. Yeah. What a
weird place to get a bruise.It's like
Danny (35:48):
a tattoo.
Speaker 4 (35:48):
Yeah. Fuck the world. Yeah. Right? What a crazy thing.
Danny (35:54):
Yeah. I think, like,
Speaker 4 (35:56):
in in closing, just knowing if the relationship is
important. Right? If if therelationship is important,
you're gonna put work in it.Yes. If the journey is
important, you're gonna put workinto it.
Yeah. And forcing things foryour own gratification and your
own satisfaction is never goingto work out the way that you
(36:19):
expect
Speaker 3 (36:21):
it to work out. Now it may work out in a
Speaker 4 (36:21):
certain way.
Speaker 5 (36:22):
It's a recipe for sadness. It's a recipe for
sadness. Pleasure. Yeah. You canI mean, the more you force yeah?
The more you you are going to bedisappointed when it falls
apart.
Speaker 4 (36:32):
For sure. Because it's not happening. The
expectation bias is cloudingyour your your view. Absolutely.
That happened with me with mywife.
And and, you know, like I said,thankfully, my wife gave me
passes.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
We had a big, long conversation,
Speaker 4 (36:44):
and, and,
Speaker 3 (36:48):
you know, we same team
Speaker 4 (36:49):
same team. And, I was, like, so thankful that she
gave me a pass because I was inthe moment of, like Yeah. Yeah.
Screw this. I'm I'm digging myheels, and I'm gonna get what I
want.
I'm gonna get I'm gonna get whatI want. And at the end of the
day, like, I am getting what Iwant, and and it is just
happiness. You know? And my wifeis great to me. You know?
(37:12):
And I I had to go a couple daysof her not talking to me all the
way, and I hate that because
Speaker 5 (37:17):
And that that that that there there there's good
healthy conflict when you cancome to the table and and find
resolution. Right? Youcompetence is confidence has
grown through competence.
Speaker 4 (37:27):
I agree.
Speaker 5 (37:27):
And when you can competently repair after
conflict, like, good for you. Iagree. Good for you in that
relationship. It's just grown.Right?
It's like working out a muscle.You do those curls, you tear
that muscle Yeah. Yeah. And thatbig the muscle becomes bigger
because it's able to grow Iagree.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Grow together. So I think for the the way that I
grew up, I was so afraid ofconflict that I avoid it like
the plague, because conflictmeant, dis we would we would dis
everything
Danny (37:56):
went Disconnection.
Speaker 4 (37:57):
Disconnect. And and also, like, that was it. That
was the end of everything.
Speaker 5 (38:00):
It was done.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
It was done. The the relationships were over. You
know, if there was conflict inmy house, it meant that my dad
was leaving. Yeah. You know?
Speaker 5 (38:06):
I think Not
Speaker 4 (38:07):
that my mom was on her own.
Speaker 5 (38:08):
Yeah. Super, super important. You know, we've
talked about attachment styleperhaps a little bit, but even
conflict style. Right? Like, Ithink there are ways that I've
avoided conflicts too by justsaying yes to things.
Had a very similar experiencethis this last few days talking
to my mom about the you know, Ihadn't talked to my mom since
Nick's
Speaker 4 (38:29):
Oh, his memorial.
Speaker 5 (38:30):
His memorial. She had some she had some things about
how she was represented in thepodcast and how Uh-oh. I
represented the, you know, herand her sisters and, like,
obviously, I love her family.They like, her sisters, like,
they've they're, like, secondarymoms to me. Right?
So no disrespect. When I saythings like it felt more like or
(38:50):
it looked more like a, I thinkone of the things that popped
out to her is it looked morelike a a wedding than a funeral.
And I'm like, that was likely mebeing just snide and kind
Danny (39:00):
of snarky.
Speaker 4 (39:01):
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (39:02):
But yeah, you gotta go through those those those
conflict and understand thatconflict and how you handle
conflict. I agree. Yeah. I thinkkeep repeating it the same way.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
No. And talking to your people, having them
encourage you to do the rightthing. I'll you know, a couple
people at the academy knew thatI was fighting with Misty. And
they were like, k. Did you makeup with Misty yet?
And I'd be like, we're close.And they're like, probably
better make up with her becauseyou're a lot happier to be
around when when you make upwith her. You know? And, it was
(39:35):
it was cool. And I like I said,I I I'm so thankful for the
academy.
What it gives me. I'm thankfulfor the the place that I live
in.
Speaker 5 (39:46):
Awesome.
Speaker 4 (39:47):
So just so you know, we got here about an hour and
some change ago, and thetemperature has dropped a good
10 degrees.
Speaker 5 (39:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (39:58):
You know, just in the last little bit. I was like, oh,
I'm kinda getting a little cold.
Speaker 5 (40:01):
Oh, it's this is how I imagine heaven. It's the best,
dude. It's how I imagine heaven.It's just this daylight. It's
gorgeous.
I wanna
Speaker 4 (40:08):
go enjoy it. It. Same. Let's go enjoy it.
Speaker 5 (40:10):
But before we sign off,
Speaker 4 (40:11):
let's talk about some things. So we got, sponsorships.
We got Jitsi rings. Jitsi rings,is your progression in your
white your your jiu jitsujourney. It's our friends, Mike,
Dierston and Duff.
I don't actually know Duff'sfirst name. I don't remember it.
Mike and I talk about it all thetime. Well, I just call him
(40:32):
Duff. But, their progression,they're gonna give us a code.
You can go on to our socialmedia handles to get all of
these, codes. They'll be onthere. You get a percentage off.
Sometimes we get something ifyou buy something, we get
something in returns. Yeah.
Element. Element is aelectrolytes where you get salt.
(40:54):
It's a salty dog. It's called itjust puts salts in your body,
but you buy something and weget, whatever you buy, we get
one of those that you buy.
Speaker 5 (41:02):
Nice.
Speaker 4 (41:03):
And then a big thing go ahead, Tyler. Let's go ahead
and talk
Speaker 5 (41:06):
about biggest thing is, Mayhem on the mat. We have
inked a deal with Mayhem on themat to be official ambassadors,
Danny and I. And so you will seelinks on our social media, not
only for all of those things,but to buy Mayhem on the mat
merchandise. The the and and oneof the reasons we were stoked
about mayhem on the mat is thattheir mission aligned so well
(41:27):
with what we are trying to do.We have mayhem in our mind.
We have chaos in our lives. Andthose of us that practice
jujitsu, we work that out.That's where we work it out.
Speaker 4 (41:38):
I currently have a shirt on right now. I'll kind of
turn around. But this is a tshirt and you can see it on
there. It's got a cool designwith the snake. It's kind of
like my tattoo on my back.
So, it's cool. There's anothershirt that we have.
Speaker 5 (41:51):
I got the, this is the your stripes are earned,
blue, obviously, because I'm ablue belt. Nice. Little tiger
claws on the claws on it. Tonsof cool shirts.
Speaker 4 (42:03):
For sure.
Speaker 5 (42:03):
I've highlighted some of the cool things in our shop
on our Instagram page, the thethe podcast Instagram page. You
can check out with the discountcode scouts and get 15% off.
Nice. Hoodies, sweatshirts.
Speaker 4 (42:17):
Lots of stuff.
Speaker 5 (42:18):
Great stuff for the holidays. Not only you're
supporting a good cause, butyou're also supporting the
podcast, getting 15% off usingthat that code scouts.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
We're looking for sponsorships. We're looking for,
if you're looking to, do somesenior pictures, some, some
dance pictures, some familypictures, the bus is available.
We'll go set it up for you.We'll put up all the the cool,
things that we have inside, theguitars. We have all the stuff
that we can set up.
Highlight breathing, if you'relooking to learn how to breathe.
(42:51):
Tyler's coaching. If you'relooking just to get better, life
coaching, skills that you can doin your daily life that we just
implore you to try to practice.You don't have to change
overnight. It could just be justan hour, a minute of change, is
impactful.
Uncomfortable to talk about,but, we want you here. Yeah. I'd
(43:11):
rather bear the weight of yourtears
Speaker 3 (43:21):
than,
Speaker 5 (43:22):
bury the weight of your of your casket for sure.
Speaker 4 (43:24):
Yeah. For sure. So Appreciate it. Yeah. Appreciate
you.
Speaker 5 (43:28):
Okay. Till next time.
Speaker 4 (43:29):
See you guys. Everybody.
Alright. Welcome back. Last Boy Scouts podcast. We're
just struggling through sometechnical issues. Technical
issues are the funniest thing.
Danny (00:15):
Right? Oh, yeah. So, like, I hope we come off
correct, but, man, we came up tothe mountains and decided to
test out some new equipment, getjust, like, for our audience to
see what we see every day. And,I don't think it does it justice
unless you see it with youreyes. Right?
Tyler (00:33):
No. You're absolutely right. You need it in high
definition. For sure.
Danny (00:36):
You need it in,
Tyler (00:38):
did not yeah. Just need to take in the max to
Danny (00:40):
get all. Yeah. It's, it's beautiful. But technical
difficulties, like, are a realthing. Right?
I mean, we spent, like,thankfully, Tyler is the
technical guru because I'm justsitting around looking pretty
and, like, giving a little bitof, like, encouraging words,
like, you got this, Tyler. Youcan do it. Yeah. There's nothing
(01:01):
I can do. I'm just hanging out.
Tyler (01:03):
It's it's a bit frustrating. Right? And it's my
bad for not testing and settingup the equipment beforehand.
It's either gonna have a greatsuccess. That's my best score
at.
Danny (01:14):
Yeah.
Tyler (01:15):
Or it's gonna be a total another clock and or something
in between. And
Danny (01:19):
B sides. Yeah. We those again.
Tyler (01:22):
We'll get it. We'll get it. And, like, that's the thing.
Like, you did
Danny (01:25):
we're just
Tyler (01:25):
out here creating. Yep. We're out here doing the best we
can to create and and speak to ageneration of people that that
you can just and just share a
Danny (01:33):
message, man. And, and continue sharing what like you
said, continue sharing, the thepath and the the platform that
we that we're trying to createfor people. Because, so let's
let's talk about let's talklet's recap. Okay. Let's recap.
Those of you guys that are, longtime followers, long time
(01:54):
listeners, you know that we havethe belt test coming up, and,
the belt test happened Saturday.Yep. And what was your initial
thought?
Tyler (02:04):
I thought it was great. I thought it's great. I don't know
how freely I feel like I canspeak, because all of those guys
are my guys. They show up forme. We train.
Obviously, you know, we couldn'tsay it enough. We we we chatted
Preston pretty hard on the lastpodcast. He, of course, got his
black belt. It's just an amazingexperience.
Danny (02:26):
Yeah. Gosh, man. Like, the whole every single that was
one of the first tests whereevery single person looked like
they took it completelyseriously. Mhmm. Ivory, Mike, I
don't know if you need it, butprofessor surprised, Sean and
Crystal.
They had no idea they were in aperiod of life. They had no
(02:46):
idea. But he said, if you're apro well, you should at least
know the movies. You may notknow them perfectly, but you
should know the movie. And Ithought they took it seriously.
They did it back down. They werelike, okay. Cool. Yeah. We got
it.
Tyler (02:59):
Yeah. Both great additions to that Lehigh office,
and, you know, Sean's at leastcurrently going through, getting
getting his, you know, master'sdegree in therapy as well. Yeah.
Yeah. So we're we we have thatto kind of chat about.
Gosh. Man.
Danny (03:15):
So Preston and Dave, I spent the last 3 weeks with
them, and, they put in so muchtime and effort. It inspired me
because I've I've been, youknow, I I've been practicing the
black belt move for a long along time. I think that once you
realize that that it's a thatit's it's a possibility, you
(03:36):
start to put in that time andeffort. You came with me,
Friday. And even, like, just alittle bit of you were there for
a moment, but because you speaka tiny bit of you can see we're
able to catch on pretty quicklywith the boat.
Right? Yeah. And Dave and,Preston, they looked good. They
look great. Gosh.
They look so good. Yeah. It wasit was really inspiring for me,
(03:59):
of how, like, it's like, man,that's how it's supposed to
look.
Tyler (04:01):
Yeah. Clean. Yep. Crisp,
Danny (04:04):
on point, and, like, really, really, like, not
theatrical, like, theatrical,like, big explosions, but
theatrical.
Tyler (04:12):
Yeah. Yeah. There's a few moves too that are specifically,
like, the
Danny (04:16):
The throw in the
Tyler (04:17):
throw a haymaker. Haymaker where you throw them
across the Yeah.
Danny (04:21):
Yeah. It was, and and all the whites are blues. They look
great. We had 5 brown belts.It's such a long day.
Yeah. 2 and a half hours of, youknow, people going through the
roof. I was, Mitch's partner.Hunched in the face. Right and
cracked me.
Dude, dude. He cracked me.
Tyler (04:45):
He he was mortified. Oh, it was terrible.
Danny (04:48):
I thought he was gonna he was on the verge of tears
because he said the one thingthat I didn't want to have
happened, I manifested to havehappened. And he cracked me.
Remember my teeth clacked. And Iwas just like, oh my god. It
happened.
And I look over, and every blackbelt seems, and they're
(05:10):
laughing. Yeah. Mona and Nickare red faced because they're
laughing. I look over at youguys, and you guys were all
like, oh my gosh. That justhappened.
Everybody's laughing. I thought,of course. Yeah. Of course. You
know?
And and he was great. He he putin auto he looks really good.
Tyler (05:26):
He looks really good. For as nervous as he was. Yeah.
Danny (05:30):
60 years ago. What? Rate? Dude, I think. Yeah.
Not afraid. No. No. You know,has a good has a good, has a
really good, demeanor about him.I don't know if you can hear
what the
Tyler (05:44):
person said. The guy I the guy are you talking about
the guy I yell at him at?
Danny (05:49):
And he asked. Yeah. You know, he's he used to, Mitch. I
mean, I don't know how manytimes I've been on the phone
with Mitch. And he's like, IDanny, I just did something.
I shouldn't have done it on myphone. Tell me you didn't make
Mike mad. And he's like, yeah.And I'm probably not gonna be
around the gym for a couple ofmonths because he was really mad
at me this time, and I'mthinking, he's really mad at me
(06:10):
every time. You know?
But, but
Tyler (06:13):
What's he do? Like, I've never really seen, like, what is
it that he does? Because I'venever seen like, I've seen Mike
mad, but I've never seen his hishe I need to know so I don't do
it.
Danny (06:25):
Well and so what happens is is, like, you know, there's a
path for everybody. Right? Andand if you try to cut corners on
the path, then and, it's odd.Can you try to cut corners? But
if you actually ask to cut thecorners, then the professor has
to kind of, like Correct.
Correct. You know? You have tocorrect them. Mitch, he
(06:46):
definitely asks, to ways around,you know, like, no. You've gotta
stay in this path.
Anyway and then he asks again.And then what he'll do is, if he
doesn't get the answer he'slooking for, he'll go find the
answer by asking somebody else,
Tyler (07:01):
who
Danny (07:02):
doesn't know that they've already had this conversation.
Maybe they give him the wronganswer.
Tyler (07:06):
Okay. Okay. Okay. So yeah. Just kinda not respecting
the
Danny (07:10):
The hire. The hire. Yeah. Okay. And so, it's not that
Mitch does it on purpose, butit's just the fact that, like,
it happened.
Right? Like, it's like
Tyler (07:17):
a it's like a level of validation. I do. Yeah. Perfect.
Danny (07:23):
Yeah. And so, there were so many people there. It was it
was really cool. We did thebarbecue. It's a long day for
everybody, and I thought thateverybody showed up well.
Yeah. Everybody showed up tosupport. Yeah. I think they said
12 black dogs total on
Tyler (07:42):
the map. Yeah. Sounds about right. It was packed. It
was packed.
Yeah. There was there wasstanding room only. It was. And
so
Danny (07:52):
all the families being there and just celebrating,
especially the rest of themeals, celebrate camp was was
cool. And him and I, like, I wehave I'll share a couple of
pictures, but we have a hug. Wewe hugged, and I can just but
we're both so happy. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
You
Danny (08:09):
know? And I and I was super ecstatic for him, and, you
know, thinking about that wholethe next level, the next steps
in your journey, how you wantthings to be, and it's like that
that's how I am.
Tyler (08:21):
It's it's cool. It's interesting. I had an
interesting conversation with,with one of the guys, Pearson
Ather. After the ceremony, hewas like, I hate getting
strikes. And I here I am.
I got I just got a strike,obviously. And I know there's
some, like, record keeping, butthere's, like it's always
exciting
Danny (08:38):
when, you know, you put
Tyler (08:38):
in the work and you want the strike. You have to remind
yourself, okay. It was theycalled you up. I didn't get
another strike. They were justrecognizing that I got the
strike.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Sure.
Tyler (08:46):
And I thought, like, that was totally cool. It's great to
get that extra recognition.
Danny (08:50):
Yeah.
Tyler (08:50):
Not to say that I wasn't like, I didn't want it a little
bit. But, like, hey. It is whatit is. It's the the mat jujitsu
is where I go to work out someof my darkest my darkest things
and kinda bring me back intobalance. And so Pearson said
some interesting things.
He's like he's like, I know thatI'm getting closer to the end of
this journey. And I'm like andhe's like, not necessarily that
(09:11):
I will stop learning jujitsu,but, like, you
Danny (09:13):
get to that black belt and you're
Tyler (09:15):
you think your progress is slow now. Imagine being a
black belt, your progress just,like, it's, like, it it's not
that it's, like, you're alreadyspeaking that language, so it's
just it's almost like it kindacomes to an end in a sense.
That,
Danny (09:28):
like, that that
Tyler (09:30):
you know what I mean?
Danny (09:31):
The progression forward. Yeah. And the and, like, around
your around your waist, you seethe progression forward. Yeah.
And so that's where, like, a lotof times, I think, like,
especially if you race to theblack belt, then what?
My race is not and I tell peoplethis all the time. It's like, my
race is to be Mitch's age Yeah.Still being on the mat and
(09:52):
still, like, competing
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Yeah.
Danny (09:54):
Well with my guys and hanging out with my guys and my
friends. Because like you said,we go there to work out some of
our darkest times and some ofour happiest times, some of our
brightest times come from, fromthe clarity, from the media
because we are fighters. You andI are both fighters. We fought
We fight, for our childhood. Wefight for our inner child.
(10:16):
We fight for the the things thatwe feel maybe that we were
wronged in, but we are fighters.Yeah. We have to fight. If we
don't fight, then we feel kindof stagnant. We feel kind of
stuck there.
Yeah. Right? And so, it itreally is a kind of, like, how
do you approach the next, thenext level of that thing
(10:39):
because, you know, Mike, Pedro,or or, you know, Pedro, Jeff
Curran, all those guys are, man,a 10, 15 plus 20 plus years as a
blackjack.
Tyler (10:53):
Yeah. Well, who was it? Strum Strum? Oh, yeah. Mauricio.
Mauricio Strum. Strumowski.Strumowski. He got his black
belt in 1980, right, a yearbefore I was born. He'd been a
he's been a black belt my wholelife.
Whole life. My whole life, hehas been a black belt. And, I
mean, like, we could, like,understanding of the sport and
(11:14):
how to how to play the gamewhere I'm just developing it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm I'mI'm partly speaking at Yeah.
Danny (11:20):
A few steps back Yeah. One step forward type situation.
Yeah. During the day, you know,the because our podcast came out
Friday, a lot of people werecoming up to us and talking to
us. And I kept getting textmessages about, like especially
from Preston and his family, youknow, like, thank you so much
for saying the kind words.
Thank you. Thank you for whatyou said. Yeah. For I thought
(11:41):
last podcast, we really hit somesome some bangers, some some
bangers. Yeah.
We hit some we hit some ballsout of the fence. So, like, how
you should approach, like,perfect progression and
regression. Right? Yeah. And Idon't think that you we can see
progression so much.
Yeah. You can see it so much,but you don't give yourself,
(12:02):
like, accolades for the factthat you made it through a
regression.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Right.
Danny (12:06):
Like a back like a backslide. Oh, yeah. You know,
you you oh, man, I'm doing sogood. All of a sudden, you're
like, shit. I'm I'm in the samespot I was a year ago.
Yeah. And you're like, that'snot true. You definitely are in
the back to the same place. Youryour your leather's a little
tougher. Yep.
You know, your your ability towithstand, the fight is a little
(12:27):
bit tougher. Yep. You know,you're able to stay in the round
a little bit longer. Yeah. Andso we don't give ourselves
credit for, for the journey.
I mean, journey's so long.
Tyler (12:38):
Yeah. I mean, it's your whole life. Right? It's however
many days you get to wake up andsay, hooray. The sun came up
again today.
Right? Like and you're you'reabsolutely right. Like, we're
developing our game, and ourgame is always always I mean,
even as a, you know, a seasonedblack belt, your game will
change. You always learn moreinformation. And the same is
(13:00):
true about life.
Right? The the way we approachthings, our capacity for
understanding, our capacity fortolerance, our capacity to just
take another breath whensomebody's triggering us is is
constantly growing. Right? It'syou're you're you're as long as
you are aware of that progressand that it's happening, and
it's it's when you deny. It'swhen you say, nope.
(13:21):
I'm perfect. I'm done. I don'tneed to hear you. Like, it's
when you start fighting againstthat. That's when that's when
you truly get stagnation.
That's when you truly hit. Youknow
Danny (13:32):
When you stop growing and stop learning. I think, like, as
long as you always keep yourselfin a learning capacity, and
especially in life, learning,being a better man, being a
better person, always learningto, like, striving. Striving.
Striving every day. Like, whatcan I do better?
Like like us sitting here for 20minutes trying to figure out how
(13:53):
to make this equipment work, andthe fact of the matter is, like,
we're we're gonna persevere.Yeah. Right? We're going to be
stronger. We're gonna know theway it's been.
Right? Yeah. And, we we
Tyler (14:04):
may only have a a standard definition version on
YouTube this week. But, like,yeah. It it I mean, it is what
it is. What's important is ourmessage. What is important is
telling the story.
What's important is is, in thiscase, like, just the the the
building of the habit. Right?Yeah. You'll continuing on with
that. Yeah.
Danny (14:23):
I think, you know, after after everything was said and
done on Saturday, you know,there was so much like kind of
like Kind of let down. Right?Yeah. You're you're I was tired,
mentally drained. I was I hadyou know, my wife and I, we we
weren't quite we weren't quitedriving on a couple of
Tyler (14:45):
things, and, like, I was I was kind of
Danny (14:47):
in the moment. I was for sure in the moment. I was, like,
trying to be there a couple oftimes, and then I I I feel
myself, like, man, I need tocheck on this thing too. Like,
see how things are going. I havethis expectation.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
So I have these expectations of of how I expect
them to go. You know? And,sometimes I get into this
expectation bias of, like, thisis the way that I want my path
to go and this is how I expectthem to go. And if they don't go
that way, then I get, like,really, cloudy, clouded judgment
(15:20):
and sometimes, like, closed offespecially with my wife. And
that's kinda where I was at.
You know, we we didn't quite weweren't quite on the same page
with some things that I wantedto do. Mhmm. And so I was like,
you know, I'll just, like, avoidthe conversation, avoid the
conversation, avoid theconversation, and just keep
(15:40):
doing my thing and not worryabout, like I mean, of course,
my wife is gonna do it Yeah.What I like to do. I mean,
she's, like, so good to me.
Mhmm. She's so supportive ofeverything that I do. But a lot
of times, like, I'll just keepgoing on my path of how I want
things to go, and I won't takeinto consideration or I'll
(16:00):
notice way too late that she isnot on the same page. You know?
And that's kinda what happenedover the weekend, and it was
kind of unfortunate because Igot a little emotional when I re
when I actually realized, oh,shit.
I'm not taking intoconsideration her, feelings or
(16:21):
her needs or her wants because Ihad put what I wanted ahead of
that. You know? Not that I can'tor I shouldn't, but it was in
the wrong form. You know? Andand so I got, really upset with
myself, and I really got, like,kind of frustrated that I had
(16:42):
missed, some of her signs, someof the signs that she was, not
onboard with some things, youknow, and and and I think that
happens as with couples, youknow, like, we've been married
for so long that sometimes I'mlike, I'm just going to do this.
Yeah. You know? And I and I losetrack of the fact that, she may
(17:03):
not be along on the ridewillingly.
Speaker 5 (17:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:06):
She's gonna be there for me, you know, and she'll get
through whatever we decide, youknow, but it may not be we may
not be, cohesive at that point.And so, luckily, she gives me
passes, you know, and she kinda,gave me a little bit of a pass,
but it it definitely opened upmy eyes of some some habits that
(17:28):
I have of not fully having herengaged in what we're doing.
Danny (17:37):
You know?
Speaker 4 (17:37):
And I I think I as a man, that's kinda happens. You
know, you get I get focused.
Speaker 5 (17:42):
Yeah. I mean, I think there's the the the essence of a
man is that we're to drive toour purpose. Sure. And that,
like, we can get super focusedon those people around us are
there just
Tyler (17:52):
to support our purpose. Sure.
Speaker 5 (17:54):
But, really, we have to make sure that there's
resonance, that there'scohesion. Right? Like, I think
one of my biggest my biggestcomplaints about my past
relationship was that we werenever really on the same team.
Right. Right?
And what does it mean to be
Tyler (18:11):
on a team? Right. Right?
Speaker 5 (18:12):
It means you're working together to accomplish a
a similar purpose or goal. Yeah.Yeah. And and you so you do. You
need buy in from thestakeholders.
Right? For sure.
Tyler (18:21):
You as a
Speaker 5 (18:21):
couple, your partner as a couple, your children.
Right? If your if your childrenare young and in the house, they
they have to kinda buy in. Imean,
Speaker 4 (18:29):
it's And and I think, like, that's kind of where, you
know, if you don't notice itright away, a wedge can happen.
You know, your wife may be like,yeah, or your partner or your
your people, your team may belike, oh, okay. Cool. Yeah.
You're gonna do this.
K. I'm supportive. And then allof a sudden, it's like, okay.
Now all we're doing is what youwanna do? Okay.
(18:50):
Cool. Yep. And then all of asudden, a wedge happens, and now
maybe there's a division. And ifyou're so focused, so hyper
focused, which I can get hyperfocused, you may miss signs of
the wedge. Right?
And a wedge has a purpose. Yeah.A wedge has a purpose to make
that division wider and widerand wider and how you know, if
(19:12):
you're not careful, like, thatdivision can get pretty wide.
And I wonder if that happens,with relationships sometimes.
You know, you just got the wedgein there so so far, and there's
no coming back, no commonground, no collecting yourself
and going, hey, same team.
I seen the funniest thing, andit was the it was like a reel.
(19:34):
And it said, it was a guy andhis wife, and he said before
every vacation, they look ateach other and the husband goes,
same team.
Speaker 5 (19:44):
Right?
Speaker 4 (19:44):
Same team. Same team. Right? And I thought, that is
amazing because it means shit'sabout to get a little hairy.
Speaker 5 (19:51):
Right.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
We're stress is about to happen, but guess what? You
and I are on the same team. Andthey were and it and I thought
to myself, that is so cool. SoI'd I'd talked to Misty about
that. And, the first day she Icould tell she was like, yeah,
whatever.
And, that to me was where I waslike, okay. There's some,
discrepancies in what we'reagreeing on. Right? Right. But
(20:15):
we had a conversation yesterdayand she said to me, because I
was kinda getting a littleirritated, she's like, same
team, same team.
And I was like,
Danny (20:21):
oh, okay. Okay. I got it.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
I got you. Same team. Because I think if you have a
common goal, we're on the sameteam.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. I think it's I mean,
how often do you sit down withyour partner and and define
those common goals and and talkabout those common goals? I
think that's something I wish Iwould have done more, and
definitely as I go on my ownjourney and, like, I journal a
lot about what did I do wrong,what did I do right.
Right? I deconstruct and andstrip away a lot of the things
(20:50):
that I thought I had done wrongthat I didn't really do wrong,
perhaps weren't necessarilywrong, but, like, you know, were
projections from another person.Right? And it it relationships
only work as long
Tyler (21:01):
as both parties are willing to do.
Danny (21:03):
With you.
Speaker 5 (21:03):
You cannot teach somebody who is unwilling to be
taught. I agree. And I thinkthat was one of my big faults is
that I always I I was alwayswilling to, you know, be
teachable at at points. There'stimes I wasn't willing to be
teachable. Sure.
Right? Like, we get in we getinto our our habits, but, like,
there were times too when I wasteaching when I could tell that
(21:26):
that that the partner that I waswith did not did not necessarily
wanna be taught.
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Sure. Yeah. And they get, you can tell right away
when somebody's kinda like Haveyou yeah. Okay. I'm good.
Speaker 5 (21:36):
Yeah. Have you ever well, I saw hopefully, you can
tell. Like, if you're if you'repaying attention to the signs,
the the nonverbals. Yeah. Yeah.
The nonverbals. You gotta yougotta read the body language.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
Speaker 5 (21:47):
Read the silence. Read the room. Yeah. Definitely.
Speaker 4 (21:51):
So as you, realize when the body language is bad,
the everything is, like, notfeeling cohesive. Right? Did you
have ways to bring things back,or did you would you get mad at
that moment because the personwasn't on your team? Because
(22:11):
I'll tell you what I do.
Speaker 5 (22:12):
Yeah. I mean, I think sitting back and and looking at
it now, right, like, in the spotI'm in now, I don't feel I don't
feel like that that that thatparticular partner was ever
really on my team.
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Like, looking like, being able to step back and say,
okay. We've, you you know, I Ithink the mark of a true
relationship is being able tohave hard conversations and
reconcile through them. And itdoesn't matter how big that
chasm is. That chasm can shrinkover time.
Tyler (22:45):
You know, we gave it
Speaker 5 (22:45):
in a 19 year run, and so there was definitely some
times where we were able to comeback and repair. But was that
true repair? I think each of uslacked the tools to really
create true repair in ourrelationship. And it wasn't
until after therapy that Istarted to develop the tools,
therapy and self reflection. Andand and it's not to say that
(23:07):
neither of us were doing thework.
I think we were both doing thework, but there was no there was
no true desire for each of us toto to reunite.
Speaker 4 (23:18):
Right.
Speaker 5 (23:19):
It was there was one of us that did and one of us
that
Speaker 3 (23:21):
that did.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
I understand.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (23:22):
And so yeah. I I think that there were some
times, but I don't know that itwas true, like, that we were
doing the right things. Right?
Speaker 4 (23:30):
When you when you when you feel like that you're
on the same team, do you noticeyourself being more sensitive
towards, the other person? Like,okay. Like, I'm gonna give you a
pass because, like, maybe maybewhat I'm saying or what I'm
doing is coming off the wrongway. Because what I what happens
for me is, like, I'll get mad atfirst. What probably because,
(23:50):
like, I'm being, like,egotistical
Danny (23:52):
Right. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (23:52):
Selfish in my thoughts, selfish in what I'm
doing. And then I'm like, okay.You don't wanna be on my team?
Cool. Then I'm gonna be pissedfor a moment.
Danny (23:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:00):
Then I, like, get like, dang it, Danny. Don't be
that kind of a dick. You know?
Tyler (24:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
And then I'll be like, alright. Maybe we can find
common ground. Right? And then Ican still get the outcome that I
would like, or maybe I need toscrap that outcome and find a
different way.
Speaker 5 (24:19):
I would say I'm a I'm I'm a 100% the same way. Right?
Like, I am on the agreeabilityscale, like, I'm very agreeable.
And so but I also have, youknow, that the same big five
personality traits I did have. Idid rank pretty high on kinda
like the narcissisticegotistical side too.
Right? Yeah. But I mean, part ofthat is understanding my past
(24:40):
and not having resonance withit. I'd be interested to see if
I took that test again where I'drank. But I do feel that, like,
I am very empathic.
Could I always admit that I waswrong? No. That takes a lot of a
lot of, ego death, I think, toto get there, especially when,
(25:00):
you just feel this this desireto be validated. I think
everybody desires to bevalidated.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
For a long time, you know, the idea was that I didn't
know how to apologize.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Mhmm.
Speaker 4 (25:12):
Right? I'd say, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
Yeah. Right?
Speaker 4 (25:16):
And then in my mind, like, I said I'm sorry or I'm
sorry that you didn't understandwhat I was saying.
Tyler (25:22):
Right.
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Right? And, like, it sounds in my head like an
apology. Yeah. Right? And theoutcome was still the same.
It'd be like, okay. Why are youstill upset? I just apologized
to you. Yeah. I'm sorry that Igot so drunk and acted like a
jerk.
You know that's how I act likedrunk. Right. Like, I'm sorry
you felt that way. And it'slike, wait a minute. Once, once
I really started to practice,like, actually being apologetic
(25:46):
and being sorry, it diddefinitely drop some of the,
guard in the people that, youknow, that I was around or that
I was trying to apologize to.
I still work hard onapologizing. I'm not the best. I
know I'm not the best. I knowthat potentially if, you know,
Misty and I, if we have a fight,neither of us are, like, going
(26:10):
to go to the table with anapology right away. You know?
So we could go days withoutreally, like, talking to each
other. And I'll just be like,okay. We'll just I love you. You
love me. We'll get up tomorrow,and hopefully, it's better.
Yeah. If it's not, okay. I loveyou. You love me. Hopefully,
tomorrow, it's better.
Speaker 5 (26:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (26:28):
Until, you know, one of us, you know, sometimes,
like, man, my wife is she'sgreat. Because sometimes, like,
her guard will break downquicker than mine just because
I'm a little bit more stubbornand a little bit more, like,
willing to, like,
Danny (26:40):
bear down.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
You know? And then, you know, an apology will
happen. And, man, like, theafter you apologize, like, and
things mellow out, it's such arelief, but also, like, such an
emotional, like, drain. Almostfeel like I'm virtually drained.
Speaker 5 (26:58):
I mean, that's the thing about cognitive load.
Right? Like, we we we don'treally account for this massive
grapefruit sized device andinside our skull Yeah. And its
ability to devour calories whenwhen trying to solve problems
like that. So Yeah.
I I agree. I'm I'm similar in alot of ways. I think my mom
always told me that I don't wantyour apology. I want you to
(27:21):
change. And I think that thereis some some truth to an apology
without changed behavior.
Speaker 4 (27:26):
Sure.
Speaker 5 (27:27):
Is is it really an apology? Really an apology.
Yeah. You know, I know I knowplenty of people who would just
never apologize. I know thatthere are people that that I
feel like probably owe me anapology that I've just had to
let it go because I know thatthat person is never going to
apologize.
And what I've come to therealization is actually and
(27:49):
that's just more about who theyare than than me.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Yeah. For sure.
Speaker 5 (27:53):
You know? Some people just some people just can't.
They can't they can't let theirego be that vulnerable.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
Yeah. It's so funny you say that because I'm such a
sensitive guy too. Like, if youdon't apologize to me, then I
get, like I'm super sensitiveabout it too also. Like, I get
attached to that feeling of,like, wait a minute, man. You're
you you did me wrong.
Speaker 3 (28:17):
Why are you not apologizing? And then I'm, like,
super sensitive instead of,
Speaker 4 (28:17):
like, okay. Giving that person a then I'm, like,
super sensitive instead of,like, okay, giving that person a
Speaker 3 (28:21):
pass or, like, understanding that I
Speaker 4 (28:21):
gave him a pass, you know, or, it's such a funny
thing when you grow up, youknow, with a single mom because
whether you like it or not,sometimes you
Speaker 5 (28:30):
a single mom because whether you like it or
Speaker 4 (28:31):
not, sometimes you have, you know, some of those,
feminine what what people wouldconsider, like, feminine
feelings. Like, sometimes Ican't just let things go. You
know? Sometimes I can't just letthem go. Sometimes I wanna
ruminate, and I wanna, like,talk about them, and I wanna,
like, be in the, like, dig anddig and dig and dig instead of,
(28:52):
like, just be like, okay.
Cool. Like, let's move on. Youknow? And other times, I can be
like, okay. Like, we're good.
You know, I understand.
Speaker 5 (28:59):
You know, I had an I had an experience with my
sister-in-law where we were at afamily event, and it it really
just kind of highlights, like,how some people operate. And, I
mean, at this point, I'dprobably been in the family
(29:19):
about 8 years, and we were atthis this family event. We're
all staying in the same house.We'd traveled in Colorado up to
Steamboat. And, my mother-in-lawand my my sister-in-law were
sitting at the table just kindabad mouthing one of the other in
(29:40):
laws at the time.
Okay. And it wasn't the firsttime I heard it and and
certainly not the last time Iheard it, but, like, I actually
had to, like, stop him and I'mlike, dude, this is not fair.
This person isn't here to defendthemselves. Like, I don't really
appreciate it. Can, you know,can you change the subject?
And my sister-in-law turnedaround on me and was like,
(30:04):
you're not even part of thefamily. Don't get involved.
Speaker 4 (30:09):
Really?
Speaker 5 (30:09):
And I was just like, cool. I'm ready to go. I'll pack
my shit up and and we we canleave.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (30:18):
And, you know, like, every, like, my my mother-in-law
was like, I'm sorry. Like, butto this day, I never got an
apology from from mysister-in-law. And I don't I
don't I don't expect 1. Right?And and and what I do expect is
that, like, chances are if shewas doing that to one in law,
(30:42):
she's doing that to them.
Oh, sure. And so in a way, I'mkinda like, I'm not that sad.
Yeah. I'm not that sad.
Speaker 4 (30:51):
It's crazy how that is. It's because, like, people
are people are who they are allthe time. Right? You can only
put on a facade for so long.Right?
People are who they are forYeah. How they are. Right? And I
think that expectation bias iswhere we get ourself into
trouble. Like, I expect peopleto be a certain way.
(31:11):
I expect things to happen acertain way. And all of a
sudden, I could be in thismoment of, like, wow. That
didn't go anywhere near the waythat I thought it was gonna go.
And my expectation was for youto treat me the way that I treat
you. Yeah.
Right? And for you to be how Iam. And that bias gets us into
(31:32):
trouble because people are gonnabe who they are no matter what.
I also think that, apologiesjust don't come naturally Yeah.
To some people.
Tyler (31:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:45):
They just don't come naturally to some people. Like,
you have to work really hard onbeing apologetic or, like, the
way to say you're sorry and notmake not make it framed as if,
like, it's your fault that Iupset you, so I'm sorry about
that. Yeah. You know, like Yeah.I think, you know, we want to
get to a point as men, you know,and the men that I work with to
(32:06):
be, like, to own what you'vedone, to understand that you're
responsible for your own self,and to not have expectations to
of people to be how you are.
Speaker 5 (32:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:17):
Right? Yeah. And and while that is the hardest thing
that you'll ever do becauseyou'll have an expectation of
people to to this is what I'mthis is what I would do in that
situation. You'll say that.You'll frame it like that.
And then when they do itcompletely opposite, it's like,
Danny (32:33):
wow. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:34):
You couldn't be more opposite, and then you get
pissed. But it's because you putthis expectation on that person
to be a certain way that they'rejust not capable of.
Speaker 5 (32:43):
Yeah. Right? So in that situation, should I was I
putting the expectation on,like, my sister-in-law to
apologize?
Speaker 4 (32:49):
Like Maybe. Maybe. But I think, like, walking into
a situation sorry. Walking intoa situation where, you know,
puts you on the defense rightaway. Right?
Yeah. And then knowing that it'sprobably happening to you Yeah.
Makes you frustrated already.Yeah. I think in the moment, you
probably were like, okay.
What do you say about me?
Speaker 5 (33:11):
I think too yeah. Yes. You're absolutely right.
What do you say about me? Butand and but at the same time,
like, if I had not saidsomething, right, like, that's
no different than watching somekid get bullied Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:23):
For sure.
Speaker 5 (33:24):
And not doing anything. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
No. I agree. Now now that is a good way of looking at
it too because, like, you havean expectation of yourself.
Right. And a responsibility toto do things for yourself and
how you expect yourself torespond.
Right. Right? And I do agreewith that. I think, man, you see
something wrong, you saysomething. Whatever happens,
(33:45):
don't have any expectations fromthose people.
Right? That is not easy. That'ssomething that I've had to work
my I work to this day still tonot have expectations of people
to respond the way that I wouldrespond. Or Yeah. Because, like,
at the end of the day, maybe Iwouldn't respond that way in
that situation.
Speaker 5 (34:03):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (34:04):
Maybe my feelings would be like, man, fuck you.
Like, I don't care what you say.You know? And Yeah. And maybe
that is, is almost like bullshitfor me to think that I would
respond in a certain way.
You know? Because I don't knowwhat I don't know exactly how
I'll always respond. But it'sit's also one of those things
(34:24):
where, like, if we were toevolve it back to jujitsu, we
have expectations sometimes thatjust don't happen. Right?
Tyler (34:30):
Right.
Speaker 4 (34:31):
And if we trust the process, they'll happen when
they're supposed to happen.Right? We'll have things will
things you'll you'll getprogression and you'll get
you'll get stripes, you'll getbelts, you'll get, a move,
you'll get a submission, you'llget, something in that mat
because the mat's never gonnalie. Yeah. It's never gonna lie.
If you're not ready for yourbelt, the next belt promotion,
(34:52):
it's not like you can lieyourself on the it's not like
you can lie about it. It'llit'll it'll all show itself.
It'll
Speaker 3 (34:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (34:58):
Work itself out the way professor says. Yeah. It'll
work itself out. And when wethink about relationships along
with the fact of our jujitsujourney, everything will work
itself out if it's supposed towork itself out.
Speaker 3 (35:12):
You know?
Speaker 4 (35:12):
Yep. And if it's not supposed to work itself out, it
won't. You can't force it. Ican't force a tap. No.
I can't force things. You know,I'm probably gonna get hurt
myself. Yeah. Yeah. You know?
Gonna get cracked in the jaw byMitch.
Speaker 5 (35:24):
Right? Or get your lip, I've seen that.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
Was that really a bruise on your lip?
Speaker 5 (35:30):
You know what? I I think, somebody kneed me in the
face. Wow.
Speaker 4 (35:35):
If you guys don't know, on Tyler's on Tyler's
social media, he has a videowhere he pulls his lip down and
sure as shit, you have a bruiseYeah. On your lip. Yeah. What a
weird place to get a bruise.It's like
Danny (35:48):
a tattoo.
Speaker 4 (35:48):
Yeah. Fuck the world. Yeah. Right? What a crazy thing.
Danny (35:54):
Yeah. I think, like,
Speaker 4 (35:56):
in in closing, just knowing if the relationship is
important. Right? If if therelationship is important,
you're gonna put work in it.Yes. If the journey is
important, you're gonna put workinto it.
Yeah. And forcing things foryour own gratification and your
own satisfaction is never goingto work out the way that you
(36:19):
expect
Speaker 3 (36:21):
it to work out. Now it may work out in a
Speaker 4 (36:21):
certain way.
Speaker 5 (36:22):
It's a recipe for sadness. It's a recipe for
sadness. Pleasure. Yeah. You canI mean, the more you force yeah?
The more you you are going to bedisappointed when it falls
apart.
Speaker 4 (36:32):
For sure. Because it's not happening. The
expectation bias is cloudingyour your your view. Absolutely.
That happened with me with mywife.
And and, you know, like I said,thankfully, my wife gave me
passes.
Speaker 3 (36:44):
We had a big, long conversation,
Speaker 4 (36:44):
and, and,
Speaker 3 (36:48):
you know, we same team
Speaker 4 (36:49):
same team. And, I was, like, so thankful that she
gave me a pass because I was inthe moment of, like Yeah. Yeah.
Screw this. I'm I'm digging myheels, and I'm gonna get what I
want.
I'm gonna get I'm gonna get whatI want. And at the end of the
day, like, I am getting what Iwant, and and it is just
happiness. You know? And my wifeis great to me. You know?
(37:12):
And I I had to go a couple daysof her not talking to me all the
way, and I hate that because
Speaker 5 (37:17):
And that that that that there there there's good
healthy conflict when you cancome to the table and and find
resolution. Right? Youcompetence is confidence has
grown through competence.
Speaker 4 (37:27):
I agree.
Speaker 5 (37:27):
And when you can competently repair after
conflict, like, good for you. Iagree. Good for you in that
relationship. It's just grown.Right?
It's like working out a muscle.You do those curls, you tear
that muscle Yeah. Yeah. And thatbig the muscle becomes bigger
because it's able to grow Iagree.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Grow together. So I think for the the way that I
grew up, I was so afraid ofconflict that I avoid it like
the plague, because conflictmeant, dis we would we would dis
everything
Danny (37:56):
went Disconnection.
Speaker 4 (37:57):
Disconnect. And and also, like, that was it. That
was the end of everything.
Speaker 5 (38:00):
It was done.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
It was done. The the relationships were over. You
know, if there was conflict inmy house, it meant that my dad
was leaving. Yeah. You know?
Speaker 5 (38:06):
I think Not
Speaker 4 (38:07):
that my mom was on her own.
Speaker 5 (38:08):
Yeah. Super, super important. You know, we've
talked about attachment styleperhaps a little bit, but even
conflict style. Right? Like, Ithink there are ways that I've
avoided conflicts too by justsaying yes to things.
Had a very similar experiencethis this last few days talking
to my mom about the you know, Ihadn't talked to my mom since
Nick's
Speaker 4 (38:29):
Oh, his memorial.
Speaker 5 (38:30):
His memorial. She had some she had some things about
how she was represented in thepodcast and how Uh-oh. I
represented the, you know, herand her sisters and, like,
obviously, I love her family.They like, her sisters, like,
they've they're, like, secondarymoms to me. Right?
So no disrespect. When I saythings like it felt more like or
(38:50):
it looked more like a, I thinkone of the things that popped
out to her is it looked morelike a a wedding than a funeral.
And I'm like, that was likely mebeing just snide and kind
Danny (39:00):
of snarky.
Speaker 4 (39:01):
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5 (39:02):
But yeah, you gotta go through those those those
conflict and understand thatconflict and how you handle
conflict. I agree. Yeah. I thinkkeep repeating it the same way.
Speaker 4 (39:12):
No. And talking to your people, having them
encourage you to do the rightthing. I'll you know, a couple
people at the academy knew thatI was fighting with Misty. And
they were like, k. Did you makeup with Misty yet?
And I'd be like, we're close.And they're like, probably
better make up with her becauseyou're a lot happier to be
around when when you make upwith her. You know? And, it was
(39:35):
it was cool. And I like I said,I I I'm so thankful for the
academy.
What it gives me. I'm thankfulfor the the place that I live
in.
Speaker 5 (39:46):
Awesome.
Speaker 4 (39:47):
So just so you know, we got here about an hour and
some change ago, and thetemperature has dropped a good
10 degrees.
Speaker 5 (39:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (39:58):
You know, just in the last little bit. I was like, oh,
I'm kinda getting a little cold.
Speaker 5 (40:01):
Oh, it's this is how I imagine heaven. It's the best,
dude. It's how I imagine heaven.It's just this daylight. It's
gorgeous.
I wanna
Speaker 4 (40:08):
go enjoy it. It. Same. Let's go enjoy it.
Speaker 5 (40:10):
But before we sign off,
Speaker 4 (40:11):
let's talk about some things. So we got, sponsorships.
We got Jitsi rings. Jitsi rings,is your progression in your
white your your jiu jitsujourney. It's our friends, Mike,
Dierston and Duff.
I don't actually know Duff'sfirst name. I don't remember it.
Mike and I talk about it all thetime. Well, I just call him
(40:32):
Duff. But, their progression,they're gonna give us a code.
You can go on to our socialmedia handles to get all of
these, codes. They'll be onthere. You get a percentage off.
Sometimes we get something ifyou buy something, we get
something in returns. Yeah.
Element. Element is aelectrolytes where you get salt.
(40:54):
It's a salty dog. It's called itjust puts salts in your body,
but you buy something and weget, whatever you buy, we get
one of those that you buy.
Speaker 5 (41:02):
Nice.
Speaker 4 (41:03):
And then a big thing go ahead, Tyler. Let's go ahead
and talk
Speaker 5 (41:06):
about biggest thing is, Mayhem on the mat. We have
inked a deal with Mayhem on themat to be official ambassadors,
Danny and I. And so you will seelinks on our social media, not
only for all of those things,but to buy Mayhem on the mat
merchandise. The the and and oneof the reasons we were stoked
about mayhem on the mat is thattheir mission aligned so well
(41:27):
with what we are trying to do.We have mayhem in our mind.
We have chaos in our lives. Andthose of us that practice
jujitsu, we work that out.That's where we work it out.
Speaker 4 (41:38):
I currently have a shirt on right now. I'll kind of
turn around. But this is a tshirt and you can see it on
there. It's got a cool designwith the snake. It's kind of
like my tattoo on my back.
So, it's cool. There's anothershirt that we have.
Speaker 5 (41:51):
I got the, this is the your stripes are earned,
blue, obviously, because I'm ablue belt. Nice. Little tiger
claws on the claws on it. Tonsof cool shirts.
Speaker 4 (42:03):
For sure.
Speaker 5 (42:03):
I've highlighted some of the cool things in our shop
on our Instagram page, the thethe podcast Instagram page. You
can check out with the discountcode scouts and get 15% off.
Nice. Hoodies, sweatshirts.
Speaker 4 (42:17):
Lots of stuff.
Speaker 5 (42:18):
Great stuff for the holidays. Not only you're
supporting a good cause, butyou're also supporting the
podcast, getting 15% off usingthat that code scouts.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
We're looking for sponsorships. We're looking for,
if you're looking to, do somesenior pictures, some, some
dance pictures, some familypictures, the bus is available.
We'll go set it up for you.We'll put up all the the cool,
things that we have inside, theguitars. We have all the stuff
that we can set up.
Highlight breathing, if you'relooking to learn how to breathe.
(42:51):
Tyler's coaching. If you'relooking just to get better, life
coaching, skills that you can doin your daily life that we just
implore you to try to practice.You don't have to change
overnight. It could just be justan hour, a minute of change, is
impactful.
Uncomfortable to talk about,but, we want you here. Yeah. I'd
(43:11):
rather bear the weight of yourtears
Speaker 3 (43:21):
than,
Speaker 5 (43:22):
bury the weight of your of your casket for sure.
Speaker 4 (43:24):
Yeah. For sure. So Appreciate it. Yeah. Appreciate
you.
Speaker 5 (43:28):
Okay. Till next time.
Speaker 4 (43:29):
See you guys. Everybody.
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