September 26, 2024 • 38 mins
Ever wondered what your spirit animal says about you? In this episode of Love Across the Pond, we start with a whimsical journey into our own spirit animals—a dragon, a narwhal, and a bird—offering a fun peek into our personalities and life stories. From there, we dive into the heart of the matter: the pitfalls and perks of comparison in relationships. You'll hear personal tales of navigating monogamous breakups and the nuances of non-monogamy, shedding light on how comparison can either clarify emotions or limit our perspectives. Whether you're in a romantic relationship or nurturing friendships, we explore how understanding the 'why' behind our comparisons can help us cherish the unique traits each person brings into our lives.
But that's not all. We also tackle the broader landscape of relationship dynamics, from the trials of balancing multiple partners in polyamory to the red flags in monogamy that can't be ignored. Ever felt inadequate next to a successful sibling or wondered how to grow from comparing yourself to others? You’ll find wisdom here inspired by Matthew McConaughey’s Oscar speech and stories of personal growth. We discuss different types of intimacy, the hard work behind maintaining relationships, and how self-comparison can be a powerful tool for growth. This episode is packed with insights to help transform your approach to both personal development and relationships, making it a must-listen for anyone seeking to better understand themselves and others.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Love Across the Pond podcast.
This is episode seven.
We are very excited to be herewith you today.
My name is Ali Hendry mypronouns are she, her and I live
in Brighton, on the south coastof England, in the UK.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hey all I'm Lena.
I'm in the southern US, inTennessee, and I use pronouns
she, they.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
US and Tennessee, and I use pronouns she, they.
Hello everyone, I'm KenzieWilcox, my pronouns are she and
her, and I'm right, smack dab inthe middle of the country in
good old Minnesota.
Well, welcome back everyone.
We're so excited to be here, soexcited to be in each other's
presence and energy and itsounds like I'm just going to
start us off with a question andenergy, and it sounds like I'm
(00:49):
just going to start us off witha question.
So if you could be a spiritanimal, what would it be?
I'll go.
The first thing that came inwas a dragon, which is just the
weirdest thing, because normallymy go-tos are elephants, but a
dragon came in and the colorsare red and orange and let me
(01:09):
tell you, she sparkles like thesun and flies over everything,
and it can be ferocious and veryjust when she needs to be, and
then also very loving and kindand amorous, and so she's just
this beautiful blend of duality,of what it means to be the
feminine creature, just likeenveloping, you know, all of
(01:33):
these big, bright and beautifulthings, but also that mama bear
energy as well.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Oh, I love that.
I would probably be somethingthat no one knew existed and was
real.
I'd be like a narwhal becauseeveryone's like wait, that's a
real thing.
So I'd probably be like thatbecause a lot of people when
they find out about my story andlike my mental diagnoses and
(02:03):
all that stuff, they're likewait, I didn't even know this
was like a thing.
I feel like I hear that so much.
I didn't know that was real.
I thought that was made up oronly in movies or something like
that.
So that'd probably be what Iwould.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
I would be oh, my goodness, I first of all I
thought about a lioness, becauseI've just got back into running
and I was running like a slowlioness today conserving her
energy.
But then I was thinking but Ilove my flying dreams, so I want
(02:36):
to be a bird.
I want to be some kind of bird,something called the
murmurations which are whenthese birds fly over the sea in
a beautiful kind of formationand everybody is reliant on
everybody in in the, in theflock.
But it's just so beautiful andamazing.
You're, you're kind of yourindividual and you're part of a
(02:59):
team.
So either of those are twogreat question.
Thank you, kenzie.
Welcome now.
I forgot to say at the beginningI think what we're talking
about today we are talking aboutcomparison.
Yes, Today's topic iscomparison, and the reason I
wanted to talk about comparisonis I've written an article about
(03:19):
it in Diva magazine for August,september 2024.
And it's kind of started frommoving into non-monogamy and
having that situation where I'vegot two relationships at the
same time with different people,and I mean comparison comes in
loud and clear and says, oh,this person does this and this
(03:42):
person does that, and so it kindof got me thinking.
So the way that I have usedcomparison in the past has been
to help me untangle the endingof a relationship.
I remember one particularrelationship where I listed we
just split up.
We were still living together.
(04:02):
She had had an affair withsomebody that she worked with,
so every morning I would have tosee her go off to work and knew
that this other person wasthere, and so we had a few
months together before we couldseparate out of the living
situation.
So it wasn't great.
And so in my diary I waswriting lists and lists of
(04:24):
things that, things that myex-girlfriend wasn't, the things
that I wanted from arelationship, and it really
helped me.
So there was a big oldcomparison in going on there in
terms of you're not this, you'renot that, I wanted this, I
wanted that, and it sort ofhelped me unattach myself a
little bit from.
Unfortunately, she found thelist which was, um, not great
(04:47):
because it was characterassassination, annoying habits,
body stuff that she hadinsecurities.
It was horrible.
It was horrible, helped me,didn't help her, didn't really
help.
Uh, easing out of thatrelationship.
Yeah, and then and that was amonogamous relationship, and
then sort of fast forward a fairfew years, um, coming into the
(05:10):
non-monogamy side of things andbeing in that throuple and and I
think we, if you're, if you'remonogamous, then I think you can
still use this example in termsof your friendships, because we
have different people fordifferent things in our lives.
When it comes to friendships,you know, you've got that one
(05:32):
who is consistent and attentiveand always there, but you don't
speak to them for months andmonths.
And then you've got that otherone who these are examples who
is there every day for you butmaybe isn't as attentive because
they're there for you every day.
So you compare right and thatsort of helps you in some kind
(05:55):
of ways.
But when we delve into why weactually compare, it is a
cognitive bias.
It stops us exploring thecontext and keeps us looking at
those narrow areas.
So we forget that of coursethat person's different because
they're a completely differenthuman.
Of course that person gives methis because they draw out
(06:16):
something in me that the otherperson doesn't draw out.
So it's just this bias thatkind of fine-tunes our brains
into going we'll just pinpointand look at that.
Um, so what else do I want tosay, uh, yeah, so there might,
it might be.
For example, if you're lookingat your current partner and an
(06:37):
ex-partner, you might bethinking, oh, actually, they're
not as demonstrative, my currentpartner isn't as demonstrative
as my ex was, and that cognitivebias will fine tune in on
particular areas instead ofpanning back.
And if you pan back, you mightsee that actually, well, it's a
different dynamic.
Obviously, we're two differentpeople in a different dynamic.
(06:57):
We talked about love languagesin a previous episode.
It might be that they havedifferent love languages from
your ex-partner.
It could be that for both ofyou right now, life is more
stressful, and so the thingthat's dropping off at the
moment is the demonstrative side, so we forget to see the
context in which we're in.
So it's interesting inrelationships to think about.
(07:20):
Why am I focusing on what thatperson's not instead of what
they are?
Because, as we know thatwonderful phrase, where focus
goes, energy flows.
And I just wanted to talk aboutone other thing around
comparison as well, and why wecompare.
And then I've got a couple ofquestions for the two of you.
Comparison keeps us safe.
Measuring that polarity ofbetter or worse can actually
(07:46):
protect us in some situations.
Sometimes it can lead us down adark alleyway into something
that doesn't exist and take usin a you know down areas that we
don't need to be going down,that aren't particularly useful,
they're not particularlyserving the relationship but
essentially it.
It can be there to keep us safe.
And I think where comparisoncan show up quite acutely
(08:10):
sometimes is at the beginning ofa relationship, where you're
doing the firsts the first timeyou have sex, the first time you
have an argument, the firsttime you go to a comedy show and
that person isn't laughing inthe way that you're exited.
Those kinds of firsts canreally highlight that comparison
piece.
I think and because we're usingbinaries here, they're pitting
(08:35):
themselves against each otherthat you've got past experience,
you've got society, you've gotsocial media, all those things
coming into play and saying, oh,you need to compare this with
that and it can be useful and itcan not be useful.
And today, when we talk aboutcomparison, I want to look at
the useful stuff and theunuseful stuff, because there's
(08:58):
been a few quotes aroundcomparison Comparison is the
thief of joy or comparison isthe death of joy.
You might have heard those twoquotes, depending on which
person you're listening to, andI disagree.
I think there's some areas thatwe can look at that can serve
us.
So and, of course, I wasthinking about what's the
(09:18):
opposite of comparison, and Ithink the opposite of comparison
is individuality.
So these are the questions whenhas comparison served you?
And this can be in any kind ofrelationship, when you think
about any relationships,romantic, familial work, any
(09:39):
sort of relationship that you'vehad or you've currently got.
Where do you think thatcomparison has served you?
And I think for me.
I was reflecting on myfriendships, and I have four
friends who are, I wouldconsider, my kind of inner
circle, and I was just thinkingabout one of my friendships and
(10:03):
this, this person.
They.
There was no reason for us tobe friends, really, because we
had very different backgrounds,very different upbringings, very
different interests, and yetthere was something, and I'm
glad we continued with ourfriendship, because what this
person gives me is is a dailycommitment to shared gratitude
(10:26):
and affirmations every singleday.
For the last two year and ahalf might even be two years Now
we've shared this dailycommitment and, uh, to gratitude
and affirmations on a, on atext message, and and yet, when
I look back, that comparisonpiece could have said to me what
?
There's no point in what you'vegot nothing in common with this
(10:48):
person, and yet we've developedit.
So I think for me that's,that's my example.
What about you two?
Speaker 3 (10:59):
the first thing that came to mind where it has served
you was our nanny daycaresituation, um, where our we are
starting an in-home daycareright now for roosie doozy, um,
our youngest, who is three, andwe moved up here three years ago
and so, like we just obviouslydon't know anyone and where we
(11:22):
came from before.
Everyone knows everybody andtheir great aunt and uncle,
right, but our older daycareprovider, where we used to live,
by comparison in a very goodway, is a lot like our new one
36 years experience, just usethe same type of language and
(11:43):
everything like that.
So like that comparison workedout, really, really well.
But actually, allie, when youwere talking about like, oh my
friendship, we have nothing incommon.
Why are we doing this?
And it just you worked at itand it blossomed, oh my God, it
made me think of us three, likewe do have our core values and
beliefs to a certain extent incommon because of our coaching
(12:06):
abilities and our love forpeople and making a difference
in the world.
But other than that, it is likenight, day, dawn, everything in
between, everything in between,and it has been such a pleasure
(12:28):
and an honor working with thetwo of you and developing our
podcast and developing ourmarketing brand and our strategy
and everything else that comesbetween it of like.
This is how Allie's mind andheart works.
This is how Lena's mind andheart works.
This is how my mind and heartworks.
How can we have this beautifulblend?
Come together and createsomething so just phenomenal.
(12:48):
So by comparison and where itserved us of like, oh my gosh,
we have nothing in common.
It's like holy shit, it's this,so that would be my answer.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
I love it, thank you that would be my answer.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I love it, thank you.
You know, for me, I've alwayslooked at comparison as a bad
thing.
There's a book calledComparisonitis that I read, and
I love it because comparison hasalways shown up in a really
toxic way.
For me, being raised by anarcissist, that would make
sense too, because when youcompare yourself to someone else
or you compare one person toanother, it was always in a
(13:27):
negative way For me.
Fresh out of a relationship, Iam learning that comparison can
be used used between partners tofind what I need and to find my
own value and self-worth.
Because if, for instance, onepartner is really good at
(13:52):
communicating and the other onewill not communicate with you,
that allows me to see that Ineed communication.
In order to feel safe in arelationship, I need to be able
to communicate freely andeffectively and comfortably.
So for me, I would say, beingable to compare relationships
(14:13):
with others and then also withmyself, allows me to see where
do I value myself, where do Ineed to do that more and you
know where, in general just, amI getting my needs met or not?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, yeah, love that .
Thank you both of you.
And if you're listening to this, have a think about how your
views were of comparison andwhether they're starting to
change as you work through thispodcast with us.
So when has comparison this isa second question when has
comparison done a number on youromantically?
Um so, thinking about yourromantic relationships, current
(14:57):
or past when has that comparisonpiece really done a number on
you?
And I think when I was puttingtogether today's podcast and I
was thinking about, the oppositeof comparison is individuality.
It did take me back to aparticular relationship, that
where I was in a relationshipwith two different people and I
(15:19):
found it very hard to set andthey were, we were all paired
off.
So it was.
It was a throuple in terms ofwe had individual relationships
in those pairings and also wehad time together with the three
of us and I think I didn'tspend enough time working out
who, what those separatepairings were and how they um
(15:44):
interacted with each other.
So I think comparison did anumber on me because I was not
able to see those individualpartnerships outside of the
others the other person that wasinvolved and I think I would do
that differently now.
So that's what came up for me.
(16:04):
What about for you two?
Speaker 2 (16:10):
I can go next if you're okay with it, kinsey?
Um, I think for me it is thefact that there was a point
where I didn't want to compareanyone and because of that I was
willing to accept a lot lessthan what I deserved, because I
(16:32):
just chalked every little redflag up to well, they're not the
same person, well're different.
Well, it's supposed to bedifferent.
Because I didn't want to comein to polyamory.
I mean, it's been years now butI didn't want to come in and be
(16:52):
like everyone else who justthought I didn't want to.
I don't want to be the personwho just thought everyone was
going to be the same, thateverything was going to be
perfect and that it was all justgoing to work great.
You know, I didn't want to beoblivious to reality.
I wanted to come in and say,okay, this could be really
challenging, so what is it?
(17:12):
And so I thought if I came inwith this idea of I'm not going
to compare anyone and it's okayif my partners don't all meet my
needs, it's fine.
And I was so wrong because Iwas left wanting so much more
than I got and so disappointed.
(17:33):
And, honestly, it was my owndamn fault because I was the one
who showed up with theseexpectations of whatever, like
that's my fault and so by notdoing it, I, honestly, I hurt
myself.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
I didn't get what I deserved yeah, thank you yeah,
that, um, thank you so much forsharing that vulnerable piece of
you.
That's incredibly difficult andincredibly hard.
Um, I'm I'm not poly.
(18:10):
Um, I am in a monogamousrelationship, but with that um,
I also find myself in the coupleof episodes before we talked
about the different types ofintimacy, right, and so, with
any with my husband'srelationship, he does,
thankfully, fill all thosebuckets, which I totally
(18:33):
understand.
That is not how allrelationships work, but we have
had to work extremely, extremely, extremely hard on all of those
buckets together and especiallythe spiritual side.
Since I do claim that I am anintuitive right, I started
telling him all of thesemessages and things that I see
(18:56):
and hear and everything, and I'mlike I'm just going to show you
my true colors.
Thankfully or not, thankfully,I didn't do it right off the bat
, but I think you probably wouldhave thought I don't even know
what I would have thought butthe clinker is that I did start
sharing those huge, likevulnerable, moments of like my
(19:16):
you know, of my soul, of mypsyche, of my being, and saying
like, do you see this?
This is why I'm thinking aboutthis.
Here is the validation thatwhen I asked for this sign, here
it is.
I can't make this shit up andso it's sharing that side.
And so when it's comparison, Ilook for new relationships or
(19:39):
other relationships that fillthose buckets of intimacy as
well.
If you don't fill up any ofthose buckets, that's fine.
It's just we're not going to benearly as close as either I
want to be or you want to be Notromantically, because obviously
I'm monogamous, but that's okay.
(20:00):
That's okay.
That just means that we're notmeant to be.
And so when I first starteddating Matthew, it was a lot of
that arduous work of kind oflike massaging out all of these
different types of things.
And you know, I was this hugelike dreamer and everything, and
he's this grounded energy, socoming together, even like to
this day of like my dreams arehere, and we had this
(20:22):
conversation and crying fest.
Even like to this day of likemy dreams are here, and we had
this conversation and cryingfast, actually like two days ago
, of I'm so sick of always beingthe one to like dream so big
and I want to do this and I wantto do that, and then, bless
your heart, you're the ones thatsaid, well, what about the
finances, what about this andwhat about that?
I'm like it drives me nuts.
(20:42):
But I understand that's whatyou bring in and that's how you
process and this is how Iprocess, and so when we meet in
the middle it becomes like bothof our dreams together.
But it's still so hard.
You guys have always being thatbig hearted, that big dreamer
and then being like, well, great, there goes another 50K.
(21:04):
It's like is that all you thinkabout?
So, in comparison, it is really, really hard because I'm
comparing myself to him, of whycan't I be along those lines of
thinking of like pragmatic,right Is the only word that's
coming in.
I am not very pragmatic.
First one to tell you that heis and that's what he brings in.
(21:24):
So when it comes to comparisonin the romantic field, it's just
like oh shit, why can't I thinklike this?
It's like, oh, my love, it'sbecause you're not supposed to,
that's not your thing, andthat's okay, that's okay.
So it's looking in the mirrorand loving yourself with all of
your big, beautiful flaws.
(21:46):
And they're not even flaws,right, they're just joys and
they're opportunities of justcommunication and joyfulness and
stuff like that.
So it's trying to switch thatmindset of comparing versus like
what am I lacking?
It's like, oh, baby girl,nothing, you are not lacking a
thing.
You're actually bringing somuch more to the table, and it
(22:07):
allows the other person to betheir authentic selves as well.
So it's like such a mind game,you guys Such a mind game.
It really is.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Oh, I love that, and also shout out to Matthew for
the support he has given us onthis podcast and getting us on
the platforms, so his skillshave been much appreciated by
all of us, yeah, great.
So I'm going to quote somethings from one of my favorite
authors.
He's called David Rico and youmight know his.
I think his most famous bookwas how to Be an Adult in
(22:39):
Relationships.
I think his most famous bookwas how to Be an Adult in
Relationships.
He's a transpersonalpsychotherapist, which I love
because it goes into the therapyside and it also goes into the
spiritual side, and there arealso lots of things he uses in
his books that us coaches use.
So it's a lovely blend, I think.
And the book that I wanted tojust quote from is a book called
Daring to Trust is a bookcalled Daring to Trust, and I
(23:06):
think some of the things that wetalk about in the psychological
space can feed into thiscomparison topic.
And I was thinking, as I wasputting this today, not today a
couple of days ago, when I wasputting this together and just
flicking through books.
I don't know how you two putthings together, but I'm just
like right, let me look at books.
Let me pick up a book, let mesee what comes to me, let me see
what phrase.
And the book fell open ontransference and I was like, yes
(23:28):
, so transference the way thatDavid Rico describes it is?
He says it's a psychologicalterm that can be used to
describe the triggering ofchildhood issues in an adult
relationship.
He says we transfer ourfeelings towards a person from
the past onto someone in thepresent.
And I was thinking, well, thisis all comparison stuff and
(23:50):
actually feeds into some of thethings and the types of
conversations we had when wewere talking about attachment
theory in one of our previousepisodes.
It sounds like comparison couldfeature within that.
So he says we may place ourtrust in someone because of
transference.
Maybe they evoke the sense ofsafety and security we felt in
(24:12):
the past.
Then we interpret it that wehave found the right person
which can serve us very well.
However, also proceed withcaution because he says, until
we tease out the connection tothe past and experience the
person as themselves, we do notknow whether they are the person
(24:33):
for us.
And that really spoke to me andthat I mean universe gave me
that because the page fell openand I do love this book, daring
to Trust.
So I'm thinking about otherareas of our lives.
In what other areas of yourlives have you found there is
healthy comparison?
(24:54):
And I mentioned earlier aboutrunning.
This is I ran for years andyears.
I did loads of half marathons10, 10ks, 5ks absolutely loved
it.
And then I stopped a couple ofyears ago when menopause kicked
in because I thought, oh, Iwonder what's going to happen to
my joints, and so I changed mymovement program and I've just
come back to it because of mySIBS, my SIBS.
(25:15):
We've decided that we're goingto work on a race together.
We've raced independently, 'vedone, um, half marathons and,
yeah, we've done half marathonstogether independently.
So I've run with my sister,I've run with my brother, but we
haven't all, and they've runwith each other.
We haven't all done onetogether.
And so comparison is greatbecause we chat every week.
(25:39):
We, you know, we've got a settime and a place that we chat
every week and we've and I saidto them last week, we've become
that person where we're justfanning about running all the
time and we're comparing how,where have you gone, what are
you doing, how much have youdone.
And it's motivating becausethere is a bit of sibling
(25:59):
rivalry.
We're all in our 50s.
I'm in the middle child, sothere's two years up for my
brother and three years down formy sister, so we could feasibly
all be and we're all running asimilar.
Well, I'm not at the moment,but when I'm up to scratch we
would all be running at asimilar rate.
(26:19):
So comparison it's been funactually, uh, and healthy, yeah.
So what about for you two inother areas of your life?
Speaker 3 (26:34):
oh, I can go, Lena, if you don't mind.
Same thing with my sister.
We're eight months apart, sevenadopted children I'm the
youngest and she's the sixth andevery time I'm with her she
makes me feel so much moreconfident and just so much more
(26:55):
of myself of, and just so muchmore of myself of, um, like it's
okay to be yourself Like this.
This is, you know, this isexactly where you're meant to be
.
And you know, don't take anyrough McGruff from anyone.
And she just like embodies this.
Ever, you know, ever since wewere little, she has always used
her voice in such a positiveway.
Um, and so when I'm with her,it just like transfers from her
(27:18):
to me.
And then same thing with herhealthy eating habits, y'all Her
eating is just out of thisworld.
And so I'm like, oh, I need toreset, I need to go hang out
with my sissy, and like, withina day or two, I'm making more
smoothies and freaking hatesalad, but I'm making more
smoothies and you know, doingmore of those types of things.
(27:38):
So it's like yes yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So I totally get it beautiful oh, I don't like any
of my siblings so I can't relate.
But can you ask the questionagain?
Speaker 1 (27:54):
yeah it.
It's that healthy comparisonpiece, and it could be any.
It doesn't have to be attachedto a human, even it could be
something that you do foryourself.
So what area of your life haveyou found there is healthy
comparison?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
I think it's my mental health.
I think it's my personal growthfrom healing from trauma, from
abusive relationships with myfamily, um, being able to look
back even just six months ago,everything that's going on right
now so many people wouldn'ttake care of an ex the way that
(28:34):
I'm willing to, and I'm reallyfucking proud of myself for that
, because that shows who I amand it shows a big middle finger
to my mom, who tries to telleveryone how horrible of a human
I am, and I love that.
But looking back six months agoand I don't know that I would
have done the same six monthsago, because six months ago I
wasn't who I am today.
(28:55):
And so looking at myself andcomparing who I am today to who
I was even yesterday helps mecontinue to get better every day
.
It also helps me remember thatI've been through a lot, I've
done a lot, I've overcome a lotand when I have a hard moment, I
(29:16):
can still love myself eventhrough those hard moments,
because I've been through somany other hard moments and came
out even better.
So why wouldn't I love myselfthrough this one?
You know, and imagine if Ididn't love myself through that
hard moment, how much better I'mgonna come out if I did love
myself through this hard moment.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Yes, oh and yeah, and it's sort of leading actually
into the last question that Iwanted to ask on this podcast,
and then I've just got a littlebit of a summary and we will
find out what each of ourtakeaways are, and we'd love to
know what your takeaways are aswell.
Please do share with us.
So last question what would younow?
Yeah, what would you tell yourteenage self about comparison?
And the reason I'm saying thisis because I'm living with a
(30:07):
teenager and so I'm acutelyaware and being reminded of my
teenage years and how theyshowed up and how they're
showing up for my teenager.
So what would you tell yourteenage you about comparison?
And I think I would say babes,it's pointless, it's pointless,
(30:29):
it's totally pointless.
Be you, you have so much togive the world.
You have so much to give theworld.
And I was listing these things,I was thinking what kindness,
humour, creativity,self-sufficiency, bravery you
have those things.
You don't need to spend time onthat comparison piece.
(30:51):
Be you, yeah, what about youtwo?
What would you tell yourteenager about teenage self,
about comparison?
Speaker 3 (31:01):
same thing, same thing.
Right, it's pointless.
And um, growing up we had, youknow, a physician and a nurse
and um, another doctor.
So, long story short, all of mysiblings the majority of them,
excuse me, had trajectories.
And I'm just like, I have asmile, I, you know, I, people
(31:23):
are drawn to me.
Great, that's great sales skillsand ability, but like that's it
.
So, growing up, I was alwayscomparing myself to my siblings
of like, well, they are on thesegreat big paths and I'm just
like.
But now I look back and it'slike, oh my love, you have so
many beautiful, talented giftsthat aren't even tapped in yet
(31:44):
and they're raw in your teenageyears and you just need to keep
nurturing them and just keepbeing you and letting your light
shine.
And so same thing with you like, just keep being brave, keep
being yourself, like your truepath will illuminate.
And also, there isn't one truepath for one person.
(32:05):
There's many, many differentia.
To go to tiny town, minnesota,to do something small, it's like
you are meant for greatness andyou will, and you are yeah,
(32:27):
that's really beautiful.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Um, I would go a little bit of a different way,
because teenage me was too hurtto trust even future me, so I
would instead ask myself aquestion and I would say how is
this serving you?
Because, allie, you have taughtme today that there is a
(32:51):
benefit in comparing myself tomyself, to others, in ways that
I've never really given spaceand time to think about.
And so instead I would askmyself to others in ways that
I've never really given spaceand time to think about, and so
instead I would ask myself howis this serving you?
I wasn't always willing totrust other people, but I was
always willing to find the bestopportunity to make things
(33:13):
better, and so I think that inthat moment, that question would
have given me enough space torecognize that there is a way
that I can turn my comparingmyself in into something
powerful and and serving yeah,right now.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
So, um, yes, I just wanted to do a quick summary.
Intimacy episode, please.
People, it's great.
(34:00):
This is because both the pastand the present hold out the
chance to receive what we yearnfor.
And then he goes through thislist, which I think is a
beautiful list, he says, andthey all begin with A attention,
acceptance, appreciation,affection and being allowed and
(34:22):
encouraged to be who we are.
And one question again that cameup out of just opening the page
and having a look through thisbook and I'm paraphrasing how
he'd mentioned it, but I thinkI'm applying it to comparison
and it is is, and this is aquestion for people to think
(34:42):
about.
We're not going to answer itnow, it's just to kind of float
it out.
There is comparison, however,it's showing up in your romantic
relationships, because we arehere, love Across the Pond,
talking about romanticrelationships, we're also going
into the past as well, whichI've loved that we've done that
today.
Is comparison in your romanticrelationships the secret you
have complicated your life tokeep?
(35:04):
Is comparison the secret thatyou've currently complicated
your life so that you keep?
It's just something to thinkabout, and I think sometimes we
do overcomplicate our lives totry and keep something that
actually we could be sharing.
Actually, we could be exploringin the coaching space with
trusted friends, with ourpartners, with those that we
(35:26):
trust.
So key takeaways.
Lena, you mentioned a littlebit about takeaways.
Is that your takeaway or areyou going with another one a?
Speaker 2 (35:37):
little bit about a takeaway.
Is that your takeaway or areyou going with another one?
Yeah, honestly it is.
It's just a reminder that, justlike everything else, it can be
used as a tool, and tools canbe misused.
And so comparison when I amusing it from now on, I will be
asking myself is this benefitingme or is this hurting me?
And if it's hurting me, how canI transition this into
(36:01):
something beneficial?
That's my takeaway, for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Love that, Kenzie.
What's come up for you?
Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
It reminds me.
I don't know if you guys haveseen this on YouTube or whatevs,
but it's like the MatthewMcConaughey Oscar speech where
he like talks about always chaseyour like three or three when
you're three or not three yearsold, but like in the next three
years, the next five years, next10 years, always chase that
(36:31):
person, never anyone else, butlike that next phase of your
life.
Like you will eat better, youwill work out better.
Your intention is thatlongevity piece for you and your
family.
Like always chase that.
You know that next phase ofyourself, and so I can also send
it to you to put it in the shownotes and that's just coming up
in so many different ways in mylife right now and as a key
(36:54):
takeaway, it's just like let'snot compare ourselves to others,
because that's their journey,right, not yours.
So what can you?
What can you look at?
What can you chase?
What can you compare yourselfto?
And it's that next phase ofyour life yeah, I.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
My takeaway is what you did, lena, with your younger
self.
Instead of thinking about whatis it I want to tell them, you
said what is it?
I want to ask them.
And I think that's such anamazing approach, because we
know what would you tell yourfive yearold self, what would
(37:35):
you tell your 12?
And actually I think we shouldall change that and we should
all say what would you ask them?
How would you help them explorewhere they are at, as we do as
coaches?
So I've loved that.
That was definitely resonatedwith me.
Thank you, everybody forlistening into Love Across the
Pond.
Please do like, share,subscribe, subscribe, pass it on
(37:59):
, give us your comments, let usknow what your key takeaways are
, and we will look forward toseeing you in our next episode
bye.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
Guys, bye.
Welcome to Love Across the Pond podcast.
This is episode seven.
We are very excited to be herewith you today.
My name is Ali Hendry mypronouns are she, her and I live
in Brighton, on the south coastof England, in the UK.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hey all I'm Lena.
I'm in the southern US, inTennessee, and I use pronouns
she, they.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
US and Tennessee, and I use pronouns she, they.
Hello everyone, I'm KenzieWilcox, my pronouns are she and
her, and I'm right, smack dab inthe middle of the country in
good old Minnesota.
Well, welcome back everyone.
We're so excited to be here, soexcited to be in each other's
presence and energy and itsounds like I'm just going to
start us off with a question andenergy, and it sounds like I'm
(00:49):
just going to start us off witha question.
So if you could be a spiritanimal, what would it be?
I'll go.
The first thing that came inwas a dragon, which is just the
weirdest thing, because normallymy go-tos are elephants, but a
dragon came in and the colorsare red and orange and let me
(01:09):
tell you, she sparkles like thesun and flies over everything,
and it can be ferocious and veryjust when she needs to be, and
then also very loving and kindand amorous, and so she's just
this beautiful blend of duality,of what it means to be the
feminine creature, just likeenveloping, you know, all of
(01:33):
these big, bright and beautifulthings, but also that mama bear
energy as well.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Oh, I love that.
I would probably be somethingthat no one knew existed and was
real.
I'd be like a narwhal becauseeveryone's like wait, that's a
real thing.
So I'd probably be like thatbecause a lot of people when
they find out about my story andlike my mental diagnoses and
(02:03):
all that stuff, they're likewait, I didn't even know this
was like a thing.
I feel like I hear that so much.
I didn't know that was real.
I thought that was made up oronly in movies or something like
that.
So that'd probably be what Iwould.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
I would be oh, my goodness, I first of all I
thought about a lioness, becauseI've just got back into running
and I was running like a slowlioness today conserving her
energy.
But then I was thinking but Ilove my flying dreams, so I want
(02:36):
to be a bird.
I want to be some kind of bird,something called the
murmurations which are whenthese birds fly over the sea in
a beautiful kind of formationand everybody is reliant on
everybody in in the, in theflock.
But it's just so beautiful andamazing.
You're, you're kind of yourindividual and you're part of a
(02:59):
team.
So either of those are twogreat question.
Thank you, kenzie.
Welcome now.
I forgot to say at the beginningI think what we're talking
about today we are talking aboutcomparison.
Yes, Today's topic iscomparison, and the reason I
wanted to talk about comparisonis I've written an article about
(03:19):
it in Diva magazine for August,september 2024.
And it's kind of started frommoving into non-monogamy and
having that situation where I'vegot two relationships at the
same time with different people,and I mean comparison comes in
loud and clear and says, oh,this person does this and this
(03:42):
person does that, and so it kindof got me thinking.
So the way that I have usedcomparison in the past has been
to help me untangle the endingof a relationship.
I remember one particularrelationship where I listed we
just split up.
We were still living together.
(04:02):
She had had an affair withsomebody that she worked with,
so every morning I would have tosee her go off to work and knew
that this other person wasthere, and so we had a few
months together before we couldseparate out of the living
situation.
So it wasn't great.
And so in my diary I waswriting lists and lists of
(04:24):
things that, things that myex-girlfriend wasn't, the things
that I wanted from arelationship, and it really
helped me.
So there was a big oldcomparison in going on there in
terms of you're not this, you'renot that, I wanted this, I
wanted that, and it sort ofhelped me unattach myself a
little bit from.
Unfortunately, she found thelist which was, um, not great
(04:47):
because it was characterassassination, annoying habits,
body stuff that she hadinsecurities.
It was horrible.
It was horrible, helped me,didn't help her, didn't really
help.
Uh, easing out of thatrelationship.
Yeah, and then and that was amonogamous relationship, and
then sort of fast forward a fairfew years, um, coming into the
(05:10):
non-monogamy side of things andbeing in that throuple and and I
think we, if you're, if you'remonogamous, then I think you can
still use this example in termsof your friendships, because we
have different people fordifferent things in our lives.
When it comes to friendships,you know, you've got that one
(05:32):
who is consistent and attentiveand always there, but you don't
speak to them for months andmonths.
And then you've got that otherone who these are examples who
is there every day for you butmaybe isn't as attentive because
they're there for you every day.
So you compare right and thatsort of helps you in some kind
(05:55):
of ways.
But when we delve into why weactually compare, it is a
cognitive bias.
It stops us exploring thecontext and keeps us looking at
those narrow areas.
So we forget that of coursethat person's different because
they're a completely differenthuman.
Of course that person gives methis because they draw out
(06:16):
something in me that the otherperson doesn't draw out.
So it's just this bias thatkind of fine-tunes our brains
into going we'll just pinpointand look at that.
Um, so what else do I want tosay, uh, yeah, so there might,
it might be.
For example, if you're lookingat your current partner and an
(06:37):
ex-partner, you might bethinking, oh, actually, they're
not as demonstrative, my currentpartner isn't as demonstrative
as my ex was, and that cognitivebias will fine tune in on
particular areas instead ofpanning back.
And if you pan back, you mightsee that actually, well, it's a
different dynamic.
Obviously, we're two differentpeople in a different dynamic.
(06:57):
We talked about love languagesin a previous episode.
It might be that they havedifferent love languages from
your ex-partner.
It could be that for both ofyou right now, life is more
stressful, and so the thingthat's dropping off at the
moment is the demonstrative side, so we forget to see the
context in which we're in.
So it's interesting inrelationships to think about.
(07:20):
Why am I focusing on what thatperson's not instead of what
they are?
Because, as we know thatwonderful phrase, where focus
goes, energy flows.
And I just wanted to talk aboutone other thing around
comparison as well, and why wecompare.
And then I've got a couple ofquestions for the two of you.
Comparison keeps us safe.
Measuring that polarity ofbetter or worse can actually
(07:46):
protect us in some situations.
Sometimes it can lead us down adark alleyway into something
that doesn't exist and take usin a you know down areas that we
don't need to be going down,that aren't particularly useful,
they're not particularlyserving the relationship but
essentially it.
It can be there to keep us safe.
And I think where comparisoncan show up quite acutely
(08:10):
sometimes is at the beginning ofa relationship, where you're
doing the firsts the first timeyou have sex, the first time you
have an argument, the firsttime you go to a comedy show and
that person isn't laughing inthe way that you're exited.
Those kinds of firsts canreally highlight that comparison
piece.
I think and because we're usingbinaries here, they're pitting
(08:35):
themselves against each otherthat you've got past experience,
you've got society, you've gotsocial media, all those things
coming into play and saying, oh,you need to compare this with
that and it can be useful and itcan not be useful.
And today, when we talk aboutcomparison, I want to look at
the useful stuff and theunuseful stuff, because there's
(08:58):
been a few quotes aroundcomparison Comparison is the
thief of joy or comparison isthe death of joy.
You might have heard those twoquotes, depending on which
person you're listening to, andI disagree.
I think there's some areas thatwe can look at that can serve
us.
So and, of course, I wasthinking about what's the
(09:18):
opposite of comparison, and Ithink the opposite of comparison
is individuality.
So these are the questions whenhas comparison served you?
And this can be in any kind ofrelationship, when you think
about any relationships,romantic, familial work, any
(09:39):
sort of relationship that you'vehad or you've currently got.
Where do you think thatcomparison has served you?
And I think for me.
I was reflecting on myfriendships, and I have four
friends who are, I wouldconsider, my kind of inner
circle, and I was just thinkingabout one of my friendships and
(10:03):
this, this person.
They.
There was no reason for us tobe friends, really, because we
had very different backgrounds,very different upbringings, very
different interests, and yetthere was something, and I'm
glad we continued with ourfriendship, because what this
person gives me is is a dailycommitment to shared gratitude
(10:26):
and affirmations every singleday.
For the last two year and ahalf might even be two years Now
we've shared this dailycommitment and, uh, to gratitude
and affirmations on a, on atext message, and and yet, when
I look back, that comparisonpiece could have said to me what
?
There's no point in what you'vegot nothing in common with this
(10:48):
person, and yet we've developedit.
So I think for me that's,that's my example.
What about you two?
Speaker 3 (10:59):
the first thing that came to mind where it has served
you was our nanny daycaresituation, um, where our we are
starting an in-home daycareright now for roosie doozy, um,
our youngest, who is three, andwe moved up here three years ago
and so, like we just obviouslydon't know anyone and where we
(11:22):
came from before.
Everyone knows everybody andtheir great aunt and uncle,
right, but our older daycareprovider, where we used to live,
by comparison in a very goodway, is a lot like our new one
36 years experience, just usethe same type of language and
(11:43):
everything like that.
So like that comparison workedout, really, really well.
But actually, allie, when youwere talking about like, oh my
friendship, we have nothing incommon.
Why are we doing this?
And it just you worked at itand it blossomed, oh my God, it
made me think of us three, likewe do have our core values and
beliefs to a certain extent incommon because of our coaching
(12:06):
abilities and our love forpeople and making a difference
in the world.
But other than that, it is likenight, day, dawn, everything in
between, everything in between,and it has been such a pleasure
(12:28):
and an honor working with thetwo of you and developing our
podcast and developing ourmarketing brand and our strategy
and everything else that comesbetween it of like.
This is how Allie's mind andheart works.
This is how Lena's mind andheart works.
This is how my mind and heartworks.
How can we have this beautifulblend?
Come together and createsomething so just phenomenal.
(12:48):
So by comparison and where itserved us of like, oh my gosh,
we have nothing in common.
It's like holy shit, it's this,so that would be my answer.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
I love it, thank you that would be my answer.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I love it, thank you.
You know, for me, I've alwayslooked at comparison as a bad
thing.
There's a book calledComparisonitis that I read, and
I love it because comparison hasalways shown up in a really
toxic way.
For me, being raised by anarcissist, that would make
sense too, because when youcompare yourself to someone else
or you compare one person toanother, it was always in a
(13:27):
negative way For me.
Fresh out of a relationship, Iam learning that comparison can
be used used between partners tofind what I need and to find my
own value and self-worth.
Because if, for instance, onepartner is really good at
(13:52):
communicating and the other onewill not communicate with you,
that allows me to see that Ineed communication.
In order to feel safe in arelationship, I need to be able
to communicate freely andeffectively and comfortably.
So for me, I would say, beingable to compare relationships
(14:13):
with others and then also withmyself, allows me to see where
do I value myself, where do Ineed to do that more and you
know where, in general just, amI getting my needs met or not?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, yeah, love that .
Thank you both of you.
And if you're listening to this, have a think about how your
views were of comparison andwhether they're starting to
change as you work through thispodcast with us.
So when has comparison this isa second question when has
comparison done a number on youromantically?
Um so, thinking about yourromantic relationships, current
(14:57):
or past when has that comparisonpiece really done a number on
you?
And I think when I was puttingtogether today's podcast and I
was thinking about, the oppositeof comparison is individuality.
It did take me back to aparticular relationship, that
where I was in a relationshipwith two different people and I
(15:19):
found it very hard to set andthey were, we were all paired
off.
So it was.
It was a throuple in terms ofwe had individual relationships
in those pairings and also wehad time together with the three
of us and I think I didn'tspend enough time working out
who, what those separatepairings were and how they um
(15:44):
interacted with each other.
So I think comparison did anumber on me because I was not
able to see those individualpartnerships outside of the
others the other person that wasinvolved and I think I would do
that differently now.
So that's what came up for me.
(16:04):
What about for you two?
Speaker 2 (16:10):
I can go next if you're okay with it, kinsey?
Um, I think for me it is thefact that there was a point
where I didn't want to compareanyone and because of that I was
willing to accept a lot lessthan what I deserved, because I
(16:32):
just chalked every little redflag up to well, they're not the
same person, well're different.
Well, it's supposed to bedifferent.
Because I didn't want to comein to polyamory.
I mean, it's been years now butI didn't want to come in and be
(16:52):
like everyone else who justthought I didn't want to.
I don't want to be the personwho just thought everyone was
going to be the same, thateverything was going to be
perfect and that it was all justgoing to work great.
You know, I didn't want to beoblivious to reality.
I wanted to come in and say,okay, this could be really
challenging, so what is it?
(17:12):
And so I thought if I came inwith this idea of I'm not going
to compare anyone and it's okayif my partners don't all meet my
needs, it's fine.
And I was so wrong because Iwas left wanting so much more
than I got and so disappointed.
(17:33):
And, honestly, it was my owndamn fault because I was the one
who showed up with theseexpectations of whatever, like
that's my fault and so by notdoing it, I, honestly, I hurt
myself.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
I didn't get what I deserved yeah, thank you yeah,
that, um, thank you so much forsharing that vulnerable piece of
you.
That's incredibly difficult andincredibly hard.
Um, I'm I'm not poly.
(18:10):
Um, I am in a monogamousrelationship, but with that um,
I also find myself in the coupleof episodes before we talked
about the different types ofintimacy, right, and so, with
any with my husband'srelationship, he does,
thankfully, fill all thosebuckets, which I totally
(18:33):
understand.
That is not how allrelationships work, but we have
had to work extremely, extremely, extremely hard on all of those
buckets together and especiallythe spiritual side.
Since I do claim that I am anintuitive right, I started
telling him all of thesemessages and things that I see
(18:56):
and hear and everything, and I'mlike I'm just going to show you
my true colors.
Thankfully or not, thankfully,I didn't do it right off the bat
, but I think you probably wouldhave thought I don't even know
what I would have thought butthe clinker is that I did start
sharing those huge, likevulnerable, moments of like my
(19:16):
you know, of my soul, of mypsyche, of my being, and saying
like, do you see this?
This is why I'm thinking aboutthis.
Here is the validation thatwhen I asked for this sign, here
it is.
I can't make this shit up andso it's sharing that side.
And so when it's comparison, Ilook for new relationships or
(19:39):
other relationships that fillthose buckets of intimacy as
well.
If you don't fill up any ofthose buckets, that's fine.
It's just we're not going to benearly as close as either I
want to be or you want to be Notromantically, because obviously
I'm monogamous, but that's okay.
(20:00):
That's okay.
That just means that we're notmeant to be.
And so when I first starteddating Matthew, it was a lot of
that arduous work of kind oflike massaging out all of these
different types of things.
And you know, I was this hugelike dreamer and everything, and
he's this grounded energy, socoming together, even like to
this day of like my dreams arehere, and we had this
(20:22):
conversation and crying fest.
Even like to this day of likemy dreams are here, and we had
this conversation and cryingfast, actually like two days ago
, of I'm so sick of always beingthe one to like dream so big
and I want to do this and I wantto do that, and then, bless
your heart, you're the ones thatsaid, well, what about the
finances, what about this andwhat about that?
I'm like it drives me nuts.
(20:42):
But I understand that's whatyou bring in and that's how you
process and this is how Iprocess, and so when we meet in
the middle it becomes like bothof our dreams together.
But it's still so hard.
You guys have always being thatbig hearted, that big dreamer
and then being like, well, great, there goes another 50K.
(21:04):
It's like is that all you thinkabout?
So, in comparison, it is really, really hard because I'm
comparing myself to him, of whycan't I be along those lines of
thinking of like pragmatic,right Is the only word that's
coming in.
I am not very pragmatic.
First one to tell you that heis and that's what he brings in.
(21:24):
So when it comes to comparisonin the romantic field, it's just
like oh shit, why can't I thinklike this?
It's like, oh, my love, it'sbecause you're not supposed to,
that's not your thing, andthat's okay, that's okay.
So it's looking in the mirrorand loving yourself with all of
your big, beautiful flaws.
(21:46):
And they're not even flaws,right, they're just joys and
they're opportunities of justcommunication and joyfulness and
stuff like that.
So it's trying to switch thatmindset of comparing versus like
what am I lacking?
It's like, oh, baby girl,nothing, you are not lacking a
thing.
You're actually bringing somuch more to the table, and it
(22:07):
allows the other person to betheir authentic selves as well.
So it's like such a mind game,you guys Such a mind game.
It really is.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Oh, I love that, and also shout out to Matthew for
the support he has given us onthis podcast and getting us on
the platforms, so his skillshave been much appreciated by
all of us, yeah, great.
So I'm going to quote somethings from one of my favorite
authors.
He's called David Rico and youmight know his.
I think his most famous bookwas how to Be an Adult in
(22:39):
Relationships.
I think his most famous bookwas how to Be an Adult in
Relationships.
He's a transpersonalpsychotherapist, which I love
because it goes into the therapyside and it also goes into the
spiritual side, and there arealso lots of things he uses in
his books that us coaches use.
So it's a lovely blend, I think.
And the book that I wanted tojust quote from is a book called
Daring to Trust is a bookcalled Daring to Trust, and I
(23:06):
think some of the things that wetalk about in the psychological
space can feed into thiscomparison topic.
And I was thinking, as I wasputting this today, not today a
couple of days ago, when I wasputting this together and just
flicking through books.
I don't know how you two putthings together, but I'm just
like right, let me look at books.
Let me pick up a book, let mesee what comes to me, let me see
what phrase.
And the book fell open ontransference and I was like, yes
(23:28):
, so transference the way thatDavid Rico describes it is?
He says it's a psychologicalterm that can be used to
describe the triggering ofchildhood issues in an adult
relationship.
He says we transfer ourfeelings towards a person from
the past onto someone in thepresent.
And I was thinking, well, thisis all comparison stuff and
(23:50):
actually feeds into some of thethings and the types of
conversations we had when wewere talking about attachment
theory in one of our previousepisodes.
It sounds like comparison couldfeature within that.
So he says we may place ourtrust in someone because of
transference.
Maybe they evoke the sense ofsafety and security we felt in
(24:12):
the past.
Then we interpret it that wehave found the right person
which can serve us very well.
However, also proceed withcaution because he says, until
we tease out the connection tothe past and experience the
person as themselves, we do notknow whether they are the person
(24:33):
for us.
And that really spoke to me andthat I mean universe gave me
that because the page fell openand I do love this book, daring
to Trust.
So I'm thinking about otherareas of our lives.
In what other areas of yourlives have you found there is
healthy comparison?
(24:54):
And I mentioned earlier aboutrunning.
This is I ran for years andyears.
I did loads of half marathons10, 10ks, 5ks absolutely loved
it.
And then I stopped a couple ofyears ago when menopause kicked
in because I thought, oh, Iwonder what's going to happen to
my joints, and so I changed mymovement program and I've just
come back to it because of mySIBS, my SIBS.
(25:15):
We've decided that we're goingto work on a race together.
We've raced independently, 'vedone, um, half marathons and,
yeah, we've done half marathonstogether independently.
So I've run with my sister,I've run with my brother, but we
haven't all, and they've runwith each other.
We haven't all done onetogether.
And so comparison is greatbecause we chat every week.
(25:39):
We, you know, we've got a settime and a place that we chat
every week and we've and I saidto them last week, we've become
that person where we're justfanning about running all the
time and we're comparing how,where have you gone, what are
you doing, how much have youdone.
And it's motivating becausethere is a bit of sibling
(25:59):
rivalry.
We're all in our 50s.
I'm in the middle child, sothere's two years up for my
brother and three years down formy sister, so we could feasibly
all be and we're all running asimilar.
Well, I'm not at the moment,but when I'm up to scratch we
would all be running at asimilar rate.
(26:19):
So comparison it's been funactually, uh, and healthy, yeah.
So what about for you two inother areas of your life?
Speaker 3 (26:34):
oh, I can go, Lena, if you don't mind.
Same thing with my sister.
We're eight months apart, sevenadopted children I'm the
youngest and she's the sixth andevery time I'm with her she
makes me feel so much moreconfident and just so much more
(26:55):
of myself of, and just so muchmore of myself of, um, like it's
okay to be yourself Like this.
This is, you know, this isexactly where you're meant to be
.
And you know, don't take anyrough McGruff from anyone.
And she just like embodies this.
Ever, you know, ever since wewere little, she has always used
her voice in such a positiveway.
Um, and so when I'm with her,it just like transfers from her
(27:18):
to me.
And then same thing with herhealthy eating habits, y'all Her
eating is just out of thisworld.
And so I'm like, oh, I need toreset, I need to go hang out
with my sissy, and like, withina day or two, I'm making more
smoothies and freaking hatesalad, but I'm making more
smoothies and you know, doingmore of those types of things.
(27:38):
So it's like yes yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So I totally get it beautiful oh, I don't like any
of my siblings so I can't relate.
But can you ask the questionagain?
Speaker 1 (27:54):
yeah it.
It's that healthy comparisonpiece, and it could be any.
It doesn't have to be attachedto a human, even it could be
something that you do foryourself.
So what area of your life haveyou found there is healthy
comparison?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
I think it's my mental health.
I think it's my personal growthfrom healing from trauma, from
abusive relationships with myfamily, um, being able to look
back even just six months ago,everything that's going on right
now so many people wouldn'ttake care of an ex the way that
(28:34):
I'm willing to, and I'm reallyfucking proud of myself for that
, because that shows who I amand it shows a big middle finger
to my mom, who tries to telleveryone how horrible of a human
I am, and I love that.
But looking back six months agoand I don't know that I would
have done the same six monthsago, because six months ago I
wasn't who I am today.
(28:55):
And so looking at myself andcomparing who I am today to who
I was even yesterday helps mecontinue to get better every day
.
It also helps me remember thatI've been through a lot, I've
done a lot, I've overcome a lotand when I have a hard moment, I
(29:16):
can still love myself eventhrough those hard moments,
because I've been through somany other hard moments and came
out even better.
So why wouldn't I love myselfthrough this one?
You know, and imagine if Ididn't love myself through that
hard moment, how much better I'mgonna come out if I did love
myself through this hard moment.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Yes, oh and yeah, and it's sort of leading actually
into the last question that Iwanted to ask on this podcast,
and then I've just got a littlebit of a summary and we will
find out what each of ourtakeaways are, and we'd love to
know what your takeaways are aswell.
Please do share with us.
So last question what would younow?
Yeah, what would you tell yourteenage self about comparison?
And the reason I'm saying thisis because I'm living with a
(30:07):
teenager and so I'm acutelyaware and being reminded of my
teenage years and how theyshowed up and how they're
showing up for my teenager.
So what would you tell yourteenage you about comparison?
And I think I would say babes,it's pointless, it's pointless,
(30:29):
it's totally pointless.
Be you, you have so much togive the world.
You have so much to give theworld.
And I was listing these things,I was thinking what kindness,
humour, creativity,self-sufficiency, bravery you
have those things.
You don't need to spend time onthat comparison piece.
(30:51):
Be you, yeah, what about youtwo?
What would you tell yourteenager about teenage self,
about comparison?
Speaker 3 (31:01):
same thing, same thing.
Right, it's pointless.
And um, growing up we had, youknow, a physician and a nurse
and um, another doctor.
So, long story short, all of mysiblings the majority of them,
excuse me, had trajectories.
And I'm just like, I have asmile, I, you know, I, people
(31:23):
are drawn to me.
Great, that's great sales skillsand ability, but like that's it
.
So, growing up, I was alwayscomparing myself to my siblings
of like, well, they are on thesegreat big paths and I'm just
like.
But now I look back and it'slike, oh my love, you have so
many beautiful, talented giftsthat aren't even tapped in yet
(31:44):
and they're raw in your teenageyears and you just need to keep
nurturing them and just keepbeing you and letting your light
shine.
And so same thing with you like, just keep being brave, keep
being yourself, like your truepath will illuminate.
And also, there isn't one truepath for one person.
(32:05):
There's many, many differentia.
To go to tiny town, minnesota,to do something small, it's like
you are meant for greatness andyou will, and you are yeah,
(32:27):
that's really beautiful.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Um, I would go a little bit of a different way,
because teenage me was too hurtto trust even future me, so I
would instead ask myself aquestion and I would say how is
this serving you?
Because, allie, you have taughtme today that there is a
(32:51):
benefit in comparing myself tomyself, to others, in ways that
I've never really given spaceand time to think about.
And so instead I would askmyself to others in ways that
I've never really given spaceand time to think about, and so
instead I would ask myself howis this serving you?
I wasn't always willing totrust other people, but I was
always willing to find the bestopportunity to make things
(33:13):
better, and so I think that inthat moment, that question would
have given me enough space torecognize that there is a way
that I can turn my comparingmyself in into something
powerful and and serving yeah,right now.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
So, um, yes, I just wanted to do a quick summary.
Intimacy episode, please.
People, it's great.
(34:00):
This is because both the pastand the present hold out the
chance to receive what we yearnfor.
And then he goes through thislist, which I think is a
beautiful list, he says, andthey all begin with A attention,
acceptance, appreciation,affection and being allowed and
(34:22):
encouraged to be who we are.
And one question again that cameup out of just opening the page
and having a look through thisbook and I'm paraphrasing how
he'd mentioned it, but I thinkI'm applying it to comparison
and it is is, and this is aquestion for people to think
(34:42):
about.
We're not going to answer itnow, it's just to kind of float
it out.
There is comparison, however,it's showing up in your romantic
relationships, because we arehere, love Across the Pond,
talking about romanticrelationships, we're also going
into the past as well, whichI've loved that we've done that
today.
Is comparison in your romanticrelationships the secret you
have complicated your life tokeep?
(35:04):
Is comparison the secret thatyou've currently complicated
your life so that you keep?
It's just something to thinkabout, and I think sometimes we
do overcomplicate our lives totry and keep something that
actually we could be sharing.
Actually, we could be exploringin the coaching space with
trusted friends, with ourpartners, with those that we
(35:26):
trust.
So key takeaways.
Lena, you mentioned a littlebit about takeaways.
Is that your takeaway or areyou going with another one a?
Speaker 2 (35:37):
little bit about a takeaway.
Is that your takeaway or areyou going with another one?
Yeah, honestly it is.
It's just a reminder that, justlike everything else, it can be
used as a tool, and tools canbe misused.
And so comparison when I amusing it from now on, I will be
asking myself is this benefitingme or is this hurting me?
And if it's hurting me, how canI transition this into
(36:01):
something beneficial?
That's my takeaway, for sure.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Love that, Kenzie.
What's come up for you?
Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 3 (36:10):
It reminds me.
I don't know if you guys haveseen this on YouTube or whatevs,
but it's like the MatthewMcConaughey Oscar speech where
he like talks about always chaseyour like three or three when
you're three or not three yearsold, but like in the next three
years, the next five years, next10 years, always chase that
(36:31):
person, never anyone else, butlike that next phase of your
life.
Like you will eat better, youwill work out better.
Your intention is thatlongevity piece for you and your
family.
Like always chase that.
You know that next phase ofyourself, and so I can also send
it to you to put it in the shownotes and that's just coming up
in so many different ways in mylife right now and as a key
(36:54):
takeaway, it's just like let'snot compare ourselves to others,
because that's their journey,right, not yours.
So what can you?
What can you look at?
What can you chase?
What can you compare yourselfto?
And it's that next phase ofyour life yeah, I.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
My takeaway is what you did, lena, with your younger
self.
Instead of thinking about whatis it I want to tell them, you
said what is it?
I want to ask them.
And I think that's such anamazing approach, because we
know what would you tell yourfive yearold self, what would
(37:35):
you tell your 12?
And actually I think we shouldall change that and we should
all say what would you ask them?
How would you help them explorewhere they are at, as we do as
coaches?
So I've loved that.
That was definitely resonatedwith me.
Thank you, everybody forlistening into Love Across the
Pond.
Please do like, share,subscribe, subscribe, pass it on
(37:59):
, give us your comments, let usknow what your key takeaways are
, and we will look forward toseeing you in our next episode
bye.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
Guys, bye.
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