Kyle and Selina explore how partners can effectively support each other through anxiety by understanding different responses and creating practical strategies for mental wellness. They share personal experiences that illuminate the contrast between Kyle's tendency to push through anxiety and Selina's need for space and decompression.
• Creating a "code word" to signal when anxiety is taking over
• Acknowledging how partners can inadvertently trigger each other's anxiety
• Providing regular self-care opportunities is essential for mental health
• Establishing communication plans to prevent surprise triggers
• Supporting a partner during panic attacks through presence, not fixing
• Recognizing the value of asking key questions: What do you need? What do you want? How can I help?
• Understanding the importance of slowing down rather than pushing through
• Accepting that professional help and medication can be appropriate tools
• Being transparent about personal struggles with anxiety
• Creating intentional spaces for recovery after anxiety episodes
Remember that anxiety is real, and people of strong faith can experience it. Focus on working together to overcome anxious thoughts and build a stronger marriage through understanding and support.
THANK YOU for following, sharing, and leaving us a great review!
Our Website: https://lovebyfaithministries.com
Instagram: @lovebyfaithministries | @selinaalmodovar | @solutionary_k
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@lovebyfaithministries
🌿 FREE DOWNLOAD: The Love By Faith Playbook! 🏈
Get all the plays you need to have a winning season in your relationship with the Love By Faith Playbook. This is a FREE one-stop shop of evergreen resources (with new plays loaded each month!) to help you and your partner tackle common relationship struggles and set a strong foundation built to last.
Free Download HERE: https://lovebyfaithministries.com/couples-playbook
BECOME A GENEROUS SUPPORTER OF THIS PODCAST!
CashApp: $LoveByFaithPodcast
FOR PARTNERSHIPS, SPONSORSHIPS & COLLABS...
info@LoveByFaithMinistries.com
*Some of the links listed in this description are affiliate links.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
How partners can help each other through anxiety.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
I want to get out of that place.
So bad that I don't want tostop and sit there for any more
seconds than necessary.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
What happened?
What do you think triggered it?
What can I do to help?
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
A relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
You know, I remember I used tohave pink hair, yeah, and my
(01:00):
eyes are a little off on color,right.
Okay, like I could see color,but it's weird.
Right and I didn't realize, butit's weird, right, and I didn't
realize how pink your hair was.
Yeah, until I look back at oldphotos.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
And then I could see it better in the photos than in
real life at the time.
Yes, and so it's like whoa, herhair was that pink.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
I don't know what happened.
I sincerely don't know whathappened.
So I think when I originallygot it pink, it was like this
color, the color of my shirt.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, maybe a little brighter, a little brighter.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And then my stylist kept telling me go get the pink
that you want.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
And it's so hard to see and match the pinks and I
think at one point it becamelike a hot pink.
No-transcript cotton pinkstarted fading out into just
(02:14):
blonde, right and brown and wewere like, oh, that looks that.
Looks, that, looks amazing.
And then we just kind of keptit at the right, that's how you
look like now so now I'verebranded everything to get rid
of the pink.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Do you feel more comfortable now or more
comfortable in the pink?
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It was an era.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Okay, so you were comfortable then, yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Like you know, you get the short hair era the pink
era.
I've completely grown out of myold brand.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I've completely grown out of the pink hair so it's
part of part of the brand, butthe brand was an offshoot of you
yes, uh, yeah, that's what itshould be.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
That's what love by faith is.
It's it's very clean, it's veryum.
I I always use eucalyptus,because I use it as like a a
beautiful um evergreen kind ofleaf that is calming healing,
healing.
Yeah, you know so the thebrowns kind of, I think guys
would not shy away from thecolor scheme yeah of the greens
(03:10):
and the blues and the neutralsit's good but at the same time,
like girls, can use it for avery calm and soothing I like
the way eucalyptus smells yeahthat's that's.
I enjoy eucalyptus yeah, that'slike a little something you know
, like how magnolia farms.
Not that I'm trying to be likeMagnolia.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
But like they always plant a Magnolia tree everywhere
they go.
So like eucalyptus would belike that symbol.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Their calling card, our calling card.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
To represent loving by faith.
The wet bandits or the stickybandits, depending on when
you're watching.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
So welcome to Love by Faith.
This is our last episode in theanxiety series that we've been
doing.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Get me out of here, I know.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
It's been very revealing and very transparent,
and we wanted to end this seriesby talking specifically on how
partners can help each otherthrough anxiety.
Okay, so I know we've talkedabout our individual struggles.
We talked about how anxiety asa whole really can attack
(04:16):
marriages.
Kyle, what do you have to sayabout how I, as your partner,
can help you with your anxiety?
when you have it, I feel likesometimes it's really hard to
read you on when you're anxious.
(04:38):
Okay, but you talked about thisin earlier episodes where you
said you hold it in.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Definitely internalize it and so it's
really hard to read you yeah, Iuh definitely go by the never
let him see you sweatmethodology.
That is the biggest flex youcan ever have never, but it's
not if you're internalizing itand I'm not letting my wife see
my weaknesses.
Yes, it's blocking her fromhelping me in the way God's
called her to to be my helper.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And so I think to when you get it right, when you
get it right with me.
You see it, we're trying toleave the house, trying to get
these kids together.
We're trying to do this and you, whether I like it or not,
whether I receive it or notbecause a lot of times I don't
receive it when you slow me downand I'm like go, go, go mode
(05:35):
I'm on level seven, speed out of10, and you're like Kyle, stop,
and you make me breathe and Iget so mad and it drives me nuts
.
I get.
I don't want to breathe rightnow and I will say that to you
and I know you know exactly whatI'm talking about and it helps.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
I don't receive it at the time.
Listen, I don't receive it atthe time.
You're rolling your eyes.
I know I'm not rolling my eyes.
My eyes are shut.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Shut.
They were open.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
They'd be looking behind you From a body language
that would make you feel likewhat you're saying is not valid.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
No.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
I don't need you to validate this.
I'm admitting my fault here andthat I don't receive it when
you try to calm me down.
You're bringing up a veryinteresting point, because we
all go through this and whatwe're going through is our
partner doesn't want to receivethe slowdown and so a lot of the
times it triggers me.
And now we're both triggered,you know, because I see you, I
(06:33):
see you getting there and I seeyou all over the place and your
body language is showing it,your tonality is showing it, the
way you're talking to kids isshowing it.
So I do try to show you.
Slow you down, because I'm likelet me give him some of this
energy and transfer it over andhe can transfer some of his back
.
and that's exactly what happens.
(06:53):
Because you push me away, you,um, you dismiss me.
You say I don't want this rightnow.
I just you want to stay in thatmoment.
And sometimes, if I'm notcareful, I will take that and I
will immediately feel the fleshin me, want to clap back, want
(07:17):
to leave you hanging, want to belike fine, go, go ahead and
fall.
Let's see you fall again.
I have to really restrict myself, and that's not just with you,
like that's what, I'm surethat's with me as well, like
anybody who is in this anxietyplace and they feel like it's so
strong and they are justpushing away.
You're, you're pushing the helpaway.
(07:37):
You know, to me that's veryhard for a partner to stand firm
.
That's very hard for a partnerto stand firm in being calm and
stand firm in the peace place tohelp them regroup and slow down
.
Because there are times whenyou're like, no, I don't want
this and I'm like what?
Go ahead and do it.
Then let's see what happens.
(07:58):
It's true, you know, sometimeswhat is that saying?
It's the old husband-wifesaying where it's like, um, oh,
I don't remember, but the wifeis like if the husband doesn't
want the wife's help, then youstep away and let god hit them
with the two by four.
So I don't know, I don't knowthe name of it, but like
sometimes you can do only somuch and then you have to step
away and just let the holyspirit, like, show him
(08:21):
absolutely absolutely what wereyou gonna say?
you were saying no you don'twant to get out of that place
right, but it's.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
That's what.
That's wrong.
I want to get out of that place.
So bad that I don't want tostop and sit there and for any
more seconds than than necessaryso you think bulldozing through
the anxiety is how you will getout of the anxiety.
Yes, get to the next step.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Where I'm saying let's pull you out of the
anxiety and let it just go pastyou.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
And it compounds the situation because I'm stopped
when, if I'm stopped, nothing isgetting better.
But you're saying, stop to getit better, yes, and so it's
always, always, always, whichway works?
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Nothing is getting better, but you're saying stop
to get it better.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Yes, and so it's always, always, always which way
works.
I always come back to.
You were right.
That was probably better.
The outcome could have beenbetter.
Like sure, I'll get it done,but could I have got it done
better, more effectively, morethoroughly if I would have
closed my mouth and listened toyou for a second, close my mouth
and listen to you for a second,stop my feet, listen to you for
a second.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Yes.
You know, Because when you'regoing through that tornado,
you're not realizing what you'remissing, what you're
overlooking.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
All the things it makes me think like a code word,
Like instead of Omaha we have adifferent code word.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Tell the people what Omaha means now.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
So Omaha came out of Ted Lasso.
We watched Ted Lasso.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
We talked about this in other episodes.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
They do.
Oklahoma, for when you need totell the truth, yes, well, omaha
, for us is when we need to stopprocrastinating and just get
something done.
Yes, omaha, selena.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
It's not just from Ted Lasso, it's also from uh
omaha, from the football playerright, okay, omaha.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
From peyton manning, when he would say omaha because
like let's start to play.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah, let's start to play so it's a little both, but
okay, so we need a code word soI think, yeah, an anxiety code
word could help.
Let's work through this withour people right what should our
code word be when kylespecifically?
Okay is going through ananxiety rush and he's trying to
go through it rather than letstep out of it and let it go
(10:36):
past I like that what word wouldclick for you?
Because I could say any.
I could say cheeseburger.
You're gonna be like what theheck are you talking about?
Speaker 2 (10:45):
no, I don't want a cheeseburger right now, I guess
what comes to mind.
For you, what comes to mind islike geronimo geronimo right
because you want me to remembergeronimo because it's like, I
think of that as like what yousay before you jump out of the
plane like that's what you saybefore you jump out of the plane
, like really, geronimo.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Have you ever jumped out of the plane?
But I feel like that's youthink that's where I get it from
, that's what I equate it to.
So you want me to say Geronimo.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Geronimo, yeah, that would tell me to slow down.
Okay, let this anxiety pass,we're going to try it.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
We're going to try it this Sunday.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
I don't receive you speaking, that I'm going to have
an anxious moment on Sunday.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
No, we're going to have a peaceful Sunday.
That's right, we're going tohave a good Sunday.
I speak life, over oursituation, yes, and I speak like
over your anxiety.
I'm going fishing this Sunday.
Yes, okay, yes, you're goingfishing.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Can't be any anxiety there.
Every man's dream to go fishing.
No anxiety there.
Okay, I'm not getting into that.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, so we will test this out and we will report
back to you guys.
If you are listening and if youguys have a word that you guys
use that might be a littlebetter than a four syllable word
, geronimo, then go ahead.
I had to double check myself,so I didn't have to edit it out.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Go ahead and share with us what word would work for
you.
Now, this is just for Kyle,because there's a very specific
type of anxiety that Kyle goesthrough that is very different
from what Selena goes through,and so I feel like there's
different ways.
Everybody experiences anxietydifferent, and so there's
(12:26):
different ways, but for you thatwould help.
One thing that you said in thelast episode that I really want
to address it's been on my heartfor a whole week is you said
that sometimes I am the one thatbrings out your anxiety.
Why are you laughing?
I'm so serious.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Keep going.
No, because my wife makes meanxious.
I'm sure no guy has ever gonethrough that.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Okay, but I want to say, like I.
So you were being veryvulnerable in that moment and
then I raised your vulnerablewith my vulnerable and I said am
I the cause of it?
And you said yes, and I justwant to say, like I don't, I did
not take that lightly, I was.
I was lightweight, convicted,and it's not that I'm doing it
on purpose, but I want toapologize because I never want
(13:10):
to be the stem of something thatwould bring you to that mental
state and so I am sorry for thatand I don't know if it's going
to be done and I'm never goingto do it again because again,
I'm not doing it intentionally,but to bring awareness to it and
to be mindful of it.
(13:31):
I just want to say I'm sorrythat I would bring you to that
place.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I fully accept your apology.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
And I think there are couples out there who don't
realize it Absolutely.
Maybe having that conversationof you do do this to me, you do
do get me here, and I don't knowif that would bring out the
person, the other partner, beingdefensive or feeling convicted
or something, but I think it'sgood to have a safe space where
(14:01):
we can talk about that, becauseif 99 of your problems is coming
from your spouse, then thatneeds to be addressed.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
Well, that percentage isn't that high.
It's not that high.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
No.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
But maybe 25?
Do you want to know something?
Speaker 1 (14:18):
I just saw a post that said studies show that
women get more anxiety fromtheir husbands than from
children.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Interesting I don't want to rush past this what you
said first before the moreanxiety from their husbands than
from children.
Interesting I don't want torush past this what you said
first before the more anxietyfrom their husband.
Then you brought up thatsometimes my anxiety comes from
you.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
And in those moments I think of.
I think of times when you'reasking me for more than I can
provide, so where I feelinadequate as a provider, where
you're asking for.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
You mean like a honey do list or a what yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Honey do list, honey buy lists.
You know we need this, we needthat, I want to do this and that
, and it's like our paychecksonly go so far.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
And then I have like I got to go make more money.
I got to go make more money.
I got to go try harder.
I got to wake up earlier, I gotto.
I don't get to sit down anymore.
You know, there's an there's anold husband saying that if you
want to get your wife'sattention, just look like you
have nothing to do.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Okay, cause then she'll be all over you.
I got a of stuff for you to do,right, where do I begin?
Speaker 2 (15:27):
just look like you're comfortable and you'll get your
wife's attention.
There's the old adage.
But so that's where the theanxiety comes from.
We talked about fear fear thatI'm not adequate enough to
provide, to support, to toaccomplish what I want to
accomplish, to provide thatsecurity that I want to provide
so that's where you know like we.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
We just dropped the communication plan yeah, the
playbook last month.
So, that's where that couldcome in, like if you're having
your finance talks, if you'rehaving your calendar talks then
you know the capacity of yourspouse and so therefore you're
not putting on them unnecessaryloads when you know
realistically that they're notable to be done or performed
(16:07):
well.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Right, right, and that to-do list used to help me
when we do to do list.
Yeah, and we'd keep it ummanageable for the week yes and
then we'd be able to say heylook, I got this, this and this
done for us honey yeah and itleave that anxiety for sure.
So that communication plan ishuge amen.
Well, I'm very sorry, and Idon't expect it to never happen
(16:28):
again like it's sure, natural.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
It's natural, but to know, to have it it to never
happen again Like it's natural.
It's natural, but to know tohave it and to to have a
conversation about it.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Allows us to see like there's a solution for it.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
And the solution has always been there.
So we just have to beconsistent in going to that
solution.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
I will take a silver lining and a grace moment here.
The silver lining is that a youfeel secure enough to ask me
for what you want, what you need, and open enough to voice that.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Yes, right, that's the silver lining, the.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
The grace point is that you know I love that.
You expect me to be able to doall these things and I don't
want you to stop.
I don't want you to feel likeyou can't ask for what you need
sometimes in my delusional wifemind.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I feel like you have a hidden pocket of money and
you're just like I'm just gonnadrop all these gifts on her at
random yeah and so I feel likeif I put stuff out there, I
again this is delusional becausewe go over every cent that
comes into this house, butsometimes I feel like he's got
money, he can do it, he canfigure it out, he can figure
(17:33):
this out.
And I have to be I have to beless the Lulu and more real
about and more genuine, knowingthat my husband is being honest
about what he's doing and hisdealings.
And I hear your heart I hearyour heart.
But um, the other thing youcould do is, instead of saying,
(17:53):
okay, you could just be likehoney, remember what we did back
here, you know instead ofgiving the false impression of
like okay, and I'm like okay,what, what does that mean?
Is he gonna try to figure itout?
Is he gonna work the numbersaround?
Is he gonna be able to get it?
Yeah like is there a cell thathe doesn't know about?
Is there?
Did he already plan it is?
It already in our garage, likewhere is it it's?
(18:13):
not in the garage so it's justlike, instead of writing it off
as like okay, okay, like allright, yes, you could be like
remember, what we talked about,this is what we have money for.
Let's save on that, or let'stalk about it in our next talk,
our next finance, and let's gofrom there.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
It's good it's real.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
So let's talk about the other form of anxiety, the
external kind.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
I thought we had to talk about some wife anxiety.
We haven't gotten to that, yetSame.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
thing.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this
episode, and right now we wantto just take a small minute to
introduce to you the latestthing that we created to help
you elevate your relationshipand take it to the next level.
It's called the Love by FaithPlaybook.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Every good coach knows they have to have winning
plays.
We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
the best winning plays andcreated strategies for you guys.
Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
together, how to be betterromantically, how to be better
family life.
We went through all thesedifferent areas from the
foundation series and put ittogether in a playbook.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
So grab your Love by Faith playbook today.
You can use the link in thedescription below, enter it, and
the good news about this isthat it is a living document, so
you download it one time andevery single month we're going
to be updating this document togive you fresh, new plays to
help you and your partner loveby faith and create a winning
(19:34):
season.
Go ahead and get your love byfaith playbook now, and let's
get back into this episode.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Well, I said I wanted to get into talking towards the
wife side.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
And you said it's related yes, well, it's not.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
All wives have the external anxiety some wives have
your kind okay where it's kindof internal.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
But for me, as your wife, yeah my anxiety was very
external when was the time I gotit right?
I was like dude.
That's exactly how I neededyour help, right there in this
anxious moment.
Man, oh man, set myself up forthis one, didn't I guys?
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I don't really know.
It's like for every panicattack that I recall you did
some things right.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
You did some things right.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
But those are extreme examples, just like a normal
example like a so last day today.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
See, that's the thing it's like my panic and my
anxiety, will build.
It will build and build andbuild and build and build until
it turned into an attack okayand to have a day-to-day to it.
It's it's almost contradicting,because it's like if you were to
help me on a day-to-day then Iwould not have had the attacks.
(21:00):
So, in the times where we wereable to diffuse it completely,
you come home from work and youimmediately say go upstairs and
you take care of the kids.
Now, granted, the kids breakinto my room and they're still
messing with me, but you atleast fight the kids off for me
so that I can have a rest and Icould take a break.
(21:22):
There were some days I thinklast year, this was one of my
goals where I said once a monthI was going to have like a total
self-care day where afterchurch, I was going to just lock
myself in my room and I wasgoing to have no affiliation
with kids whatsoever.
Because, as a stay-at-home mom,yes, you go and you work very
(21:43):
hard for us to provide for ourfamily, but a mother's job, she
doesn't have a turnoff, shedoesn't clock out, and so it
becomes just a day in and dayout job.
That is draining andoverstimulating in all of the
ways for you to just say okay,grab your snacks, grab your
(22:05):
phone here's an external chargerfor your phone, just go and
relax and do whatever it is thatyou need to do for the day.
I come out of that feeling veryrefreshed, very full.
My battery is charged, itdiffuses anxiety, so on a
day-to-day, those things kind ofhelp.
Last year I was struggling a lotwith summer vacations,
(22:27):
christmas vacations, springvacations, and I would always
feel the fear immediately.
It was just a post-traumaticstress response and what we did
last year at the end of summerwas you gave me a weekend away.
This was the very first time wedid this I was talking about it
for years where I was like Ijust need a weekend away and we
(22:51):
never could afford it with timeoff of work and we can never
afford it with financial.
It wasn't just an extra thingin the budget and so I took I
literally went like 15 minutesaway down the street into a
different city and I had anAirbnb and I just lived my life
(23:12):
for two days and you took careof the kids and that was so
healing for me to know that, a Ihad your support in that and, b
I was able to decompress and italso gave me the space to say
okay, I'm going to mentally andspiritually prepare for the
upcoming season, so that I don'tfall into an explosion all over
(23:36):
again.
And so those are some of thedaily, the weekly, or the daily,
the monthly and the seasonalways that you have, as my
partner, helped me get throughanxiety.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
I think of us coming together to establish our
communication plan.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
And do the weekly talks, yes, so that we're not
figuring out Tuesday's dinner onTuesday, we're not figuring out
Wednesday's dinner on Wednesday, we're not double booking or
missing up the schedule or notknowing what's going on because
we've already talked throughthat on whatever day of the week
, because it rotates.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
But we've talked through what the next seven days
looks like so that it doesn'tcatch us off guard and create
the anxiety of he didn't evenremember this.
She didn't even remember that,she didn't even care that I had
to watch the race on Sunday Likeshe didn't even know it was
happening, because we cametogether to talk about that and
at first that was really hardfor me to just stop and it's
(24:31):
funny, I don't like to stop.
To just stop and sit there andmake the plan out was so huge
for us.
And then I think about theother times when you told me to
just ask me these questions.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
What do I need?
What do I want?
How can you help?
Speaker 2 (24:51):
And sometimes the answer is you don't know, to all
three, like she'll say back toback to back I don't know, I
don't know, I don't know.
And to me that answer means goaway and give her space.
It means go away, it means thatthere's nothing that I'm going
to do that is going to fix this,and so I have to clear all the
other problems from around herso that she can figure out what
(25:12):
those answers are.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Sometimes it can just go back to baby needs.
You know, when we were raisingsmall babies, we understood by,
I think by the third one.
We really figured it out.
I'm sorry that it takes thatlong I'm sorry that it takes
that long.
Maybe you guys will get itsooner than we did.
But we figured out.
(25:34):
Okay.
This child is crying.
All it really needs is threethings Is it tired, is it hungry
or does it have gas?
That's right.
Okay, and if it's not one ofthose three things, then take
them to the hospital, because99% sure it's going to be one of
(25:54):
if your child cannot stopcrying.
It's one of those three things.
And so sometimes you just gotto go back to the basics, not
saying that I'm going to havegas, but like am I tired?
Give her rest.
Am I hungry?
Feed, give me a snack.
Give me a snack, her rest.
Am I hungry, feet?
Give me a snack.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
you know give me a snack um do I need space?
Speaker 1 (26:13):
it's because she's tired.
Yeah, is she cranky?
Speaker 2 (26:14):
she probably is malnourished wait, we'll go back
to the.
Does she have gas, like yousaid, for the baby?
Does she need a self-caremoment?
Does she need a?
Does she need a walk?
Does she need a treadmill time?
Does she need a, a yoga class?
Speaker 1 (26:26):
does she need to go out with some friends?
Does she just need a girl'sgirls?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
afternoon, like those are.
Those are the the quote-unquotegas yeah that that a grown-up
has yeah like and same thingwith you does he just need to go
fishing, yes, does he just needto go get some wings?
Does he need to?
Whatever?
Speaker 1 (26:43):
whatever thing is bike motorcycle that's what we
just saw, that's what wediscovered with you, because we
gave you a weekend too, you hada really hard season last year
and we were like we needsomething for Kyle, because Kyle
is always showing up, you arealways taking care of me.
I felt like it was almostunfair because I was like I know
(27:04):
I need it because I've beenthrough some mental stuff and
clearly it needs a lot ofattention, but not at your
expense.
Yeah, you know, and you can onlyhandle so much.
And so we gave you a weekend,to the point where we're like we
need to do this every singleyear.
And now, once we did our mastercalendar I think that's a
resource in January for you guysin the playbook, in the free
(27:27):
playbook when we did our mastercalendar, we realized, kyle, you
should take some PTO off justfor you, right, take some time
off so that you can have amorning where I'm not telling
you what to do, where we're notplanning things.
You can just do your own thing.
And we went and listed out whenyou can do that, so that you
(27:49):
had regular breaks.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Yeah, that helps me with the self-care, with
recovery, but that doesn't hitmy anxiety message, but it might
for you, okay, right.
And so my takeaway in this andthinking about this and
analyzing this, is that we hadto go through seasons where I
just tried to fix it for you onmy own, without considering what
(28:15):
do you really want, yes, rightand without just talking through
it to get to the root of theproblem, and I think the husband
screwed that up in that we jumpin to fix it.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
You want to jump into that tornado.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, I want to make the wind blow the other way so
that the tornado is gone Rightand doesn't hit you.
And so, yes, I think that'swhere we miss it and that we
learned through the time andthrough figuring each other out
that, hey, let's slow down.
Yes, all right, talk thisthrough, figure out what the
triggers are, what the questionsare, and and I don't have to
(28:52):
fix it, I don't have to fix itevery time.
Yes, it's not on me.
Yes, you know the questionsaren't.
What can I do?
What can I do to fix this?
It's what do you want?
First?
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
What do you need?
What do you need?
And then, thirdly, what can Ido to help?
Speaker 1 (29:09):
What can I do to help ?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
I'm not starting with .
What can I do to help?
Speaker 1 (29:12):
No.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Because that's overwhelming.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Sometimes you just need to know what do you need?
What?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
do you need?
Speaker 1 (29:16):
What do you need right now?
Right yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
And sometimes you know, Sometimes you just say I
need to eat, I need to just youknow, and that's that's huge,
and being vulnerable with yourpartner is.
I think that could be a bigchallenge for people is to just
say what's really going on.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
You have to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
And to label it.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Yes, you have to be transparent.
I really want to spend the lastcouple of moments here to talk
about the extremes.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
When I've had extreme panic attacks, when I couldn't
breathe, when I was cryinguncontrollably and you would
start to get scared, I rememberyou were like should I call the
doctor?
Should I call something?
What should I do?
How should I help with that?
I have a family who's a nurse Iwas going to call but still, it
(30:08):
was just like you didn't knowwhat to do because you were so
helpless.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Very.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
And I was in such a place where I couldn't stop it
Right and I think you know nowbeing on a healthier side of
that, you just being in the roomwith me.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Maybe praying.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Not necessarily telling me like get up, you're
gonna be fine.
Like get up and breathe here,get up.
And like not necessarily takingme out of it, because it's
really hard to take someone outof an attack when they're in the
attack.
Yeah, but just no.
I had the sense of knowing likehe's still there, he, I'm not
alone, like I'm going.
It's such a weird out-of-bodyexperience because I feel my
(30:54):
body reacting and I hear all ofthe things happening in my mind.
But I am also very conscious ofyou being in the room with me
and I'm still very conscious oflike God is here somewhere.
And it's like I'm franticallylooking for God in the midst of
that and I know he's heresomewhere.
(31:15):
But I feel your physicalpresence with me and it helps me
kind of get out of it.
It kind of helps me calm down alittle better.
And then you know there's along it's.
It's it's a very stretched outrecovery, at least for me when I
went through it.
(31:35):
Maybe people feel it different,but you know you go from this
extreme panic, crying, breathingsituation to now you're, you're
trying to regulate your bodyand your nervous system is
completely shot and you're,you're crying right.
You just have such a shock inyour body.
So, like now, I'm completelytired, I'm completely drained,
(31:55):
I'm exhausted, I'm my head, Ican't think.
I just feel like I'm mush atthis point.
And so what can a partner do inthat situation?
Like I said, praying over meand and being in the room
present with me.
You know if you have to takecare of kids, you know, do what
you have to do, but then, veryslowly and subtly, you start
(32:18):
what do you need?
You know, what do you want?
You know?
One time you gave me amelatonin gummy and that helped
me, but then I was exhausted.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Then you're ready for bed.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
I was ready for bed, and then you were just like okay
, well, let's move on, and I'mlike I it's time for a nap I
cannot move on like I'm stillhere in this space and I just I
just want to let people knowthat if your partner is
experiencing these extremeattacks they're, they're shot,
they're shot you can't expectyour partner to just pick up and
(32:50):
be like well, that was a thing,like well, that happened, like
let's turn the page you know,like that, that went down south
quick.
You know like we can't.
You know like what is the whatis the phrase like oh, that
escalated quickly like you can'texpect them to just then take
care of the kids, then makedinner, then continue on your
date.
(33:10):
Continuing your public outingLike this is a long drawn-out
thing, and so you have to beplease be very nurturing in this
time.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
And they might want to talk about it.
Maybe this is a greatopportunity to open that
transparency and be like In thedecompressing in the debrief in
the, in the low, in the lowerparts of it like after you've
had it and after they'restarting to calm down okay you
know what happened.
What do you think triggered it?
(33:41):
Yeah, you know, yeah, what.
What can I?
What can I do to help?
Speaker 2 (33:47):
what are we doing to avoid this next time?
Speaker 1 (33:49):
I wouldn't bring that part up until they're
completely recovered.
Because then you're making themthink and make decisions.
And again their brain is mush.
But to just simply recall oflike are you okay?
Do you want to explain?
You know where were you in thatmoment.
What did you feel in thatmoment?
(34:09):
Were there any thoughts in thatmoment?
You know what were you in thatmoment.
What did you feel in thatmoment, what were there any
thoughts in that moment?
You know what do you need rightnow?
Are you hungry, are you tired?
Do you need a shower?
Do you need to take the wholerest of the time off?
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You know, because they're they're maxed out,
they're completely done and youcan't just recover from that
easily, and I think that alsoadds to the anxiety is like we
think now we have to go back tonormal, but we're not normal,
and so having a spouse who cangive you the grace and show the
(34:44):
support, not necessarily throughwords but just in the presence,
that is very helpful.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
When you have done that, that was extremely helpful
to me in my times amen, glad tohelp, glad to be there and to
be, be the force for, for helpin those situations because it's
scary, as the other on theother side yeah because it's
just like she brought thehyperventilating pads out like
yeah what do I do?
And, yeah, I don't want to saytoo much, I don't want to say
(35:13):
too little, right, because bothof those could go the wrong way.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
And I think when you were saying, like, should I call
somebody?
Should I get help?
Selena, are you going to belike?
You kept throwing decisions atme that just like added to the
fuel at me, that just like addedto the fuel, because it's like
I can't, I'm, I'm, I'm in thisplace because I had too many
decisions to make and I gotoverwhelmed, you know.
So giving them as taking off asmuch of the load as possible,
(35:40):
would be helpful there you go.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
So we're getting to the end of the anxiety series.
Yes, what is your?
What's your closing arguments,closing statements for this.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
So my closing argument and statements would be
anxiety is real, absolutely.
People of strong faith can haveit.
I believe it's an attack.
I believe getting counsel orgetting medicated treatment can
help, it's not wrong.
But I also know that,ultimately, understanding that
(36:15):
this is an attack, and it couldbe an attack towards you
specifically, it could be anattack towards you and your
children.
It could be an attack towardsyou and your spouse and your
marriage.
But it is an attack becauseit's coming out of the mind and
we know that with God we canovercome any attacks of the
enemy, that there is no weaponformed against us that would
(36:36):
prosper, even the words and thelies of the enemy.
I think, being mindful of whereGod is in your life, being
transparent with your partnerparent, with your partner, and
really trying to use each otherto attack together, you know to
not just defend yourself fromthe attacks, but you can be
(36:58):
aggressive on the attacks.
Yes, you can be offensive andattack the attacks so that they
don't become so big that youfeel like you can't overtake
them, and I think using yourpartner in a safe and loving
space can help with that.
(37:19):
My last thing I want to say is,in order to get all of that out
and in order to overcome anxietyfor good, you have to come to
terms with acknowledging thatyou might be suffering from
anxiety.
To be stuck in a place ofdenial where you're not is never
going to help you overcome theproblem as a whole.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
So just, it's okay if you have it.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Right.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
There's a lot more people out there that experience
it.
You are not alone in that outthere that experience it.
You are not alone in that andChrist can help you with that,
as long as you are real withyourself and being mindful of
like this is an attack and Iwant to do something about it.
How about you?
Speaker 2 (38:01):
It takes time.
My closing is that it takestime to understand each other,
to understand how each other hasanxiety, because everybody has
anxiety everybody's worriedabout something how they look,
how they feel, how they live,yeah, how they have things.
The comparison game everyonehas it yes, like there's no, you
(38:21):
know, is it clinical?
Does it need a counselorSometimes, and that's okay.
That's not.
You know, a good Christiancounselor is a tool, is a helper
, is someone who is gifted byGod.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
It's a different part of the body.
To help the body be healthy.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Absolutely.
And creating the communicationplan, working through the
communication plan and reallyworking the communication plan
so that the intentions are known, that there's not unmet
expectations yes, cause that'swhere it starts and there's not
resentments.
Right, because you communicated, you planned, you got, you have
(39:01):
a plan in motion and you stickto it.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
It's on each of us to own sticking to the plan.
Yes, I know from experiencethat nothing to own sticking to
the plan.
Yes, I know from experiencethat nothing creates anxiety in
her worse than when I don'tstick to the plan or I audible
without fully telling her hey, Ichanged the plan a little bit.
Guys, I would super advisedon't be Mr Fix-It right away.
She'll tell you when she needsthat.
(39:25):
Don't be Mr Fix-It right away.
Ask the helpful when she needsthat.
Don't be mr fix it right away.
Ask the, ask the helpfulquestions.
What do you need?
What do you?
What do you really need?
What do you?
What do you want from me?
When you say that, right, likeyou just asked for a three
thousand dollar vacation, whatdo you want from me?
When you say stuff like that,am I supposed to just say you
know, yes, but not me.
(39:47):
Let me know, or am I supposedto you know?
So ask those kind of questionsLike what do you want from me?
When you say that We've talkedabout the budget, I can't do a
$3,000 vacation in this season,and so those are my closing
statements on this.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Well, there you have it, folks.
This is our series of anxiety.
We hope that you received fromit it that this minister to you.
We hope that God is using thisepisode to really speak to you
personally, in your heart,regarding these issues and how
your marriage can bestrengthened from these
experiences.
Why don't we go ahead and pray?
Speaker 2 (40:21):
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
I'm going to pray.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
You pray.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
Because you pray all the time.
I like to pray too.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Man of prayer.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Amen, laura, we thank you for putting this on our
hearts, to really speak about itopenly and honestly.
We know that your people aregetting attacked and that's the
best way to say it and we justwant to strengthen our faith and
(40:52):
our armor and our mindset.
You tell us in your scriptureshow to renew our mind and how to
put our helmet of salvation on.
You tell us how we haveauthority over these enemies,
and so we just speak life intothese marriages, into these
people, into their mindsets.
Lord, we pray for positivethings to come out of these
episodes, that they would havestrong discussions, that there
would be healing and restoration.
(41:12):
We pray, in the name of Jesus,that you would dismiss any kind
of anxious thought, worry orfear out of the mindset of the
people who are listening andwatching this episode.
And we just pray, father, god,that you would show us and train
us up on how to deliver us fromanxiety, lifestyle, thinking,
(41:36):
thoughts, fears or any kind ofthings that would take us away
from looking and keeping oursights and faith onto you as our
healer, as our protector and asour victorious overcomer.
That's right.
We give you glory and honor inJesus's name, amen.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Amen Amen.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
Thank you guys so much for watching Love by Faith
and listening.
If you are here on YouTube,please be sure to like, share,
subscribe.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, then please
give us a review.
Let us know that you enjoyed itand how it's helped you learn
how to love by faith.
You can also tap those fivestars and that will help other
people find us and learn how tolove by faith in their process
(42:17):
as well.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
That's right.
That's all you got to do.
Live by faith, love by faith,y'all.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
We'll see you next week.
Bye, bye, so vulnerable You'reso vulnerable that's what makes
us a good pair because, we'renot.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
We're not afraid to be vulnerable when we were at
home depot and the whole mulchthing happened and you seemed to
get overwhelmed.
Yes, how did I do at handlingthe anxiety there?
Great, was that a good one?
You bought me flowers.
Well, yeah, I bought youflowers, but, like in the in the
store, we were still in thestore.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
You were shutting down you didn't get it when we
were in the store.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
It wasn't until you know, I got it at the mulch
section when I was standing bythe car.
I mean you understood it, butyou didn't respond until I was
already in the car and then yourealized that was when I was
playing it safe, because Ididn't want to embarrass you in
the store in front of people andask you why are you?
shutting down, you know, becausethat makes it worse.
So that's where I waited, tillyou got in the car.
(43:21):
Just let you even, right whenwe got in the car I didn't ask
yeah, but that was our wholecommunication plan.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
We knew, knew.
We don't talk about this stuffin public.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
We wait till we're in a private place.
And then I told you what I wascommunicating is not what you
were doing, and I didn't knowhow else to communicate it to
you because it seemed like youweren't receiving what I was
telling you.
And so then when you got out ofthe car and you came back, like
you, your confidence, you know,like I said, women are very in
(43:57):
tune with having security.
And so when you came to thewindow of the car and I was
still in the car and you carriedyourself with confidence and
you were joking, and you werelike I'm going to get these
flowers here anyways, you know,even though I said I wasn't, but
she's telling me she wants them.
So I'm going to listen to her,you know, having the confidence
and then actually doing what Iwas saying the whole time, like
(44:19):
that helped me come back down.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Amen, there you go, thanks.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
Thanks for going through that thank you, I love
you love you too, man thank youfor listening to me sorry, I
wasn't fast enough for you it'sokay, we figured it out and
we're gonna keep figuring it outfor as long as you live yep, as
long as you live as long as youlive we will both continue to
(44:48):
learn.
That is our commitment to eachother.
I love you.
Speaker 2 (44:51):
Love you too.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
I gotta go.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Good, it's about time we gotta do something.
How partners can help each other through anxiety.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
I want to get out of that place.
So bad that I don't want tostop and sit there for any more
seconds than necessary.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
What happened?
What do you think triggered it?
What can I do to help?
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
A relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
You know, I remember I used tohave pink hair, yeah, and my
(01:00):
eyes are a little off on color,right.
Okay, like I could see color,but it's weird.
Right and I didn't realize, butit's weird, right, and I didn't
realize how pink your hair was.
Yeah, until I look back at oldphotos.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
And then I could see it better in the photos than in
real life at the time.
Yes, and so it's like whoa, herhair was that pink.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
I don't know what happened.
I sincerely don't know whathappened.
So I think when I originallygot it pink, it was like this
color, the color of my shirt.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, maybe a little brighter, a little brighter.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And then my stylist kept telling me go get the pink
that you want.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
And it's so hard to see and match the pinks and I
think at one point it becamelike a hot pink.
No-transcript cotton pinkstarted fading out into just
(02:14):
blonde, right and brown and wewere like, oh, that looks that.
Looks, that, looks amazing.
And then we just kind of keptit at the right, that's how you
look like now so now I'verebranded everything to get rid
of the pink.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Do you feel more comfortable now or more
comfortable in the pink?
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It was an era.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Okay, so you were comfortable then, yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Like you know, you get the short hair era the pink
era.
I've completely grown out of myold brand.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
I've completely grown out of the pink hair so it's
part of part of the brand, butthe brand was an offshoot of you
yes, uh, yeah, that's what itshould be.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
That's what love by faith is.
It's it's very clean, it's veryum.
I I always use eucalyptus,because I use it as like a a
beautiful um evergreen kind ofleaf that is calming healing,
healing.
Yeah, you know so the thebrowns kind of, I think guys
would not shy away from thecolor scheme yeah of the greens
(03:10):
and the blues and the neutralsit's good but at the same time,
like girls, can use it for avery calm and soothing I like
the way eucalyptus smells yeahthat's that's.
I enjoy eucalyptus yeah, that'slike a little something you know
, like how magnolia farms.
Not that I'm trying to be likeMagnolia.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
But like they always plant a Magnolia tree everywhere
they go.
So like eucalyptus would belike that symbol.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Their calling card, our calling card.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
To represent loving by faith.
The wet bandits or the stickybandits, depending on when
you're watching.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
So welcome to Love by Faith.
This is our last episode in theanxiety series that we've been
doing.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Get me out of here, I know.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
It's been very revealing and very transparent,
and we wanted to end this seriesby talking specifically on how
partners can help each otherthrough anxiety.
Okay, so I know we've talkedabout our individual struggles.
We talked about how anxiety asa whole really can attack
(04:16):
marriages.
Kyle, what do you have to sayabout how I, as your partner,
can help you with your anxiety?
when you have it, I feel likesometimes it's really hard to
read you on when you're anxious.
(04:38):
Okay, but you talked about thisin earlier episodes where you
said you hold it in.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Definitely internalize it and so it's
really hard to read you yeah, Iuh definitely go by the never
let him see you sweatmethodology.
That is the biggest flex youcan ever have never, but it's
not if you're internalizing itand I'm not letting my wife see
my weaknesses.
Yes, it's blocking her fromhelping me in the way God's
called her to to be my helper.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
And so I think to when you get it right, when you
get it right with me.
You see it, we're trying toleave the house, trying to get
these kids together.
We're trying to do this and you, whether I like it or not,
whether I receive it or notbecause a lot of times I don't
receive it when you slow me downand I'm like go, go, go mode
(05:35):
I'm on level seven, speed out of10, and you're like Kyle, stop,
and you make me breathe and Iget so mad and it drives me nuts
.
I get.
I don't want to breathe rightnow and I will say that to you
and I know you know exactly whatI'm talking about and it helps.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
I don't receive it at the time.
Listen, I don't receive it atthe time.
You're rolling your eyes.
I know I'm not rolling my eyes.
My eyes are shut.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Shut.
They were open.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
They'd be looking behind you From a body language
that would make you feel likewhat you're saying is not valid.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
No.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
I don't need you to validate this.
I'm admitting my fault here andthat I don't receive it when
you try to calm me down.
You're bringing up a veryinteresting point, because we
all go through this and whatwe're going through is our
partner doesn't want to receivethe slowdown and so a lot of the
times it triggers me.
And now we're both triggered,you know, because I see you, I
(06:33):
see you getting there and I seeyou all over the place and your
body language is showing it,your tonality is showing it, the
way you're talking to kids isshowing it.
So I do try to show you.
Slow you down, because I'm likelet me give him some of this
energy and transfer it over andhe can transfer some of his back
.
and that's exactly what happens.
(06:53):
Because you push me away, you,um, you dismiss me.
You say I don't want this rightnow.
I just you want to stay in thatmoment.
And sometimes, if I'm notcareful, I will take that and I
will immediately feel the fleshin me, want to clap back, want
(07:17):
to leave you hanging, want to belike fine, go, go ahead and
fall.
Let's see you fall again.
I have to really restrict myself, and that's not just with you,
like that's what, I'm surethat's with me as well, like
anybody who is in this anxietyplace and they feel like it's so
strong and they are justpushing away.
You're, you're pushing the helpaway.
(07:37):
You know, to me that's veryhard for a partner to stand firm
.
That's very hard for a partnerto stand firm in being calm and
stand firm in the peace place tohelp them regroup and slow down
.
Because there are times whenyou're like, no, I don't want
this and I'm like what?
Go ahead and do it.
Then let's see what happens.
(07:58):
It's true, you know, sometimeswhat is that saying?
It's the old husband-wifesaying where it's like, um, oh,
I don't remember, but the wifeis like if the husband doesn't
want the wife's help, then youstep away and let god hit them
with the two by four.
So I don't know, I don't knowthe name of it, but like
sometimes you can do only somuch and then you have to step
away and just let the holyspirit, like, show him
(08:21):
absolutely absolutely what wereyou gonna say?
you were saying no you don'twant to get out of that place
right, but it's.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
That's what.
That's wrong.
I want to get out of that place.
So bad that I don't want tostop and sit there and for any
more seconds than than necessaryso you think bulldozing through
the anxiety is how you will getout of the anxiety.
Yes, get to the next step.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
Where I'm saying let's pull you out of the
anxiety and let it just go pastyou.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
And it compounds the situation because I'm stopped
when, if I'm stopped, nothing isgetting better.
But you're saying, stop to getit better, yes, and so it's
always, always, always, whichway works?
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Nothing is getting better, but you're saying stop
to get it better.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Yes, and so it's always, always, always which way
works.
I always come back to.
You were right.
That was probably better.
The outcome could have beenbetter.
Like sure, I'll get it done,but could I have got it done
better, more effectively, morethoroughly if I would have
closed my mouth and listened toyou for a second, close my mouth
and listen to you for a second,stop my feet, listen to you for
a second.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Yes.
You know, Because when you'regoing through that tornado,
you're not realizing what you'remissing, what you're
overlooking.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
All the things it makes me think like a code word,
Like instead of Omaha we have adifferent code word.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Tell the people what Omaha means now.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
So Omaha came out of Ted Lasso.
We watched Ted Lasso.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
We talked about this in other episodes.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
They do.
Oklahoma, for when you need totell the truth, yes, well, omaha
, for us is when we need to stopprocrastinating and just get
something done.
Yes, omaha, selena.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
It's not just from Ted Lasso, it's also from uh
omaha, from the football playerright, okay, omaha.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
From peyton manning, when he would say omaha because
like let's start to play.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah, let's start to play so it's a little both, but
okay, so we need a code word soI think, yeah, an anxiety code
word could help.
Let's work through this withour people right what should our
code word be when kylespecifically?
Okay is going through ananxiety rush and he's trying to
go through it rather than letstep out of it and let it go
(10:36):
past I like that what word wouldclick for you?
Because I could say any.
I could say cheeseburger.
You're gonna be like what theheck are you talking about?
Speaker 2 (10:45):
no, I don't want a cheeseburger right now, I guess
what comes to mind.
For you, what comes to mind islike geronimo geronimo right
because you want me to remembergeronimo because it's like, I
think of that as like what yousay before you jump out of the
plane like that's what you saybefore you jump out of the plane
, like really, geronimo.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Have you ever jumped out of the plane?
But I feel like that's youthink that's where I get it from
, that's what I equate it to.
So you want me to say Geronimo.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Geronimo, yeah, that would tell me to slow down.
Okay, let this anxiety pass,we're going to try it.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
We're going to try it this Sunday.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
I don't receive you speaking, that I'm going to have
an anxious moment on Sunday.
Speaker 1 (11:26):
No, we're going to have a peaceful Sunday.
That's right, we're going tohave a good Sunday.
I speak life, over oursituation, yes, and I speak like
over your anxiety.
I'm going fishing this Sunday.
Yes, okay, yes, you're goingfishing.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Can't be any anxiety there.
Every man's dream to go fishing.
No anxiety there.
Okay, I'm not getting into that.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, so we will test this out and we will report
back to you guys.
If you are listening and if youguys have a word that you guys
use that might be a littlebetter than a four syllable word
, geronimo, then go ahead.
I had to double check myself,so I didn't have to edit it out.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Go ahead and share with us what word would work for
you.
Now, this is just for Kyle,because there's a very specific
type of anxiety that Kyle goesthrough that is very different
from what Selena goes through,and so I feel like there's
different ways.
Everybody experiences anxietydifferent, and so there's
(12:26):
different ways, but for you thatwould help.
One thing that you said in thelast episode that I really want
to address it's been on my heartfor a whole week is you said
that sometimes I am the one thatbrings out your anxiety.
Why are you laughing?
I'm so serious.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Keep going.
No, because my wife makes meanxious.
I'm sure no guy has ever gonethrough that.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Okay, but I want to say, like I.
So you were being veryvulnerable in that moment and
then I raised your vulnerablewith my vulnerable and I said am
I the cause of it?
And you said yes, and I justwant to say, like I don't, I did
not take that lightly, I was.
I was lightweight, convicted,and it's not that I'm doing it
on purpose, but I want toapologize because I never want
(13:10):
to be the stem of something thatwould bring you to that mental
state and so I am sorry for thatand I don't know if it's going
to be done and I'm never goingto do it again because again,
I'm not doing it intentionally,but to bring awareness to it and
to be mindful of it.
(13:31):
I just want to say I'm sorrythat I would bring you to that
place.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I fully accept your apology.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
And I think there are couples out there who don't
realize it Absolutely.
Maybe having that conversationof you do do this to me, you do
do get me here, and I don't knowif that would bring out the
person, the other partner, beingdefensive or feeling convicted
or something, but I think it'sgood to have a safe space where
(14:01):
we can talk about that, becauseif 99 of your problems is coming
from your spouse, then thatneeds to be addressed.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
Well, that percentage isn't that high.
It's not that high.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
No.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
But maybe 25?
Do you want to know something?
Speaker 1 (14:18):
I just saw a post that said studies show that
women get more anxiety fromtheir husbands than from
children.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Interesting I don't want to rush past this what you
said first before the moreanxiety from their husbands than
from children.
Interesting I don't want torush past this what you said
first before the more anxietyfrom their husband.
Then you brought up thatsometimes my anxiety comes from
you.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
And in those moments I think of.
I think of times when you'reasking me for more than I can
provide, so where I feelinadequate as a provider, where
you're asking for.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
You mean like a honey do list or a what yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Honey do list, honey buy lists.
You know we need this, we needthat, I want to do this and that
, and it's like our paychecksonly go so far.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
And then I have like I got to go make more money.
I got to go make more money.
I got to go try harder.
I got to wake up earlier, I gotto.
I don't get to sit down anymore.
You know, there's an there's anold husband saying that if you
want to get your wife'sattention, just look like you
have nothing to do.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Okay, cause then she'll be all over you.
I got a of stuff for you to do,right, where do I begin?
Speaker 2 (15:27):
just look like you're comfortable and you'll get your
wife's attention.
There's the old adage.
But so that's where the theanxiety comes from.
We talked about fear fear thatI'm not adequate enough to
provide, to support, to toaccomplish what I want to
accomplish, to provide thatsecurity that I want to provide
so that's where you know like we.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
We just dropped the communication plan yeah, the
playbook last month.
So, that's where that couldcome in, like if you're having
your finance talks, if you'rehaving your calendar talks then
you know the capacity of yourspouse and so therefore you're
not putting on them unnecessaryloads when you know
realistically that they're notable to be done or performed
(16:07):
well.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Right, right, and that to-do list used to help me
when we do to do list.
Yeah, and we'd keep it ummanageable for the week yes and
then we'd be able to say heylook, I got this, this and this
done for us honey yeah and itleave that anxiety for sure.
So that communication plan ishuge amen.
Well, I'm very sorry, and Idon't expect it to never happen
(16:28):
again like it's sure, natural.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
It's natural, but to know, to have it it to never
happen again Like it's natural.
It's natural, but to know tohave it and to to have a
conversation about it.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Allows us to see like there's a solution for it.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
And the solution has always been there.
So we just have to beconsistent in going to that
solution.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
I will take a silver lining and a grace moment here.
The silver lining is that a youfeel secure enough to ask me
for what you want, what you need, and open enough to voice that.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
Yes, right, that's the silver lining, the.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
The grace point is that you know I love that.
You expect me to be able to doall these things and I don't
want you to stop.
I don't want you to feel likeyou can't ask for what you need
sometimes in my delusional wifemind.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
I feel like you have a hidden pocket of money and
you're just like I'm just gonnadrop all these gifts on her at
random yeah and so I feel likeif I put stuff out there, I
again this is delusional becausewe go over every cent that
comes into this house, butsometimes I feel like he's got
money, he can do it, he canfigure it out, he can figure
(17:33):
this out.
And I have to be I have to beless the Lulu and more real
about and more genuine, knowingthat my husband is being honest
about what he's doing and hisdealings.
And I hear your heart I hearyour heart.
But um, the other thing youcould do is, instead of saying,
(17:53):
okay, you could just be likehoney, remember what we did back
here, you know instead ofgiving the false impression of
like okay, and I'm like okay,what, what does that mean?
Is he gonna try to figure itout?
Is he gonna work the numbersaround?
Is he gonna be able to get it?
Yeah like is there a cell thathe doesn't know about?
Is there?
Did he already plan it is?
It already in our garage, likewhere is it it's?
(18:13):
not in the garage so it's justlike, instead of writing it off
as like okay, okay, like allright, yes, you could be like
remember, what we talked about,this is what we have money for.
Let's save on that, or let'stalk about it in our next talk,
our next finance, and let's gofrom there.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
It's good it's real.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
So let's talk about the other form of anxiety, the
external kind.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
I thought we had to talk about some wife anxiety.
We haven't gotten to that, yetSame.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
thing.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this
episode, and right now we wantto just take a small minute to
introduce to you the latestthing that we created to help
you elevate your relationshipand take it to the next level.
It's called the Love by FaithPlaybook.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Every good coach knows they have to have winning
plays.
We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
the best winning plays andcreated strategies for you guys.
Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
together, how to be betterromantically, how to be better
family life.
We went through all thesedifferent areas from the
foundation series and put ittogether in a playbook.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
So grab your Love by Faith playbook today.
You can use the link in thedescription below, enter it, and
the good news about this isthat it is a living document, so
you download it one time andevery single month we're going
to be updating this document togive you fresh, new plays to
help you and your partner loveby faith and create a winning
(19:34):
season.
Go ahead and get your love byfaith playbook now, and let's
get back into this episode.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Well, I said I wanted to get into talking towards the
wife side.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
And you said it's related yes, well, it's not.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
All wives have the external anxiety some wives have
your kind okay where it's kindof internal.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
But for me, as your wife, yeah my anxiety was very
external when was the time I gotit right?
I was like dude.
That's exactly how I neededyour help, right there in this
anxious moment.
Man, oh man, set myself up forthis one, didn't I guys?
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I don't really know.
It's like for every panicattack that I recall you did
some things right.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
You did some things right.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
But those are extreme examples, just like a normal
example like a so last day today.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
See, that's the thing it's like my panic and my
anxiety, will build.
It will build and build andbuild and build and build until
it turned into an attack okayand to have a day-to-day to it.
It's it's almost contradicting,because it's like if you were to
help me on a day-to-day then Iwould not have had the attacks.
(21:00):
So, in the times where we wereable to diffuse it completely,
you come home from work and youimmediately say go upstairs and
you take care of the kids.
Now, granted, the kids breakinto my room and they're still
messing with me, but you atleast fight the kids off for me
so that I can have a rest and Icould take a break.
(21:22):
There were some days I thinklast year, this was one of my
goals where I said once a monthI was going to have like a total
self-care day where afterchurch, I was going to just lock
myself in my room and I wasgoing to have no affiliation
with kids whatsoever.
Because, as a stay-at-home mom,yes, you go and you work very
(21:43):
hard for us to provide for ourfamily, but a mother's job, she
doesn't have a turnoff, shedoesn't clock out, and so it
becomes just a day in and dayout job.
That is draining andoverstimulating in all of the
ways for you to just say okay,grab your snacks, grab your
(22:05):
phone here's an external chargerfor your phone, just go and
relax and do whatever it is thatyou need to do for the day.
I come out of that feeling veryrefreshed, very full.
My battery is charged, itdiffuses anxiety, so on a
day-to-day, those things kind ofhelp.
Last year I was struggling a lotwith summer vacations,
(22:27):
christmas vacations, springvacations, and I would always
feel the fear immediately.
It was just a post-traumaticstress response and what we did
last year at the end of summerwas you gave me a weekend away.
This was the very first time wedid this I was talking about it
for years where I was like Ijust need a weekend away and we
(22:51):
never could afford it with timeoff of work and we can never
afford it with financial.
It wasn't just an extra thingin the budget and so I took I
literally went like 15 minutesaway down the street into a
different city and I had anAirbnb and I just lived my life
(23:12):
for two days and you took careof the kids and that was so
healing for me to know that, a Ihad your support in that and, b
I was able to decompress and italso gave me the space to say
okay, I'm going to mentally andspiritually prepare for the
upcoming season, so that I don'tfall into an explosion all over
(23:36):
again.
And so those are some of thedaily, the weekly, or the daily,
the monthly and the seasonalways that you have, as my
partner, helped me get throughanxiety.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
I think of us coming together to establish our
communication plan.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
And do the weekly talks, yes, so that we're not
figuring out Tuesday's dinner onTuesday, we're not figuring out
Wednesday's dinner on Wednesday, we're not double booking or
missing up the schedule or notknowing what's going on because
we've already talked throughthat on whatever day of the week
, because it rotates.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
But we've talked through what the next seven days
looks like so that it doesn'tcatch us off guard and create
the anxiety of he didn't evenremember this.
She didn't even remember that,she didn't even care that I had
to watch the race on Sunday Likeshe didn't even know it was
happening, because we cametogether to talk about that and
at first that was really hardfor me to just stop and it's
(24:31):
funny, I don't like to stop.
To just stop and sit there andmake the plan out was so huge
for us.
And then I think about theother times when you told me to
just ask me these questions.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
What do I need?
What do I want?
How can you help?
Speaker 2 (24:51):
And sometimes the answer is you don't know, to all
three, like she'll say back toback to back I don't know, I
don't know, I don't know.
And to me that answer means goaway and give her space.
It means go away, it means thatthere's nothing that I'm going
to do that is going to fix this,and so I have to clear all the
other problems from around herso that she can figure out what
(25:12):
those answers are.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Sometimes it can just go back to baby needs.
You know, when we were raisingsmall babies, we understood by,
I think by the third one.
We really figured it out.
I'm sorry that it takes thatlong I'm sorry that it takes
that long.
Maybe you guys will get itsooner than we did.
But we figured out.
(25:34):
Okay.
This child is crying.
All it really needs is threethings Is it tired, is it hungry
or does it have gas?
That's right.
Okay, and if it's not one ofthose three things, then take
them to the hospital, because99% sure it's going to be one of
(25:54):
if your child cannot stopcrying.
It's one of those three things.
And so sometimes you just gotto go back to the basics, not
saying that I'm going to havegas, but like am I tired?
Give her rest.
Am I hungry?
Feed, give me a snack.
Give me a snack, her rest.
Am I hungry, feet?
Give me a snack.
Speaker 2 (26:12):
you know give me a snack um do I need space?
Speaker 1 (26:13):
it's because she's tired.
Yeah, is she cranky?
Speaker 2 (26:14):
she probably is malnourished wait, we'll go back
to the.
Does she have gas, like yousaid, for the baby?
Does she need a self-caremoment?
Does she need a?
Does she need a walk?
Does she need a treadmill time?
Does she need a, a yoga class?
Speaker 1 (26:26):
does she need to go out with some friends?
Does she just need a girl'sgirls?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
afternoon, like those are.
Those are the the quote-unquotegas yeah that that a grown-up
has yeah like and same thingwith you does he just need to go
fishing, yes, does he just needto go get some wings?
Does he need to?
Whatever?
Speaker 1 (26:43):
whatever thing is bike motorcycle that's what we
just saw, that's what wediscovered with you, because we
gave you a weekend too, you hada really hard season last year
and we were like we needsomething for Kyle, because Kyle
is always showing up, you arealways taking care of me.
I felt like it was almostunfair because I was like I know
(27:04):
I need it because I've beenthrough some mental stuff and
clearly it needs a lot ofattention, but not at your
expense.
Yeah, you know, and you can onlyhandle so much.
And so we gave you a weekend,to the point where we're like we
need to do this every singleyear.
And now, once we did our mastercalendar I think that's a
resource in January for you guysin the playbook, in the free
(27:27):
playbook when we did our mastercalendar, we realized, kyle, you
should take some PTO off justfor you, right, take some time
off so that you can have amorning where I'm not telling
you what to do, where we're notplanning things.
You can just do your own thing.
And we went and listed out whenyou can do that, so that you
(27:49):
had regular breaks.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Yeah, that helps me with the self-care, with
recovery, but that doesn't hitmy anxiety message, but it might
for you, okay, right.
And so my takeaway in this andthinking about this and
analyzing this, is that we hadto go through seasons where I
just tried to fix it for you onmy own, without considering what
(28:15):
do you really want, yes, rightand without just talking through
it to get to the root of theproblem, and I think the husband
screwed that up in that we jumpin to fix it.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
You want to jump into that tornado.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, I want to make the wind blow the other way so
that the tornado is gone Rightand doesn't hit you.
And so, yes, I think that'swhere we miss it and that we
learned through the time andthrough figuring each other out
that, hey, let's slow down.
Yes, all right, talk thisthrough, figure out what the
triggers are, what the questionsare, and and I don't have to
(28:52):
fix it, I don't have to fix itevery time.
Yes, it's not on me.
Yes, you know the questionsaren't.
What can I do?
What can I do to fix this?
It's what do you want?
First?
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
What do you need?
What do you need?
And then, thirdly, what can Ido to help?
Speaker 1 (29:09):
What can I do to help ?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
I'm not starting with .
What can I do to help?
Speaker 1 (29:12):
No.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Because that's overwhelming.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Sometimes you just need to know what do you need?
What?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
do you need?
Speaker 1 (29:16):
What do you need right now?
Right yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
And sometimes you know, Sometimes you just say I
need to eat, I need to just youknow, and that's that's huge,
and being vulnerable with yourpartner is.
I think that could be a bigchallenge for people is to just
say what's really going on.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
You have to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
And to label it.
Speaker 1 (29:38):
Yes, you have to be transparent.
I really want to spend the lastcouple of moments here to talk
about the extremes.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
When I've had extreme panic attacks, when I couldn't
breathe, when I was cryinguncontrollably and you would
start to get scared, I rememberyou were like should I call the
doctor?
Should I call something?
What should I do?
How should I help with that?
I have a family who's a nurse Iwas going to call but still, it
(30:08):
was just like you didn't knowwhat to do because you were so
helpless.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
Very.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
And I was in such a place where I couldn't stop it
Right and I think you know nowbeing on a healthier side of
that, you just being in the roomwith me.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Maybe praying.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Not necessarily telling me like get up, you're
gonna be fine.
Like get up and breathe here,get up.
And like not necessarily takingme out of it, because it's
really hard to take someone outof an attack when they're in the
attack.
Yeah, but just no.
I had the sense of knowing likehe's still there, he, I'm not
alone, like I'm going.
It's such a weird out-of-bodyexperience because I feel my
(30:54):
body reacting and I hear all ofthe things happening in my mind.
But I am also very conscious ofyou being in the room with me
and I'm still very conscious oflike God is here somewhere.
And it's like I'm franticallylooking for God in the midst of
that and I know he's heresomewhere.
(31:15):
But I feel your physicalpresence with me and it helps me
kind of get out of it.
It kind of helps me calm down alittle better.
And then you know there's along it's.
It's it's a very stretched outrecovery, at least for me when I
went through it.
(31:35):
Maybe people feel it different,but you know you go from this
extreme panic, crying, breathingsituation to now you're, you're
trying to regulate your bodyand your nervous system is
completely shot and you're,you're crying right.
You just have such a shock inyour body.
So, like now, I'm completelytired, I'm completely drained,
(31:55):
I'm exhausted, I'm my head, Ican't think.
I just feel like I'm mush atthis point.
And so what can a partner do inthat situation?
Like I said, praying over meand and being in the room
present with me.
You know if you have to takecare of kids, you know, do what
you have to do, but then, veryslowly and subtly, you start
(32:18):
what do you need?
You know, what do you want?
You know?
One time you gave me amelatonin gummy and that helped
me, but then I was exhausted.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Then you're ready for bed.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
I was ready for bed, and then you were just like okay
, well, let's move on, and I'mlike I it's time for a nap I
cannot move on like I'm stillhere in this space and I just I
just want to let people knowthat if your partner is
experiencing these extremeattacks they're, they're shot,
they're shot you can't expectyour partner to just pick up and
(32:50):
be like well, that was a thing,like well, that happened, like
let's turn the page you know,like that, that went down south
quick.
You know like we can't.
You know like what is the whatis the phrase like oh, that
escalated quickly like you can'texpect them to just then take
care of the kids, then makedinner, then continue on your
date.
(33:10):
Continuing your public outingLike this is a long drawn-out
thing, and so you have to beplease be very nurturing in this
time.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
And they might want to talk about it.
Maybe this is a greatopportunity to open that
transparency and be like In thedecompressing in the debrief in
the, in the low, in the lowerparts of it like after you've
had it and after they'restarting to calm down okay you
know what happened.
What do you think triggered it?
(33:41):
Yeah, you know, yeah, what.
What can I?
What can I do to help?
Speaker 2 (33:47):
what are we doing to avoid this next time?
Speaker 1 (33:49):
I wouldn't bring that part up until they're
completely recovered.
Because then you're making themthink and make decisions.
And again their brain is mush.
But to just simply recall oflike are you okay?
Do you want to explain?
You know where were you in thatmoment.
What did you feel in thatmoment?
(34:09):
Were there any thoughts in thatmoment?
You know what were you in thatmoment.
What did you feel in thatmoment, what were there any
thoughts in that moment?
You know what do you need rightnow?
Are you hungry, are you tired?
Do you need a shower?
Do you need to take the wholerest of the time off?
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You know, because they're they're maxed out,
they're completely done and youcan't just recover from that
easily, and I think that alsoadds to the anxiety is like we
think now we have to go back tonormal, but we're not normal,
and so having a spouse who cangive you the grace and show the
(34:44):
support, not necessarily throughwords but just in the presence,
that is very helpful.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
When you have done that, that was extremely helpful
to me in my times amen, glad tohelp, glad to be there and to
be, be the force for, for helpin those situations because it's
scary, as the other on theother side yeah because it's
just like she brought thehyperventilating pads out like
yeah what do I do?
And, yeah, I don't want to saytoo much, I don't want to say
(35:13):
too little, right, because bothof those could go the wrong way.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
And I think when you were saying, like, should I call
somebody?
Should I get help?
Selena, are you going to belike?
You kept throwing decisions atme that just like added to the
fuel at me, that just like addedto the fuel, because it's like
I can't, I'm, I'm, I'm in thisplace because I had too many
decisions to make and I gotoverwhelmed, you know.
So giving them as taking off asmuch of the load as possible,
(35:40):
would be helpful there you go.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
So we're getting to the end of the anxiety series.
Yes, what is your?
What's your closing arguments,closing statements for this.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
So my closing argument and statements would be
anxiety is real, absolutely.
People of strong faith can haveit.
I believe it's an attack.
I believe getting counsel orgetting medicated treatment can
help, it's not wrong.
But I also know that,ultimately, understanding that
(36:15):
this is an attack, and it couldbe an attack towards you
specifically, it could be anattack towards you and your
children.
It could be an attack towardsyou and your spouse and your
marriage.
But it is an attack becauseit's coming out of the mind and
we know that with God we canovercome any attacks of the
enemy, that there is no weaponformed against us that would
(36:36):
prosper, even the words and thelies of the enemy.
I think, being mindful of whereGod is in your life, being
transparent with your partnerparent, with your partner, and
really trying to use each otherto attack together, you know to
not just defend yourself fromthe attacks, but you can be
(36:58):
aggressive on the attacks.
Yes, you can be offensive andattack the attacks so that they
don't become so big that youfeel like you can't overtake
them, and I think using yourpartner in a safe and loving
space can help with that.
(37:19):
My last thing I want to say is,in order to get all of that out
and in order to overcome anxietyfor good, you have to come to
terms with acknowledging thatyou might be suffering from
anxiety.
To be stuck in a place ofdenial where you're not is never
going to help you overcome theproblem as a whole.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
So just, it's okay if you have it.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Right.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
There's a lot more people out there that experience
it.
You are not alone in that outthere that experience it.
You are not alone in that andChrist can help you with that,
as long as you are real withyourself and being mindful of
like this is an attack and Iwant to do something about it.
How about you?
Speaker 2 (38:01):
It takes time.
My closing is that it takestime to understand each other,
to understand how each other hasanxiety, because everybody has
anxiety everybody's worriedabout something how they look,
how they feel, how they live,yeah, how they have things.
The comparison game everyonehas it yes, like there's no, you
(38:21):
know, is it clinical?
Does it need a counselorSometimes, and that's okay.
That's not.
You know, a good Christiancounselor is a tool, is a helper
, is someone who is gifted byGod.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
It's a different part of the body.
To help the body be healthy.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Absolutely.
And creating the communicationplan, working through the
communication plan and reallyworking the communication plan
so that the intentions are known, that there's not unmet
expectations yes, cause that'swhere it starts and there's not
resentments.
Right, because you communicated, you planned, you got, you have
(39:01):
a plan in motion and you stickto it.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
It's on each of us to own sticking to the plan.
Yes, I know from experiencethat nothing to own sticking to
the plan.
Yes, I know from experiencethat nothing creates anxiety in
her worse than when I don'tstick to the plan or I audible
without fully telling her hey, Ichanged the plan a little bit.
Guys, I would super advisedon't be Mr Fix-It right away.
She'll tell you when she needsthat.
(39:25):
Don't be Mr Fix-It right away.
Ask the helpful when she needsthat.
Don't be mr fix it right away.
Ask the, ask the helpfulquestions.
What do you need?
What do you?
What do you really need?
What do you?
What do you want from me?
When you say that, right, likeyou just asked for a three
thousand dollar vacation, whatdo you want from me?
When you say stuff like that,am I supposed to just say you
know, yes, but not me.
(39:47):
Let me know, or am I supposedto you know?
So ask those kind of questionsLike what do you want from me?
When you say that We've talkedabout the budget, I can't do a
$3,000 vacation in this season,and so those are my closing
statements on this.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Well, there you have it, folks.
This is our series of anxiety.
We hope that you received fromit it that this minister to you.
We hope that God is using thisepisode to really speak to you
personally, in your heart,regarding these issues and how
your marriage can bestrengthened from these
experiences.
Why don't we go ahead and pray?
Speaker 2 (40:21):
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
I'm going to pray.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
You pray.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
Because you pray all the time.
I like to pray too.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
Man of prayer.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Amen, laura, we thank you for putting this on our
hearts, to really speak about itopenly and honestly.
We know that your people aregetting attacked and that's the
best way to say it and we justwant to strengthen our faith and
(40:52):
our armor and our mindset.
You tell us in your scriptureshow to renew our mind and how to
put our helmet of salvation on.
You tell us how we haveauthority over these enemies,
and so we just speak life intothese marriages, into these
people, into their mindsets.
Lord, we pray for positivethings to come out of these
episodes, that they would havestrong discussions, that there
would be healing and restoration.
(41:12):
We pray, in the name of Jesus,that you would dismiss any kind
of anxious thought, worry orfear out of the mindset of the
people who are listening andwatching this episode.
And we just pray, father, god,that you would show us and train
us up on how to deliver us fromanxiety, lifestyle, thinking,
(41:36):
thoughts, fears or any kind ofthings that would take us away
from looking and keeping oursights and faith onto you as our
healer, as our protector and asour victorious overcomer.
That's right.
We give you glory and honor inJesus's name, amen.
Speaker 2 (41:53):
Amen Amen.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
Thank you guys so much for watching Love by Faith
and listening.
If you are here on YouTube,please be sure to like, share,
subscribe.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, then please
give us a review.
Let us know that you enjoyed itand how it's helped you learn
how to love by faith.
You can also tap those fivestars and that will help other
people find us and learn how tolove by faith in their process
(42:17):
as well.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
That's right.
That's all you got to do.
Live by faith, love by faith,y'all.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
We'll see you next week.
Bye, bye, so vulnerable You'reso vulnerable that's what makes
us a good pair because, we'renot.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
We're not afraid to be vulnerable when we were at
home depot and the whole mulchthing happened and you seemed to
get overwhelmed.
Yes, how did I do at handlingthe anxiety there?
Great, was that a good one?
You bought me flowers.
Well, yeah, I bought youflowers, but, like in the in the
store, we were still in thestore.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
You were shutting down you didn't get it when we
were in the store.
Speaker 2 (42:58):
It wasn't until you know, I got it at the mulch
section when I was standing bythe car.
I mean you understood it, butyou didn't respond until I was
already in the car and then yourealized that was when I was
playing it safe, because Ididn't want to embarrass you in
the store in front of people andask you why are you?
shutting down, you know, becausethat makes it worse.
So that's where I waited, tillyou got in the car.
(43:21):
Just let you even, right whenwe got in the car I didn't ask
yeah, but that was our wholecommunication plan.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
We knew, knew.
We don't talk about this stuffin public.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
We wait till we're in a private place.
And then I told you what I wascommunicating is not what you
were doing, and I didn't knowhow else to communicate it to
you because it seemed like youweren't receiving what I was
telling you.
And so then when you got out ofthe car and you came back, like
you, your confidence, you know,like I said, women are very in
(43:57):
tune with having security.
And so when you came to thewindow of the car and I was
still in the car and you carriedyourself with confidence and
you were joking, and you werelike I'm going to get these
flowers here anyways, you know,even though I said I wasn't, but
she's telling me she wants them.
So I'm going to listen to her,you know, having the confidence
and then actually doing what Iwas saying the whole time, like
(44:19):
that helped me come back down.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Amen, there you go, thanks.
Speaker 1 (44:27):
Thanks for going through that thank you, I love
you love you too, man thank youfor listening to me sorry, I
wasn't fast enough for you it'sokay, we figured it out and
we're gonna keep figuring it outfor as long as you live yep, as
long as you live as long as youlive we will both continue to
(44:48):
learn.
That is our commitment to eachother.
I love you.
Speaker 2 (44:51):
Love you too.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
I gotta go.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Good, it's about time we gotta do something.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com