Anxiety manifests differently for men and women, affecting relationships in unique ways that require understanding and patience. In this episode, Kyle and Selina talk openly about what men and women are REALLY anxious about!
• Men often experience performance-based anxiety related to success, accomplishment, and providing
• Image anxiety affects men significantly, from caring about yard appearance to comparing themselves with peers
• Overcommitment and saying yes to everything can be a sign of building male anxiety
• Women frequently describe anxiety as a "slime" that spreads and attaches to everything
• Overstimulation from managing multiple needs simultaneously creates tornado-like anxiety for many women
• Security threats (emotional, financial, relational) trigger significant anxiety responses in women
• Partners often miss that fixing individual problems doesn't stop the anxiety "tornado"
• Helping your partner slow down and reset is more effective than trying to fix specific issues
• Speaking scripture and truth over anxious situations provides powerful relief
• Understanding the root cause of anxiety requires looking beyond surface triggers
Text us your anxiety experiences or questions - we'd love to hear your story and continue this important conversation next week as we explore how to get to the root of anxiety and move through those difficult moments.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What guys and girls worry and get anxious about.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm not saying this is individualized to guys, but
this is how I think a lot ofguys process this.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
So now you're having trust issues, insecurity issues.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
What do men really miss about their wife's anxiety?
Speaker 1 (00:14):
If any of those things are threatened, anxiety
starts to build.
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship, Arelationship and marriage that
has stood the test of time, anymeans, but by trusting in God we
learned what it takes to builda friendship, a relationship and
marriage that has stood thetest of time, with a Keeping it
Real style.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
We're going to talk to you about everything,
everything that we've beenthrough are going through and
have overcome all, by learninghow to lean on God and each
other in order to help you learnhow to love by faith.
I was listening to the newsthis morning news update Okay it
(01:02):
was probably on facebook orinstagram or something okay, and
they said that the weather wehad in may was like the last
couple weeks was similar averagetemperature to november yeah,
I'm wearing my thanksgivingsweater.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Yeah, funny, you should say that.
Yeah, I'm like, what am I gonnawear today?
And I, it's so cold.
I just want to be like cozy.
I don't think a snuggie isappropriate.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I'm going to wear my Thanksgiving sweater.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
So we're recording this the last week of May.
Yeah, and it's still 45 degreesoutside.
It's 45 degrees.
We haven't had a cold May likethis in years.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Years.
I don't think it was terrible.
That's funny.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I have a good icebreaker, I think.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Okay, while you're looking for it, I like to look
at the morning brew as the dailytop news headlines of the world
.
Basically, I love it because itfeels very millennial-led.
There's a lot of little-.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
It's laid back.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
It's laid back.
There's a lot of little it'slaid back.
It's a it's laid back.
There's a lot of little jokeshere and there, but at the same
time it's non-biased.
There's no kind of politicalstandpoint to any of what
they're telling you, and theyjust intelligent news too and
they give you a lot of reallygreat news.
So I I'm we're gonna link itfor you guys, in case you want
some, some daily news.
It's called the morning brewall right, I like that.
(02:25):
I look at, I browse it I think Itry to see it every day yeah
just to be on top of what'sgoing on okay, ready for the
icebreaker question yeah, what'sone thing that makes me you me
kyle irrationally anxious, butyou think it's no big deal the
grass, your grass, bro, you, youare.
(02:51):
I remember we were dating okayyou were dating and you were
living in like this bachelorhouse with like a ton of guys.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, okay, it was three.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Three other guys but there was always a lot of guys
there like it was just just likea bedroom house we had.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
it was like an animal house out there but we would go
to your house.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
It wasn't like animal house, but it was a lot of guys
, it was a frat house.
So we I would go over and visityou and spend time with you.
And one time I came and seenyou this livid before.
I think I get this from my dad.
(03:29):
He was all about it.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
And you were whispering.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
You were so mad that you were whispering, Because
when you get mad you whisper.
I'm the exact opposite, whichis why people think I'm crazy
and have a problem.
But you were whispering and youwere, like you said the p word.
Can I say the p word here?
pissed off yes, okay, it waslike that and I was like, oh,
like clutched my purses or mypearls.
(03:54):
I was like, oh my gosh.
He said the p word, like Ican't believe.
He said he was like they messed, they pissed me off, they, they
.
And I'm like, what did they do,kyle?
Like I'm with you, like let'sgo, what is what's wrong?
Like I'm ride or die, let's go.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
And you were like they cut the grass too short and
I'm like are you kidding mescalped it in like july august,
so it was burned up on the grassare?
Speaker 1 (04:17):
you kidding?
I was like it's just grass, bro.
So then when we bought our ownhouse, like the where you, where
the neighbor cuts, going overthe line, the bat, and I'm like,
do you have like the city mapto show the boundaries of where
the grass needs to be cut?
And then like the.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I guess I asked the vulnerable question here.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah are you getting mad now?
Are you feeling yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:40):
I'm keeping my composure, if you don't cut the
grass in time.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
If the grass grows too long, too fast, it's just
like always about the grass, andI'm just like bro, it's just
grass, it's just grass.
I'm afraid to ask you the samequestion because I feel like
you're going to pull out ascroll and it's just going to
roll all the way to the groundand you're like we're going to
begin at this point.
(05:04):
Santa's list and then, 40minutes later, like and now for
our last point.
So do you have something for me?
Speaker 2 (05:11):
do you want to do, you want to ask this question,
you want to say it in a way thatwill still be okay.
I don't know let me think yesokay, okay, you were vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
I'm gonna going to follow your lead, I'm going to
ask a question what is somethingthat I did where you saw, where
I was visibly emotional?
What is something?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
that you're rationally anxious about that, I
think, is no big deal.
Yes, I'm going to go easy.
Okay, I have two that I'mthinking of.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
I'm going to go with the easy one, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
The toys in the play area.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
What about them?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
You're always like this play area is a mess.
There's toys everywhere.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Okay, moms, if you know, you know Okay.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And I'm like it's just toys and it's the play area
.
They're going to pull them allout again in a little bit.
And it's isolated from our Idon't know our sitting areas
areas.
Yeah, it's like it's just thekid zone yeah, like, let them
have that how they want it okay,that's fair and then our one
son's desk, the artsy son withhis stuff everywhere.
(06:10):
Yes, his desk, like for me.
I'm just like let him be acreator and have a space.
Okay, those are two thingswhere I'm like, dude, you gotta
settle down I.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
I think both of those it's so interesting because
both of those spaces to me makesme anxious, because I see it as
mess and clutter, where you'reseeing it as play and
imagination and creativity.
But because it's mess andclutter I always feel I always
get this fear of like my kidsare going to be raised to think
(06:42):
that being messy and sloppy isokay, and so I get this like I
don't know if I'm projecting.
I'm definitely projecting thison them, but it's like you guys
cannot accept that being sloppyis okay.
At some point you have to cleanup your mess, and so that's
where that comes from.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Nice, I like it.
Felina.
I think that's a great iceicebreaker way to be vulnerable.
I'm glad you took the leapthank you.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
You went very easy on me.
Thank you for your graciousness.
Gracious, you are my lord.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Thank you I think it's the perfect time to drop
this week's intro.
Let them know what thisepisode's about okay, you want
me to do it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Yeah, the communication plan.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Selena drops the intro.
Uh, selena does the call toaction at the end.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Welcome to the Love by Faith podcast.
We're Selena and Kyle Almodovar.
For those of you guys who havebeen following us, you guys know
that in the month of June, wehave decided to go into a theme
of anxiety.
It's something that a lot ofpeople deal with or are
struggling with, and we want togo ahead and figure out how to
cope with that and overcome it.
And so last week we talkedabout how anxiety can threaten
(07:52):
your marriage.
How can it affect your marriage.
This week, we're going to get alittle more specific into what
guys and girls worry and getanxious about.
And so that was a really goodbreaker because we shared both
of our things.
So how are we?
Let's?
Let?
I always like to hear your side, kyle.
I feel like I talk a lot.
(08:13):
I want to hear from the guy'sside first, and then we'll
switch it over and do girl'sside.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Okay, I think, from the guy's side I hit on it last
week, our anxieties are, I thinkare, mostly internal based.
Okay, what am I doing?
What is going on with this?
What is going on?
How can I impact her?
How can I impact this thing?
Am I doing enough in this area?
Am I doing enough in that area?
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Would you say it's performance based?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
No, Okay, no, it hits accomplishments, it hits goals,
it hits um your successfulness.
You know feeling youraccomplishments and so, no, it's
not just I say no, but thenwhen I say it out loud, it is
performance, but it's, I think,it's, I don't know.
For me, talking to guys, it'smore, it's performance.
(09:02):
Okay, we're thinking about our,we're thinking about our
success, we're thinking aboutour.
Are we doing enough?
Are we bringing enough to thetable?
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Are we-?
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Providing.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
And then on the negative side, we get into the
why aren't they doing more forme?
We get into the selfishanxieties.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Why don't I have any free time?
Okay.
Why do I have to do this withthe kids?
Not have any free time, okay.
Why do I have to do this withthe kids?
You know, um, I've seen it'seasy where we have a situation,
like us, where we've decided theroles are, you know, he goes to
work, she stays home where whydo I have to come home and wash
dishes?
why do I have to come home andand that's that's a long driving
like I worked so hard at workto to pay the bills like?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
why do I have to do any of this?
Yeah, that's not my role.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
No, I still want to dive deeper into what other
anxieties guys have okay andthen we have our, our image
right.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Guys have image anxiety just like anybody, sure
right, yeah, yeah you said withmy grass.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
It's an image anxiety .
I like to present our family.
It ties into your anxietyreally, because I like to
present our family as having ittogether enough to cut the grass
every week so you're.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
So it's an image, so you're reflecting how your grass
and outdoor space looks like.
To what is it a reflection of?
You yourself or the wholefamily either way yeah I am our
whole family, okay.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Our image right, okay .
So yes, that matters to me.
I'm not like pull every weed,pull every dandelion, but like
cut and neat and trim and just.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
But toy space if we have guests or visitors over is
fine to just be normally toyedup.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Explain it it's the toy space it's nature I don't
get mad at like the balls andthe bikes and the scooters.
Are you around the yard?
Okay like that doesn't make memad, like that's what it's the
art for.
I get mad at that see, I knowthat's what I'm saying.
It's it's different, and so Ithink about anxiety and marriage
, I think about um.
Are we having relations enough?
(10:58):
Okay, guys worry about that.
Huge, yeah, huge, becausethat's a big deal to guys.
Right?
Are we having relations enough?
Okay, I think guys worry aboutthat.
Huge, yeah, huge, because that'sa big deal to guys, right?
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Are we having relations enough?
Yeah, okay, I get it, I get it,I get it.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Just making sure you were there we got it.
And then I think guys worryabout I wouldn't say worry, but
they're anxious about keeping up.
That's a big one about keepingup.
That's a big one.
You compare yourself to yourfriends, you compare yourself to
coworkers, you compare yourselfto.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Comparison Comparison chop.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
That comparison.
Anxiety is huge in guys.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
So explain to me when you guys feel this typically.
I know you can't speak for allmen, but typically.
In the last episode, when wewere talking about this, you
said that you had more of aninternal anxiety.
Yeah, how does the internalanxiety then come out when all
of these things are happening?
(11:49):
How does it affect, you know,your relationship with your kids
, your marriage, your job, andyou know how do you know when
the anxiety is rising and goingin the direction where you can't
control it, because we talked alot about last week how anxiety
is just one thing that spiralsinto this place where you're out
of control.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, what it looks like when it's out of control is
, I would say, overcommitting,right, trying to do everything
for everyone.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Like yeah, I'll play catch with you.
Yeah, I'll cut the grass thisweekend.
Yeah, I'll clean up the housethis weekend.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
So, as a wife, if we see you keep saying yes, yes,
yes, then that's like a flag oflike wait, we got to check in on
this guy.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Let's put a plan together that really shows where
this time is going to go.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Because I have all this, like I have to say yes to
the kids to play catch, I haveto say yes to myself to you have
to.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
That's a key word, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
To fix the yard you feel like you have to Right, and
so weighing and considering allthese things is huge.
And so the way you asked yourquestion and so the way it shows
that was with the kids, thatwas with internal, the way it
shows in my marriage is it showsin that I think the wife's not
getting enough attention right.
He's not able to think abouther needs because his anxiety
(13:04):
has got him just focused on theother needs that are outside of
her, just her circle, like herbody, her mental, her emotional
right, and I'm not saying thisis individualized to guys, but
this is how I think a lot ofguys process this.
Yeah right.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
So there's a lot of guys who will.
I'm just going to use thegeneral generalize yeah, it's an
experiment of you know they'rescrolling too much, okay, or
they're hiding in the bathroomlike they got to go.
Number two and they're therefor hours, or that's an
exaggeration but they're therefor 15, 30 minutes you know, and
I don't know if that's like anormal time for guys, but or
(13:43):
maybe it's just their way ofescaping from the chaos, because
you know, when you come homeyou're stepping into a
completely different environmentwhere a wife or somebody who is
a stay at home.
Mom, you know we're, we're in itwe're in the trenches.
We are already messy and muddyand full of the chaos, and so
it's a natural environment forus.
But for you guys it could comeas a shock and it could be too
(14:06):
much and it could lead to thatanxiety.
Or if financially you'reworking so hard and it's just
not enough, I could see how thatcan become a slow form of
anxiety build up in a man.
So for you guys escaping wouldthat be considered a way of how
you guys are trying to handlethis anxiety, or is that
something completely different?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
It depends how the escape takes place.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
So it just it's so situational.
I get home from work been along day right I get in the door
I go home to, I go in my, mybathroom, finally, where I've
been away from for eight, nine,10 hours, whatever the situation
, and I sit in there and I getcomfortable for 15, 20 minutes
to decompress, to use thebathroom comfortably.
(14:52):
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, take my pants off, takemy socks off, we got it.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
That kind of thing, that kind of thing Sucks too.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Yeah, man, all day.
Okay, guys, get it.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Okay, I'd say that's to me if you're asking me.
That's totally a healthydecompression.
15, 20 minutes.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
So it's not a red flag.
It's not a red flag, okay.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Now we're going to go hypothetical.
If your guys are getting thereand he's been chilling at home
and all of a sudden you bring upa tough topic with him and all
of a sudden he's got to poop anddisappears, oh, that's a red
flag, right?
Speaker 1 (15:26):
okay, that's a communication, right you gotta
clean the garage up, honey it's.
It's come to the time where Igotta go to the bathroom again
right and he's not willing tohave this hard talk with you.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yeah right, that's a communication red flag, that,
hey, while he's not saying it,he's he's saying this is the
wrong time.
The wrong time just keepshappening to be forever.
Then we got a biggercommunication issue.
We might need to talk with acounselor or talk with someone
who can help you.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So that's the bathroom.
But what about the guys who areconstantly escaping on their
phone and they're at the dinnertable on their phone?
It's movie night on their phone.
Their wife's trying to talk tothem on their phone.
Is that a form of anxiety thatthey're trying to like cope with
, or is that something else?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
I guess it comes down to what's on the phone.
If it's dead scrolling, we'retalking dead scrolling.
It might be a symptom of himneeding some alone time, like
like a retreat, a men's weekend,like a you know, a 48 hour off,
like that's one of the thingsthat we've done well to work in.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Yeah, we incorporated that.
It was really good.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
A mom's weekend, dad's weekend and just go and
peace and retreat and reset.
Yeah, he might need that Ifhe's working on deadlines,
working on Work stuff, got atough situation outside of the
home, right, and he's justtrying to let it go.
And so when all these thingsare healthy and he's just trying
to let it go, and so when allthese things are healthy and
he's still doing it, we mightget into an addiction talk, you
(16:47):
know, is he addicted to thephone?
Is he addicted to the screentime?
Is he addicted to the videogames?
Because if you're letting thosethings get in the way of
healthy relationships, ofrelationship growth, or it's
damaging relationships yeah andwe got to have addiction talks.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And so that can go extreme.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
So to kind of wrap up the husband male side Sure.
You know, what is the thingthat we could say to, I guess,
really bring awareness toanxiety and men in the home.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
What can we be mindful of?
What can we see?
Speaker 2 (17:21):
I like to battle my anxiety when I'm dealing with
these things with scripture,with speaking truth over the
situations, speaking truth ofthe word over what I'm going
through.
Okay, right, replacing the doomscrolling with scripture,
memorization or-.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Bringing it back to God.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Bringing it back to God.
Bringing it back to God, yeah,sermons, okay Instead of
listening to a lot of sermons.
Yes, you know I'll go and I'llgo into like, go into, like, if
I'm going to scroll, I might goand I might just put in.
You know, Christianrelationship help.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Okay, and I'll scroll that search.
So you'll intentionally scrollFulfilling.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Yeah, so you'll intentionally scroll Fulfilling.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Positive things yeah Right.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Not just for entertainment or just to pass
time, but that's good.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Removing that worry and speaking power and truth
over it.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Amen.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And reading the word, memorizing those scriptures, so
that when you're feelingattacked or you're feeling
negative in your brain you couldsay my body's the temple of the
Holy Spirit.
Amen.
I'm more than a conqueror.
I can do all things becauseChrist gives me the strength and
go from there.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this
episode, and right now we wantto just take a small minute to
introduce to you the latestthing that we created to help
you elevate your relationshipand take it to the next level.
It's called the Love by FaithPlaybook.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Every good coach knows they have to have winning
plays.
We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
the best winning plays andcreated strategies for you guys.
Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
together, how to be betterromantically, how to be better
family life.
We went through all thesedifferent areas from the
foundation series and put ittogether in a playbook.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So grab your Love by Faith playbook today.
You can use the link in thedescription below, enter it, and
the good news about this isthat it is a living document, so
you download it one time andevery single month we are going
to be updating this document togive you fresh, new plays to
help you and your partner loveby faith and create a winning
(19:26):
season.
Go ahead and get your love byfaith playbook now and let's get
back into this episode.
I think that was really helpful, kyle, as we were talking about
Get me off of this hot seat.
I know we are.
I'm transitioning, bro.
I think it was really cool tosee here.
(19:46):
You know just how the the mindof a guy works sure because we
don't always know, even thoughwe like to assume a lot of the
times yeah and so that was veryhelpful.
Thank you for all of thatinformation.
We're going to keep talkingabout this, you know, all month
long as we go into it.
So, all right, hot seat on me.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
I'll warn one thing I'm one guy.
Right, you're one guy.
I talk to a lot of guys.
Yes, we generalize a lot ofthings there, exactly, but the
bottom line is getting it backto scripture, getting it back to
finding your center of peace ishow you win.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yes, yes, okay okay sablina kyle, let me ask you
this all right, oh, you got, yougot notes you got notes.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Let me ask you this you got notes ready.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I got another one, wow here we go.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
If your anxiety had a theme song, what would it be?
Speaker 1 (20:31):
really kyle just off the top of my dome off the top
of my head wrecking ball.
It would be some kind of emosomething something fast, loud
or something soft and whiny no,it would be like um, fast paced
and hard.
Okay, it would be a.
It would be a mix between mileycyrus wrecking ball yeah, no,
(20:56):
give you book.
Yeah, nuck, if you buck andlike you panic at the disco.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
You know, and I don't even know the lyrics to all of
these songs.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
But just from knowing the melody and knowing, like
the imagery, that is what goeson.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Those are some chaotic songs.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Very chaotic.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yes, it's very chaotic.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
You use the analogy that women's minds are like
spaghetti.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yes, right, yes.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
It's an old adage.
Now, how does that tie into theanxiety?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Man, it's like slime, Okay, okay, like if you can
imagine anxiety being slime, andthen it doesn't hold its form.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
It just spreads, and so the anxiety kind of just
spreads and it sticks it's atacky stick onto everything else
.
So my anxiety it could betriggered by this one thing, but
then as I think abouteverything else, now I'm
thinking about it in relation tothat one trigger thing, and
then it just kind of spreads andspreads and it's a big mess.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
It's a big sloppy mess.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
So what are the kind of things that bring you anxiety
, bring women anxiety?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Me personally as a mom, as a stay-at-home wife.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Overstimulation.
Okay wife over stimulationbecause I'm hearing three little
kids and their voices and theirups and downs and they're
yelling and quarreling orthey're playing really loudly.
I hear TV, I hear cookingsounds because I'm trying to
cook and do the things.
I see the dog who wants me andI'm like I'm not your owner,
(22:38):
leave me alone.
I see all these things and I'mjust so overstimulated.
And then, you know, my husbandcomes home and you want happy
attention from me.
You know, rightfully so.
It's your house and you want tobe received in a good gesture,
in a good way.
And it's like I don't even havethe energy, I don't even have
like I'm not there but I'mtrying to pull it out of me.
(23:02):
And, yeah, like all of thesethings happening all at once
every single day, and it startsfrom the school pickup line
because the school pickup lineis so chaotic okay and so you,
you get these kids into the vanand they're just everywhere and
they're.
Can we play kids song?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
but that's at three o'clock, so what about like?
Speaker 1 (23:19):
and then okay, so it's like the slime okay so from
three o'clock on yeah it's justchaos, overstimulation.
Help me do this.
They're not doing thistattletaling dog wants me.
I'm cooking, I'm trying toclean.
You didn't eat the food I justcooked.
You want a snack.
You're hungry, but you don'twant this food.
But you want the ice cream food.
Like it's just sooverstimulating the sounds and
(23:41):
the touches and just trying toput out the little fires
everywhere, it just brings me somuch anxiety by the end of the
night.
And then you're like, honey,I'm home and I'm like, oh, I
don't have any strength left inme to like.
But then I have to because it'snot your fault, you know.
So it's the expectation of likeI have to be there.
That's my thing.
(24:02):
You know, not everybody's astay-at-home mom.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Yeah, everybody's a stay-at-home mom.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
That's my thing, so if you can relate to that, then
we're cool.
You know, we hear it.
I think for women in generalOkay, no-transcript Something
that we've heard in manymarriage books.
From my experience as arelationship coach, I've found
this to be true and factualamong a general of women, like a
(24:26):
whole school of women Womenthrive on security in a
relationship Okay, in arelationship in their life, in
their well-being.
When it comes to finding apartner, they're going to value
security probably more thanalmost everything else.
And so in a setting where we'remarried and we have a
(24:48):
relationship, whether you havekids or not, whether you're at
work or stay at home, if yoursecurity is being threatened
security of wellbeing, securityof your home and environment,
security of your health,security of your home and
environment security- of yourhealth, security of your peace,
security of any of those things,security of your emotions, any
(25:08):
of those things, security ofyour safe spaces to be
vulnerable and transparent.
If any of those things arethreatened, anxiety starts to
build, because now you'restarting to second guess and
overthink and worry and wonderand all of these things.
Take a newly wed couple, forexample.
If there is a wife and thehusband did something, a
(25:31):
bonehead move right, whateverbonehead move comes to your mind
, that guy did it.
Okay, now she's feeling like-.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Like put 800 bucks on the credit card on some ugly
rims.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Sure, sure, bonehead move.
Okay, now she feels like thesecurity of being in a mature
financial situation is notthreatened.
Okay, the security of him doingor not respecting my financial
concerns or our plan.
(26:02):
We had a plan.
Now he's not a teammate in thatplan.
My team is now threatened.
So now anxiety comes.
Did I make the wrong move?
Was this a mistake?
Is he going to continue to dothis?
Am I going to have to figureout our finances for the rest of
the life?
Do I need to get another job tosustain his bonehead moves
(26:22):
thereafter?
Do I need to cover myself andmy background?
Do I need to take care of me?
Because he's not taking care ofme, you know?
And so, like this, anxietystarts to form and this fire and
it spirals because now it's theslime.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
So now you're having trust issues, now you're having,
like you know, insecurityissues no-transcript because,
(27:16):
like when, when I get home and Isee that the kids are being
rowdy and you're overstimulated,when times are tough and we
have to make tough financialdecisions, I see that that
brings anxiety.
When the house is a mess, I seethat that brings anxiety.
But like what do guys tend tomiss?
Speaker 1 (27:30):
I want to say that when we're in this anxiety, it's
a chaotic place.
Okay, right, it's very fastpaced, yeah, and you can't keep
up with it, yeah.
And I think guys feel like theyhave to step in and fix things.
They have to come in and justokay, what's the problem?
I'm gonna fix it, becausethat's in your nature.
(27:51):
You want to just fix the problemand you want to just get it
over with, but they think thatby fixing the little things it's
going to stop the tornado pace,like the movie Inside Out Part
2.
It was a really good visual ofan anxiety, panic attack Of her
just at the control board andshe's just going a mile a minute
(28:12):
.
And I think a lot of guys thinkwhat if I just jump into that
tornado and I just try to repairthis over here and I repair
this over there and I repairthis over here?
That's cool, but you're notstopping the tornado.
And I think what guys need todo and anyone who's in your
circle and they see you in thisstate is you need to try to help
them slow down the tornado.
(28:33):
You need to help them stop thetornado and I, from my
experience, the best way to dothat is to help us pause and
help it slow down.
You know, maybe pulling us outof the situation, maybe removing
us from that environment, maybesitting with them If they're
having a panic attack and likereally just sitting with them in
(28:57):
that and you know being withthem as opposed to like you're
going over here, you're goingover there, you go over there
and I'm stuck left alone in thisstate.
You know helping them slow andbreathe and pray, like you said,
and keep speaking God into that, cause God can go into a
furnace, god can go into thebelly of a, well, god can go
(29:18):
into that anxiety tornado and hecan calm it down and he could
peace be still it, you know toits end, absolutely.
And so I think that's what guysmiss.
They think it's a quick fix andthen I'll just fix this and
it'll be over.
But it's like no, you have tostep into it and calm and help
us slow it down.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
So is that like a momentary slowing?
Is that like a couple days ofslowing?
Speaker 1 (29:44):
It's a river.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
A reset.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
It's a spaghetti.
It could be a bunch of littlethings that add up or it could
be one big blow up all in itsown.
I honestly think it's thelittle things adding up At the
beginning of the summer.
You see me having a stressfulday At the beginning of the
summer.
You see me having a stressfulday At the end of the week.
You see me exhausted After twoand a half months of that.
Those little flags.
(30:09):
It builds up and builds up Ifnothing is done.
It's building up and buildingup to the point where we're
having this full-blown anxietyattack.
And then you're like well, whathappened?
It's like what do you mean?
What happened?
I've been telling you what'sbeen happening for two and a
half months and you haven'tlistened to me.
And like, how do you expect meto handle this?
Like nothing has been done.
And so, like you have the, youhave the explosion and so,
(30:29):
knowing the little things,that's when you can come in and
repair.
But if the little things buildup, then you have to go into the
tornado because it's too muchto just handle it one piece at a
time.
Now you have to go in and tryto still it and pause it,
install it so that it can.
I don't know if dissipate is aword.
(30:50):
What is the word?
Dissipate, dissipate so that itcan dissipate.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
So my last question in this thought line is how do
we, how do we slow down thetornado?
Speaker 1 (31:03):
so that is a very good cliff million dollar
question.
Right it's a good cliffhanger,because it matters.
What matters is that you haveto understand what the root is.
Okay, you have to understandwhat caused the anxiety in the
first place.
Was it really just the grassbeing cut so low that it burned
(31:24):
the grass in the middle of July?
Or was it the fact that maybeyou communicated and expressed
your concerns at the grassbefore and nobody listened, and
now you're upset because theycontinue to do a repeated action
that you explicitly made clearwas bothering you?
Now you're feeling unheard.
Now you're feeling, you know,disrespected, and disrespect can
(31:48):
go a lot farther and deeperthan one inch grass.
You know what I'm saying.
So we have to understand theroot.
Is this caused by fear?
Is this caused by insecurity?
Is this caused by somethingelse?
And that is the episode thatwe're going to talk about next
week.
So you guys got to stay tunedto help us really understand how
(32:10):
we can get to the bottom ofanxiety and how to get through
those tornadoes.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Man.
This time went by so fast.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Yeah, it did, it was I mean it's a good topic.
It's a really deep topic and Ihope that you guys are receiving
that.
Yeah, it did, it was.
I mean, it's a good topic.
It's a really deep topic.
Yeah, and I hope that you guysare receiving that.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
We'll keep going.
We have a couple more episodesleft this month.
Absolutely, and we'll get intoit more.
Yes, I think we can.
Yes, and I'm grateful you hadgreat stuff today, thank you.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
You had great stuff.
Thank you for just being soopen and honest about guys.
It's a wild world over there.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Listen, you think it's wild over here.
You should see what the ladiesworld is like from the guy's
perspective.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Eden, Garden of Eden.
We are.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Yeah right, all right , I'm going to pray.
Thank, you.
Lord, we're grateful for thistime.
We're grateful for this podcast, for people listening.
We pray that marriages areblessed by this, that they're
able to incorporate the word andspeak life into their
situations and to just speakyour promises over themselves
and over their marriages andover their relationships.
(33:13):
I pray for wisdom and husbandsand wives to see each other, see
each other deeply, see eachother truly, and I pray for just
strong mental states for them.
Yes, we give you the glory forall of it In Jesus's name, amen,
amen.
Amen.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Thank you guys so much for listening and watching
the Love by Faith podcast.
We hope that you enjoy this.
If you have any questions orcomments, or your own testimony
about anxiety, please share itour way.
There's a link to text us rightin the description.
You can comment on any of thevideos that we have on YouTube.
You can even send us a DM onInstagram and we will be able to
reply to you there.
If you're watching on YouTube,be sure to like, share,
(33:51):
subscribe.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, please be sure
to give us a review or afive-star tap if that is the
easiest way for you there we gowe hope to see you guys again
next week.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Love by faith y'all, faith y'all see you then good
job good job man, you guys, youguys are um something else we
are, we are you guys?
Speaker 1 (34:15):
yeah, we all are.
We came to it we all are, we'rea big mess.
That's why we need jesus.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
That's exactly why yep, lately I've been worrying
about my car because it'sgetting old.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Okay, I'm thinking about having to get a new one,
but you keep sending memotorcycles.
Which one is?
Speaker 2 (34:34):
it.
Listen, we're not gonna talkabout that.
The motorcycles are a hobby, ora hobby want?
Okay, that's not, it's not.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
You know, you gotta get the needs first yeah that's
a want I feel like forautomobiles, for me, I'm just in
the minivan pound, I'm just,I'm doing time I have a sentence
.
I have a minivan sentence,three to five years.
We got a good one though it'llbe, it'll last.
It'll last through thatsentence, but I can't even think
(35:05):
of like, oh, what car would Iget?
Like, nah, man, I'm doing thatminivan life right now.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Yeah, unfortunately I think that's my like big
picture worry right now yeah mycar is gonna just not work soon.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
Do you need a new car ?
Speaker 2 (35:19):
no, it's working great.
It's a.
It's irrational.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Okay, it's just I'm being vulnerable again no, I'm
being vulnerable again aboutwhat I worry about okay, if I
ever make twenty thousanddollars a month, I'm gonna buy,
buy you a brand new, whatevercar you want car thanks, I
appreciate that I love you Ilove hon.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
It's that time of the week I know you gotta go.
I gotta go.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Goodbye, I'm not even gonna force it anymore.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
I understand, I've accepted.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
I've accepted the abandonment of this, of this
time.
I know, I know.
What guys and girls worry and get anxious about.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I'm not saying this is individualized to guys, but
this is how I think a lot ofguys process this.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
So now you're having trust issues, insecurity issues.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
What do men really miss about their wife's anxiety?
Speaker 1 (00:14):
If any of those things are threatened, anxiety
starts to build.
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship, Arelationship and marriage that
has stood the test of time, anymeans, but by trusting in God we
learned what it takes to builda friendship, a relationship and
marriage that has stood thetest of time, with a Keeping it
Real style.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
We're going to talk to you about everything,
everything that we've beenthrough are going through and
have overcome all, by learninghow to lean on God and each
other in order to help you learnhow to love by faith.
I was listening to the newsthis morning news update Okay it
(01:02):
was probably on facebook orinstagram or something okay, and
they said that the weather wehad in may was like the last
couple weeks was similar averagetemperature to november yeah,
I'm wearing my thanksgivingsweater.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Yeah, funny, you should say that.
Yeah, I'm like, what am I gonnawear today?
And I, it's so cold.
I just want to be like cozy.
I don't think a snuggie isappropriate.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I'm going to wear my Thanksgiving sweater.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
So we're recording this the last week of May.
Yeah, and it's still 45 degreesoutside.
It's 45 degrees.
We haven't had a cold May likethis in years.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Years.
I don't think it was terrible.
That's funny.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I have a good icebreaker, I think.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Okay, while you're looking for it, I like to look
at the morning brew as the dailytop news headlines of the world
.
Basically, I love it because itfeels very millennial-led.
There's a lot of little-.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
It's laid back.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
It's laid back.
There's a lot of little it'slaid back.
It's a it's laid back.
There's a lot of little jokeshere and there, but at the same
time it's non-biased.
There's no kind of politicalstandpoint to any of what
they're telling you, and theyjust intelligent news too and
they give you a lot of reallygreat news.
So I I'm we're gonna link itfor you guys, in case you want
some, some daily news.
It's called the morning brewall right, I like that.
(02:25):
I look at, I browse it I think Itry to see it every day yeah
just to be on top of what'sgoing on okay, ready for the
icebreaker question yeah, what'sone thing that makes me you me
kyle irrationally anxious, butyou think it's no big deal the
grass, your grass, bro, you, youare.
(02:51):
I remember we were dating okayyou were dating and you were
living in like this bachelorhouse with like a ton of guys.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, okay, it was three.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
Three other guys but there was always a lot of guys
there like it was just just likea bedroom house we had.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
it was like an animal house out there but we would go
to your house.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
It wasn't like animal house, but it was a lot of guys
, it was a frat house.
So we I would go over and visityou and spend time with you.
And one time I came and seenyou this livid before.
I think I get this from my dad.
(03:29):
He was all about it.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
And you were whispering.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
You were so mad that you were whispering, Because
when you get mad you whisper.
I'm the exact opposite, whichis why people think I'm crazy
and have a problem.
But you were whispering and youwere, like you said the p word.
Can I say the p word here?
pissed off yes, okay, it waslike that and I was like, oh,
like clutched my purses or mypearls.
(03:54):
I was like, oh my gosh.
He said the p word, like Ican't believe.
He said he was like they messed, they pissed me off, they, they
.
And I'm like, what did they do,kyle?
Like I'm with you, like let'sgo, what is what's wrong?
Like I'm ride or die, let's go.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
And you were like they cut the grass too short and
I'm like are you kidding mescalped it in like july august,
so it was burned up on the grassare?
Speaker 1 (04:17):
you kidding?
I was like it's just grass, bro.
So then when we bought our ownhouse, like the where you, where
the neighbor cuts, going overthe line, the bat, and I'm like,
do you have like the city mapto show the boundaries of where
the grass needs to be cut?
And then like the.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I guess I asked the vulnerable question here.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah are you getting mad now?
Are you feeling yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:40):
I'm keeping my composure, if you don't cut the
grass in time.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
If the grass grows too long, too fast, it's just
like always about the grass, andI'm just like bro, it's just
grass, it's just grass.
I'm afraid to ask you the samequestion because I feel like
you're going to pull out ascroll and it's just going to
roll all the way to the groundand you're like we're going to
begin at this point.
(05:04):
Santa's list and then, 40minutes later, like and now for
our last point.
So do you have something for me?
Speaker 2 (05:11):
do you want to do, you want to ask this question,
you want to say it in a way thatwill still be okay.
I don't know let me think yesokay, okay, you were vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
I'm gonna going to follow your lead, I'm going to
ask a question what is somethingthat I did where you saw, where
I was visibly emotional?
What is something?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
that you're rationally anxious about that, I
think, is no big deal.
Yes, I'm going to go easy.
Okay, I have two that I'mthinking of.
Speaker 1 (05:39):
I'm going to go with the easy one, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (05:43):
The toys in the play area.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
What about them?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
You're always like this play area is a mess.
There's toys everywhere.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Okay, moms, if you know, you know Okay.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And I'm like it's just toys and it's the play area
.
They're going to pull them allout again in a little bit.
And it's isolated from our Idon't know our sitting areas
areas.
Yeah, it's like it's just thekid zone yeah, like, let them
have that how they want it okay,that's fair and then our one
son's desk, the artsy son withhis stuff everywhere.
(06:10):
Yes, his desk, like for me.
I'm just like let him be acreator and have a space.
Okay, those are two thingswhere I'm like, dude, you gotta
settle down I.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
I think both of those it's so interesting because
both of those spaces to me makesme anxious, because I see it as
mess and clutter, where you'reseeing it as play and
imagination and creativity.
But because it's mess andclutter I always feel I always
get this fear of like my kidsare going to be raised to think
(06:42):
that being messy and sloppy isokay, and so I get this like I
don't know if I'm projecting.
I'm definitely projecting thison them, but it's like you guys
cannot accept that being sloppyis okay.
At some point you have to cleanup your mess, and so that's
where that comes from.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Nice, I like it.
Felina.
I think that's a great iceicebreaker way to be vulnerable.
I'm glad you took the leapthank you.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
You went very easy on me.
Thank you for your graciousness.
Gracious, you are my lord.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Thank you I think it's the perfect time to drop
this week's intro.
Let them know what thisepisode's about okay, you want
me to do it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Yeah, the communication plan.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Selena drops the intro.
Uh, selena does the call toaction at the end.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Welcome to the Love by Faith podcast.
We're Selena and Kyle Almodovar.
For those of you guys who havebeen following us, you guys know
that in the month of June, wehave decided to go into a theme
of anxiety.
It's something that a lot ofpeople deal with or are
struggling with, and we want togo ahead and figure out how to
cope with that and overcome it.
And so last week we talkedabout how anxiety can threaten
(07:52):
your marriage.
How can it affect your marriage.
This week, we're going to get alittle more specific into what
guys and girls worry and getanxious about.
And so that was a really goodbreaker because we shared both
of our things.
So how are we?
Let's?
Let?
I always like to hear your side, kyle.
I feel like I talk a lot.
(08:13):
I want to hear from the guy'sside first, and then we'll
switch it over and do girl'sside.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Okay, I think, from the guy's side I hit on it last
week, our anxieties are, I thinkare, mostly internal based.
Okay, what am I doing?
What is going on with this?
What is going on?
How can I impact her?
How can I impact this thing?
Am I doing enough in this area?
Am I doing enough in that area?
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Would you say it's performance based?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
No, Okay, no, it hits accomplishments, it hits goals,
it hits um your successfulness.
You know feeling youraccomplishments and so, no, it's
not just I say no, but thenwhen I say it out loud, it is
performance, but it's, I think,it's, I don't know.
For me, talking to guys, it'smore, it's performance.
(09:02):
Okay, we're thinking about our,we're thinking about our
success, we're thinking aboutour.
Are we doing enough?
Are we bringing enough to thetable?
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Are we-?
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Providing.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
And then on the negative side, we get into the
why aren't they doing more forme?
We get into the selfishanxieties.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Why don't I have any free time?
Okay.
Why do I have to do this withthe kids?
Not have any free time, okay.
Why do I have to do this withthe kids?
You know, um, I've seen it'seasy where we have a situation,
like us, where we've decided theroles are, you know, he goes to
work, she stays home where whydo I have to come home and wash
dishes?
why do I have to come home andand that's that's a long driving
like I worked so hard at workto to pay the bills like?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
why do I have to do any of this?
Yeah, that's not my role.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
No, I still want to dive deeper into what other
anxieties guys have okay andthen we have our, our image
right.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
Guys have image anxiety just like anybody, sure
right, yeah, yeah you said withmy grass.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
It's an image anxiety .
I like to present our family.
It ties into your anxietyreally, because I like to
present our family as having ittogether enough to cut the grass
every week so you're.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
So it's an image, so you're reflecting how your grass
and outdoor space looks like.
To what is it a reflection of?
You yourself or the wholefamily either way yeah I am our
whole family, okay.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Our image right, okay .
So yes, that matters to me.
I'm not like pull every weed,pull every dandelion, but like
cut and neat and trim and just.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
But toy space if we have guests or visitors over is
fine to just be normally toyedup.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Explain it it's the toy space it's nature I don't
get mad at like the balls andthe bikes and the scooters.
Are you around the yard?
Okay like that doesn't make memad, like that's what it's the
art for.
I get mad at that see, I knowthat's what I'm saying.
It's it's different, and so Ithink about anxiety and marriage
, I think about um.
Are we having relations enough?
(10:58):
Okay, guys worry about that.
Huge, yeah, huge, becausethat's a big deal to guys.
Right?
Are we having relations enough?
Okay, I think guys worry aboutthat.
Huge, yeah, huge, because that'sa big deal to guys, right?
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Are we having relations enough?
Yeah, okay, I get it, I get it,I get it.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Just making sure you were there we got it.
And then I think guys worryabout I wouldn't say worry, but
they're anxious about keeping up.
That's a big one about keepingup.
That's a big one.
You compare yourself to yourfriends, you compare yourself to
coworkers, you compare yourselfto.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Comparison Comparison chop.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
That comparison.
Anxiety is huge in guys.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
So explain to me when you guys feel this typically.
I know you can't speak for allmen, but typically.
In the last episode, when wewere talking about this, you
said that you had more of aninternal anxiety.
Yeah, how does the internalanxiety then come out when all
of these things are happening?
(11:49):
How does it affect, you know,your relationship with your kids
, your marriage, your job, andyou know how do you know when
the anxiety is rising and goingin the direction where you can't
control it, because we talked alot about last week how anxiety
is just one thing that spiralsinto this place where you're out
of control.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, what it looks like when it's out of control is
, I would say, overcommitting,right, trying to do everything
for everyone.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
Like yeah, I'll play catch with you.
Yeah, I'll cut the grass thisweekend.
Yeah, I'll clean up the housethis weekend.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
So, as a wife, if we see you keep saying yes, yes,
yes, then that's like a flag oflike wait, we got to check in on
this guy.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Let's put a plan together that really shows where
this time is going to go.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
Because I have all this, like I have to say yes to
the kids to play catch, I haveto say yes to myself to you have
to.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
That's a key word, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
To fix the yard you feel like you have to Right, and
so weighing and considering allthese things is huge.
And so the way you asked yourquestion and so the way it shows
that was with the kids, thatwas with internal, the way it
shows in my marriage is it showsin that I think the wife's not
getting enough attention right.
He's not able to think abouther needs because his anxiety
(13:04):
has got him just focused on theother needs that are outside of
her, just her circle, like herbody, her mental, her emotional
right, and I'm not saying thisis individualized to guys, but
this is how I think a lot ofguys process this.
Yeah right.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
So there's a lot of guys who will.
I'm just going to use thegeneral generalize yeah, it's an
experiment of you know they'rescrolling too much, okay, or
they're hiding in the bathroomlike they got to go.
Number two and they're therefor hours, or that's an
exaggeration but they're therefor 15, 30 minutes you know, and
I don't know if that's like anormal time for guys, but or
(13:43):
maybe it's just their way ofescaping from the chaos, because
you know, when you come homeyou're stepping into a
completely different environmentwhere a wife or somebody who is
a stay at home.
Mom, you know we're, we're in itwe're in the trenches.
We are already messy and muddyand full of the chaos, and so
it's a natural environment forus.
But for you guys it could comeas a shock and it could be too
(14:06):
much and it could lead to thatanxiety.
Or if financially you'reworking so hard and it's just
not enough, I could see how thatcan become a slow form of
anxiety build up in a man.
So for you guys escaping wouldthat be considered a way of how
you guys are trying to handlethis anxiety, or is that
something completely different?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
It depends how the escape takes place.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
So it just it's so situational.
I get home from work been along day right I get in the door
I go home to, I go in my, mybathroom, finally, where I've
been away from for eight, nine,10 hours, whatever the situation
, and I sit in there and I getcomfortable for 15, 20 minutes
to decompress, to use thebathroom comfortably.
(14:52):
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, take my pants off, takemy socks off, we got it.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
That kind of thing, that kind of thing Sucks too.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Yeah, man, all day.
Okay, guys, get it.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Okay, I'd say that's to me if you're asking me.
That's totally a healthydecompression.
15, 20 minutes.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
So it's not a red flag.
It's not a red flag, okay.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Now we're going to go hypothetical.
If your guys are getting thereand he's been chilling at home
and all of a sudden you bring upa tough topic with him and all
of a sudden he's got to poop anddisappears, oh, that's a red
flag, right?
Speaker 1 (15:26):
okay, that's a communication, right you gotta
clean the garage up, honey it's.
It's come to the time where Igotta go to the bathroom again
right and he's not willing tohave this hard talk with you.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yeah right, that's a communication red flag, that,
hey, while he's not saying it,he's he's saying this is the
wrong time.
The wrong time just keepshappening to be forever.
Then we got a biggercommunication issue.
We might need to talk with acounselor or talk with someone
who can help you.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So that's the bathroom.
But what about the guys who areconstantly escaping on their
phone and they're at the dinnertable on their phone?
It's movie night on their phone.
Their wife's trying to talk tothem on their phone.
Is that a form of anxiety thatthey're trying to like cope with
, or is that something else?
Speaker 2 (16:04):
I guess it comes down to what's on the phone.
If it's dead scrolling, we'retalking dead scrolling.
It might be a symptom of himneeding some alone time, like
like a retreat, a men's weekend,like a you know, a 48 hour off,
like that's one of the thingsthat we've done well to work in.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Yeah, we incorporated that.
It was really good.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
A mom's weekend, dad's weekend and just go and
peace and retreat and reset.
Yeah, he might need that Ifhe's working on deadlines,
working on Work stuff, got atough situation outside of the
home, right, and he's justtrying to let it go.
And so when all these thingsare healthy and he's just trying
to let it go, and so when allthese things are healthy and
he's still doing it, we mightget into an addiction talk, you
(16:47):
know, is he addicted to thephone?
Is he addicted to the screentime?
Is he addicted to the videogames?
Because if you're letting thosethings get in the way of
healthy relationships, ofrelationship growth, or it's
damaging relationships yeah andwe got to have addiction talks.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
And so that can go extreme.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
So to kind of wrap up the husband male side Sure.
You know, what is the thingthat we could say to, I guess,
really bring awareness toanxiety and men in the home.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
What can we be mindful of?
What can we see?
Speaker 2 (17:21):
I like to battle my anxiety when I'm dealing with
these things with scripture,with speaking truth over the
situations, speaking truth ofthe word over what I'm going
through.
Okay, right, replacing the doomscrolling with scripture,
memorization or-.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Bringing it back to God.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
Bringing it back to God.
Bringing it back to God, yeah,sermons, okay Instead of
listening to a lot of sermons.
Yes, you know I'll go and I'llgo into like, go into, like, if
I'm going to scroll, I might goand I might just put in.
You know, Christianrelationship help.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
Okay, and I'll scroll that search.
So you'll intentionally scrollFulfilling.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Yeah, so you'll intentionally scroll Fulfilling.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Positive things yeah Right.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Not just for entertainment or just to pass
time, but that's good.
Speaker 2 (18:06):
Removing that worry and speaking power and truth
over it.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Amen.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And reading the word, memorizing those scriptures, so
that when you're feelingattacked or you're feeling
negative in your brain you couldsay my body's the temple of the
Holy Spirit.
Amen.
I'm more than a conqueror.
I can do all things becauseChrist gives me the strength and
go from there.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this
episode, and right now we wantto just take a small minute to
introduce to you the latestthing that we created to help
you elevate your relationshipand take it to the next level.
It's called the Love by FaithPlaybook.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Every good coach knows they have to have winning
plays.
We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
the best winning plays andcreated strategies for you guys.
Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
together, how to be betterromantically, how to be better
family life.
We went through all thesedifferent areas from the
foundation series and put ittogether in a playbook.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So grab your Love by Faith playbook today.
You can use the link in thedescription below, enter it, and
the good news about this isthat it is a living document, so
you download it one time andevery single month we are going
to be updating this document togive you fresh, new plays to
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(19:26):
season.
Go ahead and get your love byfaith playbook now and let's get
back into this episode.
I think that was really helpful, kyle, as we were talking about
Get me off of this hot seat.
I know we are.
I'm transitioning, bro.
I think it was really cool tosee here.
(19:46):
You know just how the the mindof a guy works sure because we
don't always know, even thoughwe like to assume a lot of the
times yeah and so that was veryhelpful.
Thank you for all of thatinformation.
We're going to keep talkingabout this, you know, all month
long as we go into it.
So, all right, hot seat on me.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
I'll warn one thing I'm one guy.
Right, you're one guy.
I talk to a lot of guys.
Yes, we generalize a lot ofthings there, exactly, but the
bottom line is getting it backto scripture, getting it back to
finding your center of peace ishow you win.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Yes, yes, okay okay sablina kyle, let me ask you
this all right, oh, you got, yougot notes you got notes.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Let me ask you this you got notes ready.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I got another one, wow here we go.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
If your anxiety had a theme song, what would it be?
Speaker 1 (20:31):
really kyle just off the top of my dome off the top
of my head wrecking ball.
It would be some kind of emosomething something fast, loud
or something soft and whiny no,it would be like um, fast paced
and hard.
Okay, it would be a.
It would be a mix between mileycyrus wrecking ball yeah, no,
(20:56):
give you book.
Yeah, nuck, if you buck andlike you panic at the disco.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
You know, and I don't even know the lyrics to all of
these songs.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
But just from knowing the melody and knowing, like
the imagery, that is what goeson.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Those are some chaotic songs.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Very chaotic.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Yes, it's very chaotic.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
You use the analogy that women's minds are like
spaghetti.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Yes, right, yes.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
It's an old adage.
Now, how does that tie into theanxiety?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Man, it's like slime, Okay, okay, like if you can
imagine anxiety being slime, andthen it doesn't hold its form.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
It just spreads, and so the anxiety kind of just
spreads and it sticks it's atacky stick onto everything else
.
So my anxiety it could betriggered by this one thing, but
then as I think abouteverything else, now I'm
thinking about it in relation tothat one trigger thing, and
then it just kind of spreads andspreads and it's a big mess.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
It's a big sloppy mess.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
So what are the kind of things that bring you anxiety
, bring women anxiety?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Me personally as a mom, as a stay-at-home wife.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Overstimulation.
Okay wife over stimulationbecause I'm hearing three little
kids and their voices and theirups and downs and they're
yelling and quarreling orthey're playing really loudly.
I hear TV, I hear cookingsounds because I'm trying to
cook and do the things.
I see the dog who wants me andI'm like I'm not your owner,
(22:38):
leave me alone.
I see all these things and I'mjust so overstimulated.
And then, you know, my husbandcomes home and you want happy
attention from me.
You know, rightfully so.
It's your house and you want tobe received in a good gesture,
in a good way.
And it's like I don't even havethe energy, I don't even have
like I'm not there but I'mtrying to pull it out of me.
(23:02):
And, yeah, like all of thesethings happening all at once
every single day, and it startsfrom the school pickup line
because the school pickup lineis so chaotic okay and so you,
you get these kids into the vanand they're just everywhere and
they're.
Can we play kids song?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
but that's at three o'clock, so what about like?
Speaker 1 (23:19):
and then okay, so it's like the slime okay so from
three o'clock on yeah it's justchaos, overstimulation.
Help me do this.
They're not doing thistattletaling dog wants me.
I'm cooking, I'm trying toclean.
You didn't eat the food I justcooked.
You want a snack.
You're hungry, but you don'twant this food.
But you want the ice cream food.
Like it's just sooverstimulating the sounds and
(23:41):
the touches and just trying toput out the little fires
everywhere, it just brings me somuch anxiety by the end of the
night.
And then you're like, honey,I'm home and I'm like, oh, I
don't have any strength left inme to like.
But then I have to because it'snot your fault, you know.
So it's the expectation of likeI have to be there.
That's my thing.
(24:02):
You know, not everybody's astay-at-home mom.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Yeah, everybody's a stay-at-home mom.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
That's my thing, so if you can relate to that, then
we're cool.
You know, we hear it.
I think for women in generalOkay, no-transcript Something
that we've heard in manymarriage books.
From my experience as arelationship coach, I've found
this to be true and factualamong a general of women, like a
(24:26):
whole school of women Womenthrive on security in a
relationship Okay, in arelationship in their life, in
their well-being.
When it comes to finding apartner, they're going to value
security probably more thanalmost everything else.
And so in a setting where we'remarried and we have a
(24:48):
relationship, whether you havekids or not, whether you're at
work or stay at home, if yoursecurity is being threatened
security of wellbeing, securityof your home and environment,
security of your health,security of your home and
environment security- of yourhealth, security of your peace,
security of any of those things,security of your emotions, any
(25:08):
of those things, security ofyour safe spaces to be
vulnerable and transparent.
If any of those things arethreatened, anxiety starts to
build, because now you'restarting to second guess and
overthink and worry and wonderand all of these things.
Take a newly wed couple, forexample.
If there is a wife and thehusband did something, a
(25:31):
bonehead move right, whateverbonehead move comes to your mind
, that guy did it.
Okay, now she's feeling like-.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
Like put 800 bucks on the credit card on some ugly
rims.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Sure, sure, bonehead move.
Okay, now she feels like thesecurity of being in a mature
financial situation is notthreatened.
Okay, the security of him doingor not respecting my financial
concerns or our plan.
(26:02):
We had a plan.
Now he's not a teammate in thatplan.
My team is now threatened.
So now anxiety comes.
Did I make the wrong move?
Was this a mistake?
Is he going to continue to dothis?
Am I going to have to figureout our finances for the rest of
the life?
Do I need to get another job tosustain his bonehead moves
(26:22):
thereafter?
Do I need to cover myself andmy background?
Do I need to take care of me?
Because he's not taking care ofme, you know?
And so, like this, anxietystarts to form and this fire and
it spirals because now it's theslime.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
So now you're having trust issues, now you're having,
like you know, insecurityissues no-transcript because,
(27:16):
like when, when I get home and Isee that the kids are being
rowdy and you're overstimulated,when times are tough and we
have to make tough financialdecisions, I see that that
brings anxiety.
When the house is a mess, I seethat that brings anxiety.
But like what do guys tend tomiss?
Speaker 1 (27:30):
I want to say that when we're in this anxiety, it's
a chaotic place.
Okay, right, it's very fastpaced, yeah, and you can't keep
up with it, yeah.
And I think guys feel like theyhave to step in and fix things.
They have to come in and justokay, what's the problem?
I'm gonna fix it, becausethat's in your nature.
(27:51):
You want to just fix the problemand you want to just get it
over with, but they think thatby fixing the little things it's
going to stop the tornado pace,like the movie Inside Out Part
2.
It was a really good visual ofan anxiety, panic attack Of her
just at the control board andshe's just going a mile a minute
(28:12):
.
And I think a lot of guys thinkwhat if I just jump into that
tornado and I just try to repairthis over here and I repair
this over there and I repairthis over here?
That's cool, but you're notstopping the tornado.
And I think what guys need todo and anyone who's in your
circle and they see you in thisstate is you need to try to help
them slow down the tornado.
(28:33):
You need to help them stop thetornado and I, from my
experience, the best way to dothat is to help us pause and
help it slow down.
You know, maybe pulling us outof the situation, maybe removing
us from that environment, maybesitting with them If they're
having a panic attack and likereally just sitting with them in
(28:57):
that and you know being withthem as opposed to like you're
going over here, you're goingover there, you go over there
and I'm stuck left alone in thisstate.
You know helping them slow andbreathe and pray, like you said,
and keep speaking God into that, cause God can go into a
furnace, god can go into thebelly of a, well, god can go
(29:18):
into that anxiety tornado and hecan calm it down and he could
peace be still it, you know toits end, absolutely.
And so I think that's what guysmiss.
They think it's a quick fix andthen I'll just fix this and
it'll be over.
But it's like no, you have tostep into it and calm and help
us slow it down.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
So is that like a momentary slowing?
Is that like a couple days ofslowing?
Speaker 1 (29:44):
It's a river.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
A reset.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
It's a spaghetti.
It could be a bunch of littlethings that add up or it could
be one big blow up all in itsown.
I honestly think it's thelittle things adding up At the
beginning of the summer.
You see me having a stressfulday At the beginning of the
summer.
You see me having a stressfulday At the end of the week.
You see me exhausted After twoand a half months of that.
Those little flags.
(30:09):
It builds up and builds up Ifnothing is done.
It's building up and buildingup to the point where we're
having this full-blown anxietyattack.
And then you're like well, whathappened?
It's like what do you mean?
What happened?
I've been telling you what'sbeen happening for two and a
half months and you haven'tlistened to me.
And like, how do you expect meto handle this?
Like nothing has been done.
And so, like you have the, youhave the explosion and so,
(30:29):
knowing the little things,that's when you can come in and
repair.
But if the little things buildup, then you have to go into the
tornado because it's too muchto just handle it one piece at a
time.
Now you have to go in and tryto still it and pause it,
install it so that it can.
I don't know if dissipate is aword.
(30:50):
What is the word?
Dissipate, dissipate so that itcan dissipate.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
So my last question in this thought line is how do
we, how do we slow down thetornado?
Speaker 1 (31:03):
so that is a very good cliff million dollar
question.
Right it's a good cliffhanger,because it matters.
What matters is that you haveto understand what the root is.
Okay, you have to understandwhat caused the anxiety in the
first place.
Was it really just the grassbeing cut so low that it burned
(31:24):
the grass in the middle of July?
Or was it the fact that maybeyou communicated and expressed
your concerns at the grassbefore and nobody listened, and
now you're upset because theycontinue to do a repeated action
that you explicitly made clearwas bothering you?
Now you're feeling unheard.
Now you're feeling, you know,disrespected, and disrespect can
(31:48):
go a lot farther and deeperthan one inch grass.
You know what I'm saying.
So we have to understand theroot.
Is this caused by fear?
Is this caused by insecurity?
Is this caused by somethingelse?
And that is the episode thatwe're going to talk about next
week.
So you guys got to stay tunedto help us really understand how
(32:10):
we can get to the bottom ofanxiety and how to get through
those tornadoes.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Man.
This time went by so fast.
Speaker 1 (32:16):
Yeah, it did, it was I mean it's a good topic.
It's a really deep topic and Ihope that you guys are receiving
that.
Yeah, it did, it was.
I mean, it's a good topic.
It's a really deep topic.
Yeah, and I hope that you guysare receiving that.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
We'll keep going.
We have a couple more episodesleft this month.
Absolutely, and we'll get intoit more.
Yes, I think we can.
Yes, and I'm grateful you hadgreat stuff today, thank you.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
You had great stuff.
Thank you for just being soopen and honest about guys.
It's a wild world over there.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Listen, you think it's wild over here.
You should see what the ladiesworld is like from the guy's
perspective.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Eden, Garden of Eden.
We are.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Yeah right, all right , I'm going to pray.
Thank, you.
Lord, we're grateful for thistime.
We're grateful for this podcast, for people listening.
We pray that marriages areblessed by this, that they're
able to incorporate the word andspeak life into their
situations and to just speakyour promises over themselves
and over their marriages andover their relationships.
(33:13):
I pray for wisdom and husbandsand wives to see each other, see
each other deeply, see eachother truly, and I pray for just
strong mental states for them.
Yes, we give you the glory forall of it In Jesus's name, amen,
amen.
Amen.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Thank you guys so much for listening and watching
the Love by Faith podcast.
We hope that you enjoy this.
If you have any questions orcomments, or your own testimony
about anxiety, please share itour way.
There's a link to text us rightin the description.
You can comment on any of thevideos that we have on YouTube.
You can even send us a DM onInstagram and we will be able to
reply to you there.
If you're watching on YouTube,be sure to like, share,
(33:51):
subscribe.
If you're listening on apodcast platform, please be sure
to give us a review or afive-star tap if that is the
easiest way for you there we gowe hope to see you guys again
next week.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Love by faith y'all, faith y'all see you then good
job good job man, you guys, youguys are um something else we
are, we are you guys?
Speaker 1 (34:15):
yeah, we all are.
We came to it we all are, we'rea big mess.
That's why we need jesus.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
That's exactly why yep, lately I've been worrying
about my car because it'sgetting old.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Okay, I'm thinking about having to get a new one,
but you keep sending memotorcycles.
Which one is?
Speaker 2 (34:34):
it.
Listen, we're not gonna talkabout that.
The motorcycles are a hobby, ora hobby want?
Okay, that's not, it's not.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
You know, you gotta get the needs first yeah that's
a want I feel like forautomobiles, for me, I'm just in
the minivan pound, I'm just,I'm doing time I have a sentence
.
I have a minivan sentence,three to five years.
We got a good one though it'llbe, it'll last.
It'll last through thatsentence, but I can't even think
(35:05):
of like, oh, what car would Iget?
Like, nah, man, I'm doing thatminivan life right now.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
Yeah, unfortunately I think that's my like big
picture worry right now yeah mycar is gonna just not work soon.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
Do you need a new car ?
Speaker 2 (35:19):
no, it's working great.
It's a.
It's irrational.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Okay, it's just I'm being vulnerable again no, I'm
being vulnerable again aboutwhat I worry about okay, if I
ever make twenty thousanddollars a month, I'm gonna buy,
buy you a brand new, whatevercar you want car thanks, I
appreciate that I love you Ilove hon.
Speaker 2 (35:38):
It's that time of the week I know you gotta go.
I gotta go.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Goodbye, I'm not even gonna force it anymore.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
I understand, I've accepted.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
I've accepted the abandonment of this, of this
time.
I know, I know.
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