Creating last family connections requires intentionally choosing how to navigate relationships with extended family while creating meaningful traditions that will shape your children's future. In this episode, Kyle and Selina share how to create a family legacy!
• Create clear family boundaries early in marriage to establish your values and priorities
• Have honest conversations with extended family about your boundaries and expectations
• Be the bridge by making efforts to maintain family relationships despite differences
• Show up early to family gatherings and leave before things get too wild
• Create intentional traditions—weekly, monthly, and seasonal—that become memory anchors
• Be transparent with your children about your mistakes and growth
• Teach children that siblings are a team who should support each other
• Demonstrate through your actions that love conquers all difficulties
• Remember that building a legacy takes time, prayer, and persistence
We're not perfect people by any means, but by trusting in God we learn what it takes to build connections that will last for generations. Remember to check out our Love by Faith Playbook—a living document updated monthly with fresh strategies to help you and your partner love by faith and create a winning season.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your
family.
How to leave a lasting legacywith your family?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I think couples have to choose how they want this to
look.
I want.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Thanksgiving dinner to not end in an argument.
How can we make that happen?
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship arelationship and marriage that
has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
With a keeping it real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through, are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
What are you laughing at?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Because I talk too much.
Yeah, you do, getting thesechit chats, and I just keep
going, I just never stop.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Let me explain what just happened, guys, because
this happened before we hitrecord.
So we're talking justlollygagging, just
dibble-dabbling, if you will,chit-chatting, and every time I
make a statement, Kyle just kindof throws me under the bus with
a comeback statement and it'slike why?
(01:30):
Bro why I I didn't call forthis am I hurting your feelings?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
I?
Speaker 1 (01:32):
just woke up.
No, I'm tough.
Okay, I clap back.
Yes, but hopefully no doubt,see, see what I mean.
You see what I mean.
You're just like oh yeah, it'stotally she, she knows, it's
like man bro it's good thatyou're honest with yourself.
Thank you, but you were justlike cheerfully brutal with it.
You're just cheerfully brutalwith it and if you don't, if
(01:53):
you're not, if you're not quickto to see it, you'll miss it am
I passive aggressive?
No, I don't, I don't know you,is it sarcastic?
should I be offended?
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Little ninja attacks.
Is that how it is Something?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Under the radar.
Poison dart in my neck, can'tsee it.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Welcome to Love by Faith everybody.
We are your hosts, selena andKyle Almodovar.
If you are listening andwatching for the first time,
welcome.
This is who we are and we'rehappy to have you here.
Thank you for just picking usup and deciding to take a stab
at it.
For those of you guys who'vebeen watching and been listening
, you guys know that we're atthe end of our Season 2 season.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
We're in the last series, we're in the last series
of the season, season 2.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
So we're glad that you made it with us this far,
and let's just jump right in.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
So, as you guys know or may not know, we're in a
series called Legacy how youleave a lasting impression in
your relationship and in theworld and last week we talked a
lot about friends leaving.
Lasting friendships got.
We got a lot of good listenerson that one.
Kyle, what are your thoughts on, uh, how we left that episode
(03:11):
with friends?
Do you have any more things youwant to say when it comes to
friends?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I think friends have have a really special value
because good friends are the,the family you choose, and so,
as cliche as that sounds, itstill is real that we're
choosing to keep these peopleclose and love them through
thick and thin and and do lifewith them, and that's a huge
(03:35):
commitment and it could be areally strong part of your
legacy.
And, uh, you know, I think backto my parents.
They had great friends alltheir life, like lifelong
friends, and I still, you know,even to my parents, they had
great friends all their life,lifelong friends, and I still,
even though my parents had movedon, still know and love and
text and stay connected withthat's great.
So that's a great legacy because, even though they're gone, I
(03:56):
could still have a piece of myparents through their friends.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
That's awesome.
That's a beautiful bow, yeah,Wonderful bow.
I remember growing up there wasa saying that said you can pick
your friends.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
You don't even know what I'm going to say.
Why are you laughing?
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Keep going.
I hope you see what I'm goingto say.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Of course I'm going to say what you think.
I'm going to say Go See what Imean, okay, say, go see what I
mean.
Okay, you see what I mean.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
You see this right, like I didn't, you totally just
said, you can pick your friends,you can pick your food on the
dollar item menu, you can pickyour nose, but you can't pick
your family and that is whatwe're going to talk about in
(04:50):
today's episode is how to leavea lasting legacy with your
family amen, I did not think youwere going to say, uh, you
could pick your fast food whatdid you think I was going to say
?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
straight to the nose.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Straight to the nose I gotta off guard, got to keep
you on your toes.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
That's why I laugh so much.
Thank you.
Yes, we can't pick our family.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Okay, let's talk about our experience.
The best way for us to teachyou guys what we learned in our
lessons and the best way toencourage you is to share our
experience and to share what welearned in this category.
And so Kyle, and.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
I Let me ask you.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I cut her off.
You sure did I cut her off.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
You sure did All right.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Sorry, go for it.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
No, go for it.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Go for it Go.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
When did you, Selena, start thinking about family
legacy?
When didena start thinkingabout family legacy?
Speaker 1 (05:45):
when did I start thinking about family legacy?
Yeah can we define familylegacy before we talk about how
and when, how far along I'vebeen thinking about it.
Because when you think aboutfamily, like isn't family legacy
already?
Like there's ancestors andgenerations and generations like
there's already a legacy there.
(06:06):
So valid point.
Okay, so explain to me, kyle,what family legacy means to you.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
When I think of family legacy, I think of, a,
how we impact our children, ouroffspring, and then, b, how we
impact our extended familythrough our witness for Christ
and through our relationshipsand loving them in a godly way.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
So to answer your question, when did I start
thinking about family legacy?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
I was 10 years old.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Okay, 10.
10.
Like you know that for a fact.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I know this for a fact.
I was 10 years old Because,yeah, my upbringing wasn't
rainbows and roses, okay.
And so in the midst of myupbringing, when I had down
moments, I thought to myselfmaybe I thought it, maybe Holy
Spirit put it in me, okay.
But I thought to myself, oneday you'll have a daughter and
(07:07):
you get to be somethingdifferent for her, oh, okay.
And so I always thought of thatscenario.
So my parents got divorced whenI was eight, and so nine was
really like a year fulltransition.
My mother got pregnant with myyounger brother when I was nine.
So when I was 10, my youngerbrother was born, we were fully
(07:30):
divorced and life started inthis whole new light.
And so I was like I guess I wasdepressed, I guess I was
hurting, obviously grieving thefamily life that I thought I was
going to have.
And so I always thought likeone day I'm going to have a
daughter and I will be able togive her the childhood and the
(07:53):
life that I wanted.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Why, that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Yeah, so 10 years old .
Speaker 2 (07:58):
So you were thinking about the legacy.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Then when I got pregnant, when it became real,
then I was like oh snap, becausethen fast forward.
We got married.
We met in church.
Our values are different thanour upbringing.
We do not drink, we do notsmoke, we try to keep a clean
mouth.
We go to church on Sundays.
(08:24):
We value that.
We value our church friends.
We value reading the Bible andpraying, making that an active
part of our lifestyle.
Not everybody in our family issimilar to that.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
That's okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
And that's fine, that's totally fine.
But when we first got married,there was a leave and a cleave.
There was more cleaving andthere was a lot of leaving,
should I say?
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
There was a lot of leaving, because in all of our
family engagements on both sidesthere was some form of things
that did not align with ourvalues, and so we felt it was
best for us to really fortifywhat we value and fortify what
is meaningful to us, and so weset we did a lot of separation
(09:09):
in those beginning stages.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So when we, when I got pregnant, like go back, go
back to this moment when I gotpregnant and we started to have
children, then the idea of likewhat do I want to put my like,
what environments do I want toput my children in, yes, became
a huge discussion seriousconversation, for you know like
absolutely.
For example, god bless her, godrest her soul.
(09:33):
But your mother smoked.
Yeah, she smoked cigarettes.
Yeah, I I had a huge problemwith this.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Yeah, because I was like I don't want my children
around a bunch of smoke yeahthis was a huge problem yeah,
yeah, we talked about it bigchallenge for us till her dying
days like this was a hugeproblem yeah, especially as a
newlywed couple, and for me itwas so normal in my life because
I'd grown up with it, I'd grownup around it and I always
thought, well, it's just, youtake the good with the bad with
people, and that was one ofthose things that I just, I
(10:02):
guess I rationalized oroverlooked because it was my mom
.
What am I supposed to do?
It's my mom, and so I justlived like that.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, it was pretty charling and so those kind of
things really was a challenge.
It was a challenge because, tome, when we were early on, it
made me feel like we were theones that changed these people
did not.
So, therefore, if we want to bewith them, we have to conform
(10:34):
to their lifestyle and theirenvironment, not to say that we
have to pick up a cigarette andwe have to pick up a beer, but
we have to go into theirenvironment.
Environment, which means we'reconforming to them.
I was really struggling withthis because I felt like I don't
want to come into agreementwith this yeah I don't want to
come into like then we would.
Then there was a season where wewere like well, let's invite
(10:55):
them to our space, let's let'sinvite them there.
And there were people who werevery uncomfortable with that as
well.
They felt like they were introuble if they cussed and it's
just like no.
So there was a lot of back andforth that we had to figure out
for the sake of our children andfor the sake of us having
family around.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
And we could keep the .
I mean keeping on the topic of,like, my mom had a hard time
coming over to visit and we hadto figure out, like, how we were
going to communicate that toher, how we were going to uh,
approach it.
If you know, if she was I don'twant to say rebellious, but she
was like no, this isn't gonnawork, or something you know and
like.
And so we had to strategize andprioritize our family values so
(11:37):
that our family could have thepeace that we wanted.
Like and as a as the guy, I hadto really battle because you
were asking me to, we were, wewere.
We as a couple were asking me asthe leader, as the husband, as
the one whose family member togo out on a limb and challenge
her challenge my mom onsomething I never challenged her
(11:59):
on, and so this was a huge partof the leave and cleave for me
was really like I have toprioritize you and prioritize
this family legacy over myparents' family legacy of being
respectful and respecting theirdecisions by not questioning
them.
That's good, and so that was ahuge step for me as a man to
(12:22):
really understand what my legacywas going to be, yeah, and to
to model it for the kids rightto show as your man.
Yeah, I'm going to 100.
Be on board.
Yeah, for this team yeah youknow, and that's, that's a
challenge and it takes differentshapes for other couples, like
like what you know, sundaydinner, yeah, was a huge one for
(12:44):
my family.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Growing up like we would always have the dinner we
would always go to.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Well, it's like dinner, but I say it's a dinner,
but it was more like brunchokay at the church we'd go over
to my great-grandmother's.
Everybody would eat and betogether and it would be, you
know, something that we rightnow I would say we wouldn't go
to, we wouldn't do?
We wouldn't go there yeah, wewouldn't do, we wouldn't go
there yeah.
But as we established ourboundaries, I think young in our
(13:10):
marriage, people respected themmore and met us in the middle.
Yes, I'm grateful, so gratefulthat our family met us in the
middle on that and accepted ityeah, accepted it.
And so by having thatcourageous first year-ish, we
were able to have a moreenjoyable family life years into
it.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
So another challenge that I can recall is you know, I
think you and I both grew upthe same, in the sense that we
were always around a lot ofuncles, a lot of aunts, a lot of
cousins.
We were constantly in thisvillage of family and I think
(13:54):
honestly it's because there'smatriarchs in our family and
then once the matriarchs kind ofpassed away, people don't do it
as much.
They don't do it as muchanymore as it used to be.
And one of the challenges isyou know, when you have kids,
you expect people to want tocome and visit the kids.
You expect people to want toconsider the kids, love on the
(14:14):
kids, because you love your kidsand you're just like they love
me, so therefore they shouldlove my offspring and not all of
your family are like that.
You know, when your, when yourmother passed, for example,
there was a period where yourfather was grieving and he
wasn't really trying to comeover to see children.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
No, he was trying to figure himself out.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
You know, and same thing like with my father, like
he's not the one who willnecessarily come and visit our
kids on a regular basis.
And so there are families outthere who have parents, who have
grandparents, and I mean I wantto say this is even a
generational thing, where theboomer grandparents are less
(14:57):
likely to be like their parentsinviting and coming and just
spending time and beingconnected with their
grandchildren and with their,you know, great niece or great
nephew, and there's kind of thatgap.
And so in the beginning we wereI don't know we were taken back
or I know I was.
There was a fence in there atsome point because it's like how
(15:18):
come you don't want to see mykids, you don't even care about
my kids?
You don't even know, my kids,you know.
And so we, we were either stuckin that offense and we caused
this drip to continue on, or, Ithink in 20, when we started
going back to church after COVID, we finally made the decision
of like we don't want our kidsto not know their grandparents,
(15:45):
don't want our kids to not knowtheir grandparents, we don't
want our kids to not know thisextended family.
And so we decided to make aneffort to like we're just going
to bring them to them.
If things get out of hand we'regoing to leave, but we're going
to at least create a bridge forthat, so that that could take
place.
And it has helped.
I think the more that they getto know our kids, the more they
love our kids and they see ourkids and it creates a thing.
(16:06):
But there's a lot of pressurefor families who are have the
disconnect, who feel like theyare obligated to be the bridge
in addition to being there fortheir children, and there's a
lot like there's nothinghappening on the other side of
that bridge, like you're eithergoing to make the effort or
(16:27):
you're not, and that's veryfrustrating sometimes it's
draining it's straining yes,yeah, man it.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
As a parent it does.
I't say it leaves you feelingrejected, but it makes you feel
like if they don't value to takea step forward, why should I
value taking a step forward?
Exactly, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this
episode, and right now we wantto just take a small minute to
introduce to you the latestthing that we created to help
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It's called the Love by FaithPlaybook.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
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We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
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Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
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We went through all thesedifferent areas from the
(17:21):
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Speaker 1 (17:22):
So grab your love by faith playbook today.
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(17:42):
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Go ahead and get your love byfaith playbook now and let's get
back into this episode.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
And so we came to this place where, like you said,
after COVID, we were like wedon't want this like this.
We established our vision as afamily of what our family values
were, and our family valueswere to connect with our family,
not just go two or three timesa year to these family functions
, but really connect, really bethere on just random weeks, like
(18:16):
the after church brunch that Italked about before, be at those
kind of things.
And we chose to be thereregardless.
We chose to be there to to like, teach our children how to work
through it, that it's okay tobe there and not be in the mix
of of the negative things youknow, and so the turning point
(18:37):
for us came when we made thatchoice.
I think couples have to choosehow they want this to look.
We had a heart-to-heart wherewe made a vision of how we
wanted our family life to be.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
And then we went after it, right, and so, like a
lot of times, I think peoplejust let it come to them.
I think that's the mistake theymake is like we'll just figure
this out as it comes.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Right and they're not intentional.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
And I think that's one of your strengths.
And one of the things that wehave in common are we have where
we're opposite.
In so many ways we are verycommon in our intentionality.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Like to think through it before we just start doing
stuff right, like we count thecost, and I think that that we
had a moment where we countedthe cost of family and not
participating in family anddeciding to participate, yeah,
where it made us move forwardyes, I have two things.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
The the first thing is and then we can can move on
from this and kind of gear intomore of the immediate family.
But the first thing I want tosay is, a long time ago I heard
an interview from DenzelWashington, okay, and he said
that's a bad example, okay.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
It's a bad example.
King Kong, you got nothing onme, no.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I wasn't going to say that that's a good movie.
I was going to say he leavesbefore the devil comes.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Okay, and so for our family who enjoys a beverage,
you know, and who enjoy a littlemore, you know, smoking and
hanging out and more of thatkind of side, that lively side
what we do is we make sure thatwe show up on time, show up on
time to the event and then youcan leave a little earlier
(20:22):
before things get crazy and wild.
And that's something that wehave decided, have chosen to do.
We show up early so that we'rethere, so that our kids can
enjoy it, and then we kind ofleave before it gets too late or
even before they're.
You know, one of the reasonswhy people choose not to do
these events is because theirchildren are tired, they're
over-tired.
They're overstimulated, theydon't want to be around a bunch
(20:43):
of people and so, like, thatleaves a strain and so we leave
in a time that suits us, whichalso happens to be a time when
things get a little morechillaxed and relaxed in that
other sense that we don't highlyvalue.
And oh, the second thing Iwanted to say is we were also
very open and honest with ourfamily about what we like and
(21:05):
don't like.
Sometimes people just stopinviting you because your values
are different and they don'twant to feel uncomfortable.
They think that a lot of thetimes, people who are not
following in their faith asstrongly as you might be might
look at you and think thatyou're judging them and so they
(21:25):
get uncomfortable and so theydon't invite you, they don't
include you, because they feellike I want to be my whole self,
I want to drink, I want tosmoke, I want to cuss and I
don't want to have to conformmyself because you're around,
right, and vice versa.
Christian families might belike I don't want to bring Uncle
Larry around because he's goingto drink, he's going to burp,
(21:47):
he's going to make a mess, he'sgoing to sleep on my couch, he's
going to snore, he's going tostink, he's going to keep
smoking.
I don't want him around, sowe're not going to invite him.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
And so you're left with this judgment of like I
choose not to invite thesepeople because I want things to
be easier on my end.
And something that we did waswe got very real and we were
like listen, this is one of thereasons why we think we don't
want to come because of A, b andC and they're like, okay, well,
it's not going to be like that.
(22:16):
And you know, we came to anagreement and we were very real
and had real conversations, notjust with each other and our
intentions but with our familyof like this is what we don't
want.
Yeah, we don't want it to belike this.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
That's real.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You know, and we having those conversations.
I know not everybody can havethose conversations because
everybody is different andsometimes people can't
communicate.
It takes time for thatrelationship to be there yes,
exactly, and to be open andtransparent and to to know that
you're saying it in love and toknow that you're saying it in a
nonjudgmental way, but you'rejust using this conversation as
(22:56):
a way of like I want this toexist for my family, Right?
I want us to be close.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I want to participate , I want.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Christmas to feel like it used to when we were
kids growing up.
I want Thanksgiving dinner tonot end in an argument and to
not end in a fighting match.
I want us to have a good way.
How can we make that happen?
And if they cannot conform to acompromising situation, then
you know like, okay, we tried,like it is what it is, because
(23:27):
it's not always going to end inroses and rainbows.
Which leads me to the immediatefamily.
You know things that we do withjust our children to leave a
lasting legacy.
I know my childhood and thechildhood that I am trying to
provide for my children arevastly different.
(23:47):
My kids do a lot more thingsand I go out of my way a lot for
the children, and that wasn'talways what I was brought up
with, but because I was like,what do I want to have?
I always think forward.
If my children are adults, howdo I want them to react to us?
(24:07):
I want them to come over allthe time.
I tell everybody about this,about my grandmaster plan.
I've been plotting this foryears.
I'm in.
I'm in the ninth year.
Our son just turned nine lastweek.
I'm in the ninth year of thisgrandmaster plan, and the
grandmaster plan is I'm going tolearn how to cook better than
anyone else that my childrenwill ever encounter, so that
(24:31):
they always come back home forthe holidays, because they
always want mom's cooking.
And so I've been doing this.
I've been plotting it.
I want them to meet every girland be like it's not as good as
mom's.
I will say this.
I am not ashamed of it, butthis is something that I think
of is, when my kids get older,what kind of relationship do we
want?
What kind of lasting memoriesdo we want?
(24:53):
And then, how do we get thatstarting today?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
Before I carry on that, I want to ask a question
about this.
Okay, so when they meet theirone and they're like oh, I love
her no matter what, and this ismy.
I want to marry her.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
And they get married?
Yes, will you teach her how tocook your stuff?
Yes will you teach her how tocook your stuff?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
it depends on who this woman is no, it's the one
he's.
They've decided to marry I willteach her married.
I will, okay.
There's a secret.
I know italians do this for afact.
There are some puerto ricanswho do this, maybe all everyone
does.
Let me know if this issomething that happens okay you
will teach them everything.
You will teach them thetechnique, you will teach them
(25:40):
the temperature, you'll givethem the recipe, but you will
leave out that one ingredient,so that it's never as good as
yours, and you're not going totell them what ingredient it is.
You're gonna have to figure itout.
I would.
I'll probably do that becauseyou've got to come back to me.
You're going to come back to me.
They're going to taste it andthey're like, oh, it's so close,
it's like it's right there.
I don't know what it is, it'sjust okay, it's right there
(26:03):
thank you very much for sharingthat.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
I will.
I will.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I will teach my children, yeah the secrets okay
and it's up to them to share itor bottle it up okay and sell it
yeah but I for them.
I have to see where their heartis.
Are you trying to steal my kidfrom me?
Are you trying to renew me?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
We have to teach them to leave and cleave.
I understand we are trying tokick them out of the nest.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
I'm just sharing my mother heart.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
I want them to leave.
I want them to be independent.
I want them to lovewholeheartedly.
I want them to leave.
I want them to be independent,I want them to love
wholeheartedly.
I want them to love by faith,yeah Right, but I also don't
want to be forgotten as a parent, and that is a real life
concern that I think all parentshave, because think about,
think about the grandparentsituation.
Oh, you don't come and visit meanymore.
(26:57):
Like they seriously get alone.
They get depressed and then theyjust are like okay, well, this
is how I end.
Like how do you go from havingeveryone come to your house
after church every Sunday to now, all of a sudden, they're too
busy, they're too consumed, theyhave all the recipes they need,
they're going to do their ownthing.
(27:17):
It's now an inconvenience tocome and visit grandma.
Like this is real legacy.
And then you and then they justwalk away.
Like how do we keep people, howdo we keep our family from
doing that?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
So it's to keep our family from falling away, we
have to keep going and keepshowing up, and so we have to
keep being intentional.
I think one of the great thingsthat we're doing to be
intentional, to keep our kidsclose and to make that love deep
and to make that connectiondeep is we have so many
traditions.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
John to John, so many traditions.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Monthly, weekly, seasonally.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
We do.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
You're really intentional?
Speaker 1 (27:55):
with Very into traditions.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
Creating traditions and creating moments in our
family, like the paper chains.
You used to do paper chains forevery birthday.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
And the foods that only come out during certain
seasons, so that it's like, oh,this is so good right now the
cultural I do the culturalcelebrations of every culture.
And then the summer adventures.
Like you, you have some awesomesummer adventures that are just
this is what we do in thesummer, and one that we brought
(28:28):
that I brought from my familywas the father's day camping
trip.
Like no matter what, onfather's day we go camping yeah
and so those moments help buildinto the family legacy of
memories of spending timetogether in a real, valuable,
genuine way.
They don't happen by accident.
Right Before we had kids, wetalked about them.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
And we planned them and we went camping and we
really practiced it so that whenit came with the kids we did it
.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
We have changed diapers in tents, diapers in
tents and we have we have um hadbad traditional food in seasons
where we were learning how tobuild that tradition.
Yeah, we had to learn how to doit.
Sorry for you no, that'sperfect.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
We had to learn how to do it yeah we had to be
intentional, we had to have thevision.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
We had to learn how to do it and not be afraid if it
messes up the first couple ofhundred times yes, and not be
afraid if it messes up.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Not be afraid to say, hey, that was the wrong move.
We shouldn't have missed thatcelebration, right?
Because?
Moving forward worried, right,right like.
And now we use thosecelebrations as teaching moments
like hey look, this is whathappens, yeah, this is how you
speak up and hey, this is whenwe're going to choose to leave,
right, mm-hmm.
And so it's part of the legacyhas been to do this and to do it
(29:52):
wrong and to mess it up, butstill try again and get better
and show the kids, showing thekids.
That we can do this and we canbe wrong.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yes, we're so transparent with our kids and
admitting like I screwed that upI shouldn't have handled it
that way.
We always talk to our kidsabout our mistakes and how we're
not perfect and how we get itwrong and how we're trying to
get it right.
We always explain to them ourprogress and how we are works in
progress progress and how weare works in progress, like
(30:25):
we're very open and honest aboutwhere we are as adults and as
humans and just as parents andtrying to figure it all out.
And they it's just unbelievableat this point in their lives,
you know, right now they're nine, seven and four.
At this point in their lives,they the amount of grace that is
instilled in them because weshow them that side of us,
(30:45):
because we don't tell them, youknow, this is grown folks
business and keep out and stayaway Like and you don't need to
know all that and you don't needto question what I'm doing.
You know we, you know it's.
It's just so amazing, Like evenwith Jubilee, you know I'll
have.
We go on family trips now and Ihave meltdowns because I'm a
mom, I have past anger issues.
(31:06):
I'm stressed, I'm hormonal.
I talk about it in all of theepisodes before this.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
You're as transparent with the podcast as you are
with the kids Exactly.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And so in my moments you know I am getting better at
them, but they still come.
So in my moments I and I havethis meltdown.
And then, you know, fiveseconds later I try to come back
and I'm like guys, this is whathappened and this is you know
where I'm at and this is what Idelicately, and she'll just be
like, oh, mom, you just have totake a deep breath.
(31:49):
Don't worry, mom, I love youwhen you get it right and I love
you when you get it wrong, it'sokay.
And then, like, william willcome and rat, like they'll just
all come rally around and it'slike, wow, this is the fruit of
being transparent and being openand being connected to your
children and making thesemoments and being intentional
and showing them like this iswhat it's all about and this is
how you love your family.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
And taking those seasons to get it wrong and
build up and to get to thispoint is huge, being willing to
screw it up and to fix it.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
It's a huge part of family legacy, I think, and
letting them know that love iswhat conquers all yeah, you know
yeah, we're going out of ourway and we're being
uncomfortable and we're makingthat 45 minute trip to visit
family because we love them andbecause they love us and because
we want them to be in our life.
yeah, you're arguing with yoursibling and you guys are
(32:43):
squabbling and you don't likeeach other right now.
You better turn around and loveyour brother.
We're going to show you thatlove conquers all of those
things, because when you guysgrow up, we don't want you guys
to be distant, we don't want youto grow apart.
We want you guys to know thatlove is what's going to bring
you back together and love iswhat's going to make it better
one of my favorite things to sayto the kids you guys are a team
yes, you guys got to worktogether and figure that out.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
You guys, are you got to have each other's back?
Yes, right like yes do it andand that that's clicked.
You know, maybe not in thefirst right, it doesn't click
the first time yes but it'sclicked in such a way now where
I see it, I I don't have to sayit, I have to say it a lot less.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
And it's beautiful.
I'm grateful and glory to Godfor all of it, because it's not
on our own power.
Right, it's through lots ofprayer.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Lots of asking for forgiveness.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Lots of trial and error, lots of parenting woes.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
And that's what I can say about family legacy.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yes, I think so too.
We talked about intentionality,we talked about love.
We talked about being thebridge.
We talked about communicationbeing transparent.
And all of those things arewhat's going to help you build
that lasting legacy, just not inyour immediate family, but also
in your extended family, and sowe hope that you take this, you
have conversations with yourspouse, see what you guys can do
(34:06):
to create a long, lastinglegacy and your family circle
and environment, and let us knowif you have questions, let us
know if you have testimoniesthat you want to share.
We would love to share thosethings.
Shout out to everybody who islistening.
You know, I know cultures.
It comes to families.
So those of you guys who arelistening overseas and in
different countries anddifferent areas, we just pray
(34:27):
that this also blesses you andthat you can take some of it
away and just allow God tominister to you guys in this
area as well.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
Right, we appreciate you being here.
We're not perfect people, right, as the intro says.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
By any means.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
But by doing things, by getting better, by trying to
build a legacy, we get better atloving by faith.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Amen.
Why don't we go ahead and prayout?
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Lord, thank you for today.
Thank you for our mistakes, forour flaws, for our weaknesses,
thank you for our shortcomings.
You are made strong in ourweaknesses and we just pray that
today, in our family and in ourlisteners' families, you are
the light.
You are the guiding light, theone that shows how to build a
(35:18):
legacy.
I pray that people are forwardthinking, that people have you
in mind when they plan what theywant their legacy to look like.
I pray that our words helpencourage, build up, lord,
correct if necessary, and I justpray that your Holy Spirit is
flowing through all of it InJesus's name, amen.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Thank you guys so much for tuning in and listening
and watching the Love by Faithpodcast.
If you are here with us onYouTube, make sure you like,
share and subscribe.
If you're here with uslistening on Apple or Spotify or
iHeartRadio or any of the otherlistening platforms, please
give us a five-star review.
Let other people know how tofind us through your words so
(35:59):
that they, too, can learn how tolove by faith.
Tune in.
Next week we will be here forour last series of the season.
Keeping it in the legacymindset, we hope to see you
there.
Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Have a great day love , by faith, y'all love by faith,
y'all bye that was real man.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
That was real, it's.
Uh, one of my challenges istalking about family without
sounding judgy yes, I don't wantto sound judgy yes.
I love my family.
They're great.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Yes, you do you are a huge family man, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I take it seriously.
I love when I catch the kids umfacetiming with enchantment.
Yes, I love when they're on thefacetime with their amp.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
It's awesome so we did that time capsule.
Oh yeah, we did the the voicememo time capsule on.
And the fourth of july, yeah,and did you notice that um
jubilee shouted out and shannonI mean, I remembered it in the
moment, but I thought it was theother kid she said I really
love and shannon because she cutmy hair short oh yeah, she did
(37:06):
say that.
I remember that now jubilee onlyhad one haircut and she will
remember the haircut for life.
Yeah, I need to set up a newone for her so she can before
school she'll get it back toschool, back to school trim.
Yeah yeah, oh that's cute, no,it's, it's great, it's great.
I really love where we're at inthis season with our family,
(37:27):
all family, on either end.
I love where we're at becauseit didn't used to be this way.
Um, the communication wasn't asstrong, the connection wasn't
as strong and I think on bothends we've put a lot of great
effort and consideration intoeveryone and they have been
doing their part as well yeahand I think for the sake of the
(37:49):
kids.
You know, as they get older theyare um really leaning into that
and really into.
You know, they're no longerbabies with their, with mindless
thoughts.
Right now they're actualchildren who have conversations
and who have likes and dislikes,and it's they're.
They're able to see theirpersonality come out right that
(38:10):
memory anchor is there yeah forlots of family yeah that's great
yeah okay, get out of here.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
This is the post-credit scene and we're
rambling yeah, not rambling,we're starting a whole
post-credit scene and we'rerambling.
Yeah, not rambling, we'restarting a whole other episode.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Are you saying I'm rambling?
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Maybe Wow, no, I said we weren't rambling, okay, but
we're starting a whole otherepisode.
I got to go.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Where are you going?
Where are you going at thishour?
Speaker 2 (38:34):
No, I got to go, don't worry let it happen, grown
folks business.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Okay, mind your business, lady, all right, good
day.
Nobody sees, nobody saw thatlet's go okay, okay.
You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your
family.
How to leave a lasting legacywith your family?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I think couples have to choose how they want this to
look.
I want.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Thanksgiving dinner to not end in an argument.
How can we make that happen?
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship arelationship and marriage that
has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
With a keeping it real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through, are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
What are you laughing at?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Because I talk too much.
Yeah, you do, getting thesechit chats, and I just keep
going, I just never stop.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Let me explain what just happened, guys, because
this happened before we hitrecord.
So we're talking justlollygagging, just
dibble-dabbling, if you will,chit-chatting, and every time I
make a statement, Kyle just kindof throws me under the bus with
a comeback statement and it'slike why?
(01:30):
Bro why I I didn't call forthis am I hurting your feelings?
Speaker 2 (01:32):
I?
Speaker 1 (01:32):
just woke up.
No, I'm tough.
Okay, I clap back.
Yes, but hopefully no doubt,see, see what I mean.
You see what I mean.
You're just like oh yeah, it'stotally she, she knows, it's
like man bro it's good thatyou're honest with yourself.
Thank you, but you were justlike cheerfully brutal with it.
You're just cheerfully brutalwith it and if you don't, if
(01:53):
you're not, if you're not quickto to see it, you'll miss it am
I passive aggressive?
No, I don't, I don't know you,is it sarcastic?
should I be offended?
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Little ninja attacks.
Is that how it is Something?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Under the radar.
Poison dart in my neck, can'tsee it.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Welcome to Love by Faith everybody.
We are your hosts, selena andKyle Almodovar.
If you are listening andwatching for the first time,
welcome.
This is who we are and we'rehappy to have you here.
Thank you for just picking usup and deciding to take a stab
at it.
For those of you guys who'vebeen watching and been listening
, you guys know that we're atthe end of our Season 2 season.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
We're in the last series, we're in the last series
of the season, season 2.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
So we're glad that you made it with us this far,
and let's just jump right in.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
So, as you guys know or may not know, we're in a
series called Legacy how youleave a lasting impression in
your relationship and in theworld and last week we talked a
lot about friends leaving.
Lasting friendships got.
We got a lot of good listenerson that one.
Kyle, what are your thoughts on, uh, how we left that episode
(03:11):
with friends?
Do you have any more things youwant to say when it comes to
friends?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
I think friends have have a really special value
because good friends are the,the family you choose, and so,
as cliche as that sounds, itstill is real that we're
choosing to keep these peopleclose and love them through
thick and thin and and do lifewith them, and that's a huge
(03:35):
commitment and it could be areally strong part of your
legacy.
And, uh, you know, I think backto my parents.
They had great friends alltheir life, like lifelong
friends, and I still, you know,even to my parents, they had
great friends all their life,lifelong friends, and I still,
even though my parents had movedon, still know and love and
text and stay connected withthat's great.
So that's a great legacy because, even though they're gone, I
(03:56):
could still have a piece of myparents through their friends.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
That's awesome.
That's a beautiful bow, yeah,Wonderful bow.
I remember growing up there wasa saying that said you can pick
your friends.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
You don't even know what I'm going to say.
Why are you laughing?
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Keep going.
I hope you see what I'm goingto say.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Of course I'm going to say what you think.
I'm going to say Go See what Imean, okay, say, go see what I
mean.
Okay, you see what I mean.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
You see this right, like I didn't, you totally just
said, you can pick your friends,you can pick your food on the
dollar item menu, you can pickyour nose, but you can't pick
your family and that is whatwe're going to talk about in
(04:50):
today's episode is how to leavea lasting legacy with your
family amen, I did not think youwere going to say, uh, you
could pick your fast food whatdid you think I was going to say
?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
straight to the nose.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Straight to the nose I gotta off guard, got to keep
you on your toes.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
That's why I laugh so much.
Thank you.
Yes, we can't pick our family.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Okay, let's talk about our experience.
The best way for us to teachyou guys what we learned in our
lessons and the best way toencourage you is to share our
experience and to share what welearned in this category.
And so Kyle, and.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
I Let me ask you.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I cut her off.
You sure did I cut her off.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
You sure did All right.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Sorry, go for it.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
No, go for it.
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Go for it Go.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
When did you, Selena, start thinking about family
legacy?
When didena start thinkingabout family legacy?
Speaker 1 (05:45):
when did I start thinking about family legacy?
Yeah can we define familylegacy before we talk about how
and when, how far along I'vebeen thinking about it.
Because when you think aboutfamily, like isn't family legacy
already?
Like there's ancestors andgenerations and generations like
there's already a legacy there.
(06:06):
So valid point.
Okay, so explain to me, kyle,what family legacy means to you.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
When I think of family legacy, I think of, a,
how we impact our children, ouroffspring, and then, b, how we
impact our extended familythrough our witness for Christ
and through our relationshipsand loving them in a godly way.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
So to answer your question, when did I start
thinking about family legacy?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
I was 10 years old.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Okay, 10.
10.
Like you know that for a fact.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
I know this for a fact.
I was 10 years old Because,yeah, my upbringing wasn't
rainbows and roses, okay.
And so in the midst of myupbringing, when I had down
moments, I thought to myselfmaybe I thought it, maybe Holy
Spirit put it in me, okay.
But I thought to myself, oneday you'll have a daughter and
(07:07):
you get to be somethingdifferent for her, oh, okay.
And so I always thought of thatscenario.
So my parents got divorced whenI was eight, and so nine was
really like a year fulltransition.
My mother got pregnant with myyounger brother when I was nine.
So when I was 10, my youngerbrother was born, we were fully
(07:30):
divorced and life started inthis whole new light.
And so I was like I guess I wasdepressed, I guess I was
hurting, obviously grieving thefamily life that I thought I was
going to have.
And so I always thought likeone day I'm going to have a
daughter and I will be able togive her the childhood and the
(07:53):
life that I wanted.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
Why, that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Yeah, so 10 years old .
Speaker 2 (07:58):
So you were thinking about the legacy.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Then when I got pregnant, when it became real,
then I was like oh snap, becausethen fast forward.
We got married.
We met in church.
Our values are different thanour upbringing.
We do not drink, we do notsmoke, we try to keep a clean
mouth.
We go to church on Sundays.
(08:24):
We value that.
We value our church friends.
We value reading the Bible andpraying, making that an active
part of our lifestyle.
Not everybody in our family issimilar to that.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
That's okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
And that's fine, that's totally fine.
But when we first got married,there was a leave and a cleave.
There was more cleaving andthere was a lot of leaving,
should I say?
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
There was a lot of leaving, because in all of our
family engagements on both sidesthere was some form of things
that did not align with ourvalues, and so we felt it was
best for us to really fortifywhat we value and fortify what
is meaningful to us, and so weset we did a lot of separation
(09:09):
in those beginning stages.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So when we, when I got pregnant, like go back, go
back to this moment when I gotpregnant and we started to have
children, then the idea of likewhat do I want to put my like,
what environments do I want toput my children in, yes, became
a huge discussion seriousconversation, for you know like
absolutely.
For example, god bless her, godrest her soul.
(09:33):
But your mother smoked.
Yeah, she smoked cigarettes.
Yeah, I I had a huge problemwith this.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
Yeah, because I was like I don't want my children
around a bunch of smoke yeahthis was a huge problem yeah,
yeah, we talked about it bigchallenge for us till her dying
days like this was a hugeproblem yeah, especially as a
newlywed couple, and for me itwas so normal in my life because
I'd grown up with it, I'd grownup around it and I always
thought, well, it's just, youtake the good with the bad with
people, and that was one ofthose things that I just, I
(10:02):
guess I rationalized oroverlooked because it was my mom
.
What am I supposed to do?
It's my mom, and so I justlived like that.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yeah, it was pretty charling and so those kind of
things really was a challenge.
It was a challenge because, tome, when we were early on, it
made me feel like we were theones that changed these people
did not.
So, therefore, if we want to bewith them, we have to conform
(10:34):
to their lifestyle and theirenvironment, not to say that we
have to pick up a cigarette andwe have to pick up a beer, but
we have to go into theirenvironment.
Environment, which means we'reconforming to them.
I was really struggling withthis because I felt like I don't
want to come into agreementwith this yeah I don't want to
come into like then we would.
Then there was a season where wewere like well, let's invite
(10:55):
them to our space, let's let'sinvite them there.
And there were people who werevery uncomfortable with that as
well.
They felt like they were introuble if they cussed and it's
just like no.
So there was a lot of back andforth that we had to figure out
for the sake of our children andfor the sake of us having
family around.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
And we could keep the .
I mean keeping on the topic of,like, my mom had a hard time
coming over to visit and we hadto figure out, like, how we were
going to communicate that toher, how we were going to uh,
approach it.
If you know, if she was I don'twant to say rebellious, but she
was like no, this isn't gonnawork, or something you know and
like.
And so we had to strategize andprioritize our family values so
(11:37):
that our family could have thepeace that we wanted.
Like and as a as the guy, I hadto really battle because you
were asking me to, we were, wewere.
We as a couple were asking me asthe leader, as the husband, as
the one whose family member togo out on a limb and challenge
her challenge my mom onsomething I never challenged her
(11:59):
on, and so this was a huge partof the leave and cleave for me
was really like I have toprioritize you and prioritize
this family legacy over myparents' family legacy of being
respectful and respecting theirdecisions by not questioning
them.
That's good, and so that was ahuge step for me as a man to
(12:22):
really understand what my legacywas going to be, yeah, and to
to model it for the kids rightto show as your man.
Yeah, I'm going to 100.
Be on board.
Yeah, for this team yeah youknow, and that's, that's a
challenge and it takes differentshapes for other couples, like
like what you know, sundaydinner, yeah, was a huge one for
(12:44):
my family.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Growing up like we would always have the dinner we
would always go to.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Well, it's like dinner, but I say it's a dinner,
but it was more like brunchokay at the church we'd go over
to my great-grandmother's.
Everybody would eat and betogether and it would be, you
know, something that we rightnow I would say we wouldn't go
to, we wouldn't do?
We wouldn't go there yeah, wewouldn't do, we wouldn't go
there yeah.
But as we established ourboundaries, I think young in our
(13:10):
marriage, people respected themmore and met us in the middle.
Yes, I'm grateful, so gratefulthat our family met us in the
middle on that and accepted ityeah, accepted it.
And so by having thatcourageous first year-ish, we
were able to have a moreenjoyable family life years into
it.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
So another challenge that I can recall is you know, I
think you and I both grew upthe same, in the sense that we
were always around a lot ofuncles, a lot of aunts, a lot of
cousins.
We were constantly in thisvillage of family and I think
(13:54):
honestly it's because there'smatriarchs in our family and
then once the matriarchs kind ofpassed away, people don't do it
as much.
They don't do it as muchanymore as it used to be.
And one of the challenges isyou know, when you have kids,
you expect people to want tocome and visit the kids.
You expect people to want toconsider the kids, love on the
(14:14):
kids, because you love your kidsand you're just like they love
me, so therefore they shouldlove my offspring and not all of
your family are like that.
You know, when your, when yourmother passed, for example,
there was a period where yourfather was grieving and he
wasn't really trying to comeover to see children.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
No, he was trying to figure himself out.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
You know, and same thing like with my father, like
he's not the one who willnecessarily come and visit our
kids on a regular basis.
And so there are families outthere who have parents, who have
grandparents, and I mean I wantto say this is even a
generational thing, where theboomer grandparents are less
(14:57):
likely to be like their parentsinviting and coming and just
spending time and beingconnected with their
grandchildren and with their,you know, great niece or great
nephew, and there's kind of thatgap.
And so in the beginning we wereI don't know we were taken back
or I know I was.
There was a fence in there atsome point because it's like how
(15:18):
come you don't want to see mykids, you don't even care about
my kids?
You don't even know, my kids,you know.
And so we, we were either stuckin that offense and we caused
this drip to continue on, or, Ithink in 20, when we started
going back to church after COVID, we finally made the decision
of like we don't want our kidsto not know their grandparents,
(15:45):
don't want our kids to not knowtheir grandparents, we don't
want our kids to not know thisextended family.
And so we decided to make aneffort to like we're just going
to bring them to them.
If things get out of hand we'regoing to leave, but we're going
to at least create a bridge forthat, so that that could take
place.
And it has helped.
I think the more that they getto know our kids, the more they
love our kids and they see ourkids and it creates a thing.
(16:06):
But there's a lot of pressurefor families who are have the
disconnect, who feel like theyare obligated to be the bridge
in addition to being there fortheir children, and there's a
lot like there's nothinghappening on the other side of
that bridge, like you're eithergoing to make the effort or
(16:27):
you're not, and that's veryfrustrating sometimes it's
draining it's straining yes,yeah, man it.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
As a parent it does.
I't say it leaves you feelingrejected, but it makes you feel
like if they don't value to takea step forward, why should I
value taking a step forward?
Exactly, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this
episode, and right now we wantto just take a small minute to
introduce to you the latestthing that we created to help
you elevate your relationshipand take it to the next level.
It's called the Love by FaithPlaybook.
Speaker 2 (17:01):
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We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
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Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
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Speaker 1 (17:22):
So grab your love by faith playbook today.
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(17:42):
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Go ahead and get your love byfaith playbook now and let's get
back into this episode.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
And so we came to this place where, like you said,
after COVID, we were like wedon't want this like this.
We established our vision as afamily of what our family values
were, and our family valueswere to connect with our family,
not just go two or three timesa year to these family functions
, but really connect, really bethere on just random weeks, like
(18:16):
the after church brunch that Italked about before, be at those
kind of things.
And we chose to be thereregardless.
We chose to be there to to like, teach our children how to work
through it, that it's okay tobe there and not be in the mix
of of the negative things youknow, and so the turning point
(18:37):
for us came when we made thatchoice.
I think couples have to choosehow they want this to look.
We had a heart-to-heart wherewe made a vision of how we
wanted our family life to be.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
And then we went after it, right, and so, like a
lot of times, I think peoplejust let it come to them.
I think that's the mistake theymake is like we'll just figure
this out as it comes.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Right and they're not intentional.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
And I think that's one of your strengths.
And one of the things that wehave in common are we have where
we're opposite.
In so many ways we are verycommon in our intentionality.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Like to think through it before we just start doing
stuff right, like we count thecost, and I think that that we
had a moment where we countedthe cost of family and not
participating in family anddeciding to participate, yeah,
where it made us move forwardyes, I have two things.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
The the first thing is and then we can can move on
from this and kind of gear intomore of the immediate family.
But the first thing I want tosay is, a long time ago I heard
an interview from DenzelWashington, okay, and he said
that's a bad example, okay.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
It's a bad example.
King Kong, you got nothing onme, no.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I wasn't going to say that that's a good movie.
I was going to say he leavesbefore the devil comes.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Okay, and so for our family who enjoys a beverage,
you know, and who enjoy a littlemore, you know, smoking and
hanging out and more of thatkind of side, that lively side
what we do is we make sure thatwe show up on time, show up on
time to the event and then youcan leave a little earlier
(20:22):
before things get crazy and wild.
And that's something that wehave decided, have chosen to do.
We show up early so that we'rethere, so that our kids can
enjoy it, and then we kind ofleave before it gets too late or
even before they're.
You know, one of the reasonswhy people choose not to do
these events is because theirchildren are tired, they're
over-tired.
They're overstimulated, theydon't want to be around a bunch
(20:43):
of people and so, like, thatleaves a strain and so we leave
in a time that suits us, whichalso happens to be a time when
things get a little morechillaxed and relaxed in that
other sense that we don't highlyvalue.
And oh, the second thing Iwanted to say is we were also
very open and honest with ourfamily about what we like and
(21:05):
don't like.
Sometimes people just stopinviting you because your values
are different and they don'twant to feel uncomfortable.
They think that a lot of thetimes, people who are not
following in their faith asstrongly as you might be might
look at you and think thatyou're judging them and so they
(21:25):
get uncomfortable and so theydon't invite you, they don't
include you, because they feellike I want to be my whole self,
I want to drink, I want tosmoke, I want to cuss and I
don't want to have to conformmyself because you're around,
right, and vice versa.
Christian families might belike I don't want to bring Uncle
Larry around because he's goingto drink, he's going to burp,
(21:47):
he's going to make a mess, he'sgoing to sleep on my couch, he's
going to snore, he's going tostink, he's going to keep
smoking.
I don't want him around, sowe're not going to invite him.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
And so you're left with this judgment of like I
choose not to invite thesepeople because I want things to
be easier on my end.
And something that we did waswe got very real and we were
like listen, this is one of thereasons why we think we don't
want to come because of A, b andC and they're like, okay, well,
it's not going to be like that.
(22:16):
And you know, we came to anagreement and we were very real
and had real conversations, notjust with each other and our
intentions but with our familyof like this is what we don't
want.
Yeah, we don't want it to belike this.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
That's real.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You know, and we having those conversations.
I know not everybody can havethose conversations because
everybody is different andsometimes people can't
communicate.
It takes time for thatrelationship to be there yes,
exactly, and to be open andtransparent and to to know that
you're saying it in love and toknow that you're saying it in a
nonjudgmental way, but you'rejust using this conversation as
(22:56):
a way of like I want this toexist for my family, Right?
I want us to be close.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I want to participate , I want.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Christmas to feel like it used to when we were
kids growing up.
I want Thanksgiving dinner tonot end in an argument and to
not end in a fighting match.
I want us to have a good way.
How can we make that happen?
And if they cannot conform to acompromising situation, then
you know like, okay, we tried,like it is what it is, because
(23:27):
it's not always going to end inroses and rainbows.
Which leads me to the immediatefamily.
You know things that we do withjust our children to leave a
lasting legacy.
I know my childhood and thechildhood that I am trying to
provide for my children arevastly different.
(23:47):
My kids do a lot more thingsand I go out of my way a lot for
the children, and that wasn'talways what I was brought up
with, but because I was like,what do I want to have?
I always think forward.
If my children are adults, howdo I want them to react to us?
(24:07):
I want them to come over allthe time.
I tell everybody about this,about my grandmaster plan.
I've been plotting this foryears.
I'm in.
I'm in the ninth year.
Our son just turned nine lastweek.
I'm in the ninth year of thisgrandmaster plan, and the
grandmaster plan is I'm going tolearn how to cook better than
anyone else that my childrenwill ever encounter, so that
(24:31):
they always come back home forthe holidays, because they
always want mom's cooking.
And so I've been doing this.
I've been plotting it.
I want them to meet every girland be like it's not as good as
mom's.
I will say this.
I am not ashamed of it, butthis is something that I think
of is, when my kids get older,what kind of relationship do we
want?
What kind of lasting memoriesdo we want?
(24:53):
And then, how do we get thatstarting today?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
Before I carry on that, I want to ask a question
about this.
Okay, so when they meet theirone and they're like oh, I love
her no matter what, and this ismy.
I want to marry her.
Speaker 3 (25:08):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
And they get married?
Yes, will you teach her how tocook your stuff?
Yes will you teach her how tocook your stuff?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
it depends on who this woman is no, it's the one
he's.
They've decided to marry I willteach her married.
I will, okay.
There's a secret.
I know italians do this for afact.
There are some puerto ricanswho do this, maybe all everyone
does.
Let me know if this issomething that happens okay you
will teach them everything.
You will teach them thetechnique, you will teach them
(25:40):
the temperature, you'll givethem the recipe, but you will
leave out that one ingredient,so that it's never as good as
yours, and you're not going totell them what ingredient it is.
You're gonna have to figure itout.
I would.
I'll probably do that becauseyou've got to come back to me.
You're going to come back to me.
They're going to taste it andthey're like, oh, it's so close,
it's like it's right there.
I don't know what it is, it'sjust okay, it's right there
(26:03):
thank you very much for sharingthat.
Speaker 2 (26:04):
I will.
I will.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I will teach my children, yeah the secrets okay
and it's up to them to share itor bottle it up okay and sell it
yeah but I for them.
I have to see where their heartis.
Are you trying to steal my kidfrom me?
Are you trying to renew me?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
We have to teach them to leave and cleave.
I understand we are trying tokick them out of the nest.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
I'm just sharing my mother heart.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
I want them to leave.
I want them to be independent.
I want them to lovewholeheartedly.
I want them to leave.
I want them to be independent,I want them to love
wholeheartedly.
I want them to love by faith,yeah Right, but I also don't
want to be forgotten as a parent, and that is a real life
concern that I think all parentshave, because think about,
think about the grandparentsituation.
Oh, you don't come and visit meanymore.
(26:57):
Like they seriously get alone.
They get depressed and then theyjust are like okay, well, this
is how I end.
Like how do you go from havingeveryone come to your house
after church every Sunday to now, all of a sudden, they're too
busy, they're too consumed, theyhave all the recipes they need,
they're going to do their ownthing.
(27:17):
It's now an inconvenience tocome and visit grandma.
Like this is real legacy.
And then you and then they justwalk away.
Like how do we keep people, howdo we keep our family from
doing that?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
So it's to keep our family from falling away, we
have to keep going and keepshowing up, and so we have to
keep being intentional.
I think one of the great thingsthat we're doing to be
intentional, to keep our kidsclose and to make that love deep
and to make that connectiondeep is we have so many
traditions.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
John to John, so many traditions.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Monthly, weekly, seasonally.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
We do.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
You're really intentional?
Speaker 1 (27:55):
with Very into traditions.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
Creating traditions and creating moments in our
family, like the paper chains.
You used to do paper chains forevery birthday.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
And the foods that only come out during certain
seasons, so that it's like, oh,this is so good right now the
cultural I do the culturalcelebrations of every culture.
And then the summer adventures.
Like you, you have some awesomesummer adventures that are just
this is what we do in thesummer, and one that we brought
(28:28):
that I brought from my familywas the father's day camping
trip.
Like no matter what, onfather's day we go camping yeah
and so those moments help buildinto the family legacy of
memories of spending timetogether in a real, valuable,
genuine way.
They don't happen by accident.
Right Before we had kids, wetalked about them.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
And we planned them and we went camping and we
really practiced it so that whenit came with the kids we did it
.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
We have changed diapers in tents, diapers in
tents and we have we have um hadbad traditional food in seasons
where we were learning how tobuild that tradition.
Yeah, we had to learn how to doit.
Sorry for you no, that'sperfect.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
We had to learn how to do it yeah we had to be
intentional, we had to have thevision.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
We had to learn how to do it and not be afraid if it
messes up the first couple ofhundred times yes, and not be
afraid if it messes up.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Not be afraid to say, hey, that was the wrong move.
We shouldn't have missed thatcelebration, right?
Because?
Moving forward worried, right,right like.
And now we use thosecelebrations as teaching moments
like hey look, this is whathappens, yeah, this is how you
speak up and hey, this is whenwe're going to choose to leave,
right, mm-hmm.
And so it's part of the legacyhas been to do this and to do it
(29:52):
wrong and to mess it up, butstill try again and get better
and show the kids, showing thekids.
That we can do this and we canbe wrong.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yes, we're so transparent with our kids and
admitting like I screwed that upI shouldn't have handled it
that way.
We always talk to our kidsabout our mistakes and how we're
not perfect and how we get itwrong and how we're trying to
get it right.
We always explain to them ourprogress and how we are works in
progress progress and how weare works in progress, like
(30:25):
we're very open and honest aboutwhere we are as adults and as
humans and just as parents andtrying to figure it all out.
And they it's just unbelievableat this point in their lives,
you know, right now they're nine, seven and four.
At this point in their lives,they the amount of grace that is
instilled in them because weshow them that side of us,
(30:45):
because we don't tell them, youknow, this is grown folks
business and keep out and stayaway Like and you don't need to
know all that and you don't needto question what I'm doing.
You know we, you know it's.
It's just so amazing, Like evenwith Jubilee, you know I'll
have.
We go on family trips now and Ihave meltdowns because I'm a
mom, I have past anger issues.
(31:06):
I'm stressed, I'm hormonal.
I talk about it in all of theepisodes before this.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
You're as transparent with the podcast as you are
with the kids Exactly.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
And so in my moments you know I am getting better at
them, but they still come.
So in my moments I and I havethis meltdown.
And then, you know, fiveseconds later I try to come back
and I'm like guys, this is whathappened and this is you know
where I'm at and this is what Idelicately, and she'll just be
like, oh, mom, you just have totake a deep breath.
(31:49):
Don't worry, mom, I love youwhen you get it right and I love
you when you get it wrong, it'sokay.
And then, like, william willcome and rat, like they'll just
all come rally around and it'slike, wow, this is the fruit of
being transparent and being openand being connected to your
children and making thesemoments and being intentional
and showing them like this iswhat it's all about and this is
how you love your family.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
And taking those seasons to get it wrong and
build up and to get to thispoint is huge, being willing to
screw it up and to fix it.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
It's a huge part of family legacy, I think, and
letting them know that love iswhat conquers all yeah, you know
yeah, we're going out of ourway and we're being
uncomfortable and we're makingthat 45 minute trip to visit
family because we love them andbecause they love us and because
we want them to be in our life.
yeah, you're arguing with yoursibling and you guys are
(32:43):
squabbling and you don't likeeach other right now.
You better turn around and loveyour brother.
We're going to show you thatlove conquers all of those
things, because when you guysgrow up, we don't want you guys
to be distant, we don't want youto grow apart.
We want you guys to know thatlove is what's going to bring
you back together and love iswhat's going to make it better
one of my favorite things to sayto the kids you guys are a team
yes, you guys got to worktogether and figure that out.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
You guys, are you got to have each other's back?
Yes, right like yes do it andand that that's clicked.
You know, maybe not in thefirst right, it doesn't click
the first time yes but it'sclicked in such a way now where
I see it, I I don't have to sayit, I have to say it a lot less.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
And it's beautiful.
I'm grateful and glory to Godfor all of it, because it's not
on our own power.
Right, it's through lots ofprayer.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Right.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Lots of asking for forgiveness.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Lots of trial and error, lots of parenting woes.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
And that's what I can say about family legacy.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yes, I think so too.
We talked about intentionality,we talked about love.
We talked about being thebridge.
We talked about communicationbeing transparent.
And all of those things arewhat's going to help you build
that lasting legacy, just not inyour immediate family, but also
in your extended family, and sowe hope that you take this, you
have conversations with yourspouse, see what you guys can do
(34:06):
to create a long, lastinglegacy and your family circle
and environment, and let us knowif you have questions, let us
know if you have testimoniesthat you want to share.
We would love to share thosethings.
Shout out to everybody who islistening.
You know, I know cultures.
It comes to families.
So those of you guys who arelistening overseas and in
different countries anddifferent areas, we just pray
(34:27):
that this also blesses you andthat you can take some of it
away and just allow God tominister to you guys in this
area as well.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
Right, we appreciate you being here.
We're not perfect people, right, as the intro says.
Speaker 1 (34:42):
By any means.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
But by doing things, by getting better, by trying to
build a legacy, we get better atloving by faith.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Amen.
Why don't we go ahead and prayout?
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Lord, thank you for today.
Thank you for our mistakes, forour flaws, for our weaknesses,
thank you for our shortcomings.
You are made strong in ourweaknesses and we just pray that
today, in our family and in ourlisteners' families, you are
the light.
You are the guiding light, theone that shows how to build a
(35:18):
legacy.
I pray that people are forwardthinking, that people have you
in mind when they plan what theywant their legacy to look like.
I pray that our words helpencourage, build up, lord,
correct if necessary, and I justpray that your Holy Spirit is
flowing through all of it InJesus's name, amen.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
Amen.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Thank you guys so much for tuning in and listening
and watching the Love by Faithpodcast.
If you are here with us onYouTube, make sure you like,
share and subscribe.
If you're here with uslistening on Apple or Spotify or
iHeartRadio or any of the otherlistening platforms, please
give us a five-star review.
Let other people know how tofind us through your words so
(35:59):
that they, too, can learn how tolove by faith.
Tune in.
Next week we will be here forour last series of the season.
Keeping it in the legacymindset, we hope to see you
there.
Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Have a great day love , by faith, y'all love by faith,
y'all bye that was real man.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
That was real, it's.
Uh, one of my challenges istalking about family without
sounding judgy yes, I don't wantto sound judgy yes.
I love my family.
They're great.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
Yes, you do you are a huge family man, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I take it seriously.
I love when I catch the kids umfacetiming with enchantment.
Yes, I love when they're on thefacetime with their amp.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
It's awesome so we did that time capsule.
Oh yeah, we did the the voicememo time capsule on.
And the fourth of july, yeah,and did you notice that um
jubilee shouted out and shannonI mean, I remembered it in the
moment, but I thought it was theother kid she said I really
love and shannon because she cutmy hair short oh yeah, she did
(37:06):
say that.
I remember that now jubilee onlyhad one haircut and she will
remember the haircut for life.
Yeah, I need to set up a newone for her so she can before
school she'll get it back toschool, back to school trim.
Yeah yeah, oh that's cute, no,it's, it's great, it's great.
I really love where we're at inthis season with our family,
(37:27):
all family, on either end.
I love where we're at becauseit didn't used to be this way.
Um, the communication wasn't asstrong, the connection wasn't
as strong and I think on bothends we've put a lot of great
effort and consideration intoeveryone and they have been
doing their part as well yeahand I think for the sake of the
(37:49):
kids.
You know, as they get older theyare um really leaning into that
and really into.
You know, they're no longerbabies with their, with mindless
thoughts.
Right now they're actualchildren who have conversations
and who have likes and dislikes,and it's they're.
They're able to see theirpersonality come out right that
(38:10):
memory anchor is there yeah forlots of family yeah that's great
yeah okay, get out of here.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
This is the post-credit scene and we're
rambling yeah, not rambling,we're starting a whole
post-credit scene and we'rerambling.
Yeah, not rambling, we'restarting a whole other episode.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Are you saying I'm rambling?
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Maybe Wow, no, I said we weren't rambling, okay, but
we're starting a whole otherepisode.
I got to go.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Where are you going?
Where are you going at thishour?
Speaker 2 (38:34):
No, I got to go, don't worry let it happen, grown
folks business.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
Okay, mind your business, lady, all right, good
day.
Nobody sees, nobody saw thatlet's go okay, okay.
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