Kyle and Selina dive into the complex world of communication triggers & pitfalls, examining how fear, spiritual gaslighting, and misunderstandings create barriers in relationships.
They share personal stories and practical insights to help couples navigate these challenges and build healthier communication patterns.
• Exploring the gap between what's said and what's heard through the "doormat rug" story
• Understanding how fear can cause partners to clam up or avoid important conversations
• Recognizing when spiritual language is used to deflect from addressing real issues
• Identifying triggers like crying, yelling, or shutting down that halt productive communication
• Building a safe environment where both partners feel secure enough to be vulnerable
• Shifting focus from winning arguments to creating a connection and resolution
• Starting with small steps to demonstrate commitment to the relationship
• Keeping prayer and God's guidance central to communication challenges
Join us next week as we share a practical communication plan to help you and your partner overcome these hurdles more quickly and effectively.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
And this week's episode is getting over
communication pitfalls, hang-ups.
What was the other buzzword?
Triggers.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
And triggers.
What part of what I said didn'tyou understand?
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Then you gotta get out of the way and let the Holy
Spirit communicate to him.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yeah, we're not perfect people by any means, but
by trusting in God we learnwhat it takes to build a
friendship, a relationship andmarriage that has stood the test
of time.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
I think season three is going to be significantly
different than when compared toseason two or season one.
Okay, I feel like season one.
You were, with all due respect,you were still finding your
voice.
Sure, you know cause you?
I really just threw you in here.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Like I'm used to.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I'm used to the YouTube and I'm used to talking
and stuff, and so I just kind ofthrew you in there and and
people really got to hear ourstory.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Yeah, that was awesome.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
And then you know, season two was us finding our
voice as Love, by Faith.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
That's good, that's a good point.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
And so season three with all three kids in school.
Selena has five days a week toreally like break down the
episodes into reels and intostories and social media
platforms and really in emailsand you know, just really engage
full, full on.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
So our season of getting our roots down is coming
to an end.
Through the summer, and thennext season, we'll be able to
start sprouting.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Is that?
Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I think so, I would.
I would how excited you are, Iwould.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
We can't wait for you to see your face.
You went from down about havingto produce 75 episodes 75
edited episodes.
To now.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
You're just glowing about us sprouting and being
able to do all this.
It's really hard to explain,because the ministry and the
marriage for me began at thesame exact time.
Okay, I got laid off the sameweek I got engaged, I started a
business.
The same time I started amarriage.
You know it was all paralleland I've always had to give and
(02:39):
take with both.
I've always had to sacrifice inone or the other.
If I poured into the business,my family was suffering.
If I poured into the family,the business was suffering to
the point where now we'reentering into the summer season
and we're wrapping up season twovery shortly, and it's because
I want to go all in with mychildren and I'm willing to put
(02:59):
this on the shelf after allthese years.
I'm willing to because I knowthat on the other end of this
coming season is going to be thefull-time business season.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
And it's something that I've been longing for for a
very long time.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
See the light at the end of the tunnel?
Man, yeah, it's here.
Let's get in this week'sepisode.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Let's get in this week's episode.
I feel like, guys, pleaseforgive me, Forgive us when it
comes to content.
I just get so nervous and maybethis is like an old
post-traumatic thing like beingin online businesses but content
and consistency have to go handin hand and so anytime we have
to cancel and not produce anepisode for you on a weekly
(03:44):
basis, it tears me up inside.
I know, I was on my bed.
You could still hear it in mysinuses and all of the mucus and
stuff.
I was just really pathetic overMother's Day weekend.
I didn't do much of anything.
I didn't even go to church andget the free muffin.
I was really upset about that,but still, it just bothers me
(04:09):
that I have to do that.
When we had the snow day, Ithink we only canceled like
three times ever.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Well, there you go.
That's a pretty good battingaverage.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
And it still just bothers me.
So forgive me, I'm growing.
But thank you guys for all ofyour grace.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
You would have forced us to do that episode.
I definitely would have forcedus If I didn't say no, it's
Mother's Day, weekend, stop andjust relax.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
That was the right move.
You were absolutely 100% right,and the way you came about it
and the way you handled it andyou didn't dilly-dally with it,
you weren't passive with it andyou just held your ground and
that made me trust in it evenmore and I thank you.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
You have said so much to there in that last 30
seconds.
That was a great summary andwe're going to break into all of
that today in our communication.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
This week's episode.
We're in the Say it Like youMean it series.
We're communicating, aboutcommunicating, yes, and this
week's episode is getting overcommunication.
Pitfalls yes.
Hang ups yes.
What was the other buzzword?
Triggers and triggers Watch outfor those.
Okay, I came up with an awesomeicebreaker.
I think it's an awesomeicebreaker.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
On the topic.
When was one time just one,please, because I know there's
many when you thought, youcommunicated to me perfectly and
I totally missed it.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
The easiest one I can remember is our first year of
marriage and I told you to get aporch rug for our balcony.
Okay, Okay.
I thought I expressed veryvividly and visually that I
wanted an outdoor rug to coverthe entire floor of our outdoor
(05:53):
balcony, Because we lived on asecond.
We were in a duplex, we livedon the top floor and there we
had a balcony.
So I wanted to go outside, haveall my plants, start a garden,
blah, blah, blah and I wantedsomething to cover the floor.
Okay, you said, I know justwhere to go.
I got just the thing.
I'll bring it on my way home.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
You brought a doormat .
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Interesting Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
And I said what is this?
You said it's the outdoor rug.
I said where's the rest of itrug?
I said where's the rest of it?
You said you said a rug.
I said that's right, I said arug and to me that was the
(06:38):
beginning of the understandingthat what we say are always two
different things.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I thought so.
If I remember right, it waslike a five by seven rug, but I
like a doorman, that's likethree feet.
Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
No, it covered just the door.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
It covered just the door and I was looking for
something to cover the entirebalcony and cause I didn't want
to just have a bunch of littlerugs, because then they move
around and stuff.
And so, yeah, that was ourfirst like what is this?
What part of what I said didn'tyou understand?
And you were like what part didI not understand?
(07:12):
Like you said rug, I got you alittle rug.
He got me a rug and I'm like,but I meant a rug.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
You meant a complete floor covering for the whole
surface.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
And so that's when I was like, oh snap.
To me that one instance is whattriggered like we're going to
have to work on this for therest of our lives.
Forever, Because your visionand my vision are two different
things always, and so weconstantly have to go back and
forth of like what do you thinkI said?
What does this mean to you?
Draw me a picture of whatyou're saying, like draw me the
(07:47):
picture that you see in yourhead of what I just described.
That is completely incorrect.
Let me draw you what I'mtelling you.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
I did not expect that story when I thought of this
question what did you think Iwas going to say?
Speaker 2 (07:56):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
There's so many other .
Speaker 2 (07:57):
There's, honestly, there's so many other times
where I you do this to me allthe time in this podcast.
May I say my idea.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
I thought you were going to talk about the trees.
When I got the trees trimmed,See see, and I cut down the dead
tree.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
You do this to me all the time.
You set up an icebreaker andyou're like Selena.
Give me a time in our liveswhere I looked terrible or when
you hawked out and I'm just like.
I don't want to keep throwingyou under the bus, like I really
like you.
I don't want people to thinkyou're a bad, terrible person
(08:30):
and I don't want people to thinklike I'm just like hormone
raging out all the time, likeit's so nerve-wracking?
Speaker 1 (08:34):
That's not it.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
No, no, no, I did not do the tree one, because that
wasn't the first, that wasn'tthe one that like really stuck
to my heart of wow, ourcommunication is off well,
that's good, because that's theone that, like, sticks to my
heart the most tell them this.
You gotta tell now.
You gotta tell them thecommunication was off.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
We had tree work.
We had tree workers coming toour house to take, take care of
some trees I was obsessed withthe trees and we had multiple
dead trees.
We had multiple big brancheshanging over that were like a
hazard because the trees hadn'tbeen maintained for years when
we bought the house.
So I was like I'm gonna get theguys out, get these trees fixed
.
So on our property was also adead maple tree.
It was right by our deck andbirds liked it.
(09:11):
It had a couple branches thatstill spit out leaves but like
90 dead tree, okay, okay, and Ihad them.
Cut that tree down.
Yes, right by our deck, yes,and my wonderful wife was very
afraid that our deck would neverhave shade again, would never
have birds around it again, anddid not like that.
(09:33):
I cut down her shade tree.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I did not say that.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Perfect.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
It was a dead tree.
It did not provide shade.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Take me through this.
Okay, what did you say?
Speaker 2 (09:42):
It was in our bird sanctuary.
Bird sanctuary, we had athrough this, okay, what?
Speaker 1 (09:45):
did you say it was in our bird sanctuary?
We had keep going.
No, I'm not making fun of you.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
I'm highlighting your views for the people we have a
tiny little pocket that's likewrapped.
Our deck is wrapped around it,where there were trees sprouting
out of it.
Okay, and I told kyle tree I hadthe one tree, the one dead, the
one dead tree, the 90% dead,one tree that's wrapped around
(10:08):
our deck.
And I told Kyle, why don't weturn this into our bird
sanctuary?
Because there were bird feedersin this area.
There was a beautiful littlebird house in this area and
there was the tiniest littlebird that would come every year
and it had the sweetest littlemelody and it would build its
house and it would lay its eggsand it had the sweetest little
melody and it would build itshouse and it would lay its eggs
(10:28):
and it would go away and itnested in this tree.
So to me, I did not care aboutthe shade, I did not care about
the fruit of the tree, I caredabout the habitat to maintain
for these precious creatures,god's creatures, kyle, and I
wanted to keep that element aspart of the bird sanctuary.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
The pitfall that I hear goes back to what he says
and what she hears, and what shesays and what he hears.
Yeah, the trigger here.
Yes, we talked about thepitfall of the communication gap
the lost in translationtranslation yes but the trigger
here is and was fear.
Afraid that these birds werenever going to come back, yeah,
(11:14):
afraid that this peace, thissanctuary was ruined.
The huge communication triggeris fear.
Right, so many times, if we'regonna clam up, we're afraid of,
afraid of what we're gonna say,or afraid of how our partner is
gonna react to what we say yeah,right, yeah, and for women,
they're afraid of how he's gonnarespond, yeah, or if he's, he's
(11:36):
shut this conversation down.
Seven times we're afraid toeven bring it up again go at
that conversation, right, yeah,can you?
you speak to that like?
So I've moved into, likeclamming up here now because of
fear.
Can you speak into that from a,from a woman's perspective?
What causes that fear of notbeing wanting to speak, the fear
(11:58):
of bringing up the subject?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
I think it goes back to the roles and the expectation
of a husband and wife in aChristian setting.
Okay, because we're a Christianpodcast and in a Christian
setting we understand the godlystructure of a family.
You know, like, god is the headRight, the male is the leader,
he's the father figure, he's theprotector provider, and then
(12:21):
the woman is, you know, thehelper, et cetera, et cetera,
the protective provider, andthen the woman is the helper, et
cetera, et cetera.
And I think when women have tobring up issues that guys are
not taking ownership andleadership in, then we fear A we
don't want to feel like we'rethreatening his role as the
(12:41):
leader.
Okay, we really want you totake initiative.
We really, really, really wantyou to take initiative.
We really, really, really wantyou to own this, we want you to
take the lead, we want you to goto church.
But if we bring it up a third,fourth, fifth time how come
you're not coming to church withme and the kids Then it feels
like we're causing the conflictbecause you already made your
(13:03):
stance and we don't want tochallenge your leadership, we
don't want to challenge yourauthority, and it's stuff like
that.
Like if there is a man who isstruggling mentally and we are
encouraging them to go tocounseling and they just don't
want to go.
And we see after time and timeand time they're just resisting
it.
They don't want to do it.
(13:24):
Then we feel like if wecontinue to bring it up A it's
frowned upon to be a naggingNancy.
We don't want to be seen asbeing nagging, we don't want to
be seen as being not supportiveor not submissive to the husband
and we really want you to bethe leader.
(13:45):
Like we don't want to be theleader, we don't want to have to
be the leader.
But when you guys don't talkabout these conflicts, then it
feels like we're forced to bethe leader and then we're out of
our role, we're out of ourelement and so it feels off and
it just becomes tense it.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Just it becomes tons.
And the guys, I think from myperspective there are times
where it's obvious to lead andthere's times where it's less
obvious to lead and I need tolike, I like the encouragement
when you, but when it's gettingto like that fifth or sixth time
where correct, or even thirdtime where I'm missing that, yes
, or where he's missing it, thenyou got to get out of the way
and let the Holy Spiritcommunicate to him.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Right, yes, and he'll get it.
When he's sitting there andy'all are packed up, gone to
church and he's like, oh snap,or you know, you're struggling
and stressed out with gettingthe kids ready and he's sipping
his coffee, looking out thewindow like that awareness to
see, hey, wait, something's outof balance here.
(14:48):
That is a huge part ofunderstanding the communication
divide.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
They might not get it .
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Understanding the clamming up that comes out of
that, because she's not.
She's clamming up on talkingabout this, because you're
clamming up on doing your part.
Right, you said they might notget it.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
No, they might not get it.
They might just think like, oh,that's what she wants, so I'm
not going to stand in her way.
But it's like-.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Ooh, can I come to the guy's side on this?
Yeah, or he might feel so.
He's tried so many times andit's never been right.
He's always put the wrong shoeson the kid, he's always brushed
the hair the wrong way, he'snever had the right matching
outfit, and those things causehim to withdraw from from
(15:31):
attempting, you know.
And so when this has happenedwith us like those are real
examples that have happened withus I've, I've gone to what can
I do that I know I can do?
Well.
Yeah, right, pack the lunch.
Yeah, pack the snacks.
Yeah, get the waters ready, getthe coffee ready.
Those are little things, butwhile you're brushing the girl's
hair and making our daughterlook awesome, I can have the
(15:52):
water bottles ready, likethere's no wrong way to put
water in a water bottle, rightright, so we talked about
clamming we talked abouthesitating to bring up conflict.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
There's still so many more triggers and there's so
many more pitfalls yeah thathave to come with communication.
Let's's just break it all down,okay, hey everyone, we hope
that you're enjoying thisepisode, and right now we want
to just take a small minute tointroduce to you the latest
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and take it to the next level.
(16:22):
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Speaker 1 (16:24):
Every good coach knows they have to have winning
plays.
We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
the best winning plays andcreated strategies for you guys.
Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
together, how to be betterromantically, how to be better
family life.
We went through all thesedifferent areas from the
foundation series and put ittogether in a playbook.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So grab your Love by Faith playbook today.
You can use the link in thedescription below, enter it, and
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(17:06):
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Go ahead and get your Love byFaith Playbook now.
And let's get back into thisepisode.
There's so many triggers andjust to kind of list them all,
to just say we're, we're coveredmost of them.
You know when I think of atrigger when it comes to
(17:26):
communication, I think of you.
Know how you said people clamup, they shut down, they don't
want to talk.
Okay, yeah.
Then you have the people whofeel like they were talking and
the person is not hearing them,and so they just full on, shut
down in the middle of theconversation and they're just
like, okay, okay, okay, uh-huh,okay.
(17:47):
You know, I've been therebefore and I've been on the
receiving end of that before andit's just like it sucks, you
know to do that.
There's the people who cry,like that was one that you
brought up, where if you seesomeone crying in the middle of
them, in the middle of aconversation, then the person
who's not crying would feel like, oh snap, I've gone too far,
(18:07):
I'm sorry, let's just talk aboutthis later.
And then they never talk aboutit because they're like, if I
bring this up, they're going tocry.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
So never ending delay of the subject.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Yes, yes, yes.
Never ending delay of thesubject of like oh I'm not in
the mood to talk about this, oh,I'm way too busy.
Can we talk about this later?
Speaker 1 (18:26):
The guy keeps kicking the can.
Yeah, on talking about.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So tired.
I just had a long day at work.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Right, talking about X, y and Z.
Yes, he's exhausted.
Yes, right, maybe he's triedthis talk.
Maybe I've tried this talk andit's been stonewalled or it's
been met with gaslighting.
So I was thinking of this.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Gaslight is a huge trigger in communication.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Wait for this one Spiritual gaslighting.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Tell me about it.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
You need to pray about this more.
This isn't a you and me thing.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
This is a you thing, and you need to go pray about
this Wow.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Spiritual gaslighting If you keep telling them you
need to just pray about this andfigure it out.
You need to pray about this andsee.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
God on that one.
This is a you problem.
It's not a me problem.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Right, wow, the shapes of gaslighting, and that
goes both ways.
Guys could say that too.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Sure, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
You're just not close enough to God right now.
Wow, maybe you need to work onthat, and so that's a huge.
That's like I don't know, it'sa cliff.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Because now the insecurity.
So this is one that's going tobreed insecurity.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
The insecurity of I can't talk about this.
She's going to think I'm notspiritually connected with God.
Wow, she's going to think I'mnot being a spiritual leader
because last time we talkedabout this she told me I needed
to pray about it more.
I need to pray for my healingin this.
Thank you so much, told me Ineeded to pray about it more.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I need to pray for my healing in this.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
I need to pray for my and well, yeah, praying for
healing, praying for comfort,praying for words, praying for
direction is real.
Yeah, shutting your partnerdown when they're opening up to
you about this and saying hey, Iknow, you know, you just need
to pray about that especiallywhen the problem, when the
conflict is like about thatpartner, yeah, and they're using
it to deflect or be defensiveabout it, like I'm not gonna.
(20:14):
You just need to pray about that, like you keep coming at me
with this and you just need topray about that and figure it
out you know what's you know?
Speaker 2 (20:21):
what's crazy to me is we only just discovered the
term.
It's only just become popular,the term gaslighting.
Okay, 10 years ago, when wewere in our, in the beginning of
our marriage, nobody talkedabout gaslighting.
Nobody talked about like thiswas a thing.
This is something you should bemindful of.
(20:43):
But it was there and we justdidn't know how to handle it.
We didn't know how to likenavigate through it yeah, or you
know the mental healthawareness the mental health
awareness has come so far, andeven just the small span of 10
years, and I I'm just sograteful for it because we I
(21:03):
personally feel like so manypeople we go through so much
mentally we have no idea.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Yeah, no, it's everyone we have no idea what
we're going through.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
And then we get together and we get married and
we think it's going to be greatnot realizing that there are so
many mental blocks from ourchildhood or from our adulthood
or from our sin in the worldbefore we became Christians and
before all these things.
And it's just.
It's so hard if you're notwilling to see it and take
(21:36):
awareness of it and then try torewire yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
That's right.
Being willing to rewire, beingteachable in this, being
vulnerable, having the humilityto say hey, I really struggle
with this.
When you start crying, I can'teven take you seriously, is real
yes.
Or saying to your husband whenyou yell at me, that stops me
(22:03):
from talking to you.
When you raise your voice, evenif you're not yelling at me.
You're just getting loudbecause you're feeling emotional
about this.
You're passionate, yeah, youknow being able to have that
five seconds of courage you'vetalked about in the past.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
To say these things will help him be aware and if
he's a, goes back to thegoodwill.
It's just like how all this isso connected.
It builds on each other thegoodwill in a relationship.
As a man, I have to know thatshe's got our best interest.
As the woman, you have to knowthat I've got our best interest.
My goal is for us to succeed.
My goal is for us to win, andwe have to be accountable to
(22:38):
ourselves to be with thatmindset.
Are we trying to be right?
Are we trying to be connected?
Are we trying to communicate toprove our point?
Are we trying to communicate toconnect, to move forward, to
resolve?
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Resolve.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
And so those are huge , huge pitfalls is when we
communicate just to win.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Are we trying to make points?
Are we trying to make peaceRight?
Speaker 1 (23:06):
And that's one that I think is easy to get out of
hand Pride, and because of lackof humility, because of maybe
it's just how you're wired, howyour experiences have led you to
feel that you need to be right.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, yeah, definitely 100%.
I think something you talkedabout just in this sentence, in
this part, was really, I think,what stops a lot of people, what
becomes the pitfall is they getfaced with that for lack of a
better term a communicationmonster, the yelling, the crying
(23:40):
, the gaslighting.
They get met with that and itstops the communication
completely dead in its tracksand what you're saying is call
it out.
A lot of couples don't get tothe place where they could just
call that out and put it inplain sight and just really
expose what's going on in themidst of the conflict and in the
(24:02):
midst of the communication.
And because we're not braveenough or courageous enough or,
you know, just tired enough tojust be like bro, you're
gaslighting right now, you know,or?
honey honey, you're crying and Isee you and I'm all for your
emotions, but this is not goingto stop our conflict.
(24:24):
Right now, like we still haveto talk about this, like we need
to get over the fact that wehave to expose it, and the best
way to do it is to say it likeyou mean it and like really call
it for what it is.
And, like you said, the onlyway we can get to that point is
by knowing, no matter what we'rein this for it to get, we're in
this for each other.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
We're in this for the greater good.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
We're in this to make the peace and to move past, not
to stir the pot and make itworse and then ultimately lead
to a divorce.
I think a lot of the timespeople think in the back of
their heads that all of theseconflicts are going to cause
separation and separation isgoing to lead towards a divorce.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
So they're again going back to fear.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
They're going back.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
yes, Going back to the doom funnel, the doom tunnel
, yeah, and just spiraling.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I don't want to tell him that I just spent a ton of
money on the credit card becausehe's going to get mad and it's
the third time and he's notgoing to like me anymore, he's
not going to love me anymore andsomething's going to happen to
our relationship.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
I more, he's not going to love me anymore and
something's going to happen toour relationship.
I want to go fishing so bad.
But if I ask her again, she'sgoing to tell me about all this
stuff.
I did wrong and forgot to dothis week of my chores, of
getting the house ready, and soI'm not even going to bring it
up to go fishing, but I'm goingto sit around and be miserable
all day.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I'm not going to tell them that there's a problem in
the bedroom, because thenthey're not going to want to do
it again, and then I'm not goingto have intimacy with my
partner, and then we're going tofade away and they're not going
to love me so these little, soit's.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
I think it starts small, yeah the answer is
starting small it's always thelittle communications to build
up to the bigger ones to get it.
It's maybe him having thetissue ready for her, maybe her,
you know, giving him the spacewhen he's yelling just let it
out.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Let him out.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Let it out, husband, we're, I'm with you, I know
you're right, let it out and andjust being by him for that
moment, then giving him thespace to recover, giving her the
space to gather herself andcome back together for when the
peace is there, I think, but notkicking and letting that can
disappear, I think what you'resaying.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
It requires small steps, but the small steps have
to be towards building eachother up first.
Okay, so what are you doing inyour relationship, what are you
doing in your marriage right now?
That is, showing your partnerthat you guys are an inseparable
(27:00):
team.
What are you doing to show themthat you are the safe space,
that you are the place wherethey can be vulnerable, where
they can cry, where they canyell, where they can be wrong,
where they can want to prove thepoint that they're right and
still feel like we can overcomethe communication obstacles.
(27:23):
We can overcome these pitfalls.
What are you guys doing, whatsmall steps are you taking now
to show them that, no matterwhat they say or what they do,
you love them when they get itright, you love them when they
get it wrong.
Because I think if you are ableto cultivate that kind of
(27:43):
environment within your marriage, then having these
conversations, it would beeasier to expose the triggers.
It would be easier to say Iknow this is how you're reacting
, but we still got to getthrough this.
It would be easier to say it'sokay to share, it's okay,
because you will have space tofeel these feelings.
(28:04):
You will have space to be angry.
I'm not going to shut it off.
I'm not going to turn you awaywhen you are coming to me in
your most vulnerable moment,even if that vulnerability looks
like sadness or anger ordepression, even if it looks
like you are afraid and you'rein denial, even if it looks like
you are overlooking you're indenial, even if it looks like
(28:24):
you are overlooking it andyou're completely ignorant.
To the point.
Even if we have to redirect theconversation again and again,
again, you are committed to this.
I am committed to this, and weboth know that we're here for
each other and therefore, we'regonna figure out how to get
through this together amen, amen.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
now that's, I said it better myself, you do this all
the time you say the whole pointand I nothing else that there
can be added to that.
There has to be something, kyle, that you can tell us.
It does go back to prayer.
While there is spiritualgaslighting, spending time in
prayer together, spending timein devotionals together to think
through and think about yourlove and your marriage, are
(29:05):
going to create better outcomesin these communication pitfalls
and triggers.
Yes, good news.
Yes, I'm going to talk aboutnext episode.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Good news Next episode yes, we got a
communication plan.
Yes, we're going to talk aboutthis.
We're going to talk about theplan.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
It's going to be a new resource in the playbook.
A new resource in the playbookyes, and I really.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
this is one of those huge topics communication that
never ends.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
It never ends.
I was going to say this.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
And as we grow and shift and we get better at
communicating with each otherand we learn what triggers our
partner and we learn whattriggers our partner and we
learn what our pitfalls are andwe learn how to do it better and
practice it more.
It grows naturally and it takesa constant evolution.
I think we've put together agreat episode here.
Yes, lots of pitfalls, lots oftriggers.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Lots of ways couples can work together to grow their
communication.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
And and next week we'll lay it out with a
communication game plan on thelove by faith podcast.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Tell us, tell us more no, I think you got this.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Keep going we're not just thinking by faith, we're
not just acting by faith, we areloving by faith.
The communication series to sayit like you mean a
communication series.
The say it like you mean it,communication series.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
I'm going to say it how I mean it.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Say it.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Listen, guys, kyle won't let me talk, okay?
He said I talk too much and soI decided to be quiet.
And now Kyle's struggling toend the episode and I'm trying
to let him have what he wanted,and now he keeps trying to push
me into saying things.
It's true, I just told on you.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
I fell into the trigger of getting overwhelmed
and then getting a blank slatein my brain.
Yep, that's one of them, yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Guys, I guess.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I honestly okay, listen.
I think this communicationseries is going to be a lot
harder for us than we thought,because he's absolutely right.
It is a daily, daily walk toacknowledge communication, to
work on yourself and your skills, to work on grace for each
(31:22):
other and their skills and totry to overcome it.
And I think the enemy knows thatwhat is said and what is
interpreted is something that hehas been using as a tactical
way to separate and cause strifein a marriage since the
beginning of time, and so wejust have to really be mindful,
(31:43):
like Kyle said, with prayer, andkeep God close to us and so
that way, we can hear what hetells us to say and what he
tells us not to say, and how tosay it in love, because, at the
end of the day, love is whereit's at, and that's what's going
to help you overcome all things.
So us, being human we're notperfect people we're going to
(32:07):
keep going through this, and Ithink at the end of this tunnel,
which is one week to go becauseof the off week, we are going
to have a plan, a practical planto help you and us.
This is what works and this iswhat should be in place so that
you can overcome these hurdles alot quicker and sooner and you
(32:29):
can get to the good parts ofcommunication with yourself and
your spouse.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Amen, amen, thank you , thank you.
Thank you for having thegoodwill for our relationship
and our podcast to help me seeit through.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
I love you and please don't be bossy.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
I love you and please don't be defensive.
Let's pray for the people.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
You pray, you pray, thank you Lord, lord, lord, god
Father.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
We thank you, lord, god Father, we thank you.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
We thank you.
We thank you for just makingthis a topic that we all kind of
struggle with and we need totalk to you about, come to you
personally with their ownpersonal matters, because
(33:25):
sometimes communication can beeasy and we take that for
granted and sometimes it's hardand we need you in those areas.
So we pray that we could justhear you, you could give us
wisdom and discernment, youcould show us how to communicate
effectively with our spouse andwith our partner, so that we
can talk and be on the same pageand just really learn how to be
(33:45):
in this season together in love, in safety, in community and in
fellowship with you.
Lord, we give you glory andhonor.
We thank you, for this means tojust reach your people.
And we pray that you bless themtoday In Jesus's name amen.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Amen, amen.
We appreciate you guys beinghere.
We appreciate you guys lovingby faith and being with us on
this journey.
We're all in it together.
We're all getting bettertogether and each week we'll be
back to help you.
Well, not each week, but mostweeks we'll be back to help you.
Love by faith.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
See you guys next week.
Did you do the call to actionLike?
Speaker 1 (34:28):
share, subscribe.
Hit the email so you can get onthe playbook and make sure you
put five stars on Spotify.
Do they know how to get theemail?
Go to our website Love by FaithMinistries.
There's a link in thedescription.
There's always a link in thedescription.
There's a link.
There's always a link in thedescription.
Come on, it's 2025.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Everybody, guys no, we don't have to say this every
time.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Yes, we do I would love to see a poll about this in
august, when I have full-timestatus and I got time to put a
poll together.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Yes, we're going to be pulling the mess out of this
podcast.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Man, okay, last thing because I got to go.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Last thing.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
What is?
I'm trying to think of aquestion I don't know the answer
to.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Don't make it a super big question.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Okay, if you could have a communication superpower.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
What would it be to read your mind?
Speaker 1 (35:26):
read my mind yes I was thinking if I could get you
to just understand the way I'mthinking without having to like
say anything.
See, so both in your mind.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
if I could just read kyle's mind, as the world would
be a better place.
I'm so late, I gotta go.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
I gotta go.
And this week's episode is getting over
communication pitfalls, hang-ups.
What was the other buzzword?
Triggers.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
And triggers.
What part of what I said didn'tyou understand?
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Then you gotta get out of the way and let the Holy
Spirit communicate to him.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yeah, we're not perfect people by any means, but
by trusting in God we learnwhat it takes to build a
friendship, a relationship andmarriage that has stood the test
of time.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
I think season three is going to be significantly
different than when compared toseason two or season one.
Okay, I feel like season one.
You were, with all due respect,you were still finding your
voice.
Sure, you know cause you?
I really just threw you in here.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Like I'm used to.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I'm used to the YouTube and I'm used to talking
and stuff, and so I just kind ofthrew you in there and and
people really got to hear ourstory.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Yeah, that was awesome.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
And then you know, season two was us finding our
voice as Love, by Faith.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
That's good, that's a good point.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
And so season three with all three kids in school.
Selena has five days a week toreally like break down the
episodes into reels and intostories and social media
platforms and really in emailsand you know, just really engage
full, full on.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
So our season of getting our roots down is coming
to an end.
Through the summer, and thennext season, we'll be able to
start sprouting.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
Is that?
Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I think so, I would.
I would how excited you are, Iwould.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
We can't wait for you to see your face.
You went from down about havingto produce 75 episodes 75
edited episodes.
To now.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
You're just glowing about us sprouting and being
able to do all this.
It's really hard to explain,because the ministry and the
marriage for me began at thesame exact time.
Okay, I got laid off the sameweek I got engaged, I started a
business.
The same time I started amarriage.
You know it was all paralleland I've always had to give and
(02:39):
take with both.
I've always had to sacrifice inone or the other.
If I poured into the business,my family was suffering.
If I poured into the family,the business was suffering to
the point where now we'reentering into the summer season
and we're wrapping up season twovery shortly, and it's because
I want to go all in with mychildren and I'm willing to put
(02:59):
this on the shelf after allthese years.
I'm willing to because I knowthat on the other end of this
coming season is going to be thefull-time business season.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
And it's something that I've been longing for for a
very long time.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
See the light at the end of the tunnel?
Man, yeah, it's here.
Let's get in this week'sepisode.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Let's get in this week's episode.
I feel like, guys, pleaseforgive me, Forgive us when it
comes to content.
I just get so nervous and maybethis is like an old
post-traumatic thing like beingin online businesses but content
and consistency have to go handin hand and so anytime we have
to cancel and not produce anepisode for you on a weekly
(03:44):
basis, it tears me up inside.
I know, I was on my bed.
You could still hear it in mysinuses and all of the mucus and
stuff.
I was just really pathetic overMother's Day weekend.
I didn't do much of anything.
I didn't even go to church andget the free muffin.
I was really upset about that,but still, it just bothers me
(04:09):
that I have to do that.
When we had the snow day, Ithink we only canceled like
three times ever.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Well, there you go.
That's a pretty good battingaverage.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
And it still just bothers me.
So forgive me, I'm growing.
But thank you guys for all ofyour grace.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
You would have forced us to do that episode.
I definitely would have forcedus If I didn't say no, it's
Mother's Day, weekend, stop andjust relax.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
That was the right move.
You were absolutely 100% right,and the way you came about it
and the way you handled it andyou didn't dilly-dally with it,
you weren't passive with it andyou just held your ground and
that made me trust in it evenmore and I thank you.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
You have said so much to there in that last 30
seconds.
That was a great summary andwe're going to break into all of
that today in our communication.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
This week's episode.
We're in the Say it Like youMean it series.
We're communicating, aboutcommunicating, yes, and this
week's episode is getting overcommunication.
Pitfalls yes.
Hang ups yes.
What was the other buzzword?
Triggers and triggers Watch outfor those.
Okay, I came up with an awesomeicebreaker.
I think it's an awesomeicebreaker.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
On the topic.
When was one time just one,please, because I know there's
many when you thought, youcommunicated to me perfectly and
I totally missed it.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
The easiest one I can remember is our first year of
marriage and I told you to get aporch rug for our balcony.
Okay, Okay.
I thought I expressed veryvividly and visually that I
wanted an outdoor rug to coverthe entire floor of our outdoor
(05:53):
balcony, Because we lived on asecond.
We were in a duplex, we livedon the top floor and there we
had a balcony.
So I wanted to go outside, haveall my plants, start a garden,
blah, blah, blah and I wantedsomething to cover the floor.
Okay, you said, I know justwhere to go.
I got just the thing.
I'll bring it on my way home.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
You brought a doormat .
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Interesting Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
And I said what is this?
You said it's the outdoor rug.
I said where's the rest of itrug?
I said where's the rest of it?
You said you said a rug.
I said that's right, I said arug and to me that was the
(06:38):
beginning of the understandingthat what we say are always two
different things.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
I thought so.
If I remember right, it waslike a five by seven rug, but I
like a doorman, that's likethree feet.
Okay, go ahead.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
No, it covered just the door.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
It covered just the door and I was looking for
something to cover the entirebalcony and cause I didn't want
to just have a bunch of littlerugs, because then they move
around and stuff.
And so, yeah, that was ourfirst like what is this?
What part of what I said didn'tyou understand?
And you were like what part didI not understand?
(07:12):
Like you said rug, I got you alittle rug.
He got me a rug and I'm like,but I meant a rug.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
You meant a complete floor covering for the whole
surface.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
And so that's when I was like, oh snap.
To me that one instance is whattriggered like we're going to
have to work on this for therest of our lives.
Forever, Because your visionand my vision are two different
things always, and so weconstantly have to go back and
forth of like what do you thinkI said?
What does this mean to you?
Draw me a picture of whatyou're saying, like draw me the
(07:47):
picture that you see in yourhead of what I just described.
That is completely incorrect.
Let me draw you what I'mtelling you.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
I did not expect that story when I thought of this
question what did you think Iwas going to say?
Speaker 2 (07:56):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
There's so many other .
Speaker 2 (07:57):
There's, honestly, there's so many other times
where I you do this to me allthe time in this podcast.
May I say my idea.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
I thought you were going to talk about the trees.
When I got the trees trimmed,See see, and I cut down the dead
tree.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
You do this to me all the time.
You set up an icebreaker andyou're like Selena.
Give me a time in our liveswhere I looked terrible or when
you hawked out and I'm just like.
I don't want to keep throwingyou under the bus, like I really
like you.
I don't want people to thinkyou're a bad, terrible person
(08:30):
and I don't want people to thinklike I'm just like hormone
raging out all the time, likeit's so nerve-wracking?
Speaker 1 (08:34):
That's not it.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
No, no, no, I did not do the tree one, because that
wasn't the first, that wasn'tthe one that like really stuck
to my heart of wow, ourcommunication is off well,
that's good, because that's theone that, like, sticks to my
heart the most tell them this.
You gotta tell now.
You gotta tell them thecommunication was off.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
We had tree work.
We had tree workers coming toour house to take, take care of
some trees I was obsessed withthe trees and we had multiple
dead trees.
We had multiple big brancheshanging over that were like a
hazard because the trees hadn'tbeen maintained for years when
we bought the house.
So I was like I'm gonna get theguys out, get these trees fixed
.
So on our property was also adead maple tree.
It was right by our deck andbirds liked it.
(09:11):
It had a couple branches thatstill spit out leaves but like
90 dead tree, okay, okay, and Ihad them.
Cut that tree down.
Yes, right by our deck, yes,and my wonderful wife was very
afraid that our deck would neverhave shade again, would never
have birds around it again, anddid not like that.
(09:33):
I cut down her shade tree.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
I did not say that.
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Perfect.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
It was a dead tree.
It did not provide shade.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Take me through this.
Okay, what did you say?
Speaker 2 (09:42):
It was in our bird sanctuary.
Bird sanctuary, we had athrough this, okay, what?
Speaker 1 (09:45):
did you say it was in our bird sanctuary?
We had keep going.
No, I'm not making fun of you.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
I'm highlighting your views for the people we have a
tiny little pocket that's likewrapped.
Our deck is wrapped around it,where there were trees sprouting
out of it.
Okay, and I told kyle tree I hadthe one tree, the one dead, the
one dead tree, the 90% dead,one tree that's wrapped around
(10:08):
our deck.
And I told Kyle, why don't weturn this into our bird
sanctuary?
Because there were bird feedersin this area.
There was a beautiful littlebird house in this area and
there was the tiniest littlebird that would come every year
and it had the sweetest littlemelody and it would build its
house and it would lay its eggsand it had the sweetest little
melody and it would build itshouse and it would lay its eggs
(10:28):
and it would go away and itnested in this tree.
So to me, I did not care aboutthe shade, I did not care about
the fruit of the tree, I caredabout the habitat to maintain
for these precious creatures,god's creatures, kyle, and I
wanted to keep that element aspart of the bird sanctuary.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
The pitfall that I hear goes back to what he says
and what she hears, and what shesays and what he hears.
Yeah, the trigger here.
Yes, we talked about thepitfall of the communication gap
the lost in translationtranslation yes but the trigger
here is and was fear.
Afraid that these birds werenever going to come back, yeah,
(11:14):
afraid that this peace, thissanctuary was ruined.
The huge communication triggeris fear.
Right, so many times, if we'regonna clam up, we're afraid of,
afraid of what we're gonna say,or afraid of how our partner is
gonna react to what we say yeah,right, yeah, and for women,
they're afraid of how he's gonnarespond, yeah, or if he's, he's
(11:36):
shut this conversation down.
Seven times we're afraid toeven bring it up again go at
that conversation, right, yeah,can you?
you speak to that like?
So I've moved into, likeclamming up here now because of
fear.
Can you speak into that from a,from a woman's perspective?
What causes that fear of notbeing wanting to speak, the fear
(11:58):
of bringing up the subject?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
I think it goes back to the roles and the expectation
of a husband and wife in aChristian setting.
Okay, because we're a Christianpodcast and in a Christian
setting we understand the godlystructure of a family.
You know, like, god is the headRight, the male is the leader,
he's the father figure, he's theprotector provider, and then
(12:21):
the woman is, you know, thehelper, et cetera, et cetera,
the protective provider, andthen the woman is the helper, et
cetera, et cetera.
And I think when women have tobring up issues that guys are
not taking ownership andleadership in, then we fear A we
don't want to feel like we'rethreatening his role as the
(12:41):
leader.
Okay, we really want you totake initiative.
We really, really, really wantyou to take initiative.
We really, really, really wantyou to own this, we want you to
take the lead, we want you to goto church.
But if we bring it up a third,fourth, fifth time how come
you're not coming to church withme and the kids Then it feels
like we're causing the conflictbecause you already made your
(13:03):
stance and we don't want tochallenge your leadership, we
don't want to challenge yourauthority, and it's stuff like
that.
Like if there is a man who isstruggling mentally and we are
encouraging them to go tocounseling and they just don't
want to go.
And we see after time and timeand time they're just resisting
it.
They don't want to do it.
(13:24):
Then we feel like if wecontinue to bring it up A it's
frowned upon to be a naggingNancy.
We don't want to be seen asbeing nagging, we don't want to
be seen as being not supportiveor not submissive to the husband
and we really want you to bethe leader.
(13:45):
Like we don't want to be theleader, we don't want to have to
be the leader.
But when you guys don't talkabout these conflicts, then it
feels like we're forced to bethe leader and then we're out of
our role, we're out of ourelement and so it feels off and
it just becomes tense it.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Just it becomes tons.
And the guys, I think from myperspective there are times
where it's obvious to lead andthere's times where it's less
obvious to lead and I need tolike, I like the encouragement
when you, but when it's gettingto like that fifth or sixth time
where correct, or even thirdtime where I'm missing that, yes
, or where he's missing it, thenyou got to get out of the way
and let the Holy Spiritcommunicate to him.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Right, yes, and he'll get it.
When he's sitting there andy'all are packed up, gone to
church and he's like, oh snap,or you know, you're struggling
and stressed out with gettingthe kids ready and he's sipping
his coffee, looking out thewindow like that awareness to
see, hey, wait, something's outof balance here.
(14:48):
That is a huge part ofunderstanding the communication
divide.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
They might not get it .
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Understanding the clamming up that comes out of
that, because she's not.
She's clamming up on talkingabout this, because you're
clamming up on doing your part.
Right, you said they might notget it.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
No, they might not get it.
They might just think like, oh,that's what she wants, so I'm
not going to stand in her way.
But it's like-.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Ooh, can I come to the guy's side on this?
Yeah, or he might feel so.
He's tried so many times andit's never been right.
He's always put the wrong shoeson the kid, he's always brushed
the hair the wrong way, he'snever had the right matching
outfit, and those things causehim to withdraw from from
(15:31):
attempting, you know.
And so when this has happenedwith us like those are real
examples that have happened withus I've, I've gone to what can
I do that I know I can do?
Well.
Yeah, right, pack the lunch.
Yeah, pack the snacks.
Yeah, get the waters ready, getthe coffee ready.
Those are little things, butwhile you're brushing the girl's
hair and making our daughterlook awesome, I can have the
(15:52):
water bottles ready, likethere's no wrong way to put
water in a water bottle, rightright, so we talked about
clamming we talked abouthesitating to bring up conflict.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
There's still so many more triggers and there's so
many more pitfalls yeah thathave to come with communication.
Let's's just break it all down,okay, hey everyone, we hope
that you're enjoying thisepisode, and right now we want
to just take a small minute tointroduce to you the latest
thing that we created to helpyou elevate your relationship
and take it to the next level.
(16:22):
It's called the Love by FaithPlaybook.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
Every good coach knows they have to have winning
plays.
We went through our foundationseries and we pulled out some of
the best winning plays andcreated strategies for you guys.
Plays like how to be betterfinancially, how to do ministry
together, how to be betterromantically, how to be better
family life.
We went through all thesedifferent areas from the
foundation series and put ittogether in a playbook.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So grab your Love by Faith playbook today.
You can use the link in thedescription below, enter it, and
the good news about this isthat it is a living document, so
you download it one time andevery single month we're going
to be updating this document togive you fresh, new plays to
help you and your partner Loveby Faith and create a winning
(17:06):
season.
Go ahead and get your Love byFaith Playbook now.
And let's get back into thisepisode.
There's so many triggers andjust to kind of list them all,
to just say we're, we're coveredmost of them.
You know when I think of atrigger when it comes to
(17:26):
communication, I think of you.
Know how you said people clamup, they shut down, they don't
want to talk.
Okay, yeah.
Then you have the people whofeel like they were talking and
the person is not hearing them,and so they just full on, shut
down in the middle of theconversation and they're just
like, okay, okay, okay, uh-huh,okay.
(17:47):
You know, I've been therebefore and I've been on the
receiving end of that before andit's just like it sucks, you
know to do that.
There's the people who cry,like that was one that you
brought up, where if you seesomeone crying in the middle of
them, in the middle of aconversation, then the person
who's not crying would feel like, oh snap, I've gone too far,
(18:07):
I'm sorry, let's just talk aboutthis later.
And then they never talk aboutit because they're like, if I
bring this up, they're going tocry.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
So never ending delay of the subject.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Yes, yes, yes.
Never ending delay of thesubject of like oh I'm not in
the mood to talk about this, oh,I'm way too busy.
Can we talk about this later?
Speaker 1 (18:26):
The guy keeps kicking the can.
Yeah, on talking about.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
So tired.
I just had a long day at work.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Right, talking about X, y and Z.
Yes, he's exhausted.
Yes, right, maybe he's triedthis talk.
Maybe I've tried this talk andit's been stonewalled or it's
been met with gaslighting.
So I was thinking of this.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Gaslight is a huge trigger in communication.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Wait for this one Spiritual gaslighting.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Tell me about it.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
You need to pray about this more.
This isn't a you and me thing.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
This is a you thing, and you need to go pray about
this Wow.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Spiritual gaslighting If you keep telling them you
need to just pray about this andfigure it out.
You need to pray about this andsee.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
God on that one.
This is a you problem.
It's not a me problem.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Right, wow, the shapes of gaslighting, and that
goes both ways.
Guys could say that too.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Sure, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
You're just not close enough to God right now.
Wow, maybe you need to work onthat, and so that's a huge.
That's like I don't know, it'sa cliff.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Because now the insecurity.
So this is one that's going tobreed insecurity.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
The insecurity of I can't talk about this.
She's going to think I'm notspiritually connected with God.
Wow, she's going to think I'mnot being a spiritual leader
because last time we talkedabout this she told me I needed
to pray about it more.
I need to pray for my healingin this.
Thank you so much, told me Ineeded to pray about it more.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I need to pray for my healing in this.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
I need to pray for my and well, yeah, praying for
healing, praying for comfort,praying for words, praying for
direction is real.
Yeah, shutting your partnerdown when they're opening up to
you about this and saying hey, Iknow, you know, you just need
to pray about that especiallywhen the problem, when the
conflict is like about thatpartner, yeah, and they're using
it to deflect or be defensiveabout it, like I'm not gonna.
(20:14):
You just need to pray about that, like you keep coming at me
with this and you just need topray about that and figure it
out you know what's you know?
Speaker 2 (20:21):
what's crazy to me is we only just discovered the
term.
It's only just become popular,the term gaslighting.
Okay, 10 years ago, when wewere in our, in the beginning of
our marriage, nobody talkedabout gaslighting.
Nobody talked about like thiswas a thing.
This is something you should bemindful of.
(20:43):
But it was there and we justdidn't know how to handle it.
We didn't know how to likenavigate through it yeah, or you
know the mental healthawareness the mental health
awareness has come so far, andeven just the small span of 10
years, and I I'm just sograteful for it because we I
(21:03):
personally feel like so manypeople we go through so much
mentally we have no idea.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Yeah, no, it's everyone we have no idea what
we're going through.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
And then we get together and we get married and
we think it's going to be greatnot realizing that there are so
many mental blocks from ourchildhood or from our adulthood
or from our sin in the worldbefore we became Christians and
before all these things.
And it's just.
It's so hard if you're notwilling to see it and take
(21:36):
awareness of it and then try torewire yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
That's right.
Being willing to rewire, beingteachable in this, being
vulnerable, having the humilityto say hey, I really struggle
with this.
When you start crying, I can'teven take you seriously, is real
yes.
Or saying to your husband whenyou yell at me, that stops me
(22:03):
from talking to you.
When you raise your voice, evenif you're not yelling at me.
You're just getting loudbecause you're feeling emotional
about this.
You're passionate, yeah, youknow being able to have that
five seconds of courage you'vetalked about in the past.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
To say these things will help him be aware and if
he's a, goes back to thegoodwill.
It's just like how all this isso connected.
It builds on each other thegoodwill in a relationship.
As a man, I have to know thatshe's got our best interest.
As the woman, you have to knowthat I've got our best interest.
My goal is for us to succeed.
My goal is for us to win, andwe have to be accountable to
(22:38):
ourselves to be with thatmindset.
Are we trying to be right?
Are we trying to be connected?
Are we trying to communicate toprove our point?
Are we trying to communicate toconnect, to move forward, to
resolve?
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Resolve.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
And so those are huge , huge pitfalls is when we
communicate just to win.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Are we trying to make points?
Are we trying to make peaceRight?
Speaker 1 (23:06):
And that's one that I think is easy to get out of
hand Pride, and because of lackof humility, because of maybe
it's just how you're wired, howyour experiences have led you to
feel that you need to be right.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, yeah, definitely 100%.
I think something you talkedabout just in this sentence, in
this part, was really, I think,what stops a lot of people, what
becomes the pitfall is they getfaced with that for lack of a
better term a communicationmonster, the yelling, the crying
(23:40):
, the gaslighting.
They get met with that and itstops the communication
completely dead in its tracksand what you're saying is call
it out.
A lot of couples don't get tothe place where they could just
call that out and put it inplain sight and just really
expose what's going on in themidst of the conflict and in the
(24:02):
midst of the communication.
And because we're not braveenough or courageous enough or,
you know, just tired enough tojust be like bro, you're
gaslighting right now, you know,or?
honey honey, you're crying and Isee you and I'm all for your
emotions, but this is not goingto stop our conflict.
(24:24):
Right now, like we still haveto talk about this, like we need
to get over the fact that wehave to expose it, and the best
way to do it is to say it likeyou mean it and like really call
it for what it is.
And, like you said, the onlyway we can get to that point is
by knowing, no matter what we'rein this for it to get, we're in
this for each other.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
We're in this for the greater good.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
We're in this to make the peace and to move past, not
to stir the pot and make itworse and then ultimately lead
to a divorce.
I think a lot of the timespeople think in the back of
their heads that all of theseconflicts are going to cause
separation and separation isgoing to lead towards a divorce.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
So they're again going back to fear.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
They're going back.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
yes, Going back to the doom funnel, the doom tunnel
, yeah, and just spiraling.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
I don't want to tell him that I just spent a ton of
money on the credit card becausehe's going to get mad and it's
the third time and he's notgoing to like me anymore, he's
not going to love me anymore andsomething's going to happen to
our relationship.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
I more, he's not going to love me anymore and
something's going to happen toour relationship.
I want to go fishing so bad.
But if I ask her again, she'sgoing to tell me about all this
stuff.
I did wrong and forgot to dothis week of my chores, of
getting the house ready, and soI'm not even going to bring it
up to go fishing, but I'm goingto sit around and be miserable
all day.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I'm not going to tell them that there's a problem in
the bedroom, because thenthey're not going to want to do
it again, and then I'm not goingto have intimacy with my
partner, and then we're going tofade away and they're not going
to love me so these little, soit's.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
I think it starts small, yeah the answer is
starting small it's always thelittle communications to build
up to the bigger ones to get it.
It's maybe him having thetissue ready for her, maybe her,
you know, giving him the spacewhen he's yelling just let it
out.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Let him out.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Let it out, husband, we're, I'm with you, I know
you're right, let it out and andjust being by him for that
moment, then giving him thespace to recover, giving her the
space to gather herself andcome back together for when the
peace is there, I think, but notkicking and letting that can
disappear, I think what you'resaying.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
It requires small steps, but the small steps have
to be towards building eachother up first.
Okay, so what are you doing inyour relationship, what are you
doing in your marriage right now?
That is, showing your partnerthat you guys are an inseparable
(27:00):
team.
What are you doing to show themthat you are the safe space,
that you are the place wherethey can be vulnerable, where
they can cry, where they canyell, where they can be wrong,
where they can want to prove thepoint that they're right and
still feel like we can overcomethe communication obstacles.
(27:23):
We can overcome these pitfalls.
What are you guys doing, whatsmall steps are you taking now
to show them that, no matterwhat they say or what they do,
you love them when they get itright, you love them when they
get it wrong.
Because I think if you are ableto cultivate that kind of
(27:43):
environment within your marriage, then having these
conversations, it would beeasier to expose the triggers.
It would be easier to say Iknow this is how you're reacting
, but we still got to getthrough this.
It would be easier to say it'sokay to share, it's okay,
because you will have space tofeel these feelings.
(28:04):
You will have space to be angry.
I'm not going to shut it off.
I'm not going to turn you awaywhen you are coming to me in
your most vulnerable moment,even if that vulnerability looks
like sadness or anger ordepression, even if it looks
like you are afraid and you'rein denial, even if it looks like
you are overlooking you're indenial, even if it looks like
(28:24):
you are overlooking it andyou're completely ignorant.
To the point.
Even if we have to redirect theconversation again and again,
again, you are committed to this.
I am committed to this, and weboth know that we're here for
each other and therefore, we'regonna figure out how to get
through this together amen, amen.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
now that's, I said it better myself, you do this all
the time you say the whole pointand I nothing else that there
can be added to that.
There has to be something, kyle, that you can tell us.
It does go back to prayer.
While there is spiritualgaslighting, spending time in
prayer together, spending timein devotionals together to think
through and think about yourlove and your marriage, are
(29:05):
going to create better outcomesin these communication pitfalls
and triggers.
Yes, good news.
Yes, I'm going to talk aboutnext episode.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
Good news Next episode yes, we got a
communication plan.
Yes, we're going to talk aboutthis.
We're going to talk about theplan.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
It's going to be a new resource in the playbook.
A new resource in the playbookyes, and I really.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
this is one of those huge topics communication that
never ends.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
It never ends.
I was going to say this.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
And as we grow and shift and we get better at
communicating with each otherand we learn what triggers our
partner and we learn whattriggers our partner and we
learn what our pitfalls are andwe learn how to do it better and
practice it more.
It grows naturally and it takesa constant evolution.
I think we've put together agreat episode here.
Yes, lots of pitfalls, lots oftriggers.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Lots of ways couples can work together to grow their
communication.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
And and next week we'll lay it out with a
communication game plan on thelove by faith podcast.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Tell us, tell us more no, I think you got this.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Keep going we're not just thinking by faith, we're
not just acting by faith, we areloving by faith.
The communication series to sayit like you mean a
communication series.
The say it like you mean it,communication series.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
I'm going to say it how I mean it.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Say it.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Listen, guys, kyle won't let me talk, okay?
He said I talk too much and soI decided to be quiet.
And now Kyle's struggling toend the episode and I'm trying
to let him have what he wanted,and now he keeps trying to push
me into saying things.
It's true, I just told on you.
Speaker 1 (30:48):
I fell into the trigger of getting overwhelmed
and then getting a blank slatein my brain.
Yep, that's one of them, yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Guys, I guess.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Go ahead.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I honestly okay, listen.
I think this communicationseries is going to be a lot
harder for us than we thought,because he's absolutely right.
It is a daily, daily walk toacknowledge communication, to
work on yourself and your skills, to work on grace for each
(31:22):
other and their skills and totry to overcome it.
And I think the enemy knows thatwhat is said and what is
interpreted is something that hehas been using as a tactical
way to separate and cause strifein a marriage since the
beginning of time, and so wejust have to really be mindful,
(31:43):
like Kyle said, with prayer, andkeep God close to us and so
that way, we can hear what hetells us to say and what he
tells us not to say, and how tosay it in love, because, at the
end of the day, love is whereit's at, and that's what's going
to help you overcome all things.
So us, being human we're notperfect people we're going to
(32:07):
keep going through this, and Ithink at the end of this tunnel,
which is one week to go becauseof the off week, we are going
to have a plan, a practical planto help you and us.
This is what works and this iswhat should be in place so that
you can overcome these hurdles alot quicker and sooner and you
(32:29):
can get to the good parts ofcommunication with yourself and
your spouse.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
Amen, amen, thank you , thank you.
Thank you for having thegoodwill for our relationship
and our podcast to help me seeit through.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
I love you and please don't be bossy.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
I love you and please don't be defensive.
Let's pray for the people.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
You pray, you pray, thank you Lord, lord, lord, god
Father.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
We thank you, lord, god Father, we thank you.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
We thank you.
We thank you for just makingthis a topic that we all kind of
struggle with and we need totalk to you about, come to you
personally with their ownpersonal matters, because
(33:25):
sometimes communication can beeasy and we take that for
granted and sometimes it's hardand we need you in those areas.
So we pray that we could justhear you, you could give us
wisdom and discernment, youcould show us how to communicate
effectively with our spouse andwith our partner, so that we
can talk and be on the same pageand just really learn how to be
(33:45):
in this season together in love, in safety, in community and in
fellowship with you.
Lord, we give you glory andhonor.
We thank you, for this means tojust reach your people.
And we pray that you bless themtoday In Jesus's name amen.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Amen, amen.
We appreciate you guys beinghere.
We appreciate you guys lovingby faith and being with us on
this journey.
We're all in it together.
We're all getting bettertogether and each week we'll be
back to help you.
Well, not each week, but mostweeks we'll be back to help you.
Love by faith.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
See you guys next week.
Did you do the call to actionLike?
Speaker 1 (34:28):
share, subscribe.
Hit the email so you can get onthe playbook and make sure you
put five stars on Spotify.
Do they know how to get theemail?
Go to our website Love by FaithMinistries.
There's a link in thedescription.
There's always a link in thedescription.
There's a link.
There's always a link in thedescription.
Come on, it's 2025.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
Everybody, guys no, we don't have to say this every
time.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Yes, we do I would love to see a poll about this in
august, when I have full-timestatus and I got time to put a
poll together.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Yes, we're going to be pulling the mess out of this
podcast.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Man, okay, last thing because I got to go.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Last thing.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
What is?
I'm trying to think of aquestion I don't know the answer
to.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Don't make it a super big question.
Speaker 1 (35:22):
Okay, if you could have a communication superpower.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
What would it be to read your mind?
Speaker 1 (35:26):
read my mind yes I was thinking if I could get you
to just understand the way I'mthinking without having to like
say anything.
See, so both in your mind.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
if I could just read kyle's mind, as the world would
be a better place.
I'm so late, I gotta go.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
I gotta go.
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