Navigating relationships with friends of the opposite sex requires clear boundaries and intentional communication, especially after marriage.
• Setting boundaries with opposite-sex friends becomes crucial when married or in a committed relationship
• Including your spouse in all communications with opposite-sex friends builds trust and transparency
• Some friendships naturally dissolve after marriage, revealing potential hidden intentions
• Work "spouses" create dangerous emotional connections that should be reserved for your actual spouse
• Group settings are preferable for personal conversations with opposite-sex friends
• When someone is spiritually on fire for God, their attraction can be misinterpreted
• If inappropriate feelings develop, confession, repentance, and creating distance are necessary steps
• Two becoming one flesh means respecting both partners as a unit
• Guardrails protect marriages before problems arise
• Transparency with your spouse about all interactions prevents misunderstandings
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So this week we're getting into friends of the
opposite sex.
You have no idea what someoneelse's heart intention is how
did it change for you, once wewere married, with making
friends of the opposite sex?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
But you don't know them, other people.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
So what happens when it's gone too far?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
But by trusting in God we learned what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
A relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
What a day at work I had.
(00:57):
Oh, that was such a rough one.
I'm back here on the couch withyou, though.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
That's right.
This is important.
This is ministry work.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
It's wonderful work.
I love being here with our team, with our people, with our
microphones.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Who's our team?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
You, me, the Holy Spirit and everyone listening.
That's right, you guys are ourteam, the camera there that's
our team.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Amen the lights, they're our team they're the
team, they're the lighting team,light one and light two let's
go and light three.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Can't forget about light three can't forget about
light three.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
That's special secret .
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Light three, yes so we were going through our idea
book, we're like we had a planfor april and holy spirit
totally just derailed it and waslike I don't think that's the
way you should go.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I don't think.
Yeah, I feel like we're justcoming back from break and we're
about to head into the springseason and we did have
everything completely lined upall the way into the end of
season two.
But as we were looking at it, Ijust felt like some of the
conversations that we were goingto have were almost reminders
(02:10):
and almost like continuations ofconversations that we've
already had.
And in looking in our book andour planning team, we just felt
like there was a lot of loosehanging conversations that we
couldn't necessarily placeanywhere, but they needed to be
(02:32):
had, and so Kyle came up with abrilliant idea of spring
cleaning.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Welcome to the spring cleaning series where we're
going to clean out our idea book.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
We're cleaning out our idea book with some
conversations that you guyswould definitely find helpful
and interesting, but don'treally necessarily go with a
particular series.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Right, so they're going to be one topic this week,
one topic next week Just randomtopics and they're not going to
be the usual monthly seriesthat we do.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Flow type A.
This is for the type Blisteners and watchers right
here this is for you guys tojust have different topics every
single week that are going tobe helpful, informative,
insightful, funny, uh,interesting.
All the things serious, serious, yeah, yeah, they're serious
yeah definitely serious.
These are topics that I think alot of people are just like
(03:25):
what about this topic and whatabout this thing?
Yep, Like what are we going totalk about that?
Well, we're talking about itnow.
Okay, You're welcome.
Thank us later.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
So this week we're getting into friends of the
opposite sex.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
So who's your guy best friend?
Speaker 2 (03:41):
I don't, I don't have a guy best friend Trick.
Question me, selena, oh snap,ask it again.
I totally messed that up.
Do it again.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Do it again, okay so we're getting into friends of
the opposite sex.
Yes, who is your best friend ofthe opposite sex?
Selena kyle.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I only have one friend in the whole world one
friend and that's you I thinkyou oversold that.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Dang it okay.
You know what?
Speaker 2 (04:08):
guys.
Okay, well, you know where I am, you know where my heart is.
That's awesome.
My heart is I don't have guys,friends of the opposite sex no,
but per se.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Seriously, though, was it like that always?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
it was not like that.
Always I had best friends whowere guys, and it's so
interesting, oh my gosh, it's sointeresting.
Oh my gosh, it's so interestingbecause when I came back from
college, I had close guy friendsand.
I would call them first, I wouldkick it with them and of course
, we were a big group peoplethat came from my college who
lived in the same city.
We all hung out together.
(04:39):
We were the crew right, it wasthe crew, and so the crew would
get together.
But I would mainly talk to thisother guy, and I remember
specifically saying like hey,are there any feelings here?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Like I put it out there, I was like, are there any
feelings there?
I just want you to know that II do not share any feelings in
that way and I don't want thisto get weird, I just want to be
friends.
Okay, so I've had, I hadmultiple guy friends and I said
the same thing to all of the guyfriends because I was not in a
position, I was, I was just, Ihad other tastes and other types
(05:13):
and my head was just in one waywith certain guys and then it
was a different way with theseguys.
And so there were strictlyfriend zone friends Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
But it was clear they knew.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
It was clear.
Zone friends, okay, man, but itwas clear, they knew, it was
clear, they knew right.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, and I, I made it I and I would ask them often
and I'd be like, hey, make surethis is cool, are we good?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
or do we need to?
You know we okay.
So there, um, but what'sinteresting is when you find the
one that you're serious withyeah the dynamic of the
friendships change and then thetrue intent of the heart is
revealed okay okay, so I had guyfriends yeah once I met you
right who, it started to getserious with you and we started
(05:54):
to you know, we got engaged, wegot married.
All of a sudden, guy friendswould just cut me off, dismiss,
disappear completely yeah, itseemed.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I mean, I met some of these friends and it seemed
like they just fizzled awayCompletely.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Like no explanation, where I have other guy friends
who are still there to this day,who recognize you, acknowledge
you, respect you, and I can haveconversations, I could share
side jokes with them and it'scool because they respect us
right but the guys whodisappeared lets me know like,
(06:31):
oh, there was something elsethere or it just was.
Life just happened and lifecould have just happened their
way.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
That's how I had to, you know, asking myself the same
question.
I didn't have like a ton offriends who were girls.
I had one and we were reallygood friends, like in my early
20s.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
And like right before we met.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Our friendship kind of just.
She moved to a whole othercountry.
Right Another continent, yeah,For school, and so our
friendship fizzled because shewas gone, and then I met you.
Yeah old because she was goneand it was just then I met you.
Yeah, and the rest is historyyeah and then, uh, I remember
she popped up like right when wewere about to get married okay
and she wanted to be part of thewedding and I was like you
(07:12):
don't even know my, my fiance'sname, like, and I was.
I felt bad to like, like no, wecan't do that.
But at the same time it waslike I gotta show respect to
selena yeah and show you know,honor the honor, honor our
friendship yeah and protectingit from that and again.
There was never any like thingthere, but so through that we've
(07:35):
had friends who are of theopposite sex before we got
married before we got marriedyes how did make?
How did?
I'm gonna ask this how did itchange for you, once we were
married, with making friends ofthe opposite sex?
Speaker 2 (07:49):
How did it change for me, once we got married, of
friends with the opposite sex?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Once we were married, how did making friends of the
opposite sex change?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
So for me personally, you were included in all things
.
Right.
For me personally, you wereincluded in all things.
Right.
You were included in all thingsbecause I had to set boundaries
and I would like to think thatguys who meet me would
understand that the boundariesthat I made were not impersonal
(08:22):
to them, but it was personal tome in my head, like it was
personal to my marriage, and sobecause you're seeing me as a
wife married with somebody, likethat is just what the boundary
is Like.
This is not because I'mattacking you or anything like
that, and so I have friends, butit's I just pass them to you.
You know what I mean.
(08:43):
So it's like okay, like ifsomebody is placed on my heart,
you know heart and it's a guyand I'm just like, oh man, I
should reach out to this, andI'm like, no, I'm not going to
reach out to that because thatcould look weird, that could be
seen as weird, and so I'm justlike, hey, kyle, go check on
that guy.
Yeah, or if I have to text themabout anything, I include you
(09:08):
in the chat, because what endsup happening is I never want to
give the impression that I amtrying to sidebar or DM somebody
, where any of my words oractions or behaviors could be
taken and twisted in a differentlight, because what I do with
someone could be one thing, buthow the world perceives what I
do could be completely different.
(09:30):
And so I try to protect myselfat all costs Like I never.
You will never find me, youknow you know, and even like
being alone in a room withsomebody.
Like I have guy brothers in thechurch that I've known for years
, who have seen me at my worst,who have seen me at my best, and
being alone in a room with themfor more than 10 minutes, like
(09:53):
bring a kid in here, likesomebody needs to be in the room
, not because I feel likesomething's going to happen, but
just because that it's not myplace to be your minister.
It's not my place to to to getdeep, my place to to to get deep
with you, and there's only somuch we can do at a surface
level before we're just like allright, awkward silence, like
what do we do, where do we go?
Speaker 1 (10:12):
it's good so you build in these, you build in
these um boundaries.
Yes, so that these is.
These situations don't pop upyes so you don't end up in a
situation, uh, like I'm thinkingabout, like that old will and
jada thing, where, what was it?
a situation ship, no it was uhuh, yes, there will never be
(10:38):
entanglements over here yeah andso I remember, if you know, we
did have to text someone likeselena, I need you to reach out
to this lady and ask her this.
I need to reach out to thislady and tell her this and like,
that's it.
And I work with a ton of women,right?
Yeah, like yeah, it's justnormal, normal life and there's
nothing you know.
(10:58):
Thankfully, it's just, it'sjust straight work relationship.
Yeah, you gotta leave it atwork.
Like you said, don't give anyroom for that misconstrued chat,
that misconstrued message, thatmisconstrued chat, that
misconstrued message, thatmisconstrued.
I'm not sitting around havinglunch with these people at work,
right?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I'm glad you brought up work because, some people
have work husbands and workwives.
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
I don't prescribe to that.
I would never label someone mywork wife, okay.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Because you're my wife.
Period wife is such a importanttitle to me yes that I could
never disrespect you yes by evenputting somebody in that
category of yes my anything yes,right yes, and so I can't
imagine you would ever be likeoh yeah, that's my work husband,
unless you're talking aboutabout Sonny Jim, which even then
(11:50):
our dog you're not a big fan ofhim either.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
To say that, no, I'm not, no, that dog, that dog gets
on my nerves.
But to say that you aresomebody's office married
partner opens doors for you todo married things, not
necessarily physical.
Okay, I'm not saying you guysare sneaking away in a broom
(12:14):
closet, but what I'm saying iswhy are they, particularly your
husband or wife?
Is it because you're openingaccess to them to pour into you
or to lean on you or to dependon you or to you know, do things
that a husband or wife shouldbe doing?
You know, like, are you havingproblems at the house and then
(12:35):
you're taking that to your workwife and dumping, like that is.
That is red flags.
It's red flags.
Are you going to your workhusband because he's buying you
Dunkin' Donuts every morning andthat's why he's your husband?
That's a red flag.
You have a man giving you gifts.
That's not your husband andyour husband's cool with that,
(12:57):
your husband's cool with thatyour husband's cool with.
And somebody who's listening Ipromise you somebody out there
is listening right now andthey're like what's wrong with
that?
Saves me money.
I hear you, but at the sametime, bro, like they're getting
at your girl's heart.
You're giving them access toyour girl's heart, and the only
one that should have access toyour girl's heart is God and you
(13:17):
, because you made a vow andit's a covenant, and that
covenant should not be easilybroken over some dunky dunks.
You know what I'm saying, soit's serious, it's serious.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
That's.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
You know.
That's why, like I said, likethe, the, the boundaries that I
set in place might seem verystrict and might be like oh,
come on.
So you know, like that's that's, that's a lot, that's going
extra, but you have no idea whatsomeone else's heart intention
is.
When they're texting you lateat night, when they're sharing
these jokes with you, whenthey're giving you gifts, when
(13:51):
they're holding yourconversation and your attention
a little bit longer than yourspouse should be, it gets
dangerous and it's kind of likean unseen trap, because then
what happens when things aren'tgood at the house?
And then you're like well, thisperson makes me feel good, Well,
(14:13):
this person is easy to talk toand I know what ends up
happening.
A lot in church is girls whohave issues won't normally at
first go to other girls to talkabout issues.
They'll go to guys.
You think so they do.
They go to leaders of thechurch who are primarily men and
(14:37):
they'll talk about their issueswith men because they feel safe
around the men, because theyfeel protected by the men,
because they feel securitycoming from the man.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Even if they're married or not.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Even if they're married or not.
Here's the thing, kyle.
I don't know if you know thisand people who are listening
tell me if you guys know this,but when a woman, if there's a
single woman out there, or evenif there's a woman period and
they see a man on fire for God,there's an attraction for the
Holy Spirit that's inside thatman which will make them
(15:10):
attracted to that man.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Okay, that makes sense Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
And so, because they're attracted to the man,
they're going to want to try toget to the man.
Okay, doesn't necessarily meanthey're going to try to steal
and be a homewrecker, butthey're going to try to get some
of that man for themselves.
They might go to that man forproblems.
They might go for that man tojust pour into me, disciple me,
teach me.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
And then that kind of relationship because, oh, we're
just friends.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Oh, I'm not.
It's not against the wife, it'sagainst you.
But you have a liking to thisperson who should be very
guarded because of his stance inhis marital status.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So it leads me to two questions.
Question one, yes.
How do we take ownership of ouremotions and guard ourselves
against spreading that to thewrong direction, spreading that
energy that I want, that HolySpirit from this person, energy,
to the wrong way?
How do we do that?
How do we catch ourselves andstop ourselves from going that
(16:10):
wrong way?
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I mean I'm not a pastor, you know.
I'm sure pastors go throughthis.
I'm sure when they're speakinglike there are people getting
thrown at them and I mean thisgoes back before.
This goes for women as well.
There's a woman out there andwow, she's a proverb 31 like I
could talk to her about anything.
Like I'm sure guys will also goto women only to talk about
their problems.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Your face yeah, no, I'm thinking about that and I
like, there, I can't imaginethat like there are guys who
will go to women for emotionalsupport.
Yes, yes, well, I mean, I can,I can imagine that like, that,
like, but I can't imagine myselfgoing, but just amen so does
that come back to?
They're not getting thatemotional support at home Could
be.
They're not getting the chanceto just share.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
It could boil down to daddy and mom issues.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
You know, it depends on how far back the trauma is.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I mean and this could go into, I think about, like,
when guys share their feelings.
There's a big push for whenguys share their feelings to
their wives yes, for wives tonot just rationalize why they're
upset or to talk down why theguy is mad or get mad at him for
bringing up an issue that wastroubling him, right?
(17:22):
So I bring up, why do you makethe bet every day?
It makes me so mad and thenyou're like, and then you get
mad at me and like, without evenestablishing that my feelings
are hurt or that my you knowwhat I mean, and so then I have?
no, it's a roadblock to uscommunicating.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
So, it goes back to communication, the lack of
communication the lack ofemotional connection is causing
him to seek emotional connectionsomewhere else.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
So then he finds a friend who's there.
Oh, how are you?
How's your day?
I'm a little upset.
Well, what's going on?
You know you could tell meanything you want and the same
happens can happen for her right.
I'm thinking about this right,like guys yeah I don't want to
talk about this anymore.
I don't want to hear about yeah, you want me to make the bed
like I don't care.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Leader, like does anybody need prayer?
I need prayer, can I?
Can I talk to you a little bit?
Afterwards, yeah, I really havesome things on my chest that I
want to get off and I just wantto make sure the husband that
doesn't want to go to smallgroup you know, yeah, I mean the
wife that's like no, I'm good,I'm not going to small group
this week yeah, so so to answer,go back into the questions.
Um, how can somebody do that?
Speaker 1 (18:28):
how do we, how do we put up the?
Speaker 2 (18:30):
The first thing you want to do is never limit your
Holy Spirit in action.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
You always let that light shine.
God is doing something in you,he's doing something through you
, and the last thing you want todo is put a basket over that
light and dumb it down becauseyou are afraid that someone is
going to be attracted or drawnto it.
What you can do for your humanself, like while your Holy
(18:58):
Spirit is being activated andwhile they're preaching and
healing and encouraging andteaching and pastoring,
discipling all the things whatyou can do is you put your
boundaries in place.
You put those guardrails up andif there is a person of the
opposite sex who is like Ireally want to do this, you
immediately are like, okay, I'mgoing to get a third party to
come with me, selena, you'recoming with me.
(19:18):
You know like oh my wife and Ilet's go out to lunch with you.
Or you know, oh, my homie overhere.
You know another guy like hey,let's come and talk about it
together.
You, let's come and talk aboutit together.
You know, um, you definitelybring, if you're married, you
definitely bring the spouse.
You try to include the spouseas much as possible and you can
let them know a problem.
Like, hey, I just want to bringmy spouse into this because she
is a woman.
(19:38):
She has the female perspectivethat I never could have.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Period.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Period, and I think that it is the responsibility.
If you're going to have thatkind of authority or that
leadership role, you'redefinitely going to be putting
those things in place.
(20:03):
And if you don't have them inplace, bro, and then things just
start lingering, that is stickywater.
That's sticky water, it'strouble.
I don't care, I don't have agood phrase for it right now.
Yes, I don't, but troubledwater water sticky paper,
whatever, whatever you want tocall it sticky situation it is.
You want to keep your eye onthat leader, because they know
(20:23):
what they're responsible to doand they're not putting it in
place, and so so regardlessleader, layperson, minister,
non-minister, single, married.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
It sounds like it goes back to accountability.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Accountability, with yourself holding boundaries,
yeah, and this is not to saythat you can't have friends of
the opposite sex.
It's just we have to treat themlike brothers and sisters.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
There's a healthy way to do it.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
The DMs aren't happening.
No I think that's a bad move.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Like I said, anything that cannot be done in public
should not be done, period.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
No, I'm going to say no there.
Okay, because in public wecould chat one-on-one.
If I go chat with one of yourfriends after Sunday service,
you're not going to be like thatafter Sunday service.
You're not gonna be like that'sweird.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
No.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
But if I chat with one of your friends on my phone,
that's weird.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
That's what I said.
Anything that cannot be done inpublic cannot, should not be
done, Period.
If I see you across the halltalking to girls, but if I'm
like I'm not going to, like I'mgoing on after work with your
friend.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
That's weird.
Like chatting after work withyour friend is weird.
Chatting after work withanother lady, another dude, is
not gonna fly, it's gonna.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
It's gonna deteriorate the trust yes it's
the trust yes, it's theemotional goes back to the trust
you're lending those emotionsto someone else when you're
supposed to be focused on yourpartner and I I there are people
who are going to be like well,I'm very secure in the
relationship that I have with myhusband and they can go out and
do whatever they want because Iknow for a fact that nothing's
(21:58):
going to happen on their end.
That's cool, cool, cool, cool,cool.
You married them.
You're supposed to have thattrust.
Kudos to you.
And that trust you don't.
But you don't know them otherpeople.
You don't know the heart intentof those other people.
You didn't marry those otherpeople.
You have no idea what otherpeople are going to say and even
if the person, the friend thatyour spouse is talking to, is
cool, the rest of the world, youdon't know what they're saying.
(22:21):
You have to guard your union,protect it.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
At all costs.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
We have a special guest, this guy.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
You see what I'm talking about you see what I'm
talking about with this dog.
Oh heck no.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
He's here.
He's here for the party.
Oh heck, he's doing great.
He's got his Sonny Jim ladiesand gentlemen, sonny Jim has
entered the chat.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Sonny Jim has entered the chat, so that is what I
have to say about it.
Um, you did have anotherquestion though.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
No, I asked that.
I asked about the.
How do you protect yourself?
How do you set up theboundaries?
Yeah, how does that happen andwhat?
And how do you set up theboundaries?
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I, I will say that if you have a friend because there
I mean it's inevitable you'regonna have friends, you're not
just gonna have girlfriends orjust guy friends you know you're
gonna have friends.
But, um, how do you keep ithealthy?
Right, you know, yep, how doyou keep it healthy?
I would say you keep thepersonal matters in group
(23:25):
settings.
Yeah, you keep the um friendlybanter and the the, you know,
sibling connection there.
That's something that you guyscan share together.
Yeah, um, you can still prayfor each other.
You know, I, I person, mycomfort level is I would pray
with a guy, but I would havekyle with me if I'm praying with
(23:49):
somebody of the opposite sex,because you are tapping into
that spiritual intimacy, and youknow I, I just it makes me feel
comfortable knowing that I amdoing that with another guy.
It doesn't have to be myhusband, just, hey, guy, come
with me, let's pray together inthis with this person.
I think, um, guarding yourheart on what you share and
(24:11):
having letting your husband orletting your wife know, like
this is what I'm comfortablewith you doing with women yeah
or you know with if my husband,you know this is what I'm
comfortable with you doing ornot doing.
And then if you see somethingand sharing that immediately,
like don't just let that slipunder the rug but share it
(24:33):
immediately, of like this is Idon't feel comfortable with this
.
You don't necessarily have tosay it's right or wrong, because
to them, in their perspective,it might be totally fine and
they might be like what's theproblem?
But if you're sharing yourfeelings, nobody can take that
away from you and you can justbe like I am not comfortable
with this, I don't feelcomfortable with this, I don't
(24:57):
feel I just this isn't cool forme.
Then, out of respect for yourspouse, you would do what it
takes to make things comfortable.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
And you put yourself in their shoes, right, like what
if this person, what if yourspouse was coming to you like
hey, you know I've been textingjoe for 17 you know days saying
that ain't cool, like why youtexting joe, why aren't you
texting me, right, you know Igot one.
One last hard question on this.
Yes, friends of the oppositesex yes and this is like extreme
(25:28):
, hypothetical but extreme.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
What would you say to a lady who came to you married
lady, okay, and she's likeSelena.
I need help.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
I got a crush on this dude and he's not my husband.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Because this is what we're trying to avoid, that's
what we're trying to do.
So what happens when it's gonetoo far?
I know I put you on the spot,but I'm just taking it in my
head.
How far?
What are we helping couplesavoid?
We're helping couples avoidthis, but someone might be there
.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
I mean, everything happens, everything flows out of
the heart.
And so if you have a crush onsomebody who's not your husband,
you're already committingadultery.
You're already doing it.
And so how do you come out ofcommitting adultery?
You repent right you confess,you repent, right, and then you
turn away from it, and so what?
(26:18):
I would tell them.
First of all, I'd be like okay,girl, let's, let's talk about
it, let's, let's see.
Where did it happen?
When did when did this start?
right and I'd be like do youfeel, do you want to change this
?
right like I'm not going to tellyou what to do if your heart's
not ready to do something youknow.
So are you ready to change this?
Like, do you want to turn awayfrom this?
(26:38):
Are we ready to confess?
Are we ready to repent?
Okay, now we've got to bringyour husband in here.
You got to tell him.
Okay, you got to tell him.
And then from there, do y'allneed counseling, because this is
a matter that you might not beable to handle on your own.
There's there's some trust thatmight be broken.
There's some reconciliationthat's going to take definitely
(26:58):
a lot more challenges to toaccomplish right you know, and
it might be something thatyou're not able to do on your
own.
It could be, but maybe you mightneed some more help, and this,
this is the time to do it now,not when it gets worse.
And then the second thing you'dhave to do is you had a prune.
Right Separation, you got aprune If you got a crush on
somebody, y'all need to go to adifferent service.
(27:19):
Y'all need to go to a differentministry, a different small
group.
You need to avoid contact withthis person.
Okay, you don't necessarilyhave to be like for the past 17
years, I had a crush on you,I've been madly in love with you
, I've been thinking about you.
You don't have to say all thatto them, but you need to cut
ties.
And if the hey, what happened?
We used to be cool.
You know, I'm just working onmyself.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
I'm just working on myself.
And then every time you get afriend with you or you got your
accountability partner with you,because you cannot be, you
cannot trust yourself to be withthis person without having
something grow from it, and soyou need to put yourself in a.
The spirit is willing.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
The flesh is weak.
So if you go back to thisperson and he triggers something
and he, oh he's so charmingthose dimples, is that me?
You're right back in the same.
Oh, come on, it's, you'reputting yourself right back in
the same position, and so youhave to prune it.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Yeah, yeah, prune it, it's, it's emotional cutting to
go, even if you're going aftersomeone who's already taken yes
you know you're.
And then you got thedisappointment of yourself,
disappointment of your feelingsnot getting met, your needs not
getting met.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
You can grow resentful for your spouse
because they're not that person.
That's a whole otherconversation.
That's a whole otherconversation that we don't have
time for today, but man.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
So it's just the.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
Friends, bro, how many of us have them?
Speaker 1 (28:47):
That's good to know.
I'll close with this.
I think that the essential isthe boundaries, yes, the respect
for the marriage.
Yes is the respect for yourselfand your partner yes to love
them the way god calls you toone-on-one, adam and eve.
Yes, you and your adam, you andyour eve, having eyes only for
(29:08):
each other, not getting, notgetting pulled to the left or
the right, and when it doeshappen or you feel that pull,
cutting it as quick as you can,including your partner in those
hard talks, in those hardconversations, and praying
through it, and the trust willstay.
(29:29):
The trust will be stronger.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Right, I mean hard times make better relationships.
It's no pressure, no diamonds,right, yeah, it's going through.
That makes it better.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
I'll leave with this thought when you get married,
two flesh become one.
You're one.
One You're one, her and me.
We're one.
If you can't be friends withone, you can't be friends with
none of us.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Yeah, if you can't receive, if you can't
acknowledge, if you can'trespect one, you can't respect
none of us.
You're not respecting none ofus.
You're not acknowledging one ofus.
You don't get to pick andchoose which one of us is your
friend or who you're going to goto.
You come to us, because we'reone man.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
It's good we're running low on time for today
and I got to go.
Let's pray for the people, forus, for our ministry.
Lord, we are grateful.
We are thankful for this time,Lord, we're thankful for the
energy to be here to share.
Lord, that your Holy Spirit hasguided us through this talk
(30:35):
today.
I pray that the couples hearingthis would be able to take it,
apply what they're hearing anduse them for growth, use it for
joy, use it for peace, use itfor Holy Spirit action in their
life.
Lord, I pray for ourrelationship, that we stay
strong, that we keep ourboundaries and guardrails up,
Lord, and I pray for thoserelationships that we stay
strong, that we keep ourboundaries and guardrails up,
Lord, and I pray for thoserelationships out there that
they would be in the same, thatthey would apply the same
(30:59):
guardrails and boundaries tokeep their marriage strong.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Amen.
Thank you guys so much fortuning in to Love by Faith and
having us back after the springbreak.
If you're listening to thispodcast, we ask that you give us
a review.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Like share.
Subscribe review.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
If you're on YouTube, do all the things Kyle just
mentioned and come back nextweek because it's going to be
random.
We're spring cleaning.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
We're going to spring clean some more.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
We're spring cleaning everything out, and so it's
definitely a topic you won'twant to miss.
Love.
We're going to spring cleansome more.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
We're spring cleaning everything out, and so it's
definitely a topic you won'twant to miss.
Love by faith.
Y'all Sunny, any words, anywords of wisdom before we go.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
No, this dog doesn't talk.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
Okay, love by faith, y'all.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
Love by faith y'all.
We'll see you next week.
Bye, bye, you know we're goinggonna get viral because of this
dog.
I can't believe he showed up.
No, it wasn't fun I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
I don't know if he'll go viral, but he's so handsome,
everybody all everybody lovessunny gem.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
How could he not go viral?
You know why so polite.
Look, he came for you guys,look at this.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
He fits perfectly.
I get it up, the picture, I getit, but look at this dirty
beard there I have my reasonswhy this dog is she's talking
about my dog.
It's getting personal.
You ever seen John Wick?
You gotta watch that.
Why you don't mess with aperson's dog.
Bye y'all.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
This dog messes with me.
You guys just don't know it,because the cameras are on.
Wait till the cameras come off.
Then he's gonna be like oh,feed, come off.
Then he's gonna be like oh,feed me.
Oh, let me go out.
Oh, I'm running away and notlistening to you.
Oh, I'm gonna just dirty thismess over here.
We have something in common.
Run away, not listening to you,oh my gosh.
So this week we're getting into friends of the
opposite sex.
You have no idea what someoneelse's heart intention is how
did it change for you, once wewere married, with making
friends of the opposite sex?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
But you don't know them, other people.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
So what happens when it's gone too far?
Speaker 2 (00:15):
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
But by trusting in God we learned what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
A relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome all by
learning how to lean on God andeach other in order to help you
learn how to love by faith.
What a day at work I had.
(00:57):
Oh, that was such a rough one.
I'm back here on the couch withyou, though.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
That's right.
This is important.
This is ministry work.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
It's wonderful work.
I love being here with our team, with our people, with our
microphones.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Who's our team?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
You, me, the Holy Spirit and everyone listening.
That's right, you guys are ourteam, the camera there that's
our team.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Amen the lights, they're our team they're the
team, they're the lighting team,light one and light two let's
go and light three.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Can't forget about light three can't forget about
light three.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
That's special secret .
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Light three, yes so we were going through our idea
book, we're like we had a planfor april and holy spirit
totally just derailed it and waslike I don't think that's the
way you should go.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I don't think.
Yeah, I feel like we're justcoming back from break and we're
about to head into the springseason and we did have
everything completely lined upall the way into the end of
season two.
But as we were looking at it, Ijust felt like some of the
conversations that we were goingto have were almost reminders
(02:10):
and almost like continuations ofconversations that we've
already had.
And in looking in our book andour planning team, we just felt
like there was a lot of loosehanging conversations that we
couldn't necessarily placeanywhere, but they needed to be
(02:32):
had, and so Kyle came up with abrilliant idea of spring
cleaning.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Welcome to the spring cleaning series where we're
going to clean out our idea book.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
We're cleaning out our idea book with some
conversations that you guyswould definitely find helpful
and interesting, but don'treally necessarily go with a
particular series.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Right, so they're going to be one topic this week,
one topic next week Just randomtopics and they're not going to
be the usual monthly seriesthat we do.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Flow type A.
This is for the type Blisteners and watchers right
here this is for you guys tojust have different topics every
single week that are going tobe helpful, informative,
insightful, funny, uh,interesting.
All the things serious, serious, yeah, yeah, they're serious
yeah definitely serious.
These are topics that I think alot of people are just like
(03:25):
what about this topic and whatabout this thing?
Yep, Like what are we going totalk about that?
Well, we're talking about itnow.
Okay, You're welcome.
Thank us later.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
So this week we're getting into friends of the
opposite sex.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
So who's your guy best friend?
Speaker 2 (03:41):
I don't, I don't have a guy best friend Trick.
Question me, selena, oh snap,ask it again.
I totally messed that up.
Do it again.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Do it again, okay so we're getting into friends of
the opposite sex.
Yes, who is your best friend ofthe opposite sex?
Selena kyle.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I only have one friend in the whole world one
friend and that's you I thinkyou oversold that.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Dang it okay.
You know what?
Speaker 2 (04:08):
guys.
Okay, well, you know where I am, you know where my heart is.
That's awesome.
My heart is I don't have guys,friends of the opposite sex no,
but per se.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Seriously, though, was it like that always?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
it was not like that.
Always I had best friends whowere guys, and it's so
interesting, oh my gosh, it's sointeresting.
Oh my gosh, it's so interestingbecause when I came back from
college, I had close guy friendsand.
I would call them first, I wouldkick it with them and of course
, we were a big group peoplethat came from my college who
lived in the same city.
We all hung out together.
(04:39):
We were the crew right, it wasthe crew, and so the crew would
get together.
But I would mainly talk to thisother guy, and I remember
specifically saying like hey,are there any feelings here?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
Like I put it out there, I was like, are there any
feelings there?
I just want you to know that II do not share any feelings in
that way and I don't want thisto get weird, I just want to be
friends.
Okay, so I've had, I hadmultiple guy friends and I said
the same thing to all of the guyfriends because I was not in a
position, I was, I was just, Ihad other tastes and other types
(05:13):
and my head was just in one waywith certain guys and then it
was a different way with theseguys.
And so there were strictlyfriend zone friends Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
But it was clear they knew.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
It was clear.
Zone friends, okay, man, but itwas clear, they knew, it was
clear, they knew right.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, and I, I made it I and I would ask them often
and I'd be like, hey, make surethis is cool, are we good?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
or do we need to?
You know we okay.
So there, um, but what'sinteresting is when you find the
one that you're serious withyeah the dynamic of the
friendships change and then thetrue intent of the heart is
revealed okay okay, so I had guyfriends yeah once I met you
right who, it started to getserious with you and we started
(05:54):
to you know, we got engaged, wegot married.
All of a sudden, guy friendswould just cut me off, dismiss,
disappear completely yeah, itseemed.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I mean, I met some of these friends and it seemed
like they just fizzled awayCompletely.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Like no explanation, where I have other guy friends
who are still there to this day,who recognize you, acknowledge
you, respect you, and I can haveconversations, I could share
side jokes with them and it'scool because they respect us
right but the guys whodisappeared lets me know like,
(06:31):
oh, there was something elsethere or it just was.
Life just happened and lifecould have just happened their
way.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
That's how I had to, you know, asking myself the same
question.
I didn't have like a ton offriends who were girls.
I had one and we were reallygood friends, like in my early
20s.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
And like right before we met.
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Our friendship kind of just.
She moved to a whole othercountry.
Right Another continent, yeah,For school, and so our
friendship fizzled because shewas gone, and then I met you.
Yeah old because she was goneand it was just then I met you.
Yeah, and the rest is historyyeah and then, uh, I remember
she popped up like right when wewere about to get married okay
and she wanted to be part of thewedding and I was like you
(07:12):
don't even know my, my fiance'sname, like, and I was.
I felt bad to like, like no, wecan't do that.
But at the same time it waslike I gotta show respect to
selena yeah and show you know,honor the honor, honor our
friendship yeah and protectingit from that and again.
There was never any like thingthere, but so through that we've
(07:35):
had friends who are of theopposite sex before we got
married before we got marriedyes how did make?
How did?
I'm gonna ask this how did itchange for you, once we were
married, with making friends ofthe opposite sex?
Speaker 2 (07:49):
How did it change for me, once we got married, of
friends with the opposite sex?
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Once we were married, how did making friends of the
opposite sex change?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
So for me personally, you were included in all things
.
Right.
For me personally, you wereincluded in all things.
Right.
You were included in all thingsbecause I had to set boundaries
and I would like to think thatguys who meet me would
understand that the boundariesthat I made were not impersonal
(08:22):
to them, but it was personal tome in my head, like it was
personal to my marriage, and sobecause you're seeing me as a
wife married with somebody, likethat is just what the boundary
is Like.
This is not because I'mattacking you or anything like
that, and so I have friends, butit's I just pass them to you.
You know what I mean.
(08:43):
So it's like okay, like ifsomebody is placed on my heart,
you know heart and it's a guyand I'm just like, oh man, I
should reach out to this, andI'm like, no, I'm not going to
reach out to that because thatcould look weird, that could be
seen as weird, and so I'm justlike, hey, kyle, go check on
that guy.
Yeah, or if I have to text themabout anything, I include you
(09:08):
in the chat, because what endsup happening is I never want to
give the impression that I amtrying to sidebar or DM somebody
, where any of my words oractions or behaviors could be
taken and twisted in a differentlight, because what I do with
someone could be one thing, buthow the world perceives what I
do could be completely different.
(09:30):
And so I try to protect myselfat all costs Like I never.
You will never find me, youknow you know, and even like
being alone in a room withsomebody.
Like I have guy brothers in thechurch that I've known for years
, who have seen me at my worst,who have seen me at my best, and
being alone in a room with themfor more than 10 minutes, like
(09:53):
bring a kid in here, likesomebody needs to be in the room
, not because I feel likesomething's going to happen, but
just because that it's not myplace to be your minister.
It's not my place to to to getdeep, my place to to to get deep
with you, and there's only somuch we can do at a surface
level before we're just like allright, awkward silence, like
what do we do, where do we go?
Speaker 1 (10:12):
it's good so you build in these, you build in
these um boundaries.
Yes, so that these is.
These situations don't pop upyes so you don't end up in a
situation, uh, like I'm thinkingabout, like that old will and
jada thing, where, what was it?
a situation ship, no it was uhuh, yes, there will never be
(10:38):
entanglements over here yeah andso I remember, if you know, we
did have to text someone likeselena, I need you to reach out
to this lady and ask her this.
I need to reach out to thislady and tell her this and like,
that's it.
And I work with a ton of women,right?
Yeah, like yeah, it's justnormal, normal life and there's
nothing you know.
(10:58):
Thankfully, it's just, it'sjust straight work relationship.
Yeah, you gotta leave it atwork.
Like you said, don't give anyroom for that misconstrued chat,
that misconstrued message, thatmisconstrued chat, that
misconstrued message, thatmisconstrued.
I'm not sitting around havinglunch with these people at work,
right?
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I'm glad you brought up work because, some people
have work husbands and workwives.
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
I don't prescribe to that.
I would never label someone mywork wife, okay.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Because you're my wife.
Period wife is such a importanttitle to me yes that I could
never disrespect you yes by evenputting somebody in that
category of yes my anything yes,right yes, and so I can't
imagine you would ever be likeoh yeah, that's my work husband,
unless you're talking aboutabout Sonny Jim, which even then
(11:50):
our dog you're not a big fan ofhim either.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
To say that, no, I'm not, no, that dog, that dog gets
on my nerves.
But to say that you aresomebody's office married
partner opens doors for you todo married things, not
necessarily physical.
Okay, I'm not saying you guysare sneaking away in a broom
(12:14):
closet, but what I'm saying iswhy are they, particularly your
husband or wife?
Is it because you're openingaccess to them to pour into you
or to lean on you or to dependon you or to you know, do things
that a husband or wife shouldbe doing?
You know, like, are you havingproblems at the house and then
(12:35):
you're taking that to your workwife and dumping, like that is.
That is red flags.
It's red flags.
Are you going to your workhusband because he's buying you
Dunkin' Donuts every morning andthat's why he's your husband?
That's a red flag.
You have a man giving you gifts.
That's not your husband andyour husband's cool with that,
(12:57):
your husband's cool with thatyour husband's cool with.
And somebody who's listening Ipromise you somebody out there
is listening right now andthey're like what's wrong with
that?
Saves me money.
I hear you, but at the sametime, bro, like they're getting
at your girl's heart.
You're giving them access toyour girl's heart, and the only
one that should have access toyour girl's heart is God and you
(13:17):
, because you made a vow andit's a covenant, and that
covenant should not be easilybroken over some dunky dunks.
You know what I'm saying, soit's serious, it's serious.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
That's.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
You know.
That's why, like I said, likethe, the, the boundaries that I
set in place might seem verystrict and might be like oh,
come on.
So you know, like that's that's, that's a lot, that's going
extra, but you have no idea whatsomeone else's heart intention
is.
When they're texting you lateat night, when they're sharing
these jokes with you, whenthey're giving you gifts, when
(13:51):
they're holding yourconversation and your attention
a little bit longer than yourspouse should be, it gets
dangerous and it's kind of likean unseen trap, because then
what happens when things aren'tgood at the house?
And then you're like well, thisperson makes me feel good, Well,
(14:13):
this person is easy to talk toand I know what ends up
happening.
A lot in church is girls whohave issues won't normally at
first go to other girls to talkabout issues.
They'll go to guys.
You think so they do.
They go to leaders of thechurch who are primarily men and
(14:37):
they'll talk about their issueswith men because they feel safe
around the men, because theyfeel protected by the men,
because they feel securitycoming from the man.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Even if they're married or not.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Even if they're married or not.
Here's the thing, kyle.
I don't know if you know thisand people who are listening
tell me if you guys know this,but when a woman, if there's a
single woman out there, or evenif there's a woman period and
they see a man on fire for God,there's an attraction for the
Holy Spirit that's inside thatman which will make them
(15:10):
attracted to that man.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Okay, that makes sense Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
And so, because they're attracted to the man,
they're going to want to try toget to the man.
Okay, doesn't necessarily meanthey're going to try to steal
and be a homewrecker, butthey're going to try to get some
of that man for themselves.
They might go to that man forproblems.
They might go for that man tojust pour into me, disciple me,
teach me.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
And then that kind of relationship because, oh, we're
just friends.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Oh, I'm not.
It's not against the wife, it'sagainst you.
But you have a liking to thisperson who should be very
guarded because of his stance inhis marital status.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So it leads me to two questions.
Question one, yes.
How do we take ownership of ouremotions and guard ourselves
against spreading that to thewrong direction, spreading that
energy that I want, that HolySpirit from this person, energy,
to the wrong way?
How do we do that?
How do we catch ourselves andstop ourselves from going that
(16:10):
wrong way?
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I mean I'm not a pastor, you know.
I'm sure pastors go throughthis.
I'm sure when they're speakinglike there are people getting
thrown at them and I mean thisgoes back before.
This goes for women as well.
There's a woman out there andwow, she's a proverb 31 like I
could talk to her about anything.
Like I'm sure guys will also goto women only to talk about
their problems.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Your face yeah, no, I'm thinking about that and I
like, there, I can't imaginethat like there are guys who
will go to women for emotionalsupport.
Yes, yes, well, I mean, I can,I can imagine that like, that,
like, but I can't imagine myselfgoing, but just amen so does
that come back to?
They're not getting thatemotional support at home Could
be.
They're not getting the chanceto just share.
Speaker 2 (16:55):
It could boil down to daddy and mom issues.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
You know, it depends on how far back the trauma is.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I mean and this could go into, I think about, like,
when guys share their feelings.
There's a big push for whenguys share their feelings to
their wives yes, for wives tonot just rationalize why they're
upset or to talk down why theguy is mad or get mad at him for
bringing up an issue that wastroubling him, right?
(17:22):
So I bring up, why do you makethe bet every day?
It makes me so mad and thenyou're like, and then you get
mad at me and like, without evenestablishing that my feelings
are hurt or that my you knowwhat I mean, and so then I have?
no, it's a roadblock to uscommunicating.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
So, it goes back to communication, the lack of
communication the lack ofemotional connection is causing
him to seek emotional connectionsomewhere else.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
So then he finds a friend who's there.
Oh, how are you?
How's your day?
I'm a little upset.
Well, what's going on?
You know you could tell meanything you want and the same
happens can happen for her right.
I'm thinking about this right,like guys yeah I don't want to
talk about this anymore.
I don't want to hear about yeah, you want me to make the bed
like I don't care.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Leader, like does anybody need prayer?
I need prayer, can I?
Can I talk to you a little bit?
Afterwards, yeah, I really havesome things on my chest that I
want to get off and I just wantto make sure the husband that
doesn't want to go to smallgroup you know, yeah, I mean the
wife that's like no, I'm good,I'm not going to small group
this week yeah, so so to answer,go back into the questions.
Um, how can somebody do that?
Speaker 1 (18:28):
how do we, how do we put up the?
Speaker 2 (18:30):
The first thing you want to do is never limit your
Holy Spirit in action.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
You always let that light shine.
God is doing something in you,he's doing something through you
, and the last thing you want todo is put a basket over that
light and dumb it down becauseyou are afraid that someone is
going to be attracted or drawnto it.
What you can do for your humanself, like while your Holy
(18:58):
Spirit is being activated andwhile they're preaching and
healing and encouraging andteaching and pastoring,
discipling all the things whatyou can do is you put your
boundaries in place.
You put those guardrails up andif there is a person of the
opposite sex who is like Ireally want to do this, you
immediately are like, okay, I'mgoing to get a third party to
come with me, selena, you'recoming with me.
(19:18):
You know like oh my wife and Ilet's go out to lunch with you.
Or you know, oh, my homie overhere.
You know another guy like hey,let's come and talk about it
together.
You, let's come and talk aboutit together.
You know, um, you definitelybring, if you're married, you
definitely bring the spouse.
You try to include the spouseas much as possible and you can
let them know a problem.
Like, hey, I just want to bringmy spouse into this because she
is a woman.
(19:38):
She has the female perspectivethat I never could have.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Period.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Period, and I think that it is the responsibility.
If you're going to have thatkind of authority or that
leadership role, you'redefinitely going to be putting
those things in place.
(20:03):
And if you don't have them inplace, bro, and then things just
start lingering, that is stickywater.
That's sticky water, it'strouble.
I don't care, I don't have agood phrase for it right now.
Yes, I don't, but troubledwater water sticky paper,
whatever, whatever you want tocall it sticky situation it is.
You want to keep your eye onthat leader, because they know
(20:23):
what they're responsible to doand they're not putting it in
place, and so so regardlessleader, layperson, minister,
non-minister, single, married.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
It sounds like it goes back to accountability.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Accountability, with yourself holding boundaries,
yeah, and this is not to saythat you can't have friends of
the opposite sex.
It's just we have to treat themlike brothers and sisters.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
There's a healthy way to do it.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
The DMs aren't happening.
No I think that's a bad move.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Like I said, anything that cannot be done in public
should not be done, period.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
No, I'm going to say no there.
Okay, because in public wecould chat one-on-one.
If I go chat with one of yourfriends after Sunday service,
you're not going to be like thatafter Sunday service.
You're not gonna be like that'sweird.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
No.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
But if I chat with one of your friends on my phone,
that's weird.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
That's what I said.
Anything that cannot be done inpublic cannot, should not be
done, Period.
If I see you across the halltalking to girls, but if I'm
like I'm not going to, like I'mgoing on after work with your
friend.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
That's weird.
Like chatting after work withyour friend is weird.
Chatting after work withanother lady, another dude, is
not gonna fly, it's gonna.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
It's gonna deteriorate the trust yes it's
the trust yes, it's theemotional goes back to the trust
you're lending those emotionsto someone else when you're
supposed to be focused on yourpartner and I I there are people
who are going to be like well,I'm very secure in the
relationship that I have with myhusband and they can go out and
do whatever they want because Iknow for a fact that nothing's
(21:58):
going to happen on their end.
That's cool, cool, cool, cool,cool.
You married them.
You're supposed to have thattrust.
Kudos to you.
And that trust you don't.
But you don't know them otherpeople.
You don't know the heart intentof those other people.
You didn't marry those otherpeople.
You have no idea what otherpeople are going to say and even
if the person, the friend thatyour spouse is talking to, is
cool, the rest of the world, youdon't know what they're saying.
(22:21):
You have to guard your union,protect it.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
At all costs.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
We have a special guest, this guy.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
You see what I'm talking about you see what I'm
talking about with this dog.
Oh heck no.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
He's here.
He's here for the party.
Oh heck, he's doing great.
He's got his Sonny Jim ladiesand gentlemen, sonny Jim has
entered the chat.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
Sonny Jim has entered the chat, so that is what I
have to say about it.
Um, you did have anotherquestion though.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
No, I asked that.
I asked about the.
How do you protect yourself?
How do you set up theboundaries?
Yeah, how does that happen andwhat?
And how do you set up theboundaries?
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I, I will say that if you have a friend because there
I mean it's inevitable you'regonna have friends, you're not
just gonna have girlfriends orjust guy friends you know you're
gonna have friends.
But, um, how do you keep ithealthy?
Right, you know, yep, how doyou keep it healthy?
I would say you keep thepersonal matters in group
(23:25):
settings.
Yeah, you keep the um friendlybanter and the the, you know,
sibling connection there.
That's something that you guyscan share together.
Yeah, um, you can still prayfor each other.
You know, I, I person, mycomfort level is I would pray
with a guy, but I would havekyle with me if I'm praying with
(23:49):
somebody of the opposite sex,because you are tapping into
that spiritual intimacy, and youknow I, I just it makes me feel
comfortable knowing that I amdoing that with another guy.
It doesn't have to be myhusband, just, hey, guy, come
with me, let's pray together inthis with this person.
I think, um, guarding yourheart on what you share and
(24:11):
having letting your husband orletting your wife know, like
this is what I'm comfortablewith you doing with women yeah
or you know with if my husband,you know this is what I'm
comfortable with you doing ornot doing.
And then if you see somethingand sharing that immediately,
like don't just let that slipunder the rug but share it
(24:33):
immediately, of like this is Idon't feel comfortable with this
.
You don't necessarily have tosay it's right or wrong, because
to them, in their perspective,it might be totally fine and
they might be like what's theproblem?
But if you're sharing yourfeelings, nobody can take that
away from you and you can justbe like I am not comfortable
with this, I don't feelcomfortable with this, I don't
(24:57):
feel I just this isn't cool forme.
Then, out of respect for yourspouse, you would do what it
takes to make things comfortable.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
And you put yourself in their shoes, right, like what
if this person, what if yourspouse was coming to you like
hey, you know I've been textingjoe for 17 you know days saying
that ain't cool, like why youtexting joe, why aren't you
texting me, right, you know Igot one.
One last hard question on this.
Yes, friends of the oppositesex yes and this is like extreme
(25:28):
, hypothetical but extreme.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
What would you say to a lady who came to you married
lady, okay, and she's likeSelena.
I need help.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
I got a crush on this dude and he's not my husband.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Because this is what we're trying to avoid, that's
what we're trying to do.
So what happens when it's gonetoo far?
I know I put you on the spot,but I'm just taking it in my
head.
How far?
What are we helping couplesavoid?
We're helping couples avoidthis, but someone might be there
.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
I mean, everything happens, everything flows out of
the heart.
And so if you have a crush onsomebody who's not your husband,
you're already committingadultery.
You're already doing it.
And so how do you come out ofcommitting adultery?
You repent right you confess,you repent, right, and then you
turn away from it, and so what?
(26:18):
I would tell them.
First of all, I'd be like okay,girl, let's, let's talk about
it, let's, let's see.
Where did it happen?
When did when did this start?
right and I'd be like do youfeel, do you want to change this
?
right like I'm not going to tellyou what to do if your heart's
not ready to do something youknow.
So are you ready to change this?
Like, do you want to turn awayfrom this?
(26:38):
Are we ready to confess?
Are we ready to repent?
Okay, now we've got to bringyour husband in here.
You got to tell him.
Okay, you got to tell him.
And then from there, do y'allneed counseling, because this is
a matter that you might not beable to handle on your own.
There's there's some trust thatmight be broken.
There's some reconciliationthat's going to take definitely
(26:58):
a lot more challenges to toaccomplish right you know, and
it might be something thatyou're not able to do on your
own.
It could be, but maybe you mightneed some more help, and this,
this is the time to do it now,not when it gets worse.
And then the second thing you'dhave to do is you had a prune.
Right Separation, you got aprune If you got a crush on
somebody, y'all need to go to adifferent service.
(27:19):
Y'all need to go to a differentministry, a different small
group.
You need to avoid contact withthis person.
Okay, you don't necessarilyhave to be like for the past 17
years, I had a crush on you,I've been madly in love with you
, I've been thinking about you.
You don't have to say all thatto them, but you need to cut
ties.
And if the hey, what happened?
We used to be cool.
You know, I'm just working onmyself.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
I'm just working on myself.
And then every time you get afriend with you or you got your
accountability partner with you,because you cannot be, you
cannot trust yourself to be withthis person without having
something grow from it, and soyou need to put yourself in a.
The spirit is willing.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
The flesh is weak.
So if you go back to thisperson and he triggers something
and he, oh he's so charmingthose dimples, is that me?
You're right back in the same.
Oh, come on, it's, you'reputting yourself right back in
the same position, and so youhave to prune it.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Yeah, yeah, prune it, it's, it's emotional cutting to
go, even if you're going aftersomeone who's already taken yes
you know you're.
And then you got thedisappointment of yourself,
disappointment of your feelingsnot getting met, your needs not
getting met.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
You can grow resentful for your spouse
because they're not that person.
That's a whole otherconversation.
That's a whole otherconversation that we don't have
time for today, but man.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
So it's just the.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
Friends, bro, how many of us have them?
Speaker 1 (28:47):
That's good to know.
I'll close with this.
I think that the essential isthe boundaries, yes, the respect
for the marriage.
Yes is the respect for yourselfand your partner yes to love
them the way god calls you toone-on-one, adam and eve.
Yes, you and your adam, you andyour eve, having eyes only for
(29:08):
each other, not getting, notgetting pulled to the left or
the right, and when it doeshappen or you feel that pull,
cutting it as quick as you can,including your partner in those
hard talks, in those hardconversations, and praying
through it, and the trust willstay.
(29:29):
The trust will be stronger.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Right, I mean hard times make better relationships.
It's no pressure, no diamonds,right, yeah, it's going through.
That makes it better.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
I'll leave with this thought when you get married,
two flesh become one.
You're one.
One You're one, her and me.
We're one.
If you can't be friends withone, you can't be friends with
none of us.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Yeah, if you can't receive, if you can't
acknowledge, if you can'trespect one, you can't respect
none of us.
You're not respecting none ofus.
You're not acknowledging one ofus.
You don't get to pick andchoose which one of us is your
friend or who you're going to goto.
You come to us, because we'reone man.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
It's good we're running low on time for today
and I got to go.
Let's pray for the people, forus, for our ministry.
Lord, we are grateful.
We are thankful for this time,Lord, we're thankful for the
energy to be here to share.
Lord, that your Holy Spirit hasguided us through this talk
(30:35):
today.
I pray that the couples hearingthis would be able to take it,
apply what they're hearing anduse them for growth, use it for
joy, use it for peace, use itfor Holy Spirit action in their
life.
Lord, I pray for ourrelationship, that we stay
strong, that we keep ourboundaries and guardrails up,
Lord, and I pray for thoserelationships that we stay
strong, that we keep ourboundaries and guardrails up,
Lord, and I pray for thoserelationships out there that
they would be in the same, thatthey would apply the same
(30:59):
guardrails and boundaries tokeep their marriage strong.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Amen.
Thank you guys so much fortuning in to Love by Faith and
having us back after the springbreak.
If you're listening to thispodcast, we ask that you give us
a review.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
Like share.
Subscribe review.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
If you're on YouTube, do all the things Kyle just
mentioned and come back nextweek because it's going to be
random.
We're spring cleaning.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
We're going to spring clean some more.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
We're spring cleaning everything out, and so it's
definitely a topic you won'twant to miss.
Love.
We're going to spring cleansome more.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
We're spring cleaning everything out, and so it's
definitely a topic you won'twant to miss.
Love by faith.
Y'all Sunny, any words, anywords of wisdom before we go.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
No, this dog doesn't talk.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
Okay, love by faith, y'all.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
Love by faith y'all.
We'll see you next week.
Bye, bye, you know we're goinggonna get viral because of this
dog.
I can't believe he showed up.
No, it wasn't fun I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
I don't know if he'll go viral, but he's so handsome,
everybody all everybody lovessunny gem.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
How could he not go viral?
You know why so polite.
Look, he came for you guys,look at this.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
He fits perfectly.
I get it up, the picture, I getit, but look at this dirty
beard there I have my reasonswhy this dog is she's talking
about my dog.
It's getting personal.
You ever seen John Wick?
You gotta watch that.
Why you don't mess with aperson's dog.
Bye y'all.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
This dog messes with me.
You guys just don't know it,because the cameras are on.
Wait till the cameras come off.
Then he's gonna be like oh,feed, come off.
Then he's gonna be like oh,feed me.
Oh, let me go out.
Oh, I'm running away and notlistening to you.
Oh, I'm gonna just dirty thismess over here.
We have something in common.
Run away, not listening to you,oh my gosh.
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