In this episode, Kyle and Selina discuss when self-sabotage holds your relationship back and how to press into new blessings and higher milestones courageously.
Kyle and Selina dive deep into the fears and insecurities that prevent couples from taking their relationships to the next level, exploring how self-sabotage manifests differently for men and women.
• Fear of rejection often leads to overthinking and second-guessing good relationships
• Women tend to project too far into the future, creating anxiety about making the "right" choice
• Men typically resist change when comfortable, avoiding vulnerability and deeper connection
• Self-sabotage in marriage appears as communication breakdowns, withholding vulnerability
• Creating a safe space for honest communication requires "30 seconds of insane courage."
• Recognizing that God's strength works through our weakness helps overcome relationship fears
• Vulnerability, though frightening, is the pathway to deeper intimacy and relationship growth
• Naming your feelings and scheduling specific times for difficult conversations prevents avoidance
Don't let fear hold you back from experiencing the relationship God intended for you. Take that step of vulnerability today, and watch how your relationship transforms.
🔗 LINKS TO REFERENCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE! 🔗
John Legend: "Cards on the table" ➡️ "All of Me"
Matt Damon: 30 Seconds of Insane Courage ➡️ "We Bought A Zoo"
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are you holding yourself back from a good thing?
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I don't want to get married.
What if it turns out like myparents?
Speaker 1 (00:06):
You don't take my feelings seriously because you
think that they're not real.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
What if I screw it up ?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Whatever direction we choose to go in will change
everything.
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
A relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome All by
learning how to lean on God andeach other.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
In order to help you learn how to love by faith.
Hi.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Hey, you look great today.
Thank you, it's good to be herewith you, man.
They got me today.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Who.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
The children.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Why they had me.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
I was trying to get them out the door.
I'm like you got to go toschool.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, because it's podcast day.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Just going so slow.
And I know they want to go toschool, I know they love school,
but they just get the ballrolling.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
He told me that he did not go to sleep until four
in the morning.
I said why?
He said because my bed wasmessed up and I had to fix it.
And I'm like, how did it getmessed up?
He said because I'm looking forthe remote for my fan and my
light.
And I'm thinking in my head whywere you up in the first place?
(01:41):
Why were you adjusting?
Maybe because he was cold?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
I think because he was cold.
That makes sense.
So the fan was on, he got coldBecause when he woke up he was
wearing his winter coat.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I saw that.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
So I'm like how did this happen?
So I think in hindsight nowthat I think it out loud he was
cold.
He was trying to adjust the fan.
He couldn fan.
He couldn't find the remote.
He searched everywhere, messedup his blankets and his whole
stuffy situation right and thenhe got the coat, put it on, had
to fix the whole bed, realizedit was four in the morning and
(02:12):
then he went to sleep, and sothat's why he was no bones today
but I think, I think he likefell asleep in between four in
the morning, absolutely, I meanwe both said good night to him
it's at eight o'clock and he wasdone because he was not up
through the right okay you know,usually when kids because think
about it, the kids always bugus, right?
they always, and it's alwaysbetween eight and ten, if they
cannot fall asleep, if theycan't come, if they can't fall
(02:34):
asleep by ten o'clock they'recoming to us and they're like we
can't sleep, and it's like well, what do you want us to do?
What do you want us to do?
Right, we can't sleep either.
Kid, go back to bed and let'stry to figure this out.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
So my go-to is always just pretend like you're
sleeping.
Just pretend like you'resleeping until generally, that
works till the morning comes,and then they'll.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
They'll not come back usually yeah, the big ones, yes
, yes yes, oh man, we're here topodcast, we're here for spring
cleaning yeah, um we're spring,so it's so interesting, because
I want to physically clean,spring clean, but I just keep
putting it aside and I'm like no, let's just talk about it,
let's talk about spring cleaning.
(03:17):
So today we're going to talkmore about spring cleaning and
hopefully one day the corners ofmy ceiling will get cleaned or
something.
Well, actually spring cleaning,the random cleaning that you do
during spring cleaning.
Quote unquote.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
That pile of clothes that needs to go to the
donations?
Yeah, you donate things.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Yeah, definitely All those things, air everything out
, clean the comforters, justsaying, not saying Just saying
so with spring cleaning as ourseries.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
What's the topic, Selena?
Oh, just saying so, with springcleaning as our series.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
What's the topic?
Selena?
Oh, the topic.
So, of course, if you guys arejust tuning in for the first
time, welcome.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Welcome to Love by.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Faith and we have decided to do spring cleaning as
we are cleaning out our podcastcloset.
Okay, All the cobwebs that wehave accumulated that don't
necessarily go into a particularseries, we're just going to
give them to you in this month.
So a couple weeks series.
We're just going to give themto you in this month, so a
couple weeks ago, we talkedabout friends of the opposite
sex.
And then last week we talkedabout over-criticizing your
(04:11):
partner your spouse.
And we even got feedback aboutthe dishwasher.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
The dishwasher story hit home with people.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I feel like we need to turn that into a t-shirt of
like you're not setting up thedishwasher right or something.
But this week we're going tochange the topic all over again
and we're going to talk aboutsomething that could help
serious couples.
It could help people inmarriages, it could help people
who are potentially dating andthey're trying to see if they're
the right fit for each otherand they want to go serious.
(04:38):
And the topic is are youholding yourself back from a
good thing, from a goodrelationship?
So, kyle, why did we have totalk about this particular topic
?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I think when we were doing our brainstorm session for
this, it was about people whowant a great relationship in
theory, but then, when it comestime to put the rubber to the
road, the people are doingthings that self-sabotage or are
, without even knowing, doingstuff that is blocking them or,
even with knowing, are doingsomething that is blocking them
(05:13):
from getting to thatrelationship that they want or
getting their marriage to thatnext level, to be that deep
connection that God intended itto be.
And so I always go back to thisbecause it's, it's great.
You've spent so much timetalking to women, and talking to
single women, talking tomarried women, talking to
engaged women.
What kind of things do women doI want to break this apart
(05:35):
female, male.
What kind of things do women dothat hold them back in
relationship?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
We overthink.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
We were, we're I'm going to speak, gonna speak for
myself.
Um, a really good example ofthis is when I had a crush on
you and I was waiting for you toask me out, okay, and I thought
in my head and in my heart thatI really liked you, I I wanted
to have a relationship with youand so far so good.
(06:07):
Everything was checking out.
There were no red flags that Icould see and I really wanted to
get the ball moving and tostart the process of like dating
relationship.
Let's see where this goes.
But then, when I realized thatyou finally asked me out, you
finally wanted to be myboyfriend and you made it, it
(06:31):
was verbatim.
I'm like.
I like you.
I want to be your boyfriend, Iwant to have a relationship with
you.
When I heard those truth bombs,something inside me went off
where I was like oh snap, thisis serious.
I'm not daydreaming anymore.
I can't kid around anymore.
We're not playing games.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
It's not just an innocent crush.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
It's not just an innocent crush where I could
just fantasize about it.
The fantasy is now becoming areality.
And then it struck me of likethis is real, this is a serious
thing, it's almost too serious.
And then I was like I't knowhow I gotta pray about it.
And I made you wait for a whole, another month, because I was
(07:12):
afraid that I wasn't ready forsuch a serious commitment.
Because at the time, when I wassingle, I was thinking to
myself I'm not going to justdate, just to date.
I'm tired of just going on andoff with different guys.
If I'm going to date someone,it's going to be serious,
marriage is going to be a bigtopic of conversation and
(07:34):
intention.
And so when you asked me out,all of those things kept
flooding back into my head andI'm like oh snap, is he the one?
Am I going to be married to him?
Like, are we going to have kids?
Like, is this going to be it?
And, mind you, we weren't evendating, but my mind was already
in the future of like, am Igoing to grow old with this guy?
(07:54):
And then I started to pictureyou old and I'm like do I want
to look at him every single day?
Old?
Like, is he going to age likeGeorge Clooney?
I don't know, you know.
Like do I want to do.
I want to be there for that,you know.
And I started to overthink andI started to second guess just
the moment that it was, andinstead I wanted this.
(08:14):
I wanted to get the security ofthe future before I committed
to the present.
And that's really hard becauseyou can't really do that.
You know, who can do thatbesides God?
That's really hard, because youcan't really do that.
Who can do that besides God?
And so I was freaking outinternally because I was just
like I don't know, this mightnot be it.
And it wasn't until my cousin,who was my maid of honor she's
(08:34):
one of my best friends.
At this point, she tells meSelena, there's a story, you all
know it, you might know it aswell.
The guy falls off the boat,sinking in the water.
Help me, help me, me.
A dude comes by with the boathere I'm here to help.
He's like no thanks, I'mwaiting for the lord to save me.
Help me, lord, save me, saveanother guy in a boat.
Come on, let's go.
No thanks, I'm waiting for thelord to save me.
(08:55):
And then he finally, like endsup drowning because he passed
all the people by.
He goes to god.
God's like dude, why didn't youget in the boat, like I sent
you three boats Like get on theboat dummy, you know.
And so she basically said thatto me.
She was like get on the boatdummy.
And I was like he is the rightguy, he is the guy I've been
praying for.
This is the relationship I'vebeen praying for, this is the
(09:16):
moment that I've been prayingfor, this is the thing I've been
longing for.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
It's so good.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
But my fear was stopping me and I almost lost it
.
I almost self-sabotaged it andI would have not had any of this
.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Right Any of this.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
This glorious basement.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
This glorious podcast .
Speaker 1 (09:33):
This glorious podcast , these glorious children who
make us wait hours and hours fortheir tiny feet to move along.
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
So dissecting what you were saying, because I think
you hit all of it in an awesomeway.
You had fear yes, fear ofeverything.
Future rejection yes.
Failure Fear yeah, you hadanxiety.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Worrying about.
Would this be the right choice?
What if this doesn't work?
Speaker 1 (09:59):
What if?
What if yes, what if blank?
What if?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
What if?
How is he going to age?
All this, yes, and that soundedlike it got into anxiety about
how is this going to go?
What if I'm not enough?
And then all that worry, andthen he talked about wondering
what the future would be like,which is lack of faith, it's
(10:23):
insecurity.
Yeah, and lack of faith.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, yeah, lack of faith, insecurity, yeah, and
lack of faith because you know,yeah, yeah, yeah and so fear,
anxiety, uh, faith, worry areall things that hold us back.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Hold us back in having these awesome fulfilling
relationships that we've come toenjoy and embrace, and I think
the same thing happens.
It happens for guys too.
We get worried about well, whatif I screw it up?
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
What if I don't want to get?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
married what?
Speaker 2 (10:49):
if it turns out like my parents Right, and I don't
want to ask her out because wehave a great thing going- I
don't want to take this toanother level.
This is a great friendship, sothe guy ends up holding himself
back from all the blessings thatare in there that are on the
other side of that door.
And the same thing I mean onceyou're engaged and then it's
(11:09):
like oh man, I don't want toplan this wedding I got to stand
up in front of a bunch ofpeople.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I got to spend a bunch of money.
There are so many people I haveheard in this season, like in
this today's time, that openlytalk about that, how the anxiety
of being this figure in frontof people, this spectacle in
front of this they don't wantthat and so that's what stops
them from getting married, whichis crazy to me, because it's
(11:36):
like you can control yourwedding.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Right, you don't want 200 people, don't have 200
people.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Go away somewhere, go buy a house Right?
Speaker 2 (11:44):
You and your partner go get married.
Have it go get married.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Have it your way have it your way, burger king style.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Bk that wedding guys as long as it's between you and
your partner and the lord, it'sgonna be blessed it's a sacred
union.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Yes, I don't, uncle tony doesn't have to be there,
nobody cares you know, if Icould go back and do it all over
again, I, I would do itdifferent, really, I would.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Oh man, don't tell me that I'm just kidding, but I
tried to talk you out of the bigwedding a couple times, you
never know.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Until you know, you think your whole life you want
something, but hindsight isalways 20-20 and you think you
want to do it back.
But I say all that to say thatyou know we didn't allow the
things to stop us then.
Right, and so now we are nowblessed to have the insight of
looking back and seeing it froma different lens, amen.
(12:33):
And if you never go forward,you're never going to receive
that blessing of the wisdom tosee that and to learn and to
grow from it.
I think it's so interestingwhat you said about how guys
stop the progression of arelationship because they are
fearful we wanted to.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Just this is great, right here.
Why do we need to move anywhere?
Speaker 1 (12:50):
this is, this is great whereas the woman, I
believe, is we are saying whydon't you?
If it is so good now, how muchbetter could it be in the future
?
Speaker 2 (12:59):
like we're already in the future that's where the
fear and lack of we're sofuture-minded about when it
comes to a good thing that it'sjust, and then you guys are
stuck.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
This works.
I mean, the same thing happenswith wanting kids.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
If you're married and you're newlywed and you're like
I don't know, we're able totravel, we're able to do things.
Once we have kids, we see whatour friends go through, we see
the.
If you have the desire, if theLord put it in your heart.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Fear, faith worry.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Insecurity.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
It's all those, it's the same.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Four things Four or five things Over and over, and
over and over in every singleseason.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Holding you back, stopping you getting in your way
.
Roadblocks, they're just to me.
They're stumbling blocks right,got to get rid of them, right
yeah, they're stumbling blocks,right, got to get rid of them,
right yeah, but it's not thateasy no.
Because they're real lifethings.
It's like this is a really hardhurdle to overcome.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Absolutely.
And I mean we're talking again.
We're talking about timelinesand progression of relationships
, but these roadblocks can alsobe internal as well.
Can also be internal as well.
You know, if a man is verystubborn in his ways or if a
woman overspends, you know ifthere's something that's within
(14:19):
the relationship where you'relike we need to, we cannot move
forward.
We can't move any further untilwe get out of debt.
And the only way we're going toget out of debt is if you stop
spending or you manage but youknow what I mean or vice versa.
Like dude, we are constantlybumping heads because you're
stubborn and you just won'taccept that sometimes you're
wrong or sometimes you canchange and be different, and so
(14:40):
we get in our way.
We get in the way of peace, ofbreakthrough, of growth, of
development, of a long-lastingmarriage.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
That's real, yeah, okay.
Growth of development of a longlasting marriage that's real,
yeah, okay, we're talking kindof big picture individual, him
and her before the marriage.
So what does this look likewhen we're already married?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
so what does it look like in marriage?
Yeah when you have theroadblocks what's holding you
back?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
yeah, how are people holding themselves back in
marriage?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
all the things the same, the same row box.
I think they're all the sameand different.
You know, like I said, likewhen you want to have children,
when you want to have yourfinances, when you guys get into
a fight and you refuse to likeface the conflict and then
repent of the conflict, like goin a different direction in this
so that you don't have theconflict again.
You know when one is toostubborn, when one doesn't
(15:33):
listen.
You know all the things.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I think about from a guy's perspective.
Guys will tend to shut down aconversation that they're afraid
of.
We'll shut, I'm not talkingabout that.
We're not going to.
This is over.
This is this.
This, this conversation is donewhen it's not solved.
And you're you're the guy issabotaging that marriage from
growing, sabotaging that youknow.
(15:57):
Jesus used the picture of thevine sabotaging that vine from
getting stronger and graspingbetter well, girls do that too.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
They just don't make it so firm, it's just a silent
treatment and they just won'ttalk.
But it's so crazy, okay.
So I love reading, like rom-comnovels okay, okay, it's just
it's a nice leisure pastime.
I don't have to think too muchabout it.
You know it's very predictable.
I love reading these things andthey're oh, they always drive
(16:25):
me.
I just want to smack thecharacter, because they claim
how angry they are at theirperson okay, and they are just
so livid with them and theydon't want to talk to them.
And then they just are twoships passing by, but then, in
like, as you're reading aboutthe character, she's like just
turn around and hug me.
(16:46):
Or like she's thinking aboutthese things, like just turn
around and hug me.
Or I wish you could just pull meclose and just look me in the
eyes and tell me that we messedup.
And like Ninja, why don't yousay it too?
What's stopping you from doingthe same thing?
And so it's almost like and Ican relate to this because I
used to do this is I would getmad and I would expect for you
(17:07):
to come and save the day, likebe the hero and do the romantic
gesture to whisk me off my feetand admit that things were wrong
, and admit that we said somehard things to each other and
apologize, and just have thisromanticized apology of let's
work it out, let's figure it outas if that is going to make it
(17:29):
all better.
Work it out, let's figure itout as if that is going to make
it all better.
But then you're holding a cardand you're not responding and
you're very angry and short andyou're expecting them to just
come out and bust through allthose walls to get to that point
.
That's self-sabotage.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Vulnerability and lack of it, Lack of the man.
Being able to say this is ahard topic for me.
I don't want to talk about thisbecause it makes me feel
insecure that I don't makeenough money.
It makes me feel insecure thatI'm not going to be able to
satisfy you.
It makes me feel insecurebecause I don't know if I can
raise kids.
I don't know if I have thepatience for that.
I don't want to skip going tothe gym and being able to say
(18:09):
that out loud to your partnerand be vulnerable enough to
accept whatever their responseis to your vulnerability.
That's the fear that I hear inthat story.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
And, as you said, this, it makes me realize that
people, both men and women, wedo it all the same, both men and
women, we do it all the same.
We withhold our vulnerabilitybecause we don't believe in the
unconditional love that thespouse is supposed to give to
one another.
We don't believe that we are ina safe space where we can be
(18:43):
that open and it would bewell-received until people hold
it back.
I don't believe that there are.
I don't believe that everysingle married couple out there
is as vulnerable and astransparent as they should be,
because they fear the reactionor the response on the other end
.
They don't believe that they'rein a safe space where they
(19:06):
would be loved no matter howthey feel, no matter what they
think, and that it would be in aloving environment that they
could openly talk about thosethings.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
And so many times I see from guys is that there's
scar tissue there fromattempting to be vulnerable and
getting shot down or gettingrejected or getting told to just
deal with it.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Yeah, same, I mean women.
We have our monthly feelings.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
And so so many guys can take that and they're just
like oh, she's just in hermonthly thing, she's just
feeling her thing, she's alwaysin her feels, and so that keeps
women guarded, because we'relike you don't take my feelings
seriously because you think thatthey're not real, you think
that they're just made upbecause of a hormone thing.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
So it's yeah, it's absolutely, because from a guy's
perspective, a couple dayslater it's a whole different
lady, yeah, and it's just likedo I take which?
I have to take the whole ladyseriously, yeah, every time,
every day.
Take the whole lady seriously,yeah, every time, every day.
(20:17):
But when I've been, I don't wantto say conditioned, but I've
experienced that if I just waittwo or three days, this is gonna
work itself out which is whyit's so important that all men
should understand their cycle oftheir woman but at the same
time, in that moment, notwaiting two or three days, I
can't just say it's just yourtime of the month, leave me
alone no three days, becausethat's rejection and such
(20:39):
hurtful way to talk to your,your wife, yeah, and so what it
sounds like selfishness holdspeople back too, because a she
wants.
She's so selfish, she wants toget this point out, whether it
hurts his feelings or not rightor b.
He's so selfish that he's justlike I'm just gonna wait till
this is better for me and when Iwant to talk about this, and
(21:02):
that selfishness holds thatrelationship back from growing
to that understanding where heunderstands her feelings,
regardless of what time it is ofthe month, and she understands
his feelings and his ego,because we all have egos
understands how to work with hisego to not sabotage the
relationship and, and her beingself-aware, to say, hey, wait a
(21:26):
second yeah am I really angryabout this or am I letting my
emotions get the best of me?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Self-awareness.
Yeah, I think it's alsoimportant for women to
understand.
You know, it's like aself-sabotage.
And a self-sabotage because, asyou said before, men have
trouble being that vulnerablebecause they won't get a good
response, because they aresupposed to be the strong one,
they're supposed to be theprotector, the provider.
(21:53):
And sometimes elevating arelationship, taking it to the
next level, going into a newseason, causes fear in that man,
and so they want to expressthat fear.
But it's hard to express thefear because it's not going to
be received, and so I thinkthat's a self-sabotage in the
man.
But then for the woman, you haveto be willing to hear your man
(22:14):
be vulnerable and share weakness, without attaching that fantasy
future that I mentioned at thevery beginning to the man.
Okay, because what's happeningis we're attaching, we're
putting all our coins and allour eggs into the man, into the
husband, into the outcome of therelationship based on his
(22:36):
leadership, based on hisstrength, based on his wisdom,
based on his intention to see itsucceed.
And so when you guys feel thefear and you guys feel the
weakness, then all of a suddenwe feel like whoa, whoa, whoa,
this isn't what you vowed to do.
You're breaking your end of thebargain.
I don't want to receive that, Ireject that, and so it becomes
(22:59):
a self-sabotage in itself.
We are all forgetting in thisseason.
We're all forgetting that noneof us have it all together and
that none of us are strongenough to endure those things,
and then none of us can provideall the needs that we both need
to go into these other toprogress the relationship and to
(23:21):
make it grow and to make itflourish.
We all need to rely on Christright, because it's in our
weakness that he is made strong.
And so if we are not welcomingthat weakness, whether from a
woman or from the man, if we'renot welcoming that weakness,
then how can Christ's strengthever cover that situation to the
(23:42):
fullest?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
And so we have to get comfortable being vulnerable
and being weak and opening thosedoors and sharing the feelings
and sharing why we feel like wehave to sabotage this thing so
that we, by doing that, we'realso inviting Christ into the
situation and we're trusting inHis strength and we're trusting
(24:08):
in His grace and we're trustingin his fullness, so that we can
get over it together.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Amen, amen.
That vulnerability will lead tohealing.
Exposing those cracks will leadto repair.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
So taking it all the way back.
You know there's a guy who hasa great friendship with a girl.
The girl really likes the guywants to.
Where is this going?
I don't know where this isgoing.
You never talk about where it'sgoing.
I want it to go somewhere.
Or it's not, you know, or I'mgoing somewhere.
You know, like what's happeninghere.
If they're in a situation likethat and they both want the
(24:42):
relationship to become exclusivebut they're both afraid of what
could happen to that, or evenif you're already dating and you
want to get married but you're,you're good where you're at,
you don't want to break it right, how can people take the
presence of God in theirrelationship to get past that
(25:03):
fear?
What could they do or whatcould be said to help them get
past that fear?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I love when this is going on, when we have a
conflict like this.
I love your ability to justname what you're going through.
I'm feeling really blank, I'mfeeling really self-conscious
about this, I'm feeling reallyinsecure about this, and so
there's going to be a challengeto talk about.
I'm feeling really selfishright now and I don't want to
(25:30):
hear any of your solutions.
I'm feeling really right nowand I don't want to hear any of
your solutions.
I'm feeling really, and so Ithink that really digging into
what is going on, to say, hey,wait, I'm feeling this, selena,
and so I need you to do this, toleave me alone, to sit here and
just hear me out for a second,to sit here and not talk and
make faces while I pour my heartout to you.
(25:51):
Yeah Right, I need to.
I need to really be vulnerablewith you.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Those that's that, for me, has been a huge success
in getting through these kind oftroubles, getting through
self-sabotage, getting throughholding ourselves back.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
How about you so being open, being self-aware of
what you're feeling and thenhaving the safe space to openly
talk about what you're feeling?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
And sometimes that is knowing hey, I'm not ready to
talk about this right now.
I'm going to come back to youin so much amount of time.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
And say hey or say hey, let's talk about this on
Sunday, when I know we havenothing going on and I'm not
stressed, and it's not nineo'clock at night, after I just
spent an hour putting the kidsto bed.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Yes, because sometimes people will say now
it's not a good time to talk,but then so many other things
start happening.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
It ends up never being a good time to talk.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
And then it's never a good time to talk and it's just
like you are full of it At thispoint.
You're just full of it becausenow you're just running from the
whole thing.
So, yes, having a hard momentin time in the future, of like
we're gonna talk about this atthis point, right the end, no
(27:08):
matter what, you know, I thinkthat's very good.
Something that I used to dookay, something that I still do
is there was a song I think itwas by john legend, I'm pretty
sure where he basically said,like um, laying all the cards on
the, on, laying out all mycards for you know on the table,
or something like that.
(27:28):
I gotta look it up anyways, no,I don't, but I'll trust you I
think it's this Time, so anyways, I'll link it for you guys to
listen to.
But anyways, the song alwaysmade me feel like I'm putting
all my cards on the table.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
And so every time I come to a point where we have a
hard talk, like this or there'sa pivot in the relationship
where I know things are going tochange, and I know that
whatever direction we choose togo in will change everything
from that moment on, whetherit's engaged, marriage, children
(28:03):
, buying a house, these hardthings that are just going to
change everything New job, newjob.
It's going to change everything, and we both know it.
And so when I'm in these kindsof situations, I think of the
vision of me.
I'm just going to lay all mycards out.
I'm just going to lay all mycards out.
(28:23):
You see where I'm at.
And when I do that, I have thistiny 30 seconds of insane
courage, you know, going back,going back to Matt Damon.
30 seconds of insane couragewhere I'm just going to put it
all out there and I'm just goingto show you where I'm at, and
(28:43):
I'm going to be completelytransparent and I have no idea
how that's going to go.
But the Lord taught me that thetruth sets me free, and so I'm
going to be as truthful and ashonest as possible.
I'm going to hold nothing back.
You can take it or leave it.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Perfect.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
And if you leave it, then at least I know I did
everything in my power to be ascompletely open and transparent
with you as possible and movingforward, I got nothing to lose.
That's kind of my mindset whenI enter these things, that's
kind of-.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
That takes a ton of courage.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
It's the 30 seconds of insane courage.
It's not the courage to climbup a mountain, it's the courage
to jump off a cliff.
I'm running and I jump off acliff.
I have enough courage to dothat.
I might not have the courage toclimb the mountain, but I got
the courage to just run and jumpand not think any more about it
.
So I run and jump, I show youmy cards, this is where I'm at
(29:38):
and then I wait, and usuallyit's met with an equal sense of
vulnerability, it's met withgrace, it's met with God's
strength, and the strength getsme through the mountain together
with you, and so that's what Ido.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
it's great, that's what I would.
I appreciate that and that waswhat I would tell a guy guys too
to do yeah go and say what you,what's going?
Speaker 1 (30:05):
on in your heart.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Have that one jump do it, yes, and then watch the
blessings flow, watch theconnection grow, watch the
vulnerability be reciprocatedfrom your partner.
And it grows and it builds.
And next time it's a littleeasier and it's easier to get
deeper and it's easier to bemore vulnerable and it's easier
for your relationship to grow.
(30:27):
It's like fertilizer, it's likesteroids.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
And when you're running and you're jumping off
the cliff, you're not thinkingabout what's other people going
to say what about this, whatabout that?
You're not overthinkinganything.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
It's just you and God .
Speaker 1 (30:41):
You're just literally running and jumping, yeah, and
I don't know if you've everjumped into a waterfall before.
You're a diver, so you jump offthe diving board, but it's that
kind of feeling where you justyou're.
You're either going to do it oryou're not yeah and if you're
going to do it, you're going torun and you're going to jump.
There's no jolting back,there's nothing like that, and
(31:03):
so you just do it.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
There's an old quote if, if the fear, if your fear of
the dive is greater than yourfear to oh man, I gotta say it
right if your fear of of doingthe dive is greater than your
desire to want to complete thedive, then you got to pick a
different sport say it again ifyour fear of doing the dive is
(31:26):
greater than your fear ofwanting to complete the dive,
then you.
It's time for a different sportyeah, yeah if you're afraid to
jump, if you're afraid to try it, you got to go.
It's either, you know, do it ordon't do it, or really don't
yeah and that's the same withbeing vulnerable just do it,
just do it, and and let watchthe blessings flow yeah, amen so
(31:49):
good that is good.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
I think it's a good bow to tie on today's episode we
have spring cleaned that topicyes, yes, and so guys, we're out
there.
Um, we encourage you.
Don't hold yourself back.
Don't hold the relationshipback.
You might be staring at the oneevery single day, or, as you
guys are dating, that might bethe one.
(32:10):
And you don't have to thinkabout the future too far into
you know, old age.
You don't have to think aboutthe future too far into old age.
You don't have to think aboutthe next seasons to come.
All you have to do is thinkabout is it good now?
Is God blessing it now?
Is there peace now?
Then have the courage towelcome and embrace that peace.
Have the courage to take thatpeace and let God multiply it so
(32:33):
that you can see what happensin the future as long as Christ
is in the middle, giving you thestrength to overcome those
things.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
I'm sure there's other topics, other examples.
I'm sure there's other examplesthat you guys have of how you
want to be vulnerable or howyou're holding your relationship
back or how you see yourpartner holding your
relationship back.
Let's chat about it.
Drop a comment, let's hearabout it.
Shoot us a message.
We're available.
We want to hear from you guys.
We love hearing the feedback,we love talking to our listeners
(33:01):
and we're grateful for you, man.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
We're grateful for you being here.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
We could see it in the likes, in the shares, in the
comments, in the five-starreviews on all the platforms.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
You want to know something tell me we had a
holding back moment with thispodcast wow in the beginning,
you know, and in the very I.
I wanted to have a podcast foryears oh I wanted you to join me
for years.
I wouldn't.
I wouldn't have a co-host, noother co-host could.
Could do what I wanted to dookay what I felt in my heart
(33:32):
needed to happen, other than you.
And so we waited for you and wehad a life-changing talk of
like if we do this, it's goingto change things, because we're
not just going to do it for aseason and we're going to be
done.
We're going to do it until Godtells us that we're done.
And here we are, our 70thepisode.
(33:54):
Right, we've been doing this 70times, meeting with you guys,
having these coffee chats withyou guys, ministering to the
world, whoever needs to hear it,hoping that we're bringing you
closer to God, hoping that we'rebringing what God brought
together closer so thatmultiplication and blessings can
come out of that.
That multiplication andblessings can come out of that.
(34:16):
Yes, and you know, it took ussome insane courage and it took
a lot of vulnerability to say,okay, we're going to just do it
and we'll figure it out as we go, and God's going to provide the
rest of the way.
And so this is a what is itcalled?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
An example of us getting out of our own way?
Yes, and not holding ourselvesback.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Yes, yes, and not holding ourselves back.
Yes, yes, it's not easy, but itdoes require some courage, and
we both believe that each of youguys can possess a tiny little
bit of that courage to help youget the rest of the way.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
So thank you guys for watching.
Let's go ahead and pray, do you?
Want to pray today.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
I will be glad to Lord.
We are grateful for this time.
Lord, we just lift up all thecouples here, listening at the
sound of our voice.
We pray that they would havefaith, lord, that they would
have boldness to see and havevision for the relationship you
want them to have.
Lord, see and have vision forthe relationship you want them
(35:19):
to have.
Lord, I pray that the ladieswould not operate out of anxiety
, but they would operate out offaith, out of courage.
I pray that the men would standin boldness and stand with
braveness and stand to be theleader that God has called them
to be.
Lord, we are grateful for thistime.
We're grateful for everyone whois invested here to grow
themselves and to grow theirrelationships.
Lord, we pray that all of ourlisteners would get out of their
(35:42):
own way in their relationshipand watch it grow and flourish
and be fruitful.
We give you glory, god, for allof it, in Jesus's name Amen.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Amen.
Thank you guys so much forlistening and watching.
If you're on YouTube, be sureto like, share and subscribe.
If you're on a podcast Apple,spotify, iheartradio, all of the
other ones please make surethat you write a review so that
other people like you can get tolearn how to love by faith as
well.
And five stars is just fine.
If you just want to tap it andmove on.
(36:12):
We will greatly appreciate thatas well.
Be sure to catch us next weekwith another episode.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Definitely next week.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
And we hope you love by faith.
Yay, see you next week.
Bye.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
That was great.
We a good job.
What's holding you back?
Jubilee holds herself back.
Really, I don't want to go toschool that she's at school.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
She's like I don't want to leave.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
I don't want to leave .
Is that how it goes?
Yes gotta let it go, gotta getin there and just just gotta do
it embrace it every singlemorning.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
I don't want to go to school.
I don't like school, I don'tlike my teachers, I don't like
these clothes, I don't like thisbreakfast.
And as soon as she's there, bye, mom, yep bye.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
Ran away from me so fast today when she was there
bye.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I think it's just she doesn't want to get out of her
bed.
She takes after her mother.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
We just don't want to get out of her bed.
She takes after her mother.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
We just don't want to get out of bed.
Once we're out of bed, okay,we'll do the things.
I wasn't going to throw youunder the bus like that.
No, I am a gradual riser.
Okay, don't say good morning,say gradual morning, selena,
gradual morning, because ittakes me so much time to like
actually get into the morning ofthings start with like meh
(37:40):
morning Selina meh morning okay,morning roll around morning
Selina, gradual.
Good morning, great morning,grand rising.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
Oh man, we've reached that time of the week, kyle's
got to go everyone Good day.
See you guys next time.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Good day to you.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
Appreciate y'all for being here.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
Love, by faith, y'all Love by faith, y'all Bye.
Are you holding yourself back from a good thing?
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I don't want to get married.
What if it turns out like myparents?
Speaker 1 (00:06):
You don't take my feelings seriously because you
think that they're not real.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
What if I screw it up ?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Whatever direction we choose to go in will change
everything.
We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
By any means.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to
build a friendship.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
A relationship.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
With a Keeping it Real style.
We're going to talk to youabout everything everything that
we've been through are goingthrough and have overcome All by
learning how to lean on God andeach other.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
In order to help you learn how to love by faith.
Hi.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Hey, you look great today.
Thank you, it's good to be herewith you, man.
They got me today.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Who.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
The children.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Why they had me.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
I was trying to get them out the door.
I'm like you got to go toschool.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, because it's podcast day.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Just going so slow.
And I know they want to go toschool, I know they love school,
but they just get the ballrolling.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
He told me that he did not go to sleep until four
in the morning.
I said why?
He said because my bed wasmessed up and I had to fix it.
And I'm like, how did it getmessed up?
He said because I'm looking forthe remote for my fan and my
light.
And I'm thinking in my head whywere you up in the first place?
(01:41):
Why were you adjusting?
Maybe because he was cold?
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
I think because he was cold.
That makes sense.
So the fan was on, he got coldBecause when he woke up he was
wearing his winter coat.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I saw that.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
So I'm like how did this happen?
So I think in hindsight nowthat I think it out loud he was
cold.
He was trying to adjust the fan.
He couldn fan.
He couldn't find the remote.
He searched everywhere, messedup his blankets and his whole
stuffy situation right and thenhe got the coat, put it on, had
to fix the whole bed, realizedit was four in the morning and
(02:12):
then he went to sleep, and sothat's why he was no bones today
but I think, I think he likefell asleep in between four in
the morning, absolutely, I meanwe both said good night to him
it's at eight o'clock and he wasdone because he was not up
through the right okay you know,usually when kids because think
about it, the kids always bugus, right?
they always, and it's alwaysbetween eight and ten, if they
cannot fall asleep, if theycan't come, if they can't fall
(02:34):
asleep by ten o'clock they'recoming to us and they're like we
can't sleep, and it's like well, what do you want us to do?
What do you want us to do?
Right, we can't sleep either.
Kid, go back to bed and let'stry to figure this out.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
So my go-to is always just pretend like you're
sleeping.
Just pretend like you'resleeping until generally, that
works till the morning comes,and then they'll.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
They'll not come back usually yeah, the big ones, yes
, yes yes, oh man, we're here topodcast, we're here for spring
cleaning yeah, um we're spring,so it's so interesting, because
I want to physically clean,spring clean, but I just keep
putting it aside and I'm like no, let's just talk about it,
let's talk about spring cleaning.
(03:17):
So today we're going to talkmore about spring cleaning and
hopefully one day the corners ofmy ceiling will get cleaned or
something.
Well, actually spring cleaning,the random cleaning that you do
during spring cleaning.
Quote unquote.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
That pile of clothes that needs to go to the
donations?
Yeah, you donate things.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Yeah, definitely All those things, air everything out
, clean the comforters, justsaying, not saying Just saying
so with spring cleaning as ourseries.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
What's the topic, Selena?
Oh, just saying so, with springcleaning as our series.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
What's the topic?
Selena?
Oh, the topic.
So, of course, if you guys arejust tuning in for the first
time, welcome.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Welcome to Love by.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Faith and we have decided to do spring cleaning as
we are cleaning out our podcastcloset.
Okay, All the cobwebs that wehave accumulated that don't
necessarily go into a particularseries, we're just going to
give them to you in this month.
So a couple weeks series.
We're just going to give themto you in this month, so a
couple weeks ago, we talkedabout friends of the opposite
sex.
And then last week we talkedabout over-criticizing your
(04:11):
partner your spouse.
And we even got feedback aboutthe dishwasher.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
The dishwasher story hit home with people.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I feel like we need to turn that into a t-shirt of
like you're not setting up thedishwasher right or something.
But this week we're going tochange the topic all over again
and we're going to talk aboutsomething that could help
serious couples.
It could help people inmarriages, it could help people
who are potentially dating andthey're trying to see if they're
the right fit for each otherand they want to go serious.
(04:38):
And the topic is are youholding yourself back from a
good thing, from a goodrelationship?
So, kyle, why did we have totalk about this particular topic
?
Speaker 2 (04:50):
I think when we were doing our brainstorm session for
this, it was about people whowant a great relationship in
theory, but then, when it comestime to put the rubber to the
road, the people are doingthings that self-sabotage or are
, without even knowing, doingstuff that is blocking them or,
even with knowing, are doingsomething that is blocking them
(05:13):
from getting to thatrelationship that they want or
getting their marriage to thatnext level, to be that deep
connection that God intended itto be.
And so I always go back to thisbecause it's, it's great.
You've spent so much timetalking to women, and talking to
single women, talking tomarried women, talking to
engaged women.
What kind of things do women doI want to break this apart
(05:35):
female, male.
What kind of things do women dothat hold them back in
relationship?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
We overthink.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
We were, we're I'm going to speak, gonna speak for
myself.
Um, a really good example ofthis is when I had a crush on
you and I was waiting for you toask me out, okay, and I thought
in my head and in my heart thatI really liked you, I I wanted
to have a relationship with youand so far so good.
(06:07):
Everything was checking out.
There were no red flags that Icould see and I really wanted to
get the ball moving and tostart the process of like dating
relationship.
Let's see where this goes.
But then, when I realized thatyou finally asked me out, you
finally wanted to be myboyfriend and you made it, it
(06:31):
was verbatim.
I'm like.
I like you.
I want to be your boyfriend, Iwant to have a relationship with
you.
When I heard those truth bombs,something inside me went off
where I was like oh snap, thisis serious.
I'm not daydreaming anymore.
I can't kid around anymore.
We're not playing games.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
It's not just an innocent crush.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
It's not just an innocent crush where I could
just fantasize about it.
The fantasy is now becoming areality.
And then it struck me of likethis is real, this is a serious
thing, it's almost too serious.
And then I was like I't knowhow I gotta pray about it.
And I made you wait for a whole, another month, because I was
(07:12):
afraid that I wasn't ready forsuch a serious commitment.
Because at the time, when I wassingle, I was thinking to
myself I'm not going to justdate, just to date.
I'm tired of just going on andoff with different guys.
If I'm going to date someone,it's going to be serious,
marriage is going to be a bigtopic of conversation and
(07:34):
intention.
And so when you asked me out,all of those things kept
flooding back into my head andI'm like oh snap, is he the one?
Am I going to be married to him?
Like, are we going to have kids?
Like, is this going to be it?
And, mind you, we weren't evendating, but my mind was already
in the future of like, am Igoing to grow old with this guy?
(07:54):
And then I started to pictureyou old and I'm like do I want
to look at him every single day?
Old?
Like, is he going to age likeGeorge Clooney?
I don't know, you know.
Like do I want to do.
I want to be there for that,you know.
And I started to overthink andI started to second guess just
the moment that it was, andinstead I wanted this.
(08:14):
I wanted to get the security ofthe future before I committed
to the present.
And that's really hard becauseyou can't really do that.
You know, who can do thatbesides God?
That's really hard, because youcan't really do that.
Who can do that besides God?
And so I was freaking outinternally because I was just
like I don't know, this mightnot be it.
And it wasn't until my cousin,who was my maid of honor she's
(08:34):
one of my best friends.
At this point, she tells meSelena, there's a story, you all
know it, you might know it aswell.
The guy falls off the boat,sinking in the water.
Help me, help me, me.
A dude comes by with the boathere I'm here to help.
He's like no thanks, I'mwaiting for the lord to save me.
Help me, lord, save me, saveanother guy in a boat.
Come on, let's go.
No thanks, I'm waiting for thelord to save me.
(08:55):
And then he finally, like endsup drowning because he passed
all the people by.
He goes to god.
God's like dude, why didn't youget in the boat, like I sent
you three boats Like get on theboat dummy, you know.
And so she basically said thatto me.
She was like get on the boatdummy.
And I was like he is the rightguy, he is the guy I've been
praying for.
This is the relationship I'vebeen praying for, this is the
(09:16):
moment that I've been prayingfor, this is the thing I've been
longing for.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
It's so good.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
But my fear was stopping me and I almost lost it
.
I almost self-sabotaged it andI would have not had any of this
.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Right Any of this.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
This glorious basement.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
This glorious podcast .
Speaker 1 (09:33):
This glorious podcast , these glorious children who
make us wait hours and hours fortheir tiny feet to move along.
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
So dissecting what you were saying, because I think
you hit all of it in an awesomeway.
You had fear yes, fear ofeverything.
Future rejection yes.
Failure Fear yeah, you hadanxiety.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Worrying about.
Would this be the right choice?
What if this doesn't work?
Speaker 1 (09:59):
What if?
What if yes, what if blank?
What if?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
What if?
How is he going to age?
All this, yes, and that soundedlike it got into anxiety about
how is this going to go?
What if I'm not enough?
And then all that worry, andthen he talked about wondering
what the future would be like,which is lack of faith, it's
(10:23):
insecurity.
Yeah, and lack of faith.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, yeah, lack of faith, insecurity, yeah, and
lack of faith because you know,yeah, yeah, yeah and so fear,
anxiety, uh, faith, worry areall things that hold us back.
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Hold us back in having these awesome fulfilling
relationships that we've come toenjoy and embrace, and I think
the same thing happens.
It happens for guys too.
We get worried about well, whatif I screw it up?
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
What if I don't want to get?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
married what?
Speaker 2 (10:49):
if it turns out like my parents Right, and I don't
want to ask her out because wehave a great thing going- I
don't want to take this toanother level.
This is a great friendship, sothe guy ends up holding himself
back from all the blessings thatare in there that are on the
other side of that door.
And the same thing I mean onceyou're engaged and then it's
(11:09):
like oh man, I don't want toplan this wedding I got to stand
up in front of a bunch ofpeople.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I got to spend a bunch of money.
There are so many people I haveheard in this season, like in
this today's time, that openlytalk about that, how the anxiety
of being this figure in frontof people, this spectacle in
front of this they don't wantthat and so that's what stops
them from getting married, whichis crazy to me, because it's
(11:36):
like you can control yourwedding.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Right, you don't want 200 people, don't have 200
people.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Go away somewhere, go buy a house Right?
Speaker 2 (11:44):
You and your partner go get married.
Have it go get married.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Have it your way have it your way, burger king style.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Bk that wedding guys as long as it's between you and
your partner and the lord, it'sgonna be blessed it's a sacred
union.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Yes, I don't, uncle tony doesn't have to be there,
nobody cares you know, if Icould go back and do it all over
again, I, I would do itdifferent, really, I would.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Oh man, don't tell me that I'm just kidding, but I
tried to talk you out of the bigwedding a couple times, you
never know.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Until you know, you think your whole life you want
something, but hindsight isalways 20-20 and you think you
want to do it back.
But I say all that to say thatyou know we didn't allow the
things to stop us then.
Right, and so now we are nowblessed to have the insight of
looking back and seeing it froma different lens, amen.
(12:33):
And if you never go forward,you're never going to receive
that blessing of the wisdom tosee that and to learn and to
grow from it.
I think it's so interestingwhat you said about how guys
stop the progression of arelationship because they are
fearful we wanted to.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Just this is great, right here.
Why do we need to move anywhere?
Speaker 1 (12:50):
this is, this is great whereas the woman, I
believe, is we are saying whydon't you?
If it is so good now, how muchbetter could it be in the future
?
Speaker 2 (12:59):
like we're already in the future that's where the
fear and lack of we're sofuture-minded about when it
comes to a good thing that it'sjust, and then you guys are
stuck.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
This works.
I mean, the same thing happenswith wanting kids.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
If you're married and you're newlywed and you're like
I don't know, we're able totravel, we're able to do things.
Once we have kids, we see whatour friends go through, we see
the.
If you have the desire, if theLord put it in your heart.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Fear, faith worry.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
Insecurity.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
It's all those, it's the same.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Four things Four or five things Over and over, and
over and over in every singleseason.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Holding you back, stopping you getting in your way
.
Roadblocks, they're just to me.
They're stumbling blocks right,got to get rid of them, right
yeah, they're stumbling blocks,right, got to get rid of them,
right yeah, but it's not thateasy no.
Because they're real lifethings.
It's like this is a really hardhurdle to overcome.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Absolutely.
And I mean we're talking again.
We're talking about timelinesand progression of relationships
, but these roadblocks can alsobe internal as well.
Can also be internal as well.
You know, if a man is verystubborn in his ways or if a
woman overspends, you know ifthere's something that's within
(14:19):
the relationship where you'relike we need to, we cannot move
forward.
We can't move any further untilwe get out of debt.
And the only way we're going toget out of debt is if you stop
spending or you manage but youknow what I mean or vice versa.
Like dude, we are constantlybumping heads because you're
stubborn and you just won'taccept that sometimes you're
wrong or sometimes you canchange and be different, and so
(14:40):
we get in our way.
We get in the way of peace, ofbreakthrough, of growth, of
development, of a long-lastingmarriage.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
That's real, yeah, okay.
Growth of development of a longlasting marriage that's real,
yeah, okay, we're talking kindof big picture individual, him
and her before the marriage.
So what does this look likewhen we're already married?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
so what does it look like in marriage?
Yeah when you have theroadblocks what's holding you
back?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
yeah, how are people holding themselves back in
marriage?
Speaker 1 (15:12):
all the things the same, the same row box.
I think they're all the sameand different.
You know, like I said, likewhen you want to have children,
when you want to have yourfinances, when you guys get into
a fight and you refuse to likeface the conflict and then
repent of the conflict, like goin a different direction in this
so that you don't have theconflict again.
You know when one is toostubborn, when one doesn't
(15:33):
listen.
You know all the things.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I think about from a guy's perspective.
Guys will tend to shut down aconversation that they're afraid
of.
We'll shut, I'm not talkingabout that.
We're not going to.
This is over.
This is this.
This, this conversation is donewhen it's not solved.
And you're you're the guy issabotaging that marriage from
growing, sabotaging that youknow.
(15:57):
Jesus used the picture of thevine sabotaging that vine from
getting stronger and graspingbetter well, girls do that too.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
They just don't make it so firm, it's just a silent
treatment and they just won'ttalk.
But it's so crazy, okay.
So I love reading, like rom-comnovels okay, okay, it's just
it's a nice leisure pastime.
I don't have to think too muchabout it.
You know it's very predictable.
I love reading these things andthey're oh, they always drive
(16:25):
me.
I just want to smack thecharacter, because they claim
how angry they are at theirperson okay, and they are just
so livid with them and theydon't want to talk to them.
And then they just are twoships passing by, but then, in
like, as you're reading aboutthe character, she's like just
turn around and hug me.
(16:46):
Or like she's thinking aboutthese things, like just turn
around and hug me.
Or I wish you could just pull meclose and just look me in the
eyes and tell me that we messedup.
And like Ninja, why don't yousay it too?
What's stopping you from doingthe same thing?
And so it's almost like and Ican relate to this because I
used to do this is I would getmad and I would expect for you
(17:07):
to come and save the day, likebe the hero and do the romantic
gesture to whisk me off my feetand admit that things were wrong
, and admit that we said somehard things to each other and
apologize, and just have thisromanticized apology of let's
work it out, let's figure it outas if that is going to make it
(17:29):
all better.
Work it out, let's figure itout as if that is going to make
it all better.
But then you're holding a cardand you're not responding and
you're very angry and short andyou're expecting them to just
come out and bust through allthose walls to get to that point
.
That's self-sabotage.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Vulnerability and lack of it, Lack of the man.
Being able to say this is ahard topic for me.
I don't want to talk about thisbecause it makes me feel
insecure that I don't makeenough money.
It makes me feel insecure thatI'm not going to be able to
satisfy you.
It makes me feel insecurebecause I don't know if I can
raise kids.
I don't know if I have thepatience for that.
I don't want to skip going tothe gym and being able to say
(18:09):
that out loud to your partnerand be vulnerable enough to
accept whatever their responseis to your vulnerability.
That's the fear that I hear inthat story.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
And, as you said, this, it makes me realize that
people, both men and women, wedo it all the same, both men and
women, we do it all the same.
We withhold our vulnerabilitybecause we don't believe in the
unconditional love that thespouse is supposed to give to
one another.
We don't believe that we are ina safe space where we can be
(18:43):
that open and it would bewell-received until people hold
it back.
I don't believe that there are.
I don't believe that everysingle married couple out there
is as vulnerable and astransparent as they should be,
because they fear the reactionor the response on the other end
.
They don't believe that they'rein a safe space where they
(19:06):
would be loved no matter howthey feel, no matter what they
think, and that it would be in aloving environment that they
could openly talk about thosethings.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
And so many times I see from guys is that there's
scar tissue there fromattempting to be vulnerable and
getting shot down or gettingrejected or getting told to just
deal with it.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Yeah, same, I mean women.
We have our monthly feelings.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
And so so many guys can take that and they're just
like oh, she's just in hermonthly thing, she's just
feeling her thing, she's alwaysin her feels, and so that keeps
women guarded, because we'relike you don't take my feelings
seriously because you think thatthey're not real, you think
that they're just made upbecause of a hormone thing.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
So it's yeah, it's absolutely, because from a guy's
perspective, a couple dayslater it's a whole different
lady, yeah, and it's just likedo I take which?
I have to take the whole ladyseriously, yeah, every time,
every day.
Take the whole lady seriously,yeah, every time, every day.
(20:17):
But when I've been, I don't wantto say conditioned, but I've
experienced that if I just waittwo or three days, this is gonna
work itself out which is whyit's so important that all men
should understand their cycle oftheir woman but at the same
time, in that moment, notwaiting two or three days, I
can't just say it's just yourtime of the month, leave me
alone no three days, becausethat's rejection and such
(20:39):
hurtful way to talk to your,your wife, yeah, and so what it
sounds like selfishness holdspeople back too, because a she
wants.
She's so selfish, she wants toget this point out, whether it
hurts his feelings or not rightor b.
He's so selfish that he's justlike I'm just gonna wait till
this is better for me and when Iwant to talk about this, and
(21:02):
that selfishness holds thatrelationship back from growing
to that understanding where heunderstands her feelings,
regardless of what time it is ofthe month, and she understands
his feelings and his ego,because we all have egos
understands how to work with hisego to not sabotage the
relationship and, and her beingself-aware, to say, hey, wait a
(21:26):
second yeah am I really angryabout this or am I letting my
emotions get the best of me?
Speaker 1 (21:31):
Self-awareness.
Yeah, I think it's alsoimportant for women to
understand.
You know, it's like aself-sabotage.
And a self-sabotage because, asyou said before, men have
trouble being that vulnerablebecause they won't get a good
response, because they aresupposed to be the strong one,
they're supposed to be theprotector, the provider.
(21:53):
And sometimes elevating arelationship, taking it to the
next level, going into a newseason, causes fear in that man,
and so they want to expressthat fear.
But it's hard to express thefear because it's not going to
be received, and so I thinkthat's a self-sabotage in the
man.
But then for the woman, you haveto be willing to hear your man
(22:14):
be vulnerable and share weakness, without attaching that fantasy
future that I mentioned at thevery beginning to the man.
Okay, because what's happeningis we're attaching, we're
putting all our coins and allour eggs into the man, into the
husband, into the outcome of therelationship based on his
(22:36):
leadership, based on hisstrength, based on his wisdom,
based on his intention to see itsucceed.
And so when you guys feel thefear and you guys feel the
weakness, then all of a suddenwe feel like whoa, whoa, whoa,
this isn't what you vowed to do.
You're breaking your end of thebargain.
I don't want to receive that, Ireject that, and so it becomes
(22:59):
a self-sabotage in itself.
We are all forgetting in thisseason.
We're all forgetting that noneof us have it all together and
that none of us are strongenough to endure those things,
and then none of us can provideall the needs that we both need
to go into these other toprogress the relationship and to
(23:21):
make it grow and to make itflourish.
We all need to rely on Christright, because it's in our
weakness that he is made strong.
And so if we are not welcomingthat weakness, whether from a
woman or from the man, if we'renot welcoming that weakness,
then how can Christ's strengthever cover that situation to the
(23:42):
fullest?
Speaker 2 (23:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
And so we have to get comfortable being vulnerable
and being weak and opening thosedoors and sharing the feelings
and sharing why we feel like wehave to sabotage this thing so
that we, by doing that, we'realso inviting Christ into the
situation and we're trusting inHis strength and we're trusting
(24:08):
in His grace and we're trustingin his fullness, so that we can
get over it together.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Amen, amen.
That vulnerability will lead tohealing.
Exposing those cracks will leadto repair.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
So taking it all the way back.
You know there's a guy who hasa great friendship with a girl.
The girl really likes the guywants to.
Where is this going?
I don't know where this isgoing.
You never talk about where it'sgoing.
I want it to go somewhere.
Or it's not, you know, or I'mgoing somewhere.
You know, like what's happeninghere.
If they're in a situation likethat and they both want the
(24:42):
relationship to become exclusivebut they're both afraid of what
could happen to that, or evenif you're already dating and you
want to get married but you're,you're good where you're at,
you don't want to break it right, how can people take the
presence of God in theirrelationship to get past that
(25:03):
fear?
What could they do or whatcould be said to help them get
past that fear?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
I love when this is going on, when we have a
conflict like this.
I love your ability to justname what you're going through.
I'm feeling really blank, I'mfeeling really self-conscious
about this, I'm feeling reallyinsecure about this, and so
there's going to be a challengeto talk about.
I'm feeling really selfishright now and I don't want to
(25:30):
hear any of your solutions.
I'm feeling really right nowand I don't want to hear any of
your solutions.
I'm feeling really, and so Ithink that really digging into
what is going on, to say, hey,wait, I'm feeling this, selena,
and so I need you to do this, toleave me alone, to sit here and
just hear me out for a second,to sit here and not talk and
make faces while I pour my heartout to you.
(25:51):
Yeah Right, I need to.
I need to really be vulnerablewith you.
Speaker 1 (25:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Those that's that, for me, has been a huge success
in getting through these kind oftroubles, getting through
self-sabotage, getting throughholding ourselves back.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
How about you so being open, being self-aware of
what you're feeling and thenhaving the safe space to openly
talk about what you're feeling?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
And sometimes that is knowing hey, I'm not ready to
talk about this right now.
I'm going to come back to youin so much amount of time.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
And say hey or say hey, let's talk about this on
Sunday, when I know we havenothing going on and I'm not
stressed, and it's not nineo'clock at night, after I just
spent an hour putting the kidsto bed.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Yes, because sometimes people will say now
it's not a good time to talk,but then so many other things
start happening.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
It ends up never being a good time to talk.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
And then it's never a good time to talk and it's just
like you are full of it At thispoint.
You're just full of it becausenow you're just running from the
whole thing.
So, yes, having a hard momentin time in the future, of like
we're gonna talk about this atthis point, right the end, no
(27:08):
matter what, you know, I thinkthat's very good.
Something that I used to dookay, something that I still do
is there was a song I think itwas by john legend, I'm pretty
sure where he basically said,like um, laying all the cards on
the, on, laying out all mycards for you know on the table,
or something like that.
(27:28):
I gotta look it up anyways, no,I don't, but I'll trust you I
think it's this Time, so anyways, I'll link it for you guys to
listen to.
But anyways, the song alwaysmade me feel like I'm putting
all my cards on the table.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
And so every time I come to a point where we have a
hard talk, like this or there'sa pivot in the relationship
where I know things are going tochange, and I know that
whatever direction we choose togo in will change everything
from that moment on, whetherit's engaged, marriage, children
(28:03):
, buying a house, these hardthings that are just going to
change everything New job, newjob.
It's going to change everything, and we both know it.
And so when I'm in these kindsof situations, I think of the
vision of me.
I'm just going to lay all mycards out.
I'm just going to lay all mycards out.
(28:23):
You see where I'm at.
And when I do that, I have thistiny 30 seconds of insane
courage, you know, going back,going back to Matt Damon.
30 seconds of insane couragewhere I'm just going to put it
all out there and I'm just goingto show you where I'm at, and
(28:43):
I'm going to be completelytransparent and I have no idea
how that's going to go.
But the Lord taught me that thetruth sets me free, and so I'm
going to be as truthful and ashonest as possible.
I'm going to hold nothing back.
You can take it or leave it.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Perfect.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
And if you leave it, then at least I know I did
everything in my power to be ascompletely open and transparent
with you as possible and movingforward, I got nothing to lose.
That's kind of my mindset whenI enter these things, that's
kind of-.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
That takes a ton of courage.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
It's the 30 seconds of insane courage.
It's not the courage to climbup a mountain, it's the courage
to jump off a cliff.
I'm running and I jump off acliff.
I have enough courage to dothat.
I might not have the courage toclimb the mountain, but I got
the courage to just run and jumpand not think any more about it
.
So I run and jump, I show youmy cards, this is where I'm at
(29:38):
and then I wait, and usuallyit's met with an equal sense of
vulnerability, it's met withgrace, it's met with God's
strength, and the strength getsme through the mountain together
with you, and so that's what Ido.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
it's great, that's what I would.
I appreciate that and that waswhat I would tell a guy guys too
to do yeah go and say what you,what's going?
Speaker 1 (30:05):
on in your heart.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Have that one jump do it, yes, and then watch the
blessings flow, watch theconnection grow, watch the
vulnerability be reciprocatedfrom your partner.
And it grows and it builds.
And next time it's a littleeasier and it's easier to get
deeper and it's easier to bemore vulnerable and it's easier
for your relationship to grow.
(30:27):
It's like fertilizer, it's likesteroids.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
And when you're running and you're jumping off
the cliff, you're not thinkingabout what's other people going
to say what about this, whatabout that?
You're not overthinkinganything.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
It's just you and God .
Speaker 1 (30:41):
You're just literally running and jumping, yeah, and
I don't know if you've everjumped into a waterfall before.
You're a diver, so you jump offthe diving board, but it's that
kind of feeling where you justyou're.
You're either going to do it oryou're not yeah and if you're
going to do it, you're going torun and you're going to jump.
There's no jolting back,there's nothing like that, and
(31:03):
so you just do it.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
There's an old quote if, if the fear, if your fear of
the dive is greater than yourfear to oh man, I gotta say it
right if your fear of of doingthe dive is greater than your
desire to want to complete thedive, then you got to pick a
different sport say it again ifyour fear of doing the dive is
(31:26):
greater than your fear ofwanting to complete the dive,
then you.
It's time for a different sportyeah, yeah if you're afraid to
jump, if you're afraid to try it, you got to go.
It's either, you know, do it ordon't do it, or really don't
yeah and that's the same withbeing vulnerable just do it,
just do it, and and let watchthe blessings flow yeah, amen so
(31:49):
good that is good.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
I think it's a good bow to tie on today's episode we
have spring cleaned that topicyes, yes, and so guys, we're out
there.
Um, we encourage you.
Don't hold yourself back.
Don't hold the relationshipback.
You might be staring at the oneevery single day, or, as you
guys are dating, that might bethe one.
(32:10):
And you don't have to thinkabout the future too far into
you know, old age.
You don't have to think aboutthe future too far into old age.
You don't have to think aboutthe next seasons to come.
All you have to do is thinkabout is it good now?
Is God blessing it now?
Is there peace now?
Then have the courage towelcome and embrace that peace.
Have the courage to take thatpeace and let God multiply it so
(32:33):
that you can see what happensin the future as long as Christ
is in the middle, giving you thestrength to overcome those
things.
Speaker 2 (32:39):
I'm sure there's other topics, other examples.
I'm sure there's other examplesthat you guys have of how you
want to be vulnerable or howyou're holding your relationship
back or how you see yourpartner holding your
relationship back.
Let's chat about it.
Drop a comment, let's hearabout it.
Shoot us a message.
We're available.
We want to hear from you guys.
We love hearing the feedback,we love talking to our listeners
(33:01):
and we're grateful for you, man.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
We're grateful for you being here.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
We could see it in the likes, in the shares, in the
comments, in the five-starreviews on all the platforms.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
You want to know something tell me we had a
holding back moment with thispodcast wow in the beginning,
you know, and in the very I.
I wanted to have a podcast foryears oh I wanted you to join me
for years.
I wouldn't.
I wouldn't have a co-host, noother co-host could.
Could do what I wanted to dookay what I felt in my heart
(33:32):
needed to happen, other than you.
And so we waited for you and wehad a life-changing talk of
like if we do this, it's goingto change things, because we're
not just going to do it for aseason and we're going to be
done.
We're going to do it until Godtells us that we're done.
And here we are, our 70thepisode.
(33:54):
Right, we've been doing this 70times, meeting with you guys,
having these coffee chats withyou guys, ministering to the
world, whoever needs to hear it,hoping that we're bringing you
closer to God, hoping that we'rebringing what God brought
together closer so thatmultiplication and blessings can
come out of that.
That multiplication andblessings can come out of that.
(34:16):
Yes, and you know, it took ussome insane courage and it took
a lot of vulnerability to say,okay, we're going to just do it
and we'll figure it out as we go, and God's going to provide the
rest of the way.
And so this is a what is itcalled?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
An example of us getting out of our own way?
Yes, and not holding ourselvesback.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
Yes, yes, and not holding ourselves back.
Yes, yes, it's not easy, but itdoes require some courage, and
we both believe that each of youguys can possess a tiny little
bit of that courage to help youget the rest of the way.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
So thank you guys for watching.
Let's go ahead and pray, do you?
Want to pray today.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
I will be glad to Lord.
We are grateful for this time.
Lord, we just lift up all thecouples here, listening at the
sound of our voice.
We pray that they would havefaith, lord, that they would
have boldness to see and havevision for the relationship you
want them to have.
Lord, see and have vision forthe relationship you want them
(35:19):
to have.
Lord, I pray that the ladieswould not operate out of anxiety
, but they would operate out offaith, out of courage.
I pray that the men would standin boldness and stand with
braveness and stand to be theleader that God has called them
to be.
Lord, we are grateful for thistime.
We're grateful for everyone whois invested here to grow
themselves and to grow theirrelationships.
Lord, we pray that all of ourlisteners would get out of their
(35:42):
own way in their relationshipand watch it grow and flourish
and be fruitful.
We give you glory, god, for allof it, in Jesus's name Amen.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Amen.
Thank you guys so much forlistening and watching.
If you're on YouTube, be sureto like, share and subscribe.
If you're on a podcast Apple,spotify, iheartradio, all of the
other ones please make surethat you write a review so that
other people like you can get tolearn how to love by faith as
well.
And five stars is just fine.
If you just want to tap it andmove on.
(36:12):
We will greatly appreciate thatas well.
Be sure to catch us next weekwith another episode.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Definitely next week.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
And we hope you love by faith.
Yay, see you next week.
Bye.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
That was great.
We a good job.
What's holding you back?
Jubilee holds herself back.
Really, I don't want to go toschool that she's at school.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
She's like I don't want to leave.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
I don't want to leave .
Is that how it goes?
Yes gotta let it go, gotta getin there and just just gotta do
it embrace it every singlemorning.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
I don't want to go to school.
I don't like school, I don'tlike my teachers, I don't like
these clothes, I don't like thisbreakfast.
And as soon as she's there, bye, mom, yep bye.
Speaker 2 (37:07):
Ran away from me so fast today when she was there
bye.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I think it's just she doesn't want to get out of her
bed.
She takes after her mother.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
We just don't want to get out of her bed.
She takes after her mother.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
We just don't want to get out of bed.
Once we're out of bed, okay,we'll do the things.
I wasn't going to throw youunder the bus like that.
No, I am a gradual riser.
Okay, don't say good morning,say gradual morning, selena,
gradual morning, because ittakes me so much time to like
actually get into the morning ofthings start with like meh
(37:40):
morning Selina meh morning okay,morning roll around morning
Selina, gradual.
Good morning, great morning,grand rising.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
Oh man, we've reached that time of the week, kyle's
got to go everyone Good day.
See you guys next time.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Good day to you.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
Appreciate y'all for being here.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
Love, by faith, y'all Love by faith, y'all Bye.
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