November 26, 2023 • 17 mins
A year ago I announced I was starting a podcast. What some people don't know is that my brother Donnie gives me the courage to speak my mind.
In this episode I'm baring my soul about losing my brother. As this grief is still fresh, I share the rollercoaster of our relationship, my guilt and regrets, realizing the very things that would drive me crazy are now cherished memories.
This episode is a raw, unfiltered journey through sibling love, a tribute to the impact Donnie had on my life.
If grief is the price for love, I will gladly pay this toll ❤️
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I absolutely love Facebook memories, especially
the ones for my brother Donnie.
He would always send thesweetest messages and they
always had a flower as thepicture, so I get one today from
November 25th 2019.
I apologize for being a personwho finds saying things easier
(00:25):
in letters than voice.
Sometimes I guess it's becauseI feel no matter what I say or
how much I've changed from theold D, I feel that everyone only
sees, remembers the way I usedto be.
I wanted to say that I admireeverything you have done with
your life and things you'veaccomplished.
I'm proud of you.
(00:47):
Everything you do for me andhave done for me is appreciated
to the utmost.
It will not be forgotten.
Thank you, and I love you.
Always.
Stay sweet.
A year ago today, I announcedthat I was starting a podcast.
One of the things people don'tknow is that my brother Donnie
(01:10):
is what gives me strength to saywhat I want.
I've talked about my brotherfrom time to time on the podcast
, but if it's your first timetuning in, my brother Donnie
passed away October 24th 2021.
It was by far the worst lossI've ever experienced.
My brother Donnie said what hewanted and did what he wanted.
(01:34):
It was one of the things abouthim that drove me absolutely
insane.
He was the black sheep of ourfamily, the troublemaker.
He burned every bridge withalmost every family member.
It seemed like he had no regardfor anyone and always got what
he wanted.
(01:56):
My entire childhood revolvedaround Donnie.
Donnie did this, donnie didthat, donnie's in trouble,
donnie's in jail, donnie's out.
Donnie's going to prison,donnie's out again.
But really I didn't help anyeither.
I was just as much as anenabler as anyone who let Donnie
(02:20):
stay with me every time heneeded a place to crash.
But for me it was what I wastaught due for Donnie, so I
would do it.
And then it made me resentful,more so as an adult than a child
.
As a child I was just jealous.
I didn't understand why Donniegot all the attention and I was
(02:44):
just bystander.
As a child I became thestereotypical people pleaser.
I did everything that I wastold, because Donnie didn't.
I made sure I cleaned my roomand did all the chores, because
Donnie didn't.
I tried very hard to be theexact opposite of him.
(03:05):
I wanted to be the gooddaughter.
Now this got me some attention.
But it also backfired.
The better I did, the lesspeople worried about me.
It was made very clear thatDonnie was the one that needed
the most love and attention.
I was going to be okay, or wasI?
(03:31):
I would like to say that Donniedidn't care about what people
thought.
But I know he did, because eventhough on the outside we were
polar opposites, on the insidewe were exactly the same.
Every once in a while, donniewould let me in and share his
true feelings.
(03:52):
The only difference between uswas that he expressed himself
when I stayed quiet.
Now anyone can go read onDonnie's Facebook page and see
his rants.
I used to hate reading his posts.
I would call him and argueabout what he said online.
Why would you say that?
(04:12):
That's not true?
But you know, we all have ourown perceptions.
We grew up in the same housewith the same parents, but he
saw and felt somethingcompletely different.
Or did he Just like me?
(04:32):
Donnie felt alone and like noone cared.
He felt that he was unlovableand unable to love at the same
time, always left to fend forhimself, donnie hated life and
most everyone in it.
He was just as angry as meinside, he just expressed
(04:54):
himself differently.
He talked back and gotten intotrouble.
He raged against any andeverything that he could Me.
I stuffed it deep down like agood little girl and kept my
mouth shut.
What everyone saw on my brotherwas someone angry and always in
(05:16):
trouble.
But that's not who Donniereally was.
He was kind and he was loving.
We used to talk all the time.
He would drive out of his wayto come take me for lunch.
He would go to hams on latenights just for fried cheesecake
.
We had the same exact sense ofhumor and we can laugh about
(05:43):
something without sayinganything.
We used to have a lot of funtogether.
It all changed after Donnie'smotorcycle accident where Donnie
almost died.
He was in South Carolina andthere's not a helmet law.
The kid was taking his parentsrental car out for a joy ride,
(06:04):
not paying attention, didn't seeDonnie on the motorcycle and
hit him.
The paramedics said that Donniewas gone for approximately one
minute.
He was resuscitated and rushedto the hospital with significant
internal injuries.
When we arrived Donnie wassedated.
He had severe road rash, a fewbroken ribs, two broken jaws and
(06:29):
his brain was swelling.
Rapidly they needed to placeDonnie into a medically induced
coma.
From the very beginning I wasDonnie's medical power of
attorney and after months in thehospital and inpatient rehab,
donnie came home to live with me.
This is where our relationshipchanged.
Donnie was no longer like abrother.
(06:51):
Not only was he not himselfsuffering from a brain injury
and memory loss, but it was likeI had another child to care for
, a rebellious teenager wantingto do everything for himself and
very frustrated when he quicklyrealized he couldn't.
I know Donnie hated relying onme to care for him.
(07:15):
I had to remind him when toshower, when to brush his teeth
and even to eat.
He could barely remember whathe was doing from one moment to
the next, but eventually he gotbetter and better enough to go
back and live on his own.
As the years went by, we slowlydrifted further apart.
(07:37):
Donnie's brain injury made hisalready angry personality more
volatile.
At times it was very difficultto be around him.
I seemed to make him angry andI also seemed to be an easy
target.
We constantly argued, mostlybecause I'm telling him things
(07:57):
that he shouldn't be doing, andhe didn't like it.
Finally, I gave up and I justsat back and watched his life
implode.
Donnie only came to me when heabsolutely needed something and
he knew that ultimately Iwouldn't say no.
It would come with a lecturethat I would be there helping,
(08:21):
like the true enabler that I was.
But he was my brother and Iloved him no matter what.
I didn't want to see him sufferor live the life that he did,
but he didn't listen to me oranyone really.
I just had to be there when heneeded me.
(08:43):
About two years before Donniedied, he was in another
motorcycle accident.
It wasn't bad, but it sure ashell had me going through some
flashbacks.
I made it to the hospital andhe was okay.
Of course, it came with acompletely unbelievable story,
followed by him needing a placeto stay.
He came to live with me for afew months.
(09:06):
This was after Tom died, so Idefinitely didn't mind the
company.
I would watch Donnie every day.
He wasn't the same.
The years had not been good tohim.
His mind was lost in so manyways.
He lived in a world of stories.
(09:27):
He told himself to survive andjust to make sense of life.
In so many ways he was stilllike a child.
And there is my big brother,the big badass, donnie Sweat,
looking defeated.
It broke my heart.
(09:47):
I watched him one day sitting inthe recliner drawing, quiet and
content, with a bundle of pensand pencils wrapped in a rubber
band.
He was always drawing orwriting something.
I think this is what broughthim a little bit of joy.
He was happy to explain to meabout his favorite pen and then
(10:10):
offered it to me.
He said it was the best pen inthe world and I didn't use that
pen until after he died.
Everyone thinks I'm so nice andI'm such a good sister, but I
wasn't Sure.
We had our moments when it wasjust me and Donnie against the
(10:32):
world.
But in the end I was not.
I was cold and I was mean.
I was in a place where I wasn'thappy in my life, still
grieving Tom and not finding anymeaning at all.
Tired of listening to Donniecomplain, getting in trouble and
(10:55):
me still belling him out,having to be in control of his
finances and him constantlyasking for more.
I knew what he was doing withhis money and he would just lie,
lie, lie.
I was so fed up after all theseyears that I was at a breaking
(11:15):
point, all I had ever done forhim, and felt so unappreciated
and just constantly used.
Did he even care that I wasgrieving?
Did he even care that I was sad, lonely and depressed?
Did he even care how miserableI was.
I know for a fact that I madeDonnie feel like he was a bother
(11:43):
.
I let him know how annoying hislong ass messages raining about
how horrible he has it, andhe's not even once considering
what I'm going through.
That's not how you should treatsomeone that you love.
So I tried to do better.
I tried to be just a littlemore understanding and I tried
(12:07):
to remember the brother that Ionce had.
He was still in there somewhere.
I remember our last conversation.
I was taking him some money andI offered to take him to the
store, but he said no.
He seemed very happy that day,actually in a really good mood.
(12:27):
He had just went fishing theday before with our dad and he
caught the biggest bass.
As he was telling me about this, his eyes lit up and the
expression on his face was likea little kid, and this is how I
remember him.
Before I pulled off, I said Ilove you and he said I love you
(12:53):
too.
Then, shortly after, just theday before Donnie died, me, my
son and Donnie's daughter weregoing to see my mom.
I thought about calling Donnieand asking him if he wanted to
go, but selfishly I didn't wanthim to ruin my day.
I could only handle beingaround him for so long before we
(13:18):
started to fight.
When Donnie died, I was so angryat him not just angry, but
infuriated, I feel like that's abetter word to describe it.
I was so pissed that I was leftto clean up Donnie's mess
(13:39):
literally cleaning out his messfrom where he was staying,
playing in his funeral anddealing with our mom and his
kids again having to beresponsible to take care of
everything for Donnie.
It took me a minute, but Irealized I wasn't angry at
(14:01):
Donnie.
I was angry at myself.
I was angry because I couldhave done more.
I could have listened more, Icould have paid more attention.
I could have spent more timewith him.
I could have invited him tocome back and live with me.
I thought of every what-ifscenario there was.
(14:25):
I was so caught up in myselfand my own grief that I wasn't
paying attention to the signs,signs that I ignored.
I ignored because I didn't wantto be bothered.
Now I know in my mind that thereis nothing that I could have
(14:46):
done to save my brother, but myheart is filled with such guilt
and regret that it'soverpowering sometimes and I
feel like I've learned so muchabout my brother and his passing
just going through his things.
I've listened to all the M&Malbums to try and figure out his
(15:09):
obsession, and listening to thelyrics breaks my heart to know
that Donnie related so much.
I go through his pictures andhis letters that he's written
and I see how much love he hadfor others.
It's funny how all the thingsabout my brother that drive me
(15:30):
crazy when he was alive are allthe things that I admire about
him now that he's gone.
I want you to do me a favor Gohug your brother today, because
I can't hug mine and tell himyou love him just for me,
(15:51):
because, after all, love is notdead.
That's my brother.
I absolutely love Facebook memories, especially
the ones for my brother Donnie.
He would always send thesweetest messages and they
always had a flower as thepicture, so I get one today from
November 25th 2019.
I apologize for being a personwho finds saying things easier
(00:25):
in letters than voice.
Sometimes I guess it's becauseI feel no matter what I say or
how much I've changed from theold D, I feel that everyone only
sees, remembers the way I usedto be.
I wanted to say that I admireeverything you have done with
your life and things you'veaccomplished.
I'm proud of you.
(00:47):
Everything you do for me andhave done for me is appreciated
to the utmost.
It will not be forgotten.
Thank you, and I love you.
Always.
Stay sweet.
A year ago today, I announcedthat I was starting a podcast.
One of the things people don'tknow is that my brother Donnie
(01:10):
is what gives me strength to saywhat I want.
I've talked about my brotherfrom time to time on the podcast
, but if it's your first timetuning in, my brother Donnie
passed away October 24th 2021.
It was by far the worst lossI've ever experienced.
My brother Donnie said what hewanted and did what he wanted.
(01:34):
It was one of the things abouthim that drove me absolutely
insane.
He was the black sheep of ourfamily, the troublemaker.
He burned every bridge withalmost every family member.
It seemed like he had no regardfor anyone and always got what
he wanted.
(01:56):
My entire childhood revolvedaround Donnie.
Donnie did this, donnie didthat, donnie's in trouble,
donnie's in jail, donnie's out.
Donnie's going to prison,donnie's out again.
But really I didn't help anyeither.
I was just as much as anenabler as anyone who let Donnie
(02:20):
stay with me every time heneeded a place to crash.
But for me it was what I wastaught due for Donnie, so I
would do it.
And then it made me resentful,more so as an adult than a child
.
As a child I was just jealous.
I didn't understand why Donniegot all the attention and I was
(02:44):
just bystander.
As a child I became thestereotypical people pleaser.
I did everything that I wastold, because Donnie didn't.
I made sure I cleaned my roomand did all the chores, because
Donnie didn't.
I tried very hard to be theexact opposite of him.
(03:05):
I wanted to be the gooddaughter.
Now this got me some attention.
But it also backfired.
The better I did, the lesspeople worried about me.
It was made very clear thatDonnie was the one that needed
the most love and attention.
I was going to be okay, or wasI?
(03:31):
I would like to say that Donniedidn't care about what people
thought.
But I know he did, because eventhough on the outside we were
polar opposites, on the insidewe were exactly the same.
Every once in a while, donniewould let me in and share his
true feelings.
(03:52):
The only difference between uswas that he expressed himself
when I stayed quiet.
Now anyone can go read onDonnie's Facebook page and see
his rants.
I used to hate reading his posts.
I would call him and argueabout what he said online.
Why would you say that?
(04:12):
That's not true?
But you know, we all have ourown perceptions.
We grew up in the same housewith the same parents, but he
saw and felt somethingcompletely different.
Or did he Just like me?
(04:32):
Donnie felt alone and like noone cared.
He felt that he was unlovableand unable to love at the same
time, always left to fend forhimself, donnie hated life and
most everyone in it.
He was just as angry as meinside, he just expressed
(04:54):
himself differently.
He talked back and gotten intotrouble.
He raged against any andeverything that he could Me.
I stuffed it deep down like agood little girl and kept my
mouth shut.
What everyone saw on my brotherwas someone angry and always in
(05:16):
trouble.
But that's not who Donniereally was.
He was kind and he was loving.
We used to talk all the time.
He would drive out of his wayto come take me for lunch.
He would go to hams on latenights just for fried cheesecake
.
We had the same exact sense ofhumor and we can laugh about
(05:43):
something without sayinganything.
We used to have a lot of funtogether.
It all changed after Donnie'smotorcycle accident where Donnie
almost died.
He was in South Carolina andthere's not a helmet law.
The kid was taking his parentsrental car out for a joy ride,
(06:04):
not paying attention, didn't seeDonnie on the motorcycle and
hit him.
The paramedics said that Donniewas gone for approximately one
minute.
He was resuscitated and rushedto the hospital with significant
internal injuries.
When we arrived Donnie wassedated.
He had severe road rash, a fewbroken ribs, two broken jaws and
(06:29):
his brain was swelling.
Rapidly they needed to placeDonnie into a medically induced
coma.
From the very beginning I wasDonnie's medical power of
attorney and after months in thehospital and inpatient rehab,
donnie came home to live with me.
This is where our relationshipchanged.
Donnie was no longer like abrother.
(06:51):
Not only was he not himselfsuffering from a brain injury
and memory loss, but it was likeI had another child to care for
, a rebellious teenager wantingto do everything for himself and
very frustrated when he quicklyrealized he couldn't.
I know Donnie hated relying onme to care for him.
(07:15):
I had to remind him when toshower, when to brush his teeth
and even to eat.
He could barely remember whathe was doing from one moment to
the next, but eventually he gotbetter and better enough to go
back and live on his own.
As the years went by, we slowlydrifted further apart.
(07:37):
Donnie's brain injury made hisalready angry personality more
volatile.
At times it was very difficultto be around him.
I seemed to make him angry andI also seemed to be an easy
target.
We constantly argued, mostlybecause I'm telling him things
(07:57):
that he shouldn't be doing, andhe didn't like it.
Finally, I gave up and I justsat back and watched his life
implode.
Donnie only came to me when heabsolutely needed something and
he knew that ultimately Iwouldn't say no.
It would come with a lecturethat I would be there helping,
(08:21):
like the true enabler that I was.
But he was my brother and Iloved him no matter what.
I didn't want to see him sufferor live the life that he did,
but he didn't listen to me oranyone really.
I just had to be there when heneeded me.
(08:43):
About two years before Donniedied, he was in another
motorcycle accident.
It wasn't bad, but it sure ashell had me going through some
flashbacks.
I made it to the hospital andhe was okay.
Of course, it came with acompletely unbelievable story,
followed by him needing a placeto stay.
He came to live with me for afew months.
(09:06):
This was after Tom died, so Idefinitely didn't mind the
company.
I would watch Donnie every day.
He wasn't the same.
The years had not been good tohim.
His mind was lost in so manyways.
He lived in a world of stories.
(09:27):
He told himself to survive andjust to make sense of life.
In so many ways he was stilllike a child.
And there is my big brother,the big badass, donnie Sweat,
looking defeated.
It broke my heart.
(09:47):
I watched him one day sitting inthe recliner drawing, quiet and
content, with a bundle of pensand pencils wrapped in a rubber
band.
He was always drawing orwriting something.
I think this is what broughthim a little bit of joy.
He was happy to explain to meabout his favorite pen and then
(10:10):
offered it to me.
He said it was the best pen inthe world and I didn't use that
pen until after he died.
Everyone thinks I'm so nice andI'm such a good sister, but I
wasn't Sure.
We had our moments when it wasjust me and Donnie against the
(10:32):
world.
But in the end I was not.
I was cold and I was mean.
I was in a place where I wasn'thappy in my life, still
grieving Tom and not finding anymeaning at all.
Tired of listening to Donniecomplain, getting in trouble and
(10:55):
me still belling him out,having to be in control of his
finances and him constantlyasking for more.
I knew what he was doing withhis money and he would just lie,
lie, lie.
I was so fed up after all theseyears that I was at a breaking
(11:15):
point, all I had ever done forhim, and felt so unappreciated
and just constantly used.
Did he even care that I wasgrieving?
Did he even care that I was sad, lonely and depressed?
Did he even care how miserableI was.
I know for a fact that I madeDonnie feel like he was a bother
(11:43):
.
I let him know how annoying hislong ass messages raining about
how horrible he has it, andhe's not even once considering
what I'm going through.
That's not how you should treatsomeone that you love.
So I tried to do better.
I tried to be just a littlemore understanding and I tried
(12:07):
to remember the brother that Ionce had.
He was still in there somewhere.
I remember our last conversation.
I was taking him some money andI offered to take him to the
store, but he said no.
He seemed very happy that day,actually in a really good mood.
(12:27):
He had just went fishing theday before with our dad and he
caught the biggest bass.
As he was telling me about this, his eyes lit up and the
expression on his face was likea little kid, and this is how I
remember him.
Before I pulled off, I said Ilove you and he said I love you
(12:53):
too.
Then, shortly after, just theday before Donnie died, me, my
son and Donnie's daughter weregoing to see my mom.
I thought about calling Donnieand asking him if he wanted to
go, but selfishly I didn't wanthim to ruin my day.
I could only handle beingaround him for so long before we
(13:18):
started to fight.
When Donnie died, I was so angryat him not just angry, but
infuriated, I feel like that's abetter word to describe it.
I was so pissed that I was leftto clean up Donnie's mess
(13:39):
literally cleaning out his messfrom where he was staying,
playing in his funeral anddealing with our mom and his
kids again having to beresponsible to take care of
everything for Donnie.
It took me a minute, but Irealized I wasn't angry at
(14:01):
Donnie.
I was angry at myself.
I was angry because I couldhave done more.
I could have listened more, Icould have paid more attention.
I could have spent more timewith him.
I could have invited him tocome back and live with me.
I thought of every what-ifscenario there was.
(14:25):
I was so caught up in myselfand my own grief that I wasn't
paying attention to the signs,signs that I ignored.
I ignored because I didn't wantto be bothered.
Now I know in my mind that thereis nothing that I could have
(14:46):
done to save my brother, but myheart is filled with such guilt
and regret that it'soverpowering sometimes and I
feel like I've learned so muchabout my brother and his passing
just going through his things.
I've listened to all the M&Malbums to try and figure out his
(15:09):
obsession, and listening to thelyrics breaks my heart to know
that Donnie related so much.
I go through his pictures andhis letters that he's written
and I see how much love he hadfor others.
It's funny how all the thingsabout my brother that drive me
(15:30):
crazy when he was alive are allthe things that I admire about
him now that he's gone.
I want you to do me a favor Gohug your brother today, because
I can't hug mine and tell himyou love him just for me,
(15:51):
because, after all, love is notdead.
That's my brother.
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