Episode Transcript
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Dawn Rosinger (00:12):
Well, it's that
time of the week again and we
are pumped to be with you.
My name is Dawn and I'm sittinghere with my husband, travis,
and we are the hosts of theloving the fight marriage
podcast.
Travis Rosinger (00:21):
Yeah, I'm here
and I'm so glad that you guys
tuned in.
You know there's somethingspecial about stopping and
really focusing on what matters,and that is Jesus, one another
and the marriage that God hasgiven us, the marriage that is a
reflection of Jesus's love forthe church.
So we're so, like Don said, weare so excited to have you guys
(00:43):
hanging out with us for thisepisode.
Dawn Rosinger (00:45):
Well, we're going
to just jump straight into this
episode.
The episode title is the greatlie, it's a secret.
And actually think aboutsecrets.
I know recently someone told mesomething.
They're like hey, I have totell you something, but you
can't tell anyone.
And immediately in my mind I'mlike you mean, I can't even tell
my husband.
Like let's define secret here.
What are the rules?
What are the rules?
(01:05):
Do you know what they are?
Travis Rosinger (01:07):
Because it
seems like anybody we tell a
secret to, they always telltheir spouse.
Dawn Rosinger (01:11):
Yeah, absolutely.
Travis Rosinger (01:12):
And so it's
like is that a given or is that
like breaking the rules?
But also like you don't want tobetray somebody else's trust
and they're kind enough to sharetheir secrets with you.
And maybe it's because theywant prayer, they want to grow
the relationship or bevulnerable and we need a
handbook or something to tell usexactly how to handle secrets.
But this title is kind of a funone.
(01:35):
I mean, if you think about it,the great lie, it's a secret.
Dawn Rosinger (01:40):
What does that
mean?
Yeah, that's actuallyintriguing to me.
Well, we'll unpack that alittle bit, but I just wanted to
share with you right now somefamous secrets.
Maybe you haven't thought aboutthis, but what about Coca-Cola?
Like the actual formula for howto make Coke?
Travis Rosinger (01:54):
Delicious, oh
my gosh.
It's like an ice cold bottle ofCoca-Cola on a hot day.
It's like not only does thistaste amazing, but I want to
know how to make it.
I want to know how to make itat home.
Dawn Rosinger (02:05):
You know what?
I heard that there's only twoexecutives that actually have
the secret formula to Coke Wow,like it's under lock and key.
That's pretty special, that's abig secret what happens if they
both pass away?
Then the secret's gone At thesame time.
We don't want them to die.
Travis Rosinger (02:20):
We want to keep
our Coca-Cola coming.
Yeah, it's good stuff, it'sdelicious.
Hopefully they've got a plan inplace if that were to happen.
Dawn Rosinger (02:28):
Absolutely.
You know what about theKentucky Fried Chicken?
Travis Rosinger (02:31):
The finger
licking.
Good, that's funny.
Dawn Rosinger (02:34):
Right, when you
said that it's kind of like that
.
It goes with the jingle but thefinger licking good, Just like
Coca-Cola.
I heard that they actually havea secret recipe as well secret
spices, and honestly it'sguarded in a facility, they said
, kind of like a treasure, likethe jewels in England.
Travis Rosinger (02:50):
Yeah, the crown
jewels.
But it makes sense becauseKentucky Fried Chicken is one of
the most popular restaurantsaround the world.
I mean, you'll find KFC almostanywhere in the world and it's
because who doesn't like chicken?
But their recipe is exceptional.
Dawn Rosinger (03:07):
And they are
actually extremely particular
about where this recipe is found.
I think they said it's foundunder two feet thick concrete
walls.
It's in there.
Travis Rosinger (03:17):
Wow.
Dawn Rosinger (03:18):
No one's going to
be able to get in there.
Travis Rosinger (03:19):
I'm not getting
through it, no, and I get
hangry.
I don't know anything, but I'mnot going to make it.
And why are we talking aboutKFC or Coca-Cola?
Because we're talking aboutsecrets in this episode.
And there are some famoussecrets out there.
Dawn Rosinger (03:34):
There are.
What about one more?
How about the recipe toHershey's chocolate, the
Hershey's chocolate bar.
We went to Hershey Pennsylvania.
Travis Rosinger (03:41):
We did.
Dawn Rosinger (03:42):
We could smell a
chocolate in the air.
Travis Rosinger (03:44):
We could, but
hold on a second.
We almost died on our way intoHershey Pennsylvania, not
Illinois.
I wonder if there's a HersheyIllinois.
Yeah, we were flying intoHershey Pennsylvania and we were
on one of those planes wherethere's only like 12 or 14
people.
Dawn Rosinger (03:57):
There's a prop
plane.
Travis Rosinger (03:58):
And all we hit
was turbulence.
I mean it was crazy.
I thought we were going to dielike 40 times.
Dawn Rosinger (04:03):
It was kind of
like a roller coaster ride, but
after a while you wanted to getoff and you couldn't get off.
I know the Hershey bar secretactually has been a secret for
over a hundred years.
Travis Rosinger (04:13):
That's a long
time.
Dawn Rosinger (04:15):
I don't know how
people work in factories like
that.
I suppose only a few peoplehave the recipes but like and
not want to share it or want tomake it at home.
I mean, when someone makessomething you know and a potluck
I'm like, can I have the recipe?
Like, I want the recipe tosomething good.
Well, who doesn't likeHershey's chocolate?
Travis Rosinger (04:27):
I know, but
think about it.
Think of the residents inHershey, pennsylvania.
I mean, every day they opentheir windows to their house and
they're tortured, right.
The amazing, delicious smell ofHershey's chocolate and they
don't know how to make it.
It's a secret.
Dawn Rosinger (04:41):
Well, obviously
we're talking about food secrets
and other secrets that mostpeople want to know.
But this episode is going to besimilar but not exactly to deal
with food.
Travis Rosinger (04:51):
Yeah, different
kind of secret, the kind of
secrets that not corporations or, you know, not the food
scientists somewhere keep.
But we are talking today aboutsecrets that we humans keep, and
really it has a lot to do withour dark side.
I've read a few books on thatconcept and it's fascinating,
(05:12):
because I mean, you read theBible, the ultimate book, and it
talks all about how we, ashumans, have dark sides.
And so where does this idea ofcovering up a secret come from?
I mean, think about it when wasthe first secret born and why?
Dawn Rosinger (05:28):
Why was it
covered up?
Why did it become a secret?
Who told that first secret orkept that first secret?
I know.
Travis Rosinger (05:33):
And of course
you know, we know that sin was
birthed in the Garden of Edenwith Adam and Eve.
When they sinned, they feltashamed.
And of course we know that theycovered their nakedness with
fig trees or fig leaves.
I should say but that's not.
I don't think where the realfirst secret came from.
Somebody could argue thatthat's what it was, but I think
(05:53):
it came very quickly after that,in Genesis, chapter 4, verse 8,
it says now Cain said to hisbrother Abel let's go out to the
field.
He was about to do somethinghorrific.
And it says while they were inthe field, Cain attacked his
brother Abel and he killed him.
Then the Lord said to Cainwhere is your brother Abel?
(06:15):
I don't know.
He replied Am I my brother'skeeper?
The Lord said what have youdone?
Listen?
Your brother's blood cries outto me from the ground.
Dawn Rosinger (06:30):
Yeah, that's a
crazy secret.
Travis Rosinger (06:32):
It's awful,
it's like the worst kind of
secret anybody could have.
And it was obvious that not onlyhad evil slipped into his heart
, god had warned Cain about that, but he wanted to go on as if,
even though after he had donethis vile, horrible, evil thing,
that it had never happened.
And that's often what we try todo with our secrets is we're
(06:55):
pretending, we're pretending,like little three and four year
olds do Don, and they just aregoofing off, pretending, growing
their ability to think theirbrains, but we as humans get in
touch with our dark side, wegive them to evil and then we
cover it up.
And so I think it's fascinating.
It says that his brother'sblood was crying out to God from
(07:17):
the ground, and I'm assuming hedug a hole and put him into the
ground and covered it up, andso it just brings up some really
interesting thoughts.
So we know that Cain had fromthis passage he had killed his
brother and likely buried hisbrother, like I just said, in
the same ground that he was onall the time.
(07:37):
I believe he was a farmer, buthe also again had this horrible
thing in his recent past that hewas trying to avoid, and so
that's what sin does.
Dawn Rosinger (07:47):
It's in you.
Travis Rosinger (07:48):
Don.
It's in me, it's in all of us.
That's why we need Jesus.
Sin and the human heart causesus to naturally want to do wrong
, and then, when we do, we feelguilty, we feel awful, we feel
ashamed.
And so what do we do?
We try to cover it up, andwe're all drifting towards
keeping our dark side a secret.
We're all naturally, because ofour sinful nature, we're
(08:10):
drifting away from God, and so,without God's invited
intervention, I mean we need hishelp, we absolutely need his
help, and we need to be able toinvite him into our sinful
hearts on a regular basis.
If we don't invite God into ourhearts on a regular basis,
we're left with secrets thatfeed the monsters of our desires
.
Dawn Rosinger (08:30):
I'm patient to
want to just keep those secrets
from what we have just done.
That was not Right.
Travis Rosinger (08:34):
Yeah, totally,
and that's what God was warning
Cain about.
He says sin is crouching atyour door.
It was a monster he was talkingabout, like a huge animal, and
he said to Cain you must masterit.
So we might not have murder inour hearts like Cain, but we
often hide other things that wewouldn't want others, and
especially our spouse, to know.
Dawn Rosinger (08:54):
Right, you know,
I feel like I can think of so
many different stories that havecome to my mind with other
people coming to us or, you know, even like little things or
funny things.
Like you know, someone isshopping too much and they have
all of the you know, the boxesand the clothes sent to their
work.
Travis Rosinger (09:09):
So their spouse
doesn't know?
Or how about?
How about all the cartons offrench fries that are just like
hidden, tucked in the littlecompartments all over in their
car?
And they don't want theirspouse to know.
Dawn Rosinger (09:19):
Or, honestly, I
know of other bigger ones, just
like romantic interests thatsomeone may have for someone
else.
I actually talked to a lady onetime.
She had this romantic interestand I'm like get away, like stay
as far away from this person asyou can, and I tried to.
You know, that's just ahorrible.
Tell your husband.
Tell your husband like whatyou're feeling right now.
Travis Rosinger (09:38):
Yeah, and I
love that you say that, because
you were just talking tosomebody yesterday about love
and how love is blind andsometimes, if we're not careful,
those romantic interests startto blind our judgment.
Dawn Rosinger (09:47):
Right, absolutely
, you know.
I also know somebody who theywere struggling a little bit
with debt and they had way morecredit card debt than their
spouse ever knew and they hadthe bill sent to someone else's
house.
So the spouse didn't even knowthat this was a part of their
marriage.
So these are just differentexamples of secrets that couple,
may you know, may keep fromeach other.
But it's interesting because Ithink it's more common than we
(10:09):
think.
A recent Indiana universitystudy found that 90% of people
keep secrets about purchasesfrom their loved ones, even if
they don't believe the loved onewould be upset.
So, honestly, they're 90%, thatis a huge percent of people who
keep secrets.
Travis Rosinger (10:26):
That's crazy.
It's like I'm like so manypeople are keeping secrets and
they just don't even have a cluesometimes how their loved one's
going to react.
Or some of them think, oh, theywouldn't even care, but they
still keep the secret, and Ithink that really again points
back to our sinful nature thatAdam and Eve gave us.
Dawn Rosinger (10:45):
You know it,
beyond the romantic interests
that people may have, our moneyand discretion, there's also
past hurts that are unresolved.
There's annoying habits thatbug us, but we're not willing to
just talk about it and say, hey, that's irritating to me.
Travis Rosinger (10:57):
Yeah, we let
them faster, we let them just
get, and then we blow up.
Dawn Rosinger (11:01):
There may be
future plans that maybe your
spouse doesn't fully know about.
You've already began, you know,planning or an addictive
behavior.
Something small, maybe it'ssort of small, and now it's an
addictive behavior and just notwilling to share how bad the
addiction is.
Well, according to Dr BrettSember she writes research found
that keeping secrets in arelationship results in the
person with the secrets havingdecreased relationship
(11:24):
satisfaction and well-being.
Physical and mental health aredirectly impacted in this
situation.
I can totally see why thatwould affect your relationship
and everything.
Travis Rosinger (11:34):
You just
wouldn't necessarily trust each
other Tons of stress and Iwonder, stress and anxiety for
the person that's keeping thesecret.
But I wonder if that justsomehow sends this
under-the-radar message to thespouse that's in the dark, that
doesn't have the secret, andthey start to feel that coldness
that you're talking about.
Dawn Rosinger (11:51):
Right, I would
definitely feel very insecure.
If that was, I was at a pointwhere I felt like you were just
keeping a lot of secrets from me.
Well, dr Brett goes on to writethis.
She says when one harbors asecret, it often becomes a heavy
burden weighing on one'sconscience and creating a
barrier between oneself andtheir partner.
This emotional distance canlead to feelings of isolation,
(12:12):
even when in the company of thevery person one cares about.
So, man, just this loneliness,this isolation that you may feel
because a spouse may be keepinga secret for you.
Travis Rosinger (12:23):
Yeah, and that
is the big lie.
Right, there are no secrets.
They don't exist.
But when we try to have one,when we try to dig up our own
piece of dirt and bury ourlittle secrets in there and hope
that kind of like Cain, thatthe people around us don't see
them, it's a huge wedge.
It causes this wedge in themarriage and it's not what God
(12:44):
intended.
God wants the man and the womanand the husband and wife to be
one flesh and that secret triesto separate them into two flesh.
Well, in the Old Testamentthere's King David, and he is
such a cool guy because he'sjust down to earth, real, he
just lets it fly.
When he's angry, you know, atGod, he just shouts it out.
Dawn Rosinger (13:04):
I love reading
the book of Psalms.
It's therapeutic isn't it.
Travis Rosinger (13:07):
You don't even
have to pay a therapist.
You just read King David.
But when he's sad he just saysit like it is.
But King David messed up in theOld Testament.
He messed up bad and many ofyou know this story.
But he ended up having anaffair with a married woman and
then he got her husband killedso that he could have her the
rest of his life and she gotpregnant and they lost the baby.
(13:29):
I mean, it was just a horriblething, but he had her husband
killed.
Why To dig a hole in the ground,just like Cain, and to bury his
sin, to cover up his secret?
And it backfired against himand he learned a big lesson from
it.
God came to him through aprophet and the prophet warned
him.
And man, he just he went tohell and back to pay for what he
(13:53):
did.
But really the moral of thishistory is you can't hide
anything from God.
Just like Cain, you can't hideanything.
And that's when David's heartstarts to turn and he starts to
practice a love for a thingcalled transparency.
And that's really one of ourgreatest weapons against secrets
(14:14):
Don for you to always knowwhere I'm at, for me to not hide
money or do weird things withmoney or cover up my time.
Like you know, I'm doingsomething with my time, but I'm
not letting you know or havingrelationships or conversations
with other women that you don'tknow about, women that I might
suddenly have romantic feelingsfor if I were to start having
(14:35):
private conversations with them.
And so just being transparentand just saying hey to your
husband, you can be a part ofevery square inch of my heart
and my life and saying that toyour wife as well.
So David says these powerfulwords it's a prayer actually, as
he's really coming onto thishorrible life, or this moment in
(14:56):
his life, I should say, ofsecrecy or covering up.
And so in Psalms 139, he saysthis.
He says search me, god, andknow my heart, test me and know
my anxious thoughts, see ifthere is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the wayeverlasting.
Dawn Rosinger (15:17):
Wow, that's so
good.
I love this verse.
I love it because I honestlythere's times that I'm just
sitting in my day and I'm likeman, did I do something wrong?
Or sometimes you wonder did Isay that sarcastically or was
there something better in myheart, as I maybe responded?
I always ask God God search meand know my heart Like God knows
.
Travis Rosinger (15:37):
He does, and I
think what's really cool is and
you've kind of nailed it, don ishe sets the example of what we
need to be doing, like you justsaid, daily in our lives.
But did you notice?
He said the word me four times.
This isn't a prayer aboutpointing the finger at other
people that might be doingthings wrong in life.
No, he is literally pointingthe finger at himself and he's
(16:01):
doing business with God.
Dawn Rosinger (16:02):
He's taking
responsibility.
He really is.
That's exactly what he's doing.
Travis Rosinger (16:05):
Yeah, and he's
fiercely, fiercely fighting
against darkness and secret andopening his heart in the biggest
way of transparency.
You got to start with God, andthat's what he's doing.
I mean, this is a prayer thatwe all should be praying all the
time.
Now there's something uniqueabout this chapter, though.
It's just really kind of crazybecause he ended this chapter
(16:25):
with this prayer, but ironically, that's not how this chapter
starts this.
You know Psalm 139, he startsinstead with a statement about
God that says God has alreadysearched his heart, and I think
that's interesting that he saysthat, even though he ends, he's
like you know.
He starts hey, god searched myheart, and then he says okay,
(16:46):
but search my heart again, god,and I love his posture.
But listen how he starts this.
He says in verse one of 139,you have searched me, lord, and
you know me, you know when I sitand when I rise, you perceive
my thoughts from afar.
What is David doing?
He's tearing down the veil,this veil that we all have
(17:08):
inside of us to believe.
We convince ourselves it's selfdeception that somehow there
are secrets or that we can keepsomething bad that we've done,
or we're thinking about a secret.
And again, that's the big lie.
Dawn Rosinger (17:21):
There are no
secrets.
God sees everything and knowseverything, even the motives of
our heart.
Travis Rosinger (17:26):
Yeah, that's
why he's saying you perceive my
thoughts from afar and God hassearched us out.
And we need to remember thatand then be like what he's doing
and that is, get on our kneesand say, okay, you already know
me, you already searched me.
Now I'm gonna get honest aboutit.
You know, you know all my stuff, god, and I'm gonna ask you to
(17:47):
make it right inside of me.
And again, four times he saysthat.
Such a cool passage.
Dawn Rosinger (17:51):
It's such a good
thing that we can learn from and
model after.
I actually found this quote andI couldn't find who wrote it,
but I thought it was veryfascinating.
It went well with this episodeand it was this keeping secrets
from someone is no differentthan lying to them.
It's still dishonest.
Travis Rosinger (18:07):
It really is,
so I mean you're keeping a
secret.
Dawn Rosinger (18:09):
Really you are
lying to them because you're
just being dishonest and that'slying.
Travis Rosinger (18:12):
Yeah, it's like
two parallel realities.
You're pretending to be oneperson, but really there's this
other side of you that they'renot aware of.
You're right, it's deception.
Dawn Rosinger (18:21):
Well, so how can
we keep, you know, keeping
secrets out of our marriage, outof our relationships?
What are some action steps thatwe can take?
Well, first, I think we justneed to admit that secrets are a
human invention that don'texist.
Like there is no such thing assecrets, we, especially between
a husband and a wife, there arenot secrets.
Travis Rosinger (18:40):
They're gone,
god knows them anyway.
Dawn Rosinger (18:41):
And also, next,
we need to need to understand
that secrets cause stress andanxiety by having to keep them
and remembering those exactdetails.
It's something that hurts ourspouse and also it just hurts
ourselves.
To me, it would cause, you know, I would feel like I couldn't
trust you, I would feel likethere would be insecurity that
would rise up, like I mean, itwould just totally affect our
(19:02):
marriage.
Travis Rosinger (19:02):
Yeah, it
destroys quality of life is what
it does in quality ofrelationship.
Dawn Rosinger (19:06):
Another action
step is that be a person with a
spiritually clean closet.
You know, be like David, like,search my heart, Search me, oh
God, be a person like David.
The next one is be committed tostaying brutally honest with
your spouse.
This can get harder, trickysometimes, I mean, even when it
comes to clothing.
I mean we just, you know, hadchurch a couple extra services
(19:29):
this last week and we weretrying on clothes for each other
.
Travis Rosinger (19:32):
We had like 14
outfits out.
Dawn Rosinger (19:34):
Yes, there's so
many different services, we
didn't want to wear the samething.
And so I'm like what do youthink of this?
What do you think of that?
And after a while, I'm likeshould I tell them that that
makes them like a little bitwider, or should I tell them, no
, that looks great.
Should I be brutally honest?
And I honestly want you to bebrutally honest with me.
So be committed to stayingbrutally honest with your spouse
and honestly.
Lastly, since secrets aren'treally secret, be a person or a
(19:56):
spouse who is always asking Godto remove anything offensive.
Sometimes, man, there's justthings in our heart that we may
not see, but when we go to Godand say, god, search my heart,
he will reveal things to us, andit's great.
I think it's a great way tostart and, honestly, the best
way to have a marriage.
Travis Rosinger (20:16):
Yeah, david
says search me, God, and know my
heart, test me, know my anxiousthoughts, see if there is any
offensive way in me and lead mein the way everlasting.
Dawn Rosinger (20:25):
That's what we
want for all of you listening.
Travis Rosinger (20:27):
Don, that's
what I know you and I want for
each other, for our marriage.
We want that way everlasting.
Dawn Rosinger (20:32):
I don't know what
it is, but I bet it's an
amazing place, a destination.
Travis Rosinger (20:37):
We're headed
there, but it takes that fierce
willingness to be transparent.
Dawn Rosinger (20:42):
I do have one
question, though, travis.
So someone calls me and tellsme that they're pregnant and
they're going to have a baby.
Am I allowed to tell you, Likeis that?
Travis Rosinger (20:51):
okay.
Is that a secret that I cankeep from you, or?
Dawn Rosinger (20:53):
is that a secret
that I share?
Travis Rosinger (20:55):
Anyways, that's
just like I say no, no, don't
tell me.
Or like if they just gotengaged.
Dawn Rosinger (20:58):
Hey, can I tell
you that or not?
Travis Rosinger (21:00):
I say no, then
it's awkward later on.
Those are those great areaslike huh, should I?
Dawn Rosinger (21:05):
share the secret.
But anyways, again you guys, wejust wanted to encourage you
with this.
Don't believe the great lie andthe great lies.
It's a secret, because thereare no secrets.
Well, we just want to thank youfor listening to this episode
of the Loving the Fight MarriagePodcast.
Remember, you can do it.
You got this.
Keep loving the fight.
We'll see you next time.