February 16, 2024 • 24 mins
Is your marriage in need of better communication, the kind that will grow you closer to one another and help your love increase? Communication is one of the biggest foundational pieces of any relationship that allows it to get stronger and flourish. What if there was a marriage communication tool that could take your conversations to the next level and help you understand your spouse in a way that you never thought possible? Well, there is! It’s found in the one conversation you must have with your spouse weekly!
Join host, Travis and Dawn Rosinger, as they share an incredible marriage tool that will help you and your spouse unleash the power of communication in your relationship. By listening to this episode, you just might become addicted to this marriage communication tool and begin to enjoy a much more fulfilling marriage!
Travis and Dawn Rosinger are the Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast Hosts and Authors of the books, Verbalosity - 7 Steps to a Verbally Generous and More Fulfilling Marriage and their newest book, Gripping - What Matters Most | A Life and Relationships That Hold on to You
For more information about Travis and Dawn Rosinger go to Loving The Fight
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Travis Rosinger (00:12):
Welcome to the Love and the Fight Marriage
Podcast.
My name is Travis and I'm herewith my wife Dawn.
Dawn Rosinger (00:17):
Hey everyone.
It's so great to be with youguys today.
Travis Rosinger (00:20):
Well, we don't say this often enough, but
honestly, guys, we care aboutyou.
Yes, we sure do, man, we are sograteful for you and it matters
to us that you tuned in and arelistening, like for real.
Dawn Rosinger (00:32):
Yes, thank you.
We love that you have been apart of this journey.
Travis Rosinger (00:36):
Yeah, we're amped, and the reason why we do
this week in and week out isbecause we truly want to know
that somewhere in the 84countries that this podcast has
been downloaded, in that thereis a couple who is growing a
strong marriage and in somesmall way, if we're lucky we
played a small role in that.
We are fighting for yourmarriage and we're excited to
(00:58):
watch you guys continue to fightfor your marriage as well.
Dawn Rosinger (01:03):
Well, I love what you said, travis, but I hope
there's more than just onecouple.
Travis Rosinger (01:06):
I need more than one.
Hopefully there's hundreds.
Dawn Rosinger (01:09):
But honestly, we know that if we are able to help
one couple, it's worth our timeand what we're doing here just
to be with you guys today oh my,it absolutely is.
Travis Rosinger (01:18):
And wow to know that there are other people out
there that are following Jesusand loving their spouse with
everything within them, man,that's a huge win and really
rewarding for us.
Dawn Rosinger (01:28):
I know.
It's just super encouraging toknow that there's other people
that are fighting for theirmarriage, just like we are,
every single day.
So we are in it together.
We are a team and we can dothis.
Travis Rosinger (01:39):
Yeah, yeah, team marriage, absolutely.
Well, we've had a good week.
It's been kind of fun.
We got some new phones, and I'mnot saying that to give you the
highlight because of the phonesthemselves.
I'm kind of saying that to ribyou a little bit, Don.
Dawn Rosinger (01:56):
You are.
I know where you're going withthis, because getting a new
phone to me is usually thegreatest thing to you.
It's great.
It's amazing, but to me it'snot, and especially this time,
because I had to re-log intoevery single thing.
It just took a long time.
Travis Rosinger (02:10):
Like a hundred things I forgot.
Yeah, that happens.
Dawn Rosinger (02:13):
And even an authenticator to get my work
email.
So many things.
I'm like this is just crazy.
Is it really worth having a newphone?
But honestly, I must admit,this time was a little bit
different, because I went froman iPhone 13, mini, mini.
Travis Rosinger (02:26):
Well, let me just interrupt the smallest
phone on the planet.
Dawn Rosinger (02:30):
Well, I wanted to fit in my pocket.
It's so small I don't want tocarry a massive computer in my
back pocket, so I went with themini for the 13.
Well, this one is not the mini,and it's great because my
eyesight's probably getting alittle bit worse every day, but
I can actually read my phone now.
Travis Rosinger (02:47):
Yeah, it feels like a tablet, it's huge, well
and honestly welcome to theworld of normal phones.
Dawn Rosinger (02:54):
Hey.
I'm sure there's other peopleout there that thinks that minis
are great because they do fitin your pocket.
Travis Rosinger (03:00):
Well in Swedish , valkyman, welcome to the world
of normal phones, real phones.
Dawn Rosinger (03:06):
Well, I don't have to be like everybody else,
I'm okay being me.
Oh, true, true, yes, no, I doappreciate our new phone.
Travis Rosinger (03:12):
I'm glad you're you.
I'm attracted to you.
Well, last night was kind offun.
We got a chance to go on a date, a delayed date.
It was one day afterValentine's.
Day I can't think I can't talk.
But yeah, we went out on aValentine's Day date a day later
and we went out to a reallyreally great meal Not a fancy
(03:34):
place, but just really greatkind of like pub food.
But there was some live musicthere and that was a big reason
why we went.
There was a guy there thatplayed guitar one of the better
musicians guitarist.
Dawn Rosinger (03:46):
He was incredible .
Travis Rosinger (03:47):
I think I've ever seen in my life Great
singer, but he was doingsomething unique.
He had a music stand and therewas like not a brick but like a
cement block on his music stand.
Dawn Rosinger (04:01):
Yeah, it was just his music book of all of his
songs.
You guys, I took a picture ofit.
I had never seen that manypapers in one book.
It must have been almost a foottall.
Travis Rosinger (04:10):
It had to be.
Dawn Rosinger (04:11):
And then he was flipping through it and I'm like
how does he even know where togo to find the next song?
But he was very talented.
Travis Rosinger (04:17):
It was a fun night, so talented.
Dawn Rosinger (04:19):
And I'm so glad that we were wise enough to wait
an extra day from Valentine's.
We had a wonderful week, but itwas just honestly one of those
extra, extra busy weeks.
So we came home on Wednesdaynight and we're like no, I think
we should stay in for the night.
We should go out because I'mgoing to fall asleep.
It just wouldn't have been fun.
Travis Rosinger (04:35):
I would have been just like a zombie and you
didn't fall asleep last nightduring he had like 40 you know
lead guitar solo kind of thingson his acoustic guitar and was
just killing it and you didn'tfall asleep at all.
So that's that's really good andwe're not over exaggerating his
songs.
I swear he had 500 songs andhe'd be playing guitar and then
flipping to the next song.
Look like thousands of songs.
(04:59):
I don't know, it was wild.
We had a great time, but justto fill you in a little bit how
this has been a pretty good week.
Well, hey, the title of thisepisode is the one conversation
you must have with your spouse,and this isn't a part of the
title, but we could maybe evenadd and would regret if you
(05:19):
didn't have that conversationwith your spouse, and that's
kind of a kind of a title thatjumps out at us, isn't it, don?
Jump out at you.
Dawn Rosinger (05:29):
Yeah, hopefully you're like okay, I'm curious,
like what is that oneconversation that you must I
mean, it is true, it's a musthave conversation?
Well, we all know thatcommunication is one of the most
important things in marriage,and if it's not, it really
should be.
If you don't talk andcommunicate, share your feelings
and update each other on what'shappening, you're honestly,
(05:49):
your marriage just won't make itvery far.
Your marriage relationship will.
Eventually it will break down,your feelings for one another
will wane and you will likelyjust drift further apart and
that would be terrible happen inmultiple marriages around us
and even in our own marriage.
When our communication is on,we're not as close as we know
that we could be absolutely.
(06:09):
But when we make communication,especially respect in
communication, and priority, ourrelationships will not only
flourish but we'll have thepotential to become all that we
dreamed they could be.
It's true, I've.
If you really put that time andmake sure that you're
communicating the right day.
Unfortunately, you know, afterthe wedding day some couples
(06:29):
might walk away and just stoptalking like a quiet quitting.
Right or they're just moresilence, like a silent.
Hey, I'm gonna just notcommunicate as much, and so
you're quietly quittingDisengaging.
Yeah, you know, they may taketheir foot off a gas pedal,
sometimes intentionally out offrustration, and, honestly,
sometimes they don't evenrealize that this is happening.
(06:50):
As we just sit and think aboutreasons that couples might stop
talking, I think the first thingthat just pops into my mind is
just because they're preoccupied.
They have so much of theresponsibilities of life on
their minds that their spouseisn't even fortunate enough to
get their mental and verbalLeftovers.
I have to admit I feel like thelast week or two I kind of felt
like that was happening to me.
(07:10):
Life Just got so busy at workand with family and just so many
things.
I I looked at you.
I'm like, okay, I think I hit mylimit, I hit my lid yeah and I
just kind of was living in myown world, but having to make
sure no, I can't.
We still have to communicate.
I still got to make sure thatyou know everything in life is
just present, that's happeningand being able to talk through
it.
Travis Rosinger (07:30):
Yeah, which was hard because you were tapped.
You were mentally, you hit awall.
Dawn Rosinger (07:36):
Yeah, I did you know I don't hit a wall very
often, but I looked at you onenight and I'm like, hey, travis,
I really think I'm at my limit.
One more thing, if there's onemore thing I think I could.
Know what that looks like but Ijust knew we needed to stop.
Yeah, yeah, that makes senseanother reason or another thing
that maybe pops into my mind.
That you know couple stoptalking is just because they're
(07:56):
stuck.
There is just so much conflictin the past and they can't
figure out how to get unstuck orback the way they were before
they spiraled down into themaybe a dark hole of arguments,
insults.
Travis Rosinger (08:08):
That's so good, so true.
Actually, you know just whenyou, when you think of how
things can go in a spiral down,and then they don't come back
sometimes you know?
Dawn Rosinger (08:19):
another thing that just pops in my mind is
just they're afraid to talk.
Maybe communication has beenused as a weapon in the past,
through awful things that havebeen said and Things that
honestly can't be taken back,and fear has corrupt in where
you man.
You're just kind of walking oneggshells, so you're just afraid
to talk.
Or Maybe some couples justcan't see the point of talking
anymore.
(08:39):
They're just they don't have adesire to communicate, so they
don't say all the things thatare necessary to breathe Life in
a relationship that is justslowly dying.
So they just don't see thepoint.
Travis Rosinger (08:50):
Yeah, and I think you know, it might be too
that they don't know how to getthe conversation Started.
I think sometimes couples wantto communicate there.
There's just this desire towant to get to know each other
better, but there's some kind ofinvisible wall and so they just
don't know what to talk aboutor what questions to use to kind
of get the conversations going.
So they might also not havefollow-up drill down questions
(09:14):
ready to go.
So maybe they ask a questionand then it all dies after that
questions answered.
Dawn Rosinger (09:19):
I just look back at my parents marriage when I
was younger and I know thatthere would be conflict and
Sometimes they wouldn't talk forlike months, like it would be a
long time.
I was like, wow, like that is asilent treatment and neither of
them are gonna say a word.
And it was.
It was not the greatest thingto experience or be a part of,
because it just felt likeeverything was going to explode
but they wouldn't say anything.
Travis Rosinger (09:39):
Yeah, yeah, and you love them dearly, we love
them dearly, but that was justkind of the reality.
Dawn Rosinger (09:43):
Yeah, that was just the environment that I grew
up in.
Travis Rosinger (09:45):
Yeah, some couples, you know, the husband
grunts, the wife throws herhands up, you know, whatever it
is, but the communication isn'tthere.
And I think it's important topoint out that it's not that
couples get married kind of withthis belief that they'll one
day, you know, give each otherthe silent treatment.
Of course they don't do that,it's that they slowly drift, you
know that way over time driftapart, and it's simple, right?
(10:09):
I mean, all you need to do tofix it is just talk, just share
what's going on and how you feel.
Of course, like we justdiscussed, that is not reality
in many cases.
So how do you get talking Like,how, as a couple, as a married
couple, do you get thatcommunication flowing both
(10:29):
directions?
Dawn Rosinger (10:30):
Keep it flowing.
You don't want to just do itonce Like continually keep it
flowing.
Travis Rosinger (10:33):
Yeah, where it's just bubbling out over and
over again, kind of like a wellthat's springing up out of the
water.
Well, sometimes you have tojust start simple and sometimes
you've got to just say we're notgoing to talk about problems
with our marriage or stressfulthings in our lives or money or
any other thing that's botheringus right now.
Sometimes a couple just needsto go on a date or a trip with a
(10:54):
plan of really just deepeningtheir understanding of their
husband or their wife and of whothat person is as an individual
, and so we want to, as a couple, fighting alongside of you guys
.
we want to give you one littlecommunication tool that we think
, if you use it often, it mightjust get your communication
(11:15):
moving in a way that couldreally change how you think and
how you talk to each other,forever possibly.
So what is that tool?
What is it?
Dawn Rosinger (11:26):
Let me do the drum roll right, we need one.
Travis Rosinger (11:28):
What is the tool?
Dawn Rosinger (11:28):
Because communication is a big topic and
we need communication.
Travis Rosinger (11:32):
Oh my gosh.
We feel like this is a goodtool to have, yeah it's a good
one.
Well, here it is, guys.
We want you to take time withyour spouse, away from all of
the craziness of life, and, oncea week, ask the question what
matters most to you?
That's it, what matters most toyou.
You see, this is such animportant question because in
(11:55):
the busyness of life, how oftenare we looking eyeball to
eyeball into our spouse's faceand saying, hey, you know, with
your hand on their knee or yourhand on their shoulder, and
saying, hey, what matters mostto you?
And here's the good part Afteryou've listened and heard what's
really on their heart and ontheir mind and what matters most
(12:15):
to them, then it's important toask a drill down question.
That is just a part of thistool and that is what matters
most to you right now.
Dawn Rosinger (12:27):
Yeah, like right now, like for this next coming
week, like now Exactly.
Travis Rosinger (12:31):
Or even just in this day.
So I mean, think about itthere's a big difference to what
matters to a person most inlife and then what matters to a
person most right now right,yeah.
Dawn Rosinger (12:44):
Like what they're dealing with right now and we
actually tried this, you guys,we did this is something that we
don't just think, hey, let'shave you guys try it.
No, we tried it, and so we wereon a date recently in Travis.
That's exactly what you did.
I didn't know where this wasleading, and then obviously the
podcast came out of this.
I popped the question.
Travis Rosinger (13:01):
Yes, this question.
Dawn Rosinger (13:02):
Yes, you did, you were like, hey, don, what
matters most to me?
So I was just honest with youand I'm like, obviously God
matters most to me, my familymatters most to me, my friends
like I love them, they mattermost to me my job and then
ultimately, just making surethat I'm a productive member of
society and trying to make adifference in the world.
So those are just some bigthings that matter most and I'm
(13:25):
like, oh cool, I answered myquestion.
I gave you a few other thingsto do at a big, large scale.
Travis Rosinger (13:30):
You did great yeah.
Dawn Rosinger (13:31):
But then you just stopped and you asked me.
You said well, but what mattersmost now?
Travis Rosinger (13:36):
Now, yeah, at this moment and I was really
pleasantly surprised, just someof the things then, all of a
sudden, and I kind of comparedit to you know the question what
matters most is like a wholepizza, right?
Dawn Rosinger (13:48):
Right, yeah.
Travis Rosinger (13:49):
But then when I say, well, what matters most to
you right now, like in lifethis week, and then it's like
taking a piece of that pizza andnow I'm holding it in my hands
it's up close.
I'm not overwhelmed by thewhole thing and you began to
give me things down and then Iwas like whoa, now I'm suddenly
very in tune with your mind,your heart, the stress, the
(14:10):
responsibility or even thethings that you care most about
in your life at this moment.
Dawn Rosinger (14:16):
Right, it's cool that you asked me what matters
most first, because it justhelped me just stop and just
re-center my thoughts in thatmoment.
What does matter most?
It was like a great macro level, right.
And I was like man, I know thismatters the most.
So when you ask them, you knowon the micro level what matters
most.
Now I was able to take whatmatters most but look through a
(14:39):
different lens and it was greatand I was able to give you just
completely different answers.
Travis Rosinger (14:44):
Yeah, when I asked that question first, your
answer initially was like bigblack things, like God, family,
friends, my job, you know,making sure I'm not wasting my
life away, things like that.
But then when I asked you, donyou know what matters most right
now, like this week, then Iheard from you a completely
different set of specific things, like spending time with family
, and you were talking aboutthose family members or getting
(15:06):
rest.
We talked about hitting thewall or, you know, having that
break.
We're going on vacation nextweek and just in the midst of a
busy week of lots of work you'replanning out a funeral for
somebody.
And you know you just sharedthings about relationally, about
hanging out with our friends ora small group or again, just
that getting away and hearingthose things were so important
(15:28):
for me and really it made ourtime together so special.
It was very bonding.
Dawn Rosinger (15:34):
Yep, honestly, when you switched it to what
matters most to you now, it wasjust totally different answers
and it helped me really look atyou and go wow, you're actually
listening to what I'm saying,you're caring, you're hearing,
and so now you know what'spressing in this moment.
And now our actions, youractions.
From here on out, you'llunderstand where I am at.
Travis Rosinger (15:53):
Yeah, this is a powerful question that really
you can leverage it and it doesa lot of work within side of a
human heart but within arelationship.
Dawn Rosinger (16:03):
So why is this a must ask question?
Well, we want to reveal thesecret sauce behind this
question, and I think it's this.
It will show that you respectyour spouse and what they really
care about.
Your relationship willautomatically.
It just goes to a deeper level.
The minute you asked me thatand stopped, and I knew that you
were listening I just went alittle bit deeper and let you
(16:24):
know how I truly felt.
You know you'll experience agreater intimacy when you know
what really matters most to yourspouse, cause then you put you
guys on the same page.
It increases your listeningskills, cause I would have been
really frustrated if you wouldask me more of a deeper question
and not taking the time to juststop in.
You know, listen to me when youmake it a habit of just asking
(16:46):
this question often, you willbecome a much better listener,
because it's going to give youanswers for your next week, for
both of you, on both sides.
Travis Rosinger (16:54):
Yeah, why is this a must-ask question?
That's kind of hard to saymust-ask, but really too it's.
You're going to discover thingsthat you didn't realize
mattered to your spouse.
In fact, you're likely touncover their values.
And why is that important?
Because values are so neat, toknow pieces in their lives and
(17:18):
you realize what's important tothem.
And then you can talk aboutthem and you can even write them
down or remember them and keepbringing them up to your spouse.
And again, that just providesthat deep connection Jesus said.
He said ask and it will begiven to you, seek and you will
find.
Knock and the door will be opento you, for everyone who asks
receives, and the one who seeksfinds, and the one who knocks
(17:40):
it's open to them.
And we know Jesus is talkingabout prayer and our
relationship with our HeavenlyFather and him.
But this is actually a greatcommunication verse and a chunk
of wisdom.
Jesus is like hey, you ask aquestion, you're going to get an
answer.
And that's really what we'retrying to say is, you know, this
is a must-ask question, whereyou ask and you're really
(18:04):
wanting to hear the heart behindwhat's going on in your spouse.
And so when you do that, whydoes it work and why is it a
must-ask question?
Because it will satisfy acuriosity that you already have
about your spouse.
I mean, after all, you're theone that married them, you fell
in love with them and the wholeidea was to spend a lifetime
together getting to know eachother, and so you want to know
(18:26):
these answers about your spousethat they're about to give you
after you ask that question andyou likely just don't know how
to get them from them.
But by using this question, hey, what matters most to you Right
now?
Right now, I think those arejust super, super important, and
the effect is this it's goingto blow up your communication in
(18:48):
the best way possible.
I mean, they're going to likelyask you that back, which will
get two-way communication going,and that's what every couple,
every relationship needs.
Dawn Rosinger (18:59):
You know, ultimately, I think it's going
to diffuse a thing callednarrative fallacy.
You know, we think we know whyour spouse does something or
maybe acts a certain way.
So then we create stories, youknow, or that go along with
these assumptions that we havecreated.
You know, asking this questionshatters those assumptions.
It doesn't help you have thisfalse narrative, it gives you
(19:19):
the truth.
So then you don't just playinto like something that's false
.
That's not a reality.
I appreciate what Roy Bennettsaid.
He says this listen withcuriosity, speak with honesty,
act with integrity.
The greatest problem withcommunication is we don't listen
to understand.
We listen to reply.
When we listen with curiosity,we don't listen with the intent
(19:40):
to reply.
We listen for what's behind thewords.
Travis Rosinger (19:44):
That is an incredible quote.
Dawn Rosinger (19:46):
I love that it's so true.
You want to make sure thatyou're listening with curiosity.
Travis Rosinger (19:51):
Yeah, I like that part, listening with
curiosity, because, man, thatjust really starts to like I
don't care what I'm going to saynext, don, I'm just dying to
know what is in your heart, andthat's what's so powerful about
that question.
Dawn Rosinger (20:07):
And that question honestly, it truly applies to
almost every topic.
What matters most to you withfamily?
What matters most to you withsex?
What matters most to you withhaving fun and what you want to
do for hobbies.
What matters most.
Travis Rosinger (20:19):
And that's part of why this is such a great
communication tool, because wewant you to use this what
matters most overall, whatmatters most today or this week.
But, like you just said, Don,when it's applied you can do
that for anything.
What matters most to you, atwork right now or with your
family man, it just opens aworld of possibilities.
Dawn Rosinger (20:40):
I think it will ultimately make your spouse just
really feel significant,because someone they love is
taking the time to find out whatmatters.
Most of them not only takingthe time to find out what
matters, but actually listening.
Travis Rosinger (20:51):
Yeah, that's so good, and it's also going to
inform you how to pray for them,and this might be the most
important part.
Why?
Because praying specificprayers for your spouse is so
important.
Prayer changes things andprayer changes the person that
prays them.
And so when I pray for you, donthose specific things that
(21:12):
you've given me, man, god'sgoing to begin to move and do
things in your life, but he'salso going to change my heart,
like I'm not going to be ascranky towards you or as
frustrated or whatever it is,because I know you better, but
I'm also lifting you to God inprayer.
Dawn Rosinger (21:27):
And I can tell, because oftentimes if I tell you
something of what reallymatters most or what I need
right now, then the moment all Iwill get a text from you later
on, typically that says thatyou're praying for me and you'll
list out those specific areasthat I need prayer for.
And it's man.
That's just encouraging knowingthat you're fighting with me or
you're my cheerleader and I'mgoing to make it through.
Travis Rosinger (21:46):
Yeah, and Proverbs 18, 17 says the one who
states his case first seemsright until the other comes and
examines him, and the context isthe court of law, when you get
two different people that aretalking and trying to draw that
out.
But that's really again.
This is another verse aboutcommunication, how communication
(22:09):
can be very one-sided and ittakes sometimes another person
to bring it up and draw that out, and so I think that we don't
know the whole story until weget communication flowing two
ways from me to you, don, andDon from you to me.
All right, guys, yourassignment is to go on a special
(22:30):
date, go on a trip or put thekids to bed early, stay home,
light some candles, have alittle meal that you made and
ask this question what mattersmost to you?
Then follow up with thequestions what matters most to
you right now?
Dawn Rosinger (22:46):
And the key to this is just being honest.
When you are asked thosequestions, take the time and
just be honest and say this iswhat matters most to me right
now.
It's going to be different nextweek.
It's going to be different.
The following but what mattersmost to you right now?
Travis Rosinger (23:00):
Yeah, and feel free to apply that to many other
different topics.
Well, hey guys, we want tothank you for listening to this
episode of the Love in the FightMarriage Podcast.
Dawn Rosinger (23:11):
Remember, you can do it.
You got this.
Keep loving the fight, We'llsee you next time.
Welcome to the Love and the Fight Marriage
Podcast.
My name is Travis and I'm herewith my wife Dawn.
Dawn Rosinger (00:17):
Hey everyone.
It's so great to be with youguys today.
Travis Rosinger (00:20):
Well, we don't say this often enough, but
honestly, guys, we care aboutyou.
Yes, we sure do, man, we are sograteful for you and it matters
to us that you tuned in and arelistening, like for real.
Dawn Rosinger (00:32):
Yes, thank you.
We love that you have been apart of this journey.
Travis Rosinger (00:36):
Yeah, we're amped, and the reason why we do
this week in and week out isbecause we truly want to know
that somewhere in the 84countries that this podcast has
been downloaded, in that thereis a couple who is growing a
strong marriage and in somesmall way, if we're lucky we
played a small role in that.
We are fighting for yourmarriage and we're excited to
(00:58):
watch you guys continue to fightfor your marriage as well.
Dawn Rosinger (01:03):
Well, I love what you said, travis, but I hope
there's more than just onecouple.
Travis Rosinger (01:06):
I need more than one.
Hopefully there's hundreds.
Dawn Rosinger (01:09):
But honestly, we know that if we are able to help
one couple, it's worth our timeand what we're doing here just
to be with you guys today oh my,it absolutely is.
Travis Rosinger (01:18):
And wow to know that there are other people out
there that are following Jesusand loving their spouse with
everything within them, man,that's a huge win and really
rewarding for us.
Dawn Rosinger (01:28):
I know.
It's just super encouraging toknow that there's other people
that are fighting for theirmarriage, just like we are,
every single day.
So we are in it together.
We are a team and we can dothis.
Travis Rosinger (01:39):
Yeah, yeah, team marriage, absolutely.
Well, we've had a good week.
It's been kind of fun.
We got some new phones, and I'mnot saying that to give you the
highlight because of the phonesthemselves.
I'm kind of saying that to ribyou a little bit, Don.
Dawn Rosinger (01:56):
You are.
I know where you're going withthis, because getting a new
phone to me is usually thegreatest thing to you.
It's great.
It's amazing, but to me it'snot, and especially this time,
because I had to re-log intoevery single thing.
It just took a long time.
Travis Rosinger (02:10):
Like a hundred things I forgot.
Yeah, that happens.
Dawn Rosinger (02:13):
And even an authenticator to get my work
email.
So many things.
I'm like this is just crazy.
Is it really worth having a newphone?
But honestly, I must admit,this time was a little bit
different, because I went froman iPhone 13, mini, mini.
Travis Rosinger (02:26):
Well, let me just interrupt the smallest
phone on the planet.
Dawn Rosinger (02:30):
Well, I wanted to fit in my pocket.
It's so small I don't want tocarry a massive computer in my
back pocket, so I went with themini for the 13.
Well, this one is not the mini,and it's great because my
eyesight's probably getting alittle bit worse every day, but
I can actually read my phone now.
Travis Rosinger (02:47):
Yeah, it feels like a tablet, it's huge, well
and honestly welcome to theworld of normal phones.
Dawn Rosinger (02:54):
Hey.
I'm sure there's other peopleout there that thinks that minis
are great because they do fitin your pocket.
Travis Rosinger (03:00):
Well in Swedish , valkyman, welcome to the world
of normal phones, real phones.
Dawn Rosinger (03:06):
Well, I don't have to be like everybody else,
I'm okay being me.
Oh, true, true, yes, no, I doappreciate our new phone.
Travis Rosinger (03:12):
I'm glad you're you.
I'm attracted to you.
Well, last night was kind offun.
We got a chance to go on a date, a delayed date.
It was one day afterValentine's.
Day I can't think I can't talk.
But yeah, we went out on aValentine's Day date a day later
and we went out to a reallyreally great meal Not a fancy
(03:34):
place, but just really greatkind of like pub food.
But there was some live musicthere and that was a big reason
why we went.
There was a guy there thatplayed guitar one of the better
musicians guitarist.
Dawn Rosinger (03:46):
He was incredible .
Travis Rosinger (03:47):
I think I've ever seen in my life Great
singer, but he was doingsomething unique.
He had a music stand and therewas like not a brick but like a
cement block on his music stand.
Dawn Rosinger (04:01):
Yeah, it was just his music book of all of his
songs.
You guys, I took a picture ofit.
I had never seen that manypapers in one book.
It must have been almost a foottall.
Travis Rosinger (04:10):
It had to be.
Dawn Rosinger (04:11):
And then he was flipping through it and I'm like
how does he even know where togo to find the next song?
But he was very talented.
Travis Rosinger (04:17):
It was a fun night, so talented.
Dawn Rosinger (04:19):
And I'm so glad that we were wise enough to wait
an extra day from Valentine's.
We had a wonderful week, but itwas just honestly one of those
extra, extra busy weeks.
So we came home on Wednesdaynight and we're like no, I think
we should stay in for the night.
We should go out because I'mgoing to fall asleep.
It just wouldn't have been fun.
Travis Rosinger (04:35):
I would have been just like a zombie and you
didn't fall asleep last nightduring he had like 40 you know
lead guitar solo kind of thingson his acoustic guitar and was
just killing it and you didn'tfall asleep at all.
So that's that's really good andwe're not over exaggerating his
songs.
I swear he had 500 songs andhe'd be playing guitar and then
flipping to the next song.
Look like thousands of songs.
(04:59):
I don't know, it was wild.
We had a great time, but justto fill you in a little bit how
this has been a pretty good week.
Well, hey, the title of thisepisode is the one conversation
you must have with your spouse,and this isn't a part of the
title, but we could maybe evenadd and would regret if you
(05:19):
didn't have that conversationwith your spouse, and that's
kind of a kind of a title thatjumps out at us, isn't it, don?
Jump out at you.
Dawn Rosinger (05:29):
Yeah, hopefully you're like okay, I'm curious,
like what is that oneconversation that you must I
mean, it is true, it's a musthave conversation?
Well, we all know thatcommunication is one of the most
important things in marriage,and if it's not, it really
should be.
If you don't talk andcommunicate, share your feelings
and update each other on what'shappening, you're honestly,
(05:49):
your marriage just won't make itvery far.
Your marriage relationship will.
Eventually it will break down,your feelings for one another
will wane and you will likelyjust drift further apart and
that would be terrible happen inmultiple marriages around us
and even in our own marriage.
When our communication is on,we're not as close as we know
that we could be absolutely.
(06:09):
But when we make communication,especially respect in
communication, and priority, ourrelationships will not only
flourish but we'll have thepotential to become all that we
dreamed they could be.
It's true, I've.
If you really put that time andmake sure that you're
communicating the right day.
Unfortunately, you know, afterthe wedding day some couples
(06:29):
might walk away and just stoptalking like a quiet quitting.
Right or they're just moresilence, like a silent.
Hey, I'm gonna just notcommunicate as much, and so
you're quietly quittingDisengaging.
Yeah, you know, they may taketheir foot off a gas pedal,
sometimes intentionally out offrustration, and, honestly,
sometimes they don't evenrealize that this is happening.
(06:50):
As we just sit and think aboutreasons that couples might stop
talking, I think the first thingthat just pops into my mind is
just because they're preoccupied.
They have so much of theresponsibilities of life on
their minds that their spouseisn't even fortunate enough to
get their mental and verbalLeftovers.
I have to admit I feel like thelast week or two I kind of felt
like that was happening to me.
(07:10):
Life Just got so busy at workand with family and just so many
things.
I I looked at you.
I'm like, okay, I think I hit mylimit, I hit my lid yeah and I
just kind of was living in myown world, but having to make
sure no, I can't.
We still have to communicate.
I still got to make sure thatyou know everything in life is
just present, that's happeningand being able to talk through
it.
Travis Rosinger (07:30):
Yeah, which was hard because you were tapped.
You were mentally, you hit awall.
Dawn Rosinger (07:36):
Yeah, I did you know I don't hit a wall very
often, but I looked at you onenight and I'm like, hey, travis,
I really think I'm at my limit.
One more thing, if there's onemore thing I think I could.
Know what that looks like but Ijust knew we needed to stop.
Yeah, yeah, that makes senseanother reason or another thing
that maybe pops into my mind.
That you know couple stoptalking is just because they're
(07:56):
stuck.
There is just so much conflictin the past and they can't
figure out how to get unstuck orback the way they were before
they spiraled down into themaybe a dark hole of arguments,
insults.
Travis Rosinger (08:08):
That's so good, so true.
Actually, you know just whenyou, when you think of how
things can go in a spiral down,and then they don't come back
sometimes you know?
Dawn Rosinger (08:19):
another thing that just pops in my mind is
just they're afraid to talk.
Maybe communication has beenused as a weapon in the past,
through awful things that havebeen said and Things that
honestly can't be taken back,and fear has corrupt in where
you man.
You're just kind of walking oneggshells, so you're just afraid
to talk.
Or Maybe some couples justcan't see the point of talking
anymore.
(08:39):
They're just they don't have adesire to communicate, so they
don't say all the things thatare necessary to breathe Life in
a relationship that is justslowly dying.
So they just don't see thepoint.
Travis Rosinger (08:50):
Yeah, and I think you know, it might be too
that they don't know how to getthe conversation Started.
I think sometimes couples wantto communicate there.
There's just this desire towant to get to know each other
better, but there's some kind ofinvisible wall and so they just
don't know what to talk aboutor what questions to use to kind
of get the conversations going.
So they might also not havefollow-up drill down questions
(09:14):
ready to go.
So maybe they ask a questionand then it all dies after that
questions answered.
Dawn Rosinger (09:19):
I just look back at my parents marriage when I
was younger and I know thatthere would be conflict and
Sometimes they wouldn't talk forlike months, like it would be a
long time.
I was like, wow, like that is asilent treatment and neither of
them are gonna say a word.
And it was.
It was not the greatest thingto experience or be a part of,
because it just felt likeeverything was going to explode
but they wouldn't say anything.
Travis Rosinger (09:39):
Yeah, yeah, and you love them dearly, we love
them dearly, but that was justkind of the reality.
Dawn Rosinger (09:43):
Yeah, that was just the environment that I grew
up in.
Travis Rosinger (09:45):
Yeah, some couples, you know, the husband
grunts, the wife throws herhands up, you know, whatever it
is, but the communication isn'tthere.
And I think it's important topoint out that it's not that
couples get married kind of withthis belief that they'll one
day, you know, give each otherthe silent treatment.
Of course they don't do that,it's that they slowly drift, you
know that way over time driftapart, and it's simple, right?
(10:09):
I mean, all you need to do tofix it is just talk, just share
what's going on and how you feel.
Of course, like we justdiscussed, that is not reality
in many cases.
So how do you get talking Like,how, as a couple, as a married
couple, do you get thatcommunication flowing both
(10:29):
directions?
Dawn Rosinger (10:30):
Keep it flowing.
You don't want to just do itonce Like continually keep it
flowing.
Travis Rosinger (10:33):
Yeah, where it's just bubbling out over and
over again, kind of like a wellthat's springing up out of the
water.
Well, sometimes you have tojust start simple and sometimes
you've got to just say we're notgoing to talk about problems
with our marriage or stressfulthings in our lives or money or
any other thing that's botheringus right now.
Sometimes a couple just needsto go on a date or a trip with a
(10:54):
plan of really just deepeningtheir understanding of their
husband or their wife and of whothat person is as an individual
, and so we want to, as a couple, fighting alongside of you guys
.
we want to give you one littlecommunication tool that we think
, if you use it often, it mightjust get your communication
(11:15):
moving in a way that couldreally change how you think and
how you talk to each other,forever possibly.
So what is that tool?
What is it?
Dawn Rosinger (11:26):
Let me do the drum roll right, we need one.
Travis Rosinger (11:28):
What is the tool?
Dawn Rosinger (11:28):
Because communication is a big topic and
we need communication.
Travis Rosinger (11:32):
Oh my gosh.
We feel like this is a goodtool to have, yeah it's a good
one.
Well, here it is, guys.
We want you to take time withyour spouse, away from all of
the craziness of life, and, oncea week, ask the question what
matters most to you?
That's it, what matters most toyou.
You see, this is such animportant question because in
(11:55):
the busyness of life, how oftenare we looking eyeball to
eyeball into our spouse's faceand saying, hey, you know, with
your hand on their knee or yourhand on their shoulder, and
saying, hey, what matters mostto you?
And here's the good part Afteryou've listened and heard what's
really on their heart and ontheir mind and what matters most
(12:15):
to them, then it's important toask a drill down question.
That is just a part of thistool and that is what matters
most to you right now.
Dawn Rosinger (12:27):
Yeah, like right now, like for this next coming
week, like now Exactly.
Travis Rosinger (12:31):
Or even just in this day.
So I mean, think about itthere's a big difference to what
matters to a person most inlife and then what matters to a
person most right now right,yeah.
Dawn Rosinger (12:44):
Like what they're dealing with right now and we
actually tried this, you guys,we did this is something that we
don't just think, hey, let'shave you guys try it.
No, we tried it, and so we wereon a date recently in Travis.
That's exactly what you did.
I didn't know where this wasleading, and then obviously the
podcast came out of this.
I popped the question.
Travis Rosinger (13:01):
Yes, this question.
Dawn Rosinger (13:02):
Yes, you did, you were like, hey, don, what
matters most to me?
So I was just honest with youand I'm like, obviously God
matters most to me, my familymatters most to me, my friends
like I love them, they mattermost to me my job and then
ultimately, just making surethat I'm a productive member of
society and trying to make adifference in the world.
So those are just some bigthings that matter most and I'm
(13:25):
like, oh cool, I answered myquestion.
I gave you a few other thingsto do at a big, large scale.
Travis Rosinger (13:30):
You did great yeah.
Dawn Rosinger (13:31):
But then you just stopped and you asked me.
You said well, but what mattersmost now?
Travis Rosinger (13:36):
Now, yeah, at this moment and I was really
pleasantly surprised, just someof the things then, all of a
sudden, and I kind of comparedit to you know the question what
matters most is like a wholepizza, right?
Dawn Rosinger (13:48):
Right, yeah.
Travis Rosinger (13:49):
But then when I say, well, what matters most to
you right now, like in lifethis week, and then it's like
taking a piece of that pizza andnow I'm holding it in my hands
it's up close.
I'm not overwhelmed by thewhole thing and you began to
give me things down and then Iwas like whoa, now I'm suddenly
very in tune with your mind,your heart, the stress, the
(14:10):
responsibility or even thethings that you care most about
in your life at this moment.
Dawn Rosinger (14:16):
Right, it's cool that you asked me what matters
most first, because it justhelped me just stop and just
re-center my thoughts in thatmoment.
What does matter most?
It was like a great macro level, right.
And I was like man, I know thismatters the most.
So when you ask them, you knowon the micro level what matters
most.
Now I was able to take whatmatters most but look through a
(14:39):
different lens and it was greatand I was able to give you just
completely different answers.
Travis Rosinger (14:44):
Yeah, when I asked that question first, your
answer initially was like bigblack things, like God, family,
friends, my job, you know,making sure I'm not wasting my
life away, things like that.
But then when I asked you, donyou know what matters most right
now, like this week, then Iheard from you a completely
different set of specific things, like spending time with family
, and you were talking aboutthose family members or getting
(15:06):
rest.
We talked about hitting thewall or, you know, having that
break.
We're going on vacation nextweek and just in the midst of a
busy week of lots of work you'replanning out a funeral for
somebody.
And you know you just sharedthings about relationally, about
hanging out with our friends ora small group or again, just
that getting away and hearingthose things were so important
(15:28):
for me and really it made ourtime together so special.
It was very bonding.
Dawn Rosinger (15:34):
Yep, honestly, when you switched it to what
matters most to you now, it wasjust totally different answers
and it helped me really look atyou and go wow, you're actually
listening to what I'm saying,you're caring, you're hearing,
and so now you know what'spressing in this moment.
And now our actions, youractions.
From here on out, you'llunderstand where I am at.
Travis Rosinger (15:53):
Yeah, this is a powerful question that really
you can leverage it and it doesa lot of work within side of a
human heart but within arelationship.
Dawn Rosinger (16:03):
So why is this a must ask question?
Well, we want to reveal thesecret sauce behind this
question, and I think it's this.
It will show that you respectyour spouse and what they really
care about.
Your relationship willautomatically.
It just goes to a deeper level.
The minute you asked me thatand stopped, and I knew that you
were listening I just went alittle bit deeper and let you
(16:24):
know how I truly felt.
You know you'll experience agreater intimacy when you know
what really matters most to yourspouse, cause then you put you
guys on the same page.
It increases your listeningskills, cause I would have been
really frustrated if you wouldask me more of a deeper question
and not taking the time to juststop in.
You know, listen to me when youmake it a habit of just asking
(16:46):
this question often, you willbecome a much better listener,
because it's going to give youanswers for your next week, for
both of you, on both sides.
Travis Rosinger (16:54):
Yeah, why is this a must-ask question?
That's kind of hard to saymust-ask, but really too it's.
You're going to discover thingsthat you didn't realize
mattered to your spouse.
In fact, you're likely touncover their values.
And why is that important?
Because values are so neat, toknow pieces in their lives and
(17:18):
you realize what's important tothem.
And then you can talk aboutthem and you can even write them
down or remember them and keepbringing them up to your spouse.
And again, that just providesthat deep connection Jesus said.
He said ask and it will begiven to you, seek and you will
find.
Knock and the door will be opento you, for everyone who asks
receives, and the one who seeksfinds, and the one who knocks
(17:40):
it's open to them.
And we know Jesus is talkingabout prayer and our
relationship with our HeavenlyFather and him.
But this is actually a greatcommunication verse and a chunk
of wisdom.
Jesus is like hey, you ask aquestion, you're going to get an
answer.
And that's really what we'retrying to say is, you know, this
is a must-ask question, whereyou ask and you're really
(18:04):
wanting to hear the heart behindwhat's going on in your spouse.
And so when you do that, whydoes it work and why is it a
must-ask question?
Because it will satisfy acuriosity that you already have
about your spouse.
I mean, after all, you're theone that married them, you fell
in love with them and the wholeidea was to spend a lifetime
together getting to know eachother, and so you want to know
(18:26):
these answers about your spousethat they're about to give you
after you ask that question andyou likely just don't know how
to get them from them.
But by using this question, hey, what matters most to you Right
now?
Right now, I think those arejust super, super important, and
the effect is this it's goingto blow up your communication in
(18:48):
the best way possible.
I mean, they're going to likelyask you that back, which will
get two-way communication going,and that's what every couple,
every relationship needs.
Dawn Rosinger (18:59):
You know, ultimately, I think it's going
to diffuse a thing callednarrative fallacy.
You know, we think we know whyour spouse does something or
maybe acts a certain way.
So then we create stories, youknow, or that go along with
these assumptions that we havecreated.
You know, asking this questionshatters those assumptions.
It doesn't help you have thisfalse narrative, it gives you
(19:19):
the truth.
So then you don't just playinto like something that's false
.
That's not a reality.
I appreciate what Roy Bennettsaid.
He says this listen withcuriosity, speak with honesty,
act with integrity.
The greatest problem withcommunication is we don't listen
to understand.
We listen to reply.
When we listen with curiosity,we don't listen with the intent
(19:40):
to reply.
We listen for what's behind thewords.
Travis Rosinger (19:44):
That is an incredible quote.
Dawn Rosinger (19:46):
I love that it's so true.
You want to make sure thatyou're listening with curiosity.
Travis Rosinger (19:51):
Yeah, I like that part, listening with
curiosity, because, man, thatjust really starts to like I
don't care what I'm going to saynext, don, I'm just dying to
know what is in your heart, andthat's what's so powerful about
that question.
Dawn Rosinger (20:07):
And that question honestly, it truly applies to
almost every topic.
What matters most to you withfamily?
What matters most to you withsex?
What matters most to you withhaving fun and what you want to
do for hobbies.
What matters most.
Travis Rosinger (20:19):
And that's part of why this is such a great
communication tool, because wewant you to use this what
matters most overall, whatmatters most today or this week.
But, like you just said, Don,when it's applied you can do
that for anything.
What matters most to you, atwork right now or with your
family man, it just opens aworld of possibilities.
Dawn Rosinger (20:40):
I think it will ultimately make your spouse just
really feel significant,because someone they love is
taking the time to find out whatmatters.
Most of them not only takingthe time to find out what
matters, but actually listening.
Travis Rosinger (20:51):
Yeah, that's so good, and it's also going to
inform you how to pray for them,and this might be the most
important part.
Why?
Because praying specificprayers for your spouse is so
important.
Prayer changes things andprayer changes the person that
prays them.
And so when I pray for you, donthose specific things that
(21:12):
you've given me, man, god'sgoing to begin to move and do
things in your life, but he'salso going to change my heart,
like I'm not going to be ascranky towards you or as
frustrated or whatever it is,because I know you better, but
I'm also lifting you to God inprayer.
Dawn Rosinger (21:27):
And I can tell, because oftentimes if I tell you
something of what reallymatters most or what I need
right now, then the moment all Iwill get a text from you later
on, typically that says thatyou're praying for me and you'll
list out those specific areasthat I need prayer for.
And it's man.
That's just encouraging knowingthat you're fighting with me or
you're my cheerleader and I'mgoing to make it through.
Travis Rosinger (21:46):
Yeah, and Proverbs 18, 17 says the one who
states his case first seemsright until the other comes and
examines him, and the context isthe court of law, when you get
two different people that aretalking and trying to draw that
out.
But that's really again.
This is another verse aboutcommunication, how communication
(22:09):
can be very one-sided and ittakes sometimes another person
to bring it up and draw that out, and so I think that we don't
know the whole story until weget communication flowing two
ways from me to you, don, andDon from you to me.
All right, guys, yourassignment is to go on a special
(22:30):
date, go on a trip or put thekids to bed early, stay home,
light some candles, have alittle meal that you made and
ask this question what mattersmost to you?
Then follow up with thequestions what matters most to
you right now?
Dawn Rosinger (22:46):
And the key to this is just being honest.
When you are asked thosequestions, take the time and
just be honest and say this iswhat matters most to me right
now.
It's going to be different nextweek.
It's going to be different.
The following but what mattersmost to you right now?
Travis Rosinger (23:00):
Yeah, and feel free to apply that to many other
different topics.
Well, hey guys, we want tothank you for listening to this
episode of the Love in the FightMarriage Podcast.
Dawn Rosinger (23:11):
Remember, you can do it.
You got this.
Keep loving the fight, We'llsee you next time.
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