April 1, 2024 • 21 mins
Why is it so easy to pretend that everything is going so well when privately we know that we are hurting or that there is something seriously wrong with our relationships? Why? Because our society rewards and celebrates success and runs from vulnerability and weakness. Ironically, the only way to get strong and to succeed on a truly wholistic level is to address the issues within your life and marriage rather than ignoring them or pretending they will go away. So, are there cracks in your marriage, and if there are, are you willing to admit it and do something about it?
Join hosts, Travis and Dawn Rosinger, as they share why cracks in our marriage can be so devastating, what cracks look like in a relationship, and what to do about fixing the problems that led to the cracks in your marriage. This is an episode that will get you to examine your heart and challenge you to fix the problem! Don't miss it!!
Travis and Dawn Rosinger are the Loving The Fight Marriage Podcast Hosts and Authors of the books, Verbalosity - 7 Steps to a Verbally Generous and More Fulfilling Marriage and their newest book, Gripping - What Matters Most | A Life and Relationships That Hold on to You
For more information about Travis and Dawn Rosinger go to Loving The Fight
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Travis Rosinger (00:12):
Hey everyone, welcome to the Loving the Fight
Marriage Podcast.
My name is Travis and I'mhanging out here with my wife
and my co-host, dawn.
Dawn Rosinger (00:21):
Hey everyone.
We are sitting here today andactually we are covering from a
food coma that we had fromyesterday because, yesterday was
Easter and we feasted on someamazing food.
Travis Rosinger (00:34):
It was so good.
Tons of roast beef.
I think we bought an 80 poundroast I'm kidding, but wow, it
was huge.
And then we had carrots andpotatoes, mashed potatoes, and
then just all the fixings to gowith a huge roast.
And really fun time, though,with our family and just
celebrating Easter.
Jesus has risen from the grave.
(00:56):
The tomb is empty, and so justhaving a great time together.
Dawn Rosinger (01:01):
Easter week is definitely one of our favorite
weeks.
We get to spend a lot of timewith a lot of different people.
Our church has quite a fewEaster services and so, man, I
got to meet new people, got tojust talk with other people all
the volunteers and see somereally cool things, while
remembering one of the greatestthings that Jesus ever did for
(01:21):
us.
And just the resurrection ofhim is incredible.
Travis Rosinger (01:26):
Yeah, so important Really.
Let's be honest, there wouldn'tbe Christianity, there wouldn't
be faith if Jesus was laid inthe tomb and he never rose from
the grave.
Like that's really the verypivotal, like most important
thing about Christianity isJesus is alive.
He's alive and to be able tocelebrate that Dawn I think you
(01:47):
had almost 4,000 at your campus,I had almost 2,000 at mine, and
part of why I'm saying that iswe love people and so to just
smile at that many people and totalk to them and wish them a
happy Easter, we got reallycharged up and so that was a lot
of fun.
But also the gospel was clearlyshared, just that Jesus is
(02:10):
alive and that he saves everyone.
He loves everyone.
Dawn Rosinger (02:12):
Right, it's just honestly.
It's amazing just to rememberall that Jesus did for us and
celebrate with people you knowwhat he did, but then afterwards
we get to celebrate with familyand just really just take time
to stop and recognize you know,talk about our faith, recognize
all that Jesus did, but then weget to eat food and hang out
with some incredible people inthe process and celebrate
(02:34):
together.
Travis Rosinger (02:34):
So you can't get better than that.
Dawn Rosinger (02:36):
Jesus, people and amazing food.
Travis Rosinger (02:39):
And our relatives, our family.
So good.
Now, there was a very specialguest yesterday at our Easter
dinner table.
It made a cameo and kind ofstayed around for a while.
What am I talking about?
There was this bowl that mydaughter made and it was filled
with banana pudding.
But it's a banana puddingrecipe.
(03:00):
That's not just, like you know,quick instant banana pudding
out of a box and then that's it.
No, this was like layered withtons of what do you call?
it Bananas and vanilla wafers.
Oh, I love vanilla wafers,vanilla wafers dipped in vanilla
frosting.
It was phenomenal, something Idream about at night.
Dawn Rosinger (03:22):
No, but the vanilla pudding, the banana
pudding, I'm sorry, wasphenomenal, Something I dream
about at night.
No, but the vanilla pudding,the banana pudding, I'm sorry,
was phenomenal.
Such a good dessert that we had.
It's funny because I boughtsome homemade or some brownies
not homemade, but I bought somebrownies that I thought would be
good.
They couldn't compare theypaled this banana pudding.
So that was just a fun dessert.
Travis Rosinger (03:41):
Yeah, it was so delicious and it was just great
that she made the bananapudding itself.
It was homemade and so that'spart of why it was so good and
so delicious.
Dawn Rosinger (03:51):
And so that's why we are recovering today, right?
Travis Rosinger (03:54):
Yes, there's still a rock in my stomach,
that's in our stomach.
Dawn Rosinger (03:57):
We didn't do the traditional ham, we did roast,
like Travis said.
But man, such a great weekend,like extended weekend, and then
we get this extra bonus day off.
Travis Rosinger (04:06):
Yeah, and so for those of you that listen all
the time or maybe this is yourfirst time listening you were
like, hey, why is Travis and Dontalking about their lives or
what happened with their weekend?
Well, guys, honestly, when wejust started this, you know, a
couple of years back, three,four years ago we just decided
we're, you know, we just want tobe ourselves, we're real people
and we just want to make sure,you know, we're just living
(04:28):
regular life, just like you are,and so we try to be real.
We want to keep you updated onwhat's new in our lives, but we
love you, guys, and we are sograteful that you are listening.
Dawn Rosinger (04:38):
Right, yep, it's such an honor and a treat to
have you with us each week.
You know, a few weeks ago wewere preparing to have some
company over to our house andour house is generally pretty
clean.
I mean, we don't have a lot ofclutter, I don't like a lot of
extra things, but still there'sdirt that comes in somehow, even
though we don't wear our shoesin our house.
But there's dirt, and so I waspreparing for some company.
(04:59):
So I was wiping everything down.
I had my you know mydisinfectant out, but then my
you, I beat everything down.
I had my disinfectant out, butthen all my cloths, and just
getting rid of the extra dust.
So I'd finished the kitchen andI went into the bathrooms and I
moved on into our bedroom.
Well, in our bedroom we havetwo matching lamps that are on
our nightstands, which are oneon each side of the bed, and I
began to wipe down thenightstands and then I quickly
(05:22):
moved the lamp your lamp Travisactually on your nightstand.
And then I quickly moved thelamp, your lamp Travis, actually
on your nightstand and suddenlyit completely fell apart, like
it did, and I was like it kindof shocked me because I was like
oh no, I just broke the lamp,but that's when I remembered
that you actually had brokenthat lamp right after I had
(05:42):
bought these matching lamps andI remember I was really bummed
but since they were matching,you did your best to put it back
together, this lamp.
You didn't use glue, but youwere able to kind of piece it
back together, and as long asyou didn't touch it, it was fine
it looks perfect.
It still worked.
You can still turn it on andoff, but again, you just
couldn't touch it and it reallylooks like there's nothing wrong
(06:05):
with it.
You can't even really see thecracks unless you look really
close.
Travis Rosinger (06:08):
It's actually bizarre, but yeah, it's like
actually broken into what likefive, six pieces, but you put it
together and it's like whoa,that's a really nice lamp, but
it's trash.
Dawn Rosinger (06:19):
It's cracked and messed up and honestly it looks
so good when you put it backtogether that I just totally
forgot that it had this majorcrack in it, but it really it is
still broken.
Well, the minute that thishappened, I kind of you know it
shocked me and then I laughedand then suddenly this thought,
this random thought, came intomy mind and I just thought you
know what this is exactly likepeople sometimes and many
(06:44):
marriages.
They look good on the surface,kind of like this lamp did, and
you would never think thatanything is wrong with them, but
then something suddenly getsmoved slightly or something gets
out of place and this massivecrack is exposed and really
they're falling apart.
So again, looking at this lamp,picking it up, and it's
completely fell apart, likethat's what some people's lives
(07:06):
look like, that's what somemarriages look like.
And I know honestly that's kindof what I have been at certain
times in my life, times whenlife has just been difficult and
I just put on a smile and tellpeople that I'm just fine, but
in that life is good, but reallyon the inside that's not what's
happening.
I know, specifically about 10years ago I remember I had a job
(07:27):
, I applied for a job.
I thought it was going to be mydream job.
I was so excited for this joband then I started it and it was
horrible.
It was not what I expected.
It's not what the jobdescription said.
It was.
Honestly, it was miserable.
I ended up resigning from thatjob just in a few months.
But part of it, part of me,just kind of.
When my job ended, I felt likea part of me died with it as
(07:51):
well, kind of like a dream haddied inside of myself and I
remember people kept asking mehey, are you okay, are you okay?
And I'm I'm like, yeah, nope,I'm fine, but on the inside part
of me was broken, kind of likethat lamp.
Travis Rosinger (08:08):
And it wasn't until you move certain parts of
me that you could actually seethe cracks.
But I was trying to cover it upwith everything within me.
Yeah, you know, I have asimilar situation to Don, or
experience, and I know you knowit well.
But there was a moment in mylife where I was working at a
specific place and there wasjust this difficult person there
.
And you know, I I love them andthey seem like they kind of had
some issues kind of going on intheir life and uh, but what was
(08:30):
wild was they were making itdifficult for everybody around
them.
So, yeah, they had issues intheir own life but rather than,
like you know, go to a therapistor work on it with God, um,
they were letting that spill outto so many people around them.
And it was just really hardbecause it's like, oh, you know,
I love this person, I want themto get better, I don't want
(08:50):
them to struggle, I want what'sbest for them, but yet they're
hurting all these people aroundthem.
And you know, at the same time,I'm just trying to do a great
job.
You know, I'm just trying tomodel Jesus and work hard and,
you know, grow God's kingdom,and so it was challenging for me
.
So I mean, I would show up towork and I'd be smiling and
happy because I'm just kind of ahappy guy, but deep inside I'm
(09:13):
like oh, this is really, reallytough.
You know, I'm trying to havethat right image on the outside
where I'm not bringing everybodydown, but I'm really struggling
on the inside, being aroundthis person and their toxic
behavior, and you know how it'sspilling out to everyone around
them.
Dawn Rosinger (09:27):
I think we can definitely all relate to a time
or think of a story when, man,you know, on the outside we
appeared that everything wasokay, but really honestly, on
the inside we were falling apart.
There's cracks everywhere.
We're just not doing well butwe're not willing to admit it.
Kind of like that lamp, youjust put it back together and
just hope it holds right.
Travis Rosinger (09:44):
Oh, exactly, and, Dawn, I know you grew up in
a house where you saw yourparents' marriage and it was
difficult.
At times it got messy.
But week in and week out,you've told me, and I was
actually a part of your lifeback then, you guys would hop in
the car and you would go tochurch and you would show up and
you were this beautiful familyand yet no one actually knew
(10:07):
what was going on inside of yourhearts, but also inside of your
home, and how difficult thethings were between your mom and
dad, but also in your family,and so it was a good cover-up in
terms of you know, it's kind oflike that lamp where it looks
great as long as you don't touchit, but underneath there's all
these cracks and it just isfalling apart and your guys'
(10:28):
lives were falling apart.
Dawn Rosinger (10:29):
It's interesting because I know we had just
started dating at that point andI wasn't going to spill to you
like all of the things that weregoing on in my house.
So on the outside it definitelyappeared that we were pretty
you know, it was pretty goodfamily and going the right
direction.
But honestly, there were somany cracks, it was so broken
and eventually I was able toopen up to you and you could see
it.
But you firsthand got to seehow we were trying to just look
(10:51):
like life was normal, but reallyon that side it wasn't.
Travis Rosinger (10:53):
It wasn't no.
But you know, we're trying tobe vulnerable.
As we're sharing these storieson this episode today and I know
that this hasn't just been usand our families I think that
many people are not fine.
Many people are kind of likethe lamp again on our nightstand
.
That looks good, but if youtouch it it'll expose a massive
(11:15):
crack.
So, as you hear us talkingtoday and us getting vulnerable,
you're probably thinking toyourself well, wait a second,
what about my life, what aboutmy marriage?
And maybe that's you today,maybe that's your marriage.
It looks good on the outside,but on the inside it's just a
rack, like things are broken andthey're barely holding together
.
You've got this image on theoutside, but, man, things are
(11:37):
rough on the inside, and so wejust want to kind of give you a
couple examples of what thatcould look like.
You know, maybe you'relistening You're like I don't
have a clue.
What do you mean, travis andDon?
What are you getting at?
Well, part of those cracks in amarriage could be that the
communication is flowing, butwhen you hit on certain areas or
topics, suddenly those cracksin your marriage are exposed.
(11:58):
Why?
Because that's when thecommunication breaks down or
stops.
It's like you have really goodcommunication, but, man, when
the conflict hits now, there'slike it's not functional, it's
dysfunctional.
It could also be a lack ofunderstanding or empathy.
I mean, man, those would behuge cracks, those are big
problems, yet how do you seeempathy or a lack of
(12:22):
understanding?
They're not visible.
They're like those cracks thatare hidden, and that is
something that can really damagea relationship.
Why?
Because when one person doesn't, or they're not willing to try
to understand the other, wow,there's just going to be a
really, really far gulf thatseparates them.
It could be another exampleYou're only honest with your
(12:43):
spouse to a point, but you'renot fully honest on the harder
topics.
Dawn Rosinger (12:47):
Yeah, brutal honesty would be hard, like
sometimes.
And obviously when you don'thave that brutal honesty, that
is a sign that your marriage isstruggling, that there is a
crack.
You have to have that brutalhonesty.
But we all get to a point wheresometimes you're like, oh, I'm
only going to say this partialtruth, but then if you're only
saying a partial truth, thenpart of it's a lie, that's just
(13:07):
a crack.
That's there that has to bedealt with.
Travis Rosinger (13:10):
Yeah, these are examples that are a living
reality in many marriages ofthose of you that are listening.
It could also be inflexibilityor stubbornness, like everything
looks good on the outside butyou're never willing to bend in
your marriage, or you're juststubborn, you dig in your heels
and you only see things your way, or you're not willing to be
flexible or try somethingdifferent.
(13:30):
Or maybe your crack in yourmarriage is anger, and it's the
first emotion that youexperience, or you feel when
you're having conflict or adisagreement, and none of that
goes well.
And so those are just somequick examples of some cracks
that could be in the marriagesof all of us you and I Don, but
also in everybody that'slistening.
Dawn Rosinger (13:50):
And maybe you have experienced some of those
cracks before, or maybe they'rethere and they're hidden and
you're trying to hide them, ormaybe they're fully exposed.
But what should you do when youget to a point where your
marriage is just cracked, whereit's broken, where it's falling
apart?
If you pick it up, kind of likea lamp, and it just completely
falls apart?
What should we do?
Well, the first thing that weshould do if we realize that
(14:12):
there is this crack in ourmarriage is just don't ignore it
.
Admit that something is wrongand that it is time to address
it and fix it.
Honestly, there's a quote.
It's an anonymous quote and itsays if you change nothing,
nothing will change.
So, if you see a crack, don'tignore it.
Honestly, nothing will everchange.
(14:33):
Admit that something is wrong.
Travis Rosinger (14:35):
Yeah, I kind of like the lamp.
I mean, we kind of talked aboutthis.
I ended up buying a tube ofsuper glue, but, as you can tell
, as you, found out the otherday, don, when you were cleaning
and you bumped that you know,kind of went to move my lamp on
my nightstand, boom, it likeflew apart yeah.
So I did nothing and nothingchanged right.
Dawn Rosinger (14:55):
You know once, once you get to a point where
you're not ignoring it, you'readmitting that something is
wrong.
Then expose the crack, like,break it open a little bit more,
communicate your need or desireto fix it to your spouse, say,
hey, I see this in our marriage.
I would love to see ourmarriage get fixed in this area.
Let them know it's time to dowhat it takes to fully repair
(15:17):
what is broken.
So for you, travis, like I needto be like hey, I need a new
lamp.
When it comes to the lamp, Ineed this lamp.
Expose the crack that's inthere and honestly deal with it.
Travis Rosinger (15:29):
Say, let's, let's fully repair what is
broken or get a new one, one ofthe two.
But yeah, yeah, I think what'simportant about exposing the
crack is, you know, when I cometo you, don um, or you come to
me, we need to own our piece.
We do not have to be a fingerpointing session, but we need to
say, hey, this is an issue withour marriage and, by the way,
here's, here's my baggage,here's the things that I'm doing
(15:53):
that are not helping, that Iwant to change.
Would you be willing to meet mehalfway?
Would you be willing to help me?
And there's something reallypowerful about two people coming
together and saying, okay,we're going to expose it, get
honest.
And then really, the next stepis to do the work, to fix it.
So don't just put glue on it ora bandaid.
Find a permanent solution andthat's that.
(16:13):
Buy a new one.
that we've kind of been talkingabout.
So marriage expert John Gottman, he says this we repeat what we
don't repair.
So I think the big thing islet's get this fixed once and
for all, so we'd have to dealwith it again.
And part of that really has alot to do with communication and
(16:34):
habits and implementing thesolution and not reverting back
to old ways, letting go of oldways.
Dawn Rosinger (16:41):
I think sometimes finding a permanent solution
honestly might be including amarriage counselor or a marriage
therapist in to help you find asolution.
If you're at a point in yourmarriage where it's really
broken and that crack is superdeep, pull someone in.
That's an expert that can helpyou.
Just sit down and figure out asolution.
If maybe it's not quite as deepand it's something that you can
(17:01):
do together, just stop and go.
Okay, we want to fix this.
What are we willing to do rightnow to make sure that this
isn't a part of our marriage inthe future?
Travis Rosinger (17:10):
Yeah, and another piece of that is just
keep looking for cracks.
It's easier to fix a smallcrack than to have a repair an
entire foundation, and so peopledo that with their houses.
They just keep an eye on theirfoundation and they really try
to be careful, like, okay, we'regoing to take care of this so
it doesn't basically compromisethe whole strength of the house.
(17:31):
So keep evaluating andcommunicating, inspecting your
marriage on a regular basis.
Dawn Rosinger (17:37):
Honestly, if bad attitudes are creeping in, or if
there's sarcasm that's creepingin, or if you're getting to a
point where you don't feel likeyou can be honest, those are the
cracks for trying to make surethat you're looking for.
If you're looking for there's acommunication breakdown and
you're like man, that's a crack.
Look for those cracks, evenstart when they get them.
Grab them when they're small sothat you don't have to repair
the whole entire foundation.
(17:59):
I think, lastly, the mostimportant thing is just be
confident that God can make allthings new.
His mercies are new everymorning, no matter the situation
or how big the crack is.
With God, all things arepossible.
So don't ever give up.
Just because you have a crackdoesn't mean that it can't be
fixed.
Lamentations 3.22 says thesteadfast love of the Lord never
(18:22):
ceases.
His mercies never come to anend.
They are new every morning.
Great is your faithfulness.
Again, be confident that Godcan make all things new.
On your own you may not be ableto fix it, but, man with God
and with you both working on it,you can fix it.
Don't give up.
Travis Rosinger (18:39):
Yeah, and this is just saying look God's love,
it isn't wavering, it'ssteadfast, it's always there, it
doesn't disappear on you andhis mercies, man.
They just keep coming, oneright after another.
And so what is this talkingabout?
It's talking about positivityin marriage, positivity in your
faith for what God can give you.
Well, god can do a new thing inyour life and in your marriage.
(19:02):
God can help you fix that crackand replace that lamp or
whatever it is in your marriage,whatever that looks like, and
make things new.
So, here's the key.
Do you believe that?
Do you believe that?
If you believe that, then starttaking some of these steps.
Add some of your own in thereand do what it takes.
(19:23):
Meet your spouse halfway andown those pieces and then come
up with a plan with your spouseto make sure that you're
repairing it.
Dawn Rosinger (19:31):
Travis, I just have to ask you a question real
quick before we end.
What's that?
Well, next time I clean ourbedroom and I move the lamp, can
I just get a new lamp Can?
You just buy us a new lamp, butthey have to be matching, so I
need two new lamps.
Travis Rosinger (19:45):
Why?
Dawn Rosinger (19:45):
do we have a lamp that has this big crack in it?
Now everyone knows, and they'regoing to come in our bedroom
and look at the crack.
They're going to pick it up andlike it.
We just need a new lamp.
Travis Rosinger (19:54):
What's up with this guy?
Why does he have a broken lampnext to his bed?
Dawn Rosinger (19:58):
This whole entire episode was hey, I just need a
new lamp.
No, I'm just kidding, I'm not,I'm totally kidding.
Travis Rosinger (20:04):
And honestly, it's up to you.
You can, I can use the tube ofglue and finally finally repair
it.
Finally fix it, or I'll go buytwo new lamps.
It's up to you, but we do wantto make sure that that doesn't
bust apart on you again.
Dawn Rosinger (20:16):
Absolutely, when you guys remember you can do it.
So we just want to make surethat you don't give up.
If you see that crack anywherecoming in, man, just stop and go
ahead and do the work to fix it.
Well, with that, we want tothank you for listening to this
episode of the Loving the FightMarriage Podcast.
Remember, guys, you can do it.
You got this.
Keep loving the fight.
We'll see you next time.
(20:36):
Thank you.
Hey everyone, welcome to the Loving the Fight
Marriage Podcast.
My name is Travis and I'mhanging out here with my wife
and my co-host, dawn.
Dawn Rosinger (00:21):
Hey everyone.
We are sitting here today andactually we are covering from a
food coma that we had fromyesterday because, yesterday was
Easter and we feasted on someamazing food.
Travis Rosinger (00:34):
It was so good.
Tons of roast beef.
I think we bought an 80 poundroast I'm kidding, but wow, it
was huge.
And then we had carrots andpotatoes, mashed potatoes, and
then just all the fixings to gowith a huge roast.
And really fun time, though,with our family and just
celebrating Easter.
Jesus has risen from the grave.
(00:56):
The tomb is empty, and so justhaving a great time together.
Dawn Rosinger (01:01):
Easter week is definitely one of our favorite
weeks.
We get to spend a lot of timewith a lot of different people.
Our church has quite a fewEaster services and so, man, I
got to meet new people, got tojust talk with other people all
the volunteers and see somereally cool things, while
remembering one of the greatestthings that Jesus ever did for
(01:21):
us.
And just the resurrection ofhim is incredible.
Travis Rosinger (01:26):
Yeah, so important Really.
Let's be honest, there wouldn'tbe Christianity, there wouldn't
be faith if Jesus was laid inthe tomb and he never rose from
the grave.
Like that's really the verypivotal, like most important
thing about Christianity isJesus is alive.
He's alive and to be able tocelebrate that Dawn I think you
(01:47):
had almost 4,000 at your campus,I had almost 2,000 at mine, and
part of why I'm saying that iswe love people and so to just
smile at that many people and totalk to them and wish them a
happy Easter, we got reallycharged up and so that was a lot
of fun.
But also the gospel was clearlyshared, just that Jesus is
(02:10):
alive and that he saves everyone.
He loves everyone.
Dawn Rosinger (02:12):
Right, it's just honestly.
It's amazing just to rememberall that Jesus did for us and
celebrate with people you knowwhat he did, but then afterwards
we get to celebrate with familyand just really just take time
to stop and recognize you know,talk about our faith, recognize
all that Jesus did, but then weget to eat food and hang out
with some incredible people inthe process and celebrate
(02:34):
together.
Travis Rosinger (02:34):
So you can't get better than that.
Dawn Rosinger (02:36):
Jesus, people and amazing food.
Travis Rosinger (02:39):
And our relatives, our family.
So good.
Now, there was a very specialguest yesterday at our Easter
dinner table.
It made a cameo and kind ofstayed around for a while.
What am I talking about?
There was this bowl that mydaughter made and it was filled
with banana pudding.
But it's a banana puddingrecipe.
(03:00):
That's not just, like you know,quick instant banana pudding
out of a box and then that's it.
No, this was like layered withtons of what do you call?
it Bananas and vanilla wafers.
Oh, I love vanilla wafers,vanilla wafers dipped in vanilla
frosting.
It was phenomenal, something Idream about at night.
Dawn Rosinger (03:22):
No, but the vanilla pudding, the banana
pudding, I'm sorry, wasphenomenal, Something I dream
about at night.
No, but the vanilla pudding,the banana pudding, I'm sorry,
was phenomenal.
Such a good dessert that we had.
It's funny because I boughtsome homemade or some brownies
not homemade, but I bought somebrownies that I thought would be
good.
They couldn't compare theypaled this banana pudding.
So that was just a fun dessert.
Travis Rosinger (03:41):
Yeah, it was so delicious and it was just great
that she made the bananapudding itself.
It was homemade and so that'spart of why it was so good and
so delicious.
Dawn Rosinger (03:51):
And so that's why we are recovering today, right?
Travis Rosinger (03:54):
Yes, there's still a rock in my stomach,
that's in our stomach.
Dawn Rosinger (03:57):
We didn't do the traditional ham, we did roast,
like Travis said.
But man, such a great weekend,like extended weekend, and then
we get this extra bonus day off.
Travis Rosinger (04:06):
Yeah, and so for those of you that listen all
the time or maybe this is yourfirst time listening you were
like, hey, why is Travis and Dontalking about their lives or
what happened with their weekend?
Well, guys, honestly, when wejust started this, you know, a
couple of years back, three,four years ago we just decided
we're, you know, we just want tobe ourselves, we're real people
and we just want to make sure,you know, we're just living
(04:28):
regular life, just like you are,and so we try to be real.
We want to keep you updated onwhat's new in our lives, but we
love you, guys, and we are sograteful that you are listening.
Dawn Rosinger (04:38):
Right, yep, it's such an honor and a treat to
have you with us each week.
You know, a few weeks ago wewere preparing to have some
company over to our house andour house is generally pretty
clean.
I mean, we don't have a lot ofclutter, I don't like a lot of
extra things, but still there'sdirt that comes in somehow, even
though we don't wear our shoesin our house.
But there's dirt, and so I waspreparing for some company.
(04:59):
So I was wiping everything down.
I had my you know mydisinfectant out, but then my
you, I beat everything down.
I had my disinfectant out, butthen all my cloths, and just
getting rid of the extra dust.
So I'd finished the kitchen andI went into the bathrooms and I
moved on into our bedroom.
Well, in our bedroom we havetwo matching lamps that are on
our nightstands, which are oneon each side of the bed, and I
began to wipe down thenightstands and then I quickly
(05:22):
moved the lamp your lamp Travisactually on your nightstand.
And then I quickly moved thelamp, your lamp Travis, actually
on your nightstand and suddenlyit completely fell apart, like
it did, and I was like it kindof shocked me because I was like
oh no, I just broke the lamp,but that's when I remembered
that you actually had brokenthat lamp right after I had
(05:42):
bought these matching lamps andI remember I was really bummed
but since they were matching,you did your best to put it back
together, this lamp.
You didn't use glue, but youwere able to kind of piece it
back together, and as long asyou didn't touch it, it was fine
it looks perfect.
It still worked.
You can still turn it on andoff, but again, you just
couldn't touch it and it reallylooks like there's nothing wrong
(06:05):
with it.
You can't even really see thecracks unless you look really
close.
Travis Rosinger (06:08):
It's actually bizarre, but yeah, it's like
actually broken into what likefive, six pieces, but you put it
together and it's like whoa,that's a really nice lamp, but
it's trash.
Dawn Rosinger (06:19):
It's cracked and messed up and honestly it looks
so good when you put it backtogether that I just totally
forgot that it had this majorcrack in it, but it really it is
still broken.
Well, the minute that thishappened, I kind of you know it
shocked me and then I laughedand then suddenly this thought,
this random thought, came intomy mind and I just thought you
know what this is exactly likepeople sometimes and many
(06:44):
marriages.
They look good on the surface,kind of like this lamp did, and
you would never think thatanything is wrong with them, but
then something suddenly getsmoved slightly or something gets
out of place and this massivecrack is exposed and really
they're falling apart.
So again, looking at this lamp,picking it up, and it's
completely fell apart, likethat's what some people's lives
(07:06):
look like, that's what somemarriages look like.
And I know honestly that's kindof what I have been at certain
times in my life, times whenlife has just been difficult and
I just put on a smile and tellpeople that I'm just fine, but
in that life is good, but reallyon the inside that's not what's
happening.
I know, specifically about 10years ago I remember I had a job
(07:27):
, I applied for a job.
I thought it was going to be mydream job.
I was so excited for this joband then I started it and it was
horrible.
It was not what I expected.
It's not what the jobdescription said.
It was.
Honestly, it was miserable.
I ended up resigning from thatjob just in a few months.
But part of it, part of me,just kind of.
When my job ended, I felt likea part of me died with it as
(07:51):
well, kind of like a dream haddied inside of myself and I
remember people kept asking mehey, are you okay, are you okay?
And I'm I'm like, yeah, nope,I'm fine, but on the inside part
of me was broken, kind of likethat lamp.
Travis Rosinger (08:08):
And it wasn't until you move certain parts of
me that you could actually seethe cracks.
But I was trying to cover it upwith everything within me.
Yeah, you know, I have asimilar situation to Don, or
experience, and I know you knowit well.
But there was a moment in mylife where I was working at a
specific place and there wasjust this difficult person there
.
And you know, I I love them andthey seem like they kind of had
some issues kind of going on intheir life and uh, but what was
(08:30):
wild was they were making itdifficult for everybody around
them.
So, yeah, they had issues intheir own life but rather than,
like you know, go to a therapistor work on it with God, um,
they were letting that spill outto so many people around them.
And it was just really hardbecause it's like, oh, you know,
I love this person, I want themto get better, I don't want
(08:50):
them to struggle, I want what'sbest for them, but yet they're
hurting all these people aroundthem.
And you know, at the same time,I'm just trying to do a great
job.
You know, I'm just trying tomodel Jesus and work hard and,
you know, grow God's kingdom,and so it was challenging for me
.
So I mean, I would show up towork and I'd be smiling and
happy because I'm just kind of ahappy guy, but deep inside I'm
(09:13):
like oh, this is really, reallytough.
You know, I'm trying to havethat right image on the outside
where I'm not bringing everybodydown, but I'm really struggling
on the inside, being aroundthis person and their toxic
behavior, and you know how it'sspilling out to everyone around
them.
Dawn Rosinger (09:27):
I think we can definitely all relate to a time
or think of a story when, man,you know, on the outside we
appeared that everything wasokay, but really honestly, on
the inside we were falling apart.
There's cracks everywhere.
We're just not doing well butwe're not willing to admit it.
Kind of like that lamp, youjust put it back together and
just hope it holds right.
Travis Rosinger (09:44):
Oh, exactly, and, Dawn, I know you grew up in
a house where you saw yourparents' marriage and it was
difficult.
At times it got messy.
But week in and week out,you've told me, and I was
actually a part of your lifeback then, you guys would hop in
the car and you would go tochurch and you would show up and
you were this beautiful familyand yet no one actually knew
(10:07):
what was going on inside of yourhearts, but also inside of your
home, and how difficult thethings were between your mom and
dad, but also in your family,and so it was a good cover-up in
terms of you know, it's kind oflike that lamp where it looks
great as long as you don't touchit, but underneath there's all
these cracks and it just isfalling apart and your guys'
(10:28):
lives were falling apart.
Dawn Rosinger (10:29):
It's interesting because I know we had just
started dating at that point andI wasn't going to spill to you
like all of the things that weregoing on in my house.
So on the outside it definitelyappeared that we were pretty
you know, it was pretty goodfamily and going the right
direction.
But honestly, there were somany cracks, it was so broken
and eventually I was able toopen up to you and you could see
it.
But you firsthand got to seehow we were trying to just look
(10:51):
like life was normal, but reallyon that side it wasn't.
Travis Rosinger (10:53):
It wasn't no.
But you know, we're trying tobe vulnerable.
As we're sharing these storieson this episode today and I know
that this hasn't just been usand our families I think that
many people are not fine.
Many people are kind of likethe lamp again on our nightstand
.
That looks good, but if youtouch it it'll expose a massive
(11:15):
crack.
So, as you hear us talkingtoday and us getting vulnerable,
you're probably thinking toyourself well, wait a second,
what about my life, what aboutmy marriage?
And maybe that's you today,maybe that's your marriage.
It looks good on the outside,but on the inside it's just a
rack, like things are broken andthey're barely holding together
.
You've got this image on theoutside, but, man, things are
(11:37):
rough on the inside, and so wejust want to kind of give you a
couple examples of what thatcould look like.
You know, maybe you'relistening You're like I don't
have a clue.
What do you mean, travis andDon?
What are you getting at?
Well, part of those cracks in amarriage could be that the
communication is flowing, butwhen you hit on certain areas or
topics, suddenly those cracksin your marriage are exposed.
(11:58):
Why?
Because that's when thecommunication breaks down or
stops.
It's like you have really goodcommunication, but, man, when
the conflict hits now, there'slike it's not functional, it's
dysfunctional.
It could also be a lack ofunderstanding or empathy.
I mean, man, those would behuge cracks, those are big
problems, yet how do you seeempathy or a lack of
(12:22):
understanding?
They're not visible.
They're like those cracks thatare hidden, and that is
something that can really damagea relationship.
Why?
Because when one person doesn't, or they're not willing to try
to understand the other, wow,there's just going to be a
really, really far gulf thatseparates them.
It could be another exampleYou're only honest with your
(12:43):
spouse to a point, but you'renot fully honest on the harder
topics.
Dawn Rosinger (12:47):
Yeah, brutal honesty would be hard, like
sometimes.
And obviously when you don'thave that brutal honesty, that
is a sign that your marriage isstruggling, that there is a
crack.
You have to have that brutalhonesty.
But we all get to a point wheresometimes you're like, oh, I'm
only going to say this partialtruth, but then if you're only
saying a partial truth, thenpart of it's a lie, that's just
(13:07):
a crack.
That's there that has to bedealt with.
Travis Rosinger (13:10):
Yeah, these are examples that are a living
reality in many marriages ofthose of you that are listening.
It could also be inflexibilityor stubbornness, like everything
looks good on the outside butyou're never willing to bend in
your marriage, or you're juststubborn, you dig in your heels
and you only see things your way, or you're not willing to be
flexible or try somethingdifferent.
(13:30):
Or maybe your crack in yourmarriage is anger, and it's the
first emotion that youexperience, or you feel when
you're having conflict or adisagreement, and none of that
goes well.
And so those are just somequick examples of some cracks
that could be in the marriagesof all of us you and I Don, but
also in everybody that'slistening.
Dawn Rosinger (13:50):
And maybe you have experienced some of those
cracks before, or maybe they'rethere and they're hidden and
you're trying to hide them, ormaybe they're fully exposed.
But what should you do when youget to a point where your
marriage is just cracked, whereit's broken, where it's falling
apart?
If you pick it up, kind of likea lamp, and it just completely
falls apart?
What should we do?
Well, the first thing that weshould do if we realize that
(14:12):
there is this crack in ourmarriage is just don't ignore it
.
Admit that something is wrongand that it is time to address
it and fix it.
Honestly, there's a quote.
It's an anonymous quote and itsays if you change nothing,
nothing will change.
So, if you see a crack, don'tignore it.
Honestly, nothing will everchange.
(14:33):
Admit that something is wrong.
Travis Rosinger (14:35):
Yeah, I kind of like the lamp.
I mean, we kind of talked aboutthis.
I ended up buying a tube ofsuper glue, but, as you can tell
, as you, found out the otherday, don, when you were cleaning
and you bumped that you know,kind of went to move my lamp on
my nightstand, boom, it likeflew apart yeah.
So I did nothing and nothingchanged right.
Dawn Rosinger (14:55):
You know once, once you get to a point where
you're not ignoring it, you'readmitting that something is
wrong.
Then expose the crack, like,break it open a little bit more,
communicate your need or desireto fix it to your spouse, say,
hey, I see this in our marriage.
I would love to see ourmarriage get fixed in this area.
Let them know it's time to dowhat it takes to fully repair
(15:17):
what is broken.
So for you, travis, like I needto be like hey, I need a new
lamp.
When it comes to the lamp, Ineed this lamp.
Expose the crack that's inthere and honestly deal with it.
Travis Rosinger (15:29):
Say, let's, let's fully repair what is
broken or get a new one, one ofthe two.
But yeah, yeah, I think what'simportant about exposing the
crack is, you know, when I cometo you, don um, or you come to
me, we need to own our piece.
We do not have to be a fingerpointing session, but we need to
say, hey, this is an issue withour marriage and, by the way,
here's, here's my baggage,here's the things that I'm doing
(15:53):
that are not helping, that Iwant to change.
Would you be willing to meet mehalfway?
Would you be willing to help me?
And there's something reallypowerful about two people coming
together and saying, okay,we're going to expose it, get
honest.
And then really, the next stepis to do the work, to fix it.
So don't just put glue on it ora bandaid.
Find a permanent solution andthat's that.
(16:13):
Buy a new one.
that we've kind of been talkingabout.
So marriage expert John Gottman, he says this we repeat what we
don't repair.
So I think the big thing islet's get this fixed once and
for all, so we'd have to dealwith it again.
And part of that really has alot to do with communication and
(16:34):
habits and implementing thesolution and not reverting back
to old ways, letting go of oldways.
Dawn Rosinger (16:41):
I think sometimes finding a permanent solution
honestly might be including amarriage counselor or a marriage
therapist in to help you find asolution.
If you're at a point in yourmarriage where it's really
broken and that crack is superdeep, pull someone in.
That's an expert that can helpyou.
Just sit down and figure out asolution.
If maybe it's not quite as deepand it's something that you can
(17:01):
do together, just stop and go.
Okay, we want to fix this.
What are we willing to do rightnow to make sure that this
isn't a part of our marriage inthe future?
Travis Rosinger (17:10):
Yeah, and another piece of that is just
keep looking for cracks.
It's easier to fix a smallcrack than to have a repair an
entire foundation, and so peopledo that with their houses.
They just keep an eye on theirfoundation and they really try
to be careful, like, okay, we'regoing to take care of this so
it doesn't basically compromisethe whole strength of the house.
(17:31):
So keep evaluating andcommunicating, inspecting your
marriage on a regular basis.
Dawn Rosinger (17:37):
Honestly, if bad attitudes are creeping in, or if
there's sarcasm that's creepingin, or if you're getting to a
point where you don't feel likeyou can be honest, those are the
cracks for trying to make surethat you're looking for.
If you're looking for there's acommunication breakdown and
you're like man, that's a crack.
Look for those cracks, evenstart when they get them.
Grab them when they're small sothat you don't have to repair
the whole entire foundation.
(17:59):
I think, lastly, the mostimportant thing is just be
confident that God can make allthings new.
His mercies are new everymorning, no matter the situation
or how big the crack is.
With God, all things arepossible.
So don't ever give up.
Just because you have a crackdoesn't mean that it can't be
fixed.
Lamentations 3.22 says thesteadfast love of the Lord never
(18:22):
ceases.
His mercies never come to anend.
They are new every morning.
Great is your faithfulness.
Again, be confident that Godcan make all things new.
On your own you may not be ableto fix it, but, man with God
and with you both working on it,you can fix it.
Don't give up.
Travis Rosinger (18:39):
Yeah, and this is just saying look God's love,
it isn't wavering, it'ssteadfast, it's always there, it
doesn't disappear on you andhis mercies, man.
They just keep coming, oneright after another.
And so what is this talkingabout?
It's talking about positivityin marriage, positivity in your
faith for what God can give you.
Well, god can do a new thing inyour life and in your marriage.
(19:02):
God can help you fix that crackand replace that lamp or
whatever it is in your marriage,whatever that looks like, and
make things new.
So, here's the key.
Do you believe that?
Do you believe that?
If you believe that, then starttaking some of these steps.
Add some of your own in thereand do what it takes.
(19:23):
Meet your spouse halfway andown those pieces and then come
up with a plan with your spouseto make sure that you're
repairing it.
Dawn Rosinger (19:31):
Travis, I just have to ask you a question real
quick before we end.
What's that?
Well, next time I clean ourbedroom and I move the lamp, can
I just get a new lamp Can?
You just buy us a new lamp, butthey have to be matching, so I
need two new lamps.
Travis Rosinger (19:45):
Why?
Dawn Rosinger (19:45):
do we have a lamp that has this big crack in it?
Now everyone knows, and they'regoing to come in our bedroom
and look at the crack.
They're going to pick it up andlike it.
We just need a new lamp.
Travis Rosinger (19:54):
What's up with this guy?
Why does he have a broken lampnext to his bed?
Dawn Rosinger (19:58):
This whole entire episode was hey, I just need a
new lamp.
No, I'm just kidding, I'm not,I'm totally kidding.
Travis Rosinger (20:04):
And honestly, it's up to you.
You can, I can use the tube ofglue and finally finally repair
it.
Finally fix it, or I'll go buytwo new lamps.
It's up to you, but we do wantto make sure that that doesn't
bust apart on you again.
Dawn Rosinger (20:16):
Absolutely, when you guys remember you can do it.
So we just want to make surethat you don't give up.
If you see that crack anywherecoming in, man, just stop and go
ahead and do the work to fix it.
Well, with that, we want tothank you for listening to this
episode of the Loving the FightMarriage Podcast.
Remember, guys, you can do it.
You got this.
Keep loving the fight.
We'll see you next time.
(20:36):
Thank you.
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