April 27, 2024 • 36 mins
Have you ever found yourself cycling back to an ex, despite swearing you turned that final corner? Join us, Terrance and Sandy, as we lace up our running shoes and pedal into the heart of on-off relationships. Our recent Lunch with Sandy podcast episode is a roadmap through the rocky terrain of love's loop-de-loops, where we share hearty laughs, personal tales, and the surprising statistics that might just make sense of those reunion urges.
As the wheels keep turning, we ponder the peculiar pull of the past. Why do some couples repeatedly hit the brakes only to reignite the engine? From the gravitational force of comfort and familiarity to the push of loneliness and societal pressures, we unpack the cargo of emotions that can reroute ex-partners back into each other's orbits. Listen to how family influences and the unresolved issues from the last breakup can echo in these decisions, and join the conversation as we consider whether some relationships deserve the second—or fifth—chance they're given.
Strap on your helmet for the final leg of our journey as we shift into the necessity of self-reflection post-breakup. Through anecdotes and personal insights, we spotlight the wear and tear on self-esteem and trust that can emerge from a series of romantic roundabouts. We share our thoughts on personal growth, the significance of spotting recurring patterns, and how to navigate the emotional turbulence that comes with a fluctuating relationship. So, whether you're on a tandem bike with your on-again, off-again partner or riding solo, we're here to accompany you through the landscapes of love and self-discovery.
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Episode Transcript
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Announcer (00:01):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:23):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:44):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer insight
from the perspective of amarried couple.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:54):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:55):
And today we'll be discussing the on and off again
cycle in some relationships.
But before we dive into that,please remember to follow the
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also be sure to follow the showon all social media platforms.
At Lunch with Sandy what areyou doing over there, sandy?
Sandy (01:18):
I don't know, trying to stay warm.
Terrance (01:21):
Well, you were fiddling with your sleeve and I
was trying to figure out whatthe hell was going on.
Sandy (01:24):
I was putting my thumbs through my little thumb holes.
Is that a running shirt?
Terrance (01:29):
Technically, I think it's a yoga shirt, but Okay,
yeah, because you can't run in ashirt like that.
Sandy (01:34):
What are you talking about?
Terrance (01:35):
First off, you would spend the whole time running
trying to fix the goddamnshoulder.
The thing is falling off yourshoulder there.
That is definitely not arunning shirt.
Sandy (01:42):
It is meant to do that though.
Terrance (01:46):
No, running shirt is meant to interfere with your
stride, which causes your armsto go back and forth, which?
Sandy (01:52):
that shirt will definitely do.
What if my shoulder is hot andit wants some air to breathe?
Terrance (01:58):
Then you're going to end up looking like a lobster or
crab, because you have oneshoulder out in the sun and it's
going to actually burn.
Sandy (02:08):
But I do need more running shirts with the holes.
My older ones do not have that.
I need more shirts in general.
Terrance (02:15):
I probably shouldn't have bought that bike today, but
hey, I'm going to live it up.
Sandy (02:19):
Yeah, that's another topic, I guess in the future
that's another topic, I guess inthe future.
Terrance (02:24):
No, we're not going to have any topics where we
discuss what I need to make surethat I am staying healthy.
So I'll be here for you and thekids in the long run.
Well, I that is not a topic ofdiscussion.
Sandy (02:36):
I would say most people would argue you only need one
bike.
Terrance (02:39):
That's not true.
No cyclists.
Right Well no cyclists wouldtell you you True, no, cyclist,
right?
Well, no cyclist will tell youyou need just one bike.
Sandy (02:45):
To be healthy is one.
Terrance (02:48):
So let me break it down before we get too much into
the side.
So there are different types ofbikes, yeah, for different
types of activities, right, andthe bike that I got today is for
climbing for elevation, which,you, you know, I do a lot of
Right, is that not true?
That is accurate.
(03:09):
That bike right there is forspeed, which, again, we do a lot
of.
Sandy (03:18):
We were just finally even , and now you had to one-up me.
Terrance (03:24):
Nah, you know what?
We ain't never going to be,even Not until you get into it
like I'm into it.
You got a trainer now.
Sandy (03:33):
Yep.
Terrance (03:34):
And we're going way off topic.
But anyway, we need to get thisout of the way because you know
this is the lead in.
Sandy (03:40):
You have a trainer now Once you start using the trainer
at least twice a week.
Come talk to me.
Well, honestly, it was funnybecause I did go for my bike
fitting on my newer bike thisweek and he was asking me a lot
of questions and I was like Ihave no idea about how you
actually ride and what yourplans were, and stuff like that.
(04:02):
Yeah, like cause he also didlike a shoe fitting and he's
like you know your clips are alittle far back.
Was that done on purpose?
And I was like I don't think so.
And he's like oh, I was likeI'm pretty sure Terrence just
put them on.
Terrance (04:16):
Trying to throw me under the bus.
Sandy (04:17):
No, I mean like, like he put them on for me.
Terrance (04:29):
I I never adjusted them, yeah, yeah.
And first off, shout out tojohnny from johnny's place.
That's who you're talking about.
You can't actually say you cansay his name, okay.
Yes, you can say his name, yeah.
So the whole point of that is,you know, when he does the
fitting, he needs to knowcertain things he's like is that
comfortable?
Sandy (04:38):
and I was like I guess yeah yeah.
Terrance (04:41):
So when, when you can actually say with you, you know
confidence, that, yes, this iswhat I do, this is comfortable,
then we'll talk about yougetting another bike.
But that's not why we're heretoday and I'm glad that you know
you, I'm glad you got, I'm gladthat you got fitted and you
needed some parts for your bike,because that led me to find
(05:03):
enough some parts for your bike,because that led me to find
enough, led me to find aphenomenal deal on a bike.
And it's funny because you know, I was in Trek last Sunday.
Yeah, yeah, last Sunday.
I was in Trek last Sunday andthey had some bikes but nothing
caught my eye like this one thatcaught my eye.
So, anyway, that's neither herenor there.
Do you know we are in theMuffin man?
(05:23):
That's neither here nor there.
Do you know we are in theMuffin man?
No, I know you don't know theMuffin man, although every now
and then, a good muffin willtake you a long way.
Do you know that we're inbaseball season?
Sandy (05:33):
Yeah.
Terrance (05:35):
No, you didn't know that because you don't follow
baseball.
I don't follow baseball.
So sure we're in baseballseason right, okay, let me ask
you this question.
Sure, we're in baseball seasonright?
Okay, let me ask you thisquestion Do you know what the
cycle is in baseball, a baseballseason?
Do you know what?
the cycle is in baseball Runningaround the no, the cycle is
when you get a single, a double,a triple and a home run all in
(05:58):
the same game.
Oh yes, it's the cycle.
That cycle we're going to betalking about the cycle today.
Sandy (06:04):
Oh, I thought we already were.
Terrance (06:05):
No, we're talking about cycling and see this.
Let me tell you something thisis the Sandy that I need every
time we record, because you justtied all that in and I wasn't
even thinking about it.
I wasn't even going to whereyou got to step your game up
like you're doing today.
Yes, this is how the bike bikesall tied in.
(06:26):
Look at that, you good today,you good.
Today, we're going to betalking about a different cycle
today.
The cycle that I want to talkabout today is the on again, off
again cycle, with relationships, right, when you're in a
situation where you break upwith somebody and then you get
(06:49):
back together with them and see,that's a concept that is very,
very.
It's foreign to me, it's foreignto me because you know, in the
past I've always treatedrelationships like a job, and
let me and let me explain what Imean.
You know when you go to workthere are certain things that
(07:10):
you know you have to do to be avaluable employee.
Yeah, I used to work at thisplace I'm not going to name the
place but we had this rule andthe rule was two days, no call,
no show, you got fired.
That's what I used to do in alot of relationships If I didn't
hear from somebody in two daysthat they didn't call and show
up in two days the relationshipwould be over, so you never
(07:34):
bothered asking if they were OK.
You know anything happened I wasyoung and 100 percent of the
time it was no situation and100% of the time it was no
situation where, well, there wasone time where one person was
actually, from what they say andfrom what their friends were
saying, they were actuallylocked up in Virginia.
But that's neither here northere.
We ain't going to get into thatbecause you know I've had a few
(08:02):
crazies in the past.
But the whole breaking up andmaking up thing and I will tell
you sidetrack, one of myfavorite songs is Break Up to
Make Up.
You know who sings itStylistics Break up to make up.
I'm not going to say I'mdestroying the song, but anyway,
that concept has been very,very foreign to me.
But it's not that I haven't seen, it has been very very foreign
(08:26):
to me, but it's not that Ihaven't seen it, I know.
You know I was in DC recentlyand you know when I every time I
go to DC, it reminds me of agood friend of mine.
I haven't talked to him in along time and his name is Lance,
and Lance used to be involvedwith a few people that he would
go through these cycles with andI could never understand it.
So you say the concept isforeign to you, but I'm going to
(08:46):
ask you are you one of thosepeople who've had that
experience with the wholebreaking up and getting back
together thing?
Sandy (08:55):
uh, no, usually once I break up with somebody, it's
done, it's over, like that's it,like I've put all my energy and
effort into it.
Terrance (09:06):
And once it's over, it's over.
So you never had a situationwhere you just said I'm done and
had regrets about it afterwardsand then went back.
Nope, Ironically, I did alittle bit of research on this
Forty to 50 percent of thepeople who are in relationships
have gotten back with an ex.
I think that's a staggeringnumber.
Sandy (09:27):
Yeah.
Terrance (09:28):
Well, from my perspective, I think it's a
staggering number and I think,whether or not—.
Sandy (09:35):
I wonder if there's an age behind it too.
Terrance (09:38):
Well, here's what I would say.
I think as you get older,there's not a whole bunch of
breaking up going on, and again,this is just my opinion.
I would imagine that you knowyou reach a certain point where
you know you're, you're in,you're stuck in your ways and
not everybody gonna accept youfor the way you are.
So those people who do, youprobably want to stick with them
(10:00):
well I.
Sandy (10:02):
I just wonder if it's you know, if young adults have the
tendency to do it more.
Terrance (10:11):
That was all well, you know so let's, let's talk about
, let's talk about possibly whyyou know because that would be
like one of my, my thoughts likeand the possibly, why, right?
The age?
Sandy (10:23):
I don't think, Well not their age, but like their
immaturity.
Terrance (10:28):
So I've always felt that you know if you're breaking
up with someone.
If you break up with someone,it's for there's a reason behind
it, Right?
So in my mind, I would neveryou know, I would never
entertain reconciliation,because you know, basically, if
I'm going to go through thiswhole process and say, all right
(10:50):
, I'm done, then I'm donebecause there's a whole mental
exhaustion aspect of doing thesame thing over and over.
But again, like I said, I'veknown people who have been in
that cycle for a very, very longtime with a number of different
actual people, and what I'vefound from my experience with
(11:11):
having conversations with themis it's like you ever eat this
is not the greatest analogy, butyou ever eat a bag of chips and
you have all these chips, right, and then when you think you're
done, there's all those littlecrumbs at the bottom of the bag.
Sandy (11:28):
Yep.
Terrance (11:29):
Right.
Sandy (11:30):
And the crumbs are awfully tasty.
Terrance (11:33):
The crumbs are tasty.
But from what I've been able togather and from the
conversations I've had, peopletend to get back together when
they have unfinished, unresolvedfeelings or lingering feelings
where they feel that you knowthey've gone through whatever
they've gone through, but theystill have feelings for that
actual person.
Sandy (11:53):
Right.
Terrance (11:54):
So I guess, if it's a situation where you still have
lingering feelings for someone,the question that I think you
have to answer is well, why'dyou break up with them in the
first place?
Because I think it's going tobe very rare where you're in a
situation where you break upwith someone and all those
(12:16):
feelings are cut off right there?
Sandy (12:18):
Yeah, for sure.
Well, and then that kind ofmakes me wonder is it lingering
feelings or is it more likealmost like lingering issues,
like you just weren't able tofinally realize that this is not
going any further.
So it's like unresolvedlingering issues?
(12:38):
You know what I mean, to whereyou know, like I said, for me
it's been like okay, it's I'vedone all these things and it's
it's not benefiting thisrelationship, so I'm done Like
there's no other option.
Terrance (12:57):
What brings you back?
Sandy (12:58):
Well, I know that's what I mean, like.
So maybe it's not justlingering feelings, because
you're always going to havethose, especially at the
beginning.
You know the feelings don't goaway until over time.
So I'm wondering is itlingering feelings, or can it
also be like lingeringunresolved issues, like you just
feel, like you just didn'tfigure stuff out.
Terrance (13:18):
I did have a friend again, and I'm not going to name
any of these people, but I didhave a friend who told me that
one of the reasons why theywould go back is because they
realized something in them thatthey didn't realize before.
And so it was one of thosesituations where they felt that
(13:38):
they weren't ready for, andagain they felt that they
weren't ready for, a certainlevel of commitment, and then
they felt that they grew, and sothen they went back to that
situation.
Sandy (13:52):
To see if it helped.
Terrance (13:54):
Well, not to see if it helped, but they felt that they
were ready for that level ofcommitment.
And then find out that theyweren't, and find out that they
weren't, and they left and thenthey came back.
They felt they grew a littlemore.
So I guess, from theperspective of if you feel that
you were in a situation whereyou weren't ready, and then
experience has taught you somethings and you feel like you've
(14:17):
grown, maybe you know you'regoing to give it another shot,
but I think in those situationsyou got to ask yourself whether
or not it was just you.
Sandy (14:25):
Right.
Terrance (14:25):
And I don't say that to blame that on the other
person, and I don't say that toblame that on the other person,
but I think sometimes we findexcuses and rather than say,
yeah, we were just pieces ofcrap, we say, well, I wasn't
ready.
And again, I'm not putting thison everyone, but I'm saying you
(14:46):
know, you really, when you startgoing through that cycle, you
really want to make sure that ifyou go back you examine why you
actually left, so you don'tactually end up repeating those
same things to bring you back towhere you are.
Sandy (15:02):
Well, right, I guess it would be.
Perhaps they just felt likethey needed space to figure
things out, like is it reallyworth it out?
Like is it really worth it?
But at the same time, I don'tknow, like, why break up?
(15:23):
Why not just say let's just youknow what I need a weekend get
away by myself.
Yeah, you know, but you knoweverybody's different.
I would think another reasonthis is the one that I could see
, probably the biggest one forme taking part of is when I get
so angry that my feelings justexplode and are overwhelming and
(15:48):
you become irrational.
But yeah, go ahead well, that'swhat the thing.
Well, that's honestly, that wasthe word I was going to use,
like I could see beingirrational to where I'm like,
forget it.
This isn't going to work outLike done.
Terrance (16:01):
Yeah.
So now let me ask you this,because you just said something
and so let's say that actuallyhas happened.
You're not getting back whenyou know that you were
irrational and you just Well,that's never happened, but I'm
saying this is the situation.
Sandy (16:16):
No, no, I know, I see it happening, like you know where
I'm just because, oh, you mightnot.
Terrance (16:21):
You might not be a member yet, but yeah, exactly do
we want to try this.
You might be the you you might,you might end up being the
president.
Sandy (16:32):
But you know, and then, after you know a day where the
deluge of emotions and feelingsrecede, you know, the volcano
has simmered back down, simmeredback down, like you know.
(16:58):
Wait, maybe at that point Iwould regret it and then see
that I was being irrational.
Terrance (17:00):
I think for some people there is a big issue with
commitment, and what I mean bythat is you know you get
involved with someone, it startsto progress and there's no real
issue from the relationshipperspective, but there's a real
issue with you being in fear ofbeing in an actual commitment
(17:22):
and so you know, you break upbecause of that fear and then
while you're well, I'm not, I'mnot because I mean I'm not using
, I'm not.
I'm not saying that for thefree pass, but I'm saying that
there are people who are afraidof commitment.
Sandy (17:37):
Well, yeah.
Terrance (17:38):
And so they get, they break up and they might not be
with anyone else.
You know, they might just beout there and just think they're
going to find something betteror whatever.
Sandy (17:46):
And then Realize the grass isn't always greener yeah.
Terrance (17:49):
And they go back, and then it's one of those things
where commitment is, one ofthose ones where I can see that
the cycle continues until youstart to actually look at
yourself and say, okay, well, amI truly ever going to be ready
for this?
Is this for me Right?
Because, again, if you're notwilling to commit, particularly
to someone who will that's theother side of the coin is okay.
(18:10):
Well, this other person keepstaking you back or getting back
with you.
So you know, I don't know whatthe dynamic is there and you
know that's a whole notherkettle of fish, as Barry Chipman
would say.
Sandy (18:24):
But no, that brings up.
So you have the fear ofcommitment and you have it where
.
Maybe it is that it's justtheir own internal fear and has
nothing to do with it.
But then I'm sure that thereare times where it's.
You know, people are lookingfor that free, free.
Listen just look, you know,something happens.
(18:44):
They're like that's it, andthen they, you know so little
sun, sun, and then come back.
Terrance (18:50):
So this whole episode we break up the makeup right and
then come back.
So this whole episode, break Upthe Makeup right.
It's one of those things where,because of the fact of the,
because of the topic that we'retalking about you, know, there's
a very slim margin or slimchance that you can go to the
dark side and you just did it.
You just found a way toactually.
You just found a way toactually, to say, well, you know
(19:10):
free pass.
Sandy (19:12):
I'm sure there are people Come on.
You don't think so that thereare people who just take the
opportunity there?
Terrance (19:19):
The world is a very vast place.
Yeah, exactly, I'm sure thatthere may be some people who are
out there, but the fact of thematter is, in order for them to
be able to do that, someone hasto be accepting them on the
other side, and maybe thatperson is getting the free pass
also.
Sandy (19:33):
Hey, to each their own.
Yeah, maybe it's like, hey,let's break up for a month so we
can both get a free hall back.
Terrance (19:39):
Okay.
Sandy (19:41):
I'll see you in a month.
Terrance (19:43):
I think what happens when you're in a situation like
that is you're used to beingwith someone and you're used to
things being a certain way.
And then you break up, and nowyou got to go through this whole
process of finding someone whois going to be equal.
So, because you're familiarwith someone in the process in a
relationship, sometimes beingfamiliar with that person is
(20:05):
what leads you back together.
Sandy (20:07):
Yeah, well, and then yeah , and I'm also thinking the
other one, which is maybe thereare real issues in your
relationship.
You recognize that.
Terrance (20:19):
I think there's real issues in all the reasons you
break up.
Sandy (20:22):
I mean, like you know, the right thing to do is break
up.
But your heart's telling youknow no, but you get like lonely
and you just don't have theenergy to invest into finding a
new relationship, that you justgo back.
Terrance (20:38):
Well, loneliness, so loneliness is is is a big
perpetrator, I think andsomething like that.
Sandy (20:46):
Well, we are socially animals.
We nobody wants to be lonely.
Terrance (20:50):
Yeah, and so loneliness for the most part.
Sandy (20:52):
There's a few hermits, I'm sure, out there.
Terrance (20:54):
It'll make you put up with a whole bunch of crap.
There's a big emotional journeythat you go on.
When you're involved withsomeone, yeah, and you know,
when you've had that experienceand then you're by yourself,
you're lonely, or you knowyou're with somebody else, yeah,
the experience is different andif you're yearning for that
(21:14):
same experience, you're going togo back to that actual person.
Sandy (21:17):
That just sounds like so much work.
Terrance (21:20):
What?
Going back to the same?
No, well, that's so laziness.
I'm going to put that onSandy's list.
Sandy (21:27):
I just honestly, I can't see myself ever getting back
into another relationship.
If something was to happen LikeI would just be done.
Terrance (21:36):
Well listen, every relationship is laziness.
I mean laziness.
Are you saying that you're inthis relationship because you're
lazy?
Every relationship requireswork.
Sandy (21:44):
You heard it here, folks.
No, it does.
But to start from scratch, likethat's just, I think I'm too
old for that.
Terrance (21:54):
I don't know she's putting numbers on herself.
I do think there are some timeswhere external factors will be
a part of or cause that cycle tocontinue.
Right, If you're involved withsomeone and you break up, your
family could be putting pressureon you to get back to them.
Sandy (22:16):
Oh yeah, like.
Oh, they were such a niceperson, like you know, and they
had all this going for them.
Like why would you break up,even though you know?
Again one of the situationswhere you know deep down inside
that you guys aren't meant to be, but everybody's telling you
how great they are and putting,like all this you know, stress
on you and then you're like Iguess I should just Well, and
(22:37):
particularly if they hit youwith, that you're not going to
find anybody better.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've had thatone, yeah, so.
Terrance (22:44):
I mean it could be family, you know, it could be
friends.
I mean, a lot of times it couldjust be society around.
And it's not that someone'ssaying anything is that if you
go everywhere whether it be onsocial media, restaurants,
wherever and you see couples,there's some and you're by
(23:04):
yourself.
There's some pressure.
You might not be willing toadmit it, but there's some
pressure to say, hey, listen, Iwant to be.
I don't be sitting here bymyself.
I'm posting pictures of myselfsmiling, pretending to be happy,
when you know.
Sandy (23:21):
Yeah.
Terrance (23:22):
I was.
I wasn't happy in thatrelationship, but I wasn't this
unhappy Right?
Sandy (23:27):
Yeah, exactly Like.
What level of happiness orunhappiness are you ready to
deal with?
But I can definitely see thefamily.
You know not to put my mom onblast, but she did tell me that
nobody was going to want meListen.
I love how you say not to putmy mom on blast but then you go
(23:48):
ahead and just blast her and Ijust walked away.
Terrance (23:53):
Mama, that's her, that's not me.
I'm not putting you on blast.
Sandy (23:59):
So yeah.
Terrance (24:01):
I feel that if you're in a relationship that goes this
cycle, you know you have toquestion the quality of
relationship that you'reactually in.
So do you feel that there aresituations where you would get
back to with someone after abreakup?
I know you said you knowbecause you're lazy, but I mean,
are there any other situationswhere you feel that you know you
(24:23):
would get back with someoneafter a breakup?
Sandy (24:26):
Oh, you know?
I think you answered it, yeah.
Terrance (24:29):
When you're being irrational yeah, when I know
it's all my fault and I was theculprit and the irrational one
would be definitely yes forthose of you who aren't lazy and
irrational, before you decideif you should get back to
someone, I think you really needto look at what is the actual
(24:50):
reason.
Well, what was the reason forthe actual breakup?
Right, because those reasonswill help you decide whether or
not you're going to end upbenefiting, you know, from any
type of reunions.
So the question you'd have toask yourself is this Did you
make a mistake?
Right ask yourself is this didyou make a mistake, right?
(25:14):
If you were irrational and youdid something without thinking
about it and you made a mistakeand that was the reason for the
breakup, then maybe you shouldconsider, you know, getting back
together.
The other question that youprobably want to ask is during
your time apart, right, haveboth parties grown or shown some
growth on both sides?
Because, again, if the breakupwasn't because of a mistake that
(25:40):
you made and there were actualissues, what is to say that
those issues won't crop up againif there isn't growth on both
sides?
And one other question that youprobably really want to ask is
do you have any regrets frombreaking up with that person?
(26:01):
Because you can be in asituation where you have issues,
right, yeah, but at the sametime, you can also have regrets
about the actual breakup itself.
The whole thing with issues is,once you identify them, if
you're both willing to put inthe work, you can work on
getting over those issues.
But I think it's a question ofwhether or not you're willing to
(26:22):
put in the work.
Sandy (26:23):
Yeah, well, I know for me , I'm always introspective, I'm
always reanalyzing why I saidthings that I said and did
things that I did.
I don't know if other people,it comes as easily to them, but
I feel like that's ultimatelywhat you have to do after the
(26:48):
breakup.
Like, okay, how am I feeling?
You know?
Is it that I really feel liketo your point, I made a mistake,
I really miss this person?
Like maybe they are my personin?
Was I just being you knowwhatever, or am I actually happy
we've yeah broken up, but Icould be lonely.
Terrance (27:11):
So here's what I will say, but be honest, like with
yourself.
Here's what I will say, and it'sall based off that little last
bit you did.
I would say ask yourself thosequestions after you've taken
some time, right, becauseimmediately when the breakup
happens you might be outdestroying some stuff, throwing
some stuff out, or whatever, oryou might be, you know, in a lot
(27:31):
of pain because you know youwere very close to this person.
Take some time, but then askyourself those questions,
because what those answers aregoing to give you is they're
going to give you an indicationas to whether or not there's any
patterns of behavior that aregoing to make you believe that
this pattern or this cycle isgoing to actually continue.
Sandy (27:50):
But you bring up a good point.
You definitely can't startasking yourself those questions.
Terrance (27:56):
I mean you, can you just not.
You might not get a good answer.
Sandy (27:59):
Right, you definitely need to take some time.
You know, go burn off some ofthat frustration and energy and
what other feelings you'refeeling.
Maybe go to like a kickboxingclass, you know.
But I, you know, I don't eventhink there's a time limit on it
for me.
I know I would at least need aday at at minimum to calm down.
(28:22):
Well, but you know everybody'slike different.
It might take a week, it mighttake a couple of weeks.
So I think that's where peopleneed to really give themselves
the time.
Terrance (28:34):
Well, you definitely want to take time because that
cycle can actually have animpact on you, right?
Relationships are full ofemotions and things that can
affect you mentally andphysically, and you know you
need to make sure that you're inthe right space during any
situation that you are goingthrough.
(28:56):
So what type of impact, youknow, do you think that being in
a relationship that's on again,off again can have on you?
Sandy (29:04):
For me it would just be exhausting.
Well, yeah.
Look, I agree with you 100there, it can be exhausting
point one, like I don't know,you know, and it's like, is it
even worth?
It is, I think, what I'd beasking myself, because I it
would just be like, just youknow, I don't know, but at the
(29:28):
same time you know, when you getinto an argument and you make
up, you know it can be nice andwell.
Terrance (29:34):
So you said argument yeah, yeah, there was no.
Sandy (29:37):
I know well because I've never been in the this cyclical
type of relationship, but I'mthinking like an argument
standpoint.
It has to be similar, like it'sall new and fresh.
Maybe initially you know what Imean.
Terrance (29:50):
You know what I just?
I just thought back and, and,and I'm going to say this, and
then I'll get back to how Ithink this can actually impact
you.
I was in a situation where Ibroke up with someone.
Uh, it was one of those thingswhere we decided to, to, to
split, and then we got backtogether and it just wasn't the
same.
(30:10):
And then I was just like I'mdone.
Sandy (30:13):
So different.
Like the reverse happened toyou, like to me.
It's like okay, well, maybe youget back together and you're
extra with one another.
No, because you know the thingabout.
Terrance (30:26):
it was the situation, the issue, the issues that we
had were still there.
Yeah, there was no growth, butanyway, I do think that going
through that actual cycle canhave a big impact on you,
depending on who you are, andparticularly, let's talk about
self-esteem.
For a second right.
If you're in a situation wheresomeone keeps breaking up with
(30:47):
you or you keep breaking up withsomeone, that can affect your
self-esteem because at somepoint during that continuous
cycle you have to ask yourselfis it me?
And you know when, when youhave to ask yourself that
there's a confidence issue there, you know you start to wonder
okay, well, am I not?
Am I am I not worthy?
(31:09):
You know is?
Is this going to be how all myfuture relationships are?
So I think, from a self-esteemperspective, you know that cycle
can be impactful.
Sandy (31:23):
Oh, for sure.
And then the next one would betrust.
Like I would start questioning,questioning, like why do we
keep breaking up?
And like is are they seeking ahall pass?
Like is that the only reason?
Like what's what's what's goingon here?
Like why I, like I just can'ttrust them, like what's the
point?
Terrance (31:44):
well, also, too, you know and you mentioned this, you
said it a little different whenwe're talking about right after
, there is a state.
You can go into a state ofdepression when you keep going
through these highs and lows,these on and offs again, and
there has to be some anxiety inthat whole situation.
Because you just said this Okay, well, you break up.
(32:04):
Is this person doing this toactually get a hall pass?
You know, are they going?
Are they just doing this sothey don't have to cheat on me?
And if that's the case, why arethey doing this?
Again, my self-confidence, myself-esteem, am I not good
enough for this person?
So I do think that you knowthere are some impactful issues
(32:25):
that can come up when you're inthat cycle, but I think I just
think that when you're puttingyourself through that, you have
to ask yourself a lot ofquestions and basically those
questions are to ascertainwhether or not this is healthy
for you and each person isdifferent, yeah, but again, you
need to make sure that,ultimately, you're doing the
(32:47):
things that are going to be bestfor you mentally and physically
.
Sandy (32:50):
Yeah, which is, I'm curious.
Everyone that I know that hasalways well, not always everyone
that I know that has takensomeone back.
Sooner or later it ends anyways.
I wonder, you know what theaverage?
Terrance (33:08):
time I I think.
I think there's two parts ofthat right.
I think the reason for thebreakup plays into that right
and I think that the so what wasI gonna say?
Sandy (33:20):
the reason, and then how I think the exhaustion level.
Terrance (33:27):
Well, I think the other part about it is when you
get back with someone, are youtruly 100% open to taking them
back?
Sandy (33:37):
Yeah.
Terrance (33:38):
We talked about.
You know, there's some thingsyou can't go without in a
relationship communication andtrust.
And that trust thing is onceyou break trust, it's hard to
get back.
Once you break trust, it's hardto get back.
And so if you're in a situationwhere you're lonely or you peer
pressure to get back withsomeone, if you're not truly
accepting them, then I don'tknow how long that's actually
going to last.
(33:58):
So let me ask you this Arethere benefits to being in a
relationship or benefits thatcan come out of being in one of
those breakup to make up type ofrelationships?
Sandy (34:09):
To be honest, I can't think of any benefit of the
existing relationship, but Ithink it can teach you a good
lesson for future relationships.
Terrance (34:27):
Yeah, I mean, look, past experience provides you
with opportunity to gain and useknowledge to build things back
stronger, and you don't have tobuild the relationship that
you're actually in stronger, butyou can if you use those past
experiences and that actualknowledge.
So, from that perspective, aslong as we use the knowledge
that we gain and we have theactual tools to implement
(34:49):
processes that are going to makeus better, then there can be a
benefit.
I just don't know if thebenefit outweighs the mental and
physical.
I don't know if it actuallyoutweighs that and in my eyes I
don't think that it does.
So let's wrap this up.
(35:12):
Relationships are rarely simpleand the path to love is often
filled with twists, turns andunexpected detours.
Today we discuss some of thedynamics that contribute to the
breakup and make-up cycle, andwhile the breakup and
reconciliation process can bepainful and tumultuous, it also
presents an opportunity forprofound self-discovery and
personal development.
(35:33):
It challenges us to confrontour fears, examine our
vulnerabilities and confront thepatterns that may be holding us
back from true intimacy andconnection.
Thank you for joining us onthis episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
(35:54):
podcasting app and, as always,stay well.
Announcer (35:59):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:23):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:44):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer insight
from the perspective of amarried couple.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:54):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:55):
And today we'll be discussing the on and off again
cycle in some relationships.
But before we dive into that,please remember to follow the
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also be sure to follow the showon all social media platforms.
At Lunch with Sandy what areyou doing over there, sandy?
Sandy (01:18):
I don't know, trying to stay warm.
Terrance (01:21):
Well, you were fiddling with your sleeve and I
was trying to figure out whatthe hell was going on.
Sandy (01:24):
I was putting my thumbs through my little thumb holes.
Is that a running shirt?
Terrance (01:29):
Technically, I think it's a yoga shirt, but Okay,
yeah, because you can't run in ashirt like that.
Sandy (01:34):
What are you talking about?
Terrance (01:35):
First off, you would spend the whole time running
trying to fix the goddamnshoulder.
The thing is falling off yourshoulder there.
That is definitely not arunning shirt.
Sandy (01:42):
It is meant to do that though.
Terrance (01:46):
No, running shirt is meant to interfere with your
stride, which causes your armsto go back and forth, which?
Sandy (01:52):
that shirt will definitely do.
What if my shoulder is hot andit wants some air to breathe?
Terrance (01:58):
Then you're going to end up looking like a lobster or
crab, because you have oneshoulder out in the sun and it's
going to actually burn.
Sandy (02:08):
But I do need more running shirts with the holes.
My older ones do not have that.
I need more shirts in general.
Terrance (02:15):
I probably shouldn't have bought that bike today, but
hey, I'm going to live it up.
Sandy (02:19):
Yeah, that's another topic, I guess in the future
that's another topic, I guess inthe future.
Terrance (02:24):
No, we're not going to have any topics where we
discuss what I need to make surethat I am staying healthy.
So I'll be here for you and thekids in the long run.
Well, I that is not a topic ofdiscussion.
Sandy (02:36):
I would say most people would argue you only need one
bike.
Terrance (02:39):
That's not true.
No cyclists.
Right Well no cyclists wouldtell you you True, no, cyclist,
right?
Well, no cyclist will tell youyou need just one bike.
Sandy (02:45):
To be healthy is one.
Terrance (02:48):
So let me break it down before we get too much into
the side.
So there are different types ofbikes, yeah, for different
types of activities, right, andthe bike that I got today is for
climbing for elevation, which,you, you know, I do a lot of
Right, is that not true?
That is accurate.
(03:09):
That bike right there is forspeed, which, again, we do a lot
of.
Sandy (03:18):
We were just finally even , and now you had to one-up me.
Terrance (03:24):
Nah, you know what?
We ain't never going to be,even Not until you get into it
like I'm into it.
You got a trainer now.
Sandy (03:33):
Yep.
Terrance (03:34):
And we're going way off topic.
But anyway, we need to get thisout of the way because you know
this is the lead in.
Sandy (03:40):
You have a trainer now Once you start using the trainer
at least twice a week.
Come talk to me.
Well, honestly, it was funnybecause I did go for my bike
fitting on my newer bike thisweek and he was asking me a lot
of questions and I was like Ihave no idea about how you
actually ride and what yourplans were, and stuff like that.
(04:02):
Yeah, like cause he also didlike a shoe fitting and he's
like you know your clips are alittle far back.
Was that done on purpose?
And I was like I don't think so.
And he's like oh, I was likeI'm pretty sure Terrence just
put them on.
Terrance (04:16):
Trying to throw me under the bus.
Sandy (04:17):
No, I mean like, like he put them on for me.
Terrance (04:29):
I I never adjusted them, yeah, yeah.
And first off, shout out tojohnny from johnny's place.
That's who you're talking about.
You can't actually say you cansay his name, okay.
Yes, you can say his name, yeah.
So the whole point of that is,you know, when he does the
fitting, he needs to knowcertain things he's like is that
comfortable?
Sandy (04:38):
and I was like I guess yeah yeah.
Terrance (04:41):
So when, when you can actually say with you, you know
confidence, that, yes, this iswhat I do, this is comfortable,
then we'll talk about yougetting another bike.
But that's not why we're heretoday and I'm glad that you know
you, I'm glad you got, I'm gladthat you got fitted and you
needed some parts for your bike,because that led me to find
(05:03):
enough some parts for your bike,because that led me to find
enough, led me to find aphenomenal deal on a bike.
And it's funny because you know, I was in Trek last Sunday.
Yeah, yeah, last Sunday.
I was in Trek last Sunday andthey had some bikes but nothing
caught my eye like this one thatcaught my eye.
So, anyway, that's neither herenor there.
Do you know we are in theMuffin man?
(05:23):
That's neither here nor there.
Do you know we are in theMuffin man?
No, I know you don't know theMuffin man, although every now
and then, a good muffin willtake you a long way.
Do you know that we're inbaseball season?
Sandy (05:33):
Yeah.
Terrance (05:35):
No, you didn't know that because you don't follow
baseball.
I don't follow baseball.
So sure we're in baseballseason right, okay, let me ask
you this question.
Sure, we're in baseball seasonright?
Okay, let me ask you thisquestion Do you know what the
cycle is in baseball, a baseballseason?
Do you know what?
the cycle is in baseball Runningaround the no, the cycle is
when you get a single, a double,a triple and a home run all in
(05:58):
the same game.
Oh yes, it's the cycle.
That cycle we're going to betalking about the cycle today.
Sandy (06:04):
Oh, I thought we already were.
Terrance (06:05):
No, we're talking about cycling and see this.
Let me tell you something thisis the Sandy that I need every
time we record, because you justtied all that in and I wasn't
even thinking about it.
I wasn't even going to whereyou got to step your game up
like you're doing today.
Yes, this is how the bike bikesall tied in.
(06:26):
Look at that, you good today,you good.
Today, we're going to betalking about a different cycle
today.
The cycle that I want to talkabout today is the on again, off
again cycle, with relationships, right, when you're in a
situation where you break upwith somebody and then you get
(06:49):
back together with them and see,that's a concept that is very,
very.
It's foreign to me, it's foreignto me because you know, in the
past I've always treatedrelationships like a job, and
let me and let me explain what Imean.
You know when you go to workthere are certain things that
(07:10):
you know you have to do to be avaluable employee.
Yeah, I used to work at thisplace I'm not going to name the
place but we had this rule andthe rule was two days, no call,
no show, you got fired.
That's what I used to do in alot of relationships If I didn't
hear from somebody in two daysthat they didn't call and show
up in two days the relationshipwould be over, so you never
(07:34):
bothered asking if they were OK.
You know anything happened I wasyoung and 100 percent of the
time it was no situation and100% of the time it was no
situation where, well, there wasone time where one person was
actually, from what they say andfrom what their friends were
saying, they were actuallylocked up in Virginia.
But that's neither here northere.
We ain't going to get into thatbecause you know I've had a few
(08:02):
crazies in the past.
But the whole breaking up andmaking up thing and I will tell
you sidetrack, one of myfavorite songs is Break Up to
Make Up.
You know who sings itStylistics Break up to make up.
I'm not going to say I'mdestroying the song, but anyway,
that concept has been very,very foreign to me.
But it's not that I haven't seen, it has been very very foreign
(08:26):
to me, but it's not that Ihaven't seen it, I know.
You know I was in DC recentlyand you know when I every time I
go to DC, it reminds me of agood friend of mine.
I haven't talked to him in along time and his name is Lance,
and Lance used to be involvedwith a few people that he would
go through these cycles with andI could never understand it.
So you say the concept isforeign to you, but I'm going to
(08:46):
ask you are you one of thosepeople who've had that
experience with the wholebreaking up and getting back
together thing?
Sandy (08:55):
uh, no, usually once I break up with somebody, it's
done, it's over, like that's it,like I've put all my energy and
effort into it.
Terrance (09:06):
And once it's over, it's over.
So you never had a situationwhere you just said I'm done and
had regrets about it afterwardsand then went back.
Nope, Ironically, I did alittle bit of research on this
Forty to 50 percent of thepeople who are in relationships
have gotten back with an ex.
I think that's a staggeringnumber.
Sandy (09:27):
Yeah.
Terrance (09:28):
Well, from my perspective, I think it's a
staggering number and I think,whether or not—.
Sandy (09:35):
I wonder if there's an age behind it too.
Terrance (09:38):
Well, here's what I would say.
I think as you get older,there's not a whole bunch of
breaking up going on, and again,this is just my opinion.
I would imagine that you knowyou reach a certain point where
you know you're, you're in,you're stuck in your ways and
not everybody gonna accept youfor the way you are.
So those people who do, youprobably want to stick with them
(10:00):
well I.
Sandy (10:02):
I just wonder if it's you know, if young adults have the
tendency to do it more.
Terrance (10:11):
That was all well, you know so let's, let's talk about
, let's talk about possibly whyyou know because that would be
like one of my, my thoughts likeand the possibly, why, right?
The age?
Sandy (10:23):
I don't think, Well not their age, but like their
immaturity.
Terrance (10:28):
So I've always felt that you know if you're breaking
up with someone.
If you break up with someone,it's for there's a reason behind
it, Right?
So in my mind, I would neveryou know, I would never
entertain reconciliation,because you know, basically, if
I'm going to go through thiswhole process and say, all right
(10:50):
, I'm done, then I'm donebecause there's a whole mental
exhaustion aspect of doing thesame thing over and over.
But again, like I said, I'veknown people who have been in
that cycle for a very, very longtime with a number of different
actual people, and what I'vefound from my experience with
(11:11):
having conversations with themis it's like you ever eat this
is not the greatest analogy, butyou ever eat a bag of chips and
you have all these chips, right, and then when you think you're
done, there's all those littlecrumbs at the bottom of the bag.
Sandy (11:28):
Yep.
Terrance (11:29):
Right.
Sandy (11:30):
And the crumbs are awfully tasty.
Terrance (11:33):
The crumbs are tasty.
But from what I've been able togather and from the
conversations I've had, peopletend to get back together when
they have unfinished, unresolvedfeelings or lingering feelings
where they feel that you knowthey've gone through whatever
they've gone through, but theystill have feelings for that
actual person.
Sandy (11:53):
Right.
Terrance (11:54):
So I guess, if it's a situation where you still have
lingering feelings for someone,the question that I think you
have to answer is well, why'dyou break up with them in the
first place?
Because I think it's going tobe very rare where you're in a
situation where you break upwith someone and all those
(12:16):
feelings are cut off right there?
Sandy (12:18):
Yeah, for sure.
Well, and then that kind ofmakes me wonder is it lingering
feelings or is it more likealmost like lingering issues,
like you just weren't able tofinally realize that this is not
going any further.
So it's like unresolvedlingering issues?
(12:38):
You know what I mean, to whereyou know, like I said, for me
it's been like okay, it's I'vedone all these things and it's
it's not benefiting thisrelationship, so I'm done Like
there's no other option.
Terrance (12:57):
What brings you back?
Sandy (12:58):
Well, I know that's what I mean, like.
So maybe it's not justlingering feelings, because
you're always going to havethose, especially at the
beginning.
You know the feelings don't goaway until over time.
So I'm wondering is itlingering feelings, or can it
also be like lingeringunresolved issues, like you just
feel, like you just didn'tfigure stuff out.
Terrance (13:18):
I did have a friend again, and I'm not going to name
any of these people, but I didhave a friend who told me that
one of the reasons why theywould go back is because they
realized something in them thatthey didn't realize before.
And so it was one of thosesituations where they felt that
(13:38):
they weren't ready for, andagain they felt that they
weren't ready for, a certainlevel of commitment, and then
they felt that they grew, and sothen they went back to that
situation.
Sandy (13:52):
To see if it helped.
Terrance (13:54):
Well, not to see if it helped, but they felt that they
were ready for that level ofcommitment.
And then find out that theyweren't, and find out that they
weren't, and they left and thenthey came back.
They felt they grew a littlemore.
So I guess, from theperspective of if you feel that
you were in a situation whereyou weren't ready, and then
experience has taught you somethings and you feel like you've
(14:17):
grown, maybe you know you'regoing to give it another shot,
but I think in those situationsyou got to ask yourself whether
or not it was just you.
Sandy (14:25):
Right.
Terrance (14:25):
And I don't say that to blame that on the other
person, and I don't say that toblame that on the other person,
but I think sometimes we findexcuses and rather than say,
yeah, we were just pieces ofcrap, we say, well, I wasn't
ready.
And again, I'm not putting thison everyone, but I'm saying you
(14:46):
know, you really, when you startgoing through that cycle, you
really want to make sure that ifyou go back you examine why you
actually left, so you don'tactually end up repeating those
same things to bring you back towhere you are.
Sandy (15:02):
Well, right, I guess it would be.
Perhaps they just felt likethey needed space to figure
things out, like is it reallyworth it out?
Like is it really worth it?
But at the same time, I don'tknow, like, why break up?
(15:23):
Why not just say let's just youknow what I need a weekend get
away by myself.
Yeah, you know, but you knoweverybody's different.
I would think another reasonthis is the one that I could see
, probably the biggest one forme taking part of is when I get
so angry that my feelings justexplode and are overwhelming and
(15:48):
you become irrational.
But yeah, go ahead well, that'swhat the thing.
Well, that's honestly, that wasthe word I was going to use,
like I could see beingirrational to where I'm like,
forget it.
This isn't going to work outLike done.
Terrance (16:01):
Yeah.
So now let me ask you this,because you just said something
and so let's say that actuallyhas happened.
You're not getting back whenyou know that you were
irrational and you just Well,that's never happened, but I'm
saying this is the situation.
Sandy (16:16):
No, no, I know, I see it happening, like you know where
I'm just because, oh, you mightnot.
Terrance (16:21):
You might not be a member yet, but yeah, exactly do
we want to try this.
You might be the you you might,you might end up being the
president.
Sandy (16:32):
But you know, and then, after you know a day where the
deluge of emotions and feelingsrecede, you know, the volcano
has simmered back down, simmeredback down, like you know.
(16:58):
Wait, maybe at that point Iwould regret it and then see
that I was being irrational.
Terrance (17:00):
I think for some people there is a big issue with
commitment, and what I mean bythat is you know you get
involved with someone, it startsto progress and there's no real
issue from the relationshipperspective, but there's a real
issue with you being in fear ofbeing in an actual commitment
(17:22):
and so you know, you break upbecause of that fear and then
while you're well, I'm not, I'mnot because I mean I'm not using
, I'm not.
I'm not saying that for thefree pass, but I'm saying that
there are people who are afraidof commitment.
Sandy (17:37):
Well, yeah.
Terrance (17:38):
And so they get, they break up and they might not be
with anyone else.
You know, they might just beout there and just think they're
going to find something betteror whatever.
Sandy (17:46):
And then Realize the grass isn't always greener yeah.
Terrance (17:49):
And they go back, and then it's one of those things
where commitment is, one ofthose ones where I can see that
the cycle continues until youstart to actually look at
yourself and say, okay, well, amI truly ever going to be ready
for this?
Is this for me Right?
Because, again, if you're notwilling to commit, particularly
to someone who will that's theother side of the coin is okay.
(18:10):
Well, this other person keepstaking you back or getting back
with you.
So you know, I don't know whatthe dynamic is there and you
know that's a whole notherkettle of fish, as Barry Chipman
would say.
Sandy (18:24):
But no, that brings up.
So you have the fear ofcommitment and you have it where
.
Maybe it is that it's justtheir own internal fear and has
nothing to do with it.
But then I'm sure that thereare times where it's.
You know, people are lookingfor that free, free.
Listen just look, you know,something happens.
(18:44):
They're like that's it, andthen they, you know so little
sun, sun, and then come back.
Terrance (18:50):
So this whole episode we break up the makeup right and
then come back.
So this whole episode, break Upthe Makeup right.
It's one of those things where,because of the fact of the,
because of the topic that we'retalking about you, know, there's
a very slim margin or slimchance that you can go to the
dark side and you just did it.
You just found a way toactually.
You just found a way toactually, to say, well, you know
(19:10):
free pass.
Sandy (19:12):
I'm sure there are people Come on.
You don't think so that thereare people who just take the
opportunity there?
Terrance (19:19):
The world is a very vast place.
Yeah, exactly, I'm sure thatthere may be some people who are
out there, but the fact of thematter is, in order for them to
be able to do that, someone hasto be accepting them on the
other side, and maybe thatperson is getting the free pass
also.
Sandy (19:33):
Hey, to each their own.
Yeah, maybe it's like, hey,let's break up for a month so we
can both get a free hall back.
Terrance (19:39):
Okay.
Sandy (19:41):
I'll see you in a month.
Terrance (19:43):
I think what happens when you're in a situation like
that is you're used to beingwith someone and you're used to
things being a certain way.
And then you break up, and nowyou got to go through this whole
process of finding someone whois going to be equal.
So, because you're familiarwith someone in the process in a
relationship, sometimes beingfamiliar with that person is
(20:05):
what leads you back together.
Sandy (20:07):
Yeah, well, and then yeah , and I'm also thinking the
other one, which is maybe thereare real issues in your
relationship.
You recognize that.
Terrance (20:19):
I think there's real issues in all the reasons you
break up.
Sandy (20:22):
I mean, like you know, the right thing to do is break
up.
But your heart's telling youknow no, but you get like lonely
and you just don't have theenergy to invest into finding a
new relationship, that you justgo back.
Terrance (20:38):
Well, loneliness, so loneliness is is is a big
perpetrator, I think andsomething like that.
Sandy (20:46):
Well, we are socially animals.
We nobody wants to be lonely.
Terrance (20:50):
Yeah, and so loneliness for the most part.
Sandy (20:52):
There's a few hermits, I'm sure, out there.
Terrance (20:54):
It'll make you put up with a whole bunch of crap.
There's a big emotional journeythat you go on.
When you're involved withsomeone, yeah, and you know,
when you've had that experienceand then you're by yourself,
you're lonely, or you knowyou're with somebody else, yeah,
the experience is different andif you're yearning for that
(21:14):
same experience, you're going togo back to that actual person.
Sandy (21:17):
That just sounds like so much work.
Terrance (21:20):
What?
Going back to the same?
No, well, that's so laziness.
I'm going to put that onSandy's list.
Sandy (21:27):
I just honestly, I can't see myself ever getting back
into another relationship.
If something was to happen LikeI would just be done.
Terrance (21:36):
Well listen, every relationship is laziness.
I mean laziness.
Are you saying that you're inthis relationship because you're
lazy?
Every relationship requireswork.
Sandy (21:44):
You heard it here, folks.
No, it does.
But to start from scratch, likethat's just, I think I'm too
old for that.
Terrance (21:54):
I don't know she's putting numbers on herself.
I do think there are some timeswhere external factors will be
a part of or cause that cycle tocontinue.
Right, If you're involved withsomeone and you break up, your
family could be putting pressureon you to get back to them.
Sandy (22:16):
Oh yeah, like.
Oh, they were such a niceperson, like you know, and they
had all this going for them.
Like why would you break up,even though you know?
Again one of the situationswhere you know deep down inside
that you guys aren't meant to be, but everybody's telling you
how great they are and putting,like all this you know, stress
on you and then you're like Iguess I should just Well, and
(22:37):
particularly if they hit youwith, that you're not going to
find anybody better.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've had thatone, yeah, so.
Terrance (22:44):
I mean it could be family, you know, it could be
friends.
I mean, a lot of times it couldjust be society around.
And it's not that someone'ssaying anything is that if you
go everywhere whether it be onsocial media, restaurants,
wherever and you see couples,there's some and you're by
(23:04):
yourself.
There's some pressure.
You might not be willing toadmit it, but there's some
pressure to say, hey, listen, Iwant to be.
I don't be sitting here bymyself.
I'm posting pictures of myselfsmiling, pretending to be happy,
when you know.
Sandy (23:21):
Yeah.
Terrance (23:22):
I was.
I wasn't happy in thatrelationship, but I wasn't this
unhappy Right?
Sandy (23:27):
Yeah, exactly Like.
What level of happiness orunhappiness are you ready to
deal with?
But I can definitely see thefamily.
You know not to put my mom onblast, but she did tell me that
nobody was going to want meListen.
I love how you say not to putmy mom on blast but then you go
(23:48):
ahead and just blast her and Ijust walked away.
Terrance (23:53):
Mama, that's her, that's not me.
I'm not putting you on blast.
Sandy (23:59):
So yeah.
Terrance (24:01):
I feel that if you're in a relationship that goes this
cycle, you know you have toquestion the quality of
relationship that you'reactually in.
So do you feel that there aresituations where you would get
back to with someone after abreakup?
I know you said you knowbecause you're lazy, but I mean,
are there any other situationswhere you feel that you know you
(24:23):
would get back with someoneafter a breakup?
Sandy (24:26):
Oh, you know?
I think you answered it, yeah.
Terrance (24:29):
When you're being irrational yeah, when I know
it's all my fault and I was theculprit and the irrational one
would be definitely yes forthose of you who aren't lazy and
irrational, before you decideif you should get back to
someone, I think you really needto look at what is the actual
(24:50):
reason.
Well, what was the reason forthe actual breakup?
Right, because those reasonswill help you decide whether or
not you're going to end upbenefiting, you know, from any
type of reunions.
So the question you'd have toask yourself is this Did you
make a mistake?
Right ask yourself is this didyou make a mistake, right?
(25:14):
If you were irrational and youdid something without thinking
about it and you made a mistakeand that was the reason for the
breakup, then maybe you shouldconsider, you know, getting back
together.
The other question that youprobably want to ask is during
your time apart, right, haveboth parties grown or shown some
growth on both sides?
Because, again, if the breakupwasn't because of a mistake that
(25:40):
you made and there were actualissues, what is to say that
those issues won't crop up againif there isn't growth on both
sides?
And one other question that youprobably really want to ask is
do you have any regrets frombreaking up with that person?
(26:01):
Because you can be in asituation where you have issues,
right, yeah, but at the sametime, you can also have regrets
about the actual breakup itself.
The whole thing with issues is,once you identify them, if
you're both willing to put inthe work, you can work on
getting over those issues.
But I think it's a question ofwhether or not you're willing to
(26:22):
put in the work.
Sandy (26:23):
Yeah, well, I know for me , I'm always introspective, I'm
always reanalyzing why I saidthings that I said and did
things that I did.
I don't know if other people,it comes as easily to them, but
I feel like that's ultimatelywhat you have to do after the
(26:48):
breakup.
Like, okay, how am I feeling?
You know?
Is it that I really feel liketo your point, I made a mistake,
I really miss this person?
Like maybe they are my personin?
Was I just being you knowwhatever, or am I actually happy
we've yeah broken up, but Icould be lonely.
Terrance (27:11):
So here's what I will say, but be honest, like with
yourself.
Here's what I will say, and it'sall based off that little last
bit you did.
I would say ask yourself thosequestions after you've taken
some time, right, becauseimmediately when the breakup
happens you might be outdestroying some stuff, throwing
some stuff out, or whatever, oryou might be, you know, in a lot
(27:31):
of pain because you know youwere very close to this person.
Take some time, but then askyourself those questions,
because what those answers aregoing to give you is they're
going to give you an indicationas to whether or not there's any
patterns of behavior that aregoing to make you believe that
this pattern or this cycle isgoing to actually continue.
Sandy (27:50):
But you bring up a good point.
You definitely can't startasking yourself those questions.
Terrance (27:56):
I mean you, can you just not.
You might not get a good answer.
Sandy (27:59):
Right, you definitely need to take some time.
You know, go burn off some ofthat frustration and energy and
what other feelings you'refeeling.
Maybe go to like a kickboxingclass, you know.
But I, you know, I don't eventhink there's a time limit on it
for me.
I know I would at least need aday at at minimum to calm down.
(28:22):
Well, but you know everybody'slike different.
It might take a week, it mighttake a couple of weeks.
So I think that's where peopleneed to really give themselves
the time.
Terrance (28:34):
Well, you definitely want to take time because that
cycle can actually have animpact on you, right?
Relationships are full ofemotions and things that can
affect you mentally andphysically, and you know you
need to make sure that you're inthe right space during any
situation that you are goingthrough.
(28:56):
So what type of impact, youknow, do you think that being in
a relationship that's on again,off again can have on you?
Sandy (29:04):
For me it would just be exhausting.
Well, yeah.
Look, I agree with you 100there, it can be exhausting
point one, like I don't know,you know, and it's like, is it
even worth?
It is, I think, what I'd beasking myself, because I it
would just be like, just youknow, I don't know, but at the
(29:28):
same time you know, when you getinto an argument and you make
up, you know it can be nice andwell.
Terrance (29:34):
So you said argument yeah, yeah, there was no.
Sandy (29:37):
I know well because I've never been in the this cyclical
type of relationship, but I'mthinking like an argument
standpoint.
It has to be similar, like it'sall new and fresh.
Maybe initially you know what Imean.
Terrance (29:50):
You know what I just?
I just thought back and, and,and I'm going to say this, and
then I'll get back to how Ithink this can actually impact
you.
I was in a situation where Ibroke up with someone.
Uh, it was one of those thingswhere we decided to, to, to
split, and then we got backtogether and it just wasn't the
same.
(30:10):
And then I was just like I'mdone.
Sandy (30:13):
So different.
Like the reverse happened toyou, like to me.
It's like okay, well, maybe youget back together and you're
extra with one another.
No, because you know the thingabout.
Terrance (30:26):
it was the situation, the issue, the issues that we
had were still there.
Yeah, there was no growth, butanyway, I do think that going
through that actual cycle canhave a big impact on you,
depending on who you are, andparticularly, let's talk about
self-esteem.
For a second right.
If you're in a situation wheresomeone keeps breaking up with
(30:47):
you or you keep breaking up withsomeone, that can affect your
self-esteem because at somepoint during that continuous
cycle you have to ask yourselfis it me?
And you know when, when youhave to ask yourself that
there's a confidence issue there, you know you start to wonder
okay, well, am I not?
Am I am I not worthy?
(31:09):
You know is?
Is this going to be how all myfuture relationships are?
So I think, from a self-esteemperspective, you know that cycle
can be impactful.
Sandy (31:23):
Oh, for sure.
And then the next one would betrust.
Like I would start questioning,questioning, like why do we
keep breaking up?
And like is are they seeking ahall pass?
Like is that the only reason?
Like what's what's what's goingon here?
Like why I, like I just can'ttrust them, like what's the
point?
Terrance (31:44):
well, also, too, you know and you mentioned this, you
said it a little different whenwe're talking about right after
, there is a state.
You can go into a state ofdepression when you keep going
through these highs and lows,these on and offs again, and
there has to be some anxiety inthat whole situation.
Because you just said this Okay, well, you break up.
(32:04):
Is this person doing this toactually get a hall pass?
You know, are they going?
Are they just doing this sothey don't have to cheat on me?
And if that's the case, why arethey doing this?
Again, my self-confidence, myself-esteem, am I not good
enough for this person?
So I do think that you knowthere are some impactful issues
(32:25):
that can come up when you're inthat cycle, but I think I just
think that when you're puttingyourself through that, you have
to ask yourself a lot ofquestions and basically those
questions are to ascertainwhether or not this is healthy
for you and each person isdifferent, yeah, but again, you
need to make sure that,ultimately, you're doing the
(32:47):
things that are going to be bestfor you mentally and physically
.
Sandy (32:50):
Yeah, which is, I'm curious.
Everyone that I know that hasalways well, not always everyone
that I know that has takensomeone back.
Sooner or later it ends anyways.
I wonder, you know what theaverage?
Terrance (33:08):
time I I think.
I think there's two parts ofthat right.
I think the reason for thebreakup plays into that right
and I think that the so what wasI gonna say?
Sandy (33:20):
the reason, and then how I think the exhaustion level.
Terrance (33:27):
Well, I think the other part about it is when you
get back with someone, are youtruly 100% open to taking them
back?
Sandy (33:37):
Yeah.
Terrance (33:38):
We talked about.
You know, there's some thingsyou can't go without in a
relationship communication andtrust.
And that trust thing is onceyou break trust, it's hard to
get back.
Once you break trust, it's hardto get back.
And so if you're in a situationwhere you're lonely or you peer
pressure to get back withsomeone, if you're not truly
accepting them, then I don'tknow how long that's actually
going to last.
(33:58):
So let me ask you this Arethere benefits to being in a
relationship or benefits thatcan come out of being in one of
those breakup to make up type ofrelationships?
Sandy (34:09):
To be honest, I can't think of any benefit of the
existing relationship, but Ithink it can teach you a good
lesson for future relationships.
Terrance (34:27):
Yeah, I mean, look, past experience provides you
with opportunity to gain and useknowledge to build things back
stronger, and you don't have tobuild the relationship that
you're actually in stronger, butyou can if you use those past
experiences and that actualknowledge.
So, from that perspective, aslong as we use the knowledge
that we gain and we have theactual tools to implement
(34:49):
processes that are going to makeus better, then there can be a
benefit.
I just don't know if thebenefit outweighs the mental and
physical.
I don't know if it actuallyoutweighs that and in my eyes I
don't think that it does.
So let's wrap this up.
(35:12):
Relationships are rarely simpleand the path to love is often
filled with twists, turns andunexpected detours.
Today we discuss some of thedynamics that contribute to the
breakup and make-up cycle, andwhile the breakup and
reconciliation process can bepainful and tumultuous, it also
presents an opportunity forprofound self-discovery and
personal development.
(35:33):
It challenges us to confrontour fears, examine our
vulnerabilities and confront thepatterns that may be holding us
back from true intimacy andconnection.
Thank you for joining us onthis episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
(35:54):
podcasting app and, as always,stay well.
Announcer (35:59):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
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