March 9, 2024 • 38 mins
Ever wondered how a vacation from your spouse might actually bring you closer together? Join us, Terrance and Sandy, as we reveal the untold benefits of carving out personal space in a marriage, without sacrificing the intimacy that binds us. Experience the journey of discovering that, indeed, absence can make the heart grow fonder, as we share our own tales of managing the delicate dance between unity and autonomy in our relationship. From the invigorating solitude of a girls' trip to the artful juggle of leaving workplace woes behind, we bare all in navigating the crossroads of personal growth and relationship harmony.
This episode is an intimate exploration of the art of 'me time' and its pivotal role in fostering not only individual identity but also the strength of a partnership. We'll take you through the necessity of supporting each other's pursuits and how it serves to deepen trust and connection. Whether it's the serenity of a morning run or the peace of an evening book, we dissect how these moments of solitude aren't selfish, but rather vital building blocks for a resilient, vibrant bond.
Then, we wade into the sometimes turbulent waters of insecurities and independence. We swap stories and insights on how to nourish trust and set healthy boundaries, all while cherishing our togetherness. As we navigate the challenges of communication during 'me time' and the importance of maintaining individual routines, our conversation is an open book for couples seeking to maintain their connection amidst the whirlwind of daily life. Tune in for a heart-to-heart on keeping the spark alive while honoring our individual selves.
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Episode Transcript
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Announcer (00:01):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:23):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and provide
insight and perspective from thepoint of view of a married
couple.
I'm Terrance and I'm Sandy, andtoday I want to have a
discussion about the concept ofme time.
(01:05):
But before that, pleaseremember to follow us using your
favorite podcasting app.
You can also follow us onsocial media at lunch with Sandy
, and speaking of Sandy, sandyyes, what's the deal?
How are you doing?
Sandy (01:26):
today I'm good.
I feel like I'm going intovacation semi calmly, which is
nice.
Terrance (01:34):
I don't know what going into vacation semi, semi
calmly means.
Sandy (01:38):
Well, you know when work is too crazy and you continue to
feel like the craziness eventhough you're done with work.
Terrance (01:48):
I don't have that problem.
You know why.
You know this.
I've been practicing to leaveit at the door technique for
many, many moons.
That means when I leave work,all of that baggage stays at
that door.
When I walk out I'll pick itback up when I come back in.
Sandy (02:04):
Yeah, well, sometimes it's not as easy, because then
you worry about the baggage thatyou're going to have to pick
back up.
Terrance (02:12):
Well, I'm not saying you personally.
Well, I'm going to put it toyou this way your company is not
a company of one, and ifsomething unfortunate were to
happen to you, they would moveon.
When you look at it from thatperspective, it puts a lot of
things right where they belong.
I'm doing great today.
(02:33):
Well, that's wonderful.
I just had the opportunity tohang out with Maya.
Travis bought Maya over.
She was a little shy at first,but then, by the time she was
ready to go, she was playingwith Lego.
She was talking eating cookies.
That's right, it was good.
Sandy (02:49):
Now I'm not playing the Legos with her.
Terrance (02:52):
Well, we'll let you believe that it might be another
five years before we see heragain, but it was still a
beautiful morning.
Sandy (03:03):
It was.
Terrance (03:04):
Now I realized something.
I see you a lot and that mightsound like We'll see that we
live in the same house so youknow when you're in a
relationship, whether it bemarried or just, you know, going
steady, as the old folks wouldsay the potential exists for you
to be around someone an awfullot, and that could be a good
(03:29):
thing.
For the most part it's a goodthing, but that can start the
way on you.
Sometimes you may want a littleelbow room.
Sometimes you may want a littlespace.
You know what I mean.
Sandy (03:40):
That's why you work different schedules, right.
Terrance (03:42):
Well, we don't work different schedules, no, we
don't, I was being sarcastic.
In many relationships thismight be something that comes up
, and there's a phrase thatcomes into mind that I'm going
to ask you Does absence make theheart grow fonder?
Sandy (04:05):
I think to a point and then after that it's just like
out of sight, out of mind.
Terrance (04:10):
So let's take a trip back.
Mm-hmm.
I want to say when are we going?
Well, we're going back in time.
We're going to take a trip backin time.
You recently did a girls trip.
How was it?
Sandy (04:23):
It was great.
Terrance (04:24):
It was great.
It gave you an opportunity tobe with those of your ilk.
I like that word, ilk, but itgave you an opportunity to
recharge your battery, hang outwith some friends and have a
good time.
It gave you the opportunity Tomiss you.
(04:47):
I was going to say it gave youthe opportunity to have some me
time, and I think that when youstart talking about
relationships, I think some ofthe ones that are very, very
successful are the ones wherethe two individuals find a way
to maintain a delicate balanceof coming together and
(05:10):
maintaining some form ofindependence, and when I say
some form of independence, Imean finding that time to focus
on them, to make them better, tofocus on the relationship.
Sandy (05:24):
Yeah, because I don't know, being together like 24-7
all the time, I would thinkwould start wearing on the
nerves a little bit.
Terrance (05:35):
Well and technically you're not together 24-7.
If you work, I mean if you guysare sitting around a house and
you're independently wealthy, oryou're just a bum then yeah,
well, yeah, I get what you'resaying.
I think that when you starttalking about the concept of me
time, there are two things thatI think about.
On the one hand, when you'retogether with someone, in your
(06:01):
inner relationship, spendingtime, spending quality time, has
the tendency to strengthen yourbond.
Right, you have the opportunityto build trust, you know, you
have the opportunity to work onyour communication, and that
time that you spend together isreally time that you're
investing in that relationship.
(06:22):
But, on the other hand, if youcannot maintain your individual
identity, that can be a problem,because it's crucial to
maintain who you are, becauseeach person has their own unique
values and qualities andperspectives and experience, and
(06:43):
that's something that youactually bring to the
relationship.
Right now, we're talking abouttrying to find that balance
between you know, being togetheras a couple and finding that
time so you can actually havethe time to be who you are and
work on yourself.
And I was saying earlier thatwhen you come into a
relationship, you have your ownvalues, your experience and
(07:03):
perspectives and you have to beable to, while in a relationship
, promote each other's personalgrowth.
You have to be able to learnfrom one another.
You have to be able to fosterthat mutual respect between each
other, and that's a part ofbeing yourself, that's a part of
(07:27):
being who you are.
So when I talk about theconcept of you know, being
balancing, being together andhaving me time, as long as you
nurture those parts of yourrelationship, then I think that
(07:50):
only adds to the probability ofthat relationship being a
success.
Because now, when that balanceis there again, the me time is
going to promote that personalgrowth and the time that you
have together, like I saidearlier, is an investment in you
know, time put into the actualrelationship.
(08:11):
And there are some benefits forhaving that time to yourself.
Like I said, when you went away, you had that time to recharge,
you had that time to kick itwith the girls.
Sandy (08:25):
So what about you, though ?
While I was gone, how did youfeel?
Did you feel like you hadalmost some time to yourself too
?
Terrance (08:34):
Yeah, I always have time to myself.
I always make time to myselfwhen I talk about me.
Time you don't necessarily haveto.
It doesn't have to be extendedtime away.
Yeah.
You know you can find me timewithin the day.
As long as you have theopportunity to spend some time
to think about or take care ofwhat it is you need to do
(08:55):
personally, then it can be fiveminutes, it can be an hour.
I get me time in every day.
I'm the first person up.
It's me and Jack's time in themorning.
Everybody else is asleep.
I get a chance to do what Ineed to do first thing in the
morning.
Sandy (09:10):
Yeah, no, and I usually get my me time at night.
Yeah.
Once either you or Ayla aregone and if I'm home alone.
Terrance (09:20):
Yeah, yes.
So, like I said, I mean thereare some benefits to being able
to get that time in for yourself.
I mentioned earlier thateveryone has, you know,
different experiences, but inaddition to that, you have your
own hobbies, desires, thingsthat you like to do.
Yeah.
So if you can spend time doingthose things again, that makes
(09:44):
you a more complete, healthy,happier person.
So having the time to do thatis a benefit.
Sandy (09:52):
Yeah, definitely, I don't honestly watch you around me
when I'm playing my piano, justas part of one of those things.
Terrance (10:01):
Well, I mean I don't wanna be around you when you're
playing your piano.
Sandy (10:03):
I mean, like that's my me time right, Like you're not
playing an instrument too oranything, so you would just be
sitting there.
Yes, you could have said it alittle differently.
Terrance (10:14):
I don't wanna be around you when you're playing
your piano.
Sandy (10:16):
And it's distracting sometimes having other people in
the room.
Terrance (10:21):
Yeah, when you start talking about building something
or being a part of something,regardless of whether or not
it's a relationship well, we'retalking about relationships,
regardless of whether or notyou're married you have to have
that time for self-discovery.
You're gonna have a time whereyou start to find out who you
(10:44):
are as a couple.
Yep.
But we grow and we change on aregular basis and you need time
for that self-discovery.
And I think that's one of thebenefits, because self-discovery
it helps you understand yourvalues, your strengths, your
weaknesses, and so now, when youstart talking about building
something together, when youunderstand those things, you
(11:06):
know where you're a match, youknow where you're strong in one
area, you know where you'regoing to need help in another
area.
So being able to have that timeto do self-discovery is very
important.
Sandy (11:20):
Yeah, and honestly, as part of that self-discovery, you
may realize that you're notalways into the same activities
too.
So you know that me time isthen used to continue, you know,
enjoying that particularactivity even if the other
(11:41):
person doesn't want to.
So I think that's kind ofimportant because also Really
understanding why you like it,why you know you want it to do
it and so forth, and if you'rejust doing it together, it might
kind of, I guess, not feel asvalued, for lack of a better
(12:04):
term.
Terrance (12:05):
Well, the other thing that that self discovery does is
it provides you with.
It provides you with selfawareness right and then, from
the perspective of you know,being aware of who you are, that
helps you when you starttalking about decision making
and your ability to deal withchallenges.
Sandy (12:27):
Well, yeah, especially with the decision making,
because I like to be able totalk with you about decisions,
but then I also like my timealone to me, in my own head,
with me, myself and I, and talkto myself, talk to myself
through things.
Terrance (12:43):
Yeah, you struggled with that one a little bit, I
think.
Sandy (12:46):
I think the three of y'all couldn't come out with the
words correctly.
Terrance (12:49):
Probably not, you know so let me ask you this you know
, one of the benefits of beingapart for a short period of time
is, again, when they say, theheart grows fonder.
They're talking aboutreigniting, and I don't know.
(13:10):
I don't even know if I want touse the term reigniting, but
when you miss someone and yousee them again, there's a
passion there to actually try tomake up for that lost time,
even though the time could bevery, very short.
Sandy (13:24):
Well, I think sometimes it's also just being away from
someone, just, I think, makesyou appreciate them.
Terrance (13:33):
It does I mean.
Sandy (13:34):
You know what I mean.
It doesn't have to necessarilybe like a reigniting or
rekindling, like oh my goodness,we've been away from each other
for a whole day, you know.
But I think it also puts thingsinto perspective of like too
bad, he's not here to appreciatethis, or too bad they're not
here to help me with that, youknow.
So I think it gives you thatappreciation.
Terrance (13:58):
Yes, that's, that's the.
You know what that's called,the appreciation for.
You know it's for reflectionand introspection.
That's one of the things thatspace actually provides you.
It gives you the opportunity tosit and think about.
You know what's going on withme, what's going on with us and
all those other things.
When you have the opportunityto have time apart, you're going
(14:24):
to be surrounded by differentstimuli, and that's good,
because when you have the sameold, same old, things don't
change.
And when I say things don'tchange when you're used to going
through the same routine yeah.
I think you get comfortable.
But when the stimuli is alittle different, whether you're
(14:44):
in a different place or you'rearound different personal, you
have that time to yourself.
You know, sometimes ideas spark.
Sandy (14:50):
Yeah.
Terrance (14:52):
And the ideas can be centered around any different
things, but it gives you theopportunity to start thinking
about different things that youcan now bring back to the
relationship and start workingon as a pair.
Sandy (15:04):
Yeah, see, when you started talking about that, I
started thinking about the wordmundane.
Terrance (15:11):
I mean, that's one way to say it.
Sandy (15:13):
So it gets a little mundane, like just the same
thing over and over and overagain, like you know who wants
to eat the same foods over andover again, like so who wants
the same exact day over and overagain.
Terrance (15:28):
Yeah, you know, the other thing that I think having
some space apart does is I thinkit provides and again, this is,
this is more along the lineswhen I was talking about that,
you know reflection andintrospection.
It provides clarity.
Sometimes you're in a situationwhere, if you don't have the
(15:51):
time to remove yourself from it,you're always attached to it,
and so what happens is you canget a bit biased about what it
is you're thinking because ofthe situation.
But if you get a chance to stepaway, it gives you, it provides
you the opportunity to havesome clarity, to think
differently, or not even tothink differently, but to
clearly think about what it isthat is going on, what it is
(16:14):
that you wanna say.
And then it provides anopportunity to address a
situation in a different manneror look at it from a different
point of view.
Sandy (16:21):
Well, to be honest, I feel like sometimes just even
having a conversation can besomewhat distracting, you know.
So when.
That's why I said, you know,while I like talking to you and
through things with you, thattime alone, like you said, is
that introspection, because itmight not be something I think
(16:42):
of in the moment too, and then Ihave the time to just cause I
have a little bit more peace andquiet.
You know, and I'm not trying toalmost like analyze what you're
telling me, to then think abouthow you know, not in a bad way,
like how my response is gonnabe to that, by not having that
(17:06):
and just kind of talking throughit and by myself, I feel like
it just sometimes is easier toput my thoughts and ideas and
feelings most of all intoperspective.
Terrance (17:18):
So do you think that introducing the concept or
someone saying okay, well, Ineed some me time can pose some
challenges?
Sandy (17:28):
Oh yeah, for sure.
I feel like people may takethat as an affront to them.
Like well, why do you need metime?
Like you know what's your issuewith me.
You know that now you need timealone.
Terrance (17:46):
Yeah, I can see, in certain situations, depending on
who it is, someone can be veryinsecure if you say, hey, I need
some me time, yeah, and I thinkthe challenge with that is, you
know, seeing it as being metime and not seeing it as being
away from me.
Sandy (18:02):
Right.
Terrance (18:04):
And that's one of the challenges that, depending on
who it is, there are some peoplewho they don't have any issue
with it because they're verysecure, and not just who they
are, but in their relationship.
And that's the thing you know.
Like I said, on the two sidesof the coin, on one hand you
know together, you have thatopportunity to be together and
build trust, and that's a bigpart of it like building trust.
(18:24):
But on the other hand, if it'sa situation where someone
doesn't view it as me time, theyview it as away from me time,
then that can actually be anissue.
Sandy (18:34):
Yeah.
And along Time versus not withyou time, yeah.
Terrance (18:41):
And along with that, you know, some people may feel
like they're being neglectedbecause you're choosing to
actually spend some time onyourself and not time on them.
Sandy (18:57):
I remember when I used to tell you all the time you
should go out.
What, like you know causesomebody would like invite you
to something and then you'd belike debating and I would be
like, go, why won't you?
Terrance (19:09):
I don't know what you're talking about.
The only time I was with debateis because it wasn't something
that I wanted to do.
Sandy (19:15):
Well, sometimes you'd come home and then you'd like I
don't know if I'd be like goingback home.
Yeah, but that's but to me I'mlike, you know, you should go,
go get your time, you know.
Terrance (19:26):
Yeah, that's not me.
Time is not time out withsomeone who you're debating on
whether or not you want toactually be with.
That's not my definition of metime.
If I come home and say, oh, I'mnot sure, then I don't really
want to go.
How many times was what I tellyou listen after work I'm doing
this or I'm going to be doingthis, this.
I don't have no time.
I don't have a problem findingtime for me.
(19:48):
If someone invites me tosomething and I'm like, ah, you
know, I may feel a littleobligated because of who they
are.
That's one of those situationswhere I was like, eh, it's never
a situation where, oh well, I,you know, I want to go, but I
don't want you to feel insecureor, you know, leave you or no.
Sandy (20:08):
I really don't want to go .
Well, no for me.
Sometimes I get lazy and onceI'm home I don't feel like
leaving again.
Terrance (20:14):
The challenge with that is this too when I look at
the location of where theseevents are taking place, yeah,
when I get home I ain't goingback out, right, because now you
depend most of the time.
It's going to be like inProvidence.
And so you're going to have tofight through traffic to get
back into Providence.
Yeah.
You know what I mean.
And many times it's going toentail someone having a beverage
(20:36):
or two.
And now you got to be concernedwith okay, well, if I have a
couple drinks, I still got todrive all the way back home
where you know they're local, somy downfall is sitting on the
couch.
Sandy (20:47):
Once I sit on the couch, forget it.
I'm probably not leaving thehouse.
Terrance (20:50):
Yeah, and we're getting a little sidetracked
with the downfalls.
But you know another challenge.
Well, as part of thosechallenges, when you start
talking about insecurity, whenyou start talking about you know
, someone possibly feelingneglected, I think it all comes
down to misunderstandings.
Yeah.
And I think that that can be abig challenge, because sometimes
(21:13):
well, I say this all the timeyou can't change how a person
really feels.
Only they can.
Sandy (21:22):
Correct.
Terrance (21:23):
And if someone has an insecurity.
Yeah.
That insecurity is theirs todeal with.
Now you can do all you can tohelp put them in the position so
they don't feel that way, buttruly they're the only ones who
can actually get themselves fromfeeling that way.
Sandy (21:44):
Yeah.
And honestly, I think that isprobably the biggest issue with
the meantime.
I feel like it, thepredominantly, at least
everything I've heard frompeople I know.
It's always that insecurity.
It's never anything outside ofthat.
I feel like people understandthe value of me time, but then
(22:07):
they're insecure to allow it tohappen.
Terrance (22:10):
Well, I know that people have changed their lives
when they get into arelationship, and let me explain
what I mean.
You know, every Sunday, sundayis Sunday's run day, or ride day
.
Yeah, that's my day, and weused to run with a lot of people
(22:30):
until they got into arelationship or their
significant other decided listen, I don't want you to do that,
because then what am I going todo?
That was their me time.
For a lot of them, that was thetime where they de-stressed.
(22:51):
That was a time when they foundcamaraderie, where they found
brotherhood and, to be honest,where they had the opportunity
to work on their health,physically and mentally.
Sandy (23:07):
Yeah well, honestly, I find that very sad, especially
in the scenario where it's ohwell, what am I gonna do while
you're doing this me time?
Well, that's when you have youtime.
Well you know like you justboth have your own me time.
Terrance (23:21):
Yeah, I'm not gonna name specific names, but there
was one situation where I wastalking to.
I was talking to a buddy who Iused to run with and he was like
oh yeah, you know, my new girl,she don't want me running on
Sundays.
Da, da, da, da da.
And I'm like, okay, well, youknow, you guys gotta try to find
a way where he goes.
I tried, you know, I asked her,you know.
(23:42):
I said you know, she can evencome, you know, running with me
on some days and so she can getinto it.
She was like nah, I said listen, I said sounds to me like-.
That sounds a little selfish,you know right, I said it sounds
to me like she might be alittle insecure and you know she
doesn't want you being apartfrom her for very long.
Sandy (24:08):
Right which is kind of funny because they're just going
out running with a bunch ofother guys like what trouble are
they?
Gonna get into?
I don't really know.
Terrance (24:18):
And the thing about it is this Not like.
Sandy (24:21):
Oh, you know, I need some me time.
I'm gonna go to the clubtonight.
Terrance (24:24):
There is so much that running for us on Sunday does
and when I say so much, I'mtalking outside of the physical
aspect of it.
You know what I mean.
We really have a brotherhoodwhere, from a mental health
perspective, from theperspective of de-stression,
from the perspective of justclowning, we get so much out of
(24:47):
that run group that we actuallydo that for us as individuals
and as men.
It does a lot for ourrelationships because, again, we
have all these conversationsabout this, that and the other,
about marriage, about kids,about all of these things, and
we have each other as a soundingboard, we have each other as
(25:10):
brothers to actually, you know,just have our time, and that
makes us better men, which makesus better husbands, which makes
us better to deal with actualrelationships.
So I think when we start talkingabout that concept of meantime,
you know the challenge is, Iknow that they exist out there,
but people really have to find away to actually start getting
(25:31):
over those.
I do have some strategies thatpeople can use to help their
significant others to get onboard when we start talking
about the meantime.
And the first one is it's notrocket science, it's something
we talk about all the time, andthat's honest and open
communication.
I think, behind honest and opencommunication, there's that
(25:52):
element of trust that you havehad to have built, and now the
thing with trust, though, isthis you can do everything in
your power to show someone thatthey should trust you.
Yeah.
Whether or not they choose to.
That's on them and that's for awhole another episode that's
not here, but I think that whenyou start talking about honest
(26:14):
and open communication, I thinkthat's one of the strategies
that you really need to enlist.
When you're start talking abouthow do I deal with being able
to have the time to do myselfdiscovery, to make sure that I'm
doing what I need for myself soI can do what I need to do for
us.
Sandy (26:35):
Yeah, so you know, for me too, I think, right, like I
have a similar situation, right,I run with Danielle all the
time right, you know why you usethe names.
Well, because I run withDanielle all the time right, and
obviously it's very similarsituation.
(26:56):
It's like our catch up time wetalk about.
You know how our week went?
Terrance (27:01):
just like what's going on?
When you said situation, Ididn't know which situation we
was talking about.
I thought you was talking aboutthe situation where the brother
was saying that his significantother wasn't gonna let him run.
Sandy (27:09):
No, no, but well, it's a long-winded way of getting there
, but anyhow.
So, like you experience it withyour friends, I experience it
with Danielle and I feel likethat can also help that trust
situation because, like, ifyou're having a similar type of
(27:31):
situation and you realize, ohwell, when I go running with
Danielle, it's really morefostering our relationship.
It has nothing to do with youknow some other person that's
out there and I just wanna getaway from you.
You know what I mean, like it'shaving similarity, but
(27:56):
separately.
Terrance (27:59):
I get what you're saying.
Whatever you choose to do, aslong as it's for you, it's fine.
I think when we start talkingabout, you know that open
communication and strategies tostart dealing with those
individuals who might beinsecure or who might have an
issue with.
Sandy (28:14):
Well, that's what I mean.
If Mike, to his point I thinkthat was a good thing Was like
hey, maybe you should tryrunning because, like experience
, this you know you don't haveto do it with me 100% of the
time, but maybe you can alsofoster your own separate group
that you can develop that typeof relationship with yeah, you
(28:34):
can try that, and if thatdoesn't work, I think having a
conversation about each other'sneeds then comes up right,
because you have to be able tosay, okay, well, I need this,
and here's why Now everyone hastheir own individual needs.
Terrance (28:54):
The problem comes in when one person believes that
their needs are greater than theother person's and there's no
room for compromise.
So having that conversationabout each other's needs is
important.
Then, after you have thatconversation about the needs,
you gotta set the expectationsright, and so, regardless of
(29:16):
when you're gonna have that metime or how often, at what
interval, you got to set thoseexpectations.
And by setting thoseexpectations and having the
conversation about those needs,now what you're doing is you're
laying out, okay, well, the map.
This is why I need to do this,this is when I'm going to, this
(29:37):
is what I'm actually doing.
Sandy (29:39):
Right, and it's not dropping it on them at like at
the last minute, like, oh well,I wanted to make these plans,
like you and I, we had it towhere Saturday mornings was my
time, sunday mornings was yourtime, I knew, and not to
schedule things on Sundaymornings with you, but so we
would.
I'd schedule something in theafternoon, you know, early
(30:01):
evening, right, like, and I justknew because that was your time
.
So why?
Why would I expect you to giveup something Just because I
personally want to schedule?
Terrance (30:13):
and I know you didn't expect that, cuz you know my
answer Sunday is Monday.
Sandy (30:17):
Sorry, no, but I mean to your point, I having those
expectations, you know, and it'snot like you know, you come in
and be being like, oh you knowwhat, this Sunday afternoon I'm,
I'm out.
Terrance (30:33):
And it's.
Sandy (30:33):
Saturday and I'm like but but that's the thing.
Terrance (30:36):
Once you set that expectation, then you start
working on boundaries androutines, right and so you know,
if I said, all right, listen,every Sunday I'm gonna be gone
from eight in the morning tilleight at night.
That's a long run.
Sandy (30:51):
I mean well, I didn't say I was gonna be running.
Terrance (30:53):
I just said.
I just said I'm gonna be gone,it's me time.
Sandy (30:56):
Yeah.
Terrance (30:57):
I think that you know, that's where you know okay.
Well, you got a, you got a setof boundary.
Mm-hmm and the routine part isagain, you know, we have the
routine, like when I, when Icome home, you know my routine.
It may even walking, dependingon how cold it is, but even
walking, jax, when I get home,that's me time.
Yeah take them out.
I've gotten home from work,take them out.
(31:20):
Get that little loop in.
It's part of the routine andthat gives me the opportunity
Although it doesn't come up if Ineed to start thinking about
something or getting somethingoff you know my chest, that's
time to do it.
I tell you I get a lot of metime again.
I get up at four in the morning.
Yeah if I'm not on the bike orif I'm not learning a language.
You know I'm doing one of thosethings.
(31:40):
But then I go into the office.
I get into the office at 6 30.
The next person doesn't come intill 7, 15, 7, 30.
Yeah.
I have all that time for me now.
Many times I'm doing work,whether it's work for the office
or work for all of this, butit's still.
It's me time.
It's that quiet time, so yeahyou know, that's part of that's
(32:03):
part of my routine and, again,from a boundary perspective, I
don't come home and say, hey,listen, I'm not you.
I need time until eight o'clock.
You know what I mean.
Sandy (32:19):
No, but it does make me think about I don't know people
who I would talk to aboutrunning.
They're like ah, I hate it.
You know I hate running alonethis and that, and I said Sounds
like you're doing it wrong.
I said that's me time, what I'mrunning.
I don't run with music, it'sjust me.
Terrance (32:41):
Everybody's time oh different.
It's not any time.
It's me time.
Sandy (32:46):
I'm like why wouldn't you want like that time alone, like
you don't have any distractions, there's nobody else, you're
just out there and you're alsoin enjoying some cardio and
making yourself healthy at thesame time?
Terrance (33:01):
I think you need to look at it from the perspective
of Me time to some people, tojust sitting down and just
watching TV.
Sitting down and every.
You know it's different, it'sdifferent from everyone and it
just for us.
It's just coincidence that someof the things that we do are
similar.
Mm-hmm, that's all it is.
But Back to back to strategies.
(33:26):
You know, I think it'simportant.
Not only you know we talkedabout.
You know setting expectations,routines and boundaries, but you
have to continue to nurture theconnection that you have with
your partner.
It's not something that.
Sandy (33:40):
Right?
Well, you can't just say, oh, Ineed all this me time, but
we're not spending any timetogether either.
Terrance (33:45):
No, well, you know, and and again you got to look at
it.
You have to invest time in yourrelationship.
Yeah otherwise If, if it's allme time, then you don't need to
be in the relationship.
You know what I mean.
But you have to continue tonurture that, that connection,
and in a big part of that isregular communication.
(34:07):
And Regular communicationunfortunately or fortunately,
depending on who you are comesin many, many forms.
You know a lot of peoplecommunicate now through text,
although I think that's a bitimpersonal.
But yeah you have so manydifferent ways to actually
communicate and Nobody well, Iwas gonna say nobody uses the
(34:29):
phone anymore.
Some people still use the phone, although it may be a cell
phone, but still I, you know, Ithink the number of people who
are actually engaging in voicecalls is drastically Dropping as
well.
But again, to nurture thatconnection, you got to have that
regular communication.
You can't be in a situationwhere you know let's say me time
, you, your time is just for anhour a day.
(34:52):
Yeah and then you don't speakthe rest of the day.
Well, it's not as though allyour time is, you know, you're
using for yourself, but at thesame time, that time that's
actually there, you're notinvesting in that relationship
or communicating with that otherindividual, and that can cause
a problem.
Sandy (35:08):
Yeah, because my perspective was thinking more
along the lines of quality time.
Yeah, well you're going foryour meantime, and then all
we're doing is sitting at homeand watching TV every night,
like yeah, you got to find theopportunity a spice to like you
got to find it.
Well, I'm not gonna call itspice you you buy, you got to
find the opportunity to engagein some shared activities.
Terrance (35:29):
So Again, regardless of what it is, you know it's not
gonna be running for somepeople, but yeah you do have to
spend time With that personother than sitting in the same
room With both of you being onyour actual phones correct.
Sandy (35:45):
The perspective of the running comment wasn't
specifically about Running, itwas more about just go walking,
do anything, but at least takethe time, yeah, for yourself.
Like you, you can Be byyourself.
You don't have to do somethingwith everybody Like, yeah, okay.
Terrance (36:05):
I think you know people need to understand that.
You know Space in arelationship is essential for
growth.
I mean, it's essential forself-care, it's essential for
maintaining your individualidentity.
But at the same time, you knowyou need to make sure that when
you start talking about being ina relationship with someone,
you know that level of mutualrespect is there, that level of
(36:27):
effective communication is there.
Regardless, you have tocontinue to nurture that
connection.
So when you start talking aboutnavigating that relationship or
dealing with challenges in thatrelationship, that Foundation
is there.
You know when, when you look atbalancing togetherness with
(36:49):
independence, if you can do that, then from a From the
perspective of having a healthyand fulfilling partnership,
that's something that you canhave.
That's going to stay in thetest of time.
Now let's talk about what I hadto reflect on this week.
(37:10):
As we talk about me versus wetime.
You can't measure how close twopeople are based on their
proximity.
Sometimes, through trust andthe ability to allow each other
space, that connection can growstronger.
That's it for this episode ofthe lunch with Sandy podcast.
(37:31):
Thank you for joining us.
Please remember to leavefeedback and follow on your
favorite podcasting app untilnext time, stay well.
Announcer (37:43):
That's it for this week's episode of the lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
tiktok and Twitter at lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:23):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and provide
insight and perspective from thepoint of view of a married
couple.
I'm Terrance and I'm Sandy, andtoday I want to have a
discussion about the concept ofme time.
(01:05):
But before that, pleaseremember to follow us using your
favorite podcasting app.
You can also follow us onsocial media at lunch with Sandy
, and speaking of Sandy, sandyyes, what's the deal?
How are you doing?
Sandy (01:26):
today I'm good.
I feel like I'm going intovacation semi calmly, which is
nice.
Terrance (01:34):
I don't know what going into vacation semi, semi
calmly means.
Sandy (01:38):
Well, you know when work is too crazy and you continue to
feel like the craziness eventhough you're done with work.
Terrance (01:48):
I don't have that problem.
You know why.
You know this.
I've been practicing to leaveit at the door technique for
many, many moons.
That means when I leave work,all of that baggage stays at
that door.
When I walk out I'll pick itback up when I come back in.
Sandy (02:04):
Yeah, well, sometimes it's not as easy, because then
you worry about the baggage thatyou're going to have to pick
back up.
Terrance (02:12):
Well, I'm not saying you personally.
Well, I'm going to put it toyou this way your company is not
a company of one, and ifsomething unfortunate were to
happen to you, they would moveon.
When you look at it from thatperspective, it puts a lot of
things right where they belong.
I'm doing great today.
(02:33):
Well, that's wonderful.
I just had the opportunity tohang out with Maya.
Travis bought Maya over.
She was a little shy at first,but then, by the time she was
ready to go, she was playingwith Lego.
She was talking eating cookies.
That's right, it was good.
Sandy (02:49):
Now I'm not playing the Legos with her.
Terrance (02:52):
Well, we'll let you believe that it might be another
five years before we see heragain, but it was still a
beautiful morning.
Sandy (03:03):
It was.
Terrance (03:04):
Now I realized something.
I see you a lot and that mightsound like We'll see that we
live in the same house so youknow when you're in a
relationship, whether it bemarried or just, you know, going
steady, as the old folks wouldsay the potential exists for you
to be around someone an awfullot, and that could be a good
(03:29):
thing.
For the most part it's a goodthing, but that can start the
way on you.
Sometimes you may want a littleelbow room.
Sometimes you may want a littlespace.
You know what I mean.
Sandy (03:40):
That's why you work different schedules, right.
Terrance (03:42):
Well, we don't work different schedules, no, we
don't, I was being sarcastic.
In many relationships thismight be something that comes up
, and there's a phrase thatcomes into mind that I'm going
to ask you Does absence make theheart grow fonder?
Sandy (04:05):
I think to a point and then after that it's just like
out of sight, out of mind.
Terrance (04:10):
So let's take a trip back.
Mm-hmm.
I want to say when are we going?
Well, we're going back in time.
We're going to take a trip backin time.
You recently did a girls trip.
How was it?
Sandy (04:23):
It was great.
Terrance (04:24):
It was great.
It gave you an opportunity tobe with those of your ilk.
I like that word, ilk, but itgave you an opportunity to
recharge your battery, hang outwith some friends and have a
good time.
It gave you the opportunity Tomiss you.
(04:47):
I was going to say it gave youthe opportunity to have some me
time, and I think that when youstart talking about
relationships, I think some ofthe ones that are very, very
successful are the ones wherethe two individuals find a way
to maintain a delicate balanceof coming together and
(05:10):
maintaining some form ofindependence, and when I say
some form of independence, Imean finding that time to focus
on them, to make them better, tofocus on the relationship.
Sandy (05:24):
Yeah, because I don't know, being together like 24-7
all the time, I would thinkwould start wearing on the
nerves a little bit.
Terrance (05:35):
Well and technically you're not together 24-7.
If you work, I mean if you guysare sitting around a house and
you're independently wealthy, oryou're just a bum then yeah,
well, yeah, I get what you'resaying.
I think that when you starttalking about the concept of me
time, there are two things thatI think about.
On the one hand, when you'retogether with someone, in your
(06:01):
inner relationship, spendingtime, spending quality time, has
the tendency to strengthen yourbond.
Right, you have the opportunityto build trust, you know, you
have the opportunity to work onyour communication, and that
time that you spend together isreally time that you're
investing in that relationship.
(06:22):
But, on the other hand, if youcannot maintain your individual
identity, that can be a problem,because it's crucial to
maintain who you are, becauseeach person has their own unique
values and qualities andperspectives and experience, and
(06:43):
that's something that youactually bring to the
relationship.
Right now, we're talking abouttrying to find that balance
between you know, being togetheras a couple and finding that
time so you can actually havethe time to be who you are and
work on yourself.
And I was saying earlier thatwhen you come into a
relationship, you have your ownvalues, your experience and
(07:03):
perspectives and you have to beable to, while in a relationship
, promote each other's personalgrowth.
You have to be able to learnfrom one another.
You have to be able to fosterthat mutual respect between each
other, and that's a part ofbeing yourself, that's a part of
(07:27):
being who you are.
So when I talk about theconcept of you know, being
balancing, being together andhaving me time, as long as you
nurture those parts of yourrelationship, then I think that
(07:50):
only adds to the probability ofthat relationship being a
success.
Because now, when that balanceis there again, the me time is
going to promote that personalgrowth and the time that you
have together, like I saidearlier, is an investment in you
know, time put into the actualrelationship.
(08:11):
And there are some benefits forhaving that time to yourself.
Like I said, when you went away, you had that time to recharge,
you had that time to kick itwith the girls.
Sandy (08:25):
So what about you, though ?
While I was gone, how did youfeel?
Did you feel like you hadalmost some time to yourself too
?
Terrance (08:34):
Yeah, I always have time to myself.
I always make time to myselfwhen I talk about me.
Time you don't necessarily haveto.
It doesn't have to be extendedtime away.
Yeah.
You know you can find me timewithin the day.
As long as you have theopportunity to spend some time
to think about or take care ofwhat it is you need to do
(08:55):
personally, then it can be fiveminutes, it can be an hour.
I get me time in every day.
I'm the first person up.
It's me and Jack's time in themorning.
Everybody else is asleep.
I get a chance to do what Ineed to do first thing in the
morning.
Sandy (09:10):
Yeah, no, and I usually get my me time at night.
Yeah.
Once either you or Ayla aregone and if I'm home alone.
Terrance (09:20):
Yeah, yes.
So, like I said, I mean thereare some benefits to being able
to get that time in for yourself.
I mentioned earlier thateveryone has, you know,
different experiences, but inaddition to that, you have your
own hobbies, desires, thingsthat you like to do.
Yeah.
So if you can spend time doingthose things again, that makes
(09:44):
you a more complete, healthy,happier person.
So having the time to do thatis a benefit.
Sandy (09:52):
Yeah, definitely, I don't honestly watch you around me
when I'm playing my piano, justas part of one of those things.
Terrance (10:01):
Well, I mean I don't wanna be around you when you're
playing your piano.
Sandy (10:03):
I mean, like that's my me time right, Like you're not
playing an instrument too oranything, so you would just be
sitting there.
Yes, you could have said it alittle differently.
Terrance (10:14):
I don't wanna be around you when you're playing
your piano.
Sandy (10:16):
And it's distracting sometimes having other people in
the room.
Terrance (10:21):
Yeah, when you start talking about building something
or being a part of something,regardless of whether or not
it's a relationship well, we'retalking about relationships,
regardless of whether or notyou're married you have to have
that time for self-discovery.
You're gonna have a time whereyou start to find out who you
(10:44):
are as a couple.
Yep.
But we grow and we change on aregular basis and you need time
for that self-discovery.
And I think that's one of thebenefits, because self-discovery
it helps you understand yourvalues, your strengths, your
weaknesses, and so now, when youstart talking about building
something together, when youunderstand those things, you
(11:06):
know where you're a match, youknow where you're strong in one
area, you know where you'regoing to need help in another
area.
So being able to have that timeto do self-discovery is very
important.
Sandy (11:20):
Yeah, and honestly, as part of that self-discovery, you
may realize that you're notalways into the same activities
too.
So you know that me time isthen used to continue, you know,
enjoying that particularactivity even if the other
(11:41):
person doesn't want to.
So I think that's kind ofimportant because also Really
understanding why you like it,why you know you want it to do
it and so forth, and if you'rejust doing it together, it might
kind of, I guess, not feel asvalued, for lack of a better
(12:04):
term.
Terrance (12:05):
Well, the other thing that that self discovery does is
it provides you with.
It provides you with selfawareness right and then, from
the perspective of you know,being aware of who you are, that
helps you when you starttalking about decision making
and your ability to deal withchallenges.
Sandy (12:27):
Well, yeah, especially with the decision making,
because I like to be able totalk with you about decisions,
but then I also like my timealone to me, in my own head,
with me, myself and I, and talkto myself, talk to myself
through things.
Terrance (12:43):
Yeah, you struggled with that one a little bit, I
think.
Sandy (12:46):
I think the three of y'all couldn't come out with the
words correctly.
Terrance (12:49):
Probably not, you know so let me ask you this you know
, one of the benefits of beingapart for a short period of time
is, again, when they say, theheart grows fonder.
They're talking aboutreigniting, and I don't know.
(13:10):
I don't even know if I want touse the term reigniting, but
when you miss someone and yousee them again, there's a
passion there to actually try tomake up for that lost time,
even though the time could bevery, very short.
Sandy (13:24):
Well, I think sometimes it's also just being away from
someone, just, I think, makesyou appreciate them.
Terrance (13:33):
It does I mean.
Sandy (13:34):
You know what I mean.
It doesn't have to necessarilybe like a reigniting or
rekindling, like oh my goodness,we've been away from each other
for a whole day, you know.
But I think it also puts thingsinto perspective of like too
bad, he's not here to appreciatethis, or too bad they're not
here to help me with that, youknow.
So I think it gives you thatappreciation.
Terrance (13:58):
Yes, that's, that's the.
You know what that's called,the appreciation for.
You know it's for reflectionand introspection.
That's one of the things thatspace actually provides you.
It gives you the opportunity tosit and think about.
You know what's going on withme, what's going on with us and
all those other things.
When you have the opportunityto have time apart, you're going
(14:24):
to be surrounded by differentstimuli, and that's good,
because when you have the sameold, same old, things don't
change.
And when I say things don'tchange when you're used to going
through the same routine yeah.
I think you get comfortable.
But when the stimuli is alittle different, whether you're
(14:44):
in a different place or you'rearound different personal, you
have that time to yourself.
You know, sometimes ideas spark.
Sandy (14:50):
Yeah.
Terrance (14:52):
And the ideas can be centered around any different
things, but it gives you theopportunity to start thinking
about different things that youcan now bring back to the
relationship and start workingon as a pair.
Sandy (15:04):
Yeah, see, when you started talking about that, I
started thinking about the wordmundane.
Terrance (15:11):
I mean, that's one way to say it.
Sandy (15:13):
So it gets a little mundane, like just the same
thing over and over and overagain, like you know who wants
to eat the same foods over andover again, like so who wants
the same exact day over and overagain.
Terrance (15:28):
Yeah, you know, the other thing that I think having
some space apart does is I thinkit provides and again, this is,
this is more along the lineswhen I was talking about that,
you know reflection andintrospection.
It provides clarity.
Sometimes you're in a situationwhere, if you don't have the
(15:51):
time to remove yourself from it,you're always attached to it,
and so what happens is you canget a bit biased about what it
is you're thinking because ofthe situation.
But if you get a chance to stepaway, it gives you, it provides
you the opportunity to havesome clarity, to think
differently, or not even tothink differently, but to
clearly think about what it isthat is going on, what it is
(16:14):
that you wanna say.
And then it provides anopportunity to address a
situation in a different manneror look at it from a different
point of view.
Sandy (16:21):
Well, to be honest, I feel like sometimes just even
having a conversation can besomewhat distracting, you know.
So when.
That's why I said, you know,while I like talking to you and
through things with you, thattime alone, like you said, is
that introspection, because itmight not be something I think
(16:42):
of in the moment too, and then Ihave the time to just cause I
have a little bit more peace andquiet.
You know, and I'm not trying toalmost like analyze what you're
telling me, to then think abouthow you know, not in a bad way,
like how my response is gonnabe to that, by not having that
(17:06):
and just kind of talking throughit and by myself, I feel like
it just sometimes is easier toput my thoughts and ideas and
feelings most of all intoperspective.
Terrance (17:18):
So do you think that introducing the concept or
someone saying okay, well, Ineed some me time can pose some
challenges?
Sandy (17:28):
Oh yeah, for sure.
I feel like people may takethat as an affront to them.
Like well, why do you need metime?
Like you know what's your issuewith me.
You know that now you need timealone.
Terrance (17:46):
Yeah, I can see, in certain situations, depending on
who it is, someone can be veryinsecure if you say, hey, I need
some me time, yeah, and I thinkthe challenge with that is, you
know, seeing it as being metime and not seeing it as being
away from me.
Sandy (18:02):
Right.
Terrance (18:04):
And that's one of the challenges that, depending on
who it is, there are some peoplewho they don't have any issue
with it because they're verysecure, and not just who they
are, but in their relationship.
And that's the thing you know.
Like I said, on the two sidesof the coin, on one hand you
know together, you have thatopportunity to be together and
build trust, and that's a bigpart of it like building trust.
(18:24):
But on the other hand, if it'sa situation where someone
doesn't view it as me time, theyview it as away from me time,
then that can actually be anissue.
Sandy (18:34):
Yeah.
And along Time versus not withyou time, yeah.
Terrance (18:41):
And along with that, you know, some people may feel
like they're being neglectedbecause you're choosing to
actually spend some time onyourself and not time on them.
Sandy (18:57):
I remember when I used to tell you all the time you
should go out.
What, like you know causesomebody would like invite you
to something and then you'd belike debating and I would be
like, go, why won't you?
Terrance (19:09):
I don't know what you're talking about.
The only time I was with debateis because it wasn't something
that I wanted to do.
Sandy (19:15):
Well, sometimes you'd come home and then you'd like I
don't know if I'd be like goingback home.
Yeah, but that's but to me I'mlike, you know, you should go,
go get your time, you know.
Terrance (19:26):
Yeah, that's not me.
Time is not time out withsomeone who you're debating on
whether or not you want toactually be with.
That's not my definition of metime.
If I come home and say, oh, I'mnot sure, then I don't really
want to go.
How many times was what I tellyou listen after work I'm doing
this or I'm going to be doingthis, this.
I don't have no time.
I don't have a problem findingtime for me.
(19:48):
If someone invites me tosomething and I'm like, ah, you
know, I may feel a littleobligated because of who they
are.
That's one of those situationswhere I was like, eh, it's never
a situation where, oh well, I,you know, I want to go, but I
don't want you to feel insecureor, you know, leave you or no.
Sandy (20:08):
I really don't want to go .
Well, no for me.
Sometimes I get lazy and onceI'm home I don't feel like
leaving again.
Terrance (20:14):
The challenge with that is this too when I look at
the location of where theseevents are taking place, yeah,
when I get home I ain't goingback out, right, because now you
depend most of the time.
It's going to be like inProvidence.
And so you're going to have tofight through traffic to get
back into Providence.
Yeah.
You know what I mean.
And many times it's going toentail someone having a beverage
(20:36):
or two.
And now you got to be concernedwith okay, well, if I have a
couple drinks, I still got todrive all the way back home
where you know they're local, somy downfall is sitting on the
couch.
Sandy (20:47):
Once I sit on the couch, forget it.
I'm probably not leaving thehouse.
Terrance (20:50):
Yeah, and we're getting a little sidetracked
with the downfalls.
But you know another challenge.
Well, as part of thosechallenges, when you start
talking about insecurity, whenyou start talking about you know
, someone possibly feelingneglected, I think it all comes
down to misunderstandings.
Yeah.
And I think that that can be abig challenge, because sometimes
(21:13):
well, I say this all the timeyou can't change how a person
really feels.
Only they can.
Sandy (21:22):
Correct.
Terrance (21:23):
And if someone has an insecurity.
Yeah.
That insecurity is theirs todeal with.
Now you can do all you can tohelp put them in the position so
they don't feel that way, buttruly they're the only ones who
can actually get themselves fromfeeling that way.
Sandy (21:44):
Yeah.
And honestly, I think that isprobably the biggest issue with
the meantime.
I feel like it, thepredominantly, at least
everything I've heard frompeople I know.
It's always that insecurity.
It's never anything outside ofthat.
I feel like people understandthe value of me time, but then
(22:07):
they're insecure to allow it tohappen.
Terrance (22:10):
Well, I know that people have changed their lives
when they get into arelationship, and let me explain
what I mean.
You know, every Sunday, sundayis Sunday's run day, or ride day
.
Yeah, that's my day, and weused to run with a lot of people
(22:30):
until they got into arelationship or their
significant other decided listen, I don't want you to do that,
because then what am I going todo?
That was their me time.
For a lot of them, that was thetime where they de-stressed.
(22:51):
That was a time when they foundcamaraderie, where they found
brotherhood and, to be honest,where they had the opportunity
to work on their health,physically and mentally.
Sandy (23:07):
Yeah well, honestly, I find that very sad, especially
in the scenario where it's ohwell, what am I gonna do while
you're doing this me time?
Well, that's when you have youtime.
Well you know like you justboth have your own me time.
Terrance (23:21):
Yeah, I'm not gonna name specific names, but there
was one situation where I wastalking to.
I was talking to a buddy who Iused to run with and he was like
oh yeah, you know, my new girl,she don't want me running on
Sundays.
Da, da, da, da da.
And I'm like, okay, well, youknow, you guys gotta try to find
a way where he goes.
I tried, you know, I asked her,you know.
(23:42):
I said you know, she can evencome, you know, running with me
on some days and so she can getinto it.
She was like nah, I said listen, I said sounds to me like-.
That sounds a little selfish,you know right, I said it sounds
to me like she might be alittle insecure and you know she
doesn't want you being apartfrom her for very long.
Sandy (24:08):
Right which is kind of funny because they're just going
out running with a bunch ofother guys like what trouble are
they?
Gonna get into?
I don't really know.
Terrance (24:18):
And the thing about it is this Not like.
Sandy (24:21):
Oh, you know, I need some me time.
I'm gonna go to the clubtonight.
Terrance (24:24):
There is so much that running for us on Sunday does
and when I say so much, I'mtalking outside of the physical
aspect of it.
You know what I mean.
We really have a brotherhoodwhere, from a mental health
perspective, from theperspective of de-stression,
from the perspective of justclowning, we get so much out of
(24:47):
that run group that we actuallydo that for us as individuals
and as men.
It does a lot for ourrelationships because, again, we
have all these conversationsabout this, that and the other,
about marriage, about kids,about all of these things, and
we have each other as a soundingboard, we have each other as
(25:10):
brothers to actually, you know,just have our time, and that
makes us better men, which makesus better husbands, which makes
us better to deal with actualrelationships.
So I think when we start talkingabout that concept of meantime,
you know the challenge is, Iknow that they exist out there,
but people really have to find away to actually start getting
(25:31):
over those.
I do have some strategies thatpeople can use to help their
significant others to get onboard when we start talking
about the meantime.
And the first one is it's notrocket science, it's something
we talk about all the time, andthat's honest and open
communication.
I think, behind honest and opencommunication, there's that
(25:52):
element of trust that you havehad to have built, and now the
thing with trust, though, isthis you can do everything in
your power to show someone thatthey should trust you.
Yeah.
Whether or not they choose to.
That's on them and that's for awhole another episode that's
not here, but I think that whenyou start talking about honest
(26:14):
and open communication, I thinkthat's one of the strategies
that you really need to enlist.
When you're start talking abouthow do I deal with being able
to have the time to do myselfdiscovery, to make sure that I'm
doing what I need for myself soI can do what I need to do for
us.
Sandy (26:35):
Yeah, so you know, for me too, I think, right, like I
have a similar situation, right,I run with Danielle all the
time right, you know why you usethe names.
Well, because I run withDanielle all the time right, and
obviously it's very similarsituation.
(26:56):
It's like our catch up time wetalk about.
You know how our week went?
Terrance (27:01):
just like what's going on?
When you said situation, Ididn't know which situation we
was talking about.
I thought you was talking aboutthe situation where the brother
was saying that his significantother wasn't gonna let him run.
Sandy (27:09):
No, no, but well, it's a long-winded way of getting there
, but anyhow.
So, like you experience it withyour friends, I experience it
with Danielle and I feel likethat can also help that trust
situation because, like, ifyou're having a similar type of
(27:31):
situation and you realize, ohwell, when I go running with
Danielle, it's really morefostering our relationship.
It has nothing to do with youknow some other person that's
out there and I just wanna getaway from you.
You know what I mean, like it'shaving similarity, but
(27:56):
separately.
Terrance (27:59):
I get what you're saying.
Whatever you choose to do, aslong as it's for you, it's fine.
I think when we start talkingabout, you know that open
communication and strategies tostart dealing with those
individuals who might beinsecure or who might have an
issue with.
Sandy (28:14):
Well, that's what I mean.
If Mike, to his point I thinkthat was a good thing Was like
hey, maybe you should tryrunning because, like experience
, this you know you don't haveto do it with me 100% of the
time, but maybe you can alsofoster your own separate group
that you can develop that typeof relationship with yeah, you
(28:34):
can try that, and if thatdoesn't work, I think having a
conversation about each other'sneeds then comes up right,
because you have to be able tosay, okay, well, I need this,
and here's why Now everyone hastheir own individual needs.
Terrance (28:54):
The problem comes in when one person believes that
their needs are greater than theother person's and there's no
room for compromise.
So having that conversationabout each other's needs is
important.
Then, after you have thatconversation about the needs,
you gotta set the expectationsright, and so, regardless of
(29:16):
when you're gonna have that metime or how often, at what
interval, you got to set thoseexpectations.
And by setting thoseexpectations and having the
conversation about those needs,now what you're doing is you're
laying out, okay, well, the map.
This is why I need to do this,this is when I'm going to, this
(29:37):
is what I'm actually doing.
Sandy (29:39):
Right, and it's not dropping it on them at like at
the last minute, like, oh well,I wanted to make these plans,
like you and I, we had it towhere Saturday mornings was my
time, sunday mornings was yourtime, I knew, and not to
schedule things on Sundaymornings with you, but so we
would.
I'd schedule something in theafternoon, you know, early
(30:01):
evening, right, like, and I justknew because that was your time
.
So why?
Why would I expect you to giveup something Just because I
personally want to schedule?
Terrance (30:13):
and I know you didn't expect that, cuz you know my
answer Sunday is Monday.
Sandy (30:17):
Sorry, no, but I mean to your point, I having those
expectations, you know, and it'snot like you know, you come in
and be being like, oh you knowwhat, this Sunday afternoon I'm,
I'm out.
Terrance (30:33):
And it's.
Sandy (30:33):
Saturday and I'm like but but that's the thing.
Terrance (30:36):
Once you set that expectation, then you start
working on boundaries androutines, right and so you know,
if I said, all right, listen,every Sunday I'm gonna be gone
from eight in the morning tilleight at night.
That's a long run.
Sandy (30:51):
I mean well, I didn't say I was gonna be running.
Terrance (30:53):
I just said.
I just said I'm gonna be gone,it's me time.
Sandy (30:56):
Yeah.
Terrance (30:57):
I think that you know, that's where you know okay.
Well, you got a, you got a setof boundary.
Mm-hmm and the routine part isagain, you know, we have the
routine, like when I, when Icome home, you know my routine.
It may even walking, dependingon how cold it is, but even
walking, jax, when I get home,that's me time.
Yeah take them out.
I've gotten home from work,take them out.
(31:20):
Get that little loop in.
It's part of the routine andthat gives me the opportunity
Although it doesn't come up if Ineed to start thinking about
something or getting somethingoff you know my chest, that's
time to do it.
I tell you I get a lot of metime again.
I get up at four in the morning.
Yeah if I'm not on the bike orif I'm not learning a language.
You know I'm doing one of thosethings.
(31:40):
But then I go into the office.
I get into the office at 6 30.
The next person doesn't come intill 7, 15, 7, 30.
Yeah.
I have all that time for me now.
Many times I'm doing work,whether it's work for the office
or work for all of this, butit's still.
It's me time.
It's that quiet time, so yeahyou know, that's part of that's
(32:03):
part of my routine and, again,from a boundary perspective, I
don't come home and say, hey,listen, I'm not you.
I need time until eight o'clock.
You know what I mean.
Sandy (32:19):
No, but it does make me think about I don't know people
who I would talk to aboutrunning.
They're like ah, I hate it.
You know I hate running alonethis and that, and I said Sounds
like you're doing it wrong.
I said that's me time, what I'mrunning.
I don't run with music, it'sjust me.
Terrance (32:41):
Everybody's time oh different.
It's not any time.
It's me time.
Sandy (32:46):
I'm like why wouldn't you want like that time alone, like
you don't have any distractions, there's nobody else, you're
just out there and you're alsoin enjoying some cardio and
making yourself healthy at thesame time?
Terrance (33:01):
I think you need to look at it from the perspective
of Me time to some people, tojust sitting down and just
watching TV.
Sitting down and every.
You know it's different, it'sdifferent from everyone and it
just for us.
It's just coincidence that someof the things that we do are
similar.
Mm-hmm, that's all it is.
But Back to back to strategies.
(33:26):
You know, I think it'simportant.
Not only you know we talkedabout.
You know setting expectations,routines and boundaries, but you
have to continue to nurture theconnection that you have with
your partner.
It's not something that.
Sandy (33:40):
Right?
Well, you can't just say, oh, Ineed all this me time, but
we're not spending any timetogether either.
Terrance (33:45):
No, well, you know, and and again you got to look at
it.
You have to invest time in yourrelationship.
Yeah otherwise If, if it's allme time, then you don't need to
be in the relationship.
You know what I mean.
But you have to continue tonurture that, that connection,
and in a big part of that isregular communication.
(34:07):
And Regular communicationunfortunately or fortunately,
depending on who you are comesin many, many forms.
You know a lot of peoplecommunicate now through text,
although I think that's a bitimpersonal.
But yeah you have so manydifferent ways to actually
communicate and Nobody well, Iwas gonna say nobody uses the
(34:29):
phone anymore.
Some people still use the phone, although it may be a cell
phone, but still I, you know, Ithink the number of people who
are actually engaging in voicecalls is drastically Dropping as
well.
But again, to nurture thatconnection, you got to have that
regular communication.
You can't be in a situationwhere you know let's say me time
, you, your time is just for anhour a day.
(34:52):
Yeah and then you don't speakthe rest of the day.
Well, it's not as though allyour time is, you know, you're
using for yourself, but at thesame time, that time that's
actually there, you're notinvesting in that relationship
or communicating with that otherindividual, and that can cause
a problem.
Sandy (35:08):
Yeah, because my perspective was thinking more
along the lines of quality time.
Yeah, well you're going foryour meantime, and then all
we're doing is sitting at homeand watching TV every night,
like yeah, you got to find theopportunity a spice to like you
got to find it.
Well, I'm not gonna call itspice you you buy, you got to
find the opportunity to engagein some shared activities.
Terrance (35:29):
So Again, regardless of what it is, you know it's not
gonna be running for somepeople, but yeah you do have to
spend time With that personother than sitting in the same
room With both of you being onyour actual phones correct.
Sandy (35:45):
The perspective of the running comment wasn't
specifically about Running, itwas more about just go walking,
do anything, but at least takethe time, yeah, for yourself.
Like you, you can Be byyourself.
You don't have to do somethingwith everybody Like, yeah, okay.
Terrance (36:05):
I think you know people need to understand that.
You know Space in arelationship is essential for
growth.
I mean, it's essential forself-care, it's essential for
maintaining your individualidentity.
But at the same time, you knowyou need to make sure that when
you start talking about being ina relationship with someone,
you know that level of mutualrespect is there, that level of
(36:27):
effective communication is there.
Regardless, you have tocontinue to nurture that
connection.
So when you start talking aboutnavigating that relationship or
dealing with challenges in thatrelationship, that Foundation
is there.
You know when, when you look atbalancing togetherness with
(36:49):
independence, if you can do that, then from a From the
perspective of having a healthyand fulfilling partnership,
that's something that you canhave.
That's going to stay in thetest of time.
Now let's talk about what I hadto reflect on this week.
(37:10):
As we talk about me versus wetime.
You can't measure how close twopeople are based on their
proximity.
Sometimes, through trust andthe ability to allow each other
space, that connection can growstronger.
That's it for this episode ofthe lunch with Sandy podcast.
(37:31):
Thank you for joining us.
Please remember to leavefeedback and follow on your
favorite podcasting app untilnext time, stay well.
Announcer (37:43):
That's it for this week's episode of the lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
tiktok and Twitter at lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe lunch with Sandy podcast.
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