May 25, 2024 • 33 mins
Ever wondered how the invisible threads of power weave through the fabric of your relationship? That's exactly what we're unpacking on the latest Lunch with Sandy podcast. Join us, Terrance and Sandy, as we dissect the often unspoken power plays that arise from social status, gender roles, and financial contributions. We share candid stories from our own lives, dissecting moments where we've felt either on top or under the heel in our relationships, and we're laying it all out there for you to connect with.
Navigating the complexities of modern partnerships, we tackle the transformation of traditional roles and the fascinating intersection of professional authority and personal dynamics. There's no stone left unturned as we dissect how the power balance shifts across different scenarios, from the boardroom to the family dinner table. Along the way, we peel back the layers of identity and societal expectations, challenging you to think deeper about what's really driving the dynamics in your own love life.
But what happens when the scales tip too far one way? In the podcast, we get real about the consequences of power imbalances, especially when it comes to communication. From dominating conversations to financial control, we explore the subtle ways an imbalance can leave a partner feeling voiceless. Fear not though - we're here to arm you with strategies to recognize, address, and recalibrate the power within your relationship for a healthier, more equitable connection. And before we sign off, we express our gratitude for your support and encourage you to join the conversation online – because this is one lunchtime chat that's served best with a side of your thoughts.
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Episode Transcript
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Announcer (00:00):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:44):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer insight
from the perspective of amarried couple.
I'm Terrance.
And I'm Sandy.
And Sandy.
Today I want to go back andexpand on a subject that came up
in the last episode and that ispower dynamics in a
relationship.
But before we dive into that,please remember to follow the
(01:05):
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also, you can follow us on allsocial media at
lunchwithsandycom Actually, it'snot lunchwithsandycom, it's
just at lunchwithsandy but thereis a website lunchwithsandycom.
There's nothing there, so don'tgo to it.
Anyway, sandy, how are yourweeding hands feel today?
They hurt websitelunchwithsandycom.
There's nothing there, so don'tgo to it.
Anyway, sandy, how your weedinghands feel today?
(01:27):
uh, they hurt fingertips, alwayshurt from waiting see, now you
gotta stop moving away from themic because you're going in and
out.
But I normally ask you what'sgoing on, what's in your head.
But I'm not giving you thatopportunity today because when I
ask that question I don't feelthat I get what I need well, I
was gonna actually respond withfeeling freaked out that spider
(01:52):
bit me near my neck they say youswallow.
I don't know a hundred spidersin your lifetime anyway, so I
don't know why you'd be freakedout.
He's probably trying to get inyour mouth well, at least that
would be protein benefit.
Sandy (02:04):
But this little bastard just bit me instead.
Terrance (02:08):
You don't actually even know if it was a spider.
Could have been something elseCould have been.
You know you'd be out thereplaying with all kinds of bugs.
Sandy (02:16):
But I didn't do anything the day that I got this.
Terrance (02:21):
Maybe the bug was just hitching a ride on you for a
while and then decided to take abite out of crime at some point
.
Take a bite out of crime Bugsyou never know what they're
thinking.
No, so last week we had aconversation about equality and
equity in a relationship, andduring that conversation, the
concept of power dynamics cameup and how it could play a role
(02:43):
in a relationship.
Power dynamics came up and howit could play a role in a
relationship.
Power dynamics can have asignificant impact on
relationships based on the rolesand how they play out.
So we're going to discuss thattoday and we're going to jump
right into it.
I'm going to ask you this verysimple question have you ever
been in a relationship where youfelt either empowered or
(03:07):
disempowered, and what made youfeel the way that you actually
felt?
Sandy (03:13):
Well, yeah, but it was probably one of those extreme
situations of feelingdisempowered and I'm feeling
disempowered, but other thanthat, I don't feel like any
other one.
I felt either.
Terrance (03:34):
or I think in every relationship there's a power
balance based on who theindividuals are.
I think sometimes it's notrecognized because if it's not
an extreme situation ordepending on where you are in
your stage of life, you may notrecognize it, but when you start
talking about power dynamics,there's a number of ways.
Sandy (03:54):
Well, what about you?
Terrance (03:55):
Have I been in a relationship like that?
I mean, first off, you know, Iused to watch He-Man a lot, so I
got the power.
No, I mean it depends He-Man alot, so I got the power.
No, I mean it depends.
I've been in relationshipswhere I don't want to say I felt
disempowered or empowered,right, I think I phrased that
question specifically for you toactually see what you were
(04:18):
going to say.
But I think sometimes you carrythe power in certain situations
or in certain aspects, and Ithink in other situations there
are other people who actuallycarry that power.
Now I think when you starttalking about feeling empowered
or disempowered, I think thathas a lot to do with who your
(04:39):
partner is.
I think you can be in asituation where someone makes
you feel disempowered based offtheir actions and the things
that they say and how they move,and I think the same can be
said from the perspective offeeling empowered.
And again, I think it dependson who that individual is right.
So when I think of powerdynamics, I think they can
(05:03):
manifest in a number of ways.
When I think of power dynamics,I think they can manifest in a
number of ways and the one thatI think is at the forefront of
my mind is the social aspect ofthe power dynamic.
When I think of the socialaspect.
I think of a situation wheresomeone's involved with someone
(05:24):
who has some level of status and, in a social setting, that
level of status provides themwith a certain level of power.
But when I do think about thesocial aspect, again, it's not
just one particular area.
You can be in a situation where, based off your background
(05:44):
socially, whoever you are youmay be afforded or you may be
viewed as having a certain levelof power, and also based on
your gender, from a socialperspective, you may be viewed
as the person who has the powerin the relationship.
Any thoughts on that?
Sandy, the person who has thepower in the relationship.
Any thoughts on?
Sandy (06:05):
that, sandy?
Yeah, I think when most peoplethink about it it tends to be
gender biased, right?
You know, typically in the pastthe men have always thought
that they had the power.
(06:26):
But then it makes me think froma when I think of the family
perspective, it's, you know, Idon't know your last name may be
carrying some weight around,especially like if you've grown
up in like the same town andeverybody kind of knows your
family, you know.
Terrance (06:46):
I think that's more.
Sandy (06:48):
You wouldn't classify that as social.
Terrance (06:50):
I would classify that as social, but I would attach
that more to status.
I think based on your name youmay be afforded a certain level
of status in a particular areaand that may give the impression
that you hold a certain amountof social power based on whoever
you're with.
Like you know, if you were inmy old neighborhood back in
(07:13):
Connecticut you know you mightbe recognized more because of
your last name.
Uh-huh.
I mean it might not be for agood thing, but still I mean it
might not be for a good thing,but still, well, even you know
here where we live.
Sandy (07:31):
it's my maiden name was a unique name.
Terrance (07:34):
I don't think that afforded you any power, though.
Sandy (07:37):
No, but not me.
Well, but it's kind of like oh,are you so-and-so's cousin, you
so-and-so's sibling, becausethere wasn't many of us that had
that last name.
So maybe it did afford me somepower, because that name
(07:57):
associated me with thoseparticular family members.
Terrance (07:58):
I think it might have afforded you some recognition.
But when we start talking aboutpower dynamics in a
relationship.
Sandy (08:05):
I got the power, not you.
Terrance (08:07):
Too late.
I already used that line.
I think, when most people thinkabout the balance of power or
power dynamics in a relationship, I think immediately, they
think of the financial aspect,or they think of.
They think or they view it fromthe perspective that okay well,
or they view it from theperspective that okay well, he
(08:28):
who brings home the bacon or shewho brings home the bacon has
the last word.
Sandy (08:33):
Yeah, I feel like that's an idea that is a lot harder for
people to walk away from.
I feel like that one continuesto rear its ugly head.
Terrance (08:49):
What I will say is this, and I'll say this both
from the financial perspectiveand I'll say from the social
perspective I think times arechanging.
I think when we startparticularly with the social
well, social and financial if westart to think back
historically or we start to lookat different generations, I
think that the social aspectwell, particularly depending on
(09:12):
where you are, that socialaspect and that financial aspect
from the power dynamics isstarting to kind of dissipate a
little bit with newergenerations and you know the new
structure of relationships orfamily, and it's not so much the
traditional well, this persongoes to work, so this person
(09:36):
makes the money and so thisperson gets to make all the
decisions.
I think that's changing withthe upcoming generations.
Sandy (09:42):
Well, I think the family aspect of who goes to work and
who brings home the bacon ischanging, but I don't know if
that leads to much change in whofeels like they have the power
based on.
You know, roles may haveswitched and that other capacity
, but I feel like the idea thatif I'm the one that brings home
(10:05):
the bacon, I think people justnaturally gravitate towards the
fact that they think they havethe power as well.
Terrance (10:12):
So you're saying you think you have the power.
Sandy (10:14):
Of course I said that already.
Terrance (10:15):
You ain't got no power .
Sandy (10:17):
But you know, and then financial, which it's sort of
tied into it, but I think of itin a class of its own, as
occupation.
Terrance (10:30):
So you got to explain that.
Sandy (10:31):
Like if you have a and then I don't even mean like a
position in power, right, butwell, not necessarily like so
I'm not really speaking of, youknow, a police officer or
something like that, but in aoccupation that you are
consistently like listened to,like right, like so, you kind of
(10:55):
just holding an occupationwhere people listen to your
opinion and you make a lot ofdecisions, I feel like that can
also translate.
Them people don't live with you.
Terrance (11:07):
I know, but you come home.
Ain't nobody listening to you.
Sandy (11:11):
I think that sometimes people will you know, continue
to react the same way oncethey're old.
Terrance (11:19):
I think everyone is different.
I think sometimes people mayget caught up in their head and
think that because of theiroccupation, you know they may
have that aspect of the powerdynamic on their side, but at
the same time you can havepeople listen to you and your
partner or spouse or whatevercan come on and make double what
it is you're making and guesswhat?
You ain't got no power.
Sandy (11:42):
Right, you ain't got no power, right?
Well, I'm thinking, if I'mtelling people what to do all
day at work, is that going tojust naturally translate to at
home?
Terrance (11:50):
No, because you can tell people what to do all day
at work if you want.
You don't come home and tell mewhat to do.
It don't work like that.
Sandy (11:58):
What are you talking about?
I do it all the time.
But no, I don't purposely tellpeople what to do at work, so
that's not me.
Terrance (12:08):
All right, we're going to move on from your
occupational and move on to.
Sandy (12:13):
So you don't like my occupational theory, that's fine
.
Terrance (12:16):
No, it's not about whether or not I like your
theory.
Everyone is different.
I said we're moving on becausenow you're dragging on talking
about you're coming home, you'retelling me what to do, and we
ain't got time for that.
We preach the truth here, nolies.
Anyway, there's another aspectof the power dynamic that I
think about that I don't think alot of people really pay much
(12:38):
attention to, and that's theemotional aspect.
There are situations where,emotionally, people are in
situations.
There are situations where,from the emotional aspect, one
individual or the other has thepower to influence what the
other person does or says.
Sandy (13:02):
Yeah, I'm trying to think about that one Like.
And what do you mean Like?
The person is just.
Terrance (13:08):
For instance, let's say Needy, we're going to use
you as an example.
Sandy (13:13):
Okay.
Terrance (13:14):
And I'm just using you as an example.
Let's say, for instance, on theoff chance, that you wanted
something and you knew that allyou had to do was cry and you
would get your way.
You would use your emotions tothen influence your partner to
do what it is that you want themto do.
Sandy (13:36):
So partners acting like toddlers?
Terrance (13:38):
That's I mean, that's, I'm not saying that what I'm
saying is, when you starttalking about power dynamics,
there's a number of differentaspects that that can splinter
into and I think that, emotionalor emotionally, that's one of
those dynamics that can actuallyhave an impact.
Because, again, if it's asituation where you use your
emotions or it could be theverse where you know you know
(14:01):
that your emotions I guess Ireally can't say that we're
going to leave it at the examplethat I just Okay.
It made me think of somethingelse.
Sandy (14:16):
but yeah, like what, like this well is dry.
Don't come to me until you giveme what I want.
Terrance (14:20):
As well as that's not emotional.
Sandy (14:27):
Well, I'd be playing on your emotions, not my own.
That's not playing.
Terrance (14:28):
Well, I'd be playing on your emotions, not my own.
That's not playing on my myemotions.
This well is dry.
You know people can go getwater from somewhere else.
Take that however you want totake it anyway I again.
Sandy (14:42):
I personally wouldn't.
But.
Terrance (14:45):
Yeah, whatever.
Again, that's not necessarilyemotional, but what that could
be is physical.
Now you can look at physicalfrom a number of different
perspectives.
You can be physically strongerthan someone and from that
perspective, when you starttalking about the power dynamics
(15:05):
, physically someone may have animbalance based off their
physical strength or your wellis running dry, and physically
someone has a need that you'rewithholding to assimilate or
assume that you have some levelof power based off you being
(15:27):
able to have a faucet that youcan turn off.
Sandy (15:29):
I wonder if that actually works.
Terrance (15:31):
to be honest, you wonder if what works.
Sandy (15:33):
People manipulating other people that way.
Terrance (15:36):
Well, people are very manipulative and they may be
trying to do that, but thenagain you know there's
consequences to all your actions.
Yeah.
And we did an episode about youknow people going to sip from
other people's wells.
Maybe that's one of the reasonswhy it happens.
Sandy (15:52):
Maybe there we go.
Terrance (15:54):
So I'm not going to ask.
I was going to ask thisquestion, but I'm not because I
don't want you going off theside rails, because what I was
going to say looking at thedifferent dynamics, or the
different aspects of the powerdynamics that we discussed,
where would you say that we fallwithin those branches of the
power?
I can tell you right now, fromthe physical perspective I got
(16:16):
all the power.
You're weak.
Sandy (16:20):
What are you talking about?
I'm weightlifting.
Terrance (16:23):
I got a perfect example today that shelf.
I need you to help me bringthat shelf up.
Sandy (16:28):
I said because it was tall, not because it was heavy.
And you see, and do you see how, and I didn't even try, but
since you had just come home,that's why I said, oh, perfect
timing.
Terrance (16:37):
Yeah, and you see how I handle it.
So I turned it to the side andjust walked up the stairs with
one hand.
Sandy (16:46):
Whatever.
But anyhow, I think most people, probably looking from the
outside in of our relationship,probably think that you have all
the power.
Terrance (16:59):
I would say that, well , I mean, I can't speak for
anyone else.
I can't, but I think just theway that you present yourself,
the way I don't talk to peopleOutside of the people who are in
my circle and the circle that Imove in.
I don't really talk to people.
Everyone at my job knows that Idon't handle any of the
(17:24):
finances.
So even if the perspective isokay, well, I may have all the
power from the financialperspective.
I wouldn't know because I don'tdo any of the banking Touché.
You know what I mean.
Now, from the socialperspective, I don't.
Again, I would have to say onthe social side, if we wanted to
(17:47):
talk about the balance of power, I would say it depends on
where we are like.
If we're in these parts, yeah,you got it.
I don't even want it, but yougot it, you got it.
But if we're at, you know, ifwe're at events where my kind
and when I say my kind I don'tmean my kind, I mean the people
(18:09):
that I move with, the people whoare in those associations and
things like that Then I wouldsay from the outside, looking in
, it would appear that I havethe power in those situations.
Sandy (18:20):
Well, I even meant it from.
Like you know, you can be vocaland direct, and I think you
know.
Terrance (18:28):
Yeah, I can be.
Sandy (18:29):
And I think oftentimes the kids think that you always
say what goes.
But at least when they were.
The kids are grown.
I mean when they were likeyounger.
Well, even Ayla today, shethinks I am pretty certain.
She thinks that you control allthe power here.
Terrance (18:51):
She might be right.
All right, so we were justtalking about where the
distribution and those dynamicsof power might fall.
Now let's talk about whathappens if there's a situation
in a relationship where there'san imbalance of power.
Right, so let's talk about theimpact of an unbalanced power
(19:14):
dynamic.
We talked about how we feel thedistribution of power is within
our relationship, but indifferent relationships power
manifests itself in differentways.
Is it fair to say that inparticular situations or when it
comes to particular differentthings, if there is an imbalance
(19:35):
of power, then the person whohas more influence will probably
get more priority when we starttalking about what it is that
is being asked, or whatever thedecision is, yeah, well, to be
honest, you know, makes me eventhink back on our days of going
(19:58):
to buy cars, Right, and I thinknaturally because you're male
they turn to you to have theconversation.
Yeah, but that's from theoutside.
Sandy (20:19):
Yeah, but no, it just makes me think of situations
similar to that.
So right, our situations havebeen from the outside, but it
makes me kind of think from theinside too.
Right, Like I'm the man Ishould know about cars, and
hence I'm going to make thedecision.
Terrance (20:43):
I don't think.
I don't think that, that inthat situation, I don't think
it's more about being a man, Ithink it's more about okay, well
, if you hold the power from theperspective of, maybe, the
financial perspective, or ofyour view as having all the
power in the relationship, thenyeah, you make that decision.
It's not necessarily becauseI'm the man I know about cars,
because there's a lot ofsituations where the women know
a lot more about cars than theactual man does, for sure.
Sandy (21:02):
But no, I was just using the car shopping analogy because
, you know, I feel like that's.
That's definitely a place intime where I see other people
trying to kind of influence ourrelationship dynamic, because
they always turn to you firstand then you're like, oh well,
(21:25):
she needs to figure out thenumbers.
Terrance (21:27):
That's right, because I don't do none of the banking.
I do make the decision on thecars.
I just don't make the decisionon whether or not we're buying
the car.
Sandy (21:34):
Right.
So to me it makes me thinkabout okay, well, if there's an
imbalance of power in arelationship, is the same thing
happening, right, like the guyis just like well, for whatever
reason obviously it's notbecause they have to know cars,
but it could be that they havethe, you know, the gender power,
the financial power or whateverpower that they just
(21:55):
automatically think like oh well, I got the power, so I'm making
the decision.
Terrance (22:01):
I think, when it comes to decisions, I think
ultimately, each individual isdifferent comes to decisions.
I think, ultimately, eachindividual is different, but I
do think that if you're in asituation where you feel like
you have all the power, thenwhen you start talking about the
decisions that need to be made,you're going to put the
priority on what you feel isbest.
Not to say that that's rightand not to say that everyone
(22:21):
would do that, but I do think insome cases that may happen, or
even just do it withoutconsulting your partner.
Sandy (22:27):
You know, we probably have a dollar threshold between
the two of us, not that we'veever really talked about it, but
like, oh hey, I'm gonna spendblank on blank, you know, and we
just tell each other.
Terrance (22:40):
But I I can't even buy a muffin without you freaking
out.
You knew that was coming.
Sandy (22:47):
But you know where it's like.
Oh well, you know whatever.
It doesn't matter what theythink, because I'm just going to
buy whatever it is that I want.
Terrance (23:01):
So that's a good segue .
Let me ask you this question Doyou think an imbalance in power
can shape how couplescommunicate?
Because I think that is a.
I think there's two aspects ofit.
I think that, right, there is.
Sandy (23:13):
Financially and communication.
Terrance (23:14):
Yeah, I think that right, there is more a
communication issue as opposedto financial issue, right like
I'm not even going to speak tomy partner.
Sandy (23:21):
So I feel like, yeah, it can cause definitely an
imbalance there.
I'm not going to ask theiropinion, not even going to give
them a heads up, I'm just goingto go do what I want to go.
Terrance (23:33):
Do I think that in those situations where, even if
you do communicate, the personwho has the power has the
opportunity to assert theiropinions and dominate the
conversations or any questionsbecause they feel like they
actually have the power?
Sandy (23:47):
Yeah.
Terrance (23:49):
And I think that if you're on the opposite side,
where you don't have that power,I think it is probably harder
for you to voice your opinionsand have your voice heard,
because you feel like you justdon't have the power.
You can't express your needs.
Sandy (24:08):
Either that or you are expressing yourself and it's
going to not get reciprocated,or you're constantly going to
get kind of pushed to the side,and I think ultimately that
could also end in resentment,right.
Terrance (24:25):
So what happens when you're in a situation where
someone feels like they have allthe power and they're asserting
their opinions and dominatingconversations and you're not
having your needs met becauseyou're afraid to voice what it
is that you need?
Sandy (24:43):
Well then, you just need to go grab a frying pan.
Terrance (24:47):
Obviously, we're not grabbing.
We don't condone any violence.
What I was looking for is, whenyou're in a situation like that
, you know there can beobviously a huge barrier in
communicating and then when youhave that barrier, that's when
you start to have a whole bunchof trouble.
Right, we talked about thisbefore you have.
You know all themisunderstandings and you get
(25:10):
unintentional messages becausethe way that you're
communicating is not conduciveto being open and honest.
Sandy (25:33):
And I think, right, it ends up being where you attempt
to communicate your unhappiness.
But you know, it also kind ofmakes me wonder like does it
change the style ofcommunication based on it?
Because if you're expressingyour opinion like you said,
needs are not getting met.
Do you then have to alter yourstyle of communication?
Terrance (25:57):
I guess, so the communication piece is important
, but let me ask you this Do youthink that the person who is
viewed as having, you know, lesspower can be totally honest
with the person who has morepower?
And the reason why I ask thatis because communication is one
thing, but you also got toconsider support being impacted
(26:19):
when someone has all the power.
Sandy (26:21):
When I say support, I mean support for each other,
support for yourself or yourpartner in a relationship,
support for each other, supportfor yourself or your partner in
a relationship that's a goodquestion, and I don't know if I
me personally I could be thatway.
I would probably not becompletely open and honest and,
(26:42):
yeah, I'd probably end up, likeI said, resenting you for it.
Terrance (26:45):
What are you saying?
Resenting me, you would end upresenting your partner for it.
Yeah, there's also thesituation, or there's also the
issue, with you.
Know, if you're in a situationwhere you are the one who does
not have the power, then when itcomes time and you have to
(27:06):
compromise on something, there'sa chance that you're going to
get the short end of the stick,because if I'm the person who
has all the power, why do I needto concede?
Why do I need to makeconcessions if I'm the one who
is it?
Know what I mean.
Sandy (27:27):
Yeah Well, and that makes me kind of think of the fact
like you know, do they just stop?
You know, stop caring, stopjust voicing opinion, just like
whatever, everything at thatpoint, because you're right, if
(27:48):
they're just going to get theirway anyhow, like what's the
point?
Terrance (27:51):
Yeah, it's possible, all right, so let's talk about
how to address a situation whenyou fear there's an imbalance of
power dynamics in yourrelationship.
I'm going to toss it to you andI'm going to ask you this
question, and I'm going to hopethat you've actually thought
about this question how wouldyou go about addressing it?
Sandy (28:15):
Well, since I can't get the frying pan, I would honestly
just tell you hey, like this ishow I'm feeling when you do
this action, when you take overthe situation and you don't even
speak to me about it orwhatever it is.
You know, that's just the oneexample I have, but you know I
(28:36):
don't like it.
I feel affronted and offendedand whatever.
Terrance (28:41):
Look at you using them words what?
Sandy (28:42):
if I said whatever Too bad no.
Terrance (28:44):
I think the first step is recognizing that there's an
imbalance, that it exists.
I think that has to be thefirst thing and that, whether
that be you going to yourpartner and saying that or you
guys sitting down and coming tothat assessment.
But I think the first thing is,you know, recognizing that it
actually exists, because then,when you recognize that it
actually exists, there's animbalance, then you can start
(29:06):
looking at OK, well, what is thecause?
You can't fix something if youdon't know it exists and you
don't know what the actual causeis.
Once you know that it existsand you know what the cause is,
you can now start to address itand take whatever steps as a
couple or individual to rectifywhat it is that's actually going
on.
Sandy (29:27):
Yeah Well, and I think it's got to be difficult,
especially if the person withthe power doesn't even realize
necessarily they have it andthen they have to also give it
up at the same time.
Terrance (29:42):
Well, I mean, each person is different and I'm not
going to say they're going tohave a problem giving it up if
they didn't recognize it.
I'm not going to go down thepath that you always go on.
But once you recognize it andyou know what the cause is, then
I think the other part aboutthat is having that open
communication, promoting openand honest communication and
(30:03):
mutual respect.
Because if the situationexisted where there was an
imbalance and you care for thatperson and you actually have the
actual respect, then when youstart having these conversations
, you're going to listen to themand try to actually rectify
those.
Otherwise, why are you together?
Sandy (30:21):
Yeah.
So, Because I want the power.
Terrance (30:26):
Well, so because I want the power.
Well, and one other thing thatyou can actually attempt to do,
rather than say I want the power, is find ways to actually
rebalance the power dynamic sothat there's greater equity
within the relationship.
In order to do that, you haveto really know each other,
because each relationship isdifferent.
(30:48):
But once you know each otherand you can recognize where
those imbalances are, then youcan work on rebalancing it so
it's not so imbalanced.
Were you going to say something?
Sandy (31:01):
So you never commented on whether you felt like ours was
imbalanced or balanced.
Terrance (31:09):
You didn't ask me.
Why am I going to comment onsomething you didn't ask me?
I don't feel that it's I think.
First off, I don't want peopleto think that we're perfect.
I am, but you're not.
I think what we do works.
Yeah.
I mean I don't see a situationwhere you know one person is,
(31:34):
with the exception of the actualmoney.
I do tell people all the timeSandy can be doing whatever she
wants to do with that money.
I would never know.
That is the only thing.
Other than that, I mean we havea lot of communication about a
lot of stuff.
I mean I don't go out and justwilly nilly buy bikes without
having communicationconversation with you.
That would be an issue.
Sandy (31:52):
That would be a problem that would be a problem, that
would be a problem.
Terrance (31:54):
I'd probably have like 10 bikes yeah, you probably
would we'd probably be not hereright now bike poor?
Sandy (32:01):
we definitely.
They talk about being housepoor and being bike poor.
Terrance (32:05):
We would be bike poor.
We would be bike poor.
No, I think what we have works.
I mean, nothing's perfect and Idon't pretend that anything
will be perfect.
I don't think that we need tomove towards perfection.
I think it works.
If we get to a situation whereit doesn't work, then we can
(32:25):
work to rebalance the powerdynamics of this relationship.
That's good enough for you,mm-hmm.
Sandy (32:31):
All right, I keep hearing this song in my head.
Terrance (32:33):
All right, well, enough about your song.
We've come to understand thatpower dynamics are not solely
about dominance or control, butencompass a spectrum of
influences that shape how werelate to one another.
Influences that shape how werelate to one another Whether
it's recognizing and challenginggender norms, redistributing
responsibilities more equitableor fostering open communications
(32:54):
and mutual respect.
Addressing power dynamicsrequires a willingness to
confront the status quo andactively work towards creating a
more balanced and inclusivedynamic.
As we navigate ourrelationships, let us remember
that understanding andaddressing power dynamics is not
a one-time fix, but an ongoingjourney of self-awareness,
(33:14):
reflection and growth.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us onyour favorite podcasting app and
social media.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (33:30):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:44):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer insight
from the perspective of amarried couple.
I'm Terrance.
And I'm Sandy.
And Sandy.
Today I want to go back andexpand on a subject that came up
in the last episode and that ispower dynamics in a
relationship.
But before we dive into that,please remember to follow the
(01:05):
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also, you can follow us on allsocial media at
lunchwithsandycom Actually, it'snot lunchwithsandycom, it's
just at lunchwithsandy but thereis a website lunchwithsandycom.
There's nothing there, so don'tgo to it.
Anyway, sandy, how are yourweeding hands feel today?
They hurt websitelunchwithsandycom.
There's nothing there, so don'tgo to it.
Anyway, sandy, how your weedinghands feel today?
(01:27):
uh, they hurt fingertips, alwayshurt from waiting see, now you
gotta stop moving away from themic because you're going in and
out.
But I normally ask you what'sgoing on, what's in your head.
But I'm not giving you thatopportunity today because when I
ask that question I don't feelthat I get what I need well, I
was gonna actually respond withfeeling freaked out that spider
(01:52):
bit me near my neck they say youswallow.
I don't know a hundred spidersin your lifetime anyway, so I
don't know why you'd be freakedout.
He's probably trying to get inyour mouth well, at least that
would be protein benefit.
Sandy (02:04):
But this little bastard just bit me instead.
Terrance (02:08):
You don't actually even know if it was a spider.
Could have been something elseCould have been.
You know you'd be out thereplaying with all kinds of bugs.
Sandy (02:16):
But I didn't do anything the day that I got this.
Terrance (02:21):
Maybe the bug was just hitching a ride on you for a
while and then decided to take abite out of crime at some point
.
Take a bite out of crime Bugsyou never know what they're
thinking.
No, so last week we had aconversation about equality and
equity in a relationship, andduring that conversation, the
concept of power dynamics cameup and how it could play a role
(02:43):
in a relationship.
Power dynamics came up and howit could play a role in a
relationship.
Power dynamics can have asignificant impact on
relationships based on the rolesand how they play out.
So we're going to discuss thattoday and we're going to jump
right into it.
I'm going to ask you this verysimple question have you ever
been in a relationship where youfelt either empowered or
(03:07):
disempowered, and what made youfeel the way that you actually
felt?
Sandy (03:13):
Well, yeah, but it was probably one of those extreme
situations of feelingdisempowered and I'm feeling
disempowered, but other thanthat, I don't feel like any
other one.
I felt either.
Terrance (03:34):
or I think in every relationship there's a power
balance based on who theindividuals are.
I think sometimes it's notrecognized because if it's not
an extreme situation ordepending on where you are in
your stage of life, you may notrecognize it, but when you start
talking about power dynamics,there's a number of ways.
Sandy (03:54):
Well, what about you?
Terrance (03:55):
Have I been in a relationship like that?
I mean, first off, you know, Iused to watch He-Man a lot, so I
got the power.
No, I mean it depends He-Man alot, so I got the power.
No, I mean it depends.
I've been in relationshipswhere I don't want to say I felt
disempowered or empowered,right, I think I phrased that
question specifically for you toactually see what you were
(04:18):
going to say.
But I think sometimes you carrythe power in certain situations
or in certain aspects, and Ithink in other situations there
are other people who actuallycarry that power.
Now I think when you starttalking about feeling empowered
or disempowered, I think thathas a lot to do with who your
(04:39):
partner is.
I think you can be in asituation where someone makes
you feel disempowered based offtheir actions and the things
that they say and how they move,and I think the same can be
said from the perspective offeeling empowered.
And again, I think it dependson who that individual is right.
So when I think of powerdynamics, I think they can
(05:03):
manifest in a number of ways.
When I think of power dynamics,I think they can manifest in a
number of ways and the one thatI think is at the forefront of
my mind is the social aspect ofthe power dynamic.
When I think of the socialaspect.
I think of a situation wheresomeone's involved with someone
(05:24):
who has some level of status and, in a social setting, that
level of status provides themwith a certain level of power.
But when I do think about thesocial aspect, again, it's not
just one particular area.
You can be in a situation where, based off your background
(05:44):
socially, whoever you are youmay be afforded or you may be
viewed as having a certain levelof power, and also based on
your gender, from a socialperspective, you may be viewed
as the person who has the powerin the relationship.
Any thoughts on that?
Sandy, the person who has thepower in the relationship.
Any thoughts on?
Sandy (06:05):
that, sandy?
Yeah, I think when most peoplethink about it it tends to be
gender biased, right?
You know, typically in the pastthe men have always thought
that they had the power.
(06:26):
But then it makes me think froma when I think of the family
perspective, it's, you know, Idon't know your last name may be
carrying some weight around,especially like if you've grown
up in like the same town andeverybody kind of knows your
family, you know.
Terrance (06:46):
I think that's more.
Sandy (06:48):
You wouldn't classify that as social.
Terrance (06:50):
I would classify that as social, but I would attach
that more to status.
I think based on your name youmay be afforded a certain level
of status in a particular areaand that may give the impression
that you hold a certain amountof social power based on whoever
you're with.
Like you know, if you were inmy old neighborhood back in
(07:13):
Connecticut you know you mightbe recognized more because of
your last name.
Uh-huh.
I mean it might not be for agood thing, but still I mean it
might not be for a good thing,but still, well, even you know
here where we live.
Sandy (07:31):
it's my maiden name was a unique name.
Terrance (07:34):
I don't think that afforded you any power, though.
Sandy (07:37):
No, but not me.
Well, but it's kind of like oh,are you so-and-so's cousin, you
so-and-so's sibling, becausethere wasn't many of us that had
that last name.
So maybe it did afford me somepower, because that name
(07:57):
associated me with thoseparticular family members.
Terrance (07:58):
I think it might have afforded you some recognition.
But when we start talking aboutpower dynamics in a
relationship.
Sandy (08:05):
I got the power, not you.
Terrance (08:07):
Too late.
I already used that line.
I think, when most people thinkabout the balance of power or
power dynamics in a relationship, I think immediately, they
think of the financial aspect,or they think of.
They think or they view it fromthe perspective that okay well,
or they view it from theperspective that okay well, he
(08:28):
who brings home the bacon or shewho brings home the bacon has
the last word.
Sandy (08:33):
Yeah, I feel like that's an idea that is a lot harder for
people to walk away from.
I feel like that one continuesto rear its ugly head.
Terrance (08:49):
What I will say is this, and I'll say this both
from the financial perspectiveand I'll say from the social
perspective I think times arechanging.
I think when we startparticularly with the social
well, social and financial if westart to think back
historically or we start to lookat different generations, I
think that the social aspectwell, particularly depending on
(09:12):
where you are, that socialaspect and that financial aspect
from the power dynamics isstarting to kind of dissipate a
little bit with newergenerations and you know the new
structure of relationships orfamily, and it's not so much the
traditional well, this persongoes to work, so this person
(09:36):
makes the money and so thisperson gets to make all the
decisions.
I think that's changing withthe upcoming generations.
Sandy (09:42):
Well, I think the family aspect of who goes to work and
who brings home the bacon ischanging, but I don't know if
that leads to much change in whofeels like they have the power
based on.
You know, roles may haveswitched and that other capacity
, but I feel like the idea thatif I'm the one that brings home
(10:05):
the bacon, I think people justnaturally gravitate towards the
fact that they think they havethe power as well.
Terrance (10:12):
So you're saying you think you have the power.
Sandy (10:14):
Of course I said that already.
Terrance (10:15):
You ain't got no power .
Sandy (10:17):
But you know, and then financial, which it's sort of
tied into it, but I think of itin a class of its own, as
occupation.
Terrance (10:30):
So you got to explain that.
Sandy (10:31):
Like if you have a and then I don't even mean like a
position in power, right, butwell, not necessarily like so
I'm not really speaking of, youknow, a police officer or
something like that, but in aoccupation that you are
consistently like listened to,like right, like so, you kind of
(10:55):
just holding an occupationwhere people listen to your
opinion and you make a lot ofdecisions, I feel like that can
also translate.
Them people don't live with you.
Terrance (11:07):
I know, but you come home.
Ain't nobody listening to you.
Sandy (11:11):
I think that sometimes people will you know, continue
to react the same way oncethey're old.
Terrance (11:19):
I think everyone is different.
I think sometimes people mayget caught up in their head and
think that because of theiroccupation, you know they may
have that aspect of the powerdynamic on their side, but at
the same time you can havepeople listen to you and your
partner or spouse or whatevercan come on and make double what
it is you're making and guesswhat?
You ain't got no power.
Sandy (11:42):
Right, you ain't got no power, right?
Well, I'm thinking, if I'mtelling people what to do all
day at work, is that going tojust naturally translate to at
home?
Terrance (11:50):
No, because you can tell people what to do all day
at work if you want.
You don't come home and tell mewhat to do.
It don't work like that.
Sandy (11:58):
What are you talking about?
I do it all the time.
But no, I don't purposely tellpeople what to do at work, so
that's not me.
Terrance (12:08):
All right, we're going to move on from your
occupational and move on to.
Sandy (12:13):
So you don't like my occupational theory, that's fine
.
Terrance (12:16):
No, it's not about whether or not I like your
theory.
Everyone is different.
I said we're moving on becausenow you're dragging on talking
about you're coming home, you'retelling me what to do, and we
ain't got time for that.
We preach the truth here, nolies.
Anyway, there's another aspectof the power dynamic that I
think about that I don't think alot of people really pay much
(12:38):
attention to, and that's theemotional aspect.
There are situations where,emotionally, people are in
situations.
There are situations where,from the emotional aspect, one
individual or the other has thepower to influence what the
other person does or says.
Sandy (13:02):
Yeah, I'm trying to think about that one Like.
And what do you mean Like?
The person is just.
Terrance (13:08):
For instance, let's say Needy, we're going to use
you as an example.
Sandy (13:13):
Okay.
Terrance (13:14):
And I'm just using you as an example.
Let's say, for instance, on theoff chance, that you wanted
something and you knew that allyou had to do was cry and you
would get your way.
You would use your emotions tothen influence your partner to
do what it is that you want themto do.
Sandy (13:36):
So partners acting like toddlers?
Terrance (13:38):
That's I mean, that's, I'm not saying that what I'm
saying is, when you starttalking about power dynamics,
there's a number of differentaspects that that can splinter
into and I think that, emotionalor emotionally, that's one of
those dynamics that can actuallyhave an impact.
Because, again, if it's asituation where you use your
emotions or it could be theverse where you know you know
(14:01):
that your emotions I guess Ireally can't say that we're
going to leave it at the examplethat I just Okay.
It made me think of somethingelse.
Sandy (14:16):
but yeah, like what, like this well is dry.
Don't come to me until you giveme what I want.
Terrance (14:20):
As well as that's not emotional.
Sandy (14:27):
Well, I'd be playing on your emotions, not my own.
That's not playing.
Terrance (14:28):
Well, I'd be playing on your emotions, not my own.
That's not playing on my myemotions.
This well is dry.
You know people can go getwater from somewhere else.
Take that however you want totake it anyway I again.
Sandy (14:42):
I personally wouldn't.
But.
Terrance (14:45):
Yeah, whatever.
Again, that's not necessarilyemotional, but what that could
be is physical.
Now you can look at physicalfrom a number of different
perspectives.
You can be physically strongerthan someone and from that
perspective, when you starttalking about the power dynamics
(15:05):
, physically someone may have animbalance based off their
physical strength or your wellis running dry, and physically
someone has a need that you'rewithholding to assimilate or
assume that you have some levelof power based off you being
(15:27):
able to have a faucet that youcan turn off.
Sandy (15:29):
I wonder if that actually works.
Terrance (15:31):
to be honest, you wonder if what works.
Sandy (15:33):
People manipulating other people that way.
Terrance (15:36):
Well, people are very manipulative and they may be
trying to do that, but thenagain you know there's
consequences to all your actions.
Yeah.
And we did an episode about youknow people going to sip from
other people's wells.
Maybe that's one of the reasonswhy it happens.
Sandy (15:52):
Maybe there we go.
Terrance (15:54):
So I'm not going to ask.
I was going to ask thisquestion, but I'm not because I
don't want you going off theside rails, because what I was
going to say looking at thedifferent dynamics, or the
different aspects of the powerdynamics that we discussed,
where would you say that we fallwithin those branches of the
power?
I can tell you right now, fromthe physical perspective I got
(16:16):
all the power.
You're weak.
Sandy (16:20):
What are you talking about?
I'm weightlifting.
Terrance (16:23):
I got a perfect example today that shelf.
I need you to help me bringthat shelf up.
Sandy (16:28):
I said because it was tall, not because it was heavy.
And you see, and do you see how, and I didn't even try, but
since you had just come home,that's why I said, oh, perfect
timing.
Terrance (16:37):
Yeah, and you see how I handle it.
So I turned it to the side andjust walked up the stairs with
one hand.
Sandy (16:46):
Whatever.
But anyhow, I think most people, probably looking from the
outside in of our relationship,probably think that you have all
the power.
Terrance (16:59):
I would say that, well , I mean, I can't speak for
anyone else.
I can't, but I think just theway that you present yourself,
the way I don't talk to peopleOutside of the people who are in
my circle and the circle that Imove in.
I don't really talk to people.
Everyone at my job knows that Idon't handle any of the
(17:24):
finances.
So even if the perspective isokay, well, I may have all the
power from the financialperspective.
I wouldn't know because I don'tdo any of the banking Touché.
You know what I mean.
Now, from the socialperspective, I don't.
Again, I would have to say onthe social side, if we wanted to
(17:47):
talk about the balance of power, I would say it depends on
where we are like.
If we're in these parts, yeah,you got it.
I don't even want it, but yougot it, you got it.
But if we're at, you know, ifwe're at events where my kind
and when I say my kind I don'tmean my kind, I mean the people
(18:09):
that I move with, the people whoare in those associations and
things like that Then I wouldsay from the outside, looking in
, it would appear that I havethe power in those situations.
Sandy (18:20):
Well, I even meant it from.
Like you know, you can be vocaland direct, and I think you
know.
Terrance (18:28):
Yeah, I can be.
Sandy (18:29):
And I think oftentimes the kids think that you always
say what goes.
But at least when they were.
The kids are grown.
I mean when they were likeyounger.
Well, even Ayla today, shethinks I am pretty certain.
She thinks that you control allthe power here.
Terrance (18:51):
She might be right.
All right, so we were justtalking about where the
distribution and those dynamicsof power might fall.
Now let's talk about whathappens if there's a situation
in a relationship where there'san imbalance of power.
Right, so let's talk about theimpact of an unbalanced power
(19:14):
dynamic.
We talked about how we feel thedistribution of power is within
our relationship, but indifferent relationships power
manifests itself in differentways.
Is it fair to say that inparticular situations or when it
comes to particular differentthings, if there is an imbalance
(19:35):
of power, then the person whohas more influence will probably
get more priority when we starttalking about what it is that
is being asked, or whatever thedecision is, yeah, well, to be
honest, you know, makes me eventhink back on our days of going
(19:58):
to buy cars, Right, and I thinknaturally because you're male
they turn to you to have theconversation.
Yeah, but that's from theoutside.
Sandy (20:19):
Yeah, but no, it just makes me think of situations
similar to that.
So right, our situations havebeen from the outside, but it
makes me kind of think from theinside too.
Right, Like I'm the man Ishould know about cars, and
hence I'm going to make thedecision.
Terrance (20:43):
I don't think.
I don't think that, that inthat situation, I don't think
it's more about being a man, Ithink it's more about okay, well
, if you hold the power from theperspective of, maybe, the
financial perspective, or ofyour view as having all the
power in the relationship, thenyeah, you make that decision.
It's not necessarily becauseI'm the man I know about cars,
because there's a lot ofsituations where the women know
a lot more about cars than theactual man does, for sure.
Sandy (21:02):
But no, I was just using the car shopping analogy because
, you know, I feel like that's.
That's definitely a place intime where I see other people
trying to kind of influence ourrelationship dynamic, because
they always turn to you firstand then you're like, oh well,
(21:25):
she needs to figure out thenumbers.
Terrance (21:27):
That's right, because I don't do none of the banking.
I do make the decision on thecars.
I just don't make the decisionon whether or not we're buying
the car.
Sandy (21:34):
Right.
So to me it makes me thinkabout okay, well, if there's an
imbalance of power in arelationship, is the same thing
happening, right, like the guyis just like well, for whatever
reason obviously it's notbecause they have to know cars,
but it could be that they havethe, you know, the gender power,
the financial power or whateverpower that they just
(21:55):
automatically think like oh well, I got the power, so I'm making
the decision.
Terrance (22:01):
I think, when it comes to decisions, I think
ultimately, each individual isdifferent comes to decisions.
I think, ultimately, eachindividual is different, but I
do think that if you're in asituation where you feel like
you have all the power, thenwhen you start talking about the
decisions that need to be made,you're going to put the
priority on what you feel isbest.
Not to say that that's rightand not to say that everyone
(22:21):
would do that, but I do think insome cases that may happen, or
even just do it withoutconsulting your partner.
Sandy (22:27):
You know, we probably have a dollar threshold between
the two of us, not that we'veever really talked about it, but
like, oh hey, I'm gonna spendblank on blank, you know, and we
just tell each other.
Terrance (22:40):
But I I can't even buy a muffin without you freaking
out.
You knew that was coming.
Sandy (22:47):
But you know where it's like.
Oh well, you know whatever.
It doesn't matter what theythink, because I'm just going to
buy whatever it is that I want.
Terrance (23:01):
So that's a good segue .
Let me ask you this question Doyou think an imbalance in power
can shape how couplescommunicate?
Because I think that is a.
I think there's two aspects ofit.
I think that, right, there is.
Sandy (23:13):
Financially and communication.
Terrance (23:14):
Yeah, I think that right, there is more a
communication issue as opposedto financial issue, right like
I'm not even going to speak tomy partner.
Sandy (23:21):
So I feel like, yeah, it can cause definitely an
imbalance there.
I'm not going to ask theiropinion, not even going to give
them a heads up, I'm just goingto go do what I want to go.
Terrance (23:33):
Do I think that in those situations where, even if
you do communicate, the personwho has the power has the
opportunity to assert theiropinions and dominate the
conversations or any questionsbecause they feel like they
actually have the power?
Sandy (23:47):
Yeah.
Terrance (23:49):
And I think that if you're on the opposite side,
where you don't have that power,I think it is probably harder
for you to voice your opinionsand have your voice heard,
because you feel like you justdon't have the power.
You can't express your needs.
Sandy (24:08):
Either that or you are expressing yourself and it's
going to not get reciprocated,or you're constantly going to
get kind of pushed to the side,and I think ultimately that
could also end in resentment,right.
Terrance (24:25):
So what happens when you're in a situation where
someone feels like they have allthe power and they're asserting
their opinions and dominatingconversations and you're not
having your needs met becauseyou're afraid to voice what it
is that you need?
Sandy (24:43):
Well then, you just need to go grab a frying pan.
Terrance (24:47):
Obviously, we're not grabbing.
We don't condone any violence.
What I was looking for is, whenyou're in a situation like that
, you know there can beobviously a huge barrier in
communicating and then when youhave that barrier, that's when
you start to have a whole bunchof trouble.
Right, we talked about thisbefore you have.
You know all themisunderstandings and you get
(25:10):
unintentional messages becausethe way that you're
communicating is not conduciveto being open and honest.
Sandy (25:33):
And I think, right, it ends up being where you attempt
to communicate your unhappiness.
But you know, it also kind ofmakes me wonder like does it
change the style ofcommunication based on it?
Because if you're expressingyour opinion like you said,
needs are not getting met.
Do you then have to alter yourstyle of communication?
Terrance (25:57):
I guess, so the communication piece is important
, but let me ask you this Do youthink that the person who is
viewed as having, you know, lesspower can be totally honest
with the person who has morepower?
And the reason why I ask thatis because communication is one
thing, but you also got toconsider support being impacted
(26:19):
when someone has all the power.
Sandy (26:21):
When I say support, I mean support for each other,
support for yourself or yourpartner in a relationship,
support for each other, supportfor yourself or your partner in
a relationship that's a goodquestion, and I don't know if I
me personally I could be thatway.
I would probably not becompletely open and honest and,
(26:42):
yeah, I'd probably end up, likeI said, resenting you for it.
Terrance (26:45):
What are you saying?
Resenting me, you would end upresenting your partner for it.
Yeah, there's also thesituation, or there's also the
issue, with you.
Know, if you're in a situationwhere you are the one who does
not have the power, then when itcomes time and you have to
(27:06):
compromise on something, there'sa chance that you're going to
get the short end of the stick,because if I'm the person who
has all the power, why do I needto concede?
Why do I need to makeconcessions if I'm the one who
is it?
Know what I mean.
Sandy (27:27):
Yeah Well, and that makes me kind of think of the fact
like you know, do they just stop?
You know, stop caring, stopjust voicing opinion, just like
whatever, everything at thatpoint, because you're right, if
(27:48):
they're just going to get theirway anyhow, like what's the
point?
Terrance (27:51):
Yeah, it's possible, all right, so let's talk about
how to address a situation whenyou fear there's an imbalance of
power dynamics in yourrelationship.
I'm going to toss it to you andI'm going to ask you this
question, and I'm going to hopethat you've actually thought
about this question how wouldyou go about addressing it?
Sandy (28:15):
Well, since I can't get the frying pan, I would honestly
just tell you hey, like this ishow I'm feeling when you do
this action, when you take overthe situation and you don't even
speak to me about it orwhatever it is.
You know, that's just the oneexample I have, but you know I
(28:36):
don't like it.
I feel affronted and offendedand whatever.
Terrance (28:41):
Look at you using them words what?
Sandy (28:42):
if I said whatever Too bad no.
Terrance (28:44):
I think the first step is recognizing that there's an
imbalance, that it exists.
I think that has to be thefirst thing and that, whether
that be you going to yourpartner and saying that or you
guys sitting down and coming tothat assessment.
But I think the first thing is,you know, recognizing that it
actually exists, because then,when you recognize that it
actually exists, there's animbalance, then you can start
(29:06):
looking at OK, well, what is thecause?
You can't fix something if youdon't know it exists and you
don't know what the actual causeis.
Once you know that it existsand you know what the cause is,
you can now start to address itand take whatever steps as a
couple or individual to rectifywhat it is that's actually going
on.
Sandy (29:27):
Yeah Well, and I think it's got to be difficult,
especially if the person withthe power doesn't even realize
necessarily they have it andthen they have to also give it
up at the same time.
Terrance (29:42):
Well, I mean, each person is different and I'm not
going to say they're going tohave a problem giving it up if
they didn't recognize it.
I'm not going to go down thepath that you always go on.
But once you recognize it andyou know what the cause is, then
I think the other part aboutthat is having that open
communication, promoting openand honest communication and
(30:03):
mutual respect.
Because if the situationexisted where there was an
imbalance and you care for thatperson and you actually have the
actual respect, then when youstart having these conversations
, you're going to listen to themand try to actually rectify
those.
Otherwise, why are you together?
Sandy (30:21):
Yeah.
So, Because I want the power.
Terrance (30:26):
Well, so because I want the power.
Well, and one other thing thatyou can actually attempt to do,
rather than say I want the power, is find ways to actually
rebalance the power dynamic sothat there's greater equity
within the relationship.
In order to do that, you haveto really know each other,
because each relationship isdifferent.
(30:48):
But once you know each otherand you can recognize where
those imbalances are, then youcan work on rebalancing it so
it's not so imbalanced.
Were you going to say something?
Sandy (31:01):
So you never commented on whether you felt like ours was
imbalanced or balanced.
Terrance (31:09):
You didn't ask me.
Why am I going to comment onsomething you didn't ask me?
I don't feel that it's I think.
First off, I don't want peopleto think that we're perfect.
I am, but you're not.
I think what we do works.
Yeah.
I mean I don't see a situationwhere you know one person is,
(31:34):
with the exception of the actualmoney.
I do tell people all the timeSandy can be doing whatever she
wants to do with that money.
I would never know.
That is the only thing.
Other than that, I mean we havea lot of communication about a
lot of stuff.
I mean I don't go out and justwilly nilly buy bikes without
having communicationconversation with you.
That would be an issue.
Sandy (31:52):
That would be a problem that would be a problem, that
would be a problem.
Terrance (31:54):
I'd probably have like 10 bikes yeah, you probably
would we'd probably be not hereright now bike poor?
Sandy (32:01):
we definitely.
They talk about being housepoor and being bike poor.
Terrance (32:05):
We would be bike poor.
We would be bike poor.
No, I think what we have works.
I mean, nothing's perfect and Idon't pretend that anything
will be perfect.
I don't think that we need tomove towards perfection.
I think it works.
If we get to a situation whereit doesn't work, then we can
(32:25):
work to rebalance the powerdynamics of this relationship.
That's good enough for you,mm-hmm.
Sandy (32:31):
All right, I keep hearing this song in my head.
Terrance (32:33):
All right, well, enough about your song.
We've come to understand thatpower dynamics are not solely
about dominance or control, butencompass a spectrum of
influences that shape how werelate to one another.
Influences that shape how werelate to one another Whether
it's recognizing and challenginggender norms, redistributing
responsibilities more equitableor fostering open communications
(32:54):
and mutual respect.
Addressing power dynamicsrequires a willingness to
confront the status quo andactively work towards creating a
more balanced and inclusivedynamic.
As we navigate ourrelationships, let us remember
that understanding andaddressing power dynamics is not
a one-time fix, but an ongoingjourney of self-awareness,
(33:14):
reflection and growth.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us onyour favorite podcasting app and
social media.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (33:30):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
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