February 24, 2024 • 43 mins
Have you ever considered that a splash of contractual wisdom could be the secret ingredient to a harmonious relationship? We certainly think so. Join us as we unravel the intricate weave of relationship agreements, discussing how setting clear expectations can prevent those pesky misunderstandings that even the strongest couples encounter. Just like the precision of a well-tailored suit, our rapport will show you how agreements in romance can be tailored to fit perfectly around the nuances of your unique partnership.
Living together is an art form, and this episode paints a vivid picture of the dance that is cohabitation. We candidly share our experiences with setting household rules that cater to both the early birds and night owls among us. Our laughter-filled banter leads us through the minefields of 'safe spaces,' in-house noise ordinances, and the culinary choreography that keeps our homes in balance. By the end of our discussion, you'll be well-versed in the delicate negotiation tactics that ensure peace reigns in shared spaces.
To top it off, we tackle the hilariously relatable concept of "shopping immunity." Ever been caught between respecting your partner's snack stash and the siren call of those forbidden treats? We've been there, and we're letting you in on how to navigate these treacherous waters. As we wrap up another entertaining Lunch with Sandy podcast, we invite you to weigh in and connect with us online. It's your stories, reactions, and insights that add that special seasoning to our community, and we can't wait for a second helping of your thoughts in our next episode!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:01):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:23):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:42):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intodifferent topics and offer
perspective from two peoplewho've been married for a very,
very long time.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:55):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:56):
And today I want to introduce the concept of the
relationship agreement.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow on
your favorite podcasting app.
You can also follow us on allsocial media at lunch with Sandy
.
Speaking of Sandy, how are youdoing today?
Sandy (01:20):
I'm well and I'm tired of this cold weather.
Terrance (01:24):
now, that was almost a two word answer.
Sandy (01:27):
Almost.
It was more than a two word.
I am ready to be a bird and flysouth.
Terrance (01:38):
Well, I've never had the desire to be a bird, so I'm
not sure about flying south.
I do understand that theweather might be a little better
down south, but there's listen,there's pros to cons to
everything, and keep this inmind.
I'm going to try to say hisname, but we're going to
(01:58):
probably get it wrong.
Poxatani Phil came outyesterday and didn't see a
shadow, so spring is rightaround the corner.
Sandy (02:05):
Yeah Well, even Ayla today said she couldn't wait to
start wearing shorts again.
Terrance (02:11):
Listen, as cold as it is outside.
This kid is walking around withno jacket and I say to her why
don't you have a jacket on?
Oh, it was, it was cold.
But then I started runningaround and got warm.
So she's out there with just at-shirt, two t-shirts, a short
sleeve and a long sleeve.
That ain't cut.
Sandy (02:32):
Well, it's funny because I also feel like during the
summer she doesn't always wear alot of short shirts.
She doesn't she doesn't.
Terrance (02:41):
I mean her.
Her wardrobe is pretty standard.
She doesn't she doesn't deviatetoo much away from her wardrobe
.
Sandy (02:47):
No, and see there in this yeah, she has black leggings,
pajama pants, although she isdab dabbling into sweatpants.
Terrance (02:59):
And speaking of wardrobe, so I stopped by that
clothing store today that's downon South Main Street and I went
in.
And they do have some, theyhave some nice clothes there,
but I didn't have my glasses onand so I couldn't see the price
tag.
They had some nice sweatersthere but there was a salesman
who was sitting to, who wassitting and talking to two
(03:20):
people who they were on thecouch, like a little little
couch area there, and I believethey were talking about custom
making actual suits and he waslike oh, you send me the
information that you look forthis, that and the other, and
he's it's roughly about $3,500.
And I was like I don't know ifI would pay $3,500 for one suit,
but it did have some niceclothes.
(03:42):
I didn't get a chance to gothrough and look at everything.
They particularly had some nicevests.
They did have some nice shoes.
He saw my table and he was likekind of shoes that owes.
And I told him he says I'dnever seen him with, you know
the gold tips on them, like,yeah, they nice.
So I found out they're oppositehours of operation and I'm
(04:04):
probably going to go back thereopen Tuesdays to Fridays, 10 to
six, and Saturdays I can'tremember what he said, but
they're open on Saturdays also.
So Monday and Sunday they'renot open.
Sandy (04:13):
Gotcha.
So it's funny because I wasjust thinking about obviously I
miss my dad you know, but at thesame time I'm like dang it.
I really miss having a tailorin the family.
Yeah, you take so much forgranted.
Terrance (04:29):
Yeah, now you might not, we weren't getting custom
made suits, but we were gettingsuits.
Sandy (04:34):
We could have, I guess, if we really had wanted to.
Terrance (04:36):
but I mean, but we I mean the cost on those suits.
You couldn't beat that price,just couldn't beat that price.
So earlier, before I went tothe clothing store, actually, I
had a meeting with the cyclinggroup and there are a couple of
things that we had to talk about, and one of the things that was
on the agenda was liabilityinsurance, and we started
(04:57):
talking about okay, well, wehave to figure out what some of
the terms are going to be andwhat the agreement is going to
be, and then I started thinkingabout it.
You know, there's so manythings that we do in our lives
that that could use an agreement.
Well, that you have to sign anagreement for yeah, you think
about it by a house.
(05:17):
Sign an agreement, a regularinsurance policy.
You sign an agreement creditcards Marriage certificate.
Sandy (05:24):
It's technically an agreement.
Terrance (05:26):
Well, that technically is not an agreement.
Sandy (05:29):
So there's just.
It should come with your ownrules and regulations.
Terrance (05:34):
But when you think about it, the purpose of these
agreements are to dictate.
You know the terms that eachparty has to adhere to, and so
then it hit me, I believe thatfor every relationship, you
should have a relationshipagreement.
Sandy (05:54):
I feel like it definitely makes things easier.
Just get all the stuff off theout of the way upfront, and then
there won't be anymiscommunication or, you know,
expectations not being spokenabout.
Terrance (06:09):
I think that's 100% the case.
I think the biggest challenge ispeople getting over the initial
shock of someone saying listen,I think we need to have an
agreement to set the terms ofthis relationship Because, when
you think about it, that is avery business practice and you
(06:32):
don't want to be in a situationwhere, well, I can see how
someone can be a bitapprehensive to getting involved
with someone who's looking attheir relationship from a
business perspective.
But, again, as you said earlier, when you can set those
expectations, define the terms,I think in the long run everyone
(06:55):
is happier.
Sandy (06:56):
Yeah and um, no-transcript.
I would highly recommend it forany two people who are getting
ready to move into one anotherWith one another, like it is,
you know, just part of figuringthings out.
And then you can even put inclauses Like if you don't do
(07:17):
this as part of the relationshipagreement and you're not
adhering to it, then you owe mea nightly massage.
Terrance (07:26):
Yeah, well listen, I'm gonna tell you what I would
have in my relationshipagreement and I'm gonna break it
down into categories.
And it's interesting that yousaid that, because I do think
that there are some clauses thatmay null and void the actual,
not just the agreement.
It could possibly null and voidthe actual relationship itself.
Sandy (07:48):
Yeah, but we're gonna try to stay positive.
Today Sandy's not gonna go downthat dock road.
Terrance (07:54):
We'll see how long that.
Sandy's able to do that.
We'll see All right.
So again, you know how I liketo break it.
I like to break things downinto categories and most
agreements right.
They're different sections andso if I'm gonna come up with a
relationship agreement, thereare certain things that I have
(08:14):
to cover, that I attribute to,or I would like to call the
basics Okay, and those are thethings that you know.
You gotta have something to laythe foundation for the actual
agreement and there are a fewthings that I would put in.
When I'm talking about theactual basics and seeing that
(08:35):
you were just discussingsomething with Jack's over there
, I think one of the things thatI would include in the basics
of any relationship agreement isthe pet clause.
And now let me explain to youwhat I mean when I say the pet
clause.
Sandy (08:51):
Okay.
Terrance (08:52):
A lot of times two people come together and they
have this wonderful relationshipthat they're building and they
decide they wanna add to therelationship, but they're not
ready to add children, so theyget a pet.
Sandy (09:04):
Yeah.
Terrance (09:05):
Right Now, as you go through your journey with your
partner and your pet, you canbecome very attached to said pet
, okay, and the pet can becomevery attached to you, more so to
one than the other.
Something goes wrong.
Sandy (09:28):
Yep.
Terrance (09:29):
Who gets the pet?
Sandy (09:30):
It's a tough one.
Terrance (09:32):
Not if you put it in the actual relationship
agreement.
Sandy (09:34):
I'm trying to just think for us right now, we're not
talking about us right nowbecause technically we didn't
have this agreement.
Terrance (09:41):
But I would have a pet clause that dictates what
happens with the pet shouldsomeone break the agreement, and
our relationship has to be nulland void.
That way there's no fighting.
The pet doesn't see thenegative energy between the two
(10:02):
of you because you can determinewho has it full-time, part-time
, nights and weekends.
However, you wanna actuallyslice the dice Colpet parenting.
Yeah, but depending on who theperson is, you may need to add
into that pet clause.
Sandy (10:16):
If that person is not a good pet parent.
Terrance (10:19):
You get full custody of that pet and you determine
the visitation rights.
It sounds silly but again,sometimes you have to play the
long game and think long-termand think about what's best and
think about what's best for thepet.
Sandy (10:36):
Well see, I feel like you set me up for failure.
Terrance (10:40):
How am I set you up for failure?
Sandy (10:41):
See, he's gonna go down the dark road.
You don't have to, you don'thave to.
This is your choice.
Yeah, but I'm still gonna sayit.
Yeah, cause people can be alsoreally manipulative, right?
And if the relationship fallsapart and one person wants to
really really get back at theother one, that is definitely a
(11:06):
way to do it Exactly.
Stop taking the dog.
Terrance (11:09):
And now listen, you don't wanna have to start
thinking about whether or notsomeone's gonna be manipulative
when it comes to a situationlike that, but when you start
working out worst case scenariosand this is why I think that
some people may be apprehensive,because now they think, well,
you're viewing me in the lightthat I would never put myself in
(11:30):
, but you never know- yeah right, people might see it almost
like a pre-numptual agreement.
Sandy (11:38):
Well, you know what?
And the thing about it is.
Terrance (11:41):
when I started thinking about this, the first
thing that popped in my mind wasyou know what, when you start
thinking about two peoplegetting married and whether or
not someone should have apre-numptual agreement, that
causes a lot of friction.
But I said okay, well, beforepeople get married, they're in a
relationship and now, if youcan come up with a relationship
agreement, you might not need apre-numptual agreement, because
(12:01):
now that relationship agreementcan carry over, based off how
you write it.
Sandy (12:08):
Yeah, yeah, like hey, we have this relationship agreement
.
It's not an olive voodoo nowthat we're getting married.
Terrance (12:13):
Exactly, you signed on the dotted line.
Sandy (12:18):
So I think one interesting one which I think we
would both have would be thebedtime stipulation.
Well, yeah, now see here's thething, especially when we're on
different bedtime schedule.
Terrance (12:34):
Well, so when I talk about the basics and I think
about bedtime, I don't know ifwe're thinking about the same
thing, because my rules forbedtime are very simple, and you
know that.
Don't try to talk to me and askquestions when it's time for me
to go to bed.
It has nothing to do with whenI go to bed.
When I go to bed, my mind, Iprep, I get in that bed, it
(12:55):
starts to shut down, don't?
And you do this all the time.
Well, you've been very good atit lately, but you know, every
time you slip up, don't startasking me questions that require
me to put thought or answersomething when I'm in bed.
Sandy (13:09):
Well, I wasn't even thinking about that.
I was thinking even, maybe,like bedtime, like routine, is
TV allowed during bedtime?
You know, for me it's easy tofall asleep to the TV, but other
people might not be, you know.
So, and this also kind of goesinto bedtime, but more awake
(13:31):
time, because you know, for methe bedtime yeah well, for me
the bedtime clause is you don'tlike to be spoken to at night.
I normally don't like to bespoken to first thing in the
morning.
It's like my brain just doesn'twanna do anything.
So along with that, thereshould be also a noise ordinance
.
Terrance (13:50):
That's not a bad idea.
Now, see, here's the thing now,when two things.
One again this is why I said Ithink your bedtime be different
with mine.
But second, when you starttalking about the noise
ordinance piece, you have to I'mtrying not to bleed into other
portions of this, but I'm goingto in order for the Nord's the
(14:12):
noise ordinance piece to befollowed, there has to be I'll
call them, safe spaces that cannote that under no circumstances
Can be come part of the wholeeminent domain.
There's no space that thegovernment and when I say
government I mean those peoplewho are putting the ordinances
(14:33):
in place can now say that spaceis for this.
Because think about it fromthis perspective you don't like
people talking to you firstthing in the morning and you Win
in that situation.
Because I get up so early inthe morning, You're not awake.
Sandy (14:48):
Yeah, except when I get up before you leave the house.
Terrance (14:51):
But that's well, listen, if you don't get up
before I leave the house, thenyou ain't got a job and you
ain't got nothing to do.
That's because I don't leavethe house until after six and if
you have to be the work for 830, we got a daughter who has to
be out of the house for 730.
You cutting it kind of close ifyou wait too long because now
you got to work with Dealingwith a teenager who may or may
(15:12):
not be in the mood to get readyworking from home.
Sandy (15:15):
It's fine, but you're right though, you do wake up
super early, so hence the noiseordinance for me is first thing
in the morning.
Yes, no, I get that, I'mallowed to make noise in this
house before specific no, not inthe house.
Terrance (15:29):
That's ridiculous.
This you can't say in the house.
When you start talking aboutthe noise ordinance you should
be talking about and the onlything that I will give you is in
and surrounding the room.
I don't get ready in the room.
I don't shower on that level.
I'm all down here.
Sandy (15:47):
Yeah, but I don't know the noise carries more in this
house.
Terrance (15:50):
You don't not hear me in the morning when I'm in the
shower.
Sandy (15:53):
No, not in the shower, but I do hear you often times
down here.
The only reason why down downhere.
Terrance (15:59):
Only reason why you hear me is because of Jax, and
I'll tell you what I mean.
Most of the time you're soundsleep when I get out of bed, but
then he gets out of the bed,and when he gets out of the bed
he moves you, and then you turn.
And now not necessarily.
Sandy (16:14):
I hear you walking around on the first floor.
Terrance (16:17):
So listen, if You're gonna try to say a noise
ordinance is going to restrictme from walking around, you're
not gonna, you're not gonna getby it from that, because if you
hear me walking, Honestly,during the week it's not that
big of a deal.
Sandy (16:32):
It's more of the weekend.
Terrance (16:33):
You don't hear me walking during the weekend, cuz
I'm down here.
Sandy (16:36):
Yeah Well, sometimes you decide to get started early,
whatever it is that you're gonnado for the day, because you are
up so early.
I get it, but at the same time,don't wake me up.
Terrance (16:47):
Listen, I'm gonna blow holes in what you just said.
When I get started or what I'mdoing on the weekend, typically
it's training, which is downhere on the other side.
Sandy (16:59):
There's been times where I don't make.
I hear you at like seven in themorning seven in the morning.
Terrance (17:04):
Let me tell you something first off, noise
ordinance do not exist, no no,you can cut your grass at seven
in the morning in this town.
No you know well, yes, you can.
Noise ordinance does not extendpast six, fifty nine in the
(17:25):
morning and it does not includethe ability to walk around the
house.
I'm not going to stay on noiseordinance anymore because I want
to move into that whole aspectof if, if you, if you want to
have a noise ordinance, then Ihave to invoke sanctuary, and
Sanctuary are places that once Ideem them as my sanctuary there
(17:50):
are limits for you to use forwhatever purposes you think they
should be used for.
Sandy (17:55):
So you're just gonna start taking parts of the house?
What about my parts of thehouse?
Terrance (17:58):
You got listen, give me the kitchen either.
Sandy (18:00):
I don't want the.
Terrance (18:01):
I didn't give you the kitchen, but you have the
entirety of the bedroom and thebathroom up there, do you not?
Yes, you have the entire closet.
Sandy (18:09):
You sleep in the bedroom too, hey listen.
Hey.
Terrance (18:13):
Sleep is not, sleep does not count.
I listen, I can sleep somewhereelse.
Matter of fact, maybe that'swhat I do.
Maybe I'll make somewhere elsesanctuary.
You got to be careful what yousay now.
Sandy (18:27):
I mean it's, it's not in, it's not just my space.
Terrance (18:34):
Listen, if you're going to invoke a noise
ordinance, then there arecertain areas that will be
Deemed as my sanctuary, so I canget ready and do the stuff that
I need to do without Disturbingor breaking your noise
ordinance.
That's the way it works.
Sandy (18:53):
Which is, like I said, during the work week, it's not
that big deal, no, no does bringthe thing.
That does bring up part of yousaid like the bathroom too that
I have the bathroom, buthonestly I rather you have the
bath no stairs, listen.
Terrance (19:11):
No.
Sandy (19:12):
No.
Terrance (19:14):
It's not about what you rather have the bathroom on
the floor.
Sandy (19:17):
First floor should be eminent domain.
It should be for public useonly let me tell you something.
Terrance (19:23):
Nothing in this house is for public use.
Only no one outside of thishouse pays for this mortgage.
They are, as the term says, assout no eminent domain.
On my sanctuary.
That bathroom sanctuaryDiscussion doesn't make it well.
First off you say everybodyelse like there's a thousand
(19:43):
people in there.
Sandy (19:44):
We have any company and what happens it gets cleaned
after.
Terrance (19:48):
I always clean that bathroom before the people.
Those people come over here.
Sandy (19:52):
But if we have unexpected guests, you're not going around
cleaning the bathroom every day.
Terrance (19:57):
They can go pee outside People coming over like
people come over all the timewhich they don't as a reason to
say, okay, well, you shouldn'thave access to this, to that
bathroom.
I Contribute to the mortgage,not them.
No one is going to have rightsto anything before I have rights
(20:19):
to.
So that's what it is messyspaces my bathroom is not that
messy if aila wasn't in there.
Sandy (20:27):
The issue, then to kick her out so Listen.
Terrance (20:31):
So sanctuary, when you start talking about these
agreements, you need to be ableto invoke sanctuary for
particular places, particularlyif someone has a noise ordinance
that they're trying to actuallyenforce, sandy.
Now here's another thing that Ihave to have part of the basics
(20:51):
, and this is the whole Sharingthing, and let me explain to you
what I mean by sharing.
If I open a beer, it's mine.
What makes you think you shouldhave an entitlement to the
first set?
No, as part of the agreement.
(21:12):
If you would like a sip of beer, you should open your own and
take a sip.
Sandy (21:18):
But what if you only want a sip and you don't want a
whole?
Terrance (21:20):
that sounds like a you problem and not a me problem.
This, what we're doing rightnow, is we're working.
We're working out these, thebasics of what would be part of
my relationship agreement.
Sandy (21:35):
Okay, you don't want to give me the first sip of beer
anymore.
Terrance (21:39):
It's mine.
Why should you enjoy that firstsip?
Sandy (21:43):
I'll take the second sip.
How's that?
Terrance (21:44):
No, you should get your own.
Okay, you should get your own.
Sandy (21:48):
Usually I don't like drinking a whole beer, I just
want a little bit.
Terrance (21:52):
Then what you should do is you open up a beer.
Uh-huh you pour a little in thecup, you drink it, and when you
want more, you go back to thatstale beer that you opened and
didn't finish.
Sandy (22:01):
That's just gross.
Hey, I'm just being gross.
I'm not being gross.
Terrance (22:05):
The person who's not finishing a beer is being
abusive to the beer and beinggross Don't.
I'm not gonna use the termalcohol abuse, but I'm gonna use
the term alcohol abuse.
That's alcohol abuse opening upthat beer, not finishing it.
Sandy (22:21):
So what?
Not necessarily to share or notto share, but it is in a way.
But it's more about sharingSharing meal responsibilities.
That's, I am, my relationshipagreement who's cooking and when
?
I?
Terrance (22:38):
Got no problem with that If you're talking about
who's cooking and when.
Now, when you talk aboutsharing meal responsibilities,
everyone's schedule is different.
Sandy (22:48):
Yeah.
Terrance (22:49):
So, as part of that, the responsibility of you
getting off work and leaving ontime so meals can be prepped in
the time that fits foreveryone's schedule, that's
gonna be part of my agreement.
How about them apples?
Sandy (23:02):
and dishes.
Meals and dishes that's alwaysthe biggest thing.
I feel like I spend too muchtime in the kitchen.
Announcer (23:09):
I do dishes.
Sandy (23:10):
I know you do dishes.
Terrance (23:12):
I didn't say you don't , you said you spend too much
time in the kitchen and you saidyou don't want me to give you
the kitchen.
I didn't give you the kitchen.
Why you spend so much time inthere?
Maybe that's why nobody elsegoes in there, because why?
Announcer (23:23):
you being in the kitchen.
Terrance (23:25):
You're giving off the impression that you're enforcing
eminent domain and you have thekitchen.
And let me ask you this is ittrue or not true?
In the kitchen, you want thingswhere you want them.
True there you go, and soeveryone feels that it's
off-limits, because the kitchenis your eminent domain.
Sandy (23:45):
That is not true.
Terrance (23:46):
I'm just listen, I'm just telling you how people
might feel.
Sandy (23:49):
I'm saying let's, let's up the amount of days of cooking
that I don't cook.
You ain't got a cook every day.
I keep telling you that I know,but I want people to cook for
me too.
Terrance (24:00):
All right, listen, you want people to cook for you.
I'm gonna tell you what's gonnahelp that out when the
summertime comes around, we'regonna have to get a I forgot
what it is called already.
Yeah, the grill.
That has a good look.
See, here's the thing.
What you're not realizing isthis you like shrimp, right?
(24:20):
You like tacos, you like.
There's so many things you canmake right on the actual Grittle
that you just pop it open.
You make it all at once andit's done, it's nice and it's
easy.
Sandy (24:35):
Yeah, I just don't want to just not get used.
Terrance (24:39):
What's gonna, which I mean wouldn't get used.
Sandy (24:41):
We bought that that's different, see hot and that
never gets used.
Terrance (24:46):
Well, listen, first off the insta pot there was.
We know there's a couple ofrecalls on the insta pot, so
don't bring up the insta pot.
I thought you can talk aboutthe other thing, the the thing
for the brio you got to keep inmind, because with that you have
to have, you have to build afire before you can actually do
that.
Sandy (25:03):
I know I wasn't even gonna bring that up, although I
would like more use of our pizzaoven.
You should do that more often.
Terrance (25:09):
How about you do it more often?
Sandy (25:11):
No, I like when you're, you know all right, there you go
.
So just do it more often listen.
Terrance (25:17):
We're not gonna.
This is.
This is why we don't have anagreement, because you're not
being Realistic, what you'rewants here.
Sandy (25:24):
That's not true.
I want a pizza once a week.
Terrance (25:27):
During the summer, and this one out of spring summer,
we tend to have pizza once aweek we do, but I want them in
the winter too.
Sandy (25:35):
No, that's not, I don't need them once a week.
Terrance (25:37):
And if you want pizza in the winter, if you want pizza
in the winter once a month, getout there and make it or order.
Sandy (25:43):
That's the only way you're gonna get pizza that now
listen.
Terrance (25:47):
Now we're getting sidetracked, so I'm gonna get to
make me think of another onewhat financial stuff, like who
does what?
Sandy (25:57):
that's a good one and do we?
Is there like Do you?
Well, for starters, do you haveseparate accounts?
Do you have joint accounts?
Terrance (26:04):
We're not getting into that that's.
Sandy (26:06):
But what like what's you know?
Is there like a dollarthreshold that must require a
pre authorization?
Terrance (26:17):
Well, I think you got to look at you got to look at
the relationship from theperspective of where you are.
You might not be far enoughdown the line where you're
talking about having you knowone account and, yeah, who's
responsible for all those things, so you can talk about how
who's gonna handle what from theperspective of particularly if
you're living together.
But I think the some of thatstuff depends on how far down
(26:40):
the line you are.
Yeah, I agree so Now I talkedabout I talked about the basics,
and, and now I'm gonna talkabout a category that I Labeled
immunity, and let me explain toyou what I mean by immunity.
There's gonna be certain thingsthat are going to be in this
relationship agreement that makeme immune, me well, that
(27:02):
provides me with immunity fromcertain tasks.
Sandy (27:08):
You want immunity from certain tasks.
Terrance (27:10):
Yep, and I'll give you some of those tasks.
Okay there are certain moviesthat I do not want to
participate in watching and thatneeds to be defined.
The type of movies should bedefined in that relationship
agreement.
Sandy (27:24):
So basically any.
Terrance (27:26):
I don't do rom-coms.
Yeah out of the question.
Just don't do them.
I don't do them, won't do them,will never do them.
It's a very, very raresituation where I do that.
I also don't like to watchsomething based off recommended
recommendations from people whoI Don't really know.
Sandy (27:48):
Okay.
Terrance (27:50):
Part of that is because if you don't know them,
their recommendations Can reallysuck.
Yeah, because if you don't knowthem, how do you know if you
have anything in common withthem?
Sandy (28:00):
Hmm I.
Terrance (28:02):
Like to be able to look at something and say, yeah,
that's something I'll watch,and then watch it, or nah, I'm
just not interested unless it'sa robcom and here's the other
thing about that we don't alwayshave to watch the same thing.
I should be.
I should have a certain levelof immunity From watching
(28:22):
certain things that I don't wantto watch you do.
I know I do.
I'm talking about the agreement.
Okay, I'm talking about theagreement.
You got to stay focused on whatwe're talking about here.
We're talking about arelationship agreement, not
about what I Can or can't do.
Gotcha you with me, I'm withyou.
All right.
Another area where I thinkshould be in a relationship
(28:47):
agreement if it would be in mindfor area of immunity is
Shopping.
And I'm not talking about foodshopping.
I'm talking about I don't wantto go to the mall with you.
I don't want to.
And let me rephrase that Ifyou're not a targeted shopper,
uh-uh, if you can't focus andmake decisions, I'm out.
(29:10):
I'm not shopping with you, Idon't want to shop either.
Sandy (29:15):
How are we gonna get the house shopping done?
Terrance (29:16):
Well, you just see, you're skipping over exactly
what I just said.
I said I'm not talking aboutfood shopping and stuff like
that.
You completely missed that.
Sandy (29:25):
No, you said not a targeted shopper, but you don't
have to be a targeted to shopperand to for food department
store.
Terrance (29:33):
I'm not talking about food, and that's the.
I'm talking about big boxstores.
You're not, so you're missingwhat I'm saying.
Sandy (29:39):
I want immunity from all of that.
Terrance (29:42):
You're missing what I'm saying.
Sandy (29:43):
I know I get what you're saying.
I'm changing it.
I just don't want to shop.
Don't shop.
Terrance (29:49):
We'll be all right.
We'll be all right.
I got no problem going to stopand shop.
Uh-huh, I'm not going to themall with you, I'm not going to
the stores that are in there,I'm none of that stuff.
Because if you are not atargeted shopper and you can't
make a decision, you're gonna besitting in there walking around
forever In there, done that,not doing it anymore.
Sandy (30:09):
Yeah, well, that's.
That's one of the worst I justlike.
The most, I should say, isclothes shopping.
Terrance (30:17):
I think, what you don't know, what you want.
Sandy (30:19):
You're going clothes shopping to figure out what you
want, and it's just a torturousprocess.
Terrance (30:24):
I think clothes shopping is about knowing
yourself, and here's what I mean.
When you know yourself, you goin, you look at something.
Yeah, they ain't gonna be forme.
Sandy (30:32):
No, my problem is then when I go try it on.
Doesn't look great, yeah, well,you know it's a very deflating
experience for me.
Terrance (30:43):
And I should be one thing I just like the most and
that's why I feel I should beimmune from shopping with anyone
.
Sandy (30:49):
That's why I should have custom mail, or I mean custom
mail.
Clothes and suits, so I'm gonnastart spending like 3,500 on my
clothes.
Terrance (31:01):
Listen, that fine clothes place I went to today,
man, it was, it was legit, itwas legit.
Another area that I would addinto the relationship agreement
in the sense of immunity islaundry and that's not saying I
Don't want to do laundry becausewe know I do all my own laundry
(31:22):
.
However, I Think that thereshould be some level of immunity
between two individuals whenyou start talking about laundry,
because people do thingsdifferent ways and sometimes
People may try to Launder yourclothes and they ruin them.
Sandy (31:40):
So wouldn't that just be?
The agreement is each for theirown.
You do laundry, I do mine.
Terrance (31:49):
That immunity from having to participate in the
communal laundry experience.
That is what's going in myrelationship agreement when I do
one.
That's exactly the way it'sgonna be worded.
What that means is you do yours, I do mine, the way I say.
It just comes across muchbetter no communal laundry
(32:12):
experience or responsibilities.
Okay, period period yeah youknow the other thing that Really
really I would have to stick towhen I talk about Immunity in
the relationship agreement.
There are certain people that Idon't want to have to interact
(32:34):
with or be a part of, and so I'dlike to be able to invoke
immunity based on who the personis that you're bringing around.
Sandy (32:43):
That's funny.
I feel like that should even gointo the holistic, the basics
relationship agreement.
It's how social are we Like?
How often do we have somethingin our house?
Basically, well.
Terrance (32:58):
So you know what?
Now we can go back and put thatin the basics because, again,
that when I think there's adifference between that, how
social we are, and they're gonnabe certain people who I want to
be immune from having aninteraction with, regardless of
whether or not we're having asocial event here or whatever,
we can be out Anywhere and yourun into somebody whoop immunity
(33:21):
invoke, hit the button and Ijust poof, vanish away.
Sandy (33:27):
What if they come to the house?
Are you just poof?
Terrance (33:30):
sanctuary, sanctuary, sanctuary, sanctuary.
Two words sanctuary andterritory.
There's my sanctuary, and thenis my territory.
Sandy (33:41):
Mm-hmm territory.
Terrance (33:42):
If you cross into my territory, whatever happens to
you happens to you.
Sanctuary You're not allowed.
See the territory.
I may allow you and otherpeople to come into the
territory, but they may beconsequences and repercussions.
Sanctuary not allowed, ohgoodness.
These are the things that youhave to consider when you talk
(34:07):
about the relationship agreement.
So we know the terms that eachparty has to adhere to.
Sandy (34:13):
I had a real hard time trying to figure out an immunity
, but at some point I'll thinkof one.
Terrance (34:20):
That's the beauty about the relationship agreement
.
In the relationship agreementyou can define if and when the
terms can be adjusted.
See, it's not about just sayingyou can't do this, you can't do
that.
It's a process where youcommunicate and you come up with
these agreements.
Now, some are just steadfastand can't be broken.
(34:43):
Some might have someflexibility, but that has to be
defined within the terms of theactual relationship agreement.
There is one last section that Iwould have to make sure that's
included in any relationshipagreement that I am a part of.
That is that section that hasall the non-negotiable
(35:11):
stipulations.
These are those things thatwill null and void the
relationship, never mind theactual agreement.
Non-negotiable stipulations.
Any deviation from these areconsidered breach of contract,
breach of rental agreement,relationship null and void.
(35:33):
Let me tell you one of thethings that need to be discussed
when we start talking aboutthese non-negotiable
stipulations snacking.
I'm going to tell you snacking.
Listen, if I take the time toput a snack together for myself,
don't go eat my snack.
(35:53):
Now.
I might give you one or twopieces of my snack, but when you
take your hand and you do thescoop, you put it in a bowl and
you do the scoop.
I'm trying to think of when thisrecently occurred, because
Listen your problem is you'reonly thinking about what may or
may not have happened.
(36:14):
We're talking about arelationship agreement and what
I would actually have in theagreement.
We don't have a relationshipagreement.
Sandy (36:21):
I know.
So you've got to think aboutfrom this perspective.
Yeah, I'm just thinkinganything from the perspective of
if we were to create one today,I don't know how this snacking
would apply, but okay, all right.
So it's kind of like share ornot share.
But you also don't want grubbyhands in your bowl.
I get it.
Terrance (36:40):
It's not about the grubby hands.
It's about, okay, you have theopportunity to go and actually
make yourself a snack.
It's not about sharing becausethis is my snack.
It needs to be thought of.
If you're going to go ahead andyou're going to eat my snack,
that might be non-negotiable,that might be breach contract,
(37:03):
depending on what the snack is.
It all depends on and I knowyou can look at it and say, well
, the share or not share.
When I was talking about theshare or not share, I'm
specifically talking about mybeer that you always be trying
to take a sip of.
Sandy (37:15):
I do.
But yeah, the non-negotiablewould be a particular fine
dessert that I like.
Terrance (37:25):
I don't want nobody touching it.
There's exactly so.
Announcer (37:29):
When we talk about the considerations there are
certain snacks.
Terrance (37:32):
I don't care if you put your hand in there and have
some, but then there are otherones.
Nah, you got to go get your own.
This is mine.
I put a lot of time inpreparing this, even if it's
going upstairs, open up thepackage and then take it out of
the package.
There's a lot of time.
My time is money.
Don't do it.
Another aspect of, or anotherthing that I would say is
(37:56):
non-negotiable is rights to theremote control.
Sandy (38:01):
I feel like that one's been in our relationships since
day one.
Terrance (38:05):
I've owned the remote control.
Part of that is because if youaren't up to the technical
specifications on what it takesto change and turn on, then you
shouldn't have any rights to theremote control.
You can't come into a room,take the remote control and try
(38:27):
to change the channel or app,because now everything is
streaming.
Now that's non-negotiable.
That might be cause for breachof the actual relationship
agreement.
The relationship may have toend after that, depending on
what it is that's on thetelevision.
Sandy (38:46):
I don't know if it would be the non-negotiable items, but
I think it would be importantwho drives how often when we're
together.
Terrance (38:57):
We may have to have that conversation.
Well, I can fit that into mynon-negotiable Long distance
drives.
It's non-negotiable I'm goingto have to drive if your driving
skills ain't up to par.
Sandy (39:11):
What would we consider a long distance?
Terrance (39:13):
Listen, anything over two hours, anything over two
hours, is considered a longdistance.
I might be able to get awaywith three to four hours,
depending on what the traffic islike and things like that.
But if I got to grab the oldJesus handle every time you take
a turn, or if I got to put myhands on the dashboard every
time we come into a stoplight, Idon't like putting my life in
(39:37):
danger like that and that's alot of stress.
Sandy (39:41):
Along with the traveling one.
I'm surprised if you wouldn'tsay this, but AIS like
non-negotiable no because thatdoesn't apply just to who you're
in a relationship with.
We cannot ever be more than ona 10 minute delay going to any
(40:04):
of those events.
Terrance (40:05):
Well, that's the thing With AIS.
It doesn't make a difference.
If you're 10 minutes becausethat's going to be 10 minutes
you're going to have to catch upto the car.
Ais means ass in seat, and ifyou're not in that seat, the car
is pulling off and you're goingto have to play catch up.
The thing about that, too, is,I mean, there's more than one
vehicle, so you can always getin another vehicle and make your
(40:26):
way to wherever it is that thedestination is.
Sandy (40:32):
So one I think that we would agree on is smoking.
I don't like it.
I don't like the smell of it, Idon't want it in my house.
That would be.
Terrance (40:46):
Smoking is definitely non-negotiable.
Listen, first off, there is norelationship agreement if you
smoke, because there's norelationship.
From my perspective, if yousmoke, there ain't no
relationship.
Sandy (40:59):
All right.
So if I want to casually end arelationship, I'm going to do
Start smoking Start smoking.
Terrance (41:06):
Pick up a butt I'm out .
That is one sure-fire way toend a relationship with me.
Start smoking, I'm out.
I love you, but I don't Notanymore.
Sandy (41:19):
I love you, but not that.
So you got to pick one or theother.
Terrance (41:22):
Yeah, so when you start talking about all the
things that you have to do inyour life, all those major
things, they all require someform of agreement.
Again, like I said, you got tobuy a house.
There's a ton of agreements.
You got to actually sign Creditcard agreements, all of these
(41:45):
things you have to sign.
Everything has a term and acondition, An agreement yes, and
these terms and conditionsdictate what each party, what
their responsibility is when itcomes to that actual agreement.
What I am saying is we shouldhave a relationship agreement
(42:08):
for every relationship that youend that you're in that dictates
those terms, so you know whichparty is responsible for what
and who gets what in the eventthat a situation arises.
With that said, thank you forjoining us on the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
(42:30):
podcasting app.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (42:39):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
tiktok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:23):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:42):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intodifferent topics and offer
perspective from two peoplewho've been married for a very,
very long time.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:55):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:56):
And today I want to introduce the concept of the
relationship agreement.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow on
your favorite podcasting app.
You can also follow us on allsocial media at lunch with Sandy
.
Speaking of Sandy, how are youdoing today?
Sandy (01:20):
I'm well and I'm tired of this cold weather.
Terrance (01:24):
now, that was almost a two word answer.
Sandy (01:27):
Almost.
It was more than a two word.
I am ready to be a bird and flysouth.
Terrance (01:38):
Well, I've never had the desire to be a bird, so I'm
not sure about flying south.
I do understand that theweather might be a little better
down south, but there's listen,there's pros to cons to
everything, and keep this inmind.
I'm going to try to say hisname, but we're going to
(01:58):
probably get it wrong.
Poxatani Phil came outyesterday and didn't see a
shadow, so spring is rightaround the corner.
Sandy (02:05):
Yeah Well, even Ayla today said she couldn't wait to
start wearing shorts again.
Terrance (02:11):
Listen, as cold as it is outside.
This kid is walking around withno jacket and I say to her why
don't you have a jacket on?
Oh, it was, it was cold.
But then I started runningaround and got warm.
So she's out there with just at-shirt, two t-shirts, a short
sleeve and a long sleeve.
That ain't cut.
Sandy (02:32):
Well, it's funny because I also feel like during the
summer she doesn't always wear alot of short shirts.
She doesn't she doesn't.
Terrance (02:41):
I mean her.
Her wardrobe is pretty standard.
She doesn't she doesn't deviatetoo much away from her wardrobe
.
Sandy (02:47):
No, and see there in this yeah, she has black leggings,
pajama pants, although she isdab dabbling into sweatpants.
Terrance (02:59):
And speaking of wardrobe, so I stopped by that
clothing store today that's downon South Main Street and I went
in.
And they do have some, theyhave some nice clothes there,
but I didn't have my glasses onand so I couldn't see the price
tag.
They had some nice sweatersthere but there was a salesman
who was sitting to, who wassitting and talking to two
(03:20):
people who they were on thecouch, like a little little
couch area there, and I believethey were talking about custom
making actual suits and he waslike oh, you send me the
information that you look forthis, that and the other, and
he's it's roughly about $3,500.
And I was like I don't know ifI would pay $3,500 for one suit,
but it did have some niceclothes.
(03:42):
I didn't get a chance to gothrough and look at everything.
They particularly had some nicevests.
They did have some nice shoes.
He saw my table and he was likekind of shoes that owes.
And I told him he says I'dnever seen him with, you know
the gold tips on them, like,yeah, they nice.
So I found out they're oppositehours of operation and I'm
(04:04):
probably going to go back thereopen Tuesdays to Fridays, 10 to
six, and Saturdays I can'tremember what he said, but
they're open on Saturdays also.
So Monday and Sunday they'renot open.
Sandy (04:13):
Gotcha.
So it's funny because I wasjust thinking about obviously I
miss my dad you know, but at thesame time I'm like dang it.
I really miss having a tailorin the family.
Yeah, you take so much forgranted.
Terrance (04:29):
Yeah, now you might not, we weren't getting custom
made suits, but we were gettingsuits.
Sandy (04:34):
We could have, I guess, if we really had wanted to.
Terrance (04:36):
but I mean, but we I mean the cost on those suits.
You couldn't beat that price,just couldn't beat that price.
So earlier, before I went tothe clothing store, actually, I
had a meeting with the cyclinggroup and there are a couple of
things that we had to talk about, and one of the things that was
on the agenda was liabilityinsurance, and we started
(04:57):
talking about okay, well, wehave to figure out what some of
the terms are going to be andwhat the agreement is going to
be, and then I started thinkingabout it.
You know, there's so manythings that we do in our lives
that that could use an agreement.
Well, that you have to sign anagreement for yeah, you think
about it by a house.
(05:17):
Sign an agreement, a regularinsurance policy.
You sign an agreement creditcards Marriage certificate.
Sandy (05:24):
It's technically an agreement.
Terrance (05:26):
Well, that technically is not an agreement.
Sandy (05:29):
So there's just.
It should come with your ownrules and regulations.
Terrance (05:34):
But when you think about it, the purpose of these
agreements are to dictate.
You know the terms that eachparty has to adhere to, and so
then it hit me, I believe thatfor every relationship, you
should have a relationshipagreement.
Sandy (05:54):
I feel like it definitely makes things easier.
Just get all the stuff off theout of the way upfront, and then
there won't be anymiscommunication or, you know,
expectations not being spokenabout.
Terrance (06:09):
I think that's 100% the case.
I think the biggest challenge ispeople getting over the initial
shock of someone saying listen,I think we need to have an
agreement to set the terms ofthis relationship Because, when
you think about it, that is avery business practice and you
(06:32):
don't want to be in a situationwhere, well, I can see how
someone can be a bitapprehensive to getting involved
with someone who's looking attheir relationship from a
business perspective.
But, again, as you said earlier, when you can set those
expectations, define the terms,I think in the long run everyone
(06:55):
is happier.
Sandy (06:56):
Yeah and um, no-transcript.
I would highly recommend it forany two people who are getting
ready to move into one anotherWith one another, like it is,
you know, just part of figuringthings out.
And then you can even put inclauses Like if you don't do
(07:17):
this as part of the relationshipagreement and you're not
adhering to it, then you owe mea nightly massage.
Terrance (07:26):
Yeah, well listen, I'm gonna tell you what I would
have in my relationshipagreement and I'm gonna break it
down into categories.
And it's interesting that yousaid that, because I do think
that there are some clauses thatmay null and void the actual,
not just the agreement.
It could possibly null and voidthe actual relationship itself.
Sandy (07:48):
Yeah, but we're gonna try to stay positive.
Today Sandy's not gonna go downthat dock road.
Terrance (07:54):
We'll see how long that.
Sandy's able to do that.
We'll see All right.
So again, you know how I liketo break it.
I like to break things downinto categories and most
agreements right.
They're different sections andso if I'm gonna come up with a
relationship agreement, thereare certain things that I have
(08:14):
to cover, that I attribute to,or I would like to call the
basics Okay, and those are thethings that you know.
You gotta have something to laythe foundation for the actual
agreement and there are a fewthings that I would put in.
When I'm talking about theactual basics and seeing that
(08:35):
you were just discussingsomething with Jack's over there
, I think one of the things thatI would include in the basics
of any relationship agreement isthe pet clause.
And now let me explain to youwhat I mean when I say the pet
clause.
Sandy (08:51):
Okay.
Terrance (08:52):
A lot of times two people come together and they
have this wonderful relationshipthat they're building and they
decide they wanna add to therelationship, but they're not
ready to add children, so theyget a pet.
Sandy (09:04):
Yeah.
Terrance (09:05):
Right Now, as you go through your journey with your
partner and your pet, you canbecome very attached to said pet
, okay, and the pet can becomevery attached to you, more so to
one than the other.
Something goes wrong.
Sandy (09:28):
Yep.
Terrance (09:29):
Who gets the pet?
Sandy (09:30):
It's a tough one.
Terrance (09:32):
Not if you put it in the actual relationship
agreement.
Sandy (09:34):
I'm trying to just think for us right now, we're not
talking about us right nowbecause technically we didn't
have this agreement.
Terrance (09:41):
But I would have a pet clause that dictates what
happens with the pet shouldsomeone break the agreement, and
our relationship has to be nulland void.
That way there's no fighting.
The pet doesn't see thenegative energy between the two
(10:02):
of you because you can determinewho has it full-time, part-time
, nights and weekends.
However, you wanna actuallyslice the dice Colpet parenting.
Yeah, but depending on who theperson is, you may need to add
into that pet clause.
Sandy (10:16):
If that person is not a good pet parent.
Terrance (10:19):
You get full custody of that pet and you determine
the visitation rights.
It sounds silly but again,sometimes you have to play the
long game and think long-termand think about what's best and
think about what's best for thepet.
Sandy (10:36):
Well see, I feel like you set me up for failure.
Terrance (10:40):
How am I set you up for failure?
Sandy (10:41):
See, he's gonna go down the dark road.
You don't have to, you don'thave to.
This is your choice.
Yeah, but I'm still gonna sayit.
Yeah, cause people can be alsoreally manipulative, right?
And if the relationship fallsapart and one person wants to
really really get back at theother one, that is definitely a
(11:06):
way to do it Exactly.
Stop taking the dog.
Terrance (11:09):
And now listen, you don't wanna have to start
thinking about whether or notsomeone's gonna be manipulative
when it comes to a situationlike that, but when you start
working out worst case scenariosand this is why I think that
some people may be apprehensive,because now they think, well,
you're viewing me in the lightthat I would never put myself in
(11:30):
, but you never know- yeah right, people might see it almost
like a pre-numptual agreement.
Sandy (11:38):
Well, you know what?
And the thing about it is.
Terrance (11:41):
when I started thinking about this, the first
thing that popped in my mind wasyou know what, when you start
thinking about two peoplegetting married and whether or
not someone should have apre-numptual agreement, that
causes a lot of friction.
But I said okay, well, beforepeople get married, they're in a
relationship and now, if youcan come up with a relationship
agreement, you might not need apre-numptual agreement, because
(12:01):
now that relationship agreementcan carry over, based off how
you write it.
Sandy (12:08):
Yeah, yeah, like hey, we have this relationship agreement
.
It's not an olive voodoo nowthat we're getting married.
Terrance (12:13):
Exactly, you signed on the dotted line.
Sandy (12:18):
So I think one interesting one which I think we
would both have would be thebedtime stipulation.
Well, yeah, now see here's thething, especially when we're on
different bedtime schedule.
Terrance (12:34):
Well, so when I talk about the basics and I think
about bedtime, I don't know ifwe're thinking about the same
thing, because my rules forbedtime are very simple, and you
know that.
Don't try to talk to me and askquestions when it's time for me
to go to bed.
It has nothing to do with whenI go to bed.
When I go to bed, my mind, Iprep, I get in that bed, it
(12:55):
starts to shut down, don't?
And you do this all the time.
Well, you've been very good atit lately, but you know, every
time you slip up, don't startasking me questions that require
me to put thought or answersomething when I'm in bed.
Sandy (13:09):
Well, I wasn't even thinking about that.
I was thinking even, maybe,like bedtime, like routine, is
TV allowed during bedtime?
You know, for me it's easy tofall asleep to the TV, but other
people might not be, you know.
So, and this also kind of goesinto bedtime, but more awake
(13:31):
time, because you know, for methe bedtime yeah well, for me
the bedtime clause is you don'tlike to be spoken to at night.
I normally don't like to bespoken to first thing in the
morning.
It's like my brain just doesn'twanna do anything.
So along with that, thereshould be also a noise ordinance
.
Terrance (13:50):
That's not a bad idea.
Now, see, here's the thing now,when two things.
One again this is why I said Ithink your bedtime be different
with mine.
But second, when you starttalking about the noise
ordinance piece, you have to I'mtrying not to bleed into other
portions of this, but I'm goingto in order for the Nord's the
(14:12):
noise ordinance piece to befollowed, there has to be I'll
call them, safe spaces that cannote that under no circumstances
Can be come part of the wholeeminent domain.
There's no space that thegovernment and when I say
government I mean those peoplewho are putting the ordinances
(14:33):
in place can now say that spaceis for this.
Because think about it fromthis perspective you don't like
people talking to you firstthing in the morning and you Win
in that situation.
Because I get up so early inthe morning, You're not awake.
Sandy (14:48):
Yeah, except when I get up before you leave the house.
Terrance (14:51):
But that's well, listen, if you don't get up
before I leave the house, thenyou ain't got a job and you
ain't got nothing to do.
That's because I don't leavethe house until after six and if
you have to be the work for 830, we got a daughter who has to
be out of the house for 730.
You cutting it kind of close ifyou wait too long because now
you got to work with Dealingwith a teenager who may or may
(15:12):
not be in the mood to get readyworking from home.
Sandy (15:15):
It's fine, but you're right though, you do wake up
super early, so hence the noiseordinance for me is first thing
in the morning.
Yes, no, I get that, I'mallowed to make noise in this
house before specific no, not inthe house.
Terrance (15:29):
That's ridiculous.
This you can't say in the house.
When you start talking aboutthe noise ordinance you should
be talking about and the onlything that I will give you is in
and surrounding the room.
I don't get ready in the room.
I don't shower on that level.
I'm all down here.
Sandy (15:47):
Yeah, but I don't know the noise carries more in this
house.
Terrance (15:50):
You don't not hear me in the morning when I'm in the
shower.
Sandy (15:53):
No, not in the shower, but I do hear you often times
down here.
The only reason why down downhere.
Terrance (15:59):
Only reason why you hear me is because of Jax, and
I'll tell you what I mean.
Most of the time you're soundsleep when I get out of bed, but
then he gets out of the bed,and when he gets out of the bed
he moves you, and then you turn.
And now not necessarily.
Sandy (16:14):
I hear you walking around on the first floor.
Terrance (16:17):
So listen, if You're gonna try to say a noise
ordinance is going to restrictme from walking around, you're
not gonna, you're not gonna getby it from that, because if you
hear me walking, Honestly,during the week it's not that
big of a deal.
Sandy (16:32):
It's more of the weekend.
Terrance (16:33):
You don't hear me walking during the weekend, cuz
I'm down here.
Sandy (16:36):
Yeah Well, sometimes you decide to get started early,
whatever it is that you're gonnado for the day, because you are
up so early.
I get it, but at the same time,don't wake me up.
Terrance (16:47):
Listen, I'm gonna blow holes in what you just said.
When I get started or what I'mdoing on the weekend, typically
it's training, which is downhere on the other side.
Sandy (16:59):
There's been times where I don't make.
I hear you at like seven in themorning seven in the morning.
Terrance (17:04):
Let me tell you something first off, noise
ordinance do not exist, no no,you can cut your grass at seven
in the morning in this town.
No you know well, yes, you can.
Noise ordinance does not extendpast six, fifty nine in the
(17:25):
morning and it does not includethe ability to walk around the
house.
I'm not going to stay on noiseordinance anymore because I want
to move into that whole aspectof if, if you, if you want to
have a noise ordinance, then Ihave to invoke sanctuary, and
Sanctuary are places that once Ideem them as my sanctuary there
(17:50):
are limits for you to use forwhatever purposes you think they
should be used for.
Sandy (17:55):
So you're just gonna start taking parts of the house?
What about my parts of thehouse?
Terrance (17:58):
You got listen, give me the kitchen either.
Sandy (18:00):
I don't want the.
Terrance (18:01):
I didn't give you the kitchen, but you have the
entirety of the bedroom and thebathroom up there, do you not?
Yes, you have the entire closet.
Sandy (18:09):
You sleep in the bedroom too, hey listen.
Hey.
Terrance (18:13):
Sleep is not, sleep does not count.
I listen, I can sleep somewhereelse.
Matter of fact, maybe that'swhat I do.
Maybe I'll make somewhere elsesanctuary.
You got to be careful what yousay now.
Sandy (18:27):
I mean it's, it's not in, it's not just my space.
Terrance (18:34):
Listen, if you're going to invoke a noise
ordinance, then there arecertain areas that will be
Deemed as my sanctuary, so I canget ready and do the stuff that
I need to do without Disturbingor breaking your noise
ordinance.
That's the way it works.
Sandy (18:53):
Which is, like I said, during the work week, it's not
that big deal, no, no does bringthe thing.
That does bring up part of yousaid like the bathroom too that
I have the bathroom, buthonestly I rather you have the
bath no stairs, listen.
Terrance (19:11):
No.
Sandy (19:12):
No.
Terrance (19:14):
It's not about what you rather have the bathroom on
the floor.
Sandy (19:17):
First floor should be eminent domain.
It should be for public useonly let me tell you something.
Terrance (19:23):
Nothing in this house is for public use.
Only no one outside of thishouse pays for this mortgage.
They are, as the term says, assout no eminent domain.
On my sanctuary.
That bathroom sanctuaryDiscussion doesn't make it well.
First off you say everybodyelse like there's a thousand
(19:43):
people in there.
Sandy (19:44):
We have any company and what happens it gets cleaned
after.
Terrance (19:48):
I always clean that bathroom before the people.
Those people come over here.
Sandy (19:52):
But if we have unexpected guests, you're not going around
cleaning the bathroom every day.
Terrance (19:57):
They can go pee outside People coming over like
people come over all the timewhich they don't as a reason to
say, okay, well, you shouldn'thave access to this, to that
bathroom.
I Contribute to the mortgage,not them.
No one is going to have rightsto anything before I have rights
(20:19):
to.
So that's what it is messyspaces my bathroom is not that
messy if aila wasn't in there.
Sandy (20:27):
The issue, then to kick her out so Listen.
Terrance (20:31):
So sanctuary, when you start talking about these
agreements, you need to be ableto invoke sanctuary for
particular places, particularlyif someone has a noise ordinance
that they're trying to actuallyenforce, sandy.
Now here's another thing that Ihave to have part of the basics
(20:51):
, and this is the whole Sharingthing, and let me explain to you
what I mean by sharing.
If I open a beer, it's mine.
What makes you think you shouldhave an entitlement to the
first set?
No, as part of the agreement.
(21:12):
If you would like a sip of beer, you should open your own and
take a sip.
Sandy (21:18):
But what if you only want a sip and you don't want a
whole?
Terrance (21:20):
that sounds like a you problem and not a me problem.
This, what we're doing rightnow, is we're working.
We're working out these, thebasics of what would be part of
my relationship agreement.
Sandy (21:35):
Okay, you don't want to give me the first sip of beer
anymore.
Terrance (21:39):
It's mine.
Why should you enjoy that firstsip?
Sandy (21:43):
I'll take the second sip.
How's that?
Terrance (21:44):
No, you should get your own.
Okay, you should get your own.
Sandy (21:48):
Usually I don't like drinking a whole beer, I just
want a little bit.
Terrance (21:52):
Then what you should do is you open up a beer.
Uh-huh you pour a little in thecup, you drink it, and when you
want more, you go back to thatstale beer that you opened and
didn't finish.
Sandy (22:01):
That's just gross.
Hey, I'm just being gross.
I'm not being gross.
Terrance (22:05):
The person who's not finishing a beer is being
abusive to the beer and beinggross Don't.
I'm not gonna use the termalcohol abuse, but I'm gonna use
the term alcohol abuse.
That's alcohol abuse opening upthat beer, not finishing it.
Sandy (22:21):
So what?
Not necessarily to share or notto share, but it is in a way.
But it's more about sharingSharing meal responsibilities.
That's, I am, my relationshipagreement who's cooking and when
?
I?
Terrance (22:38):
Got no problem with that If you're talking about
who's cooking and when.
Now, when you talk aboutsharing meal responsibilities,
everyone's schedule is different.
Sandy (22:48):
Yeah.
Terrance (22:49):
So, as part of that, the responsibility of you
getting off work and leaving ontime so meals can be prepped in
the time that fits foreveryone's schedule, that's
gonna be part of my agreement.
How about them apples?
Sandy (23:02):
and dishes.
Meals and dishes that's alwaysthe biggest thing.
I feel like I spend too muchtime in the kitchen.
Announcer (23:09):
I do dishes.
Sandy (23:10):
I know you do dishes.
Terrance (23:12):
I didn't say you don't , you said you spend too much
time in the kitchen and you saidyou don't want me to give you
the kitchen.
I didn't give you the kitchen.
Why you spend so much time inthere?
Maybe that's why nobody elsegoes in there, because why?
Announcer (23:23):
you being in the kitchen.
Terrance (23:25):
You're giving off the impression that you're enforcing
eminent domain and you have thekitchen.
And let me ask you this is ittrue or not true?
In the kitchen, you want thingswhere you want them.
True there you go, and soeveryone feels that it's
off-limits, because the kitchenis your eminent domain.
Sandy (23:45):
That is not true.
Terrance (23:46):
I'm just listen, I'm just telling you how people
might feel.
Sandy (23:49):
I'm saying let's, let's up the amount of days of cooking
that I don't cook.
You ain't got a cook every day.
I keep telling you that I know,but I want people to cook for
me too.
Terrance (24:00):
All right, listen, you want people to cook for you.
I'm gonna tell you what's gonnahelp that out when the
summertime comes around, we'regonna have to get a I forgot
what it is called already.
Yeah, the grill.
That has a good look.
See, here's the thing.
What you're not realizing isthis you like shrimp, right?
(24:20):
You like tacos, you like.
There's so many things you canmake right on the actual Grittle
that you just pop it open.
You make it all at once andit's done, it's nice and it's
easy.
Sandy (24:35):
Yeah, I just don't want to just not get used.
Terrance (24:39):
What's gonna, which I mean wouldn't get used.
Sandy (24:41):
We bought that that's different, see hot and that
never gets used.
Terrance (24:46):
Well, listen, first off the insta pot there was.
We know there's a couple ofrecalls on the insta pot, so
don't bring up the insta pot.
I thought you can talk aboutthe other thing, the the thing
for the brio you got to keep inmind, because with that you have
to have, you have to build afire before you can actually do
that.
Sandy (25:03):
I know I wasn't even gonna bring that up, although I
would like more use of our pizzaoven.
You should do that more often.
Terrance (25:09):
How about you do it more often?
Sandy (25:11):
No, I like when you're, you know all right, there you go
.
So just do it more often listen.
Terrance (25:17):
We're not gonna.
This is.
This is why we don't have anagreement, because you're not
being Realistic, what you'rewants here.
Sandy (25:24):
That's not true.
I want a pizza once a week.
Terrance (25:27):
During the summer, and this one out of spring summer,
we tend to have pizza once aweek we do, but I want them in
the winter too.
Sandy (25:35):
No, that's not, I don't need them once a week.
Terrance (25:37):
And if you want pizza in the winter, if you want pizza
in the winter once a month, getout there and make it or order.
Sandy (25:43):
That's the only way you're gonna get pizza that now
listen.
Terrance (25:47):
Now we're getting sidetracked, so I'm gonna get to
make me think of another onewhat financial stuff, like who
does what?
Sandy (25:57):
that's a good one and do we?
Is there like Do you?
Well, for starters, do you haveseparate accounts?
Do you have joint accounts?
Terrance (26:04):
We're not getting into that that's.
Sandy (26:06):
But what like what's you know?
Is there like a dollarthreshold that must require a
pre authorization?
Terrance (26:17):
Well, I think you got to look at you got to look at
the relationship from theperspective of where you are.
You might not be far enoughdown the line where you're
talking about having you knowone account and, yeah, who's
responsible for all those things, so you can talk about how
who's gonna handle what from theperspective of particularly if
you're living together.
But I think the some of thatstuff depends on how far down
(26:40):
the line you are.
Yeah, I agree so Now I talkedabout I talked about the basics,
and, and now I'm gonna talkabout a category that I Labeled
immunity, and let me explain toyou what I mean by immunity.
There's gonna be certain thingsthat are going to be in this
relationship agreement that makeme immune, me well, that
(27:02):
provides me with immunity fromcertain tasks.
Sandy (27:08):
You want immunity from certain tasks.
Terrance (27:10):
Yep, and I'll give you some of those tasks.
Okay there are certain moviesthat I do not want to
participate in watching and thatneeds to be defined.
The type of movies should bedefined in that relationship
agreement.
Sandy (27:24):
So basically any.
Terrance (27:26):
I don't do rom-coms.
Yeah out of the question.
Just don't do them.
I don't do them, won't do them,will never do them.
It's a very, very raresituation where I do that.
I also don't like to watchsomething based off recommended
recommendations from people whoI Don't really know.
Sandy (27:48):
Okay.
Terrance (27:50):
Part of that is because if you don't know them,
their recommendations Can reallysuck.
Yeah, because if you don't knowthem, how do you know if you
have anything in common withthem?
Sandy (28:00):
Hmm I.
Terrance (28:02):
Like to be able to look at something and say, yeah,
that's something I'll watch,and then watch it, or nah, I'm
just not interested unless it'sa robcom and here's the other
thing about that we don't alwayshave to watch the same thing.
I should be.
I should have a certain levelof immunity From watching
(28:22):
certain things that I don't wantto watch you do.
I know I do.
I'm talking about the agreement.
Okay, I'm talking about theagreement.
You got to stay focused on whatwe're talking about here.
We're talking about arelationship agreement, not
about what I Can or can't do.
Gotcha you with me, I'm withyou.
All right.
Another area where I thinkshould be in a relationship
(28:47):
agreement if it would be in mindfor area of immunity is
Shopping.
And I'm not talking about foodshopping.
I'm talking about I don't wantto go to the mall with you.
I don't want to.
And let me rephrase that Ifyou're not a targeted shopper,
uh-uh, if you can't focus andmake decisions, I'm out.
(29:10):
I'm not shopping with you, Idon't want to shop either.
Sandy (29:15):
How are we gonna get the house shopping done?
Terrance (29:16):
Well, you just see, you're skipping over exactly
what I just said.
I said I'm not talking aboutfood shopping and stuff like
that.
You completely missed that.
Sandy (29:25):
No, you said not a targeted shopper, but you don't
have to be a targeted to shopperand to for food department
store.
Terrance (29:33):
I'm not talking about food, and that's the.
I'm talking about big boxstores.
You're not, so you're missingwhat I'm saying.
Sandy (29:39):
I want immunity from all of that.
Terrance (29:42):
You're missing what I'm saying.
Sandy (29:43):
I know I get what you're saying.
I'm changing it.
I just don't want to shop.
Don't shop.
Terrance (29:49):
We'll be all right.
We'll be all right.
I got no problem going to stopand shop.
Uh-huh, I'm not going to themall with you, I'm not going to
the stores that are in there,I'm none of that stuff.
Because if you are not atargeted shopper and you can't
make a decision, you're gonna besitting in there walking around
forever In there, done that,not doing it anymore.
Sandy (30:09):
Yeah, well, that's.
That's one of the worst I justlike.
The most, I should say, isclothes shopping.
Terrance (30:17):
I think, what you don't know, what you want.
Sandy (30:19):
You're going clothes shopping to figure out what you
want, and it's just a torturousprocess.
Terrance (30:24):
I think clothes shopping is about knowing
yourself, and here's what I mean.
When you know yourself, you goin, you look at something.
Yeah, they ain't gonna be forme.
Sandy (30:32):
No, my problem is then when I go try it on.
Doesn't look great, yeah, well,you know it's a very deflating
experience for me.
Terrance (30:43):
And I should be one thing I just like the most and
that's why I feel I should beimmune from shopping with anyone
.
Sandy (30:49):
That's why I should have custom mail, or I mean custom
mail.
Clothes and suits, so I'm gonnastart spending like 3,500 on my
clothes.
Terrance (31:01):
Listen, that fine clothes place I went to today,
man, it was, it was legit, itwas legit.
Another area that I would addinto the relationship agreement
in the sense of immunity islaundry and that's not saying I
Don't want to do laundry becausewe know I do all my own laundry
(31:22):
.
However, I Think that thereshould be some level of immunity
between two individuals whenyou start talking about laundry,
because people do thingsdifferent ways and sometimes
People may try to Launder yourclothes and they ruin them.
Sandy (31:40):
So wouldn't that just be?
The agreement is each for theirown.
You do laundry, I do mine.
Terrance (31:49):
That immunity from having to participate in the
communal laundry experience.
That is what's going in myrelationship agreement when I do
one.
That's exactly the way it'sgonna be worded.
What that means is you do yours, I do mine, the way I say.
It just comes across muchbetter no communal laundry
(32:12):
experience or responsibilities.
Okay, period period yeah youknow the other thing that Really
really I would have to stick towhen I talk about Immunity in
the relationship agreement.
There are certain people that Idon't want to have to interact
(32:34):
with or be a part of, and so I'dlike to be able to invoke
immunity based on who the personis that you're bringing around.
Sandy (32:43):
That's funny.
I feel like that should even gointo the holistic, the basics
relationship agreement.
It's how social are we Like?
How often do we have somethingin our house?
Basically, well.
Terrance (32:58):
So you know what?
Now we can go back and put thatin the basics because, again,
that when I think there's adifference between that, how
social we are, and they're gonnabe certain people who I want to
be immune from having aninteraction with, regardless of
whether or not we're having asocial event here or whatever,
we can be out Anywhere and yourun into somebody whoop immunity
(33:21):
invoke, hit the button and Ijust poof, vanish away.
Sandy (33:27):
What if they come to the house?
Are you just poof?
Terrance (33:30):
sanctuary, sanctuary, sanctuary, sanctuary.
Two words sanctuary andterritory.
There's my sanctuary, and thenis my territory.
Sandy (33:41):
Mm-hmm territory.
Terrance (33:42):
If you cross into my territory, whatever happens to
you happens to you.
Sanctuary You're not allowed.
See the territory.
I may allow you and otherpeople to come into the
territory, but they may beconsequences and repercussions.
Sanctuary not allowed, ohgoodness.
These are the things that youhave to consider when you talk
(34:07):
about the relationship agreement.
So we know the terms that eachparty has to adhere to.
Sandy (34:13):
I had a real hard time trying to figure out an immunity
, but at some point I'll thinkof one.
Terrance (34:20):
That's the beauty about the relationship agreement
.
In the relationship agreementyou can define if and when the
terms can be adjusted.
See, it's not about just sayingyou can't do this, you can't do
that.
It's a process where youcommunicate and you come up with
these agreements.
Now, some are just steadfastand can't be broken.
(34:43):
Some might have someflexibility, but that has to be
defined within the terms of theactual relationship agreement.
There is one last section that Iwould have to make sure that's
included in any relationshipagreement that I am a part of.
That is that section that hasall the non-negotiable
(35:11):
stipulations.
These are those things thatwill null and void the
relationship, never mind theactual agreement.
Non-negotiable stipulations.
Any deviation from these areconsidered breach of contract,
breach of rental agreement,relationship null and void.
(35:33):
Let me tell you one of thethings that need to be discussed
when we start talking aboutthese non-negotiable
stipulations snacking.
I'm going to tell you snacking.
Listen, if I take the time toput a snack together for myself,
don't go eat my snack.
(35:53):
Now.
I might give you one or twopieces of my snack, but when you
take your hand and you do thescoop, you put it in a bowl and
you do the scoop.
I'm trying to think of when thisrecently occurred, because
Listen your problem is you'reonly thinking about what may or
may not have happened.
(36:14):
We're talking about arelationship agreement and what
I would actually have in theagreement.
We don't have a relationshipagreement.
Sandy (36:21):
I know.
So you've got to think aboutfrom this perspective.
Yeah, I'm just thinkinganything from the perspective of
if we were to create one today,I don't know how this snacking
would apply, but okay, all right.
So it's kind of like share ornot share.
But you also don't want grubbyhands in your bowl.
I get it.
Terrance (36:40):
It's not about the grubby hands.
It's about, okay, you have theopportunity to go and actually
make yourself a snack.
It's not about sharing becausethis is my snack.
It needs to be thought of.
If you're going to go ahead andyou're going to eat my snack,
that might be non-negotiable,that might be breach contract,
(37:03):
depending on what the snack is.
It all depends on and I knowyou can look at it and say, well
, the share or not share.
When I was talking about theshare or not share, I'm
specifically talking about mybeer that you always be trying
to take a sip of.
Sandy (37:15):
I do.
But yeah, the non-negotiablewould be a particular fine
dessert that I like.
Terrance (37:25):
I don't want nobody touching it.
There's exactly so.
Announcer (37:29):
When we talk about the considerations there are
certain snacks.
Terrance (37:32):
I don't care if you put your hand in there and have
some, but then there are otherones.
Nah, you got to go get your own.
This is mine.
I put a lot of time inpreparing this, even if it's
going upstairs, open up thepackage and then take it out of
the package.
There's a lot of time.
My time is money.
Don't do it.
Another aspect of, or anotherthing that I would say is
(37:56):
non-negotiable is rights to theremote control.
Sandy (38:01):
I feel like that one's been in our relationships since
day one.
Terrance (38:05):
I've owned the remote control.
Part of that is because if youaren't up to the technical
specifications on what it takesto change and turn on, then you
shouldn't have any rights to theremote control.
You can't come into a room,take the remote control and try
(38:27):
to change the channel or app,because now everything is
streaming.
Now that's non-negotiable.
That might be cause for breachof the actual relationship
agreement.
The relationship may have toend after that, depending on
what it is that's on thetelevision.
Sandy (38:46):
I don't know if it would be the non-negotiable items, but
I think it would be importantwho drives how often when we're
together.
Terrance (38:57):
We may have to have that conversation.
Well, I can fit that into mynon-negotiable Long distance
drives.
It's non-negotiable I'm goingto have to drive if your driving
skills ain't up to par.
Sandy (39:11):
What would we consider a long distance?
Terrance (39:13):
Listen, anything over two hours, anything over two
hours, is considered a longdistance.
I might be able to get awaywith three to four hours,
depending on what the traffic islike and things like that.
But if I got to grab the oldJesus handle every time you take
a turn, or if I got to put myhands on the dashboard every
time we come into a stoplight, Idon't like putting my life in
(39:37):
danger like that and that's alot of stress.
Sandy (39:41):
Along with the traveling one.
I'm surprised if you wouldn'tsay this, but AIS like
non-negotiable no because thatdoesn't apply just to who you're
in a relationship with.
We cannot ever be more than ona 10 minute delay going to any
(40:04):
of those events.
Terrance (40:05):
Well, that's the thing With AIS.
It doesn't make a difference.
If you're 10 minutes becausethat's going to be 10 minutes
you're going to have to catch upto the car.
Ais means ass in seat, and ifyou're not in that seat, the car
is pulling off and you're goingto have to play catch up.
The thing about that, too, is,I mean, there's more than one
vehicle, so you can always getin another vehicle and make your
(40:26):
way to wherever it is that thedestination is.
Sandy (40:32):
So one I think that we would agree on is smoking.
I don't like it.
I don't like the smell of it, Idon't want it in my house.
That would be.
Terrance (40:46):
Smoking is definitely non-negotiable.
Listen, first off, there is norelationship agreement if you
smoke, because there's norelationship.
From my perspective, if yousmoke, there ain't no
relationship.
Sandy (40:59):
All right.
So if I want to casually end arelationship, I'm going to do
Start smoking Start smoking.
Terrance (41:06):
Pick up a butt I'm out .
That is one sure-fire way toend a relationship with me.
Start smoking, I'm out.
I love you, but I don't Notanymore.
Sandy (41:19):
I love you, but not that.
So you got to pick one or theother.
Terrance (41:22):
Yeah, so when you start talking about all the
things that you have to do inyour life, all those major
things, they all require someform of agreement.
Again, like I said, you got tobuy a house.
There's a ton of agreements.
You got to actually sign Creditcard agreements, all of these
(41:45):
things you have to sign.
Everything has a term and acondition, An agreement yes, and
these terms and conditionsdictate what each party, what
their responsibility is when itcomes to that actual agreement.
What I am saying is we shouldhave a relationship agreement
(42:08):
for every relationship that youend that you're in that dictates
those terms, so you know whichparty is responsible for what
and who gets what in the eventthat a situation arises.
With that said, thank you forjoining us on the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
(42:30):
podcasting app.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (42:39):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
tiktok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
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