May 11, 2024 • 32 mins
Are lifelong vows in marriage a one-size-fits-all solution, or could it be time for a marital revolution? Sandy and I embark on an unguarded journey through the complexities of matrimony, questioning the conventional 'till death do us part' adage that has anchored the institution for centuries. Our candid discussion on term marriages investigates whether a set duration for marital bonds might just be the refurbishment needed for modern relationships, offering couples the chance to renew or respectfully part ways as they evolve.
Imagine marriage as a service contract, complete with renewal options - how would that reshape our approach to commitment and the societal views on being single or divorced? We dive into the mechanics of term-limited marriages, pondering if this could be the antidote to the stigma of separation and how it might transform the emotional toll of divorce. This provocative conversation examines if such flexibility could encourage couples to invest more purposefully in their relationships, with the understanding that an assessment point is on the horizon.
Wrapping up this thought-provoking episode, we navigate the practical and emotional landscapes of term marriages, from the impact on children and pets to the potential advantages of pre-agreed separation terms. This dialogue invites you to challenge traditional paradigms and consider if a term framework could lead to more intentional partnership investments, fostering happiness and growth that last far beyond the terms of a marriage contract. Join us as we unravel whether term marriages could hold the key to evolving the concept of lifelong partnership in today's dynamic world.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:00):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer insight
from the perspective of amarried couple.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:53):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:54):
And today I want to introduce a concept that I
thought that I came up with, butafter some research I found
that somebody else had talkedabout it before, and that is the
concept of a term marriage.
That somebody else had talkedabout it before and that is the
concept of a term marriage.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow the
lunch with sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also, make sure you go aheadand follow us on all social
(01:16):
media at lunch with sandy sandy.
Why are you looking at me likethat?
Sandy (01:21):
how am I looking at you?
Terrance (01:24):
you're looking at me like I don't know.
You got something to say, butyou don't know what it is oh no,
my leg hurts.
Sandy (01:31):
I don't know.
Back-to-back weeks of overseven miles.
Terrance (01:36):
I guess you're getting old, I don't think you should
be running seven miles.
Listen, not everybody can bevintage like me.
Not everybody can age like afine wine like me.
Sandy (01:47):
You don't even like wine.
You're not a fine wine.
Terrance (01:49):
I didn't say drinking fine wine, I said age like a
fine wine, you have to drink thewine to age like a fine wine.
No, that's not true.
Sandy (01:57):
That's true.
Terrance (01:58):
You have to drink the wine to be a wino.
Nope, nope, because you needthat alcohol content so you can
get alcohol content from manyother things other than wine,
and I don't want to go too farleft with your conversation just
look, you cannot be like me,and always you're over there.
(02:19):
You're breaking down stoprunning seven miles if it's
gonna put you in the positionthat you're in right now.
I don't like the way you'relooking at me.
I don't know well, you shouldn't, at this point, looking at you
but you start talking about yourleg hurting and all this other
stuff anyway, sounds like you'remaking fun of my medical
(02:42):
condition I don't know whatmedical condition you have.
Sandy (02:46):
My compartment syndrome.
That's why my leg hurts.
Terrance (02:48):
I'm not making fun of anyone's medical condition and
at this point we're just goingto move on.
We're not even going to askSandy how she's doing anymore.
We know that she's ailing,she's old and she's falling
apart.
Yep See, this is a perfectexample of how marriage is a
beautiful thing.
We talk about it all the time,but as much as as bickering.
Sandy (03:14):
Well, I mean, listen, that wasn't bickering that was
banter.
Terrance (03:17):
There's a big difference.
Okay, that was banter, back andforth.
Now there are a lot ofsituations or a lot of marriages
that are in situations wherepeople do a lot of bickering and
that bickering can lead todivorce.
Sandy (03:31):
Yep.
Terrance (03:31):
Did you know that in the United States the divorce
rate is around 50%?
Sandy (03:36):
Yeah.
Terrance (03:37):
That is crazy.
That's like flipping a coinwhen you get married.
While you walk up there, youflip that coin.
We're going to make it or we'renot gonna make it that's
essentially what it is heads andtails heads.
We keep it going tails.
We don't.
Now, you know, traditionallyand I know that from your
perspective and your religionyou know your idea of marriage
(03:59):
is a very traditional uh ideabehind marriage.
But traditionally marriage is alifelong commitment.
So all these people out thereflipping the coin and it's going
tails, they're not followingalong or they're not going down
that path of that lifelongcommitment.
Sandy (04:20):
Or they just decide to yeah, just find a new one.
Well, I mean listen.
Terrance (04:24):
so it's funny because you know, as part of your vows
you know you say until death, dous part, and that is supposed
to reaffirm that commitment.
Sandy (04:37):
I wonder if all marriage vows do that.
Terrance (04:40):
So we're going to get into that for a second, but let
me ask you this I already knowyour answer to this.
Sandy (04:56):
You follow the path of someone who is going down the
traditional marriage route.
Terrance (05:02):
So how do you think you avoid the pitfalls of not
being in a situation where it'snot until death.
Do you part?
Sandy (05:12):
Just don't get married, then you're not saying any vows.
Terrance (05:16):
Well, see, now I, in my infinite wisdom, have come up
with an alternative.
Sandy (05:22):
Okay.
Terrance (05:24):
So this is the time of year where we're getting close
to the end of our fiscal and aswe get close to the end of the
fiscal, there are a lot ofcontracts that we have to renew
for a number of different thingswarranty, support services and
all of those things.
And I got the thinking what ifmarriage was termed Two people
(05:48):
come together?
Because, think about it, whenit comes down to it, marriage
can be boiled down to its bareessentials as a contract between
two people.
There's legal aspects to itFrom the perspective of
ramifications.
If you decide to do somethingyou ain't supposed to do and you
know now, you got to go throughthat whole process of getting
(06:09):
out with it.
But if it was a term, whathappens is at the end of that
term, like all the contractsthat we're currently renewing,
we look back at that service andwe decide is service well, is
this?
Well, listen, I'm not talkingabout servicing nobody over here
, I'm talking about at somepoint, before you renew that
(06:33):
contract, you look back and seeif the value is actually worth
it for that actual contract it'salmost like a prenup with a
probationary well.
So listen what I'm what I'mtrying to say is most contracts
have a term limit, yeah, and youmay get into a contract and be
extremely happy with it and youplan on renewing over and, over
(06:55):
and over.
But you may get into a contractand after a year, realize that
the service sucks, and if that'sthe case, you're not going to
actually renew it.
So do you think that there aresome people out there who would
consider a term agreement whenit comes to marriage for a
(07:16):
certain number of years?
Sandy (07:18):
Yeah, well, I guess, why not right?
If you guys can just sit down,what?
Terrance (07:22):
do you mean you guys?
Sandy (07:23):
If you guys can just sit down, what do you mean, you guys
?
What I mean?
The people who apparently would, you know, be the proponent of
a term contract.
Not you specifically, but youknow.
Imagine this you know, in RhodeIsland, if it's not me, it's
you guys.
Terrance (07:44):
Imagine this you walk up to the altar and instead of
saying until death, do us part,you say until 2027.
Upon which date we will decidewhether or not we will renew our
vows.
Here's the thing.
You know how you're alwaystalking about.
Sandy (08:03):
Every time you renew your vows Exactly Now.
Terrance (08:07):
It may get a little expensive, depending on who's
paying for it.
Sandy (08:09):
Well, you don't have to have a huge party.
Terrance (08:11):
It can just be a party .
You always talk about.
You want to renew your vows.
Sandy (08:16):
Well, that's because you know, the wedding day just goes
by so fast that Well, it goes byso fast and it costs a lot of
money.
Terrance (08:22):
Anyway, I think that.
I think obviously there's somelogistics that you know you got
to get to, but we're going toget into that in a minute.
Sandy (08:30):
But yeah, I think if you can sit down rationally and talk
about things in advance andthen just say, okay, in five
years we're going to reassessthe situation.
Terrance (08:41):
I think that there are certain people who would jump
at that opportunity, right.
And again, I think there's somethings that you have to
consider.
But when you look at it, I sayI was saying this the other day
life's about options, right.
One of the things that, as youstart to mature into an adult,
you start to think about is,once you get a family and things
going, you start to think aboutinsurance life insurance, right
(09:02):
, and what types of lifeinsurance?
What are the two primary typesof life insurance that are out
there?
Sandy (09:08):
Yeah, there's life, whole life Term.
Terrance (09:11):
And term life.
So why can't there be two typesof marriages out there?
Sandy (09:15):
Whole life.
Terrance (09:16):
Whole life and term life and term life.
So look, when I think aboutthis concept and you know it's
funny because, like I said, Ihad this idea and I was like, oh
, I don't think anyone else hasthought about this, and I did
some research and there were twopeople who actually had, at
least online, wrote somethingabout the idea of a term
(09:39):
marriage I think that there'ssome benefits that can come out
of a term marriage and I thinkthe first, I think the biggest
actually is I think a termmarriage could decrease the the
impact of divorce and the stigmathat it actually brings.
(10:00):
And I'll tell you why In manycases, right, two people, they
go, they get married.
It don't work out, they getdivorced.
Now they're divorcees, is itnot true?
They got that label that's onthem.
Sandy (10:18):
Yeah.
Terrance (10:19):
And when you say, oh, I'm divorced, people might not
say it out loud, but they startto think, oh well, what'd you do
?
Or what happened?
Yeah, there is a negativeconnotation when you start
talking about divorce.
Now think about it from thisperspective If I say I do until
2026.
Sandy (10:38):
Yeah.
Terrance (10:39):
And I live out that.
You know we work out throughthat term and there's an
expiration date.
Sandy (10:45):
Single again.
Huh, I said, do you just so,instead of saying divorcee, are
you just single again?
Terrance (10:51):
I'm single.
The contract ran out.
We didn't renew.
Sandy (10:57):
Listen, I was recently in a term marriage, but we decided
to not renew that contract.
Terrance (11:03):
If there's a predetermined point and you get
the opportunity to review therelationship right and you
understand that things evolveand things change over time, If
those changes don't fit who youare or they don't fit you know
the construct of therelationship, again you just
agree to go your separate waysand it's not.
(11:25):
It's not really a divorcebecause, again, we got married
until this date and once thatdate comes it dissolves.
Now I get it there's.
I know it's simpler than that,but from the perspective of that
impact of saying, oh, I'mdivorced, you just say, nah, I'm
saying, oh, I'm divorced, youjust say, now I'm free, I'm
single again yeah, well, itmakes me think about, you know,
(11:45):
even with employers having ayear-end performance review.
Sandy (11:50):
So instead of a year-end performance review, it's a end
of contract performance review.
Terrance (11:57):
now you coming around because you have to have that
end of I'm trying to.
I got to come up with a termfor it that it's your current
relationship score.
If your current relationshipscore does not reach a
particular level that theparties agree upon beforehand,
(12:21):
that opens the door to end therelationship.
Now you can obviously decidewhether or not you want to
continue with it with within, tocontinue with the marriage, but
if your scores ain't cutting it, you don't pass maybe there's
language that says, if the scoredoesn't cut it, you, you don't
go a full five, 10 years orsomething.
(12:42):
Now we're going to get into wecan talk about some of the
details that you have to thinkabout.
Sandy (12:48):
But I think one of the benefits is is right when
emotion gets involved is usuallywhere it gets a little dicey.
Terrance (12:56):
This will reduce emotion.
Sandy (12:57):
Right.
So if you're working out thisterm contract, you know you're
taking the emotion out becauseboth parties are content at that
moment in time and you knownobody's trying to.
Terrance (13:10):
You know when you know that there is a upset at the
other one when you know thatthere is an end date or an
expiration date on your, on yourrelationship, on your marriage,
and you know that the servicejust ain't there.
It is a.
It is a relief, it's an, it's amost.
It removes any emotional burden.
It's a relief because now youknow, okay, well, this thing
(13:31):
that I'm in sucks, but guesswhat?
It's coming to an end so it's.
Sandy (13:37):
It's funny because it does make me think.
Would it actually cause peopleto, you know, not renew their
term?
Like hey, this is not workingout, where maybe some people
tend to stay together longer inmarriages, thinking that like,
okay, well, we're going toreally work harder and
(14:00):
everything for it, but knowingto the point that like listen,
this contract is over in fiveyears, like we already made that
decision, like there's no pointin trying to renew this?
Terrance (14:11):
Well, I think it depends on a big part of it does
depend on how the relationshipis Right.
You know for a fact that thereare people who try to make a
relationship work for whether itbe for societal reasons,
whether it be from pressure fromfrom family or peers, and so
they put in this effort to tryto actually make it work.
When they're not doing itbecause the relationship score
(14:34):
has reached the number that itshould have reached, they're
doing it because there's outsidepressure.
Now, when you're in thissituation where you know that
there is actually an end dateand again you're in a situation
that is just not working for you, it can be a relief because now
you know hey, listen.
Sandy (14:53):
Like right, I'm out.
Terrance (14:54):
I'm out on this date, it's done and the thing about
that is it can make it moreamicable for both parties,
because you both know that thisdate is actually coming up.
Sandy (15:07):
Yeah.
Terrance (15:08):
And you don't have to go through that emotional stress
like you would if there wasactually a divorce.
When you're in a situation andyou're in a traditional marriage
and you get a divorce, nobodyplans for the divorce.
You don't go in and say when weget divorced, it's this.
However, when you start talkingabout a term marriage, now
(15:29):
there's things that you actuallyhave to consider and we'll talk
about you know some of thosethings in a minute, but the
other thing that this actuallydoes for you is it does give you
a lot of flexibility, right?
So when I say flexibility, Imean you always have the
opportunity to reassess andrenegotiate once that term
(15:51):
actually comes up.
Let's say, you want to actuallycontinue once your expiration
date comes up, but there arecertain things that you feel
just weren't right or certainareas where someone needs to
work to get that score up.
Sandy (16:07):
Yeah.
Terrance (16:07):
Go to the negotiating table.
Sandy (16:10):
Or it sounded like a good idea when you thought of it,
and maybe it's not practical.
Terrance (16:15):
Yeah, I mean, if you're satisfied at the end of
the term, you can keep going.
Sandy (16:20):
It kind of makes me think of, like the Big Bang Theory
and the Roommate agreement Ifyou're satisfied at the end of
the term, you can keep going.
Terrance (16:25):
Kind of makes me think of like the Big Bang Theory and
the roommate agreement.
I believe he also did have agirlfriend agreement too.
I think he did.
Sandy (16:31):
But yeah, well, honestly, I think any agreement is not a
bad idea, because it really hasyou thinking about things in
advance of that's a greatexample, because you know what,
when you get all lovey-dovey andget married, you don't think
about a lot of things.
Announcer (16:48):
Well.
Terrance (16:48):
I don't want to say you don't think about a lot of
things, you don't plan for a lotof things.
Sandy (16:53):
Right, all the things we plan for in life.
Yeah, it's not one of thosethings that we do plan for you
think about it.
We do trusts, we do wills, like.
There's so many other type ofagreements and legal documents
that we put together that, yeah,marriage is not even one of
(17:14):
them, which should be like oneof the most important ones.
Terrance (17:17):
Yeah, and I think that you touched on it earlier.
When you have see, I'm bringingyou over.
It's funny because I'll be atwork and I have all these ideas
and these ideas.
Some of them are moneymakers,but people don't want to get on
board, they don't, they're shyabout pulling the trigger.
Term marriages I'm going totell you right now they're going
(17:37):
to start taking off.
People are going to hear this.
They're going to, they're gonnastart taking off.
Now, again, there has to be alot more planning when you talk
about a term marriage because,again, if you already know that
there's an expiration date, yougot to start planning for that
expiration date do you have likean executor, like you do for a
while, like a third party tojust handle everything, so you
(17:59):
don't even have to communicate?
with one another if you don'twant to, and so I'm not going to
pretend like there are not somechallenges, right, but again, I
look at every challenge as anactual opportunity.
So what type of challenges?
And you started to mention oneor two of them, but what type of
(18:19):
challenges do you think thatyou would have if you know, you
decided to adopt this concept ofterm marriage?
Sandy (18:29):
Well, I think the biggest challenge is, honestly, if you
end up having kids in that first, you know, so maybe that's part
of the agreement is that youshouldn't have kids before the
first renewal period.
Terrance (18:43):
Here's the thing you brought up a very, very good
point, and what I would say is Iwould say that you have to talk
about your actual plan, and youwould not just talking about
the actual plan but actuallyplanning, because, again, how
long is the term that I'mcommitted to?
(19:04):
And during that initial term,have we had the conversation
about children?
And, additionally, even if youhaven't had the conversation
about children, you have to planfor what happens if Because,
when I look at it, I do say,well, the biggest challenge
(19:25):
would be would be children, butat the same time, people get
married all the time and theydon't stay together, yeah, they
get divorced and they actuallyhave children.
Sandy (19:35):
It's not like it's not doable, but I think it's just
easier so that you're not goingthrough like any kind of custody
situation if you have it ironedout already in advance, you
know.
Terrance (19:47):
Yeah, and I think that the other part about it too is
you know, you always have toconsider the impact on the
children.
And that's not just for a termmarriage, because when you think
about it you know what adivorce is.
It's just a traditionalmarriage that was forced to be
termed.
I mean, think about it.
(20:08):
It's not termed for one reasonor another, it's a unplanned
termed marriage, and so when youstart thinking about the impact
that it can have on the kids,you know it's really the same
thing, I think.
From the perspective of if asplit is amicable, I think it's
a little easier on the childrenbecause now it's amicable, they
(20:29):
don't see any of the vitriolthat might be spewed between the
two parties.
But that would be a challengewhen you start considering.
Sandy (20:40):
I think it's a challenge and a benefit, because I feel
like with the unplanned term ofthe marriage there tends to be
less amicability, especially ohyeah, well, you know especially
if it's one party more than theother that wishes to term the
marriage.
You know what I mean if theyboth realize that it's it's the
(21:01):
best thing to do.
I know I I've seen plenty ofyou know marriages that way, but
I can't say that it's what I'veseen as the majority.
Announcer (21:12):
Yeah.
Sandy (21:13):
I feel like the majority is the other, where it's not so
pretty and nice and easy.
Terrance (21:21):
Yeah.
So one of the things that Ialways think about is, again,
there are so many people whodecide to get divorced, and
whether or not you're in asituation where you're in a term
marriage, where you can decidewhether or not you want to
renegotiate or renew a contract,and you're at the table, or you
both say, hey, listen, thisisn't working out, and you walk
(21:42):
away, you know on your own terms, I still think that that's
better than just coming up andsaying, ah, you know what I'm
out.
Sandy (21:52):
So, and then I would say too, with the kids, there's also
the pets.
Well, again who gets Jack?
Terrance (21:59):
This gives you the opportunity to plan for those
things, I think that would notbe a pretty fight on who gets
Jack.
I don't think that there's achoice.
I think Jack's is walking outthe door with me.
Sandy (22:08):
Yeah, no, I don't think that there's a choice.
Terrance (22:09):
I think Jax is walking out the door with me, yeah, no,
I don't think so, as he'slooking at me right now.
Sandy (22:12):
As he's looking at you and as he was waking me up this
morning.
Terrance (22:16):
I think another challenge that would be
secondary to the impact on kidsand I only say secondary because
if you have kids then youreally got to be careful with
that and that is Because youhave that third person to really
think about.
Yeah, and that is the whole thecommitment aspect of it.
(22:37):
Yeah, now if you're in asituation where you say, okay,
well, you know what I do until2027.
Are you looking to the futureand saying I'm only doing this
for this many years and you'renot really buying into the
concept of a term marriage fromthe perspective of, ok, well,
(22:59):
we're in love, we want to dothis, but we know that things
change.
So let's commit to this amountof time and you know if it works
.
Great.
If there's some things that wehave to work on, we can bring
those to the, to the negotiatingtable and move on.
Or you just say, yeah, you knowwhat, I'm married, but in three
years a brother's out well,maybe that's something that you
(23:23):
stipulate in the contract is allthe the renewal periods well, I
mean, here's the thing you know.
Sandy (23:32):
You can't put that in the contract, because the contract
is only for a set period of timeyeah, but if you choose to
renew, like these are youroptions for renewal in the
future, like first ones in fiveyears, then it's 10, then
another 10 yeah, but after the,after the first one, you just
don't renew when you're out yeahbut I don't know, like now.
Terrance (23:52):
Here's the thing a term marriage doesn't stop you
from it.
It should decrease the chancesof divorce, but it's not going
to stop someone getting divorced.
I don't know particularly, youmight be in a situation where
let's say lack of commitment I'msaying, yeah, lack of equipment
.
A it's just one of those thingswhere someone is vibing with
someone, yeah, At the time whenthey enter into this agreement,
(24:16):
and you know they're enteringinto the agreement with the
understanding that you know whatI'm going to do this, because
you know he or she wants to dothis, but you know it's only for
this amount of time.
So after this time, yeah, I'llbe out and that, and in those
situations they may not bewilling to work through any
(24:37):
small issues that actually maycome up, because they know that
there's an expiration date right?
Sandy (24:43):
well, honestly, yeah, so for me I wouldn't get too
emotionally invested in therelationship.
Ah see, now, you're not buyinginto the true concept of a term
marriage.
Yeah, well, that's just how Iwould, because I don't want to
get my feelings hurt.
Well, here's the thing.
Terrance (25:02):
At the end.
See now.
What I'm learning is this youhave to be a very self-confident
, self-confident, mature personto enter into a term marriage.
Sandy (25:14):
So are you calling me not self-confident or not mature?
No, no, no, no, no.
Terrance (25:17):
Here's what I mean by this.
When I talk about this term,I'm talking about it from the
perspective of okay, we seewhat's happening with marriages
throughout this country.
We see that they're failing ata very, very high rate.
Now we would all like to saythat we're actually different.
But what if we're not?
(25:39):
So let's go into this and sayhere's what we're going to do.
We want to be committed to eachother, we want to spend the
rest of our lives with eachother, but let's block this
amount of time out and say weare going to commit to be
married for this period of timeand hopefully it's all that it's
all cracked up to be.
We can work through things andall this other stuff, but if
(26:01):
it's not and we're just likeeverybody else, we walk away.
Sandy (26:06):
Well, I guess we would need a case study for the first
one, to figure out how it works.
Terrance (26:11):
You don't need no case study.
It's all based on listen.
It's really, it's a termed.
Marriage is not a get out ofjail free card.
You can't look at it that way.
I mean, eventually it is, butit's not something where you're
going to say, hey, listen, I'monly doing this, although people
(26:31):
will, because I know I'm goingto get out of it.
It's one of those things whereyou're saying I love this person
, but I know that this personmight change.
I might change the environment,environmental factors around us
might change, work might changeand it might drive us apart.
Those are all questions that wedon't know.
So let's prepare for that bysaying let's do this for this
(26:54):
many years and hopefully we canrenew and renew, and renew and
renew.
But let's do this for this manyyears and let's hope that these
are the best three years thatwe've ever had, and then, when
it comes up, boom, we do itagain, and then we do it again.
That's the concept.
It's not ah, you know what?
I'm going to get married forthree years and be out.
(27:15):
It's really looking at makingsure that one, two people who
are getting married really knowand understand each other and
they have the time to say, okay,well, we're going to give this
a real shot and if it doesn'twork, then at that renewal
period we walk away and you planfor it by making sure that when
(27:37):
you get involved in this,knowing that there's an end date
, you do all the necessarythings.
You know whether it be and thisis this is this is a challenge
too, because you've got to thinkabout this stuff up front.
All the legal complexities thatyou have to be concerned with,
all the financial complexitiesthat you would have to be
(27:58):
concerned with during a divorce,you plan for that prior to
getting into the actual termmarriage.
You've got to actually plan forthat.
Sandy (28:08):
End of term party.
Terrance (28:10):
There you go.
End of term party.
You know what I plan for that?
End of term party.
Yeah, you got to end the termparty.
You know what I mean?
See, now you're living it up.
Sandy (28:14):
One last hurrah altogether before the term ends.
Terrance (28:19):
Yeah.
So I say all that and thatleads me to one final challenge
that I think that has to beconsidered, and that is
differing expectations betweentwo people, right?
So I see, when I talk aboutthis concept, the concept that
I'm coming up with, it's not somuch where, hey, I'm going to
(28:39):
get married for three years andbe out, it's okay.
Well, I understand that arelationship is all about work.
I understand that I can'tchange people, but I do
understand that as human beings,as individuals, as couples, we
grow and evolve and somethingmight cause us to actually grow
apart.
And I'm going to put in all thework to keep us together If the
(29:03):
other person is going to put inthe work, or maybe they won't
put in the work, but at the endof the day, when we get to that
renewal period and we look atthe relationship score, if it's
not where it needs to be, we gotthe decision to actually be out
.
Now, if I'm thinking that wayand you're thinking, nah, I'm
just doing this bid.
I'm just, I'm going to do this,I'm going to do this quick bid
(29:25):
and then I'm going to be out.
Yeah, then you know that's achallenge, because now that
person's not looking at it.
You're looking at the conceptof a term marriage the same way
as you are, and they're only init just because they want to do
their bucket list two, threeyears exactly, or or their
bucket list I want to getmarried and then be out.
Sandy (29:46):
I well, I think you have to require marriage counseling.
Terrance (29:54):
That's not a bad idea.
Sandy (29:56):
Before the term ceases and you have to have
conversations like six to 12months in advance Like a
progress report.
Terrance (30:08):
Well, I think the first thing is when you your
term shouldn't be a year.
No, I think the initial termshould be three to five years.
Sandy (30:17):
Should be like progress reports along the way, to make
sure that you're still seeingeye to eye.
Terrance (30:22):
Listen, I'm all about it.
You got to start working onthese things.
Sandy (30:25):
Like a report card and just find out if you actually
pass to the next level.
Terrance (30:30):
Well, I think that all those things actually make
sense.
I think that in order to be inthe term marriage, you have to
start thinking about all thosethings.
I do think that you know thisconcept would change the way
that people actually think aboutmarriage Right.
People actually think aboutmarriage Right and I think that
in many cases people would putmore thought into okay, what are
(30:54):
the what ifs?
Sandy (30:55):
Yeah, how many times did you go to bed?
Man at each other.
You have to reduce your totalscore by that many.
Terrance (31:01):
Oh goodness, all right , we're going to wrap this up
because we can go on.
What ifs?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, we can go on all day withall of those things.
So, essentially, the key tosuccess in any relationship lies
in the ability to prioritizethe wellbeing and happiness of
both parties involved.
It requires communication,honesty, fostering that
(31:24):
connection and the continualnurturing of each relationship
over time, whether it betraditional or a term marriage.
Marriage takes work.
The goal is to promote healthy,fulfilling relationships based
on mutual respect, communicationand shared understanding, and
(31:45):
if you can accomplish this, yourunion has the potential to last
a very, very long time.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app, as well associal media, at Lunch with
Sandy.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (32:06):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer insight
from the perspective of amarried couple.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:53):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:54):
And today I want to introduce a concept that I
thought that I came up with, butafter some research I found
that somebody else had talkedabout it before, and that is the
concept of a term marriage.
That somebody else had talkedabout it before and that is the
concept of a term marriage.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow the
lunch with sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also, make sure you go aheadand follow us on all social
(01:16):
media at lunch with sandy sandy.
Why are you looking at me likethat?
Sandy (01:21):
how am I looking at you?
Terrance (01:24):
you're looking at me like I don't know.
You got something to say, butyou don't know what it is oh no,
my leg hurts.
Sandy (01:31):
I don't know.
Back-to-back weeks of overseven miles.
Terrance (01:36):
I guess you're getting old, I don't think you should
be running seven miles.
Listen, not everybody can bevintage like me.
Not everybody can age like afine wine like me.
Sandy (01:47):
You don't even like wine.
You're not a fine wine.
Terrance (01:49):
I didn't say drinking fine wine, I said age like a
fine wine, you have to drink thewine to age like a fine wine.
No, that's not true.
Sandy (01:57):
That's true.
Terrance (01:58):
You have to drink the wine to be a wino.
Nope, nope, because you needthat alcohol content so you can
get alcohol content from manyother things other than wine,
and I don't want to go too farleft with your conversation just
look, you cannot be like me,and always you're over there.
(02:19):
You're breaking down stoprunning seven miles if it's
gonna put you in the positionthat you're in right now.
I don't like the way you'relooking at me.
I don't know well, you shouldn't, at this point, looking at you
but you start talking about yourleg hurting and all this other
stuff anyway, sounds like you'remaking fun of my medical
(02:42):
condition I don't know whatmedical condition you have.
Sandy (02:46):
My compartment syndrome.
That's why my leg hurts.
Terrance (02:48):
I'm not making fun of anyone's medical condition and
at this point we're just goingto move on.
We're not even going to askSandy how she's doing anymore.
We know that she's ailing,she's old and she's falling
apart.
Yep See, this is a perfectexample of how marriage is a
beautiful thing.
We talk about it all the time,but as much as as bickering.
Sandy (03:14):
Well, I mean, listen, that wasn't bickering that was
banter.
Terrance (03:17):
There's a big difference.
Okay, that was banter, back andforth.
Now there are a lot ofsituations or a lot of marriages
that are in situations wherepeople do a lot of bickering and
that bickering can lead todivorce.
Sandy (03:31):
Yep.
Terrance (03:31):
Did you know that in the United States the divorce
rate is around 50%?
Sandy (03:36):
Yeah.
Terrance (03:37):
That is crazy.
That's like flipping a coinwhen you get married.
While you walk up there, youflip that coin.
We're going to make it or we'renot gonna make it that's
essentially what it is heads andtails heads.
We keep it going tails.
We don't.
Now, you know, traditionallyand I know that from your
perspective and your religionyou know your idea of marriage
(03:59):
is a very traditional uh ideabehind marriage.
But traditionally marriage is alifelong commitment.
So all these people out thereflipping the coin and it's going
tails, they're not followingalong or they're not going down
that path of that lifelongcommitment.
Sandy (04:20):
Or they just decide to yeah, just find a new one.
Well, I mean listen.
Terrance (04:24):
so it's funny because you know, as part of your vows
you know you say until death, dous part, and that is supposed
to reaffirm that commitment.
Sandy (04:37):
I wonder if all marriage vows do that.
Terrance (04:40):
So we're going to get into that for a second, but let
me ask you this I already knowyour answer to this.
Sandy (04:56):
You follow the path of someone who is going down the
traditional marriage route.
Terrance (05:02):
So how do you think you avoid the pitfalls of not
being in a situation where it'snot until death.
Do you part?
Sandy (05:12):
Just don't get married, then you're not saying any vows.
Terrance (05:16):
Well, see, now I, in my infinite wisdom, have come up
with an alternative.
Sandy (05:22):
Okay.
Terrance (05:24):
So this is the time of year where we're getting close
to the end of our fiscal and aswe get close to the end of the
fiscal, there are a lot ofcontracts that we have to renew
for a number of different thingswarranty, support services and
all of those things.
And I got the thinking what ifmarriage was termed Two people
(05:48):
come together?
Because, think about it, whenit comes down to it, marriage
can be boiled down to its bareessentials as a contract between
two people.
There's legal aspects to itFrom the perspective of
ramifications.
If you decide to do somethingyou ain't supposed to do and you
know now, you got to go throughthat whole process of getting
(06:09):
out with it.
But if it was a term, whathappens is at the end of that
term, like all the contractsthat we're currently renewing,
we look back at that service andwe decide is service well, is
this?
Well, listen, I'm not talkingabout servicing nobody over here
, I'm talking about at somepoint, before you renew that
(06:33):
contract, you look back and seeif the value is actually worth
it for that actual contract it'salmost like a prenup with a
probationary well.
So listen what I'm what I'mtrying to say is most contracts
have a term limit, yeah, and youmay get into a contract and be
extremely happy with it and youplan on renewing over and, over
(06:55):
and over.
But you may get into a contractand after a year, realize that
the service sucks, and if that'sthe case, you're not going to
actually renew it.
So do you think that there aresome people out there who would
consider a term agreement whenit comes to marriage for a
(07:16):
certain number of years?
Sandy (07:18):
Yeah, well, I guess, why not right?
If you guys can just sit down,what?
Terrance (07:22):
do you mean you guys?
Sandy (07:23):
If you guys can just sit down, what do you mean, you guys
?
What I mean?
The people who apparently would, you know, be the proponent of
a term contract.
Not you specifically, but youknow.
Imagine this you know, in RhodeIsland, if it's not me, it's
you guys.
Terrance (07:44):
Imagine this you walk up to the altar and instead of
saying until death, do us part,you say until 2027.
Upon which date we will decidewhether or not we will renew our
vows.
Here's the thing.
You know how you're alwaystalking about.
Sandy (08:03):
Every time you renew your vows Exactly Now.
Terrance (08:07):
It may get a little expensive, depending on who's
paying for it.
Sandy (08:09):
Well, you don't have to have a huge party.
Terrance (08:11):
It can just be a party .
You always talk about.
You want to renew your vows.
Sandy (08:16):
Well, that's because you know, the wedding day just goes
by so fast that Well, it goes byso fast and it costs a lot of
money.
Terrance (08:22):
Anyway, I think that.
I think obviously there's somelogistics that you know you got
to get to, but we're going toget into that in a minute.
Sandy (08:30):
But yeah, I think if you can sit down rationally and talk
about things in advance andthen just say, okay, in five
years we're going to reassessthe situation.
Terrance (08:41):
I think that there are certain people who would jump
at that opportunity, right.
And again, I think there's somethings that you have to
consider.
But when you look at it, I sayI was saying this the other day
life's about options, right.
One of the things that, as youstart to mature into an adult,
you start to think about is,once you get a family and things
going, you start to think aboutinsurance life insurance, right
(09:02):
, and what types of lifeinsurance?
What are the two primary typesof life insurance that are out
there?
Sandy (09:08):
Yeah, there's life, whole life Term.
Terrance (09:11):
And term life.
So why can't there be two typesof marriages out there?
Sandy (09:15):
Whole life.
Terrance (09:16):
Whole life and term life and term life.
So look, when I think aboutthis concept and you know it's
funny because, like I said, Ihad this idea and I was like, oh
, I don't think anyone else hasthought about this, and I did
some research and there were twopeople who actually had, at
least online, wrote somethingabout the idea of a term
(09:39):
marriage I think that there'ssome benefits that can come out
of a term marriage and I thinkthe first, I think the biggest
actually is I think a termmarriage could decrease the the
impact of divorce and the stigmathat it actually brings.
(10:00):
And I'll tell you why In manycases, right, two people, they
go, they get married.
It don't work out, they getdivorced.
Now they're divorcees, is itnot true?
They got that label that's onthem.
Sandy (10:18):
Yeah.
Terrance (10:19):
And when you say, oh, I'm divorced, people might not
say it out loud, but they startto think, oh well, what'd you do
?
Or what happened?
Yeah, there is a negativeconnotation when you start
talking about divorce.
Now think about it from thisperspective If I say I do until
2026.
Sandy (10:38):
Yeah.
Terrance (10:39):
And I live out that.
You know we work out throughthat term and there's an
expiration date.
Sandy (10:45):
Single again.
Huh, I said, do you just so,instead of saying divorcee, are
you just single again?
Terrance (10:51):
I'm single.
The contract ran out.
We didn't renew.
Sandy (10:57):
Listen, I was recently in a term marriage, but we decided
to not renew that contract.
Terrance (11:03):
If there's a predetermined point and you get
the opportunity to review therelationship right and you
understand that things evolveand things change over time, If
those changes don't fit who youare or they don't fit you know
the construct of therelationship, again you just
agree to go your separate waysand it's not.
(11:25):
It's not really a divorcebecause, again, we got married
until this date and once thatdate comes it dissolves.
Now I get it there's.
I know it's simpler than that,but from the perspective of that
impact of saying, oh, I'mdivorced, you just say, nah, I'm
saying, oh, I'm divorced, youjust say, now I'm free, I'm
single again yeah, well, itmakes me think about, you know,
(11:45):
even with employers having ayear-end performance review.
Sandy (11:50):
So instead of a year-end performance review, it's a end
of contract performance review.
Terrance (11:57):
now you coming around because you have to have that
end of I'm trying to.
I got to come up with a termfor it that it's your current
relationship score.
If your current relationshipscore does not reach a
particular level that theparties agree upon beforehand,
(12:21):
that opens the door to end therelationship.
Now you can obviously decidewhether or not you want to
continue with it with within, tocontinue with the marriage, but
if your scores ain't cutting it, you don't pass maybe there's
language that says, if the scoredoesn't cut it, you, you don't
go a full five, 10 years orsomething.
(12:42):
Now we're going to get into wecan talk about some of the
details that you have to thinkabout.
Sandy (12:48):
But I think one of the benefits is is right when
emotion gets involved is usuallywhere it gets a little dicey.
Terrance (12:56):
This will reduce emotion.
Sandy (12:57):
Right.
So if you're working out thisterm contract, you know you're
taking the emotion out becauseboth parties are content at that
moment in time and you knownobody's trying to.
Terrance (13:10):
You know when you know that there is a upset at the
other one when you know thatthere is an end date or an
expiration date on your, on yourrelationship, on your marriage,
and you know that the servicejust ain't there.
It is a.
It is a relief, it's an, it's amost.
It removes any emotional burden.
It's a relief because now youknow, okay, well, this thing
(13:31):
that I'm in sucks, but guesswhat?
It's coming to an end so it's.
Sandy (13:37):
It's funny because it does make me think.
Would it actually cause peopleto, you know, not renew their
term?
Like hey, this is not workingout, where maybe some people
tend to stay together longer inmarriages, thinking that like,
okay, well, we're going toreally work harder and
(14:00):
everything for it, but knowingto the point that like listen,
this contract is over in fiveyears, like we already made that
decision, like there's no pointin trying to renew this?
Terrance (14:11):
Well, I think it depends on a big part of it does
depend on how the relationshipis Right.
You know for a fact that thereare people who try to make a
relationship work for whether itbe for societal reasons,
whether it be from pressure fromfrom family or peers, and so
they put in this effort to tryto actually make it work.
When they're not doing itbecause the relationship score
(14:34):
has reached the number that itshould have reached, they're
doing it because there's outsidepressure.
Now, when you're in thissituation where you know that
there is actually an end dateand again you're in a situation
that is just not working for you, it can be a relief because now
you know hey, listen.
Sandy (14:53):
Like right, I'm out.
Terrance (14:54):
I'm out on this date, it's done and the thing about
that is it can make it moreamicable for both parties,
because you both know that thisdate is actually coming up.
Sandy (15:07):
Yeah.
Terrance (15:08):
And you don't have to go through that emotional stress
like you would if there wasactually a divorce.
When you're in a situation andyou're in a traditional marriage
and you get a divorce, nobodyplans for the divorce.
You don't go in and say when weget divorced, it's this.
However, when you start talkingabout a term marriage, now
(15:29):
there's things that you actuallyhave to consider and we'll talk
about you know some of thosethings in a minute, but the
other thing that this actuallydoes for you is it does give you
a lot of flexibility, right?
So when I say flexibility, Imean you always have the
opportunity to reassess andrenegotiate once that term
(15:51):
actually comes up.
Let's say, you want to actuallycontinue once your expiration
date comes up, but there arecertain things that you feel
just weren't right or certainareas where someone needs to
work to get that score up.
Sandy (16:07):
Yeah.
Terrance (16:07):
Go to the negotiating table.
Sandy (16:10):
Or it sounded like a good idea when you thought of it,
and maybe it's not practical.
Terrance (16:15):
Yeah, I mean, if you're satisfied at the end of
the term, you can keep going.
Sandy (16:20):
It kind of makes me think of, like the Big Bang Theory
and the Roommate agreement Ifyou're satisfied at the end of
the term, you can keep going.
Terrance (16:25):
Kind of makes me think of like the Big Bang Theory and
the roommate agreement.
I believe he also did have agirlfriend agreement too.
I think he did.
Sandy (16:31):
But yeah, well, honestly, I think any agreement is not a
bad idea, because it really hasyou thinking about things in
advance of that's a greatexample, because you know what,
when you get all lovey-dovey andget married, you don't think
about a lot of things.
Announcer (16:48):
Well.
Terrance (16:48):
I don't want to say you don't think about a lot of
things, you don't plan for a lotof things.
Sandy (16:53):
Right, all the things we plan for in life.
Yeah, it's not one of thosethings that we do plan for you
think about it.
We do trusts, we do wills, like.
There's so many other type ofagreements and legal documents
that we put together that, yeah,marriage is not even one of
(17:14):
them, which should be like oneof the most important ones.
Terrance (17:17):
Yeah, and I think that you touched on it earlier.
When you have see, I'm bringingyou over.
It's funny because I'll be atwork and I have all these ideas
and these ideas.
Some of them are moneymakers,but people don't want to get on
board, they don't, they're shyabout pulling the trigger.
Term marriages I'm going totell you right now they're going
(17:37):
to start taking off.
People are going to hear this.
They're going to, they're gonnastart taking off.
Now, again, there has to be alot more planning when you talk
about a term marriage because,again, if you already know that
there's an expiration date, yougot to start planning for that
expiration date do you have likean executor, like you do for a
while, like a third party tojust handle everything, so you
(17:59):
don't even have to communicate?
with one another if you don'twant to, and so I'm not going to
pretend like there are not somechallenges, right, but again, I
look at every challenge as anactual opportunity.
So what type of challenges?
And you started to mention oneor two of them, but what type of
(18:19):
challenges do you think thatyou would have if you know, you
decided to adopt this concept ofterm marriage?
Sandy (18:29):
Well, I think the biggest challenge is, honestly, if you
end up having kids in that first, you know, so maybe that's part
of the agreement is that youshouldn't have kids before the
first renewal period.
Terrance (18:43):
Here's the thing you brought up a very, very good
point, and what I would say is Iwould say that you have to talk
about your actual plan, and youwould not just talking about
the actual plan but actuallyplanning, because, again, how
long is the term that I'mcommitted to?
(19:04):
And during that initial term,have we had the conversation
about children?
And, additionally, even if youhaven't had the conversation
about children, you have to planfor what happens if Because,
when I look at it, I do say,well, the biggest challenge
(19:25):
would be would be children, butat the same time, people get
married all the time and theydon't stay together, yeah, they
get divorced and they actuallyhave children.
Sandy (19:35):
It's not like it's not doable, but I think it's just
easier so that you're not goingthrough like any kind of custody
situation if you have it ironedout already in advance, you
know.
Terrance (19:47):
Yeah, and I think that the other part about it too is
you know, you always have toconsider the impact on the
children.
And that's not just for a termmarriage, because when you think
about it you know what adivorce is.
It's just a traditionalmarriage that was forced to be
termed.
I mean, think about it.
(20:08):
It's not termed for one reasonor another, it's a unplanned
termed marriage, and so when youstart thinking about the impact
that it can have on the kids,you know it's really the same
thing, I think.
From the perspective of if asplit is amicable, I think it's
a little easier on the childrenbecause now it's amicable, they
(20:29):
don't see any of the vitriolthat might be spewed between the
two parties.
But that would be a challengewhen you start considering.
Sandy (20:40):
I think it's a challenge and a benefit, because I feel
like with the unplanned term ofthe marriage there tends to be
less amicability, especially ohyeah, well, you know especially
if it's one party more than theother that wishes to term the
marriage.
You know what I mean if theyboth realize that it's it's the
(21:01):
best thing to do.
I know I I've seen plenty ofyou know marriages that way, but
I can't say that it's what I'veseen as the majority.
Announcer (21:12):
Yeah.
Sandy (21:13):
I feel like the majority is the other, where it's not so
pretty and nice and easy.
Terrance (21:21):
Yeah.
So one of the things that Ialways think about is, again,
there are so many people whodecide to get divorced, and
whether or not you're in asituation where you're in a term
marriage, where you can decidewhether or not you want to
renegotiate or renew a contract,and you're at the table, or you
both say, hey, listen, thisisn't working out, and you walk
(21:42):
away, you know on your own terms, I still think that that's
better than just coming up andsaying, ah, you know what I'm
out.
Sandy (21:52):
So, and then I would say too, with the kids, there's also
the pets.
Well, again who gets Jack?
Terrance (21:59):
This gives you the opportunity to plan for those
things, I think that would notbe a pretty fight on who gets
Jack.
I don't think that there's achoice.
I think Jack's is walking outthe door with me.
Sandy (22:08):
Yeah, no, I don't think that there's a choice.
Terrance (22:09):
I think Jax is walking out the door with me, yeah, no,
I don't think so, as he'slooking at me right now.
Sandy (22:12):
As he's looking at you and as he was waking me up this
morning.
Terrance (22:16):
I think another challenge that would be
secondary to the impact on kidsand I only say secondary because
if you have kids then youreally got to be careful with
that and that is Because youhave that third person to really
think about.
Yeah, and that is the whole thecommitment aspect of it.
(22:37):
Yeah, now if you're in asituation where you say, okay,
well, you know what I do until2027.
Are you looking to the futureand saying I'm only doing this
for this many years and you'renot really buying into the
concept of a term marriage fromthe perspective of, ok, well,
(22:59):
we're in love, we want to dothis, but we know that things
change.
So let's commit to this amountof time and you know if it works
.
Great.
If there's some things that wehave to work on, we can bring
those to the, to the negotiatingtable and move on.
Or you just say, yeah, you knowwhat, I'm married, but in three
years a brother's out well,maybe that's something that you
(23:23):
stipulate in the contract is allthe the renewal periods well, I
mean, here's the thing you know.
Sandy (23:32):
You can't put that in the contract, because the contract
is only for a set period of timeyeah, but if you choose to
renew, like these are youroptions for renewal in the
future, like first ones in fiveyears, then it's 10, then
another 10 yeah, but after the,after the first one, you just
don't renew when you're out yeahbut I don't know, like now.
Terrance (23:52):
Here's the thing a term marriage doesn't stop you
from it.
It should decrease the chancesof divorce, but it's not going
to stop someone getting divorced.
I don't know particularly, youmight be in a situation where
let's say lack of commitment I'msaying, yeah, lack of equipment
.
A it's just one of those thingswhere someone is vibing with
someone, yeah, At the time whenthey enter into this agreement,
(24:16):
and you know they're enteringinto the agreement with the
understanding that you know whatI'm going to do this, because
you know he or she wants to dothis, but you know it's only for
this amount of time.
So after this time, yeah, I'llbe out and that, and in those
situations they may not bewilling to work through any
(24:37):
small issues that actually maycome up, because they know that
there's an expiration date right?
Sandy (24:43):
well, honestly, yeah, so for me I wouldn't get too
emotionally invested in therelationship.
Ah see, now, you're not buyinginto the true concept of a term
marriage.
Yeah, well, that's just how Iwould, because I don't want to
get my feelings hurt.
Well, here's the thing.
Terrance (25:02):
At the end.
See now.
What I'm learning is this youhave to be a very self-confident
, self-confident, mature personto enter into a term marriage.
Sandy (25:14):
So are you calling me not self-confident or not mature?
No, no, no, no, no.
Terrance (25:17):
Here's what I mean by this.
When I talk about this term,I'm talking about it from the
perspective of okay, we seewhat's happening with marriages
throughout this country.
We see that they're failing ata very, very high rate.
Now we would all like to saythat we're actually different.
But what if we're not?
(25:39):
So let's go into this and sayhere's what we're going to do.
We want to be committed to eachother, we want to spend the
rest of our lives with eachother, but let's block this
amount of time out and say weare going to commit to be
married for this period of timeand hopefully it's all that it's
all cracked up to be.
We can work through things andall this other stuff, but if
(26:01):
it's not and we're just likeeverybody else, we walk away.
Sandy (26:06):
Well, I guess we would need a case study for the first
one, to figure out how it works.
Terrance (26:11):
You don't need no case study.
It's all based on listen.
It's really, it's a termed.
Marriage is not a get out ofjail free card.
You can't look at it that way.
I mean, eventually it is, butit's not something where you're
going to say, hey, listen, I'monly doing this, although people
(26:31):
will, because I know I'm goingto get out of it.
It's one of those things whereyou're saying I love this person
, but I know that this personmight change.
I might change the environment,environmental factors around us
might change, work might changeand it might drive us apart.
Those are all questions that wedon't know.
So let's prepare for that bysaying let's do this for this
(26:54):
many years and hopefully we canrenew and renew, and renew and
renew.
But let's do this for this manyyears and let's hope that these
are the best three years thatwe've ever had, and then, when
it comes up, boom, we do itagain, and then we do it again.
That's the concept.
It's not ah, you know what?
I'm going to get married forthree years and be out.
(27:15):
It's really looking at makingsure that one, two people who
are getting married really knowand understand each other and
they have the time to say, okay,well, we're going to give this
a real shot and if it doesn'twork, then at that renewal
period we walk away and you planfor it by making sure that when
(27:37):
you get involved in this,knowing that there's an end date
, you do all the necessarythings.
You know whether it be and thisis this is this is a challenge
too, because you've got to thinkabout this stuff up front.
All the legal complexities thatyou have to be concerned with,
all the financial complexitiesthat you would have to be
(27:58):
concerned with during a divorce,you plan for that prior to
getting into the actual termmarriage.
You've got to actually plan forthat.
Sandy (28:08):
End of term party.
Terrance (28:10):
There you go.
End of term party.
You know what I plan for that?
End of term party.
Yeah, you got to end the termparty.
You know what I mean?
See, now you're living it up.
Sandy (28:14):
One last hurrah altogether before the term ends.
Terrance (28:19):
Yeah.
So I say all that and thatleads me to one final challenge
that I think that has to beconsidered, and that is
differing expectations betweentwo people, right?
So I see, when I talk aboutthis concept, the concept that
I'm coming up with, it's not somuch where, hey, I'm going to
(28:39):
get married for three years andbe out, it's okay.
Well, I understand that arelationship is all about work.
I understand that I can'tchange people, but I do
understand that as human beings,as individuals, as couples, we
grow and evolve and somethingmight cause us to actually grow
apart.
And I'm going to put in all thework to keep us together If the
(29:03):
other person is going to put inthe work, or maybe they won't
put in the work, but at the endof the day, when we get to that
renewal period and we look atthe relationship score, if it's
not where it needs to be, we gotthe decision to actually be out
.
Now, if I'm thinking that wayand you're thinking, nah, I'm
just doing this bid.
I'm just, I'm going to do this,I'm going to do this quick bid
(29:25):
and then I'm going to be out.
Yeah, then you know that's achallenge, because now that
person's not looking at it.
You're looking at the conceptof a term marriage the same way
as you are, and they're only init just because they want to do
their bucket list two, threeyears exactly, or or their
bucket list I want to getmarried and then be out.
Sandy (29:46):
I well, I think you have to require marriage counseling.
Terrance (29:54):
That's not a bad idea.
Sandy (29:56):
Before the term ceases and you have to have
conversations like six to 12months in advance Like a
progress report.
Terrance (30:08):
Well, I think the first thing is when you your
term shouldn't be a year.
No, I think the initial termshould be three to five years.
Sandy (30:17):
Should be like progress reports along the way, to make
sure that you're still seeingeye to eye.
Terrance (30:22):
Listen, I'm all about it.
You got to start working onthese things.
Sandy (30:25):
Like a report card and just find out if you actually
pass to the next level.
Terrance (30:30):
Well, I think that all those things actually make
sense.
I think that in order to be inthe term marriage, you have to
start thinking about all thosethings.
I do think that you know thisconcept would change the way
that people actually think aboutmarriage Right.
People actually think aboutmarriage Right and I think that
in many cases people would putmore thought into okay, what are
(30:54):
the what ifs?
Sandy (30:55):
Yeah, how many times did you go to bed?
Man at each other.
You have to reduce your totalscore by that many.
Terrance (31:01):
Oh goodness, all right , we're going to wrap this up
because we can go on.
What ifs?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, we can go on all day withall of those things.
So, essentially, the key tosuccess in any relationship lies
in the ability to prioritizethe wellbeing and happiness of
both parties involved.
It requires communication,honesty, fostering that
(31:24):
connection and the continualnurturing of each relationship
over time, whether it betraditional or a term marriage.
Marriage takes work.
The goal is to promote healthy,fulfilling relationships based
on mutual respect, communicationand shared understanding, and
(31:45):
if you can accomplish this, yourunion has the potential to last
a very, very long time.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app, as well associal media, at Lunch with
Sandy.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (32:06):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
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TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
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