March 16, 2024 • 42 mins
Have you ever questioned if your daughter is equipped to tackle the world with her head held high? That's the very heart of our conversation today, where Terrance and I, unravel the complexities of instilling healthy self-esteem in our daughters. As we traverse through personal accounts and professional nuggets of wisdom, we aim to illuminate the path for parents striving to embed leadership, integrity, and confidence in their young women.
Navigating adolescence can feel like steering a ship through a storm, particularly when puberty's tumultuous waves hit. Our dialogue here is a compass for those choppy waters, highlighting the paramount role empathy and boundaries play during these transformative years. We foster candid discussions about the surprises our own daughters have brought into our lives, emphasizing seizing the moments for meaningful conversation—acknowledging that these are the precious opportunities where the true lessons of integrity and self-worth are imparted.
The episode crescendos as we address the art of empowering our daughters towards independence and the audacity to succeed on their own merits. Our guests share their insights into shaping a small yet staunch circle of friends and nurturing individual talents that diverge from traditional paths to innovative careers. We wrap up this heartfelt episode with an empowering message: let's champion our daughters to rewrite the narrative of being a teenage girl in today's world, setting them on a journey of self-discovery, where they can truly thrive.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:00):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we discussvarious topics and offer
insights from the perspective ofa married couple.
I'm Terrance and I'm Sandy.
Today we're going to be havinga conversation about raising
daughters, but before we getinto that, please remember to
follow the Lunch with Sandypodcast on your favorite
(01:04):
podcasting app and you can alsofollow us on all social media.
At lunch with Sandy andspeaking of Sandy, Sandy, how
are you today?
Sandy (01:14):
Probably as good as I sound, which is not so hot.
Terrance (01:20):
And why is that?
Sandy (01:21):
I think allergies came early this year.
Terrance (01:24):
You know funny, you sounded fine this morning.
Sandy (01:28):
Yeah, it's kind of started last night.
Terrance (01:30):
Allergies might be coming early because your boy,
poxitani Fila, whatever his nameis he did say spring was going
to come a little early and it isa bit nice out there.
Sandy (01:40):
Yeah, I started seeing flowers growing, so that's nice.
Terrance (01:44):
It's funny.
I came home from my run todayand I noticed everyone outside
working in their yard.
The leaf bags were out.
I saw the infamous neighbornext door, who never cleans up
his leaves, was outside cleaningup leaves today.
Sandy (02:00):
Yeah, not me.
I'm trying to avoid beingoutside.
Terrance (02:04):
And the funny thing today Matthea was outside.
He said hey, when am I going tosee you?
Are you biking or what?
I said Matthea?
I said listen, I ran today, Ibiked yesterday, I biked the day
before.
I said I'm waiting on you.
He said oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.
I said I'm surprised to see youout here.
He said I'm only out herebecause you're out here.
(02:26):
He said as soon as you goinside, I'm going back inside.
Sandy (02:31):
Yeah, I'd love this time of the year, but my allergies do
not.
Terrance (02:39):
Speaking of this time of year, we are in March, and
you know what that means.
It means that we have abirthday coming up.
Sandy (02:45):
Yes, we do.
Terrance (02:47):
And Aila will be turning 14 this year.
So, speaking of her turning 14and speaking of her turning 14,
you know, there's one area wherewe do have a lot of experience
in.
Sandy (03:03):
Raising daughters.
Terrance (03:05):
Raising daughters, raising daughters.
And I think back and I got togive a shout out to my man,
prince, because Prince told mesomething that it always it made
me laugh, but it resonated withme and he said listen, he says,
as a father of daughters, yougot one job.
And I said, oh goodness, what'sthat one job?
(03:27):
And he said keep her off thepole.
But that's not what we'retalking about today.
Sandy (03:35):
But valid point.
Terrance (03:36):
We discussed this briefly in one of our other
episodes about how it'sdifferent raising daughters than
it is from raising sons.
And regardless of whether ornot you're raising daughters or
sons, your goal is to raise achild that's going to be able to
contribute to society and berespectful in those things.
(03:57):
But when I look at raisingdaughters, there's always
something that I add extra tothat when I think about how I
want to raise my daughters, andfor me, I want to raise them
with a particular mindset that'sgoing to match whatever skills
they may acquire.
And let me explain.
(04:18):
There are three things that Ithink that we need to make sure
we nurture when we talk aboutraising daughters, and the first
one is we want to make surethat we nurture a healthy sense
of self-esteem when we'retalking about raising daughters.
And when I say healthy sense ofself-esteem, what I mean is we
(04:42):
want to make sure that, in theireyes, how they value themselves
and how they perceivethemselves is in a high sense,
for lack of a better term and Iuse the term healthy sense of
self-esteem because, again,there are some individuals or
you can put yourself in asituation, or you can put your
(05:03):
you can nurture your child to asituation where they're beyond
the measure of reality, andthat's not what I'm talking
about.
But one of the things, one ofthe qualities that I think that
we should be focusing on when wetalk about raising daughters
and having a particular mindset,is a healthy sense of
self-esteem, because I thinkthat's very important.
(05:24):
The other area that I think thatwe really need to nurture has
to do with particularcharacteristics that make them
good in a leadership position,and what I mean by that is I'm
talking about the traits such asintegrity, compassion, respect
and those areas Well, respectand also confidence.
(05:49):
And speaking of confidence, thatis one other quality that I
think that we should nurturewhen we start talking about
raising daughters.
We want to make sure that theyare self-assured in themselves
and their actual abilities.
And I say all that because,particularly in today's
environment, it's a challenge.
(06:10):
When you talk about comparingwhat has been the environment
for young women in the past andtoday, it's not just a challenge
from the perspective of theenvironment.
(06:30):
It's a challenge for you now,as parents, to actually get them
to have a particular mindsetand to instill certain things in
them, and particularly foryoung women, there are some
things that you have to navigate, to put them in a position to
(06:52):
actually hear what it is thatyou actually have to say to them
, and one of those areas has todo with the fact that, as a
young woman, there are somechanges that happen within them,
and those changes not onlyaffect them physically, but it
(07:19):
also affects them mentally, andthis is something that you may
be to attest to, because I'mimagining that at some point you
were a young woman.
Sandy (07:28):
I don't know, has my camera cracked?
Terrance (07:32):
But you know it's no.
Yeah, when we start talkingabout puberty in children, both
guys and girls go through it,but I think for young girls
there is more of a swing.
I'll call it Right.
Okay.
And I think that swing happensearlier.
When I say swing, what I meanis from an emotional perspective
(07:53):
, from a physical perspectiveyou know they start changing
probably.
Well, I think it'sstatistically.
I think they change faster thanactual.
You know the boys do.
Sandy (08:04):
I would say girls go through more physical changes
than boys do for sure.
Terrance (08:08):
Oh, 100%, yes, yes.
Sandy (08:10):
And that does affect kind of everything else too.
To be honest, there are somedays that I prefer not to talk
to Ayla, right now.
Terrance (08:21):
Don't you Listen, don't bring, don't you sass my
daughter, don't sass my daughter.
Sandy (08:26):
But you know, you can tell Like sometimes she's just
for lack of a better term, justmiserable.
Well, I'm going to rephrasethat.
Terrance (08:34):
I think that I hear what you're saying and I think
that we just have to becognizant of the fact that when
they start experiencing thesechanges, those changes, like I
said, they're not just physical,they're mental, so their
behavior will change, it'llaffect their decision making,
and I think that, as long as wekeep those things in mind when
we talk about raising kids orraising daughters with a
(08:56):
particular mindset, you know, inorder for us to achieve that,
we need to be cognizant of thosethings and navigate those
things, because they mean theyare challenges.
Sandy (09:06):
Yeah, for sure.
Terrance (09:09):
And when those situations happen, the one thing
that we have to make sure we donow is we need to make sure
that we're not creating a cavityor a divide between us and them
, because the change is veryimpactful and I know it affects
(09:31):
each person differently, butwhen the behavior starts to
change, when the I'm trying tophrase this the right way when
the talking back and all thosethings start to happen, I think
one of the things that we haveto make sure that we do is we
(09:53):
not just understanding but, atthe same time, communicating
with them, because I think oneof the easy traps to fall into
is I'm not going to communicatewith them right now, because if
I do, I might hit them with atwo piece and a biscuit.
Sandy (10:11):
Well, I must admit that I still am cognizant of how much
I want to communicate duringcertain times.
Terrance (10:20):
Yeah.
Sandy (10:21):
Because if she's the one that's initiating a conversation
, that's definitely.
One thing I learned is that ifshe's talking, I try to stop
whatever I'm doing and have thatconversation, because later on,
you know, you try to have aconversation with her and she's
(10:43):
just like, basically, you knownow, yeah, you know that active
listening is important.
Terrance (10:51):
Yeah, because you said it.
Once she starts talking, that'sthe time for you to actually
listen Exactly.
I think communication is very,very important.
I think that you know, at thesame time, we then, now we, we
also have to be able toempathize and put ourselves in
(11:14):
the shoes of the young teenagegirl.
Yeah, when these things arehappening, because you know, we,
we have a lot of experience inthis.
Yeah, you know, we have twoolder daughters who we had to go
through this with and I, youknow, I'm sure you remember this
the experience with them werevery, very different.
Sandy (11:36):
All three of them have been very different.
Terrance (11:39):
We have raised three very unique daughters, and the
thing about it is they tend toamaze me every day, and when I
say amaze me, I'm not alwaystalking about wow, what you did
was amazing.
I was like man, I'm amazed thatyou made it.
(12:00):
I'm amazed that that came outyour mouth.
You know so.
But the other part about thatis, you know, the active
listening is important.
Sandy (12:13):
Well, yeah, and it's not always a convenient time either.
Announcer (12:16):
That's the thing.
Sandy (12:17):
And that's key, that's you know, because when they are
talking is just you have to jumpon it, because you just never
know how fleeting it is, it'sgoing to be it's like here one
minute, go on the next, likeit's.
You know, like you have thisone in a lifetime opportunity.
Terrance (12:37):
You need to seize the moment, yeah, and you know, at
the same, at the same time or inconjunction with that, at some
point, or particularly at thesepoints, when they start to these
, that change starts to happen.
They want to be independent,right?
They want to be able to do allthese different things, and the
challenge as a parent thatyou're going to face is you have
(13:00):
to be able to balance that, youknow.
Yeah.
That independence.
With the authority that youhave as a parent, you want them
to be able to do certain things,but at the same time, you have
to be able to say, hey, whoa,bring it, bring it back, bring
it back.
Sandy (13:16):
It is definitely a balance Trying to give them the
independence to do things andlearn things on their own, but
not to the point where it'sgoing to harm them.
Terrance (13:29):
Yeah, and that in some cases can cause conflict.
And so when that happens now,you have to make sure, from a
resolution perspective, you havea plan in place or you have
steps that you can, you know,take to move that conflict to a
(13:49):
resolution and at the same timeyou have to be able to set
boundaries.
So they understand that.
Ok, well, I can operate betweenA and B, yeah, but once I go
outside of that, there'sconsequences and repercussions.
Sandy (14:08):
Well, and expectations.
I think that's one of the bestthings that worked for Lexi was
you know when she was drivingand going out it was OK what
time you know in having theseconversations I should say up
front to set those expectations.
You know she knew whatever timeshe told us was the time to be
(14:29):
home.
Terrance (14:30):
Yeah, and you know what's important about that,
what you said, you know.
So when we're we're going totalk about Lexi for a second,
because at that particular time,I feel that we were being very
flexible in understanding, tothe perspective or to the fact
that you know she was growing up, she wanted to do these things,
and we looked at it from thisview, saying, ok, well, we're
(14:56):
going to allow you to do these,but you need to give us this
information.
But, more importantly, when shedidn't do what she said she was
going to do, we enforcedconsequences.
Yeah, and I think that settingthe expectation is important.
I think that being flexiblewith them and giving being
flexible with them and givingthem a certain amount of leeway
(15:20):
to grow and to experience thingsis important, but more
important than that.
Sandy (15:23):
Because we didn't give her the curfew.
Terrance (15:25):
We asked her what time ?
No, no, exactly.
Sandy (15:27):
She was going to be home, and that was the time that she
had to stick to.
Terrance (15:31):
Yeah.
But more importantly than allof that is when they break their
word.
Oh yeah, holding them andmaking them understand that
there's actual consequences.
Now, you know, all this stuffkind of ties back to those
characteristics from theperspective Not all of them
right now, but we'll get to it.
But when we provide them theopportunity to lead themselves
(15:56):
right, we're giving them chancesto develop particular traits,
we're giving them the chance tobe respectful from the
perspective of you say this iswhat you're going to do, do it.
You earn trust in all thoseother things.
You don't do it, life hasconsequences.
And so now, as you move throughlife, you have to understand
(16:17):
that you are going to be heldaccountable for all these
different things.
Yeah, and I think by providingthem with that flexibility, that
builds a sense of assurednessbecause now?
Or a sense of confidencebecause now, hey, I can do these
things, or I have the abilityto do this and I have their
(16:40):
support as long as I stay within.
Again, a and B.
Sandy (16:46):
Yeah, and kind of, like you said, each child is unique
and I would say that you kind ofhave to know that uniqueness to
kind of decide what tacticyou're going to take with each
one.
Yeah.
Because, like for Sheena, moreof her expectation was to be out
(17:08):
of her room in awfulelectronics right, yeah yeah, in
Philexie, you know, she was alittle bit more, we'll say,
devious.
Terrance (17:18):
Well, I'm gonna say I'll replace devious with
adventurous.
Sandy (17:22):
Adventurous.
Yeah, it wasn't as forthcoming.
Terrance (17:26):
Yes.
Sandy (17:27):
You know.
So our tactics with her had tobe a little different.
You know, I'm sure she didplenty of stuff behind our back,
absolutely.
But at the same time she atleast knew.
You know, like you said, thatthere are expectations, there
are consequences, and you know,that's kind of that's how life
(17:48):
goes.
Terrance (17:49):
Yeah, no, 100%.
It's funny because you knowwhat you don't know won't hurt
not us.
It may hurt you, but not us.
And I think that the uniquenessbetween the two of them, even
with Ayla it astounds me becauseagain with Lexie we had to play
those cards.
(18:09):
We had to say you have betweenA and B which, shayna?
I mean we never really ran intothat.
Sandy (18:14):
No, and that's what I mean.
Like it's still the sameconcept, it's just applied
differently depending on yourchild.
You know, and like Ayla rightnow, the expectation I feel like
is more honestly, getting herto do more stuff out of the
(18:37):
house, like you know what I mean.
Like I told her and she almosttried to back out again.
She's like I don't think I wantto do a track anymore.
I said, well, you're doing it,I want to see another me.
Yeah, she just said it today, sofor her it's a little different
too, Like we set thatexpectation like listen, you
need to do something.
Because, well, you know she'scomplaining about being bored
(18:59):
today, but then she's alsosaying that she doesn't want to
do all these things.
You know.
So, for her, the expectation, Ithink, is like a little
different.
Even there, you know, we don'thave to worry so much about her
being in her room.
She's not adventurer Well rightnow, she's only 13.
She's not yet as adventurous asLexie, so I think she's kind of
(19:21):
in between.
Terrance (19:22):
Yeah.
You know, and I think thechallenge.
I think the challenge is theygrew up in different times and I
think that's a big thing andyou know, right now I don't know
.
I mean, I think it's on therare side that you have kids who
are at that age and who aredoing more outside because of
(19:46):
just the access and technology.
And I'm not saying that we wanther to be that way because,
again, she needs to get out andshe needs to start experiencing
some of those things.
I think a big part of it, too,is with her.
She does not, she doesn't wantto fail.
Sandy (20:07):
Yeah.
Terrance (20:08):
And to some, particularly at that age if you
don't try, you won't fail.
But you know, my view on thatis you fail at everything you
don't try.
Sandy (20:19):
Well, that, and I feel like she's very hesitant to try
new things.
Terrance (20:24):
Yeah, I think she's very hesitant to try new things
in front of people.
Yeah, and I don't think itmakes a difference who the
person is, whether it's you, meor whatever.
Sometimes I can have aconversation with her, and you
know we can get through it.
But I think that with her it's adifferent time and I think that
because of the rarity of kidsher age doing different things,
(20:48):
I think that makes it achallenge, and because who she
is I'm gonna tell you.
I mean, aila is, and peopledon't believe this.
Aila is a little version of me,because I wasn't always the
person that I am today, and sothat's why a lot of times I can
have a conversation with herafterwards and say, hey, listen,
you gotta do better, you gottatry.
I understand you gotta tryharder.
But you know, when we talkabout all of this stuff and we
(21:14):
talk about the change they gothrough, and we talk about
giving them leeway and we talkabout holding them accountable
and enforcing consequences, wealways wanna make sure that at
the end of the day, you knowwe're supporting their mental
health and self-esteem.
Sandy (21:32):
Yeah, and that's a big one.
It is a big one because you and, honestly, I should say, to one
of the things that I noticedraising Lexi and Shayna and I
did my best and I think I'mdoing much better with Aila
which is, you know, they kind ofmimic what they see, you know,
(21:54):
and hence, if you, as the mother, are constantly putting
yourself down and remarking onyour own looks, in your own body
image, I feel like they end updoing something very similar.
Terrance (22:14):
Yes, because they model that behavior and those
are some of the biggestchallenges that girls face.
When you talk about, you know,the self-esteem image, the body
image, even mental health, Imean one of the things that I've
always strived and I think I'vedone a very, very good job, and
part of it has to do with youknow and we'll get to this piece
(22:35):
later when I talk about havinga particular mindset.
I make sure that what they seein my interaction with you is
nothing but positive and I knowit can't be 100% of the time,
but, damn it, it's 99.9% of thetime and the reason for that is
whenever they decide thatthey're going to choose a mate,
(22:56):
a partner or whatever, I wantthem to know what it is supposed
to look like.
Sandy (23:02):
Right enough that we haven't, I guess, debated.
Terrance (23:08):
No, we have listened, we've had arguments, but we've
never, never presented ourselvesin a negative light to them at
any point in their lives.
Sandy (23:19):
Yeah, we've never put each other down.
We've never.
I'm trying to just think ofsome of the stuff.
Like we never got overly heated.
Terrance (23:33):
We don't do listen, and it's not that we don't do
each other each other dirty infront of them.
It's just not something that wewe don't do that.
And when you were mentioning youknow how you present yourself
about certain things.
I think that's very importantbecause, again, from the
perspective of me being a man,there are gonna be certain
(23:54):
things that they're not going topick up from me, but there's
gonna be certain things thatthey're going to.
They're gonna be certain traitsthat they look for and whoever
is going to be with them and intheir relationship that I'm sure
they're going to model or lookfor.
But that aspect of making surethat you know, when we start
talking about that mindset andI'm gonna call it the Queen's
(24:16):
mindset because you know that'smy whole thing, the self-esteem,
the being comfortable with whoyou are, where you are, all of
those things we need to makesure that, well, we and by we in
this sense.
I mean you have to portrayyourself in that positive light,
because that's something thatthey're going to see and that's
(24:38):
who they have to model theirbehavior after when they're in
the house.
Sandy (24:43):
Yeah well, I've always tried to push that.
It's a healthy body, right?
That is the goal that youshould be striving for.
It's not, you know, having oneasset bigger than the other.
(25:04):
It's not, you know.
You know, now that the finelines are coming into my face
like I try not to comment onthose A-Lid now telling me that
I look old with my gray hair.
Terrance (25:22):
Listen and went so A-Lid, and I'm like you know
what.
Sandy (25:25):
But I told her I'm like that's okay, I'm okay with that.
Terrance (25:29):
Exactly.
I don't care you know, and youknow I say this, and this is the
first time I think I'm gonnaactually, you know, I've said it
before.
You know, I have this wholething with being perfectly
imperfect.
Listen you are who you are, loveit and own it.
Now there may be some thingsabout you that you want to
change, but you should becomfortable with who you are.
(25:50):
Yep, you know you should be.
You know.
Obviously you want to behealthy.
You want to be happy and when Isay healthy I mean physically
and mentally but you should notbe living by anybody else's
standards.
Right.
And I think that's so important,particularly in today's age of
social media all the access, allthe body modification that all
(26:13):
these people are doing out there, I just I get, I get concerned
that me being the father andthree daughters, I don't want
them to get caught up in thatand I mean I want them to
understand that, listen, you arebeautiful as you are.
Yep.
You should be unapologeticallyyou and don't have a problem
(26:35):
with being perfectly imperfect.
Sandy (26:37):
Yeah, I remember one time too I don't know where Alexi
and I were, and she saidsomething about basically how
perfect somebody looked, maybelike in a magazine or something,
and I was like, yeah, well,they're probably airbrushed.
So like, do you, you know, likeit's probably not real.
(26:57):
Like so you can't set yourselfup to try to mimic that.
I'm like.
You're already beautiful as itis.
You know what I mean.
Like that's not what your goalshould be.
Terrance (27:09):
Yeah, and see, this is why, you know, one of the
reasons why I labeled thisepisode Challenges of Raising a
Queen is because, again, when Ithink of a queen, I think of the
mindset I think of inherentlycapable, self-reliant,
independent, confident, able tonavigate any challenge that life
(27:32):
throws at you.
And I think that's the goalthat we should be setting for
our young daughters, and thething that always poses a threat
to that is all the access toall the information that's out
there, and it becomes achallenge because no matter what
information you provide themwith, it's coming from the
(27:56):
mouths of their parents.
Yeah.
And at some point, there's aperiod of time where the voice
of their peers is going to ringmuch louder than yours.
So when you're having thatconversation because now it's
finally started to come outwhere you'll see someone in a
magazine and they'll look atthat magazine saying, hey,
(28:16):
that's not me, I didn't, okaythat someone touched that up,
someone airbrushed, that, it wasPhotoshopped when they see all
of this stuff and they have thisimage and unfortunately a lot
of that stuff is changing nowbut the image or the concept of
beauty that's out there, that'sbeing portrayed, is not reality,
(28:36):
and young women have had thetendency in the past to get
caught up in that and to dothese different things to
actually achieve that.
Yeah, and what we need to do iswe need to empower our
daughters, and there are certainthings that we can actually do
(28:57):
to achieve that goal right, andthe first is making them
understand the importance ofthem making their own choices.
And when I talk about themmaking their own choices now,
I'm talking about not listeningto those voices out there, but
making a choice based on what itis that's best for you.
Sandy (29:22):
Yeah.
Terrance (29:22):
Now go ahead.
Sandy (29:23):
I was gonna say.
I know that sometimes that'shard and sometimes they seek
advice from their friends, and Iwould say that that's kind of
the second thing is notsurrounding yourself with
Friends who are not reallyfriends, and that was one of the
things that we had to deal with.
Terrance (29:44):
Yes, with both of them .
And the thing with that is thisI, in the age of social media,
it's hard for the youngergeneration to grasp that you're
going to have a very, very smallgroup of core friends who are
going to be with you throughthick and thin, and it's very
small.
(30:04):
I can count them on less thanone hand.
But with the age of socialmedia and access and you have
all these friends I just did airquotes they don't seem to
initially grasp that concept.
As they start to get older theystart to understand, but by
(30:25):
that time sometimes situationshave happened that have forced
them to come to that realization.
Sandy (30:32):
Yeah Well, unfortunately, especially teenage girls can be
really catty, you know, andit's important that they're
surrounding themselves withother females that are
supportive, you know, andempowering and showing the
positivity of a female-femalerelationship.
Terrance (30:55):
Yeah.
Sandy (30:56):
Versus?
You know not.
I guess you know it's reallyhard to find those relationships
and you know to your point.
You can count them all on onehand.
Terrance (31:08):
Yeah, and it is difficult, but the one thing
that I think that it's importantto make sure that you know, we
nurture and we tell ourdaughters is independence is key
.
By that what I mean is you haveto be self-reliant.
I remember and you know I usedto hate when they would say this
.
I remember when the girls wouldsay I'm going to find a rich
(31:30):
doctor and marry him, and thatused to burn me up because I
said, no, you don't want to bedependent on any other
individual.
Listen, it is fine to have apartner in life who is going to
be there with you to help youbuild what you shouldn't rely on
them to build, that's rightthat used to burn me up, and I
(31:52):
think that that was them tryingto take the easy way out.
Well, yes, and I think that youknow, if you fall down that path
and you don't focus onacquiring your own skill set,
building for your own future andall those things, when that
person decides, or if thatperson decides that they want to
(32:14):
step out or they want to dowhatever, now they have you at a
disadvantage because you can'tprovide for yourself.
Sandy (32:21):
Yeah, and even from that perspective, even the simple
things, like there are so manythings you know that are, I
guess, considered like malethings.
You know what I mean Changingoil, changing attire.
You know being able to start afire.
You know like, just like littlelife skills, like that.
(32:44):
Yeah.
You know, I feel like you allneed to just know how to do.
Yeah, I think, just like as afemale.
Terrance (32:52):
I think that we need to make sure they understand
that there's no role for a manthat a woman can't do.
Sandy (33:02):
Exactly.
Terrance (33:03):
There's no role for a man that a woman shouldn't be
able to do, and vice versa.
I mean, we're not raising sonsat this point, but the goal is,
it's okay, I appreciate youdoing that for me, but I can do
it on my own.
Yeah, exactly, and that's thething, and so that's one of the
things that I've always tried tohave conversations with the
(33:25):
girls about and I have thoseconversations with Ayla now is,
you know, be self-reliant, relyon yourself, bet on yourself.
That's the other thing, too,you know.
I think that and we were havinga conversation earlier, me and
you, and we were talking aboutyou I think it's important too
that, in order to support ourdaughters, we need to make sure
(33:47):
that they have the ability topursue their path, and I say
that is more importantly todaythan it was in previous
generations, because with theaccess and the opportunities
that they have, the chances forsuccess for that are greatly
increased.
Now, you listen, you still gotto put work in, but when we
(34:09):
start thinking about theinequality that exists sometimes
in traditional places ofemployment and when I say places
of employment, I don't meanparticular places, I mean
traditionally there was alwaysbeen an inequality between men
(34:29):
and women.
You don't have to go atraditional route and today's
age you have the opportunity tobuild your own stuff, and if
you're passionate aboutsomething, we should be
nurturing that, because thatpotentially could be something
that you could now turn into acareer or make a profit off.
Sandy (34:53):
Oh, definitely, Because, honestly, this is probably
something I've struggled withfor the past 25 years Like still
not figuring out what I want todo when I grow up.
Like you know what I mean.
Like I've never known, I'venever had.
You know, like I had ideas whenI was younger but I never
(35:16):
really pursued them, you know sodo you.
Some were probably harder, youknow also to do, but you know,
and I feel like I've always beenstuck in this like limbo of
working, just to work, eventhough it's nothing that I'm
fully passionate about.
Terrance (35:35):
So let me ask you this question.
This is a leading question to aquestion I may potentially ask
you, but I'm only going to askyou that, if you can stay on the
light side of things, would yousay that, as a young teenager
or as a teenager, there werecertain traits or qualities that
(35:57):
were nurtured from your parentsto you?
Well, only on the light side,it's just.
Sandy (36:10):
Yeah, no, I'm just trying to like think that one through.
I feel like it was, honestly,it always felt like more kind of
the situation Like, okay,you're gonna go to school so
that you can get a good job, butthen you're gonna get married
and have kids, you know.
So it was still within thattraditional realm, but at least
(36:34):
having an education.
Terrance (36:36):
Yeah.
Sandy (36:37):
I don't think that anything was ever like.
What do you really?
You know, what are youpassionate about, that you can,
you know, focus on.
Terrance (36:47):
Yeah, and you know what?
Again, time provides theopportunity to gain experience
and knowledge that otherwise youwouldn't have had, and I know
that the mindset was differentback then, but now what happens
is we have the opportunity tothink differently.
I still think that, and youknow this, and I tell the good
listen, particularly Aylaeducation is important, but so
(37:08):
are your passions, so you needto make sure you get your
education, but that doesn't meanthat you have to lock yourself
into something.
Where you're not, you're goingto be miserable Because, again,
you know what me I separate whoI am from what I do, and I think
that that's very important.
But we want to make sure that,in order to support our
(37:29):
daughters, we start having theseconversations and making sure
they understand that you maydecide to do something today
that you don't want to dotomorrow, and that's okay.
Yeah.
But as long as you arecontinuing to move in a
direction that you see, that yousee fits who you are, yeah Well
(37:52):
, and to be honest, I probablymade just a lot of dumb
decisions when I was youngerthat moved me away from that
path.
Sandy (38:00):
Right, but I think to your point.
When you can create harmonybetween the two, like what
you're doing for work plus yourpassion, you're just going to be
that much happier.
Terrance (38:14):
And so what I'll say to what you just said is this
but now that provides you theopportunity to learn a look at
your experience and take whatworks from that and instill that
in the girls, and what doesn'tyou leave to the side.
The thing about a challenge isa challenge is an opportunity,
right, as long as you learn fromyour failures or whatever, then
(38:36):
you win.
That's why, going back to Aila,I think it's important for her
to follow through on some ofthese things.
Now, again, I don't want to bethe parent that forces her to do
anything, but I think sheshould at least try, and that's
why I'm going to get out therewith her and try to do some
running with her and support her, and, at the same time, I don't
want to put her in a situationwhere she starts to feel
(38:59):
self-confident and she doesn'thave that self-esteem.
And that's the balance that weactually need to focus to make
sure that, yeah, for her.
Sandy (39:05):
I think when she does it she's going to be fine.
You know what I mean.
She's going to enjoy it.
It's just getting her to do it.
Terrance (39:10):
And you know the other thing too the other thing I
wonder is whether or not someoneelse was going to do it.
And then they backed out.
Sandy (39:17):
That could very well maybe, but we'll say, but you
know, and then, kind of like,what you're talking about it's
also like.
So it is one of the things thatI did learn and that's where I
try to like even help guide Lexi.
If you remember, lexi was like,oh, she wanted to go into
business, she wanted to do this,you know.
(39:40):
And is she 100% happy in hercareer now?
I don't know.
But I think, I think it's justthe environment that she's
working in, not so much hercareer choice.
Terrance (39:52):
But here's the difference though.
Sandy (39:53):
But, like to the point, like she wanted to go into
business and I said, well, whydon't you go help your uncle
take this job, you know?
Cause this is essentially whatyou're going to be doing if you
get into business, like sittingat a desk and banging out work
for the most part, right, andthat was the you know.
(40:14):
So I think in that daughter shedid not want to be in business.
Terrance (40:18):
Well, I think there's a difference.
I mean there is a differencedepending on what it is, because
if we define what hetechnically you know he is a CPA
, and depending on what businessyou get into, it can be very
different from that, but I hearwhat you're saying.
It's go and experience somethingand see what you want to do.
Now the part about her notbeing extremely happy with what
(40:39):
she does.
I know that for a fact becauseI asked her.
But at the same time she ishappy she might, and that's the
thing.
This is where I talk aboutseparating what you do from who.
You are right you don't have toenjoy 100% what it is that you
do.
It's nice if you do, but youdon't have to.
I think that you know, when itcomes down to what we want to
make sure that we're instillingin these and our daughters and
(41:02):
kids in general is, you know,life is about balance.
You're not, it's not going tobe all roses and whatever you
want to call it 100% of the time, but you got to look at that
balance and as long as you canmaintain that balance and you're
happy, then you know it's a win.
Sandy (41:20):
Yeah, for sure.
Terrance (41:21):
So you know, today we're talking about.
You know raising teenage girlsand how it can be a challenge.
It takes patience, empathy andunderstanding to do so.
The key to success is foundthrough communicating openly and
(41:43):
honestly, in setting clearboundaries that take into
account who they are, but at thesame time, you have to have a
clear set of consequences and beable to support and empower
them with their choices andtheir passions.
So let's empower our daughtersto embrace their uniqueness,
(42:03):
chase their dreams and rewritethe story of what it means to be
a teenage girl in today's world, because when we believe in
their potential, there's nolimit to what they can achieve.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (42:27):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we discussvarious topics and offer
insights from the perspective ofa married couple.
I'm Terrance and I'm Sandy.
Today we're going to be havinga conversation about raising
daughters, but before we getinto that, please remember to
follow the Lunch with Sandypodcast on your favorite
(01:04):
podcasting app and you can alsofollow us on all social media.
At lunch with Sandy andspeaking of Sandy, Sandy, how
are you today?
Sandy (01:14):
Probably as good as I sound, which is not so hot.
Terrance (01:20):
And why is that?
Sandy (01:21):
I think allergies came early this year.
Terrance (01:24):
You know funny, you sounded fine this morning.
Sandy (01:28):
Yeah, it's kind of started last night.
Terrance (01:30):
Allergies might be coming early because your boy,
poxitani Fila, whatever his nameis he did say spring was going
to come a little early and it isa bit nice out there.
Sandy (01:40):
Yeah, I started seeing flowers growing, so that's nice.
Terrance (01:44):
It's funny.
I came home from my run todayand I noticed everyone outside
working in their yard.
The leaf bags were out.
I saw the infamous neighbornext door, who never cleans up
his leaves, was outside cleaningup leaves today.
Sandy (02:00):
Yeah, not me.
I'm trying to avoid beingoutside.
Terrance (02:04):
And the funny thing today Matthea was outside.
He said hey, when am I going tosee you?
Are you biking or what?
I said Matthea?
I said listen, I ran today, Ibiked yesterday, I biked the day
before.
I said I'm waiting on you.
He said oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.
I said I'm surprised to see youout here.
He said I'm only out herebecause you're out here.
(02:26):
He said as soon as you goinside, I'm going back inside.
Sandy (02:31):
Yeah, I'd love this time of the year, but my allergies do
not.
Terrance (02:39):
Speaking of this time of year, we are in March, and
you know what that means.
It means that we have abirthday coming up.
Sandy (02:45):
Yes, we do.
Terrance (02:47):
And Aila will be turning 14 this year.
So, speaking of her turning 14and speaking of her turning 14,
you know, there's one area wherewe do have a lot of experience
in.
Sandy (03:03):
Raising daughters.
Terrance (03:05):
Raising daughters, raising daughters.
And I think back and I got togive a shout out to my man,
prince, because Prince told mesomething that it always it made
me laugh, but it resonated withme and he said listen, he says,
as a father of daughters, yougot one job.
And I said, oh goodness, what'sthat one job?
(03:27):
And he said keep her off thepole.
But that's not what we'retalking about today.
Sandy (03:35):
But valid point.
Terrance (03:36):
We discussed this briefly in one of our other
episodes about how it'sdifferent raising daughters than
it is from raising sons.
And regardless of whether ornot you're raising daughters or
sons, your goal is to raise achild that's going to be able to
contribute to society and berespectful in those things.
(03:57):
But when I look at raisingdaughters, there's always
something that I add extra tothat when I think about how I
want to raise my daughters, andfor me, I want to raise them
with a particular mindset that'sgoing to match whatever skills
they may acquire.
And let me explain.
(04:18):
There are three things that Ithink that we need to make sure
we nurture when we talk aboutraising daughters, and the first
one is we want to make surethat we nurture a healthy sense
of self-esteem when we'retalking about raising daughters.
And when I say healthy sense ofself-esteem, what I mean is we
(04:42):
want to make sure that, in theireyes, how they value themselves
and how they perceivethemselves is in a high sense,
for lack of a better term and Iuse the term healthy sense of
self-esteem because, again,there are some individuals or
you can put yourself in asituation, or you can put your
(05:03):
you can nurture your child to asituation where they're beyond
the measure of reality, andthat's not what I'm talking
about.
But one of the things, one ofthe qualities that I think that
we should be focusing on when wetalk about raising daughters
and having a particular mindset,is a healthy sense of
self-esteem, because I thinkthat's very important.
(05:24):
The other area that I think thatwe really need to nurture has
to do with particularcharacteristics that make them
good in a leadership position,and what I mean by that is I'm
talking about the traits such asintegrity, compassion, respect
and those areas Well, respectand also confidence.
(05:49):
And speaking of confidence, thatis one other quality that I
think that we should nurturewhen we start talking about
raising daughters.
We want to make sure that theyare self-assured in themselves
and their actual abilities.
And I say all that because,particularly in today's
environment, it's a challenge.
(06:10):
When you talk about comparingwhat has been the environment
for young women in the past andtoday, it's not just a challenge
from the perspective of theenvironment.
(06:30):
It's a challenge for you now,as parents, to actually get them
to have a particular mindsetand to instill certain things in
them, and particularly foryoung women, there are some
things that you have to navigate, to put them in a position to
(06:52):
actually hear what it is thatyou actually have to say to them
, and one of those areas has todo with the fact that, as a
young woman, there are somechanges that happen within them,
and those changes not onlyaffect them physically, but it
(07:19):
also affects them mentally, andthis is something that you may
be to attest to, because I'mimagining that at some point you
were a young woman.
Sandy (07:28):
I don't know, has my camera cracked?
Terrance (07:32):
But you know it's no.
Yeah, when we start talkingabout puberty in children, both
guys and girls go through it,but I think for young girls
there is more of a swing.
I'll call it Right.
Okay.
And I think that swing happensearlier.
When I say swing, what I meanis from an emotional perspective
(07:53):
, from a physical perspectiveyou know they start changing
probably.
Well, I think it'sstatistically.
I think they change faster thanactual.
You know the boys do.
Sandy (08:04):
I would say girls go through more physical changes
than boys do for sure.
Terrance (08:08):
Oh, 100%, yes, yes.
Sandy (08:10):
And that does affect kind of everything else too.
To be honest, there are somedays that I prefer not to talk
to Ayla, right now.
Terrance (08:21):
Don't you Listen, don't bring, don't you sass my
daughter, don't sass my daughter.
Sandy (08:26):
But you know, you can tell Like sometimes she's just
for lack of a better term, justmiserable.
Well, I'm going to rephrasethat.
Terrance (08:34):
I think that I hear what you're saying and I think
that we just have to becognizant of the fact that when
they start experiencing thesechanges, those changes, like I
said, they're not just physical,they're mental, so their
behavior will change, it'llaffect their decision making,
and I think that, as long as wekeep those things in mind when
we talk about raising kids orraising daughters with a
(08:56):
particular mindset, you know, inorder for us to achieve that,
we need to be cognizant of thosethings and navigate those
things, because they mean theyare challenges.
Sandy (09:06):
Yeah, for sure.
Terrance (09:09):
And when those situations happen, the one thing
that we have to make sure we donow is we need to make sure
that we're not creating a cavityor a divide between us and them
, because the change is veryimpactful and I know it affects
(09:31):
each person differently, butwhen the behavior starts to
change, when the I'm trying tophrase this the right way when
the talking back and all thosethings start to happen, I think
one of the things that we haveto make sure that we do is we
(09:53):
not just understanding but, atthe same time, communicating
with them, because I think oneof the easy traps to fall into
is I'm not going to communicatewith them right now, because if
I do, I might hit them with atwo piece and a biscuit.
Sandy (10:11):
Well, I must admit that I still am cognizant of how much
I want to communicate duringcertain times.
Terrance (10:20):
Yeah.
Sandy (10:21):
Because if she's the one that's initiating a conversation
, that's definitely.
One thing I learned is that ifshe's talking, I try to stop
whatever I'm doing and have thatconversation, because later on,
you know, you try to have aconversation with her and she's
(10:43):
just like, basically, you knownow, yeah, you know that active
listening is important.
Terrance (10:51):
Yeah, because you said it.
Once she starts talking, that'sthe time for you to actually
listen Exactly.
I think communication is very,very important.
I think that you know, at thesame time, we then, now we, we
also have to be able toempathize and put ourselves in
(11:14):
the shoes of the young teenagegirl.
Yeah, when these things arehappening, because you know, we,
we have a lot of experience inthis.
Yeah, you know, we have twoolder daughters who we had to go
through this with and I, youknow, I'm sure you remember this
the experience with them werevery, very different.
Sandy (11:36):
All three of them have been very different.
Terrance (11:39):
We have raised three very unique daughters, and the
thing about it is they tend toamaze me every day, and when I
say amaze me, I'm not alwaystalking about wow, what you did
was amazing.
I was like man, I'm amazed thatyou made it.
(12:00):
I'm amazed that that came outyour mouth.
You know so.
But the other part about thatis, you know, the active
listening is important.
Sandy (12:13):
Well, yeah, and it's not always a convenient time either.
Announcer (12:16):
That's the thing.
Sandy (12:17):
And that's key, that's you know, because when they are
talking is just you have to jumpon it, because you just never
know how fleeting it is, it'sgoing to be it's like here one
minute, go on the next, likeit's.
You know, like you have thisone in a lifetime opportunity.
Terrance (12:37):
You need to seize the moment, yeah, and you know, at
the same, at the same time or inconjunction with that, at some
point, or particularly at thesepoints, when they start to these
, that change starts to happen.
They want to be independent,right?
They want to be able to do allthese different things, and the
challenge as a parent thatyou're going to face is you have
(13:00):
to be able to balance that, youknow.
Yeah.
That independence.
With the authority that youhave as a parent, you want them
to be able to do certain things,but at the same time, you have
to be able to say, hey, whoa,bring it, bring it back, bring
it back.
Sandy (13:16):
It is definitely a balance Trying to give them the
independence to do things andlearn things on their own, but
not to the point where it'sgoing to harm them.
Terrance (13:29):
Yeah, and that in some cases can cause conflict.
And so when that happens now,you have to make sure, from a
resolution perspective, you havea plan in place or you have
steps that you can, you know,take to move that conflict to a
(13:49):
resolution and at the same timeyou have to be able to set
boundaries.
So they understand that.
Ok, well, I can operate betweenA and B, yeah, but once I go
outside of that, there'sconsequences and repercussions.
Sandy (14:08):
Well, and expectations.
I think that's one of the bestthings that worked for Lexi was
you know when she was drivingand going out it was OK what
time you know in having theseconversations I should say up
front to set those expectations.
You know she knew whatever timeshe told us was the time to be
(14:29):
home.
Terrance (14:30):
Yeah, and you know what's important about that,
what you said, you know.
So when we're we're going totalk about Lexi for a second,
because at that particular time,I feel that we were being very
flexible in understanding, tothe perspective or to the fact
that you know she was growing up, she wanted to do these things,
and we looked at it from thisview, saying, ok, well, we're
(14:56):
going to allow you to do these,but you need to give us this
information.
But, more importantly, when shedidn't do what she said she was
going to do, we enforcedconsequences.
Yeah, and I think that settingthe expectation is important.
I think that being flexiblewith them and giving being
flexible with them and givingthem a certain amount of leeway
(15:20):
to grow and to experience thingsis important, but more
important than that.
Sandy (15:23):
Because we didn't give her the curfew.
Terrance (15:25):
We asked her what time ?
No, no, exactly.
Sandy (15:27):
She was going to be home, and that was the time that she
had to stick to.
Terrance (15:31):
Yeah.
But more importantly than allof that is when they break their
word.
Oh yeah, holding them andmaking them understand that
there's actual consequences.
Now, you know, all this stuffkind of ties back to those
characteristics from theperspective Not all of them
right now, but we'll get to it.
But when we provide them theopportunity to lead themselves
(15:56):
right, we're giving them chancesto develop particular traits,
we're giving them the chance tobe respectful from the
perspective of you say this iswhat you're going to do, do it.
You earn trust in all thoseother things.
You don't do it, life hasconsequences.
And so now, as you move throughlife, you have to understand
(16:17):
that you are going to be heldaccountable for all these
different things.
Yeah, and I think by providingthem with that flexibility, that
builds a sense of assurednessbecause now?
Or a sense of confidencebecause now, hey, I can do these
things, or I have the abilityto do this and I have their
(16:40):
support as long as I stay within.
Again, a and B.
Sandy (16:46):
Yeah, and kind of, like you said, each child is unique
and I would say that you kind ofhave to know that uniqueness to
kind of decide what tacticyou're going to take with each
one.
Yeah.
Because, like for Sheena, moreof her expectation was to be out
(17:08):
of her room in awfulelectronics right, yeah yeah, in
Philexie, you know, she was alittle bit more, we'll say,
devious.
Terrance (17:18):
Well, I'm gonna say I'll replace devious with
adventurous.
Sandy (17:22):
Adventurous.
Yeah, it wasn't as forthcoming.
Terrance (17:26):
Yes.
Sandy (17:27):
You know.
So our tactics with her had tobe a little different.
You know, I'm sure she didplenty of stuff behind our back,
absolutely.
But at the same time she atleast knew.
You know, like you said, thatthere are expectations, there
are consequences, and you know,that's kind of that's how life
(17:48):
goes.
Terrance (17:49):
Yeah, no, 100%.
It's funny because you knowwhat you don't know won't hurt
not us.
It may hurt you, but not us.
And I think that the uniquenessbetween the two of them, even
with Ayla it astounds me becauseagain with Lexie we had to play
those cards.
(18:09):
We had to say you have betweenA and B which, shayna?
I mean we never really ran intothat.
Sandy (18:14):
No, and that's what I mean.
Like it's still the sameconcept, it's just applied
differently depending on yourchild.
You know, and like Ayla rightnow, the expectation I feel like
is more honestly, getting herto do more stuff out of the
(18:37):
house, like you know what I mean.
Like I told her and she almosttried to back out again.
She's like I don't think I wantto do a track anymore.
I said, well, you're doing it,I want to see another me.
Yeah, she just said it today, sofor her it's a little different
too, Like we set thatexpectation like listen, you
need to do something.
Because, well, you know she'scomplaining about being bored
(18:59):
today, but then she's alsosaying that she doesn't want to
do all these things.
You know.
So, for her, the expectation, Ithink, is like a little
different.
Even there, you know, we don'thave to worry so much about her
being in her room.
She's not adventurer Well rightnow, she's only 13.
She's not yet as adventurous asLexie, so I think she's kind of
(19:21):
in between.
Terrance (19:22):
Yeah.
You know, and I think thechallenge.
I think the challenge is theygrew up in different times and I
think that's a big thing andyou know, right now I don't know
.
I mean, I think it's on therare side that you have kids who
are at that age and who aredoing more outside because of
(19:46):
just the access and technology.
And I'm not saying that we wanther to be that way because,
again, she needs to get out andshe needs to start experiencing
some of those things.
I think a big part of it, too,is with her.
She does not, she doesn't wantto fail.
Sandy (20:07):
Yeah.
Terrance (20:08):
And to some, particularly at that age if you
don't try, you won't fail.
But you know, my view on thatis you fail at everything you
don't try.
Sandy (20:19):
Well, that, and I feel like she's very hesitant to try
new things.
Terrance (20:24):
Yeah, I think she's very hesitant to try new things
in front of people.
Yeah, and I don't think itmakes a difference who the
person is, whether it's you, meor whatever.
Sometimes I can have aconversation with her, and you
know we can get through it.
But I think that with her it's adifferent time and I think that
because of the rarity of kidsher age doing different things,
(20:48):
I think that makes it achallenge, and because who she
is I'm gonna tell you.
I mean, aila is, and peopledon't believe this.
Aila is a little version of me,because I wasn't always the
person that I am today, and sothat's why a lot of times I can
have a conversation with herafterwards and say, hey, listen,
you gotta do better, you gottatry.
I understand you gotta tryharder.
But you know, when we talkabout all of this stuff and we
(21:14):
talk about the change they gothrough, and we talk about
giving them leeway and we talkabout holding them accountable
and enforcing consequences, wealways wanna make sure that at
the end of the day, you knowwe're supporting their mental
health and self-esteem.
Sandy (21:32):
Yeah, and that's a big one.
It is a big one because you and, honestly, I should say, to one
of the things that I noticedraising Lexi and Shayna and I
did my best and I think I'mdoing much better with Aila
which is, you know, they kind ofmimic what they see, you know,
(21:54):
and hence, if you, as the mother, are constantly putting
yourself down and remarking onyour own looks, in your own body
image, I feel like they end updoing something very similar.
Terrance (22:14):
Yes, because they model that behavior and those
are some of the biggestchallenges that girls face.
When you talk about, you know,the self-esteem image, the body
image, even mental health, Imean one of the things that I've
always strived and I think I'vedone a very, very good job, and
part of it has to do with youknow and we'll get to this piece
(22:35):
later when I talk about havinga particular mindset.
I make sure that what they seein my interaction with you is
nothing but positive and I knowit can't be 100% of the time,
but, damn it, it's 99.9% of thetime and the reason for that is
whenever they decide thatthey're going to choose a mate,
(22:56):
a partner or whatever, I wantthem to know what it is supposed
to look like.
Sandy (23:02):
Right enough that we haven't, I guess, debated.
Terrance (23:08):
No, we have listened, we've had arguments, but we've
never, never presented ourselvesin a negative light to them at
any point in their lives.
Sandy (23:19):
Yeah, we've never put each other down.
We've never.
I'm trying to just think ofsome of the stuff.
Like we never got overly heated.
Terrance (23:33):
We don't do listen, and it's not that we don't do
each other each other dirty infront of them.
It's just not something that wewe don't do that.
And when you were mentioning youknow how you present yourself
about certain things.
I think that's very importantbecause, again, from the
perspective of me being a man,there are gonna be certain
(23:54):
things that they're not going topick up from me, but there's
gonna be certain things thatthey're going to.
They're gonna be certain traitsthat they look for and whoever
is going to be with them and intheir relationship that I'm sure
they're going to model or lookfor.
But that aspect of making surethat you know, when we start
talking about that mindset andI'm gonna call it the Queen's
(24:16):
mindset because you know that'smy whole thing, the self-esteem,
the being comfortable with whoyou are, where you are, all of
those things we need to makesure that, well, we and by we in
this sense.
I mean you have to portrayyourself in that positive light,
because that's something thatthey're going to see and that's
(24:38):
who they have to model theirbehavior after when they're in
the house.
Sandy (24:43):
Yeah well, I've always tried to push that.
It's a healthy body, right?
That is the goal that youshould be striving for.
It's not, you know, having oneasset bigger than the other.
(25:04):
It's not, you know.
You know, now that the finelines are coming into my face
like I try not to comment onthose A-Lid now telling me that
I look old with my gray hair.
Terrance (25:22):
Listen and went so A-Lid, and I'm like you know
what.
Sandy (25:25):
But I told her I'm like that's okay, I'm okay with that.
Terrance (25:29):
Exactly.
I don't care you know, and youknow I say this, and this is the
first time I think I'm gonnaactually, you know, I've said it
before.
You know, I have this wholething with being perfectly
imperfect.
Listen you are who you are, loveit and own it.
Now there may be some thingsabout you that you want to
change, but you should becomfortable with who you are.
(25:50):
Yep, you know you should be.
You know.
Obviously you want to behealthy.
You want to be happy and when Isay healthy I mean physically
and mentally but you should notbe living by anybody else's
standards.
Right.
And I think that's so important,particularly in today's age of
social media all the access, allthe body modification that all
(26:13):
these people are doing out there, I just I get, I get concerned
that me being the father andthree daughters, I don't want
them to get caught up in thatand I mean I want them to
understand that, listen, you arebeautiful as you are.
Yep.
You should be unapologeticallyyou and don't have a problem
(26:35):
with being perfectly imperfect.
Sandy (26:37):
Yeah, I remember one time too I don't know where Alexi
and I were, and she saidsomething about basically how
perfect somebody looked, maybelike in a magazine or something,
and I was like, yeah, well,they're probably airbrushed.
So like, do you, you know, likeit's probably not real.
(26:57):
Like so you can't set yourselfup to try to mimic that.
I'm like.
You're already beautiful as itis.
You know what I mean.
Like that's not what your goalshould be.
Terrance (27:09):
Yeah, and see, this is why, you know, one of the
reasons why I labeled thisepisode Challenges of Raising a
Queen is because, again, when Ithink of a queen, I think of the
mindset I think of inherentlycapable, self-reliant,
independent, confident, able tonavigate any challenge that life
(27:32):
throws at you.
And I think that's the goalthat we should be setting for
our young daughters, and thething that always poses a threat
to that is all the access toall the information that's out
there, and it becomes achallenge because no matter what
information you provide themwith, it's coming from the
(27:56):
mouths of their parents.
Yeah.
And at some point, there's aperiod of time where the voice
of their peers is going to ringmuch louder than yours.
So when you're having thatconversation because now it's
finally started to come outwhere you'll see someone in a
magazine and they'll look atthat magazine saying, hey,
(28:16):
that's not me, I didn't, okaythat someone touched that up,
someone airbrushed, that, it wasPhotoshopped when they see all
of this stuff and they have thisimage and unfortunately a lot
of that stuff is changing nowbut the image or the concept of
beauty that's out there, that'sbeing portrayed, is not reality,
(28:36):
and young women have had thetendency in the past to get
caught up in that and to dothese different things to
actually achieve that.
Yeah, and what we need to do iswe need to empower our
daughters, and there are certainthings that we can actually do
(28:57):
to achieve that goal right, andthe first is making them
understand the importance ofthem making their own choices.
And when I talk about themmaking their own choices now,
I'm talking about not listeningto those voices out there, but
making a choice based on what itis that's best for you.
Sandy (29:22):
Yeah.
Terrance (29:22):
Now go ahead.
Sandy (29:23):
I was gonna say.
I know that sometimes that'shard and sometimes they seek
advice from their friends, and Iwould say that that's kind of
the second thing is notsurrounding yourself with
Friends who are not reallyfriends, and that was one of the
things that we had to deal with.
Terrance (29:44):
Yes, with both of them .
And the thing with that is thisI, in the age of social media,
it's hard for the youngergeneration to grasp that you're
going to have a very, very smallgroup of core friends who are
going to be with you throughthick and thin, and it's very
small.
(30:04):
I can count them on less thanone hand.
But with the age of socialmedia and access and you have
all these friends I just did airquotes they don't seem to
initially grasp that concept.
As they start to get older theystart to understand, but by
(30:25):
that time sometimes situationshave happened that have forced
them to come to that realization.
Sandy (30:32):
Yeah Well, unfortunately, especially teenage girls can be
really catty, you know, andit's important that they're
surrounding themselves withother females that are
supportive, you know, andempowering and showing the
positivity of a female-femalerelationship.
Terrance (30:55):
Yeah.
Sandy (30:56):
Versus?
You know not.
I guess you know it's reallyhard to find those relationships
and you know to your point.
You can count them all on onehand.
Terrance (31:08):
Yeah, and it is difficult, but the one thing
that I think that it's importantto make sure that you know, we
nurture and we tell ourdaughters is independence is key
.
By that what I mean is you haveto be self-reliant.
I remember and you know I usedto hate when they would say this
.
I remember when the girls wouldsay I'm going to find a rich
(31:30):
doctor and marry him, and thatused to burn me up because I
said, no, you don't want to bedependent on any other
individual.
Listen, it is fine to have apartner in life who is going to
be there with you to help youbuild what you shouldn't rely on
them to build, that's rightthat used to burn me up, and I
(31:52):
think that that was them tryingto take the easy way out.
Well, yes, and I think that youknow, if you fall down that path
and you don't focus onacquiring your own skill set,
building for your own future andall those things, when that
person decides, or if thatperson decides that they want to
(32:14):
step out or they want to dowhatever, now they have you at a
disadvantage because you can'tprovide for yourself.
Sandy (32:21):
Yeah, and even from that perspective, even the simple
things, like there are so manythings you know that are, I
guess, considered like malethings.
You know what I mean Changingoil, changing attire.
You know being able to start afire.
You know like, just like littlelife skills, like that.
(32:44):
Yeah.
You know, I feel like you allneed to just know how to do.
Yeah, I think, just like as afemale.
Terrance (32:52):
I think that we need to make sure they understand
that there's no role for a manthat a woman can't do.
Sandy (33:02):
Exactly.
Terrance (33:03):
There's no role for a man that a woman shouldn't be
able to do, and vice versa.
I mean, we're not raising sonsat this point, but the goal is,
it's okay, I appreciate youdoing that for me, but I can do
it on my own.
Yeah, exactly, and that's thething, and so that's one of the
things that I've always tried tohave conversations with the
(33:25):
girls about and I have thoseconversations with Ayla now is,
you know, be self-reliant, relyon yourself, bet on yourself.
That's the other thing, too,you know.
I think that and we were havinga conversation earlier, me and
you, and we were talking aboutyou I think it's important too
that, in order to support ourdaughters, we need to make sure
(33:47):
that they have the ability topursue their path, and I say
that is more importantly todaythan it was in previous
generations, because with theaccess and the opportunities
that they have, the chances forsuccess for that are greatly
increased.
Now, you listen, you still gotto put work in, but when we
(34:09):
start thinking about theinequality that exists sometimes
in traditional places ofemployment and when I say places
of employment, I don't meanparticular places, I mean
traditionally there was alwaysbeen an inequality between men
(34:29):
and women.
You don't have to go atraditional route and today's
age you have the opportunity tobuild your own stuff, and if
you're passionate aboutsomething, we should be
nurturing that, because thatpotentially could be something
that you could now turn into acareer or make a profit off.
Sandy (34:53):
Oh, definitely, Because, honestly, this is probably
something I've struggled withfor the past 25 years Like still
not figuring out what I want todo when I grow up.
Like you know what I mean.
Like I've never known, I'venever had.
You know, like I had ideas whenI was younger but I never
(35:16):
really pursued them, you know sodo you.
Some were probably harder, youknow also to do, but you know,
and I feel like I've always beenstuck in this like limbo of
working, just to work, eventhough it's nothing that I'm
fully passionate about.
Terrance (35:35):
So let me ask you this question.
This is a leading question to aquestion I may potentially ask
you, but I'm only going to askyou that, if you can stay on the
light side of things, would yousay that, as a young teenager
or as a teenager, there werecertain traits or qualities that
(35:57):
were nurtured from your parentsto you?
Well, only on the light side,it's just.
Sandy (36:10):
Yeah, no, I'm just trying to like think that one through.
I feel like it was, honestly,it always felt like more kind of
the situation Like, okay,you're gonna go to school so
that you can get a good job, butthen you're gonna get married
and have kids, you know.
So it was still within thattraditional realm, but at least
(36:34):
having an education.
Terrance (36:36):
Yeah.
Sandy (36:37):
I don't think that anything was ever like.
What do you really?
You know, what are youpassionate about, that you can,
you know, focus on.
Terrance (36:47):
Yeah, and you know what?
Again, time provides theopportunity to gain experience
and knowledge that otherwise youwouldn't have had, and I know
that the mindset was differentback then, but now what happens
is we have the opportunity tothink differently.
I still think that, and youknow this, and I tell the good
listen, particularly Aylaeducation is important, but so
(37:08):
are your passions, so you needto make sure you get your
education, but that doesn't meanthat you have to lock yourself
into something.
Where you're not, you're goingto be miserable Because, again,
you know what me I separate whoI am from what I do, and I think
that that's very important.
But we want to make sure that,in order to support our
(37:29):
daughters, we start having theseconversations and making sure
they understand that you maydecide to do something today
that you don't want to dotomorrow, and that's okay.
Yeah.
But as long as you arecontinuing to move in a
direction that you see, that yousee fits who you are, yeah Well
(37:52):
, and to be honest, I probablymade just a lot of dumb
decisions when I was youngerthat moved me away from that
path.
Sandy (38:00):
Right, but I think to your point.
When you can create harmonybetween the two, like what
you're doing for work plus yourpassion, you're just going to be
that much happier.
Terrance (38:14):
And so what I'll say to what you just said is this
but now that provides you theopportunity to learn a look at
your experience and take whatworks from that and instill that
in the girls, and what doesn'tyou leave to the side.
The thing about a challenge isa challenge is an opportunity,
right, as long as you learn fromyour failures or whatever, then
(38:36):
you win.
That's why, going back to Aila,I think it's important for her
to follow through on some ofthese things.
Now, again, I don't want to bethe parent that forces her to do
anything, but I think sheshould at least try, and that's
why I'm going to get out therewith her and try to do some
running with her and support her, and, at the same time, I don't
want to put her in a situationwhere she starts to feel
(38:59):
self-confident and she doesn'thave that self-esteem.
And that's the balance that weactually need to focus to make
sure that, yeah, for her.
Sandy (39:05):
I think when she does it she's going to be fine.
You know what I mean.
She's going to enjoy it.
It's just getting her to do it.
Terrance (39:10):
And you know the other thing too the other thing I
wonder is whether or not someoneelse was going to do it.
And then they backed out.
Sandy (39:17):
That could very well maybe, but we'll say, but you
know, and then, kind of like,what you're talking about it's
also like.
So it is one of the things thatI did learn and that's where I
try to like even help guide Lexi.
If you remember, lexi was like,oh, she wanted to go into
business, she wanted to do this,you know.
(39:40):
And is she 100% happy in hercareer now?
I don't know.
But I think, I think it's justthe environment that she's
working in, not so much hercareer choice.
Terrance (39:52):
But here's the difference though.
Sandy (39:53):
But, like to the point, like she wanted to go into
business and I said, well, whydon't you go help your uncle
take this job, you know?
Cause this is essentially whatyou're going to be doing if you
get into business, like sittingat a desk and banging out work
for the most part, right, andthat was the you know.
(40:14):
So I think in that daughter shedid not want to be in business.
Terrance (40:18):
Well, I think there's a difference.
I mean there is a differencedepending on what it is, because
if we define what hetechnically you know he is a CPA
, and depending on what businessyou get into, it can be very
different from that, but I hearwhat you're saying.
It's go and experience somethingand see what you want to do.
Now the part about her notbeing extremely happy with what
(40:39):
she does.
I know that for a fact becauseI asked her.
But at the same time she ishappy she might, and that's the
thing.
This is where I talk aboutseparating what you do from who.
You are right you don't have toenjoy 100% what it is that you
do.
It's nice if you do, but youdon't have to.
I think that you know, when itcomes down to what we want to
make sure that we're instillingin these and our daughters and
(41:02):
kids in general is, you know,life is about balance.
You're not, it's not going tobe all roses and whatever you
want to call it 100% of the time, but you got to look at that
balance and as long as you canmaintain that balance and you're
happy, then you know it's a win.
Sandy (41:20):
Yeah, for sure.
Terrance (41:21):
So you know, today we're talking about.
You know raising teenage girlsand how it can be a challenge.
It takes patience, empathy andunderstanding to do so.
The key to success is foundthrough communicating openly and
(41:43):
honestly, in setting clearboundaries that take into
account who they are, but at thesame time, you have to have a
clear set of consequences and beable to support and empower
them with their choices andtheir passions.
So let's empower our daughtersto embrace their uniqueness,
(42:03):
chase their dreams and rewritethe story of what it means to be
a teenage girl in today's world, because when we believe in
their potential, there's nolimit to what they can achieve.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (42:27):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
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If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
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