February 17, 2024 • 37 mins
Ever wonder what ignites a spark in the diverse tapestry of men’s hearts? This episode, Sandy and I, get real about the qualities men truly admire in a partner. From ambition that's less about clocking hours and more about chasing dreams, to confidence that radiates without relying on the crowd's applause; we're serving up a feast of insights. Join us at our table where we share a slice of our lives, including that time we ran a half marathon together, all to illustrate the grit and grace of a goal-oriented partner.
Our heart-to-heart doesn't stop there. We navigate through the complexities of emotional stability and intelligence, unpacking why an engaging mind and a calm emotional center can be the bedrock of a fulfilling relationship. Forget superficial charm; it's the depth of conversation and the ability to weather life's storms together that make a partner ideal. And yes, we bring the 'cherry on top' qualities into the light—dependability, support, and consistency—that can transform a good relationship into a great one. So, cozy up and tune in for real talk on what makes a partnership truly satisfying.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:00):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer
insights from the perspective ofa married couple.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:54):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:56):
And today we're going to discuss some characteristics
that men look for when choosinga partner.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow the
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
You can also follow us on allsocial media at lunch with Sandy
.
Speaking of Sandy, let's seehow she's doing, sitting over
(01:19):
there wrapped up like a old ladywho is freezing to death.
Sandy (01:25):
I am.
It's chilly today.
Terrance (01:30):
I was actually outside .
It wasn't that bad.
The sun started coming out.
I thought it was going to beall cloudy today.
I don't know how it is rightnow, but earlier the sun was out
and it was nice.
It was a bunch of people outthere walking.
Sandy (01:42):
I did not see the sunshine today, unfortunately.
I went for a run.
It was cloudy and then Old lady.
Terrance (01:55):
A couple of weeks ago, we had a conversation and we
were talking aboutcharacteristics that some women
look for when they're lookingfor a partner.
And today we're going to flipthe script and we're going to
talk about some of thecharacteristics that men look
for.
But before I get into that, Ijust want to make sure that I
let everyone understand thatWell, not let everyone
understand.
I want to make the statementthat I do understand that
(02:17):
everyone is different, so Ican't categorize all men into
one grouping when we talk aboutcharacteristics that they look
for.
Sandy (02:28):
Did you take a poll with some of these things, or?
Terrance (02:31):
I didn't have to take a poll.
Sandy (02:33):
Man, you felt like you were.
Terrance (02:35):
I'm more than man enough to answer this question
for all the men in the world.
Sandy (02:39):
I don't yes.
Terrance (02:41):
You're not going to allow your response to that, I'm
not.
Sandy (02:45):
I don't know how I can offer.
Terrance (02:51):
So here's something you can offer before I even get
into this, because, again, Ithink men and women are
different in some ways.
But do you think that men andwomen look for the same thing
when they're choosing a partner,speaking just from the
perspective of what they lookfor characteristically?
Sandy (03:15):
I don't know.
I think to some degree,probably Right.
I think, I feel like there aresome that are going to be
overlapping, for sure.
Terrance (03:25):
I think that, when you know, when we had this
conversation a couple of weeksago, I talked about the pieces
and what the pieces are made up.
I think that when we, when wetalk about what men are looking
for from the perspective ofcharacteristics, I think, just
as with women, there's afoundational aspect of what it
(03:47):
is that they're looking for.
Sandy (03:49):
Well, obviously I'm going to have all the characteristics
, but yeah, there is.
Terrance (03:53):
Well, we'll see about that.
We'll see about that.
And again, everyone isdifferent and I'll try to touch
on a number of different aspects.
But, I think, when we talkabout the foundational portion
of what men Look for whenchoosing a partner and again,
(04:16):
this is not all men, but theones who are like me- that's the
majority right.
Nope, it's not, I think.
When we talk about thatfoundational aspect of what men
are looking for, I think it'smade up of Certain pieces, and I
think one of the biggest piecesis when men start looking for
characteristics in a woman or or.
(04:37):
One of the things that attractsmen to particular woman is
ambition.
Mm-hmm right, and when I sayambition, I'm talking about the
fact that we want someone whohas a Particular.
We're looking for someone whohas some drive.
Yeah when you start talkingabout building anything, you
(05:01):
don't want to have to dragsomeone along with you right.
Sandy (05:04):
So you know, I mean like ambition, specifically where
they're trying to work like 12hour days.
I mean.
Terrance (05:13):
I don't think that that's ambition.
I think that you know, thenumber of hours you work doesn't
really correlate to ambition.
You know, we look for something, what I look for someone who
has strong work at it, but atthe same time, I want someone
who's gonna have goals.
They're gonna be driven toachieve those goals and when I
talk about ambition, that's whatI'm talking about.
(05:34):
You got to have, you have, youhave to have a purpose, and your
purpose has to be more than I'mjust gonna sit around and watch
you do stuff.
Sandy (05:43):
Yeah well, I I obviously know that you don't like it when
people give up.
It's not so much that.
Terrance (05:51):
I.
Sandy (05:51):
Be like it's opposite of ambition, like right, if you're
always giving up on things likeyou're not even Trying your best
so that's lack of motivation,or Discipline okay you can be
very ambitious and not achieveanything.
Terrance (06:10):
That's true.
So when you talk about ambition, there's a piece that goes that
.
I mean there's pieces that goalong with it.
But what I don't like is Idon't like.
It's not that I don't like it.
My expectation, or my goal isfor people to realize their
potential, and you don't realizeyour potential.
Staying in that comfortablespace.
(06:30):
Right, and I'm gonna use astory, and the story is about
you.
When we ran that half marathon.
Mm-hmm in Pennsylvania.
Sandy (06:41):
Yeah.
Terrance (06:42):
You weren't being very ambitious and let me explain to
you what I mean.
You were on pace to Shatteryour personal record and I
didn't say anything for most ofthe race.
And when we got to a pointwhere I did say something, you
got real comfortable.
Now I know what you're gonnasay.
You're gonna say my compartmentsyndrome started to kick in.
(07:07):
But here's my response to allof that.
Pain is temporary.
But my response to all that isthis, and I say this all the
time the body does what the mindtells it.
Sandy (07:19):
So, mentally, if you start telling yourself, nah, I
ain't got this, then you don'thave it, so that's, that's not
but you're right, I did startquestioning myself because I did
start when it did start kickingin and I was in pain.
The question that was runningthrough my mind is am I even
gonna be able to finish thisbecause of all the amount of
(07:41):
pain that I was in?
So no, you're right to somedegree.
Terrance (07:46):
Of course I am Just not all of it.
Well, you know, I did again.
I don't think that, I don'tthink that you know what you can
accomplish if you tell yourselfthat you Can't do it.
And I understand that pain isreal, but at the same time, well
, you are, say that I couldn'taccomplish it.
Sandy (08:07):
I was questioning whether I could.
Terrance (08:09):
I'm gonna tell you.
You said you weren't going todo it.
And I'll tell you, I'm gonnagive you a perfect example.
Remember when I said, okay,when we hit mile 11, we're gonna
pick it up?
Do you remember what yourresponse was?
Sandy (08:20):
I'll wait till mile 13.
Terrance (08:22):
Yo, you said nope, I'm gonna wait till mile 13.
You actually said nope.
Sandy (08:26):
I'm gonna wait till mile 13.
Terrance (08:28):
For all those who don't understand, a half
marathon is 13.1 miles, so thatmeans you wanted to wait until
you had a tenth of a mile leftbefore you actually started
picking it up or putting somemore spice into that race there.
Sandy (08:45):
Well, you know I don't want to get too far down the
road, but I feel like at leastthat did show a different
quality that hopefully you dofind.
Terrance (08:58):
Listen when, when, when I talk about a vision and I
talk about someone who has astrong work work ethic.
What?
You do, and this is not aboutyou but someone who has a strong
work ethic, someone who hasthat drive to achieve goals and
someone who can bring a sense ofpurpose and motivation into the
relationship, where I Don'thave to actually provide that
(09:21):
purpose and provide thatmotivation at all times.
Sandy (09:24):
Yeah Well, yeah, no, and I agree, like you do need to
have that self motivation right,like you can't always depend on
other people for that.
So I feel like if you do, thatwould probably be a turnoff.
Terrance (09:44):
Wait, oh, if you have to provide that you don't want
to provide it all the time 100%,if you have to, if you have to
provide that all the time it isTurn off.
And now when we start talkingabout you know I'm gonna take a
step back and I'll get to thisother point.
We talk about what men look forand I start talking about the
foundation.
For me, ambition is is clearlyat the top, but again, I
(10:08):
mentioned this in the lastepisode as human beings were
shallow, so there is a sense ofattractiveness that has to be
part of that foundation.
And when I say attractiveness,I don't always mean physical
appearance, right, soattractiveness is made up of.
It comes across in manydifferent ways intellectually,
(10:30):
right, emotionally.
There are a number of thingsthat actually make up the aspect
when I talk aboutattractiveness, because I'm
talking about going beyond looks.
Now, when I say I'm talkingabout going beyond looks, I'm
speaking for myself and many whohave the same.
Sandy (10:49):
But again, there are people who want trophy wives.
I get it.
Terrance (10:52):
There are people who want trophy wives.
There are people who don't wanta Partner who has ambition.
They just want to be able tocontrol them.
But we're not talking aboutthose people there because I'm a
positive individual and I keepthings on the positive side.
Sandy (11:06):
But and I feel like the attractiveness is the one that I
think does overlap between menand women, right, I think there
needs to be some a level ofAttractiveness.
Like you can't think that thisis the most disgusting person
you ever seen why do you alwaysgot to go so?
Far to the left.
Terrance (11:23):
Listen, you always go so far to the left.
I agree what you say.
Sandy (11:26):
I think most women, I think, are also Not a shallow.
Terrance (11:32):
We tend it's what I will give you this.
What I will say is this when westart talking about
attractiveness, I think thatwomen have more of a range than
men do, and by that what I meanis there are certain men.
When you talk aboutattractiveness, they're just
talking about the physicalappearance and even from the
(11:52):
perspective of if I go left,like you did, I think Women have
more range when we talk aboutthat physical parents than men
do leeway range yeah, we whenyou, when you hear, and so.
So when I start talking aboutBeyond looks, I am talking about
you know the mental aspects.
I am talking about thepersonality.
(12:13):
Now You're typically, whensomeone says she has a great
personality, you know what thatmeans.
Sandy (12:19):
Connotation behind that is you know, from a physical
perspective, she is not all theway there well, yeah, well, to
your point, I I I Certainlywouldn't want somebody, and I'm
not gonna speak for all women,but personally I wouldn't want
somebody who's ugly on theinside, no matter how attractive
(12:41):
that they are on the outside.
Terrance (12:42):
Well, there's a lot of ugly people on the inside.
Sandy (12:45):
So the question, the question becomes how long it
takes you to see how ugly theyare on the inside, because like
that whole, like I Can'tremember that whole chart
diagram type situation whereAttractiveness and craziness I
think it's also the sameattractiveness and ugliness on
(13:05):
the inside.
You have to find, like that,balance between the two.
Okay how ugly on the inside cansomebody be that it then
becomes too overwhelming?
Terrance (13:15):
I don't want nobody ugly on the inside.
I don't want nobody ugly on theinside.
But that's what it makes methink because you know what the
thing about it is that uglinesson the inside, you know, is ugly
.
Yeah, no you know, I mean it'sone of those things.
But when you start to see whatit is is I mean it's ugly and
then you know right whensomeone's ugly on the inside
that can be contagious, you canbecome ugly on the inside too.
Sandy (13:38):
Yeah, no, obviously I personally could not deal with
any bit of ugliness.
I obviously to your point we'reall shallow to some degree and
we're all.
None of us are perfect and weall probably have a spark of
darkness Inside.
Terrance (13:54):
All of us probably mean more than others but we can
tell by the comments that youmake.
Sandy (14:01):
At the same time, if somebody's showing their
ugliness like their personalityugliness.
Terrance (14:08):
There is what.
Sandy (14:08):
I can't, I can't deal with that.
Terrance (14:10):
Yeah, there is one aspect of attractiveness that I
think that well, that I believethat men and men and women share
and I mentioned this when wehad the conversation about the
characteristics that women lookfor and for men, confidence is
very, very attractive.
(14:31):
When a woman is confident andshe's about herself, and by that
what I mean is she Knows whoshe is, she knows what she wants
and, on top of that, shedoesn't rely on any external
factors to have to tell her thatshe is who she is.
(14:54):
That is extremely attractive.
Sandy (14:57):
Okay.
Terrance (14:58):
The other part about that, too, is when someone is
very confident, the way thatthey carry themselves is also
very attractive, because whenyou're confident, it's, and
again, there is a differencebetween being confident and
being conceded.
Sandy (15:12):
I was gonna say obnoxious but when?
Terrance (15:17):
When you're confident in yourself mm-hmm you don't
have to go overboard becauseyou're not putting on a show for
anybody.
Yeah, you are who you are.
You can be confident and behumble.
You can be confident andUnderstand that the world is not
all about you.
Confidence is not concededness.
Right and when someoneunderstands who they are and, at
(15:38):
the same time, they understandthat there are things in this
world that far exceed what thenormal or what the petty stuff
is, that is extremely attractive, and I think those
characteristics a lot of men arelooking for when they start
Searching for a partner.
Sandy (15:58):
Yeah, no, I'm thinking too late.
Confidence I know I'm not gonnabe the center of anybody's
everybody's universe, I shouldsay but I am at least the center
of my own and that's what it isI mean to think about.
Terrance (16:14):
That is, you know, as long as you're not the center of
your own by yourself, right,you can be the center of your
own world and have the otherpeople who you pulled into that.
Mm-hmm and and I think that'swhat it's about- yeah, so what
do you?
Sandy (16:31):
so?
What do you think about peoplewho do Not do?
Terrance (16:36):
what do you think about people who you people,
with some of women, go ahead sayit.
Sandy (16:40):
Get like a ton of plastic surgery.
Do you think that that ishelpful or detrimental?
Because you know the plasticsurgery could be there to help
boost their confidence.
So maybe that they do have theconfidence now, maybe they
didn't before, I don't know.
I feel like that's a slipperyslope so you?
Terrance (16:59):
I tend not to comment on stuff like that, right?
Because you never know whatsomeone is actually thinking,
and I think that differentthings make different people
happy.
If the question is do I prefersomeone who has had plastic
surgery done, then the answer tothat is no.
Look, you know, I use thisphrase and I tend not to say it
(17:22):
because I got some things thatare going on.
I believe in the imperfectionof being perfect, or the
perfection of being imperfect,and by that what I mean is
accepting yourself for who youare and understand that listen,
nobody's perfect.
But when you accept who you areand you understand that, okay,
(17:43):
well, I am, what is the word I'mlooking for?
I am deserving of everythingthat comes to me, and when I say
everything, I'm talking aboutall the positive things.
All the positive things.
I'm confident in who I am.
I'm confident in mycapabilities.
I don't need any other stuff.
That is what I find attractive.
(18:04):
Now, some people may beconfident and just wanna change
a look, and they may be changingit for confidence.
Well, they may just be changingit, just because they like
something a particular way.
That's their choice and theirreason, right?
So, whatever their reason, it'stheir reason.
(18:24):
I just don't believe that youhave to do something like that
for your confidence, and maybeand again, there are people who
may not be doing it forconfidence.
Sandy (18:36):
Yeah, no, I think, like I said, it's a slippery slope,
right.
Like I think if somebody doessomething to boost their
confidence once, like hey, youknow what, I'm a confident
person, but whatever, blank, Ireally wish that this looked
differently.
I just think it becomes anissue if they keep on doing it,
(18:57):
cause then that's not aconfidence booster.
I think that's where you starttowing the line, where, okay,
well, you're almost like needingtoo many confidence boosters.
Terrance (19:09):
Yeah, but again, I can't sit here and say that
people are doing that forconfidence.
Only each individual actuallyknows that, as an example, one
situation.
people do it obviously for alldifferent reasons, but yeah, so
I'm getting away from theplastic surgery that, as you
(19:31):
mentioned over there.
So, again, I talked aboutfoundationally characteristics
that men look for and just likewomen.
There are some pillars that Ithrew in some categories, and
one of those is, I think, for me, one of the things that, or one
of the characteristics that Ilook for in women is the ability
(19:51):
to be social.
As you know, I am a socialbutterfly at times, yes, and
when I say be social, what Imean is you gotta have the
skills and the ability to beable to communicate people who
you may come in contact with,with your partner.
Sandy (20:08):
It's just not socially awkward.
Terrance (20:11):
Well, this is not about being socially affected.
Again, listen, I don't know whyyou go down these tunnels where
I gotta keep pulling you back.
Sandy (20:24):
Well, to me, I think, there is different perspectives,
or even different levels.
Terrance (20:31):
There's a spectrum when you start talking about
being social.
Sandy (20:34):
You know, I feel like I am a weird situation because I
am social, but not socially atthe same time.
Well, let me tell you about.
Terrance (20:45):
Let me talk about the social, these spectrums of
sociability, when I'm talkingabout trying to find in a
partner Again one I mentionedabout the communication and
being able to have the skillsand the ability to have a
conversation with thoseindividuals who you may come in
contact while you're around thatperson.
(21:07):
Right, I'm talking about theskills that are essential for
building and maintaining arelationship.
Sandy (21:17):
Yeah, okay.
Terrance (21:19):
Right, and so that's one aspect of the spectrum.
Another aspect of the spectrumis adaptability.
So situations change and youmay enter into a situation, a
social situation, and it mightbe one way and then it may go
left or right.
And if you can't adapt and youcan't adjust your communication
(21:42):
style or you can't adjust theway you interact, then we're
gonna be at a crossroad, right?
I think adaptability is a bigaspect of that social spectrum,
because now we're talking aboutbeing able to take your behavior
and your attitude and all otherstuff and shape it to the
context of the stuff that'sactually happening around you.
Sandy (22:06):
Right, it's not changing you necessarily, but you might
not behave the same way, youknow, in a social family get
together versus a formal girl.
Terrance (22:18):
Yeah yeah, why are you laughing so much?
Sandy (22:23):
I don't know, I'm trying to.
I'm picturing some of thecrossover, so it's in my mind
that it's making me laugh.
Terrance (22:32):
Yeah, we're gonna have to find a device to put on your
head so we can see the imagesthat you see when you talk,
because you sure do a whole lotof laughing when you start
talking about some of thesethings.
Now let's talk about oneadditional aspect of that social
spectrum, and that'sdisposition.
(22:52):
You gotta have a pleasingdisposition, and let me explain
what I mean by that.
You can't be walking around allangry at the world at all times
.
You have to be able to putyourself in a situation where
people are Easy, people find youapproachable.
Sandy (23:19):
I could stop laughing, not because I have a picture in
my head, but you know, it justreminds me of the conversations
that when I tell people that I'mnot, I'm not always like very
social, but then everybody'slike, but you talk to everybody.
Terrance (23:36):
You do talk to everybody.
Sandy (23:37):
No, everybody talks to me Like.
People just approach me all thetime and start having
conversations.
Terrance (23:43):
And you just pick right up and just kick it with
them.
Sandy (23:46):
I do yeah, absolutely.
Terrance (23:48):
Which is not a bad thing.
Sandy (23:49):
So I did laugh when you just said that, because I guess
I'm very approachable.
Terrance (23:55):
Yeah, you are very approachable.
That's funny story.
Funny story Kate, who I workwith, came to M&A and I'm not
that's the only name that I'mgonna use.
She said yeah, so-and-so cameup to me and he said that they
were very happy you didsomething for them and they
(24:16):
wanted to give you a hug, butyou just didn't look
approachable.
I'm like, well, that's good.
Sandy (24:22):
That's good.
Terrance (24:23):
I don't wanna be approachable in those situations
.
But you know, one of the otherpillars that for me is important
when we talk aboutcharacteristics of a partner is
intelligence.
And you don't have to be AlbertEinstein, you don't have to be
a genius, but you gotta havesome level of intelligence.
(24:44):
If I can't have an intelligentconversation with you, then it
ain't gonna work.
If all we can talk about is aTV show or what you saw on
social media, then it's just notgonna work.
You gotta be able to contributeto stimulating conversations in
(25:06):
the relationship for it to workfor me.
Sandy (25:09):
So you mean somebody who you can have a podcast with.
Terrance (25:15):
As long as they're contributing to stimulating
conversation.
Sandy (25:20):
But how do you define creativity and intelligence,
Like obviously sometimes thoseare Well, creativity is not one
that I put on there.
I know.
Terrance (25:29):
I said intelligence the way I define intelligence.
Again, you have to be able tocontribute to an actual
stimulating conversation.
That means you gotta be able toformulate an opinion on
something and it has to be morethan the usual social media or
drama stuff that's actuallyhappening in the world.
(25:52):
You gotta be able to help.
Well, you have to be able tocontribute to the
problem-solving aspect of arelationship or a partnership.
And when I talk aboutintelligence, one aspect too,
that is a big portion of thatpillar that I can't forget about
is when we talked about whatmen, what women, look for.
(26:13):
I think one of the points thatwe talked about, one of the
characteristics we mentioned,was emotional availability.
From the side of men, or atleast for me, emotional
stability is huge.
I need someone who's balanced.
I need someone who, emotionally, you can have emotions but you
(26:40):
can maintain a decorum and notbe here one day and then all the
way down here the next day Forno reason.
Yes, and particularly under Imean particularly under duress.
I need someone who is going tobecome, because if you're not
emotionally stable and asituation arises whether it's a
(27:01):
situation between you and yourpartner in a relationship or
whatever if I gotta worry aboutyou being all over here and I
gotta bring you down or bringyou up, then that's where all my
time is going to go and thatdoesn't leave time for us to
actually try to deal withwhatever is causing that duress.
Sandy (27:22):
Well, I'm feeling it's emotional, exhausting.
Terrance (27:26):
Oh, I want to feel it.
Sandy (27:27):
I'm sitting having to either, like you said, taking
people down and calming themdown, or bringing them up and
massaging their ego, maybe, orsomething, I don't know.
Whatever is causing them to bedown.
Terrance (27:45):
It's, just it's exhausting.
When someone is extremely on thenegative side when something
happens.
It is exhausting trying to dealwith someone who has those
feelings.
And I'm not saying you have tobe happy, go lucky all the time.
You gotta have a sense ofbalance and balance means that
(28:08):
when you may be here, but againyou can get to here.
So you know you balance thatstuff out.
I think that's really important.
So when I talk about thepillars of characteristics, when
I look for, or when men lookfor, a partner, I think that's
also a big aspect of it.
Sandy (28:30):
No, I could not imagine.
I feel like that's, you know, abig one and I'm surprised we
didn't even talk about it withmen.
I know we talked about theemotional availability, of the
emotional availability.
Terrance (28:46):
Availability.
We talked about the emotionalavailability.
I think it's.
Sandy (28:49):
But we didn't really talk about stable.
Terrance (28:52):
Well, I believe that's because men and women look for
different things.
Sandy (28:55):
Yeah, no, I think from the women's perspective, like
the mentions, but I feel likethat's still important, even for
the people.
Terrance (29:00):
Nah.
Sandy (29:01):
You don't think so.
Terrance (29:02):
No, because women like crazy.
I mean I think women like crazy, not all women, obviously not
all women.
And again, because we'retalking about men today, like I
said, there's some men who don'twant someone who's ambitious.
I think that there are some menwho may want some control, and
so when you start talking aboutthese different aspects, about,
(29:24):
you know, emotional stabilityand things like that, they may
not want those, but overall, forthe most part, I do believe
that you know, from theperspective of men, they want
someone who's emotionally stable.
Sandy (29:36):
Yeah.
Terrance (29:37):
Most women are emotionally available, and so
that's why I think where thecharacteristics differ, when we
talk about men and women.
Now, when we were talking aboutwhat women were looking for,
that last piece of the puzzle Icalled the spice, but for men
that last piece is I basicallycall it the bonus.
Right, because when you startlooking at what they're looking
(30:00):
for, what we're looking for fromthe foundational perspective
and what those pillars are,everything else that after that
is bonus.
Yeah, when I talk about thebonus, there are certain
qualities that basically add asense of joy and stability for
men in a relationship.
Sandy (30:15):
So this is the cherry on top.
Terrance (30:17):
This is basically the cherry on top, and you know, one
of those cherries is when awoman is dependable.
Ok, that's joyous.
And so think about it.
When the situation arises, youwant someone who's gonna be
reliable.
Regardless of what thesituation is, you want someone
(30:40):
who's gonna be reliable.
That means that the burden ofhandling the situation is not
always solely on you.
Sandy (30:48):
Okay.
Terrance (30:49):
You know what I mean.
So not just somebody that hasyour back, but somebody that
Well, listen, when you starttalking about someone being
dependable, that means they arereliable in those situations,
that means they are supportive,but, more importantly, that also
means that they're consistent.
Right, and we start talkingabout consistency.
(31:11):
When you have someone who isreliable and consistent, now you
know that it's not gonna be asituation where one day they are
supportive and the next daythey're not.
Yeah, it's regardless of whathappens.
They got your back in it andthey're gonna consistently be
supportive.
(31:31):
That is a huge cherry.
Sandy (31:35):
Jesus Christ, I don't personally like Maraschino
cherries, but no one said it wasa Maraschino cherry.
But I can see that that is.
I feel like that would evenhave played well with what women
(31:57):
look for men too.
I think we might have touchedon that one.
I think we so I can see thatyeah, that's really important.
Terrance (32:07):
Yeah, let me get to this and let me get to this last
bonus, because we gotta getover your case of the giggles.
So, in addition to someonehaving that characteristic of
being dependable I put this inthe bonus section, but for me
this is very, very important.
You gotta be mature, you gottahave a level of maturity, and
(32:33):
when I talk about maturity justlike I talked about when we were
talking about characteristicsthat women look for, I'm talking
about emotional maturity andI'm talking about mental
maturity.
Okay, we gotta be at least ableto communicate emotionally and
mentally at a level that is, atthe level of adults.
Sandy (32:54):
Okay, most of the time at least, because I know I can be
immature.
Terrance (33:00):
You mean like, never mind, I'm not going to get into
it.
Yes, most of the time, most ofthe time, someone who is able to
emotionally be stable enough tokeep the lines of communication
open when something goes wrong.
Right, because I talked aboutthat whole emotional stability
piece.
(33:20):
But being mature means that youcan maintain that when a
situation arises, right, whenthat duress happens, and you
need to maintain that, and youhave to be able to be able to
make responsible decisions.
Yeah, and by that what I meanis you know when you're in a
(33:42):
relationship, you're in apartnership.
Sandy (33:44):
Mm-hmm.
Terrance (33:45):
And in some cases you're going to make decisions
as you know a partnership but inother cases you're going to
have to make a decision on yourown.
Sandy (33:53):
That's just the way things go, you mean because
you're not attached at the hipto a person.
Terrance (33:57):
It's not that you're not attached at the hip, but you
might be out, I mean like youknow, you're not together every
second of the day.
Exactly so.
You have to be able to makedecisions for yourself, yeah,
and so if we're not together andyou go out and you spend
$100,000 on a spoon, then that'sit.
Oh, I have to be able to knowthat you're going to be mature
(34:21):
enough and responsible enough tomake smart decisions.
Sandy (34:25):
I was going to do that tomorrow.
Terrance (34:27):
Yeah, well, you're not going to get the opportunity to
do that.
So, you know, during this wholeconversation, you know we
talked about the characteristicsthat you know there's one that
I was surprised that I didn'tsee on this one.
What's that?
Sandy (34:40):
Nurturing.
Terrance (34:42):
No, nurturing wouldn't be on there, and I'll tell you
why Mothers are nurturing.
Think about that for a second.
It depends on who the man is.
Sandy (34:51):
Yeah.
Terrance (34:52):
I'm not looking for someone to nurture me, right.
Sandy (34:56):
Yeah, but no, I didn't mean it necessarily in the sense
of like to the person.
But you know, sometimes whenyou're trying to find somebody,
you're also looking for who youcan raise a family with and
things of that nature.
That's true, yeah.
Terrance (35:12):
But again, it depends on what your goal is.
Sandy (35:14):
True.
Terrance (35:15):
Right, so when you're first looking for a partner
again, we had I think that wouldhave been more worked in if we
were talking about, you know,the last episode where we were
talking about that potential.
Sandy (35:28):
Yeah.
Terrance (35:29):
Right.
So, characteristically, whenI'm looking for a partner, I
don't know if nurturing is oneof those things, because I got
to get to know someone first andsee if that's a characteristic
that they may have.
Sandy (35:41):
Well, and that's why it was great that you were in a
Momma's Boy.
Terrance (35:48):
Well for you.
Sandy (35:49):
Exactly.
Terrance (35:52):
Anyway, just like with women, understanding what men
want is about findingequilibrium, and again,
everyone's perspective isdifferent and not all men are
going to be looking for the samething, but I do think that
there are some characteristicsthat, on a whole, men look for,
(36:14):
that on a whole, that aresimilar to some of the things
that women look for, but at thesame time, I do think there are
some differences between theideas of what a man looks for
when he's looking for a partnerand what a woman looks for.
Now let's get into my weeklyreflection.
(36:35):
Someone will always have anopinion on what you should or
should not do, but only you cancontrol whatever decision it is
that you're going to make.
Just be sure that the decisionyou make is one that you can
actually live with in the longrun.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch With Sandy podcast.
(36:57):
Be sure to follow and leavefeedback Until next time.
Stay well.
Announcer (37:03):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch With
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
tiktok and Twitter at Lunch WithSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch With Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intovarious topics and offer
insights from the perspective ofa married couple.
I'm Terrance.
Sandy (00:54):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:56):
And today we're going to discuss some characteristics
that men look for when choosinga partner.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow the
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
You can also follow us on allsocial media at lunch with Sandy
.
Speaking of Sandy, let's seehow she's doing, sitting over
(01:19):
there wrapped up like a old ladywho is freezing to death.
Sandy (01:25):
I am.
It's chilly today.
Terrance (01:30):
I was actually outside .
It wasn't that bad.
The sun started coming out.
I thought it was going to beall cloudy today.
I don't know how it is rightnow, but earlier the sun was out
and it was nice.
It was a bunch of people outthere walking.
Sandy (01:42):
I did not see the sunshine today, unfortunately.
I went for a run.
It was cloudy and then Old lady.
Terrance (01:55):
A couple of weeks ago, we had a conversation and we
were talking aboutcharacteristics that some women
look for when they're lookingfor a partner.
And today we're going to flipthe script and we're going to
talk about some of thecharacteristics that men look
for.
But before I get into that, Ijust want to make sure that I
let everyone understand thatWell, not let everyone
understand.
I want to make the statementthat I do understand that
(02:17):
everyone is different, so Ican't categorize all men into
one grouping when we talk aboutcharacteristics that they look
for.
Sandy (02:28):
Did you take a poll with some of these things, or?
Terrance (02:31):
I didn't have to take a poll.
Sandy (02:33):
Man, you felt like you were.
Terrance (02:35):
I'm more than man enough to answer this question
for all the men in the world.
Sandy (02:39):
I don't yes.
Terrance (02:41):
You're not going to allow your response to that, I'm
not.
Sandy (02:45):
I don't know how I can offer.
Terrance (02:51):
So here's something you can offer before I even get
into this, because, again, Ithink men and women are
different in some ways.
But do you think that men andwomen look for the same thing
when they're choosing a partner,speaking just from the
perspective of what they lookfor characteristically?
Sandy (03:15):
I don't know.
I think to some degree,probably Right.
I think, I feel like there aresome that are going to be
overlapping, for sure.
Terrance (03:25):
I think that, when you know, when we had this
conversation a couple of weeksago, I talked about the pieces
and what the pieces are made up.
I think that when we, when wetalk about what men are looking
for from the perspective ofcharacteristics, I think, just
as with women, there's afoundational aspect of what it
(03:47):
is that they're looking for.
Sandy (03:49):
Well, obviously I'm going to have all the characteristics
, but yeah, there is.
Terrance (03:53):
Well, we'll see about that.
We'll see about that.
And again, everyone isdifferent and I'll try to touch
on a number of different aspects.
But, I think, when we talkabout the foundational portion
of what men Look for whenchoosing a partner and again,
(04:16):
this is not all men, but theones who are like me- that's the
majority right.
Nope, it's not, I think.
When we talk about thatfoundational aspect of what men
are looking for, I think it'smade up of Certain pieces, and I
think one of the biggest piecesis when men start looking for
characteristics in a woman or or.
(04:37):
One of the things that attractsmen to particular woman is
ambition.
Mm-hmm right, and when I sayambition, I'm talking about the
fact that we want someone whohas a Particular.
We're looking for someone whohas some drive.
Yeah when you start talkingabout building anything, you
(05:01):
don't want to have to dragsomeone along with you right.
Sandy (05:04):
So you know, I mean like ambition, specifically where
they're trying to work like 12hour days.
I mean.
Terrance (05:13):
I don't think that that's ambition.
I think that you know, thenumber of hours you work doesn't
really correlate to ambition.
You know, we look for something, what I look for someone who
has strong work at it, but atthe same time, I want someone
who's gonna have goals.
They're gonna be driven toachieve those goals and when I
talk about ambition, that's whatI'm talking about.
(05:34):
You got to have, you have, youhave to have a purpose, and your
purpose has to be more than I'mjust gonna sit around and watch
you do stuff.
Sandy (05:43):
Yeah well, I I obviously know that you don't like it when
people give up.
It's not so much that.
Terrance (05:51):
I.
Sandy (05:51):
Be like it's opposite of ambition, like right, if you're
always giving up on things likeyou're not even Trying your best
so that's lack of motivation,or Discipline okay you can be
very ambitious and not achieveanything.
Terrance (06:10):
That's true.
So when you talk about ambition, there's a piece that goes that
.
I mean there's pieces that goalong with it.
But what I don't like is Idon't like.
It's not that I don't like it.
My expectation, or my goal isfor people to realize their
potential, and you don't realizeyour potential.
Staying in that comfortablespace.
(06:30):
Right, and I'm gonna use astory, and the story is about
you.
When we ran that half marathon.
Mm-hmm in Pennsylvania.
Sandy (06:41):
Yeah.
Terrance (06:42):
You weren't being very ambitious and let me explain to
you what I mean.
You were on pace to Shatteryour personal record and I
didn't say anything for most ofthe race.
And when we got to a pointwhere I did say something, you
got real comfortable.
Now I know what you're gonnasay.
You're gonna say my compartmentsyndrome started to kick in.
(07:07):
But here's my response to allof that.
Pain is temporary.
But my response to all that isthis, and I say this all the
time the body does what the mindtells it.
Sandy (07:19):
So, mentally, if you start telling yourself, nah, I
ain't got this, then you don'thave it, so that's, that's not
but you're right, I did startquestioning myself because I did
start when it did start kickingin and I was in pain.
The question that was runningthrough my mind is am I even
gonna be able to finish thisbecause of all the amount of
(07:41):
pain that I was in?
So no, you're right to somedegree.
Terrance (07:46):
Of course I am Just not all of it.
Well, you know, I did again.
I don't think that, I don'tthink that you know what you can
accomplish if you tell yourselfthat you Can't do it.
And I understand that pain isreal, but at the same time, well
, you are, say that I couldn'taccomplish it.
Sandy (08:07):
I was questioning whether I could.
Terrance (08:09):
I'm gonna tell you.
You said you weren't going todo it.
And I'll tell you, I'm gonnagive you a perfect example.
Remember when I said, okay,when we hit mile 11, we're gonna
pick it up?
Do you remember what yourresponse was?
Sandy (08:20):
I'll wait till mile 13.
Terrance (08:22):
Yo, you said nope, I'm gonna wait till mile 13.
You actually said nope.
Sandy (08:26):
I'm gonna wait till mile 13.
Terrance (08:28):
For all those who don't understand, a half
marathon is 13.1 miles, so thatmeans you wanted to wait until
you had a tenth of a mile leftbefore you actually started
picking it up or putting somemore spice into that race there.
Sandy (08:45):
Well, you know I don't want to get too far down the
road, but I feel like at leastthat did show a different
quality that hopefully you dofind.
Terrance (08:58):
Listen when, when, when I talk about a vision and I
talk about someone who has astrong work work ethic.
What?
You do, and this is not aboutyou but someone who has a strong
work ethic, someone who hasthat drive to achieve goals and
someone who can bring a sense ofpurpose and motivation into the
relationship, where I Don'thave to actually provide that
(09:21):
purpose and provide thatmotivation at all times.
Sandy (09:24):
Yeah Well, yeah, no, and I agree, like you do need to
have that self motivation right,like you can't always depend on
other people for that.
So I feel like if you do, thatwould probably be a turnoff.
Terrance (09:44):
Wait, oh, if you have to provide that you don't want
to provide it all the time 100%,if you have to, if you have to
provide that all the time it isTurn off.
And now when we start talkingabout you know I'm gonna take a
step back and I'll get to thisother point.
We talk about what men look forand I start talking about the
foundation.
For me, ambition is is clearlyat the top, but again, I
(10:08):
mentioned this in the lastepisode as human beings were
shallow, so there is a sense ofattractiveness that has to be
part of that foundation.
And when I say attractiveness,I don't always mean physical
appearance, right, soattractiveness is made up of.
It comes across in manydifferent ways intellectually,
(10:30):
right, emotionally.
There are a number of thingsthat actually make up the aspect
when I talk aboutattractiveness, because I'm
talking about going beyond looks.
Now, when I say I'm talkingabout going beyond looks, I'm
speaking for myself and many whohave the same.
Sandy (10:49):
But again, there are people who want trophy wives.
I get it.
Terrance (10:52):
There are people who want trophy wives.
There are people who don't wanta Partner who has ambition.
They just want to be able tocontrol them.
But we're not talking aboutthose people there because I'm a
positive individual and I keepthings on the positive side.
Sandy (11:06):
But and I feel like the attractiveness is the one that I
think does overlap between menand women, right, I think there
needs to be some a level ofAttractiveness.
Like you can't think that thisis the most disgusting person
you ever seen why do you alwaysgot to go so?
Far to the left.
Terrance (11:23):
Listen, you always go so far to the left.
I agree what you say.
Sandy (11:26):
I think most women, I think, are also Not a shallow.
Terrance (11:32):
We tend it's what I will give you this.
What I will say is this when westart talking about
attractiveness, I think thatwomen have more of a range than
men do, and by that what I meanis there are certain men.
When you talk aboutattractiveness, they're just
talking about the physicalappearance and even from the
(11:52):
perspective of if I go left,like you did, I think Women have
more range when we talk aboutthat physical parents than men
do leeway range yeah, we whenyou, when you hear, and so.
So when I start talking aboutBeyond looks, I am talking about
you know the mental aspects.
I am talking about thepersonality.
(12:13):
Now You're typically, whensomeone says she has a great
personality, you know what thatmeans.
Sandy (12:19):
Connotation behind that is you know, from a physical
perspective, she is not all theway there well, yeah, well, to
your point, I I I Certainlywouldn't want somebody, and I'm
not gonna speak for all women,but personally I wouldn't want
somebody who's ugly on theinside, no matter how attractive
(12:41):
that they are on the outside.
Terrance (12:42):
Well, there's a lot of ugly people on the inside.
Sandy (12:45):
So the question, the question becomes how long it
takes you to see how ugly theyare on the inside, because like
that whole, like I Can'tremember that whole chart
diagram type situation whereAttractiveness and craziness I
think it's also the sameattractiveness and ugliness on
(13:05):
the inside.
You have to find, like that,balance between the two.
Okay how ugly on the inside cansomebody be that it then
becomes too overwhelming?
Terrance (13:15):
I don't want nobody ugly on the inside.
I don't want nobody ugly on theinside.
But that's what it makes methink because you know what the
thing about it is that uglinesson the inside, you know, is ugly
.
Yeah, no you know, I mean it'sone of those things.
But when you start to see whatit is is I mean it's ugly and
then you know right whensomeone's ugly on the inside
that can be contagious, you canbecome ugly on the inside too.
Sandy (13:38):
Yeah, no, obviously I personally could not deal with
any bit of ugliness.
I obviously to your point we'reall shallow to some degree and
we're all.
None of us are perfect and weall probably have a spark of
darkness Inside.
Terrance (13:54):
All of us probably mean more than others but we can
tell by the comments that youmake.
Sandy (14:01):
At the same time, if somebody's showing their
ugliness like their personalityugliness.
Terrance (14:08):
There is what.
Sandy (14:08):
I can't, I can't deal with that.
Terrance (14:10):
Yeah, there is one aspect of attractiveness that I
think that well, that I believethat men and men and women share
and I mentioned this when wehad the conversation about the
characteristics that women lookfor and for men, confidence is
very, very attractive.
(14:31):
When a woman is confident andshe's about herself, and by that
what I mean is she Knows whoshe is, she knows what she wants
and, on top of that, shedoesn't rely on any external
factors to have to tell her thatshe is who she is.
(14:54):
That is extremely attractive.
Sandy (14:57):
Okay.
Terrance (14:58):
The other part about that, too, is when someone is
very confident, the way thatthey carry themselves is also
very attractive, because whenyou're confident, it's, and
again, there is a differencebetween being confident and
being conceded.
Sandy (15:12):
I was gonna say obnoxious but when?
Terrance (15:17):
When you're confident in yourself mm-hmm you don't
have to go overboard becauseyou're not putting on a show for
anybody.
Yeah, you are who you are.
You can be confident and behumble.
You can be confident andUnderstand that the world is not
all about you.
Confidence is not concededness.
Right and when someoneunderstands who they are and, at
(15:38):
the same time, they understandthat there are things in this
world that far exceed what thenormal or what the petty stuff
is, that is extremely attractive, and I think those
characteristics a lot of men arelooking for when they start
Searching for a partner.
Sandy (15:58):
Yeah, no, I'm thinking too late.
Confidence I know I'm not gonnabe the center of anybody's
everybody's universe, I shouldsay but I am at least the center
of my own and that's what it isI mean to think about.
Terrance (16:14):
That is, you know, as long as you're not the center of
your own by yourself, right,you can be the center of your
own world and have the otherpeople who you pulled into that.
Mm-hmm and and I think that'swhat it's about- yeah, so what
do you?
Sandy (16:31):
so?
What do you think about peoplewho do Not do?
Terrance (16:36):
what do you think about people who you people,
with some of women, go ahead sayit.
Sandy (16:40):
Get like a ton of plastic surgery.
Do you think that that ishelpful or detrimental?
Because you know the plasticsurgery could be there to help
boost their confidence.
So maybe that they do have theconfidence now, maybe they
didn't before, I don't know.
I feel like that's a slipperyslope so you?
Terrance (16:59):
I tend not to comment on stuff like that, right?
Because you never know whatsomeone is actually thinking,
and I think that differentthings make different people
happy.
If the question is do I prefersomeone who has had plastic
surgery done, then the answer tothat is no.
Look, you know, I use thisphrase and I tend not to say it
(17:22):
because I got some things thatare going on.
I believe in the imperfectionof being perfect, or the
perfection of being imperfect,and by that what I mean is
accepting yourself for who youare and understand that listen,
nobody's perfect.
But when you accept who you areand you understand that, okay,
(17:43):
well, I am, what is the word I'mlooking for?
I am deserving of everythingthat comes to me, and when I say
everything, I'm talking aboutall the positive things.
All the positive things.
I'm confident in who I am.
I'm confident in mycapabilities.
I don't need any other stuff.
That is what I find attractive.
(18:04):
Now, some people may beconfident and just wanna change
a look, and they may be changingit for confidence.
Well, they may just be changingit, just because they like
something a particular way.
That's their choice and theirreason, right?
So, whatever their reason, it'stheir reason.
(18:24):
I just don't believe that youhave to do something like that
for your confidence, and maybeand again, there are people who
may not be doing it forconfidence.
Sandy (18:36):
Yeah, no, I think, like I said, it's a slippery slope,
right.
Like I think if somebody doessomething to boost their
confidence once, like hey, youknow what, I'm a confident
person, but whatever, blank, Ireally wish that this looked
differently.
I just think it becomes anissue if they keep on doing it,
(18:57):
cause then that's not aconfidence booster.
I think that's where you starttowing the line, where, okay,
well, you're almost like needingtoo many confidence boosters.
Terrance (19:09):
Yeah, but again, I can't sit here and say that
people are doing that forconfidence.
Only each individual actuallyknows that, as an example, one
situation.
people do it obviously for alldifferent reasons, but yeah, so
I'm getting away from theplastic surgery that, as you
(19:31):
mentioned over there.
So, again, I talked aboutfoundationally characteristics
that men look for and just likewomen.
There are some pillars that Ithrew in some categories, and
one of those is, I think, for me, one of the things that, or one
of the characteristics that Ilook for in women is the ability
(19:51):
to be social.
As you know, I am a socialbutterfly at times, yes, and
when I say be social, what Imean is you gotta have the
skills and the ability to beable to communicate people who
you may come in contact with,with your partner.
Sandy (20:08):
It's just not socially awkward.
Terrance (20:11):
Well, this is not about being socially affected.
Again, listen, I don't know whyyou go down these tunnels where
I gotta keep pulling you back.
Sandy (20:24):
Well, to me, I think, there is different perspectives,
or even different levels.
Terrance (20:31):
There's a spectrum when you start talking about
being social.
Sandy (20:34):
You know, I feel like I am a weird situation because I
am social, but not socially atthe same time.
Well, let me tell you about.
Terrance (20:45):
Let me talk about the social, these spectrums of
sociability, when I'm talkingabout trying to find in a
partner Again one I mentionedabout the communication and
being able to have the skillsand the ability to have a
conversation with thoseindividuals who you may come in
contact while you're around thatperson.
(21:07):
Right, I'm talking about theskills that are essential for
building and maintaining arelationship.
Sandy (21:17):
Yeah, okay.
Terrance (21:19):
Right, and so that's one aspect of the spectrum.
Another aspect of the spectrumis adaptability.
So situations change and youmay enter into a situation, a
social situation, and it mightbe one way and then it may go
left or right.
And if you can't adapt and youcan't adjust your communication
(21:42):
style or you can't adjust theway you interact, then we're
gonna be at a crossroad, right?
I think adaptability is a bigaspect of that social spectrum,
because now we're talking aboutbeing able to take your behavior
and your attitude and all otherstuff and shape it to the
context of the stuff that'sactually happening around you.
Sandy (22:06):
Right, it's not changing you necessarily, but you might
not behave the same way, youknow, in a social family get
together versus a formal girl.
Terrance (22:18):
Yeah yeah, why are you laughing so much?
Sandy (22:23):
I don't know, I'm trying to.
I'm picturing some of thecrossover, so it's in my mind
that it's making me laugh.
Terrance (22:32):
Yeah, we're gonna have to find a device to put on your
head so we can see the imagesthat you see when you talk,
because you sure do a whole lotof laughing when you start
talking about some of thesethings.
Now let's talk about oneadditional aspect of that social
spectrum, and that'sdisposition.
(22:52):
You gotta have a pleasingdisposition, and let me explain
what I mean by that.
You can't be walking around allangry at the world at all times
.
You have to be able to putyourself in a situation where
people are Easy, people find youapproachable.
Sandy (23:19):
I could stop laughing, not because I have a picture in
my head, but you know, it justreminds me of the conversations
that when I tell people that I'mnot, I'm not always like very
social, but then everybody'slike, but you talk to everybody.
Terrance (23:36):
You do talk to everybody.
Sandy (23:37):
No, everybody talks to me Like.
People just approach me all thetime and start having
conversations.
Terrance (23:43):
And you just pick right up and just kick it with
them.
Sandy (23:46):
I do yeah, absolutely.
Terrance (23:48):
Which is not a bad thing.
Sandy (23:49):
So I did laugh when you just said that, because I guess
I'm very approachable.
Terrance (23:55):
Yeah, you are very approachable.
That's funny story.
Funny story Kate, who I workwith, came to M&A and I'm not
that's the only name that I'mgonna use.
She said yeah, so-and-so cameup to me and he said that they
were very happy you didsomething for them and they
(24:16):
wanted to give you a hug, butyou just didn't look
approachable.
I'm like, well, that's good.
Sandy (24:22):
That's good.
Terrance (24:23):
I don't wanna be approachable in those situations
.
But you know, one of the otherpillars that for me is important
when we talk aboutcharacteristics of a partner is
intelligence.
And you don't have to be AlbertEinstein, you don't have to be
a genius, but you gotta havesome level of intelligence.
(24:44):
If I can't have an intelligentconversation with you, then it
ain't gonna work.
If all we can talk about is aTV show or what you saw on
social media, then it's just notgonna work.
You gotta be able to contributeto stimulating conversations in
(25:06):
the relationship for it to workfor me.
Sandy (25:09):
So you mean somebody who you can have a podcast with.
Terrance (25:15):
As long as they're contributing to stimulating
conversation.
Sandy (25:20):
But how do you define creativity and intelligence,
Like obviously sometimes thoseare Well, creativity is not one
that I put on there.
I know.
Terrance (25:29):
I said intelligence the way I define intelligence.
Again, you have to be able tocontribute to an actual
stimulating conversation.
That means you gotta be able toformulate an opinion on
something and it has to be morethan the usual social media or
drama stuff that's actuallyhappening in the world.
(25:52):
You gotta be able to help.
Well, you have to be able tocontribute to the
problem-solving aspect of arelationship or a partnership.
And when I talk aboutintelligence, one aspect too,
that is a big portion of thatpillar that I can't forget about
is when we talked about whatmen, what women, look for.
(26:13):
I think one of the points thatwe talked about, one of the
characteristics we mentioned,was emotional availability.
From the side of men, or atleast for me, emotional
stability is huge.
I need someone who's balanced.
I need someone who, emotionally, you can have emotions but you
(26:40):
can maintain a decorum and notbe here one day and then all the
way down here the next day Forno reason.
Yes, and particularly under Imean particularly under duress.
I need someone who is going tobecome, because if you're not
emotionally stable and asituation arises whether it's a
(27:01):
situation between you and yourpartner in a relationship or
whatever if I gotta worry aboutyou being all over here and I
gotta bring you down or bringyou up, then that's where all my
time is going to go and thatdoesn't leave time for us to
actually try to deal withwhatever is causing that duress.
Sandy (27:22):
Well, I'm feeling it's emotional, exhausting.
Terrance (27:26):
Oh, I want to feel it.
Sandy (27:27):
I'm sitting having to either, like you said, taking
people down and calming themdown, or bringing them up and
massaging their ego, maybe, orsomething, I don't know.
Whatever is causing them to bedown.
Terrance (27:45):
It's, just it's exhausting.
When someone is extremely on thenegative side when something
happens.
It is exhausting trying to dealwith someone who has those
feelings.
And I'm not saying you have tobe happy, go lucky all the time.
You gotta have a sense ofbalance and balance means that
(28:08):
when you may be here, but againyou can get to here.
So you know you balance thatstuff out.
I think that's really important.
So when I talk about thepillars of characteristics, when
I look for, or when men lookfor, a partner, I think that's
also a big aspect of it.
Sandy (28:30):
No, I could not imagine.
I feel like that's, you know, abig one and I'm surprised we
didn't even talk about it withmen.
I know we talked about theemotional availability, of the
emotional availability.
Terrance (28:46):
Availability.
We talked about the emotionalavailability.
I think it's.
Sandy (28:49):
But we didn't really talk about stable.
Terrance (28:52):
Well, I believe that's because men and women look for
different things.
Sandy (28:55):
Yeah, no, I think from the women's perspective, like
the mentions, but I feel likethat's still important, even for
the people.
Terrance (29:00):
Nah.
Sandy (29:01):
You don't think so.
Terrance (29:02):
No, because women like crazy.
I mean I think women like crazy, not all women, obviously not
all women.
And again, because we'retalking about men today, like I
said, there's some men who don'twant someone who's ambitious.
I think that there are some menwho may want some control, and
so when you start talking aboutthese different aspects, about,
(29:24):
you know, emotional stabilityand things like that, they may
not want those, but overall, forthe most part, I do believe
that you know, from theperspective of men, they want
someone who's emotionally stable.
Sandy (29:36):
Yeah.
Terrance (29:37):
Most women are emotionally available, and so
that's why I think where thecharacteristics differ, when we
talk about men and women.
Now, when we were talking aboutwhat women were looking for,
that last piece of the puzzle Icalled the spice, but for men
that last piece is I basicallycall it the bonus.
Right, because when you startlooking at what they're looking
(30:00):
for, what we're looking for fromthe foundational perspective
and what those pillars are,everything else that after that
is bonus.
Yeah, when I talk about thebonus, there are certain
qualities that basically add asense of joy and stability for
men in a relationship.
Sandy (30:15):
So this is the cherry on top.
Terrance (30:17):
This is basically the cherry on top, and you know, one
of those cherries is when awoman is dependable.
Ok, that's joyous.
And so think about it.
When the situation arises, youwant someone who's gonna be
reliable.
Regardless of what thesituation is, you want someone
(30:40):
who's gonna be reliable.
That means that the burden ofhandling the situation is not
always solely on you.
Sandy (30:48):
Okay.
Terrance (30:49):
You know what I mean.
So not just somebody that hasyour back, but somebody that
Well, listen, when you starttalking about someone being
dependable, that means they arereliable in those situations,
that means they are supportive,but, more importantly, that also
means that they're consistent.
Right, and we start talkingabout consistency.
(31:11):
When you have someone who isreliable and consistent, now you
know that it's not gonna be asituation where one day they are
supportive and the next daythey're not.
Yeah, it's regardless of whathappens.
They got your back in it andthey're gonna consistently be
supportive.
(31:31):
That is a huge cherry.
Sandy (31:35):
Jesus Christ, I don't personally like Maraschino
cherries, but no one said it wasa Maraschino cherry.
But I can see that that is.
I feel like that would evenhave played well with what women
(31:57):
look for men too.
I think we might have touchedon that one.
I think we so I can see thatyeah, that's really important.
Terrance (32:07):
Yeah, let me get to this and let me get to this last
bonus, because we gotta getover your case of the giggles.
So, in addition to someonehaving that characteristic of
being dependable I put this inthe bonus section, but for me
this is very, very important.
You gotta be mature, you gottahave a level of maturity, and
(32:33):
when I talk about maturity justlike I talked about when we were
talking about characteristicsthat women look for, I'm talking
about emotional maturity andI'm talking about mental
maturity.
Okay, we gotta be at least ableto communicate emotionally and
mentally at a level that is, atthe level of adults.
Sandy (32:54):
Okay, most of the time at least, because I know I can be
immature.
Terrance (33:00):
You mean like, never mind, I'm not going to get into
it.
Yes, most of the time, most ofthe time, someone who is able to
emotionally be stable enough tokeep the lines of communication
open when something goes wrong.
Right, because I talked aboutthat whole emotional stability
piece.
(33:20):
But being mature means that youcan maintain that when a
situation arises, right, whenthat duress happens, and you
need to maintain that, and youhave to be able to be able to
make responsible decisions.
Yeah, and by that what I meanis you know when you're in a
(33:42):
relationship, you're in apartnership.
Sandy (33:44):
Mm-hmm.
Terrance (33:45):
And in some cases you're going to make decisions
as you know a partnership but inother cases you're going to
have to make a decision on yourown.
Sandy (33:53):
That's just the way things go, you mean because
you're not attached at the hipto a person.
Terrance (33:57):
It's not that you're not attached at the hip, but you
might be out, I mean like youknow, you're not together every
second of the day.
Exactly so.
You have to be able to makedecisions for yourself, yeah,
and so if we're not together andyou go out and you spend
$100,000 on a spoon, then that'sit.
Oh, I have to be able to knowthat you're going to be mature
(34:21):
enough and responsible enough tomake smart decisions.
Sandy (34:25):
I was going to do that tomorrow.
Terrance (34:27):
Yeah, well, you're not going to get the opportunity to
do that.
So, you know, during this wholeconversation, you know we
talked about the characteristicsthat you know there's one that
I was surprised that I didn'tsee on this one.
What's that?
Sandy (34:40):
Nurturing.
Terrance (34:42):
No, nurturing wouldn't be on there, and I'll tell you
why Mothers are nurturing.
Think about that for a second.
It depends on who the man is.
Sandy (34:51):
Yeah.
Terrance (34:52):
I'm not looking for someone to nurture me, right.
Sandy (34:56):
Yeah, but no, I didn't mean it necessarily in the sense
of like to the person.
But you know, sometimes whenyou're trying to find somebody,
you're also looking for who youcan raise a family with and
things of that nature.
That's true, yeah.
Terrance (35:12):
But again, it depends on what your goal is.
Sandy (35:14):
True.
Terrance (35:15):
Right, so when you're first looking for a partner
again, we had I think that wouldhave been more worked in if we
were talking about, you know,the last episode where we were
talking about that potential.
Sandy (35:28):
Yeah.
Terrance (35:29):
Right.
So, characteristically, whenI'm looking for a partner, I
don't know if nurturing is oneof those things, because I got
to get to know someone first andsee if that's a characteristic
that they may have.
Sandy (35:41):
Well, and that's why it was great that you were in a
Momma's Boy.
Terrance (35:48):
Well for you.
Sandy (35:49):
Exactly.
Terrance (35:52):
Anyway, just like with women, understanding what men
want is about findingequilibrium, and again,
everyone's perspective isdifferent and not all men are
going to be looking for the samething, but I do think that
there are some characteristicsthat, on a whole, men look for,
(36:14):
that on a whole, that aresimilar to some of the things
that women look for, but at thesame time, I do think there are
some differences between theideas of what a man looks for
when he's looking for a partnerand what a woman looks for.
Now let's get into my weeklyreflection.
(36:35):
Someone will always have anopinion on what you should or
should not do, but only you cancontrol whatever decision it is
that you're going to make.
Just be sure that the decisionyou make is one that you can
actually live with in the longrun.
Thank you for joining us on theLunch With Sandy podcast.
(36:57):
Be sure to follow and leavefeedback Until next time.
Stay well.
Announcer (37:03):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch With
Sandy podcast.
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