April 20, 2024 • 53 mins
Have you ever spotted a couple with a noticeable age gap and found your curiosity piqued? Sandy and I, certainly have, and we're spilling the beans on everything age-gap related on the latest Lunch with Sandy podcast. With an aim to deconstruct the myths and societal judgments that surround age-disparate relationships, our conversation navigates through personal anecdotes, the impact of financial disparities, and the importance of mutual respect and understanding.
This episode isn't just about the challenges; it's also about the unexpected joys and learning experiences that such partnerships bring. From the rich tapestry of knowledge an older partner offers, to the fresh perspectives and vitality of a younger one, we explore how these relationships are as multifaceted as they are scrutinized. Join us as we candidly share how differing life stages can influence aspirations and responsibilities, and why recognizing the value of communication is a cornerstone for bridging any gap—age-related or otherwise.
As we wrap up, Sandy and I reflect on the core essence of relationships with significant age differences—love. We celebrate the diversity of experience and the depth of connection that transcends the years. So, whether you're in an age-gap relationship, know someone who is, or are simply fascinated by the dynamics at play, this episode offers a heart-to-heart on finding common ground amidst the unique complexities. Remember, tune into the Lunch with Sandy podcast for insights that just might cast your own relationships in a new light.
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Episode Transcript
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Announcer (00:00):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
terrence and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, terrence andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intodifferent topics and offer
insight from the perspective ofa married couple.
I'm Terrence.
Sandy (00:52):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:53):
And today we're going to be discussing the topic of
age difference in a relationship.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow the
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also, be sure to follow us onall social media at Lunch with
Sandy.
Also, Sandy, I don't know ifyou've noticed this, but I've
(01:15):
set up the YouTube channelthat's YouTube at Lunch with
Sandy dot com, where you canalso listen to all of the
episodes we have recorded so far.
Now let's get into Sandy,sitting across me with this
blanket, like she is a old lady.
How are you feeling today?
Sandy (01:34):
Sandy Good.
However, I was taking Jax for awalk and it decided to rain, so
yes, I'm a little chilly andwet.
Terrance (01:44):
This is why you got your buddy, alexa.
You got to ask her, alexa, whenis the rain coming?
Sandy (01:52):
The sun was out when I left.
I really didn't think I had toworry about the rain.
Terrance (01:55):
You know this New England weather, you never know
what you're going to get, whichI'm kind of concerned because
you know, tomorrow I got to flyout to DC.
Sandy (02:03):
I was going to say because we had an earthquake
yesterday no, that was not.
Terrance (02:11):
I didn't feel anything .
I know that.
Um, who was it?
I think court texted us becausehe said he felt it.
He said y'all feel that, likewhat he was like earthquake.
Dave said he felt it, but a lotof people didn't feel it.
Sandy (02:24):
I don't think I did.
Terrance (02:27):
But that's not why I'm concerned when I go to DC.
You know, when I go to DCthere's always something.
Sandy (02:32):
Yeah.
Terrance (02:33):
And it's never really, although one time it was a
problem getting there, Typically.
Well, you know what?
I can't say?
That there's always something.
It is both.
Sandy (02:40):
It is both.
Terrance (02:41):
It is both Getting there and getting back.
Yeah, it is both.
Last time when I came back, myflight was delayed like an hour
and a half, and I'm hoping thatthat doesn't happen this time
around.
But I do believe you haveDanielle on standby, yep, and
she's going to pick her up onThursday because Thursday, yep,
all right.
(03:01):
So, oh, did you ever answer thequestion?
Oh yeah, that's right.
You sitting over there with theblanket, all right?
So I'm a little off because I'mtired.
We party until dawn last nightand you know what happens when
you stay up late.
I still wake up at four in themorning to do this stuff and I
(03:21):
say I probably nap for maybe 15minutes today.
Sandy (03:25):
We're definitely not in our 20s anymore, where we can
just power through.
Terrance (03:31):
Well, you know I'm doing pretty good for as late as
I went to bed last night.
Sandy (03:36):
Yeah.
Terrance (03:38):
Yeah, you're doing pretty good I'm.
You know I'm vintage.
Yep, they didn't put me back inthe box in time, so, speaking
of vintage, Then again, thoughAyla is sleeping right now.
Sandy (03:47):
Yeah, I know.
Terrance (03:48):
Them young bucks.
They can't hang.
They can't hang, not yet.
So today I wanted to talk aboutage and specifically, I want to
talk about a situation wherethere is a large gap in the age
difference between two people ina relationship.
There is a large gap in the agedifference between two people
in a relationship.
I'm trying to remember where Iwas, but I think it was, and
(04:11):
this is very odd for me.
I think it was the mall and Isaw these two people, and there
are some times where you can seetwo people and instantly know
that they're in a relationship.
But what stood out was there wasa clear indication of a large
you know age gap between the twoof them, and I think large is
(04:35):
defined differently by differentpeople and I know in some cases
there can be a large age gapand you don't see it.
Sandy (04:43):
But when I Somebody's vintage and somebody's not.
Terrance (04:47):
Well, you know those vintage people.
And you know the other thing.
You know what they say.
You know what I'm going to sayBlack, don't crack.
So sometimes you really can'ttell.
But when I say a large age gap,I'm talking about 10 years or
more, because people may notnotice this when they see us or
when they hear us.
I am older than you only bythree years, but still I'm older
(05:11):
than you.
So I wanted to have three and ahalf, and three and a half
Nobody counts halves.
I wanted to have a conversationabout the age gap or a large age
gap, and I wanted to look at itfrom a number of perspectives.
But the first thing I wanted totalk about is, you know, when?
(05:31):
I know, when I saw that coupleright away in my mind and it was
unconscious it was like wow,look at that couple.
And the reason why I said wow,look at that couple was because
it was a clear age differencebetween the two.
And you start asking yourselfall these questions and I'm not
proud of it, but you know ithappens.
So when you see a couple with alarge age difference, do you
(05:55):
have any thoughts thatimmediately pop in your head?
Sandy (05:59):
Well, I try not to judge, but I'm not perfect.
Terrance (06:02):
Well, we all know that .
Listen, let me tell yousomething.
I think you judged me when youcame to the bottom of those
stairs.
I'm not sure what that onemeant but that was me saying
that you say you're not one tojudge.
But I think sometimes you'renot one to judge outside, but
(06:22):
the looks that you actually givesay a lot.
You were judging me yesterdaywhen I was talking about moving
that sewing machine.
You don't want me to get intomy rant.
Sandy (06:32):
No, let's not, let's spare everybody.
Terrance (06:34):
Back to the topic.
Sandy (06:37):
But at the same time, I think my initial thought would
probably be like Hmm, that'sinteresting.
Terrance (06:45):
Listen, you know what it's.
Hmm, that's interesting, man.
I wonder if, depending on andtypically so, I haven't seen a
lot of situations personally andI know they're out there I
haven't run across a situationwhere it was a clear indication
that the woman was older thanthe man.
(07:06):
And I think that, depending onwhere you are, yep one may be
accepted more than the other,but I always go to.
What's he doing?
Sandy (07:18):
he must got a lot of money so you're just putting
like your own preconceivednotions oh, 100 of why they're
together.
Terrance (07:25):
And the thing about it is, like I said, I'm not proud
about it, but those things,immediately, you know, run
through your head and I thinkpart of it is because we have to
ask ourselves, particularly into dictate that if you're in a
(07:49):
situation where you are in arelationship and you're the
elder statesman, I'll use thatterm there must be some reason
why it is other than the factthat two people love each other
right?
Sandy (08:05):
well, yeah, because I was going to say that's probably.
My next thought is like,depending on who's older,
especially at this point in mylife, I think, oh, good for them
.
Well, yeah, like you know what.
Terrance (08:16):
So, so I think it's funny, right, so right like they
can pull that good for themit's.
It's funny that you say that,because I think now at this
stage in our lives.
That's what we say.
But when we're younger you'llbe, like what's what's he?
Sandy (08:31):
her sugar daddy like what's the rationale?
Was she a gold digger?
Terrance (08:35):
there's all these negative connotations that, yeah
, immediately pop in our headand it's not something that
should happen, but it doeshappen yeah and I guess the
question that we have to askourselves is why does society
look at that in such a negativeway?
(08:57):
And I think it's different,based on you know, the older one
well, not just who's the olderone.
I think that's a part of it.
I think it's based on thegeneration that's doing the
looking.
I think it's based on thecultural Excuse me.
I think it's based on theculture, right?
So I know that when we starttalking again, I'm vintage, but
(09:19):
I'm going to say this.
You start to have some of theseconversations and you start to
show your age.
This you start to have some ofthese conversations and you
start to show your age, but Iknow that, if let me rephrase it
uh-huh.
We have three daughters.
One's not of dating age and theother two are dating.
But let me ask you this if Lexicame home and she brought a man
(09:43):
who was 10 to 15 to 20 yearsolder than her and said hey, mom
and dad, this is my other half,I'm in love with this person,
what would be your reaction?
Sandy (09:57):
I have no idea.
Terrance (10:01):
But that's saying a lot right.
Sandy (10:02):
Yeah, I think one.
I admire the fact that she'snot shallow, because I admire
the fact that she's not like meum, because you know there's got
to be, unless you know.
The person looks phenomenal fortheir age you, you know what I
(10:22):
mean.
There's definitely going to be.
You know things that you know.
Somebody else might not.
I don't even know how to phraseit, but you know you might have
cracks you might have this youmight have.
that Might bring extra baggagewith them.
(10:45):
But you know, I think this istoo where society and the norms
kind of play, and I'm probablygoing to fall into that with if
it's the female that is younger,it's not, I think, as impactful
as the reverse.
Terrance (11:08):
I disagree yeah and well, part of it has to do with
the fact that I'm a father.
But when you think of it fromthis perspective, when you say
it's the female, if it's thefemales younger, it's less
impactful.
Consider this, and I'm tryingnot to get too far into what
we're going to be discussing injust one second but if the
(11:30):
female is younger, that meansthe male more likely than not
and this is not the case in allcases is more established.
That's the case by definition,or the possibility exists that
the female is dependent in someway, shape or form, and that
(11:55):
might not be independent, Iguess, is the wrong word to use.
But when you have thatsituation where the male is
older and it's my daughter- Well, yeah, you're going to have a
problem with it.
It's not so much that I'd have aproblem with that there would
be a concern because, again, Ijust want to make sure that,
from the perspective of you knowhow I talk about you know my
daughter's being self-sufficient, self-reliant, that it's not a
(12:17):
situation where they're relyingon someone based off where they
are in their stage of life, andwhen I mean the older person.
Sandy (12:22):
Right.
So that is probably so.
When I think impactful, I'mprobably thinking more of, like
financially, just the differentstages of life, which we'll kind
of get into later.
But at the same time it wouldstill make me wonder why.
(12:44):
At the same time it would stillmake me wonder why and I feel
like that's with any situationbecause when there's that many
years of a difference, there'susually a maturity level that
goes along with said years.
Terrance (13:00):
In some cases yeah.
Sandy (13:01):
In some cases, you know I would say most, but you know I
could be wrong and it makes mewonder, like, okay, if this
guy's like in his 40s, rightLike what does he see in dating
(13:23):
a 20-year-old that he's findingthat this is the right choice
for him?
Terrance (13:30):
Yeah, and I don't think that you would be alone in
having those questions.
So let's talk about this beforewe start getting to these other
things.
Society seems to be in the samearea when we talk about those
questions.
So let me ask this question andwe'll try to answer it.
(13:52):
How do, as a society, how doyou see well, not even as a
society, as someone who might bein that situation how do you
see past what others think?
If you're in a relationshipthat has that large gap and I
think that the question that youasked of yourself what does he
(14:14):
see in her is, I guess,something that, if you're in
that relationship and it's notthat you have to answer to
anyone else, but that might be aquestion that you have to
answer to anyone else.
But that might be a questionthat you have to answer to
yourself, because now, if you'rein a situation where those outs
and you could be in a situationwhere those outside factors
don't affect you at all, rightright, but nine times out of ten
(14:39):
.
Some of that outside, some ofthose outside questions, are
probably coming from people whoare close to you, and so it's
not that you so much areconcerned with how they feel,
but if you're close to them, youmay want them to understand
what it is that you both have.
Sandy (14:58):
Right.
Well, needless to say, I thinkpeople these days, days and
probably back in the day,they're too damn judgy anyways
to begin with.
That's true and I know that Iwell I try not to be.
Like I said, I'm not perfect.
We're all human.
So I uh, if it's two strangersto me, it's like whatever you do
(15:24):
you.
But if it's my daughter, it's alittle bit of a difference and
I probably do fall into more ofthe societal norms like and it's
like right, I'd be asking kindof the same questions.
Like you know, is he shallow, isthat why, he's looking to be in
(15:45):
a relationship with a 20 yearold because yeah, and, and
before is he having a midlifecrisis like what's going on, you
know there's again a lot ofquestions, right?
Terrance (15:55):
so is, is this a situation where he wants someone
who is younger than him, so youknow he can be in a dominant
role, or does he want to havesome sort of power over over?
Um, you know the the, thisyoung woman?
But let me get to.
Let me get to what I would if Iput myself in those shoes, what
(16:18):
I would want or what I wouldsay to those individuals who are
close to me.
First and foremost, I wouldhave to define what it is that
we actually have and why I'm inthe situation that I'm in, why I
feel for this person the way Ifeel for them.
Now, granted, you can't makeanyone see what you see, but if
you can provide them withinsight as to how this person is
(16:45):
with you, how this person makesyou feel what this person does
for you, right, then you've donewhat you can to show them that
what you have is real.
If it's real and I'm not sayingthat it's not, I'm not saying
that it is what I'm saying is,when those questions come, you
have to start thinking about howyou're going to answer them.
Not that you have to answerthem, but again, we're talking
(17:07):
about those individuals whomight be close to you and who
you may value their opinion andthey may not understand what it
is that you have.
So you may want to actuallyshed some light on what it is
you have to them.
Yeah, yeah yeah, that'sinteresting conversation over
(17:29):
dinner yeah, so like, so tell me, I feel like you know it's not
a counseling session, so let meask, let me ask you this how you
feel I'm gonna put you on thespot and and then know we'll
move on to the next section ofthis.
If you came home and let's sayyou're 20, 25.
(17:53):
Okay.
If you came home with someonewho was twice your age and
that's a large gap, I'm goingtwice your age because, again,
sometimes when someone is 10years older than you, people
might not be able to tell.
Sometimes they can Twice yourage.
Do you think your parents wouldquestion it?
(18:13):
I'm going to answer that foryou.
Sandy (18:17):
Go ahead and answer it, because I really don't know
Twice your age?
Terrance (18:20):
I think that they might, and I'm not saying that
you know they're going to grillyou, but you have to know when
you walk in the door there aregoing to be some questions, yeah
, and what I'm saying is, if youcan alleviate any concerns or
answer those questions, thenthey may go away.
Sandy (18:42):
Yeah, well, yeah, I was going to say I think there's
going to be a lot of questions.
Terrance (18:46):
Yeah.
Sandy (18:46):
Yeah, right, like.
It's just natural, based onwhat, at the age of 25, you're
expecting out of life, and thenwhat that 50-year-old is
expecting out of life, rightyeah, is expecting out of life
(19:12):
right, like, is it really on thesame page, or are you together
for specific reasons and notthinking about the end game of
what can happen in the future?
Terrance (19:18):
Yeah, and I mean I guess that's part of the reason
why you know some people willquestion it.
So let's do this.
Let's let's talk about thefinancial side of a relationship
that has that large gap.
For a second.
You know, again, depending onwhere each individual is,
there's the possibility thatthat gap can impact a
(19:38):
relationship from a financialperspective.
And I say that because you know, you mentioned earlier that if
a situation, if it's a situationwhere one person is obviously
older than the other person,chances are that they've had
more experience, they've hadmore time to actually be out in
the workforce and maybe amassmore finances than their younger
(20:04):
counterpart, right?
Yeah.
So that could be a situationwhere you have a relationship.
Well, there's an imbalance,because now more of the
financial responsibility canfall on one person as opposed to
the other person.
Sandy (20:23):
Yeah, Although in the separate situation.
Well, the opposite situationcan also happen that the older
person took forever to grow upin life, that's true, and maybe
still hasn't and, you know,doesn't want to put any effort,
and maybe the younger one haslike a fantastic career and is
(20:47):
rigging in the money.
Terrance (20:49):
I mean that definitely is a possibility, but I think
you still end up in the sameplace, right?
You have one person whoprobably bears more of the
financial responsibility.
If that is the case Again, thatmight not be the case you might
bring finances equally to therelationship, but those are
things that you actually have totake into account, because it
(21:10):
might not be the case.
And if it's not the case, doesthat create an imbalance in
power within the relationship?
Sandy (21:18):
I think anytime that there is a gap in anything, and
if it's a financial gap, gap aswell as an age gap, I think it's
going to potentially impact andbring an imbalance.
I think it really depends onhow the people in the
relationship see it and if theperson who is coming with the
(21:44):
finances feels like, yeah, thatthey own the other person
because they're bringing themoney?
Terrance (21:50):
Did you just say own the other person?
I did.
What generation are you talkingabout?
Sandy (21:58):
Like that, but do you know what I mean?
Like that they have more powerin the relationship and what
they say goes.
Because you know, becauseoftentimes you know money is the
root of all evil.
Right, and people feel like,just because they have money,
that it gives them special, Idon't know.
(22:22):
Like, it makes them special insome way, you know.
Terrance (22:28):
I'm going to stay away from the term special, but I
hear what you're saying.
They feel that because Empowered.
Exactly, you know the power liesin what they're able to do from
a financial perspective.
So, knowing that those arepotential issues, there are some
considerations that you know,if you're in that type of
relationship, that you have toactually take into account.
(22:49):
And I think you talked aboutthis a second ago when you were
starting to say as long as thosetwo individuals you know have
an understanding, I think if youcome into a relationship where
there is a large gap between thetwo of you and you're not on
(23:09):
the same realm from a financialperspective, I think that number
one understanding that thereare other contributions to every
relationship that are outsideof finances, that can't be
measured by finances, andunderstanding what those are,
(23:29):
will put you in a position whereyou don't feel, or you don't
have to feel, like you're aburden if you're not on the same
page financially.
And then the other part of thatis and you know we this is a
mainstay of everything we talkabout is communication.
You have to be able tocommunicate in any relationship
(23:53):
that you're in.
Yep.
But in a situation where you'recoming into something and it
might not be balanced, thatcommunication is going to be
very key.
You know, they say all the timethat you know and we fall
victim to this too relationshipsare 50-50.
Well, that's not always thecase.
(24:13):
Sometimes it ebbs and flows.
Sometimes you might only beable to give 30% and I got to
put that 70% in for that day,and it might be vice versa.
So you know, being able tocommunicate and have those
conversations and understandthat, okay, well, listen, you
might be bringing more to thebank, but I have contributions
that are a part of this, thatmake us whole yep and I think
(24:37):
that's key well, yeah, I'llcommunicate this right now.
Sandy (24:40):
I'm more than happy to have an imbalance in our
relationship financially.
Terrance (24:52):
It's not going to happen and I'll just stay home.
Then you'll wake up, all right.
So you mentioned somethingearlier when we started talking
about this and started talkingabout the maturity piece.
And it's not so much that I'mgoing to talk about the maturity
piece, but let's talk aboutwhen you know that gap exists.
Clearly, those two people mightbe at different stages in their
lives.
Sandy (25:11):
I feel like that's the biggest impact in age difference
.
Terrance (25:15):
Yeah, because you know what Everyone has goals they
have.
You know priorities andperspectives and I think that
where you are in life can havean impact on what those are and
what you see as an actualpriority.
So I guess the question becomesin a relationship where there
is a large gap, how do youreconcile between what you deem
(25:41):
as aspirations and prioritiesbased on where you are, as
opposed to your partner, whomight be in a different place?
Sandy (25:50):
Well, yeah, I feel like there's so many open questions.
This is, I think, where it'sthe most impactful.
To be honest, it's not just ageis just a number type situation
, but age is a number and it canimpact.
You Like, does everybody wantkids?
(26:11):
The person in their twentiescould still want kids and the
person in their forties are like, nah, I'm good.
Terrance (26:17):
You know, I love how you threw a number on there.
I'm going to stick out.
Sandy (26:22):
Well, I'm bringing back the like example, because you
know she's in her twenties.
Terrance (26:25):
What I will say is this I'm going to.
I'm going to look at it fromthe perspective of of stages in
life, right?
So yeah, you're right, youmight be in a situation where
you want to start a family andyour partner.
I'm too old for that.
Might be, might be at a stagewhere they're done with kids,
but I think the important partof that is you have to know what
(26:49):
you're getting into.
You have to be able to haveagain going back to
communication.
You have to be able to havethese conversations, because if
you don't have theseconversations and you don't know
what you're getting into, yeah,that relationship is doomed
from the start.
Think about it when you're atthat stage where you're ready to
(27:17):
get into a relationship.
Right away, your mind startsplanning.
You start planning what are yougoing to do for the next year,
two years, five years, ten years?
Right, and depending on whereyou are, you know, five, 10
years can be a lot, and so, ifyou don't have those
conversations about, I want tohave kids, this is what I want
(27:39):
to do from a career perspective.
Now, keep this in mind when youtalk about different stages in
life.
As a part of that, potentially,there's different stages in
your career, and so you might bein a situation where, okay, one
partner is I want to start afamily, but the other partner is
listen, I'm ready to travel.
Sandy (27:58):
Yeah.
Or even, like you said, career,like I'm ready to travel, and
the other one's like no, I'mready to really buckle down in
my career.
You know what I mean.
I can't be taking all this timeoff.
Terrance (28:14):
Yeah, so you know, one of the things that has to be
considered is how do younavigate those life changes and
find common ground if you're atdifferent stages in your life?
Sandy (28:30):
Yeah, that's a good question, but I'll even give one
other scenario which is top ofmind to me, right, like,
especially if the girl isyounger.
I'm going gonna take a darkreal, real quick.
Is that, you know, mortalityrates?
The men are usually the ratesare lower go killing people off,
(28:54):
you know.
So does this mean like you knowwhat I mean the likelihood of
said person and especially ifyou're starting a family, you
know what I mean.
Like that's a lot to thinkabout.
It is and so being left to raisethe kids on their own, you know
could happen.
(29:15):
I know that can happen toanybody, obviously, but it's a
more realistic scenariodepending on that age gap.
Terrance (29:24):
Yeah, so we did an episode.
God, I don't know how manyepisodes back, but we started.
It had to do with having thosedifficult conversations, and
this is no different.
Sandy (29:35):
Yeah.
Terrance (29:35):
And actually, when you're in a situation where
there's that large gap,regardless of whether or not
it's the male or the female, youneed to have that conversation.
Yeah.
Because, again, we're not allhere forever.
You know what I mean.
There is a life expectancy andat some point we all go back to
dust, as they say.
So you have to have thoseconversations because, again,
(29:59):
you have to be on the same pageif you want it to actually work,
have to be on the same page ifyou want it to actually work.
Again, being at a differentstage in life between a
relationship like that is achallenge because, on the one
hand, if you are just for lackof a better term starting your
life right, and, on the otherhand, someone is in their prime
(30:20):
of their lives.
Again, those priorities mightbe different.
Yeah.
And without having thoseconversations, it's going to be
difficult to find common groundand I can't say, okay, well, if
you do this, this will happen,or if you do that, that'll
happen, but you have to havethose.
But you have to have thoseconversations.
You have to talk about the factthat, hey, listen, we ain't
going to be here forever.
Yeah, understand, I want tostart a family.
(30:40):
You have to talk about the factthat, hey, listen, we ain't
going to be here forever.
Understand, I want to start afamily.
I may want to travel.
How do we take those things andcome to a common ground?
I think the only way toactually do that is to have
those conversations, thosedifficult conversations.
Sandy (31:06):
Yeah, well, and as a parent, that's kind of the, I
think, my role in it.
Like, have you had theseconversations?
Have you thought about this orthat you know, and have you
spoken about it?
Because if you haven't, youbetter get on it so I'm off.
Terrance (31:22):
I'm gonna flip this just for a second because I
think again, the perception isdifferent based on whether or
not the male or the female isthe actual older party.
And I think, for the most part,when people start thinking
about it, if you just say, ohwell, these, there's a large age
gap between this couple, Ithink for the most part people
automatically think that it'sthe male who's older.
(31:43):
Yeah.
Let's flip it.
Uh-huh.
Let's say Lexi is in her, soLexi is.
She's 27 right now.
Mm-hmm.
Let's say she comes home with a17-year-old and she's not
because she's with.
Nate.
They just moved in what I'msaying.
Sandy (31:58):
No, you got to make them at least adults 18.
Terrance (32:04):
21.
She's least adult 18, 21, let'ssay let's.
She's 50, let's, let's.
Well, let's 21 let's moveforward in time.
Let's say Lexi is 50.
He can be not 50.
Let's say Lexi.
I'm not gonna age her out thatquick.
Let's say Lexi is 32 35 okayand she gets in a relationship
with a 20-year-old, we'll givehim 21.
(32:25):
He's 21.
He can legally drink.
Does your perception or yourconcern change?
I know mine does.
That's interesting that you'renot, so I'm curious as to what
your perception is Again mywhole thing is and this is the
first time that I'm saying thison this podcast, but you know, I
(32:48):
have this concept of theQueen's Jack the fact that all
women are queens, right,particularly in my daughters.
And in those situations, youknow, the Jack is that
individual who, when necessary,plays that role of an ally, when
necessary plays that role of anally.
So the mindset of that queen,or those queens, is self-reliant
, self-confident.
(33:10):
You know what I mean,self-aware.
So I raise queens.
She's all of that right.
This 21-year-old snot-nosed kidI don't know what he is, you
know what I mean Is he trying toride on their coattails?
Sandy (33:25):
Yeah.
Terrance (33:27):
Now some people might look at it.
His parents might look at itand say, oh, look at that cougar
trying to take advantage of myI think that when the woman is
older, it has a worseconnotation.
Sandy (33:36):
So you think?
Terrance (33:37):
the male is more acceptable.
Sandy (33:39):
Yeah.
Terrance (33:40):
I think in a lot of places I think that and when I
say a lot of places, I don'tthink I'm not even talking about
, you know, the US, the Westerncountries I think in a lot of
places it's more acceptable, andwhen I I don't want to use the
term acceptable, I'll saysocially.
Yeah.
People have an easier timeaccepting it when it's a male,
(34:00):
depending on how old, like ifyou're 75 and you're with a
20-year-old, eh, but then again,who am I to judge?
Sandy (34:11):
Well, yeah, it's like, okay, it's that 20-year-old
looking for the finances Golddigger, yeah so.
But you know, I think, right,it's kind of like they look at
the woman like how can she be soimmature to want to be with
like a 21 year old?
You know.
Yeah.
It's probably one question thatpeople are going to think.
(34:34):
They're going to think yes,she's some kind of like cougar,
so what's she doing?
Terrance (34:39):
for him and I think, depending on the gap, it changes
, right?
So you said cougar.
Yeah him and I think, dependingon the, the gap, it changes,
right?
So you said cougar.
Yeah, let's say, for instance,the woman is 60 and the man is
30 it changes because they'renot looking at her as a cougar
and probably looking at him asI'm a gigolo everywhere I go.
You know what I mean right andwell, you know.
Sandy (35:02):
and then some of it just comes down to human bodies, and
I think this is where the kidsquestion comes in more, you know
, like can she have children andhe wants children?
You know what I mean.
And if she can't, are they okaywith adopting or using a
(35:23):
surrogate?
Those are all kinds ofquestions that need to take
place, and I think that's whereI say it's most impactful,
because it's not just a decisionI want kids, I don't want kids.
There's also a physical elementof being able to.
Terrance (35:41):
Yeah, so here's the reason why I don't touch that.
Right, I don't touch thatbecause that's a conversation
that they need to have.
Sandy (35:47):
Yeah, you get what I'm saying.
No, and I think, but I thinkthat's why it's seen worse for
an older woman and a younger man.
Well, I mean worse for an olderwoman and a younger man.
Well, I mean, maybe that olderwoman already has kids?
No, but I'm talking about fromthe perspective of, like the 20
year old.
So if I'm the parent, you know,is she gonna be able to give
(36:08):
you the kids you want?
Like you know what I mean likethose are all the questions.
You know we've seen plenty of tvshows where that's always the
main concern of the mother.
But you know what that's?
Terrance (36:19):
a that's always the main concern of the mother, but
you know what.
That's a different topic,because you know what Parents
need to mind their damn business.
Stop trying to live vicariouslythrough your kids.
So when we use our kids-.
Sandy (36:27):
Well, I think they're thinking of it from a grandkid
perspective.
Terrance (36:31):
Like.
Sandy (36:31):
I want grandkids.
Terrance (36:33):
Get them a pet.
You got a grandson right there,but from you know.
So we're using our kids as anexample and my concern is never
about.
It's never about grandkids orwhether or not, because you know
that's their choice, their body, their choice.
It's more about okay, well, areyou trying to take advantage of
(36:54):
my daughter?
Right?
Are you the best person for mydaughter?
Sandy (36:57):
Is she going through a midlife crisis?
And you're just latching on toyeah, I mean.
Terrance (37:02):
So those are the type of questions as a, as a, as a
parent, that I would actuallyhave in my, in my mind.
Yeah, um, and I think you knowit's always first impression,
right, when we react to what wesee first, before we even get to
know the people.
Yeah, and I think that's thebiggest problem with society
when they see it, everyone has acomment, everyone has a
(37:25):
reaction, everyone has theiropinions and their thoughts,
without knowing, you know,what's behind what they're
actually seeing.
Sandy (37:31):
Well, yeah, everybody's going to automatically think of
some stereotype.
Announcer (37:39):
And that's what they're going to label.
Sandy (37:42):
And that's how they're gonna how much you can go
everywhere and that's howthey're gonna label the
relationship when they first seeit.
Yeah, people walk in a room.
Terrance (37:46):
That's what tends to what happens, you know so let's
move in a different directionright now.
Are there benefits to being ina relationship where there's a
large age gap?
Sandy (37:58):
I don't know.
Terrance (38:00):
Listen, I think that there are some.
Sandy (38:08):
Well, I think to the point where, if you're looking
for somebody established and yougo older, I think the
likelihood of you being able tofind that is there and that is a
benefit.
Terrance (38:16):
Yeah, everyone likes what they like, but I'm gonna go
a bit deeper than that.
Okay.
So when you have two people whoare that far apart, their
perspective is different, and Ithink that's a benefit, and what
I mean by that is there areeveryday situations that we come
across and when you have twodifferent perspectives, you have
(38:37):
two different views, and aslong as you listen to each other
, those views can help shapewhat it is that you need to do,
want to do or can do, becausenow it's not just all those
individuals who are around thesame age who may see things
through the same lens and maynot have that perspective.
You have that now and I thinkthat can be a benefit.
Sandy (38:59):
Definitely and taking out of your element.
Like maybe when you wereyounger there was a bunch of
things that you did not do, andnow that you're older and you're
with somebody younger, maybenow you're doing them.
Terrance (39:11):
And you know what that's called Experience.
Yeah.
People have differentexperiences.
Yep, you may not haveexperienced something for
whatever reason.
Maybe you never thought aboutit, maybe you didn't want to do
it, or whether or maybe you hada just a uncomfortable view on
something just different stageof my life, and now this person
(39:36):
is making it a priority.
Well, I mean, you know, and itmight not necessarily be a
priority, it might be somethingthat they've experienced and now
they can say hey, listen, I'vebeen through this and here's
what I've learned from that.
When you're in a relationshipthat is at two opposite I don't
(39:57):
want to say two opposite ends ofthe spectrum, but there's that
gap there it provides anopportunity to learn and grow,
and you learn and grow based offdealing with someone with a
different perspective and beingin a situation where your
partner has differentexperiences from yours.
And it's an opportunity.
I'll rephrase it you have theopportunity to learn and grow
Because, again, just because theopportunity is there doesn't
(40:19):
mean you're going to takeadvantage of it, but I do think
that that's actually a benefit.
The other thing that I said, andI think the other thing that I
will say and I think that youhit on this a little bit is,
when you have a differentbackground, that different
background can be used to.
That different background canbe used to support one another.
(40:40):
We all have different thingsthat we've gone through that
shape us.
Yeah.
And when you have thatexperience, sometimes it
provides you with the ability tobetter support those who may
not have had those experiencesAgain, because you've actually
(41:03):
been through something that theymay not have.
So I think it's all based offhow you look at things, and I
think a big part of it, too, isit's based off.
None of this is a benefitunless you two actually are
together and are working towardsthe same goal, because I think
everything is a work in progress, whether you're the same age,
(41:25):
10 years apart, 20 years apart.
The only way it's going to workis if it's actually a work in
progress.
Sandy (41:30):
Yeah, well, no, you're right.
And because you can have alldifferent opinions and still be
the same age, you know you canbe all over the place.
See, I think, at the end of theday, more people should date
with bigger age gaps, and thenwe wouldn't even think twice
about it.
Terrance (41:48):
Well, so there are some challenges and the one
thing I mean the way that youphraseased that, I mean we might
die off as a race.
Because now, if you starttalking about from a biological
perspective, and where you are,we're probably overpopulated
anyway.
Well, listen, you know Again,so sticking, she always finds a
(42:16):
way to go dark.
Sandy (42:17):
What you think being overpopulated.
Terrance (42:21):
Well, when I say when I say that as a, as a you know
as a a race of beings, you know,if we continue to have the gap,
we may, if, if everyone does it, we may die off, because there
are going to be certainsituations where you know
there's going to be challengesreproducing and if you can't
reproduce then the race doesn'tlive on.
So that's what I'm saying.
Sandy (42:41):
I'm saying everybody, but you know more.
Terrance (42:45):
All right, so let's talk about some chat.
We talked about there's somebenefits, but there are
definitely some challenges.
And it's not that you can'twalk.
There are definitely somechallenges.
And it's not that you can'twork through these challenges.
But once you have anunderstanding of what they are,
then you can work towardsactually working to get through
them.
And I'm going to tell you whatI think is.
Sandy (43:06):
So I laugh because I already have a scenario in my
mind.
Terrance (43:09):
I'm going to tell you what the biggest challenge is
going to be, and that'scommunication.
And the reason why I saycommunication, it's not that you
can't sit down and have aconversation, and the reason why
I say communication.
It's not that you can't sitdown and have a conversation.
It's that when you have a largeage gap, you can be having a
conversation, and the words thatyou're using mean two
completely different things.
Sandy (43:26):
Oh, very true.
Terrance (43:28):
You know what I mean.
Sandy (43:29):
That's so true.
You know everyone has.
We deal with that with our ownchildren.
Terrance (43:33):
Yeah, everyone has their.
It's funny because so at workon Friday Amanda's oldest
daughter, adeline, came in andAdeline is 13.
She's going to be 14, I think,in two months, so she's around
the same age as Ayla, andobviously I've known Adeline
since she was young.
I know all Amanda's kids.
And she's walking down thehallway and she has pit vipers
(43:59):
on.
I said, are those pit vipers?
And she says yep, and Amandasays Terrence, how do you know
what those are?
And Adeline goes because he'scool.
And then so she's like, oh, I'mcool.
She's like no, she goes.
Well, you know, what are yourfriends?
What do your friends think?
What's that word?
What's that word?
(44:19):
She was like a vibe, and ofcourse I know what a vibe is
because I'm closer to theculture.
And she's like, oh yeah, don'tyour friends think I'm a vibe?
She said no, they think dad's avibe, they think that you're
scary.
So I mean, you know, this is adaughter and mother
(44:43):
communicating and it's clearthat there's some language
that's used that the motherdoesn't know.
And again, when you have thatage gap, just the way that
people communicate is different.
And I'm not even just talkingabout the language.
I think sometimes too, the tone.
The tone right, the way youexpress yourselves.
I mean, think about it fromthis perspective.
(45:04):
A lot of young people don'tcommunicate using their voice
yeah and so I think that well,yeah, even anal is like.
Sandy (45:11):
You don't have to be so rude about it.
I said I just answered yourquestion.
How is that being rude about it?
Terrance (45:19):
Because when you know, when they communicate, there's
no tone.
There's no inflection, exactly,and so when you do that, it's
like oh goodness, and I thinkthe challenge with that is
understanding that there mightbe a misunderstanding that is
nothing more than amisunderstanding.
Sandy (45:42):
Than a choice of words.
Terrance (45:43):
Yeah.
Sandy (45:44):
Or it can be misconstrued .
So the scenario I have in mymind, which I think is one of
the challenges, is judgy peopleand how, when you're out in
public, people are going toreact to me.
It's like oh, is this yourfather?
Oh yeah, that was not achallenge that I thought about,
(46:10):
but you know and they're likehaving to explain no, this is my
significant other, my spouse,whoever it is.
And then you have the people'sdumbfounded reaction being like
oh, and then they walk awayprobably because they have
nothing else to say that candefinitely be a challenge.
Terrance (46:28):
That can definitely be a challenge.
And I think another challengeis based on what time period you
were born in.
I'm saying time period likewe're going back in time, but
you got to think about it fromthis perspective.
If you have a 10-yeardifference between you and your
significant other, that meansyou've been on this planet for
(46:48):
10 years longer than them.
That means that during thatfirst 10 years there are
different values that you havepicked up.
Yeah, they might not know whatSaturday morning cartoons is
Well if they don't know whatSaturday morning cartoons is,
you got to kick them to the curb.
I don't even know if Saturdaymorning cartoons well you know
what Saturday morning cartoonsis not really a thing anymore.
(47:09):
I know Because you can watchcartoons all the time.
Sandy (47:12):
They're so accessible.
Terrance (47:13):
That's aging ourselves , but the thing about it is you
know that's a generationaldifference because your values
are going to be different, andthat's not to say that you know
from generation to generationsome values, don't you know
translate or you know follow ormove through the generations.
But there are going to be somedifferences there and that's
(47:34):
going to be a challenge andthat's going to be a challenge.
Sandy (47:58):
Well, I think even not even that first social setting.
But like a friendly socialsetting you could be
conversating on a topic and theother person has no idea cannot
relate to what that topic ofconversation is.
Say, one of us was datingsomebody younger and we're
talking to our friends about howawesome it was in our childhood
to get up and watch Saturdaymorning cartoons.
This person's going to beexcluded from the conversation.
They're not going to have anyidea of what that scenario is,
what it felt like you know, andso then you kind of have like
(48:18):
those weird imbalances too right, or they're gonna look at you
and say what are y'all talkingabout?
Terrance (48:23):
right, you can watch cartoons any day of the week
exactly.
Sandy (48:29):
But you know, we all know the.
For those of us who grew upduring that time, like how great
it was the euphoria of wakingup on a saturday morning to
watch cartoons and they're gonnahave like no clue, yeah, no
clue so you know they're gonnabe a bunch of challenges, but I
(48:51):
always say a challenge is justan opportunity that you can take
advantage of.
So how do you?
You force them like you can'twatch that show until Saturday
morning and you're going to seewhat it feels like.
Terrance (49:06):
You see what happened.
I was transitioning into thisnext question and you just tried
to throw it off, so I'm goingto repeat this and maybe what
you said will or will not makeit in the final edit of this.
So one way to overcome thosechallenges is to look at them as
opportunities.
And when you look at things asan opportunity, now you're in
(49:30):
the driver's seat and you canactually work towards putting
yourself in a position wherethose challenges are
opportunities.
And I think one way to do thatis and this was mentioned
earlier you got to actuallylisten and learn from one
another.
You know everyone has theirunique experiences and from
(49:51):
their experience they have acertain level of actual wisdom.
And that doesn't mean that theolder person is the wiser person
.
That person's experiences aredifferent, so their knowledge is
different.
That younger person'sexperiences are different, so
their knowledge is different.
And if you take those andcombine them and learn from one
another, then that puts you in abetter situation to deal with
(50:12):
those challenges.
You know you were talking abouthow, when you know you might be
out and someone might be askingthe question of whether or not
this is your father.
Now, you can play that a coupleof ways, but if you have
conversations about those things, you get together and
understand that these are someof the challenges we may face.
Depending on who you are, youmight say, yeah, that's my daddy
, you know what I mean.
(50:33):
Or you might come up with someother way to actually answer
those questions.
Have fun with it Exactly.
Sandy (50:40):
Exactly.
Terrance (50:41):
There are ways that you can work around dealing with
some of those challenges, andwe mentioned earlier that each
person has a differentperspective.
Again, listening andunderstanding those different
perspectives, having thoseconversations, will put you in a
better position to actuallytake advantage of those
opportunities that would presentthemselves as actual challenges
.
Sandy (51:02):
Yeah.
Terrance (51:06):
You're going back to the daddy thing, aren't you
Stuck in your head?
Sandy (51:11):
What's stuck in my head now is you saying, yeah, that's
my daddy, that's what I mean.
Terrance (51:15):
Yeah, yeah that's my daddy.
That's what I mean.
Yeah, so I think, ultimately,when it comes down to any
relationship, particularly in arelationship where there's a
large gap, communication isgoing to be the key,
understanding that you knowpeople's views are going to be
(51:36):
their views and you have achoice on whether or not you
allow those views to affect you.
But when it comes to you knowyou being in that relationship
and you being part of, we'll say, a smaller society when I say a
smaller society, I'm talkingabout those people who are close
to you you're going to want tohave conversations on how you're
(51:59):
going to deal with those actualinteractions and I think that
if you do that, I think thatyou're in a situation where you
can strengthen and grow yourrelationship and that bond that
you actually have.
Now.
Let's wrap this up.
Today we discussed the socialviews, financial considerations
in the varied stages of life.
One may be in pertaining torelationships with large age
(52:23):
gaps, and, while theserelationships may be met with
skepticism or curiosity, whattruly matters is the connection
between individuals,transcending the years that
separate them, that love knowsno bounds and that every
relationship, regardless of agedifference, is a testament to
the capacity for understandingand growth, along with
(52:44):
companionship.
Thank you for joining the Lunchwith Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app, as well associal media.
Announcer (52:56):
Until next time, stay well.
That's it for this week'sepisode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
terrence and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, terrence andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast, where we delve intodifferent topics and offer
insight from the perspective ofa married couple.
I'm Terrence.
Sandy (00:52):
And I'm Sandy.
Terrance (00:53):
And today we're going to be discussing the topic of
age difference in a relationship.
But before we get into that,please remember to follow the
Lunch with Sandy podcast on yourfavorite podcasting app.
Also, be sure to follow us onall social media at Lunch with
Sandy.
Also, Sandy, I don't know ifyou've noticed this, but I've
(01:15):
set up the YouTube channelthat's YouTube at Lunch with
Sandy dot com, where you canalso listen to all of the
episodes we have recorded so far.
Now let's get into Sandy,sitting across me with this
blanket, like she is a old lady.
How are you feeling today?
Sandy (01:34):
Sandy Good.
However, I was taking Jax for awalk and it decided to rain, so
yes, I'm a little chilly andwet.
Terrance (01:44):
This is why you got your buddy, alexa.
You got to ask her, alexa, whenis the rain coming?
Sandy (01:52):
The sun was out when I left.
I really didn't think I had toworry about the rain.
Terrance (01:55):
You know this New England weather, you never know
what you're going to get, whichI'm kind of concerned because
you know, tomorrow I got to flyout to DC.
Sandy (02:03):
I was going to say because we had an earthquake
yesterday no, that was not.
Terrance (02:11):
I didn't feel anything .
I know that.
Um, who was it?
I think court texted us becausehe said he felt it.
He said y'all feel that, likewhat he was like earthquake.
Dave said he felt it, but a lotof people didn't feel it.
Sandy (02:24):
I don't think I did.
Terrance (02:27):
But that's not why I'm concerned when I go to DC.
You know, when I go to DCthere's always something.
Sandy (02:32):
Yeah.
Terrance (02:33):
And it's never really, although one time it was a
problem getting there, Typically.
Well, you know what?
I can't say?
That there's always something.
It is both.
Sandy (02:40):
It is both.
Terrance (02:41):
It is both Getting there and getting back.
Yeah, it is both.
Last time when I came back, myflight was delayed like an hour
and a half, and I'm hoping thatthat doesn't happen this time
around.
But I do believe you haveDanielle on standby, yep, and
she's going to pick her up onThursday because Thursday, yep,
all right.
(03:01):
So, oh, did you ever answer thequestion?
Oh yeah, that's right.
You sitting over there with theblanket, all right?
So I'm a little off because I'mtired.
We party until dawn last nightand you know what happens when
you stay up late.
I still wake up at four in themorning to do this stuff and I
(03:21):
say I probably nap for maybe 15minutes today.
Sandy (03:25):
We're definitely not in our 20s anymore, where we can
just power through.
Terrance (03:31):
Well, you know I'm doing pretty good for as late as
I went to bed last night.
Sandy (03:36):
Yeah.
Terrance (03:38):
Yeah, you're doing pretty good I'm.
You know I'm vintage.
Yep, they didn't put me back inthe box in time, so, speaking
of vintage, Then again, thoughAyla is sleeping right now.
Sandy (03:47):
Yeah, I know.
Terrance (03:48):
Them young bucks.
They can't hang.
They can't hang, not yet.
So today I wanted to talk aboutage and specifically, I want to
talk about a situation wherethere is a large gap in the age
difference between two people ina relationship.
There is a large gap in the agedifference between two people
in a relationship.
I'm trying to remember where Iwas, but I think it was, and
(04:11):
this is very odd for me.
I think it was the mall and Isaw these two people, and there
are some times where you can seetwo people and instantly know
that they're in a relationship.
But what stood out was there wasa clear indication of a large
you know age gap between the twoof them, and I think large is
(04:35):
defined differently by differentpeople and I know in some cases
there can be a large age gapand you don't see it.
Sandy (04:43):
But when I Somebody's vintage and somebody's not.
Terrance (04:47):
Well, you know those vintage people.
And you know the other thing.
You know what they say.
You know what I'm going to sayBlack, don't crack.
So sometimes you really can'ttell.
But when I say a large age gap,I'm talking about 10 years or
more, because people may notnotice this when they see us or
when they hear us.
I am older than you only bythree years, but still I'm older
(05:11):
than you.
So I wanted to have three and ahalf, and three and a half
Nobody counts halves.
I wanted to have a conversationabout the age gap or a large age
gap, and I wanted to look at itfrom a number of perspectives.
But the first thing I wanted totalk about is, you know, when?
(05:31):
I know, when I saw that coupleright away in my mind and it was
unconscious it was like wow,look at that couple.
And the reason why I said wow,look at that couple was because
it was a clear age differencebetween the two.
And you start asking yourselfall these questions and I'm not
proud of it, but you know ithappens.
So when you see a couple with alarge age difference, do you
(05:55):
have any thoughts thatimmediately pop in your head?
Sandy (05:59):
Well, I try not to judge, but I'm not perfect.
Terrance (06:02):
Well, we all know that .
Listen, let me tell yousomething.
I think you judged me when youcame to the bottom of those
stairs.
I'm not sure what that onemeant but that was me saying
that you say you're not one tojudge.
But I think sometimes you'renot one to judge outside, but
(06:22):
the looks that you actually givesay a lot.
You were judging me yesterdaywhen I was talking about moving
that sewing machine.
You don't want me to get intomy rant.
Sandy (06:32):
No, let's not, let's spare everybody.
Terrance (06:34):
Back to the topic.
Sandy (06:37):
But at the same time, I think my initial thought would
probably be like Hmm, that'sinteresting.
Terrance (06:45):
Listen, you know what it's.
Hmm, that's interesting, man.
I wonder if, depending on andtypically so, I haven't seen a
lot of situations personally andI know they're out there I
haven't run across a situationwhere it was a clear indication
that the woman was older thanthe man.
(07:06):
And I think that, depending onwhere you are, yep one may be
accepted more than the other,but I always go to.
What's he doing?
Sandy (07:18):
he must got a lot of money so you're just putting
like your own preconceivednotions oh, 100 of why they're
together.
Terrance (07:25):
And the thing about it is, like I said, I'm not proud
about it, but those things,immediately, you know, run
through your head and I thinkpart of it is because we have to
ask ourselves, particularly into dictate that if you're in a
(07:49):
situation where you are in arelationship and you're the
elder statesman, I'll use thatterm there must be some reason
why it is other than the factthat two people love each other
right?
Sandy (08:05):
well, yeah, because I was going to say that's probably.
My next thought is like,depending on who's older,
especially at this point in mylife, I think, oh, good for them
.
Well, yeah, like you know what.
Terrance (08:16):
So, so I think it's funny, right, so right like they
can pull that good for themit's.
It's funny that you say that,because I think now at this
stage in our lives.
That's what we say.
But when we're younger you'llbe, like what's what's he?
Sandy (08:31):
her sugar daddy like what's the rationale?
Was she a gold digger?
Terrance (08:35):
there's all these negative connotations that, yeah
, immediately pop in our headand it's not something that
should happen, but it doeshappen yeah and I guess the
question that we have to askourselves is why does society
look at that in such a negativeway?
(08:57):
And I think it's different,based on you know, the older one
well, not just who's the olderone.
I think that's a part of it.
I think it's based on thegeneration that's doing the
looking.
I think it's based on thecultural Excuse me.
I think it's based on theculture, right?
So I know that when we starttalking again, I'm vintage, but
(09:19):
I'm going to say this.
You start to have some of theseconversations and you start to
show your age.
This you start to have some ofthese conversations and you
start to show your age, but Iknow that, if let me rephrase it
uh-huh.
We have three daughters.
One's not of dating age and theother two are dating.
But let me ask you this if Lexicame home and she brought a man
(09:43):
who was 10 to 15 to 20 yearsolder than her and said hey, mom
and dad, this is my other half,I'm in love with this person,
what would be your reaction?
Sandy (09:57):
I have no idea.
Terrance (10:01):
But that's saying a lot right.
Sandy (10:02):
Yeah, I think one.
I admire the fact that she'snot shallow, because I admire
the fact that she's not like meum, because you know there's got
to be, unless you know.
The person looks phenomenal fortheir age you, you know what I
(10:22):
mean.
There's definitely going to be.
You know things that you know.
Somebody else might not.
I don't even know how to phraseit, but you know you might have
cracks you might have this youmight have.
that Might bring extra baggagewith them.
(10:45):
But you know, I think this istoo where society and the norms
kind of play, and I'm probablygoing to fall into that with if
it's the female that is younger,it's not, I think, as impactful
as the reverse.
Terrance (11:08):
I disagree yeah and well, part of it has to do with
the fact that I'm a father.
But when you think of it fromthis perspective, when you say
it's the female, if it's thefemales younger, it's less
impactful.
Consider this, and I'm tryingnot to get too far into what
we're going to be discussing injust one second but if the
(11:30):
female is younger, that meansthe male more likely than not
and this is not the case in allcases is more established.
That's the case by definition,or the possibility exists that
the female is dependent in someway, shape or form, and that
(11:55):
might not be independent, Iguess, is the wrong word to use.
But when you have thatsituation where the male is
older and it's my daughter- Well, yeah, you're going to have a
problem with it.
It's not so much that I'd have aproblem with that there would
be a concern because, again, Ijust want to make sure that,
from the perspective of you knowhow I talk about you know my
daughter's being self-sufficient, self-reliant, that it's not a
(12:17):
situation where they're relyingon someone based off where they
are in their stage of life, andwhen I mean the older person.
Sandy (12:22):
Right.
So that is probably so.
When I think impactful, I'mprobably thinking more of, like
financially, just the differentstages of life, which we'll kind
of get into later.
But at the same time it wouldstill make me wonder why.
(12:44):
At the same time it would stillmake me wonder why and I feel
like that's with any situationbecause when there's that many
years of a difference, there'susually a maturity level that
goes along with said years.
Terrance (13:00):
In some cases yeah.
Sandy (13:01):
In some cases, you know I would say most, but you know I
could be wrong and it makes mewonder, like, okay, if this
guy's like in his 40s, rightLike what does he see in dating
(13:23):
a 20-year-old that he's findingthat this is the right choice
for him?
Terrance (13:30):
Yeah, and I don't think that you would be alone in
having those questions.
So let's talk about this beforewe start getting to these other
things.
Society seems to be in the samearea when we talk about those
questions.
So let me ask this question andwe'll try to answer it.
(13:52):
How do, as a society, how doyou see well, not even as a
society, as someone who might bein that situation how do you
see past what others think?
If you're in a relationshipthat has that large gap and I
think that the question that youasked of yourself what does he
(14:14):
see in her is, I guess,something that, if you're in
that relationship and it's notthat you have to answer to
anyone else, but that might be aquestion that you have to
answer to anyone else.
But that might be a questionthat you have to answer to
yourself, because now, if you'rein a situation where those outs
and you could be in a situationwhere those outside factors
don't affect you at all, rightright, but nine times out of ten
(14:39):
.
Some of that outside, some ofthose outside questions, are
probably coming from people whoare close to you, and so it's
not that you so much areconcerned with how they feel,
but if you're close to them, youmay want them to understand
what it is that you both have.
Sandy (14:58):
Right.
Well, needless to say, I thinkpeople these days, days and
probably back in the day,they're too damn judgy anyways
to begin with.
That's true and I know that Iwell I try not to be.
Like I said, I'm not perfect.
We're all human.
So I uh, if it's two strangersto me, it's like whatever you do
(15:24):
you.
But if it's my daughter, it's alittle bit of a difference and
I probably do fall into more ofthe societal norms like and it's
like right, I'd be asking kindof the same questions.
Like you know, is he shallow, isthat why, he's looking to be in
(15:45):
a relationship with a 20 yearold because yeah, and, and
before is he having a midlifecrisis like what's going on, you
know there's again a lot ofquestions, right?
Terrance (15:55):
so is, is this a situation where he wants someone
who is younger than him, so youknow he can be in a dominant
role, or does he want to havesome sort of power over over?
Um, you know the the, thisyoung woman?
But let me get to.
Let me get to what I would if Iput myself in those shoes, what
(16:18):
I would want or what I wouldsay to those individuals who are
close to me.
First and foremost, I wouldhave to define what it is that
we actually have and why I'm inthe situation that I'm in, why I
feel for this person the way Ifeel for them.
Now, granted, you can't makeanyone see what you see, but if
you can provide them withinsight as to how this person is
(16:45):
with you, how this person makesyou feel what this person does
for you, right, then you've donewhat you can to show them that
what you have is real.
If it's real and I'm not sayingthat it's not, I'm not saying
that it is what I'm saying is,when those questions come, you
have to start thinking about howyou're going to answer them.
Not that you have to answerthem, but again, we're talking
(17:07):
about those individuals whomight be close to you and who
you may value their opinion andthey may not understand what it
is that you have.
So you may want to actuallyshed some light on what it is
you have to them.
Yeah, yeah yeah, that'sinteresting conversation over
(17:29):
dinner yeah, so like, so tell me, I feel like you know it's not
a counseling session, so let meask, let me ask you this how you
feel I'm gonna put you on thespot and and then know we'll
move on to the next section ofthis.
If you came home and let's sayyou're 20, 25.
(17:53):
Okay.
If you came home with someonewho was twice your age and
that's a large gap, I'm goingtwice your age because, again,
sometimes when someone is 10years older than you, people
might not be able to tell.
Sometimes they can Twice yourage.
Do you think your parents wouldquestion it?
(18:13):
I'm going to answer that foryou.
Sandy (18:17):
Go ahead and answer it, because I really don't know
Twice your age?
Terrance (18:20):
I think that they might, and I'm not saying that
you know they're going to grillyou, but you have to know when
you walk in the door there aregoing to be some questions, yeah
, and what I'm saying is, if youcan alleviate any concerns or
answer those questions, thenthey may go away.
Sandy (18:42):
Yeah, well, yeah, I was going to say I think there's
going to be a lot of questions.
Terrance (18:46):
Yeah.
Sandy (18:46):
Yeah, right, like.
It's just natural, based onwhat, at the age of 25, you're
expecting out of life, and thenwhat that 50-year-old is
expecting out of life, rightyeah, is expecting out of life
(19:12):
right, like, is it really on thesame page, or are you together
for specific reasons and notthinking about the end game of
what can happen in the future?
Terrance (19:18):
Yeah, and I mean I guess that's part of the reason
why you know some people willquestion it.
So let's do this.
Let's let's talk about thefinancial side of a relationship
that has that large gap.
For a second.
You know, again, depending onwhere each individual is,
there's the possibility thatthat gap can impact a
(19:38):
relationship from a financialperspective.
And I say that because you know, you mentioned earlier that if
a situation, if it's a situationwhere one person is obviously
older than the other person,chances are that they've had
more experience, they've hadmore time to actually be out in
the workforce and maybe amassmore finances than their younger
(20:04):
counterpart, right?
Yeah.
So that could be a situationwhere you have a relationship.
Well, there's an imbalance,because now more of the
financial responsibility canfall on one person as opposed to
the other person.
Sandy (20:23):
Yeah, Although in the separate situation.
Well, the opposite situationcan also happen that the older
person took forever to grow upin life, that's true, and maybe
still hasn't and, you know,doesn't want to put any effort,
and maybe the younger one haslike a fantastic career and is
(20:47):
rigging in the money.
Terrance (20:49):
I mean that definitely is a possibility, but I think
you still end up in the sameplace, right?
You have one person whoprobably bears more of the
financial responsibility.
If that is the case Again, thatmight not be the case you might
bring finances equally to therelationship, but those are
things that you actually have totake into account, because it
(21:10):
might not be the case.
And if it's not the case, doesthat create an imbalance in
power within the relationship?
Sandy (21:18):
I think anytime that there is a gap in anything, and
if it's a financial gap, gap aswell as an age gap, I think it's
going to potentially impact andbring an imbalance.
I think it really depends onhow the people in the
relationship see it and if theperson who is coming with the
(21:44):
finances feels like, yeah, thatthey own the other person
because they're bringing themoney?
Terrance (21:50):
Did you just say own the other person?
I did.
What generation are you talkingabout?
Sandy (21:58):
Like that, but do you know what I mean?
Like that they have more powerin the relationship and what
they say goes.
Because you know, becauseoftentimes you know money is the
root of all evil.
Right, and people feel like,just because they have money,
that it gives them special, Idon't know.
(22:22):
Like, it makes them special insome way, you know.
Terrance (22:28):
I'm going to stay away from the term special, but I
hear what you're saying.
They feel that because Empowered.
Exactly, you know the power liesin what they're able to do from
a financial perspective.
So, knowing that those arepotential issues, there are some
considerations that you know,if you're in that type of
relationship, that you have toactually take into account.
(22:49):
And I think you talked aboutthis a second ago when you were
starting to say as long as thosetwo individuals you know have
an understanding, I think if youcome into a relationship where
there is a large gap between thetwo of you and you're not on
(23:09):
the same realm from a financialperspective, I think that number
one understanding that thereare other contributions to every
relationship that are outsideof finances, that can't be
measured by finances, andunderstanding what those are,
(23:29):
will put you in a position whereyou don't feel, or you don't
have to feel, like you're aburden if you're not on the same
page financially.
And then the other part of thatis and you know we this is a
mainstay of everything we talkabout is communication.
You have to be able tocommunicate in any relationship
(23:53):
that you're in.
Yep.
But in a situation where you'recoming into something and it
might not be balanced, thatcommunication is going to be
very key.
You know, they say all the timethat you know and we fall
victim to this too relationshipsare 50-50.
Well, that's not always thecase.
(24:13):
Sometimes it ebbs and flows.
Sometimes you might only beable to give 30% and I got to
put that 70% in for that day,and it might be vice versa.
So you know, being able tocommunicate and have those
conversations and understandthat, okay, well, listen, you
might be bringing more to thebank, but I have contributions
that are a part of this, thatmake us whole yep and I think
(24:37):
that's key well, yeah, I'llcommunicate this right now.
Sandy (24:40):
I'm more than happy to have an imbalance in our
relationship financially.
Terrance (24:52):
It's not going to happen and I'll just stay home.
Then you'll wake up, all right.
So you mentioned somethingearlier when we started talking
about this and started talkingabout the maturity piece.
And it's not so much that I'mgoing to talk about the maturity
piece, but let's talk aboutwhen you know that gap exists.
Clearly, those two people mightbe at different stages in their
lives.
Sandy (25:11):
I feel like that's the biggest impact in age difference
.
Terrance (25:15):
Yeah, because you know what Everyone has goals they
have.
You know priorities andperspectives and I think that
where you are in life can havean impact on what those are and
what you see as an actualpriority.
So I guess the question becomesin a relationship where there
is a large gap, how do youreconcile between what you deem
(25:41):
as aspirations and prioritiesbased on where you are, as
opposed to your partner, whomight be in a different place?
Sandy (25:50):
Well, yeah, I feel like there's so many open questions.
This is, I think, where it'sthe most impactful.
To be honest, it's not just ageis just a number type situation
, but age is a number and it canimpact.
You Like, does everybody wantkids?
(26:11):
The person in their twentiescould still want kids and the
person in their forties are like, nah, I'm good.
Terrance (26:17):
You know, I love how you threw a number on there.
I'm going to stick out.
Sandy (26:22):
Well, I'm bringing back the like example, because you
know she's in her twenties.
Terrance (26:25):
What I will say is this I'm going to.
I'm going to look at it fromthe perspective of of stages in
life, right?
So yeah, you're right, youmight be in a situation where
you want to start a family andyour partner.
I'm too old for that.
Might be, might be at a stagewhere they're done with kids,
but I think the important partof that is you have to know what
(26:49):
you're getting into.
You have to be able to haveagain going back to
communication.
You have to be able to havethese conversations, because if
you don't have theseconversations and you don't know
what you're getting into, yeah,that relationship is doomed
from the start.
Think about it when you're atthat stage where you're ready to
(27:17):
get into a relationship.
Right away, your mind startsplanning.
You start planning what are yougoing to do for the next year,
two years, five years, ten years?
Right, and depending on whereyou are, you know, five, 10
years can be a lot, and so, ifyou don't have those
conversations about, I want tohave kids, this is what I want
(27:39):
to do from a career perspective.
Now, keep this in mind when youtalk about different stages in
life.
As a part of that, potentially,there's different stages in
your career, and so you might bein a situation where, okay, one
partner is I want to start afamily, but the other partner is
listen, I'm ready to travel.
Sandy (27:58):
Yeah.
Or even, like you said, career,like I'm ready to travel, and
the other one's like no, I'mready to really buckle down in
my career.
You know what I mean.
I can't be taking all this timeoff.
Terrance (28:14):
Yeah, so you know, one of the things that has to be
considered is how do younavigate those life changes and
find common ground if you're atdifferent stages in your life?
Sandy (28:30):
Yeah, that's a good question, but I'll even give one
other scenario which is top ofmind to me, right, like,
especially if the girl isyounger.
I'm going gonna take a darkreal, real quick.
Is that, you know, mortalityrates?
The men are usually the ratesare lower go killing people off,
(28:54):
you know.
So does this mean like you knowwhat I mean the likelihood of
said person and especially ifyou're starting a family, you
know what I mean.
Like that's a lot to thinkabout.
It is and so being left to raisethe kids on their own, you know
could happen.
(29:15):
I know that can happen toanybody, obviously, but it's a
more realistic scenariodepending on that age gap.
Terrance (29:24):
Yeah, so we did an episode.
God, I don't know how manyepisodes back, but we started.
It had to do with having thosedifficult conversations, and
this is no different.
Sandy (29:35):
Yeah.
Terrance (29:35):
And actually, when you're in a situation where
there's that large gap,regardless of whether or not
it's the male or the female, youneed to have that conversation.
Yeah.
Because, again, we're not allhere forever.
You know what I mean.
There is a life expectancy andat some point we all go back to
dust, as they say.
So you have to have thoseconversations because, again,
(29:59):
you have to be on the same pageif you want it to actually work,
have to be on the same page ifyou want it to actually work.
Again, being at a differentstage in life between a
relationship like that is achallenge because, on the one
hand, if you are just for lackof a better term starting your
life right, and, on the otherhand, someone is in their prime
(30:20):
of their lives.
Again, those priorities mightbe different.
Yeah.
And without having thoseconversations, it's going to be
difficult to find common groundand I can't say, okay, well, if
you do this, this will happen,or if you do that, that'll
happen, but you have to havethose.
But you have to have thoseconversations.
You have to talk about the factthat, hey, listen, we ain't
going to be here forever.
Yeah, understand, I want tostart a family.
(30:40):
You have to talk about the factthat, hey, listen, we ain't
going to be here forever.
Understand, I want to start afamily.
I may want to travel.
How do we take those things andcome to a common ground?
I think the only way toactually do that is to have
those conversations, thosedifficult conversations.
Sandy (31:06):
Yeah, well, and as a parent, that's kind of the, I
think, my role in it.
Like, have you had theseconversations?
Have you thought about this orthat you know, and have you
spoken about it?
Because if you haven't, youbetter get on it so I'm off.
Terrance (31:22):
I'm gonna flip this just for a second because I
think again, the perception isdifferent based on whether or
not the male or the female isthe actual older party.
And I think, for the most part,when people start thinking
about it, if you just say, ohwell, these, there's a large age
gap between this couple, Ithink for the most part people
automatically think that it'sthe male who's older.
(31:43):
Yeah.
Let's flip it.
Uh-huh.
Let's say Lexi is in her, soLexi is.
She's 27 right now.
Mm-hmm.
Let's say she comes home with a17-year-old and she's not
because she's with.
Nate.
They just moved in what I'msaying.
Sandy (31:58):
No, you got to make them at least adults 18.
Terrance (32:04):
21.
She's least adult 18, 21, let'ssay let's.
She's 50, let's, let's.
Well, let's 21 let's moveforward in time.
Let's say Lexi is 50.
He can be not 50.
Let's say Lexi.
I'm not gonna age her out thatquick.
Let's say Lexi is 32 35 okayand she gets in a relationship
with a 20-year-old, we'll givehim 21.
(32:25):
He's 21.
He can legally drink.
Does your perception or yourconcern change?
I know mine does.
That's interesting that you'renot, so I'm curious as to what
your perception is Again mywhole thing is and this is the
first time that I'm saying thison this podcast, but you know, I
(32:48):
have this concept of theQueen's Jack the fact that all
women are queens, right,particularly in my daughters.
And in those situations, youknow, the Jack is that
individual who, when necessary,plays that role of an ally, when
necessary plays that role of anally.
So the mindset of that queen,or those queens, is self-reliant
, self-confident.
(33:10):
You know what I mean,self-aware.
So I raise queens.
She's all of that right.
This 21-year-old snot-nosed kidI don't know what he is, you
know what I mean Is he trying toride on their coattails?
Sandy (33:25):
Yeah.
Terrance (33:27):
Now some people might look at it.
His parents might look at itand say, oh, look at that cougar
trying to take advantage of myI think that when the woman is
older, it has a worseconnotation.
Sandy (33:36):
So you think?
Terrance (33:37):
the male is more acceptable.
Sandy (33:39):
Yeah.
Terrance (33:40):
I think in a lot of places I think that and when I
say a lot of places, I don'tthink I'm not even talking about
, you know, the US, the Westerncountries I think in a lot of
places it's more acceptable, andwhen I I don't want to use the
term acceptable, I'll saysocially.
Yeah.
People have an easier timeaccepting it when it's a male,
(34:00):
depending on how old, like ifyou're 75 and you're with a
20-year-old, eh, but then again,who am I to judge?
Sandy (34:11):
Well, yeah, it's like, okay, it's that 20-year-old
looking for the finances Golddigger, yeah so.
But you know, I think, right,it's kind of like they look at
the woman like how can she be soimmature to want to be with
like a 21 year old?
You know.
Yeah.
It's probably one question thatpeople are going to think.
(34:34):
They're going to think yes,she's some kind of like cougar,
so what's she doing?
Terrance (34:39):
for him and I think, depending on the gap, it changes
, right?
So you said cougar.
Yeah him and I think, dependingon the, the gap, it changes,
right?
So you said cougar.
Yeah, let's say, for instance,the woman is 60 and the man is
30 it changes because they'renot looking at her as a cougar
and probably looking at him asI'm a gigolo everywhere I go.
You know what I mean right andwell, you know.
Sandy (35:02):
and then some of it just comes down to human bodies, and
I think this is where the kidsquestion comes in more, you know
, like can she have children andhe wants children?
You know what I mean.
And if she can't, are they okaywith adopting or using a
(35:23):
surrogate?
Those are all kinds ofquestions that need to take
place, and I think that's whereI say it's most impactful,
because it's not just a decisionI want kids, I don't want kids.
There's also a physical elementof being able to.
Terrance (35:41):
Yeah, so here's the reason why I don't touch that.
Right, I don't touch thatbecause that's a conversation
that they need to have.
Sandy (35:47):
Yeah, you get what I'm saying.
No, and I think, but I thinkthat's why it's seen worse for
an older woman and a younger man.
Well, I mean worse for an olderwoman and a younger man.
Well, I mean, maybe that olderwoman already has kids?
No, but I'm talking about fromthe perspective of, like the 20
year old.
So if I'm the parent, you know,is she gonna be able to give
(36:08):
you the kids you want?
Like you know what I mean likethose are all the questions.
You know we've seen plenty of tvshows where that's always the
main concern of the mother.
But you know what that's?
Terrance (36:19):
a that's always the main concern of the mother, but
you know what.
That's a different topic,because you know what Parents
need to mind their damn business.
Stop trying to live vicariouslythrough your kids.
So when we use our kids-.
Sandy (36:27):
Well, I think they're thinking of it from a grandkid
perspective.
Terrance (36:31):
Like.
Sandy (36:31):
I want grandkids.
Terrance (36:33):
Get them a pet.
You got a grandson right there,but from you know.
So we're using our kids as anexample and my concern is never
about.
It's never about grandkids orwhether or not, because you know
that's their choice, their body, their choice.
It's more about okay, well, areyou trying to take advantage of
(36:54):
my daughter?
Right?
Are you the best person for mydaughter?
Sandy (36:57):
Is she going through a midlife crisis?
And you're just latching on toyeah, I mean.
Terrance (37:02):
So those are the type of questions as a, as a, as a
parent, that I would actuallyhave in my, in my mind.
Yeah, um, and I think you knowit's always first impression,
right, when we react to what wesee first, before we even get to
know the people.
Yeah, and I think that's thebiggest problem with society
when they see it, everyone has acomment, everyone has a
(37:25):
reaction, everyone has theiropinions and their thoughts,
without knowing, you know,what's behind what they're
actually seeing.
Sandy (37:31):
Well, yeah, everybody's going to automatically think of
some stereotype.
Announcer (37:39):
And that's what they're going to label.
Sandy (37:42):
And that's how they're gonna how much you can go
everywhere and that's howthey're gonna label the
relationship when they first seeit.
Yeah, people walk in a room.
Terrance (37:46):
That's what tends to what happens, you know so let's
move in a different directionright now.
Are there benefits to being ina relationship where there's a
large age gap?
Sandy (37:58):
I don't know.
Terrance (38:00):
Listen, I think that there are some.
Sandy (38:08):
Well, I think to the point where, if you're looking
for somebody established and yougo older, I think the
likelihood of you being able tofind that is there and that is a
benefit.
Terrance (38:16):
Yeah, everyone likes what they like, but I'm gonna go
a bit deeper than that.
Okay.
So when you have two people whoare that far apart, their
perspective is different, and Ithink that's a benefit, and what
I mean by that is there areeveryday situations that we come
across and when you have twodifferent perspectives, you have
(38:37):
two different views, and aslong as you listen to each other
, those views can help shapewhat it is that you need to do,
want to do or can do, becausenow it's not just all those
individuals who are around thesame age who may see things
through the same lens and maynot have that perspective.
You have that now and I thinkthat can be a benefit.
Sandy (38:59):
Definitely and taking out of your element.
Like maybe when you wereyounger there was a bunch of
things that you did not do, andnow that you're older and you're
with somebody younger, maybenow you're doing them.
Terrance (39:11):
And you know what that's called Experience.
Yeah.
People have differentexperiences.
Yep, you may not haveexperienced something for
whatever reason.
Maybe you never thought aboutit, maybe you didn't want to do
it, or whether or maybe you hada just a uncomfortable view on
something just different stageof my life, and now this person
(39:36):
is making it a priority.
Well, I mean, you know, and itmight not necessarily be a
priority, it might be somethingthat they've experienced and now
they can say hey, listen, I'vebeen through this and here's
what I've learned from that.
When you're in a relationshipthat is at two opposite I don't
(39:57):
want to say two opposite ends ofthe spectrum, but there's that
gap there it provides anopportunity to learn and grow,
and you learn and grow based offdealing with someone with a
different perspective and beingin a situation where your
partner has differentexperiences from yours.
And it's an opportunity.
I'll rephrase it you have theopportunity to learn and grow
Because, again, just because theopportunity is there doesn't
(40:19):
mean you're going to takeadvantage of it, but I do think
that that's actually a benefit.
The other thing that I said, andI think the other thing that I
will say and I think that youhit on this a little bit is,
when you have a differentbackground, that different
background can be used to.
That different background canbe used to support one another.
(40:40):
We all have different thingsthat we've gone through that
shape us.
Yeah.
And when you have thatexperience, sometimes it
provides you with the ability tobetter support those who may
not have had those experiencesAgain, because you've actually
(41:03):
been through something that theymay not have.
So I think it's all based offhow you look at things, and I
think a big part of it, too, isit's based off.
None of this is a benefitunless you two actually are
together and are working towardsthe same goal, because I think
everything is a work in progress, whether you're the same age,
(41:25):
10 years apart, 20 years apart.
The only way it's going to workis if it's actually a work in
progress.
Sandy (41:30):
Yeah, well, no, you're right.
And because you can have alldifferent opinions and still be
the same age, you know you canbe all over the place.
See, I think, at the end of theday, more people should date
with bigger age gaps, and thenwe wouldn't even think twice
about it.
Terrance (41:48):
Well, so there are some challenges and the one
thing I mean the way that youphraseased that, I mean we might
die off as a race.
Because now, if you starttalking about from a biological
perspective, and where you are,we're probably overpopulated
anyway.
Well, listen, you know Again,so sticking, she always finds a
(42:16):
way to go dark.
Sandy (42:17):
What you think being overpopulated.
Terrance (42:21):
Well, when I say when I say that as a, as a you know
as a a race of beings, you know,if we continue to have the gap,
we may, if, if everyone does it, we may die off, because there
are going to be certainsituations where you know
there's going to be challengesreproducing and if you can't
reproduce then the race doesn'tlive on.
So that's what I'm saying.
Sandy (42:41):
I'm saying everybody, but you know more.
Terrance (42:45):
All right, so let's talk about some chat.
We talked about there's somebenefits, but there are
definitely some challenges.
And it's not that you can'twalk.
There are definitely somechallenges.
And it's not that you can'twork through these challenges.
But once you have anunderstanding of what they are,
then you can work towardsactually working to get through
them.
And I'm going to tell you whatI think is.
Sandy (43:06):
So I laugh because I already have a scenario in my
mind.
Terrance (43:09):
I'm going to tell you what the biggest challenge is
going to be, and that'scommunication.
And the reason why I saycommunication, it's not that you
can't sit down and have aconversation, and the reason why
I say communication.
It's not that you can't sitdown and have a conversation.
It's that when you have a largeage gap, you can be having a
conversation, and the words thatyou're using mean two
completely different things.
Sandy (43:26):
Oh, very true.
Terrance (43:28):
You know what I mean.
Sandy (43:29):
That's so true.
You know everyone has.
We deal with that with our ownchildren.
Terrance (43:33):
Yeah, everyone has their.
It's funny because so at workon Friday Amanda's oldest
daughter, adeline, came in andAdeline is 13.
She's going to be 14, I think,in two months, so she's around
the same age as Ayla, andobviously I've known Adeline
since she was young.
I know all Amanda's kids.
And she's walking down thehallway and she has pit vipers
(43:59):
on.
I said, are those pit vipers?
And she says yep, and Amandasays Terrence, how do you know
what those are?
And Adeline goes because he'scool.
And then so she's like, oh, I'mcool.
She's like no, she goes.
Well, you know, what are yourfriends?
What do your friends think?
What's that word?
What's that word?
(44:19):
She was like a vibe, and ofcourse I know what a vibe is
because I'm closer to theculture.
And she's like, oh yeah, don'tyour friends think I'm a vibe?
She said no, they think dad's avibe, they think that you're
scary.
So I mean, you know, this is adaughter and mother
(44:43):
communicating and it's clearthat there's some language
that's used that the motherdoesn't know.
And again, when you have thatage gap, just the way that
people communicate is different.
And I'm not even just talkingabout the language.
I think sometimes too, the tone.
The tone right, the way youexpress yourselves.
I mean, think about it fromthis perspective.
(45:04):
A lot of young people don'tcommunicate using their voice
yeah and so I think that well,yeah, even anal is like.
Sandy (45:11):
You don't have to be so rude about it.
I said I just answered yourquestion.
How is that being rude about it?
Terrance (45:19):
Because when you know, when they communicate, there's
no tone.
There's no inflection, exactly,and so when you do that, it's
like oh goodness, and I thinkthe challenge with that is
understanding that there mightbe a misunderstanding that is
nothing more than amisunderstanding.
Sandy (45:42):
Than a choice of words.
Terrance (45:43):
Yeah.
Sandy (45:44):
Or it can be misconstrued .
So the scenario I have in mymind, which I think is one of
the challenges, is judgy peopleand how, when you're out in
public, people are going toreact to me.
It's like oh, is this yourfather?
Oh yeah, that was not achallenge that I thought about,
(46:10):
but you know and they're likehaving to explain no, this is my
significant other, my spouse,whoever it is.
And then you have the people'sdumbfounded reaction being like
oh, and then they walk awayprobably because they have
nothing else to say that candefinitely be a challenge.
Terrance (46:28):
That can definitely be a challenge.
And I think another challengeis based on what time period you
were born in.
I'm saying time period likewe're going back in time, but
you got to think about it fromthis perspective.
If you have a 10-yeardifference between you and your
significant other, that meansyou've been on this planet for
(46:48):
10 years longer than them.
That means that during thatfirst 10 years there are
different values that you havepicked up.
Yeah, they might not know whatSaturday morning cartoons is
Well if they don't know whatSaturday morning cartoons is,
you got to kick them to the curb.
I don't even know if Saturdaymorning cartoons well you know
what Saturday morning cartoonsis not really a thing anymore.
(47:09):
I know Because you can watchcartoons all the time.
Sandy (47:12):
They're so accessible.
Terrance (47:13):
That's aging ourselves , but the thing about it is you
know that's a generationaldifference because your values
are going to be different, andthat's not to say that you know
from generation to generationsome values, don't you know
translate or you know follow ormove through the generations.
But there are going to be somedifferences there and that's
(47:34):
going to be a challenge andthat's going to be a challenge.
Sandy (47:58):
Well, I think even not even that first social setting.
But like a friendly socialsetting you could be
conversating on a topic and theother person has no idea cannot
relate to what that topic ofconversation is.
Say, one of us was datingsomebody younger and we're
talking to our friends about howawesome it was in our childhood
to get up and watch Saturdaymorning cartoons.
This person's going to beexcluded from the conversation.
They're not going to have anyidea of what that scenario is,
what it felt like you know, andso then you kind of have like
(48:18):
those weird imbalances too right, or they're gonna look at you
and say what are y'all talkingabout?
Terrance (48:23):
right, you can watch cartoons any day of the week
exactly.
Sandy (48:29):
But you know, we all know the.
For those of us who grew upduring that time, like how great
it was the euphoria of wakingup on a saturday morning to
watch cartoons and they're gonnahave like no clue, yeah, no
clue so you know they're gonnabe a bunch of challenges, but I
(48:51):
always say a challenge is justan opportunity that you can take
advantage of.
So how do you?
You force them like you can'twatch that show until Saturday
morning and you're going to seewhat it feels like.
Terrance (49:06):
You see what happened.
I was transitioning into thisnext question and you just tried
to throw it off, so I'm goingto repeat this and maybe what
you said will or will not makeit in the final edit of this.
So one way to overcome thosechallenges is to look at them as
opportunities.
And when you look at things asan opportunity, now you're in
(49:30):
the driver's seat and you canactually work towards putting
yourself in a position wherethose challenges are
opportunities.
And I think one way to do thatis and this was mentioned
earlier you got to actuallylisten and learn from one
another.
You know everyone has theirunique experiences and from
(49:51):
their experience they have acertain level of actual wisdom.
And that doesn't mean that theolder person is the wiser person
.
That person's experiences aredifferent, so their knowledge is
different.
That younger person'sexperiences are different, so
their knowledge is different.
And if you take those andcombine them and learn from one
another, then that puts you in abetter situation to deal with
(50:12):
those challenges.
You know you were talking abouthow, when you know you might be
out and someone might be askingthe question of whether or not
this is your father.
Now, you can play that a coupleof ways, but if you have
conversations about those things, you get together and
understand that these are someof the challenges we may face.
Depending on who you are, youmight say, yeah, that's my daddy
, you know what I mean.
(50:33):
Or you might come up with someother way to actually answer
those questions.
Have fun with it Exactly.
Sandy (50:40):
Exactly.
Terrance (50:41):
There are ways that you can work around dealing with
some of those challenges, andwe mentioned earlier that each
person has a differentperspective.
Again, listening andunderstanding those different
perspectives, having thoseconversations, will put you in a
better position to actuallytake advantage of those
opportunities that would presentthemselves as actual challenges
.
Sandy (51:02):
Yeah.
Terrance (51:06):
You're going back to the daddy thing, aren't you
Stuck in your head?
Sandy (51:11):
What's stuck in my head now is you saying, yeah, that's
my daddy, that's what I mean.
Terrance (51:15):
Yeah, yeah that's my daddy.
That's what I mean.
Yeah, so I think, ultimately,when it comes down to any
relationship, particularly in arelationship where there's a
large gap, communication isgoing to be the key,
understanding that you knowpeople's views are going to be
(51:36):
their views and you have achoice on whether or not you
allow those views to affect you.
But when it comes to you knowyou being in that relationship
and you being part of, we'll say, a smaller society when I say a
smaller society, I'm talkingabout those people who are close
to you you're going to want tohave conversations on how you're
(51:59):
going to deal with those actualinteractions and I think that
if you do that, I think thatyou're in a situation where you
can strengthen and grow yourrelationship and that bond that
you actually have.
Now.
Let's wrap this up.
Today we discussed the socialviews, financial considerations
in the varied stages of life.
One may be in pertaining torelationships with large age
(52:23):
gaps, and, while theserelationships may be met with
skepticism or curiosity, whattruly matters is the connection
between individuals,transcending the years that
separate them, that love knowsno bounds and that every
relationship, regardless of agedifference, is a testament to
the capacity for understandingand growth, along with
(52:44):
companionship.
Thank you for joining the Lunchwith Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app, as well associal media.
Announcer (52:56):
Until next time, stay well.
That's it for this week'sepisode of the Lunch with Sandy
podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
TikTok and Twitter at Lunch withSandy, and be sure to follow us
on your favorite podcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
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