February 3, 2024 • 36 mins
Ever pondered the building blocks that make a relationship not just survive, but thrive? That's where we, Terrance and Sandy, come into play, offering a deep dive into the essential attributes women desire in their significant others. Trustworthiness, we find, is not just an admirable trait but the very foundation upon which love and partnership stand. We break down how honesty, reliability, and authenticity aren't just lofty ideals but the concrete that holds the edifice of togetherness. Not shying away from the complexities of masculine vulnerability, we pull back the curtain on the intertwining roles of empathy, compassion, and emotional availability, revealing their importance in forging a connection that's both deep and unshakeable.
Strap in as we navigate the less-charted waters of respect and maturity, addressing their pivotal roles in the romantic dance. We dissect the delicate interplay between honoring differences and standing united against the world's cacophony, underlining the necessity of mutual recognition and support. Our conversation extends beyond mere philosophy into actionable wisdom, as we highlight how these pillars of partnership strengthen the bond between individuals, fostering a love that’s not just passionate but also enduring. Join us for a candid exploration that promises to leave you with insights to carry into your own relationship, whether it's blossoming, established, or on the horizon.
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Episode Transcript
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Announcer (00:01):
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to the Lunch with Sandy podcast, where we
digest different topics andoffer insight from the
perspective of a married couple.
I'm Terrance and I'm Sandy, andtoday we're going to be talking
about what women look for in arelationship from their partner.
But before we do that, I justwanted to remind everyone to
(01:08):
follow us on your favoritepodcasting app and on all social
media at lunchwithsandycom.
And with that, let's get into.
How is Sandy doing today?
Sandy, how are you feeling?
Sandy (01:23):
Sandy's cold.
Turn the heat up my hands,though, they just stay cold all
the time.
Terrance (01:31):
I should just start wearing gloves, what you should
start doing is, you should wearthose half gloves and no offense
to hobos, we're going to callthem hobo gloves and then you
can stand over a tin can withsome fire and trash in it and
burn it and then warm your handsup.
That way we can call you hoboSandy.
Sandy (01:49):
Well, the problem is that it's my fingertips that are
always cold, so that way out ofthe hobo gloves.
Terrance (01:57):
Because it allows your fingertips to be closer to the
flame.
Get what I'm saying.
So your palms won't get toosweaty your fingertips to be
closer to the flame.
And you still have thedexterity to use those
fingertips.
Sandy (02:13):
So am I just bringing a metal trash can into the house?
No, no, you got to do thatoutside.
Terrance (02:18):
You got to go to hobo lane to do that no offense to
hobos.
Let me stop talking.
Let me stop talking about hobosgetting sidetracked.
So today I want to have thisconversation, and I need to.
At first, when I startedthinking about this, I know
there's a question out therethat the fellows would like to
have answered, and that questionis what do women want?
(02:39):
Now, I don't think we'd ever beable to answer that question,
so what I'm trying to do is Iwant to narrow this down and
talk about the characteristicsthat women look for when
searching for me.
And now I say all that to saythis I've lived in a house full
(03:04):
of women for a very, very longtime.
I was raised by some very, verystrong women, so I have some
insight to offer, and I alsohave done some research, some
polling, some surveying.
But being that we have a womanhere, we're going to pose this
(03:27):
question to you, and I'm goingto attempt to allow you to lead
this when I start thinking aboutall the information that I have
gathered and the people thatI've spoken to.
I've broken this down, from myperspective, into three parts
and I'm just going to talk about, I'm going to name the three
parts and then I'm going to puntit over to you.
(03:47):
Right when I started looking atthe input that I was getting
back.
I kind of broke it down tothree things and those three
things are foundationallythere's some characteristics
that women look for to form thebasis of every relationship.
Then I grouped some things intowhat I like to call pillars,
(04:08):
and I'm thinking about this as ahouse, because, you know, love
is a house.
It's a famous saying.
I believe they had a songcalled love is a house.
Shout out the four SIMDs.
So then I look at the pillarsto support.
You know the foundationsupports the pillars and the
pillars, you know they wouldtechnically form the roof, but I
didn't call it the roof, Icalled it the spice.
So before I go any further, I'mgoing to ask you this question,
(04:33):
Sandy, when it comes to carefulof the answer well, I mean be
careful of the question youasked for because you might not
like the answer.
Sandy (04:41):
I'm just kidding.
Terrance (04:43):
We speak the whole truth, and nothing but the truth
here, when it comes to thecharacteristics that you feel
women look for and, being thatyou're a woman, you should be
able to provide some insight tothis.
What are some of thecharacteristics that women look
for when they're searching for apartner?
Sandy (04:59):
Yeah, okay, because I was going to just say what a woman
wants is just good looks, abrain and a personality.
You got to give me more thanthat.
No, I'm slightly kidding, butto get into like a lifelong
(05:19):
partner, I think it needs tohave a little bit more depth and
I think the very first thing isbeing able to trust that person
.
So I think trust has a big partof it, because without trust,
really, what kind ofrelationship do you have?
(05:41):
So the trustworthiness ofsomebody, I think, is first and
primary.
Terrance (05:52):
For you, for me.
Sandy (05:53):
Well, yeah, obviously I can only talk regarding my
perspective.
Terrance (05:57):
Yeah.
So, from from everything thatI've I've seen and heard,
trustworthiness is is a very bigpart of that and there's
reasons for it, right.
So when, when you trust someoneor Someone shows you that
they're trustworthy, whatthey're doing is they're showing
you a couple of things.
One, they're showing thatthey're actually dependable,
(06:18):
right, when push comes to shove,you can count on them to be
there when you need them to be.
The other aspect of this andagain doesn't apply for everyone
but Truthful, you know, that'spart of well, it's not
truthfulness, but trust, it'spart of, it's actually part of
the definition once they'relooking for someone who is going
(06:40):
to be truthful.
And then there's also thataspect of being genuine, right.
And so when you take thosethree things and Someone is
truthful, they're genuine andthey're dependable.
I think that provides thatsense of trustworthiness that
(07:01):
Some women say they're lookingfor.
And I say and I use that term,say they're looking for, because
, again, I'll get into that alittle later, but I think there
are times when you know lookingfor it, but yet you deal with.
It's one of those things wheresometimes people don't practice
what they preach right you know,I mean, they say one thing and
then you know it's, it'scompletely something opposite
(07:21):
when it's actually put intopractice.
I'm surprised you saidTrustworthiness first.
Sandy (07:28):
Because I feel like the others come along.
Once you have trust, everythingcan be somewhat played off of
that trust well, I mean.
And as we get into it.
Terrance (07:49):
So, from so from the people who I've talked to, and
and from the research that I'vedone, one of the biggest things
that women prefer when lookingfor a partner is confidence.
Sandy (08:02):
Yeah, well, and that's why I started with trust,
because I think the trust alsohelps build the confidence in
the woman, so it's not just theman having it, but it's as a
woman having it.
I'm not getting it and then no,no, I know I get that, but
that's how I find that it'scorrelated.
So by having the trust firstand then the man with confidence
(08:23):
, it helps build your confidenceas well, and so that's why I
put trust is number one.
Terrance (08:29):
That's a weird correlation.
And I say that because you knowI'm a firm believer in, I'm a
firm believer in.
No one else is going to.
You have to build yourself upyou.
You have to be confident inyourself, right?
That confidence Shouldn't comefrom someone else.
Sandy (08:50):
So, but oftentimes it does so another person can
easily tear down your confidencein yourself Only if you allow
only if you allow so I'm.
Terrance (08:58):
I mean from the perspective of Self-confidence
in a person.
I'm talking about someone whois self assured, someone who
believes in themselves, and whenyou, when you come across
someone who believes inthemselves, that means you know
again they're not looking.
That's stuff that you don'thave to provide to them, they're
already coming with that.
(09:19):
They're bringing that actuallyto the actual relationship.
So that allows you to focus onyou and not have to worry about
so much from the perspective ofdo I need to be concerned if
this person is going to bebothered by ABC or they're gonna
feel insecure about this, thatand the other?
So having someone who isconfidence, confident has has
(09:41):
been high on a number ofpeople's lists and when, when we
talk about confidence, thereare additional parts that come
with that right.
So being confident is knowingwho you are right and knowing
what you want.
When you know who you are andyou know what you want, you can
(10:02):
be very direct and it's easierto find someone who is Going to
be compatible with you.
You're not searching foryourself.
So when the two individualscome together, it just makes
that much easier.
Because if I know that I'mlooking for this in a person and
and that person doesn't havethis, then it's easier for me to
(10:26):
say, okay, well, you know what?
Maybe we shouldn't get involvedin this because you ain't got
what I'm looking for.
But knowing who you are andknowing what you want, I think
many women find that veryAppealing.
Sandy (10:39):
Oh, most definitely.
A man can be as confident as hewants to be, but unless I trust
him, like that confidencedoesn't really mean much to me.
So that's again why I put trustas number one.
But you know, again, I'm onlyspeaking from my perspective.
Terrance (10:54):
Yeah and I'm not.
There's no, there's no order.
Sandy (10:57):
No, when it comes to this , that you were surprised?
Terrance (10:59):
Yeah, I was surprised, because you can trust somebody
and they can and you know, andthen you have to support.
My question to you would bethis uh-huh.
How can you trust someone right?
Yeah when they have absolutelyno confidence and you have to
keep reassuring them.
So, when you have to reassurethem every step of the way, how
(11:23):
can you know that they're goingto be dependable and reliable
when you need them to be?
Sandy (11:25):
Well, I'm just saying I don't want one without the other
.
I'm just saying that.
I'm just saying that inresponse to the last statement
that you're asking me, I put alittle bit more value in the
trust, because confidence, youknow, hopefully, I guess, if
there is some, if there is some,maybe that can be built upon,
you know who knows.
Or maybe I want them grapplingat my feet.
(11:47):
You know what I mean.
Terrance (11:47):
Yeah, well, to each his own.
You won't have this you won'thave that here and again I think
with with confidence too, Imean.
So there's a difference betweenno, yes link.
Sandy (11:57):
Who wants to have somebody, who needs to be
consistently you want somebodyconfident, you confident, that's
what you want yeah, no for sure.
Terrance (12:09):
Yeah, and there's a like.
I would like I was sayingthere's a difference between
being confident and beingegotistical or overbearing.
Yes, there is.
There is a line between the two, and you're not looking for
someone who is going to beStaring in the mirror all day
saying I'm the greatest thingsince sliced bread.
Sandy (12:28):
But you do that.
What are you doing?
Terrance (12:29):
I don't do that.
I mean, I am, but I don't dothat.
I don't have to do that.
Sandy (12:34):
Give yourself a pep talk every word.
And like you are the best, youare awesome.
Yeah, you've never seen me dothat Myself, I don't have to do
that.
Terrance (12:42):
My actions show that every day.
Sandy (12:44):
No you don't do that, but that would be kind of funny.
I would record that.
Terrance (12:48):
if you did, yeah, well , you know you got to get up
early in the morning if you wantto try to record that.
So, yeah, you know.
Another thing that came up, alot, and and tell me if you
agree or disagree, because again, I'm not a woman, but Integrity
was, was big that is big so,and it's not just like virtuous
(13:13):
actions, it's actually also thatyour actions have to align with
your words.
Sandy (13:18):
You need to use your words too, but I think like
those go hand in hand together,so you can't be saying one thing
and then doing another.
Like it needs to be on the samepage.
You know you can't say you loveme and then go step out on me
Like obviously so you wantsomeone with a strong moral
character.
Terrance (13:40):
Now again the question becomes, you know, do they see
that as a moral dilemma or not?
But right?
Sandy (13:45):
Well, I hope you have that conversation.
I mean like if you're withsomebody if they see that as a
moral dilemma.
Terrance (13:53):
I thought you were saying you hope they have that
conversation with themselves.
Is this morally or immorally?
Sandy (14:02):
So you know, but yes, integrity is woven in there as
well.
I feel like the three of themtogether is kind of what makes
up all of the DNA on the solidfoundation.
Terrance (14:15):
Yeah, when I talked about the foundation, those were
the three that actually Ilumped together.
So now you know, all womenstrive to have an emotional
connection in theirrelationships and I think that
there are three pillars thatactually make up the pieces to
(14:36):
that connection.
And let me know if you agree ordisagree with this first one.
And I think that one of thethings that all women want, or
one of the things that tends tobuild that emotional connection
between two people, is when awoman sees that a man is
compassionate.
Sandy (14:57):
No, I agree, and so I feel like compassion and empathy
is slightly different but verysimilar as well, and I think it
needs to be both, because youcan have compassion without
really having true empathy.
I think, like you can look atsomething and just be like, oh
(15:21):
yeah, that stinks.
But you know, to have that trueempathy, like you know, I'm
sorry for the way you're feeling, you know, you know stuff like
that.
So I think that is important tohave somebody who can
sympathize with you, kind of seeyour point, I guess, to some
(15:44):
degree, or see what you're goingthrough not really necessarily.
Terrance (15:48):
I agree, but I would say that that's part of being
compassionate.
Sandy (15:52):
I slightly different connotation, but very similar,
like I said explain well,because you can.
Terrance (16:02):
I'm talking about so from the perspective of having
someone who can be empathetic toyour point of view.
I think that is part of thebuilding blocks of being
compassionate, because you can'tbe compassionate towards a
person if you don't understandwhere it is that they're coming
from.
Sandy (16:20):
I think there can be differences.
You know, so, for lack of abetter example, I'm going to
bring up Aila.
Aila is very compassionate.
When she, you know, sees thingsand stuff like that, you know
(16:42):
her heart goes out.
But if you hurt yourself, likeAila doesn't always say are you
alright?
You know what I mean.
Like there's just a differencebetween compassion and empathy.
Like compassion is havingcompassion for that person
because they're going through itsomething, and then empathy is
(17:03):
really understanding, I think,and feeling more of what,
feeling more for the person thatthey're going through.
Terrance (17:11):
I think they can exist in the same plane not to go too
far down, but I think they canexist in the same plane Because,
again, I think, in order to becompassionate towards someone,
you have to have some sense ofunderstanding of what it is that
they're going through and, inthe true sense of the word, that
is empathy.
You might not be the mostempathetic person to the fullest
degree, but the fact that youcan understand or relate to what
(17:34):
it is that they're goingthrough and feel for it.
Sandy (17:37):
Yeah, I just wanted to put as much stress on empathy as
well as compassion.
Terrance (17:43):
Yeah, well, I mean, that's, that's but I agree.
Yeah, I think that for the mostpart, everyone wants someone
who's going to be able tosympathize with whatever it is
that they're actually goingthrough, someone who can
actually share in whether it'stheir joy or their fears or
whatever and be compassionatetowards them in those areas.
Sandy (18:03):
So yeah, well, honestly, I think it just ties with
emotional availability.
Yeah the person has to havesome kind of emotion to them.
They can't just be rigid like arock.
Terrance (18:17):
Well, I think.
I think that all women want mento be vulnerable to a
particular perspective when itcomes to their emotions and
being able to open up about them.
Well, right, because you don'twant not saying that's going to
happen all the time.
Sandy (18:37):
No, it's not, but you're right.
I think Somebody trying to bevulnerable while still confident
, even like we, brought up inthe solid foundation, is
important, like it's not beingvulnerable to where they're like
breaking down you know what Imean and losing themselves, it's
(18:58):
more listen being able to talkabout their feelings.
Talk about, you know whataffected them, what didn't
affect them, you know.
Terrance (19:09):
I think the hard part about it is people get caught up
in social norms and roles andif a man wants to break down,
let that man break down.
I think social roles have madepeople believe that they have to
act a certain way, and I thinkthat's why it's hard for a lot
(19:32):
of men at times to beemotionally available, because
if you look at the way thatothers view it, that can be
deemed as being weak oh, that'swhat I was just gonna say and
you know.
Sandy (19:44):
That's why I mean like it has to be.
Terrance (19:49):
I guess that's why I said confident as well, because
not the issue at hand is we'reall human and we all feel, and
we shouldn't let other people'sopinion dictate how we process
or, you know, deal with thosefeelings, and I think that's one
(20:12):
of the biggest problems that weactually have in this world
today.
Everyone looks at what thesocial norms are and if they
fall outside of those things,they view it as okay.
Well, someone's gonna view mein a particular life and
ultimately, the only opinionthat should really matter should
be yours and those closest toyou.
Sandy (20:31):
So yeah, I guess what I was trying to point out was no,
I get it, I can't talk aboutyour feelings and you can have
conversations about that, and aslong as it's not and you know
again, this is just myperspective as long as it's not
where you're constantly justneedy, I guess, is.
Terrance (20:53):
So now let me ask you a question, cuz see now you just
opened up a can of worms there,right?
So I think if someone can havethose conversations, if a man
can have those conversations,and I think they are confident,
because they're confident enoughto have those conversations.
Now you use the term right thata lot of times you use this
term when you just werereferring to a man, saying he
(21:15):
shouldn't be needed, but a lotof times there are women who
come across as being needy.
Now is that okay?
Sandy (21:20):
because, again, no, it's not well what are you saying?
Terrance (21:25):
I'm needing no you was listen, don't put words in my
mouth.
I think.
Sandy (21:30):
I.
I think it's fine if every nowand then you're looking for a
confidence booster like you'resignificant so listen, I also.
I think there's a.
There's a line between justneeding.
Terrance (21:45):
I just want to make sure that you're not creating a
double standard here, you can'tsay on one side it's, it's fine.
Sandy (21:51):
If you need a confidence booster, listen, if it's okay
but if it's all the time, that'swhen it becomes needy, and that
should be for men and women.
Yeah, but I think that.
Terrance (22:00):
I think the challenge with that is everyone's
definition is a little different.
Like you say, all the timesomeone can be like oh well, you
know what.
You're being real needy rightnow.
You know what I mean.
So that's the one area whereyou want to be careful, because
it's every day, that's all thetime well, no.
So here's the thing, that'syour definition yeah, that is my
definition.
Not everyone has the samedefinition so that's why exactly
(22:22):
it is your perspective.
I just want to make sure thatyou're not creating a double
standard here, because again, ifI say, hey, listen, you're
being needy honestly, my thingwould be like once a month.
Sandy (22:31):
If you need a confidence booster once a month, that's
fine oh good, we're gonna.
Terrance (22:40):
Sandy is saying it's okay for women to be needy, but
not men that's not what I said Ithink that's what I heard and
women if they need a confidencebooster once a month.
Sandy (22:50):
In my opinion that is.
Terrance (22:53):
If you're looking that's part of sandy's
definition.
I'm not gonna give you once amonth.
I might give you once a yearbut if it's every day that's
needy oh goodness, all rightlet's, let's move on from the,
from the needy people.
So let me ask you this whatabout respect?
Sandy (23:13):
that's important.
Obviously I was gonna spell itout do you don't.
Terrance (23:20):
I know, I know I would be afraid we lose a bunch of
followers.
So let me ask you this questiondo you respect the needy men?
Sandy (23:28):
no, no let's stick with respect.
So, yeah, it's.
Yeah, respect is reallyimportant to me, honest, and
it's not just even I had a lossfor words at this point, I guess
(23:48):
but jumping.
I'm I'm thinking more along thelines like you have to respect
my decisions, like respect isn'tjust whatever it's not just you
as a person, but your decisions, your values, because you can
respect the person.
You can respect their decisionsand values and still not agree
(24:08):
with them no, that's what I wasactually trying to get at and I
could not formulate the words,but I think you're being real
needy right now really needy.
Right there, there's my one forthe month.
Yeah, so I was having a troublewith my words, but I think I
have it back.
Respect is understanding thatwhile you're in a relationship
(24:29):
you're still two differentpeople you know, and you're not
gonna think the same 100% of thetime.
You're not.
You didn't all of a suddenbecome this one person and merge
your heads together, like.
So the respect has to be thatI'm not gonna always see or not
see, but I'm not going to alwaysagree with an opinion of you,
(24:54):
and then at that point therespect really comes in when you
agree to just disagree anddon't keep like harping on it.
Terrance (25:02):
Yeah, and respect is a two-way street right, and by
that what I mean is I'm not justtalking about respecting one
another, but you have to respectyourself and at times, you've
got to respect those individualswho are around your partner.
Now, sometimes, some of thosepeople around your partner will
press the boundaries.
I mean, I'm saying they'llpress the boundaries and
(25:24):
sometimes you know you'll haveto have a conversation with your
partner about hey, listen, ifyou don't check that, then I
will.
And I think that goes.
I think that's part of thattwo-way street.
When we're talking aboutrespect, you can't expect your
partner to respect all thosepeople around you your friends
and family if they are notrespecting that individual.
(25:45):
And if you respect that person,then you will have a
conversation with them to say,hey, listen, that's not going to
fly.
So I think that's important too.
Sandy (25:53):
So you mean because this was going to be one of my points
too is you mean like if, say,one of my friends is being
disrespectful, not towards you,but maybe in discussion of you,
right Got?
Terrance (26:10):
to put them in their spot.
Sandy (26:12):
Like that is also respect .
Like listen, that's my husband.
Don't talk about him like that.
Terrance (26:20):
Yeah, and I mean it doesn't have to be you know it's
always respectful.
Sandy (26:25):
No, it's always respectful.
Terrance (26:27):
I think what happens is when you allow someone to
talk out of turn about someoneyou're in a relationship with,
that does a number of things.
One, it makes them believe it'sokay for them to actually
continue to do that.
Sandy (26:48):
Yeah.
Terrance (26:49):
And two, it shows that you don't have respect enough
for that person or yourrelationship to have a
conversation with them to sayhey, listen, I don't appreciate
you speaking about mysignificant other and that
particular tone.
If you're really someone closeto me, you wouldn't choose to
(27:09):
actually do that.
Sandy (27:11):
And it also can be how they're treating me like.
To be honest, if you have afriend, that's always I don't
want to say always hitting onyou, because that's not
necessarily well.
I hoped that that's not thecase, but just saying like
inappropriate things.
I would hope that that wouldalso be a discussion like oh
(27:34):
yeah, no, it doesn't have to besomething that ain't going to
fly.
Terrance (27:37):
It doesn't have to be bad as if it's out of pocket.
It's out of pocket, yeah, andthat's something that has to
have.
You know you have to have aconversation about if you have
that respect.
You don't have that respect,then you won't have that
conversation.
Sandy (27:51):
Yep.
Terrance (27:53):
So now let's get to this last, this last category.
This is my favorite.
Sandy (27:56):
Well, like spice, you can't have any.
Terrance (27:59):
Yeah, and I didn't want to call it that, but for
lack of a better word, I'm justgoing to use the term spice.
But honestly, you know,sprinkles, sprinkles, you can
call it the sprinkles, but Ithink, I think for me, I would
think that this would be corefor some women.
Well, one part of it would beand again, in some cases it's
not, and so I'm going to go tothe one that I think that was
(28:25):
the one that I believe wouldtake priority over the other or
the other one, and that is whena woman is looking for, you know
, a significant other.
I would believe that thematurity level of that
individual would be high on thelist of characteristics that
they'd actually be looking for.
Sandy (28:41):
And when I say women once , well, I mean baby child to
each his own.
I mean thank you.
Terrance (28:48):
This goes back to that whole.
This goes back to that whole.
You know, practice what youpreach, right, and when I talk
about maturity, I'm not justtalking about, I'm talking about
emotional and mental maturity,right, you know, because you can
have one without the other.
But I think that it's importantthat when you're looking for
(29:10):
someone and again I'm speaking,but again this is I'm basing
this off conversations that I'veactually had, because, again,
I'm not a woman you want someonewho is emotionally able to
communicate on all thesedifferent levels, but mentally
mature enough to actually bethat person they need to be when
(29:32):
you need them to be that person.
Sandy (29:34):
Just put an image in my head of you trying to throw a
temperature in a potato.
I don't know how.
Terrance (29:40):
I put that image in your head.
Sandy (29:42):
Because I'm trying to think of you as being immature.
Terrance (29:46):
When is the when is name?
One time where you see me throwa temperature?
Sandy (29:50):
But that just that's.
That was the funny picture thatI put in my own head for this.
Terrance (29:58):
Well, let's get away from her temperature.
Sandy (30:01):
Honestly, again, just my perspective.
You know, the only kind ofperson I want to raise is my
children, you know, and I don'twant to have to be taking care
of my significant other, youknow.
Terrance (30:14):
I'm one minute different because someone might
have a mother complex.
Sandy (30:16):
They might.
Terrance (30:17):
I certainly don't.
Sandy (30:19):
I'm trying to get rid of responsibilities.
I'm going to take on more.
The last thing I want is arelationship with somebody who I
now have to like watch over,because they're just immature
and well sometimes you want togo to a take care.
Throw in temper tantrums orwomen.
Terrance (30:38):
All right.
What about a sense of humor?
Sandy (30:43):
Oh, you know, I personally need that one.
Terrance (30:46):
You definitely need it , because yours is out of whack.
Sandy (30:51):
No, I don't think so, which I jerk around a lot.
I laugh a lot.
So if somebody is not making melaugh, you know, and I'm having
to find my own silly humor ahundred percent of the time I
can probably get a little crazy.
Terrance (31:09):
Well, yeah, you know, because you know they say
laughter is the best medicine,and it's not so much that the
person has to make you laugh allthe time, but to be able to
laugh at something with you orfind something humorous that you
find humorous Because you know,if they're just stoic the whole
time and they don't findanything funny, good, I mean,
(31:33):
again, there's someone foreveryone out there which is
funny, because I don't think youfind me funny very often, but
at least you're just well,listen, it's not that I don't
find you funny, it's that yourjokes.
There's a difference betweenfinding someone humorous and
finding their jokes funny.
Your jokes just aren't funny.
(31:53):
I never said you weren't afunny person.
Your jokes just aren't funny.
They don't hit and you seem tobelieve they hit.
I mean you swing for the fenceswith those jokes.
Sandy (32:05):
Because they might not hit with you, but they hit with
other people.
Terrance (32:08):
So it's fine.
Let's rephrase they don't hitwith anyone in this house, and
not even, and not even because Iknow what you're going to say.
That's not even just Ailaeither I agree to disagree.
Sandy (32:23):
Yeah, there you go.
Terrance (32:24):
I respect you enough to allow you to agree to
disagree.
Sandy (32:28):
My jokes land more at work, I think.
Terrance (32:31):
Yeah, I guess.
Sandy (32:35):
But and I have another one too.
So I think romance is a bigpart of the spice, and when I
say romance, like not justsomebody who is going to whine
and dine you all the time, butit should be somewhat like a
(32:58):
love song A love song.
What so, when you think about it, all the good love songs that
we like listen to, but no,somebody who uses his words to
tell you how much they care andhow you're the only one for them
(33:19):
to, because you want somebodythat's going to just say it, not
just again, kind of like theactions in the words.
So say it and show it thatyou're the only one for them,
you know what I mean.
Terrance (33:33):
You want someone to sing you a love song.
They can just take somebodyelse's words and just repeat
them.
Sandy (33:38):
The twinkle of their eye.
Their don't give me that look.
Terrance (33:43):
I didn't give you no look, that's you reading into
whatever you thought you saw,but just think of like the best
R&B song.
Sandy (33:51):
That's what you want that person to say to you.
Yeah, and act like it too.
Terrance (33:57):
Yeah, I'm going to let you live with that right there.
Think of the best R&B song.
That's what you want someone tosay to you.
Sandy (34:03):
Yeah, and I think actions and words together are very
important.
Terrance (34:08):
First off, listen.
I would say this again I'm nota woman, but I would believe
that they don't want you sayingsomeone else's song.
So it was not going to besomeone else's words.
So it's not going to be thewords from an R&B song.
It's going to be the words thatthey actually come up with and
say themselves.
Sandy (34:25):
Yeah, but just at least some words.
Terrance (34:28):
You look beautiful today you said the bar low.
Sandy (34:31):
You know what I mean, it just needs to just be said.
I'm saying as well but yeah,who doesn't love a good R&B love
song?
Terrance (34:41):
Yeah, all right, we're going to wrap this Sure.
Sandy (34:43):
You can say an R&B love song.
Terrance (34:45):
We're going to wrap this up.
That's fine, as you've allwitnessed after listening to
this.
Ultimately, understanding whatwomen want from a characteristic
perspective is a balance ofequilibrium, and I'm not sure we
will ever get one set ofguidelines from any woman on
(35:07):
what it is that they're lookingfor in a man, but hopefully some
of the information that weprovided with you today will
help you on your journey.
Sandy (35:17):
Hopefully.
Terrance (35:18):
When it comes to finding whoever it is that
you're actually looking for.
With that being said, let meget into my reflection of the
week, and this is something thatwe need to do more often.
We need to take a moment toappreciate the progress that
we've made and understand thateach day is an opportunity for
us to grow and move towardsself-discovery.
(35:40):
Sometimes we have a goal inmind and the goal may seem so
far out of reach that you're notlooking at the progression that
you're making on a daily basis.
So be sure to make sure thatyou take stock and appreciate
those little wins on aday-to-day basis as you progress
(36:03):
.
Thank you for joining us on aLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app, as well associal media.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (36:20):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
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follow us on your favoritepodcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best
policy?
How do you balance what youwant versus what you need, and
is there something you need tosay to your spouse but can't
find the right way to say it?
If so, then you're in the rightplace.
This is the Lunch with Sandypodcast.
With nearly 20 years ofmarriage under their belts,
Terrance and Sandy Jacksondiscuss a range of topics,
(00:22):
provide valuable insights onrelationships and talk about the
conversations married couplesneed to have.
So what does lunch have to dowith all of this?
Well, it's a metaphor for howthese conversations originally
started.
Speaking of conversations,let's get one going.
Here's your hosts, Terrance andSandy.
Terrance (00:43):
Welcome to the Lunch with Sandy podcast, where we
digest different topics andoffer insight from the
perspective of a married couple.
I'm Terrance and I'm Sandy, andtoday we're going to be talking
about what women look for in arelationship from their partner.
But before we do that, I justwanted to remind everyone to
(01:08):
follow us on your favoritepodcasting app and on all social
media at lunchwithsandycom.
And with that, let's get into.
How is Sandy doing today?
Sandy, how are you feeling?
Sandy (01:23):
Sandy's cold.
Turn the heat up my hands,though, they just stay cold all
the time.
Terrance (01:31):
I should just start wearing gloves, what you should
start doing is, you should wearthose half gloves and no offense
to hobos, we're going to callthem hobo gloves and then you
can stand over a tin can withsome fire and trash in it and
burn it and then warm your handsup.
That way we can call you hoboSandy.
Sandy (01:49):
Well, the problem is that it's my fingertips that are
always cold, so that way out ofthe hobo gloves.
Terrance (01:57):
Because it allows your fingertips to be closer to the
flame.
Get what I'm saying.
So your palms won't get toosweaty your fingertips to be
closer to the flame.
And you still have thedexterity to use those
fingertips.
Sandy (02:13):
So am I just bringing a metal trash can into the house?
No, no, you got to do thatoutside.
Terrance (02:18):
You got to go to hobo lane to do that no offense to
hobos.
Let me stop talking.
Let me stop talking about hobosgetting sidetracked.
So today I want to have thisconversation, and I need to.
At first, when I startedthinking about this, I know
there's a question out therethat the fellows would like to
have answered, and that questionis what do women want?
(02:39):
Now, I don't think we'd ever beable to answer that question,
so what I'm trying to do is Iwant to narrow this down and
talk about the characteristicsthat women look for when
searching for me.
And now I say all that to saythis I've lived in a house full
(03:04):
of women for a very, very longtime.
I was raised by some very, verystrong women, so I have some
insight to offer, and I alsohave done some research, some
polling, some surveying.
But being that we have a womanhere, we're going to pose this
(03:27):
question to you, and I'm goingto attempt to allow you to lead
this when I start thinking aboutall the information that I have
gathered and the people thatI've spoken to.
I've broken this down, from myperspective, into three parts
and I'm just going to talk about, I'm going to name the three
parts and then I'm going to puntit over to you.
(03:47):
Right when I started looking atthe input that I was getting
back.
I kind of broke it down tothree things and those three
things are foundationallythere's some characteristics
that women look for to form thebasis of every relationship.
Then I grouped some things intowhat I like to call pillars,
(04:08):
and I'm thinking about this as ahouse, because, you know, love
is a house.
It's a famous saying.
I believe they had a songcalled love is a house.
Shout out the four SIMDs.
So then I look at the pillarsto support.
You know the foundationsupports the pillars and the
pillars, you know they wouldtechnically form the roof, but I
didn't call it the roof, Icalled it the spice.
So before I go any further, I'mgoing to ask you this question,
(04:33):
Sandy, when it comes to carefulof the answer well, I mean be
careful of the question youasked for because you might not
like the answer.
Sandy (04:41):
I'm just kidding.
Terrance (04:43):
We speak the whole truth, and nothing but the truth
here, when it comes to thecharacteristics that you feel
women look for and, being thatyou're a woman, you should be
able to provide some insight tothis.
What are some of thecharacteristics that women look
for when they're searching for apartner?
Sandy (04:59):
Yeah, okay, because I was going to just say what a woman
wants is just good looks, abrain and a personality.
You got to give me more thanthat.
No, I'm slightly kidding, butto get into like a lifelong
(05:19):
partner, I think it needs tohave a little bit more depth and
I think the very first thing isbeing able to trust that person
.
So I think trust has a big partof it, because without trust,
really, what kind ofrelationship do you have?
(05:41):
So the trustworthiness ofsomebody, I think, is first and
primary.
Terrance (05:52):
For you, for me.
Sandy (05:53):
Well, yeah, obviously I can only talk regarding my
perspective.
Terrance (05:57):
Yeah.
So, from from everything thatI've I've seen and heard,
trustworthiness is is a very bigpart of that and there's
reasons for it, right.
So when, when you trust someoneor Someone shows you that
they're trustworthy, whatthey're doing is they're showing
you a couple of things.
One, they're showing thatthey're actually dependable,
(06:18):
right, when push comes to shove,you can count on them to be
there when you need them to be.
The other aspect of this andagain doesn't apply for everyone
but Truthful, you know, that'spart of well, it's not
truthfulness, but trust, it'spart of, it's actually part of
the definition once they'relooking for someone who is going
(06:40):
to be truthful.
And then there's also thataspect of being genuine, right.
And so when you take thosethree things and Someone is
truthful, they're genuine andthey're dependable.
I think that provides thatsense of trustworthiness that
(07:01):
Some women say they're lookingfor.
And I say and I use that term,say they're looking for, because
, again, I'll get into that alittle later, but I think there
are times when you know lookingfor it, but yet you deal with.
It's one of those things wheresometimes people don't practice
what they preach right you know,I mean, they say one thing and
then you know it's, it'scompletely something opposite
(07:21):
when it's actually put intopractice.
I'm surprised you saidTrustworthiness first.
Sandy (07:28):
Because I feel like the others come along.
Once you have trust, everythingcan be somewhat played off of
that trust well, I mean.
And as we get into it.
Terrance (07:49):
So, from so from the people who I've talked to, and
and from the research that I'vedone, one of the biggest things
that women prefer when lookingfor a partner is confidence.
Sandy (08:02):
Yeah, well, and that's why I started with trust,
because I think the trust alsohelps build the confidence in
the woman, so it's not just theman having it, but it's as a
woman having it.
I'm not getting it and then no,no, I know I get that, but
that's how I find that it'scorrelated.
So by having the trust firstand then the man with confidence
(08:23):
, it helps build your confidenceas well, and so that's why I
put trust is number one.
Terrance (08:29):
That's a weird correlation.
And I say that because you knowI'm a firm believer in, I'm a
firm believer in.
No one else is going to.
You have to build yourself upyou.
You have to be confident inyourself, right?
That confidence Shouldn't comefrom someone else.
Sandy (08:50):
So, but oftentimes it does so another person can
easily tear down your confidencein yourself Only if you allow
only if you allow so I'm.
Terrance (08:58):
I mean from the perspective of Self-confidence
in a person.
I'm talking about someone whois self assured, someone who
believes in themselves, and whenyou, when you come across
someone who believes inthemselves, that means you know
again they're not looking.
That's stuff that you don'thave to provide to them, they're
already coming with that.
(09:19):
They're bringing that actuallyto the actual relationship.
So that allows you to focus onyou and not have to worry about
so much from the perspective ofdo I need to be concerned if
this person is going to bebothered by ABC or they're gonna
feel insecure about this, thatand the other?
So having someone who isconfidence, confident has has
(09:41):
been high on a number ofpeople's lists and when, when we
talk about confidence, thereare additional parts that come
with that right.
So being confident is knowingwho you are right and knowing
what you want.
When you know who you are andyou know what you want, you can
(10:02):
be very direct and it's easierto find someone who is Going to
be compatible with you.
You're not searching foryourself.
So when the two individualscome together, it just makes
that much easier.
Because if I know that I'mlooking for this in a person and
and that person doesn't havethis, then it's easier for me to
(10:26):
say, okay, well, you know what?
Maybe we shouldn't get involvedin this because you ain't got
what I'm looking for.
But knowing who you are andknowing what you want, I think
many women find that veryAppealing.
Sandy (10:39):
Oh, most definitely.
A man can be as confident as hewants to be, but unless I trust
him, like that confidencedoesn't really mean much to me.
So that's again why I put trustas number one.
But you know, again, I'm onlyspeaking from my perspective.
Terrance (10:54):
Yeah and I'm not.
There's no, there's no order.
Sandy (10:57):
No, when it comes to this , that you were surprised?
Terrance (10:59):
Yeah, I was surprised, because you can trust somebody
and they can and you know, andthen you have to support.
My question to you would bethis uh-huh.
How can you trust someone right?
Yeah when they have absolutelyno confidence and you have to
keep reassuring them.
So, when you have to reassurethem every step of the way, how
(11:23):
can you know that they're goingto be dependable and reliable
when you need them to be?
Sandy (11:25):
Well, I'm just saying I don't want one without the other
.
I'm just saying that.
I'm just saying that inresponse to the last statement
that you're asking me, I put alittle bit more value in the
trust, because confidence, youknow, hopefully, I guess, if
there is some, if there is some,maybe that can be built upon,
you know who knows.
Or maybe I want them grapplingat my feet.
(11:47):
You know what I mean.
Terrance (11:47):
Yeah, well, to each his own.
You won't have this you won'thave that here and again I think
with with confidence too, Imean.
So there's a difference betweenno, yes link.
Sandy (11:57):
Who wants to have somebody, who needs to be
consistently you want somebodyconfident, you confident, that's
what you want yeah, no for sure.
Terrance (12:09):
Yeah, and there's a like.
I would like I was sayingthere's a difference between
being confident and beingegotistical or overbearing.
Yes, there is.
There is a line between the two, and you're not looking for
someone who is going to beStaring in the mirror all day
saying I'm the greatest thingsince sliced bread.
Sandy (12:28):
But you do that.
What are you doing?
Terrance (12:29):
I don't do that.
I mean, I am, but I don't dothat.
I don't have to do that.
Sandy (12:34):
Give yourself a pep talk every word.
And like you are the best, youare awesome.
Yeah, you've never seen me dothat Myself, I don't have to do
that.
Terrance (12:42):
My actions show that every day.
Sandy (12:44):
No you don't do that, but that would be kind of funny.
I would record that.
Terrance (12:48):
if you did, yeah, well , you know you got to get up
early in the morning if you wantto try to record that.
So, yeah, you know.
Another thing that came up, alot, and and tell me if you
agree or disagree, because again, I'm not a woman, but Integrity
was, was big that is big so,and it's not just like virtuous
(13:13):
actions, it's actually also thatyour actions have to align with
your words.
Sandy (13:18):
You need to use your words too, but I think like
those go hand in hand together,so you can't be saying one thing
and then doing another.
Like it needs to be on the samepage.
You know you can't say you loveme and then go step out on me
Like obviously so you wantsomeone with a strong moral
character.
Terrance (13:40):
Now again the question becomes, you know, do they see
that as a moral dilemma or not?
But right?
Sandy (13:45):
Well, I hope you have that conversation.
I mean like if you're withsomebody if they see that as a
moral dilemma.
Terrance (13:53):
I thought you were saying you hope they have that
conversation with themselves.
Is this morally or immorally?
Sandy (14:02):
So you know, but yes, integrity is woven in there as
well.
I feel like the three of themtogether is kind of what makes
up all of the DNA on the solidfoundation.
Terrance (14:15):
Yeah, when I talked about the foundation, those were
the three that actually Ilumped together.
So now you know, all womenstrive to have an emotional
connection in theirrelationships and I think that
there are three pillars thatactually make up the pieces to
(14:36):
that connection.
And let me know if you agree ordisagree with this first one.
And I think that one of thethings that all women want, or
one of the things that tends tobuild that emotional connection
between two people, is when awoman sees that a man is
compassionate.
Sandy (14:57):
No, I agree, and so I feel like compassion and empathy
is slightly different but verysimilar as well, and I think it
needs to be both, because youcan have compassion without
really having true empathy.
I think, like you can look atsomething and just be like, oh
(15:21):
yeah, that stinks.
But you know, to have that trueempathy, like you know, I'm
sorry for the way you're feeling, you know, you know stuff like
that.
So I think that is important tohave somebody who can
sympathize with you, kind of seeyour point, I guess, to some
(15:44):
degree, or see what you're goingthrough not really necessarily.
Terrance (15:48):
I agree, but I would say that that's part of being
compassionate.
Sandy (15:52):
I slightly different connotation, but very similar,
like I said explain well,because you can.
Terrance (16:02):
I'm talking about so from the perspective of having
someone who can be empathetic toyour point of view.
I think that is part of thebuilding blocks of being
compassionate, because you can'tbe compassionate towards a
person if you don't understandwhere it is that they're coming
from.
Sandy (16:20):
I think there can be differences.
You know, so, for lack of abetter example, I'm going to
bring up Aila.
Aila is very compassionate.
When she, you know, sees thingsand stuff like that, you know
(16:42):
her heart goes out.
But if you hurt yourself, likeAila doesn't always say are you
alright?
You know what I mean.
Like there's just a differencebetween compassion and empathy.
Like compassion is havingcompassion for that person
because they're going through itsomething, and then empathy is
(17:03):
really understanding, I think,and feeling more of what,
feeling more for the person thatthey're going through.
Terrance (17:11):
I think they can exist in the same plane not to go too
far down, but I think they canexist in the same plane Because,
again, I think, in order to becompassionate towards someone,
you have to have some sense ofunderstanding of what it is that
they're going through and, inthe true sense of the word, that
is empathy.
You might not be the mostempathetic person to the fullest
degree, but the fact that youcan understand or relate to what
(17:34):
it is that they're goingthrough and feel for it.
Sandy (17:37):
Yeah, I just wanted to put as much stress on empathy as
well as compassion.
Terrance (17:43):
Yeah, well, I mean, that's, that's but I agree.
Yeah, I think that for the mostpart, everyone wants someone
who's going to be able tosympathize with whatever it is
that they're actually goingthrough, someone who can
actually share in whether it'stheir joy or their fears or
whatever and be compassionatetowards them in those areas.
Sandy (18:03):
So yeah, well, honestly, I think it just ties with
emotional availability.
Yeah the person has to havesome kind of emotion to them.
They can't just be rigid like arock.
Terrance (18:17):
Well, I think.
I think that all women want mento be vulnerable to a
particular perspective when itcomes to their emotions and
being able to open up about them.
Well, right, because you don'twant not saying that's going to
happen all the time.
Sandy (18:37):
No, it's not, but you're right.
I think Somebody trying to bevulnerable while still confident
, even like we, brought up inthe solid foundation, is
important, like it's not beingvulnerable to where they're like
breaking down you know what Imean and losing themselves, it's
(18:58):
more listen being able to talkabout their feelings.
Talk about, you know whataffected them, what didn't
affect them, you know.
Terrance (19:09):
I think the hard part about it is people get caught up
in social norms and roles andif a man wants to break down,
let that man break down.
I think social roles have madepeople believe that they have to
act a certain way, and I thinkthat's why it's hard for a lot
(19:32):
of men at times to beemotionally available, because
if you look at the way thatothers view it, that can be
deemed as being weak oh, that'swhat I was just gonna say and
you know.
Sandy (19:44):
That's why I mean like it has to be.
Terrance (19:49):
I guess that's why I said confident as well, because
not the issue at hand is we'reall human and we all feel, and
we shouldn't let other people'sopinion dictate how we process
or, you know, deal with thosefeelings, and I think that's one
(20:12):
of the biggest problems that weactually have in this world
today.
Everyone looks at what thesocial norms are and if they
fall outside of those things,they view it as okay.
Well, someone's gonna view mein a particular life and
ultimately, the only opinionthat should really matter should
be yours and those closest toyou.
Sandy (20:31):
So yeah, I guess what I was trying to point out was no,
I get it, I can't talk aboutyour feelings and you can have
conversations about that, and aslong as it's not and you know
again, this is just myperspective as long as it's not
where you're constantly justneedy, I guess, is.
Terrance (20:53):
So now let me ask you a question, cuz see now you just
opened up a can of worms there,right?
So I think if someone can havethose conversations, if a man
can have those conversations,and I think they are confident,
because they're confident enoughto have those conversations.
Now you use the term right thata lot of times you use this
term when you just werereferring to a man, saying he
(21:15):
shouldn't be needed, but a lotof times there are women who
come across as being needy.
Now is that okay?
Sandy (21:20):
because, again, no, it's not well what are you saying?
Terrance (21:25):
I'm needing no you was listen, don't put words in my
mouth.
I think.
Sandy (21:30):
I.
I think it's fine if every nowand then you're looking for a
confidence booster like you'resignificant so listen, I also.
I think there's a.
There's a line between justneeding.
Terrance (21:45):
I just want to make sure that you're not creating a
double standard here, you can'tsay on one side it's, it's fine.
Sandy (21:51):
If you need a confidence booster, listen, if it's okay
but if it's all the time, that'swhen it becomes needy, and that
should be for men and women.
Yeah, but I think that.
Terrance (22:00):
I think the challenge with that is everyone's
definition is a little different.
Like you say, all the timesomeone can be like oh well, you
know what.
You're being real needy rightnow.
You know what I mean.
So that's the one area whereyou want to be careful, because
it's every day, that's all thetime well, no.
So here's the thing, that'syour definition yeah, that is my
definition.
Not everyone has the samedefinition so that's why exactly
(22:22):
it is your perspective.
I just want to make sure thatyou're not creating a double
standard here, because again, ifI say, hey, listen, you're
being needy honestly, my thingwould be like once a month.
Sandy (22:31):
If you need a confidence booster once a month, that's
fine oh good, we're gonna.
Terrance (22:40):
Sandy is saying it's okay for women to be needy, but
not men that's not what I said Ithink that's what I heard and
women if they need a confidencebooster once a month.
Sandy (22:50):
In my opinion that is.
Terrance (22:53):
If you're looking that's part of sandy's
definition.
I'm not gonna give you once amonth.
I might give you once a yearbut if it's every day that's
needy oh goodness, all rightlet's, let's move on from the,
from the needy people.
So let me ask you this whatabout respect?
Sandy (23:13):
that's important.
Obviously I was gonna spell itout do you don't.
Terrance (23:20):
I know, I know I would be afraid we lose a bunch of
followers.
So let me ask you this questiondo you respect the needy men?
Sandy (23:28):
no, no let's stick with respect.
So, yeah, it's.
Yeah, respect is reallyimportant to me, honest, and
it's not just even I had a lossfor words at this point, I guess
(23:48):
but jumping.
I'm I'm thinking more along thelines like you have to respect
my decisions, like respect isn'tjust whatever it's not just you
as a person, but your decisions, your values, because you can
respect the person.
You can respect their decisionsand values and still not agree
(24:08):
with them no, that's what I wasactually trying to get at and I
could not formulate the words,but I think you're being real
needy right now really needy.
Right there, there's my one forthe month.
Yeah, so I was having a troublewith my words, but I think I
have it back.
Respect is understanding thatwhile you're in a relationship
(24:29):
you're still two differentpeople you know, and you're not
gonna think the same 100% of thetime.
You're not.
You didn't all of a suddenbecome this one person and merge
your heads together, like.
So the respect has to be thatI'm not gonna always see or not
see, but I'm not going to alwaysagree with an opinion of you,
(24:54):
and then at that point therespect really comes in when you
agree to just disagree anddon't keep like harping on it.
Terrance (25:02):
Yeah, and respect is a two-way street right, and by
that what I mean is I'm not justtalking about respecting one
another, but you have to respectyourself and at times, you've
got to respect those individualswho are around your partner.
Now, sometimes, some of thosepeople around your partner will
press the boundaries.
I mean, I'm saying they'llpress the boundaries and
(25:24):
sometimes you know you'll haveto have a conversation with your
partner about hey, listen, ifyou don't check that, then I
will.
And I think that goes.
I think that's part of thattwo-way street.
When we're talking aboutrespect, you can't expect your
partner to respect all thosepeople around you your friends
and family if they are notrespecting that individual.
(25:45):
And if you respect that person,then you will have a
conversation with them to say,hey, listen, that's not going to
fly.
So I think that's important too.
Sandy (25:53):
So you mean because this was going to be one of my points
too is you mean like if, say,one of my friends is being
disrespectful, not towards you,but maybe in discussion of you,
right Got?
Terrance (26:10):
to put them in their spot.
Sandy (26:12):
Like that is also respect .
Like listen, that's my husband.
Don't talk about him like that.
Terrance (26:20):
Yeah, and I mean it doesn't have to be you know it's
always respectful.
Sandy (26:25):
No, it's always respectful.
Terrance (26:27):
I think what happens is when you allow someone to
talk out of turn about someoneyou're in a relationship with,
that does a number of things.
One, it makes them believe it'sokay for them to actually
continue to do that.
Sandy (26:48):
Yeah.
Terrance (26:49):
And two, it shows that you don't have respect enough
for that person or yourrelationship to have a
conversation with them to sayhey, listen, I don't appreciate
you speaking about mysignificant other and that
particular tone.
If you're really someone closeto me, you wouldn't choose to
(27:09):
actually do that.
Sandy (27:11):
And it also can be how they're treating me like.
To be honest, if you have afriend, that's always I don't
want to say always hitting onyou, because that's not
necessarily well.
I hoped that that's not thecase, but just saying like
inappropriate things.
I would hope that that wouldalso be a discussion like oh
(27:34):
yeah, no, it doesn't have to besomething that ain't going to
fly.
Terrance (27:37):
It doesn't have to be bad as if it's out of pocket.
It's out of pocket, yeah, andthat's something that has to
have.
You know you have to have aconversation about if you have
that respect.
You don't have that respect,then you won't have that
conversation.
Sandy (27:51):
Yep.
Terrance (27:53):
So now let's get to this last, this last category.
This is my favorite.
Sandy (27:56):
Well, like spice, you can't have any.
Terrance (27:59):
Yeah, and I didn't want to call it that, but for
lack of a better word, I'm justgoing to use the term spice.
But honestly, you know,sprinkles, sprinkles, you can
call it the sprinkles, but Ithink, I think for me, I would
think that this would be corefor some women.
Well, one part of it would beand again, in some cases it's
not, and so I'm going to go tothe one that I think that was
(28:25):
the one that I believe wouldtake priority over the other or
the other one, and that is whena woman is looking for, you know
, a significant other.
I would believe that thematurity level of that
individual would be high on thelist of characteristics that
they'd actually be looking for.
Sandy (28:41):
And when I say women once , well, I mean baby child to
each his own.
I mean thank you.
Terrance (28:48):
This goes back to that whole.
This goes back to that whole.
You know, practice what youpreach, right, and when I talk
about maturity, I'm not justtalking about, I'm talking about
emotional and mental maturity,right, you know, because you can
have one without the other.
But I think that it's importantthat when you're looking for
(29:10):
someone and again I'm speaking,but again this is I'm basing
this off conversations that I'veactually had, because, again,
I'm not a woman you want someonewho is emotionally able to
communicate on all thesedifferent levels, but mentally
mature enough to actually bethat person they need to be when
(29:32):
you need them to be that person.
Sandy (29:34):
Just put an image in my head of you trying to throw a
temperature in a potato.
I don't know how.
Terrance (29:40):
I put that image in your head.
Sandy (29:42):
Because I'm trying to think of you as being immature.
Terrance (29:46):
When is the when is name?
One time where you see me throwa temperature?
Sandy (29:50):
But that just that's.
That was the funny picture thatI put in my own head for this.
Terrance (29:58):
Well, let's get away from her temperature.
Sandy (30:01):
Honestly, again, just my perspective.
You know, the only kind ofperson I want to raise is my
children, you know, and I don'twant to have to be taking care
of my significant other, youknow.
Terrance (30:14):
I'm one minute different because someone might
have a mother complex.
Sandy (30:16):
They might.
Terrance (30:17):
I certainly don't.
Sandy (30:19):
I'm trying to get rid of responsibilities.
I'm going to take on more.
The last thing I want is arelationship with somebody who I
now have to like watch over,because they're just immature
and well sometimes you want togo to a take care.
Throw in temper tantrums orwomen.
Terrance (30:38):
All right.
What about a sense of humor?
Sandy (30:43):
Oh, you know, I personally need that one.
Terrance (30:46):
You definitely need it , because yours is out of whack.
Sandy (30:51):
No, I don't think so, which I jerk around a lot.
I laugh a lot.
So if somebody is not making melaugh, you know, and I'm having
to find my own silly humor ahundred percent of the time I
can probably get a little crazy.
Terrance (31:09):
Well, yeah, you know, because you know they say
laughter is the best medicine,and it's not so much that the
person has to make you laugh allthe time, but to be able to
laugh at something with you orfind something humorous that you
find humorous Because you know,if they're just stoic the whole
time and they don't findanything funny, good, I mean,
(31:33):
again, there's someone foreveryone out there which is
funny, because I don't think youfind me funny very often, but
at least you're just well,listen, it's not that I don't
find you funny, it's that yourjokes.
There's a difference betweenfinding someone humorous and
finding their jokes funny.
Your jokes just aren't funny.
(31:53):
I never said you weren't afunny person.
Your jokes just aren't funny.
They don't hit and you seem tobelieve they hit.
I mean you swing for the fenceswith those jokes.
Sandy (32:05):
Because they might not hit with you, but they hit with
other people.
Terrance (32:08):
So it's fine.
Let's rephrase they don't hitwith anyone in this house, and
not even, and not even because Iknow what you're going to say.
That's not even just Ailaeither I agree to disagree.
Sandy (32:23):
Yeah, there you go.
Terrance (32:24):
I respect you enough to allow you to agree to
disagree.
Sandy (32:28):
My jokes land more at work, I think.
Terrance (32:31):
Yeah, I guess.
Sandy (32:35):
But and I have another one too.
So I think romance is a bigpart of the spice, and when I
say romance, like not justsomebody who is going to whine
and dine you all the time, butit should be somewhat like a
(32:58):
love song A love song.
What so, when you think about it, all the good love songs that
we like listen to, but no,somebody who uses his words to
tell you how much they care andhow you're the only one for them
(33:19):
to, because you want somebodythat's going to just say it, not
just again, kind of like theactions in the words.
So say it and show it thatyou're the only one for them,
you know what I mean.
Terrance (33:33):
You want someone to sing you a love song.
They can just take somebodyelse's words and just repeat
them.
Sandy (33:38):
The twinkle of their eye.
Their don't give me that look.
Terrance (33:43):
I didn't give you no look, that's you reading into
whatever you thought you saw,but just think of like the best
R&B song.
Sandy (33:51):
That's what you want that person to say to you.
Yeah, and act like it too.
Terrance (33:57):
Yeah, I'm going to let you live with that right there.
Think of the best R&B song.
That's what you want someone tosay to you.
Sandy (34:03):
Yeah, and I think actions and words together are very
important.
Terrance (34:08):
First off, listen.
I would say this again I'm nota woman, but I would believe
that they don't want you sayingsomeone else's song.
So it was not going to besomeone else's words.
So it's not going to be thewords from an R&B song.
It's going to be the words thatthey actually come up with and
say themselves.
Sandy (34:25):
Yeah, but just at least some words.
Terrance (34:28):
You look beautiful today you said the bar low.
Sandy (34:31):
You know what I mean, it just needs to just be said.
I'm saying as well but yeah,who doesn't love a good R&B love
song?
Terrance (34:41):
Yeah, all right, we're going to wrap this Sure.
Sandy (34:43):
You can say an R&B love song.
Terrance (34:45):
We're going to wrap this up.
That's fine, as you've allwitnessed after listening to
this.
Ultimately, understanding whatwomen want from a characteristic
perspective is a balance ofequilibrium, and I'm not sure we
will ever get one set ofguidelines from any woman on
(35:07):
what it is that they're lookingfor in a man, but hopefully some
of the information that weprovided with you today will
help you on your journey.
Sandy (35:17):
Hopefully.
Terrance (35:18):
When it comes to finding whoever it is that
you're actually looking for.
With that being said, let meget into my reflection of the
week, and this is something thatwe need to do more often.
We need to take a moment toappreciate the progress that
we've made and understand thateach day is an opportunity for
us to grow and move towardsself-discovery.
(35:40):
Sometimes we have a goal inmind and the goal may seem so
far out of reach that you're notlooking at the progression that
you're making on a daily basis.
So be sure to make sure thatyou take stock and appreciate
those little wins on aday-to-day basis as you progress
(36:03):
.
Thank you for joining us on aLunch with Sandy podcast.
Please be sure to follow us andleave feedback on your favorite
podcasting app, as well associal media.
Until next time, stay well.
Announcer (36:20):
That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with
Sandy podcast.
Thanks for listening.
We'd love to hear your feedbackand comments on Instagram,
tiktok and Twitter and Lunchwith Sandy, and be sure to
follow us on your favoritepodcast app.
If you enjoyed the show, don'tforget to rate and review us.
Thanks again for listening tothe Lunch with Sandy podcast.
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