October 21, 2024 • 45 mins
Have you ever wondered how to maintain a thriving marriage amidst the chaos of life? Join us from our intimate Sukkah setting, where we share the joys of Sukkot, a dream realized with Tony’s hard work, and reveal how the same dedication applies to nurturing a loving relationship. As we navigate the personal and global events that weigh on our hearts, including the tragic events in Israel, we reflect on justice, pain, and hope. Our four-year journey together comes alive through cherished memories and the lessons we've learned along the way.
Marriage is a journey filled with both challenges and triumphs, and we explore what it truly means to foster a genuine partnership. From sharing responsibilities to understanding the mental load each partner carries, we unravel the complexities of modern adult life. Through effective communication and role adaptation, we find harmony amidst parenting and work pressures. Discover how we handle these dynamics, ensuring resentment doesn’t take root, and how we maintain intimacy and connection, especially through life's transitions like postpartum.
Tune in as we unpack the importance of vigilance and self-awareness, offering practical advice to keep your relationship thriving. We dive into the significance of physical intimacy, friendship, and mutual respect, all while enjoying shared activities that keep the spark alive. Our candid discussion on maintaining boundaries and supporting each other’s growth serves as a reminder of the healing power of communication. As we celebrate our four-year anniversary, we cherish the fulfilling journey of love and partnership, with a touch of humor from our shared love for reality shows like "Love is Blind.
Your hosts: @lynnhazan_ and @tonydoesknow
follow us on social @ltkpod!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, welcome to the Lynn and Tony Know podcast.
I'm your host, Lynn.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
And I'm Tony.
We are both wellness coachesand married with kids.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Join us as we talk about all things health,
wellness, relationships, lifehacks, parenting and everything
in between, unfiltered.
Thanks for listening and let'sget into it.
Welcome to the show Welcomeback.
We're in a special location.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We're doing a SukaPod .
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Okay, well, to those who don't know what a sukkah is,
can you explain what a sukkahis?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Yes, a sukkah is a temporary structure built
outside for the holiday ofSukkot, and you are meant to eat
all your meals in it.
Some people go as far,apparently, as to sleep in it.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Not many.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
How many?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I don't know.
I think maybe the ultrareligious, but even then I don't
think they are but it stays upfor eight days.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Eight days you eat all your meals in it and, uh, I
figured we should record a podin it.
It's so cute in here, I love it.
It's a vibe, so, and it's avibe.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
And Tony built this for me, for us, I know, but
she's been wanting one since westarted dating.
Since we started dating, I wasalways like oh, it's Sukkot,
it's such a cute holiday andthis is before, obviously,
pre-October 7th, where we'vebecome a little bit more
traditional in a sense.
I've always talked about Sukkot.
I always thought it was like areally cute holiday.
(01:24):
My parents never had a sukkahso I was always jealous at, like
, the other kids in my schoolwho had a sukkah, because, like
we would like, it was just cute,you know, it's fun.
My uncle used to host us and hehad a sukkah and I always, like
, loved it suki, sukkah yeah,shuki sukkah.
yeah, my uncle's name is shuki,so, um, yeah, so we used to hang
out there and eat meals, andthen this year we have we had
(01:47):
the opportunity of building one,and Tony did it.
So to all the women listening,whether you're single in a
relationship.
If he wanted to, he would.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Tony knew that I really wanted this and he
figured it out and fucking builtit and it was the sexiest thing
ever and he gets blowjobsforever built it and it was the
sexiest thing ever, and he getsblowjobs forever.
Um, also, huge shout out tosuper jew christopher columbus,
because without columbus day Iwouldn't have had the time to do
so yeah, it's true, and itlooks great and it came out
great and I'm like reallygrateful for it yeah, it's fun
(02:19):
and it's gonna be sad for it tocome down.
That will be sad because thenI'll have to find another day to
take it down, which is hard,but yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
So before we get into the four, so this is a special
episode it's our four-yearanniversary when this comes out,
so tomorrow.
And we want to kind of talkabout our relationship and what
makes it work.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
But before that, last week, it was a very joyous day
because yeah, four days agoSenwar was killed in Rafah, and
it was not an assassination.
It was simply a routinemilitary exercise where
terrorists were identified in abuilding and taken out, and one
(03:06):
of them happened to beYahasenwar.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
I can't believe this day has come.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
No, it's a remarkable day and in the smaller context
of the war, it's going to godown as one of the more
remarkable days in Israel'shistory.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
And it was a 19-year-old who did it, a
19-year-old who was only 19 yearold.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Who did it?
19 year old who?
Speaker 1 (03:25):
was only, who was only in nine months in his
service.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
And he's old.
Apparently he was ultraOrthodox as well.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Well, Hashem guided his hand into history with that,
so and see where it goes now.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
The community, the Jewish community and obviously
in Israel.
Everyone was just ecstaticabout this because this person
has caused so much pain andsuffering to Israelis and
Palestinians.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
And, all that being said, that day was very happy
for me because it was like it'sjust like justice is served type
thing.
But I think the day after waslike the reality of like we
still have a hundred hostages,the war isn't over, it's still
going on, and like real victorywill be when our hostages come
(04:15):
home and are with their familiesand can begin the healing
process.
Like we're still going throughthis and it's just like so many
mixed feelings.
You know like we could be happythat he's gone but also
continue.
And you know also Jew hatred,aside from the war, is just the
anti-Semitism that is happeningaround us.
And now you know it's electionseason and things are so
(04:39):
prolific and crazy and it's justlike it's intense, like social
media has created this justplace of just toxicity and I
just like can't handle itsometimes yeah, listen, go back
to our last episode and andcheck out what we had to say
with an expert on all of that,but yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
it's a tough place to exist without the right mindset
, um, and probably mostimportantly, without the ability
to regulate and put it downonce in a while, 100%.
So, with all that being said,stay on long enough to listen to
this episode and to follow uson Instagram so that you can get
, hopefully, some upliftingstuff in your feed every once in
(05:22):
a while.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
So I want to talk about Okay.
So we're in our four-yearanniversary tomorrow and I
remember this Q&A that we did inDecember of 2020, which is four
years ago, and it was twomonths after we started dating,
and we did a long Q&A.
I hard-launched Tony onober31st like it was a hard launch
(05:46):
on instagram mostly because youhad to show off your halloween
costume yeah, so like you werefor your.
Your hand was sort of forcedright and here's the thing we
talked like in our first andsecond episode of our first
season.
We talk about how we met.
So we're not going to talkabout that today, um, but here's
a funny video.
Like one of us asked us, holdon, hold on One of us.
(06:09):
Somebody asked us how good isthe NRE, the new relationship
energy, hold on.
Um, clearly awesome.
We're very happy, but I feellike we're going to sustain this
energy for a while now.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Yeah, I think it's.
I think it's very possible tokeep new relationship energy the
whole time and not have it belike a new thing.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yes, agreed how do you keep the new relationship
energy going by like not?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
by not not labeling it as new relationship energy.
That implies that, like when itdisappears, it's okay so god I
was smart four years ago, isn't?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
it crazy that four years has passed since then.
Like obviously we're not in anew relationship, like no, so
how do you feel about our energy?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
I love it.
I I feel exactly like evenwatching that video.
Like that feels normal, Likethat that entered the way we
were talking about it, yourreaction, all of it feels like
us today.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Like nothing about that feels foreign or like, oh
man, I wish we could go backthere, granted the, you know,
the parameters on which we canoperate in terms of us hanging
out and us going out and usdoing stuff are different now
because we obviously we have, wehave, um, an amazing almost
two-year-old and so that, andreal life problems like like I,
(07:33):
at the time that we starteddating, you were living in
brooklyn, I was living in jerseycity, like you had met mia, but
we weren't like living together, we were still.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
We were just like dating and you know, we weren't
talking about like moving in yetI don't think, and we weren't
talking about marriage.
We haven't merged our our lives,and it all we had to focus on
was each other that's true youknow, like I had I have 50 50
custody with my ex-husband andso like on the days that I
didn't have mia, we would spendtime.
So like it was like veryseparate from like real life
(08:03):
decisions and and you know we'readults.
It's not like normal peoplenecessarily dating who don't
have kids, who don't have amortgage.
It's like easier, that's allyou can focus on.
But, like in my case, I had anex-husband, I have an ex-husband
and I have a kid and I have afull-grown bit like business and
and like we didn't merge ourlives together.
So it's cool watching us backthen and we still have that like
(08:26):
fun, energy and like in likebeing in love on top of all the
problems that surround us.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Like yeah, it's a good point actually you know
what I'm saying, like we still.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
We still are excited to like hang out, we're still
excited to like try new thingsand we're not like jaded by like
real life stuff.
And I want to talk about what.
How did we, how were we able tosustain this energy?
Um, and you know, it's fouryears and again, I know that
people have been together forlonger and it gets sometimes
(09:02):
more complicated depending onwhen you meet each other.
But I can only talk about us,right, and I've been married
before, so I have something tolike compare it to, in a way,
and there are three things thatI think are essential in a
marriage.
Do you want to hear the threethings?
Speaker 2 (09:18):
I would love to.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Number one is true partnership, like real
partnership, meaning we bothcarry the load of the day to day
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
You know, tony knows if there's dishes like, I don't
have to tell him, like, go washthe dishes.
He knows if he walks into thekitchen and there's a mountain
of dishes, he just does themRight.
And vice versa.
Same with me.
If, like, the living room is amess, we clean the living room.
Either he does or I do.
We are a true partnership.
(09:52):
And then within that containerof our partnership is also we
each have our roles, like.
My role is to like make surethat the groceries are done
every week and there's mealplanning and activities and
paying bills.
Tony does all the drop-offs andand uh, uh, for you know he
takes care of all the soccerstuff.
He, you know, he like.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
I, I'm pretty much uh the general in the mornings and
for bedtime, at least for Noah.
Um, those are my uh to takeover and I'm with noah from
three to six yeah, we have adivision of labor that is is
pretty clearly defined.
Although we didn't, we didn'tnecessarily define them outright
(10:36):
from the beginning, we theywere relatively natural roles
that we settled into, um, andthen along the way there's
definitely been conversationswhere things have been off or
adjustments need to be made thatwe talk about and make those
adjustments along the way.
So we adjust our roles prettyfluidly as needed, yeah, and
(10:58):
it's about.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
So I think that.
So, back to the point, is thatit's a true partnership and some
weeks he picks up the slack ifI'm not feeling well and some
weeks I pick up the slack if hehas a lot going on.
And again, there's a lot ofcommunication involved and, of
course, things fall through thecracks and we're not perfect.
And as a woman and as a mom,sometimes I feel like the mental
load can be overwhelming andit's something that we
(11:21):
definitely definitely had todiscuss, you know, had to
discuss right and work through.
But in general I don't havelike I don't feel resentment
towards him for not putting inthe time, you know, and I feel
like a lot of men in marriagesthey kind of just like go to
work and they don't really haveto deal with the mental load.
(11:44):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
They don't care, I'll push back on that a little bit.
The mental load for men is notas commonly discussed, and the
mental load for us that isn'tdiscussed is to, in a lot of
cases, provide and thenultimately protect, like to
protect your family.
(12:05):
To be vigilant to threats toyour family, whether they're
real or not, is a mental loadthat there are very few outside
of that that could understandwhat that feels like and over
the past year specifically, hasbeen amplified to a degree that
I would never have guessed Likethere is.
(12:26):
There is a weight of makingsure that your family is safe
within the home when you go out.
Whatever you're doing that isis heavy.
I mean that that that's a heavyload.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I mean, I'm not saying all men I think you
specifically carry a mental load, like I know you do.
But I think from conversationsthat I have with women and their
issues in marriages is thatthey feel like they're carrying
most of the mental load.
They're the default parent.
They're, you know the kidsalways go to them, you know, for
stuff like they need.
Mommy, mommy, daddy is justlike goes to play golf on
(13:01):
Sundays and does his own thing,and and there's there, like goes
to play golf on Sundays anddoes his own thing, and and
there's there's a lot of issueslike that in marriages and and
that kind of breaks things downand you know the woman starts
feeling like resentful.
Like you know there was a lotof on our plate right now.
Like as women, like we'reexpected to have kids to, we're
expected to be home with ourkids, but then we're expected to
(13:22):
also make money and contributeand pay half the bills.
We're expected to look good andwork out while also having time
for our husbands and our kids.
There's just so muchexpectation for being a woman.
It's like it's almost likeimpossible and having a partner
a partner in crime in that sensethat takes the load off or it
(13:46):
makes life easier.
Like you're in this together.
It shouldn't be.
You know, some husbands arelike, oh, I'll help you.
Like no, you're not helping me.
This is your house too, it'syour kids, you know.
Like this is your.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Yeah, that's a mindset thing.
Right Like men, don't babysit.
Right, it's your child.
You know what?
Right Like men, don't babysit,right, it's your child.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
You know what I mean.
Like it's your kid, and thereare situations where some men
become like the you know, like,let's say, you have two kids,
they become like the third child, like you need to make them
lunch and you need to like dothe laundry and you need to like
almost baby them and give thema list.
Oh, these are the things thatneed to get done.
Like that adds to the mentalload, you know, and I think that
(14:25):
me and you have worked throughsome of that stuff and like like
I do feel like you, you push,you pull your weight, and when I
feel like you don't, like wehave a discussion, we have a
discussion around it.
So that's number one.
I think is key is is truepartnership and and and
obviously communication comes,comes with that.
The second thing is sex.
Okay, a lot of have sex, likecontinue having sex, and it's
(14:51):
really easy, especially for youknow, when you have kids, to
find excuses not to.
We have our nights where wedon't want to have sex, but we
know we have to do it, and youknow what I mean Like we have to
do it, no, no no, okay, thereare nights where we could easily
just not do it and it doesn'ttake too much to flip the switch
(15:14):
and go.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Oh wait, we both really like this part.
Yeah, let's just do it.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
We never, you never it's like.
It's like you never regret aworkout.
You never regret having sexLike with your, with your
partner, yeah, Obviously notwith somebody else.
No, I mean With your partner.
Yeah, obviously not withsomebody else.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
No, I mean in your marriage, In your marriage right
?
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Yes, Because if you take the intimacy part out of
the equation, you're justroommates and it's so easy, like
once you stop having sex.
It makes it like the longer yougo without having sex, the
harder it is to get back on thehorse no pun.
You know what I mean.
And I think the biggest thingin longevity in a marriage is
(15:53):
physical intimacy.
And I work with you know momswho are postpartum and it's
challenging because your body'schanged.
You don't feel great, right,like you've gained weight,
you're still trying to figureyourself out, you're touched out
, you're, you know you'rebreastfeeding, like your body is
not yours anymore.
It's so understandable that thelast thing you're thinking
about is sex.
Yeah, right, so what I usuallyadvise, like my clients in those
(16:16):
in that, in those cases, like,okay, you don't want to have sex
, that's totally fine, you haveto.
You know, obviously, listen toyourself and but how about, like
some sort of intimacy?
Right, talk to your partner andsay, listen, I'm not ready for
sex yet, but let's slowly getthere, right, let's remove the
sex out of the equation.
Let's just build some sort ofphysical intimacy.
(16:36):
So, having a massage night?
Right, like, give each otherback massages.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Oh, I dare you to give each other massage and that
not lead to sex.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Not always does, but back massages are great, or just
like cuddle or make out, likejust kiss, with no you know
expectations for it to lead toanything else.
And once you kind of getcomfortable with that physical
intimacy and doing it daily,like it doesn't take long.
You know, I love the GottmanInstitute.
They are a couple and they'vebeen advising marriages for
(17:08):
years.
They have multiple books.
I love them on social media andthey have something called the
six-second kiss.
Make out for six seconds, likecreate that intimacy and slowly
build to a place where you canfeel good to have sex again.
Now I was nervous after havingNoah.
Like you know it was postpartum.
You know six weeks you're notsupposed to have sex.
I was nervous, like I don'tfeel sexy, I feel like shit.
(17:31):
But seeing Tony in his element,be a good dad and just like
just be so helpful and just sothere for me emotionally and
physically and just like Iwanted to be, you know, physical
with him.
So it goes both ways, right.
So if you're a husband andyou're listening to this, like
when's the last time you've toldyour wife that you think she's
(17:54):
beautiful or that you showedsome sort of gratitude or
appreciation, it goes both ways.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Sure, and this part also builds on one of the
fundamental parts of number onethat you gave, where, when you
find yourself in a relationshipwhere the arc between you two is
not right and the man becomesthe extra child moms don't want
(18:24):
to fuck their kids usually.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Ew yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
So yeah, if you are in a dynamic where you're being
mothered by your wife, the sexwill die a hundred percent and
will not come back until thatrole is redefined.
So very important to buildnumber one in where you are
carrying your weight you don'tbecome a burden on her, because
then there's not going to be anattraction.
(18:48):
There's no chance for intimacyonce you've found yourself in
that position.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Absolutely, and yeah, sex is really important.
I think if, like, you'restruggling in that area, go see
a therapist.
Like work on it.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
I'll redefine it slightly Intimacy.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Intimacy yes.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
Yeah, because you can go through the motions of sex
and not be beneficial to yourmarriage Like you have to have
the intimacy part of that inorder for it to matter.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Yeah, and you know, sometimes we schedule it,
sometimes we you know we'll dolike a massage night and it
always leads to sex Because youknow you're relaxed and we try
to do it a couple times a week,like two.
Three times is like a good week.
Yeah, it's healthy.
(19:34):
So that's number two isintimacy, right.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I feel like a listener right now because we
did not discuss this at all andyou have this whole hypothesis
here, I just like in my brain.
I know, it's just in my brain,okay.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
So number three.
What was number three Shit?
We should have talked about itbefore.
I had a number three.
Oh no, okay she got itfriendship, friendship okay you
have to like really like eachother, yeah like.
You have to like like hangingout together like this seems
really simple why it's really,really simple.
(20:05):
I just feel like some peoplelike are married to people they
don't like necessarily what doyou mean?
Like they love each other butlike they have nothing in common
or they don't enjoy doing thesame thing and it's okay to be
different people.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
But you need to like each other and you need to have
fun together.
You know, like I think it's notabout who you want to grow old
with is who you want to be a kidwith.
I heard that quote somewhere.
You know, like that's what.
That's what it is Like we.
When I'm with Tony, I feel likemy inner child is just beaming.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Yeah, we're sitting in a tent right now.
I know we have fun and we're.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
you know, I'm in my forties and I feel like like a
kid sometimes and people alwaystell me that I look young is
because, like Tony and I have agood time.
Like aside from like life'sshitty moments, we have a good
time.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
We have a great time.
I'm almost in my forties andstill feel like a kid.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Okay, rub that shit in you asshole, um, but yeah,
that's the point is like, haveis having fun together and again
, we understand having kids andschedule constraints and things
like that, but your kids?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Doing nothing is so easy.
I get it, like doing that,staying in and doing nothing is
easy.
But when you go online and whenyou see the reels of us going
out to the dance party, like inthe afternoon on a Saturday, or
going to the cupcake store orgoing to wherever, like, yes, it
would be so much easier not todo any of those things, and we
get it.
There are always going to bereasons not to do it, but those
(21:36):
are the things that keep usconnected, that keep us in the
spirit of play and keep uschildlike.
Yeah, like it would be so easynot to do any of that stuff.
Yeah, we could easily sit onthe couch and we're not rich
people.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
We don't have like full-time help like we, we make
it work and with some, you know,a lot of times we have to say
no to things and we make it.
Where I have a, a wonderfulhouse sitter, like she's amazing
, she's been with us for yearsand she helps.
And album might be might benumber four.
Yeah, having an alibi is numberfour for a marriage.
Um, we're not the richestpeople, but we make it work.
(22:10):
And if you are really unable togo out, there could be many
reasons.
You set up a date night at home, like once the kids are in bed,
like cook a sexy meal together,open a bottle of wine or
whatever you know, watch a movieor just talk, play a board game
.
Likeal hanging out time withyour partner is so necessary.
(22:31):
Do it for your kids.
The happiest kids are the kidswho have parents that hang out
and like each other.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
You need to have connection time at least once a
week, tony and I.
If we go days without ourhanging out we also build it in.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Like we have little built-in moments throughout the
day that we've essentiallytrained ourselves on.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Okay, so you want to give that detail.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Yeah.
So I mean, it's mostly at night, and the two things at night
are number one, the gratitudejournal, where we just we talk
about all the things that stoodout to us about the day that we
liked, right, whether it was amoment, a meal, playing with
Noah it can be so simple, butwhat that effectively does is
number one.
It ends the day talking aboutall the good.
(23:19):
Okay, and then what I'venoticed over the course I mean,
we've been doing this for yearsnow and what it has trained you
to do over the course ofprobably not even more than a
two-week period is you startlooking for those moments in the
day.
So you're reframing your brainto look for positive moments
throughout the day, because youknow you're going to be talking
about them later and that's justgood for anybody to have that
(23:43):
lens on of what is good aboutthe day.
Number two is we've gone throughso many decks of these style of
cards where it's just, they'rejust prompts, they're
relationship questions to getyou thinking about your
relationship in ways that youwouldn't otherwise do casually,
throughout the day.
So you know these questions canbe all over the map and maybe
we'll post like the current boxthat we're using because it's
(24:05):
really good, but they just theyforce you into looking at your
relationship and differentaspects of your relationship in
a way that you wouldn'totherwise do, and they can go to
really deep or important places.
Some of the questions are notthat comfortable.
It'll go into financial stuffand be like, oh, this is not
what I want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
We like to skip those sometimes.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
This is not what I want to talk about before bed.
But the point is it forces youto take a look at the different
corners of your relationshipthat might go untended if you're
left to your own devices,because, again, it's easier not
to.
But that costs nothing.
It costs maybe maximum 10minutes of your day.
So those are important andthose are built in.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
And we have also other moments of connection,
like throughout the day.
Like you know, tony textsmaking me coffee in the morning
or we have make sure to have akiss in the morning and, you
know, a nice little hug, and wetext during the day like we stay
, we stay connected in some sortof way.
We Tony slides in my DMs and helike flirts with me and I love
that shit.
(25:06):
And like we're together foryears is because we are, you
know, we we haven't like gottenlazy in terms of like courting
each other and making each otherfeel good, and it's important,
you know but don't don't get ittoo twisted.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
We have seasons where we fall off a bit right, like
we obviously.
We go through seasons wherewhere things aren't as tight for
us in terms of our day to daythat we'd like them to be, but
we have such a strong foundation, of kind of the fundamentals,
that we can flip the switchpretty easily, like there are
absolutely times where it getslost.
(25:38):
Like you know, after Noah'sborn things changed a lot.
They were surviving, or youknow, this past year has had
moments on and off of not beingas good.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Yeah, we're not perfect.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
So I want to say that we do fall off of our routine
sometimes, but the difference isis we can get back on them
quite quickly once we bringattention to it.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
And another point that I want to bring up is what
I love about our relationship isthat we show appreciation to
each other.
You know what I mean Like we'regrateful for each other and we
voice it, and I feel like a lotof times people forget, even for
like the littlest things, likethank you for making a wonderful
meal, like you know, eventhough, like you're used to it,
(26:22):
like if your wife or husband arecooking every night or doing
something that's like you don'teven think about it.
It's like an autopilot stuff,like show appreciation, show
gratitude, like I thinkeverybody in a relationship
wants to know that they'reappreciated, even if it's
something they do every singleday and it's just part of the
routine, like thank you fordoing that and thank you for you
(26:43):
know letting me sleep in, likeall these things.
These are things that areimportant to like show
appreciation and just don't takeeach other for granted.
You know, like, yeah, like yougot married, you made a
commitment like be nice to eachother.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
You know, yeah be nice to each other anything you
want to, anything you want toadd to my, my list yeah, I mean
this is, this is pretty uh Idon't know what the word is
generic, I suppose but somethingthat we remind ourselves of
when things get tough is thatbottom line is we're on the same
(27:22):
team, like.
We're never at odds with eachother.
We are always even points ofcontention, uh, debate, whatever
, we are on the same team andour goal is to have the best,
happiest, healthiest family andrelationship that we can have.
So whatever's in the way is notsomething that pits us against
each other.
(27:42):
It pits us against whateverthat is, and we work together
towards conquering whatevermoment that is.
So remembering you're on thesame team is paramount and it's
easy to lose sight of.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Four years huh.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Four years, four whole years.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
How do you feel about it?
I feel awesome about it.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Yeah, I feel wonderful about it.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
What's your favorite part?
Speaker 2 (28:06):
What's my favorite part?
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Yeah, the last four years.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
Oh man, it's a really special thing to know you have
a teammate in all things, likeno matter what you're going
through literally it doesn'tmatter what you're going through
you have a teammate and apartner.
Like that's a really goodfeeling going throughout the day
, like that's amazing.
Um, and you have a built-inlike a built-in best friend.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
I always tell Tony like I don't need girlfriends
because like he'll do everythingwith me.
It might be a littlecodependent, but I don't care,
whatever He'll watch realityshows with me.
Yeah, eat some snacks A snack.
He'll even like go to the spawith me.
Oh yeah, like we love spa days.
Yeah, we need.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Like we love spa days , we need one soon.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
We really do.
We're due for one.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Huh, do you have any questions?
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Yeah, I got two questions.
One of them was how do wehandle conflict?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Oh, okay, I think we've.
I think we covered that.
Yeah, we more or less covered.
That is.
I mean, the basics are you'reon the same team.
That's it like there is almost.
We had this conversation in bednot that long ago where you
were asking me more or less,like are you ever, have you ever
(29:34):
gotten like mad at me, likereally mad?
And I, I, I haven't, cause Inever do anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Perfect.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
No, but here, here's here's my mindset when it comes
to things that on paper and Idon't have anything specific, so
don't ask but on paper,something that I would have a
right to be mad about.
If I asked 100 people, 90 wouldbe like yeah, that's fine,
you're allowed to be likewhatever.
If there's something that lookslike it's off, my first
(30:09):
instinct isn't to be like youknow, why the fuck did she do
that?
Why didn't she do this?
It's oh shit.
Something's going on where shedidn't have the capacity to work
this out in a way that she howare you talking about a scenario
that never happened?
Speaker 1 (30:24):
I'm just saying Okay.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Well then, we can speak hypothetically.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Okay, continue.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
But basically how I've tuned myself to look at
these situations is that ifthere's something off, if
there's something that, even ifI find myself getting like what
the fuck is going on here, moreor less I get to the place
pretty quickly that she is goingthrough something that has
simply not allowed her toperform at a level that she
(30:52):
normally would, and then that ismore important for me to find
out than being upset by XYZ.
So I don't get mad at you.
I literally don't get mad atyou.
There are things that happenthat wouldn't normally happen,
but it's not a case of me beinglike, oh, she fucked up.
It's like, oh, something'sgoing on I haven't.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I've been mad at you maybe like a handful of times, a
handful of times, like you know.
Men men stuff, stupid, men shityeah, I'm not immune.
I'm not immune to stupid menshit sometimes not, not anything
like disrespectful, like like,these are my boundaries, and
Tony knows this.
Following, liking, commentingon other women's posts,
(31:40):
obviously, sexy posts, obviouslyyou follow women and that's
fine, but anything that'sinappropriate, like like,
anything that's likeinappropriate, like that, it's a
no.
He, but he knew this like fromthe beginning.
Um, when we were dating, like I, I set those boundaries.
I was like this is a no alsolike that.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
That wasn't like.
It wasn't like much that I hadto adjust there yeah because
that wasn't really my thingonline.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
I wasn't like like I made you unfollow, like a chick
you used to you hooked up withor something once, yeah, which
is, I think, fair, right, I wasfine some people don't care, but
I do.
I personally care about thatstuff.
Um, yeah, he hasn'tdisrespected me and like like
that, but I don't even rememberwhy I was mad at you.
Really now, who knows.
(32:27):
But we're not perfect.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
No, what was the other question?
Speaker 1 (32:32):
The other question was how did you know when it was
the right time to move intogether?
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Oh it Well for us.
More or less, it sort ofevolved.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
We didn't even talk about it.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
We didn't really talk about it.
We didn't really talk about it.
I just started spending numberone you had the nicer apartment,
you had mia over here, you hadroots over here in some very
significant ways.
That that I didn't challenge.
Like I was, I was ready to getout of bushwick anyway at that
point, and we were.
We were smack dab, smack dab inthe middle of covet.
(33:08):
It was third world, it wasdisgusting and I kind of had I
don't know in so many ways Ifelt like I'd outgrown where I
was so somebody.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
So they asked how long after dating did we move in
?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
uh, it was sort of about four or five months before
I was and I would say six outof seven days I was at your
place and it was a little bitbeyond that.
It was more like seven monthsbefore we actually moved in
together.
But that was a timing situation, right, like I moved in
officially when we movedapartments, yeah, and we both
(33:43):
officially started livingtogether, but I was more or less
living with you after aboutfive months or so.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
When you know.
You know, we never reallytalked about it, it was just
like.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
It was natural, like I was never going to, she was
never going to move over toBrooklyn.
It was just easy.
I mean, literally we moved inthe same building, just moved
floors, essentially.
So it was just like, yeah, thatwasn't much of a conversation
at all.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
And just kind of like if you're both ready and you
know we were at an age like.
I met Tony when I was 38.
He was 37.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
Wait no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Wait, how old were we ?
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I was 35 when we met.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
And I was 36.
You were just turned 36?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Just turned 36.
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Yeah, you had just turned 36 a couple months before
I was so young no, not really.
Yeah, and you're in your late30s.
I already had a kid.
It's like I was mid-30s.
I felt safe.
There was no red flags and Idon't know.
It was just like let's do this,you know let's's there was
(34:49):
almost one red flag what was it?
The thumb pick oh, my god, yougot to talk about that.
Oh, this almost, this almostended our relationship.
I, tony and I had just startedtalking.
We were texting back and forthyeah and keep in mind this was
like after covid, and and alsokeep in mind that I've been just
(35:11):
so jaded by the dating processI've gotten way too many dick
pics that I could even talkabout how many.
It's just so many.
Men are just disgusting, likedisgusting beings.
And anyway, I was at a clientsite and I met.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
yeah, hold on, we didn.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
We didn't meet yet we had not met, yet it was the
week like a couple days beforewe met Our first date.
Yeah, and I was at a clientsite for a content shoot like
middle of fucking nowhere, and Iget a text message from him and
I just saw the thumbnail.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Yeah, a very small thumbnail come through.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
And I thought he sent me a dick pic and I remember
being at the client, obviously Icould.
I was like not gonna open itbecause I'm like around people
and I like my heart droppedbecause I was like, oh fuck, not
him.
I was like, oh man, another onebites the dust.
Like I just spent a week likechatting with him, wasting my
time, and it's happened before,like it's literally happened
many times before.
(36:08):
We're connecting with a guy,like great, we're going to go on
a date, sends me a fucking dickpic, like fuck, you blocked
Right.
So I was like, oh my God, Ireally liked this guy, I really
wanted to meet him and like I'mliterally at my client and I
wasn't focused because I waslike so disappointed that he
sent me.
I thought he sent me a dick pic, anyway, literally spiraling
(36:32):
for like two hours, and Iremember Peter asking me like
are you okay?
I'm like, oh my God, I thinkthe guy like just sent me a dick
pic, like you know, and he'slike what?
Like anyway?
So I go to the car and then Iopen the.
I like let me open it.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
I open it and it's a thumb.
What would it?
What can you show it?
What is it?
I will, I will show it.
Um, I'd have to go back waydeep, but yeah, it's like it is
a thumb, but it is supposed toto be like a fake out.
Like it is, it is a picturethat is set up to be a fake out,
but it's literally just a thumb.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
You need to find the whole conversation.
I'm going to, because it's likeI was like oh my God, I thought
you sent me a dick pic andthere was like a lot of laughing
, but it was really the I swear.
I lost like a year out of mylife Like I think gray hairs
just like sprouted off my headbecause I thought he had sent me
a dick pic and it was just likea funny almost.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
It almost ended our entire relationship.
Noah wouldn't even be here, thesuka wouldn't exist, all
because of a thumb listen, I wastraumatized from, from dating.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You have no idea like you didn't get to like,
experience it.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
It's terrible wouldn't have played it that
fast and loose, that I know howclose it was to ending our
relationship before it began.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Yeah, that was reckless of you.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
I didn't know it was reckless.
I thought it was funny.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
It was, I mean it is Now.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
we're talking about it four years later.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
It's crazy.
You need to pull the picture up.
Don't worry, I will.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
I'll pull up the whole conversation Dying now it
is.
At the time I'm sure it was notvery funny.
I wonder what I was thinkingfor the rest, because two hours
is a long time for you not torespond, especially to a picture
, so I wonder what.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
I was on vacation.
I was on vacation, so I wasprobably doing stuff.
I think you were wondering why,but I had to have been like
sweating a little bit as to likewhy is this context?
Speaker 2 (38:24):
you know, but in my head it wasn't risky and I would
have no reason for you toassume that you didn't
understand or wouldn't haveactually opened it yet.
Man, that might have been, thatmight have been a tough period
for me also.
Come to think about it it'shilarious.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
And now, four years later, we're, you know, in our
home in jersey city, in our suka, with our, you know, noah's
napping Mia.
God knows what she's doing inthe house right now.
Two dogs Two dogs.
And we're very in love, LikeI'm very in love with you, babe.
Good You're checking on thebaby.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Yeah, I'm just checking on the baby.
Speaker 1 (38:59):
She's still sleeping.
Speaker 2 (39:00):
She's flat as a board right now.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Babe, I'm in love with you too.
Give me a kiss, okay, anythingelse you?
Speaker 2 (39:11):
want to add.
No, I don't think so.
Like listen, great relationshipstake work, but it doesn't
really feel like work when youaddress things as they come
Right, like it so many times youjust don't work out the
(39:36):
communication style or thesafety ultimately to have the
communication that's required,so that it doesn't feel like a
mountain of work because you'redealing with it all the time,
like the conversations that wehave.
We spend 30 minutes a weekorganizing what needs done
around the house and we startedgetting better at that
organizing what needs to getdone between the two girls or
(39:58):
just between us, whatever it is.
There are ways to make it feellike so much less work than it
sounds like, but it is work andyou have to be willing to have
the conversations and to setyourself up for it or it all
gets pushed to the side and thenthat's when resentment comes
and that's when the blowupscomes and that's when the blame
comes and that's when it stopsbeing fun and it starts being
(40:21):
hard and it starts being a choreand that is going to be the
death rattle of any relationship.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
So you really just have to be willing to be a
partner.
It is a partnership.
You are co-CEOs in your life.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
And you have to be vigilant Like I know that sounds
stressful, but you have to bevigilant of your relationship
and not let things just breakdown.
You know what I mean Like andI'm not saying vigilance in a
bad way, like walking oneggshells or being stressed
about it, but like, just like,okay, when's the last you know,
like we need to have.
You know how many times do wehave sex this week when?
When can we have alone time anddate night, and these are
(40:58):
things that we have.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
I texted her today.
Have.
I facetimed her today.
Yeah, you know that that sortof thing you have, you have kind
of like a ticking clock on alot of these things, like a
timer going.
Oh, it's been too long, likeit's been too long since we did
X, y, z and we need to adjust,and I mean, that type of work is
what I'm talking about, right,like that is not, that's almost
(41:20):
automated to a point.
If you get to a place whereit's automated, then you avoid
the real work when things are inbreakdown, and then you have to
go to couples therapy and thenyou have to, you have to dig
yourselves out of this hole thatyou put yourself in because you
didn't have the vigilancerequired to stay afloat.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
And another key thing that I forgot to talk about is
also working on yourself.
You know you can work on, youcan work through a lot of things
in the container of yourrelationship, but if you haven't
done the work on yourself andif you're unhappy like your
partner can just add to yourhappiness.
But really, when and these arethis is a lesson that I've
(41:56):
learned later in life Like, likeI said, I was married before
and in that container of therelationship, I didn't take care
of myself, I didn't take careof my needs, I didn't take care
of myself, I didn't love myself.
And when, because I didn't lovemyself, I wasn't take care of
myself, I didn't love myself.
And when, because I didn't lovemyself, I wasn't able to ask
for what I needed.
You know I wasn't.
And again, that relationship wewere just weren't a match in
(42:16):
general, it just would havenever worked.
But now that I'm older Iunderstand that I have to work
on myself, that I have to learnand this is for my kids too Like
I had to learn how to regulatemy emotions, and I'm still
working on that and in order forme to show up as the best
partner of myself, I need to beable to kind of work on my own
shit.
You know what I'm saying, andI'd spend years really after my
(42:39):
divorce like really going totherapy but not only going to
therapy meditating andjournaling, kind of figuring out
like what, what, what are mytriggers, what are the things
that upset me and what are myinsecurities.
And I got to a place where Iwas able to articulate those
things in my relationship withTony, so he knows when certain
(43:00):
things come up it's notnecessarily about him or it's
not personal, but it's somethingthat's.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
Oh, it's almost never about me, oh, excuse me no, but
no, I'm being serious, likeit's almost never about me.
Yeah, I can sometimes help, andsometimes helping just means
letting you air it out.
But, but, a lot of, but, a lotof the stuff I was able to heal
in our relation because we havea healthy relationship.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Like I was able to heal a lot of that stuff and was
able to heal in ourrelationship because we have a
healthy relationship.
Like I was able to heal a lotof that stuff and we talked
about it.
On the episode where we talkedabout Nobody Wants this the show
right when it was refreshing tosee two adults like work
through their traumas andtriggers and have healthy
(43:47):
communication.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
And it's very healing , you know, to be in that kind
of relationship where people canhold space for each other and
understand that.
You know there's reasons whythey react the way they react.
Totally, you know, not take itlike personal.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
Now we just watch Love is Blind, where it's the
opposite day.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Yeah, I love.
Love is Blind.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
I love and hate it, at the same train wreck my god,
we said that we would talk aboutit.
We don't have time anymorewe're not gonna talk about it
right now, but okay, we'll talkabout after we wrap it up, we'll
, we'll do uh it's, we're on thethe wedding.
Yeah, it's the reunion.
Like we got a couple weeks wecan lock in on a this blind.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
We have some thought.
I know a lot of people sharedthoughts on that.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
Actually, okay, yeah, this season's an absolute mess,
it's just even the editing ishorrendous horrendous and we
have no idea what's going on.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
It's unbelievable.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
The producers don't add they think they're so clever
it's like if my 12 year oldproduced it.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
You know, there's so many holes, lacks so much
context there's some, there'ssome plot holes.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Anyway, we're not going to get into that.
But wrap up this.
What?
Speaker 1 (44:53):
are we doing for our four-year anniversary?
Speaker 2 (44:56):
we're going to celebrate the love and enjoyment
of four years together and itwill be special and I'm sure
there'll be a reel about it andI'm sure it'll be posted online
okay, all right, on that note.
Happy anniversary baby happyanniversary, my love, peace.
Thank you.
Hey, welcome to the Lynn and Tony Know podcast.
I'm your host, Lynn.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
And I'm Tony.
We are both wellness coachesand married with kids.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Join us as we talk about all things health,
wellness, relationships, lifehacks, parenting and everything
in between, unfiltered.
Thanks for listening and let'sget into it.
Welcome to the show Welcomeback.
We're in a special location.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We're doing a SukaPod .
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Okay, well, to those who don't know what a sukkah is,
can you explain what a sukkahis?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Yes, a sukkah is a temporary structure built
outside for the holiday ofSukkot, and you are meant to eat
all your meals in it.
Some people go as far,apparently, as to sleep in it.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Not many.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
How many?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I don't know.
I think maybe the ultrareligious, but even then I don't
think they are but it stays upfor eight days.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Eight days you eat all your meals in it and, uh, I
figured we should record a podin it.
It's so cute in here, I love it.
It's a vibe, so, and it's avibe.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
And Tony built this for me, for us, I know, but
she's been wanting one since westarted dating.
Since we started dating, I wasalways like oh, it's Sukkot,
it's such a cute holiday andthis is before, obviously,
pre-October 7th, where we'vebecome a little bit more
traditional in a sense.
I've always talked about Sukkot.
I always thought it was like areally cute holiday.
(01:24):
My parents never had a sukkahso I was always jealous at, like
, the other kids in my schoolwho had a sukkah, because, like
we would like, it was just cute,you know, it's fun.
My uncle used to host us and hehad a sukkah and I always, like
, loved it suki, sukkah yeah,shuki sukkah.
yeah, my uncle's name is shuki,so, um, yeah, so we used to hang
out there and eat meals, andthen this year we have we had
(01:47):
the opportunity of building one,and Tony did it.
So to all the women listening,whether you're single in a
relationship.
If he wanted to, he would.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Tony knew that I really wanted this and he
figured it out and fucking builtit and it was the sexiest thing
ever and he gets blowjobsforever built it and it was the
sexiest thing ever, and he getsblowjobs forever.
Um, also, huge shout out tosuper jew christopher columbus,
because without columbus day Iwouldn't have had the time to do
so yeah, it's true, and itlooks great and it came out
great and I'm like reallygrateful for it yeah, it's fun
(02:19):
and it's gonna be sad for it tocome down.
That will be sad because thenI'll have to find another day to
take it down, which is hard,but yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
So before we get into the four, so this is a special
episode it's our four-yearanniversary when this comes out,
so tomorrow.
And we want to kind of talkabout our relationship and what
makes it work.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
But before that, last week, it was a very joyous day
because yeah, four days agoSenwar was killed in Rafah, and
it was not an assassination.
It was simply a routinemilitary exercise where
terrorists were identified in abuilding and taken out, and one
(03:06):
of them happened to beYahasenwar.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
I can't believe this day has come.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
No, it's a remarkable day and in the smaller context
of the war, it's going to godown as one of the more
remarkable days in Israel'shistory.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
And it was a 19-year-old who did it, a
19-year-old who was only 19 yearold.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Who did it?
19 year old who?
Speaker 1 (03:25):
was only, who was only in nine months in his
service.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
And he's old.
Apparently he was ultraOrthodox as well.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Well, Hashem guided his hand into history with that,
so and see where it goes now.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
The community, the Jewish community and obviously
in Israel.
Everyone was just ecstaticabout this because this person
has caused so much pain andsuffering to Israelis and
Palestinians.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
And, all that being said, that day was very happy
for me because it was like it'sjust like justice is served type
thing.
But I think the day after waslike the reality of like we
still have a hundred hostages,the war isn't over, it's still
going on, and like real victorywill be when our hostages come
(04:15):
home and are with their familiesand can begin the healing
process.
Like we're still going throughthis and it's just like so many
mixed feelings.
You know like we could be happythat he's gone but also
continue.
And you know also Jew hatred,aside from the war, is just the
anti-Semitism that is happeningaround us.
And now you know it's electionseason and things are so
(04:39):
prolific and crazy and it's justlike it's intense, like social
media has created this justplace of just toxicity and I
just like can't handle itsometimes yeah, listen, go back
to our last episode and andcheck out what we had to say
with an expert on all of that,but yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
it's a tough place to exist without the right mindset
, um, and probably mostimportantly, without the ability
to regulate and put it downonce in a while, 100%.
So, with all that being said,stay on long enough to listen to
this episode and to follow uson Instagram so that you can get
, hopefully, some upliftingstuff in your feed every once in
(05:22):
a while.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
So I want to talk about Okay.
So we're in our four-yearanniversary tomorrow and I
remember this Q&A that we did inDecember of 2020, which is four
years ago, and it was twomonths after we started dating,
and we did a long Q&A.
I hard-launched Tony onober31st like it was a hard launch
(05:46):
on instagram mostly because youhad to show off your halloween
costume yeah, so like you werefor your.
Your hand was sort of forcedright and here's the thing we
talked like in our first andsecond episode of our first
season.
We talk about how we met.
So we're not going to talkabout that today, um, but here's
a funny video.
Like one of us asked us, holdon, hold on One of us.
(06:09):
Somebody asked us how good isthe NRE, the new relationship
energy, hold on.
Um, clearly awesome.
We're very happy, but I feellike we're going to sustain this
energy for a while now.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Yeah, I think it's.
I think it's very possible tokeep new relationship energy the
whole time and not have it belike a new thing.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yes, agreed how do you keep the new relationship
energy going by like not?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
by not not labeling it as new relationship energy.
That implies that, like when itdisappears, it's okay so god I
was smart four years ago, isn't?
Speaker 1 (06:49):
it crazy that four years has passed since then.
Like obviously we're not in anew relationship, like no, so
how do you feel about our energy?
Speaker 2 (06:58):
I love it.
I I feel exactly like evenwatching that video.
Like that feels normal, Likethat that entered the way we
were talking about it, yourreaction, all of it feels like
us today.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Like nothing about that feels foreign or like, oh
man, I wish we could go backthere, granted the, you know,
the parameters on which we canoperate in terms of us hanging
out and us going out and usdoing stuff are different now
because we obviously we have, wehave, um, an amazing almost
two-year-old and so that, andreal life problems like like I,
(07:33):
at the time that we starteddating, you were living in
brooklyn, I was living in jerseycity, like you had met mia, but
we weren't like living together, we were still.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
We were just like dating and you know, we weren't
talking about like moving in yetI don't think, and we weren't
talking about marriage.
We haven't merged our our lives,and it all we had to focus on
was each other that's true youknow, like I had I have 50 50
custody with my ex-husband andso like on the days that I
didn't have mia, we would spendtime.
So like it was like veryseparate from like real life
(08:03):
decisions and and you know we'readults.
It's not like normal peoplenecessarily dating who don't
have kids, who don't have amortgage.
It's like easier, that's allyou can focus on.
But, like in my case, I had anex-husband, I have an ex-husband
and I have a kid and I have afull-grown bit like business and
and like we didn't merge ourlives together.
So it's cool watching us backthen and we still have that like
(08:26):
fun, energy and like in likebeing in love on top of all the
problems that surround us.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Like yeah, it's a good point actually you know
what I'm saying, like we still.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
We still are excited to like hang out, we're still
excited to like try new thingsand we're not like jaded by like
real life stuff.
And I want to talk about what.
How did we, how were we able tosustain this energy?
Um, and you know, it's fouryears and again, I know that
people have been together forlonger and it gets sometimes
(09:02):
more complicated depending onwhen you meet each other.
But I can only talk about us,right, and I've been married
before, so I have something tolike compare it to, in a way,
and there are three things thatI think are essential in a
marriage.
Do you want to hear the threethings?
Speaker 2 (09:18):
I would love to.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Number one is true partnership, like real
partnership, meaning we bothcarry the load of the day to day
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
You know, tony knows if there's dishes like, I don't
have to tell him, like, go washthe dishes.
He knows if he walks into thekitchen and there's a mountain
of dishes, he just does themRight.
And vice versa.
Same with me.
If, like, the living room is amess, we clean the living room.
Either he does or I do.
We are a true partnership.
(09:52):
And then within that containerof our partnership is also we
each have our roles, like.
My role is to like make surethat the groceries are done
every week and there's mealplanning and activities and
paying bills.
Tony does all the drop-offs andand uh, uh, for you know he
takes care of all the soccerstuff.
He, you know, he like.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
I, I'm pretty much uh the general in the mornings and
for bedtime, at least for Noah.
Um, those are my uh to takeover and I'm with noah from
three to six yeah, we have adivision of labor that is is
pretty clearly defined.
Although we didn't, we didn'tnecessarily define them outright
(10:36):
from the beginning, we theywere relatively natural roles
that we settled into, um, andthen along the way there's
definitely been conversationswhere things have been off or
adjustments need to be made thatwe talk about and make those
adjustments along the way.
So we adjust our roles prettyfluidly as needed, yeah, and
(10:58):
it's about.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
So I think that.
So, back to the point, is thatit's a true partnership and some
weeks he picks up the slack ifI'm not feeling well and some
weeks I pick up the slack if hehas a lot going on.
And again, there's a lot ofcommunication involved and, of
course, things fall through thecracks and we're not perfect.
And as a woman and as a mom,sometimes I feel like the mental
load can be overwhelming andit's something that we
(11:21):
definitely definitely had todiscuss, you know, had to
discuss right and work through.
But in general I don't havelike I don't feel resentment
towards him for not putting inthe time, you know, and I feel
like a lot of men in marriagesthey kind of just like go to
work and they don't really haveto deal with the mental load.
(11:44):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
They don't care, I'll push back on that a little bit.
The mental load for men is notas commonly discussed, and the
mental load for us that isn'tdiscussed is to, in a lot of
cases, provide and thenultimately protect, like to
protect your family.
(12:05):
To be vigilant to threats toyour family, whether they're
real or not, is a mental loadthat there are very few outside
of that that could understandwhat that feels like and over
the past year specifically, hasbeen amplified to a degree that
I would never have guessed Likethere is.
(12:26):
There is a weight of makingsure that your family is safe
within the home when you go out.
Whatever you're doing that isis heavy.
I mean that that that's a heavyload.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I mean, I'm not saying all men I think you
specifically carry a mental load, like I know you do.
But I think from conversationsthat I have with women and their
issues in marriages is thatthey feel like they're carrying
most of the mental load.
They're the default parent.
They're, you know the kidsalways go to them, you know, for
stuff like they need.
Mommy, mommy, daddy is justlike goes to play golf on
(13:01):
Sundays and does his own thing,and and there's there, like goes
to play golf on Sundays anddoes his own thing, and and
there's there's a lot of issueslike that in marriages and and
that kind of breaks things downand you know the woman starts
feeling like resentful.
Like you know there was a lotof on our plate right now.
Like as women, like we'reexpected to have kids to, we're
expected to be home with ourkids, but then we're expected to
(13:22):
also make money and contributeand pay half the bills.
We're expected to look good andwork out while also having time
for our husbands and our kids.
There's just so muchexpectation for being a woman.
It's like it's almost likeimpossible and having a partner
a partner in crime in that sensethat takes the load off or it
(13:46):
makes life easier.
Like you're in this together.
It shouldn't be.
You know, some husbands arelike, oh, I'll help you.
Like no, you're not helping me.
This is your house too, it'syour kids, you know.
Like this is your.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
Yeah, that's a mindset thing.
Right Like men, don't babysit.
Right, it's your child.
You know what?
Right Like men, don't babysit,right, it's your child.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
You know what I mean.
Like it's your kid, and thereare situations where some men
become like the you know, like,let's say, you have two kids,
they become like the third child, like you need to make them
lunch and you need to like dothe laundry and you need to like
almost baby them and give thema list.
Oh, these are the things thatneed to get done.
Like that adds to the mentalload, you know, and I think that
(14:25):
me and you have worked throughsome of that stuff and like like
I do feel like you, you push,you pull your weight, and when I
feel like you don't, like wehave a discussion, we have a
discussion around it.
So that's number one.
I think is key is is truepartnership and and and
obviously communication comes,comes with that.
The second thing is sex.
Okay, a lot of have sex, likecontinue having sex, and it's
(14:51):
really easy, especially for youknow, when you have kids, to
find excuses not to.
We have our nights where wedon't want to have sex, but we
know we have to do it, and youknow what I mean Like we have to
do it, no, no no, okay, thereare nights where we could easily
just not do it and it doesn'ttake too much to flip the switch
(15:14):
and go.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Oh wait, we both really like this part.
Yeah, let's just do it.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
We never, you never it's like.
It's like you never regret aworkout.
You never regret having sexLike with your, with your
partner, yeah, Obviously notwith somebody else.
No, I mean With your partner.
Yeah, obviously not withsomebody else.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
No, I mean in your marriage, In your marriage right
?
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Yes, Because if you take the intimacy part out of
the equation, you're justroommates and it's so easy, like
once you stop having sex.
It makes it like the longer yougo without having sex, the
harder it is to get back on thehorse no pun.
You know what I mean.
And I think the biggest thingin longevity in a marriage is
(15:53):
physical intimacy.
And I work with you know momswho are postpartum and it's
challenging because your body'schanged.
You don't feel great, right,like you've gained weight,
you're still trying to figureyourself out, you're touched out
, you're, you know you'rebreastfeeding, like your body is
not yours anymore.
It's so understandable that thelast thing you're thinking
about is sex.
Yeah, right, so what I usuallyadvise, like my clients in those
(16:16):
in that, in those cases, like,okay, you don't want to have sex
, that's totally fine, you haveto.
You know, obviously, listen toyourself and but how about, like
some sort of intimacy?
Right, talk to your partner andsay, listen, I'm not ready for
sex yet, but let's slowly getthere, right, let's remove the
sex out of the equation.
Let's just build some sort ofphysical intimacy.
(16:36):
So, having a massage night?
Right, like, give each otherback massages.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Oh, I dare you to give each other massage and that
not lead to sex.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Not always does, but back massages are great, or just
like cuddle or make out, likejust kiss, with no you know
expectations for it to lead toanything else.
And once you kind of getcomfortable with that physical
intimacy and doing it daily,like it doesn't take long.
You know, I love the GottmanInstitute.
They are a couple and they'vebeen advising marriages for
(17:08):
years.
They have multiple books.
I love them on social media andthey have something called the
six-second kiss.
Make out for six seconds, likecreate that intimacy and slowly
build to a place where you canfeel good to have sex again.
Now I was nervous after havingNoah.
Like you know it was postpartum.
You know six weeks you're notsupposed to have sex.
I was nervous, like I don'tfeel sexy, I feel like shit.
(17:31):
But seeing Tony in his element,be a good dad and just like
just be so helpful and just sothere for me emotionally and
physically and just like Iwanted to be, you know, physical
with him.
So it goes both ways, right.
So if you're a husband andyou're listening to this, like
when's the last time you've toldyour wife that you think she's
(17:54):
beautiful or that you showedsome sort of gratitude or
appreciation, it goes both ways.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
Sure, and this part also builds on one of the
fundamental parts of number onethat you gave, where, when you
find yourself in a relationshipwhere the arc between you two is
not right and the man becomesthe extra child moms don't want
(18:24):
to fuck their kids usually.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
Ew yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
So yeah, if you are in a dynamic where you're being
mothered by your wife, the sexwill die a hundred percent and
will not come back until thatrole is redefined.
So very important to buildnumber one in where you are
carrying your weight you don'tbecome a burden on her, because
then there's not going to be anattraction.
(18:48):
There's no chance for intimacyonce you've found yourself in
that position.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Absolutely, and yeah, sex is really important.
I think if, like, you'restruggling in that area, go see
a therapist.
Like work on it.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
I'll redefine it slightly Intimacy.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Intimacy yes.
Speaker 2 (19:04):
Yeah, because you can go through the motions of sex
and not be beneficial to yourmarriage Like you have to have
the intimacy part of that inorder for it to matter.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Yeah, and you know, sometimes we schedule it,
sometimes we you know we'll dolike a massage night and it
always leads to sex Because youknow you're relaxed and we try
to do it a couple times a week,like two.
Three times is like a good week.
Yeah, it's healthy.
(19:34):
So that's number two isintimacy, right.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I feel like a listener right now because we
did not discuss this at all andyou have this whole hypothesis
here, I just like in my brain.
I know, it's just in my brain,okay.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
So number three.
What was number three Shit?
We should have talked about itbefore.
I had a number three.
Oh no, okay she got itfriendship, friendship okay you
have to like really like eachother, yeah like.
You have to like like hangingout together like this seems
really simple why it's really,really simple.
(20:05):
I just feel like some peoplelike are married to people they
don't like necessarily what doyou mean?
Like they love each other butlike they have nothing in common
or they don't enjoy doing thesame thing and it's okay to be
different people.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
But you need to like each other and you need to have
fun together.
You know, like I think it's notabout who you want to grow old
with is who you want to be a kidwith.
I heard that quote somewhere.
You know, like that's what.
That's what it is Like we.
When I'm with Tony, I feel likemy inner child is just beaming.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Yeah, we're sitting in a tent right now.
I know we have fun and we're.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
you know, I'm in my forties and I feel like like a
kid sometimes and people alwaystell me that I look young is
because, like Tony and I have agood time.
Like aside from like life'sshitty moments, we have a good
time.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
We have a great time.
I'm almost in my forties andstill feel like a kid.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
Okay, rub that shit in you asshole, um, but yeah,
that's the point is like, haveis having fun together and again
, we understand having kids andschedule constraints and things
like that, but your kids?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Doing nothing is so easy.
I get it, like doing that,staying in and doing nothing is
easy.
But when you go online and whenyou see the reels of us going
out to the dance party, like inthe afternoon on a Saturday, or
going to the cupcake store orgoing to wherever, like, yes, it
would be so much easier not todo any of those things, and we
get it.
There are always going to bereasons not to do it, but those
(21:36):
are the things that keep usconnected, that keep us in the
spirit of play and keep uschildlike.
Yeah, like it would be so easynot to do any of that stuff.
Yeah, we could easily sit onthe couch and we're not rich
people.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
We don't have like full-time help like we, we make
it work and with some, you know,a lot of times we have to say
no to things and we make it.
Where I have a, a wonderfulhouse sitter, like she's amazing
, she's been with us for yearsand she helps.
And album might be might benumber four.
Yeah, having an alibi is numberfour for a marriage.
Um, we're not the richestpeople, but we make it work.
(22:10):
And if you are really unable togo out, there could be many
reasons.
You set up a date night at home, like once the kids are in bed,
like cook a sexy meal together,open a bottle of wine or
whatever you know, watch a movieor just talk, play a board game
.
Likeal hanging out time withyour partner is so necessary.
(22:31):
Do it for your kids.
The happiest kids are the kidswho have parents that hang out
and like each other.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
That makes sense.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
You need to have connection time at least once a
week, tony and I.
If we go days without ourhanging out we also build it in.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Like we have little built-in moments throughout the
day that we've essentiallytrained ourselves on.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Okay, so you want to give that detail.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Yeah.
So I mean, it's mostly at night, and the two things at night
are number one, the gratitudejournal, where we just we talk
about all the things that stoodout to us about the day that we
liked, right, whether it was amoment, a meal, playing with
Noah it can be so simple, butwhat that effectively does is
number one.
It ends the day talking aboutall the good.
(23:19):
Okay, and then what I'venoticed over the course I mean,
we've been doing this for yearsnow and what it has trained you
to do over the course ofprobably not even more than a
two-week period is you startlooking for those moments in the
day.
So you're reframing your brainto look for positive moments
throughout the day, because youknow you're going to be talking
about them later and that's justgood for anybody to have that
(23:43):
lens on of what is good aboutthe day.
Number two is we've gone throughso many decks of these style of
cards where it's just, they'rejust prompts, they're
relationship questions to getyou thinking about your
relationship in ways that youwouldn't otherwise do casually,
throughout the day.
So you know these questions canbe all over the map and maybe
we'll post like the current boxthat we're using because it's
(24:05):
really good, but they just theyforce you into looking at your
relationship and differentaspects of your relationship in
a way that you wouldn'totherwise do, and they can go to
really deep or important places.
Some of the questions are notthat comfortable.
It'll go into financial stuffand be like, oh, this is not
what I want to talk about.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
We like to skip those sometimes.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
This is not what I want to talk about before bed.
But the point is it forces youto take a look at the different
corners of your relationshipthat might go untended if you're
left to your own devices,because, again, it's easier not
to.
But that costs nothing.
It costs maybe maximum 10minutes of your day.
So those are important andthose are built in.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
And we have also other moments of connection,
like throughout the day.
Like you know, tony textsmaking me coffee in the morning
or we have make sure to have akiss in the morning and, you
know, a nice little hug, and wetext during the day like we stay
, we stay connected in some sortof way.
We Tony slides in my DMs and helike flirts with me and I love
that shit.
(25:06):
And like we're together foryears is because we are, you
know, we we haven't like gottenlazy in terms of like courting
each other and making each otherfeel good, and it's important,
you know but don't don't get ittoo twisted.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
We have seasons where we fall off a bit right, like
we obviously.
We go through seasons wherewhere things aren't as tight for
us in terms of our day to daythat we'd like them to be, but
we have such a strong foundation, of kind of the fundamentals,
that we can flip the switchpretty easily, like there are
absolutely times where it getslost.
(25:38):
Like you know, after Noah'sborn things changed a lot.
They were surviving, or youknow, this past year has had
moments on and off of not beingas good.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Yeah, we're not perfect.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
So I want to say that we do fall off of our routine
sometimes, but the difference isis we can get back on them
quite quickly once we bringattention to it.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
And another point that I want to bring up is what
I love about our relationship isthat we show appreciation to
each other.
You know what I mean Like we'regrateful for each other and we
voice it, and I feel like a lotof times people forget, even for
like the littlest things, likethank you for making a wonderful
meal, like you know, eventhough, like you're used to it,
(26:22):
like if your wife or husband arecooking every night or doing
something that's like you don'teven think about it.
It's like an autopilot stuff,like show appreciation, show
gratitude, like I thinkeverybody in a relationship
wants to know that they'reappreciated, even if it's
something they do every singleday and it's just part of the
routine, like thank you fordoing that and thank you for you
(26:43):
know letting me sleep in, likeall these things.
These are things that areimportant to like show
appreciation and just don't takeeach other for granted.
You know, like, yeah, like yougot married, you made a
commitment like be nice to eachother.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
You know, yeah be nice to each other anything you
want to, anything you want toadd to my, my list yeah, I mean
this is, this is pretty uh Idon't know what the word is
generic, I suppose but somethingthat we remind ourselves of
when things get tough is thatbottom line is we're on the same
(27:22):
team, like.
We're never at odds with eachother.
We are always even points ofcontention, uh, debate, whatever
, we are on the same team andour goal is to have the best,
happiest, healthiest family andrelationship that we can have.
So whatever's in the way is notsomething that pits us against
each other.
(27:42):
It pits us against whateverthat is, and we work together
towards conquering whatevermoment that is.
So remembering you're on thesame team is paramount and it's
easy to lose sight of.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Four years huh.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Four years, four whole years.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
How do you feel about it?
I feel awesome about it.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Yeah, I feel wonderful about it.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
What's your favorite part?
Speaker 2 (28:06):
What's my favorite part?
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Yeah, the last four years.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
Oh man, it's a really special thing to know you have
a teammate in all things, likeno matter what you're going
through literally it doesn'tmatter what you're going through
you have a teammate and apartner.
Like that's a really goodfeeling going throughout the day
, like that's amazing.
Um, and you have a built-inlike a built-in best friend.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
I always tell Tony like I don't need girlfriends
because like he'll do everythingwith me.
It might be a littlecodependent, but I don't care,
whatever He'll watch realityshows with me.
Yeah, eat some snacks A snack.
He'll even like go to the spawith me.
Oh yeah, like we love spa days.
Yeah, we need.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Like we love spa days , we need one soon.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
We really do.
We're due for one.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Huh, do you have any questions?
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Yeah, I got two questions.
One of them was how do wehandle conflict?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Oh, okay, I think we've.
I think we covered that.
Yeah, we more or less covered.
That is.
I mean, the basics are you'reon the same team.
That's it like there is almost.
We had this conversation in bednot that long ago where you
were asking me more or less,like are you ever, have you ever
(29:34):
gotten like mad at me, likereally mad?
And I, I, I haven't, cause Inever do anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
Perfect.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
No, but here, here's here's my mindset when it comes
to things that on paper and Idon't have anything specific, so
don't ask but on paper,something that I would have a
right to be mad about.
If I asked 100 people, 90 wouldbe like yeah, that's fine,
you're allowed to be likewhatever.
If there's something that lookslike it's off, my first
(30:09):
instinct isn't to be like youknow, why the fuck did she do
that?
Why didn't she do this?
It's oh shit.
Something's going on where shedidn't have the capacity to work
this out in a way that she howare you talking about a scenario
that never happened?
Speaker 1 (30:24):
I'm just saying Okay.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Well then, we can speak hypothetically.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
Okay, continue.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
But basically how I've tuned myself to look at
these situations is that ifthere's something off, if
there's something that, even ifI find myself getting like what
the fuck is going on here, moreor less I get to the place
pretty quickly that she is goingthrough something that has
simply not allowed her toperform at a level that she
(30:52):
normally would, and then that ismore important for me to find
out than being upset by XYZ.
So I don't get mad at you.
I literally don't get mad atyou.
There are things that happenthat wouldn't normally happen,
but it's not a case of me beinglike, oh, she fucked up.
It's like, oh, something'sgoing on I haven't.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I've been mad at you maybe like a handful of times, a
handful of times, like you know.
Men men stuff, stupid, men shityeah, I'm not immune.
I'm not immune to stupid menshit sometimes not, not anything
like disrespectful, like like,these are my boundaries, and
Tony knows this.
Following, liking, commentingon other women's posts,
(31:40):
obviously, sexy posts, obviouslyyou follow women and that's
fine, but anything that'sinappropriate, like like,
anything that's likeinappropriate, like that, it's a
no.
He, but he knew this like fromthe beginning.
Um, when we were dating, like I, I set those boundaries.
I was like this is a no alsolike that.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
That wasn't like.
It wasn't like much that I hadto adjust there yeah because
that wasn't really my thingonline.
Speaker 1 (32:07):
I wasn't like like I made you unfollow, like a chick
you used to you hooked up withor something once, yeah, which
is, I think, fair, right, I wasfine some people don't care, but
I do.
I personally care about thatstuff.
Um, yeah, he hasn'tdisrespected me and like like
that, but I don't even rememberwhy I was mad at you.
Really now, who knows.
(32:27):
But we're not perfect.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
No, what was the other question?
Speaker 1 (32:32):
The other question was how did you know when it was
the right time to move intogether?
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Oh it Well for us.
More or less, it sort ofevolved.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
We didn't even talk about it.
Speaker 2 (32:48):
We didn't really talk about it.
We didn't really talk about it.
I just started spending numberone you had the nicer apartment,
you had mia over here, you hadroots over here in some very
significant ways.
That that I didn't challenge.
Like I was, I was ready to getout of bushwick anyway at that
point, and we were.
We were smack dab, smack dab inthe middle of covet.
(33:08):
It was third world, it wasdisgusting and I kind of had I
don't know in so many ways Ifelt like I'd outgrown where I
was so somebody.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
So they asked how long after dating did we move in
?
Speaker 2 (33:19):
uh, it was sort of about four or five months before
I was and I would say six outof seven days I was at your
place and it was a little bitbeyond that.
It was more like seven monthsbefore we actually moved in
together.
But that was a timing situation, right, like I moved in
officially when we movedapartments, yeah, and we both
(33:43):
officially started livingtogether, but I was more or less
living with you after aboutfive months or so.
Speaker 1 (33:51):
When you know.
You know, we never reallytalked about it, it was just
like.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
It was natural, like I was never going to, she was
never going to move over toBrooklyn.
It was just easy.
I mean, literally we moved inthe same building, just moved
floors, essentially.
So it was just like, yeah, thatwasn't much of a conversation
at all.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
And just kind of like if you're both ready and you
know we were at an age like.
I met Tony when I was 38.
He was 37.
Speaker 2 (34:17):
Wait no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Wait, how old were we ?
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I was 35 when we met.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
And I was 36.
You were just turned 36?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Just turned 36.
That's crazy.
Speaker 1 (34:26):
Yeah, you had just turned 36 a couple months before
I was so young no, not really.
Yeah, and you're in your late30s.
I already had a kid.
It's like I was mid-30s.
I felt safe.
There was no red flags and Idon't know.
It was just like let's do this,you know let's's there was
(34:49):
almost one red flag what was it?
The thumb pick oh, my god, yougot to talk about that.
Oh, this almost, this almostended our relationship.
I, tony and I had just startedtalking.
We were texting back and forthyeah and keep in mind this was
like after covid, and and alsokeep in mind that I've been just
(35:11):
so jaded by the dating processI've gotten way too many dick
pics that I could even talkabout how many.
It's just so many.
Men are just disgusting, likedisgusting beings.
And anyway, I was at a clientsite and I met.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
yeah, hold on, we didn.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
We didn't meet yet we had not met, yet it was the
week like a couple days beforewe met Our first date.
Yeah, and I was at a clientsite for a content shoot like
middle of fucking nowhere, and Iget a text message from him and
I just saw the thumbnail.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Yeah, a very small thumbnail come through.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
And I thought he sent me a dick pic and I remember
being at the client, obviously Icould.
I was like not gonna open itbecause I'm like around people
and I like my heart droppedbecause I was like, oh fuck, not
him.
I was like, oh man, another onebites the dust.
Like I just spent a week likechatting with him, wasting my
time, and it's happened before,like it's literally happened
many times before.
(36:08):
We're connecting with a guy,like great, we're going to go on
a date, sends me a fucking dickpic, like fuck, you blocked
Right.
So I was like, oh my God, Ireally liked this guy, I really
wanted to meet him and like I'mliterally at my client and I
wasn't focused because I waslike so disappointed that he
sent me.
I thought he sent me a dick pic, anyway, literally spiraling
(36:32):
for like two hours, and Iremember Peter asking me like
are you okay?
I'm like, oh my God, I thinkthe guy like just sent me a dick
pic, like you know, and he'slike what?
Like anyway?
So I go to the car and then Iopen the.
I like let me open it.
Speaker 2 (36:52):
I open it and it's a thumb.
What would it?
What can you show it?
What is it?
I will, I will show it.
Um, I'd have to go back waydeep, but yeah, it's like it is
a thumb, but it is supposed toto be like a fake out.
Like it is, it is a picturethat is set up to be a fake out,
but it's literally just a thumb.
Speaker 1 (37:09):
You need to find the whole conversation.
I'm going to, because it's likeI was like oh my God, I thought
you sent me a dick pic andthere was like a lot of laughing
, but it was really the I swear.
I lost like a year out of mylife Like I think gray hairs
just like sprouted off my headbecause I thought he had sent me
a dick pic and it was just likea funny almost.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
It almost ended our entire relationship.
Noah wouldn't even be here, thesuka wouldn't exist, all
because of a thumb listen, I wastraumatized from, from dating.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You have no idea like you didn't get to like,
experience it.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
It's terrible wouldn't have played it that
fast and loose, that I know howclose it was to ending our
relationship before it began.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Yeah, that was reckless of you.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
I didn't know it was reckless.
I thought it was funny.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
It was, I mean it is Now.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
we're talking about it four years later.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
It's crazy.
You need to pull the picture up.
Don't worry, I will.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
I'll pull up the whole conversation Dying now it
is.
At the time I'm sure it was notvery funny.
I wonder what I was thinkingfor the rest, because two hours
is a long time for you not torespond, especially to a picture
, so I wonder what.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
I was on vacation.
I was on vacation, so I wasprobably doing stuff.
I think you were wondering why,but I had to have been like
sweating a little bit as to likewhy is this context?
Speaker 2 (38:24):
you know, but in my head it wasn't risky and I would
have no reason for you toassume that you didn't
understand or wouldn't haveactually opened it yet.
Man, that might have been, thatmight have been a tough period
for me also.
Come to think about it it'shilarious.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
And now, four years later, we're, you know, in our
home in jersey city, in our suka, with our, you know, noah's
napping Mia.
God knows what she's doing inthe house right now.
Two dogs Two dogs.
And we're very in love, LikeI'm very in love with you, babe.
Good You're checking on thebaby.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
Yeah, I'm just checking on the baby.
Speaker 1 (38:59):
She's still sleeping.
Speaker 2 (39:00):
She's flat as a board right now.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Babe, I'm in love with you too.
Give me a kiss, okay, anythingelse you?
Speaker 2 (39:11):
want to add.
No, I don't think so.
Like listen, great relationshipstake work, but it doesn't
really feel like work when youaddress things as they come
Right, like it so many times youjust don't work out the
(39:36):
communication style or thesafety ultimately to have the
communication that's required,so that it doesn't feel like a
mountain of work because you'redealing with it all the time,
like the conversations that wehave.
We spend 30 minutes a weekorganizing what needs done
around the house and we startedgetting better at that
organizing what needs to getdone between the two girls or
(39:58):
just between us, whatever it is.
There are ways to make it feellike so much less work than it
sounds like, but it is work andyou have to be willing to have
the conversations and to setyourself up for it or it all
gets pushed to the side and thenthat's when resentment comes
and that's when the blowupscomes and that's when the blame
comes and that's when it stopsbeing fun and it starts being
(40:21):
hard and it starts being a choreand that is going to be the
death rattle of any relationship.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
So you really just have to be willing to be a
partner.
It is a partnership.
You are co-CEOs in your life.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
And you have to be vigilant Like I know that sounds
stressful, but you have to bevigilant of your relationship
and not let things just breakdown.
You know what I mean Like andI'm not saying vigilance in a
bad way, like walking oneggshells or being stressed
about it, but like, just like,okay, when's the last you know,
like we need to have.
You know how many times do wehave sex this week when?
When can we have alone time anddate night, and these are
(40:58):
things that we have.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
I texted her today.
Have.
I facetimed her today.
Yeah, you know that that sortof thing you have, you have kind
of like a ticking clock on alot of these things, like a
timer going.
Oh, it's been too long, likeit's been too long since we did
X, y, z and we need to adjust,and I mean, that type of work is
what I'm talking about, right,like that is not, that's almost
(41:20):
automated to a point.
If you get to a place whereit's automated, then you avoid
the real work when things are inbreakdown, and then you have to
go to couples therapy and thenyou have to, you have to dig
yourselves out of this hole thatyou put yourself in because you
didn't have the vigilancerequired to stay afloat.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
And another key thing that I forgot to talk about is
also working on yourself.
You know you can work on, youcan work through a lot of things
in the container of yourrelationship, but if you haven't
done the work on yourself andif you're unhappy like your
partner can just add to yourhappiness.
But really, when and these arethis is a lesson that I've
(41:56):
learned later in life Like, likeI said, I was married before
and in that container of therelationship, I didn't take care
of myself, I didn't take careof my needs, I didn't take care
of myself, I didn't love myself.
And when, because I didn't lovemyself, I wasn't take care of
myself, I didn't love myself.
And when, because I didn't lovemyself, I wasn't able to ask
for what I needed.
You know I wasn't.
And again, that relationship wewere just weren't a match in
(42:16):
general, it just would havenever worked.
But now that I'm older Iunderstand that I have to work
on myself, that I have to learnand this is for my kids too Like
I had to learn how to regulatemy emotions, and I'm still
working on that and in order forme to show up as the best
partner of myself, I need to beable to kind of work on my own
shit.
You know what I'm saying, andI'd spend years really after my
(42:39):
divorce like really going totherapy but not only going to
therapy meditating andjournaling, kind of figuring out
like what, what, what are mytriggers, what are the things
that upset me and what are myinsecurities.
And I got to a place where Iwas able to articulate those
things in my relationship withTony, so he knows when certain
(43:00):
things come up it's notnecessarily about him or it's
not personal, but it's somethingthat's.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
Oh, it's almost never about me, oh, excuse me no, but
no, I'm being serious, likeit's almost never about me.
Yeah, I can sometimes help, andsometimes helping just means
letting you air it out.
But, but, a lot of, but, a lotof the stuff I was able to heal
in our relation because we havea healthy relationship.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Like I was able to heal a lot of that stuff and was
able to heal in ourrelationship because we have a
healthy relationship.
Like I was able to heal a lotof that stuff and we talked
about it.
On the episode where we talkedabout Nobody Wants this the show
right when it was refreshing tosee two adults like work
through their traumas andtriggers and have healthy
(43:47):
communication.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:48):
And it's very healing , you know, to be in that kind
of relationship where people canhold space for each other and
understand that.
You know there's reasons whythey react the way they react.
Totally, you know, not take itlike personal.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
Now we just watch Love is Blind, where it's the
opposite day.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Yeah, I love.
Love is Blind.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
I love and hate it, at the same train wreck my god,
we said that we would talk aboutit.
We don't have time anymorewe're not gonna talk about it
right now, but okay, we'll talkabout after we wrap it up, we'll
, we'll do uh it's, we're on thethe wedding.
Yeah, it's the reunion.
Like we got a couple weeks wecan lock in on a this blind.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
We have some thought.
I know a lot of people sharedthoughts on that.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
Actually, okay, yeah, this season's an absolute mess,
it's just even the editing ishorrendous horrendous and we
have no idea what's going on.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
It's unbelievable.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
The producers don't add they think they're so clever
it's like if my 12 year oldproduced it.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
You know, there's so many holes, lacks so much
context there's some, there'ssome plot holes.
Speaker 2 (44:50):
Anyway, we're not going to get into that.
But wrap up this.
What?
Speaker 1 (44:53):
are we doing for our four-year anniversary?
Speaker 2 (44:56):
we're going to celebrate the love and enjoyment
of four years together and itwill be special and I'm sure
there'll be a reel about it andI'm sure it'll be posted online
okay, all right, on that note.
Happy anniversary baby happyanniversary, my love, peace.
Thank you.
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